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moonbeambucky · 4 years

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Hey Neighbor (Part 13)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader, Billy Russo x Reader Word Count: 2663 Warnings: fluff, light angst, brief mention of smut

Summary: You had a plan and then life came along with one of its own. With your future almost derailed you worked hard to get yourself back on track and finally everything seemed to be going right… that is, until your new neighbor moved in.

A/N: I’m still sorry... or am I? 😂

PART 12 | HEY NEIGHBOR MASTERLIST

Sunlight filters in through the part of the window not blocked by opaque curtains, the golden glow reaches Billy’s eyes making him throw an arm up to block out the brightness. He’s careful of his movements, not to disturb you as you sleep against him.

He had a good time last night bowling and meeting all your friends but when you accepted his offer to come back to his place that was when the real fun began. In the comfort of his apartment you sat curled against him on his couch, feeling warmth spread through your body from the amber colored drink in your hand, though Billy was more intoxicating.

You quickly found your way into his bed, tangled together as your hands and lips explored every part of each other until you reached soaring heights of passion and pleasure. Billy was an incredible lover and you hadn’t thought that simply because he had broken your dry spell. He knew how to please and did so generously. You didn’t intend on staying over but truthfully your legs felt like jelly afterwards you couldn’t do anything but stay beside him, falling asleep in his arms.

Billy puts his arm down, shifting just a little so he could face away from the sunlight, the slight movement unintentionally waking you. He felt bad, watching as your heavy lids blinked themselves open a few times before they focused on his beautiful smile.

“Sorry, go back to sleep babe,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

A smile pulled at your lips as you felt the soft lingering touch of his lips. “S’okay, I want to stay awake.”

Billy smiled at the soft noises you made as you took in a stiff inhale of breath, your body tensing up as you turned away from him, bringing your hand to cover your mouth as you yawned. The feel of morning breath was heavy on your tongue so you decided to go to the bathroom, hoping there would be mouthwash you could freshen up with.

Goosebumps prickled at your skin when you pulled off the sheets, sitting up as you scanned the floor for your clothes that had been scattered around the room amidst the throes of passion. Billy’s eyes roamed your bare skin, memories of last night bring warmth to his body, feeling himself ache for you again the longer he stared.

You spotted your sweater, pushing yourself up from the low platform bed to grab the crumbled fabric from the floor, stretching it over your skin. Beside it was your pants though you picked up your lacy bottoms and stepped into them before leaving his room to find the bathroom.

Billy leaned back against the arm he folded under his head, not feeling like getting up to find his phone wherever he last left it. He didn’t need to distract himself anyway since you walked back in, slightly shivering as your bare feet walked along the cold floors.

“C’mere,” he said, pulling back the blanket.

As you began to get back in bed your movements were halted by “nuh uh” as Billy shook his head. “No clothes in bed, it’s the rules.” He smirked, sitting up towards the edge of the bed.

A giggle escaped your lips as you moved towards Billy’s side of the bed, standing in front of him. His hands went under your sweater, holding you firmly by your waist.

“Those are the rules, huh?” You repeated, grinning coyly as you let your hands glide up his arms, caressing his smooth skin until your fingers met a raised ridge along his left shoulder.

Your brows furrowed with concern as you stared at another scar on his chest, having missed both in the dimmed lighting last night. They were clearly old but by the way Billy’s jaw tensed you suspected they weren’t fully healed.

His dark gaze wandered as he focused on something behind you, his trance dissolving from the sound of your sweet voice saying his name.

“There was… this guy, Arthur. He volunteered at the Ray of Hope group home I was in. We all thought he was so cool, playin’ stickball and hoops with us. I was ten or eleven at the time.” Billy clenched his jaw, clearing his throat of the lump that formed there.

His hands dropped into his lap and he began wringing them. “When a grown man tells you that you’re pretty you know nothing good is coming. Let’s just say I wasn’t interested in the kind of games that he had in mind. I went after him with the stickball bat, caught him a few times before he broke my arm… ripped my rotator cuff in three places.”

You had been listening quietly as Billy spoke, not realizing you were holding your breath until his hand cupped your cheek and you let it out shakily. His story wasn’t new– no, unfortunately you had heard about this situation too many times but despite being familiar with this in your line of work Billy’s story really affected you.

No matter who the person or what their story is, you care deeply about all the cases you have from Metro-General but Billy was different. You really liked him and hearing him talk about the terrible memories from his past reminded you about Pietro and what could have happened if someone had been there to help. Growing up in the system is hard enough as it is, but if the caretakers aren’t doing their job to protect these children…

Sighing, your lips flattened into a line of frustration. “I’m sorry that happened to you, Billy.”

“Hey… don’t, okay?” His hands wrapped around your waist as he looked up to meet your sympathetic eyes. “Everyone’s got a story, this one’s mine.”

His lips stretched across his face into something that wasn’t quite a smile but not a frown either. You knew it wasn’t easy to share, something he clearly can’t forget though you appreciated his openness, feeling closer because of it.

Leaning down you cupped Billy’s cheeks, feeling his scruff scratch at your palms as you placed a gentle kiss to his lips. You felt him smile against you as he kissed back, his hands grabbing the hem of your sweater and breaking the kiss for him to pull it over your head.

Billy kissed your exposed skin, softly, slowly as he laid you down on the bed. His touch was like heaven, setting fire to your soul, and together you climbed higher and higher until you reached the apex of pleasure a few more times over.

You got home late in the afternoon knowing you had a novel’s worth of texts to return from your friends, mainly the girls wanting to know all the details. Bucky’s was the only text that you replied to right away. He hoped you would get home safe, and behind your shared wall he let out a sigh of relief, reading your message that you did, even if it meant you were only getting home now.

Bucky shuffled reluctantly to his door, wondering why there’s a knock. Looking through the peephole, he can’t help but let a smile stretch over his face.

“Hey neighbor!” you said, with a beaming smile.

He hadn’t seen you in a few days, throwing himself deep into his work, thankful for the distraction. “Hey Y/N.” Bucky takes note of what you’re wearing, a comfy hoodie and oversized polar bear pajama pants. You always had the cutest pajamas.

“You busy? I was gonna watch a movie and order a bunch of food since my period came and all I want to do is eat. Sorry was that TMI?” you asked, seeing his expression change in a multitude of ways.

He let out a slightly uncomfortable laugh. “Where’s Billy?”

“Working.”

Bucky wasn’t happy with that answer, making him feel like you were settling for plans with him since Billy was busy. He was about to decline, making up a lie about anything just so he didn’t have to feel bad about himself before you continued.

“But I’d rather hang with you anyway. Not that Billy would care about my period like that but, I don’t know, we’re not at that point yet, you know? Like I feel like I can always be myself around you.”

His blank expression turned into a smile as Bucky nodded his head. “Yeah, yeah I get that. I feel the same about you.”

Bucky felt a weird sensation in his stomach as he stood there smiling at you, breaking out of his trance as you spoke again.

“Okay so hurry up and come over. I don’t know what I want to eat. I kinda want tacos, but also pizza. And if you have cookies bring them over because I already ate the ones I had.”

It felt right, sitting beside you on the couch, stuffing your faces and laughing as you watched a movie. Bucky took it upon himself to grab the bottle of Advil from your bathroom, bringing over a full glass of water for you to take for your cramps.

“Thanks. You know, I know you hate relationships and stuff but you’d make a really good boyfriend.”

Bucky was frozen, the only sound he could hear was that of his heart drumming rapidly in his ear. “Y-you think so?” he croaked out, swallowing down the thick knot in his throat with a gulp of his drink.

You nodded, leaning forward to set the glass down on your table. “Why, you don’t?”

“No, that’s… That’s not it.” He turned away from you, silent and contemplative.

It wasn’t always like this. Bucky was a young boy that grew out of the idea that girls had cooties long before his friends did. It started with Olivia. They met in sixth grade, two nervous kids in a brand new school that happened to sit next to each other in homeroom.

Her eyes were like honey and Bucky was stuck, letting himself get lost in her beauty. He memorized the freckles speckled across the nose and cheeks of her sandy brown skin like a galaxy of stars, each one more dazzling than the last. Her hair was polished bronze packed in tight corkscrews that Bucky loved brushing aside so he could kiss her; every morning before they got to class, during lunch where he neglected his food in favor of her lips, and after school when they parted.

Bucky loved her as much as a young man could love a young woman, his first love, the girl he thought he would have everything with. He was a fool to think he could have it all, blinded by his utter devotion to Olivia before he realized his relationship was more one-sided than he realized.

They spent seven years together and not once did Olivia tell him she wasn’t planning their future the same way Bucky was. Olivia meant everything to him and when she was accepted to college on the West Coast Bucky immediately started looking into transferring to a school out there. It didn’t matter that their music program wasn’t as accredited, he was willing to do anything to make what he and Olivia had last.

What Bucky didn’t know was that Olivia didn’t feel the same. Not anymore. She fell out of love with him and was hoping to use graduation as a clean break. She broke his heart and Bucky was devastated.

He didn’t understand how she could stop loving him just like that. How it was so easy for her to let go of all their history; wondering what the turning point was in their relationship and why she didn’t tell him. His trust was broken. She strung him along for months, years maybe? It wasn’t just the fact that they broke up, she had moved on. Olivia was with someone new and every day Bucky asked himself why he wasn’t worthy of love.

He shut down, losing himself in composition, letting the melody of strife carry him through the sea of heartache. It was decided then, by a boy who was barely a man, to take what he needs and never be vulnerable again. It was easy.

It was easy.

Over the past few months everything has changed. There was a moment Bucky was ready to abandon his beliefs. He had grown up, matured; he knows his boundaries and knows there is so much more of himself to give to someone.

Bucky thought that someone could be you. It was a silly idea. You were just friends. But he was friends with Olivia first too. He felt the same ease as you did with him, enjoying spending time with you even if you did nothing. He thought there might have been a chance, somehow for him to break free of the mold he set upon his life and ask you out but someone beat him to it.

You and Billy had been seeing more and more of each other. He remembers that feeling from so long ago, desperate to spend every waking moment with the person that sent your heart a-flutter. Bucky understood when you cancelled plans with him, for the times Billy was able to make a last minute date after work arrangements changed. He understood, even if he didn’t like it. He couldn’t object even though he wanted to. You were happy and Bucky felt worse the more he thought about even thinking of taking that away from you.

He changed the subject, letting the movie resume but the thoughts never left his mind.

For the first time in a very long time Bucky is lonely. While the world is out overspending on chocolates and roses, fancy dinners and champagne Bucky lays in bed, trying to distract himself with a movie. He’s usually alone on Valentine’s Day, by choice. It’s too complicated to sleep with one of his regulars, not wanting to get their hopes up by any means on the day that celebrates love.

Bucky exhaled a heavy breath, upset with himself for being unable to keep his mind off everything. His heart is a dilapidated shack lost in a desolate wasteland. Abandoned after so many years, it’s dust covered, with a haze of cobwebs clouding over the part of himself that used to thrum with life.

And suddenly the walls become unsteady. His heart begins to crumble at the sound coming from the other side of the wall. It’s you, with unmistakable cries of pleasure, in a duet of passion with Billy.

Bucky shudders, feeling uncomfortable for being able to hear something that should be so intimate. It’s payback perhaps, a taste of his own medicine for all the times he’s disturbed you in the same way.

His mind runs wild against his will, imagining you in bed as the soundtrack of your lovemaking permeates the thin walls. It’s bittersweet poison to his ears.

Bucky throws the blankets off him, nearly tripping over the boots he haphazardly toed off earlier as he rushes towards his desk. He grabs his headphones to block out the sounds, a painful reminder of what could never be.

He grabs his phone, scrolling through his contact list. So many names and yet he feels nothing for them. He stops at your name, his chest hitching with agony. He wants what you have. To love fully, and give himself completely to someone. To renovate all the broken pieces inside of himself.

His fingers tap away and Bucky refuses to stop himself of their doing. He’s scared but excited, knowing the threat of getting hurt again is very real but he’s had enough of telling himself that the way he’s been living is what he’s really wanted.

With his own melodies playing in his ear Bucky is ignorant of the way you cry out Billy’s name. He is blissfully ignorant, opening the Tinder app he’s just downloaded, creating a profile because he’s finally ready to give dating a real shot.

PART 14

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes au #billy russo x reader

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jiminscaramel · 5 years

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cream of the crop | changkyun [mx]

[GENRE] smut, fluff

[COUNT] 4.4k+

[PAIRING] fem. reader x Changkyun (I.M)

[WARNINGS] f2l, unprotected sex, oral (f. receiving), fingering, cream pie, hair pulling, overstimulation, cockwarming, choking if you squint, multiple orgasms, edging

[AU] f2l au

[A/N] as requested by anon however I’m not too keen on how it turned out? I think maybe i crammed too much in such a short space of time and a small word count. I hope you still like it though and who knows! It might be up for a rewrite or a part 2

Something isn’t right.

Changkyun frowns, watching you speak within yourself – your chin lowered to your chest and your eyes avoiding contact – which is highly irregular. He knows something is eating away at you but for reasons unknown, you hadn’t yet shared what it was. He leans forward to take a sip of his milkshake before settling back in the booth and nudging Jooheon beside him.

“...so yeah. Dinner was whatever.” You shrug nonchalantly, picking at a basket of fries, which had gone stone cold.

“Don’t eat those,” Jooheon slaps your hand away and flags up a waitress. “I’ll get some more.”

“So how is he? Your boyfriend? You’ve been dating for what, a few months now? When do we get to meet him?” Changkyun pries gently into the sensitive topic of dating. Being your best friend, he’s been there through pretty much every relationship you’ve had – casual, serious and one night stands – and vise-versa. But he’s also seen the grisly sides, comforting you through the worst breakups, the most recent one happening just before you’d met David.

You shrug again, stirring the melted ice cream in your glass with your straw, staring lifelessly into the chocolate concoction. “He’s not my boyfriend. David is David. And I’m sure we can arrange something soon.”

Though Changkyun remains unconvinced and the further the conversation takes you all, the more he thinks he understands. “You don’t seem so happy about the whole idea.”

“It’s a great idea.” You deadpan, staring out the window.

An awkward silence fills the space as the waitress places a fresh basket of fries to share between the three of you. Changkyun thanks her before leaning forward, trying to catch your attention. “Something’s wrong.”

“No shit,” Jooheon quips, eyes glued to his phone screen.

“You’re not helping,” Changkyun fires back, pushing the fries in front of him. “Shut up and eat your fries.”

“Fuck you.” Jooheon laughs and tosses his phone on the table, pushing the fries back to the centre. He leans in too, his attention no longer preoccupied by the device in his hand. “So... What’s on your mind?”

The answer to that is a lot more complicated than you’d like to admit. Your hesitation isn’t because you don’t trust them and isn’t because you feel uncomfortable sharing your worries. In all honesty, you have no idea why you’re so hesitant; you’ve always been able to tell them anything. Absolutely anything. So why is this so different?

You take a deep breath and eventually open your mouth to speak. “I’m frustrated.”

Changkyun and Jooheon both stare back at you blankly, silently blinking as they wait for you to elaborate.

“David... is nice. I suppose. He’s just...” you blow out your cheeks, trying to find the right word. “Boring. In every sense of the word.”

Changkyun cocks his head to the side, studying you intensely, while Jooheon slouches back in the upholstery, arms folded over his chest.

Unsatisfied with the lack of reaction, you lean in closer. “His idea of fun is sitting in and watching cheesy sitcom reruns until late, with or without me. His ideal date is always some snobby, posh restaurant on the other side of town. The other day? I set up a blanket fort in my front room for us to cosy up in for when he came round and you know what he said? ‘I’m not a kid anymore’. I felt like such a fucking idiot.” You trail off, already aware that you’d shared much more than intended. But the embers still burn, all the frustration and upset igniting the flames.

“Not to mention that on the very few occasions we’ve had sex, I’ve never– never– you know...” you clear your throat and gesture with your hands to insinuate what you can’t voice aloud.

“A little TMI, but yeah,” Jooheon nods and you notice a little pink tint across his cheekbones.

“He just... rolls off me and falls asleep. And it’s always the same, mandatory, routine, boring sex. Pull my hair or something, choke me, I don’t know–”

“Ok, that’s definitely TMI,” Jooheon picks up his phone and starts scrolling through his feeds, but you know it’s more out of embarrassment than ignorance. You know he’s still listening.

Changkyun remains silent, his jaw clenching as he listens to your complaints with an understanding ear.

“But you know what I mean, right? There’s no passion. There’s no spark, there’s nothing. There’s just David. And me. It’s like we’re not even an item. We’re just two separate people who meet up to ‘fuck’ and pretend there’s a relationship outside of that. Christ, what a fucking mess.” You slump back, deflated but feeling a lot better than you had a few minutes ago.

“You’re right,” Changkyun says, smirking. “He is boring.”

Your heart stutters as you interpret his response the wrong way, implying that Changkyun is more than capable of fulfilling everything your date lacks. But you can’t possibly think of your best friend that way. That was crossing too many lines, despite the fact that Changkyun had become the standard to which you held men up to. And David was sure not up to standard.

“He seriously turned down a blanket fort?” Jooheon questioned, peering around his phone.

You nod, a little sadly.

“You know what this calls for?” Changkyun rapidly taps his hands on the table top in a quiet drumroll.

“I can’t, I’m working.” Jooheon mutters.

“David won’t–”

“Y’all haven’t even heard what I’m gonna say!” His shoulders drop and his hands stop tapping. “And honestly, fuck that guy. Fuck his opinion and fuck what he has to say. I know he’s your boyfriend–”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” You interrupt.

“–but I don’t like him. Just to be clear.”

“You and me both.” Jooheon adds.

There’s a pause before you finally voice aloud your true feelings. “Me three.”

Your phone rings and the caller ID displays his name. Plain and simple; no love hearts no emojis. No commitment. You decline but shoot him a text with the dreaded four words ‘we need to talk’.

“I need to go,” you sigh and stand up to gather your things, hugging each friend goodbye. Changkyun reaches down to embrace you and squeezes tight with affection, silently worried about how things will turn out for you. He starts to pull away but you hold onto him for a minute more, savouring his warmth and comfort.

The week passes by, with little importance. The breakup had been easy, effortless and it had definitely affected him more than it had you. If anything, you feel liberated, no longer obliged to suppress parts of your character to please someone else. You feel good about the whole thing.

But it doesn’t help the feeling that tugs at your heart in the small hours, the loud thoughts that crash around in your head. Why is it so difficult to find someone who understands you? Why do all your dates end up less than expected or just simply incompatible?

Your phone jumps to life beside your keyboard and your hands freeze in midair. You save your work and close the window, getting up to answer the call elsewhere. “Kyun, I’m at work.”

“I know, I know,” he sounds a little out of breath. “I’m sorry. Are you free after work?”

“Well I mean, I had a date with Netflix and my ice cream tub so I don’t know...” you tease, a small smile working the corners of your mouth.

He laughs into the receiver. “Well how about Netflix and ice cream at mine?” If you’d known any better, you’d think he sounded nervous.

“Sure,” you agree, surprised. It had been a while since you’d spent time at his and a frisson of excitement courses along your skin at the thought of possibly being alone with him. “Is Jooheon coming?”

“I’ll call him but he’s been really busy these days. I’ll let you know.”

You thank him and say goodbye, wary about your unattended desk and how that might look should your boss walk through. But before you can hang up, Changkyun shouts into the phone, “Oh! And wear something comfy!”

You arrive a lot earlier than expected, out of nerves or excitement, you can’t tell, fully kitted in sweats and a loose-fitting pullover. But Changkyun answers the door all the same, smiling broadly and sweeping you into a tight hug, before inviting you in. The place seems a bit dark, lights dimmed and blinds drawn before nightfall. You reach up to flick the light on as you slip your shoes off in the hallway, offering the bag of ice cream for Changkyun to take and freeze.

“You a vampire now? Why is it so dark in here?”

He immediately flicks it back off. “It’s a surprise.”

“You should know me by now. I hate surprises.” You mutter, following him into the kitchen. The door to the front room is closed, blocking your view and you grow more suspicious.

“I’ll freeze this for a bit before we bring it. We can dig into this instead.” He pulls out a sharing tub of chocolate fudge ice cream and places yours in the freezer.

“Sounds good,” you reply absently, heading towards the closed door. “Can I see what’s in there now. My curiosity is killing me.”

“Close your eyes.” He instructs, pulling out two spoons from the drawer and coming to stand behind you.

“No.”

“No one’s gonna jump out at you, I promise.” He reassures you, thinking back to the many times he and Jooheon have pranked you.

“That’s what you said last time.” You remind him.

“I promise.”

“So Jooheon isn’t on the other side of that door, ready to pie me when I walk in?”

“He’s coming later, he’s on a late shift.” Changkyun seems genuine enough and despite his history of pranking you, you trust him.

“Fine.” You give in and close your eyes, letting his cold hand slip into yours.You try to ignore the way your heart picks up at the simple contact but he squeezes your palm reassuringly and without thinking, you squeeze back. He gently pulls you along instructing you to be careful where you place your feet, but you know the layout by heart. You hear the door open and squeeze your eyes shut tighter.

Just as promised, there was no one else here. You faintly hear the sound of trailers playing on the Netflix start screen, waiting for a movie to be selected. He closes the door behind him and lets go of your hand. You feel his presence leave and move elsewhere in the room, fabric rustling.

His voice is low and inviting as he instructs you to open your eyes. They flutter open and you blink several times to adjust to the low light – or lights. Several fairy lights are strung up around the room, glowing softly, giving the impression of lit candles. They wrap around the sofa and curl around the fort in the middle of the room–

The fort.

Changkyun lays inside, his long legs poking out from the makeshift entrance, his weight propped up on one elbow. The blankets are pulled over several pieces of arranged furniture to create a colourful canopy and countless cushions line the inside. He’d somehow moved his tv and draped more blankets across it so you could both watch movies inside, without having to cram around a small tablet screen and there was plenty of room in there for all three of you.

Your hands fly up to your chest as you take in the sight, the sheer effort he’d put in to create the perfect blanket fort... just for you. “This is... so much better than the one I made.”

He laughs, a sound so refreshing and so ebullient. You crawl in beside him, a wellspring of praise falling from your lips, complimenting each and every detail. You feel tears well up at the back of your eyes but hold them back. You don’t want to ruin the moment.

“I figured, you know... that you should... embrace the things that make you happy. And so what if it’s a childish thing? Some of my fondest memories have been in blanket and pillow forts.” He shrugs and tears the lid off the tub, tucking into the already soft ice cream, avoiding your gaze.

You nod in agreement and feel your throat tighten again. It’s only a simple thing, a simple act of kindness, yet it means so much more than he could possibly imagine. You’re lost for words as you stare at his profile, in the least subtle way. He notices and holds the tub towards you in offering.

But instead you lean in and plant a tender kiss to the corner of his mouth.

It’s tentative, yet daring, a toe over the line to test the waters. Though you don’t know what it is you’re supposedly testing. Your friendship? Your boundaries?

“Thank you,” you breathe, pulling away to sit up but his hand slowly threads itself in your hair, behind your head. He holds you there for what feels like forever, finally meeting your eyes and boring into them. They sparkle with questions, the reflections of the fairy lights masking the raw emotion behind them.

And so to answer the first of his many silent questions you lean in again, kissing him for the first time.

He’s hesitant but gentle, his lips soft and secure. You press deeper into the kiss, eager and sure, ready to speed things up. Your mind races a million miles per hour, your heart struggling to keep up. You feel light headed but his grip tightens in your hair, the sharp pull grounding you.

A little whimper escapes your mouth in response and Changkyun takes the opportunity to pry your mouth open wider, his tongue tracing along the swell of your bottom lip. You lightly nip at his own, your teeth grazing the pillowy flesh.

When you pull away this time, your chests heave in unison, deep and laboured breaths. You stare at each other, the air thick with something indescribable, static and heavy.

“I-I’m sorry,” he stutters and yanks his hand away, clenching it into a tight fist.

Your head spins and your eyes droop, your voice luculent and confident as you reply, “I’m not.”

“Please–”

“I want you.” And you surprise yourself with how easy it is to admit it, to say those exact words.

Things happen so fast, it all becomes a blur. Your lips had locked again and somewhere in the sinful chaos, your pullover had been shed, your sweats well on the way to joining it in a haphazard pile. Your hair splays all over the pillows behind you, framing your face like a halo and all Changkyun can do is marvel at how perfect you look.

“Safe word.” He says, almost breaking the mood.

“Huh?” You pant, trying to sort through the muddle of things in your head to make sense of what he’s saying.

“A safe word. You know, something you say if I do something that’s too much, or vise versa. I don’t want to hurt you... or make you uncomfortable.”

You think of all the possible things Changkyun could do to you, most of them probably requiring a safe word, and blush beneath him. “Uh– vanilla?”

He laughs breathlessly overhead at the irony which draws a shy smile from you. “Vanilla it is.” He groans before diving in and tenderly kissing a trail from your neck all the way down to your panties, his tongue swiping delicious circles on your skin. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

Those words, uttered in the most sincere way, have your whole body quivering in delight and wanton anticipation. Another whimper sounds at the back of your throat, your eyes transfixed on his head between your legs.

He doesn’t even bother taking them off, but pushes them to the side and dives right in. His tongue is warm, experienced as he licks a stripe between your folds, his plush lips suckling at your nub. You cry out at the direct contact, sparks of electric running up and down your spine. His thumb rubs little circles on your clit as his tongue dips into your entrance, the salacious sensations driving you wild.

“Oh god,” you whisper, your eyes squeezed shut as the familiar warmth gathers in the pit of your stomach. Your hands find themselves tangled in his chestnut brown locks, your back arching off the floor as you press him deeper into your core.

His tongue replaces his thumb on your clit and before you realise what’s happening, he plunges a finger inside you. He pumps in time to his mouth working wonders in between your folds and his groans against your pussy send you tumbling into oblivion.

Your hips buck up into his mouth, your cries rising in a steady crescendo. “Changkyun, I-I’m gonna cum–” your voice breaks on the last syllable, much like your self-control.

But he pulls out and away so suddenly, leaving you empty and cold and teetering on the edge of your peak.

“No,” you gasp, a sob escaping your chest in protest. “No.”

“Turn around.” His voice is dark, laden with authority you don’t dare disobey. You scramble on all fours, still dizzy with your denied climax. “You’re so beautiful. So perfect and all for me.”

You feel his hungry gaze crawl all over your body, head to toe, lingering on how pretty your pussy looks from this angle. He pulls his shirt over his head and shimmies out of his own sweats, but what you’re expecting doesn’t quite follow. Changkyun repositions himself on his knees and reaches forward to grab a fistful of your hair, tugging with a lot more force than before. His other hand snakes back into your core from behind, his fingers sinking deeper and deeper with every stroke.

Endless compliments and groans fall past his lips, watching as you fall apart with each passing second. His erection presses against the confines of his boxers, eager to spring free but not yet wanting to move on. He wants to explore you, devour you and savour every last part of you. He knows exactly which buttons to press and from the look in your eyes rolled back to look at him, he’s hitting every single one.

Your walls flutter dangerously around his fingers as his grip in your hair tightens, on the brink of your first orgasm. But you’re denied it a second time, tears pooling and threatening to spill over as you cry out loud again. “Changkyun, please!”

“Hm?” He pulls your head all the way back so your body is flush with his, his cock pressing into the back of your thigh. Had it not been for the cushions and blankets lining the floor, your knees would’ve given in. His lips graze your ear, a cold shiver rippling across your skin. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

His fingers pry your lips apart, the pads pressing onto your tongue, letting you taste your essence. You bite down gently on his fingers and he hisses again in your ear. “I can’t let you cum, baby. Not yet. Not like this.”

His hands fall from your hair and your mouth, finally freeing himself from his underwear. His fingers rush, almost clumsily, to pull your panties down, leaving them around your knees. He slips his member between your legs, sliding back and forth between your folds, coating his cock in your arousal.

“You feel so fucking good, y/n,” he groans deep in your ear, nibbling at your lobe. “So fucking good for me.” He gently lowers you back down to all fours, his hand pressing your head into the pillows, before slipping inside you.

You both sigh in content as he pulls out and thrusts back in, fully sheathing himself within you. The pace begins torturously slow before he begins to speed up, his hips eventually pistoning in and out of you relentlessly.

Your cries of pleasure make his head spin with fulfilled desire but only eggs him on to pleasure you further, not stopping until you’re a whimpering, shaking wreck beneath him. The sound of skin against skin sounds terribly out of place in a setting as sweet as this but you’re incapable of feeling any sort of shame or remorse when Changkyun is buried this deep inside you.

He twists one of your arms behind your back, the other hand tightly gripping your waist, pulling you back to meet every thrust. “You’re so tight, baby. I can feel every inch of you.”

He leans forward slightly and rolls a pebbled nipple between his thumb and finger, the sensation directly arousing your clit. The head of his cock finds the little magic spot within, and with every hit, you climb closer and closer to your previously denied release. “I can’t– I need to cum!”

Changkyun grunts, in acknowledgement or effort, you don’t know, and pulls out, flipping you over onto your back in one swift motion. “Not yet,” he rips the panties off and around your ankles before plunging back into you, one leg thrown over his shoulder.

He leans forward on his forearms, his nose inches away from yours, the soft light illuminating his striking features. His lips find yours again and this time it’s frantic and frenzied, completely lustful and and crazed, needing to feel and taste each other.

You gaze with glassy eyes into his and never before had you felt so at home. Your throat constricts with emotion as you grasp his face between your palms and savour every thrust, every touch and caress. And in the moment, with pent up feelings and a desperate need to to cum directing your thoughts, you utter those forbidden three words. “I love you.”

It wasn’t a complete sex-crazed confession. You do love him and had done for many years, though not in this way. It was a deep fondness that extended the realms of friendship, a fondness you had misinterpreted. Because Changkyun, was in every way, perfect for you.

“Fuck,” his jaw clenches as he holds himself back. “Say it again.”

“I love you, Changkyun,” you gasp as his rhythm changes, sharp and intermittent. “Please, I–”

He cuts you off, crashing his lips down on yours and lets your leg fall to wrap around his waist. The final sprint, you cant your hips up into him to meet in the middle, blubbering and babbling, a sobbing mess. You feel a mixture of your essence and his spit from before seep into the blankets below as he glides in and out of your sopping heat.

“I-I’m cumming,” you cry, loud enough for the whole street to hear. “God, Kyun, I’m cumming–”

He buries his head into the crook of your neck, suckling bruises into your skin, his sweat mixing with your own. Finally, the heat in your stomach unfurls and explodes, your core furiously clenching around his cock. After so many denials, your first orgasm is so strong it’s almost painful, blissful sobs wracking your frame.

You hold onto him for dear life as he grunts at the feeling, his pace relentless and unforgiving, the tip of his cock hitting your sensitive spot within. The overstimulation is almost too much to bear but beneath the slight discomfort and pain, you feel the promise of a second, continuous orgasm.

“Kyun, please–!” His hand comes up and quickly wraps around your throat, gently squeezing as you ride out your second climax.

“Baby, I’m– oh god, baby, I’m gonna cum for you,” his voice in your ear rises several octaves, his whines and whimpers getting you off even more. “You ready for me, baby?”

He feels your hair brush against his cheek as you nod and bites down on your neck as he thrusts sharply once, twice into your core, sighing loudly and letting go of a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding, as he releases inside you, his cock twitching. He whimpers sweet nothings into your ear, your name falling from his lips like a blessing as he tries to catch his breath back.

He starts to pull away before you feel uncomfortable but you hold him in place, not wanting to be apart for now. Even holding still inside you proves to be too much, your fluttering and clenching walls overstimulating his softening member.

Changkyun knocks his forehead against yours, closing his eyes and inhaling your scent. He smooths your hair back away from your face and pulls back a little to look you in the eyes. “I love you too.”

The two of you stay as one, staring into each other’s souls, connecting on another level. This must be heaven, you think, the soft lights glowing around you in your little sanctuary. Your legs wrap around his waist and pull him deeper into you, afraid of letting go.

“I–” Changkyun is cut off by his phone ringing, shattering the delicate world the two of you had so arduously built. “Shit. I’m sorry.” He glances at you sheepishly.

“It’s ok,” you blush and almost wince as he slowly pulls out, his cum seeping out and soiling the blankets even further.

He scrambles for his phone and answers breathlessly, “Hello?”

You hear Jooheon on the other end, catching a word here and there.

“Uh– no, I– don’t think so. Rain check?” Changkyun glances at you again, this time with a glint of mischief. “Sure, I’ll let her know. Ok... bye.”

You open your mouth to ask about the conversation but something else occupies the forefront of your mind. “Kyun?”

He lays behind you, holding you flush to his chest. “Yeah?”

“How did you know...” you cover your face in embarrassment, but continue nevertheless. “How did you know... what things I like?”

You feel his heart thud in response before he answers. “I, uh–” he clears his throat. “I may have seen a certain page of your diary.”

“Kyun!” You turn around, your mouth agape with a mortified expression plastered all over your features.

“It was an accident, I swear!” He laces his hand through yours and apologises, kissing your nose. “It was a long time ago. I made sure to forget... until now...” his cheeks light up again and you giggle, high on euphoria.

“I should’ve added ice cream to that list.” You quip with an impish smirk.

He hoists your leg over his waist, his large hand squeezing your thigh. “Well, you know, it’s never too late to amend it.”

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nikosomething · 4 years

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Heyyyy! I'm back again. Sorry it took a while to send this ask! Mmm I'd choose the lan sect cuz I need some form of structure in my life lol. I'm not too bad with rules either. But I'd definitely hate their food. I eat wwx levels of spicy and hence I'd like to join the jiang sect haha. Also, their sword forms look nice? YASSS We'd LOOK SO GOOD! 💙🖤 ooh I like what you read. I like reading pining, arranged marriage aus, crack fics, post canon fics, missing scenes, I like canon divergence aus that concentrate on characters other than wwx and lwj. I also like fics with sad endings haha. (1/4)

I'm a big multishipper, too! There's no ship that I don't like? My favorites would be wangxian and sangcheng though. I'm always up to reading these two ships, but I'd read anything really. I feel yah, I do. I can't pick a junior either. I love them all dearly but I tend to get bored if lan jingyi isn't there in junior fics? I need Jingyi to be a major part of the fic if I'm to like it haha. (2/4)

I loooooove Asian cuisine. My favorite is Indian! All that spice, you know? I hope you ate good food since you made yourself hungry answering that lol. Your answer about the seasons is so detailed and beautiful? I love?? Mmmm my favorite season is the rainy season. It's the best. I love the melancholy, the cold and the sound of water tapping against the windows. I'd rather stay at home than venture outside in the rain tho! Winter is the most comfortable time for me, really. I hate the summer! I love the cold and end of the year is my favorite time! (3/4)

Now questions! Have you read any other mxtx works? Also, if you could change one thing is mdzs, what would it be? Do you have any post canon wangxian headcanons? Oooh, what's your favorite wangxian moment in CQL? General questions- do you celebrate Christmas? If you do, are you excited and how do you celebrate? Do you drink coffee or tea or neither or something else? What other shows have you watched except CQL this year? Aight, that's so many questions haha. (4/4) See you soon- 🐰

_______

Heyyyy my dear bunny! I missed ya! But don’t worry, life gets busy sometimes, so take all the time you need <3

Whoahhhh so cool that you can eat intensely spicy food!! I am trying to get used to spicy stuff, but I got a looong way to go haha I detect every gain of pepper or chili or whatever so I am only making slow progress, but I do enjoy spice - up to the level I can take without ending up all red and teary-eyed haha I enjoy good food a lot, too. I like to have some variation so I’d probably be unhappy if I had to only ever eat the Lan cuisine, too hahaha

Ohhhh arranged marriage, people keep recommending it to me - I shoudl really give it a go at some point! Any good fics you wanna recommend? And omggg sad endings!!! Whoah, I bow to you! I’s always pick a happy ending but then again the ending has to fit the need of the story, so I suppose if a happy ending would feel forced then pls gimme a sad one, perhaps even one we can all learn from And yessss, there are so many amazing characters in MDZS I totally get why you’d wanna read about them!! <3

Ah Sangcheng! It’s quite the popular ship I feel. I think it’s cute and a close friend of mine really loves them, too. I bet they’d be excited if I got into that ship as well haha What do you love about Sangcheng? (sell it to meh hahaha, get me hooked) JINGYI!! Yes, he’d the spice we need in the junior fics! He is just so much fun! I think all of them together make such a perfect and well-balanced mix! Perf flavour hahaha What’s it with all the food references here. Am I mildly thinking about food again? Whaaaat Ohhhh Indian!!! (here we go again w the food hahaha) Damn I love Indian food! I cant take the spice so I always go for the noob dished, but they are amazing,t oo! What makes you hate the summer? Do you dislike sweating? You make it sound so cozy ahhh, I am happy we get to spend your fav season together, then, my dear bunny!! I love these timeless days between christmas and the beginning of the new year. It feels like everything is catching its breath and makes whatever you can think of become a bit more possibe

MXTX-related Questions

So far I haven’t read any other works of MXTX, but I think I wanna get to the one with the demonic guy in red and the white soft one next. What was it called? Heaven something? Now TMI tells me ‘City of Heavenly Fire’ which is absolutely not helpful. Uhm.. I could look it up, but then u wouldn’t witness my absolutely entertaining struggle of trying to make my brain work. The Scumbag Self Serving System (did I get that one right) is the first novel if I am correct. And then there is the Heavenly Helper... No... uhm Mysteries of Heaven... Heaven’s Helping Hand... I don’t think it’s getting any better here. I even watched the Donghua trailer wtf why can’t I remember hahaha... Voices of Heaven (that sounds like an American Singing Contest) Okay... imma look it up now. HEAVEN’S OFFICIAL BLESSING! that one. I was so close Have you read any other works? <3

If I could change one thing in MDZS, what would it be? I would want for XXC and XY to not die, thank you. But then again how about non of my baes die? Okay, lemme try again, to get an impressive and seemingly deep reply... Have Meng Yao realise what kind of a horrible butt his dad is early enough to prevent most of the bad things that happen. I am not sure - but what’s your idea on this one?

My favourite WangXian moment? In CQL it’s the one where they are both at the Cloud Recesses, watching the snowflakes dance through the air. Their bond feels so deep there! Or the one where they are at the lantern thing and WWX get’s LWJ the bunny lantern. Just... the pure happiness. Or the one where they are bold husbands and run away from Carp Tower. Is it even humanly possible to pick just one moment?? Which one is it for you?

General Questions

Do I celebrate Xmas? Yes, I do! I go to my mom’s place for Xmas, where we have dinner and then her boyfriend puts on his super old, super old and worn-out Santa clothes (which is very endearing, cause he is always having the time of his life). Then he hands us our presents which are gathered under the decorated Xmas tree and we have to cite a poem or sing to earn each present. Afterwards we all unpack together, excitedly thanking each other, have dessert and then watch a movie or a video of our past christmasses someone put together It’s all very wholesome. How about you?

Coffee, tea or something else? I like Moccachino, cause it’s an amazing hybrid of coffee and cocoa!! It’s best with coconut milk! That kind of coffee makes me feel all cozy and comfy, but I handle it like a treat. I only drink one, while a close friend of mine drinks several cups of milky coffee a day. I also love cocoa, but I drink it like others drink espresso. I tiny highly concentrated cup. No more. Like a shot of chocolate hahaha I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, but sometimes I crave it. As for tea, I looove herbal tea! Peppermint and Fennel Caraway Anise are amazing. Also freshly brewed ginger tea. And green tea with jasmine/flower blossoms or white tea. Big love for these. All of which without sugar so the flavour comes out to speak of its very own beauty I also like mate tea to keep me awake! Otherwise I love water or - omg - freshly pressed apple juice! The! best! Try it if you aren’t allergic! AHHHH that is honestly THE TREAT for me. Rare treat. I don’t even have it once a year. More like every four years or so. But dang. The. best. How about you? <3

Which shows have I watched this year? Many. Lots of cooking shows (on Netflix), cause, you know, food. xD By now I probably know almost all of them. There was a time when I was thoroughly up to date with ALL cooking shows on Netflix. One of my big dreams is being wealthy enough to hire a cook. To cook for me every day. Yes, yes. Otherwise lots of Asian shows. I can recommend:

Hotel Del Luna (omg, do urself a favour, judging from what I know about your taste I think you will like it a lot) also The King Eternal Monarch (good one, very good one)

I also watched Eternal Love and Eternal Love The Pillowbook, which were okay, but they aren’t my favourites Cinderella and the Four Knights was sweet Accidentally in Love was fun but has some major plot holes in my opinion I enjoyed She-Ra Who Are You moved me quite a bit ahhhh Extraordinary You was quite the ride, too!

What are your 2020 shows?

#mdzsnetcc #bunny friend

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doberbutts · 5 years

Text

Okay so this is going to get long and more than a little bit tmi but it’s a post summing up some strides I’ve made regarding my own transgender journey and I wanted a place to talk about it and maybe help some BabyTrans figure themselves out along the way so I’m putting it under the cut but it’ll go here >:V

Anyway long story short my insurance settlement from my car accident finally figured itself out and I found myself suddenly $30k richer and immediately spent about $10k of that digging myself out of a very deep debt hole I’ve been wallowing in for a while so now I have some actual financial stability plus have some money to throw at some things that would probably make my life a bit better.

And since I have the money to throw at some things, I bought myself a few new binders and also a packer. Binders because my old one was literally disintegrating- part of that is my fault, washing binders in an industrial machine on high heat plus throwing it in the dryer means your binder falls apart faster than it should. Remember I’m from the very end of Ye Olden Days of transmasc products, which means previously most binders lasted a year at most. My binder made it 2.5 years before giving up and becoming a sports bra instead. I’ve learned from my mistakes and treat my binder(s) much more gently now, plus I have more than one so I can rotate them out and not wear the same binder 8-12 hours daily for 2.5 years and kill it doing exactly the same shit.

For reference sake, I’m 5′10′’, 180lbs, 36C bust, and fit a XL from gc2b. Which is who I bought both my previous binder and my current set from. They are low cost, lightweight, well made, and LGBT-owned and operated which makes me super into buying from them instead of some of the other companies offering something similar.

Being that I am biracial and finding something my skintone is always somewhat... interesting... I followed the internet’s suggestion and went with PeeCock for the packer. I’d bought a zip binder from them a few years ago and actually found that to be the most comfortable binder I’ve ever used in the history of ever, but I will say the durability of zip binders is low compared to pull-over binders in my experience, as the zipper exploded one day when I bent down to pick up a small dropped item. I’d had the binder and was rotating its use with my pullover gc2b for about 6 months when this happened, and was in public when I went from flat chested to big uncontained tiddies in the span of seconds. Not great. I’ve been told that probably means it was a little too small for me, but PeeCock is a company based in Singapore, and their sizes like most East Asian clothing do run quite a bit small (I was a XXL in PeeCock sizes when I wore a size L gc2b binder) so there’s not really a lot of wiggle room for me to go up in size. Additionally their sizing taps out at XXXL so anyone who’s bigger than me in the chest/torso is a bit out of luck for their binders. A shame, because that zip binder was so comfortable I fell asleep in it forgetting I even had it on more than once.

Anyway. Since I did like that binder even though we had the wardrobe mishap, and the internet had pretty good reviews on the PeeCock packers because they are multifunctional and actually make correct skin tones for black dudes, I got one. Since money wasn’t an issue I did get the most recent model which was not cheap (~$300) and so far I like it a lot. I got so used to wearing it that when I take it off to clean it, it actually really bothers me. The weight of it is... comforting, in a way.

HOWEVER I did see a bunch of reviews about how I would be super likely to pee on myself the first time using it and then used it and went “wow I don’t have any idea what you guys are talking about this is easy” aaaaand... then peed on myself by accident. Gotta control your stream or things are going to overflow and you’re going to be really sad. And wet. And stinky. Thankfully I had the forethought to practice at home before actually doing this at work/public restrooms but be warned. Being that this is my first one I can’t say if this is common with all packers however I told several of my transmasc friends that do pack and use STP about this experience and they all assured me they did the exact same thing on and off for the first couple weeks and most of them do not have the same brand. We’ve yet to have a repeat at least?

Plus there’s a little attachment rod so I can use it for sexy times with the boyf and also feel what I’m doing to him so there’s that too. 10/10 A+ experience would recommend. The packaging warns you to be careful how you pack because of the way the silicone works, and your partner cannot be on top or ride you, so keep that in mind if you’re considering it. Cleaning is pretty straightforward however and packing feels correct and natural as long as you follow a few rules:

I’ve discovered that whatever size you consider a perfect fit? Unless you like really relaxed fit for your pants, you’ll need to go a size up. I wear tighter clothing and usually skinny jeans at that, and my exact perfect size has been 34/32 for some time now. When packing I need to go up to 36/32 because otherwise wow that crotch is way too tight. I can’t sit down in one of my pairs of jeans and I’m legit sad about it. I also can’t have anything in the pockets of a different pair of jeans or else I have the same tight crotch problem. I went up a size in underwear and that was more comfortable, so I ordered new pants from online and I’ll see if that helps as much as I’m expecting it too.

Speaking of underwear, ymmv, but I genuinely did not expect this. Jockstraps? Super comfy, super durable, and super convenient. Additionally unlike boxers or even briefs, I don’t need a special packing-specific design to be comfortable in one. I never wore one before and honestly this doesn’t even feel like wearing underwear. They’re really just a banana hammock anyway so that’s probably a large part of it, but honestly I would definitely recommend trying them if you haven’t yet. I do have a few pairs of packing briefs and boxers, as well as normal briefs and boxers, and I’ve been alternating between the various types of undies to see which ones I prefer, but I already know my decision so I bought several because I can. One word of advice, though... if your pants ride down understand that your entire butt will be out. I don’t wear low rise pants because they draw too much attention to my waistline and make me super dysphoric, but those that do, watch out.

Jockmail is highly rated and multiple transmasc websites recommend them for packing and I can absolutely see why. Usually the waistband of my underwear irritates my skin and so I was dubious because Jockmail stuff- being that it’s for athletic wear- has a minimum waistband of about 2in... but it’s actually more comfortable and less irritating, rather than the other way around. They also have briefs, boxers (more like short shorts), and boxer briefs, which I also have of the same brand, but... not as comfy. Once again Jockmail is a Hong Kong company so like all East Asian clothes, they run small. I’m a M in most men’s clothing sizes... I am XXL in Jockmail. I also had purchased a brief harness from PeeCock (goes by inches for waist) as well. (Also where I discovered you need to go a size up- I bought a 34in waist brief from PeeCock and it’s a tad tight. I bought a 36in waist brief from Jockmail and it’s perfect. I have been buying 34in waist things for the past few years now- I didn’t suddenly gain 2 inches at the waist, I did suddenly gain a need for a deeper crotch)

If you look down your body from above it will be super obvious that there is a dick there and you will go “oh god I look like I have an erection”. I have been reliably informed that it is actually not true and if you pack correctly a bulge will be there but not so obvious that it looks like you have a raging hardon the whole time. Better to look in the mirror, rather than down your tummy.

(Additionally I voiced my doubts to my boyf who immediately reminded me that most people don’t spend their time staring at someone’s crotch and as long as I wasn’t constantly messing with mine, no one was likely to notice even if I did have an obnoxiously obvious bulge. He then gave me some tips on how to let it hang if I wanted a “natural” look, and when we walked around while I had it on he made sure to check in on my mental health. He’s cute y’all.)

Some (cis) guys will have a specific leg they like to let things hang against. Some switch it up. Some are okay with it hanging straight down provided there’s not a lot of squish happening. Find what feel comfortable and needs the least amount of adjustment for you, and then stick with that. For me, I’ve found straight down or off to the left feels better- a friend of mine prefers off to the right, another straight down only, etc. Also can depend on the size- some (cis) guys I know are a bit smaller down below and are more comfortable with straight down than those with larger weiners.

If you pack you probably need to shave. I was very uncomfortable until I shaved. Now I feel much better packing. So trim that jungle or else you might feel a pinch every few minutes when a hair gets pulled.

And there you have me this morning before I got dressed. As you can see, both fit very nicely. I’m not particularly happy with my stomach or feminine hip set but eh, I cover those with layers and no one bats an eye.

At this point it’s figuring out the whole hormones thing, yelling at my insurance to cover certain surgeries, and... fixing some minor details with my wardrobe... and I’m feeling way more confident than I was a few years ago.

Anyway if anyone has questions feel free to hit me up

#text post #shut up jazi

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gwentoryfics · 5 years

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Oh wait okay this is more of a pet peeve cause I have like a weird penchant for having as much realism in a fic as you can find space for - so when every single dude ya sleep with has just a monster cock I'm like damn it's okay to be average we can let dicks be under 7 inches

YES THANK YOU. honestly i think about dick size a LOT when i’m writing smut because i don’t want to fall into that trap of like “ooo the main character gets all of the biggest dicks and that’s all that she’s attracted to because anything less is NOT HOT EW”

that’s bogus. we stand for dick equality in this household. i’m fully in support of like a slightly smaller/average sized penis, especially as a person who doesn’t actually like big dicks because they’re intimidating and like not comfy (tmi? oh well)

same thing with describing every dude character as being totally chiseled/ripped in order to be sexy. like nah fam, tummies are hot, too. skinny bois are sexy. if i write smut for characters that all end up having the same stereotypical body type, i’ve failed as a writer.

there’s something so nice about realistic sex in fics. especially since i know i have readers that are younger than me and possibly more inexperienced, i feel like it’s kind of my duty to give those reader’s a better idea of what it’s actually like

that being said, i do usually like to give my female reader-insert characters multiple orgasms in a scene (which can be pretty unrealistic, unfortunately), but that’s just me fighting for orgasm equality lmao

#anonymous peach #gwen answers #smut turn-offs

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vyvesvi · 5 years

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vyvesvi’s long awaited yesstyle review lmao :-)

ugh the keep reading isn’t working on mobile rip y’all sry

>a few Important things:

i just moved into my dorm yesterday so everything abt the pics and reviews to follow is a hot mess + i misplaced some stuff + didn’t bring it to my dorm bc it didnt work out (so i don’t have pics)

I’m not being sponsored in any way by yesstyle, i just don’t think there are enough black reviewers of yesstyle goods (but what does race have to do with anything, you may ask??? well, ppl come in all shaoes and sizes and the overlap between east asian sizes and body types and black body types is um. well. slim. that being said, i’ll give you some deets on me: i legit have no idea how much i weigh but im generally thin-ish with thicker thighs and a tummy pouch; height: ~169 cm, generally a US size S - M/4 - 6))

bc im not being sponsored, im not providing any (affiliate) links, just product names, sorry if that’s annoying

every yesstyle member (you become a member when you buy stuff) gets a reawrds code that takes a % off of my next order and the order that the code is used for, but I think it’s only like. 2% or smthng. message me and i’ll try to unearth my code if ur interested)

I ordered this stuff in two separate, similarly sized orders and the delivery time went like this (#1: ordered on- 2019-07-05 01:33 AM; split into two packages for some reason, received on like...july 22ndish? for some reason the tracking info isnt showing the delivery info. the 2nd part of this order, which was shipped a day later, arrived on the 19th. #2: ordered on- 2019-07-30 10:04 AM, received on 08/20, wasn’t expecting much bc it was shipped from hong kong during the protests but it was basically the same as the first order)

>the actual review part

i rly didnt wanna make a long post so just click for better quality sry lmao

edit: rip the quality if y’all want better photos @ me lmao

Dreamkura - Short-Sleeve Embroidered T-Shirt, Black - L

4/5- weird shape (really long sleeves for a short sleeved shirt, and really boxy too), and if you compare the placement and size of the patch vs. the one in the picture it’s not 100% accurate. still a cute shirt though so it’s fine

I sized up for an oversized look but I probably didn’t 100% need to

the black one is currently unavailable :/

camikiss - Seamless Under Shorts, Black - One Size

5/5- i wear these shorts too much. im wearing them right now. the ultimate safety shorts

the one size was a Risk but these shorts stretch well. maybe dont get them if you’re an XL and above in US sizes though

Lemongrass - Distressed Denim Shorts, Dark Blue - M

4.5/5- better quality than primark which. wow, did not see that coming

you have to cut the button hole (they seal it to show they they’ve never been worn apparently)

the button kinda like...jingles if you shake them vigorously, but it doesn’t happen when the pants are on, so it’s fine. still funny tho

im bad at wearing ripped shorts but if ur not i highly recommend

INKLEE - Round Buckle Faux Leather Belt - 105CM

5/5- kinda cheap but it does what I want which is hold my pants up lol

i could’ve sized down but that has way more to do with me not knowing my waist size lmao

Gwendolyn - Off-Shoulder Ruffle-Trim Blouse, White - One Size

4/5- i bought this bc it made me think “flyy like a butterfly” and all that jazz

it’s not my normal style but i really like it! it’s VERY sheer though

but I also got white so what did i really expect?

one-size was a risk once again but this shirt is pretty roomy, although it’s also kinda short...like not crop top short, but slightly difficult to tuck in short.

i would buy it again in black so i guess that says something

also i have like. freaky long arms (i can wave my hand over my shoulder with my arm behind my back and my elbow parallel to my torso...that’s such a weird description but uh. just know that my arms are long okay) and it didn’t look too indecent at the top to have the sleeves pulled down to my wrists! it’s a win!)

Moon City - Drop Shoulder Cardigan, Black - One Size

4.7/5- smelled weird when i opened it but I washed it and it’s fine!

one size risk but this one was also roomy af

the sleeves fit!!! god bless!!!

Edise - Couple Matching Elbow-Sleeve Embroidered T-Shirt, Black - L & White L

5/5- The white one was perfect and I love it! I sized like 2 sizes up for it to be a oversized but I would say it’s only abt 1 size oversized, if that makes sense? but I actually like it the way it is so cool lmao

3.7/5- the black one was really badly sewn on, but i reported it and got a new one for free so go me go yesstyle! they didnt give me tracking info *i think* and i wasn’t really waiting for it so it feels like it came fast lol

the moon is kinda a more awkward shape in person i think, but the stormy clouds were high quality and perfect!

i really like the material of the shirt!s it’s thick and soft and smooth? i’ve legit never felt a tshirt like that but im into it

DIYI - Plain High-Waist A-Line Skirt, Black - M

4.7/5- im wearing the outfit pictured right now and *TMI* the sewn in shorts are giving me a very very uncomfortably large wedgie tbh

it fits perfectly otherwise though

i feel like it’s one of the cheapest feeling things that i received, but it’s about forever21 quality but for only $11.45 so i’m 100% fine with it tbh

TREEZIN - Plaid Mini Skirt, Dark Blue - M

4.7/5- it’s very cute and fits perfectly! kinda shirt though and there was like 1 loose thread

the brown in the skirt isn’t super noticeable which i don’t really mind...overall i’d say that they lightened the photos considerably, which effects the color of the skirt

no safety shorts but idrc

pretty thick material

the final stretch thank god

Manicotto - Mock Two-Piece Sleeveless Mini Dress, Check - M

3/5 pretty cheap material. the skirt is true to size, but the top is like two sizes too small (i don’t have that much boob but it was still too much for this poor, poor, top). they come as separate pieces, so i brought the skirt to school with me and left the top at home. im not sure what i would tell someone who wanted to buy this abt sizing, bc of the dramatic discrepancy btwn the sizes.

A’ROCH - 925 Sterling Silver Dinosaur Earring, 1 Pair - S925 Silver - Gold - One Size

4/5, very cute, VERY small (dainty, sure) and good quality! my only complaint is that either it’s not real silver or whatever it is that they used to make them look gold is something that im allergic to. my ears got itchy

A’ROCH - 925 Sterling Silver Ear Cuff1 Pair - Cross - Silver - One Size

4.7/5, definitely 100% silver. i’d love to wear them but with my move i can’t find either pair of the earrings

they only sell them as 2 of the cross cuffs or 2 of the parallel cuffs which is annoying bc they’re pictured together but they’re good enough and cheap enough that i’d buy the parallel ones in a separate order

Euphrasia - Oxford Crossbody Bag, Black - One Size

5/5 one of my best buys hands down

its ugly cute but it’s so useful

it has so much storage space for such a small bag

im in love

Jansi - Set of 3: Heart-Embroidered Socks, Black + White + Blue - One Size

4.5/5 i wanted the dark gray that’s pictured but they edited the hell out of that photo so the blue that i ordered is actually the gray sock pictured

really comfy and cute! esp with the tops of the hearts peeking out over the tops of high top converses??? i love it sm

i have big feet and they fit me, so they’d fit most ppl i think

Ashlee - Cuffed Denim Shorts, Light Blue - M

2/5, a horrible disappointment part 1

maybe i shouldve sized up more but the critch area just fits SO BADLY i left these at home

i would return but im not paying for return shipping to hong kong so i’ll donate them

they’re also cute really badly like they don’t taper in at the waist at all

no human person is shaped like that pls ashlee

they get a 2 bc they are shorts and they sent me the right color

Rosehedge - Pleated Mini Skirt, Black - S

3/5, a horribly disappointment part 2

i shouldve sized up idky i didnt

i can actually fit into them and zip them up and everything but it’s so so short that you can basically see my entire safety short covered butt and it kinda bulges between the top of the tiny sewn in safety shorts and the actual skirt

wow thats a weird sentence sorry but you get it

has thousands of good reviews though, way more than anything on this list so that must count for something right?

3 bc it’s kinda my fault

Regalia - Faux Leather Wallet, Black - One Size

5/5 beautiful lots of storage space but still very compact, would buy again

the “forever young, made in korea” is kinda ugly but what can you do?

Prinsis - Printed Socks, Dinosaur - White - One Size

3.5/5 they’re cute, but the design is so but that you can see halves of it on the front of the sock, which is very ugly

notice how on the site every pic is taken from the side? not a coincidence

they fit fine and are comfy though

>okay that’s it thank god!

>lmk if you have any questions!!!

(@gowon-yyxy)

#ys saga #yesstyle #yes style #yesstyle review #i see there is not a market for this tag #oh well #im not editing this im too tired

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dredshirtroberts · 5 years

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Best buckle up buttercupz cause this bout to get splodie

Everything will be under a cut because there is high probability this gets TMI really fuckin’ quick and y’all don’t need that in your lives unless you really give that much of a shit about my bedroom activities.

As those who have been with me previously know, this is all stream of consciousness and also apparently my brain has forgotten most spelling rules so if shit starts not looking like words, it’s not you i promise.

I honestly don’t know where to start with this one. I’ve got...a lot of things to go over.

So. If you’ve been following my adventures as of late, I decided to follow a whim and go with a guy I barely know up to Pittsburgh to help him get all his shit out of his old apartment and bring it back down this way close to where I live.

Things to note about this guy: I met him...uh...2??? weeks ago??? on Bumble which is Tinder but less shitty (but still kinda shitty).

Uh...maybe backing up even more???

*headdesk* oh damn this is a lot hang on.

So. End of April I finally ended things for good with my long term boyfriend. Teal deer, things did not go smoothly there and shit ended badly when I was finally able to move out at the beginning of May. There were like...2ish weeks where we were broke up and I was still living with him.

I’ve had some pretty whacked out emotional responses to this upheaval. I legitimately thought he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I wanted that. But he was abusive and not willing to take responsibility for his part in the end of our relationship. So that sucked, but I apparently hadn’t loved him in ages so that part was less painful. I have been far more broken up about losing my two boys in the end of the relationship. I legitimately feel like I’ve lost my children and that fucking sucks and no one fucking understands cause 1) they’re cats and 2) no one i know has done this and had to leave their babies, they usually got to keep their babies. and that’s fucking...

ANYWAY.

About a month? ish ago? I decide fuck it I think I can handle brief and casual attachments so I can have regular sex for the first time in YEARS. cause of course we move in together and the well dries up completely so like, that was not fun. Have a high sex drive and apparently he did not. Anyway, having fun meeting dudes, casual sex and figuring out how to navigate single life and hookup culture.

There are a couple guys who are prospective long term candidates but like...idek if that’s what I want out of any of this??? because I’m still healing? and trying to keep my feet up underneath me in more than a few ways. I’m also trying to keep my trauma on the DL cause it’s really fucking easy for people to take advantage of me and my issues - it’s kind of how I keep getting into shit relationship situations.

So, like. Tinder and Bumble are fun because I forget that it’s meant to be for meeting people? I just like being super shallow and “sorting” my choices into “yeah I could see having a connection with that one” and “absolutely the fuck not”. I’m 27 and kind of a terrible person on the inside. I overcompensate by being a fucking kindness deathray so i think there’s balance maybe.

Dude comes across my bumble and the fun thing with bumble is if you’re showing as W4M on there, you get to initiate contact. Which is terrifying at first until you realize you literally only have to say hi. So yeah, dude is hella cute, profile doesn’t suck, I swipe like (right, I think?). It’s a match! I open with a simple hi. basic chitchat, whatever.

we go out for a date to a location close by that I actually trust because oh hey he’s moving down this way and has good taste in bars. Food and drinks are had. Take him back to mine cause like, he’s fuckin GORGEOUS. and funny. and smart.

And he’s like “yeah I’ll spend the night, but I won’t fuck you til we’re sobered up.” Which, i mean, be still my beating heart, yeah? (I WARNED you this was going to be TMI y’all. if this is already too much I totes get it, it’s likely not going to be any better further on). So we go to sleep, and maybe I have a hard time sleepign but I’ve *had* a hard time sleeping. We wake up, do the sexing, and then he buys me coffee. Like, not only did he pay for the entire date the night before, tell me he will not have sex with me while there’s a chance i might be drunk, is just fucking...amazing in bed, but he BUYS ME COFFEE.

So like, alright, this is one I’ll keep around for a while cause I’m doing casual shit, yeah? nothing serious, nothing with attachments. no strings. just free food and sex.

Oh and did I mention he’s a cuddler???? but like? a cuddler that cuddles the way I like cuddling???? do you *know* how hard it is to find that??? I’m apparently very specific in my cuddle preferences.

So whatever, we exchange numbers (which I do not do with people from these apps until I’m comfortable with them). He’s also got multiple girls he’s seeing right now and that’s totally chill and like, it’s clear nothing’s going to go quickly here, just fun.

Talking - he’s very clever and does the sentence making doing well. He and one of the other girls he’s seeing goes up to P-burgh to begin the great migration, he calls me while he’s out there, and he’s got some shit going on in his life and I’m like, that’s some drama you’ve got there. It’s shitty for you, hope it gets better, yeah? They come back down, and he drops by to hang out and grab some of the shit he left at mines. He’s waiting to get into his new place nearby, and he needs a place to stash his stuff and I have a relatively safely located appartment so I’m like. I think I got a corner for some shit. Then he’s like “hey, wanna go to [area he’s moving to where his parents also live]” and I’m like, sure. I’m down for a quick road trip.

we’re out that way and he’s like “Hey there’s this park this way and there’s a lodge or whatever I think you’ll like” and I”m like, “k I like parks!” and as we travel out and he’s telling me about it I’m realizing this is not like...slide and swingset park, this is national park style stuff. And I’m like ‘Oh shiiiit I know where we’re going he’s right I do like it!’ we get out there and it’s rainy but we hike a little for s&gs, and then he’s like let’s go inside and all the sudden we’re getting a room for the night???? and this is not your momma’s motor-hotel on the side of the road, this is a kinda swanky lodge and i’m like???? okay???? wish i’d known or i’da packed better for an overnight???

so like...yeah I have a great time, it’s beautiful out there. Like...idk if any of you are familiar with the Blue Ridge Mountains, but the fuckin’...the Parkway y’all. Is one of my favorite places to be and this is right the fuck there and it’s great. The weather’s nice, the food is delicious, clearly I enjoy the company, I have a blast.

We stay the night, get up in the morning and head back to mine and we chill for a minute and I change clothes cause eww i’m wearing clothes I’ve hiked in. I get comfy and ready for a nice day chillin at home. And he’s like “So. Wanna come up to Pittsburgh with me?” I’m now I’m familiar with his planning methods which are none. So i figure it’s a quick overnight, maybe 2 nights and I’m like “Fuck it, sure.” I pack a little better but I’m wearing my contacts and I’m like “I can totally sleep in these a couple nights and be fine” and I just kinda...am in his car on a 7+hr drive to Pennsylvania.

And he’s really easy to get along with. Of course for some reason my period just shows up 3 weeks early out of fucking nowhere which put a little damper on shit but I didn’t have to worry because we weren’t only spending a couple nights up there. We spent nearly a week up there for...reeaassoonnnns?????

I wait til day 3 and I’m like “So...uh, idk if you know this but I had no idea we’d be up here this long or i’d have brought another outfit? and some toiletries?” And he is like... “Um...I didn’t mean to like, abduct you or anything. do you need me to take you back???” To which I respond that all I want is an idea of how long he’s planning on being up there so i can best make adjustments where necessary and that the only date I *have* to be back for is my sister’s bday which is Friday.

This is all fine and we work it out, but I realize that he doesn’t do “planning” apparently. So I get really good at being proactive with trying to figure out what his expectations are.

He’s your typical 28yo white cishet dude. You know what I’m talking about, so some of the stuff I expressed concerns with, I am trying to temper with the fact that he’s literally just as dumb about the world as my dad is and my dad’s a decent person - an idiot about how the world actually works but a decent person.

And like? It’s really annoying being near him because he does everything the way I specifically like it? And I never said a damn thing??? because I don’t talk about my particular eccentricities wrt my preferences in how i like being touched/shown affection/cuddled? So he wouldn’t know???

Really fucking annoying cause I’m trying very hard to make it so my heart doesn’t take over when I’m really trying hard to be chill and casual and clearly he is just wanting to be casual and shit but then he says things? and it’s like...so off-handed and flip but gives my heart the flutters because?? maybe there’s more than just a small potential?

I get real tetchy on my period and put up with a lot less, i was also less than properly medicated so that did not help, but like...I never got to the point I used to get to with my exes where I just...couldn’t handle being around them or their normal ass selves. This guy does things that are annoying sure, and I had less patience for it than normal and then like 2 seconds later he’s literally out of one of my romantic fantasies about how i would like the perfect guy to treat me? and be around me?

*sigh*

Anyway, I had a great time in Pittsburgh cause I’d never been and he found my weakness because I’m a ho for some museums and art and shit and he took me to the carnegie mellon museums and let me just wander around like a doof with my jaw on the floor the whole time. Also we did some other stuff and he took me to Fallingwater which was like an hour or so away from P-burgh but was soooo cooooool.

Oh and I didn’t even mention the real kicker in all of this. He *gets* what i’m going through because he’s been in my shoes previously and it’s fucking mindblowing so he knows what to say and how to do the nice? and like???

IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR I’M NOT READY FOR THIS SHIT HEART. YOU GOTTA LEAVE ME BE AND LET ME JUST APPRECIATE THAT HE’S PRETTY OKAY???

I hate the universe. Thanks tho, U-girl. I know you got my back.

so. That’s what’s been going on. Got back home safely, he’s got his own place like 30mins to an hour away, easier access to the other girls he’s seeing right now, and I have time to properly process and catalog my thoughts before I see him again.

Cause I’m gonna. He’s *damn* good in bed.

#life post #no really there's a lot of TMI in here #read at your own risk #ya girl's a disaster panda still but at least i'm chill about it rn

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truthfulrebellion-blog · 6 years

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Hysterectomy

Let’s call it what it is. No pussy footing around it. A necessary evil on the way to the end game: phalloplasty. I had been waiting almost six months to hear back about my approval for phalloplasty. I currently have health insurance through Kaiser Permanente, and they had a laundry list of things for me to do in order to present my file to the medical board. I had to transfer my files over from the organization I was seeking healthcare through, as it was cheaper than paying out of pocket for an endocrinologist, to Kaiser. I also had to obtain letters from two medical professionals confirming my need for bottom surgery. The whole process took nearly a year and several trips to medical facilities nearly thirty miles away from my home. My case manager finally called and said in order for the final review to occur, I had to get a hysterectomy.

At the time, I thought that was done by the surgeon performing the phalloplasty at the time of the phalloplasty. With Kaiser, that is not the case. They want anything and everything they have the capability of doing done within their facility. Likely to keep costs down. I didn’t mind. My hysterectomy was scheduled for December 15th, 2018. I had to get blood tests done and watch several videos that didn’t pertain to my situation regarding the procedure. The videos are, obviously, geared towards women. I did what I needed to do and prepared myself for the surgery date. I got a call to move my surgery up about 10 days, even better. Then not 24 hours before the surgery, I received a call stating that it was being delayed for a week. My new date was the 11th. This was terribly inconvenient as my care giver for after my surgery had already taken off work for the original surgery date.

I walked into the facility to check in about an hour early. I had yet another interesting surprise. The surgery was going to cost me money. $475, or close to it. Luckily, I had the money. I was very upset that I wasn’t told about this ahead of time, however. I am paying for the most expensive coverage this company offers so I had as little to pay out of pocket as possible. In the grand scheme of things, $475 is better than $10k. It still would have been nice to know before I showed up. If you have Kaiser, please make sure you know exactly what the costs are before you walk in the door.

I got checked in. I had to remove all of my clothing, put on a hospital gown & surgery cap, and take one final per break. I also forgot to mention I had to stop eating at midnight the day of and wipe my body down with these pre-surgery wipes. I was hungry and my skin smelled weird. They hooked up my IV, fed me my “lunch”, and several doctors came in to ask me questions and verify information. My surgery was supposed to occur at 3pm, but was delayed until closer to 5/530. My surgeon came in to make sure I knew what was about to take place. He also talked to me about a surgeon for bottom surgery in Arizona or New Mexico he was going to refer me to. He had given me the name in our prior consultation. When I looked that surgeon up, I was horrified. The man was fired from the California region Kaiser Permanente for botching transwomens vaginoplasties. The guy didn’t even specialize in phalloplasty. I expressed these concerns to him and told him it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to partner with him for any trans surgeries. Hopefully he heeds my advice. He confirmed that after the surgery, he would stick to the decision to refer me to Dr. Jens Berli of Portland, OR.

I knew nothing of Dr. Berli. There are no results to been seen online, barely anyone who has undergone his procedure even talks about their results, and I couldn’t find any other information besides his starting point in Maryland. I found his Facebook page and did some pretty intense research on him. He seems to genuinely care about his patients and has a passion for what he does. His only negative review is from someone who never had surgery with him because of a communication issue with his staff. Everyone else gave him five stars. So, I figured why the hell not. Hopefully my progress will help others who may be going to Dr. Berli for their phalloplasty be more comfortable with moving forward with him or the surgery itself. I am flying as blind in this moment as some of those who might read this in the future might feel. Trust me. I feel your pain.

I finally went in for my surgery. This time I wasn’t put under until I was on the surgery table. For my top surgery, I was out before I turned the corner on the way to the operating room. The next thing I remember is waking up several hours later and in pain. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was very disoriented. I’m not surprised considering I was on anesthesia. Apparently I wasn’t breathing enough either since my O2 alarm kept going off. I had to stay for an extra hour until I could get my breathing going regularly. Which is hard because I believe I have sleep apnea, and when I sleep I breathe much slower than I do when I’m awake. So I would fall back asleep, stop breathing, and be woken up by the nurses to get me to breathe. I didn’t feel any different than I usually do. I was actually quite comfy. But I’m sure it was uncomfortable for others around me to see me breathe 1-2 times a minute while asleep.

I was in so much pain. The pain meds hadn’t kicked in yet. I had had a total hysterectomy, oophorectomy, and partial vaginectomy. Let me tell you. When your genitals are covered in stitches, sitting fucking hurts. I couldn’t get comfortable. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Lord, that was an adventure in of itself. Once I was done, I had to have the nurse help me pull my maternity disposable underwear and extra absorbent pad on. And to help me get dressed. The was a humbling experience. But those disposable underwear are comfortable AF. I wish I had had more of them. I was only sent home with the 1 extra pair. After I got dressed, they sent my care giver to get the car. They sat me in a wheel chair and wheeled me to the pick up area. Wheel chairs are super uncomfortable. I begged the nurse to let me sit on the plushy waiting area seat, but she told me no. I couldn’t wait to get out of that chair. It hurt so bad.

I’ll spare additional details about the trip home. I was basically in pain in the seat, it took over an hour to get home, and I got right in the couch seat I’d be in for the next week and fell asleep. I had to wake up every 1-2 hours to pee and every 4 hours to take my pain meds. Compared to my chest surgery, the pain of the hysterectomy actually wasn’t too bad. I barely needed any medicine. The worst pain came when I peed. It burned like the surface of the sun, and I could barely get the urine out. This lasted for about 2-3 days. I was bleeding pretty regularly for 1-2 weeks and spotting until the 6th week. I had horrible colored discharge the entire recovery. I actually had to go get adult diapers when my last pair of those comfy underwear got worn out. I couldn’t find any of those huge puffy pads or anything without adhesive.

I think the worst part was not being able to poop. I could feel the poop in my back. I really could. But I could not get my bowels to work. Apparently, this is normal. I ended up pooping on day 5. Best advice? Take stool softeners religiously. I would go so far as to say take a laxative on day 3 or 4 because that poop is going to be quite solid. TMI alert, my first poop after surgery tore a little bit of the inside. Like a hemorrhoid. I’m getting into these details because I wish I had had them. It’s not rainbows and butterflies. It’s bleeding and inability to poop. I also could barely sleep as I had to sleep on my back, and I can’t sleep on my back. I get so unfortable. By day 3 I was sleeping on my side on the other couch. I’m also a bigger guy, so I had to hold my stomach when I got up since there was a lot of pain from my belly hanging. I’m not 300+ pounds or anything, but I do have a beer belly. If you are the same, just be prepared for tummy pain when getting up.

I slept on the couch for 3 weeks. It was so much more comfortable than my bed. And it was easy access to everything. I am almost 8 weeks post op and still get tummy pain. But for the most part, pain and blood free. I do still have discharge coming out. I’ll probably continue to wear the diapers until I run out just in case. I had already ruined a pair of pants when I thought the discharge was done. But after about 7-10 days, I was walking around and driving and doing what I needed to do. It was uncomfortable to sit and bend over, so my roommate had to help with a lot of things. My final observation is to leave the scabs alone. I accidentally picked at my belly scab and one of the dissolvable stitches came loose from my incision. I had that stitch hanging out for at least 2 weeks until it finally dissolved at the base and popped off. My scars look great and my hair has finally grown back on my stomach.

I’m doing all of this well after my surgery, so I am sure I have missed a thing or two. If you have any questions, please give me a comment or a message. I will answer anything.

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d3ndroica · 7 years

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Big Apple 8

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Friday morning, Madge headed to work with an extra spring in her step. Maybe because it was Friday and there was an afternoon holiday party at work. Or maybe because she had weekend plans with Gale. There was a constant fluttering in the pit of her stomach, half anticipation and half anxiety. In the morning she threw herself into the minutiae of lab work. She had a quick meeting over lunch confirming the expected schedule for the holidays - Madge had a few days off including Christmas. The lab’s holiday party was a casual thing starting at 2pm. Madge had finished most of her lab work in the morning, and as she checked email her mind wandered. Saturday dinner with Gale loomed in her mind. A Date! Okay, maybe a date. They hadn’t really specified, but Madge was feeling optimistic.

To help distract herself from the inevitable overthinking, Madge texted with Thom. He had been super grumpy since his show ended and she figured she could kill two birds with one stone, cheering him up and distracting herself. She convinced him she would come to his place for dinner and a movie or something. He only agreed because it was “totally gross” out and he had practically no disposable income, but at least he agreed.

The holiday party was, well, a bit awkward. Even though she’d done a few happy hours, having the bosses and other people she didn’t know put a damper on the party spirit. But there was wine and free food and a group gift exchange in which Madge scored a new travel mug and coffee shop gift card, so it wasn’t all bad.

She showed up at Thom’s after work with frozen pizza and ice cream. As usual, Thom proved to be an excellent distraction from whatever was on her mind. They watched a stupid comedy and made snarky comments through the whole thing. When the movie was over Thom switched over to Real Housewives and before Madge realized how late it was, she was half asleep on the couch, so she just stayed the night. Saturday was cold but clear. Madge was bundled up on the subway, reading a book on her way home when she got Gale’s message. She had to fish for the phone from her coat pocket and take off her gloves to unlock it. Gale 10:51am can’t make it tonight something came up sorry :(

Madge 10:54am OK. Everything OK?

Gale 10:55am Yeah OK. rain check?

Madge 10:57am Yeah np

Except, of course, it was a problem. Why, she wondered. He hadn’t explained, and she hadn’t asked, but it felt like rejection. Something came up, which could mean anything at all, or nothing. The idea of a rain check was little consolation.

Madge tried to make new plans. Well, she texted Rue about doing something, but Rue had a performance. She’d be free on Monday, so Madge agreed to meet up then. Madge also emailed Delly a sad diatribe about men being stupid, but mostly she felt like the stupid one. Ugh. So she wound up spending Saturday night doing laundry, watching Sex and the City streaming online, and getting drunk on cheap wine. She glared at her phone but did not text him. She’d decided that since he had canceled the plans she’d initiated, it was up to him to re-engage. Sunday she finished her holiday shopping. Delly called to commiserate about their lack of dating lives. That evening, Madge called her dad, catching him up on work and the city - everything except Gale. She didn’t talk about her dating life with family if she could avoid it. Her dad spent about 20 minutes describing the latest episode of Midsomer Murders he’d seen, practically scene by scene, except he kept mixing up which characters were which, so Madge was left with a bizarre muddle of people who may have been blackmailing and/or sleeping with each other.

Monday rolled around all too quickly. Madge felt forlorn, a cold dreary Monday and still nothing from Gale. She had a busy day scheduled in the lab, prepping her new cell cultures. She was determined to be sure everything was pristine this time around. As she was breaking for lunch, she ran into another lab tech, Vinayak, whom she’d chatted with at the holiday party. He was watching some viral video a student had made for their biology class about cell reproduction processes - Madge had to appreciate it, it mentioned apoptosis! She got sucked into a short conversation with him and some other coworkers about it and other biomed social media. When she finally got back to her desk she checked her phone and found a series of messages waiting. Rue had messaged with a suggestion for a dive bar to meet at before the movie. And Gale had texted. Finally. Gale 11:23am hey

Gale 11:29am you free tonight?

Madge 12:41pm Sorry :( have plans Been stuck in the lab Maybe tomorrow?

Madge sighed. The more she thought about it, she realized she was angry at him. Did he think Monday night plans were just as good as Saturday? And why was it always the same day, couldn’t he make plans a few days out, give her some warning? She hadn’t really thought about it before but now it occurred to her that he had only ever made plans on the same day with her - never in advance. She wasn’t sure if that was supposed to tell her something about him - or about her. And he was mostly MIA on weekends which seemed, if anything, not promising. The whole things left her feeling grumpy. She was happy that she had enough of a life to not be at his beck and call (not a fair accounting but whatever, she still considered herself new to the city and for once she had plans so she could at least feel good about that). She was also annoyed that she wouldn’t see him.

Still, she was determined to have fun tonight, meeting up with Rue to see the latest Wonder Woman movie. Returning to the lab after lunch, Madge struggled to get through all the steps of the day’s protocol. After a hectic afternoon, Madge managed to be only a little late meeting Rue at a dive bar, just in time to take advantage of the cheap (and weak) happy hour specials before the movie. Madge barely even had time to look at her phone. They talked about the holidays - Rue’s shows were scheduled throughout so she would be in town working through all the holidays. She asked about Madge’s work. Madge started explaining her day, but gave up when she saw Rue’s blank look. They moved onto other topics before walking to the theater. The movie was entertaining, and they made vague promises of getting together again soon before each heading home.

Gale 1:03pm tomorrow should be ok I have a meeting til 5 then free

Madge 6:20pm Sounds good. I should be able to get off early tomorrow

Gale 6:41pm U up for morningside? Could eat nearby?

Madge 10:34pm ok Any ideas? Or just meet at subway stn?

Gale 10:39pm sure just meet 116th st subway @ 6?

Madge 10:50pm Soudns good ….so I just did the thing where I turned on the computer and started scanning the exact same feeds I’ve been looking at on my phone 😩😫

Gale 10:52pm 😆 home now?

Madge 10:54pm 👣🍿🎵

Gale 10:59pm long day?

Madge 11:04pm soo long It was hard But good, you know?

Gale 11:06pm you know i said day not date right? you didn’t send a going home with someone emoji

Madge smirked at her phone.

Madge 11:07pm You think if I were with long hard & good I would be on my phone?

Gale 11:08pm well good isn’t mindblowing so it depends if you want 🍆 or 💏

Madge 11:09pm It can’t be both? (Unless you’re accusing me of ethnic cleansing bc those people are weirdly yellow)

Gale 11:09pm ok you’re alone so want to explain what was long, hard, and good for you today? inquiring minds want to know 😉

Madge 11:10pm Just another busy day curing cancer ;-)

Gale 11:11pm I heard it’s more complicated than that

Madge 11:12pm Well that’s what makes it so hard

Gale 11:14pm lol, guess i have to give you that one sounds stimulating 😎

Madge 11:16pm So - how was your day?

Gale 11:17pm well not as long or hard as yours 😉

Madge 11:18pm Well It’s not about the length of your day but what you do with it ;-)

Gale 11:20pm 🙊 I’ll try to remember that looking forward to 2moro

Madge 11:21pm Me 2 :)

Gale 11:22pm 👍

Madge hesitated, typed, it’s a date, and told herself to press send. She wavered. She wanted him to say it was a date. Why couldn’t he say that? She knew he could see that she’d been typing. She deleted the words she’d written.

Madge 11:25pm my long day is catching up with me See you tomorrow

Gale 11:26pm goodnight Madge set down her phone and thought about what she would wear the next day. She took a shower, washed and dried her hair. She pulled on comfy flannel pajamas and laid down for bed. And laid there. Awake.

Madge 12:13am Hi

Thom 12:15am Yo

Madge 12:16am Seeing GH tomorrow

Thom 12:17am 👍🔥 r u 2 DTF

Madge 12:18am NO We’re not even dating

Thom 12:19am nedn fuck him then u’ll know

Madge 12:21am Can you be serious for one minute? We’re supposed to go to morningside park Is that a terrible idea?

Thom 12:22am u rly worried?

Madge 12:23am I barely know him and we’re going for a nighttime stroll in a strange park. If this were a horror movie I’d be saying how dumb I was

Thom 12:24am STOP UR NOT IN A MOVIE anw he’s mr consent 100% ggg

Madge laughed out loud at that - mostly at herself. She didn’t even know where that had come from but Thom as usual managed to calm her while bordering on TMI.

Madge 12:25am lol Sorry

Thom 12:26am npgf now go 2 bed b ;)

Tuesday morning she opted for a shorter workout than usual, allowing some extra time to prepare for that night. She could not even pretend she thought this was going to be casual. She was still a little annoyed at him, but having a little advance warning was better than none. She could at least pick out her outfit knowing she’d see him.

She wondered what would happen. She knew she could be in for a big disappointment, but she couldn’t help hope. As distracted as she was, work was helpful for keeping her occupied. She was still determined to get the labwork right. She managed to push most of the thoughts of Gale to the side as she peered into her microscope to observe her lab cultures.

They sent a few texts midday, not much more than confirming the night’s plans. Before she knew where the time had gone, it was 6pm and she was packed with a thousand other strangers on the train, protecting her small allotment of breathing room from the other jostling passengers, speeding towards … something. She came through the turnstiles and he was there. Leaning on the wall, head bent down toward his phone, his eyes were skimming the turnstiles. For her. Her heart beat a little faster. How long had it been? He looked good. He was clean shaven; he wore a beanie with a Knicks logo pulled down low over his head.

Was this happening? She ran her fingers through her hair and walked over. Gale smiled when he saw her and tucked his phone into a pocket. His “hi” was warm. Madge’s mind chased the question whether it was a friendly warm or something more. If she had been hoping for time to stop, it didn’t - their eyes met for a moment and then suddenly he was adjusting his scarf and leading her toward the subway exit far too quickly.

She had done a cursory web search to see what food was nearby. Maybe Gale had too, or maybe he just knew the neighborhood. As they left the station he said, “Well, there’s seafood, a beer garden, or middle eastern right on the corner. There’s other stuff nearby. What are you in the mood for?”

“How about middle eastern?” she suggested. “I haven’t had a good falafel in ages.” Madge had already checked out their website.

“Falafel?” From his dubious tone, she guessed it wasn’t what he’d expected her to choose.

“Is that okay?” She quirked up an eyebrow and looked at him. She had assumed he would be okay with his own list.

“Sure,” he agreed, seeming amused.

They quickly spotted the middle eastern cafe across the street, with a cute storefront. Gale took that extra stride as they approached the door and held it open for her. As he stepped through after her, Madge rubbed her hands in the warmth of the cafe.

They were led to a small table along the wall, and quickly shed their coats and scarves. They sat, Madge facing the inner restaurant and Gale facing the window, coats draped over chairs. Sitting across from each other, Gale asked Madge about her day. Whether real or imagined, the gleam in his eye led her thoughts directly to the long and hard convo … Shit, was he trying to be dirty or was it just her? It was going to be harder to keep her head clear with him right here in front of her. Madge saw the waiter coming to fill their water glasses and opened her menu as if to remind herself where they were. She was sure her cheeks flushed as she rambled something about her workday. When she asked about his day, Gale talked briefly about work, about working through bugs in their code, and a customer who kept changing their priorities.

The menu choices looked pretty standard by Madge’s experience. They decided to share the appetizer sampler which included hummus, baba ghanoush, grape leaves and the like. Madge added falafel; Gale picked chicken shawarma. It wasn’t long before they’d put in their order with the young waiter.

Soon after the drinks arrived Gale asked, “So when are you going home for Christmas?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah,” she said. “Not til next week, my flight is Tuesday. I hope the weather doesn’t mess up my flights or anything. I’m just going for a few days - visit my dad and see a few friends. You?”

Gale shook his head. “Still need to get tickets. I’m going, I just don’t know the details yet.”

“Really? Isn’t it kind of late for that?”

“Well, I’m just catching a train. I’ll figure it out this week.”

Madge shook her head, amazed at how cavalier he was about leaving Christmas travel details to the last minute. “What about work?” she asked. As odd as it seemed, he had to know what he was doing; unlike her, he had done this before. He had lived here a lot longer than her.

“I took some time off,” he shrugged. “And i can work remotely if i need to.”

“Must be nice,” she answered.

Talking about Christmas plans led to talking about family. Gale talked about his more than she expected - two college aged brothers she had trouble keeping straight, and a twelve year old sister. He seemed extremely protective and fond of them. The waiter came and went, bringing appetizers and main courses. Gale asked about her family and hometown, things she usually didn’t talk much about.

She told him about her dad’s obsession with British crime dramas. ”We always watch a few when I’m home, except half the time he falls asleep in the middle, so I don’t know what the point is,” she laughed.

One side of Gale’s mouth twisted up in a half smile and their gazes held. “What do you do if he falls asleep?” He popped the last stuffed grape leaf into his mouth.

Madge shrugged. “I still watch it. I mean, by then I’m usually hooked anyway.”

“Are you sure he’s the one who’s obsessed?” he asked with a smirk.

They dawdled over the last crumbs on their plates until Madge asked the passing waiter for the bill. Turning back to Gale she asked, “So how far is Morningside from here?”

“A couple blocks. But we don’t have to go tonight,” Gale hedged.

“No I want to,” Madge countered. “I mean, that was the plan right? And a walk would be nice.”

“Okay, then,” Gale agreed, but he didn’t seem as enthusiastic as Madge had expected. A little doubt worried her thoughts.

After Madge paid the bill, they pulled their coats on and headed for the street. “Thanks for dinner,” Gale said.

“Well I did owe you,” she answered. “But you’re welcome.”

Outside the sky was that strange shade of purple caused by orange city lights reflecting off the dark clouds overhead. The streetlights lit their way down 116th street to the park. Madge shivered against the cold and pulled her gloves on as they walked.

“We could do the park another time,” Gale offered. “If it’s too cold.”

“Shut up,” Madge said, eyeing the darkness ahead of them. “I’ll be fine once we’re walking.”

Other than her toes, because her boots that could both look good and can handle walking were not well insulated, and her nose, she did warm quickly. She kept her hands in her pockets,mostly because Gale’s hands were in his pockets. Now that they were on their way, Gale seemed relaxed.

As they approached the park, Madge’s uncertainty grew. She felt her awareness of the dark shadows ramping up and her heartbeat picking up the pace.

“Do you do this a lot?” she asked.

“No,” he admitted with a grin. A jogger with a dog passed by.

“I’m all for trying new things but are you sure this is safe? Because it seems kinda crazy. And I would really like to not wake up dead in a ditch somewhere tomorrow.”

“Trust me, we’ll be fine,” he shrugged off her concern. “Give it a chance and if you want to leave, just say so and we’ll leave. Buddy system, remember?” On her own, Madge thought the buddy system sounded awfully platonic, but somehow he made it sound flirtatious.

“Right,” she said.

There weren’t many people around, just a few figures here and there who all appeared to be on their way somewhere. Gale headed to the left when they entered the park. There were street lamps here and there providing pools of light enough to follow the path easily. You could see the buildings on either side of the park, the ones to the west towering over them from the top of a steep and tree-covered hillside. They walked together past the dog run where a few stragglers were still chasing each other. Their owners stood off to one side, chatting to pass the time while watching the dogs. Gale raised an arm in a friendly gesture; one of the dog walkers reciprocated. When they reached a fork in the path, they turned further into the park and north again.

Other than being dark off the path, the park seemed fairly innocuous. Madge’s nerves began to calm down. “So is this your favorite park?” she asked.

Gale shook his head. “Nah. It’s too small. But I like it. It feels homey.”

“Homey?” Madge was dubious.

“Well, yeah. You’ve got playgrounds and b-ball hoops, baseball fields, the dog walk. You’ll have to see it in the daylight sometime,” Gale said.

Madge pursed her lips, annoyed.

Gale must have realized it. “Sorry I bailed on Saturday,” he said quietly.

“Uh-huh,” Madge replied, noncommittal. The silence stretched between them as she debated whether to ask more. Her mouth was dry. “So … what happened?”

With a rueful sigh Gale answered, “um, well. It’s not a good story. My roommate Jimmy had stomach flu last week. As in, literally immediately after we talked about getting together, he starts puking his guts out. And doesn’t stop. I was kind of hoping it was just food poisoning or something. But then it hit Carlo on Saturday morning. I figured I was next.”

“Oh,” Madge said, wrinkling her nose and, to be honest, trying not to laugh.

“It wasn’t pretty,” he added. “I basically spent the weekend watching sports in my room and cleaning everything in the apartment. I figured if we came Saturday I’d ruin it by getting sick. Or something. It didn’t matter - I never got sick, but still - guess I got lucky. They’re both fine now, anyway.”

“Oh, that’s good,” she agreed. “So ... um. Why didn’t you say so?”

“Sorry,” he sighed. “It’s not exactly, you know, a pleasant image. I was going to email you … but I don’t have your email. So that plan kinda fell apart.”

“Oh,” she said. “Well I’m glad you’re okay. And at least we’re here now.” She was mostly relieved that it was a decent reason. Still, if she had only known, the last few days would have been easier, at least. But, complaining now seemed silly -she felt immature, and didn’t want him to know she’d felt so insecure and jealous over it. She had no right to feel those things.

“Yeah, we are,” Gale agreed, his mouth curving into a smile as he looked back at her - she hadn’t even realized she’d slowed down. He reached out a hand to her. “C’mon, then.” She took it, feeling his heat through the fingers of her gloves.

Up ahead there was water on their left, between the hillside - no, the cliff - and the path. Madge eyed the water as they walked. She joked, “My roommate knows where I am and who I’m with. So, you know, you can forget about any plans you had to slash my throat and toss my body in the water.” The cliff face across the water looked imposing in the dark, a hulking shadow.

“What?” Gale shook his head. “Wow that would make me the worst buddy ever.”

“I’m just saying, logically, it’s a bad idea,” she argued, trying to sound matter of fact.

“Oh, thanks,” Gale answered. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? I think you’ve been watching too many crime dramas with your dad. And come on, Slash your throat? Seems unnecessarily messy.”

She laughed.

“Besides this is no place to dump a body. It’s not THAT remote,” he scoffed.

“Oh, thanks, that’s comforting,” she answered, still laughing.

“Well when you said you were afraid to go in city parks alone in the dark I had no idea you would accuse me of being a knife-wielding maniac.”

“I never said maniac,” she protested.

“It was implied. If you can’t trust your buddy who can you trust?”

“I trust you,” She grumbled. “But -”

“But what?”

“You want to talk about implications, how about this? What are the implications of me being alone with you in a strange park at night. I want to see the park and I’m sure it’s great but it’s really not why I’m here. If you want to be buddies that’s fine, but -”

He cut her off, saying, “I thought it would be romantic.”

“What?”

“The park. I thought it would be romantic. A walk through the park, moonlight, holding hands.“

Madge stepped in close. She tilted her face to his and kissed him. Her lips moved against his, soft and slow. He responded, and she felt his arms wrap around her.

She smiled against his lips.

“Romantic, huh?”

#gadge #nyc-verse #my-fanfic #my fanfic #gadge fanfic

9 notes · View notes

trisabelle · 7 years

Text

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 an arbitrary number of people to be tagged. I was tagged by the amazing @canitellusmthin !! I love ya, you diamond in the rough (tumblr. tumblr is the rough)

LAST:

Last Drink: Water!

Last Phone Call: My Dad calling to ask if we needed any groceries.

Last Text Message: To my sister asking if she remembered the wifi password. Unless you count IM's in general, in which case, saying goodnight to my bf and gf!!

Last Song You Listened To: Memory by Koethe Koethe, while I was dressing this morning. Well, afternoon..

Last Time I Cried: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I am a babby but I rarely cry and tend to try to forget about t if I do.

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated Someone Twice: Nope

Been Cheated On: No

Kissed Someone and Regretted It: Only ever kissed one person, didn't regret it even if we didn't work out together.

Lost Someone Special: For a while a friend dropped off the internet for about a month after being really suicidal.. thought she died but she came back. That was years ago though

Been Depressed: I'm depress in this binch 25/7 my dudes

Been Drunk and Thrown Up: Never been drunk, never drank alcohol ever and don't want to

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a New Friend: Ye!

Fallen Out of Love: No

Laughed Until You Cried: YUP. Memes do that to me. Also, that video of two hamsters with a hamster wheel on its side, and they keep spinning it until it whips them around and they just keep going until they're at lightspeed

Met Someone Who Changed You: The people that come to mind; Jay, Liz, and the two who I plan to spend my life with, Matt and Lizzy!!!!! 💖💖💖

Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: This.. is very vague.. yes..????

GENERAL:

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: A few I've met in real life when I went to visit a girlfriend at the time down in California.

Do you have any pets?: A Doge (Steve), a Doogler (Molly), and a recently adopted fishy!! His name is Gillbert.

Do you want to change your name?: Nop!! I'm super happy with my name. Mostly because Tris isn't really gender specific and I like that

What time did you wake up this morning?: "Morning" hahahhahhahahahahahhahahah

What were you doing last night?: Just reading once I was in bed. Before that I was getting FO4 modded and talking to the bae's

Name something you cannot wait for: LIFE IS STRANGE: BEFORE THE STORM - EPISODE 3 HELL IS EMPTY

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: My great-granddad. He died a while back but I remember him. He built a bunch of stuff for my Thomas the tank engine sets. Also my middle name was after him

What’s getting on your nerves rn?: i,m tired

Blood type: ye

Nickname: Tris

Relationship status: In a closed triangle!! I know my trigonometry from an intimate perspective c;

Zodiac sign: Sagittarius. Did I spell it right

Pronouns: He/him, but idfc honestly. I have a feeling they're he/him just because I'm so used to it, even tho I totally identify as a boy

Favorite tv show: Sense8. The beautiful masterpiece collision between scifi, drama, and an expression of just what humanity is

College: Not yet!! Should he doing some college courses starting January

Hair colour: Black!! Or rly rly rly dark brown. Used to be chestnut brown but maybe I'm just crazy

Long or short: Hair? Or height? I have longish hair for a boy, it's not far past my shoulders and hella curly. Once I get the courage it'll be in a lil ponytail. And height, I'm 5"6' or however you write it. Five foot six. I wanna be smol™

Do you have a crush on someone: Ye. On my Big Frog and Giant Frog

What do you like about yourself: (awkward laugh) haha yeah totally

FIRSTS:

First surgery: Colonoscopy. Sorry if tmi, but it's true. I've had a few

First piercing: NOPE

First best friend: Jonas. We stopped talking soon after starting high school but he was in a car crash recently and almost died, and we've started talking a bit again

First sport you joined: Soccer. Never sported again

First vacation: Not sure.. earliest I remember is a trip not too far away to a vacation house with the extended family.

First pair of sneakers: Idfk.. I never cared about shoes. Just let them be plain and comfy

Eating: Right now? Nothing

Drinking: I was drinking water a minute ago

I’m about to: sleeeeeeeeeeep

Listening to: The menu theme from Before the Storm

Want kids: Ye!!! I've never seen myself doing anything other than adopting tho, even though I'm not dedicated to that idea.

Get married: YE. The idea of being proposed to???????? (Hand slamming button meme)

Career: Um

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: Eyes. I love them lips but EYESSSS

Hugs or kisses: BITCH DONT DO THIS TO ME. I CAN HAVE BOTH!!!!!!

Shorter or taller: I wanna be the short one!!!!!! PLEASEEEEE

Older or younger: I don't care! (Lowkey lying)

Romantic or spontaneous: Why.. why not both.. These don't conflict..

Sensitive or loud: Sensitive I guess?

Hook up or relationship: BINCH I WANT DEM FEELS NOT JUST FUCKS

Troublemaker or hesitant: What.

HAVE YOU EVER:

Kissed a stranger: Nope. Only kissed 1 person ever

Drank hard liquor: Never even drank once

Lost glasses/contacts: don't have either

Sex on first date: Only really had like two dates, and she was no sex before marriage (which I totally respect and honestly I wasn't ready anyways)

Broken someone’s heart: Quite possibly.. I seem to cause a lot of negative emotions for the people around me..

Been arrested: Lol. I'm a goodie two shoes, a law abiding citizen,

Turned someone down: Ye. We're still in contact, I'm hoping they're doing well and I didn't let them down.. they deserve happiness!

Fallen for a friend: Nope

DO YOU BELIEVE:

In yourself: No I'm a myth

Love at first sight: While I believe in attraction at first sight, and that may lead to true love, there's no way to instantly know for sure they're your soulmate. But don't ignore that instinct, our hearts are smarter than us in these things.

Heaven: No. I've never believed in anything required blind faith, but honestly, I have so much respect for those that do. That's a lot of strength to believe despite the struggle

Santa Claus: I certainly believe some nut changed their legal name to Santa for shits and giggles.

Yay!!! All done and it only took me ~40 mins when I should be ASLEEP. I'm egg. But it's my birthday, I can do what I want!! Happy 20th to me c:

I tag a reasonable amount of people, not 25: @wastedhearts @raggedymancomegetme @richard-vs-marty @the-pretty-kitten @sheikahstone @dipper-the-destructor @feathersandstripes @gayerthanthefourthofjuly @crabbieapple @brokenheartsbleedtheblues @notyouraveragebl0g @moonlit-battlefield @starrchild @runekitten @mbesham @cocoa-n-donuts

Don't do this if you don't want to!! And if you do but weren't tagged feel free!!! c:

5 notes · View notes

broke-ass-twat · 7 years

Note

Can I have all the numbers for all the things?

First of all, I’d like to say that you are dead to me and that I hope thy end is with the end of the universe. I hope that you ] watch as all of creation fades from being and all of your friends and family are dead and gone so long beforehand that their existence means nothing to something as eternal as you. All is empty and nothing matters. Slowly, as everything collapses, you welcome the release of not existing at all only to learn that you are all that is.

On to the questions! I’m somewhat tipsy so this should be interesting

1.First kiss?

I suppose the first kiss I had was on a dare so some random dude I don’t give a shit about. Actual first kiss would be with my first partner and it was rather nice as we had just started dating that day and they asked if we could kiss then immediately after that we made out. I’ve gotten sorta better at it since then but I guess being taught that is just sort of how I kiss now. A lot of fun that was.

2. First time masturbating?

I think my first time was in about 5th grade. Details here are unneeded but were milf-y in nature.

3. First sex toy?

Never had a sex toy. Hands work well enough

4. First kink tried?

Ummm. I don’t think I’ve tried anything particularly kinky although I have been sort of dom or sub at points.

5. First time doing oral?

With my first partner. When I was like 18 or something. Good experience all around. Still sort of curious about their thoughts on it though I can’t imagine it was mind-blowing.

6. First time having sex?

Same as above

Turn Ons

1. Biggest turn on?

The person being into what I’m doing. So basically validation that I’m good at what I’m doing but genuine and not just to appease me.

2. Biggest turn off?

Opposite of the above. Also probably a lack of effort on their part. I don’t wanna do everything.

3. Quickest way to get horny?

…..

Surprise me in a good way

4. Weirdest thing that ever turned you on?

Watercolor paintings that were just really well done

5. Top 3 places to be touched?

Umm. This is like tmi even for me. I’ll leave it out at just make out with me really nicely. Passionately but not urgently. Nice and slowly.

6. Ultimate fantasy?

Don’t have one in mind.

7. Do you like the idea of a three or moresome?

Not particularly. If I were intoxicated I’d be more open to the idea

8. Do you send nudes? Do you like receiving them?

I do send nudes and I really like receiving them especially if I’m not expecting it.

Preferences

1. Sex or masturbation?

Sex by far. Up until recently i’d say masturbation but the feel of comfy sex and the dynamic of another person is so much more fun. At times I’d say about even however. It depends. Sex is preferable however.

2. Spit or swallow?

I have like no opinion on this as I do neither.

3. Cut or uncut dicks?

Aesthetically cut

4. Rough or sensual sex?

Sensual. Its much more fun when sex is occasionally rough. But normally I prefer sensual.

5. Oldest person you’d sleep with?

About a year older than me. I thought it’d meant oldest person I’d slept with but I’d probably sleep with someone up to like a decade older than me.

6. Loud or quiet partners?

I do like loud but quiet is fine as well. I just like to know when I’m doing something right.

7. How much foreplay do you like?

A decent amount but not a huge amount. I dunno. It depends on the partner.

8. How much teasing do you like?

I’m rather impatient so I don’t per se like too much teasing but in doses it can be nice.

9. What is too big for you to take?

I don’t take anything sooooo… 0 inches? Experimentation would probably have a prerequisite amount of alcohol.

10. Do you do hookups or only sleep with a partner?

I can hook up with a partner although I’d say that’s more rare than standard

11. How much kissing do you like during sex?

Honestly a hard question. I really really like intimacy but that can be sacrificed if something feels really good or is really hot. So it depends on the situation.

12. What’s the most attractive part of the body?

That’s highly variable but I’d tend to say the face.

Location

1. Favourite place to have sex?

In a bed.

2. Would you have sex in public?

Yah probably. Already have.

3. Last place you had sex?

In a bed

4. Where would you most like to have sex?

Still in a bed. I suppose a really nice rooftop would be a lot of fun.

5. Do you like spontaneous sex, or do you need to be in the mood?

Spontaneous sex is really fun sex. It doesn’t take too much to get me in the mood

6. Could you go through with a hookup at a strangers house?

Yah I probably could. I mean if I’m having sex with them chances are I have a rather good opinion of the person and know them to some extent. I think I’d have to be pretty drunk to just sleep with someone out of nowhere.

I just fucking stopped caring about formatting and might fix it later.

Kinks

What’s your biggest kink?

I don’t really have specific kinks. More like I have vague ideas of them and don’t care enough or feel comfortable enough to say them.

What’s your limit?

I don’t like pain that much

Are you okay with name calling in bed?

Name calling is alright I guess?

Would you do any BDSM?

Yah. I can do some light domination or be a sub but with just domination not pain.

Do you prefer to tie somebody up or be tied up?

Either. i don’t think I have a preference

Favourite type of bondage?

Don’t have one

Do you like orgasm denial/forced orgasm?

I think I would.

Do you like overstimulation?

Sort of. It’s a little much sometimes.

Do you like having pain involved?

Do you like biting/being bitten?

Lightly

Have you ever been made to/made somebody beg for it?

I’ve sort of made someone beg for it and that was a lot of fun. I think its fun in doses but if it was regular it might make it less interesting

Do you have any strange or extreme kinks?

No I don't

Have any roleplaying preferences?

Nope

Send a kink with this number. Do you have that kink?

What? Also I really have to say tumblr has some incredibly shit formatting and it really bothers the fuck out of me.

Masturbation

Do you own sex toys? How many?

No.

Favourite Sex Toy?

Don’t have one

What do you masturbate to?

Porn.

How often do you masturbate?

Probably at least once a day

How often do you use sex toys to masturbate?

I dont

Do you masturbate with penetration?

Do you go for multiple rounds or settle at one or no orgasms?

When i’m having sex I can go for up to 3 rounds. Masturbation generally ends at one. with a protocolary session.

Oral

Do you enjoy giving oral?

Sort of.

Do you prefer giving or receiving oral?

I think I like receiving more.

What makes you orgasm the fastest when receiving oral?

I have never orgasmed from oral

Do you have a preferred technique for giving oral?

Licking out the ABCs has worked pretty well. I like also licking out circles or just aggressively up and down. Thats sort of the extent of my oral tbh. i do have some variation

Can you deep throat?

I don’t think so

For people with dicks…

How long and how thick is it?

Above average length and thickness. About 6 inches and magnums work better cuz of a lil above average thickness

Do you do anal? Top or bottom?

I do not.

Are you circumcised?

yes

Do you like your balls being played with?

Lightly yeah

Do you enjoy prostate stimulation? Ever came from it?

Have not had it done

Where do you like to finish?

Inside if I can honestly. Otherwise just outside.

Sex

Favourite position?

Missionary or cowgirl.

How often do you do unprotected sex?

Like most of the time at this point

How loud are you in bed?

Not very

Do you enjoy having nipples played with?

Yeah

Do you like/dislike/love/hate cum?

I mean its always mine so pretty indifferent

How good are you at dirty talk?

Mediocre if I had to guess

Do you get sleepy after an orgasm?

Sometimes

Other

Do you like wearing/seeing people in lingerie?

Yes

Do you masturbate or have sex with clothes on?

Occasionally

What’s your favourite style of underwear?

Lacey

Are stockings/thigh highs a turn on?

Yes

Ever had somebody say no to a kink you suggested trying?

Nope

Do you trim, shave or leave pubic hair untouched? How do you prefer partners?

I trim. I prefer partners trimmed or shaved

How many orgasms can you have in a day?

Like 4 or so within a short period

How many other people know your dick/bra size?

Like 3 or so I’d say

What do you wear to bed?

Just underwear or nothing. Occasionally pajamas

Do you eat ass? Do you like having your ass eaten?

i’d eat ass and have never had my ass eaten

Try to describe how orgasm feels for you.

A little tingly and my mind goes a little blank for a bit.

Have you ever been to a strip club? How was it? If not, would you?

I have not and I would although I’m unsure how much I would enjoy it

Fun questions!

Do you name your genitalia?

What would be your stripper name?

I would never be a stripper

Any funny sex stories?

Not really

What food if any would you use during sex?

Whupped cream or honey

Would you give somebody a sex toy as a gift?

Yes

What’s the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen?

Umm. Probably extreme anal insertion

Do you often get horny in public?

No not really

Ever used something that isn’t made for sex in the bedroom?

I don’t believe I have

Have you ever walked in on somebody or been walked in on?

Nope

Do you have any friends you’d sleep with?

Probably all of the ones that are female that I have. Unless i find them unattractive which I don’t think has happened yet

Some real creepy shit, get your fix.

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

I would certainly hope my girlfriend meant it

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

Yes considering that I’m only 20. I’d obviously have to find them mature enough

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

With an essay that a teacher graded where I didn’t like the grade but agreed with the commentary and was happy about it. The grade made sense with the commentary although I wanted more.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Rarely

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I suppose frustrated or aggravated probably.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Nothing at the current moment

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

I am wearing a grey Tulane sweatshirt, navy hanes boxers, and black speckled sort of shorts with gold zipper pockets

8. How often do you listen to music?

Fucking often

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Jeans for sure

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

This post must be dated as fuck

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

More antisocial just out of mild social anxiety

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

I have not

13. What about ‘R’?

Also have not

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

I straight up can’t drive

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

I’m sort of vain so yeah

16. Are you going out of town soon?

In about a week

17. When was the last time you cried?

I think its been a week or two

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Yes

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

Probably not but green or a stormy color would be cool

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

Nah not really

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

Well i’ve technically started this day tipsy sooooo… Not the healthiest way to start a day

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

It would really depend on the guy

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

Nope

24. What are you sitting on right now?

A fucking chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Yes

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yeah

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Um. My room mate

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Not particularly

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

I’m not wearing a shirt. I’m wearing a sweatshirt and thats from my university’s website

30. Does anyone hate you?

Probably but I also don’t care about them

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

I thankfully do not.

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

Not really honestly. With other people more so

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

None of them

35. Did you have a dream last night?

Probably

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Yesterday

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Perhaps

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I know someone has feelings for me and I know of at least two other people that did

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Maybe my room mate but probably not

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

I think so

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

Why yes I was

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

Yes

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Probably

44. What’s the best part about school?

The people

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

I have very few but I do.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Annoyingly often

48. Were you single over the last summer?

Nope

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

Sort of

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

An essay

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

52. Are you nice to everyone?

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

I think so

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Definitely wtf

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Pretty decent

56. Do you think you like someone?

I know I do

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

I have

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls. I just find them more attractive and easier to talk to in general

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Yeah

60. Do you hate anyone?

Yes

61. How’s your heart?

Physically and emotionally fine I think

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

Probably

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

As a result of a guy but not over one

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Don’t know don’t care really

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

Most certainly not

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

Depends on what and how often I’d say

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

Thankfully not

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

My stepfather

70. How do you look right now?

Probably fine

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

I think so

72. Can you commit to one person?

Yes

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yes

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

No. I have felt sort of used or abandoned though

75. Did you wake up cranky?

I certainly have

76. Are you a jealous person?

Not particularly

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

Definitely

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Yeah

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Yeah

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Write a pretty lengthy essay

81. Last person you cried in front of?

My roommate’s girlfriend

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Probably

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

Yes

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

We’d prolly be cuddling

85. Are you over your past?

No I don’t believe I am although I hope I can eventually be

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

Hell yeah

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

No I thik not but it’s a possibility

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

No as we both have different things we’re doing right now and different focuses and obligations

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

Yes

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

I don’t think so

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

Probably

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Yes

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

I was not

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

Yes

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

They’re cute

97. Who do you have texts from?

A bunch of people

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Have fun with that. I’d be pretty fucking sad though

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

Myself

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

I don’t believe so

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

Yes

#me #mine

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chloe-elizabeth-price · 7 years

Note

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 16 17 18 20 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 37 38 40 41 42 43 and 44

Wow, almost all of them, huh, @annoyinglyuniquebread? I’ll put it under a read-more as to not hit everyone with walls of text but read if ya feel like it…Okay, here we go!

0. Height

I’m 5′1 just like Carrie Fisher/Princess Leia!

1. Age

I’m 21, but my birthday is in February so pretty soon I’ll be feelin’ 22! *Dances horrendously*

2. Shoe Size

I’m a 5 in US sizes I think…?

3. Do you smoke?

I do not

4. Do you drink?

Well yes, it’s important to stay hydrated kids, my drink of choice is coke or tea…But I assume this is asking if I drink alcohol which I do not do

5. Do you take drugs?

Once again I assume this is referring to illegal drugs and not meds, I do not do any of those. However I do take antidepressants and sleeping pills for my anxiety-related insomnia/the occasional anxiety-suppressor.

6. Age you get mistaken for?

As I’m pretty short and thin (+ you tend to look smaller in a wheelchair which i occasionally use) I’d say people tend to assume I’m a lot younger than I am. If asked my age most people tend to guess around 15, or at least they did when I was in my late teens, no one has guessed my age in a while so maybe i look older these days? idk lol

7. Have tattoos?

I do have a tiny lightening bolt on my wrist, it’s a Harry Potter reference/a symbol for my general love of stories.

8: Want any tattoos?

I do definitely want more tattoos in the future, I haven’t really decided on placements yet but I know that I want a Buffy-B (a B in the Btvs-font) on my other wrist so that my two fandom tattoos can match in placements. I also want a fox somewhere and “fearless” in Taylor Swift’s handwriting to remind me of her brilliant definition of the word: (”To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.”) which I think will help with my anxiety. Those are a few of the tattoos I know that I want to get at some point, but there’s always room for more options since I really like the idea of a lot of tattoos!

9: Got any piercings?

Nope, not even pierced ears

10: Want any piercings?

Not really, no

11: Best friend?

@gay-grandma

12: Relationship status?

Single, sapphic and sad

13: Biggest turn ons?

As far as personality and little things go I’d say people who listen and respect my opinions and my view of a situation, but also aren’t afraid to say what they think/voice their opinions I guess. Also like, when people are genuine with their affection and you can tell that they just genuinely care for you I guess? Geez this sounds cheesy! As for physically, I’m gonna say collarbones…Is that weird? I feel like that’s weird…Not necessarily seeing collar bones (malnutrition isn’t sexy, kids!) but just like biting or kissing them I don’t even know! Maybe I have a few kinks too, but this is already officially TMI and I’m gonna stop………..

14: Biggest turn offs?

Bigoted or small-minded people honestly, nope not gonna interact!

16: I’ll love you if…

You respect me, seduce me with your nerdiness and/or let me introduce you to nerdy stuff (Movies/shows/books/games etc) I like and most importantly, genuinely seem to like me tbh, I don’t ask for much…

17: Someone you miss

I live pretty far away from my family for school so I find myself almost constantly missing them and my dog :( Also you and your stupidly pretty face, @annoyinglyuniquebread I can’t believe it’s gonna be so long until I get to see you!

18: Most traumatic experience?

Probably something emotionally abusive at the hands of my biological dad or his wife but honestly I’ve repressed most of it and I don’t really wanna talk about that sooooo………*shudders* Anywayyyy

20: What I hate most about myself?

Too many things to list to be honest. I’m not trying to sound negative, but I do have a lot of issues when it comes to how I view myself, but I am working on them and am hoping to be getting to a place where I can honestly say that I don’t think I suck in the near future, wish me luck!

22: What I want to be when I get older?

Author! I wanna write, write write! If ONE kid picks up a book I’ve written and it helps them in any way at all or sparks that love of stories in them that has become my own driving force, then my goal in life has been achieved!

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

Okay, so I have 4 siblings, two older sisters and two younger brothers. My relationship to my sisters are pretty much your standard sibling-situation, we grew up together and occasionally we wanted to murder each other, but most of the time we got along and now as adults we’re all pretty close even though I live far away. My brothers are a more complicated situation, due to my nonexistent relationship with my biological father I haven’t actually seen my little bros in years, I hope that we’ll be able to have some type of relationship one day, but as long as they live with dad I don’t see that as possible, although I love them and would love to be a proper big sib to them someday!

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

My mom is absolutely one of the most important people in my life, I love spending time with her and she’s the one I go to first if any problem, big or small arises in my life, we’ve always been extremely close and she’s quite simply my best friend. My step-dad (who I tend to refer to as dad most of the time) has been in my life since I was 4 and he’s more of a father to me than my biological dad (who i don’t even view as my ‘dad’ at all) ever was or could ever be. I love him with all my heart, he’s the best and one of the funniest people I know! I’d say generally I’m very, very close to both of my parents and they’re both extremely important to me and here I am getting sappy at 2AM.

25: My idea of a perfect date

Movie/Show marathon and cuddling with snacks tbh

26: My biggest pet peeves

When the cover/general appearance of a book on my shelf doesn’t match what the rest of the books in that series look like…All my books have to match if they’re part of the same series or I freak the fuck out honestly! That’s really the only pet peeve I can think of at the moment.

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

I kinda really like @annoyinglyuniquebread but don’t tell her, it’d just get to her pretty head and she’d probably tease me about it and I’m shy!

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

Wow, has someone told the oversized cheeto running America that he has a giant dead cat on his head yet orrrrr…?

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend?

I can’t think of a specific situation in which I’ve done this just now, but chances are if you’re my friend I’ve probably lied to you and told you I was sick so I wouldn’t have to hang out with you that day, it’s not that I don’t WANNA hang out, I love you I promise…it’s just my very awkward introverted ass not being sure how to tell you that I need to reschedule because my social battery is drained and that I am going to physically explode if I have to be around humans for the next few days, without sounding like a hermit and/or hurting your feelings soooo…Yeah, sorry about that!

30: What I hate the most about work/school?

That it ruins the fun of learning with all those deadlines and gives me performance anxiety about stuff I’d normally be good at/comfortable with doing…

31: What my last text message says?

“Night, I love you

32: What words upset me the most?

Any type of uninformed, ignorant hate speech, when someone is being bigoted in my presence it always makes me feel like I want to scream and/or cry

33: What words make me feel the best about myself?

When people compliment my hair, clothes or writing it really makes my day every time without fail! Also when people use my chosen name and pronoun it makes me feel like I could take on the whole world on my own and win, so thank you SO much to everyone in my life who make an effort to do that every day!!

34: What I find attractive in women?

Um, everything about them, i mean have you SEEN girls??? I love being a lesbian; ladies, you’re all so beautiful I wanna squeal just thinking about it!

35: What I find attractive in men?

Them being Harrison Ford. If you are male, but not Mr. Ford I’m sorry but I’m simply not attracted to you at all and won’t date you. Sorry men, I don’t make the rules. However, if you’re reading this, Harrison from ca 1980 (why would you be?) hit me up!

37: One of my insecurities?

Too many to list again, but like I said, I am working on that!

38: My childhood career choice

Author, not much has changed, huh? I’ve actually known what I want to be since I was like 5.

40: Who I wish I could be?

A happier, more secure version of myself…Or you know Han Solo/Veronica Mars/Kim Possible, that works too!

41: Where I want to be right now?

Right at this moment I’m pretty happy here under the covers in my big comfy bed listening to Taylor Swift with my laptop in my lap and answering all these questions. Even though I’m having a pretty bad case of insomnia I feel pretty content, a little hungry tho…Think I’m gonna go make noodles and finish Stranger Things when I’m done answering these!

42: The last thing I ate

Some salted caramel chocolate a while ago, it was delicious!

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately?

Well I’d be cheating on my wife if I didn’t say Sarah Michelle Gellar, wouldn’t I? Although there are a few other candidates as well…

44: A random fact about anything

Did you guys know that @annoyinglyuniquebread aka Bella is really cute and awesome and great at holding hands? Well, if you didn’t there’s a random fact for ya!

Wow, that sure was a lot of questions, but it was fun to answer them all! Thanks for sending them, Bella

#thanks for the ask!

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littledragonlily · 7 years

Text

TMI: Oversharing

((Trigger warning: mentions of self harm, r@pe, abuse, drugs, alcohol, suicide, body dysmorphia, mental illness, ...um, a lot, actually, so please please think about this before reading ahead. My life's a mess tbh. Will put an * (or many, if bad bad) by the numbers of anything with potentially bad triggers just in case..)) Credit to one of my mutuals, after reading their oversharing post, I felt like writing my own might actually be cathartic for me, so thank you mutual (no name callout because they may not be comfortable with that). 1. I actually have zero idea about who I am when I'm on my own. I've felt this way for years and only recently has it been recognized/taken seriously. 2. My father and three siblings are all on the autism spectrum in varying degrees. The question hangs if I am too, I show similar signs, but I don't care enough to find out. 3. I cycle through obsessive behaviors. Collecting things, couponing, certain games; luckily it has never landed on an unhealthy addiction so far, but it scares me that it might. 4*. I have been self destructive for 7+ years. (For clarification, I'm 21 going on 22 currently.) My arm is white lines and long story short, I cannot wear shorts above my knees anytime soon, or anything less than a one-piece bathing suit to cover my torso. 5*. My arms are healed because I was relentlessly picked on by an abusive ex and my own father when I wore it on my sleeves, so to speak.. I hide it now. My dad still doesn't know I started doing it again and I plan on keeping it that way. 6****. Callout to my ex I mentioned above. Because of him, I get ptsd episodes if I'm under the water even a second too long, forbid I'm being held down even playfully. He took whatever he wanted, including my current peace of mind in relationships. I've been trying to escape the damage he caused for 5 years. 7****. Callout to friends/another ex I trusted that would not take no for an answer, especially the one that took me as I cried for him to stop. 8*. By all normative standards, I'm wickedly smart. I had the military branches beating down my door from my perfect aptitude test scores (no studying, mind you, I wing tests), and if not for mental issues stealing my motivation to try, I could've been in my top ten graduating from high school easily. However..no one wants to take a damaged "genius" so..yeah. 9. I have so so so many ideas of what I want to do with my life, but I'm viciously afraid of stepping foot outside of my not-so-comfy-but-good-enough bubble. 10*. I am professionally diagnosed with major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, and dependent personality disorder. That list may grow when I actually trust the psychiatrist enough to tell them Everything™. 11. If I don't push myself to hang out with my friends/favorite people, and it has to be because THEY want ME, I will quite literally spend all day in my bed during my time off. Even finding the motivation to clean my room and pay my bills (spoiler, I usually don't) is just..improbable. 12*. I have two, count them one-two, people that are even close to knowing Everything™ about me. (Unfortunate spoiler: they've both done things that they sometimes use against each other to make me question my faith in them.) I love them both, which causes me immense guilt because they both want to keep me Forever™ (also know to me as until they get tired of my..Me-ness.) and right now I'm just wondering how long of Forever™ I'll actually be alive for. 13. Speaking of immense guilt, hi, it's because I've hurt mentioned people both more than they admit to. I didn't mean to I'm sorry I really didn't just I just how do you not depend on someone that you were engaged to but also how do you not depend on someone that actually gets you and is your carer and you actually get along with everyone in their system and ahhhh fjdjfhdjrbd I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.. 14. Sorry, sorry.. I'm back. Kinda? Anyway.. I feel like a split person, kinda. I have different aspects of myself that handle different things and I have names for them, but I would NOT call myself a system at this point, I would just say I am compartmentalizing and personifying certain aspects of my personality. It just feels easier, yeah? I try to stick to the ones people love best (Mama(carer)-me, Lily(regressed)-me, and Belle(work)-me). My carer is the only person "acquainted" with all of Me™ by name. 15. I only always get along with one person in my house, which is my little sister, Hannah. She has a degenerative disorder and has her own special way of communicating. But as far as I can tell, I'm one of her favorite people, and that makes me super happy actually. 16. So I got derailed on number 13 because that's such a touchy subject. Mostly because I'm forced to choose between the two of them because of societal norms/their feelings/some other reasons here, and in my head and heart I'm so dependent on them both it hurts. (Lately, however, I've been more dependent on my carer.) 17****. Possible reasons I shouldn't be dependent on ex-fiancé person: Has hit me in a "black-out rage" previously (isolated, non-recurring, however I have my days of questioning would I trigger that again..), can be incredibly argumentative if my word choice is incorrect expressing my issues (bad to the point it has triggered me to self-harm), and has forced my indecisive self into making a decision in the midst of a six-hour crying/panicked episode. Also can be neglectful as a person to depend on at times, a little more self-centered than he realizes most of the time, etc. 18****. Possible reasons I shouldn't be dependent on my carer person: Lack of respect towards a previous relationship with ex-fiancé ((as in..well.. some unloyal behavior happened while I was drunk/high/sometimes sober and it actually makes me sick that I let that happen.. I disrespected my own relationship oh god I'm horrible I never wanted to be that person I didn't mean to I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..)(okay, okay, calmed down..)), one of his alters is notoriously angry/violent however has recently been more gentle with me after some talks about the fact that anger/arguments/violence/yelling trigger my anxiety badly (I'm a sensitive marshmallow puff y'all, sorry..), I WILL NOT HOLD HIS PAST AGAINST HIM but it sometimes gets in my head a little so I try to talk it out when it does, he does have a bit of dependence on Mary Jane (think green, not a lady) but I don't mind this so much because it's better than alcohol (I helped with that! I helped! Yay!), and there are some times when he doesn't word things well and it'll get to me but I don't see this being intentional honestly. 19*. My past trauma makes me hypersexual, and sometimes I'm incredibly disgusted with myself for being that way. Thankfully though, my regressed self is "too small" for those things and my carer does not fetishize my regressed self, so thankful for that. It is that that caused my initial confusion because I didn't understand that some communities were fetish.. ugh.. 20****. In the past year I have cycled through drinking, smoking, and pills as a short-term "dependence" (I put that in quotes because I feel as if it had been serious I would not have been able to step away so easily). Each one I have quit (drinking is social, and never anywhere near as heavy as it used to be). I occasionally smoke Mary Jane now as it is more effective than my Prozac I'm currently prescribed (will get changed soon, I hope). 21. Physically I have some liver/kidney damage (my fault), scalp psoriasis, chronic acid reflux, chronic pain (fibromyalgia), anemia, cold and hot sensitivity, spleen damage (I'm Epstein-Barr sensitive, aka unfortunately susceptible to mono), and something I don't have a name for that makes me get incredibly weak if I don't have a steady intake of sugar during the day.. (any ideas?) 22. I have a SEVERE phobia of vomit. I can handle the word, stories are iffy, but seeing/smelling/hearing it will trigger a panic attack and when i do it (which is thankfully only once every few years so far) it is incredibly painful and I will NOT eat for days. I will be absolutely food repulsed. I doubt anyone would post anything visual, but if you do and you're reading this, PLEASE I'm begging you, post a warning for me. I'll be eternally thankful. 23. Something lighthearted for once: I will not see a superhero/comic book/Nerdy™ movie that I can't go see without my dad. It's just super important to me. 24****. I hate my appearance while simultaneously being incredibly vain about it (do I make sense? No? Ok). I have dysmorphia, because I swear by a few things (I'm always too big, my skin is always bad, etc etc.) If it were not for my conditions (phobia of vomit, not being able to function without sugar), I'd most likely have an eating disorder. Instead I am in a state of limbo where I hate my body but I won't do anything negative to impact my body image. (Yay?) 25. You now know more about me than most people I know in real life, including my parents and family. Sorry it's so much, thanks for sticking around.

#tw self harm #tw depressive #tw body dysmorphia #tw abuse #tw rape #tw suicude #trigger warning #so this is probably way tmi #helped a little tho tbh #Tinana speaks

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major-artery · 8 years

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Today is Rheumatoid Disease / Rheumatoid Arthritis Awareness Day. You are in for a long read; feel free to skim through, read the entire thing, or skip it entirely. There are times it may be “TMI”, but I feel it’s all a necessary part of my journey. <3

I’m sure everyone knows at this point, but I have this “invisible” disease. I have been officially diagnosed for a few years at this point, but tested borderline for JRA when I was young – I believe I’ve been suffering with it silently for most of my teenage and adult life.

When you get sick, you go to the doctor; you’ll get some antibiotics, maybe a cough syrup. They’ll tell you take it easy, and in a few days you’ll be better. You will never hear those words as someone with RD/RA – or most invisible illnesses, for that matter.

At my first Rheumatologist appointment, I didn’t know this. I had come to see the Rheumatologist after a hospital visit; I’d had debilitating pain in my knees and ankles – they were so swollen I couldn’t move and the throbbing was agonizing. As I sat in the office, my doctor assessed me the best she could – asked me all the personal questions, gave me a physical, squeezed my joints, and checked my blood.

There was no immediate diagnosis. She didn’t want to assume the worst until there was nothing left. I was sent for more blood work, x-rays, and thrown on prednisone. We discussed the possibility of other medications that may be needed down the line – their positives and their negatives. It mostly went in one ear and out the other side. All I kept thinking was that it would be over soon.

While I was on the prednisone I felt like I could bench a tank, but it also made my sick to my stomach. My next visit to my doctor did not go as I planned. Far from it, actually… I felt I had made progress, but my blood work showed degradation. There was more inflammation in my blood than before – even though the prednisone felt like it was helping, I was getting worse. By this point I had been tested for many different things, all coming back negative.

The official diagnosis came – I had Rheumatoid Disease. I had done some research on it, and through work I had learned a lot about it and the different types of drugs that are on the market. Everything I had ever heard didn’t matter though because now I was the one wearing those shoes.

My Rheumatologist asked me if my husband and I were planning to have kids. “One day, I’d like to, sure.” The whole reason why she was asking was because she was going to put me on Methotrexate (MTX.) It’s a drug that is used in the treatment of patients going through chemotherapy – it takes your immune system from “hero to zero.” What I learned was the real truth about RD/RA – that your immune system has gone “haywire” and it views your joints (and at times other parts of your body as well) as an infection, something that needed to be illuminated. This is what causes the swelling and painful joints.

All of a sudden, in the span of ten minutes, I could no longer have children (unless I came off my medications for at least six months, would mean I would be in pain,) I could no longer go to hospitals to visit sick friends and family without it being a detriment to my health (or be around anyone sick for that matter), that a common cold could actually land me in the hospital. Hand sanitizer, religious hand washing, and birth control were absolute musts.

--Medication Rant Here--

Bi-weekly visits to the Rheum began with repeated blood-checking. The small dose of MTX was not working efficiently. I was bump from 4 pills a week to 6, then from 6 to 8 (a “maximum” dosage.) More visits, more unfortunate news. My doctor started me on a combination therapy of MTX and an injectable medication – Humira.

A few months passed, things seemed to be working well with Humira. My poor husband – as much as I was suffering, I put the pressure on him. I found that when it came time to give myself the injections I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to press the plunger on the auto-injector. (As an aside –the auto-injectors look like really thick pens. You push the trigger button on top, and it plunges the needle into your skin and automatically administers the entire dosage.) The loud click scared me, and the pain of the medication being administered so quickly by the syringe scared me even more. Like clockwork when it came time for the next dose, I’d go into a full meltdown and anxiety attack. I found myself literally biting onto pillows, crying my eyes out, and begging him to not do it. It sometimes took hours for him to talk me down.

Through the months, almost a year, I was taken off of MTX and left on Humira. Blood work throughout these passing months showed there was no real improvement. My prescription ran out for it and my Rheum wanted to move me onto a different biologic / DMARD (disease-modifying anti-rheumatic drug). She wanted to move me onto Enbrel. I had heard nothing but positive things about Enbrel, and was excited to begin the treatment.

My doctor’s office called me while I was at work – my insurance would not cover the Enbrel, and I had to come in to discuss other treatment options. I was heartbroken; the idea of being on another auto-injected medication scared me, but the idea of finally having peace overtook it.

The next time I saw my rheumatologist, we discussed something a new drug I hadn’t heard of but had been on the market for a long time. I was beginning to feel like a lab rat. I started Cimzia soon after – which was different than the auto-injectors I had been used. This was a manual plunge-syringe.

I actually took a liking to the Cimzia. I gained a lot of confidence in giving myself the two doses – because I could control how I “stabbed” myself with the needle, I could control how fast I pushed the plunger down.

But like the Humira, the Cimzia worked for a short amount of time then became ineffective. I was switched to Xeljanz – a twice a day pill instead of a bi-weekly injection. I’ve found that I’ve become more “tired”, lethargic even on this medication. It helps keep the swelling and the pain away for the most part. We’ll see where it goes in the next few months.

--End Medication Rant--

I was so angry with the world when I got my diagnosis. I was angry that some people didn’t seem to understand what I was going through was serious. “Oh, at least it’s only Rheumatoid Arthritis.” “You can’t have that – you’re not old…” I exhausted so much time and my precious energy being upset at things that were out of my control. Suddenly everyone was an expert in my illness, everyone know what could “cure” me – miracles.

When someone asks me how I’m feeling, I have to go through an internal monologue of “Do you actually want to know how I’m feeling? Do you want me to put that burden on you?”

I go through periods of guilt when I feel helpless; it makes me upset and makes me feel lazy when I ask my husband to grab me something from the fridge, to cook and clean up afterward, or sometimes (which hasn’t happened in a long time) to cut up my food for me. There are times where just putting on pants is a challenge and I have to ask someone to do the button for me. It’s embarrassing, and it’s heartbreaking.

I recently wrote a letter to myself – and I think a lot of people with invisible illnesses can relate.

“Dear Jessi,

It’s not the end of the world, I promise. I need you to take a deep breath, and really read what I’m about to write to you. Wipe your tears – wipe them off on your sleeves if you can’t reach the tissues, maybe even a pillow. Get comfy, because shit is about to get real.

This isn’t your fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this; your body was basically on a self-destruct timer with no wires to cut to stop it. You did not do anything to deserve this. People have crosses to bear – this is yours.

There will be people in your life who won’t understand what you’re going through. You can try to educate them, but sometimes you have to just turn the other cheek. You will make plans, and just as quickly you will cancel them. It is out of your control. Stop being embarrassed. Ask for help. Let people think whatever they want to think, and fuck’em if they don’t want to be compassionate.

They’ll still see you as the loveable weirdo, a little ditzy at times, maybe a klutz who obsesses way too much about RPGs. None of that changes because of your RA.

I mean what I’m about to say in the most positive way possible: you will -never- be cured. I’m going to be blunt about it because no one else will be. But you’ll persevere – you’re a boss-ass bitch. Your pain will be managed for most of the time. I’m not saying it won’t get bad, because it will. And you’re allowed to cry.

You are not the person you were a few years ago. You have all these rules to live by, and you’ll be worried that you won’t be able to go through with plans. There will be tools to help you, even if it’s a wheelchair.

IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. Do NOT let anyone tell you otherwise. There will be days where you will roll over to turn off your alarm and you can’t. Don’t panic – take the time you need to get mobility back in your joints. When you’re out, use your handicap placard. You’re suffering. Do not let the dirty looks or comments sway you.

Appreciate your husband a little more every single day. He’s there for you – even if he’s pestering you about your medication, when your next doctor appointment is, or where that bruise came from (followed shortly by poking it.) You may not be able to keep up at times, and he will always change his pace for you.

Have you used all of your spoons today? I think you did; you probably over-extended yourself, and you’ll regret it tomorrow. But are you happy now? Then it was worth it.

Most importantly – at heart, you’re still you, even if your body is weird as fuck. You are not your illness. You are not any less of a person.

I love you. You should love you, too.”

So, this is me. Today I do my best to educate people on what I live with. Welcome to my world. Please, ask me questions, I may not have an answer, but I may have an experience. I’m a member of the #cureArthritis squad – and my goal is to spread information about my disease.

Thank you for taking the time to read; please consider making a donation toward RD/RA Research. It is one of the least funded research topics in the United States.

https://www.curearthritis.org/sponsor-specific-research/

#rheumatoid disease #rheumatoid arthritis #ra #invisible illness #ra warrior #autoimmune disease

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