#outside of the actual murder scenes everything in that movie is not exaggerated in the slightest those bitches really are like that

[techouspeaks]

Real Rip-Offs!: Fate: The Winx Saga

It’s the infamous show that takes the magic of Winx and flushes it down the toilet! May contain spoilers.

Where the frick do I even begin with this? Like what the hell!?

Like everyone else, when I saw the teasers and trailers for this I wasn’t too thrilled with the whole thing, but I decided I’ll give it a watch and boy...this is bad. Really really bad! Omg! Not very long into the first episode and already I wanted to turn it off! I usually get that feeling within maybe the second or third episode of a show but no! This was bad even from the beginning.

Let’s put a side the blatant obvious issue with replacing Musa and Flora’s race, which Captain Marvel kinda already did that. She was black for a while then they made her white again. No one gave a dang but okay. Priorities I suppose. But this series does things that fails already on arrival. 

First, we’re introduced to Bloom AFTER she finds out her powers. Yup! We’re just thrown in there like Mummy Returns, she’s like boop! We’re there! Right after a farmer gets killed by something called a “Burned One” right at the beginning! A blatant shadow monster you only end up seeing in the distance in the shadows. When I first played the episode, I thought I accidentally played an episode of Goosebumps at first and I mean it in that sense. It wasn’t scary, it was pathetic! Are You Afraid of the Dark had more nightmare fuel and that show was on Nickelodeon! 

The dialog already dated! Bloom actually says the word “mansplaining” and is already a total b@#$ to Sky and they haven’t even dated! Gosh, at least when Bloom had troubles with Sky they at least established they’re dating! Despite the whole “feminist” agenda, Bloom is a freakin moron and needs to be saved by Aisha and a teacher. The whole use of smartphones, at least in the older series, they made up their own tech so the series could take place at any time. 

Let’s not forget the wonderful, unique personalities of each of our favorite girls (except Techna) has been replaced with “troubled teen with parent/social issues”. Like every single girl in this is awful! There’s no good guy to root for! 

Like I don’t expect teens to be happy all the time. I suffer mental health problems including anxiety! I know that depression isn’t about being sad all the time either! I have friends who have it! My teen years weren’t the greatest and I wouldn’t relive those years either. However, even with all that, the way this show depicts emotional troubles and mental health, it makes it seem like if you’re not troubled all the time and you’re not moping about your problems more often than not, you don’t have mental health issues or emotional problems! 

There’s taking light of it where characters don’t seem to face real issues and then there’s over exaggerating it and this does just that. It over exaggerates what teen life and mental health is like.

Not to mention, but none of the characters seem likeable cuz again, there unique personalities were replaced with “troubled teen”. You don’t even to know their names. The only thing that sets them apart is the reason why they’re miserable and the boys, don’t get me started with them. Just a heartthrob with no brain that has to back down when a girl gets mad at them cuz girls can’t be strong unless the man backs down to let her be. Which is the opposite of what that whole girl power agenda is.

News flash, a woman isn’t strong if they run into danger without a brain. Like they don’t need to be super smart but at least know how to think on their feet. That’s what old Bloom did at least and a woman isn’t strong if the man has to back down for her. What made Mulan (1999) a strong character was cuz the guys didn’t back down on her. She had to learn to fight and never gave up on it. Same with Bloom and the other girls of the old series. They fought a long side the dudes and saw them as equal. They didn’t use “mansplaining” cuz girls and guys were equal. 

There’s also no comradery. I get that in the first episode, the Winx weren’t that close yet in the old series, but they at least weren’t mean to each other. They at least were chilled with each other, were polite with one another and thus would already be comfortable around each other. You could be friend any of the old girls and get a long with them fine. Had any one treat me the way these new girls did back in my day in school, I wouldn’t have befriended a single one!  Everyone’s so riled up in their own personal problems and they just act mean that, even when they’re trying to sympathize with each other, it all comes across as insincere. 

I get teens can be mean. I wasn’t always nice either but not this mean. Everyone gets so offended and that’s the thing. The boys get a long with each other fine. The girls always act like they’re ready to slit each other’s throat and already to mope about something or get mad about something. So basically this is the stereotype of what people think feminism is. Girls are total emotional which is somehow a personality, “so much better than the boys” and the guys are laidback idiots with “duh” as a personality.

I was even shock that the replacement for Flora “Terra”, nearly kills Riven by hanging him by vine. Like, she down right tries to kill him! That’s attempted murder, yet it’s brushed a side for whatever dang reason! Flora wouldn’t do this, not even to her enemies! She would get mad but she would never use her powers against someone that clearly wasn’t an enemy and even then, she wouldn’t go that far. If murderous tendencies counts as strong, the people who made this show and the people who agree with that scene, need serious therapy!

Flora was strong cuz she was kind. She used her abilities to the best of her own, stood up even when she was scared and showed kindness to even people being mean to her. That takes a lot of skill and to some that’s “unrealistic”. Well you know what? It is realistic! I know people who do their best to avoid conflict and always stay kind cuz kindness is a rare thing! 

Now and I know people who attack people for hating Terra cuz they believe it’s  body shaming if you do, but no! I don’t like Terra not cuz she’s not skinny. I shame on her cuz she like her I would say friends but more so they’re enemies under the same roof, are stereotypical “my life is bad or it isn’t perfect so I must act like a rude, stuck up brat and mope around a lot” and for showing that murderous tendencies = edgy and strong, which is dangerous. Sure, it was a quick moment and but I’m with Riven, he could have died and who knows, what if Riven had asthma or other breathing problems, Terra doesn’t know! 

I also watched where Bloom finally gains her wings and the effects for that is so bad, even the effects for Power Rangers are more credible despite this series being a “adult version”. 

This series is just bad! It’s not even fun kind of bad. All the characters are either mean or stupid or both, you can’t root for them. No one has a personality outside edgy, stupid or troubled teen. Has dialog and themes that make it dated on arrival. The school and settings are uninspiring. The effects are down right pathetic! The outfits are ugly! Not even as a teen would I wear stuff like that and I wore some tacky choices. I’m a 90s girl, I had tacky stuff but man! Bloom half the time looks like she’s wearing curtains from a haunted mansion and not even from the Haunted Mansion. More like a frumpy, sad knock off version of the movie.

Yeah, this series is the worst! It’s not even just the controversial stuff that makes it bad. It’s just all around bad in everything it gives! I can’t even stand watching a single episode. It’s so bad I don’t even want to use pictures or screenshots of it for this review!  I give Fate: The Winx Saga 1 out of 10 stars! I would give it 0 if I could! Just don’t bother! Watch the old Winx and World of Winx cuz those two series for kids are surprisingly more adult than this piece of crap! 

Now excuse me while I go enjoy another episode of Aikatsu Planet! At least that show is fun to watch and the characters don’t make me want to slap them!

Also for my rip off reviews I don’t read the notes usually. You can reblog, rant at me and call me whatever, but you’re writing to no one so have fun! If you like this show more power to you! Not everyone wants to worship it though!

[lupin-the-3rd-case-files]

Lupin the 3rd vs Detective Conan the Special

Target: Vespania Crown

I think this special is a great example of how you can have next to nothing happen in the plot and it still be entertaining just by the characters alone. Very little actually happens and the mystery only last the last 30 minutes, but despite that the characters make this special an absolute joy to watch. If Arsene Lupin had Sherlock Holmes (or Herlock Sholmes lol) then Lupin III’s rival makes sense being Conan Edogawa. The two were made for each other, though I suppose it makes sense since Detective Conan has its own Phantom Thief in the form of Kaito Kid.

I should preface that I’m not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to Detective Conan. I’m not very fond of series that don’t know when to end, and Detective Conan is one of the biggest offenders of that for me. Nothing against it if you do like it, but I get tired of waiting for the overall plot to manifest and conclude. That being said, I absolutely love watching the movies. They’re bombastic and have great mysteries behind them, I never have a bad time watching them, especially if Kaito Kid is involved since he’s my favorite character.

Lupin and Conan make perfect sense as a crossover. The rivalry between an ace detective and a phantom thief will never be played out, it will always be cool. That being said, this special really expects you to know who these characters are. We pick it up with the Detective Conan characters with absolutely no explanation of who they are, and no mention of Conan being Shinichi Kudo transformed into a child. In the Detective Conan movies, they always give a breakdown of “the story so far” and explain the premise, it would’ve been nice to have one of those here for those who were unaware, even if I’m not one of those people. It worked for me because I know the overall premise of Detective Conan, and they didn’t really use many of their characters outside of Conan, Ran, Mouri, and the detectives. But I know the movie that comes later uses more of them, so I’m hoping they catch me up on their situation.

As I said before, very little actually happens in this special. There’s the murder that starts everything off, then a party where Ran and the princess swap places, then there’s just a lot of talk about the princess and their political situation. About halfway through we go to Vespania where Conan and Jigen basically solve the murder just by visiting the crime scene once. Then we get the big reveal of the murderer and the climax, and then it ends. We get very little actual mystery and almost zero heist action.

But as I said, none of that really matters when the characters are so enjoyable that they just carry the story along and you want to see them more. That’s really Detective Conan’s strength in my personal opinion, as the Lupin gang actually doesn’t do much. Conan and Jigen’s interactions are golden and only get better in the movie, I loved the interactions between Fujiko and the Princess, and then of course Lupin just being Lupin. My only major gripe is that for a VS special, Lupin and Conan barely interact with each other. It’s kind of a shame because in a crossover you want them to cross over.

As such I think this is a pretty bad crossover because of that last bit there. There are basically two plots happening at once: the Detective Conan plot, and the Lupin the 3rd plot, which intersect a little bit but don’t really have any substance until the very end. And even then, Lupin spends most of the reveal disguised as Mouri and doesn’t get to do much Lupin stuff.

Anyway, the treasure is the crown of Vespania. Vespania isn’t a real country obviously, so there’s no real value for the Vespania crown jewels. Still I was curious and googled how much the British Crown Jewels are worth. According to this article the Royal Crown is estimated to be worth around $39 million. Fujiko says the crown isn’t worth that much (though she does try to steal it anyway so she’s probably lying) and we know that Lupin is trying to steal it for sentimental reasons. So the actual value of this particular crown may be off a bit, but it doesn’t matter in the end because it gets returned to the princess/queen. 

Lupin’s Reward: $0 but a new rivalry

Despite my gripes with this special I actually really enjoyed it. Maybe it’s just the change of pace from having watched so much Lupin as of late that seeing the Detective Conan cast filled me with a bit more life and joy, but I want to contribute it to the fact that the characters are just fun to watch. And this makes me happy because the movie is almost universally considered to be miles better than the special and I’m really excited to watch it soon. In fact I’m counting down the number of specials until I get to it.

Next up is the Last Job which I’m sure is an exaggeration and it’s not actually the last job. I don’t know much about it but looking at the cover I already don’t like some of the designs I’m seeing so I’m prepared for another potential stinker. Just gotta get through that then I’ll be at Blood Seal of the Eternal Mermaid which I hear is a fantastic special.

[thedrunkdoc]

Daydreaming

XIUMIN X Y/N

Genre: It’s safe to say that this is fluff with a little bit of Angst on the side.

AN: Here I am again after a very looong hiatus. Only this time, I won’t be serving you guys some steamy smut. I wanted to write something cute for Xiumin since I’ve been feeling giddy these days. I hope this gives you as much excitement as the smut one shots I’ve done.

Alsooo, try listening to EXO’s Heaven as the background music for this. ^_^

----------

Today was a perfect day for a trip to the amusement park. It was in the middle of autumn- not to hot and not too cold, just right. The ice cream cone that you were holding started to drip on your fingers sending you a signal that you have been staring at a father-daughter tandem for too long.

You couldn’t help it. The sight reminded you of someone. You watched intently as the father carried his sleeping daughter to the bench. Guess this girl had a fun day at the park. He held his hand up in the air to shield his girl’s eyes from the sunlight and you couldn’t help but smile as flashbacks appeared right before your eyes.

--

It was your final year in Uni and you wanted to be remembered as the girl with the best glow up. You entered the cosmetics store in hopes of going back to your dorm with a bag full of new makeup to try.

You scanned the lipstick aisle and started picking out 3 different shades of red. Red lipsticks were your thing. Although you’ve never actually gotten it smeared all over your face because of too much kissing, making out, and grabbing just like what the myths told you about your stay in Uni. But that was fine. At least you were still on your final year and you still had hope.

And if you could make out with anyone, you would have definitely picked Kim Minseok from the Theatre Club. He was two years ahead of you and he was in charge of the recruitment of new club members during the Freshmen Orientation. And you’ve only had eyes for him ever since which is why you joined the Theatre Club even if you didn’t even have any acting experience or whatsoever.

He always landed the male lead. Which meant he always had big roles and big scenes, some of them you’d rather not watch because a sudden pang on your chest would pull you out of consciousness. Not even exaggerating this part. You literally fainted the first time you saw him kiss the female lead during practice.

You’ve always worked backstage and you were okay with that. After all, your goal in joining wasn’t to actually be on stage. It was to keep a close distance between you and the love of your life who you knew would never be yours. He never even looked at you, not even once.

Come to think of it, there was actually one time. When you pulled a different lever sending the sandbags, holding the props in place, in the air and landing on the acting coach’s head and knocking him out. You could’ve sworn he smiled at you that time because the acting coach annoyed the living hell out of him.

You finished picking your new makeup and went straight to the counter so you could pay. You watched as the cashier punched in the items one by one while the other lady put it in a paper bag. “That will be 256 dollars.” She smiled.

You reached inside your bag for your wallet. And reached even deeper. And deeper…

You gave the cashier an awkward smile after you realized what a sticky situation you were in. “Is there something wrong?” She finally asked.

You were still looking for your wallet inside of your bag when a thought finally hit you. “I’m sorry. It seems like I forgot to take my wallet when I switched my bags today.” You said with a mix of concern and humiliation in your voice.

The two ladies exchanged a look that said I-KNOW-SHE-DOESN’T-HAVE-MONEY-AND-SHE’S-TRYING-TO-PUT-ON-A-SHOW. You hated being insulted like that. Because you had no love to protect, all of your sassiness went into protecting your pride.

You took your phone out and landed it on top of the counter. “See this? This is the new Note 20 Ultra. I’m gonna leave it here and go back to my dorm to get my wallet and come back to pay the price of the items I picked out and maybe even give you a tip even if you’re trying to insult me right now.” You turned your back on them and headed straight to your dorm.

You walked back inside the shop when you finally got your wallet and you were startled to see one of the two ladies approaching you. She was all smiles and it gave you the chills because you were certain you’ve seen that smile in a horror movie before.

“I’m sorry that you had to go back to your dorm, Ma’am.” She greeted you while handing the paper bag full of the cosmetics you picked out and your phone. “A young man came in just moments after you went out and paid for everything. He just told me to relay a message to you which is on your phone.”

I took a look at my phone and an on-screen note appeared.

“Bet you’re curious about who I am. Come and meet me at the coffee shop across the street. I’ll be wearing a gray hoodie. I’ll see you.”

Okay. His message definitely spiked up some creepy vibes.

Is he a stalker?

Is he a murderer?

Is he going to ask for sex because he paid for your makeup?

You clutched your chest tightly as you started to make your way towards the coffee shop he mentioned. You were scared about who he could be. But you were actually raised right so you knew that the right thing to do was give him back his money.

Thoughts were dancing inside your head. Panic started to kick in the moment your feet landed in front of the door of the café.

If he’s a bad person, he wouldn’t ask to meet at such a crowded place right?

Besides, the ladies were in such a good mood after seeing him. Maybe he’s got looks?

You pushed the door and stepped inside immediately eyeing someone wearing a gray hoodie. As you started to walk towards his table, another guy joins him which sent you to a cloud of confusion. It was only then that you realized that almost 50% of the people inside the café were wearing gray hoodies.

Was he trying to toy with you?

“One Caramel Macchiato for Y/N!” The Barista’s voice snapped you back to reality.

Wait. You just got here. How the hell does she know your name? And how could you have possibly ordered your favorite drink without you actually ordering it?!

You stood in place and watched as a guy stood up from his seat and claimed the drink.

The Barista’s face immediately lit up when he saw the guy standing in front of him. Now you were even more curious. You walked towards the guy and felt your soul leave your body when you finally found out who he was.

“Kim… Minseok?” You asked in disbelief.

He handed you the cup of coffee with a shy smile plastered across his face. He still looked like a squirrel when he smiled which sent you down memory lane. That same damned smile was what cajoled you into joining the damned Club where you humiliated yourself a couple of times.

You haven’t seen him ever since he graduated two years ago. You started forgetting about him when you quit Theatre Club right after he left. And you were doing fine.

Until you saw him again.

The lingering feelings that you tried so hard to erase and suppress for two years resurfaced. Your love for Minseok was like a fungal infection- it came back no matter how hard you tried to eradicate it.

You joined him at his table and sat across from him. You spent a good 10 minutes staring at him and trying to figure out why he’d do such a thing. Because no matter which angle you looked at it from, the puzzle pieces just don’t quite fit.

“Are you just going to keep on looking at me?” He asked with a slight chuckle at the end.

You still couldn’t believe your eyes. And even though you wanted to answer his question, you couldn’t fathom the right combination of words to say. Excited was an understatement. You were ecstatic. You finally saw him after two years. So why couldn’t you speak?

He took a sip of his coffee and leaned forward locking his gaze with yours. “Yes, I paid for your makeup.” He blurted out which sent your back to your seat, digging as deep as it can into the cushion.

You composed yourself and finally mustered up enough courage to speak. “Why did you do that?” You asked out of complete curiosity.

“After I graduated, I found out that girls pretend to be clumsy to get a guy’s attention because I’ve dated quite a few. I’m not that ugly, you know?” He sat back and looked outside for a moment before continuing.

‘This conceited ass.’ was all you could think of.

“I’m just kidding.” He suddenly took back what he said and you felt your muscles relax. “Truth be told, I found you really cute the day you knocked that annoying acting coach unconscious. You looked so scared.” He laughed at the memory.

“So?” You asked hoping for a decent response.

He cleared his throat. “It’s not that I didn’t see you. And it definitely wasn’t because I had noticed that you had the biggest crush on me that I never approached you.”

“Wow.” You responded as you felt your muscles tense up again. He knew? Yet he chose to ignore you all this time? His reason better be valid.

“I knew how important your studies were for you.” He finally blurted out which sent your eyes right to his gaze. He was sincere. You knew he was sincere.

“There was one time that I almost approached you. But I was too scared. I saw you walking to the library right after practice and I mentally made a promise to myself not to bother you until you graduated so I won’t be a distraction to you.” His words sounded like a symphony to you.

Was he somehow confessing?

“I tried so hard to avoid you, Y/N. But I can’t wait another year anymore considering the fact that you planned to buy so much makeup so must be trying to look pretty for another guy.” He shook his head slightly and you could see that his smile was slowly turning to a frown.

You felt your heart race. Adrenaline was pumping all over your body, making your hands a bit shaky. Butterflies were flying in all directions in your stomach and the smell of coffee didn’t help at all.

You held your hand up in front of your chest signaling him to let you talk. “Alright, hold up. First of all, I wear makeup to look pretty for myself and not for other guys. Second of all, I’m going to pay you back. Third-”

He cut me off. “I don’t want you to pay for those. I intended to buy something for you before showing up in front of you. But this is fate? I guess?”

“I’m still gonna pay for them. You know that, right?” You asked with eyebrows raised.

“Well, you can pay me in the form of kisses and cuddles.” He smiled. Again.

His smile melted you. His smile was your kryptonite. His smile dissolved all sense of rational thought left in you if there were still any. His smile made your knees a good kind of weak. And if you weren’t sitting, you’d probably be down on the floor, in the fetal position, while smiling like a dork.

“Kim Minseok, did you just confess to me?” You asked before letting out a sigh to mask the fact that you were enjoying this. Oh how the tables have turned.

“Confessions are for kids.” He stood up and held your hand and pulled you up so you’d be standing in front of him. “You’ve been mine ever since. I’m just claiming you now.”

He slowly lifted your chin up and the last thing you saw were his eyes closing as the distance between your faces became shorter and shorter until you could feel his warm lips on yours.

You could feel your face getting hotter and cheers from the people in the café drowned the sound of your heart beating so loud it could practically escape your chest at that very moment.

You had no choice but to pull away because you couldn’t suppress your smile any longer.

“Now I only owe you 255 kisses.” You said before pressing your lips together because there were no words to explain how happy you were.

“Let’s finish our coffee and head somewhere else… boyfriend.” You said as you picked up your coffee and started sipping.

“Boyfriend? I’m your fiancé, stupid.” He let out a cute laugh and you had to hold yourself back so hard to not tackle him into an unending cuddle.

--

“Well hello there, Angel.“ Minseok pulled you out of your daydream and gestured for you to walk towards them.

You finally sat on the bench beside your husband who was still shielding your daughter’s eyes from the sun as she slept soundly on Minseok’s chest. Your had to share your favorite pillow with your daughter now.

You licked the ice cream that was supposed to be for your daughter. “Give me some of that.” Minseok pleaded as he watched you devouring the soft serve in front of him.

“I don’t want to.” You said before sticking your tongue out like a little kid.

You’d been married to Minseok for 4 years and you were blessed with a daughter during your second year of marriage. But you were both still young at heart given the fact that he insisted on pushing through with the wedding just 2 years after you graduated. Acting like little kids when your daughter wasn’t watching was your own little way of keeping the romance alive.

“Do that again.” He said before cracking a mischievous smile.

You closed the distance between your faces and before you could stick your tongue out, his lips were already on yours.

“Hmm. Strawberry.” He licked his lips.

He caught you off-guard with that little peck. Specially because you were right in the middle of an amusement park and you were dead sure that a lot of people saw what he did. But it didn’t matter. You were married. And you couldn’t care less about what people thought about you because at least you were happy. You had a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. What more could you ask for?

“Y/N.” He whispered and you stared at him while waiting for him to continue what he was going to say. “I think it’s time for baby number two.”

You didn’t even have time to respond to what he just said. He pulled you to the car, careful not to wake your daughter up so she could be put to bed immediately when you get home.

“You know what?” You looked at him as he started the car. “Maybe I am in the mood for baby number two.” You playfully tugged on his hair sending him a signal that you weren’t kidding.

You smiled at each other and held your laugh so hard that you both turned into tomatoes.

“I love you, Y/N.” He muttered before giving you another peck on the lips.

“And I love you, Minseok.” You answered with a smile.

He started driving home and you knew it was going to be an exciting night.

Oh and the cosmetics you needed to pay back? You both lost count of the kisses you shared three weeks into your relationship. You could already imagine him sweating on top of you and you couldn’t wait to actually do the deed when you get home. But first, a warm bath.

[into-control]

submission:

tw: abuse, violence: I'm gonna sound a little dumb, but I think I've only just realized that my dad is abusive (?). like I always knew he was toxic and awful, but I never thought he was abusive because he rarely hits us, and also bc he's sometimes kind. like he's not awful all of the time, he can be funny and normal sometimes.

but like, here are some things my dad's done that make me think he's abusive:

- getting mad at a dog for *looking at him* and then running it over with his car

- is anti-semitic, very sexist, very homophobic, and racist

- if something doesn't go his way, he will throw a tantrum and break things, slam doors, throw things around, etc

- he always threatens to beat my teenage brother

- my little brother is only 8 years old, but if he ever does something wrong, my dad will get in his face and intimidate him and scare him. he never hits him, but he'll swear at him and say things like, "you watch what I'll do to you"

- he punched my mom in the nose once and gave her a nosebleed

- one time, I tried to skip school as a teenager, and he punched me in the head

- he had a dream that my mom cheated on him and tried to strangle her in her sleep before he realized it wasn't real. he tells this story like it's funny

- he always tells my mom that he'd kill her if she ever left him

- one of his best friends is a convicted rapist. there was no DNA evidence, so my dad insists his friend is innocent and gets angry if you even imply there's a possibility he's guilty. he visits him in prison every month.

- he's extremely fragile and sensitive. literally the epitome of toxic masculinity

- he thinks trump is "authentic" and "not like other politicians"

- he doesn't work at all. my mom works full-time. he forces my mom to give him half of her earnings, and he controls what she can spend… even though it's HER money

- he only ever spends ~his~ money on himself, but my mom has to pay most of the bills and for food and for everything we need

- he never helps around the house but will throw angry fits if the house isn't clean to his standards

- one time, he yelled at me and threatened to smash my face in just because I said a fictional man on TV that tried to murder a woman just because she talked back to him was "victimizing himself"

- another time, he thought I tried to run away from him, and he described in graphic detail how he would break every bone in my body and murder me if I ever tried that again

- one time, he yelled at me and threw a chair at me just because I was barefoot downstairs

- another time, he told me that if I ever embarrassed him, he would strangle me to death and then drown me

- he's insanely jealous and possessive and won't even let my mom speak to another man

- one time, a guy on our street intentionally blocked him in so that he couldn't get his car out of the driveway, so my dad got a hammer and started smashing his car up and screaming. my mom had to beg our neighbor not to press charges and my neighbor eventually agreed under the condition that my dad paid for the damage

- he goes out of his way to watch movies with "unhinged" male leads that torture and murder other people - usually women. and he gets some kind of sick pleasure out of watching these movies, like he grins and talks about how much he can relate to the guy onscreen and smiles during the murder scenes

- he's the biggest immature manbaby ever. I can't explain how childish he is

- he constantly victimizes himself. "I'm a product of society", "I'm only like this because no one loves me", "I have mental health issues, it's not my fault I get angry sometimes", "if you idiots actually listened to me for once, then I wouldn't have to get angry, would I?", "I had a terrible childhood, so now I'm a bit psycho, and you're going to have to deal with that", "you're lucky to have a dad like me, I could hit you and abuse you if I wanted to, but you're lucky I'm too soft for that"

- he treats my mom terribly. he's awful to her. it makes me so angry, she deserves so much better because she's such a kind person. she's always crying over him when he's not home, and we all have to comfort her

- he's just a cruel, obnoxious, childish, fragile bully

- he's the biggest hypocrite you can imagine

- he really hates my youngest sister. he doesn't really like me and my mom and my other sister, but he DESPISES my youngest sister. she's only 14 years old. he always yells at her and puts her down. one time, he tried to beat her with a belt, and my mom had to jump in between the two of them just before he was about to hit her

- and the absolute worst part: to most people outside, he's so nice and polite to them. so everyone's always telling us, "oh, you're so lucky to have a dad/husband like him, he's so much better than other men", "make sure you appreciate your dad, he's a really kind man". it drives me fucking insane. everybody is ALWAYS on his side, and they think he's perfect just because they don't know what he's like at home. this is why it's so hard for me to think he might be abusive, bc everyone's always going on about how wonderful he is. like you really start to feel gaslit by it and wonder if you're exaggerating

so what do you guys think? abusive? or like, close to abusive? or not abusive but just really awful? he's really convinced he's a good person. like he genuinely believes he's kind and polite and that he just gets angry sometimes, but he says he can't help that because of his "issues" from childhood. if we ever complain about his behavior, he gets angry and says he's such a nice dad and we don't appreciate him and that we have it easy compared to other households where kids get treated badly and beat

————

i can’t speak for people in abused households but i’m sorry anon your dad sounds like, super abusive. especially towards your mother, he’s the classic manipulative and controlling partner. and abuse doesn’t always come in physical form, threatening to essentially kill you even if he doesn’t follow through with it is classified as abuse. it’s also classic abuser to act like a perfect family man until he’s behind closed doors with his family.

[thewhumperinwhite]

Café: Empty Bar

Okay, I’mma be real with you: this is probably the least whumpy chapter in all of Café, and I apologize for that. There will be Active Suffering in the next scene, I promise.

TW for: I honestly don’t think there are any triggers in here; there’s concussion symptoms and Two Different Manifestations Of Low Self Worth, but it’s. Not far from being straight fluff.

@whumpitywhumpwhump

Even with his eyes closed, the random flickers of light assaulting his vision make Sol wince and turn to bury his face in his blankets.

For a long, blissful moment he’s warm on his shitty futon in his tiny apartment, holding on to his last few minutes of sleep before he has to get ready for work.

Then he remembers.

Sol sits up with a gasp, and immediately regrets it. 

“Hey, don’t,” a soft voice says, and a hand rests on his shoulder and gently pushes him back down. He lets it, raising a hand to his miserably pounding head. Someone brushes his hair carefully back out of his eyes. Their hand is very soft.

“You wanna try and sit up more slowly?” the voice says gently. “I found some ibuprofen if you want it. And you should probably drink some water, if you can.”

Ibuprofen sounds structurally necessary at the moment. Sol grunts an affirmative and scoots to sit up against the arm of the couch, his eyes still squeezed shut.

“Oh, sorry,” the voice says quickly, and the flickering light through Sol’s eyelids stops abruptly.

Sol cracks an eye open experimentally. The room is dim enough to be almost bearable. Sol blinks around at it, feeling like he has the world’s worst hangover. 

It’s a small room with plaster walls and industrial-style carpeting. Sol is stretched out on a stained yellow couch; there’s also a threadbare armchair, a very old television perched precariously on a rickety stand, a coffee table that looks like it was made in someone’s backyard, and a cramped kitchenette. The fluorescent ceiling lights are off, thank god, and the only dim light comes from a crooked floor lamp behind the TV. The coffee table is currently shoved up against the armchair to give Kent Graves room to kneel next to the couch and hand Sol a glass of water and two gelcaps. Sol gulps them down gratefully. 

“Do you feel nauseous?” Kent says when Sol has downed the entire glass.

Sol does, but no worse than when he’s hungover. “No,” he croaks, handing Kent back the glass.

“Okay. Are your ears ringing?”

Sol was into deathmetal in highschool, his ears are always ringing. “No. Where are we?”

Kent holds his hand up a foot away from Sol’s face. “Is your vision blurry at all? How many fingers am I holding up?”

Sol sits up straighter, looking around. “Is this, like… a breakroom? What time is it?”

Kent doesn’t acknowledge the question in any way. “How many fingers, Sol?”

Sol glares at him, and Kent raises one eyebrow, apparently willing to wait. Sol rolls his eyes. “Three fingers.”

“Thank you,” Kent says, lowering his hand, and sits back on his heels, looking around at the dingy room. “And— yeah, it is a break room, as far as I can tell.”

Sol pauses in the act of trying to sit upright to stare at Kent, alarmed. “You don’t know?”

Kent looks at the curtained windows, apparently a bit embarrassed. “Not— exactly? I mean, I know this is a bar. I didn’t get a good look at the sign.” He looks back at Sol, a bit sheepishly. “We’re less than two blocks from where the squad car crashed. You’re heavier than you look.”

Sol stares at him, mildly horrified. 

“Did you carry me here?” he blurts before he can stop himself.

Kent immediately looks guilt-stricken. “Yeah. I— I dragged you a little at the end. I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“What the fuck did you do that for, genius?” Sol almost yells. Kent flinches like Sol’s hit him, but Sol can’t stop. “You don’t know me from shit!”

Kent uncoils from his whole-body wince slowly to stare at Sol in confusion. “You— what?”

“No wonder your nose is broken if you keep shoving it into other people’s business!” Sol snaps. Kent blinks at him, looking utterly flummoxed.

“Hold on,” Kent says. “Are you— sorry, you’re mad because you think I should have… what, left you there?”

“Uh, yeah!” Sol says furiously. “What kind of dumbass drags a stranger two blocks with a broken collarbone?” He swings his legs off the couch and sits up, gripping the upholstery and gritting his teeth through the resulting dizzy spell. “You did the same thing when the old man grabbed me at the cafe. I don’t need your help, asshole!”

Now that Sol is sitting up Kent, still kneeling on the floor, is looking up at him, wide-eyed. Then his face quirks up into a doofy sort of half-smile that Sol tells himself furiously is obnoxious, not cute. “So you would’ve left me there, huh? If you’d been in my position?”

“Hell yeah I would have!” Sol is not going to let Kent make him feel guilty, because he’s right, goddammit. “I don’t even fucking know you!”

“Interesting,” Kent says, and then he frowns and touches his chin in mock thoughtfulness. “You know, it’s funny. I swear I remember being in the car after it flipped, for just a second before I passed out. But when I woke up, I was definitely out on the pavement, out of range when it blew up.” He looks up at Sol, tilting his head in exaggerated confusion. “How do you think I got out of the car?” 

Oh. That. “That was different,” Sol says, flushing. 

Kent laughs, looking at him with that same weird, almost-fond smile he gave him at the hospital, when Sol said he hated MRIs. It was— infuriating. “Different how?” he says, and his voice is so warm that Sol shoots to his feet in order to stop looking at Kent’s face.

“Ghhgk,” Sol says eloquently, pressing a hand to his forehead while he waits for his vision to swim back into focus. “It just is, okay?” he says, and he opens the door next to the kitchenette.

“Oh,” Kent says as Sol steps out into the empty bar, scrambling to his feet behind him. “Um, I wouldn’t, uh— I wouldn’t try and go outside, yet.”

Sol catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror above the bar and forces himself to look away from the bruised wreck that is his face to frown at Kent. “What? Why not?”

Kent’s eyes dart out to the wide windows at the far end of the bar, leading out into the street. “Uh,” he says. He’s no longer smiling; Sol realizes with a growing chill that he looks afraid. “Well, I was watching the news while you were out,” Kent says. Sol looks around; the stools aren’t stacked up neatly on the bar and tables like he would expect. It actually looks like people may have left the bar in kind of a hurry. “It— it looks like the old man wasn’t the only one in the city.”

Sol stares at him, the ringing in his ears growing into a nervous buzz. “What? What do you mean?”

Kent shuts the door to the breakroom, cutting off the dim light and leaving the bar lit only by the streetlights outside. Sol looks out the window and sees that none of the business on the other side of the street have their signs lit. He feels suddenly very cold. “It sounds like— They think maybe it was some kind of. Attack or something? Like they were released at strategic points throughout the city. Some of them, uh— they got some of them right away, like… I did, with the old man, I guess. But it looks like whatever’s wrong with them spreads through fluid-to-fluid contact.” Kent laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Like— like a zombie movie, you know?”

Sol is still staring at him. He watches a drop of sweat make its way down the side of Kent’s face. Kent’s ditched the sling they gave him at the hospital— possibly when he dragged Sol half a block— and his hand is hanging at his side. Sol can see it shaking.

“They’re telling people to stay inside,” Kent concludes, and waits for Sol’s reaction, fidgeting slightly.

Sol can’t stop staring. “My apartment’s on the other side of town.”

Kent nods. “Yeah,” he says softly. “Yeah, I can’t, uh— I have to go upstate, actually.”

“You what?” Sol says. He’s beginning to think that everything Kent says is worse than the thing before. “Did you not just tell me that the city is filled with murderous zombies?” He gestures helplessly toward the windows with his bandaged hands. “Like, 28 Days Later-style fast zombies, too, not shambling Night Of The Living Dead ones?”

Kent nods. He looks unhappy, but he also looks completely certain. “Yeah. You should find somewhere to stay around here, if you can.” He shrugs. “But I gotta go upstate.”

And… listen. Sol does not know this boy. He has seen him get backhanded by his father, but that does not mean that he knows him, any more than pulling him out of a car wreck means he knows him. Or seeing him unconscious. This is the part where Sol says, okay, thanks for carrying me I guess, have fun feeding yourself to zombies, goodbye forever. Because he might be kind of attracted, but that doesn’t make him an idiot.

“What’s upstate?” Sol says, because apparently, yes it does.

[chunkecheeks]

a full summary of Joker (2019) because god I wish it was a joke

Okay so... lemme dump all this bullshit under a cut

if you want to know how this movie actually is without all the pain of sitting down for 2 hours feeling like you’re trapped in a very uncomfortable conversation then here you go! (warning for gun violence and inaccurate mental illness stuff)

Joker opens with the Joker (whose name is arthur) putting on clown makeup and manipulating his mouth to be a grin or frown with his fingers. This goes on for just long enough to feel uncomfortable. Joker cries.

Cut to Joker standing outside a shop in full clown getup with a sign advertising a business. A bunch of teens run by and steal his sign so he chases them into an alleyway where they smack him with the sign and then do this to him:

Also it’s revealed he has a laughing condition which I guess is a real condition but I highly doubt the depiction in this movie is accurate bc none of the ways they handle mental illness is accurate. 

Arthur lives with his mother and has a weird Norman Bates esque relationship with her. He loves her a lot. This is important information for later when Really Dumb plot shit happens

So arthur is getting bullied by Mean Teenz and another dude at his clown agency just gives him a gun to protect himself. Guns are (obviously) not allowed to be carried on the job but the guy is like “no one has to know”  Later Arthur is in the elevator with a cute girl who lives in his apartment building. She tries to make small talk with him and when the elevator stalls she mimes putting a gun to her head in jest. After they get off the elevator arthur does this back in a really exaggerated and uncomfortable way and she awkwardly smiles at him. Apparently he’s now in love

The next day he stalks this girl. That night she comes to his door and is like “hey are u talking me” and he’s like “haha yeah” and she’s like “okay cool i like u now”

Arthur goes to perform as a clown at a childrens hospital and then gun falls out of his pants and then he gets fired

Still in full clown suit many many hours later arthur rides the subway. A girl is getting harassed by 3 dudes. There is no reason for her to even be in this scene. I guess they were trying to build these 3 dudes up as bad guys but she looks to arthur for help and he just starts his nervous laughing thing and she leaves the subway train. The 3 dudes start bullying arthur and arthur opens fire on them MULTIPLE time. One escapes the train into the (conveniently empty) station and arthur shoots him multiple times. this part- god I wish i was fucking funny enough to write something like this, I was choking in the theater trying not to laugh because it was dead quiet but i was in TEARS

After murdering three guys arthur enters a public restroom. He hyperventilates for like a second AND THEN STARTS DOING AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE! This felt like it went on for five minutes but it was probably more like 1. But that seems to be a trend with the whole movie because it felt like it took me several years to sit through it.

After this he goes back to his apartment, knocks on the cute girl’s door, and when it opens he forcefully kisses her. She kisses him back because that’s totally not unwelcome and disgusting or anything (this is later apparently something that never happened but it doesn’t make it any less gross to watch in the moment)

The joker killing those three dudes sets off a revolution?? cause they were “rich”? They weren’t like CEOs or big figures in the economic world, they weren’t even rich enough to not have jobs or have their own businesses, they were just employees of Thomas Wayne??? And from what it seems it doesn’t look like the fact they were assholes is known by the general public. Like... I don’t think the murder of three random semi rich dudes would start an eat-the-rich style revolution. If it was like thomas wayne himself then yeah you can go for that angle but the glorification of Joker’s murders doesn’t seem logical

So joker tries doing standup comedy and sucks real hard

It’s revealed that Joker is Batman’s half brother so he goes to the Wayne’s house and does magic tricks for Bruce who is a little kid at this point and then he... sticks his fingers in Bruce’s mouth to make him smile??? for a long amount of time? and bruce never reacts. Also he chokes out a butler (im assuming alfred but he’s never named) in front of Bruce and then runs off

His mom has a stroke while he’s out and he finds out his mom was in an asylum for a while and he goes there and grabs her file and finds out that she was in there for schizophrenia and because her boyfriend abused both her and Arthur and he doesn’t remember this. He then goes to the hospital and, despite all the buildup of him loving his mother and never doubting her and believing her side of the story, assumes the schizophrenia thing makes it true that she was lying to him about thomas wayne being his dad and smothers her with a pillow. There’s a heart monitor that goes crazy while she’s being smothered but instead of flatlining when she dies it just shuts off? he’s never caught for this

He breaks into the apartment of the cute girl (who he has gone on several dates with at this point) and it’s revealed that their relationship never happened to emphasize that he’s CrAzY!! OOOOH! no surprise all of the mental illness stuff they try to pull in this is inaccurate, based off stereotypes, and as someone with psychosis it’s downright insulting.

Arthur then goes home and there’s an entire scene of him pulling everything out of his fridge and then crawling inside and the shot of the closed fridge lasts, again, an awkward amount of time.

He gets invited onto his favorite talk show because the talk show host saw his shitty standup and thought it would be funny if he got him on the show

He gets in full joker paint and also paints his tongue to remind the audience WHOA! THIS GUY IS CRAZY!

The clown who gave him the gun and another clown who’s a little person (and frankly only in the movie so they can make garbage jokes at his expense) come over bc they heard his mom died and then he kills the clown that gave him the gun

He goes dancing down the stairs like in that horrible trailer and the detectives looking for the clown who killed the subway dudes see him and are like “yeah okay that’s the guy” and chase him

He gets to the show and forcefully kisses a woman on air (for a very uncomfortable amount of time! again! also no one does anything the audience just cheers and the talk show host is like “haha wow what an entrance”) and then he makes a shitty joke about a dead kid and everyone is like hm that’s bad don’t joke about that and since the director of this film is one of those “political correctness ruined comedy! i can’t joke about anything anymore!” type guys I feel like this is a very self inserted gripe of his

He announces on live tv he killed the subway dudes and doesn’t get arrested instead the talk show host just like... tries to debate him

and then he goes “what do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him? you get what you deserve!” and shoots the talk show host. That’s the worst line I have ever heard in any movie ever

This sets off a riot and after joker gets arrested his supporters free him then lay his unconscious body on the hood of a cop car and crowd around him like he’s jesus

Bruce Wayne’s parents get killed in the meantime and then joker wakes up and does his interpretive dance on the hood of the car while everyone cheers

The movie ends with him in the asylum where he then kills another person and escapes

I don’t know what the end credits scene was because I could not take any more of this

[sophiaigallo]

sophia i. gallo

‹ ARIANA GRANDE, SHE/HER, CISFEMALE, PANSEXUAL.  ›  SOPHIA GALLO is the TWENTY FOUR year old from BROOKLYN, NEW YORK. When a friend asked them what they thought of the manor they said,  ❝ IF I DIE AT LEST IMMA LOOK RICH AS FUCK. ❞ They claim THE CONJURING is their favorite scary movie, and if they were to die in a horror film they would DIE AFTER THE ROOKIE MISTAKE OF HAVING SEX. Their fears include SUFFOCATION, FACELESS PEOPLE and COMPLETE DARKNESS, and they don’t know we know, but... SHE SAYS SHE JUST "OVER EXAGGERATES" HER STORIES BUT REALLY SHE'S A COMPULSIVE LIAR. Hope they enjoy their stay.  ‹  B from ADORE YOU penned by, LARK, 21+, GMT -6.  ›

—  i’m not just somebody’s daughter :

name : sophia isabelle gallo nicknames : phia, phi ( pronouced fee) age : twenty four birthday : november 4th zodiac : scorpio sun, scorpio moon, cancer rising gender : cisfemale sexuality : pansexual occupation : nail technician  positive : passionate, sensual, intense, competitive, dedicated, keeps it at 100, strong personality, perseveres to the end, intelligent, intuitive, logical, emotional, strategic, self-reliant, extreme, calm and steady on the surface, easily reads people, brave, wise, caring, loyal, keeps promises, charismatic, fierce in life and emotions. negative : hides intense and powerful emotions, aggressive, obstinate, intolerant, possessive, manipulative, jealous, resentful, intense self-reflection, hard to give forgiveness, prone to sexual power play. fears : suffocation ;  the idea of having a plastic bag wrapped around her face terrifies her. this fear doesn’t come from anything deep meaning but she’s been scared of it since she got yelled at as a child for playing with plastic grocery bags. faceless people ; people without faces and people facing away from her and just standing still really make her uneasy. she got this fear from when she watched the original blair witch movie. complete darkness ; she doesn’t like to be vulnerable and complete darkness makes her mind race of the possibilities and outcomes of her dying by a murderer. 

—  biography :

sophia grew up in brooklyn. her mother an aggressive alcoholic and a father that enabled her. it wasn’t an obvious thing for sophia at first. she had the ideal childhood even though she was born to teen parents. christmas, birthdays, and other holidays were a very big deal with her family. it wasn’t until she got older did she notice that her family wasn’t picture perfect. it was the small things. her mom forgot to pick her up a gymnastic practice, waking up before her mom, finding bottles hidden underneath bathroom sinks. sophia also questioned where her father was for days at a time and come home with luxurious gifts for sophia. one day he came home with a new iphone for her even though she had just gotten the new upgrade only four months earlier. this lead to sophia lying. she lied to her friends about how her mom was, what her dad’s job was -- she still isn’t sure. sophia started lying about small things, things that didn’t matter. if she had picked up bananas at the store for her mother, how she promised she didn’t get any lunch money to her school, how gymnastic practice was canceled, or that a relative died. this habit started around thirteen. 

the one thing sophia didn’t lie about was how good she was at dance and gymnastics. think maddie ziegler. she was well known around her area for being a solo dancer in competitions. when sophia was nearly 17 she tore her acl while dancing. it ruined her desire to be a professional dancer. while in rehab for her acl sophia became functionally addicted to pain pills. she also entered the party scene after her acl surgery and got a fake id at 18 and started attending clubs and bars regularly. she quickly got into a scene that could be very dangerous and her parents were not exactly happy about that -- rather her father wasn’t happy about that. her father expressed his feelings but once again sophia lied and lied and lied more and her father was preoccupied with his drunk wife and them fighting, that sophia’s partying lifestyle went unnoticed. at a party she met a boy named nova gallo. she fell in love instantly. the two were inseparable. they injected themselves into each others lives. where he was, she was and where she was, he was. it was quick and not just movie story quick, but quick. they knew each other for a total of three months before getting married. and now the two are at the manor for their honeymoon.  

—  personality :

If you were to describe sophia in two words, she would be intense and passionate. she is passionate about everything in life, right from her career to relationship, to hobbies to lovemaking; simply everything. she’s a very intense woman and it shows; take note of sophia’s eyes, as it is her one feature that usually stands out. her eyes are typically unique and hypnotizing. her cool, but, mesmerizing stare often indicates that she is interested in you; and is trying to dissect you. sophia is ambitious, hardworking, and is usually successful in her life. she has great leadership qualities ( hence being the managing nail tech at the salon she works at ) and loves ( and often craves for ) power. passionate, determination, will power, and hard work are the pillars for sophia’s personality. 

you’ll have to be a special person to gain her trust in order to be in her “inner circle.” as a friend, sophia is true, supportive, and very trustworthy. she keeps secrets and will not share them even with her partner. sophia is often perceived as being self-centered and cold, but she’s not. on the contrary, she cares a lot about her near and dear ones, ( which causes her realtionship with her parents to be rocky and she currently has them cut off ) and will go out-of-the-way to help and support them if she trusts them. it takes a long time for sophia to truly trust someone. sophia is also generous, fair, and just. she’s is social and will be a sport for adventures with her friends. despite knowing her for a long time, sophia still comes off as a mystery for some because of the wall she puts up but once that wall is down you’ll see the true sophia. although, her friends definitely appreciate her for her amazing personality and zest for life. her husband, nova, is also the luckiest person because he has the most beautiful, devoted, and encouraging wife, who will make him feel like the most desired person on the Earth.  

overall, sophia is exotic and magnetic, as deep as the sea, and, depending on her mood, as calm or as tempestuous. she is extraordinarily innate and is keenly interested in the esoteric, or any occult or spiritual experience that offers some kind of deep insight. sophia should never be taken lightly ( it’s offensive to her if she’s not taken seriously ). she isn’t flaky, fluffy, or a helpless creature by any means. sophia is direct and brilliantly sharp, she likes clear endings and beginnings, with no grey areas in between. sophia is intuitive, controlling, and sometimes self-destructive, fearless, and stubborn and even when life gets a little tricky she merely takes it on the chin and keeps going. self-confident, resourceful, and strong, she is driven to succeed; she works hard and is willing to sacrifice anything to get to her goals. sophia is such a complex person who is also secretive, choosing who they divulge their secrets to carefully and if you’re lucky, she’ll tell all to you.

—   wanted connections & facts :

someone she can call a friend in the manor. when she isn’t with nova ( her husband ) a person to explore and get into trouble with would be fun.

sophia knows a little bit about the manor and is excited about seeing some spooky stuff. it would be fun for sophia if someone else wants to search for spooky things.

she’s going to be attached at the hip with her new husband. its going to be annoying for some people and it would be interesting if there was someone(s) who just find her absolutely annoying when she’s with her husband but enjoys her when she’s on her own. maybe someone who disapproves of them being together because they feel like sophia’s such a different person outside the marriage. 

fact: sophia will be annoyingly clingly to her husband. it’s their honeymoon and they’ve only known each other for three months. her husband is nova ( @ofsurvivals​ )

fact: sophia is a scorpio and it shows. she’s actually a double scorpio and she’ll ask people their zodiac all the time. yes, she’s one of those. 

fact: sophia arrived to the manor late because of flight delays. ( this is mostly just an excuse for my awfully busy life and me being mia, pls forgive me. )

[huangels]

up to snow good - renjun

request: i’m not sure if anyone’s requested this yet since i just found your blog but can i request a renjun cuddle scenario please?

a/n: happy krimas (idk if this counts as a renjun cuddle scenarios but-)

summary: You set out to the supermarket to purchase as many Christmas related decorations as you can to bring the holiday joy to Renjun’s dorm, not knowing it will spook the both of you later at night. 

genre: fluff?

word count: 2.1k

"Is this really necessary?"

Renjun arches an eyebrow just as he opens the front door to his college dorm room. Standing on the other side is you, decked out in an ugly Christmas sweater that says "up to snow good" in giant green letters and a Santa hat that is slightly too large for your head. In your wobbling arms is everything you could find at the supermarket that has anything to do with Christmas: decorations, fairy lights, stockings, animated stuffed animals, and more. And lastly, weighing down your entire back is your backpack filled with Christmas snacks, soda, chips, cookie mix, and other things essential to this joyful holiday.

"Yes, now please help me before my arms give in."

The latter grabs whatever he can, being about 5 boxes of fairy lights and extra wall decorations. You shuffle into the familiar small space of your boyfriend's apartment dorm, carefully depositing all of the stuffed animals and decorations onto the couch before plopping down next to the pile. "It was not easy walking up those flights of stairs with all of this blocking my view."

"Why didn't you use the elevator?"

"I couldn't find the button."

The latter shakes his head.

Renjun's home, the same as last week, is deserted of jolly colors and holiday spirit. You gave the boy a week to get at least a small Christmas tree and surprisingly he had obtained one. However, it is just a plain and short pine tree sitting by the couch, no festive lights or cute ornaments hanging from the branches. Not even a bright star to top it off.

Disappointed, you set out to the supermarket to purchase as much as you can to upgrade his dorm, especially since Christmas is in only two days.

It is not that Renjun does not enjoy Christmas or celebrate it, he has just been quite busy with his art projects, both for his courses during finals week and for his personal studies. Holidays like Christmas have a way of sneaking up on you without you knowing and boom, all of a sudden the radio is playing "All I Want for Christmas," fluffy blankets of snow cover the pavement, and everything is discounted in stores (which actually aren't bad things at all). Without your constant reminder, Renjun would probably not even know what day it is today or even the time.

"Okay, before we start, I have something for you!" you dig around in your backpack, pulling out the snacks in the meantime and setting them on the coffee table. Finally, at the bottom of the bag, you find another Christmas sweater with a knitted red and green pattern, stitched with the words "Resting Grinch Face" in white on the front. "We can be matching!"

Renjun flashes a small glare once he read the words displayed on the sweater, a perfect example of the resting 'Grinch' face. Nonetheless, he takes it and tosses it over his simple stay-at-home t-shirt. It is a size or two too large for him, so it reaches just to his midthigh, the sleeves entirely engulfing his hands. If Renjuns is not wearing jeans right now, he would have looked bottomless in this pullover.

With how small Renjun looks in the large sweater, you cannot help but envelope him in a giant hug. "Oh, how cute!"

Renjun lets out a soft chuckle, encircling his arms around your neck. Your face is squished up on the sweater, the soft fabric of the knitted wool tickles your nose. You look up without delinking your arms that are resting around your boyfriend's waist. Renjun shares a tender smile that causes his eyes to bend into crescents. The cold temperature of the winter weather paints a layer of pink across his cheeks, making the latter look extra fluffy and lovable.

Standing on the tip of your toes, you steal a kiss from Renjun, catching him off guard. "Let's start decorating."

You unravel a box of white fairy lights before the latter can react, a large smile stretched upon your face. Renjun joins soon afterward with a blush redder than before. How adorable...

Putting some batteries in the lights, you string it around a tiny bookshelf to the left of the couch. It illuminates the books and other nick nacks with a warm hue, making Renjun's home look even homelier.

Renjun starts lacing the more colorful lights around his Christmas tree. You join him to add some wacky ornaments you bought that do not have any color theme or concept. As you hang the ornaments, you also show each one to Renjun and provide an explanation of why you purchased it. For example, you present a Moomin ornament, who is wearing a Santa hat and beard, explaining that it reminded you of Renjun because of his love for the cartoon character. Along with that, you show him space related ornaments, sweets related ornaments, and others.

Once the small space is fully decorated, the sun has already set and the lights hanging around the room illuminates up with radiance.

"You know what, it actually looks pretty cute," Renjun admits, scanning over the hours of work the both of you put in today.

The first room is the main living area with his two-seater couch and projector (since a television is too expensive and too large for the room). Laying on the couch is a Frosty the Snowman themed blanket with matching Christmas snowman pillows. On the table in front of the couch is an arrangement of dancing and singing stuffed animals and Christmas scented candles. The bookshelf also holds many stuffed animals and animate decorations.

"I don't trust all of these stuffed animals," your boyfriend eyes them with a suspicious squint.

You laugh in question, "What? Why? They're so cute."

Renjun squeezes the hand of a reindeer toy and it starts to wiggle around while singing "Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer."

"What if it just turns on in the middle of the night?" he shivers at the thought of it. "Wouldn't that be scary as hell?"

"Who would turn it on? A ghost?" you tease your boyfriend with a grin, hands mimicking the movement of a ghost.

Renjun's eyes widen, "Oh my god, what if? What if my dorm is haunted? I have nowhere to go."

"Okay first of all, you can come to my dorm. And second, don't worry there are no ghosts to turn on the stuffed animals and your dorm is not haunted."

- ☾ -

Maybe you spoke too soon. Maybe Renjun was right. Maybe his dorm really is haunted.

The alarm clock sitting on Renjun's nightstand table ticks 1:46 AM. Your arm is slung over Renjun's chest as your head rests in the crook of his neck, legs tangled with his. You bask in the warmth of your boyfriend through the soft long sleeve of his nightwear, listening to his steady heartbeat. His chest slightly rises up and down from his breathing, you can even hear it in the dead silence of the night. It is a cute little inhale of breath and a long exhale.

However, the peaceful tranquility is broken by a strange yet familiar tune outside the door.

"Rudolf the red nose reindeer...Had a very shiny nose..."

The lyrics are barely audible, the melody of the mysterious song echoes into the bedroom.

Renjun is the first of you two to hear the tune, jolting awake from the horror-movie-like music. Though his body is frozen from fright, his eyes frantically scan the room. It is dark, the only light peaks from the edge of the curtain covering his window and the dim fairy lights that line the perimeters of the room. He can already feel his body get warm with more horrid thoughts of ghosts, monsters, and possibly death that are just waiting for them behind the door of his bedroom.

"Y/N...," he whispers in a hissing tone. You stir in your sleep but do not respond, arms tightening around your boyfriend. He tries again, using the hand that is wrapped around your waist to tap you awake. "Y/N, wake up!"

"Hmm, wah?" you look up at Renjun through hooded eyes, face painted with sleep.

"Do you hear that?" Renjun whispers again, nodding towards the bedroom door.

You pick up your head and wait, eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"...Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say..."

"Holy shit." Now you are sitting up, along with Renjun. The both of you look at each other with fear in your eyes. "Who is that?"

"How the hell would I know?"

Renjun and you hold a silent battle to see who should bravely go into the other room and check out the cause of the noise, not using any words but only exaggerated gestures and looks. This goes on for some time, with back and forth "not you go" motions. It would have gone for even longer if not for a loud crash from behind the door. You and Renjun jump into each other's arms, both agreeing to go together.

After the crash, there is a silence. Renjun opens the bedroom door slightly, peaking out into the dark living room. The fairy lights are all turned off to save power and battery life so the only light available is the window near the couch. You sneak your head under your boyfriend's to also get a good look at the scene. There is no sign of any movement or noise afterward.

The both of you squeeze past the door, cautiously tiptoeing around the small space just in case there is a murderer or even a ghost.

You find the singing and dancing Rudolf toy on the floor. It seems like it fell down from the dancing since it could have shimmied its way off the coffee table. You pick it up to examine the toy, there is not a sign of danger from it.

A large cold breeze pushes your hair back and your take refuge wrapping your arms around your chest. The window near the couch is opened, allowing air to flow in.

"Renjun," you motion for your boyfriend to come. He leaves the area he was investigating to stand beside you, a questioning look upon his face. You point at the window, and as if on cue, another long breeze enters through. It seems to be strong enough to blow a stuffed toy off of a table.

"See, there's nothing to worry about. It was just the wind," you explain.

Renjun huffs, "It's not like I was the only one that was scared."

"Whatever, let's go back to bed."

You take Renjun's hands, lacing them around yours before leading him back to his bed. The worries have already left you as your adrenaline decreases, replaced by the demand for sleep. On the other hand, however, Renjun is still paranoid and slightly shakened up, his hands are colder than usual. He is always the easier one to get scared between you two.

You plop down onto your side of the bed as Renjun warily lays down next to you. His eyes are still trained on the door, and even if his back is facing you, you know he is not even blinking.

With a soft sigh, you lace your arms around Renjun's waist, pulling him into your embrace. "Renjun, it's okay. There's no one there."

You plant a gentle kiss on the nape of his neck before hooking your chin over his shoulder. Your head comfortably rests by his. Renjun's tense shoulders relax upon your contact. You lightly run a hand up his arm and across his shoulders. Then, you start peppering his neck and jaw with more kisses. Renjun explodes into quiet giggles, complaining that it tickles, but the smile on his face meets no objection. Your arms return to their original place around his waist as his own hands hold them under the blanket.

The buzz dies down as the two of you bask in the silence of the night. You can feel Renjun drifting into sleep as his hold on your hands loosen.

Renjun becomes so small cuddled up in front of you between your arms. All you can see is his soft brown hair, casually tussled in the cutest spots. You resist the fighting urge to run your hands through his long and smooth hair.

Before you fall asleep yourself, you place one last kiss on his shoulder.

- ☾ -

[bonus]

"Do you think they heard us?"

Jisung turns to Chenle, the multitude of chip bags almost falling from his arms. The younger is wearing his pajamas just as the older is. Chenle readjusts the two soda bottles in his hands, becoming heavier the more he stands around.

"No duh, you literally made so much noise," Chenle accuses with a squint of his eyes. If he had a free hand, he would have slapped Jisung's arm for thinking they got away with it.

"It's not my fault, how was I suppose to know that reindeer would sing AND dance."

[filippoinzaghi]

scheville 2.0 and 28 face my Wrath

[send me a prompt]

Scheville 2.0 + 28. First Kiss

Phil has imagined his first kiss ever since he’s been four and listening to his mother’s stories to put him and his siblings to sleep. At that age, it’s wasn’t even anything specific in his head but merely an action that happened in fairytales when the knight saved the princess. And he loved fairytales. He loved imagining he was a knight in shining armour or a hero of some kind. Even when he had a football at his feet, following Gary’s every steps, or a cricket bat in his tiny hands- he thought about it.

The ball became a horse and a spear at the same time, a goal would mean the dragon was defeated, while the bat would obviously become a sword he would swing left to right and right to left, barely failing to knock out anybody who was nearby. And at the end of each of his adventures, he would kiss the princess - a tiny, soft peck of lips against the cheek. He can’t count all the times he bribed Tracey into playing the princess for him in exchange of practicing netball with her. In hindsight, maybe that’s why she became the best out of the three of them.

When he’s ten and Gary proudly brings back home a worn out VHS of Rocky from the video club, he understands that a kiss like the ones in fairytales can actually be given on the lips. Sure, he’s seen his parent kiss every now and then but he just assumed it was… different, somehow. And to be fair, it was a rather infrequent occurrence. Or maybe he just didn’t remember. But now that he’s looking at the boxer kissing Adrienne, he can’t help but feel both fascinated and disgusted. He half wants to try it but… He uses his lips to eat, right ? Then wouldn’t he feel all that went through someone’s mouth with a kiss ? That’s gross, he thinks. 

He does asks Tracey about it though, he always asks Tracey about things, Tracey always knows everything. She chuckles fondly, like she’s older than him or something and not his literal twin sister, and that’s how he learns he can’t really ask her to be the princess anymore, not if he intends to try this new kind of kiss. He pouts at the prospect, if Tracey can’t be the princess then, who is he going to save now ? Gary tells him not to worry while he ruffles his blonde hair: football and cricket are more important, anyway. Phil is not going to argue with that and jumps outside, having a kickabout with his brother.

The first time he really thinks he’s going to experience his first kiss, he’s in the cinema. He has asked one of Tracey’s friends out. She looks cute with her ginger hair pulled into a ponytail and her freckles and to Phil so far, that’s well enough of a reason to ask a girl out. Or so he assumes- girlfriends, boyfriends, love, this all sounds so very complicated to him. 

Still. He is quite proud of himself that he gathered the courage to ask that girl out on his own, no help whatsoever, and that she accepted. He has saved every penny he could find for months so he can bring her to the cinema. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, obviously. Of course he goes to see a film about the famous outlaw, not a knight but a hero nonetheless, one he has dressed up as a lot when he was younger. When the epic theme of the overture hits the theatre while the Bayeux tapestry is shown extensively on the big screen, he almost forgets he’s actually on a date. He grins and simply cannot wait to see how the film will retell the legend he still knows by heart. 

When Lady Marian appears on screen later on, he looks at Tracey’s friend - Gemma - and he thinks. From what he understood from the other boys at school and at practice, he should kiss her at some point - that’s apparently how dating works. Phil would have liked more input from Gary but his big brother is sixteen now and solely focused on football. So when he had learnt about his date, he had simply scoffed and said he was meeting with David for a run. 

(“He’s just jealous and lonely.” Tracey had tried to comfort him. As Phil got older he realised she probably had been right. Still, he remembered how disappointed he had been and anxious that Gary would not see him fit anymore to become a pro.)

He looks at Gemma, her ginger hair now auburn in the darkness of the room and he looks back at Robin and Lady Marian, entangled on a rope going back down on the ground. He feels this is it. The scene, the music, no one to laugh at them : this can’t get more romantic than that. He boldly grasps the girl’s hand with a sweaty palm and leans in. He really can see her face going closer from his and he closes his eyes, just like in the movies.

He waits. And he waits. But nothing comes. Until Gemma pulls her hand away, wipes it on her pullover like it’s full of dirt and pushes him gently back in his seat. She shakes her head, half pitying him and turns back towards the screen. 

The rest of the film is spent in awkward silence. He still buys her ice-cream at the end, though, following his mum’s advice, and waits until she’s on the bus to turn and leave. 

He walks (runs) home and he goes directly into his room, barely saying a word, and flopping onto his bed. He wants to cry but he doesn’t. Instead he looks at the fading wallpaper and vows that love, and kisses and girlfriends are really not worth it and too complicated. An hour passed, or maybe it was just five minutes but Gary comes in and ruffles his hair hair softly.

“Come on, stupid, let’s have a kickabout.” He says gentle and surprisingly soft. 

Football is simple. That Phil can do.

Gary still loves him and for a minute he forgets about his rejection.

Life goes on. Phil realises there are far more important things than being denied his first kiss at fourteen by some girl he didn’t even fancy that much. Football for instance, Manchester United more precisely. Always loyal in Gary’s shadow, he followed him at the academy, worked twice as hard to be noticed but especially to make his brother proud. And it’s not like Gary is going to let him go easy anyway. Training session here, morning runs there and extra gym session, that’s how daily life looks like for the both of them now. It’s not hard because Phil wants it just as much as Gary and he knows, he knows - sure and pure of heart - that all of this will be worth it, that it will lead him somewhere - anywhere, really (but preferably at United). 

It has to be.

That’s when he meets Paul. 

He has known him ever since Gary and him have played together but he was just that, then- Gary’s friend. Now that Phil’s with them at the academy, though, it’s different. He can’t really call them friends, he still has this little brother label hung around his neck, but they’re kind enough to him so that’ll do for now. There’s Becks, of course, flamboyant and a shining bright smile to die for - like the knights (he sees how Gary looks at this London wonderkid). There is Ryan and Nicky too, more than ready to have a laugh- Phil is kind of scared of them sometimes, afraid they’ll pull a prank on him. And then there’s Paul. Tiny, asthmatic Paul. Angry ginger Paul. Crazy talented Paul. Phil thinks he probably must have heard him talk thrice in his life and he already feels lucky.

(“To be fair, he addressed you way sooner than he did to us. I think he likes you.” Gary had said, half joking. 

Phil didn’t exactly know why but he had almost wanted his brother to be serious.)

He likes Paul. 

Not like like (although Tracey has been quite annoying about this lately) but he connects more with the one they all call Scholesy. It’s in the the barely-there smiles Phil has learnt to recognise or the exaggerated rolling of his eyes at something naive the younger Neville said. It’s even in the little slaps on the shoulders when he does a good pass or a good run. It’s good to know someone other than his brother has his back. It feels good to be accepted properly in the team- painful towel initiation and kissing the mop included.

They’re all watching a movie on one of their few breaks when Phil thinks about his first kiss, or lack thereof, again. He doesn’t even know the name of the film but suddenly the big, strong hero kisses his love interest and some of the lads begin to talk about their own girls. The discussion soon derives towards girlfriends and kisses and relationships and sex like the bunch of horny and stupid teenagers they all are. They all listen to Giggsy telling them the best (gross if you ask Phil) ways to kiss a girl or the latest news about Dave and his new girlfriend. Phil pretends (like Gary) that it’s great and they’re women experts until they go back to training. 

(“Have you ever kissed a girl, Gaz ?” Phil asks on their way home, looking at his feet.

It’s raining and the pavement is wet and shining.

“Why ?” His brother answers, not looking away from the horizon.

“I’d like to know. I feel like I’m missing out.”

“You’re not. Tracey excluded, girls are stupid and gross and girlfriends are the worst. And anyway, they take away all your mates…”

Phil doesn’t ask more questions.)

But he still thinks of kisses- of a first kiss. It’s when he sees couples in the streets holding hands, or in the shows on the telly or even just the lads in the team talking about it. It’s in the stories he remembers his mum telling him about when he was just a kid. It’s everywhere in the fucking world and he constantly gets reminded he still hasn’t had anyone or just a single peck on his lips. He feels like the biggest idiot in the world for not having experienced what is apparently considered a milestone of teenagehood. 

And somehow he thinks about Paul. It happens when they play against the academy of City and he takes a hard blow, falling on the ground. Scholesy extends a hand to put him back up on his feet while glaring at the City players, probably plotting murder what with the stormy glint in his eyes (if Gary would stop yelling at them that is). He’s no knight, Phil thinks, but he wonders what it would feel like to kiss him all the same. He shakes his head. What the hell is he thinking ?

Still.

It happens again. And again. 

It happens when Phil has a rough training and is getting yelled at from everywhere and Paul just sticks close and waits for him once training is done. It happens when the ginger-haired boy comes in into that smelly old hotel room they’re staying at and offers him a sweet while Gary has left him all alone to spend the evening with David. 

(He almost hates David sometimes. But then he remembers Gemma, and Tracey’s words and he lets it go.)

Suddenly, even when he’s not with Paul he thinks about him. There are times when Phil wonders if he does because Scholesy is just being nice to him or if there is actually something more to it. He brings it all up with Tracey when she’s back from an England call up. They see each other less, and what with her going to Leeds to play, but he always goes to her, probably always will.

“How d’you know you fancy someone, Trace ?” He asks while they’re playing netball in the garden- more like Tracey trashing Phil. 

“How would I know ? It’s not like I have the time for this kind of thing.” She answers honestly.

“All three of us don’t have the time and yet, I’m pretty sure things happen. You always know these kind of things.” He almost snaps.

Tracey stops playing and throws the ball away. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean that.” He apologises, softer.

She sits next to him. It’s so strange how he can sense her thoughts in the silence except for the windy chill of the late summer evening. It’s awfully cold for the season. Above, there’s that unmistakable cloudy grey sky, raindrops waiting to fall, the same way someone could be on the verge of crying. Phil exhales and observes the faint steam escaping his mouth even when it has disappeared.

“We’re both really crap at this, uh.” Tracey reflects, hands in her pockets. 

And they laugh. And suddenly they’re five again, with no worries in the world than to play knights, do sports and listen to their parents. It’s carefree and Phil has missed this- maybe these weird scientific facts his biology teacher told him about twins back in year 9, are true. It just feels like the old times and at the moment everything is moving so fast that Phil is glad for the reminder of something strong and stable. 

“Trust your instincts and don’t change for someone, yeah ? You’re a good lad, Philly Nilly. That’s about the best thing I can tell you.” Tracey smiles at him, with a tender tone in her voice.

(he played knight, but she never played. She just was).

He nods and brings them back inside for dinner. Gary is surprisingly in a gay mood and it’s Phil’s favourite thing : all three of them, in Manchester, united.

There’s the game against Leicester soon. Their opponents are currently at the bottom of the league and there are some injuries in the first team. Phil knows it’s a hard stretch but he’s been doing good with the reserve lately, coach Harrison has given him positive feedback (which doesn’t happen a lot). So even though he knows there’s only a ten percent chance he could make it into the squad, he hopes. He’s livelier than usual, chirping all week long. If it annoys the lads, they don’t comment on it- except Scholesy’s scoffs and Gary trying to calm things down a bit.

He hopes. He hopes so much. 

Until they put the list on that wall. He sees Gary’s name, of course. And Paul’s- that was to be expected. But he doesn’t see his. 

Hopes crushed down, kaboom, thank you, goodnight. 

Phil probably stand there for hours, stoic, not quite believing it’s still not his time. Maybe if he stays longer, he thinks, his name will magically appear and this would have only been a joke from the older lads. But the paper doesn’t change, the black ink unmoving. He hates it- the paper, the ink, the folding lines still visible. 

He feels like an idiot. A powerless idiot. 

They’ve all made their debut already- except him. It’s always like this. He’s always left behind, he’s always late. For everything. He wants to scream, he wants to run, he wants to hit someone. 

He doesn’t do any of those things.

He stays put and burns the offending list in his memory instead, unable to tear his gaze away. He’s kind of a masochist, he discovers.

Gary finds him and it’s only when one of his hands touches one of Phil’s that the younger Neville realises he had put them into fists, his knuckles turned white. His big brother looks at him with a pained expression and the blonde hates it. He hates having to be, once again, poor little Phil, always in need to be consoled or looked after, always pitied. He pushes Gary’s arm away when he tries to wrap it around his shoulders and he storms out. 

He goes running around one of the fields, he punishes his body - himself - for not being good enough and intends on keeping that up until everything hurts and he can’t feel his damn legs. He likes running, it usually helps him to clear his head.

It’s night when he begins to tire himself out. Yet, he still insists on going on, it doesn’t hurt enough, his throat doesn’t burn enough. He sees large puffs of air coming right out of his mouth, it helps him focus. 

Suddenly, he sees a shadow behind him going straight to him. 

Scholesy. Paul.

The short teenager is now running beside him, breathing loudly. His face is getting redder and redder by the minute.

“Paul, what the fuck are you doing ? Your asthma !” Phil manages to say, breathless.

“You fucking weirdo. You’ve been at it for ages after the three trainings today; you’re gonna get  injured. So what the fuck are YOU doing!” He replies, furious.

“I can’t stop.”

“Can’t or won’t ?”

“… Both. But-” Phil tries to explain.

“Jesus, Philip. Grow up and use your fucking brain ! You get injured now you throw away your chance.”

“Fine. But I can’t stop.”

“Wh- For christ’s sake, Nev-”

“No ! I just… Literally cannot stop. My legs are just going on and on.”

“… what the fuck…” Paul mutters, divided between feeling amazed or murderous.

Phil doesn’t really have time to register what happens that Paul has his hands on his shoulders, probably trying to stop him. However, although they’re not sure how, their feet make an entangled mess of sort and they fall on the wet grass in a loud thud.

The two teenagers are a mess of grunts and breaths until they stop moving altogether and silence falls between them. The cold grass tickles Phil’s hands but he’s not sure if he shivers because of that or because he realises he’s sprawled over Paul, his face resting on his chest. He does not dare move an inch, not because he wants to (although yes he has no desire moving from where he is, but that’s another thing), but mainly because his legs are failing him and partly because he’s not even sure what to do. Underneath him, he feels the slowing rhythm of Paul’s breathing, his stomach going up and down proving to lull him. He could have fallen asleep right on the spot- maybe running that much had not been such a great idea. 

“Take your time, Neville. It’s not like you’re preventing me from breathing or something.”

“I can’t move. My legs are like jelly.”

“Oh. If only someone had warned you about that, you idiot, if only… Oh wait, actually I did and you didn’t listen !” 

Phil moves his head up so now he can see Scholesy’s face, frowning like he knows how to. The blonde feels bold tonight and chuckles, not caring about the wrath that is sure coming his way. He has nothing to lose anyway.

“That makes you laugh, Philip ? You think it’s funny, uh ? Oh you just move and I’ll wipe that stupid grin off that silly mug of yours.” 

The younger Neville feels bolder still.

“Oh yeah ? And what if I don’t move ? How are you gonna do that ?” He asks smugly.

Paul’s answer surprises him and makes him freeze altogether. Suddenly, he feels the brush of lips- rough, dehydrated ones, ones that have exhaled large breaths of air and which the cold air have bitten with icy claws. Suddenly, he feels his shirt being grabbed in a fist, making sure he’ll stay right where he is and he shivers at the thought. Suddenly, this is happening, this is not a drill. 

He’s having his first kiss.

Suddenly, suddenly, suddenly…

Suddenly Phil just feels nothing but the wind upon his mouth and the sensation leaves him so quickly that he fears he has imagined it all, that it actually did not happened, that he fell asleep and dreamt.

But this can’t be. 

Paul’s fist is only letting go of his shirt and the ginger’s eyes are wide open in horror, realising just now what he has done. 

It definitely happened. Phil wants to pass his fingertips on his lips but he has a more urgent, burning question to ask first. 

“Why did you do that for ?”

Paul still has not moved, almost paralysed under the blonde-haired teen but his face has changed. Instead of shock, now he looks almost… embarrassed. Phil’s face falls, starting to think this kiss was a joke to his friend and he would burst out laughing at his expense any minute now. 

“Scholesy…” He pleads, desperately.

Still no answer and the fullback can’t take it anymore, this is the last straw of the day. He rolls off Paul and sits up, turning his back to him. His eyes sting and he bites his lip as hard as he can not to cry. 

They stay like that for a while until the younger Neville feels the urge to escape, to flee from him, to run home like he had done after Gemma and that date at the cinema. 

“This is stupid, I’m going home.” His voice breaks and wavers.

He stands up and goes to fetch his bag on the sidelines to leave. He was stupid to forget dating isn’t worth it for a minute. He feels humiliated and the feeling is only growing thinking of Gary trying to comfort him, poor sweet, little Phil, when he will inevitably pick up in his sour mood. Why can’t he be like the rest of teenagers; having a reciprocal crush, going to prom, being kissed- hell, even having messy short-lived sex ? 

There’s football, of course, and football means sacrifices, especially when you don’t have a natural talent like Becks. But still, that hasn’t stopped some of the lads of the team to have girlfriends, so why can’t he experience that too ?

The younger Neville is about to leave the pitch when his friend stops him:

“Phil, wait !” He cries, grabbing his wrist.

He wants to shake his hand off of him but Paul’s fist stays strongly put. 

“Don’t you think the joke has lasted enough ?” Phil asks affronted, trying his best to keep his eyes dry.

Scholes opens his mouth to say something but stops, his lips forming a perfect, round “o”.

That’s a first. Paul Scholes not looking totally in control. Phil is left bewildered and watches him, seemingly thinking about an appropriate response.

Instead, he goes for that :

“It’s not a joke.” He grumbles, half-muttering to the grass below.

The blonde looks at his friend with big eyes, so big they could roll out of their orbit soon. He must have misheard, that must be it. Paul Scholes, tiny, angry, likes-nobody Paul Scholes can’t actually be saying he kissed him and meant it. He can’t let him hope like that, it’s too cruel. Still, now Phil cannot get the idea out of his system and thinks of that brush of lips a few minutes ago and he needs to find out more, he needs to feel more, he needs more. 

“Can I kiss you, then ?” He blurts out, cursing himself silently for being so awkward.

“Uh… Yeah.” The ginger-haired teen replies, just as awkward.

So that’s it, then. This is the moment. The one he has imagined ever since he was a small kid listening to fairytales. Paul is no knight but he kind of is in fact, in his own special, personal way. 

The blonde takes an hesitant step towards the smaller man and he gulps. Tracey was right- as always: he really is crap at this. But practice makes perfect- that’s how the saying goes, right ? Maybe he can remember how kissing goes in the latest movies he has watched to guide him.

Phil cups Paul’s face in one humid hand and use the other one to lift his friend’s chin to be levelled with him. He gulps again and licks his lips. He’s really going to do this, this is really happening. Part of him is still terrified a hidden camera will appear out of nowhere and reveal he has been pranked. Or maybe Paul has changed his mind, which would actually be even worse. The blonde is still hesitating, inches from the ginger teen’s mouth, until he hears his friend sigh and grouses. 

And suddenly they are kissing again. Lips firmly placed onto one another. Just that, nothing less, nothing more. 

It’s wet. More so than their first try earlier. It’s soft but strong too, Scholes having fisted his hands into Phil’s shirt again, near his waist this time, making sure to keep him right in place. He’s not going anywhere. He doesn’t plan on moving anytime soon, Phil has forgotten all about fleeing home. 

The kiss lasts longer than the first one, enough for the sensation to remain almost palpable, permanent on their mouths, but not enough to make them breathless- they’re not there quite yet. Their eyes flutter open and they don’t say a word. Paul has the faintest trace of a smile on his face and that’s enough for Phil. He grins and feels his cheeks burning red at the same time. 

It’s okay. Life is good, he can have that. 

“Let’s get you home, Phil.” Paul says while rolling his eyes, forcing them to move and break out of their reverie. 

He’s no knight, Phil thinks again. But his armour shines all the same to him. And maybe, just maybe, they can try to shine together.

[marvelousmatt]

Matt Berry on Why Making What We Do in the ShadowsWas ‘Terrifying’

By Elisabeth Donnelly

Since the debut of the definitive mockumentary on the secret life of centuries-old vampires, the 2014 horror-comedy What We Do in the Shadows, New Zealand comedy treasures Taika Waititiand Jemaine Clement have shown admirable commitment to expanding their bone-dry world of silly vampire jokes into a mini empire. Coming on the heels of the first spinoff, last year’s New Zealand television show Wellington Paranormal, and the persistent rumors of a sequel called We’re Wolves, their TV adaptation of What We Do in the Shadowspremieres on FX March 27.

With the same creative team behind the movie (many of the episodes are directed or written by Waititi and Clement, and some are directed by former Shadows familiar Jackie Van Beek), the show sets up a similar world with a different cast of vampires, preening and arguing for the presumably exhausted documentary team filming their hijinks. This time the vamps are living in an elegantly crumbling Staten Island manse, and their coven includes foppish dandy Lazlo and the tempting Nadja, who are in a long-term open relationship; Nandor the Relentless and his officious human familiar Guillermo; and the inspired creation of an “energy” vampire, khaki-clad day-walker Colin Robinson. While the main cast is a murderer’s row of comic actors who mostly cut their teeth on English television — plus the ascendant Beanie Feldstein, of Lady Bird and Booksmart — the most recognizable face for a particular strain of U.K.-besotted comedy nerd is that of Matt Berry, who plays Lazlo.

For the past decade and a half, Berry has been stealing scenes in shows like Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace and The IT Crowd, appearing in his own sketch show called Snuff Box, and writing and acting in his creation about a middle-aged actor, Toast of London, which netted him a BAFTA for best male comedy actor in 2015. If anything can be considered a comic trademark, it’s Berry’s voice — plummy and unforgettable, a knighted foghorn that’s fallen on hard times and is trying to get you in the sack; much of his hilarity stems from the mismatch between his vocal elegance and his actual persona. Naturally, he’s found success as a voice-over artist, most recently appearing in Netflix’s Disenchantment, and he’s also a talented musician, making legitimately good psychedelic rock (not to mention all of the music for Snuff Box and Toast of London).

Vulture recently spoke to Berry — who’s deep in the process of working on Channel 4/IFC’s Victorian detective-comedy series Year of the Rabbit — to find out how What We Do in the Shadows tapped into his deepest fears, and how Netflix has changed the trajectory of the once-cult comedian.

How did you get involved in Shadows?

I did a film with Jemaine [Clement] two or three years ago [An Evening With Beverly Luff Linn], and when we were working on that he said, “I’m thinking of doing a vampire series based on the vampire film I did. Do you want to be in it?” That’s literally it. It was as quick and simple as that, and we made the pilot in Los Angeles and filmed the rest in Toronto [as a stand-in for Staten Island].

What kind of freedom did you have to create your character?

I started from the beginning and tried not to pay any attention to the film. I treated this as a completely new job with a new set of characters in a new scenario. It was exciting for all of us that it was different.

How did you and the other actors keep a straight face? Did you end up doing a lot of takes?

There’s a lot of takes. We shot all the time, it was quite an intense shoot, so that helped for the lack of breaking. You just didn’t know your ass from your elbow. You already have jet lag and it’s four in the morning.

So you were shooting vampire hours, in this case?

We started scenes at four in the morning, or even later than that — or earlier than that — which was something to get used to, but you get on with it. The hours are a lot different in the U.K. There, you shoot from seven in the morning until seven at night and then everyone goes home.

What’s it like to do the wirework that makes you fly as a vampire?

Wirework is terrifying. It’s terrifying because I’m afraid of heights, and you have to look like you’re not, when you’re a vampire. There’s no reason why a vampire would be afraid of heights, much like a bird wouldn’t be afraid of heights. So that’s the veil of acting, because one minute you’re standing on the floor and then, within two or three seconds, you’re 50 feet in the air.  In one case, we were next to a building, so you can really feel how high up you are, and then you have to do your lines and look as if everything is completely normal. That was hard for me.

How did Lazlo’s costumes help with the role?

Well, they were kind of heavy. But very useful when it’s outside and it’s cold. Big capes and cloaks. They really come into their own when it’s snowing and minus-four degrees.

What was it like developing a comedic rhythm with the other vampire cast members?

I hadn’t worked with Kayvan [Novak] before, that’s the weird thing. We’d been in comedy in the U.K. but our paths had never crossed. At last they did, and it was a real joy, because it took going to the other side of the world to work with him. It’s an odd thing, what causes you to work with people. It’s the same thing with Natasia [Demetriou] — she’s fantastic in what she does. But they’re two people I never worked with in the U.K.

What’s it like having such a distinctive voice?

I don’t hear it the same way as you do. It’s something that I’ve always had, and I would exaggerate it with friends when I was at college. It kind of went from there, and it’s basically taking the piss out of actors that I would’ve worked with or seen when I was much younger, especially stage actors who did TV work and over-projected. That’s where it came from, and now it’s turned out to be hilarious.

When did you know that you could make people laugh?

I don’t know. You do what makes you laugh. I draw from the most pompous people, who are the people that make me laugh the most. My father’s not pompous, but he says ridiculous things, and I base things on him and somebody who has no sense of humor whatsoever. They’re the people that have made me laugh. If somebody has no sense of humor, I think that’s a great place to start for British comedy, in terms of your character.

Tell me more about winning the BAFTA. The photos of you with the award are really joyful.

People always say this, but it’s true for me when I say that I absolutely did not expect to win. [Toast of London] had been described by most critics as “cult,” and as we all know, no one votes for the cult option, let alone the performer from the cult option. When my name was read out, I was in complete shock. I had prepared nothing and therefore walked onto a stage in front of a full theater — not to mention a live BBC broadcast — with nothing to say. I immediately went into some kind of automatic mode and gathered the necessary reserve power to thank most of the people I needed to. My only interest was to thank my family, which I did, so job done. It was an honor and I’m still incredibly thankful and feel incredibly lucky.

What’s your favorite vampire?

That would easily be Christopher Lee, with Nosferatu running a close second. I’ve always been a huge Hammer Horror fan, so Lee’s portrayal would’ve been the first and most potent I saw. I missed out completely on the recent teen-vampire genre, as I was probably either looking for my keys, working, or in the pub.

Now that shows like The IT Crowd and Toast are on Netflix, do you feel like less of a secret?

The only difference is that someone from somewhere that you never expected has seen you and wants to know if you’d like to be involved with something else. When Toast got on Netflix, I noticed a difference. It was something I thought that only myself and a few people would find funny, and suddenly it’s on a very large platform. Now it kind of belongs to everyone. The shows I do, you can see them everywhere now.

What are you working on next?

A show called Year of the Rabbit, which is a Victorian detectives thing that I’ve co-written for Channel 4. I did that a week after finishing Shadows. Now I’m in the edits for it. I’ve gone from being 700 years old to 200 years old.

I have to get this Rabbit thing done. It’s like when you work on something that isn’t quite finished, you can’t think of anything else. All I can think about is Victorian London until it’s finished, and then when it’s done, I’ll go on holiday and not think about it.

[jaywrites101]

JayReviews: Shazam!

What makes a person pure of heart? Today at JayWrites101 we're looking into the recent "controversy" surrounding Captain Marvel and her DC competitor Shazam!. Some are saying this movie is everything Captian Marvel should have been, others are saying this movie is the hack. Which is true? Let's find out together.

The purpose of this review is to break down The Good, The Bad, and The Strange to find out what makes these stories so unique.

Spoilers ahead.

Medium: Movie. Genre: Superhero, Comedy Premise: A young boy is given the ultimate power of Shazam, and must use this power to recapture the Seven Deadly Sins. Plot: A young boy named Thaddeus is teleported to a magic temple and given a test to see if his heart is pure enough to wield the power of Shazam. He fails the test and spends the rest of his life devoted to finding his way back to that temple.

Enter Billy Batson, a young delinquent living in Philadelphia who lost his mother when he was a very young child. Billy regularly runs away from his foster homes and pulls pranks on cops so he can track down every Batson in Philadelphia. Finally, at the last woman on the list, Billy is crushed to discover that she wasn't his mother either, and he's left without any option but to return to foster care.

Thaddeus, now an older man, finally cracks the code to magic and breaks into the temple. Shazam, being near the end of his power and life tries to stop him, but Thaddeus steals the Eye of Sin, which does exactly what it says on the tin and becomes his eye.

Also, it frees the Seven Deadly Sins from their captivity. Thaddeus can sort of control them, but in reality, they're just using him, and since he's already doing what they want... it works.

Anywho, Shazam, now left dying is forced to give his powers to Billy and pray that the kid won't abuse them as previous heroes did in the past. Smaaaaaaart.

The rest of the story is Billy trying to figure out the limits of his powers with his best friend and foster brother Freddy. Being Shazam makes him grow into an adult. Wacky hijinks ensue!

Billy eventually attracts the attention of Thaddeus who forces Billy to fight by kidnapping his family, and Billy discovers a way to allow them to become superheroes like himself. Together they beat Thaddeus, return the Eye of Sin to its cage, and bind the Sins back into their original prisons.

The Good: This movie is hilarious! This is one of the best modern examples of physical comedy I've seen in years! Between Shazam! and Into the Spiderverse, I'm hopeful that this style of comedy will make a full recovery. 

Aside from the laughs -- which were plentiful -- I have to say the acting was on point for everyone involved. The kids were excellent, the adults were excellent, line readings, facial expressions, all of it was top notch here.

But we're going to give this Good with an asterisk. You see, this film is a comedy, it's fun and light-hearted. This lends itself well to more expressive emotions and any slip-ups made only serve to add to its charm. It's still a really big Good. But it a bar that's a lot easier to clear in a comedy with serious moments than in a serious movie with comedic moments.

The next Good I want to point out is the cinematography. The camera guy had fun with this. And by fun I probably mean hell. The long takes, the swivels, the crane shots! There was action with this camera, and you could feel that each take was shot with dedication and care. It's refreshing to see in a movie like this especially when so many films of late show flat, static shots with the occasional shot-reverse shot thrown in.

The last point I want to bring up is the dramatic stakes.

People died in this movie.

Yeah, okay. I can hear you already tying away like "no duh," but usually in these superheroic, high-action flicks people are getting offed by stray bullets or "Raaar! Monster smashes building!" And you never really see the death toll. Like, you're sure someone died, but you're not really sure who, why, or how. Unless they're a mentor character. But those folks come with an expiration date to begin with, soooooo...

It's usually easy to ignore the damage done in films like this.

Thaddeus locks about twenty people in a skyscraper room, throws his older brother out the window, and proceeds to murder the remainder of the people saving his father for last.

That's frekin hard to ignore!!

Likewise, the scene where Bily reunites with his birth mother just to find out she left him there with the police intentionally... I... I just can't... I can't even...

The Bad: I don't believe in perfection. I believe everything can be improved. The prime example here would be how exaggerated everything it.

Don't get me wrong. In comedy, exaggeration is played off for laughs and it's beautiful, buuuuut. When you use exaggeration in your drama... It comes off as forced.

To the film's credit, the exaggeration mostly comes from the fact that they're all kids. But it's still grating to older audiences at times.

I was left in eternal confusion about how old Billy was before he gained an adult super-form. This is one area where even the internet failed me. Canonically, Billy is 12... Considering he has a crush on his foster sister who is about to leave for college... <.< I'm going to say he's supposed to be older in this film. 

I mean... They try to imply he's still in grade school, but he looks like he's already in high school. He also acts like he's already in high school.

Aside from that, most of everything else I have to go here are nitpicks. Things like "how do no one notice the lightning bolts being blasted into the rooftops?" You know. Nitpicks. They're there in every film, series or story. Nitpicks can add up and snowball fast, but in this film, they're barely noticeable.

The Strange: This section of the review is devoted to the things that probably wasn't thought out as well as you might have expected.

The other foster kids.

Out of the six kids we have: Billy the protagonist, Freddy the cripple, a little black girl, the college girl/ love interest, the fat kid, and the Asian stereotype.

There is nothing done in the movie to address these characters except that in the end, they all do actually get superpowers.

To be clear: I'm not complaining about the diversity. I'm complaining that these characters are little more than their stereotypes, and the film indirectly implies that these kids are living half a life unless they're flawless, swole, and sexy.

I know, I'm a white boy who's never lived in a foster home before. I don't think I have any kind of right to be offended... But I think there's someone out there who should be.

There are plans for a sequel in the pipelines. I hope they address this. Because half-assed inclusion can be more damaging than outright bad inclusion.

I still think this was a good step in the right direction. But they still need to take a few more.

Strongest Scene: The villain in the office scene. To me, that was the most gut-punching part of the movie. They said, "Hey, I'm going to have this bad guy do bad things in what would otherwise be a kids movie," and somehow the studio was like, "eh, whatever we don't care."

And we received gold. 

The suspension was locked on high, the terror was real, and I actually believed Thaddeus was a wicked monster. Not to mention this was our first glimpse of the Sins outside of the statues. There was so much intensity packed into one small scene that I'm absolutely sure better reviewers than I will continue to pick over it for years to come. So it absolutely receives my subjective vote.

Weakest Scene: This one always pains me to write. I'm going to have to give it to Billy meeting his birth mother. Now, this scene did have some powerful moments in it, like Billy giving back the compass and the mother just looking at it blankly like she couldn't see the implications of it. Powerful stuff.

But the execution of it was... off. For one thing, this was a tight scene and it didn't have a lot of time to build up to the big moments. So some things felt rushed.

For another, Billy's mother seemed almost irritated that Billy had found her after all these years. Like, she glossed right over surprised, ignored curiosity altogether, and went straight on into "yeah, kid what do you want?" and that was... maybe intentional? I don't know.

It's hard to express exactly what I disliked about this, but this woman didn't feel like a mom and... I think that was supposed to be the point, but it really undercuts the emotion this scene should've had. And the only thing that connects to the rest of the movie is that Billy has to accept that his foster family is his real family now.

This is still an excellent scene, in any other movie it would've been fine. But Shazam! hit a high bar and this is easily the one scene that doesn't hold up.

Conclusion: This film was genuinely amazing! If you haven't watched it, you probably should. There's a lot to take out of it, and it stands alone on its own two feet so you don't have to worry if you've literally never watched any other DC movie.

How does Captain Marvel and Shazam! compare to each other?

Check back here tomorrow for my detailed thoughts on this and a few other "controversies" floating around on the internet.

[2700fstreet]

THEATER / 2018-2019

The Play That Goes Wrong

Written by Henry Lewis, Jonathan Sayer, and Henry Shields of Mischief Theatre Company Directed by Mark Bell

So, What’s Going On?

In the aptly named The Play That Goes Wrong, very little goes right—and, as promised, just about everything goes wrong. The curtain rises on the actors and crew of the modern-day Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society preparing for their own curtain to rise; it’s also opening night for their whodunit, Murder at Haversham Manor. Their murder mystery takes place in 1922 at the home of Charles Haversham, who lies “dead” on stage as the curtain rises on Act I of the drama society’s play.

(Are you getting all this?)

As Charles’s friends and his fiancée Florence express their distress over his death, a series of plot twists unfolds, and technical difficulties begin to complicate the production. Sound effects go awry, set pieces malfunction, and misplaced props thwart the actors’ efforts to fulfill their dramatic intent. They persevere nonetheless, steadfastly carrying out their prescribed roles with absurd adherence to their scripted lines and movements, even when these actions no longer make sense.

With her groom-to-be’s body barely cold, Florence finds herself on the receiving end of a new proposal! (How timely!) Meanwhile, the Inspector arrives to investigate Charles’s death. Could Florence’s brother have been involved? Or Florence herself? What about Charles’s brother—who also happens to be Florence’s lover…?

(We warned you there’d be plot twists and turns.)

As the investigation continues, the action becomes increasingly madcap. A door hits Sandra, the actress playing Florence, who passes out, and Stage Manager Annie must replace her, with script in hand. Miscues, missteps, and misinterpretations lead to growing chaos as a poorly constructed set puts the actors in danger. The fake elevator’s floor breaks, the second story of the manor tilts precipitously, and too many actors to name end up nearly crushed or otherwise imperiled.

(And so, you have to ask…)

Can the Inspector solve the mystery of Charles’s murder? Will Sandra regain consciousness? If/when she does, will Annie be willing to give up playing Florence? If/when she isn’t, which woman will prevail? And has anyone noticed the set’s too-loose chandelier...?

It looks like most characters will survive the play-within-a-play. But will they survive The Play That Goes Wrong?

Here’s a sneak peek (“The Play That Goes Wrong at The Kennedy Center”): https://youtu.be/1EyI5mAFY90

Who’s Who

Here’s a very, very helpful note: In The Play That Goes Wrong, names are two-for-the-price-of-one, with each actor playing a character and each of those characters acting in the play-within-a-play. Good luck keeping them straight! (If in doubt, focus on the names of the murder mystery characters, as they’re used more frequently.)

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Characters in The Play That Goes Wrong

Characters in Murder at Haversham Manor

Annie, stage manager for the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society (CPDS)

Fills in as Florence Colleymoore (see below)

Trevor, lighting and sound operator for CPDS

Fills in as Florence Colleymoore (see below)

Chris, head of CPDS; director of Murder at Haversham Manor

Inspector Carter, esteemed local official

Jonathan, actor for CPDS

Charles Haversham, deceased

Robert, actor for CPDS

Thomas Colleymoore, Charles’s old friend

Dennis, actor for CPDS

Perkins, Charles’s butler

Max, actor for CPDS

Cecil Haversham, Charles’s brother, and Arthur, his gardener

Sandra, actor for CPDS

Florence Colleymoore, Charles’s fiancée and Thomas’s sister

The Play Within a Play

There’s a long dramatic tradition of performing plays within plays, though the inner production does not usually comprise as much of the overall show as in the case of The Play That Goes Wrong. Among the most famous early examples, Shakespeare made use of this technique in his comedy, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, and in Hamlet, a tragedy.

In Hamlet, the title character devises a theatrical performance intended to mirror a crime he believes his uncle to have committed in order to prompt a reaction that will prove his uncle’s guilt. Much more recently, the comedic musical The Producers told the story of two theater producers who put on a show they intend to be a flop, Springtime for Hitler, and find that it is an unexpected hit.

In The Play That Goes Wrong, the “inner” show is the entirety of the performance we see, with our Act I corresponding to the characters’ Act I, and the same for Act II. We see the story of an amateur production gone awry. Just as in Hamlet, the inner show is a murder mystery (but this one is set in 1922 and is not being performed for the purpose of catching an actual murderer).

Caption: In The Play That Goes Wrong, the standing clock becomes a stand-in for a character (who is stuck inside); here, it has “fainted” and is resting.

The Language of Stagecraft

Because you’re watching two plays in one, you might like to familiarize yourself with these words related to theatrical productions:

Blackout: what happens when all the lights on stage go out (on purpose); often occurs at the end of an act.

Company: a group of theater performers.

Cue: a line that prompts an action to take place, including another actor speaking a line, entering, or exiting; a change in lighting; a sound effect; a scene change; or a prop placement.

Interval: another word for intermission, which is the break between acts.

Opening night: the first official performance of a theater production.

Stage manager: a person who takes charge of “tech,” or the technical elements of a show, including sets, lighting, props, and costumes. In this show, Annie is the stage manager for the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society.

What to Look and Listen for…

In The Play That Goes Wrong, actors use physicality to emphasize the absurdity of their show’s unraveling. Exaggerated physical movements also known as “slapstick” (a term originating from the loud sound produced by hitting two wooden sticks together to mimic a slap), help to promote the insanity as the cast tries mightily to perform their play.

The show’s promotional materials reference Monty Python, an apt comparison to the 1970s British comedy group also known for its physical humor (search for the sketch “The Ministry of Silly Walks”—and then, if you still have a taste for British physical humor, search for “Mr. Bean”!). In The Play That Goes Wrong, watch for ways that the actors take advantage of carefully rehearsed “accidental” movements to make their actions funnier.

Caption: An actual slap stick Accessed from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slapstick#/media/File:Bic_(instrument).jpg

Keeping all of this in mind, check out:

How the murder mystery actors point to their verbal uncertainties by using their bodies. Dennis, who plays Perkins, refers to cues he’s written on the back of his hand when he needs to say a difficult word, such as “façade” or “morose.” And when Annie fills in for Sandra to play the role of Florence, she reads directly and without subtlety from a script.

How the show takes advantage of all set pieces and props, finding ways to break or mishandle each one to add to the comedic effect. The stretcher’s canvas rips, leading the actors to carry it out absurdly without Charles Haversham’s body. The door jams, the door handle falls off, the contents of the coal scuttle catch fire, and the entire second floor begins to tilt Titanic-like. Anything that can go wrong does.

The way characters must rush to compensate for (deliberate) structural problems on the set of the murder mystery. When the Stage Manager, Annie, can’t attach the mantelpiece to the stage wall, she has to hold props herself (see below). When the actor playing Perkins can’t leave through the door, which is stuck, he instead climbs into the clock. The actors are flexible when it suits them but stick to the script rigidly at other times—all to maximize comedic effect.

Caption: With no mantelpiece in sight, Stage Manager Annie becomes a human candelabra.

Think About…

How, in addition to featuring a play within a play, the cast of The Play That Goes Wrong breaks the fourth wall (between themselves and you, the audience) when bookending the acts. Look for cast members to solicit help from or speak to the audience.

Moments of dramatic irony, meaning that the audience enjoys the tension of knowing more than a character does and awaiting the results. We know, for instance, that the Stage Manager, Annie, has replaced the empty bottle of “scotch” with a flammable (and potentially toxic) product, though the actors don’t notice—and we also can foresee their horrified reactions before they take their first sips.

How half-hearted pantomime adds another humorous element to the action, as when Max, playing Arthur the Gardener, walks in with a leash and no dog. “Get down!” he tells the empty space. “Quiet, Winston!” he shushes into silence. And, ultimately, to remove the dog from the house—“I’ll put him outside”—Max throws the leash out the door.

Caption: Max and Sandra—as Cecil and Florence—almost kiss.

Take Action: Challenge Yourself

Mischief Theatre has made good use of the “goes wrong” concept, from The Play That Goes Wrong to Peter Pan Goes Wrong to The Nativity Play Goes Wrong. In fact, much of comedy relies on surprise outcomes, from the slipping-on-a-banana-peel gag to the trickery and mistaken identities that fuel the plots of farces. Mishaps are the underpinning of the concept of irony—when what you expect to see or hear is not what ends up appearing. That’s certainly the case in The Play That Goes Wrong.

You, too, can make use of this technique to drive your own comedic productions. To practice, pick a short story, a scene from your favorite movie or play, or even a historical moment. Then try to rewrite it and have everything go wrong. Perhaps Little Red Riding Hood is color blind; or Barack Obama decides to run for president of the marching band instead of President of the United States of America; or the Grinch steals Chanukah instead of Christmas, and his dog Max keeps stopping to eat latkes and loses track of their sleigh. Imagine all the wacky potential of just one altered plot element—and then add more!

If you’re comfortable sharing on social media, post your comic composition to your favorite platform using the hashtag #storiesgonewrong.

Caption: The set’s window provides a more reliable entrance than the door, which gets stuck shut.

EXPLORE MORE

Go even deeper with the The Play That Goes Wrong Extras.

-

All production photos by Jeremy Daniel.

Writer: Marina Ruben

Content Editor: Lisa Resnick

Logistics Coordination: Katherine Huseman

Producer and Program Manager: Tiffany A. Bryant

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David M. Rubenstein Chairman

Deborah F. Rutter President

Mario R. Rossero Senior Vice President Education

Theater at the Kennedy Center is made possible by

Major support for Musical Theater at the Kennedy Center is provided by

The Kennedy Center Theater Season is sponsored by Altria Group.

Major support for educational programs at the Kennedy Center is provided by David M. Rubenstein through the Rubenstein Arts Access Program.

Kennedy Center education and related artistic programming is made possible through the generosity of the National Committee for the Performing Arts.

© 2018 The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts

[ghosstkid]

For the 40 questions thing: 1-10?

Omg I’ll do my best!!

1. Describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic.I don’t think I have a comfort zone, I like to challenge myself with every fic I do plotwise. I do fall back on the same pov often, I know I write from Evan’s pov a lot lol but every fic I try to push myself to do something new! A typical Aqueenofokay fic though, tends to have somebody dying, a lot of blood, a hell of a lot foreshadowing and a twist you didn’t see coming lol

2. I already answered here

3. Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole?

Hhh I mean, it’s just me but I guess things are kinda cliche. Like, a few years ago the big trope was what if Evan meets Jonathan at a con or something like that and I’d seen so many of them I don’t think I’d want to write it. 

4. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them?

Heehe I have three ideas right now. I’ve mentioned them before. One of them that I’m super, super excited about is the fairytale au. It’s a mix of historical and fantasy. Grimm’s fairytales and other creepy faiytales are a huge inspo. Also Narnia, but don’t ask me why yet spoilers. Everyone plays a really fun, interesting role too. That one will be coming out after King of the Kill which is coming next after Petals!! 

5. Share one of your strengths.

Foreshadowing. Oof I love sneaking little secrets and hints into my stories. Watching you guys comment and theorize about Petals has been so amazing. I’ve just been sitting here yelling like “Ahh you are so close!!” I keep seeing this one comment come up with the latest update and I’m just AHHHHH wait till the next chapter, that’s all I’m going to say. 

6. Share one of your weaknesses.

I personally think it’s a weakness of mine, but writing fluff. I don’t want to be cliche, I don’t want to be melodramatic, I don’t want it to feel like there’s not enough passion or emotion. I want to get better at it that’s why I challenged myself with Petals to actually include a relationship.

It gets a bit spoilery after this so I’ll put the rest under the cut! 

7. Share a snippet from one of your favourite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

“Imagine yourself on a train…You have somewhere very important to be and time is running out despite how fast you are hurtling towards your destination. You see, time doesn’t care, though. You might think you have more time or less but it ticks at the same speed no matter what. You are to blame for being late. You think that you never have enough time, do you? Maybe if I just did this or prayed to this god, I would have enough time is what you think, but that won’t happen because time listens to no one.” Time had paused then, leaning forward to take a sip from his strawberry milkshake. The diner was quiet at this time of night, the world outside the window an odd shade of orange. Rain dripped down the neon illuminated window. “Anyways, you are on a train that just can’t quite seem to go fast enough and you gaze out the window and suddenly in the reflection, you see something. Is it someone or something you wanted to see? Or does it surprise you? Either way, the question is, does this change your path? Is it a warning? Or encouragement? And what if I told you that this reflection is a window into the past? You are are seeing something that happened in the past in this exact moment.” - Neverland (Chapter One) 

I love this piece because when I wrote this, I had only a very small idea of what I wanted to do with Neverland so on my way to work on the bus I started writing cause I had this sentence “Imagine yourself on a train” in my head and it turned into a very important part of the story. The La La Land series has some of the best lines if you ask me. 

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Oh this is a tough one cause I have a few. I’ll do two. 

“And if I join you…You’ll protect me from him?” Evan asked quietly. Brian put his phone back into his pocket, sighing.  

“Until it becomes better for me not to protect you. As it stands, I want you alive and well. The second you become not wanted, well I can’t make any promises.” Brian shrugged. “That’s just how these things work.”

“Craig and the others would protect me…Always.” Evan whispered. Brian laughed.

“Didn’t they drug you, drag you into a back alley and beat you up?”

“And wasn’t it Jonathan who came to my rescue?” Evan cried, his anger and grief bubbling up.

“And wasn’t it Jonathan who set that whole thing up in the first place just to come to your rescue?” Brian said after a few moments of silence. Evan looked away from him, tears welling up in his eyes. “I was like you once, naive and scared.”

“And then you inherited all your old fucking money and the mafia and now you aren’t so naive and scared?” Evan spat.

“When you put it like you’re right.” Brian laughed. “But yes, I did inherit all my ‘old fucking money’ and the gang from my uncle. Even with that though, I was unaware of what I could do, what I could get away with.” Evan didn’t want to know what Brian could get away with. “I learned quickly. Let me teach you, Evan. You can my little brother.” Brian smiled.

“Fuck off.”

“Do you talk to your mother like that?” Brian laughed. “I guess you haven’t recently.” Evan curled his bloody hand tightly into a fist. “We’ve had our differences, Evan-”

“Differences?” Evan found himself laughing; a horrible, pained wheezing sound. “You left me for dead in the desert. You threatened me. You threatened Tyler. You killed Tyler.” Evan said through gritted teeth. His laughter turned into a violent sob. “If I could…I’d bash your head in and leave you for the birds in the desert…Nothing grows there. Not even flowers.” Brian was still smiling. He almost looked proud of Evan who was shocked by what he had just said.

“What about Jonathan? What would you do to him?” Brian asked. Evan took another sip from the strong drink, his throat feeling like it was burning as he swallowed. Evan flexed his bloody right hand.

“I’d lie to him. Make him feel loved and cared for in a world that’s suffocating. Then I’d break his hand and drown him.” Evan finally said, his voice oddly calm.

“What a dangerous boy you are.” Brian said, leaning back in his seat. “Remind me to never lie to you.” He smiled. 

- Flowers (Chapter 12) 

Every time Evan talks to Brian, I have so much writing their conversations. It’s so brutal and I love it. This one was one of the first kind of conversations and it set the tone for the rest of the story and the sequel, creating this theme of ‘Dangerous boy’ and how you can’t quite trust everything people tell you. That leads into my next favourite piece of dialogue. 

“See…Isn’t it better when we tell the truth? Your first story sounded like an action movie. It made you sound like a hero. It sounded like a lie. Your second one…You were honest with me. You aren’t a hero. Just a kid doing what he’s told. Remember how we used to tell you stories, Evan?” Jonathan asked, setting the knife down on the table.

“Y-Yes…”

“All of them were lies. All of them. We lied to you. We made ourselves into heroes so you would like us. We loved you. We didn’t want you to hate us…To think that we’re monsters. Remember the story I told you at the aquarium?”

“Yes…” Evan remembered the neon blue glow, the look of sadness on Jonathan’s face and the way he had smiled at him.

“I never hesitated when it came time to leave Lui behind. I stepped on the gas and didn’t look back. I was thinking about how I wouldn’t have to split the money with him dead. I just told you I was hesitant so you’d trust me.” Jonathan shrugged. He smiled. “I like this game. Did Smitty ever tell you a story?”

“He did…About when…when John betrayed him…” Evan stammered. He didn’t want Jonathan to rip apart the image of Smitty that Evan had. “I get it…people lie…to make themselves look good…Jonathan, please…I don’t want to hear about how Smitty lied to me too.”

“I remember that. God, Smitty murdered a lot of people that day. He had it coming, what John did to him.”

The memory of Smitty crying on the beach, illuminated in golden light flashed through Evan’s mind.

“Shut up!” Evan yelled. “Shut up! Shut up!”

“I can’t talk if you are yelling at me. You know that Smitty’s a cold-blooded killer.“

“Shut up!”

“He probably told you that he hesitates too because he wants you to think he’s human.”

“Go to hell!” Evan screamed. “You’re fucking disgusting! I hate you!” Jonathan got up with an exaggerated sigh. He grabbed a rag off the table and gagged Evan with it, tying it tightly around his head. Evan continued to scream at him, his cries muffled and incomprehensible.

“What was I saying? Oh right… I bet you he’s killed more people than I have.” Jonathan said, leaning back his chair.

“He didn’t kill kids!” Evan tried to say. His hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly. His hands trembled with rage.

“What was that? Something about Smitty killing kids?” Jonathan smiled, fidgeting with his sleeve. “We’ll see about that…I’m sure you are wondering why I killed those people you knew or lived around your childhood home…I’m a man of my word, Evan. You know that, don’t you? Do you remember what I said to you, Evan? Probably not because Marcel and those other idiots drugged you…I told you that I wasn’t going to kill you.” Evan stared at Jonathan, heaving for air through the rag. “I was wondering if I could do it…If I could break my word and actually kill you. When I had said that, I was planning to kill Tyler. I knew he’d be dead within the week. But when you looked up at me with those big eyes and asked me if I was going to kill you…I felt like I had to make a promise to you. So I did…Again partly to get you to trust me. But I kept that promise…Even when I found you hiding in that closet. I could have easily killed you right then and there but I didn’t. And now…I’m wondering if I’ll actually be able to do it now. I’m doing you a favour, Evan. There is only one way of this life that Tyler dragged you into…You can’t run away from me, from Brian, from Smitty. We’re the kind of people who will find you and kill you when you have your back turned.” Jonathan stared at Evan’s right hand. “Tyler was that kind of person too…” Jonathan breathed. He looked haunted. Slowly, Jonathan stood up. He turned away from Evan, pulling the hammer off the table. “He told you stories to make it seem like he wasn’t that kind of person…but he was…He was cruel. He was violent.” Jonathan said, turning to look back at Evan. “Are you sure you really want to be like him?”

- Petals (Chapter 12) 

This whole scene with Jonathan is one of my favourites because it completely shatters the ideas of the characters that I had set up in Flowers with the action-packed stories they told Evan. Idk if anyone noticed, but when Evan was telling the story of how Tyler died to Kelly, there is purposefully a part missing. It’s the part that would show Kelly that Evan was obsessed with Tyler and he wouldn’t want her to know that. It all goes back to this idea of how in a world like this, you can’t trust everything people tell you. Also, writing Jonathan’s disturbing dialogue was a lot fun lol 

9. Which fic has been the hardest to write?

The La La Land series. There were so many characters and the plot was all over the place. It was a lot to keep track of and explain. 

10. Which fic has been the easiest to write?

Lol Dead Realm was super easy for obvious reasons but Petals has also been easy because I’m having so much fun writing it. The plot/character relationships are super complicated but it’s so much fun and seeing people having fun reading it makes me so happy!! 

Send me fic writing asks! 

[resistancepilotfinn]

lengthy spoiler-y tlj thoughts that can be summarized thusly - i didn’t love it, or even really like it, but i didn’t HATE it either and if you added up all the things i loved and added up all the things i didn’t like, the things i loved would outnumber what i didn’t like. it’s just what i didn’t like was so much worse than what i liked was good, if that makes sense.

things i loved

the opening with poe on space speaker phone with hux was so funny and perfectly in character (”yes i’m on hold for general hux” “can he not hear me??” “tell him the general has a very important message...about his mother.”)

i knew paige would probably die to motivate rose into action because that’s a trope that itself refuses to die, but i’m glad she got to go out as a big damn hero taking out an entire dreadnought singlehandedly.

everything involving bb-8 was so much fun and him in that walker was so completely ridiculous i couldn’t help but love it.

i’ve seen people complaining about it, but most of the humor actually worked for me. there were some really notable exceptions that i’ll get to though (much like the rest of the movie, the bad stuff is just so much worse than the good stuff is good).

i loved that even though they were apart for the whole movie, finn and rey’s relationship was still central to their characters (when they were allowed to be their characters at least). finn asking about her and always making sure someone had the beacon and kept it safe so she could find them. rey thinking about him on the island and asking chewie to tell him something for her if she didn’t make it. their hug at the end. all great. these little moments were when the film had the most heart and it’s really a shame that rian kept them apart for the whole thing.

the parts where rey was, y’know, actually rey were awesome. like her following luke around and refusing to leave him alone or when she literally reaches out and luke messes with her with that plant and tells her its the force and she’s like “really????” i wish we could’ve gotten more stuff like that from them. the running gag of her fucking shit up on the island and the fish bird nuns getting pissed about it was also fun. and i loved her in the falcon on crait with her little “woo! i like this!” mirroring finn in tfa. there was also a really cute blink and you miss it bit with rain dripping off the falcon and her splashing her hand in it with a little smile. her reunion with bb-8 was adorable and i liked that they included the little meeting between her and poe that was cut from tfa. her final conversation with leia would’ve worked better if she’d had more of a connection with luke but it was still nice to see two women having a conversation about restoring hope and the resistance (would’ve been nice if rose were there too and not on the verge of death).

rey literally closing the door in kylo’s face 

leia using the force to FLOAT THROUGH SPACE. yeah it was cheesy and more than a little unbelievable but goddamn what a beautiful image. i’m gonna make it my desktop background the second there’s an hd leak

in the few moments she wasn’t completely ooc, rey’s interactions with kylo were kinda interesting. i actually liked the part where she was telling him she didn’t understand how he could grow up in a loving family and turn out to be a fucking murderer and kill his father. and also how annoyed she was getting with their little mind-skype sessions. i wish we could have had more of that and less of...whatever the rest of it was. i even liked their joint fight against the praetorian guards tbh.

“finn? naked? leaking bag? did you fry a circuit or something?”

“don’t you have a towel or something to put on??” a mood.

“you were always scum.” “rebel scum.”

when he was actually in character, finn was badass like always. i liked that he knew just as much as rose did regarding tech. his fight with phasma was also great, even though it was way too short. his entire arc was kind of redundant of tfa but it was really touching to see him ready to sacrifice himself for a cause because he believed in it and not just for a person even though i was terrified they might actually kill him off and i’m incredibly grateful they didn’t. he’s such a good man i love him so much.

i want one of the secret rebel logo rings

almost everything that came out of leia’s mouth was so emotional considering carrie’s gone. as was her reunion with luke(ish). the whole “is anyone ever really gone” thing really hit me hard, as did the whole “how can we keep going?” “we have everything we need” bit with rey.

even though i had some issues with her actual story, i loved holdo. laura dern was fantastic. her final conversation with leia was so good, especially when they stumbled awkwardly over saying “may the force be with you.” it was so heartwarming to see laura dern getting to say that line after hearing her tell stories of being such a big fan throughout the press tour. you could really feel the love from her (which was nice because you couldn’t really feel it from anyone else this time and i don’t blame them at all). 

i LOVED seeing billie lourde get to do more and i really hope she gets to step into an even bigger role in 9.

i love poe dameron and his ride or die attitude toward the resistance. i know some people had problems with his story and i did to a degree, mostly from other characters, but i also thought it worked to develop him a bit and make him more three dimensional. which i think was the intent for all the characters, it just really only worked for him.

i loved seeing so many women in leadership roles in the resistance. i’ll be interested in seeing the dialogue/gender breakdown. 

the porgs were perfect and amazing and did nothing wrong ever in their lives

the vulptices were perfect and amazing and did nothing wrong ever in their lives and deserve every bit the merchandising extravaganza the porgs received 

yoda finally admitting the jedi were kinda fucked up and needed to start fresh so he blew up the force tree himself when luke hesitated. also i laughed really hard at “page turners they were not” re: the jedi texts

also “we are what they grow beyond” was a great line that this movie did not deserve

luke’s reunion with artoo was everything i wanted it to be except it wasn’t nearly long enough. seeing the old recording of leia from anh made me so emotional even though i agree with luke that it was a cheap shot (i laughed so hard at that line) but i don’t care.

“SACRED island watch your language.”

poe in his x-wing blowing stuff up

resistance pilot tallie and her little salute before getting blown up

rose removing the saddle from the big-eared space horse and saying that would make getting caught worth it. as a big ol animal lover myself, that was when i connected with her the most even though it was cheesy as hell.

luke skywalker and his astral projection. that whole bit was amazing. LOVED when he emerged from that cloud and dusted off his perfectly clean cloak. this scene, the scene with leia, the bit where he messed with rey, and the scene with artoo were the only times he really felt like luke skywalker and i thoroughly enjoyed them all.

i am actually surprisingly okay with the ending of luke skywalker’s story (mostly because i feel like it’s not really an ending) but...

things i did not like

it just didn’t feel earned in the context of this movie.

while the increased number of women in important roles was great, there’s no reason they almost all had to be white except rose. there’s also no reason almost all of them had to die. it was especially gross to see so many woc on screen only to have them die a second later with little or no dialogue. also not a fan of rose ending the film unconscious and on the brink of death.

speaking of rose, that kiss with finn at the end was super awkward and came out of nowhere. there was no indication anywhere in their plot that she was developing feelings for him outside of a little hero worship at the beginning. it also made her big heroic moment about him and not her coming into her own as her own hero (something she unfortunately shares with rey which i’ll get to in a bit). also did not like how they had her zap him at the beginning either. did not like it at all. 

in fact i did not like how they used finn as a punching bag in general. i know john’s great at physical comedy and an instance or two would’ve been fine-ish but the stuff they did to him went way too far, especially since so much of it was straight up physical abuse meant to be “funny,” like “haha look at this black man stumbling around and getting zapped and hurt in really exaggerated ways.” it was gross. i also HATED how they had hux slap him. do they not know how that looked??? a white nazi stand-in slapping a black man on his knees in front of him???? no one took five seconds to be like “hey rian this is a terrible idea”? or did someone actually try to explain to him how racist this was and he just didn’t care? 

for that matter, i also hated when leia shot poe and how it was played for laughs as well. there was far too much abuse against poc being played for laughs. this is something people have to deal with every day in real life and it isn’t fuckin funny to sit in a theater and see it treated like a joke. i just saw someone say how when finn fell in the stable there was a pile of shit near him which i didn’t even notice and what the actual hell and fuck rian?

speaking of finn, i was willing to give the actual movie a shot before i made my own comments about him being sidelined in the movie and in the marketing because it kind of seemed like they were keeping the resistance story under wraps and marketing is bullshit 90% of the time anyway but...his and rose’s plotline really felt like such an afterthought. i mean overall i liked well enough if you remove all the gross shit and i love finn and i grew to like rose a lot, but there is absolutely no reason they couldn’t have included more of it in the marketing or even treated it with one iota of respect in the actual film.

actually one of my biggest complaints is that both finn AND rey felt like afterthoughts in their own story. finn was on this random side quest that ultimately didn’t matter anyway since they failed because benicio del toro benicio del toro’d them and rey was literally only there to service kylo’s story in a really ooc way. i get that snoke was the one behind their connection and that he was manipulating the way rey interpreted everything but it just didn’t work for me because there’s no reason to believe snoke is that all powerful and tfa set rey up to have a strong mind that can withstand that stuff so that entire aspect of the story just did not work so it makes rey act out of character. even if he was just manipulating and using her naive hopefulness and faith in people, that should have been, y’know, addressed. i’m pretty sure what we were supposed to get was not only kylo growing to fully embrace his role as a villain, but finn and rey paralleling this journey and fully embracing their roles as heroes. and we got the kylo part....but finn was just given the same exact character arc as tfa instead of having that arc expanded upon and rey was....there. 

everyone calling kylo a “boy” or “child” - HE’S A THIRTY YEAR OLD MAN

continued criminal under-use of gwendoline christie and lupita nyong’o

rey’s parentage stuff was so anticlimactic. i could so easily have gotten behind rey being a nobody from nowhere that comes from nothing stepping into the role of a legendary hero if had been handled even remotely well but it wasn’t. it was all about kylo and ended up just being about him manipulating her so he could go through his own character arc. the scene in the cave should have been about rey confronting the reality that her parents were garbage and she was responsible for her own self and she’s turned out great despite the deck being stacked against her not about kylo still having good in him or whatever the fuck, which again, i know that was snoke planting those seeds and kylo manipulating her but since they were never actually addressed...just like during that last confrontation with kylo, it should have been about rey coming to terms with everything, including the painful realization that having blind faith and hope in people doesn’t always work out (luke even says “this isn’t going to go the way you think���!!) but that entire thread was just left hanging.

speaking of hanging threads, wtf happened with the students kylo vanished with??? are they the knights of ren? where were they during this mess? why were these students never mentioned again???? what’s going on????

there are SO MANY inconsistencies with tfa that i can’t believe disney actually pays for a story group and apparently refuses to let them actually do their job. like, how are rey’s parents dead on jakku if we see them taking off in a ship and rey crying out for them to come back (fwiw i think kylo was lying at least a little about her parents - i’m not convinced they were just drunks who sold her off especially since she’s never actually been a slave). why were the knights of ren at the massacre in rey’s vision but apparently not in tlj’s version of the events??? why does leia suddenly know her son is already gone when she just sent han to bring him home because she still felt good in him two days ago???? why were luke and rey on the verge of tears upon seeing each other on that island only to have like ONE positive interaction and no real relationship to speak of??????

the ending with those kids in canto bight was stupid. this is the first star wars movie that didn’t end on a skywalker in some way and i hated it.

NO ONE SAID “I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS”

things i never want to think about again

shirtless kylo

monster tiddy milk

it’s interesting because i have friends that both really liked tlj and friends that completely and utterly hated it, and friends like me that just....don’t know what to think. basically i think i feel like the movie had its moments but it was so bogged down by racist and misogynist bullshit that it’s hard to muster the enthusiasm needed to watch it again and enjoy all those moments i enjoyed. i guess the question is if someone handed you a bag full of shit and told you that there was a handful of gold nuggets mixed in with it, would you sift through the shit to get to them or just be comfortable with the knowledge that they’re in there and wait two years hoping you get a bag with just the gold nuggets in it?

[bctims]

Cinema

Back last year in high school, I took a couple film study papers, so whenever I think of film, half of what I picture is dissecting each scene of a movie and look for hidden metaphors or messages. It then occured to me that I may as well embrace it and do further research on the English class side of film.

The effect of combining the scene composition with a message really makes a huge difference between a good and a great film. Most Hollywood movies nowadays are focused on making the visuals look fancy rather than the deeper meaning and understanding of a problem a lot of artistic films show. I thought of a way to embrace it is to just look further into the deeper meaning of movies, and have a look at scene compositions (AKA: Mise En Scene).

Mise En Scene refers to everything that appears on the screen in a movie i.e the characters, what they’re wearing, the objects in each shot, the lighting and even movement of characters. I found an interesting video made by Joseph McNairy that analyzed a popular Wes Anderson movie, “The Grand Budapest Hotel” [1]. Wes Anderson is an avid lover of symmetry and simple colour palettes, which can easily be seen in most scenes in all his movies. I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel when it first came out in 2014 and became one of my favourite movies to date mainly because of the beautiful cinematography and how each scene is so brilliantly composed. In regards to the scene composition, aspect ratio is a key element that Anderson uses to establish different time periods throughout the film[1].

Anderson’s exaggeration of colour simplicity is very ‘in your face’, and will immediately stand out to viewers as a main feature in the movie. We begin the movie beige and mustard yellow to characterise an elderly Zero, one of the main characters, whom is retelling stories from his past. The colours changes frequently throughout with semi-specific palettes throughout each period of the movie[1].

A lot of casual movie goers don’t really concentrate on deeper meanings of film including me when I first saw The Grand Budapest Hotel. The YouTube video made by McNairy gave me a lot more insight and information about the details of each part of the mise en scene within the movie.

The deeper meaning of scenes in a movie can often be missed and are hard to spot even if you look and listen closely. I got a book from the AUT library that seems to focus on the surrealism culture in film and emphasises the Avant-garde. It’s called “ART CINEMA” by Paul Young/ Paul Duncan 2009. I found this particularly interesting because of its focus on unconventional, artistic and less popular movies. To me, the book acted as a introduction to the artistic culture in film, which fortunately connected me to my other topics I picked for this; Culture and Art (funny enough). Through about 180 pages, the authors covered over roughly 400 individual movies and film installations ranging from the 1920s to the early 2000s. My favourite film the authors covered in ART CINEMA was a sequence from ‘Sodium Fox’ by Jeremy Blake; described as:

“Jeremy Blake’s psychedelic brand of portraiture includes animation, found footage, and computer renderings, which are woven together to create a subjective representation of the poet David Berman.”[2]

Sodium Fox (2005)

David Berman is an American poet and songwriter who is known for having a dark sense of mystery and despair throughout his poetry. In a sense his work is very depressing. An example would be through his poem, “Snow”. Here’s a quick synopsis written by Gary R. Heiss[3]:

Synopsis

“This poem follows two brothers who are outside in winter. The two brothers are walking through a field and see snow angels. The younger brother asks who made the snow angels. The older brother tells him that it was a troop of angels whom had been shot and dissolved. The younger brother continues to ask questions about who shot them and why. The older brother says a farmer shot them for trespassing. The narrator then finishes by saying the outdoors is like a room.”

Heiss explains that the snow angels were actually where children had been murdered for tresspassing by the farmer who owned the field. The older brother tells the younger brother that they were angels because he believed they were truly innocent[3].

Going back to the ART CINEMA book and Jeremy Blake, the sequence he made displays the true unreality of Berman’s poetry and gives the viewer a sense of danger and hypnosis, which truly represents the meaning of the ‘Snow’. As a whole, there are so many different aspects of the world of cinema and how many people may interpret the same thing completely differently. I find it incredible how even as a short clip in Sodium Fox as short as 50 seconds can have such an incredible meaning. Finding that meaning takes time as one must analyse it in depth.

References:

[1] McNairy. J, (2016) “The Grand Budapest Hotel | Visual Analysis” from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pyHqCJEIjc

[2] Young. P, Duncan, P (2009), “ART CINEMA” from page 151

[3] Heiss. G.R, (2017), “”Snow” by David Berman - Analysis and Poem”“ from https://brightdreamsjournal.com/2017/02/10/snow-by-david-berman-analysis-and-poem/

[vertov-bakunin-blog]

D.O.A Rudolph Maté, 1950 (re-watch)

June 18th, 2017, London

This is a special kind of movie that exists in a very special time. It’s so bizarre, so strange without being surreal or “weird,” those who describe the film risk of being dismissed by the listener as exaggerating or mis remembering. Who can blame them? The story is oneiric, exactly the way the surrealists described what they loved about noir (or American crime films in general). With other examples, there is a case to be made that the surrealists just saw what they wanted, that they pasted their desires and their imaginations on anything remotely violent. For example Maltese Falcon isn’t really that confusing, nor is it hyper violent. It is certainly sadistic in terms of implication, the ethical stand that Spade takes is quite a violent one, but it isn’t the same as this or say Laura which is so obviously drenched in psychoanalysis that Freud could have written it. This one fits the bill perfectly, the plot itself somehow always gets jumbled, you can’t quite remember why someone killed Frank, a vague memory of a plot or murder…but you do remember him running down the hot San Francisco pavement, you remember him bursting through doors and dodging bullets, and of course the most ridiculous (but in a way joyous) ending. But it isn’t just an entertaining oddity, not just a gem from a bygone era, there is a deep philosophical current running through this thing, I pointed it out the first time I saw it (and wrote about it in this journal) and I still believe it, nearly four years later.

It is indeed about someone transformed by death, the trivialities of life falling away as the one certainty in existence (that it ends) that we all try to push as far away as possible comes barrelling forward, impossible to ignore like the sun. That scene by the newsstand is pivotal, it is almost as if he died right there and was born again, rebirth through death and sanctified by a singular purpose. There are constant references to it, Pauline keeps saying you aren’t yourself, you don’t sound like yourself, and that’s because plainly speaking he isn’t himself, there is no Frank Bigelow anymore, only this hyper-temporal being who is now outside everything, above even (for the Nietzsche fans in the house). At the newsstand again, he sees a child play with a hall, followed by a woman meeting her lover, all the while Frank is transfixed. Yes, on one hand it is certainly a life flashing before your eyes metaphor, but his expression is not…joy it is of I don’t know…awe? What if instead of looking down on his life and smiling…he comes to a starker revelation? Is this all there is? Just this? A ball game and sex? From that point forward he never small talks, every seconds becomes exact and with purpose. It’s strange because the thematic structure of the film actually calls upon the form to be expositional, he has to talk straight he hasn’t got the time for bullshit. You may think this is all incidental, and that I’m reading into it. But it’s worth remembering that Maté wasn’t just some B studio hack, he was the cinematographer for Dreyer’s Joan of Arc as well as a Gilda. He knew exactly what he was doing (or at least what he wanted to do…I’m not convinced about these sounds still). It’s really a marvel and I’m glad that after all these years, none of its charm has been lost to me, I still love this crazy thing.