#people who want their kids to call them shit like that? unhinged. disgusting. probably have weird sex things going on

[binch-i-might-be]

john winchester has entered the show and the boys keep calling this man "sir". lads that's your dad. please stop. for my sake..

[cinnamonest]

Congratulations, gentlemen. You made yourselves single again! 👏👏

That really made me angry tho :) I wonder how you can get them to stop? Like, the reader tells them that their parents separated because one of them cheated on the other and that greatly affected you, solidifying your absolute loyalty towards your partner?

I can see this backfiring a little bit tho lol (shame on you Venti. Take a page from Benny here, who you're SUPPOSED TO be on the same level 😤)

Ooooh... That's it anon I'm making HCs for breaking up with them and it’s not gonna be pleasant >:)

Modern AU -- breakups

TW: homicide-suicide mentions, intense slutshaming on one, cheating-related stuff, physical abuse/pain, sexism. And like most of these are kiiiiiinda pretty severe, not mild, so you've been warned

=========== Kaeya

It's *other people's* fault isn't it? Other people brainwashed you, made you hate him! But whose fault is it? If there's no specific people he'll just have to get rid of everyone. But he has to persuade you first. Which is why you wake up with either a knife to your chest or a gun to your head. It's simple. Either you get back together... Or you die. Don't worry though, even if you choose to die, he's loyal. He'll just kill himself after killing you and everyone you know and chase you into the afterlife itself. Isn't that kinda romantic in a way? How devoted he is to loving you? Pulls the if I can't have you, no one can line.

Oh, and if you choose to not die, you're going to help. You're going to name every single guy and you're going to tell him where they live and you're going to choose how they die. You get to pick the methods -- one dies by stabbing, one dies by shooting, you can even come up with some creative ones if you want! And you choose who gets what and in which order they'll die. That's how you prove your love. You'll drive to each and every place, get out of the car (at knifepoint if necessary), and go knock on the door while he stands to the side. It's you, so they'll let you in. They probably think you're there to fuck, since you've probably been a cocktease to every guy you know. They won't see it coming.

  And there's another rule. If you start crying, you'll be the one to kill them. If you won't do it, he'll just hold the gun in your hand and wrap his index finger over yours to pull the trigger. Again, kinda romantic in a way. But since he didn't touch it... it'll be your fingerprints on it, and the gun is left at the scene. We wouldn't want you doing anything stupid like going to the police, would we? This is just a measure to keep you from making a stupid decision like that. And then when the police come looking for you, since you're associated with the victim... well, maybe then you'll be grateful that you're locked up in the basement, hidden away. Albedo

Says no. You're flabbergasted for a minute, what do you mean no? You don't get to decide! He says yes he does. His voice and face gets dark and you feel a fear creep up in your chest. You know he's, well, really controlling and toxic, but not... Unhinged enough to do something... Really bad... Right? He takes a step forward. You take a step back. And then you realize that yes, yes he is that unhinged. You tell him you're insane. You bolt. It's futile. Arms latch around your waist and you realize maybe having this breakup alone in your/his place wasn't a good idea. Drags you to the bed kicking and screaming and takes you right there, rambling about how he'll show you why trying to throw him away is a mistake. You're just crazy. Hysterical. Delusional. You don't even know what you're doing.

  Or maybe... Maybe this was intentional, wasn't it? You wanted this. You wanted to make them mad and make them fuck you so that you could feel important and needed. You never expected them to let you dump them, you had no intention of doing so, this was all for attention. And you have the nerve to call him toxic. Girls do this kind of thing all the time, they'll do drastic or extreme things for attention and affirmation without thinking it through, because you can't be level headed, you think with your feelings. Girls blow things out of proportion too, are overdramatic like that, because he's really not as bad as you claim. You're over dramatic. You're making a big deal out of nothing. It's ridiculous.

And if you have to feel pain to understand that, well, so be it. Ties you up, face down ass up, and belts or whips your ass and thighs until you admit it. Admit you're being ridiculous, admit you're just trying to get attention and make him mad, admit that you're immature and hysterical. Once you do that, you can be untied. But because you're overdramatic, you'll go out and make shit up to other people, so for now, you'll at least stay bound to bed until you can be trusted. Childe/Zhongli

He just... well, the reaction depends. Childe rolls his eyes, Zhongli just kind of chuckles. He doesn't have the dark reaction because he doesn't take you seriously. He assumes from the get-go that this was for attention, to make them jealous, you're just like an angry little kitten scratching it's master when it's mad, a kid yelling at their parent that they hate them and "running away", aka going two blocks down the street and then coming back crying. Really, it's like you to pull something like this because you're a whiny little brat that doesn't think things through. That's why you need him, you just are too childish to be grateful. You're petulant, immature. And you'd just come running back to him within 24 hours, anyway. Because you couldn't handle life without him. You'd realize very quickly what a mistake it was.

  But yeah he acts like you're not serious, just rolls off his shoulders. You insist you ARE serious. He sighs, God you're such a child. You're gonna go out there and go fuck someone and then come back and rub it in his face to make him jealous, that's your plan isn't it? That's what he says as he stands between you and the door.

  But you know what? He should let you do it, let you go, then slam the door in your face when you come crawling back. He should. That's what any self-respecting person would do. You are so, so lucky that not only would he take your ungrateful, immature ass back if you did, but he knows you'd regret it so much that he's going to be the mature one here and prevent you from doing it in the first place.

If you want to behave like a child, fine, he'll treat you like a child. Children live with their parents. Children don't choose when they leave or what they do. You'll be like a child... he controls you, keeps you, tells you what you can and can't do. And when children are bad, they get grounded. They have to stay inside and can't leave. Until they learn their lesson. That's the only way you'll learn. And once you've decided to be good, once you can come out, maybe you'll be a little more respectful. Diluc/Xiao/Xingqiu

Assumes there's someone else, isn't there? You've been cheating on him haven't you? Calls you a slut and a whore but, you know, he loves you even though you're a slut. You know who else loves sluts? Yeah. No one. He's the only person who would ever forgive you. Anyone else would think you're disgusting and used.

He needs to know who the someone else is, though. Maybe it's similar to the attention seeker - you're trying to make him jealous. After all, it can't actually be for the sex, since no one else could ever fuck you like he does. You want him to prove himself? Fine. He found several guys when they went through your phone. It's one of them isn't it? Or maybe all of them, maybe you really are a whore. Well, since you refuse to tell him and keep lying saying that's not true, maybe they'll just kill all of them. Happy now? God, you're a demanding slut too. Sluts have no right to be so conceited as you are, they have no right to demand anything. You should grovel for forgiveness. No one else would forgive you, but he does, and you should be grateful.

He gets violent. If you don't wanna grovel, he'll make you. Shoves you down to the floor face down, but before you can recover he steps on your head, pressing your face into the floor with their boots. You can get up after you've told them the guy's name and begged for forgiveness. You insist there's no other guy... Whoops, looks like they stomped and broke your poor nose, based on your shrieking. ...How about now? In the end, you're forced to name a random male friend... Poor guy.

[the-proship-hellhole]

Absolutely DESPISE anti logic of 'shipping children with adults/in general makes you a groomer!!'

**As someone that was groomed for a good 4 years, on online spaces by one guy, I can promise the fucker did not just stroll up to me and shove porn in my face. Groomers are manipulative, controlling parasites (much like antis themselves) that single you out and do whatever they can to get you away from fandom - away from safe group of adults, and people in general, that can help see the red flags a minor would not be able to comprehend. It was only after he had gained my trust, got me away from people and had me in private Skype chats, that the idea of NSFW came up - and even then, it wasn't using kids in said NSFW situations. Groomers, as awful as it sounds, can be smart and know what they're doing to get a minors trust. As said, they don't just shove porn into a minors face, or show ships of kids with adults, and suddenly they have their victim.

The fact Anti's immediately go to 'groomer', 'paedophile', and all that bullshit as soon as they see a minor being shipped fucking disgusts me. It completely undermines anyone that is an actual victim of those disgusting people. One day, a paedophile will do some bad fandom shit and hurt real children, but because Anti's have watered down the meaning to literally anyone with a """"problematic"""" ship, the victims won't be believed until it's too fucking late. Anti's insistence of using these accusations hurt more people in the long run than it does help.

Antis do not care about children. They don't care about people at all. All they care about is making themselves look like God's greatest gift, and it doesn't matter to them who they hurt along the way. As long as in their eyes they have the moral high ground, they couldn't give a single fuck about actual victims. Antis are the scum of fandom; part of me hopes they're young and will grow out of the mindset - I know I did, as after I was groomed, I did develop the mindset of 'any nsfw of anything is bad and if you draw it you're a disgusting person', I no longer hold these believes and realise they're fucking ridiculous. But deep down, knowing some of them are older than myself, means I don't have a lot of hope. I currently hvae 200+ blogs blocked, all antis.

Sorry about the rant, but seeing people call Lacey, yourselves, and other people I follow/know 'groomers' and 'paedophiles' pissed me off. Antis have no idea what a real groomer is, and when a child does end up being a victim, and isn't believed because so many anti's decide to cry wolf whenever they see something they don't like, not only will I blame the abuser, but the anti's themselves for stomping the meaning of the word into the ground.

Again, sorry about the rant. Outside of morons on the internet, I hope both mods have a good day.

**SideNote: I am fully aware I was way too young to be online, unsupervised, when I was groomed (10-14 to be exact). While it's not my fault I was groomed, it is my fault, in my opinion, for being in an online space that I did not know how to navigate in a proper and safe way. I did not include that for pity, I don't give a shit, but an example of how groomers actually fucking act when they want to groom a child. I now spend my time making sure my niece/nephew are safe and careful on the internet, not helicoptering them, but making sure they're aware of ACTUAL dangers like actual paedophiles, and how to block things that upset them instead of letting them post unhinged rants on the internet.

Holy Fuck, Anon. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

First thing I want to address is NO. None of this is your fault. It is the fault of the parasite that groomed you and it is the fault of the adults in your environment for not making sure that you were able to navigate the internet safely.

Second thing, thank you for coming forward with this example of how groomers actually act.

Third, please don't apologize for rants. You've probably seen the novels antis have sent in as well as the novels I've typed. Sometimes we just need to get shit out before it causes us to combust.

We hope you have a good day too, Anon. Please continue to stay safe.

~ Mod Niecest

[ninja-go-to-therapy]

Febuwhump 3: Imprisonment

I’ve been bugging my friends about how excited I am to post this one for so long awlkjfasdlkjf

Summary: Louie makes friends with the richest kid in Duckburg: Doofus Drake. But he quickly realizes his new friend isn’t entirely sane. Especially when he kidnaps him. The problem? His family doesn’t know where he is. He hates Only Child Day.

Trigger Warnings: kidnapping, forced feeding, beating, torture, light dehumanization, I’ve been told Doofus deserves his own warning, mentions of trauma, possessive whumper, imprisonment, strangling

3423 words

Louie had been a captive of Doofus Drake for no more than half an hour, and he was still failing to come up with a plan.

He had to get out of here.

He just... he had to think. Sure, he wasn’t smart, like Huey, or daring to a borderline crazy degree, like Dewey, but he was... uh... he was definitely... shit.

He was nothing without his brothers. 

He’d known this stupid only child thing was a bad idea, but Dewey had insisted. He, for all his siblings drove him crazy, actually liked being a triplet. Dewey, on the other hand… didn’t.

That kind of hurt.

But he didn’t have time for that, because what hurt worse than that was being stuck in some psycho’s house.

Some psycho who might hurt him if he didn’t get out fast. 

Louie should have ran the second Doofus had pulled a box out of his pants.

That had been so incredibly weird, enough to have him somewhat frantically spamming the down button on the elevator, but then he’d held out the box to him with nothing more than an easygoing “friend present!” and, well… the gold had enticed him instantly. He hated that it had been so easy to catch his attention.

Louie would admit it: he could be shallow sometimes. He liked money. But honestly, after growing up practically dirt-poor, he sort of thought he deserved to.

He knew how miserable a lack of money could be.

“Oh… for me?” Louie had asked.

“I like to play with my friends,” was all he’d gotten in return.

He’d slipped the bracelet easily over his wrist, admiring it. He’d almost forgotten that there had been a time when it wasn’t so tight. So disgusting.

“Alright, friend. Let’s play!”

Things had gone smoothly, for the most part, after that.

He’d been weirded out when Doofus aggressively sniffed his hair… multiple times… but he’d gotten over it so fast when he distracted him with pretty things.

Well, in this case, it was more the breaking of pretty things, but the point remained.

Surprisingly, tearing apart priceless items was actually a really good stress reliever, and Louie had quickly forgotten all his troubles.

Until he went to slash at a portrait of an old woman and was promptly tackled to the floor. 

And then, if he thought it couldn’t have gotten any more concerning, Doofus was throwing a full on fit, screaming and tearing shit up to an even greater degree than before.

Louie, so incredibly uncomfortable, had attempted to make small talk with Doofus’s “servants”, as he’d called them. 

“My butler’s a ghost,” Louie had said, “yup, he’s dead.”

“We’re dead inside. We’re Doofus’s parents,” the maid had revealed.

That… that was not good.

“The money and power changed him. Go. Before it’s too late!” His mother had urged.

Louie had backed towards the door, deciding that having rich friends really wasn’t worth… whatever this was. 

“What’s next friendy-friend?”

He’d stumbled slightly, but continued making his way to the door. It was just too much. It had been getting beyond weird and into straight-up freaky.

“Oh, well, you know, I just noticed it’s getting a little late. Uh, so I’m just gonna head home, and fondly remember all the good times we had. Cool? Cool, alright bye!”

He’d made to step out the door, heart pounding. He’d been so sure than in just a moment, this nightmare would be over.

But before he could even move, the bracelet had tightened until it dug into his wrist painfully, and then, if that hadn’t been bad enough, all at once it had gained this odd weight to it. He was on the floor in less than a second.

He’d gasped, tugging frantically, but the bracelet — cuff? — wouldn’t budge.

Drake had just smiled down at him innocently, but it had only made Louie feel sick to his stomach. “You are home, friend-present!”

He’d slammed the door before Louie could even begin to hope he could escape.

Only then was when he’d been starting to realize that this kid was fucking deranged. Like, absolutely out of his mind.

Why had Louie even wanted to be friends with him in the first place? He could have found other rich kids, ones who were just stuck-up and bitchy, instead of the absolute maniac who was standing above him! 

“Let me out!” Louie had demanded. “This isn’t funny!”

“Of course not,” he’d agreed, “it’s quite serious.”

“You do realize who my family is, right? In fact, you should probably just let me go right now, so you don’t have to deal with them.”

Doofus had laughed. “You are funny, friend-present.”

Louie had scowled at the nickname, if you could even call it that. “Why are you doing this?”

“It’s rare that I meet a friend as lovely as you,” he hummed. “I couldn’t just let you slip through my fingers, now could I?”

That had been… creepy. He probably should have expected, at that point, that it would only get worse. But the only thing he’d known right then was that he needed to get out of here. This kid was seriously disturbed.

“My family will come looking for me! And they won’t be happy!” He’d insisted. But that was also when he’d realized that there was one massive roadblock to the plan of waiting it out for his family to come. It was that stupid Only Child Day. Which meant that his brothers were still off doing their own thing, and likely wouldn’t even realize Louie had disappeared until late that night. Worse, he hadn’t opted to actually tell anyone where he was going.

They had no idea he was here. They didn’t even know who Doofus Drake was.

And now, he was stuck on some creepy platform thing. There were three of them. One for Doofus’s mom, one for his dad, and one for him.

Louie tried to ignore the fact that the third one was a clear indication that Doofus had been waiting for something like this. Louie had walked right into his open arms.

“The sooner you give up, the better,” Doofus’s dad was saying, “hope only makes it worse.” The poor guy looked… kind of traumatized. What had that man been through?

Louie was terrified to find out.

“No! If the three of us work together, we might just be able to get out of here!” he insisted, hope blossoming as a vague plan began to form in his mind. “Are you with me?”

The other two shared a look, before nodding their agreement.

And not a moment too soon, because just then, the door opened, and in came Doofus Drake. As he approached Louie, he could only look at him, attempting a poker face. It probably wasn’t working very well.

“The new one’s a traitor!” Doofus’s dad shouted within an instant. “But I stopped him out of loyalty. Because I love you, Doofus.” 

“You’re pathetic,” Doofus’s mom grumbled, glaring at him.

“No, he’s lying! I would never do that!” Louie cried, panic spiking through him. “I’m your friend!” he said with a forced smile. “...Present,” he tacked on, suppressing a disgusted shudder to the best of his ability. “Oh, gross…”

“I don’t think I like you anymore, new friend,” Doofus said, glaring at him. Before Louie could get his hopes up that maybe that meant that he was going to be let go, Doofus reached into a plastic bag he’d dragged in with him when he’d entered the room. “Maybe you need a lesson in friendship.”

“Wait,” Louie said as Doofus pulled out an umbrella, “What’s that for?”

Doofus didn’t answer him, reaching into the bag again and pulling out a smaller bag of walnuts. Louie had never thought such an action could be threatening, but oh boy… it sure was now.

“What is he gonna do with the umbrella and walnuts?” he asked desperately, frantically pushing himself as far back on his platform as the bracelet would allow.

Doofus approached him slowly and deliberately, eyes narrowed.

Louie couldn’t get any further away than he already was. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to prepare himself for whatever was about to come.

But then nothing came.

The silence was so loud. He could hear four sets of breathing, and that was it. Breathe in, two, three, him. Breathe out, two, three, him. Hesitantly, he peaked his eyes open.

Doofus stood directly in front of him, and, to Louie’s surprise, he’d set the umbrella to the side. It had seemed important just a moment ago, why had it been discarded already? Something wasn’t right about that.

“Here,” he said, holding out his hand. Louie glanced at it, confused. He was holding a handful of the walnuts.

He glanced at Doofus’s parents. “What exactly is going on right now?”

“Eyes on me!” Doofus yelled, his tone reminding Louie of earlier, when he’d been screaming about his dead grandma. Louie complied in an instant, terrified. Doofus took a breath, a calm smile slipping back onto his face. “That’s better.”

Louie just laughed nervously.

“Now,” he said, offering a handful of the walnuts in Louie’s direction again. “Eat them.”

“I — what?” Louie asked, another uncomfortable laugh spilling out. “You realize we can’t eat nuts, right?”

“Eat. Them.”

“I literally can’t, those things mess you up—”

“You’re going to eat them, Llewellyn,” Doofus said, threateningly. “I suggest you do it now.” 

As far as being taught a lesson went, this seemed too… tame. Louie didn’t understand it. Doofus was totally unhinged, and while Louie absolutely did not want to eat something that his body couldn’t handle, it just felt like a punishment that was far too sane.

Louie had always prided himself on being able to read people pretty well, but right now, he was just confused.

Still, despite the lacking severity of the threat, he was still afraid. He’d be concerned for anyone who wasn’t afraid of some kid who’d kidnapped them, to be perfectly honest.

When Louie didn’t respond, Doofus glared at him. “Alright,” he said, dropping the nuts back into the bag and grabbing for the umbrella again. “If that’s how you want to be.”

“I don’t — I mean — we can talk this out, can’t we?” Louie said, panic gripping his heart even harder as he realized that he had no idea how to manipulate him. He couldn’t talk his way out of this one, could he?

The metal (and sharp) tip of the umbrella came up harshly against his chin, jerking his entire head up along with it and effectively cutting off whatever else Louie could have possibly tried to say. The point dug slightly into his neck in a painful manner, but that was the least of his problems, right now.

“You’re a real bratty child,” Doofus said, considering him for another moment. Too fast for Louie to keep up, the umbrella had been yanked away from him, and then slammed against his stomach.

He doubled over with a pained shout, wheezing as breath left his body.

The other end of the umbrella — the curved handle bit, this time — was practically shoved into his mouth, prying his beak open.

One of the walnuts was pushed into his mouth, and Louie immediately gagged. He couldn’t do anything to get away, so he could only do his best to swallow it, trying not to choke.

Doofus smiled that stupid little bastard smile.

That look was probably going to be burned into Louie’s nightmares when he got out of here.

Another of the stupid nuts was shoved into his mouth. He gagged again, he swallowed again. His mouth was already getting uncomfortably dry.

If ever he’d had the urge to eat a nut (he hadn’t, because he didn’t have a death wish), this experience alone would have been enough to get him to swear them off forever. He didn’t even like the flavor, not that he had much time to give thought to that.

Doofus didn’t stop until the bag was empty, and by that point, Louie was beginning to feel cramps churning in his stomach. He knew it would only get worse from here.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Doofus asked as he finally took back the umbrella. Louie just worked his jaw, trying to lessen the stiffness in it. He didn’t have it in him to reply.

His lack of response only seemed to make Doofus angry again, and before he knew it, the umbrella was bashed against him.

Louie yelped at the pain it brought, using his one free arm in an attempt to block the next blow. It didn’t do much. 

“You will answer me when spoken to!” Doofus shrieked, practically stabbing him with the force of the next hit.

“I’m sorry!” Louie cried. “Please stop!”

Doofus did not, in fact, stop. He just kept hitting him mercilessly. 

Louie had been given his fair share of injuries in the months he’d spent adventuring, but regardless, this hurt something awful. He supposed being assaulted with an umbrella would do that to a guy.

But no matter what he was saying, Doofus wouldn’t cease. He just kept attacking him.

At some point, Louie remembered that Doofus’s parents were there. “Help,” he begged, his voice cracking slightly.

“Doofus, stop,” his mom demanded. “This has gone far enough!”

“Are you questioning me?” Doofus shouted, finally stopping with the umbrella so he could storm over to his mother. “How dare you!”

He screamed, throwing down the umbrella so hard it could have broken. Louie flinched away from him, though the bracelet wouldn’t let him get far.

“That’s it. That’s it!” Doofus said, growling. He stomped towards the door, leaving without another word.

“Why would you do that?” Mr. Drake asked nervously, glancing towards the door.

“I’m not just going to sit by and watch him torture an innocent young boy!” Mrs. Drake snapped. “Are you alright, dear?”

“I’m… fine,” Louie said, smiling semi-convincingly. They weren’t the worst injuries he’d ever received. He’d be fine. Probably. Though it certainly hadn’t helped the nausea he was already feeling from the walnuts. He was worried he’d end up vomiting them up pretty soon…

Something in his pocket buzzed.

Something in his… he had his phone. He could call for help! He could get out of here!

Frantically, he pulled his phone from the pocket of his suit, fumbling with it slightly.

“What are you doing?” Mr. Drake cried.

“I’m calling for help!” Louie said, cursing to himself as the screen remained unresponsive for a moment. It had a few cracks on it from his beating. “Come on, you stupid piece of junk! Work with me!” he begged.

He didn’t have long until Doofus returned, that much was clear. He had to be fast.

The phone nearly fell from his grasp multiple times with how bad he was shaking, but he managed to hold onto it, pulling up his contacts app. Before he could dial anyone, he could hear approaching footsteps.

Louie stuffed the phone back in his pocket, doing his best to look unsuspicious. 

“I’m back!” Doofus declared, already in a significantly better mood. He met Louie’s eyes, then frowned. He took a few steps closer, refusing to break eye contact.

Louie held his breath, doing his best to win the staring contest. He didn’t like the look he was being given.

In the corner of his eye, Louie could see Mr. Drake fidgeting anxiously. Oh god, if he ratted him out again, he didn’t know what Doofus would do.

“Servant!” Doofus snapped. “Is there anything I should know?”

Louie met the man’s eyes, pleading with him silently. Surely he wouldn’t do it. Surely he would see reason.

“The new one has a phone!” he cried. “He tried to contact someone.”

Doofus glared at Louie, storming forward and pulling the phone directly from his pocket. Louie cried out in panic, reaching for it against his better judgement.

“I was willing to forgive you for your earlier behavior,” Doofus said, “but this? This is unacceptable.” he pocketed Louie’s phone, then pulled out another golden bracelet.

“What’s that for?” Louie asked, eyeing it nervously. “I — uh — I already have one of those!”

Doofus laughed, standing face to face with his captive. “Not quite, my friend present.” Before Louie could do anything to stop him, he’d clasped the thing around his neck.

For a moment, he didn’t even process it. He just stared at his captor in confusion, then slowly felt the bracelet around his neck with his free hand.

“What?” he squeaked.

Doofus clicked something on the remote, and suddenly Louie — could move his arm? What the hell?

Before he could get any ideas about running away, however, Doofus grabbed him roughly and dragged him away from the front door and further back into the house. They took several twists and turns, Louie struggling the whole way, before eventually, he was pulled into a room just as fancy as the other rooms here. The main difference was that, in the very middle of the room, as if it was just another piece of furniture, was a large crystal cage.

“Wait, wait wait, you can’t just—”

His last ditch effort wasn’t worth anything, and he was thrown into the cage anyway.

Immediately, he was prying at the bars, but they wouldn’t give. There was enough spacing that he could get his arm through, but he was nowhere near being able to squeeze between them. On the “bright” side, the cage itself wasn’t really cramped, per se. He could sit up fully, though he wouldn’t be able to stand. The floor of it was big enough that he could sprawl out, at least.

“You’ll be staying in here until you learn to respect me,” he said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some servants to tend to.”

He turned on his heel, leaving Louie all alone in the cage.

He put all of his strength into fighting against the bars, but for the life of him, they wouldn’t fucking budge. Shit.

When that didn’t work, he began to claw at his neck desperately in a poor attempt to get the newer band off. It was bad enough when it was just a bracelet, but now, with another piece of jewelry (this one seemingly functioning a little too much like a dog collar), it was only getting worse. And if the bracelet could prevent him from getting anywhere, who knew what this did?

He wasn’t making any progress.

“I hate only child day,” he declared to himself, trying to distract himself from his impending doom. “I’m never letting them do this again.” Assuming he had the chance to be angry with his brothers, that is.

No, no, he had to think positively. He was related to Scrooge McDuck! Not to mention his Uncle Donald. They wouldn’t let him rot here.

He hoped.

Some time later, Doofus returned.

Louie decided to try his luck one last time. “Please,” he said, “let me go. I just want to go home!”

“Oh, Llewellyn,” Doofus laughed, grabbing him by the tie and jerking him forward, his body slamming against the bars of the cage. He grinned darkly, taking another handful of the fabric in his fist until Louie couldn’t breathe.

He barely managed to get out a few choked sounds, unable to say anything coherent. 

“You need to learn your place,” he said, in the type of condescending way you’d speak to a pet that tried to bite you.

Louie decided he didn’t like that analogy. “Please,” he choked, his voice so raspy it could barely be understood.

“I do like when you beg me, friend-present.”

If there had been any oxygen actually going to his brain, Louie would have been disgusted. But he couldn’t breathe, and his vision was going fuzzy, and he didn’t have the energy to think about how psychotic this kid was.

He needed to breathe.

With the hand that didn’t have a hellish bracelet stuck around it, he weakly reached up, trying to push Doofus away. It only served to choke him further.

“I don’t quite think you understand,” Doofus said, jerking him forward again, the little bit of slack he’d managed to acquire now only working against him. “I own you. I wanted you the moment I saw you, and as I’m sure you’ve noticed by now — I always get what I want.”

And with those words, Louie had a horrible feeling that his fate was sealed.

[some-dark-side-writing]

The Egos Friend Gives Birth Headcannons:

•When it happens everyone fucking panics. Dark spills his chamomile on Bim, Bim steps on Schneep’s foot who now has to help you with a broken toe, Marvin sets the kitchen on fire because he was distracted... it’s utter mayhem.

•When the actual labour came Dr Iplier laid you down on an patient chair as he panicked and held his hands in a cupping motion under your crotch “I can help you!” “gET THE FUCK OUT” you screamed in pain till the ambulance drove you away, Schneep Dr Iplier and Dark following suit even if they all had to wait outside because Dark could still use his influence to calm you and the doctors were a no brainer. Phantom calls, driving over to the hospital immediately since he made sure you’d get the best treatment and of course if anything was to cost something it didn’t now that Phantom owned the best doctors in your area.

•When you walk through the door a day later with your newborn in your arms everyone is so quiet and still except for some unidentifiable squeaks

•You let Chase hold them first, because of course, and he’s so good. He burst into tears as soon as he set eyes on them and won’t stop now. He’s very careful and serious until you tell him to relax and that “You know what you’re doing, you’re a number one dad after all.” Then Chase is all smiley and making funny cooing noises “Who’s the cutest person here? You are! Oh yes you are! Who would I sell my soul to protect? Oh that’s right yes you’re so good aren’t you? Can you say uncle Chase? Oh they’re going to be so smart y/n.”

•”I might take you up on that soul bargain there bud” Phantom pipes in, passing his cane to you, since he’s not setting it aside in a house full of egos, as he walks up with his arms open expectantly (Robbie walks in for a hug but Marvin whispers that’s not what he meant). Chase is grumpy and I don’t think he’d trust Phantom a lot, but after a nod from you, he’d pass the baby to him and Phantom’s face lights up as soon as the babe is settled in his arms and it looks up at him “Because I’d protect this schnookums with a bargain or not! Hello there kiddin, oh are you smiling because your FAVOURITE uncle Phantom is here now?” I think Phantom would be great with kids naturally which not a lot of people expect. He’s definitely a fun rich uncle which lets be honest the kid would have a ton of now.

•Natemare is nervous even though he never thought he would be for this, pulling at the hem of his shirt till Phantom sighs. “Well, sadly my time is up with you young one, but now you get passed on to your second best looking unofficial uncle!” He slowly turns to face Natemare with a wide exaggerated grin and tilting the baby like a surprise gift for Mare. Natemare straightens up now all eyes are on him. “Are you sure? Maybe the glitch bitch wants them next or something...” but Phantom carefully slides them into Mare’s arms, with more teamwork than you’ve ever seen from them in public and Natemare is cradling that baby, he kind of turns his back to the others except for you. “Hello bubba. How are ya? You doing better than me coming to grips with this new world?” He looks up to you with a smile, you nod back proudly and he feels himsef tearing up as he whispers to them, wanting this to be a private moment. “Well don’t worry kid, I’m gonna be here to hold your hand through this journey every step of the way, your parent’s gonna be there too but meh.” He looks up to you with a smirk but you couldn’t hear what he was saying, the egos who had the ability to were hiding their smiles. “I swear, you’re gonna be the most loved and cherished kid out there, I’ll make it happen, your life is gonna be filled with nothing but fun, laughter, and music.” He turns back around to you, obviously more confident but still so soft as he gently bounces them, kissing their forehead sweetly and giggling red faced when the infant gets their finger inside the hole in his earring, gripping to that and to his falling fringe as they’re passed on to the next person, Natemare’s arms are now folded, missing that weight in them so much already, and he keeps his eye on them throughout.

•The baby loves tugging on Wilford’s moustache which everyone warned him about. “Don’t be silly now! How much power can a baby have?” He chuckled, already pushing his face into the baby’s, blowing raspberries on their stomach as Dark sighs “Yes but you also can’t shoot their arm off if they don’t let go Wil.” You quickly whisper to Dark, making sure he kept up his promise of no ‘shooties’ being around till you looked up after a sound of pain, luckily not coming from your own child, just small whelps and whimpers as they had a tiny tiny fist full of pink facial hair in their grip and Wilford chortling jollily. “It just means they love me!” He sighs happily and you assure him that is very much true. He waves bye to them once you manage to make him let go and pass them off to someone else.

•Don’t let Apocalypse near babies. He won’t squish it on purpose because there’s really no point in doing that and he’s not going to stick around long enough for it to start crying and piss him off. He’s not great with kids or people in general. Someone will have to push the baby into his crossed arms and hope he doesn’t have any reflexes that could drop them. If you were in his good book enough he’d be there “Stop being the biggest baby in the room and hold them” placing them in his arms before he can run off so he’s stuck there awkwardly and stiff, not looking down at it and trying not to clench his muscles. “Is it dead? Why the fuck (totally whisper hissed because innocent babby ears) did you give me a baby?!” But plot twist the babe falls right asleep because he holds them in a safe iron cage hold and is so warm it’s comforting to it. As soon as it’s asleep and he’s gotten over the one second shock it felt safe with him he’s threatening that even though you just gave birth he can kick your ass till someone takes the baby off him and then he leaves.

•The person snatching the now awake babe was probably Anti because he hates the idea of Apocalypse hurting your kid and he’s very jealous A got to hold them before he did. “How long till I can sling em in the air and throw them around and shit?” Chase throws a fit while you ensure Anti he can only do that if he wants a foot in his ass and knife in his heart. He winks at you, all while naturally rocking and bouncing the baby in his arms which no one expected him to do “Nah, I’ve already tried a knife, doesn’t work well on me, although this little thing is as fragile as Jackie’s feelings.” His eyebrows furrow when no one laughs or even Jackie takes a hit until he realised everyone’s staring at how expertly he’s holding them and how the baby is sucking Anti’s thumb?!? He passes them along while wiping his thumb in disgust (real or fake) and mumbling something under his breath, knowing he’s put a crack in his bad boy reputation.

•Robbie is sitting down in a chair to hold it, because no one can trust his arms won’t fall off, and he’s very very excited but also a nervous wreck. “M...Maaaybe I shouldn’t hold baby... don wanna hurt baaaaby.” And the egos make sure he had eaten till his stomach was bulging a little. He couldn’t see the baby from his sitting position, and Robbie is the only one who has never seen a baby in real life before. As soon as the baby is placed in his arms he cries as best as the zombie boy can cry. He’s so so gentle with them. And he absolutely loves them. His favourite thing is to not only see you but to see the baby too! And if he doesn’t see them for too long, even though the septics tell him that you have your own lives and the baby has a lot of learning and growing to do before play time, well he throws a fit anyway. He’s already gotten attached. Likes making silly faces and funny sounds the other egos have no idea how to possibly make which gives Robbie some pride when it makes them smile. Although once his funny face ended up getting scary when his jaw unhinged and when your baby started to cry so did Robbie. Chase took them and cooed until you came back and Robbie just couldn’t face you. You were scared he’d done something to hurt the baby, until chase told you, because rob had acted so guilty. He hid himself in his containment room for when he was full on zombie willingly, except with his favourite stuffed toy, and cried for days, telling everyone how he was a monster until you forced another play date and with it being a success it leads to your kid having a cool zombie friend and bodyguard for the rest of their life.

•Okay this is totally stolen from the tv show Whitechapel (if you haven’t seen it THE BEST dark detective tv series) but Dark is a bit hesitant since he’s used to being liked from his charming personality but his aura doesn’t exactly give off safe and trusting which kids just seem to pick up on, but everyone is pleasantly surprised when they haven’t been able to stop it’s crying until you pass them to Dark and he puts them against his shoulder, gently patting their back just twice, and the crying almost immediately stops. Even Dark is smiling smugly as he turns around to show Wilford and you all see a trail of sick from the baby is on the back of Dark’s suit. You all decide to not say anything and spoil the moment.

•Yan isn’t bad when the baby is passed to them either. Everyone was a bit nervous with Yan with their friends newborn too but Yan did an alright job when the newborn was passed over. “This is good practice for my future 10 children y/n.” Yan smiles, fingers itching a bit since Dark made them promise no katanas and no social media while you visited, phones were only allowed for pictures and videos which of course everybody took, making sure they had their own personal picture with the baby.

•Google was recording the entire event, including when Yan got a phone notification saying that senpai had posted a picture on Instagram and everyone noticed how Yan panicked, stepping forward and back undecided before they rushed to pass the baby to the nearest person and ran after their phone. That person was Google. He’d informed you from the start he would just film and didn’t want to take up others valued time holding the infant beforehand. But now he had them and as he looked down at them, his eyes recording all the little details of their face he did something no one expected (a lot of surprises coming from this baby) and he smiled. “Well I’m sure you’d be helpful for my secondary objective.” He wiggled a finger and what you thought was cooing turned out to be an experiment as they clung onto the finger that looked massive in their hand. “Ah there’s the social releaser.” He spoke to the baby now, in a quieter but still deep and uncooed voice “That would work with anyone else to make them fall in love and protect you, but not me, although I will make sure no harm comes to you if that will soothe you or your parent since, you can’t understand me.” He passed them to you immediately since you’d started walking over as soon as he mentioned using them for his secondary objective. Although that last part was somewhat sweet. “Yes, thank you G.”

•Bing ran over, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Hey it has to be my turn now right?” You smiled as the friendlier Iplier android held his arms out, cradling them only in one but you supposed an android was the safest to hold them like that. “Well hey there lil buddy. Sah tiny dude!” You chuckled quietly as Bing attempted to have them reciprocate fist bumps and very gentle high fives, as he raised his hand to his head, and slowly brought it down to barely make contact with their soft palm

•S34N did a scan as soon as the baby was in his arms. “All vitals are normal, they’re strong just like you y/n.” He smiled then, and you nodded back happily.

•dr Iplier grumbled. “I could have told you that.” And much to his embarrassment you heard him. “I think I know who wants to meet them next” You chimed but S34N was happy enough to pass them over. Dr Iplier did his own little checkups then, resting his head against their heart, shining a light in their eyes which made them burst into tears. Everyone started to grumble and throw insults at him but you helped him figure out how to soothe them.

•Host you had only just noticed seemed to be bursting with anticipation. He was waiting quietly and patiently but asked if he could sit down before they were passed to him. You told him that was perfectly fine, letting him get settled before placing your baby in his arms. You’d noticed he’d made sure to wear bright fresh bandages and smiled as they seemed to stare at each other for the longest time. “The Host looked down at y/n’s child, knowing their future was long and great as the child’s eyes opened to only see blurred images, but a sense of nothing but peace lay over them listening to... to the soothing sounds of the figure above them, in the warmth of their arms and the softness of what they could feel in their hands that would one day be bigger than their mothers...” You noticed your baby’s fist curled around Hosts trench coat and started to hear Host sniffling. “The Host would like you to pass them along lest he cry blood onto the newborn.” But quickly before you did he pressed the lightest kiss to their forehead.

•Author makes a raspberry sound with his mouth as egos turn to look at him. "Oh yeah, you think Host's a softie why don't you hold the baby?" Someone piped up. Author cracks his neck and takes the baby out of your arms, Dark noticeably rustles as he does this. But Author just smiles. "Well then, I suppose I'm expected to make a bunch of imaginary worlds for you to explore, but you'll have to finish a few of my personal favourite authors before that." He chuckled

•KOTS had brought a few squirrel friends, one who weren't diseased, to play with. The squirrels chattered as they watched their king take your baby, finding it heavier than he thought. "Very cute, even cuter than you Reynolds" he says to one of his squirrels, getting some back chat for it. Carefully they're taken from his arms before any peanut butter can drop on their face. (Note: the 'uh' baby covered in pb meme is totally this kid after a day with uncle king)

•Damien is so soft as he lifts your baby into his arms. He holds them to close to his chest, for once his mayor badge not being on, as he was worried about the pin. You all watch with short breaths as the baby's hand reaches up and pats Damien's clean shaven cheek. Damien audibly 'aw's, going weak in the knees, before clearing his throat. "Maybe someone should take them, before I make no rules for this munchkin in my town." He giggles, waving bye as they're taken away

•Bim is good with the baby. Pretending to eat their fingers as they reach up to stroke him. The threat of him gobbling them up becomes a sort of game between them through the next several years. "Aw, I could just eat you up!"

•"VIGHT! Zhat iz enough, i vill take zhem now, before you actually conzume y/n'z child!" He's very methodical with how he holds them, but you know he has a family too, so must have held a baby before. "It iz nice to meet you kliene.. Henrik/Henriketta?" He asks and you shake your head with a laugh.

•Marvin is practically bouncing with excitement when he realises it's his turn. He even takes his mask off, to get the best view of your infant as he holds them in his arms, cooing at them as fluffy toys on strings appear from the air, your child lifting their hands up to grab them. Marvin always uses little tricks to impress your child, or help their life, leading to a lot of shenanigans too.

•"show off." "Yeah, show off!" Even the baby's head turns to see who was speaking, watching the two jims bursting with need to be the next uncles they meet. They constantly swap them between each other, camera man him capturing the entire thing, annoying his twin when he forces them to hold the camera as he plays with your baby. "What a good Jim." "Very Jimmish y/n, good job!"

•jackieboy man is always there to protect your kid. As you pass them over to him you note "you look tired Jackie, and you haven't been the one in 14 hours of labour." He chuckles, saying how he wanted this to be the best palace for your kid to grow up, so he had no sleep cleaning up the streets in preparation for the 'little y/n' as he calls them. Jbm hovers in the air slightly, bouncing with your baby in his arms and they immediately fall into a peaceful sleep. You can see the conflict of sadness he can't coo and wake them, and happiness they fell asleep so easily in his arms

•JJ frantically signs "BE CAREFUL!" As jackieboy is a few inches in the air and you giggle to yourself, taking them from jackies arms as you hand them over to JJ. JJ makes lots of exaggerated facial expressions, your baby keeping eyes on him intrigued. Unfortunately he gets too close and his beautifully styled moustache gets pulled by the tiny. You see his face wincing in pain, not wanting to let go but clearly struggling. You move from under Angeliceye and Light's arms, them trying to give you your strength back as you walked up and helped pry their fists off Jameson's moustache. You try to help him fix it when your baby starts crying, their hands empty and everyone on the room cringes, either because they want to help or the noise is just unbearable.

•light comes up to you with open arms. "Y/n, let me, if you please." He asks, with a kind smile on his face. He waits for you to place the baby in his arms, humming to them as you sit exhausted, but keeping a close eye on your baby, even though you knew nothing would make Light hurt them or let anything hurt them

•Angeliceye comes over, Light offering him a chance to hold them, but Angel notes it's still his turn. Instead, with both their wings wrapped around the baby, angel takes their hand and smiles, their crying quieting. "I know dove, but you were hurting JJ- oh I know you didn't mean to!" There was a pause, enough for someone else to speak before Light giggled "yes you can keep holding on to our hands for a while-" he looked over at Jameson who was looking confused "and yes he's fine, don't you worry little petal." The baby made a small noise, moving in Amgels arms now. "Don't worry, yeah your parent's here, see? Oh there you go!" You didn't see any change in your baby but felt them grip to your shirt as soon as they were in their arms. "C-can you talk to babies?" You squeaked, not sure if you wanted to know the answer at this moment in time.

•And finally, it was Echos turn. He had been crying, more emotional than any android, or even most of the egos, that you knew. You had heard from Phantom, after giving birth, that Echo had been scaring himself with statistics of pain to people giving birth, convincing himself you nor your baby would come home, of course he only expressed these worries after you were both deemed fine. It was quite a few of the egos first babies that they knew, but Echo was one of the most nervous, even though he had all the knowledge in the world. He was so soft in holding them. Singing a song to them he'd read that had thee most calming effect for babies, it was in some foreign language you couldn't quite guess, but his voice was melodic like always. You could feel natemares little fit of jealousy from where you were standing, and elbowed him lightly. Echo held their hand on his own, kissing it softly as he just watched them, crying softly, happy.

•dark chica and light Chica are finally freed and come bounding in. Dark attempts to hush his dogs loud barks as you had placed your child in their baby carrier for the dogs to see. Dark held D!C back, pointing and hissing instructions at her and he firmly held her collar, Light leading L!C to your baby as her tail wagged non stop. She sat down calmly, licking your hand when you pet her in greeting and seeming to take that as an okay she learnt down and sniffed your baby. It gargled with interest. When D!C walked over she immediately became protective. Just like when you were pregnant. You'd had an okay relationship with the dark dog, but as soon as you were with child she'd sit on your lap all day, not letting you get up, and biting anyone hand that came close to your belly

•Even though living in a house with ALL egos will never happen because they’ll murder each other you will definitely come into the nursery to sense an ego outside the window or Anti in the baby monitor, sometimes you’ll even wake up to their crying and find an ego already there with a bottle in hand or cuddling into them, Natemare is singing lullabies a lot, sometimes to you too when you haven’t slept in days, you notice however when they’re crying for a change there almost never seems to be an ego in sight

•So. Many. Piggyback. Rides. Your kid will be on shoulders, being thrown around, swung upside down, tickled to death, they can never get away from the love. Everything this kid needs or wants is provided for them. You tell the egos they’ll end up spoilt so you make sure to raise them with all the correct manners before they get their present/s of the day.

•Once when it was Natemare and Apocalypse’s duty for babysitting they took the kid to the park when they were pushed off the monkey bars by a bully. Natemare rushed over only to get punched in the dick by the bad mannered kid and fall to the floor. A strode up, picked your kid off the sand, stroked said sand off of them a bit roughly with his massive hand but they were used to it with him, and placed the kid on one shoulder, walking away. “Glad you didn’t beat up that six year old sunshine” “Shut up shorty, at least I didn’t get beaten up BY the six year old” (and when Natemare is buying ice cream A totally crouches with the kid on his shoulder so they can ‘complete’ the monkey bars and A even finds the corner of his lips curling up as the bully kid looks dismayed and fails to complete the obstacle themselves)

•Education is obviously paid for, only the best, and even offered by the likes of Google and Phantom who has many an Oxford professor up his sleeve (in his orb)

•When they get older there’s no need to let them know what all these family friends really were because there was no point in keeping it a secret in the first place. If Robbie wasn’t a dead (get it, dead) giveaway, them not aging would have been, plus they like to show off their supernatural powers if the situation arises to protect them (and to make the kid think THEY were the coolest uncle). So many background checks on friends and anyone the kid wants to date but they relax once they know everything is safe since, they get privacy is important and make sure the others do the same, especially Google

[fighterfortheforgotten]

PINOF Through the Ages

ah, November, that special time of year between halloween and christmas where i can buy “fun sized” (read “thumb sized”) chocolate bars and tinsel in the same aisle at walmart…

it’s also that time of year where members of the phandom, young and old, come together and collectively binge watch all the PINOF videos in preparation for the newest installment, as we wait with bated breath for what fresh hell we’re gonna be hit with this year.

today, i would like to share with you my observations of PINOF Through The Years, as we embark on the fucking trip that is sure to be PINOF 9…

Phil is not on fire (25 October 2009)

- can you IMAGINE what the hell Phil’s parents and/or brother must’ve thought when they were filming that/saw it for the first time?! Phil brings home this random kid he found in a train station and they start giggling like actual 12 year olds and wandering round the house talking about The Shining, using the exercise equipment Phil has probably never stepped foot on in his life, and drawing on their faces in sharpie? i can fucking HEAR Kath saying “Phil…honey…are you on the drugs?” and Martyn cackling like a lunatic in the background at his brother and his weird friend….

- Dan is trying so. damn. hard. not to laugh throughout the entire video.

- Speaking of Dan, even back then he was a sassy, cocky lil shit… “every animal makes that noise with you…” “wow Phil, i bet they’re all so glad they can see the diagram…” “no, okay, Phil has really crappy GHDs that don’t even work…they don’t even work…they are Poundland GHDs.”

- everyone always talks about The Tackle™ at the end of the video, but not NEARLY enough people talk about the lil smirk Phil gives the camera just before it…like, seriously?! that’s a “haha, here goes nothing!” kinda smirk. thats a “lol watch this!” kinda smirk. thats a “give the people what they want” kinda smirk…im just sayin’…

Phil is not on fire 2 (29 May 2010)

- okay, first of all, Dan…sweetheart…did you borrow that cardigan from your mum?

- Dan: “if you could choose which surname you had, what would be your decision?” Phil: “…umm…” *almost imperceptible but still definitely there jumpcut* Phil: “Striker!”….yeah, yeah, yeah, alright, everyone knows that Phil really said “yours” in an incredibly sheepish and embarrassed voice to Dan that made him go “awwww!….you’re cutting that out…”, but lets appreciate the editing skills it took to make the cut so completely (almost) seamless….

- oh. my. GOD! there is an ENTIRE post JUST about the microwave moment, but i have to reiterate it again for those who have recently entered this hellscape: imagine you are Phil Lester, a 23 year old adult with an ENGLISH LANGUAGE DEGREE, and in comes this adorable 18 year old twink trying to tell you that “microwave” is a fucking onomatopoeia! if i was Phil, THIS would be the moment i’d never let Dan live down. fuck “hello internet”, if he ever pissed me off i’d just be like “yeah, well, at least i know microwave isn’t a fucking onomatopoeia…” and walk away. argument done, you win every time.

- and that being said, again, lets appreciate how much we can learn from the facial expressions of Philip Michael Lester. in that moment, the look he gives Dan is pure “are you fucking serious…?” it is incredulity in a nutshell. it is shock and fondness and “oh my god you are such a twat…”. if there were a dictionary of facial expressions, Phil’s face at the moment Dan says fucking microwave is his favourite onomatopoeia would be the one next to the definition of “wtf?”

Phil is not on fire 3 (1 November 2011)

- 2011 was, by far, the WORST year for Dan and Phil’s hair. tragic. absolutely tragic…

- wow, Dan was right, every animal DOES make the same noise to Phil, including horrific genetic hybrids of land and sea mammals…

- Dan’s ability to almost unhinge his jaw is terrifying…and i’m sure has played a part in lots of phanfic that i’m definitely not going to look for ever…

- okay, seriously guys?! the word is vagina. say it with me: vagina. come on! all together now! it’s not a *awkward silence and weird hand gesture*, it’s not a “birth area", it’s just a vagina…for someone who knows so much about placenta, it strikes me as odd that Dan can’t say the word vagina out loud…

- i’ve never heard anyone giggle as much as Dan does in this video…

Phil is not on fire 4 (12 September 2012)

- the hair is better this year…slightly…

- whoever decided that those face mask things were a good idea needs to be buried alive…the way they look when they move is so horrifying, it gives me nightmares.

- the “gu-hoy!” noise Dan makes in this video (ts 3:21 if you’re at all interested) is my text alert on my phone and it makes me panic every time i watch it because im like “wtf is someone texting me for at 11:53 pm?!” but then i realize it’s just the video and that i’m actually still very alone and have no friends…

- (bloopers bonus!) petition to have 2012 be known in the phandom as, ‘The Year Dan Was Finally Comfortable With The Word Vagina’. that’s all it was guys! he learned a new word and just wanted to show how broad his vocabulary had become!

Phil is not on fire 5 (22 November 2013)

- and right off the bat we’re affronted again by the fact that Dan and Phil have zero concept of how female anatomy works….

- this is probably the most uneventful pinof in the entire series.

Phil is not on fire 6 (6 November 2014)

- to return to the hair discourse, i firmly maintain that 2014 was the best year for their haircuts/styles.

- Phil has no concept of what a sassy face is…

- #StopPhil201X needs to just be a recurring thing every year…

- that poor, poor snake…

- petition for Dan to sing the national anthem at every tour stop in 2018

- the idea of Dan trying to carry on the legacy of Phil Is Not On Fire after Phil’s death is so damn heartbreaking to me…i need a minute

- my lil demon soul is convinced that Phil was doing *something* to Dan’s neck when they both tried to fit through that sweater…i mean, look at his face when he laughs and says “stop". seriously?!

- something about Dan with his fringe swapped, on the wrong side of the bed, and wearing Phil’s shirt makes me feel almost uncomfortable, but in a way that i’m not entirely sure how to process…

- (bloopers bonus!) to reiterate! every animal does, in fact, make the same noise to Phil. this has now been confirmed 3 times.

- (bloopers bonus!) the amount of pleasure Phil is able to derive from any mention of Hello Internet warms the deepest recesses of my soul like the light of the sun after a 1000 year winter.

Phil is not on fire 7 (29 November 2015)

- uh, excuse me? do not drag my country in such a way. Canada is indeed real. it’s where maple syrup comes from. as someone who enjoys the simplicity of a good pancake, i expected better from you Mr. Philip.

- i feel so bad for their neighbours during the stress mushroom tug of war…like, can you imagine what those poor people must’ve thought of them? i’d love to interview their neighbours one day…better yet, their neighbours should write a book: “I Lived Next To YouTubers For 5 Years: The Adventure" and just have it be a chronicle of every weird thing they ever witnessed/encountered.

- with every passing year, Dan’s knowledge of fanfiction tropes and writing styles becomes increasingly disturbing…hide the smut everyone Daniel Howell is coming for it.

- Phil! with the puns! honestly Dan, how do you put up with this man?

- (bloopers bonus!) the way dans voice changes when he grabs Phils underwear and is just ENTHRALLED with the fact that he’s colour coordinates his boxers to his bedsheets is probably the single most disgusting thing i have ever witnessed in my entire life…i mean, i love it, but why are you SO EXTRA?!

Phil is not on fire 8 (29 November 2016)

- NOTHING in the animal or cutlery kingdoms should be born or created in the way Phil describes the birthing process of a spork!

- okay. OKAY! i love the fringes, i really do. i’m a fringe fan from way back, but the hair pushed back thing they get going on sometimes? i can get on board with that.

- aaaannd at 1:57 into pinof 8, the little game i like to play called “Phan or Viktuuri" had all of its lines blurred so far beyond recognition i’m not even sure which universe i’m living in anymore.

- the PSA for “staying hydrated"…such a harmless, and beautiful message about health and self care that the phandom managed to turn into a sex meme…but no one is surprised by that now, are they?

- i need to know why that stock photo exists in the first place…also, why the hell was Phil wearing sandals in November?

- (bloopers bonus!) Phil: “phil is not on fire 8! this time its…what the tagline?” the phandom: “…gayer than ever?” Dan: “full of regrets.” the phandom: “…i mean I GUESS!!!”

- (bloopers bonus!) everything about this blooper reel just confirms even more solidly that Dan is the biggest Phil fan in the world. i’m not gonna wax poetic about the compliments or the comparisons to sunshine or anything else, because at this point is it really necessary? no. i thought not.

and there we have it. just in time for PINOF 9 to be released, a full (and much more in depth than intended) recap of the saga thus far…wake me up when Gamingmas starts, cuz after this video comes out, i’m gonna need a solid week of sleep

[lameunknown]

so i watched tlj

i’m just gonna ramble in long bullet points bc aint no way i’m forming coherent thoughts right now. spoilers ahead, duh. 

one of my fav parts about the experience was how the movie theater was packed full of people just as crazy and excited about this as me & alex. we literally either held hands or hugged tight during the entire movie bc i don’t think we’d survive otherwise lmao. get you a friend who’s not afraid to show support through physical contact. also it was 8 pm so there weren’t that many kids. people clapped several times and when kylo & rey blew up luke’s lightsaber someone yelled “FUCK” super loudly and everyone else agreed

speaking about kylo and rey.....yeah lucasfilm....this is what we’re not gonna do. it scares me SO. MUCH. that even as an avid anti r*ylo i couldn’t help seeing it, and i’m TERRIFIED of ep 9 for that exact reason. the hand touching was disgusting. like all these moments would’ve been absolutely precious if only there was a way to see them as purely platonic, but after these two long years there sadly is not. i really wanted them to work together as PLATONIC PARTNERS and possibly later FRIENDS but i guess not. :( also i hated her parentage so much? like i hope he was just lying to her bc they HAVE to be related. i refuse to believe they aren’t. and if they aren’t, rey better be obi wan’s or qui gonn’s or pure force spawn or some shit, foh with that scavenger bullshit. 

speaking of kylo! these segways are really working out great so far. yeah my boy dumb as shit. like every time i think he can’t possibly do anything stupider he goes and fuckin does it. i guess that’s what the mix of skywalker tomfoolery, solo stupidity and the fact that a powerful dark entity has been fucking your head up since your early childhood does to you, but i honestly can’t with him jesus. supreme leader??? deceiving & YELLING at rey? really kyle??? go to your fucking room boy you got some serious nerve behaving like this after seemingly making all that progress. at least he looked amazing (that cloak moment at the end? come thru!) and i loved that he wasn’t wearing his mask and cloak most of the movie. i love his resting sad puppy face and his gorgeous fridge body. don’t come for me

we talked about kylo so naturally it’s time to talk about hux. can we please take a moment to thank the writers for making fanon hux canon in the best possible way? and in the first five fucking minutes of the movie, too? i was so happy i couldn’t believe my eyes OR ears. seriously, it almost feels as if they went through all of our best fics and fanarts ( @kyleauxwren ‘s ICONIC wine mom hux comes to mind) and decided to just give the gays what they want, and it was a. ma. zing. and what a wonderful surprise it was bc they didn’t give him even a second in the trailer but in the movie we got T O N S of perfectly written, sassy, undereye circles, fed up with all this shit hux. i’m in love. would’ve preferred him slightly more rugged, with some stubble and possibly sipping from a flask, but that’s just me getting cocky. 

you already know. i fucken hate kylux. we didn’t get as much direct face-to-face communication and sadly no catchphrase to top “careful, ren”, but i thoroughly enjoyed the little moments in which they (mostly hux) tried to cooperate? like ngl it was mostly hux trying to make the best out of the situation he’d find himself in and negotiate with kyle and then kyle would just lash out and start banging him around and tbh i felt kinda sorry for him, but i guess that’s life when your boyfriend is an unhinged nearly all-powerful manchild. part of me still hopes kylo calms down at least a little bit and starts appreciating/respecting hux for putting up with so much of his shit (again.......supreme leader is dead long live the supreme leader???? the only thing you are is supreme idiot you stinky) lmao. but that’s irrelevant to the actual canon so imma stop. i gotta point out though, the choking scene does look like a hardcore kylucc shipper wrote it..........i immediately remembered those gifs from crash pad you know which ones.........

luke. can’t say i’m overly surprised/saddened by his death bc it was built up thoroughly and what rey said describes it quite nicely, but i was extemely shocked to find out the whole ben incident. i truly didn’t think luke was capable of that under any circumstances, the dark side or snoke or whatever must’ve gotten to him in that moment. and this knowledge makes me even more uncomfortably sympathetic to kylo, call me a dirty apologist (even though i don’t CONDONE his actions, i just understand his motives and wish for him to get better), see if i care. i do feel incredibly sorry that luke didn’t find it in him to forgive himself and lived with that horrible thought for so long, but idk man, as it’s already been said it’s not like leia wasn’t even more affected? idk how i feel about the whole exile thing. probably same as with everything kylo does - i kind of understand where he’s coming from but it’s not the right thing to do. 

leia. tbh i feel incredibly sad for the entire resistance and i can’t even imagine how one would feel in her place. carrie was brilliant as always, and although i didn’t cry my eyes out every time she came on screen, i felt it in my heart. the scene in the beginning got me hard and i’d really thought we’d lost her, which would’ve been kinda....not really approppriate imo, but then we got to see her use the force, and to which extent! it was a scene we waited for for years and it did not disappoint. her mom moments with poe were also extremely cute. i was kinda bummed out when she didn’t go out to talk with kylo. i wonder why she didn’t, did she really give up on him completely in that moment? i wonder how they’re gonna do ep9 without carrie :(

poe. and finn. and rose. i enjoyed all their scenes immensely but the big hoof kitty chase on that casino planet and finn’s face off with phasma are definitely highlights. poe just kept being poe throughout the movie which is always a raging success in itself but as i said, i enjoyed his mother-son moments with leia so much i was almost moved to tears. not quite, but almost.  finn looking for rey as soon as he woke up was amazing, of course. as well as his interactions with rose. i’ve heard people say finnrey is dead bc of that lil kiss but i honestly don’t see it? i didn’t see any romantic interest from finn, the only way i interpret this as is rose having an innocent crush on a hero and deciding to take her chance before she thought she would’ve died. about that, too, i love my son with my entire heart but what was he thinking flying directly into that thing :( please don’t ever do that again oh my god. 

overall, i liked the movie, even though it left me with some EXTREMELY mixed feelings and shattered perceptions. imma have to watch it a couple more times to take everything i can in properly but i liked it a lot, and not only because it’s star wars and it’s what i’ve been living for for the past 2 years. one of the things i loved about it was the comedy. it was just the perfect amount, at the right time, in the right places, perfect. although if i hadn’t watched th/or 3 before this i would’ve been taken aback lmao, i wasn’t used to humor in sci-fi/fantasy before. the plotlines i feel like were a bit scattered and hard to keep track of sometimes. tfa remains my favourite star wars movie but if anything, tlj was completely original plot wise (you can’t pick a clear match for it out of the rest of the movies the way you can with anh and tfa), even if it led to some confusion and scattering. 

i probably meant to mention something else but it’s 4 am and i gotta go to bed at some point. please talk to me about this movie if you’ve seen it as well, and if you read this far i hope you have the most wonderful day. 

[theunwrittenones]

Prompt #3

„Dude, we are not asking the dragon for directions.”

“Dude, we`re not asking the Dragon for directions.” He slammed the warning down on her, like a sledgehammer to an anvil.

“Alright, alright. I got it, ok?” Ferroy brushed the dark leather-gloved hands off her collar and took a step back. It was bad enough that people talked about them already. A scene was the last thing they needed right now.

“Look Vince, it’ll be easy peasy lemon sqeezy, I tell you!” The bald man called Vince gave her a look, that told her exactly how not amused he was about her flippant attitude.

“Don’t yer fucking ‘Vince’ me, Roy!” He knew how much she despised it when he abbreviated her name like that. “Listen Girl, you go down that stinking hell hole of a dungeon and all sorts of crazy shebang is going to happen to you.” He couldn’t see her rolling back her eyes behind the giant brim of her hat, but he knew her to well, to pick up on it. “Roll those squinty balls back a little further and maybe, just maybe, you can see the sun shining in your arse!” He put his hands on his hips and averted his eyes.

She leaned in to him and spoke through gritted teeth: “Vince, do you think that I -of all people- don’t know how fucking dangerous that damn manor is?” He didn’t look at her, but ever so slightly shook his head. His skin was unnaturally pale, so that the red-brown scars, traced all over his face in their crisscross pattern, became even more obvious.

“I wouldn’t have accepted, if we had a darn choice, now would I? Guess what, dear brother, we don’t have a choice, not anymore.” Vince stared at the ground, as if he expected to find the right argument hidden between dusty wooden boards. She relaxed and put her hand on his shoulder. He wanted to do right by her, she knew. After all, they only had each other.

Their parents and friends were simply gone, devoured by the blight. Growing up in an orphanage was tough. The Mistress and Director had a deal with the local farmers, so they were raised in slave labor. Working children still were a viable currency back then.

The streets took them, as soon as their teenage years began to dawn. The unmitigated gateway to a life of crime and violence. Ferroy then, discovered her unhealthy affinity to knives. It didn’t take her long to work her first wet-job. In the beginning, she was sloppy. Her Targets got away sometimes and her clients tried to ditch her on occasion, but she was a quick learner. Vince on the other hand had a nag to acquire all sorts off dangerous friends. Often the wrong types of people in wrong types of places, but always high up in rank and unhinged in all the bad ways.

Their wild years began shortly after they carved a market for themselves. Leviathan Bay was a candy store and no one said no to the ‘Grimm Twins’. One slip up, however, is often enough to send your luck straight down the toilette bowl.

Ferroy owed money. To the wrong people. People introduced to her by Vince.

“You’re right.” Vince wiped invisible mud off his face. “Of course, you’re right. Just promise me, don’t do anything rash!”

She shrugged: “You know me.”

“Damn right, I do.” His tempered flared up again, but he fought it down.

“The bastard is here, brace yourself.”

An incredible fat man made his way through the crowd. His gestures, as he greeted several townsfolk, were relaxed and aloof. Rakash-Tai Vun, ‘caretaker’ of most known and unknown gambling houses in Leviathan Bay, effortlessly split the groups of people that stood in his path. It took him a few moments to spot them, but when he did, a smile began to crack his face.

Talking to Rakash was every bit as disgusting and loathsome, as she imagined. Even now, Ferroy felt ice sliding down her bare back. There were the usual threats of skinning and bone breaking, of course. Talk that seemed to come so natural to people with deep confidence issues. However, the price to pay was much steeper this time around. The way he looked at them made her knife hand itch. ‘Forced employment’ was the term, Rakash used. Vince, despite all that, kept his head cool. He never apologized or begged. He simply offered the plan Ferroy had pushed on him earlier and wrapped it up like the deal of the century. Rakash took the bait. He knew the risk, but craved the reward even more. Their debt was mere formality to him, but meant all to them. Now, there was a unique opportunity, each man of the business dreamed about.

She departed to her very probable doom around noon the next day. Leviathan Bay was but a speck in the distance. A grey wound in the spotless golden fields behind her. In front of her rose the ‘Chocking Hills’. Covered almost to completion with thick forest, that held bandits at best and unspeakable horrors at worst. There was however, an upside to her situation. Her two traveling companions were over all quite pleasant. There was almost no talking. Their only exchanges were social grunts, when task needed to be performed or hand signals, when they were hunting and navigating.

It took them the better part of the afternoon to arrive at their destination, the serpentine, narrow path up to ‘Raven Barrow’.

Never had her eyes seen more dilapidation then here. Corpses, bloated out of proportion by unknown diseases, littered the streets. Nearly all houses appeared to be caved in and inhabitable. Gallows hung right in front of her, holding lifeless forms gently swaying from the tireless arm of the giant scaffold, built in the town square. There was madness in the serenity of this horrific landscape. From the farmstead to her left emanated a sick purple glow. She knew it to be there, because of the stories she heard when she was quite young. Something from the depth of the ‘Wailing Forest’ took quite literally roots there. Last but not least, the manor house itself. Its quite, ominous presence overshadowed the whole of ‘Raven Barrow’. Built on the highest location just outside of town. Like a dark sentinel, always watching. Ferroys heart took a dive into her stomach. The pure rawness of death all around almost made her dizzy. Her two companions urged her forward and she was glad they did, for she wasn’t sure what she would have done. Her instincts screamed flight, but flight was not an option.

So she braced herself, for there was only one way to go…

“We are not asking the dragon for directions!” Jimmy says. I loath him for being a coward. Being a coward myself, naturally, I don’t say anything. Instead I step back, out of the streetlight and closer to the forest. The ‘dragon’ was the one that yelled insults at us, but Jimmy had been stupid enough to reply. We’d almost made it home after our D’n’D session at Kim’s.

“This isn’t D’n’D, Jimmy.” Mona says and pushes her elbow into Jimmy’s side. Mona is fierce. One day I want to have the courage to ask her out. I could take her up the mountain and map out constellations at night. I think she would like that.

“This isn’t D’n’D, Jimmy.” Our enemy grunts and his friends join the laugher. Wonder who the ‘dragon’ is? It’s George the dumbest and meanest guy from school. Walking cliché and quarterback of our school team the ‘Mighty Smallville Dragons’.

Finally, Mark, our Dungeon Master each Friday night and king of the nerds (he gets beaten up the least at school), steps forward.

“We don’t want any trouble.” Mark says, and George cocks his head like he’s just warming up. Mark is tall, but in a stretched out lanky way. He doesn’t stand a chance. George and his friends laugh. There’s us, Mark, Jimmy, Mona and I. Four nerds against four of the dragons. They are going to beat the shit out of us.

“Fucking dumb asses.” George says and lets his fist crack against Jimmy’s head. Jimmy goes down like he rolled a critical one.

“No!” I shout and step forward on impulse. I’m next. My lip splits when George’s fist collides. My hand goes up to my jaw on instinct and warm blood spills into my mouth. It dribbles down my chin as I stagger back. I feel around my teeth with my tongue. My incisor cut into my cheek, but all my teeth are okay.

“Shit. What the hell is wrong with you?” Mona aims at George and the dude is too surprised or too dumb to move. She bitch-slaps George. I’d swoon if I weren’t occupied with the pain in my face.

“You’ll regret this.” George says. “Cunt.” He adds, and I see how Mona’s face scrunches up in anger.

“We gotta run!” Jimmy says. I grab Mona by the elbow. Jimmy helps Mark back to his feet. George looks like he might murder Mona. You don’t hit girls. Maybe George abides to that rule, but better not risk it.

“God, I wish we could do something against that guy. He’s such a dick.” I exclaim, when we’re far away from George and his cronies, close by my house.

“What happened to you, Andy?” My mom asks when she opens the door. I’m dragged into the kitchen, where she and grandma make a fuss. Grandma dabs my lip with something that makes my eyes water.

“Was it that big boy George Miller?” Mom asks, but I shake my head. I’m not a traitor. Guess the heat in my cheeks is telling enough.

“You know how those dragon guys are.” I say, and my Mom puts a band-aid on my face. Come Monday, let’s hope I’m all healed up. I don’t want to look like a total looser at school. Mom steps away from me and gives me a worried look. I’m glad Dad is still at work, because he would be angry at me for not fighting back. Dad was never a nerd, he was one of the cool kids. He’ll never understand.

“They are bullies.” Grandma says. “When you’re ready, come upstairs. I have something to show you.” She adds with a sad smile. Avoiding eye-contact, Mom and I exchange a few platitudes about how our day was, before I head upstairs. I scratch at the congealed blood that dribbled down my neck. Yelling for Grandma I follow her voice into her bedroom. I’m never in here, it’s too stuffy and just like I don’t want Grandma to invade my privacy and hang out in my room, I never stay long in hers. She’s sitting at her dresser, the yellow lamp light smooths out her wrinkles. Something glistens in her palm.

“Take it!” She says when I reach her. I look at it, it’s a small green carving of a dragon. Too heavy to be plastic. There’s a hole going through its middle, like you are supposed to wear it on a chain around your neck.

“It’s made from jade.” She explains. “Your Grandpa brought it back after ‘Nam.” She says.

“Uh, thanks.” I say, unsure what to do.

“Your Grandpa said it was for protection.” She says and folds her hands over mine to wrap around the jade dragon. Her hands are wrinkled and dry, but warm.

“I think you should have it.” She says and I pocket it.

“Thanks, Grandma.” I want to turn around and leave, but Grandma stops me with a hand to my forearm.

“You’re a good boy, Andy. I just wished you would believe in yourself.” I swallow hard. Suddenly I feel not only embarrassed, but crushed. It’s like she can look right behind my eyes and into my thoughts.

“Promise me, next time you and your friends meet the Miller boy you’ll try to talk to him.” Grandma continues and lets go of my arm.

“There’s no point talking to them. They’ll- you know how they are- they’re-.” I stop and she finishes for me: “They’re violent. At least, I can tell you this: high school doesn’t last forever. Once you went to college, and Miller and his friends are still stuck in Smallville, you’ll have the upper hand. And because you’re you, you won’t hold it against them.” She says it with a fond smile, that makes me look at my shoes.

“I think I understand.” I mumble, without looking up.

“Good night, Andy.” Grandma says.

Lying awake for at least an hour, I imagine all the things I could have said to George Miller to keep him from hitting my friends, but every time it ends the same: I am the one that gets beaten up, even more than today. Curled into a tight ball, I stare into the darkness. All the other guys at school make fun of me too, even the girls. They always find a reason: my glasses, my fat ass, the cheap T-shirts my Mom buys me. Every time their jabs hurt just as much as a physical beating. There are tears in my throat. Gulping, I remind myself that I am too old for crying.

The moonlight glistens on the little jade dragon I put on my night stand. It’s cool to the touch and I curl my hand around it in a tight fist and press it to my chest. It calms be down, I think, but maybe I am just exhausted. I’m so, so tired. The stone warms to my touch until it becomes a pinpoint of fire. The dragon is scourging my chest, but after all, I am only dreaming.

I wake up and double over coughing. The smell of smoke clogs up my lungs. I take a deep breath, arch my back. Fire, I think, and jump to my feet. There’s a fire in the house. The jade dragon falls to the floor with a clink. I’m halfway down the steps, before I realize the smell of smoke is gone. Maybe a remnant of a dream. Slower, with my heart beating fast in my eardrums, I walk down the rest of the stairs.

The TV‘s on mute in the living room. I expect my Dad to be sleeping on the couch (he doesn’t like to wake up Mom in the middle of the night). But Dad isn’t there. There’s noises coming from the porch. Following the commotion, dread drops into my stomach. My parents are outside, talking in hushed voices with our neighbor through the fence. Grandma is probably still sleeping upstairs. Dad has his arm slung over Mom’s shoulder and she’s huddled close.

The wood creaks under my feet. Their heads turn. My neighbor says his goodbyes and vanishes back inside.

“Go back to bed, Andy!” Dad tells me, but my eyes find Mom’s.

“What happened?” I ask.

She shakes her sleep tousled head. “There’s been a fire in town.” She stops, swallows, like she needs to find the right words first: “George Miller’s house burned to the ground.” She finally settles for the truth.

I feel an odd and disconcerting mixture of fear and excitement trickle down my spine.

“Is he dead?” I ask and hold my breath. My lungs feel hollow, like someone scooped them out like ice cream with a big spoon. Dad clears his throat. Mom pushes out of his embrace.

“He’ll know from the newspapers anyway.” She says. “George, his parents and his little sister Jody didn’t make it out alive. The smoke suffocated them, before the fire reached the upper level of their home.” I immediately wonder if they woke up first and weren’t able to get out of the house.

“The firemen came in too late.” Dad explains. After I say nothing for several seconds, he asks: “Son, are you okay?”

I nod, but it’s automatic.

“I feel- I feel sorry for them.” I stutter, cross my arms around my chest.

“Go back to bed! Try to sleep if you can!” Mom says and steps closer. She wants to hug me, but I step out of her reach. It feels like her touch would burn me to a crisp.

“Sorry.” I mumble. “Good night Mom.” I say and exchange a look with my Dad, before I turn on my heals and go back inside. In my room I close the door behind me and lean against it for a moment. I try to take even breaths, but it doesn’t work. George was a bad guy, a bully, a total dickhead, but him and his whole family didn’t deserve to die.

There’s something on the edge of my awareness that comes into focus now. A small stabbing pain right in the middle of my chest where the breastbone is. As I think about it the pain intensifies. My hand is shaking as I inspect my shirt. There’s a burn mark right where I pushed the jade dragon against my chest.

“Shit.” I cuss and repeat the words so much it becomes a litany. I stumble over to my wardrobe and open the doors to look at my reflection. I look like a wax puppet. My skin’s shiny and sweaty. My mouth snaps shut. With clammy fingers I lift my shirt. It drops to the floor and I see the red burn mark on my chest. The skin is alleviated where the jade dragon touched down. On closer inspection I can see that the outline of the dragon is drawn in red angry lines, like it literally burned my skin away. It’ll scar. It’ll stay for everyone to see. I gulp. It’s evidence of what I did. Whatever my Grandpa brought back from Vietnam is dangerous. It killed George and Jody and their parents.

I search for the dragon. It fell under my bed. It’s no longer calm and cool, but hot. I close my fist around the pendant. With my eyes shut, I am certain it pulses in sync with my own heart beat. For a moment I feel like I am the one in control for once in my life.

I take the hike up to the mountain, the jade dragon sleeps in my pocket. All thoughts of taking Mona up here are pushed aside. I need to see with my own eyes. I looked at George’s house on Google Maps. It’s one of those two story block buildings, unspectacular, except it wasn’t the only one like it build in that street. After checking the weather and reading up on how fires develop and behave under certain conditions, I am certain the other houses should have caught fire too. Additionally, it had been a fairly stormy night. From up here I can see the building. It’s easy to find among the strong colors of spring. The Miller house is a black burned hole. I got my binoculars with me. I check the surrounding ground. Not even the grass around the building is burned or the least bit dried out, but lush and green. It’s like the fire came from inside the walls itself.

It’s a curse, is it not? I try flinging the jade dragon down the cliff. I don’t want it anymore. But it stays in my palm like it has been glued to it. The whole next week I attempt to get rid of the damn thing. But it’s no use. I thought about giving it away as a gift, because that is how I got it from Grandma, but I can’t do that to the bullies at school, least of all my friends. A rumor starts, about me paying someone of the dropout kids in town to burn down George Miller’s building. I try laughing it off, but to my own ears it’s a bitter laugh. Guess the others know I had something to do with the fire one way or the other. Even my friends start avoiding me after a while. Maybe they can sense something isn’t right with me. For a while, things stay quiet. Soon the kids at school forget the whole affair and George Miller becomes an anecdote, nothing more. That’s how the bullying starts up again.

It’s not the same. The fire changed something inside of me. The night of the dragon let me get my revenge on George. This time, when someone tries to get under my skin, I know what I can do to make them regret it. The worst thing is that I like the thought. I like the idea of power. I don’t know what the dragon can do. But the bigger question is what I am capable of. That scares me most of all. Grandma was wrong, I am not a good boy. I’m afraid one day I’ll have enough. I’ll snap and use it again on someone else. I fear for that day to come.

„Dude, we are not asking the dragon for directions.”

“But it’s so cute and fluffy.”

“Are you out of your mind? It’s huge. Has scales and fucking spits ice.” My friend hissed under his breath, pointing with his swords towards the beast.

In between the tannin-brown forest, the icy-blue dragon wasn’t able to hide very well. The grass was crisp under my feet. I looked up and the trees were skyscraper tall, reminding me of home. My view went between my friend Leroy and then back to the dragon. The beast really looked cute, with round little ears and blue sparkling scales. Maybe he was not fluffy but I knew deep down, that this dragon had to be a good guy. Someone we could trust. You just had to look at those feline eyes, they were gleaming with cunning and somewhat kindness. He wasn’t aware of what would come for him. It made me trust him on the spot.

“I’ll go talk to him.” I let my companion know. Hands traveling down to my battle-ax. “You think I should leave my ax here? It would show I come in peace. He might not attack me right away.”

“Kane, if you leave now I’ll go back to the tavern and spend my coin. You’re not a dragon, you’re human and dragons eat humans for breakfast. They don’t care if you carry a weapon or not. They attack.” Leroy pointed out.

“Don’t worry friend, I used my last skill point to level up on the skill Animal-friend and, may I remind you, that I was raised by a dragon.”

Leroy sighed heavily. “Animal-friend means you don’t scare rabbits or chickens easily, but I highly doubt that a dragon will not attack you due to that skill.”

“I was raised by a dragon.” I pointed out again to make my point. The delicate creature would not attack one of their own children.

“You were not raised by a fucking dragon. You had human parents as I did.”

“Never met my parents, have no memory of them. I was raised by a dragon. If you would read all the documents we find along our adventures and not skip them, you would know that there was an unnamed young boy in Themar Land, who was saved by magicians from a fierce dragon… and turns out in other letters that this boy was raised by the dragon. They took the boy against his will and slaughtered the pure creature for nothing.”

“And how are you sure it was you? Was your name written down?” Leroy wanted to know, looking at the dragon, afraid we might catch his attention with our banter.

“I can’t be sure, but as you’ve might noticed, I have a pretty big scar on my shoulder and … that’s proof.” I said, opening my mouth to say more before closing it again. Damn, I needed better arguments to prove my point of being dragon-raised to convince him. Did being pretty sure about it count as proof?

“Okay” Leroy rolled his eyes, clearly avoiding the topic now and trying to find a solution. He eyed the dragon more than once, unsure if we’d drawn his attention already but I was sure we hadn’t crossed the checkpoint yet and that’s why the ice-spitting dragon hadn’t moved yet.

Leroy looked at me, raised eyebrows, sword in hand. “So, what are we gonna do? We can stand here and hide, but then we won’t find the treasure and you know I want the treasure. I need to find it and I can’t do this without you.”

“I know, that’s why I’m gonna go and talk to him. Dragons are a million years old, he has to know something about the hidden treasure of Themar Land.”

“This still does not solve our problem, even if he wouldn’t turn you into an ice statue, you can’t talk Dragon.”

“Duh, I leveled my language skills too.”

Leroy’s lips pressed into a white slash. “Yeah, for human language and that upgrade means that it’s easier for you to get information from humans, not freakin’ dragons.”

I shrugged. My shoulders lowered and I crossed my arms. Maybe he had a point but we needed to make a decision quick.

“Guys!” The voice from the Gamemaker blurted into my ears through the tiny intercom. “Make a decision or you’re out of the game!”

This whole situation Leroy and I were stuck in didn’t seem to look good on TV. The ratings weren’t rising like the producers wanted to. They needed more action. That was getting them great ratings, it was the reason I started to watch it and applied to be part of too. Action, slaying dragon, fighting aliens or battleships -whatever the setting, it always involved fighting.

Leroy and I nodded. We didn’t want to be cut.

“Like it or not, I’ll try talking to him, when I die you have to go and find the treasure without me. You chose the skill Death-From-Above and Lightfoot, that-”

“Landing safely when jumping from higher grounds won’t help me when this thing attacks.” Leroy snapped.

Maybe he was right, the dragon was huge but asking him for directions seemed to be a good way to get ahead of the competition. I was sure no one else was so smart about it.

I was going to do this. Although Leroy had taken some of my confidence away, I kept the battle-ax with me just in case things went south. I didn’t want to die so early in the game.

The grass was crunching lightly under my boots when I moved forward. I was amazed, that even though I knew this was just Virtual-Reality-TV, I was nervous. My heart rate was going up, my hands were sweating and the closer I moved the bigger the dragon got. When crossing the checkpoint the dragon started to move. He spread his wings, sending icy wind towards me. The air was shifting and I saw my breath coming out of my mouth. My hands started shaking, it was suddenly so cold and I had trouble standing straight.

When the dragon spotted me, he growled. The ground was trembling. I lost my balance.

“I’m Kane. Son of the dragons.” I yelled. The dragon looked at me. A smile crept up my piercing cool face, before the dragon opened his mouth. He spilled ice, not words. The icicles flew through the air, cut into my skin and split painfully through my heart.

My sight faded, everything went black.