#on purpose because we want people to be able to interact with eachother safely

[brinesystem]

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[itsonlystrange]

First off, I am not sending hate to any Mileven shipper. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I will only be providing actual facts and evidence, and hopefully will be staying relatively unbiased. As always, this is a PRO-BYLER account. If you do not ship Byler you do not have to read all the way through :).

This will be a 2 part series. The first part will address MILEVEN and how they will not be endgame. The second part will address the likely hood of BYLER being endgame.

So, I’ve been sucked into the Mileven side of Instagram after liking ONE Mileven edit, which is besides the point. Recently I’ve noticed a lot of people say that “They were love at first sight!” Or that “Why would they break up now if they’ve had 3 seasons of development?!” So I’m going to go ahead and supply you all with:

MILEVEN VS BYLER.

PART ONE (MILEVEN)

To start off with the first statement, “They were love at first sight!”

May I remind you how utterly mortified Mike was when he found Eleven. As any 12 year old boy would be. He did not give her any form of “heart eyes”. He looked genuinely scared. He took her home as a courtesy, not because he was “madly in love with her!”. Obviously not everyone would take home a random 12 year old bald girl, but El being taken to the Wheelers was not meant to be seen as a romantic gesture, it was literally just a plot device for the Kids to figure out she had powers.

May I also remind you that Mike wanted to get rid of her. He stated multiple times that she was just a weapon, and a device to find Will. He only let her stay BECAUSE she knew who Will was. He was fully ready to let her go, and send her back to wherever she came from. In the end of it all, he only cared about Will and finding Will. El was simply used as a device to find him. Obviously, now, I do think Mike cares about El. But not in a romantic way, more so a “cute puppy way”. I think he loves her, but that he’s not IN LOVE with her, romantically.

The show has shown constantly how horribly they work together. El’s most confident and prideful moments were when she was AWAY from Mike. Mike’s most loyal and selfless moments was when he was AWAY from El. They do not compliment eachother like that.

Second of all, they have nothing in common. In season one when Mike was explaining his figurines to El, she looked genuinely disinterested. Now some may say that this could be because she didn’t quite understand what she liked back then, which just further proves that she shouldn’t be in a relationship! If she can’t decide if she likes a dinosaur toy or not, how is she supposed to decide if she likes Mike! And we also know that she did have the ability to differentiate between things she liked as she seemed genuinely interested in Nancy’s clothes and photos. The only thing they have in common is shared trauma! Notice how all the other couples share something:

JANCY: love for writing and adventuring

LUMAX: both are comical and enjoy the cinema and the outdoors

DUZIE: science

Along with most of the other couples. But what does Mileven have In common? Can anyone please name ONE good memory between the two when they weren’t in danger. All the “good memories” they have are from when the world was ending.

If you said “Oh, but they make out a lot!” That’s not a ‘good memory’, hell, that’s hardly memorable at at all. Hoppper, Will, and Lucas even admit that for those 6 months in between season 2 and season 3, all they did was make out. That is not love, that is infatuation. Infatuation is a strong desire for someone, mainly romantic, that focuses on the physical aspects of their relationship rather than the emotional. Love is a deep rooted feeling. You do not need to make out all the time to be in love. Love is emotional, of course it can be physical, but you need that strong feeling before any physical aspect of love can be genuine.

Mileven have nothing in common. It’s very clear that Mike is still into D&D and is a nerd. Especially as he might be in the Hellfire Club next season (a D&D club) and also because we’ve seen that D&D is going to be a big aspect of season 4, meaning he’ll most likely be infatuated with it again. It’s obvious that El needs to figure herself out first. She needs to develop into her own human being. She’s still learning. She’s into poppy colors and magazines and makeup (which is great!), but even on a more basic level, they still share nothing in common. Mike is a nerd, we have established that. And notice how in s3 (when he was with El) he felt the least like himself. He acted so out of character. He didn’t use weird Star Wars analogies or gush about the new movie coming out like previous seasons. Now of course one could say that he’s growing up, but we see that he is genuinely still a nerd as when he’s in time of crisis he goes back to those analogies. He goes back to gushing about the new toys he’s getting at Christmas, he goes back to being a nerd. It’s almost as if he’s wearing this mask, and at the end of s3 he forgets to put it on. And then El kisses him, and he realizes that he didn’t enjoy that. So we know for a fact that he is very much still into D&D and those other shenanigans atleast to an extent, considering how happy he was to hear that Will wasnt giving up the party or D&D. Shouldn’t Mike be with someone who is atleast a little similar to him? Regardless of his sexuality, shouldn’t he be with someone that allows him to be his true self? He was incredibly Cocky and arrogant in season 3, almost like he had to be a “man” for El, and in his mind, being a ‘man’ was giving up all of the things he loved, and only kissing El, almost as if she was an object he had to obtain more than an actual human. Which Max agrees with! He treats her more so of a mask he has to wear to cover his true self. Shouldn’t el be with someone who likes the same thing she does? But then again, what does el like?! Exactly! She needs to figure out who she is before she dates anyone. She didn’t even know what shirt she would like to wear!

Now I just find this silly. Development? Really? Okay let me show you their “development”

SEASON ONE: El could only speak 4 or 5 words. They had essentially zero romantic interactions besides the kiss at the end. If El and Mike never kissed (excluding the time they almost kissed in the bathroom), people would most likely only see them as a friendship. Let’s flip the tables a bit. If El was a boy and Mike and El never kissed, this would further prove that they don’t have any romantic tension. Lucas says it the best: “You only like her because she’s the only girl who isn’t grossed out by you!” Which I agree with completely. It’s more of an infatuation. Mike is infatuated with the idea of finally having a girlfriend. Because he knows something is wrong inside him and wants to ‘fix it’ by dating a girl, as if suddenly his sexuality identity issues would disappear. El doesn’t know anything about Mike, and to El, Mike is a hero. To El, Mike is fearless warrior. And Mike knows that isn’t true. But with el, it gave him the chance to start fresh. It gave him the chance to start and become a different person. He puts on his persona of being “strong” and being able to stand up for himself, yet in the end, it’s El who does the saving. The reason he ‘likes’ El so much is because she isn’t disgusted by him. But mike is afraid that if he shows his true self, El wouldn’t like him anymore, and he’d lose that mask. And without a girl to cling to, he’d finally have to confront his sexuality. Which is why we never see Mike being his true self around El. In every single season, he is this false person. He’s wearing a facade, to keep up with these lies. Because he fears that If El knew how nerdy he really was, she’d be uninterested, and he ‘can’t lose her’ because he knows that El is most likely the only girl who will never be grossed out by him. Because all the other girls in this town know who he is. That nerdy guy from the AV club. And he needs a girlfriend. He feels safe that way. Because if he doesn’t have a distraction from his sexuality then he might take an extra step on accident and accidently act on those feelings

Ep 1: making out

Ep2: breaking up

Ep 3-6: fighting

Ep 7: neutral

Ep 8 ½ : neutral

Very end of ep 8: together?

How is that romantic? So from what we know, Mileven got a kiss in season 1, a kiss in season 2, 2 make out sessions, and then they fought. HOW IS THAT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP?

90% of their relationship throughout all 3 seasons has been kissing and fighting. That’s literally it. Not once have we seen them just hanging out and talking. Not once have we seen them go on dates. And as Hopper, Lucas, and Will put: that’s all they do! The Duffer’s purposefully put that line in to show that, it’s really all they did for those 6 months. There was no emotion to that. Just kissing. That’s it. Kissing and fighting is all Mileven has been. And honestly they would have been pretty cute in season 3 if the Duffer’s hadn’t messed it up. But the duffers aren’t stupid! They did this on purpose! Because they wanted us to disagree with Mileven. They wanted us to find it obnoxious. Because they know that they don’t have chemistry! Finn and Millie are brilliant actors and could have definitely pulled that off, meaning the Duffers had to have specifically said to “not act in love”. Mileven is a summer fling, Finn said so himself. They are their true selves when they are apart, and when they are together romantically, they stunt each other’s growth. They’re way better as bestfriends. El needs to figure herself out before she can date anyone.

Thank you for reading part one! Part two will be up soon, and will follow why I believe Byler will be end game!

Heavy inspiration from @kaypeace21 & @hawkinsschoolcounselor

[helahades]

Spilled Love Waxings - I

(get to know me, if you want)

A/N: listen so...

recently i realized that for years now i have finally been happy being single! yearning for a relationship has just... gone away. (this is very healthy for me and im not ready to get into my emotionally scarring backstory just yet)

however, i do be writing fanfic and 😳😳😳love do be looking cute. so imma just throw out some love + intimacy concepts

{x} = something that is actually regular and healthy that speaks to me because—bleep

—

so i struggle with writing intimacy in a way that shows how it actually feels

i feel like when you write in a space like this for a while there are certain words and phrases that we just commonly use that don’t get at the exact feelings of things

really like, sometimes writing in such a big community diminishes creativity and there are so many things I can’t explain now

anyway this post doesn’t make much sense it’s just me talking about love and telling all my secrets

🐻 (bear emoji) with me bc this is like a diary entry and i really exposed myself with this. I can’t even explain it idk

love things i love:

the heat of skin? it can feel just under the way the sun feels when it’s lighting up your skin and it’s so hot but you just can’t move because you’re so content. because maybe the sun is burning. but the wind is also blowing, and the birds are also singing.

when you’re cuddling with someone who normally shaves, but it’s a soft day and you’re just in big clothes and maybe sweatpants or shorts and you’re on a cloudy place like a couch and your skin is on theirs and you can feel the gentle stubble of their skin because they haven’t shaved in a bit

^^^just similarly to that i like moments that are unguarded. moments that you wouldn’t get with someone if they didn’t trust you so much. someone trusting you with seeing maybe scars on them or with their hair not done

i like to lay on people and also to have people lay on me

wearing the clothes of someone you love...having sheets or clothes or post shower bathrooms smell sweeter with the scent with them after they’ve been there a while

especially w women i love how some things are just so connected and unspoken. even the gentlest man may not understand something after years of explanation that a woman can understand from a woman with a few vague words.

{pain is not fun but when someone understands it? having a lover who will not hold your pain against you in small ways, but someone who will even let you have your bad days but be there with you through them}

i remember the first person i thought I loved was so bad to me but I didn’t know any other way, so the second person I thought i loved was so good to me, but it was only the bare minimum of healthy and respectful

{^^so what i want is to receive and also mainly to give love that is healthy and sweet without asking and that never needs a moment for you to pause and think that it’s so good, because there isn’t anything extraordinary about it. it is just what it should be because we always love and mind each other’s feelings and sensitivities}

when you reach out for someone and they know what youre asking for when you do. i use the word “knowingly” but it isn’t consciously. they react with their body first maybe even with their soul.

do you ever adjust your hand in someone’s hand and they pull away completely because they think that’s what you’re doing? i want a lover someday who knows when I’m only shifting closer

{I want to be the kind of lover that knows what tears are for talking about and what ones mean you need to be held and which ones mean you need to be alone and I want to be healthy enough to be able to leave you alone even if I care very much and want to help}

I really love when you shift together when cuddling with someone and it’s just right and that’s the comfortable spot

or when you wake up and you’re skin to skin and that spot is so hot you’re nearly sweating together but it’s just so warm and sweet and they’re still asleep so you can’t bear to move

so anyway fruits are very romantic of course so here are some lover fruits for no reason: peaches, nectarines, strawberries + apples only when sliced right then and there at a picnic

someone getting something for you that is only two steps away but you’re just soooo comfy and they just do it because they are sweet

someone staying up until you get home

{someone loving you for you and not making an idea out of you. someone loving something because you love it and they love you}

someone purposely learning more about something you’re passionate about or letting you go on and on and listening intently

there’s finishing sentences, but that isn’t always nice. sometimes when you can’t find the words, the most meaningful thing someone can do is patiently wait for you to find them.

I love when you’re eating a shared meal and someone notices you looking at what they’re serving themselves and they just wordlessly hand it to you

from a good post: “If one of us loses our cool will the other deescalate the issue or make it worse? Can we both lose our cool without blaming eachother for every little thing? How long does it take us to makeup and apologize for our hangry exchange of words? After an apology do we both feel understood, cherished and connected?”

open communication is so beautiful

{there’s something so raw about feeling weird in a moment and being able to say it. when energy is weird and you can just say hm I don’t like how this feels and your lover can agree or even ask you why.}

how i show love:

my love languages I think have changed over the years I really love to do acts of service (and y’all probably gathered that touch is big for me)

I love to cook people breakfast

I love to shop at the store for the ingredients of a meal someone mentions missing

I like to wash fruit before it gets put where it goes because then the people I love who grab it straight from the bowl are already taken care of

I like making cards for special occasions like birthdays

I love hugs where you keep squeezing because you’re not ready for it to end

thinking also about people I’ve loved who aren’t comfortable with too much physical affection or any at all. of course you give people their space and you love them differently. sometimes they open up to you when they realize you respect their boundaries

It shouldn’t be that way because everyone should do that for everyone. but it is nice to be a safe space while we live in a world that is sometimes not nice. it’s nice to make people feel safe

the other day my friend who hated hugs and affection in middle school told me she loved me at the end of our phone call and I cried

on tumblr, there are certain acts. you can tell your friends when you love their art, you can reblog it. you can share things that remind you of them.

mostly it’s words

feeling sappy but I want to say that I was in a sad slump and it’s all of you that make me so happy. and i love you

—

i don’t know what this is or if i will do it again sometimes i just get in my moods

just want to tag some people that have been on my mind + interacted positively with me + i hope they’re doing well: @xbuchananbarnes @invisibleanonymousmonsters @tropicalcap @storibambino @thorsthot @venusbarnes @sapphirescrolls @punani @avintagekiss24 @saintsebastian-stan @mariahthelioness29 @threeminutesoflife @spacelabrathor @mamipeachy

[storiesby-rahmankhan]

Miles (Unfinished)

So I had started writing a story a while ago, it’s not finished and it won’t ever be finished. To be fair, it’s too hard for me to finish because it’s based on a true story and about someone I know. So I can’t really find a fitting ending, I can’t fill in the gaps and I can’t just write it any more. So here it is, in it’s unfinished glory. There are some notes on what would have gone in the gaps, but nothing too detailed.

It’s not much, but I haven’t put up my writing in a long time.

Miles.

A Story by Rahman Khan

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

This is the story of how two souls are connected despite the fact they are thousands of miles apart from each other.  People tend to make fun out of the fact that someone can develop feelings for someone else over the internet. Making jokes that the other person is just a fat man living in his parent’s basement looking for some young to have his way with.

What most people don’t realise is that they’ll make fun of something they have never had the pleasure of experiencing themselves.

I am one of the two souls. Through some sort of strange twist of fate and irony the one place that two souls seems to have connected was on the internet.

I’ve always liked the idea of friends. It just so happened that I hated my friends.

Growing up, I had very few friends. My best friend was murdered. My girlfriend killed herself. I never really got close to anyone after that, I just didn’t want to get hurt from all the pain. Friends for me…were people who I just had acquaintances with, nothing too personal, just keeping it casual, meet for a drink, or just talk online when we’re bored. Nothing too stressful.

I didn’t really have much of a family either. The only time I see or talk to my family is when we have dinner. My father’s disappointment in me, my mother’s lack of respect pushed me away.

It was through all this that I lost myself to my own depression; I fell into a void of unhappiness and dug a hole for myself. For years I stayed to myself, the two people I had cared about died; my best friend was murdered and my girlfriend died in a car crash. I tried my best to compensate from my sins, but I couldn’t help but realise that I just hate myself for everything that I’ve done, I can’t forgive myself for those things. I shut myself away from the world, I stayed in my room and only left to go to my lessons at school and then again at university, I could hardly make any friends. I was introverted and I didn’t want to change in the danger of actually hurting someone else. So I stayed to myself. But it’s not like I didn’t make friends, I had people I would talk to in the school and university; people to pass time with, but outside of those places, I was alone.

My time at university wasn’t the typical UK university experience. I never had a Freshers Week, I never had those late nights with roommates, late night cramming sessions and hung over mornings. I was alone in my room, watching movies, downloading TV shows, doing my work, hitting those dead lines early; the boring student.

My life has always been secluded. But not to the point where I’d be Boo Radley and not interact with anyone or anything; I went to school, university, all that, I made friends and went to parties. But something was missing; maybe it was love, maybe it was a family member I never had, maybe it was just having an actual friend that I could talk to.

I always had trouble talking to anyone on a more open level. I never explained my sadness, never explained why I was angry, or just didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I’m not sure what it was, I just felt like there was no one around me in this city that I could feel connected to. My days were spent listening to music alone in my room, I would listen to all kinds of music from all sorts of artists; Japanese artists like The GazettE, Dir en Grey, High and Mighty Color; I only knew a handful of Japanese, but something about the voices in these songs managed to calm me down at times when I needed them. They represented a life I could never have, somewhere far away on the other side of the world, far from my family, far from whatever the people I hang around with are, far from my past. French rap managed to capture my soul in a way I could never explain in words to anyone; the beats, the bass, the artists rapping away, it felt…surreal to know that this music connects me to them. Bands like Explosions in the Sky, Sigur Ros, Mogwai…their unique way to portray music managed to express feeling I could never express. I don’t know, music is just a way for people to escape their own troubles; lyrics guide us on a path to a sense of strange enlightenment.

One Sunday morning, I decided that I was going to leave the house and just for a walk around the city. I take a long, warm shower, I rest my arms against the cold marble walls; the feeling of the cool, tingling marble battled the feeling of warm water falling from the showerhead onto my skin. Music runs through my head. I usually think of nothing in the shower, there’s nothing really to think about, is there? Most of the time you just jump in, clean yourself, jump out. Simple. Why complicate something so simple. I think it’s why I love taking a shower; it’s one of those cocoons that I can crawl into and think of absolutely nothing. My life doesn’t matter in there; all I need to concentrate on is getting every nook and cranny and being as clean as possible.

I decide I want to take the train and go somewhere where I know I won’t run into anyone. I take the underground into the city and head to the park; most of my friends live on the far edges of the city, so I know I won’t see them. I don’t want to see them. I just want to be able to walk around a huge, open space and know that I’m alive. I want the cold air to hit my face, make the blood rush to my cheeks, brightening them up red. In winter, my nose always lights up like Rudolf, you can always tell I’m cold if my nose is bright red once I’m inside. But I love the winter. I love everything about it. I love the first touch of snow to the ground, it’s softer than a leaf falling in autumn, I love watching grey clouds cover the blue sky, hiding away the beauty. It reminds that something if something so sinister can hide something so beautiful, then there must be some kind of hope. Something waiting beyond all the mess and the pain.

Eventually, I manage to get to the park, and it’s empty. There’s no one around as far as my eyes can see. Snow fell the night before and it’s been blanketed across the fields. There are no footsteps, no car tracks; leaves have fallen softly onto the ground. I step into a virgin patch of snow; it feel comforting to know I’m leaving a mark on this world, even it’s temporary, I’ll know I’m the reason it’s there.

I take out my camera and I begin to take pictures. I only just bought this a few months ago and decided to start using it. I’ve always been interested in photography.  I’ve gone through shit in my life that I’ll never talk about, seen stuff I’ll never describe, done things I wish I hadn’t, I don’t talk about my problems, I never will. But when I’m behind that viewfinder, with nothing but what’s in front of me, the sounds of the world around me, or sometimes the tunes of my headphones, I’m no longer part of the world that makes me what to kill myself, no longer part of the world that makes me regret waking up in the morning, I feel different, I’m free. I feel the safest I have ever felt behind that viewfinder, because I’m surrounded by the edges of what I see, not what’s behind me, or to the side, just what’s ahead. It doesn’t matter if the picture doesn’t come out good, or if it’s blurred or over exposed, just the fact that I can sit there, safely and snap away…liberates me in a way in more ways than I can describe.

Photography is my way out of my shitty world and allows me to remember that maybe there is a God, and that there is a world out there, even if my hate blinds me from it sometimes. I don’t think I’ll understand the power of this new art form, but I know I love it.

One day, I found a website; I started a blog and started to share my photography. I wanted to post everything I snap away and just put it out there for people to see. I wanted to let people know if even if they’re feeling like a piece of shit, even if they’re feeling like they want to die, there’s always going to be something out there for them. I thought maybe my photography can help them realise that there is more to life than just waiting around for something to take us away. I don’t know, for the first time in my life, I felt like I had a purpose. But I still felt like I was missing something.

>> BLOGGING <<

It just so happened, one day through this blog, someone messaged me. I checked out her page and she seemed like a cool person, so I started to follow her. We indirectly spoke through our blogs, reblogging stuff liked from each other, liking and commenting on posts. This eventually led to us adding eachother on an instant messenger and we instantly became friends.

Her: Hi!

Me: Hey hey

Her: How are u?

Me: I’m doing good, how are you?

Her: im fine (:

…

We had those awkward silences that aren’t really silences since it’s online, but you knew If this was a conversation in person it’d just be way too awkward to continue.

Her: So what u upto?

Me: Oh, sorry, nothing much, I was playing a game

Her: wat game?

Me: Some zombie game, haha, I felt like shooting some shit up.

Her: I used to play by Nintendo all the time. did u ever play Zelda?

Me: FUCK YES. That was the shit

Her: OMG I KNO RIGHT

Me: I was a Street Fighter kid too

Her: AKUMA!

Me: RYU!

Her: Haha OMG did u ever play cloud?

Me: Cloud? Do you mean Final Fantasy 7? Lol

Her: LOOOL did I just say cloud?

Her: YES! FINAL FANTASY

Me: I’m pretty sure I want to marry you now.

We hit it off instantly. She was perfect. We had so much in common it was uncanny. We loved and played the same games as kids. We both watched the same TV shows. We both had the same interests in fashion. We loved the same movies and had an undying love for classical Hollywood. She was perfect. Despite the fact she lived half way around the world.

We would talk for hours on end on endless shit no one probably would give a crap about; but it was our friendship, this was us.

Her: <3 ive missed you.

Me: not as much as I have, I kept thinking about you all day! haha

Her: how was ur day?

Me: it was alright, i had to do the shopping, driving is a pain when it rains over here o.O

Her: aw, u hate driving?

Me: Ehh, its ok. i dont see the whole excitement about it…its like youre driving a large go-kart that can kill you.

Her: LOL

Her: i like driving, but not in the city. I like driving out by the country

Me:  I’ve never been outside of the city for more than a few hours. I’ve always been the passenger on trips.

Her: u need to try it and just drive

Me: Maybe.

It doesn’t seem like much, but every conversation we have just means something. It gives me the snippets of her life that I couldn’t see in the people I met in person. She learnt more about me than anyone else I knew in person. She had a special place in my heart, even though I never knew her in person. My loneliness disappeared whenever I got the chance to speak to her.

Whenever I took a walk, read a book, listened to music, watched a movie, I always imagined she’d be doing the same. Whenever I would picture Her in my mind, she’d be alone for some reason, with no one around her. A sense of loneliness always befell her in my cruel mind. A sense of loneliness only I could repair. I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to be the one to call her on the phone, or to send her a text message to brighten her day. Knowing I wasn’t there to be with her in person hurt me to the point where I’d just feel sad, as if I’ve lost a friend I’ve grown up with. It’s embarrassing to even admit that to friends, it’d be weird for me to tell them I’m close to a girl I’ve met online. Most of the time it’s ridiculed that you can’t even make friends in person, so you need to retreat behind a screen. Which really isn’t the case, I have friends in person; people I hang out with on a daily basis. But it’s with Her that I managed to actually connect to someone on a level beyond the “How’s u?” “Fine” “…” and then nothing. With Her, I felt like I was a real person, with interests that not only excited me, but her as well.  

One night, I have dinner with a friend, she goes on and on about her mundane life, how she’s stressing over an exam, or how she’s scared of looking for a job, that her cat needs surgery. In the back of my head, I’m just thinking “what is She doing? It must be like 12pm there, she’s probably just getting up right now, brushing her teeth, maybe having breakfast, getting ready to go to her lessons…” It was unhealthy how my thoughts of this one girl I’ve never met, and probably will never meet clouded my mind.

Me: Hey

Her: hi!

Me: wassup?

Her: nm

This was the first time she didn’t really talk.

Me: Are you ok?

Her: im fine

Me: Are you sure?

Her: yep

Me: No you’re not.

Her: How do you know?

Me: Because you’re not talking away like a soap opera

Her: LOL

Me: What’s wrong?

Her: I’m just stressed. I’ve got too much going on right now

Me: Do you want to talk about tit?

Me: NOT TIT. IT*

Her: LOLOLOL

Me: …yeah, so wanna talk?

Her:  Well..

We spoke for hours on her life. How she is stressed at her university, how life at home is hectic, how stuff with her boyfriend isn’t going so well; I knew she was in pain, and it ached me in a way that I’ve never felt before when I knew I could do nothing but type away things that I hoped would help her. I just wanted to jump through the screen and hold her, I wanted to be her best friend. In the back of my head, for one reason or another, she felt like the one thing that was missing in my life, maybe she was the 1 in 6 billion, maybe she was the perfect girl for me. But I had no chance; all I could do was to be there for her right now.

Whenever she spoke about her boyfriend, I felt jealous, and I felt angry that he wasn’t treating her right. I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be the one she loved.

I told her to get some sleep. I had stayed up all night with her; it was around 11pm for her, and morning for me, I told her to try to sleep and I’ll talk to her the next day.

Her: thank you <3

Me: It’s alright.

Her: Can I tell you something?

Me: You can tell me anything.

Her: I’m glad i met you, im glad we’re friends. you’ve brought this positive energy into my life that i needed and im glad its you. Thank you so much

That morning, I didn’t sleep, I just stayed up, hoping she was OK.

>>> GIRLS STORY HERE <<<

My life outside of my internet life was seemingly normal. I was still dealing with my past.

I graduated university with a typical 2:1 degree, I was then thrown out into the grown up world. A world no one warned me about. A world where I had no preparation, and wasn’t ready to face. I was just another 20 year old something with a CV who didn’t know what he wanted to be. Originality was scarce. I felt like I just wanted to tell someone I was scared. I wanted tell someone I wasn’t ready for all this responsibility and that I just wanted to keep living young. I never knew getting pushed out onto your own two feet was going to be this hard. People said shit won’t be easy, but they never told me it’d be this hard. I told a couple of my friends, but they seemed busy with their own problems, so I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

I managed to get a job, I started working 40 hour weeks, updating my blog seemed like a chore, but I still did it, after getting over 1,000 followers, you seem to feel like you have some sort of obligation to keep posting, since so many people want to see what you do. I refrained from answering anymore messages and only really kept in contact with people I seemed to have spoken to before. I even had a girlfriend. Somehow, using the internet and talking to Her; helped me get out of this unsociable shell I was in, and it felt good. It felt good knowing I wasn’t entirely alone in the world.

But this girlfriend of mine, every time I saw her, all I could think of is you’re not her. She wasn’t her her. I wanted her. The perfect girl. Sure, she had imperfections and sure she had her problems, but that’s what made her who she is. I wanted to be a part of that and I wanted to be in her life. I had never met this girl in my life and I fell in love with who is she and I wanted her.

And then one day…nothing. I never heard from her again. Her blog page was gone, she never came back online, we never spoke again. It was as if she disappeared into thin air, or maybe that she never existed.

It felt like a stab in something that I had never felt before, knowing that befriending someone I never met could affect me in such a way was an eye opener for me. Human loneliness can stretch for miles and connect with someone so far away, that the only way to keep them close is to hold them in your heart. But it hurts that much more when you find out they never did the same for you. But she left something. There’s something inside of me now, ever since I met her; she put a fire inside of me. She’s put that little ounce of hope that I never knew existed inside of me.

I had written her a letter in my journal, something I want to give her but now I can’t. Words I’ve wanted to say to her but too afraid to. I wanted to tell her she made me happier than what I thought was possible. That I want to be in her life and that I considered her my best friend and that even though we had never met, I still miss her more than anyone. I told her that I would never leave her and in a way, I haven’t. I just hope she never forgets that.