#old fashioned old school femme 4 butch | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

totoroses · 7 years

Text

i found this lesbian survey and decided to fill it out!

Femme or butch? is this what do i prefer or which i am? im a femme and i have no preference in dating, i’ve been wildly attracted to both and any in between

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it. the only nearly completely common denominator though my exes are having brown eyes? i have dated only one person who did not have brown eyes. i always feel safer looking into brown eyes then blue. i woudl say i have often gone after the romantic artsy type with good music taste and some kind of signature style about them, ironically none of which drew me to my current girlfriend who i believe is probably defintiely the love of my life

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? leather jackets! i will swoon over smartly dressed gals in button downs as well as a chill gal in some plaid unbuttoned flannel but the two together make me think of a lumberjack

Describe your style. i usually go for one of two styles- softly dressed forest wanderer, or slightly sassy soft grunge. both include my doc martens, but one is more natural colours and old fashioned dresses and the other is sassy tshirts and 90sish thrift store finds like denim and dark florals

Describe your aesthetic.pressed flowers between the pages of a book on forest spirits, rose milk tea, silver rainy downpours, curly baby hairs, white peaches, a cat sleeping in a library, custard pastries, a circle of mushrooms in moss, opals and furry moths

Favorite article of clothing? my one forever 21 dress ive had since like junior year that i can wear without a bra and it has like a cool cross back i just looooveee ittt, then also my embroidered minty 1930s style qipao sort of dress

Favorite pair of shoes? my doc martens and green chinese embroidered lace up slippers

Current haircut? currently blonde (ugh) and currently my hair falls just past my breasts, the goal is to grow it to my bellybutton!

Any haircut goals for the future? i really wanna get on the thick fluffy bangs bandwagon but i dont think i have the stamina to put up with growing them out again smh

Describe the best date you’ve been on. there was this one date i went on with one of my high school girlfriends where we went to a bookstore and hung out and then stuck googly eyes all over my city on random monuments and street signs, and we also ate thai food and listened to music and it was still one of the most lovely dates. BUT my girlfriend recently visited me in taiwan and we went in a glass bottom gondola ride up a mountain and drank from coconuts and wandered through old streets and had the most amazing tea food with a spectacular view and it was heaven

Describe the worst date you’ve been on. probably the one where i went on a picnic with my first girlfriend who then broke up with me that same day and even though our entire relationship was so awkward and not what is should have been it still hurt so bad

Single? Taken? taken!

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife! where do i begin! my girlfriend is a slightly shorter than me girl named lynn who loved korean variety shows, drinking coca cola, listening to cheesy love songs, and playing tricks on people (especially me). she used to be a major tomboy in middle and high school and date all the girls and get slapped a lot, as well as mess with teachers and play pranks on them and steal things from their lunchboxes. more than half of her birthchart including sun, rising, and venus are scorpio, and she wants to start her own streetstyle online brand but has not yet found a catchy brand name!

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife? :)

Describe your dream wedding my girlfriend says if we get married we need two, a traditional chinese wedding (she is from china) and a western one with a priest since i am catholic, and i couldnt agree more. my dream wedding includes just very close friends and family, extravagant lights and flowers and a reception party playlist chosen by me, catered by the teahouse we went to in taiwan. i know its so silly and superficial but i want the dreamiest dress that i design, wisteria everywhere, and most of all i just want lynn at the end of the alter looking stunning in whatever it is she decides to wear

Do you want kids? YES me and lynn talk about this a lot because we both love kids and both agree on at least 4, no more than 8. and we will share who carries the kids so not just one of us is having our uteruses worn out

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? guilin, china. but its a fantasy. guilin is real and beautiful but chinese laws make it so that even if we settle down there and build a house it cant truly belong to us, and in china you cant have a private business and it jsut sucks because the drema is to live in the quiet countryside with a simple life and beautiful scenery to explore together and with our children

Favorite lesbian movie? i love so many but im gonna go with the handmaiden!

Favorite lesbian novel/story? i havent read nearly enough, but adore all things by malinda lo and julie anne peters! ash by malinda lo is probably my favourite. i have to still read sarah waters though, i hear she reigns supreme

Favorite lesbian song? don’t pull away by milosh ft jviews (the music video is gay at least, i also love hayley kiyoko)

Favorite lesbian musician? hayley kiyoko probably

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any? mmmm i dont like softball so that doesnt work...i read a lot of sappho though! and i have short nails? and love buffy? are these stereotypes?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal? ugh yes

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that? write me a love letter or make me a mixtape about your feleings something cheesy

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian? girls!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? cat but i also love pups!

Turn ons? a musical wonderful voice i could listen to and listen to, easy and stimulating conversations, passion for something that lights up their eyes

Turn offs? rudeness in any shape or form, indecisiveness or feigning indecisiveness because you think i want to make the decisions, despicable movie and music taste, smell

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you? mmmm in the past it has been pretty even. i have learned though that with women it really is a waiting game more than with guys so with my current girlfriend the tension was killing me so much i had to straight up ask her if something was going on and when she said yes she did like me too i was so relieved because she admitted to having not dated anyone since high school (5 years ago for her) and not asking anyone out while at college so if i had kept waiting for her who knows if we would have gotten together!

What is your dream career? i want to be a stay at home mom and author and perhaps an art teacher or preschool teacher on the side if the books dont pa the bills!

Talk about your interests or hobbies! writing and reading and drawing and singing and hiking and listening to music and watching korean dramas and making lists and studying languages

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have? passion, not necessarily in the sexual wya, but passion for something in general. like if she is an actress you see her on the stage and see how into it she is, and offstage she talks about it in a way that shows she is capable of truly loving something so much and seeing wonder in life. or a girl who seems quiet but then when she starts to show you the music she likes she closes her eyes and knows every lyric and has this expression of true passion and love for the music, i am captivated by women who are captivated by the purest elements of life from music to dance to nature

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone? for women, i fall in infatuation quite easily. i was always more cautious with men of course and now i avoid them altogether. but love is something i’ve been becoming more conservative of somehow. i think because i was so hurt by someone before and gave and gave without receiving and im scared of that happening again. i have to be receiving love to give it, thats something i finally can control my impulses over and protect myself from.

Ever fallen for your best-friend? HA

Ever fallen for a straight girl? HAHA

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?) heck to the no i couldnt make it past two episodes

Favorite comfort food? macaroni and cheese

Coffee or tea? tea

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? none but i have tried vegetarian before

Do you have any pets? a chinchilla and a cat!

Early-riser or night-owl? night owl

What is your sign? gemini sun, sag moon, sag rising

What is your Myers-Briggs type? INFP

Who was your first lesbian crush? my first serious lesbian crush was on a girl at my middle school who dressed to the nines every day in vintage dresses and sweaters and she flirted with practically everyone just joking around and always had a boyfriend but was just charming in every way. my whoel day would eb ruined if i couldn’t just see her or say hello once, and i thought i was just obsessed until i was like ‘wait what if she kissed me’ and BAM i knew it was a real life crush

At what age did you know you were a lesbian? im not really sure. i identified as bi/pan from freshman year to junior year i think, but then was realizing i definitely had a preference and didn’t want to be with guys in a relationship at all to be honest but even up until last summer i was really questioning if i was asexual, so its been a journey but i think i finally fully realized i am a happy happy lesbian after meeting lynn

At what age did you come out (if you have)? i was 14 when i first told my parents i was bi, 18 when i said im a lesbian

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)? just my girly friend

Talk about how your day went i worked this morning 7-11 after only sleeping 4 hours since i got hooked on ‘tipping the velvet’ the bbc miniseries, said goodbye to a friend, had school and did a presentation on how to make rosemilk bubble tea, i ate at a moomin cafe with my coworker, and now am working on homework and doing this survey and putting off my night cleaning duties eheh

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future i just want to have a family and to have my books published, thats all i really need. a loving wife, my sister still by my side as my partner in crime, so many children, so many stories finally told that people are reading. i really want to build a lovely house for my family like my grandparents did once upon a time, with secret rooms and unique hiding places, a house they can pass down as they grow up and it can have our lineage. i want to live by the mountains and trees and water, i want to be able to speak mandarin, cantonese, korean, japanese, icelandic, italian, arabic, and polish fluently

5 notes · View notes

transstudiesarchive · 4 years

Text

Voices (content warning)

I was so angry, and I tried to figure out why

I could not stand who I was, I made lists about who I wanted to be

When I was a child I wanted to die

“If I had not been raised to give my life away, would I have made such and effective, self-sacrificing revolutionary?“ (p.31)

Feeling safe is really sexy

“There was no place as a safe haven for a gay kid. The only option you had was a bar or to pick up a john to find a place to stay for the night” (7:29)

“Feminist and radical lesbian organizer” (p.17)

“I lived in terror that I might suddenly be seen again as what I knew myself to be” (p. 21)

“I stopped [wearing dresses] for a long time because the boys next door used to try and get fresh with me, you know, try and have sex“ (4:22)

I tried so hard to change

“Having learned the habit of hiding, I found I had also learned to hide from myself” (p. 13/14)

“I started wearing dresses at five years old” (4:20)

“I know that suffering does not ennoble. It destroys.” (p. 36)

“‘Just use that smile’” (p. 26)

“Resist destruction, self-hatred, or lifelong hopelessness” (p. 36)

“The reality of self-hatred and violence” (p.17)

“I could not see all the stuff they could use me for less than a book of matches” (45:58)

I often had to fight off my brother as they tried to touch me. They towered over me and they were laughing

“Those who cannot change their own lives have every reason to be ashamed of that fact and to hide it.” (32)

“But I think I liked the thought that someone would want to pay me, that’s what kept me in the business for such a long time” (45:48)

“[Jesus] listens to all my problems and never laughs at me” (6:05)

“I found out that boys do that when I was raped by this boy who was about, he was about 13 years old” (4:34)

If there was a god I would want him dead

“I had so much trouble, it’s a miracle I am still here I mean, honey, people used to come and bring guns . . .” (33:10)

I will not have sex unless I really want to and at any moment

“Throw off conditioning of being despised” (p. 36)

“[Claim] the embattled sexuality I had fashioned on a base of violence and abuse“ (p.34)

“I have never been able to make clear the degree of my fear” (p. 14)

“My first mental breakdown started in 1970. It started falling down hill and it’s been falling up and down hill ever since” (20:09)

I will not be used

“I may be crazy but that don’t make me wrong“ (0:16)

“[Jesus] takes me very seriously” (6:05)

“Never expected to live forever” (p. 37)

“They want to give you nothing. Nothing. Not even a cigarette or a cup of coffee nothing whatsoever” (46:04)

“I believed completely that by remaking myself I was helping to remake the world” (p. 22)

“I have come closer to knowing myself as real” (p.14)

I had a sexual relationship with my psychology teacher in high school for a year while at the same time going out with my piano teacher. I was still afraid of boys.

“I could not believe that my body would ever be worth anything to anyone” (45:55)

“I did not think people had sex – period” (5:17)

Marsha was harassed and thrown into the river (Hudson River)

I was the strong one

I am demanding and uncompromising

I was my dad’s favorite, they said

“My mother said being homosexual, she thought I was lower than the dog” (46:52)

“He shot all of this sticky stuff all my over my legs” (4: 51)

“I hated the rule makers” (33)

“Claim my families pride and tragedy” (p. 34)

“I tried to become one with the lesbian feminist community so as to feel real and valuable” (p. 16)

“When I was five, Mama married” (p.18)

“I have loved my family so stubbornly” (p. 15)

“He [Jesus] is like a spirit to follow me around and he likes to help me out in my hour of need” (6:01)

“I never had to have to have sex with anybody for money ever. I just did it because I wanted to see if I could get away with it and I pretty much succeeded” (44:30)

“The prettier you looked as a little boy made up as a girl that’s the most money you’re gonna make” (17:46)

“I stopped talking for a while” (p. 18)

Marsha talking about having been shot “I’m dying, dying, dying but I ain’t dead yet” (45:24)

To save the world from self-destruction I need to understand my own

Degrading sexual phantasies was my body going to what it knew in a situation that did not fulfil my safety requirements

I have been fighting for my life ever since I remember

“Being a hooker is no easy business for no one, it’s one of the most dangerous businesses that you can be in. but if that’s the only thing you know how to do I’d say it’s a pretty sad story for anyone, you know, including myself” (45:27)

“The rage was a good feeling, stronger and purer than the shame that followed it” (p.13)

Making money “with just a little bit of makeup and have little hormone tits” (18:10)

I had to dissociate and make up stories in my head in order to have sex with a real person

“I have not married anybody in church since then cause I think he [Jesus] is the only man I could really trust” (5:53)

“I have known I was a lesbian since I was a teenager, and I have spent a good 20 years making peace with the effects of incest and physical abuse” (p.14/15)

“Butch/femme and leather fetishism is widely viewed with distaste or outright hatred. . . presumed to be misguided, damaged by incest and childhood physical abuse” (p. 24)

“I got married to Jesus Christ in church when I was 16 years old” (5:48)

“We had generations before us to teach us that nothing ever changed, and that those who did try to escape failed.” (p. 18)

My dad wanted a girl, my mom was relieved when it finally happened

I liked being in love and I went along

I wanted to be a woman, but I felt like a sex-less thing

“Victim of physical, emotional and sexual violence” (p. 36)

“I don’t think like that, but I know they would” (5:33)

I give and receive nothing that my body, my mind and my heart do not love all at once

“I would tell them I was a boy in drag” (34:18)

In kindergarten I was hiding in corners

“My sexual promiscuity” (p. 34)

Any indication of sexual entitlement is an immediate turn-off

“I am not only a lesbian but a transgressive lesbian—femme, masochistic” (p. 23)

“My sexual identity is intimately constructed by my class and regional background, and much of the hatred directed at my sexual preferences is class hatred“ (p. 23)

I regret having sexually pressured a partner during a hard time. I am sorry

“Her whole life she [my mother] never wanted to know” (47:19)

I was not safe at home. Thank you Frau Wieser for letting me sit at your kitchen table for hours

“The geographic solution. Change your name, leave town, disappear, make yourself over” (p. 19)

I was married three times and I refused sex over long periods because the love was not right, and I did not know the nature of my sexuality

I never got over my abuse but that’s because I get reinjured by the world

“[Police] always treated me like I am the worlds murderer” (36:07)

“After my stepfather beat me so badly it caused a family scandal” (p. 18)

“I began to suspect that we shared no common language to speak those bitter truths” (32)

“Mama miscarried, and while we waited out in the hospital parking lot, my stepfather molested me for the first time” (p. 18)

“The fundamental me had almost disappeared” (p. 16)

He molested me when my mom was in the mental hospital because of a nervous breakdown

I have a body now that belongs to me

“you should not have sex until after you’re married” (4:30)

I don’t hate my family at least not at the moment

A lot of space, no guilt trips and unconditional positive regard is really sexy

“Mama told me she really had no choice” (p. 18)

I love my mother when I can afford to, I feel pain about my father’s nightmare of a life

I had sex for the first time because I wanted to get it over with

“I had separated my activist life from the passionate secret life in which I acted on my sexual desires” (p. 16)

“Honey, I don’t believe you should have sex until after you are married” (5:45)

I might have been a pretty little girl, but I thought I was ugly

“Nobody promised you tomorrow” (0:18)

I want to walk around with no shirt on and be seen as a person

“I have been arrested about a million times for prostitution” (35:24)

I will not be used

I take myself very seriously and fuck you if that is a problem

“I was young and naïve” (4:17)

“I found out the prettier you look as a little boy or a pretty little transvestite, you can make a couple of little dollars“ (17:38)

“Some people could not believe I was not a real woman” (34:34)

I was afraid they would think I was frigid

Feminist and angry woman

They were 5 and 10 years older than me

“I don’t have to do the streets any more. Because I decided, darling, that it was not worth it” (44:24)

My father beat my brothers with a steel spring rod

“I found out that my body was worth some money those days” (17:33)

“Something he continued to do until I was past thirteen” (p. 18)

I love to live

They “pulled guns on me ‘I can’t believe you are a boy’” (34:13)

References

Allison, D. (1994). Skin : Talking about sex, class & literature. (pp 13-36) Ithaca, N.Y.:

Firebrand Books.

Kasino, M. (2012, October 15). Pay It No Mind - The Life and Times of Marsha P. Johnson.

Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjN9W2KstqE

Voices of three women: Dorothy Allison (page numbers), Marsha P. Johnson (minutes and seconds) and I (none)

(cited in this way to keep it simple, my color coding did not transfer to Tumblr)

My goal was to create access to the experience of child sex abuse through the creative voices of Marsha P Johnson, Dorothy Allison and my own. I prefer to have the words speak for themselves and I do not encourage readers to bother reading beyond this point. That said, I will give some explanation about my motivations to collect these words and let them speak together by presenting them in randomized order. My partner who understands computers and loves math, especially Bayesian Inference has randomized the lines for me based on the random number seed 56 (maybe you know what that means) which was the third lucky number of a fortune cookie I received today at a Chinese Restaurant.

What I wanted to get at was something Marsha, Dorothy and I have in common: a specific form of socializing feminine bodies which is childhood sexual abuse. Although I do hold my father accountable for what he did I see his actions and the actions of his male ancestors as deeply socially conditioned and part of his own curse. The effort of making childhood sex abuse into an individual problem rather than a societal way of disciplining bodies is a convenient smoke screen. All around us we receive messages in words, pictures, sounds that tell us that it is ok to objectify women. The fact that increasingly other than female bodies are objectified is not a consolation.

Why is this important in a trans archive? I belief that we are all trying to understand how we can escape the trajectory we are on and I hope that people who have genders outside of the norm might have a heads up in understanding the alienation that happens when femininity is disciplined to erase itself, to hate itself, to have no needs, and to be deeply confused about its own purpose. I belief that all feminine bodies are subjected to a measure of the same disciplinary action and that we are flailing to grasp who we are underneath all that. I am appealing to you because I feel deeply alienated outside of the circle of safe people who work hard to create a safe place.

0 notes