#of course i'm still very much capable of hate and anger—i've hurt many people that way as anyone might have in their lives

[chucapybara]

sometimes i think of that one quote. a quote, was it? i'm certain it was a post, really, perhaps here or elsewhere—but it was something about how we are a medley of all the people we have ever met, and how we come to carry a little piece of everyone that comes in and out of our life, whether to stay or merely in passing. we bear a mirror shard of memory from each person we have ever loved, hated, called a friend, so on.

and i remembered something.

when i was younger (i'm not so old so as to be saying that, but it's true that i was younger then), and i was all over roleplaying with people online and meeting new names—in what were probably not the best spaces, i found out later on—i had a thing i would ask. nothing much, really, a harmless question yet one that for one reason or another i would find myself bringing up under the pretense of getting to know someone a little better, but still a question.

it was about their favourite song, i think. that, or maybe a song they perceive to be about themselves, but maybe it was more of the former.

either way, i'd gotten a plethora of answers, the songs of which i could not remember the titles of but could still remember in vague recollections, and in the off and rare chance i still come across the artists who performed those songs i still think of those now-nameless people i had once called friend.

hey. i still carry a piece of you. to one: i hope you're doing well; to another, i hope that you finished college. the other shapeless—i hope you found a promotion at work. another: i hope love worked out well for you.

i'd left a lot of people walking forward, or perhaps inevitably it was them whose paths divulged from mine, but hey, i still think of you. i know you liked this thing, and i know you were really fond of this one anime. and i don't really think i have the heart to think negative in any sense of these ghosts from years passed, but i still remember.

i hope you're taking care. i hope you're well. i still remember.

[aspd-culture]

I'm miserable. I've relapsed in my ED and the only person I can truly confide in is my exception. Except he's going through some very heavy shit right now and likely doesn't have the energy to check messages. Yet I can see when he's online and no matter how much I try to calm myself down it still feels like he's consciously ignoring me and it's making my spiral 100 times worse even though this isn't his goddamned fault. I have to use so much fucking energy right now to keep myself from lashing out and I want him to fucking BE HERE FOR ME WHEN I'M HAVING THE WORST RELAPSE OF MY LIFE and it fucking hurts but I know I need to give him space and its so fucking hard. I'm alone and there's no one to talk to and I can't shake the irrational fear that he fucking hates me and that my issues have finally scared him away. Why can't I stop being so selfish, he's going through an even worse crisis right now and I just want him to myself, what's wrong with me?? Why am I in so much pain and WHY am I so fucking entitled???? it hurts, everything hurts. Everything fucking hurts and I just want it to stop.

I feel this so much. For people who have as much trauma as pwASPD do, especially since it usually develops from not being taken care of/supported properly in your trauma, it can be very difficult for us to tolerate having to go through things by ourselves when the people around us are struggling themselves/don't have the bandwidth to help us. It's a painful reminder of the struggling we did as children when there was absolutely no reason we shouldn't have been taken care of.

There's no easy one-size-fits-all answer to how to make yourself feel okay with this. The answer may just be to try to do your best to accept and feel these feelings and just not take them out on that person. It's ok to privately feel like you're entitled to their help and feel that anger as long as you aren't externalizing that. At the end of the day, what you're feeling is real and valid even if it is not by prosocial standards a rational, typical, or "acceptable" reaction. If you're not dragging them into that feeling, you're doing a great job already.

But that doesn't make it easier for you, of course, and not taking it out on them is not an easy task. For me, I am basically constantly reminding myself during situations like this that I am not that helpless child anymore. There are things I can do for myself to make my situation easier to some degree. I am able to support myself a lot better than I used to be able to. This helps remind my brain that this is not the situation it was as a kid, where to survive and adapt properly, I needed that external assistance for almost everything. I am stronger and more capable now. I remind myself that I have gotten through things not many other people have, when I was much younger than I should have been to be dealing with it, and did it almost entirely alone. I remind myself constantly that I can do this. Usually, I don't believe myself, but I repeat these things anyway. The human brain is an easy thing to trick just by simple repetition. If you're able to without feeling worse/triggering yourself, you can also remind yourself in detail of the things you have made it through that were similar or worse than this, and to think you made it through that when you were even younger? This won't be easy, of course, but if you survived those things, this has to at least be *doable*, right?

Sometimes, with things like EDs (which I have sadly spent a lot of time dealing with myself and still struggle with sometimes), I work on distraction - easier said than done, and I do have an advantage from being autistic so I can engage with a special interest which will naturally pull my attention to it without much effort on my part - and the concept of one day (or hour or half hour or ten minutes or whatever amount of time you can say "I would be ok if I only had to struggle for the next X minutes") at a time, then repeat. For me, with my ED, it's usually 15 minutes. So I say, "ok, I can handle this for 15 minutes," and then when that runs out, I reset my internal timer. It's important *not* to use an external timer because that will drag your attention to it. Just keep reminding yourself if you notice the time has passed, "I can handle this for x minutes" and do it again. Sooner or later, the urge will (for the moment) ease up, and you won't notice you stopped counting the minutes, and then you do that again for the next urge. This technique usually gets easier the more times you do it, because as it builds a success rate, you become more confident in being able to handle it for that amount of time and become less stressed by the repetition. The first time you do this method is pretty much definitely the hardest.

As for the person being online, I would try to remember that the internet is often a distraction from the struggles someone is going through. They likely aren't casually online - they are probably using it to cope much like you are. And for the fear that he hates you or has been scared off by your issues, is it possible he might feel the same way right now? Is it possible that he wants to be there for you (if he knows about the problem) and feels guilty that he just can't right now? These things tend to make me feel better, which I don't feel great about but it's true so why not remind myself of it.

Sometimes, when the flare is at it's worst, I let my thoughts go to a very antisocial place. I let myself picture the hell I know my partner goes through at times he can't help me - picture seeing and hearing and thinking everything he does in those moments (he struggles with hallucinations hence the see and hear), and how upset and scared he must be. It makes me feel weird that it helps me, but I think it's something close to empathy? To remind myself how scary it is and feel comfort in realizing he is really, really struggling in his own way and that is why he can't help me? Idk. Maybe it's nothing like what prosocials feel but if it helps, it helps. I know I'm not a bad person for imagining my partner's struggle and feeling relieved because I'm not happy he's struggling - I am just happy that he is not ignoring me for no reason. It also usually makes it easier for me to help *him* when it gets like that, which in turns gives me some distraction from my stuff.

Also, try to keep in mind that you are not being entitled by being hurt that he can't help you. While he has a good reason to not be able to, that is still painful. Humans are meant to rely on each other, and this is just a bit of that instinct that you still have. That's ok, and it's such a good thing that you trust him enough to want his help. And he will probably be so proud of you for making it through this, and so glad that you made it, and he may be pretty guilty that he couldn't help you too.

Again, this might not all work for you, but it's worth a shot.

If nothing else, know that I am here for you, and I believe you can get through this. I am so proud of you for how far you have made it, and I know this relapse will not get the better of you. You are so strong, and I know that because I know the situations that cause ASPD. You have made it through before, and you can make it through again. It won't last forever, even though it feels like it will, trust me. You can do this.

[justice4harwin]

Light's Corruption- Chapter IV

Pairing: The DarklingxAlina

Summary:With few friends at the Little Palace, Alina must work to win the favour of her fellow grisha and their commander, who makes her feel light headed every time she sees him.

After training in Os Alta for two years, the king grows tired of waiting and demands the Sun Summoner joins a western post near the Fjerdan border along with the rest of The Second Army to test her abilities.

Something happens. Suddenly, Alina wants blood to run down the rivers and those who stand in her and The Darkling’s way will be blinded by her light and swallowed by his shadows.

It won’t be pretty

Rating: 18+

Click here for chapter 3

Tags are in the comment section. If you dont wanna be there or wanna be added please let me know 😊

Anyways, I hope you like this one. I'm really excited over a particular scene 😏😏

Chapter 4: golden butterfly, black rose

Alina woke up with a new purpose: to observe and listen.

She hastily threw the blankets and sheets off of her and put on her kefta as she realized she might be late for breakfast.

Running down the stairs, hair a mess, the Sun Summoner smiled and greeted everyone on her path.

Some replied. Others just stared oddly.

She entered the hall to find that, as usual, Marie and Nadia had left a seat empty between them. Alina gingerly took it.

"Good morning!"

They gave her smiles as they reciprocated the greeting.

"You're in a good mood today." Nadia noticed, taking her spoon.

"I slept like a baby." she lied. She hadn't gotten that much sleep -Genya must've gotten even less- but she felt good that day.

Just the day before, she had been able to summon on her own for the first time, and she had to stay positive if she wanted to accomplish her new mission.

She engaged more in the chatter with the grisha women that day, venturing so far as to reply with questions of her own to get to know them better.

"I didn't know you had a brother, Nadia." she said, genuinely surprised as they made their way to Botkin's stables.

The woman nodded with a half-annoyed, half-endearing smile.

"He's grisha too. A few years younger, so he's still at school. His name's Adrik."

"Is he a Squaller too?" 

Nadia confirmed that he was, because of course, the little rat had to copy everything about his older sister.

Alina laughed at that.

"The little girl seems very happy for someone who's about to get into a fight?" were the words with which Botkin received her.

Alina fought back the need to recoil. The only time she had won so far had been against Zoya, …if one could consider that a win given what happened right after.

"Maybe I'll be lucky today." she beamed at him.

Botkin seemed almost surprised.

"Positivity is fine, little girl, but you need to focus during a fight. But first." he clapped his hands twice, immediately getting all the attention. "Run around the lake. Twice. The last one to get back here will help the stable hands for the rest of the day."

Alina really ran like never before that day.

Her side hurt, and she almost felt like she wasn't getting enough air; but after the first half, her legs didn't burn so much anymore, and she felt almost as good as she did when walking.

"Damn, Starkov." she turned her head to see that Michail, a heartrender with a hard-shaped face and kind, green eyes, was easily keeping up with her. "When did you get this fast?"

"Practice." she said, a little breathless but feeling nice with the cold air slapping against her face. "Besides, I really don't wanna end up in the stables."

He laughed at that.

"That makes two of us. I hate those animals."

Alina frowned. She just didn't wanna clean up their shit, but other than that, she could find nothing wrong with horses.

"Why?"

"Those long faces," he said, gesturing over his own. "they're scary."

"You're scared of horses?!" she asked, disbelieving. 

"Why don't you yell it a little louder?" he asked, looking around at the disperse group, but he was smirking. They weren't at the front, but they weren't slagging at the back either.

"Sorry." she leaned in. "I'll keep your secret if you help me not to be the last."

"I don't think you need my help," he laughed. "but sure."

She got knocked down on her ass by a short Inferni woman with dark blonde hair, but Alina laughed it off, hiding her embarrassment, and stretched out a hand. The Inferni rose an eyebrow and then helped her up.

"Thanks." she told her, dusting off the back of her kefta.

"For kicking your ass?"

"Hey, I think I did learn a thing or two." she winked. "Next time I'll be ready."

"Oh, so you want a rematch?" the woman asked, amused, as she crossed her arms over her chest. 

"If you're up for it." Alina shrugged.

"Deal." they shook hands. "But it'll have to wait until we're done with him." she said, nodding towards Botkin, who was busy making rounds, watching the others. "I'm Natasha, by the way."

"Alina."

"Oh, I know. Everyone knows." she smiled once more before retreating to a small group of Inferni that had reunited by a corner.

As she passed by the lake in her usual route to Baghra's hut, Alina got startled by the damage she had done to the perfectly green grass. Gardeners were still at work getting rid of the black mass she had left in her path, going so far as to dig into the earth. They saw her passing and glanced up, some frightened, others definitely not amused.

"I am so sorry." she whispered frantically, before hurrying her steps.

"Don't let the heat out!" was all the greeting she got from the ancient woman.

Alina closed the door and hurried to the chair that awaited her. She was smiling.

"I don't think that will be a problem." she said, proud of herself.

She scoffed. "So I have heard. Show me." she said, hitting her in the arm with her cane.

"Ouch!"

With a nasty frown, Alina placed her palms in front of the others and called the light that she had rejected for so long. So eager to answer, her power rushed through and out of her, and she was almost puzzled by its intensity. She focused on keeping the orb small.

"Uh. Well, it took you long enough."

"A 'Congratulations' would be nice."

She got hit again. Her light wavered and then solidified again.

"Congratulations? What? Do you want a parade thrown in your honour as well? For what? Doing what you were supposed to do your entire life? Shut up and expand the orb. Make it encompass the entire place."

With deep breaths, both to concentrate and control her anger, Alina steadily expanded her light, making it fill the hut.

"Bend it to its shape."

Carefully, she tried to do as she was told.

"You were right, about being held back." she uttered as she tried to shape her light to blend in with the walls.

"I know." the woman said, petulant. "Now call it back and repeat until there is no effort to it."

Alina tried, and tried again, but as eager as her power was to explode, her body was eager for a long, long nap. There had been so much repression, so much denial for so many years, that it was as if the light wanted to just explode out of her body and consume it all.

It scared her a little, but she focused.

The Darkling had told her she was magnificent, Alina remembered, and he had made it sound like she was capable of anything.

The way his grey eyes shone with such intensity, like he wanted to engulf her into his arms and have her all to his own, the way in which his hand felt against hers, or how just even being next to him made her want to lean into and over him like a lazy, overly clingy cat. 

She'd lay on top of him all day if she could.

Alina wondered what would've happened if Genya hadn't arrived at the moment she did. Would The Darkling had kissed her? What would his lips taste like? How would his beard feel against her skin? Just exactly how good was he with his tongue?

Alina blushed. The light flickered, as if excited at the mere idea of the man.

She had kissed a few people before, but him, there was something about him that told her that if he should kiss her only once, she'd spend the rest of her life running after the very same sensation and more.

"Dreaming about your dark prince again?"

She looked at Baghra.

"What?" looking around, she noticed that her light had expanded farther than the hut and she was glowing.

Alina snapped her hands, and everything was dark again. Her fingers tingled with power, her eyelids closed with exhaustion.

"I-I wasn't-" she blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the new environment.

"Stupid, stupid girl. You need to focus on your task."

"I'd concentrate better if I wasn't being hit every five min-OUCH!"

"Do not make excuses with me. You are lazy, easily distracted, you do not know what you are getting yourse-"

"You know, for someone who's supposed to be such a great teacher, I've still got to see some actual teaching." Alina snapped. "All you do is yell at me, hit me and belittle me; yet one conversation with The General I can finally summon." the brunette spat, each word more angrier than the previous one. "So don't try to blame me for your shortcomings."

Baghra was silent, nostrils flaring. When it looked like she might raise her cane and hit Alina right in the head with it, she opened her thin lips instead:

"Out." she uttered, almost inaudible. "Out! And do not come back!"

"Gladly!"

Alina stood up and marched for the door, her steps almost as loud as the insults the old woman was throwing after her.

"Stupid girl! Unconscious! Just another pawn of his! You never learn! Lazy! Stupid! Blind!"

 It was a good thing the old crone couldn't see the tears of frustration and shame in her eyes.

She was on her way back to the Little Palace, trying to decide if she should bathe or go to the library first.

Baghra’s words still rang in her head.

Maybe, if she was quick, really quick with her bath,...but then again, she was getting too used to such a luxury, that once in there it was quite difficult to leave unless the water turned cold.

But if she went to the library, she’d be there until the words blurred and her eyes burned.

On the other hand, there were other grisha in the library, and she couldn’t afford to walk in there smelling like-

"Alina?"

General Kirigan's smooth voice had her turning on her heels, hand still massaging the spot on her arm Baghra's cane had so harshly landed. She had managed to hold back the tears, but the woman's word still stung.

"Moi Soverennyi." She greeted but forgot to bow.

He looked at her arm.

"How was your lesson?"

"I spent months with her and nothing; five minutes with you and I can summon." She basically spat, still bitter at Baghra's harsh words. "I think that speaks for itself."

He smiled, almost.

"Give the old woman some credit. She is good at what she does."

"Terrorizing isn't teaching." she replied, and then, with her head high, added: "She didn't get me to summon."

"No." The Darkling agreed, taking a step towards her. All engulfed in his black cloak, he almost seemed to float. "You did it. It was all you." He said it with such reverence that her breath became shallow.

She didn't look away from his eyes. The storms swirling in there were magnetic. There was so much going on in there at the moment, yet it all sped up through those grey orbs so fast she couldn't make sense of it.

"Why don't you teach me?" The words slipped from her tongue before she could think better of it.

He rose an eyebrow, taking another predatory step towards her.

"I serve the King. I run an entire army. I do not have the time to train everyone personally, nor would I want anyone to think they are favoured above others." 

He was so close to her now, she had to crane her neck to look up.

"You once said there was no one else like us; who could be a better teacher?"

In truth, she also wanted to see him more often. Glimpses as he passed through the Little Palace or left Os Alta, and the occasional conversation weren't enough for her.

"You flatter me, Miss Starkov."

"I only state my opinion." she took a step, shortening the distance, like he was a magnet calling for her.

Mirth shone in his eyes. It made her smile. 

"I will be going away for a few weeks." At this, her smile fell, and his formed as he tilted her chin up with his gloved fingers.

Alina stared up into his eyes, dark with something.

"I'll miss you." She whispered, foolishly, without thought. 

"Will you?" He asked, almost perplexed for a moment.

She found herself nodding.

"I know we don't get much chance to talk, but I like talking to you." She confessed, a knot in her throat. "You understand all,...this." she flickered her fingers and a tiny orb of light formed above her hand.

His eyes followed suit, almost fascinated, like he still couldn't quite believe her power was real. And when he looked at her, it was like he couldn't believe she was real.

His hand rose and shadows swallowed her light. Alina watched them dance, entranced by his power, and noticed it taking shape.

"For you." The Darkling said, handing her a black rose, from the base of its steam to the very last petal. "To remember me by while I am gone."

Disbelieving, she reached out and gasped as she touched the shadow. There was a little bit of gold in there, her own power hidden within, shimmering weakly here and there.

"I don't have anything to give you." She said, lamenting.

He leaned down, his beard rough against her soft cheek.

"Trust me, Alina," he whispered, her name on his lips against her ear making her tremble. "I could not forget you if I tried."

There was the whisper of a kiss against her cheek that seemed to linger for the longest moment, …and then he was leaving, cloak flipping behind him as he left the sun Summoner holding onto a small piece of shadow and a piece of her heart gone with him.

Click here for chapter Five

[buddha-in-disguise]

5.18 So that was a lot!

Posting without editing, so apologies for any errors. I am running on barely any sleep, but really wanted to get this written while I could.

Overall impressions were great episode .... but again there were issues for me. However I will address them as I go through my thoughts on it all, and please don't think I am trying go bring this episode down. I'm not. It really was great! I just still see things that haven't been done that could've easily occurred to appease fans further or are examples of why 5b has been so problematic for me.

The opening was good, in that they actually explained that Leviathan were no longer at the location they'd used in Earth 38 before Crisis. These little pointers are what have been missed a lot this season (a couple of examples later ref Kelly). Too often it's been, we need to find their location; no explanation as to why that is.

Now onto the whiplash with Kara and her anger towards Lena.

Kara is angry over Lena being at the fortress and the reaction over her use of Myriad. Alex is the one actually acknowledging Myriad is a trigger for Lena.

Alex, who suddenly starts defending Lena? Then Kara is convincing herself Lena is involved with Lex. Look, I get that she would feel suspicious, I get she has the right to feel angry. But it is this sudden, seemingly out of nowhere anger, not recognising the good in Lena she has staunchly defended until now. With Alex understanding Lena's position.

As I say, I'm not saying Kara doesn't have a right to be hurt and angry. But to see such a quick role reversal in the Danvers sisters in how they're talking about Lena? That is what I find difficult to get my head around.

I don't expect Kara to be there fully defending Lena as she has done. But this just feels OOC yet again. This really isn't normal for Kara. We've seen her angry and feeling betrayed by those closest to her before, but you could see how it built. Understanding as to why those actions left Kara feeling like she did (Astra and J'onn anyone?)

Did I mention whiplash? Because, whiplash.

But it is good to see Kara once again around a table brainstorming with most of the Superfriends. Using her intelligence and skills to try and figure things out.

Nia is also finally able to be involved properly. I still feel annoyed Nia isn't really in CatCo at all these days, because as much as I love seeing her as Dreamer, I want to see Nia as more than just a Superhero. I want to see her continuing as a journalist, and like Kara, use both skills together when feasible.

The Tower is actually getting used (those computers aren't simply sitting there looking pretty). How many episodes has it taken to see this used properly for more than a brief scene? Too long.

M'gann is back. I love M'gann, and despite still feeling angry that they had J'onn throw her into a DEO cell, with no due process simply for being a White Martian, I've always enjoyed the dynamic between the two characters, and it wasn't a surprise they kissed. Although god damn it, where was our Dansen kiss. Even a hug? But onto Dansen in a bit.

Alex got into some action. That car hood slide?! Phew. It is suddenly very hot in here. We certainly wouldn't complain if they throw a few more of those hood slides in future episodes.

This is the sort of thing a lot of fans love Alex for. Her kick ass, throwing herself around best.

Plus the scene with Kara in the library just before that, also had the Danvers sisters vibe we have just missed a lot this season, especially 5b.

The DEO being destroyed. Of course we knew it was coming, but it was still good to see the whole sequence of action leading up to it. Kara jumping through that window! Day. Made.

The Nia and Brainy scenes though. My poor Brainia heart. Actually the way Nia and Kara turned and walked away outside after the collapse of the DEO .... oof. Understandable but still gut wrenching. The parallels to Lena and Kara, with Brainy and Nia are also there. God damn it, what is with all this pulling apart relationships and friendships on the show this season.

Kelly, while still frustrated she is working with William, in this episode it made more sense, as Nia and Kara were out doing Superhero things. I've said for ages though, William really isn't needed to simply stand over Kelly's shoulder as she does her thing. Okay, so he realised an image inducer was being used, but if Kelly was working this on her own, (with the Superfriends at The Tower), you can't tell me she wouldn't have been giving the footage the same level of detailed going over that William was. Nothing in those scenes couldn't have been done without him. Kelly is far more capable to do this. She is ex-military for gods sake.

Which leads me onto Dansen, but also Alex.

Once again we had them acknowledge that as ex-military Alex was finding it difficult to adjust. I broached this in an earlier piece I wrote when J'onn and Alex were talking about it. I would've far preferred Kelly had that conversation with her girlfriend, at home. That end scene with Dansen was great, but the dialogue with Kelly's ex-army buddy - that should've been Kelly when Alex says her actions led to it happening. That whole segment had Kelly and Alex talking written all over it. Another wasted opportunity of so many this season. It is especially galling as we've had so little meaningful Dansen content. That small change would've made a huge difference. Plus no hug? No kiss? M'gann and J'onn get one, but once again Dansen don't, and they don't even get the intimacy of a hug. It is ridiculous. And people wonder why fans have had increasing issue of the LGBTQ storylines. Or rather lack thereof.

Which brings me to my other bugbear from this season. Does Kelly know Kara is Supergirl? I mean I think she does after last weeks episode, which I've covered at the time. But that is only conjecture on what we saw, not what we know for certain. Where is Alex getting her income from? Is J'onn paying her, and if so, where is he getting the income from? Are Kelly and Alex actually living together? Because Kelly sure as hell looked comfortable in Alex's apartment, and Alex certainly looked as if Kelly not only was expected to be there, but belonged there. I know we can't get every minute detail about their lives, but these aren't small things. Plus it would only take brief dialogue to explain what the situation really is.

As for Alex becoming a vigilante. I will be honest, I've never been overly comfortable with vigilantes in shows, however they are littered throughout The Arrowverse. In fact, without them most Arrowverse shows wouldn't exist. As for the support of Kelly, that was a pleasant change. She understood the difficulties Alex faced, and offered a solution. After all, she has the Guardian shield. Whether she becomes her own version of Guardian I guess we wait and see. But since Alex needs to try and stop both Lex and Leviathan and has no other means to do it effectively, a vigilante is the most logical step. After all, isn't that what they've all been doing since Alex left the DEO? They just haven't placed a name to it until now.

Time to go onto Lex and Lena. Possible trigger warning here.

"You're a monster. But that doesn't mean I have to be one to."

First off. Jon Cryer and Katie McGrath were masterful in the scene where it all came to a head in the prison. Despite my misgivings of the overuse of Lex this season, there is no doubt this is why he is so good! His emotional range just came shining through. Just as Katie McGrath's did.

Him getting up into her face like he did, and her flinching. Here is what I tweeted about it: "Listen, I've been in an IPV relationship. I can't speak for victims of family abuse and if they grow up in the same way, but the way Lena flinched in this scene. That was me when my ex did what Lex did. That was real.

Katie McGrath's shone in tonight's episode."

Katie just completely nailed it. This is when I wish I could just stand there and tell her just how amazing that scene was. The same for Jon.

Those who have denied time and again Lena wasn't a victim of abuse, or it didn't excuse her for her actions in how Lex manipulates her, this is why we spoke about it. This is the victim of abuse. If she wasn't expecting that to escalate into a violent reaction, then that scene wouldn't have happened like it did. She was expecting the blow. That whole scene was visceral. I'm still trying to get to grips with how once again, the acting just brings through a depth so often lacking. So please spare me the excuses of she isn't a victim of abuse. That scene is canon now to the story. Between Lex last season, and this leaves no room for doubt, and if you do - you're not doing it for any other reason than to simply hate on Lena.

That last scene with Kara and Lena. Fucking finally! It's only taken 18 episodes to get there. Again I am still frustrated Kara is being so defensive against Lena, but I also do kind of understand it. She is also feeling hurt and no doubt worried. Is Lena trying to trick her again, like she had earlier in the season. Will she get her heart ripped out if Lena is presenting her with an act. Trust goes both ways, and both of them have found it difficult to reestablish it. I get that. I really do. Again though I just wish it hadn't taken until 5.18 for any kind of resolution between them to begin. Even if it had gone to the 20 episode season as planned, we couldn't get time to really get this sorted. Kara needs to let Lena explain why Lena did what she did with more than that speech. She needs to understand just how abusive the relationship is between Lex and Lena, and why to some degree Lena fell back into old habits like she did. Much like we had Lena and Andrea get that backstory, to really help show why Lena has trust issues, Kara and Lena now need to lay those cards out on the table in a similar way. No more hiding. Sadly I doubt we will get anything of that depth, and we certainly won't this season. But it is a start and that's more than I could've hoped for before the episode began.

Lastly, William getting black bagged by Eve. I wonder if her anger at Lex will make her use William as a pawn to gain revenge? Or will she let William know Lex was the one who has fed William those details, or activated him? Still a weird ass way to describe it by the way. But we will see. Honestly, William as a whole holds absolutely no interest for me. So I didn't even find myself reacting to what happened. It was ... meh.

And that's it for now. I've almost certainly forgotten something, but it was a lot to take in this episode.

Overall, I felt this episode was far better than some of what we've seen so far this season, particularly in 5b. It certainly leaves me looking forward to 5.19 with less dread than of late.