#or 'i thought i was racist or homophobic for thinking the sex scenes suck' from you guessed it! white women LMAO

[maxellminidisc]

Genuinely tired of white women giving their opinion on the Handmaiden like you guys just dont get it and that's that

[maccreadysimp]

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

[angeloncewas]

dont wanna make this ask long bc i am tired and dont have the energy to be a well spoken (?) person rn but it probably will be long anyways, so sorry!! but like. as somebody who has hyperfixated on both idubbbz and schlatt (along with a plethora of other problematic content creators, i really know how to fuckn pick em!!) they absolutely foster a dogshit community, at least outside of platforms like tumblr, where like. you cant really avoid fandom culture like you can on twitter or ig, if that makes sense. on here, if you wanna post about your favorite youtuber, whether you tag it or not, other fans will likely see and if you say some bad shit, you will likely get called on it, whereas on ig basically only your followers will see it even if you use a hashtag and on twitter its like if you arent in a subtwt/fandom then you basically dont interact with any subtwt at all unless its an accident, ya know?

so like. i think what im trying to say here is that while ive met a lot of fans of both these creators, especially schlatt, who are great people as far as i can tell, i am also specifically on the fandom side of things and as soon as i step out of that space i realize that a lot of people who watch them are not actually minorities like me and my mutuals who can catch on to satire or who watch their more behind the scenes stuff where you can see them act like a decent person or even call out people for the things they usually joke about which just. fucking sucks. it sucks that, as much as i do believe schlatt is actually a good person (and sort of idubbbz, although i dont really watch him much anymore for a plethora of reasons, mostly related to the fact that i cant stand his jokes anymore even if he is playing a character as he's said before), he also keeps doing terrible fucking things and im really glad his actual friends have been calling him on it recently, especially after that jackbox video (which is a whole other thing on its own bc it literally seemed like nobody wanted to be there basically the entire video?? like as somebody who watched all the jackbox videos before that one, it was really fucking off in that call and the jokes were next level fucking upsetting), but sometimes it's just kinda like. exhausting. bc his community is already fucking bad now, you cant undo accidentally fostering a community of fucking racist homophobes who dont get that you're playing a character, unless you kinda drop off and build a whole new community from that, which would be stupid to do at this point in his career. not really sure where i was going with this tbh, but i thought i would chime in on this discussion as a viewer of mainly schlatt, but also a past idubbbz viewer who is basically a seasoned fucking vet at dealing with shitty fanbases because of him and many other dumb youtube white boys

(also, note on that anisa thing: ian's main fanbase was definitely pissed just bc she does sex work and a lot of them are too fucking young or just too fucking dense i guess to clock the fact that he's putting on an act bc, like i said before, they either dont watch his behind the scenes content, or they do and they kinda just miss those moments between still trying to entertain where he gets genuine. that being said, a lot of people outside of his fanbase were also pissy bc anisa is a less than spectacular lady if you really do your research on her, kind of a bad person but it's not something a lot of people know about, especially since one of the few videos made on it was by fucking creepshow art)

sorry for the rant again, i feel like i do this every other week now and i apologize, you just seem to have the best discourse and i enjoy partaking <3 hope you have a good rest of your day/night/whatever time you're reading this!

—🦷

Thank you for the input (don't mind the rant !) and I hope you have a good rest of your day too <3 For post length, I'll answer under the cut :)

Yeah, I get what you mean (I think ahdsufsd). Fandom as a concept is pretty... I don't even know how to describe it, but it's the kind of thing that I feel like white male Redditors would think of as pussy shit, y'know? Like the Ricegum gang isn't a fucking "fandom" they're a... well, a fandom, but they're not gonna admit to that. So when you step outside of a community like Tumblr (the queerest place on the internet TM) you come into contact with the faces of the fandom you're dealing with and oftentimes they're a lot less like you than you might've thought from the similar interest. It's like going to a Weezer concert and realizing you're surrounded by incels (this is a JOKE).

Satire's a rough topic because some people don't think it should exist at all. Like any words that can be directly interpreted as bigoted or problematic should not be uttered. I disagree with that, I think it's one of the most interesting forms of both social commentary and comedy, but I do see the problem. There are people who watched Filthy Frank (to take an example from that other anon) and didn't know or care what the point of his actions were (I don't know what they were tbh - I never watched him, but it sounds like he's a pretty decent dude) and instead read his jokes as-is. There are thousands upon thousands of people who aren't gonna get satire and that's a problem because if they're already bigoted they're gonna see people like Schlatt and iDubbz and whoever else as truly validating.

(Largely unrelated but yo, is iDubbz still going? Are the views alright? Is the adsense popping? Has he just kept going with Content Cops? I haven't heard about him since the girlfriend thing dropped.)

"you cant undo accidentally fostering a community of fucking racist homophobes who dont get that you're playing a character, unless you kinda drop off and build a whole new community from that"

I think this is what's pertinent when it comes to discussing Schlatt. After the Jackbox video (for me at least, he might've been there before) he put himself at a crossroads. If he'd apologized, said "sorry, I took it too far, that was a mistake" - yeah, plenty of people wouldn't have forgiven him and plenty of bigoted fans of his would've said that the apology was just to placate the snowflakes on Twitter, but to the sort of in-between people it would've shown that he's able to recognize and reconcile his mistakes. He could've transitioned into content that's A) actually good (when I say that the video was bad I don't just mean in terms of racism, I mean it straight up was not entertaining) and B) less "edgy" for the sake of. I wouldn't expect him to go uwu squeaky clean, but he's already reeled in the bad people, so if he really wanted to foster a good, progressive audience, he has to do something significant to show that.

But he didn't.

Maybe for the sake of his career, maybe because he likes those bigoted fans, maybe because he just doesn't get it - I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know. I spoke earlier about doing what is right over what is easy and in the case of Schlatt it just feels like he really did take the easy way out. Whoever he is in his personal life doesn't change how he's perceived online and the kinds of people that are idolizing him for it.

(And yeah I saw the video on Anisa when I Googled her to check if they were still dating, but then I saw who it was made by and I was like oh well whatever avhfdfkj)

[noxstellacaelum]

No, it’s not just because the guy is hot ... and other BS about a female fan base (Looking at you Veronica Mars and Shadowhunters)

So, I suck at Tumblr.  I changed my name and suddenly all of my links are broken.  A friend asked me to repost this when she could not find it, so apologies for round 2.

I wrote recently about how filtering female characters through the male gaze can cause a project’s “center of gravity” to shift away from the agency and autonomy of female characters. This is how we end up w/ stories where women are there (narratively) to be pretty arm candy, or objects of sexual desire, or romantic partners (half a ship) vs characters who shape their own romantic and life choices. This is how we get female characters subjected to endless, pointless pain and trauma — usually sexual assault/ rape narratives (GoT, Veronica Mars). Or female characters who sacrifice endlessly and forgive every transgression, so that a man can be redeemed/ understood/ forgiven. (Why else would Buffy forgive Spike?) As I said, I don’t think every silly, guilty pleasure TV show or movie has to be a feminist icon story. Men can tell good stories about women. And give me flawed, complicated, nuanced characters and relationships any and every day of the week. I prefer truthful storytelling, not a kind of hagiography w/a side of feminism for my female characters.

Still, I had to just shake my head — after gagging on my coffee — when I saw the recent TV Line article quoting a senior executive at HULU as saying that the negative reaction to the ending of S4 Veronica Mars was A-O-K b/c it was a testament to how much people love the show. And, that the end was all part of RT’s super-well-thought-grand-plan to make VM into a noir detective show where Veronica solves random mysteries in random places and has no friends, no family, no relationships — having been an asshole to everyone in S4. Never mind S4 Veronica’s questionable detective skills, as evidenced by her failure to figure out who was behind the bombings until it was too late. Yeah. Whatever.

Of course, I didn’t stop at the article. I had to look at the comments. The official RT fanboy line appears to be that people who hated the ending are basically weak, stupid (heterosexual, I guess) girls who are upset that we won’t get to look at Jason D’s abs anymore. Apparently, we just don’t understand RT’s art and vision. Sad, really.

And so it goes. Once again, female fans are reduced to unthinking, stupid, crying hordes upset when we don’t get our happily-ever-after.

This is such complete and total bullshit. I hated all of S4 Veronica. VM in S4 is an unrecognizable asshole. She mocks Logan for seeking help for his PTSD. She misses or ignores her dad’s health crisis. She’s casually racist. She randomly uses drugs w/ strangers. She’s terrible to her friends (Weevil). And she’s the worst detective ever. Killing Logan off as some kind of suffer porn for VM was just one more piece of the shitty story telling that was S4. Especially since there was zero narrative explanation of how or why smart, gritty teenager Veronica fell into the abyss of self-loathing, self-absorption and cruelty that defines her in S4.

To my mind, though, the mansplaining from HULU, RT and crew is one of many examples of how Hollywood dismisses female fans along with female characters. In addition to Veronica Mars, I’ve written about how Shadowhunters TV betrayed both its female characters and many of its female fans. And, just as happened w/ Veronica Mars, when people objected, the show runners and their shills told us that we didn’t understand the showrunners’ art or storytelling; that we were upset bc not all of the couples got a wedding, that fan fiction could sort out the narrative mess left after the finale. As if completely sidelining the protagonist and her romantic partner, then tacking on a rom com meet cute at the end, made it all ok.

It wasn’t OK. It was BS. And, depressingly, not a surprise when one examines how the show treated its female characters and fan base all along.

- Cassie Clare, the author behind the six book series, has hinted on her Tumblr blog that from the very beginning, the male producers and show runners behind the TV adaption did not value her heavily female fan base. The show even added a lot of computers/ tech (explicitly NOT canon in the Shadowhunters universe), and made a character a police officer (not a bookstore owner) when it launched to attract an older male audience according to Clare. (Apart from the non-canon aspect of computers, stereotyping much on who likes tech?).

More importantly, the storytelling around female characters, and the treatment of their sexuality, showed the lack of regard the show had for female characters and their fans. Where to even start:

- The show aged-up the characters — which I am totally on board with — but then cast an actor who is only six years older than Matt D. (he played Alec) to play Mayrse, Alec’s (and Izzy and Jace’s adoptive) mother. 6 years!?! There are plenty of skilled, age appropriate performers one could have picked. Don’t tell me that casting decision was the product of anything other than the male gaze.

- Book Mayrse is a complicated and not always likeable character. Totally cool. Show Mayrse exists in S1 of SHTV for the sole purpose of being bigoted and homophobic re Alec (with a side of slut-shaming for her daughter Izzy). Then, in S3, she exists solely to punished (w/ a random de-rune-ing) and then redeemed for her homophobia by becoming “captain of the Malec ship.” S3 Mayrse seems to be entirely unaware that she has other children. Not Izzy. And not depressed, and suicidal Jace. A more richly observed character who is a mother would not act this way.

-Book Izzy is sexy and body positive. And a formidable warrior. Awesome. Show Izzy is often reduced to slutty eye candy in S1. She’s turned into a drug addict in S2. And, then, in S3 and the finale, she’s charged w caretaking duties for Jace (bc the show ignored the parabatai bond bw Alec and Jace and Mayrse was absent, as noted above). And, in the climactic fight scene, she’s disarmed by Clary (who had been training for a couple of months at that point) and needs to be saved by Simon, her non-Shadowhunter soon to be boyfriend. Simon is hugely heroic in the books, as is Clary, but their heroism is not at the expense of, or in place of, Izzy’s strength and heroism. (Or, maybe it’s that show Simon saves show Izzy from show Clary that’s the problem: book Izzy would not have been bested by Clary, book Clary never would have attacked her friends and chosen family, and the dark Clary made zero narrative/ emotional sense.

- Clary, the protagonist, is wholly sidelined in 3B and the finale. I won’t go down this rabbithole again, except to say that the show’s decision to strip Clary of her entire narrative arc — her mother, her father figure, her memories, her magic, her identity her chosen family, and her love — deeply, deeply betrayed the character and her fans.

- And, as I’ve written before, the dark Clary storyline seemed more about putting Kat M. In sexy clothes and having her act in a sexually aggressive way toward Jace (let’s call it what it was - the show hinted that she went down on Jace in a club while Jace was distraught over losing Clary and basically roofied) (bc sexually aggressive women are either slutty or evil on SHTV, I guess.). It made no sense.

-The whole Climon storyline was cringe worthy, and her weird shame-y commentary on Jace’s past sex life made no sense either.

- Maia hooking up w/ Jace behind a bar, and forgiving her attacker.

The list goes on and on.

I am sick and tired of Hollywood reducing female characters and female fans to unsophisticated, silly, shallow people looking only for the love of a (generally straight white) man. I am sick of shows sacrificing female characters and their fans to tell stories about other characters, even when those stories are worthy. (We shouldn’t have had to choose between, say, Magnus, Alec and Malec, and Clary, Jace and Clace.). I am sick of characters and fans serving as a mirror or vehicle for other characters’ stories.

Female fans watch TV. We buy movie tickets. We participate in fandoms. Stop telling us that we should be content w/ scraps from the storytelling table.

[toomuchbroadwayquotes]

This might be ignored,its a long read, but if you want to have your forces restored on feminism my dead feminists i really wanted to share something that is making me tear up every 5 seconds.

As some of you might now, in my country (Brasil) we currently have a situation where our "president" is a misogynist (said he had a bunch of boys, they he went weak and have a daughter that's a "small" example for yall), homophobic ( said he would beat the gay out of his son if he ever "got it"), racist ( talking about killing native Indians and saying slaverism was a choice yadayada) anyways, just a piece of crap, we call him Bozo, like the clown. Well ever since his election we have been feeling so down (I'm sure my American friends can share the feeling). We are the country that kills more transexual people on the world. And it's not even illegal here, that would put into perspective. So, all this are real, serious problems, but bear with me as I get I little... naive maybe?. Well we had 20 seasons of BigBrother over here (Or BBB, Adding the Brasil at the end) and the show is on "the liberals tv channel, all the conservatives try to boycott it yadda yadda ") . But this season is just a gem. I feel like a revolution is happening and (I'm crying rn) I can't even put into words. Its gonna sound ridiculous, but you have to understand that 1) TV is a huge part of our culture, and is 100% connected with politics for us. 2)This show has been silencing woman, making men do anything they want without consequences and put woman as simple objects for their enjoyment. And somehow every year we wouldcomplain about how that was the reflection of our country. Something like this year edition NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

Our LGBT movies, Theather and books are being censoreds right now. Our country is on the verge of becoming a conservative doom.

The secretary of health system said :abstinence of sex is the best way to avoid DSTs and pregnancies. THATS HOW DEEP IN SHIT WE ARE. And we feel voiceless. Is like they are the majority you know?

Is like, you know when Katniss made every distric rebel by leading an example on the hunger games? Is THAT KIND OF SHIT. So, firsts things first:

I will introduce you the leaders of our current feminist movement

First, Thelma, she is not just ya regular powerful black queen. She is a doctor, with a bunch of degrees on stuff I can't even pronounce,she is specialized on anesthesia and she is a resident like those bad ass ones in grey's anatomy. She she is A BOSS. She is strong, and even though she is not 100% familiar with the feminism in "theory" she lives it in practice with out even knowing it ( now she knows, cause the other two are teaching her!) I want to make clear that on this reality show, the majority of the public has always been racist, and black people normally are eliminated first, yes it sucks and is one of the reasons I stopped watching a long time ago, as most of us millenials, but thank God we came back. She isn't going ANYWHERE CUZ WE ARE NOT LETTING THAT HAPPEN.

The second one is Marcela, every since the first we saw her she said loud and clear:I AM A FEMINIST, she is also a Doctor. She calls her self doctor unicorn, she is an OB/GYN and choose her career because she wanted to fully support her transexual brother /yess/, she is also expert on female sexuality and give classes about it, think Carina Deluca. She also takes care of sexual abuse victims. Oh yeah, she is bisexual as well. And everyone is shipping her with the next one btw.

Now our last warrior: Gizelly, She is a Lawyer, and she advocates for woman, she has suffered all the types of abuse from her ex husband and after all the trauma, she decided no one would do that to her again. Feminist, we call her the hurricane, she just shoots fire and defends any woman that is being belittled.

What happened was, some guys decided they would "seduce"any woman who was in a relationship outside the reality show, so they would look bad, and be eliminated easily. Wellx those 3 heard that, and they just couldn't get quiet. They went and tell all the girls about it. Some of them didn't believe them, the guys said they were CRAZY, and were LYING (what a shock)

The confrontation scene:

So one of them said: If I am lying, I will be eliminated this round. If I'm back, then you are the lier. So, regular reality show stuff right?

Here are some things you should know: Marcela, the leader ( as she was the one with the initiatives) was anonymous when she first got on the show, and 13 days later, she had 2 MILLION FOLLOWERS. Every feminist, every LGBT+ and ally on this country just woke up ya know?. We were all mad as hell that they were being treated as liars, but, and that's a HUGE but, the guy mentioned earlier was against one that was even worse. He was touching inappropriately the girls while they were completely DRUNK at the parties ( they wouldn't remember later), he was the one who actually made said plan mentioned before, but they didn't knew at the house because he was a completely different person when he was alone with the guys. A complete scumbag, he mocked and made fun of every woman on the house because of their looks etc. Sooo, all those millions of feminists watching were like : "do we take the biggest jerk and make the girls think we think they are lying or ?" Well, we decided to take the bigger toxic monster first, and left the other one for the next. But we had a special card. Every year, after the show starts, they put a glass house in the middle of a mall, with 4 candidates inside, we vote for 2 of them to be on the actual show yada yada. What happened was:people started showing off by the mall, with posters, begging for whomever got in the house to :"PLEASE TELL THE GIRLS EVERYONE BELIEVE THEM. THAT THEY ARE NOT LYING. THAT THEY HAVE MILLIONS OF SUPPORTERS. THAT HE ONLY CAME BACK BECAUSE THE OTHER WAS WORSE ETC"

So, last night was elimination day, the worst one got out with 80% elimination A victory for us (there were 4 people on this run, and one of them is a Black guy, fat, older than everyone else, and by history, he would obviously be the first eliminated but he was the one with LESS VOTES. AGAIN THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED IN OUR COUNTRY SPECIALLY SINC THE FOURTH PERSON COMPETING IS A CARISMATIC YOUNG KOREAN MAGICIAN YOUTUBER WITH A NETWORTH OF MILLIONS, BUT THE BLACK GUY WAS LESS VOTED THAN HIM, GUYS I CAN'T STOP WRITING IN CAPS.The second worst one tho, comeback celebrating, saying he knew he was right. Singing victory. The girls were crashed. No one understood and they all started crying and talking about how it was a reflection of our country, but that they wouldn't change their ideals etc. (Again, they didn't knew everything trash bag number one did, cuz he did it in secret so they thought it was an answer)... well, 2am, the couple from the glass house got in. And they told them. They said everything. How the public loves them, and the why the other one got out first, and how we knew they were saying the truth. This part is just a sweet ending for y'all. They then proceeded to get all the woman in one bedroom and talked and talked, they even explained to the ones who had some deep patriarchal mindset and were believing the boys up until that point, they had conversations about feminism, about not accepting to be treated that way, they cried, they were so relieved, it's silly because is a reality show, but last night everyone felt like we were supported. Like, people got our backs! People agree that we wont take that bullshit anymore. In other editions those guys would be the handsome guys that all the girls would die to be with, you know? But know they are the villains. It happened. The girls are not the crazy ones. They are not the powerless wones. They were the STRONG ONES forming OPINIONS, moving the big pieces on the board.

I can't even talk about how this will impact on many young girls, especially with all those girls having such strong stories you know? Today is a reality show but whatch us on the booting vote! Watch us at the March's. Just watch us. I'm telling y'all. Brasil is gonna turn this shit upside down.

Anyways here is a little clip of when our guardian Angel Dan, told the girls that they should trust Marcela's word

The relief the felt, we all felt. Having your word taken seriously after being called crazy and lier...

( even the production of the show tryied to deny the guys plan was real before the videos started pouring up, and they had to take back after saying on national television that Marcela was lying. Because that was the standard)

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

What Men Want

So first off, I thought this movie was going to be so cringey. I expected nothing less from director Adam Shankman, who you may know as the director and choreographer of Hairspray and who I may know as my favorite guest judge on the best seasons of So You Think You Can Dance. What Men Want is the gender-flipped version of the 2000 Mel Gibson movie, What Women Want. The answer to that movie’s question was 1) for men to just like, listen, and also not be assholes? and 2) stop letting Mel Gibson be in movies. Well it’s 19 years later, and at least we got half of one of those things still going strong. So what’s the answer to the 2019 version, which sees Ali Davis (Taraji P. Henson) suddenly privy to all the innermost thoughts of every man she’s near? Well...

Treat them like people? Like, with respect and dignity? I think that’s what the film was getting at, but it’s sort of obscured by all the bro-y dick jokes, racism, and misogyny. 

Some thoughts: 

I’ll be honest with you - I thought this was going to be SO stupid but honestly, this giant conference room full of men in which Ali is one of maybe 2 or 3 women in it? Yeah, that’s WAYYY too many men and this vibe is so real. So there are at least some glimmers of an actual point to this movie’s whole existence.

Also Taraji P. Henson’s wardrobe is incredible. She’s like a beacon of awesome style in the midst of all these boring suits. She’s magnetic, she’s vivacious, and I have no idea how anyone would possibly pick one of these boring dudebros over her, given the option.

Ok but wait, I mean, it sucks that she didn’t get the promotion but you can’t just call all your coworkers backstabbing bitches. That’s an HR violation, not cool, girl.

Damn Aldis Hodge is so charming and hot as Ali’s love interest, Will. I’ve loved him since season 1 of Supernatural and he just keeps getting better with age. He’s smooth, disarming, and the kind of hot that feels accessible, you know? This first sex scene is truly terrifying though - and I know you’re an A-list star now, but no one keeps their bra on, Taraji. Nothing feels less realistic in a sex scene than that.

Honestly the entire condom-on-the-back sequence is so horrifyingly unprofessional, it’s no wonder Ali didn’t get this promotion.

The main reason this film is rated R is because men are gross, and I just feel like everyone in the room deserves better than this. 

As far as performances go, though, everyone feels a little bit uneven or off their game with the exception of Hodge and Erykah Badhu, who is clearly having the time of her motherfucking life here as the psychic who helps guide Ali through her newly acquired men-hearing powers. But Taraji is pinballing between manic and brooding in almost every scene, and she doesn’t quite have the physical comedy chops of say, Aisha Tyler, or even Gabrielle Union to help sell this implausible premise when the script is lacking. I think I might enjoy her more as unintentionally funny rather than purposefully funny. Pete Davidson and Max Greenfield are basically just phoning in their supporting roles. And while watching athletes play exaggerated versions of themselves is delightful, no one is giving Reggie Miller or Shaq an Oscar for their performances here.

This soundtrack is very basic, very obvious song choices but damn, there are some good cuts here - like “Bills, Bills, Bills” during the poker scene, hell YES.

I know this is nitpicky, but it feels weird that the punchline to Kellan Lutz’s big “ooh let’s have a spontaneous hookup” scene is 1) he’s into BDSM and 2) he’s so serious about it that he has a whole room devoted to it. Like, it does not take an expert in the field to clearly see that there ain’t NO WAY that man buckled himself into all that gear in the 2 minutes it took her in the bathroom. So not only is your punchline lame, obvious, and totally off the mark when it comes to actual BDSM practices (because none of that was safe, sane, OR consensual), but it also doesn’t logically make any sense. I will admit that it made me laugh in the credits when his character’s actual credited name was “Captain Fucktastic” though. 

Turns out, even after all these years, I still hate hearing anything that comes out of Tracy Morgan’s mouth.

This promo video is so embarrassing, it looks like it was made on racist iMovie. Big booty hos and gold chains are the only way to get a young black basketball player to sign with you, right? God, it would be embarrassing for them if it wasn’t so damn appalling. 

Is the only narrative for sports agents pulling a Jerry Maguire and going free agent? That’s the plot of actual Jerry Maguire, Ballers, and now this. Are there any sports agents that just...stay where they are? How do they even get anything done if everyone’s just waiting for everyone else to Jerry Maguire?

Also, anything and everything having to do with queer issues in this film is pretty fucked up. Ali’s assistant Brandon (Josh Brener) is gay, and when he starts to date a fellow employee, per Ali’s mind-reading suggestion, they share one spinning hug, and that’s it. There’s no other expressions of desire or affection, not even one kiss, as there would be for any straight couple that Ali played matchmaker for. There’s also a revelation during a big wedding scene at the end where Ali gets drunk, decides THEN is the best time to stop the wedding (not in the weeks leading up to it when she definitely could have) and reveals a whole host of secret affairs, including one woman’s husband sleeping with another man. It’s played as THE most shocking revelation - a spectator literally faints - and the woman angrily accuses her husband of kissing her after he was sucking dick. It’s meant to be hilariously *shocking* but the pattern of jokes throughout the movie just feels gross and homophobic and woefully outdated.

I will say I’m glad there’s at least some acknowledgement of the intersection of race and gender and how it has affected Ali’s career in the film. I had hoped that this movie would use Ali’s powers to better undermine and exploit all the bullshit she has to put up with as a black woman working in a white male-dominated field, but I suppose even acknowledging intersectionality directly is a big get for a major studio movie.

The main message of the story is that black women literally have to have supernatural powers granted to them to have the chance to advance to the same level as a mediocre white man.

Also the ending is super abrupt because they clearly didn’t know how to end it besides just “aaaaaand everything is resolved!” 

What Men Want is uneven, but at least engages with some deeper issues than its Mel Gibson predecessor. It has its moments of humor (Shaq thinking about himself in the third person just GETS ME) but overall I don’t know that this movie is what men OR women really want.

[martywurst]

YEAR 2: The Worst Comedian (Part 2)

I had an encounter with former Comedy Store talent coordinator, Tommy, who was fired just months prior and was working on developing another home base where he could still play comedy godfather. The Vaucluse Lounge was a mere two blocks away from the Comedy Store and now Tommy was recruiting comics that were still loyal to him and putting on shows. They were calling this place Chaplin's House, but I don't think there was anything historic about it.

It really was an impressive bar/lounge, but management was falling apart. It was a ghost town. I ordered their onion rings and got a pile of American cheese on a couple of turd circles (psst, I'm not really a writer). I ordered something disgusting and got so much more.

"Ooh, that looks good, I'm gonna get that!" one comic said, pinching and stretching some cheese off my plate.

A couple of nights the place was locked up unannounced, black curtains drawn, even though a show was supposed to be going on. Headliners were bailing before their sets.

There were a couple of open mics going on there, too. Tommy would play some acoustic guitar for 30 minutes to get the room warmed up. He played the same three songs over and over. Or maybe it was just the same three chords, I can't remember. He was like one of those dudes that destroy a party by forcing us to listen to a cover of Hotel California. Strictly Hollywood Blvd quality. Then he would hang out for the mic and occasionally give advice to some lucky comic.

After one of my sets, he was suddenly next to me, talking into my ear like David Blaine.

"There's something that's still missing, but I don't know what it is."

"I'm not connecting with the audience?" I asked.

"There was just something missing. Try sitting on a stool and just saying your material, so it's not so (in-your-face gesture) forced. Your material is good, it had an intelligence and you have a good look. It's not about how you look on stage, it's about how you look on camera....really. But I think you just need to say what you have to say- I took it in. You'll get there, I enjoyed it."

Then he patted me on the shoulder and walked away.

Maybe if I worked hard enough I could become a Vaucluse regular! I honestly thought it was cool to get advice from Tommy, despite him being a reputed racist douchebag. I mean, he was once the apprentice of The Comedy Store owner Mitzi Shore, so his opinion has to count for something, right? A racist's opinion is still an opinion. Plus, he really wailed on the guitar!

One night at Vaucluse I waited around for 2 hours to do a 10 minute set. That's actually a good set for that kind of wait, but this night was excruciating. There was a line-up of all male comics that had plenty to say about the opposite sex: Stories varied from "This bitch was sucking my dick," to "I wanted to give her brown eye a black eye!" and so forth. I remember hearing the bartender making pained noises behind the counter, like some victim of a stabbing. left for dead. She had to just stand there and take it...every worthless comedian. Worst of all, EVERYONE got 10 minutes. When the first 30 seconds are torture, the next 9 1/2 feel like a lifetime. When they finally got to me the host said,

"Uhh, you get 2 minutes."

I've never been that pissed at an open mic before. Mother...FUCKER. They were letting the worst people host, nothing ever started on time, the food was godawful, the bartender wanted to kill herself, and no one seemed to give a shit that the place was falling apart. I was mentally trying to stay positive and tune out all the negative shit I'd been listening to, but now I wanted to douse myself in gasoline and tackle the host into the fireplace--that would be such a great closer. My stomach was turning from the onion rings, so I opted for my shitty set instead.

But hey, it's 2 minutes so I did it. I got through a joke-and-a-half. Once I left, I cursed and muttered angrily all the way to the bus, letting the "cocksuckers" and "motherfuckers" fly.

I went home and looked at their Facebook page and saw this ridiculous post,

"Chaplin's House is being called the New Comedy Store...no joke."

Nobody's laughing.

Anyway, that place folded and Tommy moved on to another space where he still occasionally gives out his comedy pointers.

Also in my second year I was doing fewer bringer shows, but I still got roped into a couple more at Flappers. I would quickly get stressed out again and moan to my girlfriend about why I put myself through this. Just reading the emails made me want to puke:

Respond to this email with a head count of how many audience you expect so that we can properly staff the room. 

It takes everyone involved to have epic shows--we do ask everyone to always aim to have at least 5 people per show.  If you are unable to get anyone out please let us know and we will re-schedule you for a date that is more convenient for you to support.

Like I said before, they only want me back when I make some fucking friends!

I decided to not show up at all and go to the Rebel Bite open mic in Long Beach instead. An open mic at a pizza joint was better than doing a bringer show, at least in my head. I wrote back:

Sorry for the delay,   I wanted to get a more accurate count of zero confirmed.    I think my friends tapped out months ago.  Let me know if you want to reschedule or give me the boot.  Or I'll audition again once I have a little fanbase I can depend on instead of wasting everybody's time. Nothing personal.  Thanks.

I shouldn't have felt bad about it anyway, since I bought 4 of my videotaped sets from them.

Then there was the Formosa Cafe. I did it because I was told it wasn't REALLY a bringer show...just sort of. Uggh. I won't mention the names. I can still hear the producer pretending to laugh at other people's sets--so forced and obvious, trying to get the crowd on our side. He'd be looking down at his phone and let out a

"BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Then I'd have to listen to some jerk-off host do his Family Guy impressions for 15 minutes. Then the producer would go up and do the most dated material--many of these bringer show people stick to their one routine. Anyway, what do I know, they're the ones cashing in, right?

I had friends show up for my first and second show, then the third time none of my friends came out and the producer stopped booking me. During past shows, he was blowing smoke up my ass and said all these nice things about my particular brand of humor, but he was only thinking about the head-count. He was a phony just like his forced laughter.

 There were some nice moments. My blues buddy, Street Slim invited me to do a set at The Rainbow Bar and Grill, a really cool rock bar on The Sunset Strip. Just to do something outside the ring of comedians that I was usually bumping heads with felt really special.

My friend Donald and I rented out a black box theater and produced a variety show. It ran 2 1/2 hours and half the audience left, but we had a great time.

I co-produced a comedy show with Jeanne Whitney and Timika Hall at Echoes Under Sunset. We only did 3 shows, but it was a fantastic experience.

I remember bombing at the new UCB on Sunset and when I was walking back to the car, a couple I've never seen before starts yelling at me from their car.

"Marty, you were funny!"

"What?"

"We were inside."

"Really? Thanks, it felt like death in there."

"We thought you were funny."

"Working on it, working on it."

That blew my mind. Who does that? And they remembered my name!

One time they moved a Comedy Store open mic into the Main Room and after we finished our sets, Bill Burr dropped in and did 15 minutes to an all-comic crowd. It was awesome.

Another time I was waiting around for Tony Bartolone's Hat Show to start and the great Rick Shapiro was outside with Rick Wood and Jeremy Bassett. Shapiro was making fun of the Oldtown Pasadena scene and he suddenly gets a glimmer in his eye and this evil grin,

"Let's go to the Mac Store and jerk off!"

It was said with such demented glee. Later we went to get him some Starbucks and he told the barista that his name was Johnny Two Chicks. He was so excited to hear the name called out, but it didn't get the reaction he wanted.

 Then there was the time that I was waiting in the green room for another possible Kill Tony episode at the Comedy Store. Dom Irrera comes in and sits down across from me. It's silent, it's uncomfortable, the guy is amazing, so I'm a little in awe. He asks me if I'm a comic and how long I've been doing it. Very friendly, but I just gave him short answers. Meanwhile, Pat Regan was on stage singing about how much he misses getting jacked off in San Francisco, and Dom and I are just sitting there while this song is in the background. Dom turns to me completely serious and says,

"This song brings back a lot of memories." I barked out a laugh.

I started making goofy set-lists and posting them online. Just a good way to vent about the shit I'd seen at open mics during the week. Here are a few of my favorites:

The usual variety of homophobic/misogynistic shit I'd hear on any given week.

 My second Kill Tony appearance went a little better, but only because I managed to get a few laughs. It was a unique situation because I brought my buddy Dakota Freeman with me, but he was under 21 and wouldn't be allowed inside the club unless he was called up to perform. So I stood outside with him, listening through the door every few minutes to see if we'd get called.

About 30 minutes into the show I got called, but I couldn't open the door from the outside. For a second, the hosts thought I had flaked, but a couple of my friends were in the audience, telling them I was behind the door because I was with a minor. They opened the door for me and at this point there was some confusion because the hosts were under the impression that I was the one underage. Then when it was cleared up Tony says,

"Oh, you're hanging out with underage boys. Ok!"

Before I've even started my set, another pedophile joke had been spiked over my head. You can probably see where this is going.

I didn't gain any Twitter followers this time--in fact, I think I lost a couple.  They probably thought I was really a pedophile.

 Gradually, I found some open mics down in Long Beach, where I had moved in with my girlfriend. There was the SOM open mic at the Rebel Bite pizzeria, The Library Coffeehouse, Blacklight District Lounge and Makai Coffee.

Now if I wasn't feeling the LA scene that week, I had the option to hit some mics in my neighborhood. Rebel Bite, Makai, and The Library were just a mile away. Long Beach was also calmer. I could do longer sets- I did my first 15 minute set at Rebel Bite. I met some nice people. It's funny how these two coffee shops were the polar opposite in terms of an audience--take a look below.

I was also hearing some positive feedback for a change. Sometimes my conceptual ideas would play well and even if they didn't, I'd still be writing the kind of stuff I wanted to try. The support I was getting from my new friends gave me the confidence to try bigger ideas. Showing up to mics and finally having a group of friends to talk to was a nice break. I was so used to being the creeper that was eavesdropping outside a circle of comedy nerds or asking Dean Delray stupid questions in the Comedy Store hallway. Complimenting comics on their podcasts, or a joke that I liked, thinking I always had to go in with a compliment or they'd hate my guts. Then I would fuck up their name anyway, which made the compliment null and void.

I'm still learning to relax, but I'm usually amped up whenever I'm in Los Angeles. I feel the cutthroat competition and that air of judgement. Mostly because I'm carrying it around with me--turn that shit off Wurst, these are your friends! I don't have to prove anything to these comics, we're all showing up to the same mic. Charles Disney was just saying how we ask questions that we want to be asked in return,

"You got any cool gigs coming up? No? NOW ASK ME IF I HAVE ANY COOL GIGS! THANK YOU, I DO! SLEEPAWAY CAMP BABY-MARGARET CHO HEADLINING! ENJOY YOUR SHOW AT P.F. CHANG'S, YA ASIAN FUSION COMIC! "

There's usually 4-5 standard questions (How you doing, got anything coming up, you hitting another mic after this, you ever go to Marty's?) and if there's no conversation beyond that, we're not really friends. It's just surface level pleasantries for insecure comics.

Then there are just genuinely great dudes like Spencer Kalendar, who's never putting on airs and makes me feel like I can just be myself. I think the very first thing he said to me was,

"I remember you from Kill Tony, you're the pedophile guy!"

[snakeho]

4/21/20 4AM

Listen, being fat fucking sucks. Being fat your entire life sucks even more. It’s caused me more psychological strife than any of my other identities (gay or Latino). Because there’s consequences if you’re homophobic (only very recently) or racist. Fat shaming is so fucking normalized into culture people don’t even think twice about it, in fact, assholes still think shaming is good because it might lead to someone losing weight. Newsflash: no it fucking doesn’t. Instead, your asshole comment that you made offhand and haven’t thought twice about since the 5 seconds you uttered it becomes our internal voice. For the rest of our lives. It’s always there. When I put on clothes and they hug me too tightly (even worse buying clothes and having your sizing constantly change across stores), when I don’t eat a salad with my meal, when I eat junk food, when I eat healthy food. I have shit memory but I can remember every time a person has made a negative comment about my weight. And I’ve been fat my entire life. That’s 22 years of seeing my extended family maybe once a year and the first words out of their mouth are “you’ve gotten so fat!” or “you’ve lost some weight!” like my appearance is the only thing worth talking about. 22 years of chastising myself with every bite of junk food I eat or feeling like a fraud for eating healthy food because it won’t make me lose weight. I wouldn’t ever judge anyone based on what they eat in public but being fat makes it uncomfortably cognizant. If I’m walking somewhere and my shirt’s hugging my stomach I’m thinking about it the entire time, pulling at it as if having a stomach is a public embarrassment that should be avoided at all costs. When I’m getting and eating junk food I feel like everyone that can see me is judging, saying “look at this fat asshole, doesn’t take care of himself, gonna gorge on big macs and die at 30” Even when I’m getting/eating healthy food that voice tells me everyone is judging and deeming me a fraud, that if I always ate like that I’d be skinny or I’m putting on a show so I can binge on french fries later. Mental gymnastics that I go through every. single. day. It’s exhausting. And don’t even get me started on the dating scene, oh my God. You’re simply not allowed to be fat and gay. Not truly fat. You can be “thick” and accepted in the bear community if you’re 80% muscle with a belly. But you can’t be fat and weak. Nope, no way. Having a respite of the fat shaming from yourself, your family, society, and social media with your friends is nice for the time that you’re with them. But it’s not enough to offset the rest. Feeling truly desired, wanted sexually by someone you’re also sexually attracted to could offer true respite I think. I’ve never experienced it. I’m guilty of it too, I know. Society or my own fucked up self doesn’t let me see (most) fat guys as attractive. And the ones that I do find attractive never find me attractive back. I am 22 years old and have never hooked up with somebody because we were both massively turned on by each other’s looks. Scratch that. I’ve never even hooked up with someone that only I found attractive. I settle, for the bottom of the barrel that’ll barely accept me being fat and gay. That means other fat guys and older guys, and oftentimes a mix of the two. I know it seems stupid, like, who cares who you hook up with? But if matters, it matters so much. Feeling sexually wanted and desired is what society tells us makes the world go round. What happens when you never experience that? It makes you settle for men that don’t respect you or your body, and leads to mediocre or bad sex. I’ve had good sex exactly twice. TWICE. I’ve hooked up with over 20 men. I know, it seems like a lot but when average and fit gay men have sex at least once a week I’m really not getting any.

Maybe I’ll let my friends logon to Grindr and try to find a man to hookup with for me. They’ll quickly find that any guy they think is attractive won’t message back or will block me for having the audacity to message them, guys that are average will do the same, attractive fat gays will entertain you for a couple messages till you send nudes, and the few men left (ugly fat and older) will take at least 40 profiles to find maybe 1 guy that is willing to hookup with me. Let’s hope he can host too (lol, probably not.) Maybe it’s my fault for putting out a persona that seemed promiscuous or something or maybe it’s the fit gays agenda but I am getting little to 0 play on any of these apps. And that’s it, that’s all I have. Going to gay clubs makes me literally deppresively spiral because exactly 0 men have tried to pick me up or even compliment me and the 1 guy I tried to pick up rejected me (not that he owes me anything, but still not great for someone with 0 self esteem). I have no self esteem. There used to be days when I would look in the mirror after getting ready and think “hey, I’m pretty cute”. That never happens anymore (okay maybe 1 good picture within 6 months allows me to feel myself for maybe an hour). 0 self esteem + having an unrealistic romanticized version of love + absolutely no one hitting you up for anything serious = serious depression. I’m not good with words. Not that anyone will read this but on the off chance they do I know I sound like a whiny bitch. But my generation’s having so, so, so much sex and posting about it all over social media. Straight people have had at least 1 serious relationship by now and if gay people haven’t had that they’ve at least had dates. I’ve had 1 date in my 22 years of life and it happened in February of this year. Unfortunately, we weren’t compatible so I guess I’ll have to wait another 22 years for my 2nd date and hope that other guy is the one. I doubt I’ll make it to 66.

“Just lose the weight omg” It’s simply not that easy or else I would’ve done it already 😌. So much conflicting information (eat less! eat more but healthy! eat less but multiple times a day! intermittent fast!) and that’s just about the size/timing of meals that’s nothing to say of the meals themselves or the exercise you should do which is a deluge of conflicting information. It’s so fucking hard when the little pleasure and serotonin I get in my depressed mind is from eating my damn BK every other week. What, I’m supposed to remove every ounce of happiness from my life in the hopes that I’ll be happy later? Maybe, but it’s fucking hard. And I place so much importance on if/when I do lose the weight because everyone else does it for you. I’m 99.99% positive my body issues and dating issues aren’t gonna disappear the second my body looks ideal. And what if I do lose it and I have loose skin? LOL another even worse insecurity. It’s fucking hell. Food, exercise, sex is everywhere you look in this world and they’re all related to your body. How’re you supposed to escape that?