#oh yeah this is gonna be a monthly thing for anyone who didn't know

[sensitive-g]

This is just a doodle but I feel like not enough people are talking about this part of the movie so allow me????

Alright look if you're gonna sit here and tell me Sofia didn't have a single part in Katya's betrayal then you're WRONG. I saw another post by @nautilusopus already talking about this but people seem to forget how she gradually lost herself throughout the film, becoming more and more jaded with her actions and motives further on contradicting themselves until she eventually folds in on herself. Katya was the only person who was able to have an influence in how fast this progressed- even though all she did was merely delay the inevitable with how horrific it got. Katya ADORED Sofia and always wanted to make sure she was loved, no matter if Sofia didn't reciprocate at first. When they went to the dinner, it was Katya putting her pearls around Sofia's neck, it was Katya buying her that gown, it was Katya who said every woman should be allowed to feel they are looked at beautifully, knowing full well she was referencing a lower-class girl at an upper-class establishment. Of course at the time Sofia is freaking the fuck out in embarrassment, but it also opens the door to growth. We see Sofia has never been quite out of the rough- she struggles and struggles and is barely able to make her monthly expenses each time. She never bothered to reach out for more bc for all she knew, it was IMPOSSIBLE. But Katya is showing her opportunity, a glimpse of what a better life could feel like, and that yeah, she COULD be looked at beautifully too. And when they talk after the dinner where Katya makes that remark about "keep the dress, I have plenty more", while Sofia is annoyed, she sees it more as a challenge of "let me get my own dress then" rather than "oh of course a dress of this expense is irrelevant to you you pretentious fuck." Which is HUGE bc then we see Sofia start to work harder and try new things, and while the pawn shop is going under she's gone into higher employment (as high as you could get it in the early 1900s at least) and stops leasing herself to Goncharov for laundry duty, and Katya is actually PROUD of her bc she's managed to do something her husband was currently failing miserably at (at least before he got it all back together through cough cough sussy means).

SO IMAGINE THE SHOCK WHEN YOU SEE YOUR BELOVED BURNING AN EXPENSIVE CHECK AND DECLARING THAT GROWTH TO BE LIES AND MANIPULATION??????

Of course we know Lorenzo was a controlling mf and we're cheering that she's not falling for his bullshit, as tragic as that bullshit may be. But that's the beauty of dramatic irony babyyyyy. Katya has no idea by this point; her focus is more on Goncharov and what he's up to, and she hasn't so much as bat an eye in Lorenzo's direction since he hasn't done anything to her yet.

But Sofia HAS seen and experienced it, and when she sees it for the thirst for power that it is, she burns the check as a stance against the corrupt. But not only is it that, it's her having her epiphany of realizing that she's just doing the exact same thing. Everyone she's involved with at the top is only there bc they lied and cheated their way in, or they just happened to be affiliated with someone with the money. And to stay there, they hurt others and act like nothing has happened because they have all the power in their hands and can control everything anyone says out loud about them. Even though she may have started humbly, as she acquired more she also learned about the shady side of things, and wound up relying on making bad deals or cutting corners to get that wealth faster, bc god how she loves being rich now. Except, this wasn't her. This was never supposed to BE her. Now that she looked back, she realizes she herself was following this same path with the deals she's made to date and the things she's done to people around her, and she HATES that. Even if Katya told her her efforts were genuine, even if she told her she was entitled to respect as a woman, even if she told her that she was sincerely proud of her... she wanted to believe it, and she did for so long, but had that ever really been the case..? So she burns the check.

MEANWHILE Katya, who adores Sofia and all she's done, who's proud of her, who gave her that necklace and that dress and even though the necklace led to ruin she STILL doesn't dare ask for it back because she wants Sofia to have it, is now sitting in the hall watching her burn the check, watching her cry and call everyone a snake and cursing them for what they did to her?? She can't imagine why. Sofia seemed to be so happy with her new life, with this new world of possibilities, with how she was no longer scorned upon, but now she's hates herself and hates everyone around her and is burning the check she could have used to advance herself even more? The check that she was just fawning over receiving because she could finally buy her own version of that dress with that?

If you saw your beloved crumble like that and say that everything they had done was meaningless and that it should have never happened, and that YOU were the reason that happened, what would you think? I'd imagine that you'd wonder if their despair WAS your fault, right? She WANTED Sofia to see through those rose-tinted glasses, and she invited her to that dinner and gave her that dress and those pearls to do so, and when she did rise up she was SO PROUD and she felt SO ACCOMPLISHED... But is that what Sofia herself wanted? She was always uninterested in being rich until that night, she NEVER cared about her status and settled with being at the bottom of the barrel bc that's just what she thought she was capable of. And yet like a shepherd herding sheep, she continued to insist and insist and push her toward this gate of upperclass-hood just because she could, and because she wanted to. She truly did want that life for Sofia, but did Sofia ever want it..?

Katya wants to comfort, she wants to come to her side and tell her she's wrong, that she IS a good person and that she CAN be what she wants, but that would only be adding salt to a wound she herself created. So we get that shot- a shot of the light from the flames bouncing off Sofia's blistering red hair and Katya shrouded in darkness for the first time in the film. Sofia scorns herself and tries to burn herself away, and Katya is in the shadow of it, no longer the light she and everyone saw her as. What went wrong? What started it? Where could she go?

That lighthouse was nothing. THIS is where the betrayal began.

[laurents-laces]

Notes on Pacat's livestream for this month! It's not a complete summary but you can watch the video on instagram if you missed it. I'm starting with one quote that I thought was important and the rest will be divided by fandom/topic. The part that's under the cut isn't spoilery, it's just cut to keep the post shorter.

“So I use she/her and he/him pronouns. And I guess just to speak really honestly about where I’m at with gender stuff, I identify as genderqueer- at least that’s the term I use when I’m asked publicly about this- but the truth is that, like a lot of people who are not cisgender, I struggle a lot with gender dysphoria. I’m probably trans masculine and it means that in a lot of ways the pronouns decision can feel very fraught for me. When you’re dysphoric, you know, sometimes even thinking about what your pronouns are can be a little bit traumatic. I absolutely love this new era where we are asking people their pronouns and people are free to have whatever gender expression they want. But for me I guess I choose “he” and “her” both together because it alleviates something of that dysphoric pressure for me. But I’m equally fine with either of those. So I just go with the flow there.”

Fence Comic:

Fence volume five is not supposed to be announced yet at all but it’s in the works. Pacat has already seen some of Johanna’s art for it and he feels like she’s gone to a new level with this volume. Pacat is excited for volume five because the boys’ storylines are really starting to take off

Pacat’s favourite Haikyuu character is Kageyama because he likes that character type that appears in nearly every sports drama. Seiji is that same character type. (There’s a character from Hikaru no Go that he compares to Seiji too but I didn’t catch the name)

Fence is written in a “shounen level up” structure

Pacat wants to read The Foxhole Court because it’s a seminal m/m romance and a lot of people brought it up after Fence got published, but he’ll probably wait until after Fence is done because he doesn’t want to be influenced by any similarities

Captive Prince:

We’ll find out what The News is “soon”

The Laurent’s hair debate is funny because his hair length is described in the books, but nobody cares about Damen’s hair length even though it isn’t described at all

There’s going to be a Japanese box set for capri in December, it looks spectacular

The funny thing about the Japanese version is that when capri was first published, western publishing didn't know what to do with it. It was published as a different genre in every country. But Japan was like “this is a BL light novel.” That's exactly what it is, you've nailed it Japan. Pacat loves the Japanese covers

Capri got a lot of weird western covers because people didn't want to telegraph that the book was gay. The Brazilian covers look like such a male het dude fantasy, and the Australian cover is so enigmatic that you can't tell what it's about. One time at Comic Con there were a lot of US marines there, and they came over to Pacat’s booth and picked up captive prince. Pacat could tell that the cover wasn't telling them everything they needed to know.

About why Laurent didn’t ever get help from Kempt: What Pacat tried to do with the map in capri was make Kempt so inaccessible through the Great Northern Forests that it was hard to get help from them in time, but that's a bit of a questionable part of the plot

Pacat’s pronunciation of Laurent’s name isn’t the most accurate because no one in Akielos and Vere is saying it with an Australian accent, so you really want to get a French person to pronounce it

Pacat might change his mind at some point, but the story of capri is complete for the moment. He likes stories that have an end. Additional material can act as a series killer when the story overstays its welcome

Pacat learned a lot about the structure of the hero's journey while writing capri. He thought it was a really easy, simple structure but it's actually really hard and unforgiving. If you mess up a single step the story feels broken

Captive Prince has elements of a hero's journey but really the A plot is a romance. Pacat did his best with the hero’s journey in Dark Rise but it was a huge learning curve, it was the hardest thing by far about writing the book

Dark Rise:

The Dark Rise trilogy is completely planned out, Pacat knows what will happen down to the last word

Book two will delve more deeply into the past, history and backstories of the characters; we're gonna learn a lot more about the old world. The romance will be explored a little more deeply. It's more “on page gay” than book one. Pacat is two thirds of the way through writing the manuscript. The book doesn’t have a release date yet but the manuscript is due in June

It’s been hard to get Dark Rise in the UK because they have to import the books, but Harpercollins US just agreed to do full distribution to the UK so Dark Rise should be in stores there soon

Dark Rise is in its second printing in the US and Australia but if you pre-ordered you'll get a first edition even if you haven't received the book yet. There have been a lot of COVID-related shipping delays

Pacat chose the names Will and James in two different ways. The first way was that he looked at a lot of censuses from the 1800s because he wanted to choose names people would actually have had, and the two most popular boys' names were Will and James. A lot of people tell him that the two main characters in Clockwork Princess have the same names. He hasn't read that series because it's set in the same time period as Dark Rise and he doesn’t want to be influenced by it but he wonders if Cassandra Clare chose their names the same way he did

The second reason for their names was that Pacat had something to say about pastoral English fantasies. We're so colonized by the idea of Englishness, England is the cultural true North. Australia doesn't have a lot of typical fantasy things like a medieval period, a cold north, a thick forest, castles, sieges, or walls. Those things don’t resonate with Australians but they're still colonized by those ideas. Those books taught what a hero was and Dark Rise is a push back against all of that. Those heroes are always called Will, it's a heroic name. “I wanted to take that Will and *smiles and makes a ripping apart motion with his hands*”

Pacat pronounces Sarcean like Sar-see-en but readers are free to choose the pronunciation they like best because it's not like people in 1800s England had an Australian accent

The scenes he most enjoyed writing in Dark Rise were the ending and both of the unicorn stabbing scenes

Most of the stories about unicorn horns say that they have truth-telling properties when they’re ground into powder, but Pacat thought it would be much more interesting if you had to stab someone with it

He had appointments with historians in Castleton where the inn is in Dark Rise

He often hires a historian to start background research on certain topics because they have an easier time knowing what to look for and where to find primary sources

Personal Things:

When Pacat lived in Tokyo he had an apartment in Jingumae in Harajuku

His family immigrated to Australia from Calabria, Italy after WWII when his mom was eight. He can speak a bit of dialect but he would sound like an old lady because he learned from his grandma

Pacat used to be really into Chinese dramas like the Legend of Fu Yao and Legend of the Condor Heroes. He hasn't watched a lot of the new danmei dramas but he really liked the Untamed

He enjoyed The Cruel Prince by Holly Black, he’s loved her stuff since Valiant and Ironside and the Spiderwick Chronicles

Pacat used to write fanfic for a lot of obscure Japanese fandoms like Hikaru no Go and Utena. He wasn’t a very popular fic author, he wrote gen character vignettes that no one read. The first romance he wrote was capri. He never wrote Harry Potter fic

[afandommultiverse]

One Night Lifetimes - Langris Vaude

word count - 4k

request - patpatlangit

warnings - Lime, no actual smut even though it says lemon juice, I'm sorry I got really tired and ended up making this 4k words and didn't have the brainpower or creativity to write smut, demand of abortion 

a/n - of course enjoy, and let me know about any spelling errors please! Again sorry there no team smut❤️

~~~

“Hey, Y/n, you’re glowing a bit, you okay?” Looking up from your food you stared at Vanessa questioningly. Her sudden odd question caught the attention of some of the others eating at the table. 

“Oh yeah! Did you do some new kind of body wash, Y/n? You’re shiny!” Asta exclaimed, stuffing his face as he looked at me for an answer, as did everyone else. 

“No… I haven’t changed anything in my schedule- or any of my products.” The only thing different from my life is… I couldn’t be? He wouldn’t be stupid enough… Everyone else continued to talk and speculate before someone finally asked the Captain for his opinion. 

“What do you think, Cap’n?” Yami eyed you up and down, his expression unreadable as he looked at you over his newspaper. Before going back to reading he folded to the next page saying;

“I know a thing or two about glowing women… I’ll call a good mage of mine to come to check you out.” 

***

“Any change in foods?” 

“Uhm, no not really.” 

“And you said you haven’t changed any bathing products?” 

“Yep.”

“No schedule changes?” 

“No.” 

“Well, then I’ll run a quick spell over ya’ and we should know what's wrong with you in a jiffy, Dearie.” The old woman smiled warmly, easing your anxious nerves and buzzing fingers, which played together tirelessly in your lap. The doctor's grimoire opened and the relief of her mana washed through your body, cleansing every cell leaving you with refreshed, rested bones and muscles overworked or exerted from missions with every touch, even the slight nausea you had earlier disappeared. 

“When was the last time you had your monthly cycle, Dearie?” You look at the woman, confused but almost knowing what she was already going to say. Again that nausea was back, along with a new lump in your throat that burned and tightened the muscles around it, pulling painfully on the tear ducts of your eyes. 

“Two- Two months.” Your voice was shaky, wavering weakly in reply. 

“Oh, Dearie,” Reading your face she didn’t know what to say. All she did was hug you and rub your back consolingly as you sat frozen, still breathing and heart. 

Time seemed to blur by after that when you came back to the hideout in your room, Yami and the mage talking outside, they’re murmurs coming through the wooden door taunted your ears. A few moments of silence passed before the door opened to show Yami. He came in as neutral as ever, lighting a cigarette and coming to sit beside you on the bed, which creaked loudly under his weight. 

“Here, Gladys gave me these to give to you.” He handed you a glass bottle of small capsules. You looked at the bottle and read the label ‘Prenatal Supplements,’ yet another sign that what was happening is real. 

“Are you going to keep it?” Yami asked, looking at the wall while blowing out a puff of smoke. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Are you going to tell him?” You snorted weakly. 

“I think that's the only thing I’m sure about at this point.” You fell to the side and laid your head on his shoulder, holding back every tear that had been building up behind your eyes since you got the news. 

“So am I gonna tell Finral he’s going to be an uncle or do you want the honors?” You turned to look up at him, head-snapping so fast you thought you broke it. 

“You knew?” Yami turned to look at you, a grin pulling at his lips, teeth gripping his cigarette in place. 

“Who do you think brought you back that night?” 

***

“Captain Langris? A visitor is here to see you.” Langris frowned, he wasn’t expecting anyone today, he was supposed to be working on mission assignments and specifically freed up the day due to his lag in work as of late, a certain woman clouding his thoughts. 

“Come in.” He wasn’t prepared for who came through the threshold of his office door. In you walked, legs striding with a confidence you didn’t feel at all, but you could have fooled him, with your head held high you met him head-on at his desk. 

“What can I do for you, Y/n?” His chin came to rest on his pen that he held in front of him with his two hands, watching you with sharp, intrigued eyes, anyone else might have thought he was bored, but he was beyond curious of where this would go. 

“I-” The words were stuck in your throat, a huge knot holding up the words from passing your lips. 

“What is it?” He didn't mean to come off so rude but it was out of instinct, he wasn’t a patient man. 

“W-Well.” Once again the words balled up in your throat, restricting your breathing as your eyes began to water, built-up anxiety and nerves ripping away at your nerves as you began to shake. 

“Well? Get on with it-”

“I'M PREGNANT!” The scream seemed to clear your throat, but the shaking continued, as did the tears burning your eyes, blurring the reaction of Langris, but you didn’t need to see it. 

“Get rid of it.” you blinked, breakdown halted for but a second, a second of clarity where you saw him, terrified and desperate, another blink, calm- angry eyes. You took a step back, disgusted, almost betrayed. You didn’t know what to expect when coming here, but it wasn’t this.

“Y/n wait-” He could see the disgust in your somber eyes, the regret for even coming here. He should've known, his mouth speaking before he even really thought about it, a mistake solely on his part. 

“No, I-I’m sorry to bother you but I need to go.” 

“Y/n no-!” You were just out of reach, just falling from his hand, his stumble almost made him run into the door which you slammed closed on your way out, by the time he opened it, you were already gone. 

“Fuck…” 

***

Three Years Later 

“Thank you for coming in on such short notice.” Langris was quiet and hushed as spoke to Finral, essentially unnerving him. 

“Langris? Are you okay?” Finral almost offered to get him a glass of water but held back in fear of insulting his younger brother, even after their bettered relationship, Finral still felt there were some lines he still didn’t get to cross.

“Fine, I’m fine. I’ve asked for you because I have a proposition.” 

“A proposition?” Finral watched as Langris pulled out a long piece of paper from his desk, the edges sharp and lined with gold. As Langris laid the paper down slid it toward his older brother, Finral in return, brushing it closer, reading the words written with wide eyes. 

“I-Is this some sort of joke?!” Finral shoved the paper away, glaring at his brother, not finding one of his usual pranks so funny. After everything he’d done, what right does he have to ask this of him- to ask this of you!

“Finral-”

“No! Do you have any idea what you said did to her? I’ve seen your lows, Langris, but I didn’t think you would go this far. I thought you had made it clear you didn’t want anything to do with-”

“It was a mistake! Those words were flying out of my mouth before I even had a chance to even think of what I was saying. I know that doesn’t make it any better, but it’s the truth. Y/n doesn’t deserve that, she doesn’t even deserve me, she should have nothing but the best but… well- goddamnit I love her and I’m going to try my damn well hardest to fix what I did!” Finral couldn’t believe it, the tears filling his younger brother's eyes only fueling the shock rippling throughout his senses, freezing him. Langris loved you? Langris didn’t love anyone. 

“How do I know you're not lying, that you’re not just trying to get close to her and Lefric only to kidnap him and sell him huh?” Finral eyes his brother, suspicion ripping at his thoughts, training each opinion and speculation. 

“Lefric? Is that his name?” The smile on Langris’ face was almost unnatural, something Finral hadn’t seen in so long, a genuine smile. 

“Y-Yes.” Langris hummed, leaning back and seeming to drift away in his thoughts, probably his little paradise where he was with you and Lefric, a part of the family you had created, but the sadness clouded his eyes once again, reminded by the reality of which you hate him, and your son, his son, didn’t even know he existed.

“I don’t plan to sell my son, and I don’t plan on deceiving Y/n either, I just want another chance.” Finral sat back and looked at his brother for a long time, and several emotions ran through his eyes and face, sometimes his eyes contradicting the face he was making, and then he was completely unreadable. It was the first time Langris wanted to hear Finral speak. 

“Okay, I’ll bring her- BUT if you so much as making a suspicious glance at her OR Lefric, we are outta there!” Langris almost could hold his joy in, feeling like jumping around and throwing his hands in the air, instead he settled on a face-splitting smile that frightened his older brother. 

“Perfect! Shall we get you ready for your wedding?” 

“MY WHAT?!” 

***

Sitting in the white chair your blood boiled, simmering under your skin and scorching your veins. What was Finral thinking bringing you here, bringing Lefric here! You had the mind to struggle him in your seat right now if the music hadn’t started playing and everyone stood. Lefric hung off my you as you both turned to watch the bride walk down the aisle. 

Finesse looks gorgeous, draped in a white fabric dripping from her figure in exact seams and hems. Her veil was decorative, lace flowers growing across, she looked like a goddess. Walking toward the steps of her future matrimony, gorgeous lilies in hand, you couldn't help but think if this deity knew about her future husband's bastard child. Everyone sat back down and the priest began, looking over at Finral, you realized why he might have brought you, clutching at his slacks, he couldn’t even look up at the ceremony, eyes burning into his legs. You only slid Lefric onto one hip and grabbed Finral’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly. You were happy to feel a small squeeze back. 

The ceremony blurred as Lefric began moving, playing with your dress and hair, you couldn’t help but play with him too, making sure you were still quiet, but your playtime was halted when a sentence from the priest caught your ear. 

“Is there anyone who objects to this?” The priest turned to the crowd looking for objectors, surprise pulling at his old face when someone did. 

“I do.” The priest pulled back, babbling nothings before spitting out, “I beg your pardon?!”

“I object. I don’t love her and I don’t want this marriage.” Some people in the crowd gasped, some even laughed, others watched on in astound, frozen in their seats. You looked away from the others, catching the sad face of Finesse at the altar, as sad as she was though, the breath of relief was obvious. 

“I wouldn’t want to put Finesse through that.” Confusion wiped at her eyes, some even dotting my face with furrowed brows. Langris turned to look at me, looking as though relieved and elated. His gaze went sideways finding Finral and nodding. The brothers wordlessly switched places, much to your annoyance as you whispered questions to Finral as he walked away. Panic and anxiety bubbled up and your hold on Lefric tightened a little watching as Langris walked closer, his final steps the only thing you heard over the blood rushing your ears. 

“Y/n.” His voice was but a whisper, hesitant and tentative much like a shy child, which coming from Langris, was the least of what you expected. His eyes dropped from you and fell on your son, eyes suddenly ten times brighter. He looked as though he was going to pick Lefric up from me, but he stopped, his arms frozen awkwardly, before stiffly smoothing down his suit. His hand came down to grab my free one before turning back to the priest and saying, 

“You may continue.” The priest looked off to the parents of Langris and Finral, met with angry scowls but nodding heads, so he continued. 

Sitting beside you, he paid you no mind, never once letting go of your hand either. You thought of pulling it away, even moving your wrist a little to pull it away but you stopped. Why you don’t know, maybe it was because his hand was so warm, a warmth you’d been needing for a while. 

“And do you Finral Roulacase take Finesse to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold till death do you part?”  

“I do.” 

“And do you Finesse Calmreich, take Finral to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold till death do you part?”  

“I do!” 

“I may now pronounce you as husband and wife, you may now kiss the bride!” 

***

The reception was loud and joyful food and drinks passed around nobles and spectators mingling together, each going up and their own time to congratulate the married couple. When it came to be your turn, Langris followed you up, practically as attached to your hip as Lefric. 

“Y/n I know I’m horrible but-” 

“Congratulations Finral, I’m glad everything could work out. You two deserve each other.” You watched as Finesse smiled and squeezed at Finral’s hand. Finral smiled as he looked down at the hand clasping his, still not believing that this was truly happening. 

“Thank you, Y/n.” You nodded. 

“Of course.”  you set down your wedding gift to give to them on the table before handing over a second present. 

“So since someone has some explaining to do and you're busy, you get to watch Lefric while Langris does explain this all to me. Sound good? Good?” The end was a bit snippy, but you're already peeved off self sort-of had a right. Langris followed without command and followed you into the first empty room you could find, a simple guest room. You sat on the bed and sighed, staring up at Langis with squinted eyes, skeptical of his motives. 

“You may begin.” 

“I made a deal with Finral that if he brought you to the wedding, he would be marrying Finesse instead of me.” Never one to beat around the bush, Langris answered you with a bored tone, staring at you like he had done nothing wrong like he’d done nothing at all. 

“And what in the hell were you thinking when you did that?” You were pissed, fuse lit and burning down fast, you were ready to explode. 

“I was thinking that I love you and I want to be a family, I want to be a father to Lefric.” It was like a bucket of water had been dropped on you, efficiently washing out the burning fuse. Langris dropped to his knees and looked up at you. 

“Please, give me a chance Y/n. You wouldn’t believe how sorry I am, honest. I didn’t mean to say what I did back then, and I'm so glad you didn’t listen to my foolish ass. Please, Y/n I don’t think I can watch him grow up from the sidelines.” 

“You’ve done well so far,” you muttered, turning away from his pleading eyes which seemed to burn through you , pulling at the heart-strings you had thought you cut off. He looked away with a small sad smile, shaking his head. 

“No, I haven’t. I was there when you had your seventh-month scare, even arranging a better doctor for you. I was there when you were recovering in the hospital after giving birth. I managed to catch glimpses of him at his first birthday party but that was a bit difficult, that boy Asta moves around too much for his good. It was his second birthday, I couldn’t make it, I was sent on an assignment near the kingdom's border, and god- I was so pissed. I don’t think I’d ever seen my men so scared of me.” He stopped coming forward to drop down in front of you. Langris Vaude, on his knees, looking up at you like you were the empress which ruled his life.

“I knew that I couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t watch him from the sidelines, I wanted to see him and me… I wanted to see you.” He finished shakily, eyes dropping to the thighs he leveled with, he was sincere, honest, there was nothing much he missed more than you, even if it was only one night, no woman has ever compared to you. Looking up at you now, sharp eyes glaring at him while slowly softening as he pleaded, Langris had never felt more at home then underneath you. He was so close, closer than he’d been in four years, he didn’t even feel his arm moving from his side moving to lay on your thigh, falling in slightly. Langris knew he had you when he spotted the shiver in your back run down your thighs closing them around the fingers that slipped to touch the soft skin of your inner thighs. 

“Langris,” Your voice was stern but it wavered, frailty curving around your words as they fell from lips. “I don’t… I can’t just accept you into my life this is gonna take a lot of time. You hurt me Langris, scared me.” Your head pulled at his own, curling it up in your CV hands. 

“But I can meet you halfway, as long as you promise to do the same.” Langris felt his breath stop, looking up at you he felt like crying, he felt like screaming in joy but he settled on smiling up at you, tears welling in his eyes slowly, making his eyes shine in the lowly lit room. 

“Thank you,” He whispered, “thank you, thank you, thank you.” 

***

Six Months Later

Langris met halfway, if not more which swept you off your feet more than anything, the second Langris met Lefric he had been nothing less than a loving father, spending time with him as much as he could and even taking him out, of course only with you or Finral’s presence. If Lefric became upset, Langris was there to ask him what’s wrong and comfort him before a cry even left his lips. Family dinner became a thing every Wednesday, usually held at the Black Bulls hideout but the times where you ate with Golden Dawn commanders sometimes evening the Captain coming to join, those nights were filled with just as rich food and laughter. 

Then there were the dates, the nights Finral and Finesse took care of Lefric and left you and Langris to go out and eat, filled with flirty gestures and hearty chuckles. As much as he cared for Lefric, Langris equally cared for you, checking on you when you seemed stressed, coming to see you after coming back from a mission, even occasionally going shopping with you for small things or groceries because he wanted to be near you. With Langris as Vice-Captain and you being a guild member yourself, it was hard and there were some disagreements, old Langris even coming out a few times but he never failed to apologize, and neither did you if you were wrong, you both couldn’t afford to be petty, if he- if you both wanted this work, then you had to think about Lefric as well.

Six months doesn’t feel like much, but as you break down every moment, every decision, every soft minute, each building juncture in your budding relationship, you wouldn’t give it up for anything. To you, Langris had long proven himself and you were tired of waiting for the right time to thank him and forgive him. 

“Are you ready?” You snapped out of the recollection of events, met with the questioning eyes of a certain Vice Captain, holding his hand out for you, ready to take you home after a refined night out at some highly rated nobility restaurant. The food had been great and the wine was sweet, heavy on your tongue and you never found your mouth closed, conversation buzzing the entire night, carrying with the wind that softly blew around you both. You had come as the sun was setting, dining and watching the sunset but as the dinner went on the sun long faded and the dark sky filled your desert with stars and a chill that ran up and down your spine, dressed a little too thin. 

“Hmm? Oh yeah, sorry.” You move to get up, pushing your chair back in before taking Langris’ hand letting him lead you out, opening every door for you and letting you through first making you feel like royalty. He walked toward a carriage waiting for you both but you waved off the driver and pulled Langris back. 

“Walk with me.” He looked stunned, almost pulling back from you before catching up, walking beside you and still looking questioning. Walking for minutes on end, Langris didn’t know where you were going, but he didn’t mind, he would follow you anywhere. It was when you shivered lightly while the harsh wind blew between you, shaking the trees around you, making the leaves swish a blow in an airy sound, did Langris speak. 

“Maybe we should head back soon, it’s getting pretty cold.” He didn’t ask but he didn't pull you away either instead continuing to follow as you pulled him to a little inn. You walked in and straight to the desk lady asking for one room, pulling out your own money before Langris could think of reaching for his, he was annoyed with that and rolled his eyes averting himself from you for a bit before walking with you again when you handed the key. 

“What about Lefric?” 

“He’s with Finral and Finesse tonight.” 

“Yeah, but Finral’s is an idi- ahem! Finral is... Finral.” He settled, taking the key from your hands gently and pulling up next to your room, unlocking the door and letting you in. 

“Finral is very much capable of taking care of Lefric and if not he has Finesse! They’ll be fine, they always are, and if they aren’t, they know just how to get a hold of us.” You spoke, slipping off your thin coat and beginning to drop useless jewelry onto the side table. You stopped for a second turning to find Langris in the door staring at the room, analyzing every inch meticulously. “What?” 

“What are we doing here?” He looked back over to you, suddenly you noticed the way he gripped the key, his eyes falling down your figure while you took your time to answer. Slowly you walked from the bedside table and sat on the bed taking off your heels promptly, and sitting back in the bed looking at Langris with just as much yearning as he did you. 

“I think I’ve left you waiting long enough,” You unclipped your dress from your back and shrugged it down, bunching it at your hips halting as you looked back up at him. Watching his face fall, eyes widen and devouring every inch of naked skin they could scour, falling on your bare breast with a shuddering breath. “don’t you think?” 

The door was slammed shut, you almost feared he broke the door frame almost waiting for the door to just swing back open but it held. Langris was on you in a second and suddenly you found yourself on your back, hands pulling your dress down your legs hastily. He pulled back taking a shuddering breath as he looked at you, watching you slide your legs open waiting for him to do something, anything. Becoming a little bashful with his long stare, your legs began to droop, almost falling closed but he caught them. 

“Don’t cover yourself, Honey, it’s been so long.” His voice ending in a high whine as he slipped onto the bed, arms wrapping under your legs to set them on his lithe shoulders. Langris turned to look back up at me finding my eyes. 

“Can I touch you?” you didn’t hesitate. 

“Please!” and neither did he.

[sexkies]

WHAT DID I JUST WRITE

You were still working when you see the clock pointing at 10.

“Fuck!” you muttered as you rubbed your tired eyes. It was late and everybody already left, but there you were sitting behind your desk, glaring at your monitor trying to finish your job assignment. Why were you still there? Well, you could blame your crush Eun Jiwon for that. Earlier in the monthly meeting, your boss aka Eun fucking Jiwon, told everyone to level up your game for the upcoming game project. He asked whether any of you could accept additional work as his assistant. By assistant, he meant someone who works overtime with him including on weekends. Nobody answered his question since nobody wanted that of course. As tempting as being alone with him may sound, working overtime was just a big no no. 

Your game company was doing really fine till now anyway. Last year, GZONE, your company name, released LOVE 4 DEAD an online multiplayer zombie survival dating simulator. It quickly became a big hit among the gamer community and GZONE constantly being mentioned as one of the best new comer of game industry. So really there was no point of having anyone overworked.

To your surprise, Eun Jiwon suddenly pointed out about how close your house was with the company and how it was convenient for you. It was surprising because both of you didn’t actually talk a lot except for work related things. Upon hearing that, everyone perked up and suddenly praised you for the hard worker you were, how you never come late and always leave at last. Way to betray your own coworker. As a result, he pointed you as his assistant. Then there you were, on your sixth cup of coffee, still at work on Saturday night. Definitely not the Saturday’s date you were expecting.

You stole a glance at your boss’s office. Between the blinds, you saw Eun Jiwon staring at papers on his desk. You couldn’t help but notice his attractive figure and the dim light didn’t actually help either if any it just made him sexier. His black hair slicked to the back, dark eyes going back and fourth to his computer. Your eyes moved along his profile and stopped at his lips. Occasionally, he would open his mouth a little bit, tongue teasing you from time to time to lick his dry lips and sipped some coffee. This view alone stirred something in your guts and made you wet.

Your boss Eun Jiwon was 42 years old, married once and divorced. People at work, including you, always talk about how hot he was and how it didn't make sense a man in his 40s could still looked as good as he was. Some of your female coworkers even admitted to wear more exposed clothes to get his attention. You did it once, but it was proven to be futile since he didn’t show much interest in woman nor relationship. The last time you did it, he told you to change to something else. Don’t ever come to the office looking like that again. You gonna kill me like that. Wow, harsh. You were kinda upset about that so you stopped.

Some say it was because his trauma on marriage before that he became more careful. That was why you never really tried to make a move to him, because you were scared it would only annoy him. You were just falling in love alone hopelessly.

You were still staring at your boss when he bit his pen on the corner of his lips and suddenly turned his eyes on you. Only then you realized you were mouth agaped. Flustered, you turned your body facing your computer and spilled your coffee over your clothes.

“A C !” you jumped out from you seat.

“You alright?” you heard your boss asking you.

“Oh, yes I’m alright, sir. I just... spilled my coffee,” you answered.

“All over your shirt and pants.” He said while staring at the coffee stain.

Well that was embarrassing. First he catched you staring, second you spilled your coffee, and now he was staring at the coffee stain... on your clothes. You realized it now that your clothes were wet it slowly became transparent.

“Let’s call it a day.” He looked at the clock. “I think you ran out of focus now.”

You just nodded your head still embarrassed.

“Do you bring some spare?”

“Huh?”

“Spare clothes. Do you bring any? I have one if you want.”

“Oh... it’s alright sir, you don’t have to.”

“Oh, so you are comfortable in wet like that?” he asked you, corner of his lips twitched upward. “Not that I mind.”

His question catched you dumbfounded. You didn’t know why, but after your overdose of caffeine your spidey sense was active and it was sensing danger. “Um... I’ll fix myself in the restroom.”

You excused yourself to the restroom, but he stepped on your way and stopped you. You glanced up from your shoes and met his eyes. Wow, he looked tall from here, you never realized the height difference between the two of you.

“Wait here, I’ll give it to you.”

Jiwon went in to his office, quickly rummaged his bag and came out with a shirt and a pair of pants.

“Here.”

You stared at the clothes on his hands. Not sure whether to accept his kindness or not. The idea of wearing your own boss’s clothes never crossed your mind before. And by the look of it, it was clean but used.

“It’s clean, if that’s what you’re worrying about. Well... relatively.”

“Alright.”

You finally accepted it, since your clothes started to feel sticky and it smelled like coffee. Taking a bus in this state would be embarrassing and uncomfortable. You quickly went to restroom to change. You noticed how wet your panty were. Wow, fuck. I was just staring at him. What happen if he really fucks me? You noticed the smell emanated from his clothes and inhaled it deeply. It was a mix of cigs, cologne and a bit of alcohol.

“Oh, it smells... intoxicating.” You said while closing your eyes, mind wondering about his body.

After tidying yourself and calming yourself down, you came out from the restroom and found the lights in Jiwon’s office were already out. You figured out he already went home and you missed your chance to thank him. So you quickly packed your things and left the floor.

By the time you came out from the lift, you found Jiwon standing still near the corner of hallway with his back on the wall humming the twinkle twinkle little star. With his face facing the opposite way, you could clearly see his handsome side profile. Man, you can hurt someone with that sharp jawline. Perhaps because it was after work, you noticed his top botton undone revealing some of his skin. Something you couldn’t usually witness at work. It looked like he was waiting for someone tho. “A date perhaps? It’s Saturday night after all. I wonder if he’s dating someone from the company.”

“Oh, you done?” he asked while straightening his posture then walked closer to you. He bent his body next to you and took your bag. The familiar smell was coming back. His smell. Now closer, you could see his neck adorned with veins. You could even peeked inside his shirt finding his chest. You bit your lower lip holding back the urge to jump on him and kiss his whole existence. One fucking botton was enough to drive you crazy.

“You okay with my clothes?” He asked holding your gaze. You nodded coming back to reality. “Thank you.”

Jiwon put one of his hand on your back giving you a gentle push, made you shiver a bit. You unconsciously walked with him side by side to the exit door. When both of you stepped out, Jiwon’s black car already parked right outside the office.

“Come, I’ll give you a ride. Your house is not far anyway.” He said to you while opening the passenger’s door. “It’s already late. I can’t let you go home alone. It’s too dangerous.”

Perhaps you made a face, so he laughed. “It’s okay, I won’t bite.”

Well, he was right, it was late. You needed to wait at least 15 mins for the bus to come, so yeah why not, you could save some money this way. It was definitely not you making excuse to normalize spending time with your boss. Not just you were wearing your boss’s clothes, now you were sitting in your boss’s car. At this rate you wouldn’t even surprise if you woke up on his bed. Lol u wish.

His car was really him. Everything was black with a little red here and there and looked luxurious but not too much, it was cool and classy. You noticed some plastic containing KFC left over on dashboard and an ukulele in the backseat. Oh you didn’t know he played.

“You good? You are quiet.” His question brought you back.

“Oh, I’m just admiring your car, sir.”

“Yeah? Cool huh? Kinda messy tho haha.” As if on cue, Jiwon gathered the KFC left over in a plastic and put it somewhere you couldn’t see.

“It’s a nice car. I see an ukulele in the backseat. Do you play, sir?”

“Oh that? Yeah. I just learned it recently tho. Haven’t mastered it yet.” His eyes lighted up when you asked him about ukulele. “Anyway, just drop the sir. We’re off work now. Just speak casually with me.”

“Well, I... I’ll try my best, sir. I mean, um...yes... Jiwon.” Oh no you hated it. You hated it because just calling him by his name made you flustered. Get a grip you.

“That’s more like it. It makes us a bit closer.”

You choked on your own breath. You stole a glance to Jiwon only to find him moving closer to you, made your heart skipped a beat. Jiwon put his one hand on the door handle and another to the back of your seat, made sure you couldn’t escape. Now his presence looming over you. Fuck. Suddenly the temperature was rising. His face kept coming closer to you, eyes locked to yours, but you couldn’t turn away, no you didn’t want to turn away. Oh his smell. The mix of cigs, cologne and alcohol. It’s so intoxicating. Your heartbeat quickened, your body getting hot and you became dizzy so you closed your eyes. *Click* you swallowed hard as you could feel his breath was getting closer and hotter on your neck. Tickling.

But the kiss you were waiting for never came, so you opened your eyes again. Jiwon still facing you, just some inches apart, nose almost touching.

“Why did you close your eyes?” He smirked.

“No, I- I just-“ you couldn’t answer him. “I feel hot.”

“Why? The AC is on.”

“It...it doesn’t matter. What were you doing?”

“I was just putting your seat belt on.”

You looked at your seat belt. Oh he really put mine on.

“Were you expecting something?” he licked his lips teasing you.

You couldn’t answer him and just whimpering. He knows.

“I saw you staring at me back then. Did you like what you see?” he purred in low voice.

Jiwon started to caress your face. He played with your plump lips while licking his own.

“That wasn’t the first time. What were you thinking while staring at me? Did you think about fucking with me?”

“As for me.. “ He suddenly grabbed your neck roughly and put it beside his. “I definitely like what I see.” He whispered.

“You didn’t know did you? I was trying to hold myself back there, being alone with you at the office.” He slipped his hand in your shirt caressing your back unclipping your bra, sending a shiver down your spine while the other one stroking your thighs making it way upward unbottoning your pants. You could only holding to his shirt for dear life.

“My mind kept wondering how it feels to fuck you on my desk.” He finally kissed your neck leaving his marks while you tried hard to repress your moan.

“Or on my sofa?” His hands unbottoning your shirt and getting rid of your bra, revealing your breast.

“Or do you want me to spread you on meeting room?!” He bit your neck and a moan escaped from your lips.

“Oh..and then you spilled your coffee. Did you do that intentionally? Looking all wet in front of me?!” He kissed you down to your breast while his hand playing with the other one. Caressing and pinching them. You grasped for his hair, you didn’t even hide your moan anymore.

“You fucking turn me on. You wearing my clothes and shit!” Jiwon suddenly put his fingers in you, three at once ignoring your cry.

“Ahh! It hurts, sir! it hurts!”

“I said call me by my name!”

“Ji-Jiwon-ah! It hurts!”

“Ohh but do you want me to stop?” he smiled slyly knowing you wouldn’t say stop.

“No...ahhh.”

“You’re so fucking wet for me.” He chuckled darkly while kept pushing his finges in and out roughly.

“It makes me hard, fuck.” He grunted while biting his lower lip.

You closed your eyes out of ecstacy. “Ah Jiwon-ahh...please...”

“Please what? What are you begging for?” Jiwon pushed his fingers even faster now made it hard to breathe

“Please...ah fuck me, Jiwon-ah.”

Jiwon suddenly pulled out his fingers and moved back to his seat still facing you. He put up one of his leg on his seat, showing his clothed hard bulge. He licked his fingers one by one tasting your juice. He took out a pack of cigs from his pocket. Malboro gold touch written on the package. He pulled one out, lighted it up and put it on his lips.

“You still have a seat belt on.” He blew the smoke to you.

“Take it off then you can have this.” He pointed at his own dick teasing you.

“But once you take it off, there’s no turning back.” His smirk looked so sexy.

It didn’t take you long to decide. You were rushing so you found it hard to take the seat belt off. You jumped out of it instead and rushed to Jiwon now on your four. You unbottoned his pants to see his shaft sprung out to live. It was already hard and dripping with precum.

“Fuck.” Jiwon gasped when you touched his shaft. He was already sensitive that even a little touch could drive him crazy.

You rubbed it slowly and put it in your mouth, sucking every inch of it. From the tip to the base to the balls. Jiwon pushed your head deeper sometimes making you gag at the size. You heard Jiwon swearing from time to time and it only made you even wet. He would sucked on his cigs and hissed at you enjoying your tongue. Sometimes he dropped the ashes on your back, made you bend deeper and moan. You knew he was getting closer when he threw his head backward.

“Shit... shit... ah fuck...I’m... close....”

“Ah fuck!” Jiwon grasped, he held your head with his dick deep and finally released his cum inside your mouth. You gladly swallowed it.

Both of you were staring at each other and breathing erratically. That was it you thought. You made this man came. The man you had loved all this time. You didn’t expect that Jiwon would find you hot and actually got so aroused by you like this. The man that you thought was so unreachable. You were almost smiling until suddenly Jiwon put his hand on your neck choking you.

“You thought it was over? No, it’s not.” He smiled mischievously.

He finally kissed you hard, his hands both on your head trying to pull you closer. His breath reeked of cigs. His lips tasted like nothing you had ever tasted before, it was sweet and bitter. Oh, the lips I’ve been waiting for so long. You wrapped your hands behind his neck slowly down to his back leaving some subtle red scars. He bit your lips and sucked it again and again. His tongue asked for an entrance and you gladly offered it. Both of you exchanging saliva, sucking at each other’s tongue. Moans escaped between kisses.

“You taste like strawberry.” He said while smiling.

He kissed your eyes, your cheeks, went along to kiss your ears and played with it a little.

“Ah..” you moaned softly. “Jiwon-ah...”

“Fuck, I can’t hold it back anymore.”

Hearing you calling his name drove him nuts. He ended the kiss abruptly and hastily put you on top of him. Didn’t even give you a chance to adjust, he slipped his shaft inside you making you scream.

“Ah, Jiwon-ah! Jiwon-ah!”

“Yeah scream like that, scream my name.” He was aroused with your screams.

You screamed his name even louder with each thrust. He kissed your lips to shut you up. He pushed and pulled you up and down against his shaft filling you up completely. He made you rode him like a fucking rodeo he was. His movement was rough and he kept swearing while pulling your hair as if it was a chanting to hold his cum. Your brain was a mess and you felt like you were being ripped from inside.

“You are so fucking tight. Fucking hot inside.” Jiwon thrust even faster now while biting your neck. You also moved your hips to match his pace. The sound of his dick clamping on your pussy made you hornier. You threw your head backward and turned into a moaning saga.

“Jiwon-ah, ah I’m near.”

“No, not that fast honey.” Jiwon grabbed your ass and carefully angled his dick and found your g spot.

“Ah there, Jiwon-ah, fuck me there, please.”

As if on cue, Jiwon fucked you even harder. His dick kept aiming the same right spot and it sent you straight to heaven. You couldn’t stay still and kept bending your body, unconsciously making his job easier. The whole car was shaking now.

“You are so fucking  beautiful.”

“Jiwon-ah, please let me come. I’m cumming. I’m cumming.” You cried losing your mind.

“Kiss me.” He pleaded to you as he started to lose his pace signaling that he was close too. He pushed deep inside you making sure his juice wouldn’t go wasted. Both of you moaned and came at the same time. Hot juice filling your inside dripping out from you pussy.

“Fucking hellahhh.”

You fell on top of Jiwon, head on his shoulder. Both of you panting.

“That was amazing.” Jiwon chuckled, he kissed your forehead softly. “It’s been a while since the last time I moved my hips so much.”

“It hurts...”

“You need to get used to it. That’s how we’ll play from now on.” He laughed lightly.

Now that you were calm down, both of you tidied up and went home for real. The car ride filled with lots of chat. You didn’t know Jiwon could be so talkative. He talked a lot when it came to music. He told you about his favorite miami bass so you told him how you listened to Plug in Baby by MUSE as lullaby at night. About his childhood dream to be an idol, about how he almost debuted with SECHSKIES but then quit after realizing he wouldn’t have enough time to play game as an idol. He told you about his ukulele, he made that in Hawaii.

“Maybe if I already mastered it, I’ll sing a song for you.”

I ain’t gonna write for a long time after this thank you no.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: [a picture of the lil card thingy on the bulletin board or wherever] Jimmy: Oi Jimmy: you still doing that? Janis: Yeah Janis: 10 euro Mon-Fri for a 20 min walk Jimmy: You do longer or what? Janis: Yeah, that's on lunch break but after School hours I can put it on an hour group walk Janis: between 4-10, pick any hour you want Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: depends what shift I'm on Jimmy: don't have to sign in blood or owt, do I? Janis: won't give you a discount if you do Jimmy: gutted Janis: 'course Janis: if you need weekends and all, I can give you a tenner off but that's it Jimmy: might do Jimmy: sounds like you're cheaper than my sister Janis: weird flex Janis: you know dogs like routine, yeah? Jimmy: 🐕 'll be 💔 on your time Janis: when do you want me to start? Jimmy: tomorrow do you? Janis: Fine by me Janis: get me a key cut, [park name] work for you? Jimmy: 👍 Janis: oh, is there anything I need to know about it Janis: actual like it can't be let off the lead, or bullshit like all the 'allergies' it has Jimmy: up to you that, she won't come back if you do Janis: if you're planning on no-showing Janis: or you ain't got a dog Janis: 1. you won't be the first Janis: 2. i will smack the shit out of you Jimmy: 1. love a park, me Jimmy: 2. [a picture of Twix] Janis: 1. i'm not walking you, btw Janis: 2. put a paper with today's date in it so i know it's real Jimmy: 1. 💔 Jimmy: 2. [does and has doodled on the paper like a nerd] Janis: 1. and I don't babysit humans so leave your sister at home as well Janis: 2. 👍 Janis: give a fuck if you've nicked it, long as you've cut the microchip out Jimmy: 1. only 'cause she'd smack the shit outta you, mate, there's another weird flex for you Jimmy: 2. wouldn't nick nowt that looked like that, tah Janis: 1. not my business that you wanna fuck your sister Janis: 2. and i don't nick nothing so you can trust me with your house key 👌 Jimmy: 1. it ain't that grim up north, but alright Jimmy: 2. crack on, nowt worth having any road Janis: anyone with shit to take has cameras all over the gaff, you're alright Jimmy: only got the one in the 🧸's 👀 Jimmy: stay out my little brother's room and you're alright an' all Janis: not the nonce, new boy Jimmy: 💔 for you Janis: euro, not sympathy Janis: take pound, if that's all you got but no credit either Jimmy: lived here long enough to do the change over Jimmy: nowt but the accent sticks Janis: either way, not gonna be on the BBC any time soon with the latest headlines Janis: 💔 Jimmy: hang on, I'll get my 🎻out Jimmy: earn the 💰 while I'm there Janis: give a fuck how you get it, long as you can afford me Jimmy: you ain't that expensive, girl Jimmy: we've done that bit Janis: competitively priced Jimmy: 🏆👏 Janis: definitely not getting paid in applause Janis: we're done here, yeah? Jimmy: What if I'm REALLY good at it? Janis: HIGHLY doubt it Jimmy: whatever you've heard is bollocks Jimmy: can go and on when I get going 👏 Janis: no need to tell me Janis: this is really dragging Jimmy: dry your eyes, mate Janis: what's it called? Jimmy: Twix Janis: 😏 Janis: How sweet Jimmy: funny Janis: not the crappest name I've heard Jimmy: rather it were Jimmy: 🥇 is better than nowt Janis: I fake that I like theirs to their faces Janis: no reason I can't fake the opposite to yours Janis: all part of the service Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you can pay each day or weekly Jimmy: how does every other dickhead do it? Janis: depends on the dickhead Janis: the ones that never wanna see the help just drop bank in my account monthly Janis: most people do weekly though, then you only have to 👀 me once every Janis: unless you're a lonely 👵 or letchy 👴 then get the pleasure of seeing you every single day for a chat, obvs Jimmy: there you go then Jimmy: busted 👴 Janis: Hooray Janis: be easy, give it me at school, right? Jimmy: Long as Mr Lucas ain't about Jimmy: don't need no ideas, him Janis: ugh 🙄 he's one computer sweep away from mysteriously fucking off one day and none of the others having anything to say about it Jimmy: makes nonce look well fit though Jimmy: better hit him up for tips before he goes Janis: you had Janis: busy boy Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: Later Jimmy: [later] Jimmy: if I ain't got a 🔑 for you, that the whole thing off? Janis: just saves time, which is typically why people hire me Janis: but if you're in or can drop the dog to me, don't matter, I guess Jimmy: alright Janis: not have time or not trust us? Jimmy: take your pick Jimmy: well generous like that, me Janis: long as you're paying, give a fuck Janis: you've still got that, yeah? Jimmy: I heard, don't 👏 throw 💰 Janis: that's where the parallels between this and the club end Jimmy: earning it for you now, my dear Jimmy: keep calm and crack on Janis: 💘 Janis: try keep your burns 2nd degree n below Jimmy: spoilsport Janis: fine Janis: just aim the steam thing away from your face Janis: if you get sacked, so do I now Jimmy: disability'll pay Jimmy: be alright Janis: go for your life then, new boy Jimmy: tah Janis: anytime Jimmy: 4-10 Janis: oddly people don't want me taking their dogs in the middle of the night Janis: who'd've thought it Jimmy: bit rude that Jimmy: no trust nowadays 👴 Janis: they just wanna be the ones to murder me Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: whatever floats your ⛵ lads Janis: oh, cheers Jimmy: can't be the only 🐕🗨 about, you Janis: only one you could afford Janis: reason you found the ad Jimmy: I might be a secret millionaire Jimmy: wouldn't be the most bollocks rumour going about Janis: give me more money and I'll spread that one instead Jimmy: piss off Janis: worth a shot Jimmy: miss all them you don't take, girl Janis: they got that on a poster near the maths block, don't they Jimmy: probably Jimmy: got shot right into the bin though, didn't it? Janis: 🗑 Janis: only I'm that good a shot, 2nd attempt, I'll believe Jimmy: still 🎯 Janis: you like 👏 or what Jimmy: don't have to like something to be good at it Jimmy: told you I were Janis: that's about the ☕ init? Jimmy: told you to take your pick an' all so Jimmy: whatever floats your ⛵ lass Janis: not info we need to share for this to still be on Jimmy: be a bit weird if it were Janis: fake 👴 Jimmy: in my day if the 🗨 weren't over a fence it didn't count for nowt Janis: get some 🌳 to lurk in Jimmy: have a row about cutting 'em an' all Jimmy: win win Janis: hot Jimmy: I know Jimmy: 💔 the 🐕 ain't gonna get stuck up a tree but a 😭 story for another day, that Jimmy: I'll save it til you're on the clock Janis: ❌ animal abuse, even casual, cost way more than you got Jimmy: well sure of the contents of my pockets, you Jimmy: can have a full wallet AND be pleased to see you Janis: God Janis: maybe you are 👴 alright, don't need to go that hard to prove it Jimmy: but you're just THAT 🥇 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: yeah yeah Janis: you're on the clock, I get it Janis: ain't a customer though Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 for you Janis: if that's how your chat goes, I'm alright for it Janis: and the shit coffee Jimmy: nowt an overpriced latte can't cure Jimmy: my chat included Janis: wrong twin Jimmy: nah Jimmy: she don't need the hard sell Jimmy: nowt I can do to be rid of her Janis: don't claim her Janis: or her slag behaviour Jimmy: me either Janis: pleased for you, honestly Jimmy: no need to 👏 Jimmy: leave it to the pros Janis: not 👏 for either of you Janis: have to pay you damages if you was part of her body count Janis: cba Jimmy: your apathy is 🤤🤤🤤 Janis: clearly Jimmy: warn us next time Jimmy: trying to keep this professional here Janis: you're doing SO good Janis: 🤤🤤🤤 Jimmy: leave that for the 🐕 Janis: SO weird, new kid Jimmy: been said Janis: bears repeating Jimmy: all 👂 Janis: not now Jimmy: part-timer Janis: I wish Jimmy: you're alright, got Asia in my DMs, bound to be what she's saying Janis: save me the summary Janis: I've heard all 2 thoughts she has already Jimmy: me an' all Jimmy: soz if you reckoned you were special Janis: 💔💔💔 Jimmy: #relatable Janis: she must be telling you why she ain't in today Janis: hair or nails, that's the question Jimmy: hang on Jimmy: 💅 DUH Janis: how else do you show off how little you do with your hands Janis: silly me Jimmy: have a word with yourself, honestly Janis: I would Janis: but you're so chatty, can't get a word in Jimmy: 🤐 Jimmy: there you go Janis: so generous, I heard Jimmy: 👍 Janis: what time you coming today Janis: you not said Jimmy: [a time] Janis: alright Jimmy: can do a bit later if you need Jimmy: but no earlier Janis: can make that time Janis: loads of my usuals are either off to walk their dogs or their kids are so Jimmy: unlucky Janis: yeah Janis: least it's not the only way of making money I got Jimmy: the club, I heard Jimmy: and the theft Jimmy: bet you get written into loads of 👴 wills an' all Janis: those the rumours? Jimmy: just what you said Janis: no bother, if I needed shit spreading, I'd go to your punters well before you Jimmy: would be a good shout Janis: not stupid Jimmy: nor northern 💔🎻😭 Jimmy: can't win 'em all, Judith Janis: says you Jimmy: it were me who typed that yeah Janis: soz, so many 🐶🗨 Jimmy: loads of bitches here an' all Jimmy: funny that Janis: not special, I remember Jimmy: none of us are, mate Janis: deep, barista boy Jimmy: be about right Janis: print that one on the cups or is that an original thought? Jimmy: SUCH a deep cut Janis: nah Janis: we ain't having that much fun Jimmy: no need to tell me, had my 😭 about it Janis: Poor baby Jimmy: loads of them here an' all if you want one Janis: 👶? Jimmy: I get it, you're thinking what'll I do Jimmy: don't worry I'll live, keep a few spare out the back Janis: yes, I'm well concerned about you Jimmy: you heard, no need Janis: can't help being nice, boy Jimmy: it's your blessing and/or curse, Jasmine Jimmy: nowt to do with me Janis: who brings a baby to a coffee shop Jimmy: what kind of question is that? Janis: serious one Janis: what kind of selfish dickhead Jimmy: the kind who'd call themselves a yummy mummy or whatever bollocks else Jimmy: massive group of 'em are having a sesh Janis: ew Janis: least there'll be less in the park Jimmy: tah @ the CG Jimmy: job done Janis: if only you could lock 'em in and turn the gas on Janis: 😍 Jimmy: could Janis: don't be a tease Jimmy: or what? Janis: Something bad must happen Janis: or they wouldn't say it Jimmy: ask Mr Lucas Jimmy: he knows Janis: what doesn't he Janis: galaxy brain to teach R.E. Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: when you go postal, make sure my sister is in there and I'll make it worth your while anyway Jimmy: hot Janis: 'course Jimmy: ain't the rumour Janis: ? Jimmy: 🥶🧊👑 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: weren't a denial Janis: What's to deny? Janis: the lads that spread that look like 🐁 Janis: not claiming them in a hurry tah Jimmy: you can just say every lad about, it's alright Jimmy: won't dob you in to your paddy ancestors or owt Janis: you said it, not me Jimmy: I did do Janis: you think you're well 😍 then, yeah? Jimmy: don't think about bollocks like that, too #deep Janis: 🤓 Janis: got it Jimmy: leave that one out of the rumour pile Jimmy: just ain't believable Jimmy: *😎 Janis: answered my question there Janis: smug Jimmy: 💔 Janis: 😘 Jimmy: 🥶🧊👑 Janis: 🐁 Jimmy: bollocks Janis: and? Janis: so's that for all you know Jimmy: never said it weren't Janis: you've said it twice, don't need to Jimmy: I've took the piss twice Jimmy: not taken it as gospel Janis: whatever Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: don't need the truth on 😎 or 🥵🔥👑 for this either Janis: just bring the 🐶 when you're done Jimmy: weren't offering it but alright Janis: then I can save you as 🐁🤓 and move on with my day Jimmy: don't need to save me as nowt, my dear Janis: easier than talking to a load of numbers Jimmy: what do we need to talk about? Janis: the 🐶 and the 💰 Jimmy: you'll get both Jimmy: 🗨 done Janis: you're the one who's shifts change, apparently Janis: so you'll need to tell me when Janis: it's no deeper than that Jimmy: @ my manager then, dickhead Janis: I'm being practical Janis: not a mindreader as well as a dogwalker, so you don't need to get aggro, dickhead Jimmy: you're being a dickhead 'cause I said you were 🥶🧊👑 Janis: No need is there Janis: just drop it Jimmy: 👏 Jimmy: peacemaker and 🐕🗨 Janis: Go be a twat somewhere else Jimmy: you wanna get 💰 or what? Jimmy: no tips if you've got a mard on Janis: don't see 🙂 anywhere in my job description Janis: work with animals not basic bitches Jimmy: ain't a massive difference Janis: less 🔊 Jimmy: depends on the 🐕 Jimmy: mine never shuts up Janis: I can wear 🎧 'cos don't need to hear their order Janis: un🍀 Jimmy: I can lip read Jimmy: and our menu ain't that grand Janis: obvs coming back for all your talents Jimmy: it were you who called the coffee shit Jimmy: what else could it be? Janis: dunno Janis: not as if I've ever had any Janis: hoping they were at least partially in it for their caffeine addiction Jimmy: for the #aesthetic Janis: 🙄 Janis: 'course Jimmy: if you need a selfie for your ad the lighting is 🔥🔥🔥 Janis: if ever I wanna put 'em in a phonebox Jimmy: kill off a couple of the 👴💕 Janis: only once I'm in the will, obvs Janis: counterintuitive otherwise Jimmy: duh babes Janis: can you not Jimmy: obvs Janis: then don't Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: 👌 Janis: 👋 Jimmy: 😘

[tamiddyinyourcity]

3:16pm.

Coming to terms with things.

Tuesday, April 21st of 2020.

Overall thoughts on the Rowan thing:

Annoyance at him not really seeing what he did wrong, or at the very least acknowledging that, yes, you REALLY shouldn't make it seem like you're romantically attached to a person, even blatantly saying so, if you're gonna turn around and say "Well, I don't think I was very relationshippy with you".... Okay, Mr. Platonically Sending 60 Bucks Just To See You Orgasm. With great hits like "You're The Only Person Who Cares about Me Like This", "Shifting Sleep Schedules", "If Not For (insert excuse here) then I'd Love to Date You", and so much more! Purchase the lies now for 19.99! Or pay with AfterPay in separate monthly installments! :)

He could've been lying since I hurt his feelings by trying to end the friendship, (and some of the shit I had said after he absolutely pissed me off with that whore comment of his,) but I could not care any less by now.

Annoyance at why I even bother to believe I can connect with anyone. Like damn, if its gonna be nonstop "watch as this dude tries to shift this strictly sexual relationship into more, but still loathes commitment and will do the same to other people", or "watch as this lonely depressed chick starts getting feelings for this guy, and then abruptly leaves to avoid sabotaging what may already be a damaged relationship if she sticks around", then, whats the point?

I miss the days when I could just 100% refuse to believe anything a man says ever. I'm at 70%, and the 30% was "Yeah sure, I'll believe him when he says he cares for me, I'll believe him when hes making suicidal and depressed rants online, and I'll believe him when he says he does like me!"

God, I hate being attracted to men. He had ONE JOB? ONE JOB. IT WAS SOOOOOO EASY. AND HE STILL COULDNT DO IT.

Could've just said "I see you only as a good friend and nothing more", "I do like you but I'm not going to date you ever", or anything. It was extremely necessary.

And he just played the bullshit card by not being 100% about either. Jesus. I loathe when that happens. If all I wanna do is get a confirmation that can solidify a friendship and help me move on, why was that so hard? And if he did have feelings for me, why not just express the desire to act on them?

But either way, he didn't, since he didn't want to. And was too pussy or selfish to just say he wanted to be strictly friends. He claimed it was since he didn't want to say something that could be taken back later, but????? People can always take back a statement....

Since if we ended up being longer term friends, and he hit me with the "I've developed a certain amount of feelings for you that aren't platonic card", imagine how peaceful that would've been.

It happens. Plenty of people have even straight up confirmed they hated me to the highest extent, but oh look, we still ended up dating/fucking/hanging out to this day. Even Marco, who I have very little respect for, and who I maybe even loathe to an extent, who has pulled the "Stay the fuck away from me I never want to fucking see you again" card on me, which I have also dealt back, is now the guy who I gave the link to for my bluetooth vibrator.

Since, to put it simply, people can be fickle as fuck.

If they weren't, then the several incidents of "Let's just be friends", with Patrick #1, Patrick #2, Marco, Zack #1, and Calvin, wouldn't have all gone the way they did.

People can be unpredictable, or easily convinced. (But to be fair, those were instances where people that supposedly loathed me still liked me to an extent, which lead to.... shut up, you already know, no need for me to repeat anything.)

So, I guess I'm just a little sad that communication did not happen sooner. Or at least, that he didn't tell me how he felt bluntly, or openly say however he had felt to an extenr, or that I chose the much softer route of talking, instead of "thats it, he gave me a two word reply twice in a row, hes self centered as fuck and i need to leave ASAP NO ROCKY."

Aaaaaaand maaaaaybe if I had insisted on a video call sooner or something, instead of yknow, cursing his bitch ass out..... maaaaaaaaybe it could have gone better instead of the situation furiously escalaaaaating to him no longer wanting me in his life anymoooooore.

But, that also was the point, so.

I doubt he would've been honest, or that I would've been unhurt enough to stick around, either way. I like that stupid asshole fucker with the stupid ass beard and crackhead eyes (im ticcing as i type sorry but it feels good to write all the words out) and its a shame it went that way.

Gonna avoid the urge to curse him out one more time for good measure, since that didn't exactly work well last time. (He wasn't really hurt by my words at all, moreso annoyed that I had stooped pretty low.)

Still, fuck him for leading me on and lying to me. (Hell, I still barely know the truth now, buuuuuut it probably doesn't matter, since I was cruel to him either way, so like....)

It's a cross between "i hate this son of a bitch for trying to make me seem crazy and gaslight me", "oh dear god its like that situation with my ex from before, goddamn it, why do men suck so much and why did i bother falling for it when i knew he was still a whore", and "i feel bad for not urging him to be honest since i know he struggles with communication and we needed a softer way to see the other's perspective, instead of the harsh route that was taken with the idea of self preservation in my mind".

I'm sure he's okay, the other people always end up being okay. If he's reading this or some shit, 1) You're super fucking weird, why are you still reading this? You asshole. I curse when I get nervous, it's a bad habit and coping mechanism to avoid saying something nice that I feel like I may regret, or feel unappreciated over when saying, you asshole, fuck you. And 2) drink some water and take your meds. Also, stop holding in your piss, you can really fuck up your body by doing that.

I would write the sentence "I care", but I can't, and it would lead to me internally swearing at myself for bothering to want to write nice things about a person who I feel spited by.

So, just take your meds and drink your water. I'm still annoyed by you, and you've probably ruined my trust in others very well, and that alone is something I would want to ruin someone's life over.

Whatever, hes not even gonna read this. I like him and care for him, but even post-argument, his inability to actually make it clear however he perceives me disgusts and upsets me to the highest measure.

It leaves me with the sad feeling of "what if he still would've liked me enough to try if not for my harsh words/would i get an apology then?", and the annoyed reality of "he still would probably suck you in without being real about shit."

Ugh, gross.

I never like having feelings for anyone, and should probably stop soon. Watching those Call Me Kevin videos where he purposely makes negative decisions kinda helped me learn to care less at whatever people do, so I should probably watch those again soon.

God bless and amen.

3:55pm. I also found my Bluetooth headphones, all my long lost lotions from last summer to smell like pineapple, lillies, and plums again.... And spent a fuckton of money on self-care items, like a tea kettle for my bedroom when I can't leave bed, but need to drink tea first thing in the morning, or enjoy oatmeal. Some fancy Last Call jewelry on Macy's. Sexy combat boots. Cute leather flats. Aaaaaaand some general stuff like aloe gel or whatever.

Might treat myself to some body butters, since The Body Shop has free shipping and 6 dollar jars..... yall..... I'm always soft as hell and smelling good with that shit, aaaaye. I EVEN ORDERED SATIN SHEETS, AAAAAAAAA IM ABOUT TO BE SO DAMN FUCKABLE THIS WEEEEK.

During quarantine, my ass has gotten nice and bouncy from all the food, and my nails have grown super long, hand scars clearing up.....

Hoping to learn to get even more flexible than I already am soon. Learn to do the splits in 30 days? Oatmeal for breakfast, 2 cups of black tea every day, and aloe gel on my eyes before bed? Steak and brown rice meal prep for dinner each night/Chipotle when I can?

Plus mandarins and apple sauce for in between.

Aaaaand olive oil + me finding all of my candles = hot oil massages.

My skin gets so soft these days. Thank fuck I stocked up on Veet and those CVS body washes so often, like bro..... They're only 2 to 7 bucks? Sometimes even cheaper, and work way better than any other normal brand can work in terms of sealing in moisture, and the scent, forreal.....

Aaaaaaa i am excited for the glow up to happen.

4:04pm.

I just thought of the time my ex went, "Wow, you smell really good", and sniffed my neck hella hard after sex.

That was the last time we had sex. It was nice, if only things turned out differently, you know?

If I close my eyes and focus hard enough, I can relive the memory.... I like being able to do that, but admittedly, it has major pros and cons.....

.....

A little sad at the thought of it.

I miss him. Breakups are never really easy. But I'm sure that he's still as dandy as usual, with his ugly ass glasses and fucked up ass nose and face, (i need to stop writing when upset, jesus absolute heck,) and I don't care how he is doing. That is a lie. Our relationship was substantial, and I resent that things ended so terribly for us. And him, since he's also just a massive asshole and a cunt, but thats okay, let's change topics.

It's a shame me and Patrick #1 ended on bad terms, too.

Not my damn fault he wanted to be a pissbaby at me calling him on a weekend, but oh fuckin well.

Siiiiiiiigh.

Anyway, time to eat more of that giant burrito my brother gave me. It really did last three days.... Peace out.