#oh god there must be an audiobook

[87dvhnk]

local woman devastated to discover that the most dangerous game is a shittily written short story only famous for its premise and not a long, exquisitely written character study of two of the most fucked up men imaginable as they fuck each other's shit alone on an island of psychological horror and grotesque homoeroticism

[cool-as-steel]

aaaaough well it gets weird in here. it gets weird in here.

[writeonwhiskey]

the skz house: ch 15 (18+)

a/n: thank you @bahablastplz for editing! i apologize for the delay. my work schedule goes back to normal next month so i'll have my head back on straight then. thank you for your patience! i hope you enjoy the chapter :)

Summary: Welcome to Sigma Kappa Zeta, the most popular fraternity on campus. When you, down on your luck and looking for a place to live, see their ad for ‘IN-HOUSE STAY’. You're one of the four girls chosen and find that your duties for the rest of the school year will be cooking, cleaning, and pleasing your assigned house members: Hyunjin & Chan.

[ read chapter fourteen here ]

Chapter Fifteen: Of Showers and Cabins

Tuesday, November 14th

You’re in the living room with Han, Felix, Hyunjin, Jeongin, Changbin and Charlotte. Han gathered you all to practice an upcoming presentation for his public speaking class. As you watch him discuss his chosen topic of Greek Mythology (accompanied by a PowerPoint on the TV behind him), you wonder when his nerves are going to set in, when he’s going to slip up or stumble over his words—he never does. None of the members interject, taunt or tease him.

Han is confident in front of them. Perhaps because of them. He has no problem being the center of attention in the house, around his friends. On his own in front of strangers must be another thing entirely, apparently.  

After he’s finished, the boys offer suggestions on things he could make clearer or that are not necessary to mention. You’ve seen how they operate together—typically silly beyond belief but at the end of the day, they’re always there for each other. Still, it surprises you how gentle they are with him, knowing he’s facing something that makes him uncomfortable.

Han thanks everyone for their time before sitting on the sectional between Changbin and Felix, and with his very next breath says how much he does not want to do this.

“If you bomb it, just remember you’ll probably never see those people again after you graduate,” Changbin tries to console him.

“Maybe not,” Han replies. “But they will have an embarrassing memory of me etched into their brain forever, if I do.”

“We could come sit in the back of the class,” Hyunjin offers. “For moral support.”

Hyunjin is laying down on the couch, legs resting on Changbin’s thighs and his head on your lap as you play with his hair. Jeongin and Charlotte are on the other side of you, cuddled together and in their own little world now.

“Please don’t do that.” Han shakes his head.

“Just relax…don’t overthink it,” Felix tells him, shrugging.

“Easy for you to say,” Han rolls his eyes. “If I, too, had a voice made for smutty audiobooks, I’d probably be giving speeches every day for fun.”

Changbin laughs, “He has a point, ‘Lix. Give us a ‘that’s my good girl’.”

Felix smiles devilishly, eyebrows raised as he leans across Han and motions with his finger for Changbin to come closer. In the deepest, most sultry tone you’ve ever heard from him he says, “That’s my fucking good girl.”

Changbin wiggles his body, as if shivers are running through him and Felix lets out a boisterous laugh.

“Just get through it,” Felix leans back and returns his attention to Han, “and next week we’ll have a nice break at the cabin.”

“Cabin?” You ask.

“Oh, shit,” Hyunjin says, looking up at you and offers a weak smile. “I forgot to tell you.”

You smack him on the head, and he flinches.

“They just decided on it a few days ago,” he attempts to defend himself.

“For Thanksgiving weekend,” Felix informs you. “It’s maybe about an hour and a half away from here. But if you’re going home to visit family that’s fine, of course.”

You hadn’t gone home for Thanksgiving since freshman year. It’s too short of a time span, with most of it spent in the airport. And God forbid there are delays.

“No, I hadn’t planned to,” you tell him.

“Good. ‘Cause I make an amazing peach cobbler,” he does the chef’s kiss motion. “You wouldn’t wanna miss it.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

You look down at Hyunjin, shaking your head in mock disappointment.

“I’m sorry?” He attempts puppy dog eyes.

“Oh, you will be. Sorry and broke.” You retort.

Thursday, November 16th

You’ve returned home from your morning class and it’s no surprise Hyunjin is still sleeping. You’re in the girls’ room doing homework and waiting for him to wake up. Rhiannon is in the den with you, click-clacking away on her keyboard. The others are either in class or out of the house.

It’s nearly 1:00pm when you receive a text from Hyunjin.

Are you not back yet?

It makes you smile—picturing him waking up in bed alone, knowing you should be back from school by now and expecting you to be there, snuggling up with him.  

I’m in the den, doing homework.

You sleep too much.

No such thing. I’m gonna hop in the shower…lunch when I’m out?

Of course. I got you.

And yes, you do. You have him. You will whip him up a lunch of his choosing, after business is handled. Now that half the members are out of the competition, you don’t think he’ll object as heavily to losing. You’ve been waiting for this day—you know his Thursday routine. He sleeps in, showers, eats, then goes to class. Now is the perfect time to take action.

“Rhi,” you call out to her, spinning around in your chairs.

“Hmm?” Is her reply, but she doesn’t take her gaze away from her computer screen.

“I’m going up now.”

She finally turns around to look at you, “You got this.” She gives you a thumbs up and a wink.

You exit the den and head upstairs. You’re not sure if this is allowed, but there was never anything said about areas of the house specifically being off limits to the girls. You’d never seen or caught any of the members in the girl’s bathroom with their assignees, though.

When you make it to the second floor, you hear music playing at the end of the hall. You tiptoe towards the bathroom and can hear the shower water running, too. You take a deep breath as you turn the doorknob, hoping that your calculations of who’s home and who’s away is correct. Since the boys also share a bathroom, you have to pray that Hyunjin is alone.

You tentatively step inside, peeking your head in first to make sure no one else is there. The coast is clear and Hyunjin is already in the shower, thankfully. Their bathroom is set up exactly like the girls—multiple sinks, showers, and separate rooms for the toilets. The glass surrounding the shower is fogged up, keeping your entrance a secret. You quietly close and lock the door behind you.

Hyunjin is obliviously singing along to the Mac Miller song blaring from the speaker. You quickly slip out of your clothes and set them in a pile on the sink before making your way to the shower door.

You grip the handle and gently pull the door open. Hyunjin is standing directly under the showerhead with his back towards you. His head is tilted back, eyes shut as the water pours over him. You have a fraction of a second to enjoy the sight because as soon as the cold air hits him he whips around, screams and holds his hands up in defense.

You immediately burst into laughter.

“Y/N,” he says, exhaling lightly when realization sets in that it’s you.

You enter the shower and close the door behind you, sealing the steam and warmth back in. He’s leaning against the wall, hand now over his chest and just completely…exposed. You don’t let the opportunity to run your eyes over his body pass.   

“Didn’t mean to startle you,” you say with a small shrug and smile.

He clicks his tongue, “Liar.”

He pushes away from the wall, standing under the water again. You step around him, positioning yourself between him and the shower wall.

“This is it, huh?” He asks, seeing the look in your eyes.

You nod in response and start to lower yourself to your knees.

“Uh-uh,” he shakes his head and grabs your waist to stop you.

He pulls you up so you’re standing and covers your mouth with his. His tongue glides over your lips and your eyes flutter shut as you relax and let him take the lead. You don’t have to worry about what comes next with him. You know he’s about to make you feel like you never existed until you met him.

“You first,” he says, breaking the kiss. 

He backs you up against the wall and gets down on his knees. You step your legs further apart to allow him better access. He slides one hand up your stomach to cup your breast, pinching your nipple and watching with a smile as you push your hips forward in an attempt to get his mouth right where you want it.

He doesn’t make you wait. He latches on to your pussy with his mouth and your hands immediately go to his head, tangling your fingers in his hair and pulling at the roots. You lean your head back against the wall and let out a sigh, feeling his tongue slide back and forth, up and down between your folds.

You hadn’t exactly been fucking your ex every single day, however since moving into the SKZ house you’d grown accustomed to some kind of regular sexual activity. You hadn’t gone more than seven days without it since being here. It’s been sixteen, and it felt like an eternity.

You turn your gaze down to Hyunjin. He’s focused on the task at hand as the water cascades down his back. With your hands still in his hair, you press him against you harder, rocking your hips against his face. He chuckles at this. His other hand slips between your legs to find your opening and pushes two fingers inside of you.

“You missed me, jagiya?” He murmurs, looking up at you with those smiling brown eyes.

“Yes,” you reply without hesitation.

“Good,” he places a kiss on your clit then returns his focus to fucking you with his fingers and playing with your breasts, your nipples.

One, maybe two, songs play out on the speaker as he continues to pleasure you. Alternating from using his fingers to his mouth, never seeming to grow tired of the work he’s putting in. You want to let him finish; you want to come standing over him like this. But you need him to fuck you.

Sure, he’s technically out of the game now due to his actions. You’ve got to see this through, though, to make sure he’s out-out. 

You release the hairs on his head and grab his wrist to stop him. You motion for him to stand, and he does, popping his fingers in his mouth to lick your juices off. He kisses you again, letting you taste yourself on his lips.

You push him away and turn around, pressing your chest against the wall and turning your head to the side. You arch your back, pushing your ass against him. He reaches up to move the shower head out of the way a bit as his other hand rubs his dick up and down your slit. He revels in the feeling for a moment, teasing you.

When his dick reaches your opening, he thrusts his hips forward and you moan at the feel of him inside of you, arching your back even more.

“Fuck,” he says, shaking his head as he holds your hips still. “I’m not sure how long—”

“It’s okay,” you reassure him. “You can make it up to me.”

That’s all he needs to hear.

He starts fucking you—pulling out, thrusting in. Gripping your hips, your breasts, hands wandering all over your body. It’s like he can’t decide what he wants to do, but it’s been so long he wants to do it all.

One hand makes its way down around your waist to stimulate your clit, rubbing circles as he continues thrusting. He leans forward and showers your back in the sweetest, softest kisses. Combined with everything else and how long it’s been, it’s enough. Your palms are flat against the shower wall, helping you push your hips back against him. You feel your legs start to shake and Hyunjin gets the hint. He doesn’t change anything he’s doing, knowing what you’re feeling right now is what will make you come.

“Fuck, fuck,” he exhales heavily as your pussy clenches around his dick. He can’t hold back any longer. He thrusts into you with reckless abandon, gripping your hips as he releases himself into you.

When he’s done, he wraps his arm under your breasts and pulls you back against him. He moves the showerhead back in place, so the warm water falls over both of you.

“Fine. I guess I’ll do the dishes for you,” he jokes, leaning down to rest his cheek against yours.

“At least you don’t have to hold back anymore,” you reply.

“That’s true. I want you in the room ready for me when I’m back from class.”

You turn your head to look at him—he’s smiling.

He had never demanded such a thing before. Not that it’s much of a demand…more of a request. Close enough for Hyunjin.  

Thanksgiving Weekend

Thursday, November 23rd

The house is just as chaotic as you imagined it would be this morning. Twelve people up before the crack of dawn loading cars with food and luggage while still half asleep. Chan instructs you and the other girls to leave first in the car with all the food to get started on the meal. He plugs in the address on the GPS and then you’re off.

The roads are relatively empty, so the drive takes just about an hour and a half. The last fifteen minutes are spent off the main road, driving slowly up a rocky path surrounded by trees.

“Now that’s a cabin,” Rhiannon says as you park the car.

It looks like a log cabin in that the exterior and pillars are all made of wood, except the top portion of the home is triangular with wooden awnings on the sides that cover the wraparound porch on the second level. There are several large windows with no coverings—probably a good thing the location is remote, so no one has to worry about neighbors looking in. In the front yard is a patio table and fire pit surrounded by chairs.

You all exit the car and start lugging the food to the front door. You enter the code on the keypad Chan had texted you and it unlocks.

The interior holds up the log cabin feel with a wide, open floor plan, but all the furniture and appliances make it feel modern. You all momentarily abandon the food at the door to explore the inside. There are four bedrooms, one downstairs and three on the second level, the third level has a loft with a computer desk and ping pong table.

You wonder if this is a rental property or if the SKZ fraternity owns it. You wouldn’t be shocked by the latter, but it’s none of your business.

After touring the cabin, the four of you get back to business and haul the food inside to start prepping the meal. The menu is a mix of traditional American and Korean food for the holiday.

When the boys arrive an hour later, they’ve stopped for a few essentials—mainly alcohol. They unload all the luggage then crowd in the kitchen and start debating over who will sleep where.

“Room Roulette?” Han suggests.

“Assignees and their members?” Jeongin says, winking at Charlotte.

“You’re already out—of course you want that,” Lee Know rebuffs while vigorously working on stuffing the turkey.

“Don’t think you can resist?” Allie asks, to which he rolls his eyes.

She still hasn’t been able to get him to break, but she’s been persistent.

“Ladies choice?” Hyunjin offers as he comes up behind you, standing at the stove, and wraps his hands around your waist.

You nudge him away playfully with your shoulder, but he stays put a moment longer, kissing the back of your neck.

“Does it really matter?” Changbin speaks up. “Everyone will just fall asleep wherever anyways.”

They continue back and forth until they’ve all had enough and just stare at Chan to make a decision.

He points to Jeongin, Han and Hyunjin, “Kai bai bo.”

The three of them stand on separate sides of the island and begin playing rock, paper, scissors. Han is out first. Before Hyunjin and Jeongin start, Jeongin has Charlotte kiss his hands for luck. It must work, because Hyunjin loses.  

Jeongin grins, heart melting dimples on display, and gives a satisfied nod.

“That’s settled then—assignees and their members,” Chan announces.

You’re still focused on the food you’re cooking, but you want so badly to turn and look at Chan to see his expression. Sharing a room with him and Hyunjin? Is he happy with the result?

The rest of the afternoon is spent with everyone helping make something. When it’s finally time for dinner, you sit between Hyunjin and Chan. You’re thankful to be here with all of them. You think back to what Chan said on your first day at the house—that you’d gain a sense of community, and you really have.

The room assignment winds up being a nonfactor. Everyone is so full and damn near comatose that, true to Changbin’s words, they fall asleep wherever they land. You wake up on the couch in the living room and make your way back to the room, but neither Hyunjin nor Chan are there. 

The next day, everyone kind of does their own thing. You go hiking with Hyunjin and a few others while everyone else stays at the house. That night, after dinner, everyone is gathered in the living room drinking and playing games. Or at least you thought everyone was. Looking around the room, you don’t see Chan.

He was here earlier, you’re certain. Where had he gone off to?

It’s closing in on the end of the month and Chan and Lee Know are the only ones that have not yet lost the competition. The others are preoccupied with their game, so you decide to go find him. Time is running out for the month, you’re extremely aware of that. And you have a little bit of liquid courage on your side now.

You take another shot of the strawberry flavored soju before getting up from the couch. He’s not in the kitchen, dining room, or the porch. You make your way up to the room you’ve been assigned on the second floor.

There he is.

He’s laying on the bed on his stomach, scrolling through his phone when you walk in. At the sound, he promptly turns around and sits up.

“Are you bored of us?”

“Nah,” he says lightly. “Just don’t wanna get too drunk again.”

Meaning he doesn’t want to lose control of himself or say anything he might regret again, you assume.

“Would you mind some company?”

You sit next to him on the bed, draping one leg over his and looking up at him with a lazy, tipsy smile.

“PG company?” He chuckles lightly, placing his hand on your leg.

“PG-13, maybe?” You counter, sliding his hand up towards your thigh.

The feel of his fingertips gliding across your skin sends an achy feeling to your core. You want to him to press his fingers against your clit to release the ache.

He smiles back at you and hooks a finger under your chin to pull your face closer to his. Since that day in the closet, he had at least been more open to semi-steamy make out sessions but always pulled away before you could go too far.

You close the distance between you, locking your lips with his as you swing your other leg across him to straddle him. He allows it. You wrap your arms around his neck as you deepen the kiss, sliding your tongue past his lips. You can taste the alcohol on him, too, but it’s faint. Maybe you should have brought some in here. It still counts even if he’s drunk, right?

In any other context, that sounds terrible.  

You start to rock your hips against him, moaning when you feel his cock hardening through his sweatpants. His hands suddenly grip your hips to hold you in place.

“Chan, please,” you whisper. You kiss along his cheek, down to his neck, lightly nipping with your teeth. “I miss you fucking me.”

“No,” he says, but it sounds half-assed, not even half of the conviction you know he can muster. He shakes his head but his cock pressing against your thighs say otherwise. You grind against it again.

“It’s just a stupid competition,” you attempt your best pouty face. You’ve never known these antics to work with him, but you’re pulling at straws now.

“It’s more than that for me,” he replies softly.

“You have to win?”

“I have to resist.”

You furrow your brow.

“Please?” You slip your hand between your legs and squeeze his cock.

He sucks in a breath and in one swift motion, moves you off him and stands up. Before you can even get another word out, he’s walking towards the door, shutting it not so quietly behind him.

You sigh, running your hand through your hair. Perhaps you shouldn’t have pushed so much, so fast. You have six days left to get to him and right now, it feels like an impossible task. You knew he could hold back, but his words made it seem like it’s more than that. Resisting? Resisting what? You?

You sit for a while, wondering if he’ll come back and why this seems like such a big deal to him. After a few minutes you stand in defeat and walk to the door. As you reach for the knob, the door swings open again, startling you.

Chan is there, ushering a confused Hyunjin into the room.

“Are you okay?” Hyunjin asks you, sounding concerned.

“Yeah? I’m fine.”

Hyunjin turns back to look at Chan with a confused look on his face.

Chan shrugs, his eyes move from you back to Hyunjin, “Y/N needs you.”

There’s something about his tone of voice that you can’t quite pin down. He sounds…dejected almost.

You try to make sense of Chan’s thought process. You plead with him to fuck you and he won’t…so he gets the next best thing in his mind? He knows you’re turned on, that you need him, but he can’t—won’t—give in. So he brings the only other person that can satisfy you right now. Why does it feel like a slap in the face, though? With his tone and the look on his face it’s as if he’s saying, you wanna be fucked so bad? Here’s Hyunjin.

Hyunjin turns back to you and smiles lazily. He reaches for your waist, pulls you to him and kisses you. You’re still surprised by what is playing out, eyes open, looking at Chan with Hyunjin’s lips on yours. Chan breaks eye contact and turns his head as he leaves the room, closing the door behind him.

You shut your eyes and try your best to shake the thoughts of Chan and focus on Hyunjin. It doesn’t take much trying on your part, truthfully. You could lose yourself in trying to solve the puzzle that is Chan. The only solace from the madness he conjures up inside of you is the man still standing in front of you. The one who hasn’t left.

“How can I be of service?” Hyunjin asks, nuzzling at your neck.

You can’t help but smile at his words, his actions. He’s always ready to please you and it’s never been complicated.

Sunday, November 26th

Chan did not come back to the room that night. He didn’t sleep in the room with you and Hyunjin the entire weekend, as a matter of fact. His behavior with you throughout the day was the same as usual, though. It didn’t appear that he was upset. He even joked around with you and offered a seat on his lap when all the other chairs on the patio were taken. He’s really acting like he has something to prove by abstaining this month, and you really wish you knew what it was.

Maybe you’re thinking too deeply about it…but how can you not? You also don’t want to ruin the growth you’ve made with him, so you don’t bring it up. You do, however, have a plan to hopefully end this silly competition once and for all. To see if you can push him over the edge.

After you arrive home in the afternoon, Chan leaves with some of the other members to run an errand and you know that this is your moment. Hyunjin is somewhat surprised when you tell him you’ll be staying with Chan for the night. He doesn’t question it, just kisses your forehead and says he’ll see you tomorrow.

You shower and take the items you’ll need to Chan’s room and set up as quickly as possible. You’re not sure what time he will be back, so you have no choice but to sit and wait once you’re in place.

You can feel your heart pumping in your ears. A million thoughts are racing through your mind, trying to understand how you got here. Hoping Chan has the reaction you want. You want to win the competition, sure, who wouldn’t in this situation? But you’re also eager to please Chan in a way you’ve never tried before. To give him complete control of you.  

You’re excited. You’re nervous. You’re so out of your element.

You shift around in his bed, really wanting to check the time on your phone but unable to. Your hands are linked together with the furry black handcuffs you got from the mall, looped through a space in his headboard. You have waited all month for this. To catch him off guard, with a sight that is hopefully so shocking he will not be able to resist.

Though you tried to seduce him at other times throughout the month, you still had this wildcard up your sleeve in case none of your attempts worked. Which they hadn’t. So here you are, lying in his bed in skimpy black lingerie. It’s a one piece, lace body suit that’s cut out around the breasts so they’re on full display. The area between your legs is exposed, so you keep your legs bent, knees pressed together. The ensemble is accompanied by black, knee-high stockings and a garter belt.

You could hardly believe the sight looking at your own reflection. You just have to hope it’s enough. And fucking pray no one randomly decides to come in Chan’s room since you had no choice but to leave the door unlocked. You’d be fucking mortified.

Another few more minutes pass and you hear car doors closing in the driveway. Your heartbeat picks up again, fraught with anticipation.

It feels like a lifetime passes before you hear footsteps outside the door. Chan’s laughing at something someone said as he approaches. At least he’s in a good mood, maybe this will work. You sit up as straight as you can with your hands hanging above you.

You hold your breath as the doorknob turns while simultaneously trying to figure out what to do with your face. A cute look? A look of innocence? Seduction? You bite your bottom lip between your teeth, attempting to hide your inner panic and that’s the look you’re stuck with as he enters.

His eyes land on you—exposed and cuffed to his bed—his laugh abruptly stops. His smile falters.

He exhales a loud sigh, drops his head back and stares at the ceiling. You’re chewing on the inside of your lip now as your nerves take over. This was not the reaction you had anticipated. Is he angry?  Frustrated? Put off?

Maybe you shouldn’t have welcomed yourself into his bed. It’s not like you had an open invitation after the night he allowed you to sleep here with him. That hadn’t happened again since, and he hadn’t even mentioned it.

“Chan,” a timid voice says. It’s yours, but you hardly recognize it.

He straightens his head and looks at you again, eyes moving from your head, down to your stocking covered toes. He lets out another loud sigh and runs his hand through his hair. He shakes his head, blinking incredulously as he steps back and retreats from the room.

When the door closes, your heart sinks.

[ read chapter sixteen here ]

[ picture book for photos of the cabin and lingerie ]

a/n: please don't kill me. this one had to end on a cliffhanger. like, comment, reblog to show your support <3 what do we think, is chan coming back? or is he gonna win this thing?

taglist: @iflmho / @stayatinykatsy / @blackhairandbangs / @ayoitschannie / @idunnomanmynamewastaken / @charmer-c / @ihatemen55 / @channiesprincess / @channniesslefttt / @jiwoos-babygirl / @krayzieestay / @kayleefriedchicken / @sunnyhonie / @cotton-candycloudz / @lubsungie / @conwunder / @puckmaidens / @ashleighland / @hyunjiinnnn / @bmnyy / @ihrtlix / @maqqiekwon / @hynxnelly / @teti-menchon0604 / @you-make-skz-stay / @zandra-42 / @seungminindabuilding / @slytherinatheart / @loveuwoo / @hyunjinhoexxx / @chartrucewhore / @torothecatt / @fun-fanfics / @yaorzu-blog / @yjeonginlvr / @huneyeon / @kpop-kink / @tenshimara / @a-person-with-void / @ilovetheworldilivein / @dhillomilo / @skzfelixlove / @luvvvash / @blondechannie / @sailor--sun / @stephanieeeyang / @msauthor / @grlcbrd / @okkkcausewhet / @bangtancultsposts / @wannareadstories / @jenniferlr / @shroomcapp / @lyracarvahall / @palindrome969 / @grandma143

[bomberqueen17]

Liveblogging the Aubreyad: Post Captain Part Two

More book, less background, all spoilers.

I will here put in a plug for listening to the Simon Vance audiobooks of this series on 1.25x speed, can't recommend highly enough. Except his foreign accents are terrible, I won't lie about that. Anyhow. Get a library card and check these out if you would rather not read my summaries, which despite their thoroughness are not entire. The books are a challenging read but I did manage it at 12 but I did that through the power of being a socially isolated undiagnosed neurodivergent child so I don't necessarily recommend that either.

A NEE HOO, the book:

In part 1 we got female characters (sweet innocent Sophia? or her worldly, dashing cousin Diana?), sweet bachelor pad, social lives, horse farts, and *jazz hands* financial ruinnnnnn, and our intrepid heroes have fled to France where a Frenchman ruined Jack's composure by kissing him. But now, war has broken out, and they must flee without being arrested, which will be very difficult because Jack is approximately the most ostentatiously English person ever to have existed on this planet, in this universe.

And so now we pay off on my earlier bullet-point about Jack's fursona.

I had genuinely forgotten about this when I first relistened to the books. I listened to this long expounded-upon scenario, where a convoy of English prisoners of the French is resting and there's a man with a tame bear passing by and the prisoners, especially a sea officer trying to impress a lady in company with him, want him to make the bear dance even though it is hot and the bear is obviously tired, and the gendarmes finally come over and insist that the bear must dance to prove it really is a tame bear, and I was just expecting this to be some background descriptive passage included in the book for the atmosphere as so many are until, as they are finally left alone and the bear-leader is sitting counting up the coins people tossed at them, unaccountably reciting them to the bear as if the bear is going to care, the bear out of nowhere answers him.

“When one sea-officer is to be roasted, there is always another at hand to turn the spit,' said the bear. 'It is an old service proverb. I hope to God I have that fornicating young sod under my command one day. i'll make him dance a hornpipe - oh, such a hornpipe. Stephen, prop my jaws open a little more, will you? I think I shall die in five minutes if you don't. Could we not creep into a field and take it off?' 'No,' said Stephen. 'But I shall lead you to an inn as soon as the market has cleared, and lodge you in a cool damp cellar for the afternoon. I will also get you a collar, to enable you to breathe. We must reach Couiza by dawn.'

Stephen for his own inscrutable reasons names the bear Flora and tells everyone it is a female bear whose female troubles make it bad at dancing. Meanwhile Jack is being slowly murdered by the suit, his bare bloody feet glued to the costume's paws, insects eating him, never able to eat or drink enough, always overheated. By the time they make it to the Spanish border, Jack is nearly dead. It's a good character study: he is still thinking tactically at some times, still has the capacity to wonder whether Stephen might yet betray him, to notice that he has heretofore in their acquaintance underestimated Stephen severely, but his innate and natural response to this kind of hopeless privation and suffering is to simply submit to it and endure, doing whatever Stephen tells him to, understanding that there is no useful resistance he can make; he resents Stephen but also recognizes that Stephen too is suffering, this is simply what must be done and he must endure it, beyond any concept of limits. As they finally reach Spain he sits on a rock and dreamily tells Stephen he is glad Stephen seems so happy, and just sort of echoes whatever Stephen says, clearly well beyond comprehending what's going on anymore. (He does revive once the bear suit comes off.)

He spends some time very ill in Stephen's house just across the border. Stephen owns a castle there, though it's mostly in ruins. Once Jack can move, they make their way, this time both as humans, down to Gibraltar, and book passage home in an Indiaman* that has happened to put in there for repairs.

[* for the record the word Indiaman refers to a merchant ship plying the rich trade route to India, and would have female pronouns, like any ship. Actual human Indian men, if sailors or soldiers, are referred to as Lascars, with normal human pronouns as applicable, and as far as I can tell this is just a neutral descriptor and even though racial attitudes of the time were what they were, was not ever particularly used as a slur. Now You Know. Listen I'm trying to look things up as I go, since there's Period-Typical-Everything in here, but I might miss some, do be advised; I don't intend to condone any anythings in any of this nor do I wish to carelessly use loaded terms but it can be difficult to suss out what's what in the modern context.]

Aboard that Indiaman is another of my earlier bullet points: yes it's TOM PULLINGS. Jack recognizes him by his huge grin from across the ship, he's so delighted to see them, human sunbeam that he is.

Never confirmed as a lieutenant after the acting commission Jack had given him in the Sophie, quite without any political influence or hope of help in that quarter (though Jack had written letters of introduction for him to every single captain he knew who he thought might have a spot for him), TOM PULLINGS has given up on the Navy and taken a job with the East India Company, which pays better but is entirely without glory or hope of promotion.

“Why, sir, I could not get a ship and they would not confirm me in my rank. No white lapels for you, Pullings, old cock, they said. We got too many coves like you, by half." ''What a damned shame," cried Jack, who had seen Pullings in action and who knew that the Navy did not and indeed could not possibly have too many coves like him.

Another fun bit of fuzzy timekeeping which I should tally somewhere here is that while we know Jack and Stephen's adventure in France was of some considerable duration, every so often for the next few books Pullings will point out yet another Indiaman and say delightedly "I made two voyages in her", and I should start a running tally of How Many Indiamen Has Tom Pullings Been In somewhere because each voyage is a minimum of six months, and we have seen Pullings earlier in this book, he attended the St Vincent Battle Ball in February of-- whatever year that was. (Side note: Mowett mentions having served previously in the Namur, which was at the Battle of St Vincent, and it was only three years before, so it's perfectly possible he was there, but it's never brought up. Thinks to think upon!)

(I am sure some fan at some point has already done this work. But all the discussion boards are from 2003ish and it is hard to search them. Better than modern fandoms, where it all vanishes into private Discords, but it is... sort of sad, to look through the moribund message boards and remember being in spaces like that and how great they were. RIP to the golden days of the Internet.)

I've already explained how promotion works, so I don't need to elaborate on how very slim Pullings's career prospects are. He shows Jack all around his ship, and Jack tries very hard to be polite, but merchantmen, after the Navy, are a sort of sorry, squalid state of things, and there's not a lot to be polite about. Pullings clearly does the best he can but he has only a thin crew, a poor-sailing sluggish fat ship, and a timid captain to work with. What's worse, many of the crew are Lascars-- fine seamen, but they seem poorly; the initial assumption that they are simply not used to the cold proves wrong, it turns out that they're all succumbing to the flu, which is affecting the Europeans too but is hitting the Lascars that much harder. So the ship is now critically short-handed, with many of the crew incapacitated by the flu.

And then a French privateer heaves into sight, the Bellone. The captain doesn't know what to do and is terrified. Pullings beats the ship approximately into shape by sheer dint of competence and strong feeling, but there's not a lot of hope, he quite simply has very little to work with. Jack steps up and volunteers to take charge of one of the divisions of guns. It is so long since they have been used that he has to fire one to blow the port lid off, it having been painted into place long ago.

A brisk action ensues, but the Indiaman, despite all the heroics Jack and Pullings can manage, is overwhelmed and taken. Jack and Pullings are both moderately-to-severely injured in the fight, Jack left briefly in a coma after falling down a hatchway and Pullings being both shot and stabbed. The French steal everything aboard the ship including the passengers' personal property and Stephen's surgical implements that he was in the middle of using, impose a heavy prize-crew, and undertake to sail the Indiaman to a Spanish harbor. Jack will certainly spend the war a French prisoner, with no hope of getting home, getting a command, advancing his career, staying relevant.

But then an English brig, recognized as the Seagull by Pullings because his uncle used to be the sailing master in her, shows up and fights the French prize-crew to a standstill. Our heroes spend the action locked up below, but the French captain lets them out when the action grinds to a pause, the Seagull heavily damaged trying to repair itself enough to continue. Things look bad; the Frenchman is annoyed and might just sink the Seagull out of spite, but then a squadron of homeward-bound Royal Navy ships of the line round the headland-- the HMS Colossus, a 74, the Tonnant of eighty guns, more behind them-- and Jack puts his hand down over the touch-hole of the gun the Frenchman was about to fire at the Seagull and coldly tells him he must surrender to the brig.

Which he does.

So now Jack is home to England, and back in the running to get himself a ship so he can participate in this war and stay alive in his career-- but where he also is still at constant risk of being arrested for debt.

The new First Lord of the Admiralty is Lord Melville, whose family name is Dundas-- the older brother, in fact, of Heneage Dundas, who was a midshipman and then a lieutenant alongside Jack, one of his best friends. Melville thinks his younger brother is a bit of an idiot, but has some small fondness for Jack anyway. So there's hope. But Jack is arriving so late that all the best posts have already been snapped up. Melville promises to do his best to find him something, but tells him not to hold out much hope of something actually good. Jack does explain his specific problem, however-- the debt thing-- and Melville is understanding of it at least.

Jack has taken lodgings in a tiny shack outside of town with Stephen, giving rise to this charming description, please to look out for a particularly excellent 19th-century word usage:

At present they were lodging in an idyllic cottage near the heath with green shutters and a honeysuckle over the door - idyllic in summer, that is to say. They were looking after themselves, living with rigid economy; and there was no greater proof of their friendship than the way their harmony withstood their very grave differences in domestic behaviour. In Jack's opinion Stephen was little better than a slut: his papers, odd bits of dry, garlic'd bread, his razors and small-clothes lay on and about his private table in a miserable squalor; and from the appearance of the grizzled wig that was now acting as a tea-cosy for his milk-saucepan, it was clear that he had breakfasted on marmalade.

Stephen you slut indeed.

They go to a party-- a risky proposition, with Jack a wanted man, but Everyone who is Everyone will be there, and he quite simply needs to remind his various powerful acquaintances that he is here and in need. So they go. Diana is there, and also a well-connected, very wealthy merchant named Canning. Canning's merchant ships are very much preyed-upon by privateers-- especially the Bellone-- and he has been commissioning privateers of his own to defend them. He very politely, indirectly goes as far as is decent toward offering Jack the command of the latest of these, which is to be very large and powerful indeed. It is deeply, deeply tempting, and Jack considers it at length, but his ambition above all else lies with the Navy, and Lord Melville is also at the party and tells him he should come the very next day to a meeting, Melville thinks he might have something for him.

Diana also offers to Jack that he might come see her the next day. He points out, sensibly, that he is at risk of arrest, and so it would be deeply irresponsible of him to go jaunting about the city. She scorns him for this, saying he is being a coward to even consider such things as his own personal ruin. She quite openly only wants him if he's willing to ruin himself for her.

Jack goes out for a walk late that night, out in a deserted area, to think. A man tries to mug him and his immediate reflex, honed by kind of a lot of hand-to-hand combat experience, is to just absolutely beat the shit out of the guy in about two blows. He lays him out cold and then, standing over the body, realizes he can't leave the man lying here as it's coming on to freeze and the fellow will die of exposure. So, cursing how complicated everything always has to be on land, he carries the man home, as you do, and ties him to a chair, and promptly falls asleep in the other chair waiting for Stephen, who went to visit other friends after the party.

(Several times in the series it is made plain that Jack has been at sea since he was an actual child, and his understanding of how laws work by land is very extremely fuzzy at best; his education in general is shockingly lacking. He knows the Articles of War cold, could recite them back to front, can cite them by number unfailingly, but only has a vague notion of any other kind of law, and no idea at all how the land-based justice system actually works. And how could he?)

Stephen comes home near dawn to find them thus, Jack asleep in one chair, and the would-be mugger wide awake, terrified, and extremely-competently tied to their only other chair.

The would-be mugger is an excellent plot device: he succinctly and intelligently explains to Stephen and the reader exactly how English debt law works, he himself being extremely experienced in it. (Stephen is gently spooning food into the man's mouth even as he is still tied to the chair, he having admitted he only took up trying to mug people because he had not eaten in several days.) Jack also forces the man to eat some of Jack's own breakfast, under peril of being headed up in a cask and tossed overboard, which makes plain to everyone involved a) how serious he is and b) where he's more normally accustomed to being.

Jack makes his way to the meeting with Melville, who finally offers him a ship. It is not a good ship. Melville actually feels guilty to even offer it. It is called HMS Polychrest, it is a misguided experiment gone wrong, built by a corrupt dockyard to the specifications of an ill-informed landlubber with ideas. But, it has cannons and it technically floats, so Jack takes it.

He's aware that Melville feels like shit about it, though, so he figures he has one, and only one, big concession he can ask for. And he shoots that shot on one, very dear, very precious thing that he very badly wants:

TOM PULLINGS, to be made lieutenant at last, and to serve with him in this misbegotten floating disaster.

I will break off again here because this is too long. Stay tuned for PART THREE, in which I promise I'll tell you how Barret Bonden punches out a cop.

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

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123 for 🧟:

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Buck feels relieved. She didn’t travel all this way not to have a support system in him. 

“Hershey didn’t get the worst of the outbreaks,” Maddie says. “Roads closed from Harriburg, and… Well, it was stemmed.”

Buck remembers that, from the early days. Before the internet went out. He’d tried to reach out. Even to his parents. 

“But everyone went into lockdown mode,” Maddie says. “At first I thought that would exclude me, being in healthcare. I thought I was needed more than ever.”

“Weren’t you?” Buck asks. 

“Oh, I think probably.” Maddie admits. “But Doug came home one day with new guns and told me neither of us was leaving the house again. Not without his say so.”

“What the fuck?” 

“I think he was happy, honestly. Society had gone to hell, and he didn’t have to be careful anymore.” Her eyes tear up a little. “He could do whatever he wanted.”

Buck’s blood goes cold. He knew Doug didn’t treat her right. Didn’t treat her well at all. But what she’s implying? If he had known… Oh god. He would have never left her. 

“Maddie…”

“Don’t say sorry,” she says firmly. “I worked hard to make sure you didn’t know, okay? It’s why… It’s why we lost contact.”

Buck’s head hangs a little. “I would have helped you.”

“I know. That’s why. He would have killed you.”

Buck sighs. “So what happened?”

“He got sick,” Maddie says. “Went out on a supply run one afternoon, came back sick. Infected.”

“Shit.” Buck hisses.

“So I shot him.” Maddie says, very quietly. 

“My god, Maddie.” Buck exhales. “I’m so sorry. That must have been awful.”

“It was,” she agrees. “But I wasn’t going to die there. Become infected or wait for him to fully turn and… Eat me.”

“I’m so glad you didn’t,” Buck replies. “I’m so glad you survived.”

“Me too,” she says, inhaling a little. Like she’s convincing herself. 

“Can I ask what happened to Mom and Dad?” Buck asks. 

They’re obviously not close. Never were. He hasn’t worried for them, the same way he’s worried for Maddie. But it’s not like he wishes them harm. Though, harm has come for most people anyway. 

Maddie shakes her head a little.

“I don’t know entirely,” she admits. “By the time I left and was able to check on them, the house was abandoned. No trace of them. No remains.”

Buck bites the inside of his cheek. So it will always be a question, then. 

“Sorry,” Maddie says. 

Buck shakes his head. “No, that’s… I mean, everyone has people like that, right?”

She nods. “I’m glad you’re not one of them, now.”

Buck throat feels tight. “Same with you.”

▪️▪️▪️

Buck starts his shift on cams after Maddie is asleep. He’s on from eight until two in the morning, when Bobby will switch with him. 

It sounds painfully boring, but Buck doesn’t hate cam shifts. He did at first. The stillness was grating. Drove him crazy. He learned to entertain himself, over the past months. He can’t read, really. He could miss something. But he can listen to music or audiobook CDs. Not just CDs, either. Karen’s iPhone is still in good shape, and it had dozens of audiobooks, podcasts, and music downloaded onto it. She leaves it in the cams room with a charger for whoever is on shift. So there is a lot for Buck to do to occupy his mind. Even if some of the podcast episodes and audiobooks start to get repetitive on the second or third listen. 

Tonight, he’s listening to a nonfiction selection of Karen’s. Something academic and a bit smarter than Buck. But the only way he learns is by challenging himself, so he’s trying to focus. It’s nearing ten o’clock. Most everyone has gone to bed. It’s been a long, tiring day. Full of activity. 

All this to say, Buck is surprised when he sees someone pop up on the security camera. Not just someone. Eddie. He’s walking, purpose in his step, down the hallway connecting to the front foyer, right out the big glass entryway doors. Oh. Well, that’s stupid. The doors lock from the outside. Bobby locks them before he goes to bed. Buck will have to leave his post to let him back in, which is annoying. 

He’s about to do as much, making the short walk to bang on the glass and let Eddie know, when what he sees on the screen stops him short. Eddie walks to the side of the building, leans against a brick wall, and starts to cry. 

Oh.

Well, this is very awkward. 

And, hey, there’s nothing wrong with crying. Buck has cried twice today. One over the radio, once over his sister returning. No shame in it. It’s just that, Buck has all the off-cam good crying spots down. Including his private room. This poor guy doesn’t realize Buck can see him. 

He shouldn’t watch. Surely no zombies or other forms of villain will come in the next… Well, how long does it take to cry? Buck doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything about this guy. Other than that he saved Maddie. Really, the polite thing to do would be to turn away and give him a minute. He’s going to. Definitely. 

Except, he finds he can’t look away. 

Something in his heart cracks, watching this guy. He’d seemed friendly and collected earlier. Steady. Not like someone hours away from weeping. Maybe that’s just a front. Maybe he wants to seem tough in front of his kid. Buck thinks he could understand that, despite not being a parent. 

The crying lasts less than ten minutes. Buck watches Eddie straighten himself up, rub his eyes, and turn back towards the entrance. Which is still locked. Shoot. Buck bounces to his feet, leaves the cam room, and jogs down the hallway towards the entrance. By the time he reaches the door, Eddie is trying the handle to no avail, a panicked expression on his face. 

Buck reaches forward and opens the door. 

“Sorry, man,” he says. “It locks from the inside. Safety.”

“No, right,” Eddie nods. “That makes sense. Thanks for letting me in.”

“Don’t mention it,” Buck shrugs. Really. He literally saved Maddie’s life. Buck opened the damn door. Not the same level of effort.

“How did you know I was here?” Eddie asks.

Buck’s cheeks go a little red. “Uh…”

[lostfirefly]

Life Must Have It's Mysteries (Ch.12, The Epilogue)

I promise this is the last chapter of this story, but not the last story about Buggy and Catherine :) I can finally close all the tabs and audiobooks about Egyptian gods! Hah!

English is not my native language, errors may occur. As always, feel free to share your thoughts :) Masterlist is here.

Description: Our heroes came back home!

Warnings: Fun, fluff, inappropriate jokes, swearing (as always). Shitty shit again:).

Words: 2853

Taglist: @gingernut1314 (thank you for your idea!), @operationroots, @hey-august, @rorywritesjunk, @yujo-nishimura (I hope you still like it!)

The title is taken from “Life Must Have It's Mysteries” by Hans Zimmer (OST Inferno).

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Buggy walked out of the bedroom into the living room, swaying and holding his head. No one was in the room, but he heard sounds coming from the kitchen. Shuffling his feet, he went to the sound and carefully opened the door. He leaned against the doorway, crossed his arms and watched Catherine rummage through the kitchen cabinets, humming, and danced slightly, glancing occasionally at the frying pan. He can't stop smiling while listening to one of the variations of his favorite song. 

“Milk, some eggs, a little flour,

Making breakfast for my clown.

Pancake one, pancake two, I'm cooking them for you.

Pancake three, pancake four, with every day I love you more.” 

“Fuck! Gotta admit, koalas look pretty damn good on your legs, cotton candy!” He plopped down on a chair. “Morning!” 

“Shit! You freaked me out!” Catherine carefully flipped a pancake with a spatula and smiled broadly. “Morning, my blue-haired love!” She immediately poured him a glass of water and pulled out a painkiller. “Here you go, after your binge in the bar last night, you need it more than me. How’s your head?” 

“If you lower your voice a tone and a half, it will be better.” He rested his head on the table. “You stole my t-shirt again.” 

“I like wearing your t-shirts, deal with it, clown.” Catherine ran up to Buggy, put the glass on the table and kissed him on the head. “Here, this is some extra medicine for you.” 

“No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! Did not work. I need more help.” Buggy raised his head and extended his hand to her back.

“Liar!” Smack. “Stop grabbing my ass, jerk!” She slapped his hands. “Drink you water.” 

“Fine!” He exhaled sadly and took a sip. “Fuck! That’s what I need. You're my best!”

“You told me this yesterday when I dragged you home.” Catherine kissed his temple and went to pour him coffee. “You almost tore the bar apart last night. I'm surprised we weren't thrown out when you and Cabaji were completely drunk.”

“Oh, I’ll find out if he left with that pretty waitress yesterday.” He took another sip of water.

“He almost went home with you, Buggy! I understand he's your friend and I like Cabaji,  but sorry I don't want and don’t like experiments.” Catherine put the mug on the table and stroked his loose hair, trying not to laugh at his blank look. “Don’t you remember? Oh, I’ll tell you a funny story. I walked away literally for a minute, and when I was returning to you, I saw how drunk Cabaji grab you by the neck and was about to kiss you in your mouth. Don’t look at me like that. I don’t joke about such things. You were so, so close, my love!” She was actively gesticulating and started laughing, looking at his shocked face. “So! I rushed to stop this madness, at this moment the waitress approached you with your drinks, and I had to push Cabaji to her. And while he started passionately kissing the waitress, you climbed over the bar counter to get me the biggest bottle of wine. And when you climbed back up, you fell, almost broke the bottle, and then yelled all over the bar that I was the love of your life.” 

“And what about Cabaji?” Buggy looked at Catherine, stroking her back. 

“And your beloved friend continued to kiss the waitress. It seems to me that he didn’t understand what happened at all. I love you, but I'm sorry, I wouldn't want to kiss you after him.” 

“But it was fun, right?!” He took a sip of coffee with a proud look. “I'm surprised, by the way, that you got out of bed and walked on your own feet to the kitchen. If you know what I mean. That night was amazing. Fuck! I still hear your voice moaning my name loudly, feel the warmth of your hands and your hot kisses. Your legs don't hurt?” Buggy chuckled and sipped his coffee. “Shit, my head.” 

“First, you're disgusting, you know that?” Catherine came up behind him, stood on tiptoes and kissed him on the top of his head. “Can you think about anything else sometimes? Not just about sex, my ass or naked body? Second, It was hard to get out of your arms, my Buggy the Octopus, but I did it. You snored like a chainsaw, and you practically pressed me into the bed with your body. I had to push you away with my feet. But I thought you might be hun~. W-w-why are you staring at me?” 

“Right now, I'm thinking about your cool ass and envying koalas.” He sent his hand to the refrigerator for a beer.

“Oh, god!” Catherine rolled his eyes and pulled out a plate. “No beer, Buggy! Put it back in its place. You drank enough yesterday. You’ll drink later.” She glared at him, Buggy sighed heavily, set the bottle back down and reattached his hand. “Good boy! Hungry?”

“I'm always hungry, and I don't just mean food.” Buggy giggled idiotically. 

“Fuck you honestly!” Catherine came closer, lightly hit him on the head and smacked the top of his head. “How many pancakes do you want me to put on it?” 

“The more, the better, cotton candy.” He sent his hand to pour coffee for her. 

“God, you're just some bottomless black hole, Buggy the Clown!” Catherine put ten blue pancakes on his plate, poured maple syrup and sat down next to him. “See? Today's pancakes are the color of your beautiful hair.” 

Catherine ran her hand through his loose hair. Buggy’s hand brought her a cup of coffee and a plate. She watched him happily munch on the pancakes, sipping noisily on his coffee, and started stroking his hair. “Tasty?”

“Since the first time you cooked them for me, it tastes better and better every time!” He said with his mouth full and smacked her on her lips.

“Buggy! What are you doing? Your mouth is covered in butter and syrup.” She shrieked, grabbed a towel and wiped his lips. “Chew, wipe, and only then you can kiss me. I taught you this. Geez!” 

Catherine wiped her face, took one pancake from his plate and squinted her eyes. “So, when you go to that man's place, can I come with you?”

“I don't know, cotton candy.” Buggy stuck his fork into the pancakes. “Depends on how you act.”

Catherine sipped her coffee and sat on his lap, facing him and wrapping her legs around him. He threw down the fork and immediately hugged her around the waist.

“So am I being good enough, Buggy-sama?” She whispered in his ear.

“Fuck, I told you a million times, don't call me that!” Buggy clucked his tongue and pressed his torso against her stomach. “Have to admit I already like this morning, cotton candy!” 

“Yeah?” Catherine tilted her head and brushed her lips over his. 

“Oh, yeah!” Buggy slowly began to lower his hand to her leg. “I wish I could take your shirt off right now. You know, we need to introduce naked breakfasts. I don't know about you, but I love seeing you na~.”

“Shush, clown!!” Catherine covered his mouth with her palm. 

He removed her hand. “But why? Just don't talk to me about manners. We are sitting at home.” Buggy grinned and put his hand on her thigh. “And it doesn’t even bother me that your koalas are looking at me.” He whispered near her lips.

Catherine moaned slightly and reached her hand towards the table. “My little bear…”

“I’m listening, my Cathie-pie.” Buggy looked into her eyes and was about to kiss her. 

Catherine suddenly grabbed the pancake and shoved it into his mouth. “Eat your breakfast, asshole!” 

“Little shit!” He swallowed the food and looked at her with his round eyes, not knowing whether to kill her or not. “I thought we’re…”

“You're so easy to fool.” Catherine started laughing and looked into his upset eyes. “Are you kidding me? Wasn't the night enough for you? Oh, my sexy clown, you fucked me so, so hard that my legs hurt, I can't walk or talk. I have the best sex of my life with you, and I want more right now! Is that what you want to hear? Give me a break, for god’s sake!”  

“In my defense, I love hearing you moan my name loudly. Do you know how hard it is to stop at that moment?” Buggy looked at her proudly and winked. “And thanks for the compliment about the best sex. I knew you would like it since the moment we first met.”

“Blue-haired pervert!” Catherine squinted her eyes. “You couldn't know that. You pissed me off and wanted to leave me in the desert!!”

“But I didn't leave you!! How many times do I have to be reminded of that?”

“Shush, clown! I’m not talking to you!” Catherine wrapped her arms around his neck, pressed her cheek to his cheek and began to lightly shake him from side to side. “I.. love.. you!!” She squealed quietly and kissed him on the cheek. 

“You'll stun me, cotton candy! Why do I let you do this to me?” Buggy reached out and took the pancake.

Catherine heard him slurp and looked at him. “Are you fucking kidding me? You should be ashamed. I confess my love to you, and you’re just eating the food.”

He shrugged. “What? We’re not going to the bedroom, we’re not going to the sofa. I’m hungry.” He took another pancake and began to chew it without a trace of shame on his face. 

Catherine threw up her hands questioningly and rolled her eyes. “I hate you!”

“Oh, wait!” Buggy separated his hand and sent it towards the box near the microwave. The hand took out the chalk and flew to the fridge, on which hung a magnetic board with the inscription “Pie’s I hate you.” The hand drew the line and put the chalk back to the box.

“Seriously? Idiot. Have you switched from numbers to lines?” Catherine shook her head.

“Yes. You know, like in prisons. Draw along the line and then cross out the month.” Buggy took her hand and kissed it.

“You know better, a man who was in prison.” Catherine kissed him on his nose and went into the shower. 

After finishing breakfast, Buggy tried to sneak into the bathroom to see her naked, but was chased away by a washcloth. After the shower, Catherine followed him around the room, asking to take her with him. Buggy growled but agreed. She quickly dressed, and he led her somewhere along the streets of Cairo. Catherine didn’t stop talking the whole way, endlessly asking where they were going, who they were going to and how soon they would arrive. 

“Is there something I need to know?” She asked when they reached the brown door of the house in the center. 

“All you have to do is remain silent.” Buggy looked around and opened the door. 

They entered a large room filled with purple and red furniture decorated with monograms with drawings in the shape of the sun. It was a little dark and smoky inside. Catherine looked around and saw chairs with backs in the shape of lightning bolts, and glasses filled with booze in the shape of tusks on the table. Waitresses dressed in kimonos walked past her. 

“Buggy the Clown!” A low man’s voice was heard from the corner. “And his.. And who is this with you?”

“It's Cat~” 

“Oh, my god!” Catherine could not contain her surprise. She widened her eyes and pointed her finger at the approaching body. “He looks like a big blue onigiri!!” 

“Fuck, Catherine!” Buggy hissed though his teeth. 

“Oh, fuck off. I've never seen anything like this.” She extended her hand to the big fish. “Hello! I'm Catherine! His gir~” 

“God, this isn’t a joke? Buggy the Clown got himself into a relationship?” The fish said in surprise, straightening his kimono.

Catherine looked at Buggy. “Listen, why are they all surprised by this?”

“My guys said they saw you with some girl, but I thought you were just hiring a girl for one night. You know. A one-night stand whore. But as I can see she's not a... you know...not a clown’s whore.” 

“Hey, Jinbe!” Buggy barked. “Don't dare call her a whore!” He felt how Catherine squeezed his hand.

“I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't mean to insult you. I was just surprised that he.. you know.. and you.. you know.” He came closer. “I'm a man of honor. Nice to meet you, young lady!” Jinbe extended his hand, took her hand and kissed it. 

“Oh, my God! How does he walk?!” Catherine pointed her finger at him and repeated his movement. 

“Jinbe, excuse us for a second!” Buggy took Catherine's hand and pulled her outside. “Wait here!”

“But why?” She asked with sadness in her voice. 

“Seriously?” Buggy rolled his eyes and groaned. “You just called him onigiri! Wait here!” 

“Stop! Won't he hurt you?” Catherine ran her hand over his shoulder. 

“Nooo, it's okay. I'll be back.” Buggy took her hand and was about to kisse it, but stopped. “Cathie-pie, wipe your hands, the fish kissed you after all.” 

Catherine watched as he closed the door behind him and sat down on the wide windowsill, crossing her legs in front of her. Buggy came out about an hour later. He looked at her and laughed. 

“What?” She asked, licking the spoon. “Come here! Try it! Coconut.” 

“Nothing.” He came closer to her. “I'm just glad that while I'm possibly between life and death, you're sitting here peacefully and enjoying some ice cream.”

“You drove me away yourself, and I was bored.” Catherine took the ice cream with a spoon and put it in his mouth. “So what? Did you manage to sell it?” 

Buggy began to nod, breaking into a smile. 

“Fuck you!” She jumped up onto the windowsill with her feet. “How much?” 

Buggy whispered in her ear. 

“Wha-a-a-t??” Catherine dropped the ice cream from her hands. “It's impossible! Are you kidding me? That's a lot of money! A lot more than I thought! Pinch me if you're kidding!” 

“No! 350 million, cotton candy!” He smirked. “I told him what it is and who it belongs to. In general, all these smart Egyptian things of yours. You should have seen his face at that moment. He said I'm lucky to have found you.” Realizing what was about to follow, Buggy spread his arms. 

Catherine stood silently and blinked at him. She clenched her hands into fists and began to squeal, stomping in place. She jumped from the windowsill onto Buggy, hugging him with her legs and arms. “Love.” Smack. “Love!” Smack. “Love, love, love you!!” Smack. Smack. Smack.

“Yes, yes. I love you too!” Buggy stroked her cheek. “Well, what does my Cathie-pie want now?” 

“Your Cathie-pie wants more ice cream!” Catherine kicked her legs. “Can you buy me another one? Blueberry flavor! No! Cucumber flavor! No! Lavender flavor!” Smack. Smack. 

“I can buy you all the ice cream in the world! You're my lucky star now!” 

“And wine! I also want to go to that cafe on the embankment. Can we go? Right now!” Catherine stroked his hair. 

“Let's go wherever you want, cotton candy! I’m yours a-a-a-ll day.” Buggy squinted his eyes. 

“Also, let's go to your favorite bar! My Buggy Bear needs to be rewarded too.” Catherine pecked him on his lips. “You'll drink, and I'll let you stare at pretty girls. And even let you flirt with the bartender.”

“Can I touch their asses? I used to do that.” He kissed her cheek. 

“Isn't it enough that you're doing it now? How do you even do it?” Catherine kissed him on the lips. Her kiss was deep and long, she tried with all her might to control herself. Breaking the kiss, she jumped off him to the ground and wiped her mouth with her palm. She took his hand and dragged him towards the embankment. 

Catherine constantly talked like crazy, actively gesticulating and telling Buggy that she loved him very much. Buggy looked at her, constantly smiling, still not understanding why she was with him.

Catherine once again understood that fate had once given her the biggest gift in her life. Buggy was secretly glad that she was braver than him one day, and stayed with him. 

Catherine knew that she loved him more than life itself. Buggy knew he loved her more than life. 

Catherine knew that for his sake, she would kill anyone. Buggy knew that although he was a coward, but he would kill anyone for her sake.

Catherine knew that she will always be by his side. Buggy will always be grateful for this.

Catherine knew that he loved her, although these words were not always easy for him. But she didn’t know that Buggy kept a piece of the diamond for himself. And only he knew for what purpose.

[see-starling]

Okay, this is the official LAST TO LEAVE THE ROOM promo post! A blurb, a tiny excerpt, some fancy art of the main characters by @cparrisart, and a nice photo.

The book comes out OCTOBER 10TH, 2023! Oh god that’s way too close. The audiobook is read by Xe Sands and she did a fantastic job. There’s a fancy edition coming from a particular book box, though I think that’s sold out now.

Here’s the actual pitch:

The city of San Siroco is sinking. The basement of Dr. Tamsin Rivers, the arrogant, selfish head of the research team assigned to find the source of the subsidence, is sinking faster.

As Tamsin becomes obsessed with the distorting dimensions of the room at the bottom of the stairs, she finds a door that didn’t exist before - and one night, it opens to reveal an exact physical copy of her. The doppelgänger is sweet and biddable where Tamsin is calculating and cruel. It appears terribly human, passing every test Tamsin can devise. But the longer the double exists, the more Tamsin begins to forget pieces of her life, to lose track of time, to grow terrified of the outside world.

With her employer growing increasingly suspicious, Tamsin must try to hold herself together long enough to figure out what her double wants from her, and just where the mysterious door leads…

And here are a few memes to delight and entice:

And if you want your own copy of a disaster lesbian ruining her life through zoom meetings and bad decisions, here’s a link where you can preorder, and maybe get yourself some cool enamel pins in the process.

(And here are some content warnings.)

[weebsinstash]

Ughhhh ok but I started thinking about, what if you took some of these werewolf pack bond/mate bond/family bond mechanics from all these audiobook stories I've been binging and apply it to like normal people, and of course yanderes but like, specifically to ABO stuff and it's making me SO unhealthy 😩❤️

-obviously yandere mate x darling who doesn't want them is a must, and add the mate bond into that mix. You think an obsessed stalker is bad? Now imagine the sheer possessiveness and intensifying of that obsession because you ARE literally 'made for each other'. Like honestly, having someone who can basically sense your general direction and overall mood at any given time, who is naturally attracted to you and your personal scent, who is supposed to be your destined soulmate? Have fun trying to get away! It isn't going to happen but good luck trying!

-platonic yandere forming literal familial bonds with you. You get scooped up and start getting taken care of, and after you've been all pampered and spoiled and cuddled a while, slept in their home, eating their food, wearing clothing provided by them, suddenly your scent starts intermingling with those of your "new family". Whatever typically-Alpha parental figure is projecting their delusion on you just calls you their pup fully unironically, them and your 'siblings' eventually being able to sense your emotions when they're near you and being viciously protective as if you're blood

-you start presenting as Omega and your "family" just starts enthusiastically "protecting your chastity". No sex! No partners! You are clearly A Sweet Innocent Smol Fragile Little Bean and obviously anyone who so much as smiles at you is CLEARLY a predator rapist threat that has to be dealt with immediately and often violently. God forbid if you so much as hug someone and some of their scent transfers onto you because suddenly they're getting jumped in an alley being full on interrogated on 'what their intentions are'

-some people just like, actively ignoring that your mate is clearly insane and even side-eyeing YOU because "ugh that's your mate and they're even an Alpha, of course they're going to be a little possessive of you 🙄 bruh them wanting to be physically touching you all the time and not even liking when doctors touch you is NORMAL 😤"

-imagine you're just minding your own goddamn business and some twink walks up to you, "oh my gosh, my fated mate, and you're an Omega, we're gonna have lots of babies together ❤️ " and they like. Literally have a 404 Error Message when you're instantly "actually I don't even want kids and I don't like that you just waltzed up to me automatically expecting it when we don't know each other. Red flag + L + ratio + I reject you + you've got small dick energy anyways"

I just think the whole "your scent/aura changes with your moods and if someone knows you really well they can basically always know how you're feeling" concept can have such deliciously creepy applications 🥰

[thelivingautomaton]

so lately i've been curing my brainrot by listening to audiobooks while i crochet, the result being that i have gotten really, really into the wheel of time (which i've previously bounced off of like, 3 separate times) and also been tweeting about it. anyway i have finished the first book and simply must scream into the void about it

jesus, okay, where do i even begin. let's talk about characters

so i KNEW that mat was gonna be The Character Of All Time going right in, i am self-aware enough about what kinds of blorbos i enjoy (read: cocky roguish guy who is actually a sopping wet cat of a man and uses snark to obscure deep-seated angst and/or doubt in himself, his identity, and his goodness). and i do have an affection for mat at this point

although ngl it kind of totally went over my head when i last tried to read these books that he is also? kind of a dick this early on? though to be fair he was having his soul eaten by an evil dagger for like, two-thirds of the book

that being said. what i did NOT expect was for the dark horse surprise contenders for Character Of All Time to be nynaeve and rand

nynaeve is literally the funniest, pettiest bitch ever and i love her SO MUCH. literally what if you were a preternaturally gifted healer and given a position of authority at a very young age so you had a complex about it, but that complex manifests itself as a bullheaded stubborn drive to Take Care Of Your People, and you are ready to throw hands with every magic lady Jedi on the way because you are fueled by Pure Unadulterated Spite at all times

every time she'd try to start a catty slap fight with moiraine and moiraine would just, like, sip her tea unbothered? now THAT'S comedy

sidenote, dear lord do these characters drink a lot of tea. do they have coffee in this nebula. do they have new world crops. i feel like someone must have mentioned potatoes. where was i

oh my god, rand. RAND. literally WHAT IF you were a farmboy from the ass-end of nowhere and you get pulled into this fantastical adventure like a hero from legend, but you spend 700 pages having all of your assumptions about the world and yourself systemically questioned and tested and broken down. and the whole time you're holding onto the hope of going home and going back to the way things were, until you experience the crushing weight of the Hero's Journey and the fact that you can never really go home (read: go back to the simple life and the way things used to be) ever again

EXCEPT!!! THAT THERE IS ALSO WONDER AND EXCITEMENT AND CURIOSITY TOO!!! like, obviously i loved all the times that rand and the other farm kids are agog seeing different parts of the world (especially the cities -- dude, i LOVE the setup for caemlyn) but literally one of my favorite scenes was when rand is on the spray sitting at the top of the mast and he just starts laughing aloud for the freedom and joy of it all. the journey will be long and terrible and arduous but it's so important to show that there are bright moments on the way too. i'm going to puke

also there's a few moments between rand and the dark one (ba'alzamon? bro idk how anything is spelled) that were so *chef's kiss*, like rand telling him "i belong to myself" or in their big fight when he screams that he'll never be a hound for the dark one. more generally i love the emphasis placed on the importance and power of people taking a stand, even if they know it's futile. ESPECIALLY if they know it's futile. (there was this line from moiraine like "the wheel weaves as the wheel wills, but i refuse to believe it weaves an end to all hope". waugh)

also i know the reveal that rand can channel was telegraphed from a mile away but i ain't even mad about it because i feel like the setup was done so nicely. you get a scene of moiraine explaining to nynaeve about how channeling feels the first time you do it (i.e. you have the greatest need you've ever known, then a week later your body has a delayed reaction that feels like a weird flu), you get rand and mat escaping whitebridge via improbable lightning strikes, then you get rand coming down with a weird flu. like, idk, i like it when creators set up dominoes and i as a reader can SEE the dominoes getting set up and i get to go like, hoohoohoo, can't wait for those to get knocked down!

unsurprisingly since rand and nynaeve are my two favs i also am enamored with their dynamic. maybe it's because you're in rand's head the most in this book, and so it's the closest you as a reader are to seeing a straightforward platonic relationship between a male and female character? but okay like, listen. nynaeve is the FIRST PERSON (maybe the only person rn??) rand shares his fears with re: tam not being his dad and him not knowing who he is. and nynaeve immediately reassures him that it doesn't matter, she saw tam and kari with him and she KNOWS they loved him like any father and mother

or like, the scene when rand overhears lan and nynaeve having their whole Dramatic Star-Crossed Romance (which is like, cool, but also, can't wait for lan to get over his TTRPG Tragic Backstory [affectionate] and kiss her already), and the chapter ends with a line like "Rand closed his eyes. He did not think the Wisdom would like it if he saw her cry." good GOD!

how old are these kids supposed to be anyway. like i know nynaeve is older by a few years and she's...24? so are the rest 18-20ish? oh my god you guys, they're KIDS

i'm sure i will have more thoughts about the other characters as these books progress and shit continues to pop off and Get Funky (especially relevant vis a vis perrin going full wolf mode and egwene learning how to be an aes sedai). also i love how often it's repeated that people from the two rivers are The Most Stubborn People Alive, and how rand holds onto that as part of his identity (re: envisioning hardy two rivers soil)

now let us talk about the world because OH MY GOD

one of the things that definitely stuck with me was the secret hidden lore re: "this is actually post-post-post apocalyptic earth", cf. thom telling stories about "lenn flying to the skies in an eagle made of fire" and "salya walking among the stars", because it is so fucking insane as a concept and jordan does it REALLY WELL, in the sense that any references to "our" earth are so oblique and indirect that they're barely comprehensible, which is as it should be if these books take place a whole two ages later

but it's also such a perfect excuse/reason to deliberately echo and make homage to myths and stories that we as readers are familiar with, the most obvious being the legend of artur hawkwing (and also half of our main cast having arthurian-esque names). something something george lucas saying that it's like poetry, it rhymes

the part that really dropped me flat on my ass though was when perrin and egwene and elyas are leaving the tinkers and elyas LITERALLY recites anglican catechism at them ("as it once was, so shall it ever be, world without end"), reader i screamed

that being said. i do kind of wish there was more Weird Religion Bullshit. i mean it makes sense that the cosmology and people's theological beliefs are pretty universal (given that it's a Canonical Big Deal Historical Event that the embodiment of evil punched a hole in reality and made magic evil and fucked up for men forever), but like. where is the variety! where is the spice! where are the religious freaks! give me religious freaks!!!

however this is ameliorated by the fantastic variety in cultures/societies/stories, and also the overarching theme of "the world has moved on from what it once was". like, everything with loial (also strong contender for Supporting Character Of All Time) talking about the groves and how different the world is from what he'd read about in the stedding! the entire scene with the green man (which still makes me feel completely fucking insane, just btw)! perrin and egwene at the ruined statue of artur hawkwing! moiraine telling the people of emond's field about manetheren! WHEWWWWWWWWWW

like, it really does give you this sense of history and loss. but also i hope that as the books go on it gets more into, like, "okay, the world has moved on and nothing will ever be as it once was. so what are we going to do with the world we have? how are we going to keep it safe and let it grow?"

sidenote: the tragedy of listening to the audiobooks is that i can't flip back to look at the map or the glossary if i start getting a little lost 😭 help i just want to get everything Right in my head

i also feel like jordan does a fantastic job of like...getting the reader further and further into the more fantastical or impactful elements of the world step by careful step and pacing out how he escalates the characters' importance to the world. does this make any sense.

like, baerlon -> whitebridge -> caemlyn is a steady stepwise escalation in Experiencing A City. and the one-two-three combo of loial explaining ta'veren to rand + rand overhearing a farmer gossip about queen morgase and her family + the repeated references to seeing the false dragon in caemlyn all leads perfectly into rand falling into the garden and the entire chapter with elayne and gawyn and morgase. (side note: this chapter was fucking incredible, good god i am obsessed with royal political bullshit.) OR having all these moments of the characters with moiraine to establish her nature, then providing an immediate contrast with the introduction of elaida as the "other" aes sedai. DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. it's dominoes, baby

okay i have a few other miscellaneous thoughts

i fucking love how unapologetically trope-y these books are. it is so crunchy. not just vis a vis the hero's journey, but also, like, all the repeated motifs? spooky symbolic dream sequences? excerpts from in-universe writings and poetry? Foreshadowing Via Fortune-Telling? chef's kiss

also, dude, i love that robert jordan really dropped all of the fucking symbols for the next who knows how many books into three paragraphs via min. he knew the girlies would go crazy for this. AND HE WAS RIGHT

same goes for the whole concept of ta'veren, like i know on the surface it's kind of a goofy concept that you are Assigned Main Character At Birth by the wheel/the pattern, but also like. this man knew people on tumblr would be obsessing over characters doomed/haunted by narratives 30 years after these books were published. his third eye was OPEN

in a bizarre way so much of the story elements and pacing feels like a d&d campaign. mat is the rogue who picks up stuff he really shouldn't. perrin is a barbarian that accidentally took a level in druid. lan is the dm's npc blorbo with the intricately detailed tragic backstory that gets dumped on the players all at once (this is affectionate i swear). do you see what i'm saying

hi i love these books a lot already and i can't wait for them to get even more insane. thanks 4 ur time

[rosewoodconch]

RWCH Readathon 2024: Day 18

Princess in Practice - Chapter 1

Back to the insanity of the real world consequences of portmans

I really like how much its clear that Lottie is uncomfortable by Saskia being in the basement

Like yeah thats wild

And the idea of keeping her identity secret by limiting photography is smart, but clearly is useless by book 3 - its really not even thought about passed this chapter and that makes me kind of sad

I know we dont know this yet and neither does anyone really, but if that tiara is in some of the sole surviving portraits of a mysterious runaway princess, I feel like at least one person at these wvents would recognise it

Like cmon you think none of those journalists and royal commentators didn't study art history or royal history???

Olga is an icon ngl

I like that jamie stands out by dressing simple

Jamie staying close to make sure nothing goes wrong makes so much sense

"None of them true" i swear it said she had snuck out at least once

Simeon!!!!

Oh not the statue oh my god

I really like our reintroduction to the king and queen. Their appearances match how they react to lottie too i think. The queen is welcoming and willing to play the part and to be honest also kind of takes in lottie. The king on the other hand has a sense of duty and treats lottie the same as jamie, as not much more than a means to protect ellie

I wanna find the note that connie made about how she imagined this art man furiously scribbling a sketch of lottie to make the statue but i dont remember where it was posted! I'll hunt for it and put it in a reblog if i can find it!

Im audiobooking, and i dont remember how to spell his name so im so sorry he will just be the art man

It must be really strange having someone else taking your childs place and trying to perform

I always picture the statue as being genuinely like 2 stories high but i feel like thats a bit much

Where is Ellie this whole time? Just in her room?

No because thats so so funny though. I wanna see art mans reaction when the real princess is revealed. Like this poor man, so much work and effort and it turns out its some girl from cornwall

Jamie also trying to hold it together really just makes this scene so incredible

I always forget how funny this scene is until i reread it but it really shows the wider consequences of lottie being a portman. Imagine if we in the real world found out that for example, Prince William didnt actually look like that and the man we all thought was him is actually just some kid he met at eton?

Thats insane yknow?

[murasaki-cha]

Reasons why I should never talk ever without thinking, must always keep my mouth shut.

Literally something I said less tham 5 min ago:

Me: oh my god the voices are making me feel things!

I'M LISTENING TO AN AUDIOBOOK!! I MEANT THE VOICES OF THE NARRATORS ARE SO INCREDIBLE THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL THINGS!! IT WAS A COMPLIMENT TO THE AUDIOBOOK NARRATORS!! I DON'T HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD THAT MAKE ME FEEL THINGS!!

[runawaymun]

Tsunami and rain for the writing asks

🌊 Tsunami - When and where do you like to write?

Generally at my computer desk in my room sometime during the day. Right now I like to listen to an audiobook and work on art first, and then launch into my word count goal for the day. It kinda fills the tank up. I like to write in the morning best. I always feel very put-in-order and like myself if I write first thing.

Though I must say a lot of scenes tend to come to me when I'm on the verge of sleep at like midnight, so a lot of scenes do get punched out on my phone keyboard and then I have to decipher them after I wake up.

💧Rain - What's the most emotional scene you've ever written?

Ohhhh this is difficult!

First one that comes to mind is the conversation between Elrond and Beetle in Stars when they finally resolve things. The:

“I just wanted to be good for you.” Elrond let out a breath, eyes closing for a moment. Then, he looked back at her and brushed some more hair out of her face and took her face in his hands, rubbing away those lingering tear-tracks. “Ai, iell nín. My daughter, you are always good.” 

made me cry the first time I wrote it and it still makes me curl up into a little ball from time to time.

Also the scene in Stars where Elrond first finds Maglor and wrestles him back from Mandos because no you are not leaving me I am tired of people fucking leaving me i hate you and i love you and i'm not letting you go this time AHHHHHh

And of course there are so many in Partake, too. Most recently I'm pretty sure I was tearing up at Elrond asking Gil "why do you hate me?" because aslkdghsafhhghhghg UHGHGG---

Oh god also, back to the Stars series but when Thalionel gets a taste of fresh sun-warm blueberries and has to sit down and start sobbing because it makes him so homesick and he didn't realize how homesick he was and he can't remember what his mom looks like and why can't he remember what his mom looks like and---- ohhhhhhh

WIP Weather Ask Game

[rjalker]

it's just so fucking funny. Oh my gods.

A Square explaining how allowing disabled people* to exist in public would bring about the downfall of civilization

[ID: The meme of someone standing in front of a wall covered in red string connecting dots in a conspiracy theory, with the person replaced with A Square, a Flatlander seen from above. He has a grey exoskeleton, and insides of various shades of pink and purple. End ID.]

= = =

For context, Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions, is satire of Victorian England's bigotry, written in 1884. It's also about math and the theory of other dimensions. ("Romance" back then meant "adventure")

Read and download it for free from Project Gutenberg.

An amazing and hilarious audiobook on the Web Archive.

10/10 highly recommend. In the process of "translating" it into casual 2023 English so more people can read it easier.

This is the original text below. I keep getting distracted from "translating" it because it's so funny.

The entire thing is written to show you how absolutely absurd and ridiculous bigotry is.

= = =

Section 7. Concerning Irregular Figures

Throughout the previous pages I have been assuming—what perhaps should have been laid down at the beginning as a distinct and fundamental proposition—that every human being in Flatland is a Regular Figure, that is to say of regular construction. By this I mean that a Woman must not only be a line, but a straight line; that an Artisan or Soldier must have two of his sides equal; that Tradesmen must have three sides equal; Lawyers (of which class I am a humble member), four sides equal, and generally, that in every Polygon, all the sides must be equal.

The size of the sides would of course depend upon the age of the individual. A Female at birth would be about an inch long, while a tall adult Woman might extend to a foot. As to the Males of every class, it may be roughly said that the length of an adult's sides, when added together, is two feet or a little more. But the size of our sides is not under consideration. I am speaking of the EQUALITY of sides, and it does not need much reflection to see that the whole of the social life in Flatland rests upon the fundamental fact that Nature wills all Figures to have their sides equal.

If our sides were unequal our angles might be unequal. Instead of its being sufficient to feel, or estimate by sight, a single angle in order to determine the form of an individual, it would be necessary to ascertain each angle by the experiment of Feeling. But life would be too short for such a tedious grouping. The whole science and art of Sight Recognition would at once perish; Feeling, so far as it is an art, would not long survive; intercourse would become perilous or impossible; there would be an end to all confidence, all forethought; no one would be safe in making the most simple social arrangements; in a word, civilization would relapse into barbarism.

Am I going too fast to carry my Readers with me to these obvious conclusions? Surely a moment's reflection, and a single instance from common life, must convince every one that our whole social system is based upon Regularity, or Equality of Angles. You meet, for example, two or three Tradesmen in the street, whom you recognize at once to be Tradesmen by a glance at their angles and rapidly bedimmed sides, and you ask them to step into your house to lunch. This you do at present with perfect confidence, because everyone knows to an inch or two the area occupied by an adult Triangle: but imagine that your Tradesman drags behind his regular and respectable vertex, a parallelogram of twelve or thirteen inches in diagonal:—what are you to do with such a monster sticking fast in your house door?

But I am insulting the intelligence of my Readers by accumulating details which must be patent to everyone who enjoys the advantages of a Residence in Spaceland. Obviously the measurements of a single angle would no longer be sufficient under such portentous circumstances; one's whole life would be taken up in feeling or surveying the perimeter of one's acquaintances. Already the difficulties of avoiding a collision in a crowd are enough to tax the sagacity of even a well-educated Square; but if no one could calculate the Regularity of a single figure in the company, all would be chaos and confusion, and the slightest panic would cause serious injuries, or—if there happened to be any Women or Soldiers present—perhaps considerable loss of life.

Expediency therefore concurs with Nature in stamping the seal of its approval upon Regularity of conformation: nor has the Law been backward in seconding their efforts. "Irregularity of Figure" means with us the same as, or more than, a combination of moral obliquity and criminality with you, and is treated accordingly. There are not wanting, it is true, some promulgators of paradoxes who maintain that there is no necessary connection between geometrical and moral Irregularity. "The Irregular", they say, "is from his birth scouted by his own parents, derided by his brothers and sisters, neglected by the domestics, scorned and suspected by society, and excluded from all posts of responsibility, trust, and useful activity. His every movement is jealously watched by the police till he comes of age and presents himself for inspection; then he is either destroyed, if he is found to exceed the fixed margin of deviation, or else immured in a Government Office as a clerk of the seventh class; prevented from marriage; forced to drudge at an uninteresting occupation for a miserable stipend; obliged to live and board at the office, and to take even his vacation under close supervision; what wonder that human nature, even in the best and purest, is embittered and perverted by such surroundings!"

All this very plausible reasoning does not convince me, as it has not convinced the wisest of our Statesmen, that our ancestors erred in laying it down as an axiom of policy that the toleration of Irregularity is incompatible with the safety of the State. Doubtless, the life of an Irregular is hard; but the interests of the Greater Number require that it shall be hard. If a man with a triangular front and a polygonal back were allowed to exist and to propagate a still more Irregular posterity, what would become of the arts of life? Are the houses and doors and churches in Flatland to be altered in order to accommodate such monsters? Are our ticket-collectors to be required to measure every man's perimeter before they allow him to enter a theatre or to take his place in a lecture room? Is an Irregular to be exempted from the militia? And if not, how is he to be prevented from carrying desolation into the ranks of his comrades? Again, what irresistible temptations to fraudulent impostures must needs beset such a creature! How easy for him to enter a shop with his polygonal front foremost, and to order goods to any extent from a confiding tradesman! Let the advocates of a falsely called Philanthropy plead as they may for the abrogation of the Irregular Penal Laws, I for my part have never known an Irregular who was not also what Nature evidently intended him to be—a hypocrite, a misanthropist, and, up to the limits of his power, a perpetrator of all manner of mischief.

Not that I should be disposed to recommend (at present) the extreme measures adopted by some States, where an infant whose angle deviates by half a degree from the correct angularity is summarily destroyed at birth. Some of our highest and ablest men, men of real genius, have during their earliest days laboured under deviations as great as, or even greater than, forty-five minutes: and the loss of their precious lives would have been an irreparable injury to the State. The art of healing also has achieved some of its most glorious triumphs in the compressions, extensions, trepannings, colligations, and other surgical or diaetetic operations by which Irregularity has been partly or wholly cured. Advocating therefore a VIA MEDIA, I would lay down no fixed or absolute line of demarcation; but at the period when the frame is just beginning to set, and when the Medical Board has reported that recovery is improbable, I would suggest that the Irregular offspring be painlessly and mercifully consumed.

[fictionalmenaremytype]

Percy Jackson Episode 6 Spoiler!!!!

Percy Jackson episode 6 highlights:

- In Percys' dream, the way Kronos has embodied Percy's old headmaster has so much messaging behind it! It shows that he does not necessarily has more power than Percy, but due to fear of wronging him, he is more powerful.

- The breaking of the fourth wall...shudders!

- Annabeth you're so clever with that prism look at you go! But where tf did u get that from?!?!

- SEAWEED BRAIN

- The first Iris Message!! The way Luke's demeanour immediately changes from hopeful to slightly scared before he covers it again when they say they know who the thief is.

- LUKE HOW DARE YOU BLAME CLARISSE!!!!

- Their argument about what was when is so accurate and shows just how much stress and how abnormal this situation is for everyone.

- "Monday you died in the river." Luke must be so confused...

- "When did you turn into an old married couple?" Annabeth's look is so 'my brother needs to stop meddling with my love life' its actually funny. Luke knows, he's going to go tell Silena. Percabeth was the true bargaining tactic. (Iykyk)

- Ooooh they've already started to mention May?!??!

- Awww Grover helping the animals escape! I always forget about that.

- "this seems dangerous" "they'll be fine..." "I meant the people."

- Annabeth's sass about the Lotus flower! He really isn't observant.

- " You were like 2 seconds ahead of me" sure

- LEVITATING?!?!? Perfect song! It bridges the gap between the older and younger generation. I could imagine this playing in an arcade and a casino separately let alone together.

- "Did you read the Odyssey?" "The graphic Novel. It counts" Yes!!! This is a PSA that Audiobooks and Graphic novels are books and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! (I'm looking at you, year 5 teacher, who told me they didn't count)

- WISE GIRL

- The way Walker said WiseGirl endearingly? Sir knows what he did!

- Don't believe him Grover!

- "if I tell you something do you promise not to make fun of me" "Dude..." it's Giving 'I am never going to make things easy for you, Seaweed brain'

- I was unsure about Lin as Hermes bit I'm not now I think it actually makes sense. I know a lot of people said he's not slutty enough to play Hermes who has the most or second most amount of kid at camp but Hermes doesn't need to be slutty. He's a charmer because he's funny. It's like Joey Tribiani's sister Gina said "you'd like him, he's real funny". And like Joey every child of Hermes to their parent would just be screaming "If you like him you laugh!!!"

- Lin how dare you remind them of their trauma!!!

- HE DID THE DISNEY VILLAIN EYEBROWS

- "Then I feel a lot better about stealing his keys" "exactly...wait what?!?!" I cackled this is brilliant!

- "You picked Hermes' picket???" "I'm multitalente." YES YOU ARE QUEEN!!!

- The Lotus flowers as thing you breathe in is so sinister! The more I think about it the more funked up it is.

- The whole pumping the Lotus flowers thing through the air is so smart! But I find it so ironic that Disney, who are known for putting different smells around restaurants to make you buy their food, are portraying this as evil.

- "Man, Grover got really old."

- FUCKING RUGBY TACKLES GOAT MAN

- Grover in Vr gear is the strangest thing to see

- All those cars from different decade puts things into perspective Jesus.

- "Are we late because of me?" "It's okay, we're going to be okay." Percy stop telling people things are okay when they aren't!!

- Hermes left them a note !!!!!

- PERCY CANT DRIVE OH MY GOD. I know he's 12 but this is still so funny. Truly what it's like to drive a car for the first time with no experience.

- ROAD RAGE PERCY OH MY GOD!

- The way he's looking at Annabeth so accidentally scrapes the car up the wall. He was doing so well until that!

- Oh my god that car scared me I was like, no way are they going to kill Annabeth off before the end of season 1.

- "it's easy to forget what's important when you're alone." Foreshadowing for a certain person on a certain island??

- That nymph (Nereid? Nyad? I get them confused.) Is so scary...more scared of her than I am of Kronos can't lie. Shes beautiful but I'm scared.

- Four Pearls woooh

- I didn't think before that the episode are too short but now I'm starting to. There was so much crammed into this one that there wasn't much time to digest anything before the next thing happened. I'd say there was roughly the same amount that happened in this episode and the last but the last felt more cohesive because it was all about Ares and what Ares needed them to do. I don't know. This probably isn't my favourite episode, but it's still really good.

Spoilers for the snippet at the end of the first credits.

- How is Percy staying behind if they have the right amount of pearls?? This will probably be answered, but I'm just worried that it won't completely make sense.

[momiji-bookhouse]

Your writing is so good, I love reading your work! Could you write for Albedo + Glaze Lily please?

[Glaze Lily]: "Tell me, oh storyteller, of the tale of those ill-fated, star-crossed lovers."

Event Masterlist

pairing: Albedo x gn!reader

genre: angst

At its core, the art of alchemy goes against the natural order of the world. The process of breaking an object down into its very essence, molding it to one's will and transfigure it into something else entirely, is one that displays the arrogance of humankind in thinking they can tame something that cannot, and should not, be controlled. But those ever lofty gods do not take heed to these trivial acts of arrogance. What harm is there in allowing mere mortals to fiddle with a little sliver of power?

Alchemy remains harmless to their eyes, until it deals with giving what was once inanimate or decayed feeble life, something they thought they have buried deep underground long ago.

Their fears are realized when a practitioner of that forbidden knowledge appeared in the high walls of Mondstadt.

"Do you think he'll come today?"

"I sure hope so! He's so dreamy~."

You finish the coffee order in your hand, only half-listening to the conversation from your coworkers about some guy who's been coming into the cafe lately.

"What's so great about this guy anyways?" You ask after handing the coffee to the customer.

"Oh (Y/N), if you were here then you would get it. He's so handsome! He must a model. Or an actor."

"Or a prince of some kind. Gods, he looks like he's straight out of a fairy tale. I wouldn't mind if he sweeps me off my feet."

"And his voice...I can melt just thinking about it. Do you think he voices audiobooks?"

"Maybe he can help cure my insomnia by reading a bedtime story to me."

You look at them in suspicion. "That sounds a little too perfect."

"I thought so too! But man, he's so fine. Even his name is pretty." One of them sighs. "Albedo."

Something prickles at the back of your mind at the name, but you quickly shake the feeling off. "That's a rare name."

"I know! I tried looking him up, but he doesn't seem to have much of a social media presence."

"Oh, if only he would show up for your last shift, (Y/N), then you'll see."

You smile ruefully at the reminder that this will be the last time you work here before you move to another city. "Let's see what happens."

To your coworkers' dismay, there's no sign of that mysterious, golden customer. Though you can't deny that you're curious, there's no help mulling on what could have been, especially when you're going to be leaving soon.

At the end of your shift, you change out of your work clothes and hug all of your coworkers goodbye, clocking out one last time before exiting out the back door to start a new chapter in your life.

A few minutes later, the bell chimes, and a young man with hair as pale as chalk walks through the front door.

───── ⋆⋅✨⋅⋆ ─────

The gods trembled upon their divine seats in a mixture of fear and indignation at the last remaining student of the Art of Khemia. An abominable creature existing outside of their jurisdiction that cannot be directly influenced by their dictated fate.

But they would not make their move just yet. No, let the false creation be lured into a sense of security. Let him be convinced that he deserved a life of happiness and peace.

He would make a mistake soon enough.

Spending time in an art gallery isn't what you expected for your day-off, but some of your colleagues have recommended this place to you ever since you've moved here, so you figured there's no harm in going. Besides, it would be a nice change of pace, and it's free to enter to boot.

Coincidentally, the day you decided to go is the day that the gallery is introducing a new exhibition from an artist that you've never heard of before.

"Kreideprinz?" You pronounces as you look at the brochure in curiosity, the name settling into your tongue like a well-worn blanket.

"It means Chalk Prince," the person at the counter informs you. "He's a rising artist that started out in the online space and amassed a following over the years for his sketches and paintings. He's famous for blending realism with a fantastical approach in his landscape depictions. His identity has been a well-kept secret in the industry, but there's a rumor that he may appear at the event tonight."

"Is that so?" You say under your breath while scanning quickly through the brochure. There's no denying the beauty of these images.

"You can find out more on the website if you're interested."

The exhibition is called "On the Boundary", and according to the brochure in your hand, displays a series of his paintings that depicts the world constantly in motion and often on the cusp of a transitional stage.

You stroll through the gallery and find yourself lost in these worlds: from a blooming field of Cecilias that hide signs of decay and rot; to the ancient mountain of Vindagnyr — verdant and prosperous, only belied by a thin flutter of snow on the ground; to the old city of Mondstadt blanketed by darkness and a whisper of a storm.

But not all of it signifies doom and gloom. There's the Tower of Decarabian and the bubbles of resistance hidden among the crowd. The early formation of Liyue Harbor, a skeleton of its now glorious self. The rain slowing its downpour on Yashiori Island. A dazzling depiction of Sumeru City as dreams return to its people.

You stop at a painting of Starsnatch Cliff at night, not as sprawling or grandiose as the others, but something about the simplicity of it draws you in. You wonder what the change could be in this one, could it be the saplings of Cecilia dotted throughout the dusky landscape? Or something in the breeze? Or maybe it's the silhouette of two figures sitting on the precipice of the cliff, bodies so close together that they almost seem to be fusing.

You stare at the sight, entranced. An overwhelming, unnameable feeling fills your soul, a mixture of wistfulness, nostalgia, and yearning. You've been to Starsnatch Cliff once before, but never like this. This is the cliff in another time other than your own. So why is it that you can feel the breeze caressing your cheek, the solid presence of someone beside you, their velvet touch against your skin?

You snap out of your reverie just in time to realize that you had a hand outstretched as if you were going to touch the canvas. You look around to catch the disapproving look from the security guard nearby and quickly retract your hand, your cheeks flaming in shame.

You walk away, and that unexplainable feeling becomes nothing more than dew sliding off a leaf.

That night, a young man wanders discreetly through the gallery, his eyes as blue as the waters of Cider Lake sweeping over each artwork before halting at a particular one.

He gazes at the painting of the lovers on Starsnatch Cliff, and only those observant enough would be able to understand the look in his eyes.

───── ⋆⋅✨⋅⋆ ─────

The creature had everything anyone could ever desire for. Respect from his colleague, power, talent, friends, family, even love. Oh, how he trembled when he realized that this molded heart of his could be capable of such a flighty and ferocious emotion.

How tangible he must have felt, how corporeal and human to be able to taste the fruits of love. He thought he had risen above his shameful origins and was worthy to stand by his lover.

Oh, how the gods anticipated his eventual fall from grace.

It's the perfect day for a stroll in the park, and you congratulate yourself for dragging your body out of bed and enjoy the weather for a little bit, even when your plans for the evening consist of binge-watching your favorite shows and ordering takeout. Ah well, no shame in that.

You're walking along the lake when you feel something crashing into you. You're preparing to chastise them when you realized that the person is only a child, a blonde girl wearing a red dress adorned with clover patterns whose height only manages to hit your upper thighs. Tears rim her eyes, and she has a panicked look on her face.

"What's wrong, are you lost?"

"Klee can't find her mom anywhere! I wanted to see the ducks so I turned away from her for a moment and now I don't know where she is!" She lets out in a ramble.

"Ok," you gently take a hold of her shoulders. "I need you to calm down for me, Klee. We'll find your mom together."

"R-really?"

"Yeah," you smiled. "I promise. Can you describe her to me?"

"M-mom has blonde hair like me, and she's wearing a red dress today so we can match! She's also tall, and very pretty!"

You nod and look down at her dress. Let's hope that there's not a lot of blonde women wearing red dresses with clover patterns in the park today. "Ok, let's go find her."

You let the little girl take your hand and slowly lead her through the park, eyes peeled for the woman fitting the description. You decided to go towards the security booth, thinking that if a panicked parent just lost their child, that would probably be the first place they go to.

Along the way, you get to talking with Klee to ease her worries, asking about her family and listening to her stories about Dodoco (her early interest in chemistry and bomb-making is a bit concerning, but you attribute that to childhood curiosities.)

"You remind me of my brother!"

"Hm? I do?"

She nods enthusiastically, her previous worry seeming to have lessened. "Big brother is also very kind, and he always look after me. Even when he's busy with work, he would find time to play with me."

"Sounds like a good brother."

"He is! I love him very much!"

Thankfully, true to your guess, when you arrive near the booth, there's a hassled woman fitting the description talking to the security guy., waving her arms around frantically.

"Mama!" Klee exclaims and leaves your side to run to her. At the shout, the woman turns around, her eyes brightening in relief.

"Klee!" She springs her arms open to hug the girl. "Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you!"

"I'm sorry," Klee hangs her head guiltily. "I just wanted to look at some ducks."

The woman's shoulders sag. "Oh well, that's alright my little clover. You're here now. Are you okay?"

"Mhmm! I had some help!" Klee gestures to you, still standing there to see the reunion. The woman locks her eyes with yours, and to your surprise, a quick flash of recognition goes through them. She looks at you stiffly, eyebrows furrowed and her mouth almost hanging open.

But she recovers only a second later. "Thank you for helping my Klee."

"It's nothing." You wave a hand. "I'm glad I was able to help."

She nods, and the movement seemed tense. "Come on Klee, say goodbye to the nice person."

"Bye bye!"

"Bye Klee, bye Dodoco."

The woman looks as if though she wants to say something more, but at the last minute she turns away, and offers nothing else than a wave goodbye.

───── ⋆⋅✨⋅⋆ ─────

His fate may not be written by their hands, but his lover was not immune to the whims of destiny.

How cruel it must have been to see a life taken so prematurely, when there was still so much potential and purpose left. How distraught the alchemist was when he witnessed the lifeless body of his lover, how he had begged and pleaded and prayed to the gods he never truly believed in.

They were anticipating this moment, and his next action was one that would seal their paths forever.

"False creation, your attempt at tampering with the natural order of this world to revive a human corpse to life has left us no choice but to intervene. Their soul is no longer of this world, and it is not your right to tether them back to a husk. We cannot ignore this transgression, nor can we let it go unpunished. While everything in this world live and die, you cannot age nor die. Enjoy your immortality, homunculus, and know that you will never be reunited with your love. No matter how many ages past, no matter how many times they reincarnate, no matter if civilizations rise or fall, your paths will never cross again. Heed our words, homunculus. Heed them...or reap the consequences."

You're speedwalking on the sidewalk, silently hoping that you'll make it in time for your appointment. You weave through the streets towards the tracks, the pedestrian light ahead letting you know that a tram will be making its way through soon. You speed up, but the moment your feet makes contact with the tram tracks, you turn to meet the sparkling teal eyes of a young man, his pale blond hair brushing his shoulders, strands pulled back into a half-ponytail to reveal ethereal and delicate features that takes your breath away.

How does one measure a moment when it seems to last forever? You're confident that you're still moving, and yet your feet seem to anchor itself to the ground, trapping yourself in this one instance and refusing to let you go. Everything that is once concrete fizzles out until your surroundings become nothing but dust. There's nothing but you and this man that you've never seen before.

Then why is it that deep inside you feel something call out to you? Why is it that goosebumps rise to your skin and ears buzzed and something creaks in your mind like an abandoned cabinet finally being opened?

Why is he gazing at you with so much tenderness and sadness?

The moment passes. You emerge on the other side safely, the tram blocking your sight entirely. You find yourself lingering for a few seconds, as if seeing if you can catch another look at that mysterious person. The fleeting desire is broken when you take a glance at your phone, horrified to know that you only have a few minutes left.

You dash off, all thoughts of that beautiful man seemingly lost to you.

───── ⋆⋅✨⋅⋆ ─────

Albedo watches as the tram pass, and to his disappointment there is no sign of you on that other side.

He had anticipated this. The gods have kept vigilant to their words for thousands of years, never letting up in their promise to never let him see you ever again. But this slip of theirs...how interesting.

He had seen it in your eyes, he knows that deep down your soul still recognizes him, even when a fog encases your heart and mind. This gives him some hope yet, that those deities up above are not all-powerful and omnipresent.

He turns away, his footsteps clacking against the sidewalk as he thinks about his next move.

He will find their weakness, topple them from their heavenly thrones with his bare hands, and reweave the strands of fate.

After all, Albedo has nothing but time and patience.

[livvyofthelake]

what were the biggest differences btwn the book + the movie and did you feel like there were parts the movie did better than the book + vice versa 😋

girl from the summer i turned pretty tiktok sound voice oh my gosh i love this question!!!!!! ok. obviously the MAJOR difference between the novel and the film are the like. tenses with which the story is presented. and by that i mean the book is very past tense and reflective where the movie is very present tense and focused on the ephemeral moment. which is SO AWESOME btw. literally genius choice for adapting. many are not brave enough to do such a thing but thank god luca guadagnino was of our world would look very different. could you imagine if that movie came out and we had to read all that discourse for a movie that was also BAD? like i’m always saying this but at least no matter what we can always look back on that horrible era for being online and think well at least the movie wasn’t bad. but it could have been Very Very bad. can i drop a horrible piece of trivia on you all. actually i don’t know if we’re ready for that nevermind. anyway we move on. so the initial idea for the film was to have a narrator and i cannot even express how glad i am they didn’t do that. i think it makes the performances so much better that they did it all without the crutch of narration. which is not to say narration is always bad but in a lot of book to movie adaptations it really is a crutch and it sucks a lot of the time and it would have sucked a lot here so i’m glad the movie took the approach it did. like. in a book you can get into the protagonist’s mind a bit easier than with a movie but i think the movie makes it easy by really grounding the story in the moment. it’s summer and the world is beautiful and people are hard to connect with and it’s scorching outside but water is suddenly the best thing you’ve ever tasted in your life!! it’s a good movie guys trust me i wouldn’t lie to you. and i don’t even like armie hammer (me and my 12 year long beef i will never let go of. i don’t even know what’s happened with the man recently i know there was some kind of Cancellation or whatever but i don’t even care. he was cancelled to ME already before his career ever even meant anything). who narrated the audiobook which i listened to btw. so we’re all aware of the direness of the situation and just how forgiving and saintly i am. he unfortunately did kinda slay the audiobook it must be said. as much as it pains me to say.

as for other differences. a huge one to me is that in the book when elio cums in that peach oliver literally eats it. the movie was LAME AS FUCK for only having him joke about eating it. literally make him put that thing in his mouth i’m not kidding. another one is how the movie did part three and four, essentially cutting a lot of it for the sake of keeping the story present which we already talked about. but also there was just a lot of crap that happened in those sections that was boring and i liked that the movie was just like yeah they went to rome <3 like real say less! and the goodbye scene in the movie was also muchhh better for the movie i feel… i understand why the book didn’t get into it, because it was meant to feel like they weren’t actually saying goodbye and felt they would in many ways always be with each other if only in memory or whatever. but i liked the finality of it in the movie being this whole Event and he has to call his mom to pick him up from the train station bringing you back down to the crushing reality that he’s still only 17 and despite getting to like play grown up for the summer with oliver he literally still has to go back to high school in a month and he’s sad and he wants to call his mom to take him home… like that was crazy stuff wowie… i love it when timothee chalamet cries in a car. you guys should watch hot summer nights. it’s a terrible movie <3 i digress.

ANOTHER change i wanna talk about is that frankly the movie never gave misogyny vibes to me with how it treated the women in the story. where the book. well i said this earlier but. i don’t think andré cared about any of those women he wrote. elio’s mother in the book is so nothing and i loved how the film made her more of an active participant in both her son’s life and her own marriage. like she’s not perfect and she was never the weirdly omniscient figure her husband is but she’s presented in the film as very loving and kind and real where the book i swear literally forgets she exists. and then there’s marzia, elio’s sort of girlfriend sort of friend. it’s complicated. it’s not like he ever cheated on her that would imply they had an exclusive relationship understanding that was literally never real. that being said her involvement in the book was like. purely sexual and it was odd. now. this is a book about sex in many ways that must be acknowledged like. elio is like. incredibly horny the entire time and he’s so fucking annoying about it and i love him dearly. but marzia is reduced to a Female Body in a way oliver is never quite reduced to a Male Body and it comes off strange. like oh my god elio we get it you’re bisexual shut UP people like you are why people are biphobic jesus christ. that was a joke but also so real. marzia’s involvement in the movie is a lot more like. she’s a person with her own inner life. which i love naturally because it literally makes a narrative more interesting and juicy when the side characters are also human beings. not all men understand this.

my FAVORITE change from book to movie however. the “is it better to speak or to die” scene…. here’s the rundown. there’s a book elio reads about a princess and a knight who are friends but also in love, and she asks him “is it better to speak or to die?” wondering if he would rather die in peace and honor before getting to experience the love story they could share, or speak the truth and face consequences but finally have it known that he loves her and maybe get to experience even a brief moment of being truly known and loved. you guys all get it. you must submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known to get the rewards of being loved!! anyway so elio reads this book and then talks about it with oliver as a subtle reference to what’s between them as friends with the potential to be more. this is like an act one scene btw i should have clarified that earlier but you understand. anyway in the book it’s just that elio reads this book and tells oliver about it and then they spend the day together inching towards Talking About The Implications before they finally get into it. in the movie the book is read TO elio by his mother, which functionally changes nothing about the plot but EYE like way more because we get elio saying to her “i’d never have the courage to ask such a question” and then we cut to him trying to ask it but skirting around it and using the pretense of just making conversation about a book… also i think the movie’s way of doing that whole deal goes harder because we actually get to see oliver react to it. where the book is very elio focused the movie can have a lingering shot on oliver’s face as he reacts to what elio says from ten feet behind him… it’s my favorite part in the movie genuinely but it was kinda lame in the book… if it had been shot in a way that lent itself to the timeless video it would have been in the timeless video but alas :( like that scene is the whole reason they made it into the timeless video for real…. like IS it better to speak or to die!!??? let’s get into it!!!

something i liked about the book though that’s not in the movie is the inclusion of this character who’s like a little girl that lives near them. and she has like cancer or some horrible illness sorry to her i do not remember but she was friends with oliver, and frankly it made him in the beginning so much easier to forgive for the way he acts there. to be fair this was intentional she’s literally written to personify his redeeming qualities in the midst of elio’s hatred in the earlier stages. where the movie didn’t need her because film has the ability to show things a book can’t. but i liked having her hanging around :) her bailey the sisterhood of the traveling pants realness!

i probably have more to say but these are the big things i’m thinking of right now and this is already so long wow. i literally TOLD y’all i was gonna have boatloads of shit to talk about !!!