#once again i am making a post at 5am and i am also autistic so ignore typos pls <3

[fionawesome]

A world that wants me dead

I live in a world that wants me dead.

I didn't realise it until recently.

Until about a month ago I was naive enough to think that, because I'm not properly disabled, the world had spared me the ordeal of a life marred with death, just because I'm not useful to society. For some reason I thought that because I was managing well enough or because I'm not physically disabled that I was spared the horror of living as a disabled person in a world built for non-disabled people.

My earliest memories are of feeling different and at the age of 7 or 8 I was diagnosed with Dyspraxia, a form of developmental coordination disorder that affects motor control, coordination, memory, perception and processing.

When I was 20, The Tories (along with the Lib Dems) got into power in the UK and quite soon after they started doing their best to make life for the rich, easier, and life for the poor harder. It started with small things that could be reasoned away but after a few years their disregard for anyone who wasn't born with a silver spoon up their asses was more blatant than ever before and it wasn't long before a large proportion of the population were vocally riling against the government in a way unprecedented since they tyrannical rule of Thatcher in the 80's.

One of the first things that they started with was the dismantling of the glorious institution of the NHS. It started by underfunding services and then bringing in outside contractors as a way to deal with the difficulties faced by a health system that's crumbling and falling. It then continued with an attempt to stretch doctors so thin that medical care failed at the point of service so that, once again the services could be sold off to the highest bidder, and so that the suffering of the poorest in society could be justified in the eyes of those either, easily misled by the media, or those used to closing their eyes and sticking heads in the sands.

A while later, this assault on the poorest and most vulnerable in our society continued by making the conditions of that society so unbearable as to either force many people to commit suicide or to cause people to die after being declared "fit for work". The longer that this continued (and indeed, as it  still continues), the more blatant it became that this was an outright attack on those most in need of help and the larger the divide seemed to get between those who are classified as "disabled" (and therefore of no use to society) and those who are considered able to "function" within society (and thus, not disabled; no matter how many difficulties they).

It was around this time that I started to become increasingly frustrated with the way that society was drastically devaluing disabled people and my compassion for those who I saw as having it worse off than myself, was increased tenfold. Of course, all of this took place from inside my ivory tower of university life, reasonable accommodations and disability supremacy.

A returning theme in my life is one of self-hatred, caused by the self-doubt instilled in me by an educational system that would not deign to change itself, lest it make my life easier, or my education more worthwhile but I still held inside of me some supremacy when it came to the dichotomy between disabled and not disabled. I didn't engage in the wider disabled community because because I didn't see myself as being disabled enough to face difficulties on the same size/scale as those faced by people with physical disabilities. This was pure ignorance on my part, and I will never attempt to explain away or excuse my views at this point in my life because it shows a complete lack of understanding about disability and throws a fair few people (myself included) under the bus. I'm including it here to highlight how people outside of the disabled community can think about disability, and also to highlight the way in which, at one point, I disregarded the onslaught towards disabled people, purely because it didn't affect me personally.

After I graduated from university I sought out help for the all pervasive feelings of inattentiveness, and attention based difficulties and was eventually diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 23.

I eventually began to see how my Dyspraxia and ADHD were causing me issues within my life and how the world outside of student life was vastly effected by my inability to adhere to neurotypical standards of "functioning". This was so much so, that after a few failed attempts at employment  the DWP suggested that I seek help from the charity Scope. It was through this that I saw my disorganisation, inattentiveness, and general lack of knowledge about the world, catch up with me at full speed, and it was through this that I finally realised that I needed more help with my life than I was willing to admit.

Flash forward a few years and at 27 I am currently experiencing autistic burnout.

After my partner broached the topic of me fitting the diagnostic criteria for autism, and after a few years of self-examination and self-discovery, 6 months ago I started self-diagnosing as autistic.

It was around this time that I started to feel my whole world fall apart.

I've asked myself so many times whether this is all related to my realising that I'm autistic, or whether it's all just some cosmic coincidence. I don't believe in coincidence that's for sure, so mostly my answer has landed on "shit I'm autistic, I should probably be autistic". Of course this is an over-simplification and implies that I had any choice in the matter which is simply untrue, but I can't help but feel like on some level, once I realised I was autistic I became more autistic on purpose. This probably isn't the case and there's plenty of anecdata to suggest that it's a natural progression in the life-cycle of diagnosis for an autistic person (self or professional).

The point is, that I started to feel as if my whole life was falling apart. I could no longer organise myself as easily as I was once able, I was finding social interactions increasingly difficult and I was finding the world of employment to be filled with sensory, emotional, and cognitive challenges on a daily basis. There was a period of about a month where this got so bad that every time I woke up I was (with barely any sensory input), overwhelmed by everything and was forced to either sit in bed on the verge of tears, or fall back asleep in the hope that facing the world might be easier after a nap. It was during this time that I eventually created a set of "communication cards" to allow me to help myself communicate effectively during moments of distress or overload, in the hope that I could regain some kind of "control" over my life and my descent into "burnout".

Whilst this form of alternative communication has proven very useful for me and has helped me on countless occasions, it did nothing to slow my descent into burnout. That, it seems, was inevitable.

It is in the depth of this burnout that I realised a few key things.

The first is that I need to figure out better ways of taking care of myself. My current strategy of burying my head in the sand and hoping that things will get better on their own is damaging not only my mental health but also (at times) my physical health. This is something that I can do something about and it is something with measurable outcomes that allows me to attempt to improve my life, or at the very least navigate the difficulties that I face on a daily basis.

The second is that I live in a world that wants me dead.

It's taken me a long time to come to this realisation but it is undoubtedly true.

I see this now.

I live in a world that constantly devalues my existence, that insists that I adhere to neurotypical standards of "functioning" and of "productivity". I live in a world that will NOT under any circumstance change the rules because my brain cannot follow the rules already set in place. I live in a world that will throw me to one side and close their eyes to my daily struggle, just because it's not their problem. I live in a world that drives compassionate people into media-driven malevolence, towards those who need some help. I live in a world where I do not ask for help on a daily basis because I know that there's not much chance it will make any difference.

I recently wrote a long post about how I struggle with incontinence and after seeing various doctors, multiple times I have given up on ever finding out why it's an issue, and just resorted to "navigating" the issue myself.

I did have a referral for an ultrasound on my bladder but I missed it because I had a last minute, emergency, appointment with the out of hours GP at 5am that same day, because I had misplaced a whole box of my anti-depressant medication a few days earlier and was feeling an significant decrease in my mood.

I can almost hear the replies already.

"It's not up to the NHS or the government or anyone to help organise yourself."

"You could quite easily just get re-referred for the ultrasound."

I could write more but I'm too tired of this kind of shit to be bothered.

There's been plenty of proof that survival of the fittest is a lazy concept invented by dominant (white, cis, straight, middle class) people to justify their treatment of the subservient (working class, disabled, queer, POC), and I'm not going to justify that kind of attitude with a counter argument other than to say; get your fucking act together and pull your heads out of your arses before I forcibly do so myself.

I have "severe" problems with;

Attention

Organisation

Social interactions

Talking to people

Memory

Planning things in advance

Losing things

Following instructions

Sitting still

Changes in routine

Understanding social rules

The list could go on.

Why don't you try re-arranging a referral to a specialist, whilst facing these difficulties? You probably wouldn't fucking do it, let alone manage to get the second referral.

I have these problems not because I'm lazy and not because I don't try to overcome them, but because my brain works in such a way that I find these things difficult.

I did not choose this. I do not enjoy having these difficulties. I do not have these difficulties because I don't try  to overcome them.

I face these difficulties on a daily basis because this is the way my brain works.

I have no control over the fact that I find these things difficult, just like I have no control over my eye colour, or my height.

To ostracise a whole section of society and to force a great number of them to commit suicide, or be forcibly killed by unfair and unsafe assessments to their health, JUST BECAUSE of something they cannot control, (be it neurological or physical differences), is vile, heinous, and makes it very blatantly clear that although society believes the genocide of people (based on their differences) is consigned to our history, it is very much a part of our present.

I live in a world that wants me dead.

I live in a world that wants me dead and most people wouldn't bat an eyelid.

I LIVE IN A WORLD THAT WANTS ME DEAD BUT FUCK THAT SHIT I AIN'T DONE RAISING HELL JUST YET.

If you're not angry, then follow these steps;

Take your left hand.

Hold onto your right wrist.

Punch yourself in the face a few times.

See how it feels to beaten by someone who's supposed to be helping you.

Cry

With Anger

The Finnarchist/FionAwesome

Cross posted from my other blog: https://unremarkablethings.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/a-world-that-wants-me-dead/

[artistic-writer]

50 Questions for Fic Readers - Answers

Found this @captain-k-jones had posted and i figured i’d give it a go too!

What fandom(s) do you read? Prison Break & Once Upon a Time mainly, but i used to read BtVS, Angel, 24, House MD

If you could request more of a certain type of fic, which would it be?  AU...everyone loves a bit of AU! And POV...I absolutely love watching a scene and writing the characters POV, so more people should do it!

What is your favorite all-time fic? Trick of the Light by @msgenevieve447 without doubt is my all time favourite fic.  I read it when it was first written, and i have loved it like a good book ever since <3 <3

Do you ever re-read fics? How about triple-read? Yes! Yes! and Yes!  Whe nyou find that connection with a certain fic, or author, you become addicted!

Do you prefer angst or fluff? Angst.  I love nothing more!

Do you prefer long fics or short fics? I love long fics!  I like to get lost in them <3

Name some incomplete fics that you wish were completed. Uh...confession time. I try not to read incomplete fics unless i know the author...

Talk about the ships that you read. So i read Michael/Sara (PB) and Captain Swan (OUAT).  Good, old fashioned angsty couples who, against the odds, end up together.  And when they don’t, i’ll write an AU lol

Do you read smut? Of course, i am an adult!  But i write a lot more ;)

What’s the most hard-core smut or kinky fic you’ve ever read (be honest) Well, i don’t know...none have really stayed in my mind for too long.  I prefer writing them and hearing other people’s reactions :)

Do you read AUs? Who doesn’t :D  It is what fuels our good ships, is it not?

List a few of your favorite AUs. I can’t!  They are all so, sooo good!  If you head over to prisonbreakfic.net i would suggest @msgenevieve447 (pen name msgenevieve) because her AU’s are my favs. 

What type of AUs are your favorites? Give a general description. So i really like AU’s were the characters are meeting for the first time.  A lot of my own AU’s start this way.  I also really like AU’s when the characters are basically non-epliogue compliant versions of their show characters - same names, same jobs, same vices, etc. but with a twist.  Basically, i like change, but not too much lol

What makes you give up on reading a fic? Well, lots of things.  Writers who do not take the time to describe and set the scene irk me.  I am a bit autistic, so i HAVE to know what is in every scene.  Like, read any one of my fics and you will see i spend 1000′s of words desribing the fibres of the carpet lol  I hate it  when an author is so focused on getting to their goal they neglect to let me know stuff my brain deems important.  It’s not enough that one character might give another some flowers, i want to know what the flowers look like, what colour they are, what they smell like, how a few petals might have the faintest sign of the colour fading, you know?  And grammar.  Bad grammar makes me sad.

What makes you pick up a fic, what makes it sound interesting? I love it when authors quote a tiny tidbit of their fic in the summary, and its so intriguing i need to know more!  Also, the pairing as a huge influence on what i read - if i am not a fan of the character in the show, i probably will not read it unless you ask me to.

Name a fic that made you cry (or that made you come close). I can’t say that many have to be honest, not that i can remember.  Maybe ten years ago, but this is my comeback to fandom, so i’m going to have to re-read everything!

Name a fic that made you laugh a lot. Again, i don’t recall.  I generally don’t read humor fics...

Do you have a fic recommendation page or master list? I don’t, but if you have one for CS or MS, link me!

How many fics do you think you’ve read before? Who can put a number on this?  Ten years ago, i could honestly say i had probably read the entirity of fics posted on LJ and PBF, but now there are so many more authors around, i’d better catch up!

What’s the weirdest fic you’ve ever read? Describe it. God, it was a BtVS fic where Giles and Xander were a couple and Giles was pregnant (?), and Spike and Buffy were a couple, but Spike was a dwarf (?!), and they were all on an adventure to Oz, to get a heart, brain, courage, etc. You get it.  But the author was off their mind crazy so it was just...weird.  I think it’s about that time i stopped offering to beta because i couldn’t handle the weirdness lol

Do you read crack!fic? Not really but i will if recommended

Name a few of your favorite crack!fics. None spring to mind lol

Has fluff ever made you cry? What about angst? Fluff generally doesn’t. I am far too blackened in RL to find fluffy stuff too emotional.  I love me a good bit of Angst though, and i have to really get invested to cry  Haven’t for a long time.

What’s the longest fic you’ve ever read?  Only a few spring to mind. Safe House by @msgenevieve447 and Fighting Back by Pemphredo, but lots of great authors write great series!

What’s your opinion on reading dubious consent or no consent? I’ll read it, but mainly out of curiosity for writing styles.  I find it fascinating to know how people interpret certain situations within the confines of the English language. 

Name a type of fic you’ll never ever read. I’ll never not read something, but i wmight give up on it pretty quickly if its a bit...much lol

Name a type of fic that you wish there was more of. CS/PB crossovers!  Because, why not. :p

Who are your favorite fanfiction author(s)? So forgive me that these are all PB writers, but i am still reading a lot of ONCE fics and getting to know the authors.  So, @msgenevieve447, @wrldpossibility Clair_de_lune, halfshellvenus, Bec/volatile, Foxriverinmate, happywriter, Lyaiso, CutePoison, Rosie_spleen...so many good writers, i cannot name you all!

When you find an author you like, do you follow them? Yes, normally after reading just ONE of their fics too!

How often do you read fanfiction? Everyday, normally in bed or on my lunch breaks!

Do people know that you read fanfiction? Only my husband in RL.

Do you leave reviews after reading fics? If so, what do they sound like? I like to because every good author deserves to know that they have succeeded.  We all thrive on the comments of others, so i like to tell them what i really enjoyed, what parts stuck out to me most and encourage them as much as i can :)

When you read a good fic, do you go to the author’s page? Of course.

Name a common type of fic that you cannot stand. I am pretty easy, i will read anything, but my absolute pet hate is when i read smut/pwp fanfics and the author tries to be so eloquent and fantastical with their language and then used the word “cock” or “cunt”. Just no.  Don’t ruin it!  Just...find another way!  I don’t think i have ever used either of those words in any of my smut fics. lol

Name all the Work in Progress fics that you are currently reading. I’m not actually reading an WIP...got any?

Has a fic ever left you unable to fall asleep or think about anything else?  Yes.  Remember that Trick of the Light?  I recently sat up until 3 am reading it again which was fine, except i had work at 5am :D

Are you good about keeping up when reading Work in Progresses? Yes of course, but i am also the annoying person who notices glaring obvious plot descrepencies and continuity errors.

Name some of your favorite fic recommendations pages. I dont have any!

Name a fanfiction author that you’re scared to talk to because they’re so amazing.  So @msgenevieve447 was always my favourite author when i joined the PB fandom.  I practically stalked her on LJ and PBF and we never really got to chatting much because I was scared!  She had won fanfic awards!  And then recently, some wonderful ladies decided to ressurrect Prisonbreakfic.net and i was asked on board as an admin/graphics/fanart/limited coding skills.  That’s when, after nearly a decade, i grew a pair and actually starting talking to her! haha!  Turns out, we are just normal people doing normal people things with a common interest - go figure! :p

Have you ever written fanfiction or considered it? Pfft...have i ever written fanfic?! Of course!  I wrote it before i read it!

Name a fic that has a perfect ending. Everyone’s idea of a perfect ending is different ;)

Name a fic that you wish was longer. Tough one...

Do you read OT3 fics commonly? Have you ever? Of course! However, I have to be in the mood.  I’m so possessive of my OTP’s, putting a third wheel in there is sometimes damning for my soul.  I have a thing for Michael/Sara/Linc sometimes.

Do you mainly read TV shows, movies, or books? Yeah, just TV shows.

Do you read fanfiction about Anime? Noooooo

If you could imagine the perfect fic, what would it be like? My perfect fic would be AU, but there are so many possible scenarios running through my head i couldn’t pin down just one!  They would forever be Michael/Sara though, a happy/non-happy ending (lots of angst!) and a good fight!  I love me a good fight! 

If you had to introduce someone to fanfiction with a few fics, which would you suggest? Well, i would direct people straight to PBF if they have never seen it before.  There are so many great authors around there, and then to AO3, because there are literally thousands and thousands of results for the words “captain swan” :D

Have you ever read a fic containing character death? Yes of course.  Character death/suicide isn’t something i shy from.  We have all been there and as authors, we can take our characters there too.  It’s about how you  write it that makes it worth reading.

Do you have an AO3/Fanfiction.net/LiveJournal page? Link it. Prisonbreakfic.net - AO3 - FF

What sites do you typically use to read on? AO3 & PBF but i’ve noticed a lot of good fics on Tumblr!