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idliketobeatree · 7 months

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you wear guilt like shackles on your feet like a halo in reverse depeche mode | halo

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lunarharp · 26 days

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played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles

#dragon age tag #i doubt that will see much use again..but who knows. vvv rambling below #weird game..the characters dialogue stuff and ending were good tho :')#i've played some of the first game but it kept crashing. i knew already despite knowing nothing that this guy was going to be my type #it doesnt feel right making video game art any more bc games like this end up feeling really personal - an experience that happened to me #if i design the main character a bit and fall in love then..that happened to me..i can't make Fan Art of that..only ive been through that..#like i cant make fanart of my dear companions in bg3 despite it having been a huge part of my heart in the last year #almost 1000 hours of playtime in something i can barely talk about bc it means too much.... lol #tons of ideas and conversations and extra thoughts and scenes and emotions about all the incredible times i've been through in bg3 #and the maelstrom just rotates around intensely in my own heart forever...but that's ok too...that is so precious to me #but fortunately i already knew people that have played this game and talked/drew abt it recently so it was saved from that for me #sharing scribbly fanart on my Blog is a way to capture the feeling just after experiencing something so it has good points #witch hat atelier escapes that by not being a GAME. games are so immersive. but my wha art & feelings are incredibly immersive too #which makes it difficult sometimes now. i live a complicated and emotional life <3 i am not suited to fandom <3 #my character ended up looking so much like oru without me realising that's what i was doing. Kind bearded fireball throwing gay mage. Hmm.#falling for a sad white hair memory trauma fellow that keeps you at a tragic distance. Hmmmmmm.#i see also how very much bg3 is inspired by stuff like dragon age now lol so i'm glad i experienced it. I WANT MY KIRKWALL LIFE BACK...#so dated though as well and unpleasant at times (the city and the dismal atmosphere was depressing.) i hate violence/horror..#bg3 is SOOOO very dismal but it feels like I am killing people and going through horrors because i have to survive i have to be free #Well anyway. ahh it's so refreshing to fall in love. my gay journey continues...

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bunnihearted · 11 days

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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me

#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can #even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for #but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it #but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot #even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to #or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human #and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have #if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person #but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless #maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean #it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it #and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things #but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me #that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor #and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know #i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness #and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk #talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo #and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else #even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get #in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao #anyway whatever 😔

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thepromisedbride · 4 months

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i don’t talk about bridgerton on here but just to clarify. i will not be having ANY eloise hate on this account. i will bite.

#eloise bridgerton they could never make me hate you!!#addressing the normal talking points one by one to get them sorted:#- no i don’t care that eloise called pen some names after the discovery. she was devastated and furious.#she can apologise in the future but in the moment of course she said it #- yes pen did write about eloise as a way to save her but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t possibly ruined eloise’s life #- similarly: eloise isn’t (just) angry that she was written about. daphne also went through whistledown and it very much terrified her #so have many other women including marina #- eloise is betrayed because she told pen everything and is realising pen told her nothing #(and she’s probably thinking about any secrets she might have said to her best friend that could now be used against the ton and her family)#- as claudio said: being regency gossip girl isnt a moral girlboss thing its deeply harmful tbh #- pen did have reasons to become whistledown! that doesn’t mean that she’s innocent or right!#- eloise isnt now friends with cressida to spite pen lmao she’s alone and scared and cressida was the last person who offered her friendship #she has no idea how to manage society by herself #(and she needs someone to improve the reputation of her and her family)#- im also convinced she has other ulterior motives for befriending cressida. like she’s keeping an eye on her or smth #- eloise didn’t just ignore anything pen said and that’s why she only just figured it out. pen deliberately didn’t speak like lw to hide it #the moment she did eloise was like huh that’s weird she doesn’t normally talk like that. and THATS when she figured it out #- eloise just found out her best friend has betrayed her and been hiding this massive secret #but she hasn’t told anyone. not even her own family. im not hearing out any accusations of HER of being disloyal #- also pen clearly wasn’t that upset at writing about eloise bc the moment eloise and colin upset her she went straight back to it lmao #side note but no i don’t think the queen is going to name her the ‘emerald’ or anything because she’s suddenly in the spotlight #eloise is tbh the only debutante she actually consistently recognised (for good or bad)#a new dress is not going to be interesting for charlotte to change her whole tradition #tl;dr i love eloise and i will die on this hill #eloise bridgerton #bridgerton

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olliepurples · 5 months

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as a kaleidoscope of death reader, spirealm lin qiushi's reaction to li dongyuan pulling out a pic of ruan baijie is so interesting to me. he clearly knows who she is, but doesn't react with surprise at all; he's seen her before. however, thus far, ruan nanzhu has only ever presented male onscreen. therefore, lin qiushi must have met ruan baijie offscreen.

my hc scenario for this is that lin qiushi was just chilling at the obsidian house one time and ruan baijie walked out of a door and collapsed on the couch sighing. after a solid minute of thinking "who is that??? have they broken in??? do i need to tell someone???" cheng qianli walks in asks how ruan-jie is doing. cue several minutes of strained eavesdropping where lin qiushi tries to confirm if he heard right, before ruan baijie calls out to him to stop eavesdropping and make her a drink. this is the thing that confirms to lin qiushi that they are the same person.

#kaleidoscope of death #the spirealm #spirealm #ruan nanzhu #ruan baijie #lin qiushi #cheng qianli #if you want my opinion on spirealm lqs's reaction to rbj's gender #it's that he's weird about it at first (as in overly cautious about how to interact with her now not mean)#but eventually starts treating her normally again when he realises she acts p much exactly the same as she does as a man #i think spirealm rnz (as a man specifically) is a little sluttier than kod rnz (probably by virtue of the fact they didn't include rbj)#so i think they'd probably act even more similar in spirealm than in kod #anyway ruan baijie the woman you are <3 #we only got a glimpse of her but i latched onto it and refuse to let go #was slightly worried they were going to cut out rnz's weird gender completely #but thankfully there's a little nod to my queen in there <3 #also glad that kod is getting more fans now the drama is out!#i've been a fan for a couple of years and it's such a small community on here :(

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feline-evil · 5 months

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Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.

#metalocalypse #jay talkin #I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level #for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda #changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is #don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men #his transness wouldnt change that #only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically.#Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band #is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name;#over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had #he becomes more caring more supportive #it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind #and learns how to be a kinder man.#all of which have no contradictions with him being trans!#In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences #i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways #to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring.#Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL.#at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it #so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine #i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt #but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues #and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does #again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol #AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans #do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model #I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA

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melted-mercury · 1 year

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another one

the idea for this one was very much inspired by the Narratorverse, specifically Pollux (@kirchefuchs and also @anon-thelocal for good measure) and @janirah 's narrator whose name I believe is Birds (hope I'm not annoying any of you by tagging you, if so then I apologize)

like before, redraws are fine as long as I'm credited, I wanna see ppl's drawings

👍

#the stanley parable #tsp #tsp narrator #the narrator #narratorverse #paraverse #the mistholme museum of mystery morbidity and mortality #tmmommam #that is a strange acronym #mistholme museum #audio tour guide #if 🅰️non decides to be a little menace again then i only have myself to blame this time #im looking at this now and realising how weird the yellows look #but im not going back and recolouring everything now so what can you do #merc makes stuff

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enchantrum · 2 months

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tbh I think as squidfuckers rebuttals to common Emp arguments are being absorbed by fandom osmosis, people are starting to make shit up or exaggerate stuff because they're realising criicisms like "well I wanted to fuck a hot girl not a squid!" (the DG never makes moves on you so YOU'RE assuming consent) and "well maybe the Emperor should have just killed himself" (guess Omeluum should too?? or any of the party who become independent squids?) are fucking ludicrous

#the emperor bg3 #bg3 #the emperor #literally y'all were just mad because you wanted to fuck your DG #and now you're realising how dumb that is becuse the DG never comes on to you #Emp only hits on you after the reveal #y'all the ones acting like incels fr #dude is just trying to navigate his way to the elder brain #everything before that point is 100% gamer projection and entitlement #it'a also weird how people act like DG and Emp are two entirely different entities #like he's been protecting you and advising you and being an unofficial member of the party the whole game #and his personality/how he talks to you/even his body language doesn't change after the reveal #but o no he's not a hot girl anymore #girl this atttiude is WHY he won't reveal himself straight away smdh #also if you kill the DG in the prism and I think do other certain actions he doesn't come onto you at all #it's not a given that he will come onto you #it's based on him being optimistic that you have a bond based on certain actions #and he pointedly does not do anything to nurture or acknowledge that bond until you know what he is #literally the most ethical fucking 'catfish' in existence rgwegwg

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ableedingpromise · 2 months

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God I'm so fucking annoyed how come she gets to treat me however she likes and then gets to say she didn't mean it?????

#have u considered not constantly comparing me to ur abusive husband who hit u??????#since i was like 8 its really fucking weird #like who in their right mind tells their child theyre naturally destructive just like their father and then says ohhhhh but i didnt mean it #are u fucking insane #doesnt help that i look like him too everyone tells me that #and now she acts like me raising my voice once means she needs to walk on eggshells around me wtf #what about how u treated me from ages 13-16 #freak #i cant believe this shes treating me like im some scary stranger as if shes not the one with full financial control and that im this horribl #person go kill yourself omgjdjsjsjwjwwhwhhw #fuck u #last year was the worst year of my life and that was wholy bc of u you showed me what place i really have in this family and that it was not #hing. how is sveryrone so ready to throw me away??#yet everyone else gets to say shes sooo proetctive and loving fuck off you wouldnt even tell them youre treating me badly diedie diediediedi #i want to cut so bad bro #but i promised myself i wont so #i mean i dont even have any way of gettibg blades so whatver #just remembered her reaction to me cutting #nothing. yeah absolutely no reaction. i thought the worat thing that could happen was her gettjbg mad at me again but no #i realised there was somwthing worse. she just straight up doesnt care #useless mother #im fine w u treating me like shit ive accepeted it that i have no place in anyone's life unlesss i hive into this but at least #at least stop trying to confront me like this #just let me rot in peace #i really dont want to do this anymore #any time now she'll ask me if i was pretending to cry so i wpuldnt have to go out w her now #as if that isnt insulting #and then she'll say i wasnt trying to be rude!!! as if she hasnt always treated me like none of my feelings r real. i only ever overeact. ok

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jorvikzelda · 6 months

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today i had this Vivid memory flash through my mind of kissing my ex boyfriend (this was like 2018) and i felt so viscerally fucking revolted and I gotta say. it is truly impressive that I didn’t realise I’m a lesbian sooner than fucking half a year ago

#z talks #like the misidentifying as ace was Inevitable i think. that was due to repression that realising i didnt like men would not have fixed #(context: id’d as bi ace like. i wanna say 2016/17-2021/22 sometime and then went into ace and Questioning)#remember the time i really solidly settled on being aro because ‘romance has never not felt like a chore and putting on a facade’#babe no thats because your most recent and also singular long term relationship was with a Man #and thats the only one youre looking back on #its so funny how i dated a guy and it was so thoroughly Meh that i just didnt feel like pursuing anything romantic for a very long time #(A REACTION I HAD NOT HAD AFTER MY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS WITH GIRLS)#And DIDN’T somehow consider that maybe I just Didn’t Like Guys #its nothing i grieve or feel sad about dw its honestly mostly funny to look back on #no wrongs were committed and i dont hold a grudge against the guy it was just me being confused and compheted #(…which is also a weird word to apply because at the time i identified and was out to my friends as a trans guy Binary.#This Was Also Wrong.)#was a weird time man. a truly weird time #anyway. all is well i have now been on 2 dates with a really cute girl and she gave me tulips <3 #as part of a Care Delivery bc i had a Migraine and No Painkillers Or Snacks #get well flowers <333333 #and now i dream of kissing her under the moonlight #With the uh. Hornetposting lately it May seem unlikely but yes I DO interact with real women! Romantically!#They coexist Wonderfully <3 #Anyway. I’m gonna go to bed #Realising that im a lesbian solved all my identity problems including my fucking gender which is just fantastic #I am very happy and whenever I think of being a lesbian it grounds me to reality a little bit stronger and i go yeah. Yeah.

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innitmarvellous · 4 months

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So, after satisfying my educational needs by reading a bunch of books about asexuality (with mixed success, as some weren't very helpful) and trying to connect with the community on Tumblr (with no success, probably won't try again because memes about garlic bread and subjugating whole countries aren't very funny to me) I can finally go back to ignore and repress this issue in peace, haha.

I still greatly dislike it and yeah, I would give a lot to change it if I could - especially since people told me before that I'm unable to love (in an insulting way, not just as a fact) and I desperately wanted to prove them wrong. But alas, I can't change it. No one can, and sometimes you just have to swallow it and face the facts. So I guess I'll just have to learn how to feel like just having myself is good enough and get used to a life of solitude. I still dread the thought even now, but I consider myself a practical person...so if there's no way around it there's also no need to cry about it any longer, right? (And who am I kidding, I wouldn't have found a partner anyway :D) Still, that comes with the knowledge that a part of me will always be unhappy, which is not that nice, but there's nothing to be done about that either :/

Anyway, the people who followed me for other things will probably be happy to hear this...I must have been such an annoyance, lol. There might be one or two related posts in my queue (can't remember rn, but it's possible), but that's it. Time to go back to more important things, aka fandom stuff!

#i certainly annoyed myself #but idk sometimes even just trying to find out things about yourself might be worth it #even if the results aren't very satisfying or not what you wanted to find #and i know i'm late with this but i only now realised how fucking weird it is that i could look at a hot person...#...and not feel the same thing as everyone else or nothing at all...randomly had this thought and it stayed with me ever since #asexual #asexuality #aspec #personal

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ilovefredjones · 9 months

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siblings are so crazy like there’s just another person in my house and i get to punch them

#didn’t realise the weird unconscious things i do with my sisters until i befriended an only child who is now also my new sister #like i do this thing with my sisters where i hold out my hands #one hand palm up and the other palm down #and they do the opposite palms #and we just clap hands together whilst we talk. and this is a normal established thing #and i held my hands out to my friend to do that yesterday #& they were like ????? so i taught them how to do it. and. only children must be so deprived #and now i’ve siblingified them & they were like WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO NOW OVER CHRISTMAS #>:)

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hella1975 · 1 year

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i love how i started taking the pill bc my periods were so bad physically and the pill just went 'no more cramps! mentally we're putting you in a blender tho'

#idk why but for my past three periods and maybe even longer and i just wasn't noting it bc 1) i dont actually get periods anymore #so i can only realise it's my time of the month bc people around me have synced and/or emotionally im such a shitshow that is has to be #and 2) it's only now im seeing a pattern and earlier cases might have just seemed like one offs #but for at LEAST the past three ive been like. fucking manic every time and im not using that word lightly i know it gets chucked about #way too easily but truly i dont know any other word that would describe the way i get and how extreme it is #like i literally dissociate from myself and im detached from my emotions on a good day as we know bc of that long as fuck post just now #so it's EXTRA detrimental when it's increased like this and i just. i dont know how to even explain it #i just lose my SHIT and not in the mainstream mentally ill way that's become palatable and desired #i mean in actual weird and concerning ways and im just like. unqualified and scared and dealing with it by myself #bc people dont talk about this shit anyway and i dont talk about ANYTHING i dont know HOW to even if i wanted to #im truly very sorry for all this i promise it's just my period el oh el #hysterical woman moment! nurse lock her in the room with the yellow wallpaper NOW #hella goes home

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kavehater · 5 months

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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness

#There’s this specific part of the song #It srsly alters my brain chemistry #Anyways #i hate tumblr sm #Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm #No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much #Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely #Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D #The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it #The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc #To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th #Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious #And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei #It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking #To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I #Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia #And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games #All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car #Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke #Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon #Like me go mad with all these things #Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily #Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable #Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more #Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻

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dungeons-and-dragon-age · 1 year

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yes i make all my hawkes black haired for shits n giggled but that doesn't mean i can't make lilian fake-black

#this is semi canon but it is in my head regularly xD #just because why not #and also because it would be very funny to me if seb (ergo the only companion who wasnt around in act 1)#would not realise that she is fake until he sees carver in act 2 for the first time #yes he did see her in act 1 but he didnt exactly remember every detail and simply assumed it has always been black #this is not important in any way but she *would* tease him with it forever #like my friend have you never noticed my roots coming thru. have you never noticed that my body hair is not black #and he'd just get flustered like well i didnt look THAT closely #(theyre good friends btw)#laya plays dragon age #i may have brainfleas rather than brainworms bc they jump around all over the place all the time lmao #but they all get back to the same thing & circle around each other #been spending way too much time in the black emporium w robin and came out with the exact same look hdshsh #technically i would remove the beard bc i think they would feel dysphoric abt it at this time but also the face looks weird without it #& i cant get the face to look how i want #so beard stays on #gotta draw them to figure them out maybe idk #for now tho: recruitment time!! i need to gather my disaster gang <33

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loverboydotcom · 1 year

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bro the post grad "what the hell do i do now" is so real

#like not about what to do with my life ive already had that crisis #literally just on a day to day level im like what do i do with myself??? LMAO #like i guess ill read?? i can read now?? guilt free?? my switch is charging for the first time in months??#i need to apply for jobs but i already have a lot of things going on in september in my personal life so im trying to breathe whilst i can #genuinely think im gonna get so much writing done just by virtue of wanting a routine #if my body will allow me #im sooooo fatigued omg #its weird bc i felt like i hadnt done a lot at all this last year #which i rejected anyway because i have been doing things i just. on a smaller level bc of everything #and now im like waittt i was GRIEVING #like im still grieving but it was only catching up w a friend today i realised how much lighter my head feels re the grief now #so its like besides finishing my degree everything is the same as it has been the last year but i feel like #idk i feel like i could function??#i mean we'll see.......but im optimistic #might be silly and do a tarot reading #(does not know how tarot readings work i just have my moms old decks)

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