#obvs a lot more going into this decision but like. im so fucking ready to get a degree in ANYTHING and get out as painlessly as possible

[quaalussy]

the last push i needed to realize i wanna change my major is the prof walking into my social determinants of health class and going omg i havent seen most of you since covid its so nice to see ur smiling faces without the masks

[beyondd-dazedd]

EPISODE👏 REVIEW👏 hsmtmts season 2 episode 10: get ready for some enthusiastic writing and a little too much looking into details

first off seb doing the intro made my heart happy i love him

ok i know everyone has been saying it but there is no way in hell they’re winning the menkies. unless the writers just go with the main character favoritism route, there’s just no way. however for the sake of comedy, watching ashlyn give us everything in the transformation scene and ricky being an absolute disaster is SO funny to me. like shout out to joshua because that scene made me laugh so hard. also a trio i need more of is kourt, red and ej. i just feel like they would be dramatic gossipy bitches and i love that for them.

normally i think ms. jenn’s reactions are over the top but after seeing the shit show that just occurred 2 mins before... i think her reaction is very valid because oh god.

continuing with the theme of friendship dynamics we haven’t seen a lot of but we absolutely need more of, ashlyn and ricky!! that scene was so sweet and wholesome. i’m so so so glad the writers didn’t fall into the trap of making characters take sides after a break up. i just feel like it’s been done a million times before. but seeing ashlyn being so genuine when checking up in ricky made me so happy. the caswells remain being the superior characters (including gina obvs)

ms. jenn and mr. mazzarra are cute don’t get me wrong but they should’ve spent more time developing that relationship instead giving ms. jenn like 3 random love interests and that’s all i’ll say on that.

i love imagining what characters are saying when they’re just ad libbing. like what could ej, gina, ricky and red be talking about before carlos shows up to start the scene?? my guess is they’re all gushing about how amazing ash is and no i don’t take criticisms on that.

alright i’ll say it. the seblos drama is weak at best. they didn’t spend enough time developing it and kind of pushed it to the background so when it was one of the main focuses of the episode it was kind of like ok?? HOWEVER i did love the resolution to it and the deeper look into their individual characters. (i’ll talk more about this later)

carlos calling ms. jenn mother and everyone immediately knowing who he was talking about sent me omfg. but also who the fuck let these high schoolers try to figure out this transformation scene by themselves?? they collectively have 2 brain cells and they just bounce around between the 9 of them depending on the scene. but playful sleepover competition!! also gina nudging ej when he goes a little too ej 1.0 was everything.

i hate lily and i love sassy red. that’s all.

(im going to talk about the boys/girls sleepovers like they’re each one continuous scene respectively because it’s way easier than switching back and forth)

fun new friendship dynamics!! the boys!! sebbie and the girls! iconic. i know that the show is meant to be in a mockumentary style so we only see parts of the characters lives but i would give my left arm to see the boys getting closer and becoming friends. this is also the first scene where i really noticed ricky’s shirt. ricky is queer disney are just cowards. i’m not a big ricky/ ej shipper but the pretty boy had me feeling some type of way. carlos being worried about seb and their relationship and then red being like well this is why. bc he’s got a spy on the inside was peak friendship. but seriously disney?? just say gay. it’s not a bad word. now imma freak out about PORTWELL OMFG I WAS ALREADY FREAKING OUT DURING THIS SCENE SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW WELL I WAS DOING LATER ON. but ej just being like im not ready to put myself out there because of nini i don’t wanna get rejected... again. my heart went out to him. you can really see how much he’s grown as a person. but sure ej y’all are “buddies” also him saying the one thing i’m proud of from my time with nini was letting her go and ricky’s reaction to that hurt me to my core.

alright let’s talk about the girls and seb. first off i love that they’re actually working and the boys are doing fuck all LOL. seb actually talking about how he feels?? good for him. i hate that he thinks that carlos is only with him because there’s limited options but at least he’s talking about it. a moment of silence for ash’s scissor bucket (i won’t make a gay joke. i won’t make a gay joke. i won’t-) anyways... i really thought that maybe ash would know about portwell but it’s fucking EVERYONE. like y’all are that perceptive about other peoples relationships but not your own?? that’s why all y’all have relationship drama. gina not wanting to put herself out there because she’s afraid of getting hurt?? ouch. gina thinking ej is just being nice?? ouch but also gina, sis?? what. also nini reacting that way to the chocolates is so out of pocket. like 1) y’all aren’t dating anymore so what’s got you so pressed? 2) gina made it clear that they weren’t actually from ricky 3) nini you know they had some sort of chemistry before you and ricky got back together so this really shouldn’t be that surprising.

anyways the scene with ricky and carlos broke me. the decision for ricky to not show nini the song was so mature. despite wanting to get her back, he KNOWS that that would only drag her back and that’s not fair to her and he knows it. but his awareness of seblos’s relationship and wanting to help carlos work things out with seb was so wholesome and so sweet and is kind of a big moment of character development for him this season. like he was generally very selfish this season (again i’m a ricky apologist til the day i die but he was so selfish) and seeing him take the focus away from his problems to help carlos out was so sweet. also i need more ricky/carlos friendship moments.

kourt talking about howie learning her love language?? bitch you mean espionage?? i mean me too but that’s so fucking funny

ALRIGHT THIS IS THE PARAGRAPH WHERE I SCREAM ABOUT PORTWELL!!! i am so so so so happy right now about this. the fact that ej asked about risotto but for real was so satisfying and was blatantly like him saying i know we faked being in a relationship but what about it not being fake and omfg that’s so amazing. also gina being skeptical and asking if ash put him up to it and him saying not that i know of?? THE PARALLELS?? also gina this whole season has been talking about signs and finding reasons to stay, finding signs to know if someone is right for her and you can literally see the moment she realizes she said the same thing about the duke sweatshirt to jack. SHE KNOWS THIS IS HER SIGN and that’s so special to me. also ej’s nervous laugh after she says yes?? omfg. let’s look at ej’s character. historically he’s confident, cocky and generally puts on this facade of having his shit together but gina makes him nervous (in a good way). he doesn’t feel like he has to pretend to be confident around her. he’s showing her that he’s just as nervous as she is about this and that is just *chefs kiss* honestly not to be an andi mack stan but ej’s little nervous chuckle and ok after she says yes sounds like he’s letting out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding which seriously parallels tj after the tyrus confession. i’m just saying. ALSO GINA’S LITTLE EXCITED WALK BACK TO THE GROUP AHHHHHH

the seblos song?? i have no notes. it was incredible. frankie killed that shit. it was such a good song. so sweet. so wholesome. also ricky and carlos’s hug was so fucking meaningful to both of them and you can tell. ricky was absolutely beaming because he helped the two of them and it feels like a little bit of season 1 ricky shining through.

WHO THE FUCK LET A BUNCH OF HIGH SCHOOLERS RIG A KID IN THE AIR COMPLETELY UNSUPERVISED?? of course ricky fucking fell. that group shares 2 brain cells. obviously some dumb shit was going to happen

[boofmont]

- ̗̀ * ( liana liberato + cisfemale + she/her ) have you seen ( saige beaumont ) walking around campus ? they are a ( 20 ) year old, studying ( linguistics + criminal psychology ). we hear they are in ( theta sigma eta ), and can be ( passionate & irrational ), maybe it’s because they are a ( cancer ). they sort of remind us of ( drunk stick n' pokes at 2am, avoiding cracks in the sidewalk, the familiar riff of an old song ), maybe we can find out more ! ( jamesy the fool + 20 + EST + she/they ) * ̖́- + newspaper photographer, campus tour, swim

lmao hi here’s my final baby she is the love of my life i’ve known her for 8 years i think and she’s come a long way sdfkgh please love her as much as i love her. if i was fictionkin i’d identify solely with her (and she’s not even a self insert ! wow !) **IM STILL ON HAITUS UNTIL MONDAY BUT I HAD THIS READY TO GO LMAO**

TW: ALCOHOLISM, DRUG ABUSE? MENTIONS.

gen. info

full name: saige alouette beaumont

nickname(s): she...doesn’t have any in this timeline but PLEASE, she LOVES nicknames. she’s a nickname slut.

b.o.d. - july 7th, 20 whole yrs old.

label(s): the hedonist, the icarcian, the reveler, etc. etc.

height: 5′7″ thank u very much !!

hometown: thibodaux, louisiana

sexuality: firstly when aren’t my babies bi as FUCK (minus aster). but she also prefers masc-presenting folks

biography

the only child of a world renown fashion designer named manon lévêsque (surname kept b/c Branding) and US lieutenant general robert beaumont

manon’s brand is like...on the level of chanel, and dior, and shit, y’know??

manon’s...obv french, very french. born n raised in france. 

robert beaumont comes from a very southern family, all located in louisana. also french, just more...american.

they’re fucking loaded

saige’s childhood wasn’t the...Usual, childhood. they moved around a lot as due to both of her parents’ jobs. (’cos robert wasn’t ALWAYS a 4-star army man smh)

the longest they’ve rly stayed in one place (minus saige’s ucla yrs) is like...two yrs, tops ??

due 2 that she didn’t rly make...a lotta friends?

but when she DID , it was always the most interesting ppl she could find

but her parents were always SUPER strict

it was like they came together purely to mold the perfect child

like, they controlled where she went! what she wore! who she interacted with! what she watched or read or listened to!

she’d have bodyguards on her when her parents were busy, not nannies

she was taught all the proper things ladies were to learn, like cooking and sewing and ballroom dancing, and more

she was also taught how to drop a man to his knees in less than 10 seconds and how to shoot a gun, but that was it in terms of self defense skdfgh

eventually saige got bored with a life of being carefully watched and attending military balls and fashion runways

how do u surround a girl w/ so much culture and expect her to not want to experience life for what it is?

she learned how to dodge guards in order to go canoeing in the full moon with strangers she’d met five hrs prior, and how to blend in at festivals filled with throat-melting sweet drinks

she almost landed in a tabloid at the age of 15 for sneaking out w/ a boy three years older and her parents paid a lot of money to hide it.

no matter how much they tried to keep her rooted, saige always found a way to bend the rules and escape her lil golden cage

like they even had her homeschooled w/ the best tutors one could pay for n she still yeeted tf out whenever she could

born for the party life t b h

they decided that the best course of action to deal w/ her was to finally keep her in one place so they p much made her go to ucla lmao

homegirl did NOT want to go at first, just ‘cos she HATES being rooted to one place, is used to traveling the world and seeing shit and learning other cultures n shit, y’know ??

but then she joined theta sigma eta lmao n the parties ??

fucking amazing

it didn’t take a lot for her to be convinced to stay, esp ‘cos her parents didn’t quite realize...how big the party scene is

(not like they could’ve sent her to like...harvard or smth...homegirl’s smart but not THAT smart lmaooo)

unfortunately, saige has piss poor self control; and this was too much freedom for her. she was being Too Wild

anyWays the summer before her current year (i ... think she’s a sophomore ?) she went to a particularly wild party and somehow ended up at one of her mother’s collection launch parties w/ a pal of hers !!

and she totally embarrassed her mom !! in front of everybody !! being lil’ ol drunk n freshly 20 yr old !

after that saige was NOT welcomed at home (wherever home was, at the moment, that is). she wasn’t DISOWNED ‘cos that’d be HORRIBLE for the press n god, imagine the media ?? it would worsen it all

but she wasn’t allowed at home. wasn’t allowed with them. wasn’t allowed to see them unless at events they specifically ordered her to come to for press reasons

doesn’t really...know where she’s going to go in the summer ‘cos the summer she Fucked Up she lived out of hotel suites and friend’s couches. n like yeah she can just Buy a place or smth but ?? commitment ?? adult decisions ?? christ !

nobody knows her parents have essentially kicked her tf out and aren’t even talkin’ to her, ‘cos homegirl’s ashamed

it isn’t rly hard to hide it tho ‘cos her parents still give her a shit ton of money LMAO rich privilege

but it can’t fix how absolutely hurt she is

the alcohol , however, COULD

started partying more, and more intensely, and didn’t stop when the parties did

alcohol became part of her diet.

irish cream in her mornin’ coffee, coke n rum at lunch, vodka and like...23 packets of crystal lite in her hydro flask during lectures

without alcohol, she suffers terrible withdraws and those turn her into a completely different person

noBoDy KnoWs

or if they do, they don’t realize the extent of it! just how bad it is! ‘cos she’s a big ol’ faker

she’s fine it’s FINE

personality

i actually have...traits i’ve written for her

positive traits:

kindhearted, optimistic, energetic, dreamy, charismatic, intelligent (to...a degree, lmao), active, charismatic, sympathetic, amiable

negative traits:

naive, dumb (to...a degree, double lmao), self-destructive, spiteful, stubborn, defensive, inattentive, unstable, loud, reckless

but ANYWAYS

if she wants to do smth, she’ll do it

there’s no way to talk her outta whatever she has set in her mind, even if it’s fucking STUPID

‘cos she’s stupid and we love her for it

uuuUuUuUuUUUUhh

she’s a vegetarian, loves animals too much 2 do it

has adhd but she’s not medicated ‘cos her parents suck n young girls r always severely under diagnosed ‘cos doctors also suck

she’s allergic to cats, pumpkins, and penicillin

loves cats

she does her own stick n’ pokes, n will do ur stick n’ pokes if u ask. Loves doin ‘em, but she can’t draw for shit LMAO

however ! she does play three instruments:

piano, violin, n bass guitar

hates piano w/ a burning passion ‘cos she was p much forced to learn. thinks violin is lit as fuck. bass guitar? her fav thing ever. did it as an act of rebellion.

also, even tho she’s just....a whole ass dumbass, she knows like...four languages

yes including english

anyways she knows uUUuUH french, spanish, n latin (for funsies)

is also learning mandarin, german, n irish gaelic (for funsies)

is a big language slut, essentially

and a uh...slut in general

like she just rly loves everybody

she’s SUPER friendly, super confident, like...the best gal to know, ‘cos she’s got sm energy n if u don’t talk a lot ? that’s fine ! she’ll talk for u ! even if u don’t ask her to !

but yes she’s not like EASY but she’s easy

she’s had a few short-term relationships and even fewer long-term relationships

and she doesn’t ! have commitment issues !

doesn’t like getting hurt but also ! she will fall in love w/ anybody !

(i’m kidding every time i’ve ever played her in all my years she’s always, always attracted to like...grumpy tough ppl. that’s her type. do u sell drugs? she loves u. do u get into pointless fights and have constantly bruised knuckles? she loves u. did u sell ur soul to the devil? oh, she rly does love u.)

actually thinks rly low of herself but would NEVER let ANYBODY know that ‘cos god forbid

just keep smilin’ :)

probably uses finger guns

skateboards into EVERYTHING she’s fucking CLUMSY and stupid

will wear gucci on top of her thrift finds (stop going to goodwill if ur nearly a billionaire u dumbass)

that being said she’s not always........aware? she’s not shallow but she’s kind of just...she’ll throw her money at u if u can’t afford smth, and like...doesn’t know how taxes work? and also...doesn’t know how poor ppl go on living?

like she’s highly dependent on her money

she has three fucking cars ‘cos she just thought they were PRETTY

one’s a pick up truck w/ LED lights, one’s the literal car from the princess diaries, and the other’s just a real fast sports car

totally does illegal street racing but ? only sometimes ? mostly for funsies rly doesn’t care abt money at all LMAO

she’s...not very independent

she’s got an addictive personality, y’see?

does MANY drugs, like mdma (ecstasy? molly?), coke, shrooms, acid, the marijuanas. i think that’s it.

a lil bit of a cokehead but only at parties okay uwu

idk how but she always manages to be laidback and yet also super energized at the same time. she just truly, does not give a single shit

also i said she was dumb earlier and like...TRUE

excels at english, history, etc. etc.

but as soon as math or science is involved? fart noise

bad shit

hate it

she can’t focus on shit she doesn’t like so like...that doesn’t help

in other news, she can be best described as a DRUNK TINKERBELL

as she was originally a pixie. it’s suiting

she’s ... almost ethereal

will tease u. will act like she’s known u for years. this is normal for saige.

she’s just rly BUBBLY and FUN okay ! pls love her

like pretty please

she’s my best muse by far and i’ve been rping since 2010

OH okay so like fun fact: her mother still sends her pieces that she hasn’t released yet so saige’s closet is filled w/ clothes she will nvr wear ‘cos she refuses to in order to Spite her Mother

also will GIVE these EXCLUSIVE UNreleased articles of clothing to her FRIENDS as GIFTS as a big FUCK U to the MAN (mom)

she’s just a dumbass

wanted connections

ok so gimme a blackmailer who knows abt saige’s like...issues, n instead of tryn to help her they use it to their advantage to get whatever they want from her :^)

also a TUTOR ‘cos she’s stupid in math n science

party pals like do i even have to explain

childhood friend(s) or like...acquaintances ?? she’s traveled for so long

da PLUG gimme her DEALER

ex boyfriend(s) - she loves ppl, sometimes too much. were they in love? maybe not. did she get bored? did he? who knows?

i mean same applies to girlfriends

just ?? a dude who has completely caught her attention. saige finds him SO INTERESTING for some fucking reason. reminds her of travelling, reminds her of her years of exploring. reminds her of a lotta things, rly. he might b a good person. or ! he might not !

random hookups - past ? present ? fwbs ? one night stands ? i’ll take them all !

best friend - y’know. her ride or die. celeste. i mean there can b another, but celeste. try n compete w/ celeste.

other close friends!

fake friends!

frenemies!

(also am a big slut for the on-and-off relationships where theyre both horrible for each other n it’s not.. Good , but they can’t stop ! they won’t stop ! it’s not abusive but it’s toxic just ‘cos they’re both fucking enablers smh breaking up n getting back together all the time)

bad influence ? good influence ?

roommates ??

[liesyousoldme]

Could you do something for reddie where like they've been dating for a while and then they end up having a convo about not using condoms anymore like "I have every intention of only being with you for as long as possible" so Eddie who's obv super cautious about everything is like rich I trust you etc

hi hello here’s the nsfw drabble

They’re lying in Eddie’s bed, hands tangled together between them, sweat still drying on their skin, when Eddie says it.

“Maybe next time we could try… without condoms?”

Richie’s breath hitches and he turns to face Eddie, whose cheeks are still flushed.

“Yeah?” He asks, eyebrows raised. “You’d want that?”

Eddie shrugs, glances down. “I mean… I don’t intend on ever being with anyone else, so…”

Richie can’t fight the grin that makes its way on his face. He pauses, however, when the implication hits him. Eddie had never been with anyone else. They’d gotten together in high school, and when they got to college, decided to go back to being friends. It had been a mutual decision, borne out of being from a tiny town and the worry for both of them that they were together out of necessity - for lack of other options.

Richie had explored his options, dating both men and women and sleeping with a few people. Eddie had tried a few dates and hated it. 

They both found themselves only comparing the new people to each other.

It was only six months that they weren’t together, and Richie had always used a condom, but he knew Eddie would want to be cautious, and he knew Eddie deserved someone that put his safety above their own potential embarrassment. It’s not like Eddie didn’t know Richie had slept around during their break.

So he says, quietly, “I’ll need to get tested.”

Eddie nods, still not meeting Richie’s eyes. “I think that’s a good idea.”

The tightness that had formed in his chest eases, and he leaves a soft kiss on Eddie’s lips.

“I love you, Eds,” he whispers, smiling when Eddie whispers it back.

*

Richie’s clean. He wasn’t particularly nervous about it, but he can’t help the thrill that runs through him when he gets the call from the doctor with his test results. 

He gets done with class earlier on Thursdays than Eddie does, so he decides to tidy up his apartment. As he’s finishing up, he’s hit with the brilliant idea to be romantic and make things special for Eddie, so he runs to the closest store and buys three candles. He’s got the candles lit in his bedroom, freshly washed sheets on his bed, and his boombox in the corner playing a mixtape of romantic songs.

Eddie walks into the apartment, drops his backpack at the door and kicks his shoes off before making his way into Richie’s room. Richie’s sitting on his bed with a grin on his face. Eddie’s eyes widen.

“What’s this?”

Richie says, “Got my results back. I’m clean.”

Eddie’s cheeks immediately darken, and Richie jumps up and goes to him, grabbing his hands.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to-”

“No,” Eddie mumbles, before leaning in to kiss Richie. “I want to.”

They fall into kissing - they’ve had a lot of practice, they know how to make the other gasp - and quickly end up on Richie’s bed, Richie hovering over Eddie and running his hands under Eddie’s shirt.

Eddie is the one that yanks Richie’s shirt over his head first, before leaning up to let Richie do the same to his. They make quick work of kicking their jeans off and Richie’s hands immediately begin dipping beneath Eddie’s waistband. Eddie arches into the touch, his cock half-hard from just Richie’s mouth on his, on his neck, on his chest.

Richie’s slow when he pulls Eddie’s underwear down his legs, and kisses down his body until he reaches his cock, not giving warning before licking the tip. Eddie gasps, hands flying to Richie’s hair. Richie uses the distraction to reach over to his nightstand and grab the lube that’s sitting on top. He uncaps it and wets his fingers.

With Eddie’s cock in his mouth, he inserts his first finger, and uses his free hand to hold one of Eddie’s hands.

“Fuck, babe,” Eddie mumbles, squeezing Richie’s hand. Richie licks at the underside of his cock and uses his finger to press against his prostate at the same time, and Eddie’s fingers tighten and pull on Richie’s curls. He’s panting, hips bucking into Richie’s mouth, and Richie has to untangle their fingers to hold his hips down.He inserts another finger and Eddie breathes out slowly, getting used to the feeling. Richie can hear the way Eddie’s breathing is getting harder, the way his chest is as red as his cheeks, and he stops teasing, scissoring a bit before pushing in a third finger. “Fuck!”

He pulls off Eddie’s cock and grins, “I’m getting there, babe.”

Eddie doesn’t roll his eyes the way he usually would, just begins muttering under his breath as Richie presses his fingers against his prostate.

“Rich - please, c’mon, I’m ready -” he bites out, and Richie removes his fingers, wipes them on his own briefs before pulling them off and tossing them on the floor, and then leans back over Eddie.

He presses their lips together softly, and Eddie keens loudly, pressing his hips up into Richie’s so that their cocks grind together.

“Ah - fuck, babe,” Richie groans. Eddie’s hips fall back to the mattress but his lips find Richie’s neck, and he’s distracted enough by the feeling that he doesn’t hear the lube open, and he jolts when Eddie’s hand, covered in lube, wraps around him. “Fuck, can’t wait to be in you,” he mutters. Eddie giggles a little breathlessly, guiding Richie’s cock to him.

Richie helps Eddie fold his legs - he wants to be able to see him, to kiss him, while he fucks into him. He presses against him and Eddie’s eyes close, his breath hitching. Eddie’s clean hand finds Richie’s and their fingers tangle together next to Eddie’s head as Richie sinks in. Eddie’s eyes open and Richie leans in and messily kisses him, trying to distract himself so he doesn’t start thrusting before Eddie’s ready.

“Holy fuck,” Eddie whispers, breathless. “I can feel you so much.”

Richie moans, because it’s never felt this good, he’s never felt so close to Eddie and his heart’s racing and his cock is throbbing and finally Eddie nods, squeezes his hand a little, and Richie pulls back and thrusts back in, drawing moans from both of them.

He keeps the pace slow at first, and fists Eddie’s cock in time with his thrusts, until Eddie’s begging, his voice cracking as he says, “please, Richie, please, need to come -”

Richie presses an open mouthed kiss to his neck, then watches his face as he picks up his speed, hitting Eddie’s prostate with every thrust and matches that pace with his hand on Eddie’s cock, until Eddie’s coming with a gasp between them. Richie follows after a few more thrusts, and he kisses Eddie’s cheeks, his forehead, his eyelids, his lips, before he pulls out.

Eddie grimaces, and Richie kisses him again. “Sorry, babe, does it -”

He doesn’t know what to ask. Does it feel weird? Does it hurt? He’s not sure.

“Just -” Eddie pauses, then says, “feels different. Like. You’re in me. I probably shouldn’t like it as much as I do.”

Richie feels hot at the words, and he rolls so that he’s pressed up against his boyfriend. 

“That’s… It’s really hot that you just said that,” Richie laughs, and Eddie laughs, too, before grimacing again.

“You know what? Next time, we need to remember to put a towel down. Also, I need a shower.”

Richie waggles his eyebrows, catching Eddie’s hand as he starts to get up. “Mind if I join you? It’ll be a lot less messy in the shower.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “You’re insatiable,” he says, but doesn’t let go of Richie’s hand. “But yes. Come on.”

Tag list: @stan-the-bird-man @im-reddie @pllskam @theyregazcbos @papaya-complex @brenda-wolfy @daily-dose-of-vitamin-me @oliviatheshipper @deidynka@anniiidk

[saintkimora]

well......here is the unfortunate conclusion

so i was with brandon on memorial day and we had a conversation that has me thinking i might have to end things w him

it was a nice day at first, i brought him flowers and he was so flustered it was sooooooo cute and we had sex and then we went about the rest of the day cuddling and talking and stuff. then we were gonna go get food so we were washing our hands and i think he jokingly asked me if i had sidehoes or if he was a sidehoe or something and i was like ofc not. then i asked him if he had any sidehoes and he kept avoiding the question in a humorous way and then we ended up having a serious, very eye opening conversation

he said he thinks i might have different “””expectations””” than he does. and i talked about when we might be official since weve been dating for 4.5 months now and he was saying how he wasnt ready for a relationship and that he doesnt really believe in commitment until marriage (crackhead) like how are you supposed to reach the point of marriage if you wont even commit beforehand

he said he doesnt want commitment bc he doesnt like feeling tied down (of course) and he was saying like right now hes happy with me but if he commits to me he feels like then hes gonna start wanting other guys, kinda of like a wanting what you cant have kinda deal (hate it)

he said he used to not understand open relationships but now he gets why people do it. he was like “your relationship with everyone in your life is unique and different, and just because i might have something with another guy, that doesnt mean i care about you any less or that hes better than you, my relationship with the other guy would be different than what i have with you” at this point i wanted to fucking open the window and just step out and fall to my death i REALLY did not like where this was going

at this point he had mentioned that he wants the freedom to talk to other guys (and i had the fact he was still on grindr in the back of my mind) so i decided to ask him i was like are you talking to any other guys? and he was like “see this is what im talking about like you have the expectation that i shouldnt be talking to other guys” and i was like “well are you talking to any? and how do you define talking? like if youre at a bar and some guy comes up to you and strikes up a conversation obv thats fine w me like thats just being nice” and he was like “thats not what i mean by talking” so i was like ok fuck my drag right

and again he just talked about how he didnt wanna be tied down and wanted to go slow (the slow part i understood at the beginning of us dating but like sis....its been 4.5 months like at this point youre just wasting my time if you wanna just have fun with no commitment)

and it sucks bc the day before memorial day when i was having a rough time. it was bc he was annoyed at me a few days ago and he was being kinda distant and ignoring my texts a little bit. which isnt too serious objectively but it was making me very nervous bc it was reminding me of my experiences with joel and caleb so i was very on edge and i was nervous literally the whole day and it didnt help that i saw he was going out and drinking somewhere on his snap story. so i just got really paranoid about him possibly meeting another guy while hes out and drunkenly hooking up with him or going out with him or getting romantically involved or something. which is obv not rational thinking on my part but i cant help that i get so worried, esp after joel and caleb. if we were official i would feel more secure but since we arent bfs yet he technically could go out and be with another guy without breaking any official rules so thats why im nervous, if we were official i would still get nervous sometimes but i would feel a little better about it at least

and this has happened a lot while we’ve been seeing each other. and one of these days i wanted to bring it up in convo with him so i could hopefully get some reassurance and feel more secure and stuff. i was considering even bringing it up when we were together yesterday esp since he likes when i show vulnerability but after that conversation we had? i already have my answer. i know if i did bring it up to him he would just be like joel and be like “well i cant make promises” since commitment is SUCH a big issue to him apparently. which leads to why i might have to end things w him bc i really dont want to keep living in fear like this i hate it

im just over it like i was really upset by that conversation like he wasted FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS of my time as well as getting me attached to him like if he doesnt want a relationship he shouldve told me that upfront so i couldve stopped seeing him after like the 2nd date or something

but im also confused bc like 2 months ago or so we were joking about guys i dont remember it too much but at one point i was (obv jokingly) like “oh fine ill just go out and get a new man instead” and brandon got like a little upset about it he was like “if youre not gonna take our relationship seriously dont waste my time bc im looking for someone who wants to work toward a serious relationship” yet now hes saying this like what is the truth

so yeah thats p much it :/ i was very disappointed by that conversation and i think he could tell but i said everything was fine bc i didnt want to say anything decisive in the moment bc i like to give myself a few days to think on big things like that. but really idk wtf else to do now :( esp since unfortunately...........i love him so like no matter what i do im gonna end up hurting myself

[ts-crossroads]

Episode Three - “The World’s Smallest Violin, Playing Just For You” - Rebecka

Hey so....guess who we just got out? EMILY. It’s wild because she was so confident and strategic and that made for the perfect blindside. I feel like she was doing well until she thought she had solidified Johnny’s vote, that was a little messy. I hope she isn’t right about us losing challenges now. I think we can do well and hopefully pull through, if anything me and John are pretty solid on either side with Haley or with Johnny/Ryan. Now that Rhone is gone and I literally only know John I’m trying to cling to him a bit just because I feel like he has a stronger social standing. But we shall see!

I cannot believe someone called out Emily for liking our tribe better. I mean I don’t blame her, impala is great. But their tribe was safe last round literally bc they worked with us. Also I’m nervous about this switching tribe thing bc I love my tribe and I really don’t want to lose them hahaha. At least I don’t have to worry about Emily and Bryan later down the road. But Emily did seem like someone I wanted to work with :/ oh well Ok everyone I talk to on this tribe loves it and ned even took it as far as saying he wants all of us at final 6. I’m sorry but like, no Hahahaha. When we merge, I will rely on some of these relationships (ned, Chris and Dane) but I will work with others, I can’t just stick with my start up tribe hahaha

Fatum's tribal went a lot better than expected. Now that Emily's out of the picture, I'm not as concerned about Bryan flipping. What I AM concerned about is the possibility of Fauna and Onion teaming up against us, because if the questions from the last tribal are any indication, it sounds like people aren't too happy about our winning streak. As Storymaster, Chris chose to let everyone decide if they want to mutiny. I think everyone on our tribe is staying, but I imagined a horrible scenario where the entire Onion tribe mutinied to Fauna and the tribes were suddenly 10-6. Please no.

Wow. Tribal went fantastic. I had my formal last night and was completely blackout during tribal council, so I didn't fully wrap my head around what was happening until right now, and THANK GOD IT HAPPENED!! Emily was playing too hard, and not only that, but the five of us were very together on what was happening, which is good for team cohesion. I am going HAM on the next immunity challenge because I do not wanna go back to tribal council, but I know it's bound to happen again. I definitely think the next vote is going to be between Nicole and Haley, in terms of the names being thrown out there, but without a doubt, I am not voting out Haley. I need to bring her rookie-try hard ass to the merge, because I think I've officially found someone who is going to be a bigger target come merge than I would ever be, because I somehow always seem to be that target, and to be quite honest here, I'm fairly confident in making merge now that I've made it through one tribal. I have this very serious goal this round to have an edgic of MOR2. I need to not be under the radar, because obviously a winner is never under the radar, but I really need to be low-key this round. I didn't take any heat in particular last round, but Ryan was a bit confused as to why I was agreeing to vote for him, and the good part is that he was saying he was scared because he didn't wanna expose our relationship, so he can just be saying that, or he can actually mean it. I need to just lay low and really hope we don't go to tribal, and I don't get selected to go a tribal council. I want to quietly look for the idol, by myself, and hope to make progress, while not being super communicative in hopes for the best. I'm playing in a risky reward challenge, and I think I'm not gonna try too hard in the challenge, since it's all about knocking people out of the challenge, unless I get later in the challenge and it's advantageous for me. I don't want to make those moves against anyone, so we'll see what happens since that's an auto target on my back if I play that challenge a bit poorly. We'll see what happens.

A bitch has a confessional, socially im flopping. Which is bad. Because my alliance of me, Brandon and Jake is fucked bc Rebecka or Bran has an idol. But they both hate eachother omg. Rebecka SNAPPED on his ass! 

Chris thinking he is slick but then accidentally messaging Bryan about me and Bryan and then deleting it immediately. I see how it is, you’re done :)

Ok me and Bryan are working together without Chris. I don’t know if Chris knows I know. I’m sure he does bc Bryan confronted him (not sure if that was the smartest) but Bryan didn’t specify if he told Chris or if Chris would assume a relationship between me and Bryan. I really thought I could trust Chris but that’s shady that he messaged Bryan (obvs meaning to send it elsewhere) about how he told me and Bryan to not do 13. It makes me want to try 13 anyway. I am hoping he meant it for his confessional chat rather than another castaway. I would hate to feel like the entire tribe is working against me

Also going back to earlier, I’m pissed bran won. He used a movie poster and like 4 edits on photoshop whereas I made my flag from scratch and I only lost by 5 points. I came so close compared to the other submissions and I just worked so hard on it 

Ok so I smoothed things over with Chris and with Bryan and I think I can now work with both of them in this idol hunt. I just really want to find it bc I find idols so rarely :( I think since we haven’t been in trouble yet, paranoia is just taking over some of this tribe. I want to believe that Chris was just telling his confessional chat and that he lied to Bryan about working with me to maximize his chances of finding the idol. It’s a great plan, I don’t blame him for it. But a small part of me worries he is working with someone else on the tribe against me and Bryan. I know it wouldn’t be ned. The more we talk, the more we have in common. I really see us going far together. I haven’t spoken to autumn since day 1 in one world so it could very well likely be her or even Dane. Just bc he’s on so infrequently and he doesn’t say much when he is online. But a majority part of me is saying that Chris meant to make it a confessional.

this game is lame, i trust no one on my tribe, i trust no one on the other tribes. 

Bran can't submit even 1 item for the scavenger hunt but can somehow show up to win the reward challenge AS WELL AS argue with me that they should be team captain? oh im so sorry that i dont want you to be the captain. in fact, here's the world's smallest violin, playing JUST for you, bran.  Sometimes i think I should've mutiny-ed but I dont think i'd be any better off. I don't fully trust brandon after the whole let's blindside rhone and make him first boot like what the actual fuck who thought that was a good idea our tribe sucks but at least brandon will talk to me even if its not game related? idk everything is lame im lame i give up bye !!!!

Alright so a lot has happened. Ned found half of an idol so I HOPE we’re able to find this other half after immunity results. Autumn, Ned, Dane, and myself have officially formed our 4some. I fucked up by making Bryan something NOT meant for him. I basically said I was using Sam and Bryan. I think I recovered with Sam but Bryan definitely doesn’t trust me. Regardless we can split votes 2-2-2 if needed. My tribe volunteered me to compete in the challenge... That was NOT the plan. I do not want to be the guy everyone looks to for challenges because then I become Joe Anglim. And I don’t want to be Joe Anglim. But I beat Johnny so I’m safe. I hope I beat BDC cause if so, Johnny is taking me to his tribe to vote with him at tribal. This’ll be my Opportunity to gain some trust with them for the inevitable swap. 

I'm so broken apart by what happened this round. I honestly love playing, since it's going to be the most survivor-like experience I can possibly get, and I love getting to know people and play the game and be a power player, but I can't do that if I'm getting voted out third. So to start why I'm so upset, let's rewind to last night. I decided to volunteer to compete in the immunity challenge for my tribe. I know I'm a pretty decent competitor, and I really really thought I had a chance at winning immunity this round, but that clearly isn't what happened. I am fairly confident in my challenge skills, but once I'm ready to compete, Owen tells me that we'll be competing in a logic puzzle..................... For anyone who doesn't know, logic puzzles are absolutely the worst thing to ever happen to me ever, I literally take nine hours to do the simple ones, so this was just death. I actually really honed in on the challenge, but couldn't come out with a W. I was prepared for me, as the losing captain, to choose someone from the winning tribe to win to bring to tribal with me, and I was going to pick Jake, but OF COURSE the twists keep changing every round, which is getting more and more annoying to deal with, but I'm rolling with it. The decision was this: On 12/18/17, at 6:47 PM, Owen (Crossroads Host) wrote: > This round, your tribe is going back to tribal. However, only three of the five of you will be eligible to WALK THE PLANK. Because you failed as a captain, you are automatically one of the three eligible. The winning captain has selected Ryan to join you. Between John, Haley, and Nicole you must select the third person to face elimination with you. Only the three of you will be able to get votes. It will not be revealed which person the winner picked and which person you chose. It is your own decision as a captain. SOOOOOOOOOOO Now Ryan and I are forced to be the two votes, and i'm basically forced to single handedly choose, before everyone else finds out, who I'm voting for this round, because I'm clearly not voting for Ryan this round since i trust him. My thought process was that I was either going to have to choose between the "stoners" (john haley ryan me) or the vets on our tribe, which is Nicole Ryan Haley me, and I basically chose the stoners to side with since I don't have an alliance chat with the vets, and I didn't want shit blowing up if I chose Haley. The biggest reason John was off the table was because the names going around last round were everyone except him and I, so I just wanted as many people to potentially get voted for to be up for eviction with me.

As for what I'm thinking for this vote.... i'm tripping out a little bit now that it's been announced. I told Nicole that I am the reason she's up to be voted out, because i wanted to be transparent. I figured lying about it doesn't really help the situation this round. When it comes down to who I'm voting for. I'm locking in Nicole because i can't vote for Ryan. I know that Ryan and Haley are never going to vote for me, and I'm hoping John wouldn't vote for me, but now I'm hearing a few other things that are making me a bit disappointed with him, where John wants to keep Nicole, but says he won't vote for Ryan or I. This is all according to Haley. I think I'm going to have a knot in my stomach until tribal council happens, and I'm tip toeing on the idea of telling Haley I have a half of an idol, but I'm thinking that I'll probably find another half very soon, so I'm just trying to hold onto the fact that I can have a completely secret idol, while consistently telling people where to search, and me knowing that I can't possibly have found something, when in all reality, I've got a half an idol and I'm being very cautious about it. What some people AREN'T being cautious about is how much they tell Haley. I trust that Haley wants to work with me very well, I'm not questioning that, but I am questioning how smart that girl is. She seems very eager, which is good, but she told me that SHE and NICOLE both have halves of idols to where I'm like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK OWEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GIVING AWAY THIS MANY HALVES!?!!?? The good thing is that I know where three of them are, and that's because Haley told me. Once Haley knows something, everyone knows. I'm being good at keeping my mouth shut this time around :)

Ok I’m glad we won the challenge. But how imperium stands right now I think if we do go to a vote it will be a 3 to 3 vote with me, Sam and Ned against Chris, autumn, and Dane or 4 to 2 with me, Sam, Ned, and Dane against Chris and autumn.

Okay so I am about to single handedly make a blindside happen at tribal, alongside the help of Haley. I went on call with Haley, and told her I had a half an idol, which wasn't my first choice of things I wanted to do, due to my traumatic idol PTSD from past games, but I took a different route by telling Haley, and I made a pretty ingenious plan to get me into the best position on this tribe as possible. Step 1: Get Haley to give me her other half of the idol. (DONE) Step 2: Tell Haley that it's okay to vote for me at tribal, and that it's going to be 3 votes for me, 2 votes for Nicole (DONE) Step 3: Watch the blindside unfold. Step 4: Do damage control with John. Let Ryan be mad at John and Haley for voting for me, let John have to apologize for voting for me, and me play victim and try to really rebuild the strength of our relationships. And then after that, make sure that John and Ryan are the ones at odds with each other, while me getting John back on my side, and putting me back in the driver's seat. I know that this is going to put an insane target on my back when it gets to later in the game, and I'm going to be the guy who had a good idol play in the third round, and I'm going to be the guy that's like "he found the idol once, he can probably find one again" so I'm going to have to be real tricky with getting to merge, because I think the target is going to be on my back a lot more now than it would have ever been this early in the game, but I'll just have to throw caution to the wind and really come up with some shit and hope for the best. I did not want to have to play this hard this early, but it's happening :/ I need a swap soon. I would LOVE for us to go to tribal one more time before we swapped, to vote out John, and then Haley, Ryan and I all make it to a swap, to where I need to build some super strong relationships with some people. Haley ratted out John so much to me in the midst of this whole thing, and that Nicole and John are trying to vote for me this round, and John is going to say some snarky shit like "There's only room for one John." I'm torn on when I'm going to use the "throw haley under the bus" card, but I'm not quite there yet. I know it's going to come eventually, because that girl is playing very well very hard and very early in this game, so it'll be too tough to tell. I don't like that this is how this round is happening, but I'm ready for that OTTP5 edgic this round..... Me when I wanted a MOR3 NFVNVKSLDNFJKLVNLJKSDF

So more information coming your way live from Johnny's bed :) So Haley also tells me that Nicole is negotiating Haley's vote for the half of an idol that Nicole has, so now the plan is for Nicole to give Haley the half an idol before tribal, and then I'm going to be idoling out Nicole at tribal, while Haley has the half an idol in her pocket, which means we're back to Haley having a half, and all we have to do is find one more half, and we're golden. This is a very productive round for my game. If only this was a merge tribal council this was happening at, I'd be making a winning move here, but it's cool. I'll just hope for Owen to continue to throw twists my way that can hopefully get me out of these snake holes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  

So it's been a lot more calm now that we won the last two challenge which is nice although there was some drama picking team captain, I thought Rebecka was getting close with Bran but them fighting over Bran being captain or not showed that Rebecka isn't with him.

And I'm kinda worried about her cus I know Julia and her have some kind of connection now, I also think she's doing anything she can to get back into good graces. Like when I said I was doing my final project yesterday she PMd me saying that I could do it and she believed in me and shit which is nice and myabe that's her being genuine but she wasn't that talkative until she realized she was on the bottom so hmmm I feel like she might just be trying to get me to trust her now. But hunny I don't buy it, you're a threat. I don't trust you and if we ever swapped tribes and it was just you and me on a new tribe I already know you'd try to get my ass out. So i'ma strike first. Idk if we're gonna tribe swap next round or not but if we don't and we lose the challenge I am pushing hard for Rebecka to go. She is a threat to me and her torch needs to be snuffed.

Things are finally getting wild. I brought together my two alliances to form the Kids Next Door, an alliance consisting of Chris, Autumn, Dane, and myself. I've also been forming better relationships with Sam and Bryan, because it's looking pretty likely that we'll end up swapping soon- and I genuinely like them both. Like, if we ended up as the final 6, I'd be incredibly happy. Chris also screwed up and sent Bryan a message that was meant for Autumn and me, and Bryan went and told me about it- so I'm hoping he trusts me enough to give me information in case we ever lose. The only person I haven't talked strategy with is Sam, so it feels like we're both walking on thin ice trying to avoid mentioning the elephant in the room: that she betrayed me once, and we'd LIKE to work together, but we don't know if it's possible to completely trust one another given our history. Also, my pockets are overflowing with little knickknacks that I can't really do anything with. https://78.media.tumblr.com/ea49454532a394d02c4f61d90a7c7362/tumblr_nhrjgwdRhp1u4mldxo1_400.gif So far, in the Storybook, I've found a challenge advantage, half a Hidden Immunity Idol, and a coin that might possibly one day do something if I'm lucky. I'm hoping I get to stick around to see all these things pay off. In the meantime, only Johnny, Ryan, and Nicole are eligible to be voted off, and I'm really hoping Nicole goes home. If Johnny goes home I might cry.

BDC is a real asshole to pick me over Haley and John. I know he doesn’t like me , I wish he wasn’t so fucking fake 

Our tribe has alliances within alliance and it's starting to unfold. Our tribe is a mess and very sloppy you never know where people heads are at you get told one thing one minute and next it's a whole new thing. Hopefully the people who I trust which is Ryan, john and Johnny all stick with the original plan tonight and vote Nicole .

Ok so there's officially two alliances within Imperium- one with Dane and one without him lol. Ned, Chris, and I are the closest so we're Mystery Inc since I said our tribe feels a lot like Scooby Doo. We believe the three of us are Fred, Shaggy, and Daphne while Dane, Sam, and Bryan are Scooby, Velma, and Scrappy. Honestly I can't unsee it and that alliance could highkey go all the way because no one really picks up on it. The one with Dane is Kids Next Door based off of Codename Kids Next Door haha; Ned is No. 1, Dane is No. 3, Chris is No. 4, and I'm No. 5 (we've given Owen No. 2 lmao). Both alliances are solid and I feel really good about that so no complaints! Imperium talks all day every day so I really don't even want us to go to tribal. We're very 60's and all about peace, love, and good vibes. Yes we have a suballiance and I know Vietnam is coming but so far we don't really have any major problems or issues to work out. I think Sam and Bryan are too dangerous to make merge but we're lowkey a family now so I'm slightly torn. THERE BETTER NOT BE A TRIBE SWAP OR ELSE ILL FIGHT KNOW THAT

So like this tribe is so sketchy. Like bitch if you are gonna be so sketchy get a sketchbook smh. Anyways, so like I only trust Brandon on this tribe. Fuck the rest of these hoes. I can sniff out the BS. So Brandon and I are pretty positive that Bran got an Idol. And we are also pretty posititve Bran is throwing the challenges because he has an idol, and wants to play it. Which puts anyone at risk in this tribe. Like shit! I ain't got time 4 it. And ALSO Rebecka and Jake. Don't even get me started. I used to make alliances and close friendships of mine very obvious on accident, and they are no different. Like bitch OBVIOUSLY you are messing around. And that is VERY DANGEROUS. Because it outs the Brandon /Jake/Julia allaince, and makes Jake safe, and screws Brandon and I. UgHHH. I am really hoping for a goddamn swap ngl.

https://youtu.be/Nf6Gt2hLBHI

I'm so annoyed, but if this works, it may be one of the biggest early moves I've ever made. First off.... the confessional from earlier. It was a genius idea, but of course our tribe's village idiot fucks it up yet again (dull) So OF COURSE (surprise surprise) Haley tells Ryan about the idol, which means that our cover is blown, Ryan is mad I didn't tell him, and now Haley is "telling" me she is 100% voting for Nicole. I don't trust Haley for shit, so I run to John because I've just gotta get him 100% on my side to make sure that he is going to be voting to keep me, and he knows that he can use me in the future, and that even though he loves Nicole, he's gotta trust me. I tell John that Haley gave me her half of the idol, and that I've got the whole thing. I told John that if he doesn't tell anyone that he knows about my idol, it gives us a lot of wiggle room and we can figure out how Haley is going to use her knowing about my idol to her advantage, and we can just out her more as a snake than she has been for the first three rounds of this game. John also told me that Nicole gave her half of the idol to John, since she is so confident she is being voted out, so now Haley has nothing (thank the lord), i've got a full one, and John has a half, which can turn into a whole very very soon since apparently these things are dumb easy to find. (Note: I told John that if I found another half, I'd give it to him, but there's no way in fucking hell I'm giving up a half an idol, are you fucking kidding me? The only way I'd give it to him is if I had to do something dumb, publicly, to obtain the idol... Then I'd give it to John *eyeroll*) Nicole and John both promised me I'm not being fucked with, and that I'm a good guy and this isn't some master blindside, and if they're correct, then we're going to have four stoners here after tribal council, and our alliance of four is what is going to remain. Here is where I stand right now: 1. I don't trust Haley for shit 2. I need to work on John's trust, and I kinda expect him to tell Ryan about my whole idol, but he knows that Ryan knows and that may get back to me, so he may not tell Ryan 3. Ryan needs to know that I still have utmost trust in him, and that him and I are probably at the center of this tribe right now, because next tribal will probably be between John and Haley going home. 4. Nicole is a saint, does not deserve this if she's getting voted out, but if she has an idol of some kind, and i'm being fucked with, rip Ryan. I'm praying this tribal goes in my favor.

https://youtu.be/NhG5oWDSHpw https://youtu.be/6NYH_XsYX8c

[rapturedtoxicity]

Me: yo Me: wassup Friend: nm just bout to watch the mayweather fight Me: right Me: mcgregor or mayweather Me: ? Me: disclaimer i dont know shit abt any of that Friend: boxing match Friend: jst watching it since it will be a thing that lots of people talk about Me: fair enough Me: i am Me: extremely drunk rn Me: have been for the last 6 days Friend: lol Friend: welcome to how many people spend their early 20s Me: cheers Me: it helps deal with the pain tbh Me: dude Me: weird question maybe but Me: have you ever self harmed Friend: no but its not something that works with me Me: fair enough Me: i've been trying it Me: it kinda helps Me: for me Friend: ive done it but not directly Friend: just training slamming my fist and knees into a wall Friend: until i just ran out of energy Me: i getcha Friend: but it didnt do anything Friend: but those times i just wanted to feel anything that wasnt what i felt ever yday Friend: even if it was physical pain Friend: it was nice to feel something else Me: yeh Me: kinda where i am atm Me: been making cuts into my arm Me: to distract from the heartache Me: it helps a lot Me: surprisingly much actually Me: dont mean to be depressing, rofl Me: dont intend to make it a permanent habit or anything but Me: fuck Me: it helps Me: god damn Friend: i get you Friend: but people do it for different reasons Friend: i just want to punish myself Friend: i found other ways to do that Me: kind of on that page atm Me: punishing/relief Me: feel like i deserve it in a way Friend: for me those were 2 different things, it was nice to feel something else but essentially it got me nowhere closer to a positive end goal Friend: or so i've rationalised what im doing now to be conducive Me: yeh Friend: im sure im wrong but Me: idk if im aiming for a positive end goal atm? just kinda Friend: im far too proud, i have to do it solo Me: doing it to relieve stress in the moment Me: you get me Me: ? Me: yeh i get you Friend: a little but Friend: when i did that stuff Friend: i couldnt do anything Me: i know it's fucking stupid and all that Friend: my brain just didnt think straight Me: and i know i aint thinkin straight Me: yeh Me: but Me: it does help. Me: for me, at least Me: redirects the fucking Me: immense emotional pain into Me: slight physical pain Me: distracts me in the moment Me: only real downside atm for me is how hard it is to hide it Friend: nah thats effort Friend: showing it is fine Friend: just make sure you have a solid convo ender to observers who question it Me: i agree personally but Me: my coworkers keep telling me to cover up and shit Me: like im not looking for attention Friend: cover up? Me: im just doing my own thing when i roll up my sleeves at work and shit Friend: do your cuts etc show? Me: yeh Friend: yeh thats stupid Friend: obviously Friend: use your leg or something Friend: fuck knows why im helpng you do this Me: hahhhahahhaha Me: i actually cracked up Me: lmfao Friend: but until you realise better Friend: me saying Friend: dont do it Friend: wont achieve shit Me: agreed Friend: but you need to know you're retarded for doing it Me: heard that a bit much lately Me: just makes me feel spite Me: yeh i know it's retarded Friend: you're smart enough to suffer until you have a better answer Me: aye Me: i get it Friend: you might hate me a little for saying it Me: just dont have a better answer atm Friend: but personally i think you shouldn't be shit sad Friend: this* Me: elaborate Friend: i know its all relative obviously Friend: but tons of people would kill to have the kind of breakup you had Friend: yeh things will be a little tough but you still have someone close (at least thats what we know for now) Friend: you need to thing of all the good things Friend: and think like Friend: ok magic lamb Friend: genie magic Friend: go Friend: change your situation Me: i am Me: i've started working on myself and shit Friend: lamp* Me: am meeting ppl pretty much every day and shit Me: going out more, doing new things Me: but when i get home the rest of it takes over Friend: but would you be doing that if you knew you had no chance with her? Me: id probably Me: take a few days to just fucking sulk to be honest Friend: i mean i understand how decisions are influenced to match your S/o Me: and then try and work on it Friend: but a "change" like that needs to be genuine or its all superficial Friend: and fragile Me: no yeah like Me: ive been thinking like Me: last couple days like Me: as much as i hate that this is happening Me: maybe it's a good thing in the big picture Me: because i'd become so fucking like Me: isolated Me: i was only really meeting her Me: and chilling with her Me: never really met or did anything with friends Me: so in a way it was a wake up call Me: made me realize that i had to water the crops so i could keep on reaping them Me: still have my eyes on the prized flower ofc Me: but it kinda made me realize that she isnt the only thing thats important to me Me: shes obviously really fucking important to me but it really kind of woke me up Me: like a splash of water to the face Me: like Me: "shit i fucking. i gotta get off my ass and meet friends and shit" Friend: yeh its true Me: made me understand how important all that shit is to me kind of Friend: as you get older, you need to always make an active effort Friend: to stay on top of friends Me: yeh Me: cause i was very reliant on her in a way Me: and as much as i want that to be a thing still Me: it made me understand that i can also rely on other people Me: i can also look to other people Me: meet other people etc etc Me: i've come to understand that a lot of the things thatMe: meet other people etc etc Me: i've come to understand that a lot of the things that Me: i originally didnt like to do with her Me: or like Me: "didnt like" Me: it made me realize i was just being a shitter in my own world Me: i actually enjoy a  lot of those things Friend: thats also a tricky thing tho Friend: like feeling that a bad aspect about you needs fixing Me: just didnt understand it cause i was so stuck in my loop Me: yeh sure maybe im just saying/doing that to make myself feel better unconsciously but at least its something right Me: a different perspective Me: like Me: i find myself Me: actually wanting to go on walks Me: i find myself actually wanting to do all this shit i thought i hated doing Me: i feel more awake in a sense Me: so while i still really want her back i think ive kind of found the light at the end of the tunnel in a way Me: a different light than i was originally searching for, maybe Me: but a light nonetheless Friend: i get you Friend: a little advice is try not to mention any "changes" you have Friend: personally its just better if a person realises your changes from seeing it first hand Friend: dont be that guy who promotes himself Me: yeh cause it'll maybe make her think im trying to change for her or something Friend: yeh Me: instead of actually changing Friend: dont advertise it ever Friend: just know what you're showing and how you're acting is a result of work and mentality Friend: if it shows it shows Friend: if it doesnt then who cares Friend: you do you for you Friend: it would just be good obv if the flower gets it without any assist Me: yeah Me: for sure Me: i think Me: if we end up hanging out again and shit Me: i'm pretty sure i'm still just gonna Me: want to ask her to go out for a walk and do shit and all that Me: because i feel that desire now Me: even if i'm making cuts on my arms and drinking like a maniac Me: like i still feel like im making progress Me: even if my current ways of coping with the pain are fucking retarded Me: and im very aware of that Me: i kinda feel like i can maybe learn from being a fucking moron for a little bit though Me: understand a bit better how that is, how the perspective switches you know Friend: yeh Me: notes to be had Me: dont advertise change Me: it gives the wrong impression Me: might make her think its superficial Me: uhhhHHh Me: stop being retarded at some point obviously Friend: tbh a big thing of being in your head too much Friend: is if you're not actually busy Friend: so try and do mre Friend: in the day Friend: tire yourself out Friend: budget your time bette Friend: r Friend: dont yolo days Me: i feel like being a moron and behaving irresponsibly for a bit is ok because this is the most painful shit ive gone through ever pretty much Friend: cus then you just think about shit you dont need to Friend: cus you've nothing better to do Me: yeh Me: plan shit Me: do things Me: make plans in advance etc etc Friend: that might help Me: i feel like Me: idk if im wrong abt this Me: but Me: i think it's okay to be a moron for a bit Friend: personally Friend: i mean it makes sense Me: obviously you're the fuckin logic sensei and all that Friend: but think of dota shitters who are like Friend: im 2k so i dont need to get dust Friend: cus at that point its ignorance after the fact Me: and, again: i'm actively referring to myself as a fuckin moron so i understand that this shit is just retarded Friend: like choosing the ignorance Friend: thats cool Me: but atm it feels like it's aight Friend: but like how i avoid saying sorry Friend: if you keep calling yourself a moron Friend: that word wont mean shit Me: it'll lose meaning yeh Friend: cus your brain will just go Me: i'll just say sth else lol Friend: ive called myself that for weeks Friend: /months Me: yeh Me: i get you Me: stops meaning anything Me: idk. maybe im just not ready to like Me: take the leap Friend: yeh see thats legit to accept Friend: things like that take some time Friend: some wisdom Me: yeah Friend: so you make the call when you think you're ready Friend: some people never are ready Friend: and need the push Friend: but give yourself a chance Friend: to figure it out yourself Me: i think i will know soon enough Friend: before you get pushed Me: yeah Me: i definitely needed the push Me: the breakup was a big push tbh Me: really shoved me in the deep of it Me: like i said Me: made me understand what i value and all that Friend: yeh thats something that sucks Friend: but its kinda nice to Friend: too* Me: yeh Me: bittersweet Friend: you def feel growth once you realise what you had Friend: after you loseit Friend: yeh Friend: you'll see things a little differently now Me: yeah Me: if things take off again with her Me: i'll understand better what i want and what she wants Me: the growth is a nice feeling despite all the shittiness Me: it's some what relieving i guess Me: to understand myself a little better Me: man my coworkers were constantly telling me to cover up the cuts today Me: felt kinda bad tbh Friend: it should Me: cause im not ashamed of them really Friend: you showing other people makes it their problem Friend: because you would rightfully say Friend: hey if you're a good person Friend: and you see someone in troble Friend: you'd help Friend: so you openly showing something wrong Friend: doesnt make it just a hraug problem Me: i guess that's true Friend: so its fine not to be ashamed Friend: but do it for the others around you Me: yeah Me: that's fair Me: i feel like its kind of important that Me: like Me: im not trying to show anything Me: does that make sense like Me: im not pulling up my sleeves as a cry for help im just trying to not get them dirty while i work Me: but i obviously understnad that people seeing that shit is gonna have some effect on them one way or another Me: im just kinda like Me: obviously its not as simple as saying "it's none of your business" but that's kind of how i feel anyways Me: cuz its not something that im trying to show Me: its not something i think people should worry about Me: because i dont worry about it Me: but maybe im just being ignorant Me: or sth Me: idk Friend: yeh you are Friend: just get some bandages and perma keep em on Friend: but again its just normal sadness that you're feeling its no different to a normal breakup, you should try for a week to not to cut or stuff Friend: cus its not a smart way to deal with sadness in general Friend: especially when its nowhere near as bad as just out right being rejected due to failure or anything else Me: thats true i guess Me: idk though. i feel like that argument just goes back to like Me: children in africa and all that shit Friend: yeh dw about that just think he this is how i feel in this situation Friend: so just try and understand why you're feeling the way you're feeling Friend: that'll help you tackle how you feel Friend: and in the future it will make sense Friend: you;ll see the same signs Friend: etc etc Me: yeah Me: i suppose Me: that is true. Me: dude im so drunk lmfao i was actually considering asking you if you wanted to see my cuts Me: lmfoashdjgk Me: complete retard over here Me: god damn Me: ugh Me: i think i need to sleep maybe Friend: lol well i understand why you'd say it Friend: it wont phase me Friend: but i wont condone it Me: nah Me: i get that Friend: yeh that's smart Me: im the same w that w other people Me: condoning is not good Me: but theres a difference between condoning and like Me: accepting Me: i guess? Friend: yeh Friend: but cutting is a last resort in my head Friend: so im surprised you jumped str8 there Friend: but again we're all diferent Friend: ff* Me: i Me: tried it at first Me: because i was kinda curious Me: wondered it if it'd do anything for me Me: cause i know some people that have done it and said it helped them cope Friend: yeh it def helps nodoubt Me: and i was curious cause i havent really found anything to cope Friend: but again Friend: in my head its a last resort Me: havent had any desire to play any games in the last week Me: which is my usual coping method Me: yeh Friend: i see Me: but we're all different Me: like you said Me: i gotta stop drinking Me: rofl Friend: hah Friend: ive heard that a trillion times Friend: its shameful Me: feels bad Me: feels kinda good Me: but it feels bad Friend: lol Friend: welcome to the drunk life Me: hahahha Me: yeh Me: im learning to drink through this actually Me: learning how to pace myself Friend: absinth was a tricky one for me Friend: hate the taste Me: never had it afaik Me: did my first tequila shot tonight Friend: you'll know when you taste it Friend: you cant taste anythign Me: shit was nasty Friend: but that Friend: you could lick a hobos ass Friend: and not taste anything Friend: but absinth Me: shit Me: is it as agressive as gin? Me: gin is fucking nasty Me: like eating the bark of an orange Friend: its like Friend: gin Friend: super saiyan steroids Friend: +10 Me: ugh Me: nvm then Friend: you gta try it Friend: if you do it Friend: have like a single shot Friend: as a first drink Me: how strong is it? Friend: so you can taste it and shit Me: yeh Friend: its the strongest there is i think Friend: like 60% Friend: something stupid Me: ohhh bitch Me: that is nasty Me: aight well Me: im gonna fucking Me: sleep Me: cheers for the chat dude Me: always a pleasure Friend: likewise Friend: nn dude

[lattetae]

get to know me [pt. 21345789] tag 

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

tagged by the following sweeties : @puppytae @blumiin @kookmiinie @taeonie

i’ll tag [optional as usual] : @lovekyg @winktaes @donghunny ok i quit i don’t wanna bother 20 people lol but here are some new mutuals so hi!! obvs you don’t have to do this but i just wanted to show recognition! 

THE LAST:

1. drink: coffee

2. phone call: my mum

3. text message: ‘hows it hangin’ @ my friend

4. song you listened to: smooth operator - g.soul (he also just came out with a new hit n it was really good but like…idk i didnt hear as much of his nice voice as i thought i would?? maybe his style is changing since he left jyp idk)

5. time you cried: yesterday

6. dated someone twice: no

7. kissed someone and regretted it: no

8. been cheated on: no

9. lost someone special: all previous pets :’(((  

10. been depressed: i was depressed throughout high school and i think im better now thanks to leaving the shitty 12-16 education system. looking back on how i acted back then is like looking at a different person. but sometimes…i think we just pretend to be happy right?

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: im teetotal, although my sister constantly reminds me that i won’t stay like this for long. 

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: fawn, mustard, light green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: do tumblr buds count? if so - yes. :))) 

16. fallen out of love: no

17. laughed until you cried: yes! 

18. found out someone was talking about you: no 

19. met someone who changed you: people do change us but i don’t meet many lol i need to get out more? 

20. found out who your friends are: i guess i always knew….maybe i need more

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: fb is still breathing???

GENERAL:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: n/a

23. do you have any pets: two cheeky little fancy mice and one mischievous red cavapoo

24. do you want to change your name: i think everyone hates their name when they’re young, i always yearned for my name to be something different - ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’. but given the compliments that i get on my name now, i think i have grown to like it :)))

25. what did you do for your last birthday: i went to a chinese restaurant with my parents and my older brother. we had a huge vegetarian banquet (ahhh i hate wasting food so i tried to eat fucking loads lmao). 

26. what time did you wake up: 9.45am

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: watching a girl and three sweetheart - i loved it at first but you know when the storyline just slows its pace in the middle jfdskgfhg i’m like just get together already!!!!!

28. name something you can’t wait for: i need to make a phone call to sort a work placement out n the worry is at the back of my mind 24/7 so i can’t fucking wait until i have made that damn phone call. i’m procrastinating; i hate phoning :((

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like 1hr ago? she was watching the great british menu lol she loves her cooking programmes (in contrast to me). i think she secretly dreams of working in the catering industry again.

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish that i had more confidence, i think that is the main thing that prevents me from achieving so much more. i doubt myself and i can’t do basic tasks with ease (such as making phone calls or even trying to get a weekend job). in that way, i think i’m such a failure lol. 

31. what are you listening right now:  E66S 卵 - I know where I’m going

32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes (i appreciate the randomness) 

33. something that is getting on your nerves: my own thoughts afhkdsfh just stfu

34. most visited website: youtube

35. mole/s: arms n like a couple on my leggos

36. mark/s: tuan? lol nah i dont have any marks

37. childhood dream: i used to want to be a detective blessss

38. hair color: brown 

39. long or short hair: short

40. do you have a crush on someone: no

41. what do you like about yourself: i make decisions with my heart not my head. a lot of people would call that a weakness. not me lol

42. piercings: three. 2 on one lobe and 1 on the other. i rarely wear rings though bc i can’t fucking get my ball closure rings shut!!:((( i gave up long ago damn i forgot they even existed

43. bloodtype: my parents are both O so i’m guessing that i am an O too…or something went wrong lol 

44. nickname: saff, saffy

45. relationship status: single n ready to– stay single forever

46. zodiac: gemini

47. pronouns: she/her

48. favorite TV Show: six feet under is so good omg like i can rewatch that shit ughhhhhh i can’t recommend enough its just so realistic n deals with issues like death and relationships and internalised homophobia and depression and nymphomania and growing up and growing old. it. is. a. good. one. 

49. tattoos: i want some

50. right or left hand: right hand

51. surgery: i had a partial nail avulsion a couple years ago and it was a wild experience (which involved looots of waiting) but the nhs did me proud in the end :)) the doctor asked me what my fave band was (p!atd) and so he played a playlist of mvs on his little computer screen and all the nurses were reacting to it. 

52. piercing: same

53. sport: what is a sport lol no thx

55. vacation: japan

56. pair of trainers: i don’t own any trainers fkhdjg

MORE GENERAL:

57. eating: avocado skins are next to me - need more clues?

58. drinking: on my way to make another coffee

59. i’m about to: make a coffee

61. waiting for: my life to begin

62. want: to go grocery shopping soon

63. get married: i often romanticise marriage but i know that it has caused my mum to be trapped in her current one so yeah, that’s gonna be a no from me dawg

64. career: veterinary nurse – pls pray that i get all my grades bc im very worried at the moment :(((( 

WHICH IS BETTER?:

65. hugs or kisses: hugs bc they are rare and usually make me cry

66. lips or eyes: ?? both??

67. shorter or taller: taller

68. older or younger: someone with an old soul, but not necessarily old in age

70. nice arms or nice stomach: arms? idc

71. sensitive or loud: both at the same time

72. hook up or relationship: soulmate :’)

73. troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. kissed a stranger: im sure that i have kissed a strange dog..or rather it invaded my mouth with its tongue ajfhsdkfj does that count

75. drank hard liquor: no

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: who tf loses glasses - no

77. turned someone down: no

78. sex in the first date: no

79. broken someones heart: no

80. had your heart broken: im 17 ffs no lmao 

81. been arrested: no but i got detained in urban outfitters for stealing a ring when i was in high school hahahah. the security guard ran after me and my then friend and dragged us behind into some room and took mugshots on his phone. he then raided our bags… damn he was awful but luckily my friends mum came to pick us up or he said he would take us to the police. then we were banned from the shopping mall for a year and banned from all urban outfitters for 3 years! i havent been in since lmfao

82. cried when someone died: i had to go to a funeral for someone that i didn’t know and i ended up crying because of the atmosphere you know? also of course i have cried at all my previous pets deaths. 

83. fallen for a friend: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. yourself: i like to think so but no i don’t aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i hate myself for doubting myself so much

85. miracles: no

86. love at first sight: no

87. santa claus: of course ;)

88. kiss in the first date: is that even a belief?? i think that it is fine.

89. angels: eg. kim taehyung

OTHER:

90. current best friends name: ginny

91. eyecolor: brown

92. favorite movie: one of my faves is the man from nowhere. it is a korean thriller and a must-watch. one of my favourite english movies is jarhead, because apart from the fact that i love jake g, i also love the theme so much. i think it makes for some really interesting conversation. 

[saintkimora]

ok……..here is the long awaited post of what happened on saturday night! (Last Saturday night btw not yesterday night) ive been too busy to post about it until now but it is juicy

so as i said on saturday, joel and i were texting on and off that day but it was weird as usual. so after i showered i wrote out a text to him saying that even though we havent been communicating much recently i still miss him and think about him all the time and that i appreciate the chances i do get to talk to him. so i sent this message but literally the second it sent i got a message from him. like we sent our texts at the same time. so i started reading his text and it started with “perry……im really sorry but what we have isnt working out” skafjhkajdhfkjads so i felt like a jolt in my legs and had to sit down. so he sent this long ass breakup text and here are the basic points that he used

he isnt ready for a relationship/exclusivity (even though HE was the one who literally deleted all his dating apps the day after we met bc he wanted to focus on pursuing me)

he hasnt been making the effort and i deserve someone who does

he hasnt been opening up and he is aware of that bc he knows he isnt ready

i deserve someone who is in a better place in their life than he is rn/someone who has their stuff together

i dont deserve what hes putting me through

he wants time to be single and make mistakes and regret them (stupid ass reasoning btw)

he knew using texts was the wrong way to end it but he wasnt strong enough to do it in person

he apologized if i feel like i wasted my time on him/if i regret anything ive done w him (since the last time i saw him before this was when i had sex with him)

hes sorry that he isnt treating me better

not my fault at all

so yeah that was the text! i didnt even read it fully until later on like i skimmed it and called him immediately and asked if we could talk in person (ofc i got all choked up trying to ask and almost started crying over the phone) so he said yes he owes me that much so i grabbed my tissue box, tried to put on my shoes (my mom had to help me bc i was shaking too much) and drove to his apartment and then sprinted to his apartment from where i parked a block away. i got there and his roommates werent home so it was just him. he opened the door and i said hi and he let me in and it was v solemn so we went into his room and sat on his bed and this is where the drama really started

so i was like “can i have a hug” and he was like “yes” so we hugged and i started crying. so we hugged for a while and then we separated and i was like “ok so explain why you want to end this” so he started explaining it to me. i was crying and he was crying too but i was crying more obv! i was like bawling. his eyes were red and tears were falling and he was sniffling but he wasnt like crying hard

so he just explained that he was in a bad place when he met me and he still is in that bad place (in reference to his depression) and how its not me its him and how i deserve someone who puts in the effort and doesnt distance themselves from me and actually has the time to see me and i was annoyed bc caleb did the same thing and i am sick of other guys telling me whats best for me like *vicki from rhoc voice* how do you know whats best for me? and like obv just bc you have depression doesnt mean you dont deserve love, like he said he still liked me and wanted to be with me and how it was breaking his heart to have to do this so i did not want him to end something just bc he felt he didnt deserve me or that he wasnt worthy of my love or anything like that 

so he also explained how he wasnt ready to settle down and i was like sis we arent even officially boyfriends yet, its not like im asking you to marry me and have kids lmfao and he said he wasnt ready for exclusivity so i was like “does that mean you wanna fuck other guys?” and he was like “i dont know” so ????? and he was like “im feeling conflicted” so i was like wtf is going on in here on this day

also i asked if his roommates were home and he said no he was home alone tonight and that was part of why he was feeling so bad and its like sis…..if being alone makes you feel worse then making yourself even more alone by breaking up w me doesnt seem like the best way to fix that! and i told him that i was free tonight and he couldve just invited me over if he was feeling lonely and he was like “i thought you would be busy” like sis literally the only times i am ever busy on saturday nights is when im with him!! lmao

he also said he wasnt opening up bc he couldnt/wasnt ready for it yet, but like i wasnt asking him to open up like all i wanted was for him to put a modicum of effort into our conversations just to show that he cared, like we can just keep doing fun things like im not asking him to get all deep and vulnerable with me (although i would love that too)

so we just had a very emotional time, i was crying my eyes out nonstop and he was lightly crying as well, there was lots of hugging and holding and stuff so like i was really really REALLY losing it like i was so MESSSSSSSSSSYYYY like i was just getting all in my feelings and saying all the things im gonna miss about him and like apologizing for anything i did wrong/apologizing for not being enough for him and like it was really really bad. but i was still also cracking jokes like a dumbass throughout the whole thing lmao bc i like to find the humor in things

i decided to mention that i was originally planning to ask him to be my bf officially on our next date (that plan had changed since he became cold and distant the past week or two but originally i was planning on doing it on the next date after i got back from the retreat) just bc i was being emotional

at one point he was laying on the bed and i was sitting on the edge of it crying (and covering my face bc im an ugly crier even though he’d already seen plenty of footage of me crying at this point) and he held out his arms and was like “come here” and i was like “no” and looked away and he was like “please” like that was very satisfying bc it showed that he needed comforting as well at that moment

at one point i was just laying on my side rolled up in a ball scream crying into my hands now THAT was messy. it was nice though bc joel moved in behind me and tried to hold me and calm me down. speaking of calming down! there were some points where i got like………REALLY bad like i was breathing so hard and fast it was troubling but whenever i had a wave of that joel held me and tried to soothe me and help me breathe

i even offered to have an open relationship if he wanted (bc this was during the exclusivity convo) bc i was just trying to grasp at any straws i could at the moment in the hopes of reaching an agreement or just stalling for time so i could move past his walls and get through to him. in reality i would never even consider it bc it is definitely not for me but at the moment i was desperate. he said no though bc he knows i wouldnt want that and he said he didnt want me to compromise myself for him

so then this is when we reached the turning point. so joel was laying down and i was like half sitting on the bed/half laying on him. and i said something along the lines of “you dont have to go through this alone, i wanna be there for you” and like when i said alone he lost IT! like we had a breakthrough he started bawling just like i was this whole time!! obviously it was hard for me to see him in that state but it was also kinda nice to see how much he cared 

but then he started breathing really fast and he was like “i think im having a panic attack” so i was like uh oh so i was like omg do you want me to get off of you or something but he was like no stay here so i kept holding him and tried to help him ride it out. but then he choked out the words “i think im making the wrong decision” like !!!! i have never felt such a strong feeling of hope in my life! but i was just like its fine dont worry about it just breathe and btw during this event he was laying on his side so he was looking to the side while i was kinda on top of him so i was like at him. so then he turned to look me directly in the face and………………………

he said “I love you!” like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hearing that made me SO so happy so i was like “i love you too!” and we hugged and kissed and then he was like “ask me!!” and i was like “ask you what???” and he was like “ask me what you were gonna ask me before!” and i was like “OH! joel……will you be my boyfriend?” and he was like “YES!” and then we hugged again and laughed and made out and it was really really passionate even though we were both gross with tears and runny noses, like it might have even been the most passionate kissing ive ever had! it was a very emotionally intimate moment and i loved it

so then he was like “im sorry” and i was like dont worry about it lmao so then we just continued cuddling and kissing and stuff for a while. he told me that he knew i loved him back bc during my breakdown i said “i really really really really liked you” and he said he knew i wanted to say i loved you lol

he also said hes gonna try to open up more and put more of an effort in so!! that was nice

so it was hot in his room and we were all sweaty on top of being gross from crying so we showered together which is always fun. and during the shower he was very touchy and he would like press his body against mine and give little kisses on like my chest or my back which i really loved. we also did some sexual stuff too

then we got out and dried off and he finally said he would watch flavor of love with me!! so we watched a few eps and it was super fun. then we cuddled until we fell asleep holding each other which is always one of my fave parts of our dates. he was very affectionate and sweet and i really liked it. then we fell asleep and in the morning i had to go home bc i had work or something

so yeah thats it! it made me really happy that he said i love you (and that he said it to me first!!) and i made sure he knew that he could always ask me for anything he needed if he was feeling down again or something. so now fast forward to today he is back to texting me every day and being an active and engaging texter! and i went over to do homework with him on monday night which was fun! and then on friday night he invited me over at like midnight and we got checkers and then we hung out and cuddled and watched more flavor of love. and then we did some more sexual things which was really fun! he was really really into me again and he literally is the hottest guy ive ever met so i enjoyed getting to make him feel good and stuff

on friday the 13th i am taking the gsa eboard + jami w me to go see the addams family musical at his school since he is part of the pit orchestra so that will be fun! i am very happy to have joel back and i am even happier that we are officially boyfriends now! and its so so so nice to get i love you texts again!! overall i am very happy with how things turned out and i am glad i fought to make it work instead of just seeing the text and being like ok bye