#or like i realise i've gained a bit of weight and im like :/ oh that sucks huh

[peonies-in-bloom]

im back, after a while.

I weighed 137 back in feb 2023 and since then my life has been a shit show and right now im back to 165 (i started higher but i am so disgusted with myself i cant even mention it).

I got back into running and working out and stuff and its been good because over the past few weeks ive been doing that while on a restriction of like 200/250 and then some days fasting if i didnt run. but then i had some days of binging (not like true binging but two ramen packets and an egg and microwave popcorn over like 6-8 hours) and then this weekend i was at my brother's place for his proposal and it was food food food. atm, i havent eaten since tuesday (18/06) and im looking to go until this coming tuesday (25/06). i am now just about at 96hrs so i feel like i can complete it because im more than halfway done.

my boyfriend and i practically live together even though we have separate apartments so he's over pretty much all day. i've been lying about eating and its making me feel like shit. i've been in a state before where im too embarassed to eat in front of him because i eat a lot more than him on a regular basis anyway. so ive been asking him to stay in the kitchen/living room while i "eat" a bar or something in another room. he weighs less than me and it makes me want to kms. tonight we're going to a potluck and he went out for a bit so i told him im going to eat dinner before we go so that i can not eat while there since i dont want to eat in front of people. but tomorrow i think we're going to spend 100% of the day together as neither of us really have anything to leave the house for (though he might go home for lunch, im not sure).

anyway, im pre-freaking out on how im going to manage to not eat tomorrow. i lowkey fainted in front of him today because i just stood up too quickly from the couch. its happened before (unrelated to not eating) so he isnt super worried about it.

I know my fast will technically be over on tuesday but so far i haven't really been feeling any physical hunger and its only really mental hunger. i dont want to eat on tuesday honestly, i want to see how long i can last because i know that when i eat and then go to weigh myself the next day im going to have gained some water weight regardless.

this week, i pretty much haven't left my house which i think is making the fast easier. and i dont have any of my fav snacks on hand. on july 1, im going on a trip for two weeks so i will be able to exercise and not eat in peace. though i wont have a scale (i actually just realised that right now). im working at a camp. how weird would it be for me to bring a scale to weigh myself??? oh fuck im stressing now. and for a month after that its possible that im going to paris to work (volunteer) at the olympics (theyre desperate AF because they reached out to Canada a week and a half ago lmfaooo) but for my position i have some relatively rigorous physical skill testing. so its a fine balance between starving and working out enough to build muscle/maintain cardio. at camp i obvs wont have access to weights so im going to have to figure out some stuff to do.

sorry for the rant, but i find this a helpful place to journal because a) im hiding this from everyone IRL and b) because all my friends who know i have AN (ATYPICAL BEFORE ANYONE ATTACKS ME FOR STILL BEING A FAT PIECE OF SHIT) also have had ED in the past and i absolutely dont want to put them in a bad place mentally.

open to acountability buddies/meanspo :)

[straykats]

tw: body image ; brief sui imply (im okay!! just rambling) ; disordered eating but briefly ment at the end