#our salad has no spinach or anything like that but it's ok

[possuminnit]

if we're making salad i'd like to add in - 🧅

LETS GO !!!

[somebodycall911onabc]

More post 4x13, Maddie-centric, a little Madney, a little Buddie. I just want her to be happy. Warning for a lot of emotions in this one, folks.

Maddie is elbow deep in soapy water when her phone starts ringing. She tells Hildy to answer (being a parent has definitely taught her the wonders of technology, unlike Eddie) while she shuts off the tap and reaches for the dish towel.

“Hello?” She asks, seeing Chimney’s name scrawled across the screen. It’s been two hours since he last called—not concerning, but a deviation from the usual.

“Maddie. Are you OK? How’s Jee?”

A bad call, maybe. He could’ve lost someone.

“We’re good,” Maddie says, stealing herself. She hates to lie to him, but she’s being honest in the way he means. They’re not hurting in any way he can fix.

He breathes out a whistling breath over the phone. “Good. Good. Thank God.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No. No, I mean. I’m fine. But… Jesus…” He mutters something too low for her to hear. “It’s Eddie. He’s in the hospital — alive — but, but he got… he was shot, clean through the shoulder. Some psycho opened fire on the LAPD.”

Maddie’s heart drops to her stomach, where it stays for another hour until Chimney walks through their door. She’s holding Jee-Yun, who’s wailing like her little lungs are about to give out, but she and Chimney find each other like magnetic poles. She steps into his arms and wishes that the whole world could just drop away. Just her, and Chimney, and their daughter. That would be enough.

“It’s all over the news,” Maddie says. Jee-Yun seems to have been stunned into silence by the unexpected arrival of her dad.

“Athena says they’ve got some of the best people in the department on it,” Chimney says. “They’re gonna catch him.”

“They’d better.”

“Yeah well, otherwise, they’re going to have Amateur Detective Buck on their hands again.”

Jee-Yun starts hiccuping, picking up where she left off, and Chimney steps back to lift her out of Maddie’s arms. She lets go without a fight. She’s so tired of fighting.

“Don’t even joke about that. I’m sure he’s losing his mind—he hasn’t answered any of my calls or messages.”

Chimney attempts a smile. Or maybe all along he’d been going for that twisted grimace. “Bobby’s corralling him, don’t worry. Your brother isn’t going to do anything stupid.”

“Like drag Athena into an active investigation to chase down the man who stabbed you and kidnapped me?”

“Yeah,” Chimney says. “Exactly like that.”

Maddie turns her head to look out the window. She knows what he’s going to say in answer to her question, and she can’t bring herself to look at him when he does. “So what are you all going to do? What happens when someone targets the entire Las Angeles Fire Department?”

“Our jobs,” he says, and Maddie closes her eyes. “We have to, Maddie. We called in C-shift today, but we go back tomorrow.”

“OK,” Maddie hears herself say. What else can she do? How can she tell him that she’s afraid they’ve avoided tragedy one too many times, that she can see them all running to the end of a line, nothing but a long fall below them?

She feels like someone froze half of her in ice, then told the other half to run for her life. She feels fathoms deep in very dark water, but someone is screaming in her ear to swim up, up, up.

When Chimney pulls on the bullet-proof vest, Maddie doesn’t say anything. The human throat wasn’t made for the drawn-out scream inside her head.

Maddie doesn’t visit Eddie while he’s at the hospital. Between Jee-Yun and her own shifts at work, there isn’t time. She feels a little bad about that, but despite their small social circle, she and Eddie haven’t gotten that close over the years. Buck takes up all the air and space when he’s around, a wildfire that she and Eddie chase around and keep from burning up the furniture. But Maddie feels like she should have been there while Eddie was confined to a hospital bed, watching his friends risk the same fate as him when they pulled on their uniforms—she feels a sort of kinship with him. With that helplessness.

So she shows up at his door a week later with Jee-Yun and dinner.

Buck lets her in, which has ceased to be surprising as a general rule, but seems a little suspicious in these circumstances. She hasn’t heard anyone mention Ana’s name since the shooting.

“Jee-Jee!” Buck shouts, whisking Jee-Yun from Maddie’s arms.

“Oh, hi, how are you,” she mutters, watching Buck as he kisses Jee-Yun’s nose and grins. He looks like he needs a long shower and an even longer nap. But Jee-Yun giggles at him as he makes faces and smacks his lips. It’s sweet. It only hurts a little, seeing how good Buck is with her, when sometimes Maddie still thinks of him as that little kid she stitched up every time the world knocked him down. It only hurts a little that for Maddie, getting Jee-Yun to smile is like pulling out her own teeth with rusty pliers (i.e., really goddamn difficult).

“Hey, Maddie,” Eddie says, reaching the door. He nudges Buck aside to make room for Maddie to come in. “It’s good to see you.”

Maddie looks at his cast, at the way Eddie hunches in on himself and the blue-black bruises beneath his eyes from exhaustion and blunt-force head trauma, and feels so goddamn guilty. She should have come sooner. She should have tried harder.

“Hey,” she replies, wiggling the takeout bag, “I come with nourishment.”

“By all means,” Eddie says, sweeping his hand out to the hallway. Maddie leads the way to the kitchen, Eddie slumping behind her, Buck cooing at Jee-Yun and somehow managing not to walk into a wall.

“I figured something light and healthy would be best,” Maddie says, dropping the bag on the counter.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much doctor’s orders,” Eddie agrees. He peeks inside the canvas tote and pulls out a container, opening it up to reveal a big, green salad. “Oh, you shouldn’t have.”

“It was no problem—“ Maddie starts, but she realizes Eddie is wrinkling his nose in disgust, not gratitude. “Oh, shut up and eat your veggies. There’s chicken in it,” she adds with a laugh.

“Where?” Eddie snorts, eyeing the salad like it might come to life and strangle him with leafy hands.

“Chris! Guess who’s here!” Buck, who hasn’t heard a word of their conversation, barrels into the living room where Chris is sitting on the floor with a host of action figures.

“Don’t—don’t let her put anything in her mouth!” Maddie calls after him.

Eddie chuckles and takes a seat at the table. “How’s it going with her? With Chimney?”

“Us?” Maddie keeps her eye on the living room situation while she sits down across from Eddie. “We’re fine. How are you? Buck seems to be living in your back pocket lately.”

“Yeah, he’s been…” Eddie trails off, and Maddie glances over to see him looking at the living room. She turns her eyes back to see Buck sitting cross-legged on the floor, cradling Jee-Yun while showing Chris her tiny fingers. The first time he held Jee-Yun, Buck had lost his mind over her fingernails. They’re so small, he’d said reverently. How could anything be so small?

“I wouldn’t be here without him,” Eddie finishes. “I think I’m going to ask him to move in.” The way he says it isn’t a joke, isn’t something light-hearted about being down an arm or how Buck is free labor. He sounds contemplative. Wondrous.

“Oh,” Maddie says. “But what about… I mean, won’t that be kind of weird for Ana?”

“Buck didn’t tell you?” Eddie asks, turning back to face her and fishing a fork out of the bag. “Ana broke up with me.”

“Oh, my god.”

“I know. But it wasn’t like what happened with Chimney. Ana had the guts to say it to my face.”

“Jesus, Eddie, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was the right call. I’m not upset, actually.” Eddie pokes around the container until he finds a piece of chicken, throwing Maddie a smile as he picks it up. “It was the easiest breakup I’ve ever had.”

“Well, that’s… good.” Maddie pulls the bag toward her and lifts out her own salad. She’d gotten Chris chicken fingers and fries, but Eddie doesn’t have to know that. Not until he finishes his grown-up, post-ballistic-surgery food. “Then should I ask what your intentions are towards my brother?”

Eddie chokes on his lettuce. She flashes him a smile while he struggles to swallow. “He is a strapping young man,” she adds. “Very… able-bodied.”

“You’re evil,” Eddie says, laughing.

“No, just observant,” she counters. “Every time I called Buck this week, he was either with you or Chris.”

“I keep telling you people that Buck’s suspension wasn’t my fault. I was unconscious when it happened.”

“All I’m saying is, my brother wouldn’t risk losing his job for just anyone.”

“You think so?” Eddie asks, smiling down at the table.

Maddie takes a delicate bite of spinach and pomegranate seed. “My brother spent a long time running, Eddie. I always thought he was just running away, but he was running toward something. The 118 is his family. But you and Chris are special. He would bleed himself dry if it meant keeping the two of you safe.”

Eddie’s fork is paused halfway to his mouth.

“Don’t take advantage of that,” Maddie says. “If you can’t say the same for him, you need to let him go. I’ve seen him hurt too many times, Eddie.” And she doesn’t mean just Abby—she means their parents. She watched Buck drag himself through hell for a love he shouldn’t have had to fight for. She means herself, too, because she knows that the years he spent thinking she’d chosen Doug over him had cut him deeper than she had any chance of healing. Even now that he knows the truth, there’s a scar.

“You’re a good sister.” Eddie lowers his fork and meets her eyes. “I wasn’t really expecting the shovel talk a week after getting shot, but I promise you that I feel the same.”

“Well, good,” she says. Then, “Oh god, I really did corner you while you’re—I apologize. That was thoughtless and rude of me.”

Eddie just laughs. “Please, Shannon was a wreck the whole first year. She actually forgot my birthday.”

“Oh, Chimney would never let that happen,” Maddie says, feeling a genuine, soft smile cross her face. This is the first time in a week she hasn’t felt the weight of the entire world on her shoulders. It’s an unexpected, but welcome, break. “He starts dropping hints at least three months in advance.”

“I wasn’t really around to remind her,” Eddie says. “That’s my biggest regret, really. Not being around more when Chris was little.”

Ah, there’s the familiar, soul-crushing weight of the world again. It was a nice minute, while it lasted. “It must have been hard to be away from him. I can’t even imagine…” Maddie swallows, but her food tastes sour, acrid. She can imagine. She has. She’s fantasized. About walking out the door. About not coming back.

“That’s the thing,” Eddie says, “it kind of... I mean, I missed him, and I missed Shannon. And now? I would rather get shot a thousand times than leave Chris. But at the time, it was easy. Ridiculously, insanely easy.”

Maddie watches as Eddie runs his hand through his hair, a twisted smile taking over his face. “What kind of fucking father chooses a war zone over his own wife and kid, you know? I kept telling myself it was for them, it was for us. But really I was just scared. I was terrified of it, of being a husband, a father. I didn’t know how to be those things.”

There’s something unfolding inside Maddie’s chest. An old hurt, an old fear, unraveling for her to finally grasp at its edges and see the bloody, wretched mess. “I don’t either,” she admits. She hasn’t said that to anyone. Not Buck, not Athena, not Josh. Certainly not her parents. Because that thing inside her, that little girl curled in on herself to hide away her broken heart—her parents had a lot to do with it. “I’m so scared. All the time. She’s tiny, and perfect, and I’m… I’m not good enough.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Eddie says.

“No,” Maddie says. “I’m going to ruin her, Eddie. I’m a horrible mother. I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t do this.”

“Whoah, whoah.” Eddie reaches his hand across the table to grip hers, tight. Maddie raises her other hand to her face to wipe her eyes. “You’re doing great, Maddie. You’re really good with her.”

“No, I’m not. Not really. I mean, Buck is more of a natural at this than I am.” He’s in the living room, letting Jee-Yun chew on the collar of his shirt, while Chris is talking and gesturing wildly with his hands. Buck looks happy. He looks rapt, focused. All in.

“I don’t think anyone’s naturally a good parent. I think it’s supposed to be hard. That’s how you know you’re doing it right.”

“I just don’t want to hurt her,” Maddie says, watching Buck, watching Jee-Yun, watching Chris. This beautiful tableau of a family that she wants so desperately to be part of.

“That’s normal. That fear is… hell, Maddie. That’s parenthood.”

“How do you deal with it? How do you walk around with that, knowing… knowing any moment, you might fail?”

Eddie tightens his hold on her hand, pulls on it slightly to bring her focus back around to him. “I’m going to tell you something I told Buck a long time ago,” he says. “You’re going to make mistakes. It’s not like there’s some test you can study for and get the perfect kid at the end. What matters is that you love them enough to keep trying.”

Maddie remembers Buck, what feels like a lifetime ago, staring down their parents. Love me anyway, he’d said. “It’s that simple?” She asks, feeling hollow. Feeling like she failed before she even crossed the starting line.

“Of course not,” Eddie says. “It’s hard work, loving someone. But you’re not in it alone, either. You’ve got all of us.”

He’s right. Maybe she can put a little bit of the load down, once in a while. Maybe she doesn’t have to be crushed by all that weight.

“I’m sorry,” she says, cracking a smile, “all we’re doing is talking about me.”

“Trust me, it’s a relief,” Eddie says, smiling back. “All anyone wants me to do is talk about how I’m feeling. I’m sick of talking about myself.”

“It’s nice to know you’re not the only one with problems?”

“Yeah. Exactly that.”

They share a raw, honest smile, and Maddie does feel a little bit lighter. “I’ll be sure to come back for more sage advice,” she says, pulling her hand away.

“Next time, bring pizza,” Eddie says. It makes Maddie laugh.

When she gets home, she puts Jee-Yun to bed and looks at her. Just takes in that fragile nose, the impossibly delicate eyelids, her perfect, untidy mouth. She thinks about how she’s been scared her whole life—of upsetting her parents, of hurting Buck, of losing Doug, of leaving Doug, of finding love.

But all those fears, they brought her here. So maybe this is just another journey, and maybe it’s OK to be scared.

When Chimney gets home the next morning, he crawls into bed with Maddie and Jee-Yun. Their daughter had started fussing at three in the morning, and now they were both exhausted. But Maddie holds on tight, holds Jee-Yun close, and when Chimney wraps his arms around them and drops a kiss into her hair, Maddie hears him say, "my two best girls. How did I get so lucky?"

And she thinks, this. This can be enough.

[alittlefrenchtree]

Since you seem not to mind sharing more favourite quotes from CMBYN, I'd love to hear one more. Especially as I had underlined your last one in my copy as well. Plus: favourite Marzia outfit? (This was an attempt to balance the foodblogging with your original content. But since every ask seems to have to feature something food - related, let me tell you that I just bought fresh spinach, cream and eggs and plan to turn it into a spinach quiche tonight!)

Hi!! Firstly let me say thank you so much for this ask filled with so much things I love to talk about. Feels like it’s already my birthday (without the getting older part) 😍😍

I’m going to try to find a quote that is not overly famous so it’ll be a little bit more fun to (re)discover. Brb! (and by right back, I mean when I’ll have lost myself half an hour in the book).

..hi again! So I’ve flipped through Ghost spots only and I’ve picked two (bravo me) quotes. The first one is purely esthetics and for the style... Actually, I just checked the original version, and its less pretty than the french translation 😒Here it is:

“...I lived in the dark so as not to be blinded when darkness came.”

"...je vivais dans l’obscurité pour ne pas être aveugle quand la nuit viendrait” (in an absolute literal translation, I think it would be closer to something like “i lived in the darkness as not to be blind when the night came.” but i like the sound better in french for this one).

As pretentious as it sounds, I always thought that Aciman’s style (or the mix of his style and the style of the french translator) is kind of close to my style in French (obviously not my English, since I’m an illiterate in this one :D). Obviously, he and the translator are way better than I am (yet 😁😆) but in substance, our writing natures feel close. This is also a reason why cmbyn has become my favorite book ever. There’s so much in there that sounds like something I have written, I could have write, or I wish I’d written and the familiarity to somehow find my own voice in the pages is delicious. And that first quote feels a lot like that for me.

My real answer to the quote question is this one :

“I wanted to ask him how he knew. But then how could he not have known? How could anyone not have known?”

It might be a naive/too optimistic/too idealistic way to see life, but i like to believe that, on rare occasions, when something is simply incredibly pure and genuine and beautiful, such as what Elio and Oliver had has (😭), there that magical moment when everybody knows. There is no doubts. And I like how Elio is expressing it here. He’s been trying to hide it all summer to realize at the end of it that he and they couldn’t hide anything to anyone. It was like trying to hide light with a net.

Ok, focus. Marzia. Outfit.

First honest answer is that summer is definitely not my favorite season for clothes, let alone for “””women””” clothes, let alone in the 80s. I was about to choose something I didn’t really like when this little gem appeared :

and this is one I could 100% wear.

I love that several people have made the effort to add something food related to their questions 😍 I love spinach!! I eat them more often raw (in salads!) than cooked, but I love them either way. I hope you enjoyed your quiche already, I’m sure it was yummy!!

And thank you for stopping by to chat with me 😘

(for those who were wondering, this is how i end up writing 7K words e-mails to people..... 😅)

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 10

~*~Sebastian~*~

 I parked next to Emma, grabbed the food, and followed her into the condo. The door opened directly into the family room. There were wood floors with a large patina gray and blue area rug. She had one of those couches with a chaise on one end. There was an oversized chair with an ottoman in the same dark gray. Tables sat at either end of the couch. Natural light flooded the room from a window on one wall and French doors on the other. A TV hung in the corner of the front door and window wall with a fireplace between the TV and windows. Pillows in a blue to match the rug and a dark berry were tossed on the chair and in the corner under the TV were a stack of three big floor cushions. My guess was they were for sitting in front of the fire. The room felt comfortable. I wanted to jump onto the chaise and hug one of the berry pillows.

I followed Emma's lead and kicked my shoes off in the entry. I don't wear shoes in my place either. New York streets are disgusting. I don't want that shit tracked through my home.

 She headed left to the kitchen. It was an open floor plan with a breakfast bar separating the two rooms. Grey fabric bar stools tied the areas together. Lower cabinets where black, uppers white, Carrara marble counter tops, and black appliances. There was another window over the farmhouse sink.

 "Wow. I love your kitchen." 

She smiled at me over her shoulder, "Thank you." 

I almost lost the ability to breathe. Her shy smile dropped my heart to my knees. She looked so beautiful with her hair messed up from where she'd pulled it out of the ponytail. Seeing her against the backdrop of her house... breath taking. 

I put our food on the bar, "Can I use your bathroom?" 

"Of course." She pointed to a door in the far corner of the kitchen. "Ignore the clothes." 

I closed the door behind me. Laundry room and bathroom. Convenient. There was a pile of folded clothes on a long counter across from the washer and dryer. 

When I came out, she had lunch set out. I sat on the stool next to her and put the roll I'd grabbed for her in the top of her take out container, "For you." 

"Thank you." 

I jumped in where we left off at Whole Foods. "It's really thoughtful how you use people's names."

 "I think everyone likes to hear their name and most people don't even look at the person checking them out or bringing their food." She looked over from her salad, "It may sound naive, but I hope that small nicety makes their day better."

"Wouldn't be surprised if it did. I don't think it’s naive. It's nice. Lots of people don't think to do the nice thing. Those small acts of kindness can change the world for someone." 

"Our brains involuntarily respond to the sound of our own names, even if we're unable to respond to or act on anything else." She smirked, "Can you ignore it when someone yells your name?" 

I'd just shoved a forkful of salad in my mouth. I chewed and shook my head. "Nope." I pointed my fork at my ear. "I wear earbuds a lot." I cringed, "Don't take that the wrong way. When I'm at an event or on a stage and people are screaming my name it's... fantastic and humbling. I'd be crushed if they stopped. But when I'm going about my day it's easier. I know people who can ignore hearing their name, but I can't. So, if I hear my name I look over and usually it’s taken as an ok to come over and talk." I cringed again. "It is. I like talking to fans. I love hearing stories. Most people aren't rude." My shoulders slumped, "Sometimes I just want to get to the subway and go to my friend's place." I shrugged and tilted my head, looking at her, "Earbuds." 

She nodded, "I get it. Those guys at the restaurant weren't rude and didn't stay too long." 

"I don't like when someone interrupts when I'm eating. They waited and, like you said, didn't stay too long." 

She looked curious, "What if they had?" 

"The hostess recognized me, so management knew we were there. Usually, if someone stays too long or lots of people start coming over, management will clear them away. If they hadn't, I would have gotten us out of there." 

She laughed, "Do you always know an exit route?" 

"Not even close." I laughed too, "I'm good at winging it." 

She ran her hand down my bicep, "If I made you uncomfortable, l'm sorry." 

I'd done a lot of cringing in the last few minutes. "Nothing to be sorry about. I'd rather you ask." Pretty sure I was looking uncomfortable again. "I don't want you to think I don't realize how blessed I am." 

Emma stopped me with another touch on my arm, "Not at all, Sebastian. Privacy shouldn't be the price you pay for doing what you love." 

This would also be a perfect time for a kiss. However, one of us had a mouthful of blue cheese and spinach. 

It wasn't me.

 We laughed and talked about the gym while finishing eating. There was a lot to laugh about from the yoga class. The woman who kept shushing us scared me. It was a good thing Emma got us out of there. She didn't believe me and laughed. When she laughs, she gets the cutest dimple in her cheek. Just one. Left cheek.

 Emma closed the lid on what was left of her salad, "You were right. The roll was delicious." 

"I would never lie about bread." I was finished too and closed the lid.

 Emma stuffed the containers back in the bag then into a garbage can under the sink. She came back around the breakfast bar, "I'll get you towels and show you where everything is."

 I grabbed my bag and followed her up the stairs. The bathroom was the first door on the right. Emma opened the second door, pulled out a set of towels and a washcloth, and handed them to me. "Thank you."

 "No problem." She pointed to the third door. "That's the guest room. You can use it if you want. I'll meet you back downstairs."

 I nodded and walked into the bathroom. When I pulled my phone out of my shorts, I noticed the blinking light. My mom texted asking what time I'd be home and when I was leaving tomorrow. Fuck. I was taking the train back to the city tomorrow morning. I leaned on the counter and looked at myself in the mirror. I watched myself start to smile. I rolled my eyes. I wasn't taking a train anywhere in the morning.

 Naturally, I over thought this in the shower. There were tradeoffs to be made. I felt guilty blowing off helping my parents to go to a festival with Emma. If I stayed through tomorrow it would negate skipping out today. I could leave Monday morning. But that was the holiday. Schools are closed. Wonder if Emma has plans? I had plans Monday, but nothing I couldn't skip out on.

 I realize I've only known her twenty-four hours and I'm making decisions based on the rest of the day going well. I don't know why it wouldn't. This has been good and fun. Who the hell knows where it will go, but there's a little voice telling me not to go home yet.

 I beat her downstairs and sent a few texts updating my plans while stretched out on the chaise. The remote was on the table next to me. I hit the power button and brought up something like Netflix, but wasn't.

 I heard Emma come down the stairs and looked over, "Hey, what's this Plex thing?"

 She sat down on the other end of the couch. Too far away. "You look really good in that color, Seb."

 I looked down to see what I'd put on. Dark red t-shirt. "Thanks."

 Emma smiled and nodded to the TV, "My father digitized his entire movie and TV series collection. Plex organizes everything. It's like your own personal Netflix."

 I'd been poking around for a little while, "This is cool. How does it group things into collections?"

 "We do it. I can sign into the server and add things to favorites or fuck around with Amy's."

 I clicked on Fave-Emma. "You like a lot of reality TV."

 Emma laughed, "That’s Amy messing with me. I hate reality TV. It's like the worst parts of people sensationalized for the masses. I don't like watching people be horrible to each other. I don't like people being put in prescribed situations and rewarded for being nasty."

 It was cute how worked up she was. I must have smiled.

 "What?"

 I raised my shoulders, "No Survivor or Keeping up with the Kardashian's for you."

 She understood I was teasing, "Or Big Brother or American MasterChef. Australian MasterChef is good. I like Great British Bake off and The Repair Shop. Polite British reality TV."

 "What about movies?"

 Her demeanor changed to wide eyed excitement. "Oh, they're completely different. They're not real people being horrible. It's scripted. I love in movies what I hate in reality TV. One of my favorite movies is 'Closer' and it's," she shook her head and cringed, "harsh."

 I startled, "With Natalie Portman?"

 She nodded, "Love it. It's one of the most honest movies I've ever seen."

 I sat up, threw my head back, and put my hand up, pretending to be exasperated. "Honest? Everyone in that movie was a big fat liar." Her smile let me know she recognized the quote from the movie.

 "Everyone is incredibly unlikable, but Larry didn't lie."

 I raised my eyebrows.

 She stuck her tongue out a little and pointed at me, "He was a horrible person, but not a liar. He was so hurt when Anna cheated."

 I leaned forward, "No, no, no. That scene was horrifying."

 "Yes, but it was real in how people can destroy each other. The whole interchange where he wanted to know all the details. Where they were, what they did. He even asked what the other guy's cum tasted like." She fell back onto the couch. “In a movie full of lies that was the most honest thing I've ever seen." 

I leaned back, mirroring her. Partly because I wanted to pounce on her. The back and forth had been fun with both of us fervently involved in the conversation. Then she used the words “what his cum tasted like” and my brain short circuited a little. I laced my fingers on my chest and thought. I turned my head to look at her, "You're right. I remember sitting in the theater with my mouth hanging open. I thought it was the language, because it was almost obscene. Only now... I wonder if it was because it was a brutally unsanitized version of a break up."

 She smiled and shrugged one shoulder, "Made you think."

 "It's the teacher in you."

"Occupational hazard."

Important question. "Are first grade teachers allowed to say the word cum?"

She drew her eyebrows down with a look of disgust, "Not in front of the children."

 I laughed so loud I startled myself.

Emma shook her head, stood up, and held out her hand to me, "Let's go play, Sebastian."

 I took her hand, letting her pull me up. I put up enough resistance for her to drag me out the door. As soon as I closed the vehicle door behind her, I realized I'd missed the perfect moment. When she pulled me off the couch, I should have pulled her back, taken her in my arms, and kissed her.

I fucking missed it. Again.

 We pulled out and Emma told me which way to go. “One of my favorites is similar. Husbands and Wives. It’s funny and tragic. It’s real too. You'd probably like it. Godfather. Lots of classics for the acting and film making. I loved Boogie Nights.  Life of a male porn star. I enjoyed seeing how the porn industry worked."

"Tempted?" Mischief was in those green eyes.

 "Porn and acting aren't always so very different. Scum bags in both."  I wanted to hear more from her. "What do you love besides fucking cavemen?" Another quote from Closer.

 "Um, Sliding Doors. Princess Bride. I like trilogies. Lord of the Rings is the best thing ever. The extended cuts. Dad is a huge Tolkien fan. He read us the Hobbit when we were little. We couldn't focus on reading the Fellowship, but the movies worked. Loved The Force Awakens.”

I could tell by what she didn’t say she wasn't in love with number two, "Opinion on Last Jedi?"

 "Hated everything about Canto Bight. They made Poe both stupid and sexist." She growled, "Fucked up script."

 I nodded. I was biting my tongue. I wasn’t a stranger to fucked up scripts. I wanted to ask. She would tell the truth, which was good, but I didn't know the way she'd go. Next stoplight I looked over, "Dare I ask?"

 She laughed, "Don't care for the Hulk. Like Spiderman and Ant Man only in ensemble movies, not the solo films. Love Tony's genius and arrogance. I almost peed my pants because of fat Thor. Love Wanda and Nat. Love everyone in Guardians except Peter Quill and not just because he could have stopped Thanos. I thought I just didn't like Pratt because I didn’t like him in 10 Years and Parks and Rec, but loved Jurassic World. So its Peter. I can watch baby Groot dance all day. Did I miss anybody?" Her eyebrows were pulled down with the question she was facetiously asking.

I went with it. "Falcon. Hawkeye, Vision." Left out a couple of major players. The one’s I really wanted an opinion on. I put the ball back in her court.

"Snarky fun, steady, a bit over bearing." I just nodded and we were quiet. A few seconds passed before she put her hand on my arm, "I can't keep this up. Seems mean."

"A little teasing never hurt me."

 She smiled and went on. "At the beginning Steve and Bucky were all boy. They ragged on each other and I didn't really care for either. I know they were best friends, but I didn’t like how they interacted. Bucky was cocky and dismissive of Steve. Steve was annoying in his earnestness. I liked how the characters grew. Beautiful bad boy, who’s not really bad. I like broken characters. Bucky is definitely broken. Was broken. We'll see."

 I was good with her take on Bucky and Steve. I don’t completely disagree. "I hear there are plans for Bucky."

"You would know."

I nodded, "You thought Bucky was beautiful?" I said this with a straight face and looked at the road.

"Wanna know a secret?" 

I guessed she didn't want to answer, "Sure."

"Bucky is much hotter than Steve."

"I think I'm glad to hear that." Yeah, more than good with her opinion.

 Parking was a bitch. The positive about parking so fucking far away is I got to walk a couple of blocks down the street holding my date's hand. It's amazing how sometimes the simplest things make me happiest. Right now, I'm pretty damn happy.

[peaches-of-1]

Day 10 | On Tip Toes

Black!Reader x Dad!Namjoon

An excited dark tan little human woke up to their own inner clock and looks around. Mama or Dad must’ve brought them in here after they fell asleep on the couch. Either way, the young girl knew what day it was and excitedly climbed down the pipe like ladder.

She had wanted them painted like the candles in the Kwanzaa display on the special table, but Mama had never gotten to it. Mama was a busy woman and--

Wait, what’s this? There was a camera in the corner of the room. Ah, them again. It was Christmas Day, so of course the aunties and uncles came to visit and set up the cameras while they slept. Sparkling white teeth showed off to the camera and a small hand waved before the roundest face in the world turned to see its only match.

She quickly used her tiny feet to walk towards a face similar to her’s and kneel on the step before the doorway beneath the dark gray sign that read “SANTA’S WORKSHOP” in English and tapped a shirt covered in candy patterns.

“별자리, Byeol-iiiii. Wake up! Our grown up friends are here.” She notified her twin sister just like any good sibling would. “And it’s Christmas.”

Hazel eyes suddenly sprung open, “Is it really Christmas?” 

A stern nod before adorable yawns left 초승달’s mouth and soon two 3 year old bodies were fully awake to make a heart for the cameras like they usually did when are red carpets with their parents. Then they changed the date on their “color by day” calendar and began to hop around in their pajamas.

“It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas!” they were just as excitable as their parents for the holidays.

The two girls then opened their sliding door before holding hands and walking to their parents’ room down the hallway, knowing they were asleep but also oh so ready to wake them up to spend the day together.

However, they got distracted by the white lights that had fallen from the hallway as RapMon trotted beside them. The dog sat next to the wall and let the children enact their little plan before they continued on their way.

The uncle in the green tent decorated like a Christmas tree tried not to laugh too loud as he was the only one at the right angle to see this.

Dark skin and hair in a green bonnet was held closely by tan skin with dimpled cheeks that were even more noticeable as husband opened brown eyes when wife got wiggly. A parental Spidey Sense of sorts went off in both adults as she turned to face him.

“What time is it?” I asked in a groggy voice as a farewell to all the sleep I would’ve gotten if it were not for being a mother as well.

“Not yet. Pretend they’re still asleep for a few minutes, ok?” Large and protective hands enveloped slightly smaller ones and rubbed the back of them, the gentle touch almost willing slumber into his spouse’s eyes.

I suppressed a yawn before ignoring the door being opened by two giggling little elves. The door was always unlocked in case of emergency such as an early morning boo boo or a nightmare in the late evening. This was neither, thankfully. Simply two of the cutest little girls on the planet launching themselves onto Mama’s and Papa’s soft embrace.

The usual morning tradition of a four person hug and kisses for everyone ensued. Mom to Byeol, Byeol to Choseungdal, Choseungdal to Dad, and then Dad to mom before it reversed. Cross over and then the kids were excited and bouncing up and down once more.

“Mama, Papa! Mama! Papa! Guess what? Guess what?!” The twins said, jumping on the bed and claiming the hug of a parent for themselves.

“What is it?” Idol and father Kim Namjoon asked.

Byeol spoke up, “It’s Christmas morning! We get to open presents now, right?”

Choseungdal looked from her sister’s face to her father’s, “I really wanna open the big red one!”

I gasped in an overexaggerated way, “A gift before breakfast, isn’t our hug enough?”

“No.” She said, honestly.

“Fair enough.” I replied with a giggle while my husband laughed.

Then he spoke up, “Alright, let’s open a present then, shall we? One before breakfast and then we get all~ cleaned up to eat Mama’s yummy food, ok?”

“Ok!” They replied 

“Wait, Choseungdal.” Byeol said, “We have to show Mama and Papa how we decorated RapMon this time.”

The parents blinked and shared a look. This time? They decorated him again? They literally pulled us into the living room to see the white fluffy dog sparkle with glittering Christmas lights. So that was what you heard in the middle of the night. You had decided to ignore it since you had believed it to be a sound from whatever dream you had been having.

And he was just there smiling like a goofball. Namjoon said that they shouldn’t do stuff like that because it could hurt the dog, and he was too nice to do anything about it. It was a light scolding and more of a teaching moment because no one wanted any sad faces on Christmas. As my husband and I unwrapped RapMon,, Byeol-ie decided to go around and greet all of the aunties and uncles.

They were in Christmas themed tents to help make the young kids more comfortable. The crew of The Return of Superman always came around every once in a while, and it was usually the same ones unless someone was sick or quit or got fired, y’know. Choseungdal had taken a liking to one unnie in particular.

She kissed Camera Unnie on the cheek to greet her while shyly waving to the others. The twins had gained personalities rather quickly according to the family counselor we went to see. Byeoljali...had a more outgoing personality and would often speak up for Choseungdal who was rather non verbal. I had a suspicion that she was like me, and so we were always extra clear in instruction and repeated stuff a lot to make it easier for her to understand.

Byeol was Byeoljali’s nickname. We named her as such since she had light hazel almost amber eyes. Choseungdal was often shortened to Cho-ie.

They were both cheeky sweethearts, though. Both girls enjoyed creative things, so the crafts room sometimes took over the living room. Currently, the girls were not allowed to use rhinestones because it had taken nearly a whole day to get all of them out of RapMon’s fur. The older dog understood that they were only little and they had apologized in the form of treats, so he wasn’t mad.

My two girls sat down after picking out which gift they wanted and I was there with my own camera to take pictures of them opening up their gifts. Luckily, they had similar hobbies, so gifts were easy.

“On three, start ripping them open.” I said. “Ask Dad for help if you need it.”

“Appa!” Cho-ie said. “Help me, please.”

He chuckled and went to sit in between them just in case. I counted to three, and the box opening began. Byeoljali began to open up the gift with raptor like swiftness while Cheoseungdal made sure it was unfolded properly with hardly any rips. Yep, we literally had a moon child. How could we not?

Our love for space and the unknown was mutual, and celestial names were so beautiful.

Cho-ie had gotten a collection of new canvases with a custom easel since the other one was missing a few pieces now. That’s why it was so big: the easel had been set up top of the canvases and already put together.

She hugged her dad and thanked us. Byeol had revealed a new set of paints that included glitter glue too. Maybe it wouldn’t get everywhere if they were in some sort of adhesive already...or it would be harder to get off of furniture. Only time would tell. She sprinted to hug my legs and then did grabby hands for the phone so she could record us.

She didn’t have the best hand-eye coordination or grasp, so I said that our darlings didn’t need to take pictures of us since we already had other adults to do it for us. I just didn’t want another broken phone. Namjoon had gotten us matching chokers that we would surely be wearing out today.

I hugged him and kissed him on his lips, excited to see his expression when he got his gift from me. He opened the bag and gasped, almost in tears as he lifted out the headphones he had been yearning over for the past four months. My husband has said he wouldn’t get them since he didn’t need them and they were too expensive anyways.

He hugged me tightly. Then it was time for coloring the picture of the day while I made breakfast. Namjoon had prepared some stuff last night while I helped get the kids to bed which made cooking much easier. In fact, he had finished making the entire fruit salad and it was wrapped in the fridge.

“Thank you, yeobo! That saves so much time!” I called over to him.

Namjoon just smiled, “It’s my pleasure. I was extra careful too, so no hurt fingers this time.”

I giggled and Christmas music played while I cooked and The Return of Superman got footage for their Holiday Special. My voice sang along as I filled pie crusts with a mix of rice, spinach, and cheese before sticking the first batch into the oven for ~18 minutes. Although he tried very hard, Namjoon-yeobo was still a bit of a hazard in the kitchen. He mixed things very well, though.

Like the vegetables that would become part of our omelettes. I still wasn’t a big fan of omelettes, so I would just be making three for my husband and kids. Also, I knew two of the crew didn’t eat eggs. So a total of five. I glanced over into the living room and saw him handing the girls whatever color they asked for.

Every time he got it wrong, he would say, “I’m sorry, my princess.” and then give them the right one eventually. He soon came over to show me a pictue of our girls in front of their finished mini Christmas tree in their playroom. He took it yesterday and forgot to show me.

It was so cute. All of the eggs were done, so you cut two of them in half as soon as the timer went off for the breakfast pockets. I gave them a quick call to ask if they washed their hands after coloring. The three looked at each other and ran to the bathroom as I set up the plates and washed my own hands.

I looked at the camera people who were in tents, “What are you waiting for? I didn’t make this much food just for the four of us. Use the one in the guest bedroom.”

They were so surprised and decided to take turns to make sure at least two were recording while the others ate. However, they were family at this point and this was a family breakfast. All of them were to sit at the table and enjoy the homemade meal.

I told them that if their boss had a problem, they could bring it up to me directly. I was a child of four, so I knew how to make a lot of food in a short amount of time and still have it taste good. I had even made a few pockets without cheese because a few were lactose intolerant.

Then everyone was ready to dig in. Namjoon made sure that the two elven twinsies thanked me for the meal before eating. It was a very warm breakfast. It was lots of chatter but still quiet and kind. Choseungdal made sure to feed Camera Unnie a few times, getting a thank you in return. Then it was time for me to clean up while my love got the girls cleaned up, getting them to brush their teeth and all that jazz.

The camera people went back into their tents while one stood in the bathroom doorway to record.

Since Joon was an idol, he was usually very busy doing TV shows and making music and all that stuff. So, he got to spend most of the time directly helping the kids on his days off.

Once the dishes were in the dishwasher (the first Christmas gift we bought together) and Cho-ie was in her little Christmas dress, I started on making the cookie dough with the mini sous chef. Both Byeoljali and Cheoseungdal were adamant about bringing cookies to Taehyung’s holiday party. He and his huge family held one every single year, and we always attended.

My apple cake was always a hit, so I was bringing that. However, the kids wanted to do something too. I was glad to have the extra help in making cookies. It was a good distraction while Namjoon got ready first. He’d do their hair and pack up the cookies when it was my turn. The apple cake was a family recipe from this cookbook we’ve had since forever. I was stumped five years ago as to what to make since I had been bringing boozy eggnog the last couple of years before everyone started having kids.

Ever since then, I’d make two cakes just so we would have enough. Namjoon always bought eggnog or vanilla ice cream to go along with it. Every year had a theme, and this time it was pearls. I had found the perfect skirt for it and was able to get two of them. The second one were made into child versions for the young ones if they wanted.

“I’m gonna decorate this one all by myself.” Choseungdal said, grabbing the white makeshift piping bag and adding “snow” to the already frosted Christmas tree.

Byeol was decorating a snowman with edible glitter before Namjoon came in to swap places in the kid duty.

“Why don’t we let Mama finish up the rest of these so she can take a shower?” He said and the kids agreed, getting tired of decorating but not eating as the kitchen smelled of butterscotch and chocolate with a hint of gingerbread.

So, I finished up the rest of the cookies and was able to decorate them after they cooled and surprised them with an extra cookie for them each before heading into the shower to get all dolled up. I loved matching with my family so much! It was something we did often.

Namjoon had put on his black pants with pearls scattered about the legs and green oxfords with pearls in the heels. Pearls also lined his black velvet jacket that went over his green sweater. He put on the more simple looking choker out of the set he had just watched me unwrap meaning I got the bowtie one. He was also wearing his red beanie because he knew how much I loved him in it with a simple pair of gold and pearl drop earrings.

I was in my black skirt that reached just above my ankles with my red sweater tucked into it but outside of the green stockings I slipped on to make walking in my pearl adorned red ankle boots easier. With the pearl and bowtie choker, I put on pearl and chain dangle earrings. I decided to wear a green beret as well.

“Don’t forget this, Mama!” It’s the gift me and Choseungdal got you.

“Oh, really? Thank you~” I said and opened the box, smiling when I saw it was a classic Pandora bracelet.

My hazel eyed girl said, “We helped Dad pick out the charms to go on it.”

Then we turned to our kids and asked them what we did most every day, “Who do you want to dress like, Mommy or Daddy?” which basically was asking if they wanted to dress more masculinely or femininely. I was a girly girl most of the time and Joon-ie was more laid back but still well dressed as most Korean men seemed to be.

Choseungdal pointed to her father while Byeol pointed to me. That was that then. Namjoon helped our little girl into matching pearl pants and jacket with a green knitted sweater underneath while I helped our other little girl into her skirt and stockings with a red sweater that was covered in pom poms that were used to make hearts all about the top. Then we helped put them each into pearl studs that they had worn before.

Namjoon did their hair while I finished up my makeup and we double checked to make sure RapMon was ready to come with. He was by the door waiting for his leash like a good doggo.

“Good boy.” I said and rubbed his head.

The five of us hopped into the car, singing Christmas carols and watching Papa Joon get shy every time a song he sang with the other BTS uncles came on. Sometimes he’ll say which ones he helped to right and we’d talk about that while he two Christmas fairies played make believe in the back seat.

“Hiiii!” I said with two apple cakes in my arms while The two youngest ones held boxes of cookies.

Hugs upon hugs and bows galore occurred while talking overlapped in the forms of greetings and barking. J-Hope’s husband helped me take the cakes to the kitchen while Jin called for the host and his wife.

The children played with their friends while I was handed some sparkling cider by Yoongi, whose facial hair scratched my cheek a little as he hugged me.

“Long time no see.” He said.

“Oh my god! You’re back from America? Since when?” I gasped.

“Two days ago. I wanted to surprise you guys.”

Namjoon chuckled, “Well, it worked. I’m surprised.” and hugged his dear friend tightly.

He had been working on a bunch of stuff in America for the past couple of years and usually sent gifts for the holidays. A young man with raven black hair and pale skin approached both me and Namjoon and bowed.

“It is nice to see you in person, uncle Namjoon and auntie Y/N. Father has told me a lot about you two.” He had to be about 13 and…

I gasped and looked at Yoongi and back to the kid, “You can’t be 시우. The 시우 I know is this tall, and you’re a whole tree.” I put my hand near my hip.

He giggled nearly at eye level with me, “I am 시우.”

“Oh my gosh~” I beamed. “Well, it’s nice to see you again. What have you been up to? How’s school and your hobbies?”

“I got in a bit of trouble recently, but school is going well. I kept skipping one of my classes since the teacher is super ignorant. He is my history teacher and tried to incorrectly explain the Joseon area to me. I always show up for test days, though.”

Namjoon chuckled, “It seems that righteous rebellion doesn’t fall far from the tree.” and took a sip of his own cider.

Siu chuckled, “I have to choose an extra elective to do outside of school if I don’t want to be suspended, but I’m not really a creative guy.” he pulled at his ear like Yoongi did when nervous.

His father spoke up, “Your auntie here is a pretty famous actress.”

“Ah, I wouldn’t say famous.” I replied, my cheeks getting warm.

“Would you suggest I take acting? It is the only one I have seriously been thinking of doing.” Siu looked up at me with his deep blue eyes that he got from his nameless mother.

I had to nod, of course, “Stage acting is a very good skill to have. Although you’re not lacking any confidence, it can help you feel a bit more comfortable in public spaces. Keeps you accountable too. You have to learn your lines or you let the cast down. More importantly, it is a lot of fun.”

He nodded. Namjoon kissed my cheek and said he was going to check on the kids while I continued my conversation with the young teen. I enjoyed telling my theatre stories, but I am sure Joon was tired of hearing them over and over again.

Namjoon walked into a curious scene of nearly 10 children sacrificing his moonchild who was tied up with a jumprope to the side of a bookcase like contraption. He could just stare at the kids in various wigs and holiday clothing reenacting something.

Hoseok entered asking, “Why did it suddenly get so qui--”

Taehyung’s second youngest child came in with a bucket of water which Namjoon scooped out of their hands rather quickly, too in shock to say anything.

“What’s going on?” Hobi asked instead.

“Daaaaddd, we’re reenacting Uncle TaeTae’s TV show.” A darling little kid with blonde pigtails reached for the bucket of water. “We need the water to splash on Choseungdal’s faaaceeee. It’s her punishment for fighting on sacred ground.”

The brown haired father shook his head and Namjoon silently walked back to the bathroom to pour the water out while his hyung told the children to use fake water and their imagination instead of real water and to make sure the jump rope wasn’t too tight.

Not exactly the type of parenting the dirty blonde man was hoping for, but as long as they were safe, it was ok. He then recorded the children’s antics for a while to show Taehyung.

Although, it was another Hwarang member that he saw kissing his wife on the cheek.. Do Jihan and her had won favorite TV Couple nearly every year for the past 10, even that time he played a stalker. So the three knew each other well.

“Jihan-hyung, it is nice to see you again.” Joon slapped his friend’s back, making his wife giggle at the facial reaction.

“Ah, yes. Ouch. I’m doing well.”

Y/N giggled, her teeth like marshmallows on top of hot chocolate and Namjoon wanting to sip every last drop of her. Taehyung lifted her up and spun her around all of a sudden.

“You guys are here! I’m so sorry it took me so long to come see you. I was finishing up something for my daughter.” and then set his friend’s wife down.

She kissed him and his wife on the cheek before they hugged Namjoon. The older man had hopped things wouldn’t be as awkward this year since Tae was married to Joon’s ex girlfriend, but she was an awkward girl. She wasn’t sure if it was ok to hug him or if it was better to bow or just shake hands.

“지현,” I begged, “Please, just hug him or bow. It’s not that deep, fam.”

The three men laughed at how straightforward I was. It was like this every year since Tae got together with Jihyeon, and I was sick of it. I could not care less that she was an ex to my husband.

Jihan put his arm on one of my shoulders, “That is why you are my favorite co-worker.”

I laughed and asked how the kids were doing, not expecting my husband to show me and the others our kids playing “Hwarang” since the youngest ones were now learning how to read and Tae’s children were natural thespians.

“I need to sit down.” I said as soon as it was time to open presents.

The cookies and the cake were hits, and I had my fill of the food that was there. Gifts and friends were amazing. Whatever troubles we had been having throughout the year and were still probably were going on could wait until next year a week from now. Right now, it was time for an outing to the park for the boys’ performance.

It was a medley of all the title tracks they had done throughout the years with the last one being done by the kids that weren’t too grumpy. The boys were idols after all, not even fully disbanding or retiring, just not performing as often as a group.

Jungkook and Jimin with their spouses revealed that they were going to have their first children soon. Jin’s 10 year old asked if she could name the baby, making everyone laugh before it was time to pack everyone up into cars and head to the park.

Namjoon squeezed my hand, “Our kids will be fine. You will do a great job, and I will be there to help you as soon as possible.”

I nodded and he kissed me before going off to perform for his fans. Some older than me and some younger. I was there with the other spouses talking and momentarily checking on the kids who were being watched by the older children. Siu was the second oldest to Jin’s triplets, two girls and one guy who made 14 this year.

When the boys were on stage, it felt like I was 20 again, staying up late nights to watch them on award shows and festivals in the states due to the 15 hour time difference. Sometimes it was like that even when Namjoon and I were dating.

Now I was much older with two of his kids, Cho-ie sleeping on my shoulder and Byeol-ie in my lap. They would wake up soon because this song was their song.

“To my children” Suga and Namjoon said.

“Yeah.”

“To my stars and my moon. To my children.” Namjoon continued.

“Yeah.”

“I hope that I’ll see you soon. Your dad loves you no matter how far away and every time I look up at the sky I know you’re looking at the same one, same sun, same moon, same star, same love. Love you. Be home soon, ya don’t give mom too much trouble.”

He wrote a song years ago that was a B-side that got more popular than the title tracks. By that time, Jin already had his kids. Hobi and his husband had adopted their first child. Yoongi was back in the states for this comeback while 11 year old Siu was being raised by his nanny for a bit since the mom left after stealing several things and dumping the child on him.

서준, 민서, and 윤서 said that the children were ready for the stage and got the point choreo down as good as possible. My little elves woke up and yawned, ready to show off their skills. Both of them had gone after the microphone and the paintbrush on their first birthday, and it was no surprise that fate had decided they would be in the arts.

Choseungdal said in her small voice, “I don’t wanna dance today.”

“It’s ok. Do you still wanna go on stage, though?”

She nodded and held onto me as we brought 13 kids on stage to help close out the holiday concert in the park. Everyone went wild as several of them had on noise cancelling headphones since they couldn’t keep their eyes open so long.

The others danced and sang along with their dads having a grand old time. Byeol-ie ended up being carried by Namjoon while I had Cho-ie in my arms. Looking out at all the faces that loved my husband and their father, I recognized a few who had been with them since the beginning. They had kids too now.

In the car ride back home, our little elves had tinkered themselves out and were fast asleep with RapMon by their feet. I was exhausted as well, knowing the crew of The Return to Superman crew would be back tomorrow for Kwanzaa and the cameras would still be there.

Namjoon took one hand off of the wheel to hold my hand, causing my attention to turn from the hypnotizing city lights that passed by to the comforting fingers rubbing the back of my hand.

“Thank you so much for being the mother to my children. I couldn’t have asked for anyone better.”

I smiled and kissed his hand, making him smile and scrunch his nose, “Merry Christmas, yeobo.”

He giggled, “Merry Christmas, yeobo.”

[abiteofnat]

AN ANXIETY-APPROVED GUIDE TO SOCIALLY-DISTANT  DINING IN THE NORTH SHORE

A headline I truly thought I would never write, because I used to be the type of person to leave work, jam myself into an L train packed with people, scroll through my phone while breathing in someone’s backpack, and then get to a busy restaurant to meet friends and dive into food without washing my hands. My entire immune system was chock-full of city scum, and eating indoors with dozens of other people who likely got off an equally full train? Not even a question of a doubt in my mind. Things took a quick and dire turn in May when suddenly I became afraid of everything and grossed out by anything, and after moving home with family I was certain I would never leave the house again. I miss being the fearless gutter rat I used to be, but times are different, and staying safe is key. 

Alas, while my family has been taking quarantine very seriously, we reached a point in August where we all felt “ok” with sitting at a restaurant once or twice a week to feel like we were still part of society and because we all mutually hate cooking. After not being at a restaurant once since March, we nervously ventured out to a local Italian restaurant, sat outside very far from others, and ate pasta that was still piping hot from the kitchen and that didn’t taste mediocre after sitting in a takeout container for an hour. It was refreshing as FUCK. Rose? In a real wine glass? Served chilled? What am I, a QUEEN? 

Ever since we have been carefully dining, only ever sitting outdoors, and carrying packs upon packs of antibacterial wipes and hand sanitizer like actual loons. But safe loons! Being home and enjoying the local restaurants through new eyes and new level of appreciation has made me love them 10x more, even if we’ve eaten somewhere a hundred times before. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to dine with these spots, eat favorite dishes & try new ones, and be out of the house for 1-2 hours on a Friday during these wild times. So, why not share some of my favorite spots?? Maybe you’re also living back in the good ole North Shore, and looking for any excitement at all in the quiet of the suburbs. Here you go. 

1. Mino’s Italian - Winnetka

This restaurant is newer to Winnetka, however it became an instant local favorite and is always, always full. They have a huge patio area with lighting, cozy wooden benches, tons of tables, heaters, and a menu packed with classic Italian dishes done so right. Their Calamari is unreal due to the seasoning and the roasted garlic aioli it comes with for dipping. Their Cacio e Pepe is magically light but still full of cheese and fresh cracked peppercorns, and the seasonal Risotto consists of warm mushroom richness. Their pizza is great to-go as well, and tastes like an NYC slice if you order the largest size. 

2. Pescadero - Wilmette 

Ok to be fair, Pescadero is not somewhere we’ve actually dined AT during the pandemic. We do pick it up quite often though, and it is some of the best carryout in Wilmette. The Fish & Chips is mouth-watering, with fresh fish covered in a seasoned batter that alone is delectable. Their chips (really more french fries) are thin, crispy, and topped with a parmesan and herb dust. DO NOT MISS OUT ON THE FRIES. The Mahi Mahi tacos are excellent and a lighter, fresher dish with broccoli apple slaw and avocado crema, and for fuck’s sake order a side of the Mac & Cheese just to stick a fork in. Pro Tip: You want as much extra tartar sauce as they will give you!!!

* Edit - since I wrote this post a few days ago, we ate on the Pescadero patio and it was delightful. Even though it was 55 degrees, the hot Clam Chowder and Fish & Chips warmed me up real quick. Clam Chowder served in a hot mug = a new fall dinner staple. Will only accept soup in a mug from now on. And, they do have heaters!

3. Depot Nuevo - Wilmette 

I have eaten here no fewer than 3,456 times in my life and every single time I feel like I’m on vacation because the vibes, the food, and the booze are immaculate. Located in an old train station turned restaurant, Depot Nuevo is warm and inviting no matter if you’re inside (pre pandemic) or on their gigantic patio that allows for spaced out and comfy seating. They’ve added heaters for the fall, so don’t worry about being chilly- and if you are, the Pomegranate Margarita will warm you right up. It’s strong, delicious, and comes in a very pleasing traditional margarita glass. I always order the Appetizer Trio as my entree, which has queso fundido (ordered without the chorizo!), guacamole, and ceviche composed of scallops, shrimp, and calamari with vegetables and lime. Usually this comes with tortilla chips as it’s meant to be shared, but I ask for corn tortillas instead and then pile a little of everything in there for the taco of my DREAMS. Do it. Order it. I dare you. 

The staff is exceptionally friendly and have taken COVID precautions seriously, so menus are disposable and everyone has gloves on. They will treat you like family, and they are family to us because we go there so often. See you on Friday, Depot! 

Other good things on the menu are the Fish Tacos, Shrimp Tacos, BBQ Salmon, Chipotle Mashed Potatoes, Cheese Quesadilla (smothered in their salsa verde of course). 

4. The Noodle - Wilmette

Can you tell downtown Wilmette is the place to be? It has truly popped off and the majority of restaurants aren’t serving up your typical “suburbs” food (you know- fried appetizers and burgers and weird salads and overpriced meat dishes) so I am always happy to be out in our little mini city. The Noodle is as classic Italian as you can get, with overflowing ceramic boats of buttery garlic bread, a salad OR soup included with your entree, and no bar- only wine (or beer) if you want a drinky drink. Incredible. I am partial to the house-made spinach linquine with Roasted Garlic and Sun-dried Tomatoes sauce, and the starter salad with house Creamy Garlic Parmesan dressing. Their Tomato Basil soup is also delicious, however I have some suspicion that that soup is the same as the Roasted Garlic and Sun-dried Tomatoes sauce... just served as soup... they refuse to confirm or deny whenever I ask. Either way, delicious. I tried a NEW DISH when we went last week to sit at one of the 6 large tables they have spaced out outside, and let me tell you that the bowtie pasta (not house-made) with Alfredo sauce is THE SHIT. It may be my new go-to when I just want to carbo-load the hecking out of my night. On your way out, get a Pot de Creme to go- it’s the richest, smoothest chocolate dessert on this side of town. 

5. Hometown Coffee & Juice - Glencoe 

Hometown deserves a round of applause for breathing life back into the stuffy grandmother of the North Shore - Glencoe. Between the gorgeous Writers Theatre and countless boutiques selling blouses and hand-blown glass jewelry, it used to only really serve a certain demographic, however Hometown said “let me give it a try” and changed weekends in Glencoe for good. This coffee shop, smoothie bar, bakery, & cafe hotspot is the perfect afternoon spot to grab a drink, enjoy avocado toast, and sit outside at one of the dozens of tables they’ve lined the corner and two streets with. They’ve moved their registers outside so you don’t even need to go inside to order, and the wait staff will bring you your order right to your table to make it as organized and safe as possible. The tables are spread out, the corner it’s located on is beautiful in the fall, and there are lots of good dogs out and about. 

I will say that while Hometown is doing a great job with COVID precautions, the people of Glencoe are a little high & mighty, and seem to think they’re exempt from wearing a mask to wait in line to get their smoothie. It’s irritating that they’re putting the staff at risk and just ignoring state mandates because they feel safe in their little North Shore bubble and because it’s entirely outside, but come on. Be respectful and understand the privilege of these places even being open to serve you, and just wear mask. I hate people. ANYWAY. Love you, Hometown. 

6. Coast Sushi - Evanston 

Ok, so this gem is not open for dining indoors OR outdoors, however they have their carryout system down and their sushi is so, SO fresh and good. I’ve picked up from here a few times and eat time I fall more in love with the flavors and how consistently tasty it is- and with sushi, it’s always a gamble if it’s going to be really good or kinda fishy and old. The Coast in South Loop was a favorite spot for a while, however it has shut down and I am so happy to be able to get my favorite rolls up in the burbs. My go-to order is a Spicy Tuna Maki, Spicy Scallop Maki, Spicy Miso Soup, a side of Spicy Mayo, and a side of Sushi Rice. This sounds odd, but hear me out- I like to mix the spicy mayo into the sushi rice and eat it just like that. It’s. So. Good. Am I gross? I might be gross. 

Anything you get from here is going to rock your socks off, so for your next night in (aka every night lol) treat yourself to some sushi, babbyyy! 

I sincerely hope that we can keep dining outside for at least a few more weeks, and I am absolutely ok with wearing Uggs and a full-on coat to be able to. Just a reminder to keep your mask on when talking to wait staff, be polite, be patient, and don’t be an asshole. You don’t NEED to dine out- it’s a treat- and you should treat it as such. Don’t be a Karen, or don’t leave your house. Those are literally the only two options.

I hope you try somewhere new, whether it’s carryout or dining out, and tell me if you have any favorite North Shore spots I missed! 

Until next time, Happy Eating!

- Natalie

[hellofashionist]

Tasty Food Recipes That You Can Cook Within Ten Mins

you recognize the information: preparing meals at home is ideal for your health and your wallet. But permit’s face it — you have other priorities taking up space for your time table and minimal unfastened time, so spending hours or maybe minutes within the kitchen isn’t always on the top of your to-do list. So many matters can crowd out meal prep (think: lengthy hours at work, vast others, preserving in touch with circle of relatives, perhaps even a exercising here and there).

24 healthful and portable mason jar food

but before giving in to endless seamless clicking, turning into a ordinary at the chinese language place near the office, or residing off frozen meals, recognize that in the time it takes to look at your favored cat videos on youtube, you could make a nutritious home-cooked meal. Most of these recipes are smooth and healthful — and equipped in 10 minutes, tops. For each meal of the day, along with make-and-take breakfasts and lunches, that is fast food that fitness experts could approve of. Reader survey please take a brief 1-minute survey your answers will assist us enhance our enjoy. You're the satisfactory! Breakfast

1. Peach cobbler oatmeal picture: spoonful of taste neglect flavored oatmeal packets and move au naturel with this oatmeal that’s reminiscent of a cobbler. With sparkling peaches, chopped pecans or your nut of desire, and cinnamon, it's going to fulfill your sweet enamel so nicely that you could find yourself making it for dessert. 2. Easy poached egg and avocado toast

avocado toast is all of the rage, however adding a poached egg takes it to a new level and completes the trifecta of nutrients: protein, fats, and carbs. Parmesan cheese and sparkling herbs sprinkled on pinnacle make it appearance and taste fancy. 3. Oatmeal blueberry yogurt pancakes image: formidable kitchen a stack of selfmade flapjacks doesn’t take that lengthy to make. These are high-protein and free of gluten, however they still flavor incredible and fluffy, way to bananas, oats, vanilla, and of course blueberries. Four. Cheddar-garlic grits with fried eggs

a southern classic, tacky grits don’t need to be a complete fat and calorie bomb. Cook dinner them in water rather than milk and leave out the butter. However keep the cheddar: the 2 tablespoons in keeping with serving here maintains the dish gooey and rich and affords almost 10 percent of your day by day calcium. Then upload eggs for staying electricity, chopped chives for their slightly oniony flavor, and garlic, which makes the whole lot flavor higher. 5. Hot quinoa cereal picture: marin mama chefs terrifi as it's miles, quinoa takes some time to prepare dinner. Even as a few humans have stated it can be nuked, that takes extra than 10 mins in most microwaves. But quinoa flakes, which can be similar to oats however are a complete protein, can be equipped in a flash. Cook them in your selected milk with dried berries, after which top away with nuts, nut butter, seeds, and fresh fruit.

6. Scrambled tofu whilst properly prepared, tofu is something however blah — and this model gives as a great deal protein as a scrambled egg. Toss the vegan staple with tacky nutritional yeast, turmeric, cumin, and paprika (buy smoked for even greater taste). Even egg enthusiasts will enjoy it. 7. Pumpkin pie oatmeal photograph: two healthful kitchens this healthful, autumn-stimulated oatmeal gets its pie-like taste from pumpkin puree, pumpkin pie spice, cinnamon, and vanilla. A sprinkling of dried cranberries provides natural sweetness. Eight. Open-confronted sandwiches with ricotta, arugula, and fried egg photo: john autry

a breakfast sandwich may be a lot more than a smashed viscount st. Albans, egg, and cheese eaten in the back of the wheel. Yes, this one requires a fork and knife, however it’s really worth it. Toasted bread is topped with spicy arugula, an excellent source of vitamin ok, which allows your blood clot. Then add an egg, salty ricotta — it has greater protein than cottage cheese — parmesan, and thyme. It’s a sandwich like no different. Nine. Omelet in a mug photograph: scattered mind of a cunning mother toss your favored breakfast meat (or pass it if you’re vegetarian), salsa, eggs, and cheese in a mug and zap it for 1 minute. Stir, and then prepare dinner for some other 30 to forty five seconds. Season to flavor and pinnacle with greater cheese. Breakfast has by no means been less complicated to make — or to clean up. Lunch

10. Butternut squash ramen bowl with rice noodles, tofu, and clean pea shoots photograph: in pursuit of more a scrumptious dinner for one, this noodle bowl has all the flavors of your fave brief-prepare dinner noodle cups however none of the icky components. Rice noodles offer the majority of this vegetarian-pleasant bowl, which makes use of boxed butternut squash soup as a base for instant cooking. Pea shoots taste like, properly, peas, and are rich in vitamins a and c and folic acid. If you can’t find them, you could use spinach. Eleven. Mediterranean panzanella photograph: the noshery

rather than top a salad with bagged croutons, whip up this tuscan version with toasted pita bread. There’s the usual right-alone-however-higher-together suspects predicted in something called “mediterranean”: tomatoes, cucumbers, feta, and olives. The olives are key since the fat in them assist your body absorb the vitamins inside the greens.

12. Crunchy asian ramen noodle salad picture: gimme some oven this colorful, crunchy salad is simply what the health practitioner ordered when leafy-veggies-based sorts are dull you. Crunchy coleslaw blend and dried ramen noodles (swap in crunchy rice noodles for a less-processed option) are tossed with avocado for wholesome fat, edamame for protein, and mango for imaginative and prescient-protecting beta-carotene. Thirteen. Brief and clean hen burrito

leftover hen finds a new domestic in this short burrito. Blend it with avocado and cheese earlier than wrapping it up in a tortilla and cooking it. We’d take it one step in addition and upload a few peppers, onions, and perhaps a few vegetables to the filling. Bonus: make some immediately and freeze the extras for a fair quicker lunch subsequent time.

14. Salmon and herbed bean salad photo: grocery store healthful uninterested in tuna salad? Strive canned salmon combined with creamy cannellini beans, greens, and sparkling herbs for a remarkable smooth meal that’s as scrumptious on its personal as it's far in a pita or with whole-grain crackers

15. Creamy buffalo fowl and black bean quesadillas if you usually reach for the wings on sport day, this is the lunch quesadilla for you. It’s spicy, creamy, and loaded with flavor. Black beans bump up the fiber and protein, and inexperienced onions upload a touch more zing. Experience loose to cut back on the bitter cream or use greek yogurt instead. 16. Tomato salad–crammed avocados image: taste of home

not only desirable for guacamole, moist desserts, and rich smoothies, avocados are designed to be filled! Dispose of the pit and fill the center with a mixture of tomato, feta, onion, and herbs for a filling meal that’s quite sufficient to serve at a brunch. After all, not every breakfast-meets-lunch recipe must take hours to put together.

17. Caprese quesadilla italian and mexican favorites crew up for a mashup that’s better than something blended with the aid of a dj. The how-to is quite apparent: fill a tortilla with tomatoes, mozzarella, and basil; cook until the cheese is melted; and drizzle with balsamic glaze for a taste-packed final touch. 18. Herb and onion frittata at the same time as this recipe uses liquid eggs, you can alternative  complete eggs for the reason that ldl cholesterol and fats inside the real factor are not anything to worry approximately. Upload anything herbs — clean or dried — enchantment to you, due to the fact all of them have distinct flavors and fitness blessings. Like pizza and mashed potatoes, frittata tastes simply as properly bloodless as it does warm, so cross in advance and double the recipe and devour the alternative half of for breakfast tomorrow.

19. Turkey-provolone wrap with avocado mayo this isn’t just every other turkey sandwich. Smear mayo and coronary heart-wholesome avocado on a tortilla and roll it up with lettuce, provolone, and tomato. This recipe is gentle, creamy, and crunchy, but view it as a starting vicinity and play with other fillings. Dinner

20. Zucchini pasta with vegan cashew-basil pesto photograph: the fitchen the addition of cashews — a good source of bone-building phosphorus, strength-generating magnesium, and other minerals — makes pesto distinctly creamy. Make the sauce in a meals processor, spiralize zucchini (or use a vegetable peeler), and integrate the two. Then dig in! 21. Veggie fried rice image: pinch of yum fried rice is a dream for chefs pressed for time, and this model is not any exception. Leftover brown rice works high-quality for this, however in case you’re in a pinch, microwaveable rice stands in nicely. Peas, eggs, and corn get tossed with salty soy sauce and rice vinegar. Mix in any of your different preferred greens, too. You surely can’t cross wrong.

22. Highly spiced cilantro shrimp with honey-lime dipping sauce image: love grows wild because it chefs so quick, shrimp is the right protein for busy evenings. Season it with paprika, cumin, cayenne, and cinnamon (yes, cinnamon — it provides warmth) for max flavor, and sauté it in butter for just minutes. Toss with sparkling lime juice and a selfmade honey-lime dipping sauce that tempers the heat of the shrimp.

23. Oven-baked tostadas image: yellow bliss avenue crunchy oven-baked corn tortillas famous person in this meal. After they’re golden and crispy, pinnacle them with refried beans or any simple beans, lettuce, tomatoes, sour cream, cheese, and avocado. That is one recipe to have fun with and spot what mixtures you can create. 24. Broccoli and parmesan soup

with five ingredients and 10 minutes, dinner is prepared. Cooking the broccoli with a parmesan rind infuses cheesy flavor into every spoonful, and a hint of soy adds umami — that savory taste that you may’t pretty describe but taste pointers of (in a terrific manner). This pureed soup packs nutrients a, b-6, and c, plus phytochemicals that can fend off cancer. 25. Pan-roasted salmon with arugula and avocado salad

picture: serious eats a complete seafood dinner in 10 mins? Oh, sure. While the salmon sears on the stove, toss arugula with a lemon–olive oil french dressing, cubed avocado, and parmesan. Once the fish is achieved, plate it on pinnacle of the salad. Your coronary heart will thank you, for the reason that two servings of fatty fish weekly may additionally decrease the hazard of cardiovascular ailment. 26. Brief and smooth black beans and rice image: the perfect pantry

there’s a reason rice and beans is this kind of popular dish: it’s cheaper and clean. But it could additionally be uninteresting. Not so with this flavorful take. Conventional latin flavorings like sofrito, cumin, and chili powder are introduced to cooked rice. Toss in inexperienced chile peppers for heat and black beans for protein and you've a complete meal right away. 27. Low-carb chili picture: i breathe i’m hungry whilst you want chili and you need it now, pull this recipe out. Using your preferred keep-sold salsa speeds matters up, and there’s no longer even any dicing or slicing worried. Use ground lean red meat or turkey, and pinnacle together with your favorite fixings like sour cream, corn, avocado, or clean-squeezed lime juice.

28. Bbq chook pizza neglect frozen pizza or delivery: this pie is ready even faster! Use a whole-wheat pita because the crust, and pinnacle it with fish fry sauce, red onion, mozzarella, and precooked hen — leftover or rotisserie from the store works nicely. Microwave until the cheese is flawlessly melted, and then go beforehand — consume everything! 29. Lean and green tofu stir-fry photograph: consuming fowl food

stir-fries are ideal when you need a healthful meal speedy. Plus, they’re an smooth manner to % in greens. This recipe consists of onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, and a couple of cups of spinach in step with serving — that alone offers approximately a third of the daily advice of diet a, plus loads of vitamin k and some potassium, vitamins that are critical for the fitness of your eyes, bones, and coronary heart.

[insomniacmoonlight]

College break up

Andrew and Adina have just started taking ther relationships more seriously, and attempting to survive living together. Paying rent, college, and work are all main subjects that could definitely cause tension between a couple. This is a funny story I just had to get out. Enjoy!

“God you are so fucking stupid!” The front door open with a smack against the brick wall of the apartment. Adina had done called her father to come pick her up. She looked around the empty lot knowing he would be pulling up any minute. “Adina!” Andrew called out while barreling outside, his bare feet hitting the pavement loud. “For fuck sake what are you doing?!” She spun around with anger blazing in her eyes. “I’m so sick of fighting that’s all we do now!” Andrew felt his anger rise “No, you make such a big fucking deal of everything! It doesn’t matter how big or how small, you always do” Andrew took in a breathe trying to calm himself. “Look, just come back inside and we can talk there” His voice was more himself however there was still a ping of annoyance with her. She bitterly smiled with brows still down. “Nope, don’t worry about it. I’m fucking leaving” Shock was present in his expression but was replaced by anger. “Fine!” He felt his anger exploded “Just fucking leave then!” He turned around and stormed back inside slamming the door not caring if any neighbors complained.

It took a almost a hour of awkward silence of Sia moving his daughters things. He was at work in his sub station when he receive a chaotic call. Adina and Andrew’s yelling could be heard clear as day through the phone. She knew the commotion would make her father come regardless if she ask him to or not. Sure enough he was at their apartment no later than ten minutes. Adina bolted in his car and immediately began crying. The whole car to parent’s house she explained everything to her father who repeated it to his wife. “Darling simply talking to him could make this whole thing end” Her mother gently spoke hugging her “N-no” Adina sobbed out “I really thought one day he may marry me but clearly no” She breathed hard as her heart thumped heavily “I hate him” Now Sia was loading up the car with boxes of Adina’s belongings. Her shampoo, clothes, pillows, pictures, and other items were all placed away neatly into boxes. “I’ll just leave the furniture we bought for you two here” Sia lowly said looking at Andrew who was sitting on the couch. He looked full of guilt but the damage seemed to be final this time. “I don’t understand, Andrew. How did this happen? Me and Sabina was hoping you’d graduate and maybe marry her” Andrew looked up “I’m sorry but I think it’s over this time” He dryly said. Sia nodded then picked up the last box. Before shutting the door behind him he spoke once more “Take care of yourself”

The next few days were hell. It soon dawned on him just how much Adina impacted his day. After a long day of classes and waitering he came home to nobody. Even on days when he was most exhausted, Adina greeting him back would immediately lighten him up. Today he came home with his guts roaring. The college cafeteria was shit along with his job never giving him breaks. He opened the fridge to ketchup, one egg, half a gallon of milk, and a TV dinner that had been hiding in the back of the freezer for months. He didn’t know if he should laugh or cry. Reaching down into his pocket he felt the few dollar bills he was able to get tonight. He counted out only twenty dollars along with few pennies. “Fuck” He growled. It would be two weeks before he saw another paycheck again. In the end he used most of the twenty to fill his car up half way on gas. While at the station he picked up a frozen pizza and a bottle of root beer. As he ate his dinner in slience he couldn’t help but think about the ring. Just a few days ago he made a payment on a engagement ring. He had been thinking of how to do it just right for her but now it just hunted him. He thought of returning it back, which would bring him back a few hundred dollars. After eating he walked to the bedroom him and Adina once shared. He slide the closet door open and in the very back, he found his father’s old coat. He dug his hand in the front pocket and felt the smoothness of the little black box containing the ring. He pulled it out to open then examined the three small diamonds embedded in. He had ideas of how he should’ve proposed but those ideas needed to be forgotten now. Pain stung him. In the end he decided he couldn’t return it just yet. “Perhaps she’ll come back” He placed the box back in the coat pocket

Weeks later

Adina swore as she burnt her finger tip on the hot metal of the flat iron. It had took her a few days to get settled back home but now she was ready to get back out there. She knew the only way to get over a break up was to destract herself. She always enjoyed fixing herself up and cleaning her room felt like a new start. Over the following weeks she felt like she had done vented her anger and pain out by constantly talking about him. When a friend mentioned moving on and possibly start dating again. Adina eventually signed up on a dating app that connected her to seeking men in her area. “He’s kinda cute” Adina said as she showed her mother the picture of a young man in his twenties. Sabina looked then shook her head. “No, he didn’t list his work so he probably has no work at al” Adina keep flickering through her phone screen while her mother watched sadly. She had really come around to liking Andrew. He had a lot going for him, especially since he would graduate from college later in the spring. “Ooo he’s hot” Adina shoved her phone close to her mothers face “He works at a bar, he’s only a ten minutes drive from here, and he says he likes going out” She couldn’t help but compare. Andrew hates going out in large crowds or parties, however she loved them. “I’m going to send him a message” She pulled her phone back and hit the instant message. After a few minutes, he replied. Her heart sped up as the agreed to meet up the next night. She asked where at to which he suggested a Italian restaurant downtown. Adina then felt her heart sink but agreed

The next evening Adina was looking in the mirror studying her face and body. She applied dark shadow to her eyes with a nude lip to really make her eyes pop. Along with curling the ends of her dark hair and her she felt like a bomb shell. Despite her looks she still felt extremely nervous. Not just the new man but they was going to the same restaurant Andrew worked at. She feared of seeing him but knew he won’t do anything. Eventually the time came, and her date picked her up. “So tell me a bit more about yourself” She smiled warmly at him. “Well, as you know I’m a bar tender, but I own a chocolate lab named Mocha” He smiled back at her “Oh and just call me Dan but I put Daniel on the app cause it sounds better I guess” They both laughed. “So tell me about you” Adina quickly thought “I’m really passionate about designing clothes and hopefully own a online business with it one day” Dan chuckled “So that why you look so beautiful tonight” She smiled feeling her face blush. “Well we are here, Adina” He said pulling up in the restaurant. Her fear of running into Andrew would definitely happen now when she saw his car. “What’s wrong?” Dan asked seeing her face “It’s nothing, just-well, it’s kinda a long story” Dan parked. “C’mon you can tell me. Don’t you like Italian?” She nodded “Yes, I love Italian but my ex works here and I hoped he didn’t work tonight” She turned to him “I don’t think he’ll do anything-” Dan shook just head and pulled the key out of the car “Trust me he won’t do anything to you. I won’t let him have the chance” They was greeted at the door by a teenage bubbly girl. “Table for two?” Dan nodded “Ok, please follow me” She lead them through one area of the restaurant where most booths of families was seated. “Here we are” The girl chirped. A small table near the window that over looked the busy street outside. “Thank you ma’ma” They sat across from each and Dan couldn’t help but notice her scan the room. “Is he here?” She shook her head only seeing couples eating and two waitresses. “Ah fuck him, let’s see what they got to eat” They was looking over the menu when Adina’s heart nearly pop out of her chest by a familiar voice. “Hey, I’ll be your waiter tonight. What can I get you two started to drink?” She frantically looked up but Andrew was talking to a different couple few tables away. She doubt he’d even seen her yet. He wrote the order down and went back to the kitchen. She breathed hard hoping he wouldn’t come to them. She prayed while looking over the menu in silence. She heard his voice again as he brought the couple their drinks. “Ah no fair” Dan frowned “Thats bull we have been here longer than them and nobody to our drink orders” Adina gulped as Dan waved his arm “Hey man, come here” She heard his footsteps and felt her breath get caught in her throat. “So we’ve been here for a good minute and nobody took our drinks yet” Andrew apologize “Sorry about that sir, what would you like to drink?” Dan reply with a coke. Andrew looked down at the dark haired woman who was holding her face in her hands. “Ma’am what would you like to drink?” She looked up and his eyes grew wide “I’ll have water please”

A waitress came and brought out their drinks instead. She had a thick southern accent and blonde hair piled up high on her head. “Hello, my name is Trish I’ll be your waitress tonight. Sorry I was running a little late ya’ll know traffic and all” She let out a loud laughter that displayed her bleached teeth well. “So do we know what we are eating tonight?” Dan answered “I’ll have the spinach dip with the lemon grilled chicken and a trip to the salad bar” Trish quickly wrote it all down “Alrighty. And for you miss?” Adina had to shallow her mouth full of water quickly. “Um, can I just have the four cheese ravioli please?” Trish nodded “Why yes you can, I’ll go tell the kitchen” She flashed her teeth again in a wide smile before leaving. “What’s wrong? You seem nervous” Dan asked before taking a sip of his drink. She knew Dan would eventually put it all together. “See the guy clearing that table over there?” Dan glances over to the waiter who took their drink order. “Yeah” Andrew was staking plates but after putting the five dollar tip in his pocket. “That’s my ex” Dan frowned. “I’m gonna go get my salad” When he got up Dan was trying to see Andrew good. Such as his height and body build. He was taller buy a few inches but wasn’t as sturdy looking as Dan. While Dan was gone, Adina couldn’t help but stare. His back was turned to her but he felt her eyes on him. He went back in the kitchen to dump the leftovers in the trash before sliding them into the window to the dishwashers. He merged back out to get the remaining plates. He notice Adina was still sitting alone and he couldn’t help but feel remorse. He staked the remaining plates and turned around. A loud crash and the shatter of plates echoed through the restaurant. “Oh my bad man!” Dan said “Didn’t see you there” a smug look was present in his face. “No, it’s my fault” Andrew lowly said. He went down to pick up what he could. He could feel guest looking over as it was a loud crash. The kitchen door swung open and Trish stepped out. “Don’t worry sunshine” A nickname she had give him thanks to his hair “I got the sweeper and dust pan” She helped him get the mess up quicker and pulled him aside in the kitchen. “I just didn’t see him is all” Trish nodded “That’s happen to me a few times too but that man walked around the restaurant just to get behind you, oppose to going back the way he came. I think he wanted that to happen” Andrew thought about it. Trish did have a point. “I’m gonna go bring their food out now. If he makes me fall this heel is going in his eye”

He would glance over occasionally while they ate. Andrew eventually had new guest to tend to over in the booth area. After half an hour he saw Trish take away some of their plates. “Thank you” Adina gently spoke. “Why you’re welcome hun!” Trish beamed back. “Ma’am?” Dan spike up “Can we have some to go boxes please?” Trish smiled warmly “I’ll be right back with that” Dan thanked her then looked for Andrew. He was the closest server and Dan new he could make him. Adina’s heart dropped as Dan called Andrew over as he wasn’t doing anything. “Hey man come here” Andrew didn’t have a good feeling as he walked up “Yes?” It was hard for him not to look at her. His heart beated heavy. “Man, there’s like something sticky under my seat. My shoes have been stuck there all night. Can you take a look?” Andrew felt his nerves calm by Dan’s tone. He knelt down only to see a clean shiny floor. “Where exactly-” Dan dumped his leftovers and drink on top of Andrew’s head. “Oh my bad” Dan laughed as Andrew slowly stood up. His hair, face, and shirt was covered in coke and pasta sauce. Trish stood behind him mortified holding the styrofoam boxes. He looked at Adina in the eyes for the first time that night. She was starring wide eyed with her hands over her mouth. “Looks like we don’t need those boxes after all. Let’s go” Dan stood up and headed for the door. Andrew turned and stormed into the restroom seeing red. Adina swiftly got up to follow Dan out of the building. Minutes later a manger entered in the men’s restroom. He informed Andrew that due to the nights events, he could return home for the evening. Andrew thanked him and gathered this coat before opening the back door. “Sunshine, don’t worry. Go home and relax” He turned to see Trish. She handed him a ten dollar bill “That’s yours honey from your table they just left. I reckon they saw what happen too” He smiled “Thank you for helping me out tonight” He changed his clothes immediately after returning home to a light shirt and sweat pants. He put on his tennis shoes hoping a quick loop through the park was what he needed to clear his head. Across town Adina had found her voice again as she was enraged by Dan actions. “I can’t believe you did that” She growled. She was pushed up against her window with her arms folded. “Just take home” In her mind the date was over and the possibility of being together was over. “Come on, that guy was a nervous asshole it was fun” Dan shook his head “Let me end the night on a positive note” Andia flared at him. He was a idiot if he thought she would give him anything. “How about a drive through the park? We can talk better there”

Andrew embrace the night breeze. The slience of the nature trail was soothing thought he understood he could stay for too long. He completed all his service hours for tramma nursing but only a few more test and a exam he was be done. The spring semesters always went faster and more nerve racked bf than the fall. He could help but think about Adina. It killed him to now she already moved on like they was nothing. Perhaps after graduation he would find someone new he thought to himself. He turned the coner and heard a familiar voice coming from the parking lot. He knew it too well. He peer around to see Adina and the man she was with at the restaurant. They seemed to be arguing by the way she stood with her arms folded. Andrew knew it wasn’t his business but couldn’t help but to listen. “This ain’t working. Just leave me alone” She went to pull out her cellphone to dial her father to come pick her up but Dan hand painfully clasped onto her wrist. “No, we are talking about us” She jerked her hand free “Don’t touch me like that ever, and the is no ‘us’. Just forget you” She turned to walk away but Dan grabbed her arm yanking her back. “Hey!” She yelled. Adina her footsteps thundering behind her and felt her blood freezing fearing someone else wanted to hurt her. “Fucking stop” The voice belonged to Andrew. Dam let go as Andrew drew in closer. “What?” Dan laughed “Yours a stalker too?” Andrew turned his attention towards Adina “Are you ok?” His eyes scanned over her arm. “I’m fine” She could help but feel surprise to see him along with a mixture of sadness. “I said are you ok?” His tone was gental as he looked intently at her.Adina gave him a look he didn’t recognize. A mixture of worry and fear. Her eyes pleaded for him to do something. Andrew found his voice and as collectively as he could. “Hey man, she really doesn’t wanna go with you” Dan rolled his eyes “Shut the fuck up, Andrew” He reach his hand out to grab Adina’s arm but Andrew’s arm wrapped around her shoulders to pull her away behind him. Andrew stood between the two now. “She’s done told you to leave her alone” She peered over his shoulder watching Dan get more angry. “She left you weeks ago, so butt the hell out” He reached his arm around Andrew trying to grab her again. Andrew quickly push it away “You do that again” Andrew felt his nerves begin to rise “I’m gonna-” Dan stepped up to grab his shoulder digging his nails in Andrew’s flesh. “You’ll do what motherfucker?”

“I won that fight” His voice had a humorous stuffy nose tone to it. He held the blood soaked rag against his nose while looking up at the ceiling. “I can’t believe you’re banned from the park now” Adina said as he sat next to him “And a restraining order” He added. “Let me see” She said already starting to move closer to him. “It’s just blood” She frowned “I wanna see if it’s broken” He rolled his eyes “It’s not, I’ve done checked that” She sat back feeling annoyed with his tone. “I’m just trying to check, damn” He shift his eyeballs to her. “Why you care so much?” Adina just invited herself back to the apartment afterwards, and hadn’t left since. “Fuck you then!” She shot up to the door and Andrew immediately got up “I’ll leave you alone!” Her voice was raw of emotions and felt her eyes water. She reached for the knob but only manage to open it slightly before his hand pressed against it, closing it. “Please don’t” She turned around sharply. “I care! Ok?!” Her voice cracked against her will. Tear pooled in the corners of her eyes. “I care that you got busted in the face! I care that you got hurt and-” He picked her up into a hug “I missed you” Adina felt tears leave her eyes to her face. He put her feet back on the ground yet still kept her arms wrapped around her. “I missed you so much” He gently spoke stroking her hair. She wrapped her arms around him pulling her face into his chest. “I got so scared when he wouldn’t leave me alone- and then you just stopped it” He hugged her tighter “It really pissed me off seeing you afraid” She pulled away from the hug to see his face. “Besides” He smiled down “It���s been way too quiet in this place” Adina smiled back and wiped her eyes. “Geez your nose his fucked up” She brought her had up to the side of his face. “The swelling will go down but I’ll probably be bruised for a while” She stood on her top toes to kiss his cheek but he turned his head to plant his lips on hers. “I missed you so much. I’m sorry I made you leave” They kissed again before Adina started her apology. “I shouldn’t have left you alone” The kiss was becoming more messy and longer yet they continued to talk. “No, it made me realize how much I need you” She kissed him sloppily licking his lips. He went to kiss her back but the feel of liquid running down his nose made him pull away and dash to the bathroom while covering his nose with his hands. “Hey! Are we still broken up?” Adina called still at the door. He looked in the mirror to see blood dipping between his fingers running down to his elbows. He hung over the sink to allow the blood to drip freely down. “So we are back together?” Adina asked peeking around the door frame. She saw the mess and immediately fetched some paper towels from the kitchen. “I guess we kissed too hard” He chuckled wiping his nose. Blood had reached spread to his neck dripping down to stain his shirt. “I’ll take a quick shower, then I’ll take you home”

After the shower he merged out of the bathroom with clean clothes, but a rag still pressed against his nose. Adina was sitting on the couch on her phone. She had explained not even half of the story to her mother on text. “Do you want me to drive?” She asked as she pick up her purse. Andrew nodded and gave her the keys. They was still confused about their relationship now. They drove in slience both of them still pondering the question. Adina saw him out the coner if her eyes lending his head back to stop the blood. “I’m sorry you got hurt” Andrew looked over at her “That guy was a dick all night” His voice trailed off. “What made you like a guy like that?” Adina raised her hands off the wheel for a moment but kept her eyes ahead. “I don’t know. I thought I needed someone different” Her words hung in the air. “My parents are at the sub station and I don’t have a key” Andrew mentally sighed. He knew her parents probably wouldn’t ge thrilled to see him. She pulled up to the door of the sub station. “Wait a minute” Andrew reached over and out the car in park. “Before you go I need to talk to you” She turned her face to him. “What are we? Do you just wanna be friends or is it better just to forget about us?” Adina’s brown eyes looked sorrowful. “I don’t know” She admitted “Maybe we should just forget” He felt his heart break. “Ok” There was shock and breakage in his voice. Adina got out of the car and walked up to the doors of the building. He opened the car door just as she closed the front door. As he walked to the drivers side he glanced in the large windows to see her looking at him. He turned his head feeling tears well up. She watched him drive away off into the night.

Andrew opened the door to the apartment and allowed the tears to pour. He wiped his eyes and glanced down at his phone. It was near 10 o’clock. He had a test tomorrow and knew only half of the material. Before the events of the evening he thought he would just come home, study and sleep, but now he was attending to his face and cleaning up the place. For some reason cleaning made him feel better as it allowed him to focus on something else. After all the dishes, floors, and rooms where tightened up, he sat on the couch and opened is laptop. He tried to focus on the material but couldn’t stop thinking about her. He wanted to just forget but his heart was aching. Looking up at the ceiling as he felt tears return to his eyes at the painful truth they was over. He guessed he would have to return the ring now. After all that’s why money had been kinda tight. He denied knowing where it went, which in hindsight was stupid of him. It only built more tension. A knock at the door shook him. He looked at the clock that read back 10:40. Andrew’s stomach tighten as he saw who it was through the peep hole. He unlocked the door and there stood Adina. She was misty eyed looking up at him. She smiled as he stood there in a over sized band shirt and pajama pants. She stood on her tip toes and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I’m sorry” She gently spoke. He hid his face in her hair. “I’m not mad” He repeated hearing his voice break. He had to silence a sob but couldn’t stop fresh tears from rolling down his face. He comb through her hair then hugged her tight. When they pulled out of the hug Adina was amazed. She’d never seen him cry before. He smiled looking down at her which made her cry seeing him smile so gently. “I know you probably have stuff to do but dad made you a sub cause you kicked that guys ass” They both laugh together in what felt like the first time in years. “Are they here?” He asked wiping his eyes. “Yeah” Adina wiped hers too “We talked about it and they drove me out here” She had new tears streaming down “I came to say I’m sorry” She placed her head on his chest to which he reacted by holding her again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” She gasped between sobs. “Hey” His tone was so gently it stung her. “If you keep crying, then I’ll keep crying” She smiled and wipe her eyes. “I think they made up” The voice that spoke had a heavy Indian accent and the tone smooth. He looked up from Adina to see Sabina and Sia walking to the front door. “Can we come in?” Sia asked holding a white styrofoam box. Andrew nodded. He broke his embrace with Adina to allow them all in the living room. “Oh darling,” Sabina sighed “your nose” She moved Adina out of the way and cup the sides of Andrew’s face. “Oooh goodness” She said looking. “At least you won” She smiled. “I know we can’t stay for long but we all wanted to say thank you” Sia said handing Andrew the styrofoam box. “Thank you” He placed it on the counter that divide the kitchen and living room. “So?” Sabina happily chirp “We saw the hug” She smiled at Adina then look at Andrew. They both smiled “We’ll see”

The next month

The mid day sky bright blue sky showed down through the blossoming trees. Adina looked over at Andrew then down at their intertwined hands. She smiled feeling a breeze gently blow through her hair. Over the last month they had both put in a real effort on better communication. She moved back in with him and together they grew. Arguments became less frequent, money seemed to be less of a issue and they was displaying affection for eachother more publicly. They had been walking for an hour before they felt the need to stop and just enjoy the weather. “It’s really pretty out here” Andrew said looking up at the clear sky. Adina smiled then picked him with a kiss on his jawbone. He smiled and kissed her lips back. Usually he would just kiss her cheek but now he’d kiss her wherever, which she loved. “I love you” He gently spoke then pulled her in again for another kiss. “I love you so much, Adina” She smiled back blushing slightly “I love you too” Andrew seemed get dazed for a second and when he snapped back he looked worried. “What?” She asked “Nothing- I’m just nervous” He admitted with a half smile. “Why?” He reaches into his pocket and out came a small black box. She could tell it was a jewelry however there was no holidays or birthdays coming up so why? Her eyes widen as it dawned on her. “Yes” She stated blankly. Andrew laughed “I haven’t even ask you properly yet” He opened the box to reveal the sliver ring with three small diamonds embedded in. “You know that I love you a lot, Uh- will you marry me?” She stared at the ring then back up at him. Her eyes watered “Yes” She cracked a smile that grew like sunshine. “Yes!” She threw her arms around him. “I love you” Andrew kisses her head as he held her. “I hope those are happy tears” He said lightheartedly. “There are” She wiped her eyes to look at him. He took the ring out from the wedge and held her left hand. He slid the ring on. She looked down at her hand a smiled. Andrew quickly wipe his eyes but she caught him. “Those better be happy tears” She tease. “They are” He said with a smile.

[tales-from-exo-planet]

LYON II PATHCODES VOL. II

ACT III./Pt II. “Cucumber Melon”

Length - 6,603

Mood - Disenchanted, Wearied

Pairing - Baekhyun x Reader

“Losing my breath

At your glance, my world stops

My heart is true, trust me

A burning passion

I’ll stake it all for you

There’s no other way

You know it…”

“Ice Queen” by Baekhyun

Present Day

“_____? The water is boiling. I can finish up in here with the tea if you’re going to be awhile!” _____ (Marseille Reader) called out to you from her kitchen.

You stared at the vomit swirling in the toilet as you flushed for the second time, and waited for the telltale hiss to subside before washing your hands at the already running faucet.

Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh no Oh God

“_____?” She (Marseille Reader) gently rapped at the door and tried the door knob.

“Sorry, I’ll be right there!” You answered and heard her soft “ok” before her footsteps receded back out into the hall again.

You washed your face clear of vomit and washed your hands for a third time before picking up the tube of her toothpaste. Unscrewing the cap, you squeezed a glob onto your finger and scrubbed at your teeth, and gargled mouthwash in a cycle of two.

You turned to look at the bottle of her cucumber melon shampoo whose cap had not been closed properly atop her bathroom vanity. One whiff of that as soon as you entered the bathroom had you running for the toilet.

I’m pregnant. I’m definitely pregnant again.

Cucumbers had never been your favorite vegetable though you had never had a particular aversion to them either. It was not until much later in life that you were very strict about not having anything to do with the scent and sight of cucumbers in your home even though it didn’t affect you. Yet.

The only extreme reaction you had ever had to the scent of cucumbers had been over a year ago during dinner with Jongdae and Baekhyun before he had temporarily moved to Almaty for their first gig.

You had ordered in from The Beef Club to celebrate, and after setting the table, abruptly vacated the area, leaving an equally stunned Baekhyun and Jongdae in shock, after smelling the cucumber ribbons you had specifically requested not be included in your summer spinach salad order. Baekhyun spotted them just as you lurched up and away from the table, his fork in hand to pick the ribbons from your plate, clattered to the floor as he hopped up to run after you.

���Poor jagi doesn’t like them anymore than I do now,” Baekhyun cooed as he came in behind you to help you clean up.

He held your hair back from your face as you vomited, rubbing your back until you dry heaved and sat back against him, his hand still at your back.

But after your solo appointment with your gynecologist later that week, you knew that was true in more ways than one.

The notion of this possible second pregnancy both horrified and delighted you all at the same time.

You couldn’t imagine this possibly being the best time to announce such news.

_____________

“Madame, Mr. Byun left with Mr. Byun and YunHee this morning. I have begun to pack your things for the week as he instructed,” your butler informed you upon your arrival by taxi that Sunday afternoon from ____’s (Marseille Reader’s) apartment.

“Yes I spoke with my mother on my way in. Both she and my in-laws are at Grandmother’s house and I will join them later this afternoon. I do however have a conference call scheduled...if you wouldn’t mind continuing to help me with my things?” She had greeted you at your front door, and quickly shared the week’s events planned in anticipation of your participation before dismissing herself at your request to continue with her work.

She dismissed herself down the hall ahead of you where you heard her dismiss the nanny from YunHee’s room.

“Monsieur already packaged all of her needs. You may tend to the laundry.”

Outside the gardener waved through the window.

You were still reeling from the earful your mother gave you.

“Why would you cause us to worry like this, ____? I cannot imagine what could have happened. Darling why couldn’t you come to me instead of taking off in the night?! What if something happened to YunHee? Baekhyun would never forgive himself-”

“Why are you defending him as if I am the only one in the wrong?! I’m not some spoiled brat-”

“Oh? And running away in the middle of the night says otherwise? ____, I will not tolerate this. What is so difficult to resolve-”

“Why do I have to resolve this issue with him?”

“Can it be such an unforgivable thing?!? I can hardly believe that. You will come to his grandparents’ this weekend” she demanded with a shout before hanging up, something she had never done even when you had pissed her off as a younger girl.

It was intolerable to be alone in this house with your solitary thoughts a moment longer but you would wait to finish the conference call here before joining the ambush you were sure this meeting at his grandparents’ house would be. After a moment of pacing from the foyer to the entrance of your family wing, you decided to wait for the call from ______ (Berlin Reader) and the others in the home office you still hadn’t finished designing.

You continued to pace the floor even in the office, stopping at the half unwrapped mirror leaned against the nude wall as you caught your reflection, and the memories of your crazed trek through the dark of your rural community to the greater city resurfaced.

You looked as though you were one of the Wild Hunt, suspiciously returning to a vacant castle whose master and mistress were exposed and impotent.

“Let me shower first,” you whispered to your own reflection, your eyes descending for a moment to your belly.

I even took you out there with me.

What if something had happened to us?

Again in the hall, you made your way to your bedroom, pausing at YunHee’s opened door to see her room neatly clear of the toys she would usually pull out to play with by this time of the morning.

He took everything she needed.

Even toys that she sometimes had difficulty describing with what primary sign language she had been learning with her speech and music therapist who made frequent house calls outside of her regular office visits when necessary.

After washing up and approving the bag packed by your butler that she brought to the front door to wait for you, you returned to the home office, dressed in an acceptable sundress and blazer to greet your family later on, in time to see ____ (Berlin Reader’s) name flash across your phone’s screen.

When you answered you heard a collective welcoming of cheerful, well rested voices.

“Hello everyone. Just wanted to update you all about an event coming up in the next month or so. Remember we had discussed a possible business package in tandem with a women’s seminar. Will all of you still be able to attend?,” she inquired, the sound of a pen scribbling on paper sounding in your ears at her brief pause.

“Mhm, we’ll be there,” _____ (Almaty Reader) chimed in immediately, speaking for _____ (OG Arizona Reader) who was listening in from her line.

____ (Marseille Reader) texted you asking you if you made it back home as she responded to the group line, “I’ll be there.”

“I’m back home, yea. Heading to grandparents in a little while.”

“I will have to see now that I’m back in town. There are some things that I need to take care of later this afternoon,” you were the last to answer.

“Oh damn…that’s sudden?”

“I should have known it would happen tho.”

“I do want to bring ____ (Yúnnan Reader) into the fold on this one because of her expertise. I’m not sure if you have all reviewed her numbers outside of Pathcodes but if you haven’t she is well connected and resourceful. She has quite a lot to offer to this conference. I’d like to put her to the test, if we are all in agreement?”

The decision to allow the trial was unanimous and so _____ (Berlin Reader) continued.

“Ok. We will reconvene by phone or email later this week or next week. I’d like to conference in the rest of our women’s board once there has been an adjustment period,” she stated before ending the call, wishing you all well in your coming week.

_____________

You knew this winding road.

The tall canopied trees.

The sound of this wind empty of other street noise and industrial chatter whipping past.

A breath of fresh, purified country air.

The eventual break of the long winding path to a house set back within a surrounding forever summer garden.

The fragrant roses planted closer to the door every year by grandfather on white day.

You had been out to their house plenty of times.

During the holidays.

On anniversaries.

Birthdays.

When family came into town.

It had always been a welcome space for you.

A familiar extension of him.

Your butler had been given instructions to drive you there in the staff car since Baekhyun had taken the family car.

You saw it parked in the circular brick drive and heard a familiar cry as you pulled your purse strap over your shoulder and opened the door.

“Aaaahhhhhh!! Maaaaa!!” She squealed happily as she came tumbling out the front door, her grandfather on her heels as she went, his huffed “조심해, 꼬마야! 조심해야 해!”

She slowed to a stop, her tutu flouncing down in a whoosh at her abrupt halt, as you dropped to your knees to embrace her, your entire world.

“Hello my beautiful, beautiful darling,” you whispered against her hair, kissing her hands, her cheeks, her closed tearful eyes.

She wriggled as you tried to hold her still against you and you knew that if she had the words to say it that she would tell you that you upset her by being gone all night long.

You could feel her little finger drawing her long syllabled protest against your cheek, letter by letter.

“I’m sorry I was gone. I’m sorry,” you whispered against her ear, feeling her little hands grab as much as she could of you, trying to pull herself up higher into your embrace.

“안녕하세요, 아버지, 건강하세요?” You said after standing and giving a cordial bow to your father-in-law who greeted you as always, with a small smile.

“저는 건강합니다. 집에 오신 걸 환영합니다, 딸,” he beckoned you forward with a slight tipping of his downturned hand and you went in obediently behind him with YunHee’s hand in yours.

____________

Your mother and mother-in-law both waited for you in the family den, anchoring grandmother who was nestled between them, their cups of tea on the low rise table before them.

They chattered noisily amongst themselves, a clucking of hens you once fondly dubbed the trio.

YunHee trilled in greeting, announcing her and your return, her voice rising in volume as she bounced around the sofa where her father sat with his back facing you.

You saw her sign to him happily, “Mommy is home.”

And when he asked her, her ever watchful eyes focused on his delicate fingers fluttering soundlessly, “are you happy?” she nodded and danced in her seat.

“Mother, Mother, Grandmother,” you tried to smile calmly as you spoke your greetings to each of them.

You stood just to the side of the sofa, remaining on your feet where he sat.

You caught your mother’s eyes as you approached.

Her gaze scaled you, appraising the distance you kept from him and your daughter.

“Get ready,” her unshakable gaze warned.

You greeted grandmother and mother-in-law in a similar fashion as you had greeted father-in-law before stepping closer to the sofa beside Baekhyun who was cuddling with YunHee.

She stood on the sofa to kiss his cheek and he turned into her kiss to blow a raspberry against her nose making her squeal even more.

“Pa pa ahhhh!” She chanted, dancing, swaying her hips side to side where he held her close to him, his back to you.

“We prepared lunch YunHee! Let’s go make a spot for Mommy now that she’s here!” Your mother called to her granddaughter approaching Baekhyun who raised her up into her grandmother’s arms to be carried away.  

Grandmother, mother and father-in-law all followed along, their carefree chatter escaping to the inner patio dining area where more white day roses waited.

You kept your gaze to the floor as you took the seat beside him but now that all distractions were gone, you turned to him to find his eyes trained on the now displaced cups of tea that had been such well placed props.

What exuberant life he had embodied in Yun Hee’s presence was forbidding, and listless now that he was left alone with you.

You contemplated telling him now that they had gone but felt the thought twisting your mouth shut.

“YunHee wouldn’t stop crying all night. I wanted to come get you this morning but she wouldn’t let me leave her alone for even a moment-”

“But you’re her father that’s-”

He sucked in a breath, exhaling sharply as a burst of tears and a cry finally forced their way out of his pressed lips.

He clapped his hands over his mouth at his tormented outburst, closing his eyes as he frantically tried to compose himself.

“I’m glad you’re alright,” was all he said, his tone stricken, after a moment longer of your halted silence before he stood, swiping his tear stained hands along his thighs, pulling nervously at the sleeves of his newly dry cleaned trench coat as he went and followed the trail your family had left.

If he had waited, you would have tucked his hair at the nape of his neck where his collar rose.

But he didn’t wait for you.

_______________

He sat beside you where YunHee placed him at the dining table, who swallowed every bite whole, and squealed between sips of milk, and clapped and danced all the while she ate, but was careful not to let his body brush or linger against yours.

He leaned away as you leaned forward to wipe her mouth with her napkin.

To offer her more food.

To mind her chewing.

To beg her to please sit down.

To smile at her playful twirling of her fork.

To comb her hair back into the French braid her father had done.

He had even threaded the ribbon through it like she liked.

She had seen you braid it like that once and demanded to have it that way for any special occasion ever since.

“I want that,” was one of the very first phrases she learned to sign and that was the first thing she requested.

Baekhyun had sent you a video when she first accomplished it that you stopped to watch on your way home from the office.

You remembered his tearful voice asking her to show him again and again as she pointed to a picture from one of your first anniversaries together where your hair had been done.  

“Ahhh wahhh daaa!” She exclaimed a final time in a triumphant tone and her father cheered and cheered before putting the phone down to run and grab the comb and brush and ribbons from your bedroom vanity where you kept them.

He let the phone record though they were out of focus while he sang to her when making bunny eared loops of ribbon and when he tied her shoes before they got up to dance.

“산토끼 토끼야

어디를 가느냐

깡총깡총 뛰면서

어디를 가느냐

산고개 고개를

나혼자 넘어서

토실토실 알밤을

주워서 올테야”

You felt the degree of heat in your cheeks rise the more you tried to keep your gaze trained on the second helpings of food you served him without looking at him whenever he asked for more.

“Here ____. You can serve,” your mother would prompt you the moment his request passed his lips, her hand pressing the cool steel of the ladle into your hand.

You kept your eyes on the ladle, shifting them only to his plate, avoiding their eyes, also.

It was pitiful.

It really must have been.

To watch you both.

______________

She napped immediately after brunch, again as she had been all afternoon, between you both, bringing you closer together to hold her up, with her lips pressed against your stomach where her younger sibling began to breathe with her arm around her father’s waist, his hand caressing her hair and back, careful to avoid bumping against you.

______________

After a bitter rebuke from grandmother, “right now it does not matter whether you are comfortable discussing this with us being present. We have YunHee to be concerned with now,” Baekhyun finally looked at you.

In all the days and nights that had belonged to you two alone, you had never seen the depth of panic you saw in his eyes.

And you were sorry.

You were sorry to see the prince of stained glass you epitomized, shattered before you and undone into this very broken, fearful, desperate man.  

Grandmother insisted that you went first.

And you respected her wish.

“I have always known that you loved me first. From the moment you saw me even. I was a heart that you aimed to possess. I knew you could provide for me. That you would take care of me. But I was never sure that I could ever feel safe with you…”

You took your time, unearthing what remained unspoken, seeing the cracks in his heart deepening the more you shared.

Seeing the iciness of every word that left your lips steadily building a rising barrier between you.

You coolly doled out mortar where he laid bricks.

“When YunHee was born it couldn’t have been at a more confusing time for us. We had just gotten engaged and still weren’t sure what we wanted in our relationship. Whether we were ready to move into a house from my old apartment or not. Yes, we knew that we belonged together and that is still very true. There is no one in the world that I could love, the way that I love you Baekhyun. But-”

His unsettled tears stopped you.

And where you paused, he began to speak.

“I always knew that one day I would fail you. I knew one day that no matter how much I loved you that I would make a mistake that you would never forgive me for. I knew you were waiting for me to fail you. And my anxiety over the years is not something I can blame anyone but myself for.”

“I shouldn’t have played that role. You never explicitly asked to fill the role but then again you did. I had to be worthy of you. And I wanted you to love me. I didn’t want to possess you. I never wanted that. I thought I could beat the odds. I thought that if I did what you needed and I proved you wrong then maybe one day you would accept me as the man that I am. I was hoping that one day you would stop treating me like your father and that you would finally see me as your husband, and your life partner,” he kept his eyes on you as his tears fell.

And you couldn’t discern what was worse to endure.

Your truths, finally, simultaneously, pushed out and through to the surface, their dreadful petals made bare in this summer garden of love in front of your mutual, unassuming family, with your children at the foot of it, helpless.

Or

The way that his eyes watched as you finally came into realization of how he actually saw you.

How he had always seen you.

Not the princess destined, as you’d always believed, for her fated prince.

But an ice queen in form and shape only dressed as a princess.

They shifted uncomfortably as they waited for either of you to continue.

They had been accomplices to his misadventures in this hapless affair.

Cheering on his every attempts to melt the ice from your heart.

What must they, all of them, have thought of his daring summit?

They had goaded him on day after day and year after year to amount to what?

Your rage from the night before shuffled forth to the forefront emboldening you.

You felt it rising in you as if it were a weapon raised and poised to strike.

Did they all see you as some monstrous beast to contain?

Were you the very ice dragon guarding the catacombs below that the prince dueled to win his slumbering princess's heart and favor?

“Why didn’t you go see YunHee in the hospital? Why did you leave her alone?”

You barely whispered the pointed, poison-tipped question but he heard you, his gaze unwavering though torn.

It was as if he had stripped himself of his armor, piece by piece.

Until there was nothing left for you to pierce but his very bare heart beneath his flushed, humble skin that he exposed to you, willingly.

“I couldn’t leave you. I just couldn’t _____. I couldn’t walk away from you. And I couldn’t walk into a future without you. I couldn’t bare that thought. That if I left you by yourself that something would happen to you and I would never see you again. We have never spent a day without each other since we met. I could never imagine a life without you. And I couldn’t look at her, knowing how much I loved her the moment you told me she existed and be able to endure all of the things they had to do for and to her, all the while wondering if it would be enough and if I would lose her also. I thought I would lose the both of you and I couldn’t choose. No. I did choose. I chose you. I was selfish. I am not proud of that. I am not proud of how weak I am when it comes to us. The things I am willing and not willing to do. I never imagined myself this way.”

His eyes were reddening but he blinked the tears from his vision, forcing himself, his body trembling like it did when he was trying to hold back deeper sobs, to remain focused on you.

“Was that why you left us last night? You have hated me since the day she was born. I know it in my heart. That hatred you’ve kept for me has overgrown and I feel like there’s no room left for us…” he sniffled as he looked at your daughter where she pulled him closer, cooing in her sleep.

“I don’t hate you-”

“Hate is a very strong word, yes. But you are disappointed in me. It’s in everything you say to me. It's everything you’ve stopped saying too,” he wiped his tears from his face as you felt your own falling.

“Baekhyun I…”

“What do you want to do, ____? We can’t keep doing this.” His tone was softer as if he was measuring out what he could do with the failing strength he had to say what he needed to say.

You knew how difficult this was for him.

To admit his errors not only to you but in front of your family and your daughter.

You knew that you caused him ever more heartache now because you had left last night.

If he had given you space to be angry maybe you could have resolved this alone.

But turning over the thought again and again in your mind, you knew that it wasn’t just that the tumult of his anxiety that had suddenly driven you away and into the fright of night all the way across town.

It was as he said.

You were disappointed.

A word that was greater in meaning than hatred.

It had an indefinite end to it.

And the fact that he knew it and admitted that aloud here…

You had wounded him deeply.

To say that in front of his parents, your mother, your family, because they refused to allow you another opportunity to delay this resolution privately.

They knew better than to leave the two of you to it anyway.

But you knew that he would allow you to hurt him even this way because he loved you too much.

And you were horrified at how justified you still felt.

Even in your tempered disappointment, you felt your heart breaking for the way he was hurting so openly and willingly for you.

“Baekhyun...I am disappointed. I am disappointed that you did that. I feel that I have a right to say that. I...I know what you’re saying and I understand what you mean. I know that you love me. I know what you would be willing to sacrifice everything for me. I...I’m sorry. I am. I am sorry,” he looked away from you as you began to speak.

“When you did that I felt so angry. I was so angry that you abandoned her when she needed you the most. I was so angry that you entrusted her safety to other people and that you never went yourself to make sure that she was safe. I was angry that you could be so cowardly for some superfluous reason that seemed nonconsequential at most.”

“When you did that...I did think of my father. I thought of the way he had abandoned me and I resented you for showing YunHee that. Even afterwards when we brought her home and you did your best taking care of her, doing everything possible for her to the point where I became the primary breadwinner for our household...I was still angry at you. I am still angry at you...I couldn’t forgive it...it was the one thing you promised. That you would be different. And I can’t let go of that. That anger. And when you tried to force me to be vulnerable with you the other night as if you didn’t know why I was so angry...I hated everything all the more. I was so angry at you again when you didn’t defend me when I told you what Minseok said. I was so angry at you.”

“And it was then that I realized that I never trusted you. Never,” you sobbed as he began to sob also, turning further away from you, YunHee clasped him tighter, shrinking into his embrace.

“I know…” he answered between hiccuping cries.

____________

You placed YunHee in your mother’s arms as she brought her up and away to the nursery her great grandparents created for their grand and great grandchildren in their summer garden home.

Baekhyun waited for you to continue, after wiping again at his eyes, his nose and mouth with the tissues grandmother had given to you both.

“Baekhyun I don’t know what to do. I want what’s best for YunHee. I want what’s best for our family. I want her to have her father in her life. I want to forgive you. I want everything to be...I want her to have a happy home,” you said to him, willing him to turn and face you.

He seemed to hear your telepathic call and turned to face you, bleary-eyed. Both his nose and cheeks were splotched with red where he had been wiping away tears.

“I want YunHee to have her mother in her life. I want her to have her family, both yours and mine with her. I want us to get through this. I want you to trust me. I want you to forgive me. I want you to forgive me for where I haven’t defended you. I want you to forgive your father. I want us to have a happy home too,” he answered in kind, his cadence lifeless.

“B-Baekhyun,” you sputtered past fresh tears, a new look of dread and knowing on his face as you touched your stomach.

You didn’t have to say it.

His eyes welled up in such petrified anguish.

It was as if he was looking at you in a glass enclosed box without a way to get you out of it as it sunk lower and deeper into the ocean’s dark depths.

He couldn’t touch you.

_________

“I had a dream about my grandson after YunHee’s first birthday. And I’ve dreamed that dream night after night until last night when it changed. And where I saw my great grandson once before he was no longer there. There was an empty space where he once was.”

Grandfather spoke in deliberate rounded tones as you and Baekhyun both tried to quiet your sobs.

“I hope you don’t do what you’re considering.” He finished after a pregnant pause.

You gasped at his insinuation though you knew better than to act so startled.

Wasn’t that the very reason for the anguish on Baekhyun’s face only a moment ago?

You were the only one hearing this dream for the first time. Of that you were sure.

“Before I came today I did wonder what I should do...I want our child but things with Baekhyun were not certain and I wasn’t sure what else to do. Had we not come here today...I honestly don’t know what I would have done. I don’t know if I could have seen that through,” you looked at your hands against your stomach where Yun Hee had been and where this tiny child was.

Grandmother spoke up, clearing her throat.

“Our families are united by YunHee. Her future is very important to us. This was once such a loving match. But hearing your stories and perspectives, we realize that we saw more in it than what you saw _____ for the sake of our grandson,” grandmother spoke to you now, in tones not as round and deliberately thoughtful.

You straightened.

“I come from an old way and an old life that encourages bonds made in marriage to be kept sacred no matter the cost. But where there is marriage lacking in this situation there are children. And more than one at that. And so we consider this similar to a bond made by marriage that cannot be undone.”

“I would advise that you spend time apart from YunHee, together. I would advise that you allow us to keep her for the summer. I would advise that you decide, grandson, what you would like this relationship to be. I would advise that you decide what kind of father and husband you will be going forward. I would advise that you hear the concerns of your loved one and that you take responsibility and respond for the sake of your children. I would advise that you truly consider each one of her thoughts. I would advise that you both seek counseling and resolve to marry before the close of this year.”

Baekhyun raised his eyes to his grandparents, his mother, your mother, your family in terrified protest to the demands that they made.

He caught your eyes watching him and turned from you, embarrassed.

Was he sorry that they were impressing this upon you now?

Was he sorry because he felt that it was his fault?

“I can’t spend a night without her, grandmother,” he answered the demand, an edge entering his voice.

“She will be close by. We have an interview this afternoon with a preschool close to us that she can attend-”

“Why can’t we actually discuss this? We are her parents,” he answered, his tone rising in exasperation.

“As her parents, you have every right to protest. Please do not misunderstand me,” his grandmother stated, and he snapped his mouth shut.

“What you must also understand, grandson, is that we are not willing to give up on this relationship even though it is very clear that the two of you are uncertain. You cannot see what we see. You have not lived long enough to understand the endurance, resilience and the strength relationships truly require. And because of that we will not let you abandon this. You will come to an absolute resolution that benefits both your daughter and this new life,” grandmother stood after finishing her statement, bringing forward a school voucher pamphlet she had kept upon her lap while she sat listening to you both.

She placed it before you both, at the center of the table.

Baekhyun received it first, reviewing it several times before placing it on the table directly in front of you.

_____________

“I know that the pain your father dealt you was great. But I had no idea that it would turn you into this kind of person, ____. How could you do this? For years?” Your mother waited until you placed the pamphlet on the table before she spoke.

She had always been the one to encourage you forward.

She championed your fearless spirit, and your passionate nature.

But she knew the other side of it.

Both the cause and the pain.

She knew the height of your fury.

And she wasn’t apologizing for how things had gone.

She too kept her eyes open and she brought things to your attention every step along the way.

But she allowed you freedom where he perhaps did not have it.

And maybe that was the source of the cloud of guilt cast over her face.

“Why would you string someone along who loves you? Is your heart that broken? Or are you that afraid to trust?”

You fought the rage that twisted within your mouth.

Pummeling back the very words you knew you shouldn't say to her, a verbal assault you could never return from.

Not only would you injure your mother but you would destroy yourself in trying to deflect the light shining on you.

Instead you began to cry.

“I don’t know how to forgive him. I don’t know how to make peace with him. I don’t know how to move on. I hate him for what he did to us. I hate him for lying to you. I hate him for forcing you to be alone. I hate him for abandoning me. I hate him but he doesn’t care that I hate him. He doesn’t care how I feel. He cares about the way that he looks. He cares about what other people think of him. He never cared about whether I liked him or whether I loved him as a father. He never wanted a relationship with me. Or you. And when I realized that it just completely ruined me. He doesn’t care about how you feel either...he never cared about us. He could never be held responsible. He would never ever ever be found guilty. He would never ask for forgiveness. And so I’m left here with this pain and this fear that there are men out there who will do these things to you...and they don’t care…”

And you looked at your lover then.

Your heart.

Your soul.

Your conscious.

Your everything.

Begging him to forgive you.

Begging him to know that you knew how pitiful and selfish you had been.

Begging him to understand what strength this rage had given you.

How it had for years and years and years sustained you and kept you safe from harm.

Begging him to know that you loved him in an inexplicably unrelenting way.

And he answered you in kind, finally reaching to wipe away the tears on your cheek that mirrored his own.

He shifted closer to you, the ice of your heart cracking though not melting the closer the heat of his heart pressed forward against the barriers you both haphazardly rebuilt and dismantled as the day now greeted the first dimming shades of night, coming to a clear draw.

You sat on the floor of the garden before your family who waited, patiently throughout the deconstruction.

He pressed his lips to the top of your head.

And you whimpered into his chest as his welcoming arms finally received you, his earnest touch finding your womb.

“But I cared about you. I cared about you more than I cared about myself. I was willing to do anything you asked. I cared about what you thought of me...and that’s all that ever mattered to you.”

[pyrogina]

my keto experience

Intro/TL:DR

As a preface I can report that I lost 17lbs in 30 days while strictly adhering to a keto diet.  I'm a 34 year old canadian woman who works from home as an artist and a huge helping factor for me was the freedom to stay home on the bad days and the ability to purchase fresh meats and vegetables on a weekly basis. This is a really tough diet but if you put the right pieces in place, it might work for you too.  Additionally, I am NOT a dietitian/nutritionist in any way, shape, or form.  Everything posted here is from my own experience and a modicum of research on the net.  Please double-check my facts before you begin this diet for yourself.

Is keto for you?

The first and hardest question to ask yourself about a ketosis diet is, Can I Endure this? And you should not feel any guilt if the answer to that question is no, because this is a very invasive and aggressive diet that will cause you physical pain even if just for a brief amount of time. Similar to vegetarianism, or is extreme cousin, veganism, a keto diet involves cutting out large swaths of the food pyramid to facilitate this diet. This does not mean going hungry, the foods that are removed will be replaced with other foods, only without any (or minimal) artificial or natural sugars. Sugar is just a chemical, which doesn't sound like a huge sacrifice, right? Most adults don't bother adding sugar to anything other than tea or coffee, but sugar is much more deeply rooted in our lives than you may realize.

Carbohydrates can be found in virtually every type of ready-to-serve foods: breads, wraps, pastas, fried snacks, hors d'oeuvre (these are examples of things I ate before this diet). All of these delicious and very satisfying foods have a fiber content and sugar content. You're still allowed to consume these, and I encourage you do so, but make sure to monitor the grams of total carbohydrates you consume that day. During this diet you will only be allowed to consume 20 grams (to 50 grams, depending on your body and personal needs) a day. remember this. Those 20 grams of carbs maybe the difference between you having a normal day and one of the worst days of your life.

Before I chose to begin a keto diet, I had been exercising casually (as before I was sedentary, more details on this later) and consuming about half as many carbohydrates as I had normally done in my life before. During the two years I was living this way, I was able to lose approximately 20lbs (from about 230 to 210).  If you're starting your diet or lifestyle change from scratch, maybe try starting here first.  Its significantly slower (10lbs in nearly a year), but it will not cause any pain or significant inconvenience.

What’s the big deal?/What to eat?

Sugar is a chemical, and more than that, its a drug that your body has been dependent on since you were a wee baby in your mama’s belly.  Sugar makes your brain work and when you mess with your brain’s intake of the all-important-life-sauce it goes into panic mode. In the first 2-3 days (up to 6 if your me!) you will literally, physically go into a state of depression.  Many had described it to me as ‘keto flu’ but as a survivor of 2009s Swine flu, I can most assuredly tell you that keto is much, MUCH worse.

First, my appetite became very finicky (and i'm already a very picky eater).  I had no desire to eat the genuinely tasty keto meals that my boyfriend had lovingly prepared.  I didn't want to draw, and I wasn't even in the mood to play easy video games.  All I felt like doing was crying or sleeping (which I did, for 9 hours in the middle of my 3rd day).  This is why, whenever I speak to someone who’s even moderately interested in this diet to BOOK TIME OFF YOUR JOB!!! It’s inconceivable to me to be forced to face other human beings in this state of physical distress.  You need to pamper yourself while in this state in order to endure it and ensure your success.

There was one more bump in the road around the one-week point but i'm fairly certain it came down to a combination of dehydration and moodiness (period) so perhaps that was an outlier.  Either way, water is the key when you start feeling shitty.  Get yourself a nice BPA-free water bottle that you're comfortable carrying around and keeping full of fresh water.  Once your body is in ketosis (you can check using those little paper sticks you pee on from the drug store, wash your hands!) you will get tired and moody the very instant you become hungry at mealtimes.  Sometimes you don't even feel the familiar hunger pangs from your previous diet and mistake it for just a general bad mood. Always have a sip of water, babes; that’s your brain telling you to hydrate.

Alternatively, after eating a keto meal you still may feel hungry or unsatisfied, even sad (longing for your favourite dessert).  This is where those 20g of carbs come in pretty clutch.  Finding your perfect portion of reward may be impossibly difficult, I can only tell you what made me feel better when I got the cravings.  Blueberries are quite sweet, they have a lot of natural sugar, but a handful of them sufficed as an incredibly sweet treat (some keto dieters have proclaimed that ‘regular things taste much sweeter than before’, I didn't experience this). Minigo/iogo yoghurt cups are fatty and sweet and work as a decent replacement to ice cream (count the carbs!).  On extra tough mornings (in addition to bacon and eggs! Totally keto!) we would split a cavendish oven-fried hashbrown (about 15g; 7.5g split between my partner and I).

There are a surprising amount of natural foods that are not keto, but in careful proportions, can be incorporated into a daily keto diet.  Most every fruit (that I checked) is very sugary but can make for a nice dessert.  Certain vegetables like carrots or potato have too many carbs to be anything more than a boost when you feel shitty. Red onions have a very small amount of carbs (sugar and fibre work together to your benefit!) and server to replace pasta as a side to a nice steak dinner.

On that note, you need fibre to make your BMs move.  Cutting carbs from your life means your number 2’s go bunny mode…. Take a sugar-free metamucil on any day where you have more meat during a meal than other types of food, or the toilet will be a nightmare.

Meals:

Cutting away pastas, breads, and other sides seems like an insane task but with some discipline and creativity, it's quite manageable.  Breakfast didn't change much: eggs any way (sunny side for me, cheddar omelette for my BF) with bacon or sausage. Lunch was some combination of chicken breast and various salads (so many salad dressings are low or no carb! Read the back!). On steak night, we replace noodles with sauteed red onions fried and seasoning.  Snacktime was usually pre-sliced cheddar cheese (go NUTS that shit is A-OK!), unsalted peanuts (other nuts have marginally more carbs, almonds and sunflower are moderate, check what works for you), or small amounts of beef jerky.  Accompany those snacks with a big drink of water, or if you've had enough of that, certain drinks are acceptable like tea or coffee (with sweetner and high fat milk, skim milk is too sugary), diet sodas, sugarfree drink mix (migo, nestea).  Just remember water, water, water.

Is it worth it? Pros/Cons

Cons:

-HURTS LIEK DRUG WITHDRAWL (you're literally coming down from the lifelong chemical addiction of sugar.  It hurts like Trainspotting)

-MEAT (you will be consuming a lot of animal product)

-POOP (even when you have your metamucil, the toilet can take some time)

-SWEETS (the cravings for your favourite yumyums will almost never stop, it takes monk-like discipline)

-BORING (you can't go out and enjoy meals/drinks with friends and family without them or the restaurant making odd or even crappy exceptions.  Keto menu options are slowly becoming popular though)

-TIRED (the first week or two will be very tedious and you won’t have any energy, even your favourite hobbies may seen unfulfilling for a time)

-ALCOHOL (basically none, unless you like vodka and sugarfree mix, you'll get drunk a lot quicker and end up feeling shittier without carbs in your body to process the liquor)

Pros:

-INSTANT RESULTS (in my first week i lost nearly 10lbs, and then two for every subsequent week. note that, just like any diet, there will be bounce-back)

-APPETITE LOSS (once you get into the swing of this, after the 2 week mark, you’ll find you no longer are pained when your hungry and the bigger cravings subside)

-BUDGET (this is a bit of an odd one and may not necessarily reflect your cost benefits.  Before engaging in this diet, my BF and I discovered we were spending too much money on restaurants and leaving the food in the fridge to waste.  This was primarily because we were too lazy to cook.  Getting off our asses and cooking 6 days of the week made an immediate impact on this for us.  If you already do that, this won't apply.  Concurrently, we spent more money at the grocery store ensuring we always had fresh meat and vegetables; this did net us positive)

-REWARDING MEALS (having to stop and think about what it takes to make a tasty and satisfying meal has forced us to look at things in a different way.  Making yourself and your partner a healthy, supremely tasty meal gets those endorphins peaking)

-EXERCISE (Unnecessary! Your choice! Just note that building muscle increases your weight as muscle weights more than fat)

My fave meals:

-Coffee (reluctantly replacing 1tsp of sugar with a fairy-dust sprinkling of sweetner cos i HATE sweetner, its 20-30x stronger than sugar so you only need 1/20th as much)

-Eggs and bacon!!! (sausage sometimes too)

-Garlic grilled chicken with spinach salad (onions, sliced almonds, feta, dressing)

-Steak and red onions (meat rare and onions grilled with seasoning)

-Spicy ground pork tacos (replace the taco/burrito with large boston lettuce leaves, shredded cheddar, green onions, diced tomato, dab of ranch sauce)

-Baked chicken breast stuffed with ricotta and spinach, topped with parmesan

-Slow-cooked pulled pork slathered with sharp cheddar (just eat with a fork!)

-Baked shrimp with garlic butter and parmesan

-Jalapenos stuffed with ricotta, cream cheese and cheddar, then wrapped in a strip of bacon (great late-night snack)

-Even changing the texture of a cheese can change the taste of the meal.  Shredded cheddar adds a salty bite to a lettuce wrap, grated parmesan can trick a baked chicken breast into thinking its breaded.  creamy cheeses can replace other baking sauces entirely.

-Diet pops (make sure its 0 sugar!), and tea/coffees with sweetner are fine, they do contain a lot of sodium though, make sure to drink 1-for-1 with water (meaning: every diet coke or tea you have, accompany it with the same amount of plain water so your body can process it and pee it out).

Variations/Control:

Vitamins: It should be noted that I take a daily multivitamin (C3+D) as I generally don't get enough sun or fruits.  I highly recommend you take these just in general. They help keep skin soft and blemish free (I initially began taking these because of acne on upper arms and it cleared within days).

Activity: As briefly mentioned earlier, I began shifting from sedentary (not moving much, sitting for hours a day) to a more active lifestyle about 2-3 years ago. This entailed a personal regimen of making an attempt at physical activity approximately half the days of the month (period week was generally excluded).  Every other day I would attempt one of the following: walking at least 2km, 15-20m of floor exercises (‘lady push-ups’, sit-ups), 15-20m of time on the indoor bike, or an hour of house related chores (lifting, laundry, cleaning, anything that involves getting sweaty).  In addition to these, yoga is peppered into my lifestyle as frequently as possibly, particularly in the morning before breakfast. On days where i'm unable to exercise, I at least attempt the basic yoga poses to stave off my (no-longer chronic) back pain.

[aestheticvoyage2019]

Day 93: Wednesday April 3, 2019 - “Peppers”

The garden has really started to spring to life as even the seeds that were planted have started to come through.  We have veggies started to show and today I actually ate my first treat out of the garden - a nice green pepper!  It wasnt totally fully cooked yet, but had a spot on it that was only going to get worse, so I took it while I could enjoy it, and it was good indeed, maybe even better with the knowing it was first.   The Spinach and lettuce is looking good, the squash plant growing strong.  Seeing the first peek of tomatoes and cucumber plants.  Lots of different peppers planted including some red peppers that I hope to dry and learn some tricks from Bill.  Even the mint is thriving getting ready for Derby day! Every day Im out contemplating it and making sure its got the right water and I know Havarti is too, evidenced by the paw prints he doesnt bother covering up.  At least he hasnt knocked anything over yet.  Going to start getting harder for him though plants coming in.

I set an intention for the year to take on a new hobby, and aside for the sushi rolling skills Im working on honing, gardening has become my other daily love.  It reminds me of those days as a kid when we always had a big garden.  Just feels right.   Gotta worry about watering this one more, but thats ok!  Farming is somewhere in my DNA, and my soul and stomach both know that garden grown tomatoes taste better. It will be fun to see how the year unfolds and If Im able to maintain this set all the way through to frost.  Ill be looking for help from some master gardeners as I go, and will learn some stuff.   As I chewed that pepper I remembered that I had planned to start a garden journal, like a farmers almanac of what worked here and what didnt and what dates things took on.  Its been quite the investment over the past month to get to this point, but I love how much it livens up our backyard, and I look forward to reaping what we’ve sowed...if only the dog would stay out of it!  

One other real bright spot has been that old mesquite tree I like to sit under, and houses the bird feeder, its also blown up with neon green leaves!  Everything is alive and bright and GREEN out here!

Song: Clayton Landau - Vegetables

Quote:  “I take out salad ingredients, vegetables, herbs and several knives: peeler, smooth-bladed and serrated. I cut half a cucumber into cubes, then move onto the mushrooms which I slice into little slithers, I go back to the cucumber, cutting wafer-thin slices, skip to topping and tailing green beans, pop whole beetroots into the oven, I scoop the flesh out of avocados and grapefruits, and put the chard into boiling water. The whole idea is not to get bored. The theory, because I have a theory about peeling things, is to leave room for random opportunities. With cooking, as with everything else, we tend to curb our instincts. Speed and chaos allow for a slight loss of control. Cutting vegetables into different shapes and sizes encourages combinations which might not have been thought of otherwise. In a salad of mushrooms, cucumber and lamb's lettuce, the chervil needs to stay whole, in sprigs, to make a contrast because the other ingredients are so fine, almost transparent, and slippery. If its thin stems and tiny branches didn't contradict the general sense of languor- accentuated by the single cream instead of olive oil in the dressing- the whole thing would descend into melancholy.”  ― Agnès Desarthe

[theaveragekenyan]

Hungry Heart...

Hungry Heart.

A quick game of ‘Family Fortunes’. (Family Fortunes the game show where the answers were requested from a publicly polled question, i.e)

Q = Name a type of American Food.

A = Hamburger ....our survey says, Hamburger ✅ Top answer.

Next;

Q - Name a type of Italian Food.

A = Pizza …our survey says, Pizza ✅ Top Answer

Next;

Q - Name a type of Kenyan food.

A = Ugali…our survey says, Ugali ✅ Top Answer. 

I’m confident the above responses would be the most popular answers to those questions if a survey were taken on the streets of Nairobi today.  

Ask Donald Trump, what’s better than a Hamburger? Juicy, succulent ground beef with tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, pickle, mustard, ketchup all held together by an air pumped bread bun…nothing fake at all about that. 

Or what about a Pizza? oven fired circular dough, topped with an infinite amount of cheese options under any mix of vegetables and meat varieties…a billion deliveries every year can’t be wrong.

And let’s not forget a Kenyan staple, Ugali, ground maize meal, mixed with boiling water and then formed into a solid white ball. Delicious, well, ok…it’s not really delicious…it’s more a way of life and enjoyed because there’s very little other choice. 

Kenyan Food is interesting, because historically, food has developed into…well…food.

The food theory hasn’t moved too far away from the ‘don’t eat, die’ philosophy rather than into fancy cuisine. 

This is why I find the average Kenyan meal to be “BnB”, basic and bland, and Ugali has to stand right up there as a great example of BnB food.

Ugali has various names across Africa and is eaten by many, so African’s aside, It is a guarantee that all foreigner’s will be quizzed by Kenyan’s to find out if they have eaten Ugali. If the answer is yes, the next question will be ‘do you like Ugali?’

And this is when the foreigner will become increasingly awkward, stutter and generally skirt around the BnB fact. The foreigner will mince out cloaked enthusiasm and say “Yes…I’ve tried it…it’s nice…I…..like it” blatantly, the foreigner doesn’t want to get anywhere near describing it’s taste or what it’s eaten with. Essentially anything to not offend the Kenyan national dish.

Then, in the not too distant future, the foreigner will be with the person, that asked all of the Ugali questions, when Lunch is served. 

Naturally, the foreigner will be bumped up to pole position in the queue for food.

The food will be covered, all the lids down on the large metallic serving trays and then one by one up they pop. First serving tray open and it’s a large fresh tray of steaming Ugali.

As the cellophane is proudly pealed away,  “Ugali” announces the Kenyan “You said Ugali is nice” 

Now the food server hears this and loves it, how they laugh as the heavy serving spoon sinks into the epic Ugali field. The foreigner is now looking at the true scale of Ugali, out comes a Rugby ball sized portion and is placed on their plate “is that enough?” the server asks without irony. 

“Yes, plenty, Asantee” squirms the foreigner politely. On piles the rest of lunch, but there’s not much room on the plate for anything else. So the foreigner sits down at a table, with their plate of Ugali and other small scale assorted bitings, as the Kenyan’s join.

They all ask the same question “Oh, you like Ugali?” “Yes, I do, but this is a little bit too much for me” replies the foreigner, only to be met with “Oh that’s not much really” from the Kenyan’s, the foreigner looks around and realises this is no lie, food is stacked up on top of Ugali which rises up to peoples chests, steam touching their chins. The foreigner takes the first enthusiastic fork full to barrels of laughter 

“Eat it with your hands” say the Kenyans, 

“We eat Ugali with our hands” the advice continues to come in. 

The foreigner now has to quickly scan around to check how that’s done, they see many shovelling hands with golf ball sized portions of Ugali, scooping up sauce and trapping bits of meat and spinach. The foreigner gives it a go, but soon realise they’ve broken off too much Ugali and now their ball is the size of a Tennis ball. Oh dear, now they’ve got to eat up more Ugali than they thought they ever could. Each bite feels like it’s draining brain juice as their mouth dries to resemble the Sahara desert. There’s easily still 4 more bites of the Ugali ball to go. It’s time for evasive action, “hmmmm tha wath delithuth” splutters the foreigner as they stand up, turn around and spit their mouths content onto their plate and scrape it into the bin, I’ll never eat Ugali again they tell themselves.  

I think the closest comparison to Ugali would be Mashed Potatoes, well mashed potatoes if you don’t add salt, pepper, butter and milk. At least with mashed spuds, the extra additions don’t stop there; cheese, beetroot, butternut, Brussels, balsamic vinegar, mustard, soy sauce, chilli sauce all work to break up the classic spud recipe’s monotony.  Nothing like that with Ugali, oh hang on…it can be made either white or brown…the only difference being, brown Ugali soaks up your blood. 

Speaking of Mashed Potato, there is a fancy mash version here called Mukimo, it’s very nice. It’s bright green and has whole kernels of hard maize in it. I prefer it to Ugali, but it’s definitely one to serve yourself and not have a Kenyan do it for you. 

For the the larger part of Kenya, food is readily available, but with the poverty found in such places as the Nairobi slums, food has to be simple and within a ridiculously low daily budget, people don’t have too much of a choice to be flambéing duck or questioning how many times their chips have been deep fried. 

From my travels, I’ve noticed that many Kenyan meals will have been cooked for a good proportion of the day. Usually a slow cook involves beans and pulses, incredibly healthy, wholesome and organic, but also served incredibly dull. It’s essentially a bean stew with little flavour or signature kick. It’s like a can of ‘no frills vegetable soup’ that’s been boiled for 5 hours. It has a certain appeal, but it’s nothing special, yet to talk to a Kenyan about boiled beans or “Githeri” as it’s called, is, as if, it is some kind of speciality cuisine. Each region seems to have it’s own version, but the variety doesn’t seem to change that much, maybe one region adds carrots or potatoes and that’s about it. I guarantee, if that dish had originated in one of the poorest regions of China, it would be a real delicacy now. Sure you’d get the odd bat claw stuck between your teeth, but nonetheless, I imagine it would be an overall tastier experience than “Githeri”. Thanks Chef’s of Kenya, but I’ll stick with the English delicacy of baked beans on toast, cupboard to table in less than 10 minutes. 

That slow cooking style reverberates through many culinary styles. In fact, most food is slow cooked, this is why the over 70’s love eating here. Pasta is never al-dente, cabbage doesn’t come with a crunch, meat is a lottery as to how how much jaw action will be needed and eggs are always over cooked. Unless you’re in a Western priced Hotel or restaurant, food is never considered to be served ‘just cooked’, I’m yet to find a boiled salad, but I know it’s out there. Note to self, Boiled Salad, somebody get me Heston Blumenthal. 

The word Koroga means 'to stir’ in Swahili. A ‘foody’ experience, that is often talked about, is the Koroga. This is apparently a uniquely Kenyan Swahili experience. However, from my experience, what I was told about a Koroga and what I actually encountered at a Koroga were two completely different experiences.

This is what I was told about a Koroga.

A Koroga is a get together of family and friends who will start the event off by selecting meats, vegetables, herbs and spices and then start adding them all into a large pot. These ingredients will be cooked by the party as as the pot is regularly stirred by the party, whilst  allowing everything to cook for about 4-5 hours.

A Curry based BBQ, I mean that sounds like a proper great time. 

No, not quite, in fact from my experience, this is what actually happens.

A Koroga is a get together of family and friends who, once everyone has arrived and is indicated to start will instruct a Chef to add meat, vegetables, herbs and spices into a large pan and then cook everything for the guests, this will be then served 3-4 hours later when the most stirred things are the guests who are totally shit-faced from all the boozing whilst waiting for the food to be cooked. I just think the Koroga idea hasn’t really been properly thought out. It’s closest relative the BBQ or Braai work extremely well, but its USP is about DIY food and standing around the grill complaining. The Koroga’s USP is that the Chef decided to cook everything outside rather than in the kitchen, sorry, I just don’t get the appeal. 

One dish that is cooked quickly, at least I think it’s cooked quickly, is Nyama Choma. 

Translated literally - Nyama is meat - Choma is burn.  A Meat Burn. 

“I’ve heard it’s going to be lovely on Saturday, so you’re all invited around to ours for a Meat Burn” 

Fortunately, the meat isn’t burnt, not like at UK BBQ’s,

The choices of meat are;

Mbuzi = Goat. 

Kuku = Chicken. 

Nyama = any other type of Red Meat that is from a Cow. 

Sorry Lamb and Pork, this scene is not for you, go find your own Meat Burn.

Just like any badly managed BBQ/Braai, the final cook quality is hit and miss, the hits involve nice juicy tender bites of meat and sucked out marrowbone.  The misses include, chewy, sinewy, fatty meat if you can find it, and once again the experience lacks imagination. The only seasoning you will get is salt and there will only be one accompaniment to the meat which is called Kachumbari, a mix of tomato, onion and chilli.

So Kenyan Meat Burn’s are for the real purists only. I do love Nyama Choma though, if not just for it’s back to basic 10,000 BC appeal. 

One experience I never tire of, is a Kenyan breakfast in a Hotel. The breakfast routine follows the International standard of the best planned meal of the day. It starts at the Juice bar and ends up at the bloated Pig table. There’s always a great choice at a Kenyan breakfast, although many will be disappointed at the lack of bacon on offer, that’s because Kenyan’s prefer sausages to Bacon hands down. 

I like that many of the previous nights dinner offerings will be now re-served for breakfast. So there are always surprises to be had like Green Banana Curry, Githeri, Fish stew, Roast Potatoes, Lentil Stew and anything else that didn’t get eaten the night before.

Hands down, my favourite experience of a Kenyan breakfast is observing the Egg Chef. You’ll know it’s the Egg Chef because they will be dressed like the top google image search for Chef. 

The egg is treated with the most respect, kept separately and away from all the other dishes that are hidden underneath aluminium lids. The Eggs will never come into contact with the mixed up serving spoons covered in bean juice and banana curry, they are not good enough for the eggs. But wait, what’s this, what’s hiding underneath here?, oh it’s the Hard Boiled Eggs, the common, dirty poor bastard parent of the free and easy, liberated, naked eggs that the Egg Chef will caress and massage into a beautiful work of art. 

The Egg chef will be situated at the start of the line, but when you want him, he won’t be there. I say he, the Egg Chef is always a he, no Woman in Kenya is considered prestigious enough to do this job. The Egg Chef and Kenyan President are two Jobs women will never perform. 

So what tends to happen is this, in the absence of the Egg Chef people will pile up their plates first. Then the Egg Chef appears exactly when he wants, just like the true artist he is, only then will the egg orders be taken. 

Now the only cooking utensils the Egg Chef possesses are a frying pan and a spatula. So this limits the type of egg available to either a Fried Egg or an Omelette. I always like to joke I’ll take a poached Egg, but it’s short-lived because nobody understands what I’m saying. Don’t be getting technical with the Egg Chef, his position of authority is untouchable. 

Fried Eggs will be cooked in either two choices, “cooked” or “sunny side up”. The majority of times I’ve requested Sunny Side Up, the eggs have been served closer to raw, which is a little too avant-garde for me. So, they have to be sent back which will be re-served ‘cooked’. 

My advice, request cooked. 

If you’re asking for an omelette it will be either served “with everything” or “without everything”. “Without everything” is a plain egg omelette “With everything” is an Omelette mixed with finely chopped onion, capsicum and chilli pepper. Both Omelette varieties are good, but as previously mentioned, they will be “cooked”, i.e a properly cooked through, no nonsense, fuss free, nothing moving, Omelette. That said, they go down well and the pomp and circumstance of the occasion overrides any need for a fancy, modern, runny consistency. 

I’ve spoken to many people that blame the style of Kenyan food on Colonisation. 

Typical, blame the Brits for bequeathing a bland stereotypical diet. 

This is not true, because anyone that says they don’t like British Cuisine then goes onto say, except they like Pork Pie, Mr Kipling Cakes, Sausage Rolls, Full English Breakfast, Chicken Tikka Masala, Black Pudding, Sausage and Mash, Fish and Chips, Mushy Peas, Deep Fried Mars Bar, Jammie Dodgers, Sunday Roast, The Tasting Menu at The Fat Duck, Gordon Ramsey swearing, Monster Munch, Jellied Eels and Roast Badger. 

There, conclusive evidence that England has a varied and incredibly well established culinary tradition of original and modern food. 

So whilst there is an excellent and extensive varied selection of Kenyan restaurants, serving truly excellent food, once you step outside of all that and roam into the realms of “lazy” Kenyan food, you will be craving Pickled Onion Monster Munch all day long. 

[sfarticles]

What’s in your favorite chef’s refrigerator?

You can’t judge a book by its cover, but what can you tell about a chef by what is in their refrigerator?

Chefs are intriguing in what they cook, perhaps in how they dress and by what’s in their home refrigerators. Their creations shape food culture and become an indelible part of our experience from their restaurants to our kitchens. They make food delicious and create works of art beyond our wildest dreams. But what happens when the chef hat, jacket and checkered pants come off and they’re at home? Are their home fridges stocked with exotic produce, hard-to-find meat and fish and high-end condiments, similar to what you would find at the restaurant? Or, is it the opposite, filled with just the basics, or perhaps some items they might even be embarrassed to mention?

One of my favorite features in Food Network Magazine is the kitchen “tours” of famous chefs’ kitchens and pantries. In my Chef du Jour columns, where I interview chefs, it is always interesting to find out what local chefs keep in their home fridge. I was thrilled when “Chefs’ Fridges: More than 35 World-Renowned Cooks Reveal What they Eat at Home,” by Carrie Solomon and Adrian Moore (2020, Harper Design, $40) was published. In one book, I can satisfy my craving for taking a look into some of the world’s most esteemed chefs’ personal kitchens. In a couple of days, I was able to “travel” to the kitchens of Alice Waters, Jean-Georges Vongerichten, Daniel Boulud, Jose Andres and other esteemed chefs. Having met Carla Hall at a food conference, I chose to feature her chapter here.

Some of you might know of Carla from “The Chew,” where she was co-host, or from when she won over audiences on “Top Chef.” She has appeared on “Good Morning America,” creating recipes from her cookbooks. Hall has been a judge on Netflix’s “Crazy Delicious” as well as “Bakeaway Camp with Martha Stewart” on The Food Network. The accountant turned runway model turned celebrity chef found her culinary calling as she ate traveling through Europe while modeling.

Each chef’s entry contains an essay that sheds light on his or her personal and culinary background; photographs of the contents of their refrigerators to see what they really eat at home; a Q&A; an informal portrait in their kitchen; and a recipe or two. You’ll feel as if you are having a conversation with a great chef as they stand before an open fridge, deciding what to eat.

Here are some excerpts from Carla Hall’s chapter.

Current hometown: Washington, D.C.

Show that made her: “Top Chef.”

Signature style: Cooking with love — and her Southern-influenced food.

Best known for: Cooking with Strahan and Sara; her co-hosting days on ABC’s “The Chew”; and her cookbooks including “Carla Hall’s Soul Food: Every Day and Celebration.”

Fridge: Liebherr.

Something we’d never find in your fridge? “Honestly even if I had canned cranberry sauce in there, if I want it and I’m buying it, it’s OK. I can’t be food-shamed.”

Where do you go food shopping in New York? “Trader Joe’s around the corner, Fairway, the farmers market on Wednesdays at Union Square. One thing I have never done is order my groceries online. Another thing I don’t do here is order delivery. When you are not from that mindset it is strange. I do a little carryout, but I can count the number of times I have done it here. In D.C., I shop at Whole Foods, as it’s close to my house, and a daily farmers market. I like shopping there because I can taste. I can get onesies — just one of something.”

What is next to your refrigerator? “A standing pot rack. I have to do a lot of recipe testing, so I need a variety of pots and pans and I got this pot tree to make it easier. Now when I’m cooking for myself I use them more often, too.”

Any clever uses for leftovers? “For me if I cook a soup, I will eat it every single day until it’s done. I have no problem with leftovers. Sometimes if I make a pureed soup I will later use it for a sauce.”

Any New York City food memories? “The first time that I came to New York, I went to see Bubbling Brown Sugar and that changed my world — it was after seeing it that I imagined I wanted to be an actress. After the play, my other grandmother, Thelma, made fried chicken at my uncle’s apartment in Harlem. Because he didn’t have anything in his fridge, she went out and got flour, salt and pepper. It was the best fried chicken I ever had.”

What were your biggest crowd-pleasers during your catering years? “I would say curry chicken salad on croissants and also biscuits with smoked turkey. I still make the same biscuits.”

Guilty pleasure? “Chocolate sauce over ice cream. Although I don’t have any right now.”

You said you really like oatmeal. Do you prefer steel-cut or quick oats? “I don’t like quick oats. I love toasted steel-cut oats. I make the oats with half fruit juice and half water. I also love savory oats with spinach and kefir — yes! There is a store here called OatMeals. I eat a lot of oatmeal and I can talk to people for days about oats.”

What are your favorite things to snack on while you cook? “I usually eat the ends of the vegetables I am cutting. I snack on nuts and grapes, too.”

Shrimp Wedge Salad

The headnote says, “I like this dish, inspired by Laura Prepon, because everything cooks in a packet (which basically poaches the shrimp in its juices), the pan stays clean, it’s ready in eight minutes, and your place won’t smell like fish. The lemon slices are the secret to not overcooking the shrimp.”

For the shrimp:

1 vine-ripened tomato

1 pound extra-large shrimp, peeled and deveined

2 scallions, sliced on the bias

2 garlic cloves, thinly sliced

1 teaspoon lemon zest

1 tablespoon lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/8 teaspoon chili flakes

2 lemons, sliced

For the salad:

1 head romaine lettuce

2 tablespoons crumbled feta

2 tablespoons chopped Spanish olives

1/4 cup minced flat-leaf parsley

1 tablespoon minced chives

For the shrimp: Cut the tomato in half. Squeeze the juice from one half in a bowl. Reserve the other half for the salad. Add the shrimp and all ingredients through chili flakes to the bowl. Mix well.

Prepare a parchment packet: Cut two 15-inch squares of parchment paper and one of aluminum foil. Lay the parchment paper on top of the aluminum foil and then line it with the lemon slices. Place the shrimp mixture on top of the parchment paper. Fold all the ends together firmly to make a tightly sealed packet.

inside Carla Hall’s fridge

Recipe and images courtesy of “Chefs’ Fridges: More than 35 World-Renowned Cooks Reveal What they Eat at Home,” by Carrie Solomon and Adrian Moore (2020, Harper Design, $40)

[lekkerbru-uk]

Is biltong healthy? 8 Interesting health benefits of biltong.

Biltong is a fantastic dried meat snack which originates from South Africa, but is biltong healthy for you? There are many health benefits of biltong and I'm going to outline some of them in this blog. If you want to learn more, you can also check out our ultimate biltong guide. Most people enjoy biltong and can’t help reaching for more when it comes to snacking and let's face it we love snacking in the UK. While everything is good in moderation, biltong is one of the better snacks to enjoy. Especially when it comes to swapping it out for your favourite naughty snacks. But when you dig into the detail, is biltong healthy for you in everyday life? Let's explore some of the health benefits of biltong.

Hearty health benefits of biltong

Biltong has only around 75 calories per 25-gram serving. Fewer calories than most other snacks. It's a great alternative when you feel like something tempting to nibble on, such as potatoes crisps or chocolate. One of the most important health benefits of biltong.Biltong is rich in protein at around 16 grams per 25-gram serving, it's also very low in carbohydrates at less than 1 gram. In fact, 25 grams of beef biltong can meet half your daily protein requirement. Perfect for gym and exercise. Being high in protein, it makes for the perfect post-workout snack. It stores well at room temperature and for ages, perfect for your gym bag and also for those hiking trips or bike rides and where you are out of the house for the whole day. Our Lekker Bru Biltong is vacuum packed, it's light and locks in the freshness of the meat and won’t spoil due to the drying and spices we use.No artificial ingredients or preservatives. Well, not our Lekker Bru Biltong anyway. We use traditional spices with all-natural ingredients you will be familiar with like salt, pepper, vinegar, coriander and paprika. Is biltong healthy even with preservatives? Yes, but natural ingredients are always better.Biltong is low in fat and gluten-free, usually averaging 3%, which makes it a popular weight-reducing diet choice. One of the most overlooked health benefits of biltong. High-protein diets typically include large quantities of protein and only a small amount of carbohydrate. Most people can follow a high-protein diet by eating meat, fish, dairy products, beans and legumes, eggs, and vegetables that are relatively rich in protein, such as asparagus and spinach.It is high in Vitamin B12 and Iron, which is essential for healthy blood and nerve cells as well as successful cell replication. It has enough iron to make up 35% of your daily amount.Biltong for teething. A great alternative to a teething ring for babies well over 3 months old. This should be done with caution and never give to young babies as it could become a choking hazard. It is also beneficial during pregnancy especially to help increase iron levels. Remember to avoid moist biltong during pregnancy and stick to trusted and reliable sources. Is biltong healthy for babies? Yes, but if in doubt chat to your GP about the health benefits of biltong or check out the NHS website. You can also use biltong in your cooking and meals. Biltong goes beautifully with fresh fruit flavours such as avocado or mango. You can add it to salads, stir it into scrambled eggs, add to a baked bread or tart with cheese for that amazing added flavour and a skinny protein boost. If you have lots of biltong kicking around the house, rather than being tempted to scoff it down in one. A good tip is to pack it into 25-50g daily snack portions for the week. Keeping it ready to grab and go, especially handy for day trips with the kids.

Is biltong healthy when eaten every day?

Like most things biltong is best in moderation, too much of anything is typically not good for you. Biltong is high in protein and low in carbohydrates making it a popular choice for muscle building and gym-going fitness fanatics. It’s got loads of Vitamin B12, naturally low in fat and is usually gluten-free. Although most commercial spice mixes tend to have traces of gluten.  There are different health benefits of biltong from different suppliers, so check the details. Not all biltong is equal, a lot of supermarkets or mass-produced biltong include extra preservatives. We make our Lekker Bru Biltong the natural way. In South Africa meat is a massive part of our culture, but is biltong healthy when eaten every day? It is the fat in meat that can have long term health effects on you. So if you enjoy very lean meat like game meat (like our pheasant birdtong) then it’s ok to enjoy on a regular basis, but if you enjoy fat-rich biltong then moderation is key. Shop now Read the full article

[tolathachuxui]

[GRAD 701] [Design Studio V] Interview 4 20/04/2020, 2:39pm

Week 5,

What do you do for a living? Practicing artist since 2002, freelance design since 2013, teach as a secondary high school teacher since 2015

For how long? [Answered in first question.]

3 Words to describe yourself…  systematic, gamer, indecisive  

3 life goals… ensured I completed tertiary education, to be successful at anything I apply myself to, try all the butter chicken in the world and find the best one

How do you start your day (no need to go into too much detail - lol)? School week: wake up at 5am, shower, wait for Jason (husband) leave home by 6 to teach 9-3

Tell us about your living situation. I live with my husband and our 2 cats. We are currently renting in Māngere, Auckland.

Favourite food and why? Chocolate, it is an addiction: when I was 15, I scored my first job at the supermarket making money and having chocolate on hand, it was easily attainable. Early on my mom would be chocolate biscuits and chocolates, Butter chicken. I. also like bananas ...anything chicken.

Relations with preparing your own food and/or takeaways? Since being in lockdown, prepping my food has been fairly easy. Both Jason and I are both good cooks and bakers... they are times when I get lazy, and all I want to do is order takeaways because it’s convenient ...we do often prep our own food.

How do you keep track of food quality? If we pre-prepped food, it usually has the date on the food that is being prepared. Normally we won't prepare anything longer than 5 days ...if smells off on day 5 or day 6, then it goes out.

Best before dates. Do you still ignore it? any rules of your own? I actually try to keep to the best before dates. If its tinned food and some packaged fruit ... if it’s preserved, it can actually last 3 months more than the best before date. The only reason why there's a best before date is to imply that you try to eat it by this date. The only rule that I have that if is been sealed and there's no damage to the product then it can keep for an extra month or 2.

What do you do if your food does expire? Why? Generally, smell test, the taste test, the look test: if it looks ok, if it smells ok, and tastes ok. it's still ok for like a day or 2. Generally try to eat it within that time frame. If it's off, then that goes in the bin.

How often do you forget about the existence of certain food products in your household? We try to limit how much food we have in the house. For example, we always have fresh fruit, we always make sure that the fresh fruit is in a place that is visible, so it always be at the kitchen table... We try to limit the amount of food we have in the house because there's only 2 of us... We’re not big eaters, the only time we forget about types of food would be pasta, but pasta has a long shelf life for forever and that’s the same as rice... and tin tomatoes...

Tell me a story about the last time you discovered spoiled food/ingredients? When I was at school, I always take my lunch to school every day... and there was a time I had in a sealed bag and in the sealed container... I completely forgot about it... And this one time, I left the container, my lunch bag, in the office... And I think I had left it in there over like a couple of weeks. It was chicken and salad and had cheese, I went back to it later when I realised there was a smell and I like pinpointed it in my bag, I went over to my bag and unzipped it and I freaked out, because when I opened it, inside the container, was like swarming maggots there was so many maggots... long story short, I threw the entire thing out excluding the bag... it was super gross.  

How did you feel about that? How did you react?  I was super embarrassed that I had left it there for such a long time, but at the same time, no body mentioned anything, so it was just like something I picked up fingers crossed. I'm really like scared of maggots and worms. When I see maggots, I would freak out.

Fridge vs Freezer vs Pantry effectiveness. How do you Categorise each item into each of the storage methods? Freezer - freeze food that I want to last longer than a week or if I'm not ready to use it: meat, frozen veges, fruit, bread, milk, pre-prepped meals, stews, casseroles.  Fridge-: spreads, condiments, large bottles, water, butter, eggs, fresh veges and fruit compartment: lettuce, spinach, cucumber, tomatoes... large cavity:  massive water jug, pre-prepped meals, pre-contained, pre-jarred...  pantry: soups, long-life milk...protein powders, almond milk, tablets, seeds, container of rice, tinned food, dried noodles... baking, oils, chippies, other appliances, booze and a large bag of flour...and some lunch stuff.

How do you feel about your food usage, how much food is thrown out on a weekly basis? In previous time, a lot of food was thrown out... but since moving into our new house, we’ve kind of restricted the amount of food that we have... I don't think we've thrown anything out since moving here (any food) because most of it has been eaten and rationed out properly.

What food items are the most thrown out? Usually it’s like cooked food...

Any interesting facts/information regarding food expiration in your household? Nope.  

Where did you get your food knowledge from? Ministry of health recommendations? Family? Many years ago, I did a food program, a cafe barista course... and working in hospitality has taught me a lot of things.

Your one “wish” when it comes to food expiration/quality. Affordability. Good quality food comes at a cost.

Your one "quote” when it comes to food expiration/quality.  “Try to stick to the date.”

[fatlier1-blog]

Everything a Paralympic Gold Medalist Does (and Eats) in a Week to Stay Fit

Sweat Diaries

Paralympic athlete Michelle Konkoly shares her Sweat Diary.

A class at The Bar Method. Photograph courtesy Michelle Konkoly.

Welcome to Sweat Diaries, Be Well Philly’s look at the time, energy, and money people invest in pursuit of a healthy lifestyle in Philly. For each Sweat Diary, we ask one Philadelphian to spend a week tracking everything they eat, all the exercise they get, and the money they spend on both. Want to submit a Sweat Diary? Email ccunningham@phillymag.com with details.

Who: Michelle Konkoly (@michellekonkoly), 26, from Midtown Village

What I do: Second year medical student at Sidney Kimmel Medical College at Thomas Jefferson University

What role healthy living plays in my life: Healthy living means taking care of my body by buying, preparing, and eating nourishing foods; getting plenty of sleep; and keeping my body strong, flexible, and conditioned by doing a diverse array of exercises. In 2011, I suffered a traumatic spinal cord injury that left me with a spine and heel fusion, and permanent weakness in my legs.  Since my injury, I have learned never to take anything my body can do for granted — I had to start from scratch to learn to walk again, and lost 30 pounds of muscle during my recovery.  After re-learning how to walk, I got involved in the Paralympics and won two gold, one silver, and one bronze medal in sprint freestyle swimming events at the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Paralympics! I’m proud of my muscle because I know how far I had to come to get where I am today.  Now, I’m focusing primarily on school, but I still go to swim meets when I can.

Health memberships: I purchased the “New Client Special” at Bar Method Rittenhouse, which 30 days unlimited for $99. I also have a membership at the Jefferson Recreation & Fitness Center, which was included with tuition.

Monday

Michelle Konkoly trains in the Jefferson pool. Photograph courtesy Michelle Konkoly.

7:10 a.m. — Alarm goes off, and I wake up and am out the door within five minutes to head to the pool at Jefferson. Fortunately, it’s only a three-minute walk!

7:30 a.m. — Swim at the Jefferson pool.  It’s a 20-yard pool, which is shorter than most pools, but we make it work!  One of my classmates swims with me and we do a tough 4000 yard aerobic workout. I swim faster than when we did the set last week so I am pumped!

8:45 a.m. — Showered, I walk back home and take my corgi, Ollie, out for a walk.

9:40 a.m. — Walk back to Jefferson’s campus for class and stop at dry cleaners on the way.

10 a.m. — Small group class. I eat my breakfast of papaya, pineapple, Greek yogurt, and chia seeds with a homemade latte (two shots and soymilk).  Someone brought in Isgro’s cannolis so I have to eat half of a cannoli as well!

11 a.m. — Facilitate a group for the first year medical students, and have another cup of coffee. Swimming in the morning makes you a special kind of tired.

12 p.m. — Walk to the University Health Center to get the PPD shot I need for volunteering. While I’m waiting, I snack on two leftover paleo chocolate chip cookies I made over the weekend.

2 p.m. — I finally get home, and eat lunch of a kale salad with avocado, carrots, tomatoes, and homemade carrot ginger dressing, plus slice of whole grain bread and some chocolate-covered almonds.

3 p.m. — I head to the Jefferson Library to overview the material for the week. I have three clementines and half a bottle of kombucha I got from the new Sprouts Market last week.

5:45 p.m. — I get home and walk Ollie to Washington Square Park. I finish an almost-empty bag of Skinny Pop kettle corn before I head to barre.

6:45 p.m. — Barre class at Bar Method Rittenhouse.

8 p.m. — Barre doesn’t make me nearly as hungry as swimming, but I’m still excited for my dinner that I prepped yesterday: sushi bowls!  I top some sushi rice with calamari salad my roommate didn’t want, plus some broccoli, edamame, pickled ginger, and nori strips. I also have some almonds and dates.

9 p.m. — Ok, the hunger caught up with me.  I go a little overboard on after dinner snacks tonight and have a sundae of tahini squares with an Enlightened fudgesicle, half a banana and coconut whip, and a slice of chocolate pumpkin bread. I went on a baking spree over the weekend and now have all these goodies sitting around tempting me.

10:30 p.m. — Finish studying and head to bed.

Daily total: $0

Tuesday

Weight lifting to work on fast-twitch muscles. Photograph courtesy Michelle Konkoly.

8:14 a.m. — Woke up without an alarm. I try to give myself one day a week to sleep in. Once out of bed, I take Ollie for a walk and then eat half a banana and half a slice of chocolate pumpkin bread.

9:15 a.m. — At the Jefferson gym, and I do a one-hour lift, focusing on upper body explosiveness. I have a swim meet coming up in December, and since I swim sprint freestyle, power and fast-twitch muscle work is so important!

10:30 a.m. — Come home, shower, and make a latte to drink as I listen to this morning’s recorded lectures.

A smoothie bowl for lunch. Photograph courtesy Michelle Konkoly.

12:15 p.m. – Make a smoothie bowl for lunch! I’m obsessed with my Vitamix blender. I make a smoothie out of frozen bananas, peaches, and spinach, almond milk, and Orgain vegan peanut butter protein powder, topped with homemade granola, cacao nibs, chia seeds, coconut, and fruit.  I finish off lunch with some chocolate covered almonds and salted almonds.

1 p.m. — I spend most of the afternoon continuing to work though this morning’s lecture material on dermatology. I walk into to Walgreens as a study break and buy tweezers and a pack of gum ($5.20).

2:45 p.m. — Finish the Sprouts kombucha, along with some more tahini bars (they’re so good!) and some fresh pineapple.

5 p.m. — I get ready for a Jefferson Gala event tonight at the Philadelphia 201 Hotel.  I Uber over with some friends and the venue is gorgeous!

Cake for dessert. Photograph courtesy Michelle Konkoly.

6 p.m. — At the reception, I have three pieces sushi and a glass of Champagne. For dinner, we’re served bread and salad, and I request the vegetarian entrée of risotto, carrots, and broccoli rabe. I’m not strictly vegetarian, but try to eat less meat whenever possible! Dessert is a beautiful chocolate mousse cake with fresh berries.

9:30 p.m. — Uber back home and walk the dog. I’m craving something crunchy, so I grab a few handfuls of Special K out of the box before getting into bed.

11 p.m. — Bed!

Daily total: $5.20

Wednesday

Michelle Konkoly has an unlimited membership at The Bar Method. Photograph courtesy Michelle Konkoly.

7:10 a.m. — Alarm goes off and I’m off to the pool.

7:30 a.m. — Swim a 3200-yard workout by myself. Today I used parachutes that are tied to my waist to add extra resistance. It’s tough but really helps me increase my sprint speed and power. I shower at the pool and then come home to walk Ollie.

10 a.m. — Grab my backpack and head to class.  I eat my yogurt with fruit and chia seeds and a latte — I make this breakfast the night before so I can just grab it and go.

12 p.m. — Class ends and I come home. I’ll never get over how hungry swimming makes me in comparison to other workouts!  I grab a couple almonds and pieces of caramel corn before taking Ollie out.

12:45 p.m. — Lunch is a bowl of kale, sushi rice, tofu, carrots, broccoli, and pickled ginger, plus a bit of spicy mayo on top! I also have an apple from when I went apple picking with my mom and sister last week.

2 p.m. — I head to the library and have three clementines as a snack.

3 p.m. — Every Wednesday we have “Cookie Hour” with the applicants interviewing at Jefferson. Current students can come to mingle and of course grab a cookie! Today they have strawberries and mini cheesecakes too, so during my break from the library I head over and have one of each!

5 p.m. — Come back home and have a snack before walking Ollie: a small bowl of Special K with cashew milk and freeze-dried strawberries and almonds.

6:45 p.m. — Barre at The Bar Method. It’s been fun to have the flexibility to try new workouts, rather than having to focus 100% on swimming, like I was during the time leading up to Rio.

Homemade sushi for dinner. Photograph courtesy Michelle Konkoly.

8 p.m. — Finally time for dinner! I use my sushi bowl meal prep ingredients to make two homemade rolls and have a glass of wine with them.

9 p.m. — As I’m sending emails and studying, I make a bag of light natural popcorn and mix in a few pieces of caramel corn.

10 p.m. — We still have Halloween candy lying around, so I have a couple pieces (Reese’s are my favorite!) before walking Ollie and heading to bed.

Daily total: $0

Thursday

Enlightened ice cream from Sprouts. Photograph courtesy Michelle Konkoly.

7:10 a.m. — Alarm goes off and I snoozed it for eight minutes.  I almost never hit snooze, but I knew no one was joining me for my swim this morning, so I wouldn’t be holding anyone up if I was a few minutes late!

7:35 a.m. — Swim a 2,900-yard workout.  It’s certainly on the shorter end, yardage wise, but today I used a bungee tether that attaches me to the wall so I can swim continuously against the resistance for the length of my 50 free race (about 30 seconds).  It’s a great way to simulate an Olympic length (50m) pool in our 20 yard pool!  The tether is no joke — my arms are always burning by the end!

9 a.m. — Showered and walked home, then walked Ollie.

9:35 a.m. — Made my favorite smoothie bowl again.

10 a.m. — Head back to campus for class, and drink my latte.  One of my classmates brought in candy, so I have two mini Kit Kats.

12 p.m. — Come back home and have a piece of chocolate pumpkin bread with pumpkin butter while watching lectures.

12:30 p.m. — Eat half of a GIANT apple, plus a kati roll from Masala Kitchen — one of my friends had some extras after an event.

2:30 p.m. — Spend most of the afternoon studying at home, and eat the other half of the giant apple.

4:15 p.m. — Have a pre-dinner snack of bowl of Special K with half a banana, freeze dried strawberries, dates, golden raisins, and soy milk. I also have a cup of pineapple spirulina kombucha.

6:15 p.m. — I take Ollie on a long walk, then have dinner: a kale salad with the rest of my sushi rice, tofu, bit of edamame, and a quarter avocado, plus a bowl of defrosted frozen mangoes, strawberries, and pineapple with coconut flakes.

7 p.m. — I have another event for the first-year med students on campus, so I walk back over. For some reason there’s so much candy around this week!  I have two mini packs of gummy worms as I catch up with my friends at the event.

8:30 p.m. — Come back home and have a true dessert: chocolate! I love Enlightened ice cream, and found a new flavor — black cherry chocolate chip — at Sprouts last week. I eat the whole pint happily as I’m studying, along with a piece of chocolate and two more tahini squares.

10:30 p.m. — Bed!

Daily total: $0

Friday

Spaghetti squash pasta for dinner. Photograph courtesy Michelle Konkoly.

6:38 a.m. — Alarm goes off and I grab a squeezable applesauce packet to eat on my walk to barre.

7 a.m. — Barre. It’s great to get my workout out of the way so early on Friday. I always feel like my posture is so great after barre, too!

8 a.m. — I walk Ollie and make my smoothie bowl. Today I use up some frozen strawberries instead of peaches, and get in some last minute studying as I eat it.

9 a.m. — We have short quizzes every Friday — this week was all about various skin conditions.

10 a.m. — Head back home and have two and a half slices of chocolate pumpkin bread with pumpkin butter as I do some chores and cleaning in my apartment.

11:30 a.m. — I make a homemade iced latte, and have a ThinkThin protein bar and a mini Rice Krispie treat as I do laundry.  I’m heading out of town for a wedding this weekend so I’m trying to get ahead on my normal weekend chores!

12:15 p.m. — I walk Ollie to Washington Square Park and call my dad to catch up as we walk.

1 p.m. — I get a pedicure and gel manicure in preparation for the wedding ($42 with a coupon).

2:30 p.m. — When I get back home, I have a little bit of leftover tofu with a quarter avocado, kale, and edamame, plus the rest of the pineapple spirulina kombucha.  I also finish up the final crumbs of a container of homemade granola, mixed with cacao nibs and golden raisins.

4 p.m. — I spend the afternoon prepping my study schedule for our exam week next week, and have a tiny apple and half a container of Greek yogurt with cinnamon and chia seeds.

6:45 p.m. — I start making dinner, which is really meal prepping for next week! I have four little breadsticks and a bit of olive tapenade while I roast a spaghetti squash.  I make a chickpea/nutritional yeast “cheese sauce” for the squash, and mix it all together with some sun dried tomatoes and Kalamata olives.  I also roast up some leftover veggies from a veggie tray.

7:30 p.m. — I pour myself a glass of white wine as I eat my spaghetti squash creation. The sauce turned out so creamy!

8:30 p.m. — My roommate offers me some of the red wine she brought back from Italy, so of course I have to try it.

9:30 p.m. — I finish up packing for the wedding and have an Enlightened fudgesicle and three pieces of candy for dessert.

10 p.m. — Bed! I have an early train to DC tomorrow, so I’m calling it a night!

Daily total: $42

Weekly Totals

Money spent: $47.20

Swim workouts: 3

Barre classes: 3

Strength workouts: 1

Smoothie bowls: 3

Glasses of kombucha: 4

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Source: https://www.phillymag.com/be-well-philly/2018/11/29/michelle-konkoly-swimmer-food-diary/