#personally for me tho my answer. less than expectations of society n all

[noxtivagus]

i love perdev sm

[skgway]

1823 July, Tues. 22

7

12

1/2 hour in in the stable talking to the plasterer, and afterwards in the cow-house – Letter from M– [Mariana] (Lawton) dated yesterday,

“last Tuesday in coming downstairs my foot slipped and I fell down and sprained my right shoulder, till Saturday I was unable to use my arm at all, and even today I feel writing painful. xxxx has been my amanuensis but I am fearful of her, acting that part to you, lest you should fancy me worse than I really am” –

She thinks I “have exaggerated” her “feelings” on the subject of my last letter, “more than” her “letter warranted” – She seems to keep to her old opinions, yet so modifies them, that as she observes “to enter more upon the subject could do no good, therefore we had better drop it” –

She adds ‘I have never doubted your faith tho I have your prudence’ Wishes me to be circumspect. ‘I have a feeling on the subject which no earthly power can remove, and great as the misery which it would entail upon myself might be, I would endure it all rather than the nature of our connection should be known to any human being’ 

She had before observed that when she complained of my attentions to Miss Maclean I had owned they were foolish. I really don't remember this  – Both Isabella and Charlotte told her last summer I did Mrs. M[ilne] harm –

Letter also from Miss Henrietta C– [Crompton] (Esholt hall) Disappointed at my not going – The Gilbert C– [Crompton]s still there – To stay till tomorrow – 4 pages the ends, under the seal, and the top of page 1 crossed – Miss Fawkes of Farnley speedily to be married to Sir Edward Barnes, governor general of Ceylon – She is to go out with him almost immediately –  

“young Kaye is soon to marry Miss Arbuthnot with £60,000 – Accomplished and pretty, but I should hope weak for accepting him” –  “Pray read ‘Quintin Durward’ it is charmingly interesting, I think superior to Peveril”

The C– [Crompton]s are going to woodend – They are to be at Leeds as today to see the exhibition –  “Dr. Camidge has had a serious dispute with Mr. Greatorex where or how he is to stand” at the approaching musical festival –

Wrote the above of today, and went down to breakfast at 9 1/2 – At 10 3/4 in spite the perpetual showers (very rainy all last night) set off to H–x [Halifax] – A heavy shower at the top of the cunnery lane lasted till I stopt at Mrs. Wilcock’s door – Went in for 2 or 3 minutes to ask Miss Pickford if she would allow me to drive her to Haughend – (George rode Percy) – The Priestleys and Astleys, 2 Miss Butlers staying in the house, and Mr. John Edwards of Pyenest, all assembled in the drawing room soon after our arrival –

Sir John gave me 3 franks, for Mrs. Norcliffe tomorrow and for Miss Henrietta C– [Crompton] and Mr. Marsh on Thursday – Gave Mrs. H[enry] P– [Priestley] Mr. Marsh’s letter to read, and she instantly and handsomely gave me her name as a subscriber to Miss King’s poems – Lady A[stley] would have done the same, but Sir John, on reading the letter thought there was a particular etiquette to be attended to in these sort of applications – That he, as member for the county of Wiltshire, ought to have been applied to at home (at Everley) –

The printed names of the subscribers he knew well – Knew many of the people mentioned intimately – If Mr. Marsh applied to him, he would be happy to put his name down – Would be happy to do anything to oblige him – I might hint this when I wrote – Sir John had said I might hint this, before I asked his permission (it was granted) to tell Mr. M– [Marsh] that, if the thing was named to Sir John) I knew he would be a subscriber – The recent but worthy baronet took some pains to assure me, there was a certain etiquette in these matters, as member for the county, necessary to be attended to – He knew I was aware of this etc. etc. –

At this moment (5 p.m.) I am quietly smiling at all this importance – It might be a subscription for raising a Wilshire corps of volunteers, or for some great concern of vital consequence to the interests of the county and its members; instead of a 5-shilling subscription to a small volume of poems, published for the benefit of a poor girl and her family, reduced to indigence by agricultural speculations! ‘Tis but a little trait, but yet how biograph of Sir John! 

On coming away, it was more than I expected to hear lady A– [Astley] invite me to Everley with seeming cordiality – I might visit Mr. Marsh – Winterslow was only (16 or 20 miles I forgot which) distant from them (the A– [Astley]s) and they would be very happy to see me – They are not to have Haughend till the 11th of next month; of course, therefore, I expressed my hope of seeing them again –

The 2 Miss B– [Butlers] are vulgar looking girls – Miss A– [Astley] seemed much at home with them – Appearances made no very individual distinctions between them – I suppose his contested election cost Sir John £70,000; and he has 12 or 14 thousands a year – Lady A– [Astley] said to me when I dined there, “Sir John is of a very old family – They were barons in the time of tilts and tournaments” – Does not the present importance of the house of Everley restless upon the manners than the money of the family? Perhaps their county is yet but young – But they are very civil to me, and little ween this ink shed of my pen –

From Haughend drove to Mill-house – Gave Mrs. W[illiam] H[enry] R– [Rawson] the letter to read she said something about hoping I was not begging for a subscription – There were so many subscriptions – With their family . . . . . . . but, seeing it was only 5 /. [shillings] said she never thought of my asking for anything less than a guinea, and handsomely enough gave me her name – Wanted to give me the money but this, of course, must be paid when the book is received – Saw 8 of the children (there are 10), and drove off to Thorpe –

Gave Mrs. J[ohn] Priestley the letter to read – She hummed and ahed, asked what Miss King – If she was related to the Kings of Wakefield – It was a long way off – Many charities at home – Of course, I agreed – Said it was quite enough if she had taken the trouble to read the letter, and instantly turned the subject – Which must have been a relief to her, as she had turned red, and might have hammered and stammered a little longer but for my ready consideration –

I guessed their dinner was waiting – and after staying a few minutes drove off – Made no remark on the subject to Miss P– [Pickford] marvelling, however then, as now, that she never once named the thing, or made the least offer to subscribe – How can this be? They say, or I fancy Miss P– [Pickford] has seven-hundred a year – She must be poor – Perhaps all she can spare is given to her friend Miss Threlfall – Yet not 5 /. [shillings] for an occasion like this! Many people can do what I think I could not – I know the value of money as well as most; but ‘tis the dross of gold, and may it never draw its dirty line along my spirit! –

Talked a little of Miss Threlfall as connected with beauty, flirting sentimentality, etc. Real refinement of sentiment perhaps almost peculiar to the lettered mind – At all events I could not concede it to a flirt – Wondered Miss Threlfall had never married. ‘She must have had some good offers’. Miss P[ickford] made no answer. I did not like to look full in her face but soon after said, ‘Forgive me, it is a very odd thing to say, but you are the last person in the world I should ever have thought of marrying. Tho you are very agreeable and I like your society I cannot fancy you making anyone happy in married life.’ ‘I forgive you,’ said she. 

‘Have you’, I asked, ‘any objection to my making such a speech?’ She answered ‘no’. ‘I thought so’, said I. Convinced by her manner it was the thing to suit her, and persuaded that the connection between her and Miss Threlfall is most probably what I have all along suspected. The persuasion struck me. I laughed and said, ‘I can outwit you. I have more worldly nous than you.’ Said she, ‘I often think so.’ We smiled and parted. She must guess to what I alluded –

She had told me Doctor Macbride was not happy he married because he was young and his wife coquetted. In fact, he is a lettered man of fine and warm feelings which his wife cannot emulate or return. His good principles make him try to be happy, but he cannot. His wife is odd like a gentlewoman but not stylish not talenty. Her oddity is not of the gentle feminine king [kind] – 

Got home at 3 after setting down Miss P– [Pickford] at Mrs. Wilcock’s door – Talking to my uncle and aunt – With the latter in the stable for a little while – Came upstairs at 4 3/4 – Wrote all the last page and so far of this which took me till 6 –

Did nothing in the evening – Came upstairs at 9 at which hour Barometer 1 1/2 degree below changeable Fahrenheit 57 1/2º – Rainy day – Fair and tolerably fine in the evening (vide the last line of page 74) –

At 9 1/2 sat down to write – Filled 1/2 a sheet to Mrs. N– [Norcliffe] to ask if she would have 1/2 a bed to spare for me in her house in Petergate, during the festival, and told her the news I had this morning from Miss Henrietta C– [Crompton]. Then wrote 3/4 of a 1/2 sheet to Mr. Marsh – the following is what I have written about the subscription 

“Shibden Thursday 24 July 1823 

My dear Mr. Marsh – I received your letter on Sunday, and an only assure you, it is one of the most unlikely things in the world, that I should think any application you write can or will make, “impertinent” in any sense of the word. It will always give me real pleasure to do anything that can at all oblige you; more particularly when an obligation is, in fact, conferred on myself, thro’ the satisfaction that one always feels in doing the good, however small, which may be in our power – 

As far as I am individually concerned, your simple request would have been enough; but I can say this much for myself alone, and am sorry to add, that my intercourse with my neighbors is too limited, – too infrequent, – to give me any claim upon them in behalf even of so meritorious a young person while she is so distant and unknown –

I had a letter from Miss Marsh the other day, in which she mentioned having got you 48 subscribers – The paltry addition I can make, might not be named even with the widow's mite – But will you put down my uncle’s name and my aunt’s for one copy each, and my own for two copies?” –––– 

Unless my mind changes, I shall not trouble my neighbors much about subscriptions, however small – I shall explain the thing to Mrs. Henry Priestley – To Mrs. W[illiam] H[enry] Rawson, I shall probably never name it – It will be forgotten or if thought of at all, Mrs. R– [Rawson] with all her family may be well enough pleased to save her 5 /. [shillings] so easily –

[zendaycoolman]

romantic getaway  ( zoah )

sumary: after asking her to be her girlfriend, zendaya and noah ( @ncahcentinechq​ ) take a weekend out in a mountain / beach setting. this is a collectiong of small paras from that trip. triggers: fluffy, smuttish, angst, cursing, relationship starting at its best dudes when: somewhat a month ago.

DAY 01, the bathtub scene

ZENDAYA: "i'm sorry that i slept the most of the way here", zendaya said, after the both of them settled down the things they brought - suitcases, food, utensils and other supplies. she was hopping that he would erase from his mind the image of her snoring lightly clinging to the script for the second episode of euphoria. "i promise i won't keep you awake at night", with that powernap she knew she wouldn't be sleeping that much at night and was aware that noah loved his sleep. outside, it was close to nightfall, but they were both a bit sweaty from the heat and the effort they put on putting the rented cabin-house in order. reaching for a towel to clean her face, z offered another one to her boyfriend. "how about we break out the tub?", she asked, pointing the hotub outside of the glass walls. in the end she didn't wait long for an answer and took off her shirt, revealing her lacy brown bra as she walked towards the door.

NOAH: "You have the cutest little snor I've ever hear" Noah replied with a smile as they both got to settle everything they bought for their long weekend away from reality. It was a much anticipated weekend for Noah, and something he was really in need of, to have her just to himself. "Now that's a promise I want to see being broken" he was an early riser when it comes to the day to day life, and that wouldn't apply to their getaway, the last thing he is worried is with keeping up a schedule. They would eat when they are hungry, and sleep when tired. Uncomplicated. Everything was perfect about the place she choose for them. He was in love with every little details, and his mind was already running wild on how much they could do. At her offer, his brow was quick to raise, as he watched her taking off her shirt. "That plan sounds and looks amazing" Noah declared, taking off his own shirt and going after the brunette, biting down on his lower lip taking a good look at his girlfriend before catching up to her and grabbing her by the waist, pulling her back against his naked torso, planting a kiss on her naked shoulder.

ZENDAYA: kicking off her shorts as she walked, z wasn't surprised when noah pulled her close. she was hopping for it, that this would be how everything is this weekend worked: just them, connected, not thinking about work or anything else but them. zendaya wasn't the most romantic person she knew, but she did had a few things planned. "can i tell you a secret?", she asked, supporting her weight on him when putting her foot inside the warm watter. "i almost didn't booked this place over this tub. whenever i see it i just remember of peter and lara jean making out - then i realized", she was fully inside the water now so she pulled him close too. "that i have noah. which is way better", she wasn't sure about sharing that detail with him, but figured it was a way to show him that she was thinking about him. "but we can't do the make out part tho. we are enemies now, i'm sorry", she shrugged, pulling away from him, splashing some water in his direction.

NOAH: "You can tell me anything" Noah declaree wholeheartedly, feeling a peace of mind that he haven't been able to experience in a long time, now that he thinks about it. He aided her getting into the tub and didnt took long to join her "Oh god no" Noah complained, looking up and a sign of defeat. "I am way better then Kavinsky, and Lara Jean got nothing on you" he then declared, wanting to hold her close, as she pulled away from him, and instant pout formed in his features. "Whyyyyy?" he complained in this baby voice he knows he had a tendency to pull for some reason in the most random occasions. "Let me love you woman" Noah added playfully in tone, but meaning every word, as he splashed her back.

ZENDAYA: "you're noey, way better than peter", nodding in agreement, she got close enough to touch his chest. "DC", she then touched herself on the chest "Marvel", that was probably enough of an explanation for him. "congrats on the role babe", getting closer to him, she put both of her hands on his neck, feeling her body getting used to temperature completly. "actually congrats on everything you have been doing. working, getting new roles, but also for everything happening with favored nations, for being caring, for being patient and most importantly - for rooting for the warriors", and with that, she kissed him for a few seconds. "i guess i'm saying that i'm falling for you noah. i just wanted you to know that", her fingers pressed his skin, trying to show him one more time that she was there.

NOAH: "Thank you, I mean, he's a good guy and all, but I needed to hear that " he grinned at her. "Oh wow" Noah exclaimed, only now getting the enemies reference, as he welcomed her into his arms. "Please, that's literally nothing compared, my girlfriend is a freaking Emmy nominee  and I couldn't be more proud." when he first saw the news he started shouting and clapping in the middle of the meeting, getting everyone looking at him as if he went mental, but he couldn't care less. She deserved all the hype she was getting, and he couldn't be more happy for her. At this point it was so damn easy to get lost in the taste of her lips, and how perfectly they were fitting together. "I've fallen for you a long time ago, actually, I'm pretty sure I've fallen for you back  in that basketball court, and I can't believe I got this lucky" he declared back, gazing deep into her dark eyes, his fingers brushing small locks of her hair away from her face.

ZENDAYA: "can you believe it noah? I FUCKING DID IT!", the last part was a bit shouted and right now she was happy they were both in the middle of the woods, so no one but noah would actually hear it. zendaya nodded at him, agreeing. "if you think about it, it's kinda weird that from all places, that's where i take you? that basketball court is my sanctuary. i guess i was just waiting for you to come along", all these thoughts were running in her head for a while now and she was glad that there was space where she could say it without being silly. "just don't go anywhere any soon ok?", and after that she leaned for a kiss, a proper one, sucking his lips into hers, trying to make more obvious that she wanted to have him close.

NOAH: "I can believe it because you are that damn talented. You fucking did it!" Noah exclaimed, sharing the same excitement for her achievement, he was really proud of her. "It was meant to be." the brightest smile was now plastered in his face "I will be forever grateful that you allowed me into that court" he added, planting another kiss into the girls month. "I won't, you don't go anywhere either" he pleaded back, before getting lost into her kiss, eager for her taste under his tongue, officially entering paradise.

............................................................ [ 𝕖𝕟𝕕 ] 

DAY 01, serial dater, serial worrier

ZEN: "hey babe?", zendaya asked after almost thirty minutes of silence. they were in the backyard, laying down in front of a fire, surrounded by pillows and duvets. it was the end of the day one, after a big dinner and if they kept quiet they would probably sleep there. it was clear that zendaya had something else in mind, tho. "i have a necessary question", she started, reaching for his right hand. the girl was laying on his chest and was kind of glad that she wasn't seeing his face right now. "alex ren. you broke up with her in april right?", the question was sharp, but her voice was soft, having the sound of the campfire in front of them rattling in the background.6 de agosto de 2020

NOAH: "Hum?" Noah hummed as a reply, as he would find himself thinking in anything in particular, enjoying the peaceful evening the both were sharing by the fire. His hands were easily distracted by her hair, he didnt seemed to have enough of it. "A necessary question, alright" Noah gave a little nod. The question caught him off guard, at least at this particular time being. He was ready to have to discuss his past relationship, it was only normal if they were both starting one themselves. "The news of the break up can out late March, we have been drifting apart since the beginning of the year though. We came to terms with it by February." as he was speaking he was putting the timeline together in his mind. Gazing down at Zendaya he brushed her hair behind her ear for the trillion time that day. "What else do you wanna know?" he asked, willing to tell her whatever she might wanted to know.

ZEN: part of her wasn't expecting a honest answer or actually a answer at all. noah wasn't a ordinary boy, drowned in the dynamics that are expected of a male in society, but she was still surprised. raising her hand, she covered the moonlight on her face, trying to figured out what's the next question would be. "that's a few months before we met", she started. "which makes me wonder - am i the rebound? someone to help you get over her? that's okay if it's the case, i just wanna know", zendaya shrugged a little, still facing the sky while laying on his chest. none of them were capable to see each other faces right now and maybe it was for the best. "i'm not mad really, i just wanna know".

NOAH: As Noah realized where she was going with the conversation, despite being a valid doubt, it still hurted him a little. Love is a weird thing, and Noah as this way of living where he jumps right in at every circunstance that life presents him with. His past relations with Alex Ren is one of those circunstances, but as time goes by, there wasn't a real connection, not as lovers nor as companions. It took then a while to figure out that they are better off as friends other then pushing into something that wasn't meant to be. Zendaya on the other hand, he has noticed, is more of the type to think things through, and mesure her steps carefully, so he knew she had to ask him this things. "I see... the shortest way to reply you is that I was over her even before you and I met for that basketball game. So you are by no means a rebound. By the end of 2019 we both started to realize that the whole thing was a mistake. So the break-up was sort of a natural thing and drama free between the both of us until we made it official since we made it public and all." Noah did his best to explain, since he really wanted to make her understand his true intentions and where he is coming from. Specially when he has this gut feeling that... she's the one. Adjusting a little bit his body so he would he more into a seating position rather then laying, he then reached down to place an upside down kiss on her forehead since she ended up still laying on his lap. "There's no one quite like you, and dont you ever think that this that we have going on is anything less valued just because we recently got out of other relationship, something's we cant explain, you just feel." he whispered, gazing at her eyes even with their faces being in different directions  and he planted a kiss on her nose. At this point Noah was pretty sure to be in Love with the girl. But the last thing he wanted was to drop the Love bomb right when they are discussing an ex relationship.

ZEN there wasn't many people zendaya talked about feelings. dylan knew what was happening but she tried to downplay as much as possible, so he wouldn't know how lost she was into the questions she had in storage for noah. and lin did told her that she should just straigh up ask anything she wanted to clear, so for him it was more about the relationship itself and not the feelings behind. "right", stopping touching his hand, she scratched the space between her eyes, as if she was processing his words. she was taken by surprise again, now with the forehead kiss. "still, she wasn't the only one. according to the internet and your instagram actually, that's something that has hapenned before. dating someone for a year, then a few months single, then another year dating...", she wasn't ashamed to put out there that she was researching about his past relationships before even asking to him. in her mind she was about to step into a really big commitment, so she needed to know more about it. "i'm not judging. you do you and it's refreshing to know that you go for it. and on my book, it's kinda good - the idea of having an expiration date", in her head, zendaya was being understanding, trying to bind her idea of a relationship to fit noah's ways. and that, to her, was the ultimate proof that she was into him. "there's a lot of people like me", she smiled to show that this was a joke, but his next words made her fell into deep silence, looking at his face after the kiss. she had to take a breath to focus again. her heart wanted to let this conversation go and get back into comfortable silence by the fire, but her brain was too organized to do that. he made her want to be more confident on them and less of a brainer, but what if this was a mistake? "not that feeling anything will actually do us any good", she finally said out loud, her words sounded a bit bitter.7 de agosto de 2020

NOAH: Putting things like that Zendaya didn't really knew how that was something that actually bothered Noah, in all his moments of introspection he wonders what is wrong with him for not being able to keep a long term relationship, and connect at all levels he is so eager to reach, till this day he is still to find out. He stopped the small touches for a moment, picking the right way to reply to her. "The history is there, and I can't run away from the fact that it does look like a patern. Is not something that I'm particularly proud of. I actually wonder-" he stopped himself for a moment, trying to find the right way to put it. "I dont know... maybe I'm the issue you know?" he ended up adding with a sigh. At her next words his heart sank, and a frown took him. "Expiration date?! What the-" he refrained from cursing, but that one caught him out of guard and it made him upset that she found the idea of having an expiration date was a good thing. He slightly shook his head, "That's not how I look into things. And it hurts me when you put it like that... why would an expiration date be a good thing?" as their conversation went on, an unsettling feeling started taking over Noah. He was already way too deep into feelings for her to be saying stuff like that. "What does that even mean?! I'm not following. For you what is even the point of all this then?" as he question he gestured a circle around the two of them as he said 'all of this'.

ZEN: blinking her eyes pretty fast, she took a minute to appreaciate the fact that noah was being honest and putting himself as a possible part of the problem. people often dodged their responsabilities, specially men towards relationships. she could work with someone that was capable to admit mistakes. before z could articulate any further, the mood picked up and now noah was voicing that his feelings were hurt. scrathing her eyebrow, zendaya sat down, knowing that he should able to properly see her eyes for this part. "it wasn't my intention to hurt you, but you have to understand that i have to prepare myself for this", taking a breath, zendaya felt corned now, having to explain how her mind works. it was a constant feeling towards any significant others, having to adjust herself to them. "unlike you noah, i don't put my heart on the line when i feel there's a possibility. you're my second actual relationship, and i had a hiatus of seven years between. i don't do stuff that there's a possibility to end, i'm always in for the win, for the long run, if it's up to me i am not going anywhere", it was clear she was growing unhappy about this situation. this was why she didn't date, cause no one had to understand how she sees the world. "so when i see that you broke up all these relationships it scares the hell of me. make me feel not important, makes me feel like just another one on the list. or worst - that this is not real", taking a breath and looking down, she noticed that she was sitting in lotus position by his side this whole time. "and at the same time i like you way to much to walk away so yes, i have to find having a expiration date a good thing"., suddenly this felt like a weird pivot moment. make it or break it momentum. "it means that not even love can garantee that this will work. ren gave a interview saying that you were the love of her life. two months later you guys ended it.", she shrugged, sure that this was the worst outcome ever.9 de agosto de 2020

NOAH: "Prepare for what exactly Zendaya?" Noah asked, gesturing with is hands. This was important, he knew it was, speaking about the fears that come with giving yourself into someone else, someone new, but it was still hard and complicated to voice his mind and trying not to be too harsh, they had very different ways to see life, and that he knew. " I'm sorry Z, but relationships don't come with instructions, and not one is like the other, ever. You can't bring my past experiences or your past experiences into our relationship, we need to build our own, learn from our past obviously, but not let it define our future." he added, before growing silent again to listen to what she had to say. He was starting to get so confused by her words, but still trying to do his best to understand where she was coming from. He didn't knew she was that long before letting herself into a relationship. So he noticed some big scars there. " I don't know any other way to do this then to put my heart on the line." he declared, in between her speaking. " Who said I broke up all this relationships? And if all this broke ups mean anything is that neither of them were the right one for me, then maybe you are. Fucking god, how I wish that you are! How you can you be afraid that this might not be real? Have I ever didn't seemed present and open to give myself to you? Because that's all I've been trying to do." Noah was trying to make sense in his words, but wasn't too sure if he was being sucessful. " Z, how many times did you expressed your true feelings in a interview? Are you really bringing something my ex said in a interview?" at his point Noah couldn't help a stern expression on his face. " Listen, I can't promisse you that we will forever be together, no matter I wanted to be able to hold such promise. We never know what life throws our way. I do know is that my feelings for you are real, and can't imagine my life with you anymore"

ZEN: tilting her head to hear him out, zendaya was dangling between amazed  and concerned by his replies. they were so different, that was clear from the start and she was hopping it meant that they would complete each other, not colide. she also knew that this was on her too, so if she wanted it to work, she had some work on herself to do too. z felt like noah had understood her and now it was her turn to do so."ok. you're right. no expiration date, no promisses, no fears. just us being us.", zendaya finally said, nodding her head. this felt like the second part of the agreement that they did last week when he asked her to be her girlfriend. now this was a real relationship. "if it matters, i want you to be the right one too", getting closer, she slowly crumbled into his chest, asking to be hugged. "just don't let me go".

NOAH: Noah let out a breath he didn't really knew he was holding as she agreed to give them a fair shot really. "It matters a whole lot" Noah whispered, welcoming her back into his embrace, wanting nothing more then to keep her close to him forever. Thankfull to have long arms that were able to properly hug her into him, and still wishing to have some more so he could hold her even more tight. "I won't" he stated, placing a long kiss on the top of her head. "But babe?"

ZEN: "yeah?", she asked, her voice low, as is she was too scared to keep talking and by that make another mistake, or take a turn that would drag into that discussion again. she just wanted to be there, quiet and loved.

NOAH: "Forgive me but I really need to pee..." he finally said, chuckling, kissing her once in the month before standing up. "Start thinking on what you want me to make for dinner, I'm gona be right back" he added, slowly getting up to go to the bathroom.

............................................................ [ 𝕖𝕟𝕕 ]

DAY 02, the first time

ZEN: "so, i was doing some reading", the woman was standing next to top the stairs that led to the only bedroom at the house. noah had just left the shower after they spent the afternoon sunbathing outside. "...on how to garantee that the first time with someone new is perfect", taking a step on his direction he could see now that she had a satin robe on. "they say: lingerie, protection, don't worry about appearance...", as she spoke, she undid the robe, showing her lacy black underwear. "...and don't put pressure on orgasming", she stopped midway on his direction, smiling. "so i have it all covered. IF you wanna do somethinng", she was nervous, it showed, but also there was a hint of possessiveness that he knew by now.

NOAH: With only a towel losely around his waist and casually brushing his hair off with another, Noah raised an eyebrow at the sight that was Zenday before him in her silky robe. He didnt interrupted her line of thought, just dropping the towel he had on his hand, having a feeling he would prefer to have them both free. "What else?" he questioned, even knowing that she would keep going. He did his best not to let his jaw hit the floor when she undid her robe showing off to him her perfect figure in a black lingerie, bitting down on his lower lip, Noah kept closing the distance between the two eager to reach her. "That sounds easy enough... IF YOU wanna do something" two could play this game, and for sure Noah would want to have fun with it, as he stopped right in front of her, brushing her shoulder ever so slightly with the back of two fingers, licking his lips, as he gazed into her eyes, their noses brushing together from their closeness.

ZEN: it was clear that she had thought about this several times. from the conversations where she looked at his lips instead of focusing on the content, or the making out sessions that stopped repeatedly, this moment was highly anticipated. "i came prepared. i ALSO have a poem", raising an eyebrow at him, she was challenging him with his very own weapons. he asked her to be his girlfriend with a poem. she would ask him for this with that too. zendaya then threw the robe on the floor, taking his hands into hers. "let me live or live in me. let me go home or make me your home ...", she whispered at first, giving his small kisses through the process. "get inside me, more than you get in clubs", she placed both of his hands on her ass, teasing him with a smirk after. "break my bed, not my heart ... make me wet, not wip", slowly, she pulls his towel away, dropping it on the floor. "because paradise it's reached when we're on our knees ... but not on a prayer", finally, she pushed him to bed and now she was the one licking her lips, watching the image of her completly naked boyfriend on the light of dusk. "fuck, you're so fucking beutiful", she broke character touching his knees with hers before slowly joining him on bed, climbing on top of his body as her lips went for the most desperate kiss they ever had.

NOAH: "I can see that you did" Noah smiled at her, but was surprised when she said she had a poem, using his own moves against him, he was noticing. He let himself being led by his girlfriend, and as she start on the poem, Noah was done, completely surrending himself to her, every word sending small shivers down his spine, every kiss lightning something inside of him, with his hands placed over her ass Noah didn't think twice before feeling her in his hands, holding her close to him, and even before she pulled his towel from his body he was already naked before her, his lust clear in his eyes, mixed with so much admiration for how she started this moment for the both of them. Letting himself fall in the bed, Noah let out a small chuckle, amazed how she took charge of everything, and was pretty much doing everything he wished he did. But then it wouldn't have been this perfect. "Come here already, and let me make you wet, and never, ever, wip" he reached for her hand and pulled her in, their lips smashing together eager for each other, like never before.

............................................................ [ 𝕖𝕟𝕕 ]

DAY 03, the basics

ZEN: the past few days they feel qucikly into a routine. waking up, eating brunch, then either going to the beach or he convinced her to walk around the woods. at the afternoon they would eat together, watch something, play some game, just enjoying each other until at some point they ended having sex wherever they were at the house. this was the last day and they would be leaving after lunch, so she decided to let noah in bed and make him breakfast. once zendaya managed to get the tray while going upstairs, she smiled at him. "hey noey, morning", she said, putting the breakfast next to him in bed, before giving him a small kiss. "you can eat while i start organinzing shit. you probably tired from last night. sorry not sorry", she shrugged, remembering that they went two rounds more than normal in the past day.

NOAH: Noah was an early riser, but not today apparently. Probably because he knew it was their last day in heaven, and he really wasn't that hyper about getting back to reality. "Morning babe" he mumbled, brushing his eyes with his hands trying to keep them open, before yanning whilst opening his arms wide open. "Not so fast!" Noah held her back as she was getting ready to go on with her plan on packing. "what if you are what I really want for breakfast?" he teased, just wanting to hold her there a little bit longer next to her. "have you eaten already?" he wondered still hugging her down into the bed, he was really just trapping her there, with his arms holding her upper body and one leg over her own legs, as he made her lay there. "I don't wanna go" he declared, and you could listen the pout he was wearing in his voice.

ZEN: to hear him talking like that,  hoarse voice in the morning, calling for her, all of that was something the zendaya was starting to wish it was all her mornings from now on. but of course, noah wasn't just going to say, he was going to demonstrate, and all she managed to do before he took her was to get the glass of juice out of bed, so it wouldn't spill. "is that a promise?" she teased back. "not really, focused on doing something for you and forgot" she answered honestly, blowing some of her hair out of her face as she adjusted herself in position. "i don't wanna go either...", that was the kind of thing she would never allow herself to say before, to stimulate a fantasy that would never come true. but this trip proved to her that she could live in a made up world as long noah was holding her. "baaaaabe", now able to see the neck up close, her voice cracked. releasing one hand from the boy's embrace, she touched his skin, now with purple and red tones. "im so so so sorry", she bit her lower lip, already thinking about the shade of foundation she would use to cover it. "i'll get something to cover that for the trip, don't worry", she assured him, tilting her head to check the extent of the hickey on his neck.

NOAH: it was painful the mere thought of having to actually let her go and get on with the day, so greedy Noah decided to just kept holding her for just a little longer, as his mind started to really wake up. a chuckle vibrated through him at her teasing reply. "It can be"  he whispered against her ear. "let's have breakfast together then, and be lazy for just a couple more hours, and then we both will get everything packed and ready to go" he sugested, wanting to take everything he could out of these amazing days with her away from reality. "What?" he wondered confused, not sure what she was talking about, as she touched his neck he understood, and memories from last night rushed back into his mind, putting a silly grin to his face. "Why would I want to cover it?" he raised an eyebrow at her, before closing the distance between the two into a kiss, so she would stop over analize the love bite she left on his skin.

ZEN: taking a note to hold that promise against him later, she nodded her head in agreement, trying to move. "babes, in order to eat breakfast you have to let me go", she smiled, giving him another kiss on his chin. "so people won't give you a hard time about it", she said simply, looking at him. suddenly, another grin took over her features. "you know what's my favorite part of your body?", her fingers touched his cheeks. "your scar. i love it. even tho it's covered right now", zendaya caressed his unshaved face, finding him more attractive in this look. "speaking of it, we should cover our basics", at this point, she gave up trying to move and just settled under him, kissing his jaw on the process. "favorite movie, type of music, book, color, food, color, tv show.... tell me yours i tell you mine".

NOAH: "Forgot about that small detail" Noah jokingly pouted, before eventually letting her go for eating purposes, smiling as she kissed his chin, quickly closing the distance between them again smashing his lips on hers. "Yeah, I've grown found of it myself" He said, unvoluntarly reaching with his hand to his chin at the same time she carressed him. "Is the unshaved look girlfriend approved or not?" He wondered raising a brow at her. Grabbing the glass of juice to take a good sip at it, Noah nodded at the idea. "We really should. Feels like we skipped a couple of steps there" he chuckled, at the same time he was already thinking about the questions she already throw in there. "Let's see... Favorite movie is too hard, my favorite rom com is Failure to Launch tho, just music, the type of music depends a lot on your mood, I've been listening a lot to Kina, if you don't know of him you should definitely check that out, book, again, there's a lot, like a lot a lot, but I'm gonna say Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. All the food. I can't pick. I don't have a favorite color, TV show, Friends." As he replied he was counting it with his fingers, grinning at the end. "You're up now"

ZEN: "i like it cause it's something that should let you traumatized but it didn't", she smiled, reaching for the chopped fruit, having some watermelon inside her mouth as she was kissed. "girlfriend aproved. makes me tickle. don't let it too big tho, i like your face", as she spoke some of the watermelon juice dripped from her lips, quickly cleaning it with the back of her hand. "babe, everyone knows you love kina. you hum it everytime", she laughed, zendaya herself had listen to it in her alone times because of him. "ok - movie is harry potter, i'm into oldie stuff like ray charles. aside of that anything R&B, book... i read a lot about business and biographies. i loved nelson's one. burritos, pizza and ice cream. i know imma die because of it. favorite color is pink, tv show would be handsmade tale", she tried to speak all of that in one breath as if it was a contest, laughing. "ok, next round - give me all the family names", she rose her hand too. "also, one thing that makes you happy, one thing that makes you mad, one thing that makes you sad and one thing that makes you horny", wiggling her eyebrows, she smiled and offered to feed him some grapes.

NOAH: "Oh poor dog got more traumatized then I did" he commented, stuffing some fruit into his month after tasting the watermellon from her month. "I'll see so it won't get too big" he said in tone of promise. "Oh, well it's really good" he chuckled. "Okay, I'm taking notes here. Harry Potter and Ice Cream in emergency situations. Got it. Mandela you mean?" he questioned to be sure concerning the book. "I'm the son of Kellee and Gregory, divorced by the way. And the younger brother of Taylor" he quickly replied. "You have quite the big family, which I find it so excited, but I'm afraid if you start naming them all I will forget a bunch. I just ask you to forgive me for it in advance" he pleaded with a small chuckle. "Meditation, is one thing that makes me happy. Mad? Fake people. Sad, well I get sad over the silliest things, like a song. Not having my girlfriend in arms reach for over a month! stuff like that. There's this black woman recently in my life, she pretty much holds that power, it's not really a thing that will get me going, if you know what I mean" as he said his last words he raised and lowered his eyebrows a couple of times. "What does makes you happy Zendaya Coleman. And everything else."

ZEN: "yeah, but we can't watch it together. dylan would kill me", she pointed that out with a face, nodding to the sides. "but if you show up with ice cream at my door i'll do pretty much anything you ask. and yes, mandela! his life is so inspiring", as he spoke she made a effort not to reach for a notebook to note it down, figuring that it would kill the moment. when he mentioned being sad for not seeing her for a month, she pulled his face and gave him a lil peck. she was specially proud that he acknowledged that she was a black woman in his answer. "my parents, also divorced are claire stoermer and kazembe coleman. kazaa for friends. don't worry, no one can actually remember all my siblings names, but it's katianna, annabella, austin, kaylee and julien", starting to smash a piece of bread, she nodded at him. "ice cream makes me happy, mad would be not being able to succeed in something that i invested time... i get sad over christmas songs for some reason and neck kisses gets me going. if you want to tone me down, touching my earlobe makes me sleepy", shrugging, she smiled. they were nearly done with breakfast, so she looked up at him. "ok, final question: what is your goal in life?", her voice was calm, looking at his eyes as she made the question.

NOAH: "Dylan would kill you? Why am I feeling jealous over harry potter right now?" noah frowned slightly, chuckling. "Ice cream, the key to your heart. Noted. I haven't read it yet, maybe you could lend me the book someday. But for what I know he had an incredible life experience." Noah commented, reaching for a couple of more fruit pieces, and orange juice. As she started to go on and reply to her own questions, Noah just listen, and rejoiced on the fact that she was sharing all this litle things with him, it might seem small, but it holds a great meaning when you are starting to get to know someone. With a small chuckling as she shared the earlobe fact, noah grinned at her. "That's something I will keep in mind" he smiled. "Oh, that's a loaded one." he had to take a moment to think about it. "I think the answer would be... just to be, really. You know? To be present in every thing you do. To be a good friend, to be a good son, a good brother. A good partner. At every step of the way, I just want to give my all in what I do, and have faith that will bring me happiness, and fullfillment. I don't have this specific thing. Of course I want to be sucessful profissionaly, but it's really not everything for me." This was the mess that was Noah's head right there, raw and without making much sense, but it was him, and he was willing to show her just that: him. "What's yours?"

ZEN: "don't even start babe, that's one you won't win", she replied with a mockery smile. as noah spoke back, zendaya quickly picked up the tray and it's belonging so clear the bed. she then sat on her legs, watching her boyfriend talk about his goal. at end, she had a huge smile on her face. "to be happy. i mean, i have loads of professional goals and shit, but i just want to brave enoug to be happy. give up when needed, walk away from people, all the hard decisions you have to make in order to make me and my loved ones happy", shrugging a bit, she was glad that they did this, sharing small things made her feel closer to him. "thanks for sharing noey. it's important to me", zendaya smiled at him again, but soon, snapped out of her silly face "okay, now, i do have a short term goal", benting her body to his direcion and gave him a long peck on the lips, then dragged her lips on his jaw line. "making my boyfriend cum", sharing a smirk, z pushed the sheets out of the bed with her feet to have more acess to him. the energy shifted, and he could see she was in a mission herself.

............................................................ [ 𝕋ℍ𝔼 𝔼ℕ𝔻 ]

[melyzard]

Writing Year In Review: 2018

Cribbed this format from @ladytharen, tho I made a few adjustments.

Total number of fics written this year: 36 (lumping one shot collections into one story. If counting them separate, then technically: 90)

Total word count published to AO3 this year: 594,770

Did I write more or less this year than last year? 2017 word count published on AO3 = 303,391, so definitely yes. (although I didn’t count any of the stuff published exclusively on tumblr, in which case…probably yes?)

Fandoms written for this year: HAH. Rogue One. That’s it. This was all for one fandom. Hyper focus, friends. (kind of sort of for Sens8, because of that one fusion fic, and a little bit for Leverage, because of that other fusion fic).

Did I take any writing risks this year? Actually a difficult question to answer. There are some personal things I deliberately put in my stories, opinions and beliefs and a little bit of salt, and also I allowed real people who I know in real life to know that I sometimes write things.

Did I have any writing goals for the New Year?

2018 Goal: please, just don’t stop writing again.

2019 Goal: hit 1.5 million words and/or write an original story.

My Favorite story this year: Possibly the one I wrote for @shu-of-the-wind , truth and trust. The Dathomir witches are fascinating, and putting Cassian, Jyn and K2SO into their world was really fun. So much world building left at my whim and wonder! And I felt like I did a decent job creating a matriarchal society that wasn’t a sex fantasy OR a gender flipped hyper-aggressive secretly-patriarchal “ignorant savage” cliché. And I got to write Lyra as an actual character, not just a memory. That was a first for me.

Least Commented On Story: Fire/Fight got the least comments, and Harmonies (sequel to A Love Song) got the least comments per word written. I am not surprised about Fire/Fight, since it’s a one shot focused largely on my headcanons about Jyn’s POV during the ten seconds she whoops some Stormtroopers in Jedha (and the cascade of emotional/physical/visceral reactions going off in her head at that moment). I don’t expect a lot of people are into that sort of thing. I’m a little surprised by Harmonies, considering how popular A Love Song got, but then, I don’t write Cassian POV as well as Jyn POV, so that probably had something to do with it.

Most Fun: toss-up between These Days of Joy and Pain (Cassian and Jyn go to space-Vegas (aka Bespin), see the sights, get the goods, and taste the Best Ice Cream In The Galaxy) and A Love Song (Jyn and Cassian meet several times throughout their lives, and it matters).

Hardest to Write: Surprisingly, REBEL Y/N? Probably obvious, seeing as I haven’t finished it yet. Look, I have this whole plot worked out, but it’s really complicated and I am trying to figure out how to show character development in multiple droids all at once, plus the two Human leads, all while trying really hard not to accidentally write in some kind of “Mighty Whitey” savior trope into the robot rebellion…although in this case it would be Mighty Human savior? Organic Messiah? Whatever. It’s been tough, and I grounded out a bit. I really, really want to finish it, but damn. (Although I feel like “I might know my heart” should also get a mention, because I have written and then deleted something like 7 chapters for this story, and I just can’t get it to the right tone. I keep drifting away from the original prompt so hard).

Things I am actively trying to remove from my writing:

- Gender-centric terms/phrases/ideology (example: “He’s a good man” becomes “He’s a good person.” Or “The Alliance is full of brave men and women” to “the Alliance is made of brave souls.”) There is zero reason to codify all language by gender, and many reasons not to. Makes for an interesting challenge.

- Writing every character with a modern-english-western cultural centric viewpoint. For example: the idea of a “core family” being two parents and their children, completely separate and self-sufficient from all other members of the family is definitely not as universal as I thought it was when I was a kid, and I honestly can’t see it being the default setting of a family in a universe as varied as the ones I like to play in.

- Racism. Surprisingly hard, simply because it is so ingrained into my world view and I don’t even know certain common phrases or viewpoints are racist until looked at from a new angle. In Star Wars, I’ve made a note at the top of all my WIPs = “Empire defines ‘people’ as ‘Human.’” This is a reminder to me to avoid letting my rebel heroes behave at any point like “Human” is the default setting and all others are “aliens�� or “support only” or “victims” etc. The Human is not always right. Hairy Aliens do not behave like animals nor are treated like animals by the heroes, not even affectionately. Good guys don’t call an alien “humanoid” (a thing that I imagine would be highly offensive to a lot of people in the SW galaxy). Maybe it’s stupid or nerdy, but watching out for those slips actually helps me pick out the more mundane racism that slips into my writing from time to time. Or so I hope.

- On a similar note, association of dark = evil/light = good. Just generally moving out of this line of thinking, both in terms of how characters look, how atmospheres feel, and avoiding general ubiquitous phrases peppered throughout the language implying that white/pale/golden/light is always superior and desirable over black/shadowed/dark. Surprisingly easy to do, once you’re paying attention, with the only small exception being lamps. I love colorful lamps, and I love how light plays through the glass/carvings/designs…so it’s kind of hard for me to describe those things with joy and beauty but without stepping into the light = good quagmire. I’m working on it.

Things I am actively trying to incorporate into my writing:

- Consequences. I tend to get annoyed when I see someone do something in media that I know should have consequences along the line, but then…nothing happens. Actions have impact! Show me how the world changes because your hero did that thing or said those words or made this choice! Show me the fallout! Make it matter!

- Multiple cultural viewpoints in my characters, in line with their backgrounds/environments.

- More jokes/light hearted moments.

All in all, a pretty good year, even if I got super busy in the last four months or so and drifted a bit out of the fandom. Thanks for all those who read, commented, chatted with me on the various platforms, shared meta and jokes and headcanons, made fanart or manips, prompted me, or otherwise were awesome people to be around. Friends, you’re the best.

(As a side note, I am interested in your reviews/self analysis too! Tag me, I love to see how other people look at their work.)

[7dys]

roomies?

hey again im a dummy sorry

I literally could NOT think of a title im sorry here's a good ole roommate au though

request: HHhHhHhh u write so well I'm crying :(( jshsd can I get a roommate!au with jae from day6 ? with a possible fluff at the end ? eye emoji ? sjdshd tysm !! -anon

word count: 5137 she's a doozy

a/n: I must have gotten this request like... a year and a half ago at least anon if you’re seeing this I apologize but I've finally done it!!! hope u all enjoy the workings of my crackhead brain

right-o lets get to it

okay so when you moved out of your dorms after graduation you weren’t expecting it to be this God Damn Expensive

on top of buying groceries and affording your tiny ass one bedroom a girlie was struggling

so !! you decided to look into finding a roommate

obviously not to move in with you…. there’s only one bedroom okay

but like searching for an open spot with someone

you found a few that seemed nice but were all wayyyyyyy too far from your job like you would be losing money paying so much in transportation

finally you stumbled across the most cursed roommate flyer ever

but it was in a super convenient location !! so you read it anyways

it was written in GREEN and PURPLE comic sans and there were multiple pictures of chickens and cheesy memes randomly placed around the text in the middle

which by the way was a list of 7 bullet points that said this:

1:my name is jae

2:i am broke

3:i have an extra room waiting for /YOU/

4:i am in a band and will write a song about you if that’s what it takes

5:i am unreasonably good at untangling headphones and i will untangle things for you

6:i have a pet cat and if you don’t like that walk away from this flyer immediately

7:please

and then at the bottom was an octopus who’s 8 legs had his contact information on it and they were cut so you could just pull off a slip

if you were an ordinary person you would not have taken one

lucky us !!!! you’re just crazy

and you take one of the god damn octopus legs

you are understandably the only person who has taken one so far

you giggle to yourself at your own SHEER STUPIDITY and then send a text to the number

you: hi !! i saw ur ad abt looking for a roommate and i’m interested! my name is y/n and i’m still in college so u don’t have to worry about me being like . crazy im just stressed

chicken guy??: oh my god really it’s been a month since i put up that poster!! also mood

you: you put up …. only one poster …… and it was that ……

chicken guy??: it worked for u didn’t it

you: . touché

chicken guy??: anyways you can come by later today and check it out if you’d like? i swear i’m not crazy either but feel free to bring a friend if you’re worried for safety reasons or whatever

you: nah i prefer to live life on The Edge plus none of my friends would be helpful in a life threatening situation

chicken guy??: i don’t know u but i’m already worried for u pls get here soon

hehehe u liked this guy

he was funny if anything

and you tended to find all the weirdos of society and befriend them so it was safe to assume he was no different than your usual crowd

true to your word you go to the address he sent you alone later that afternoon and cheerily knock on the door

while you wait for him to answer you survey the outside

it’s honestly ….. kind of a cluttered mess but in a cute way

like some sort of kleptomaniac crow somehow got an apartment and displayed all of the strange things it found

except it’s all music related

there is a jar that is filled to the BRIM with guitar picks.

who needs that many guitar picks

“me, i do”

you squeak and turn around and go

“??????”

and the tall thin man in the door just nods

“i knew what you were thinking”

“...that’s fair”

and then he seems to remember what exactly is going on and extends one long fingered hand for a shake

“hi! you must be y/n :)) i’m jae”

you take his hand …. that shits warm

how long have you been outside that your hand is so cold when you touch him you SHIVER

he’s like oh my god come in please you’re shivering jesus christ

and you just smile and tell him it’s nice to meet him !!! what a positive polly

you come in and are pleasantly surprised that the inside has just as much personality as the poster !!

and thankfully less green and purple and ….. comic sans

you are immediately greeted by the largest tabby cat you’ve ever seen

“ah that’s my big boy mister crackers”

“his name … is mister crackers”

“....yes”

“love it. tell me more”

he smiles so BIG and WIDE when you say that you think you’re looking at the sun

as he explains more things about the apartment and points at things here and there you half listen and half just. watch him

you didn’t know what to expect from that as but it’s fair to say you lucked out as far as possible roommates go

he was tall and had shiny dark hair and glasses that made his cute little eyes even littler

and he was in a BAND that is so cool

plus he’s like …. pretty or smth

smh FOCUS

you’re gnna have to share a bathroom with him which is … scary but you looked in there and it looks clean at least

also there’s some candles in there

……. he definitely takes candlelit baths like a widow just returning from her rich husbands funeral after he left her everything in the will

king

he seems nice and funny and you appear to have a similar sense of humor …. you’re in

you’re about to tell him you’ll think about it so that you don’t come off as too excited

but then change your mind and jump up and down and tell him you’re IN and you’ll help cover the rent and cook sometimes and bake him cookies and

he stops you after cookies with a hand over your mouth

“you are perfect. please move in immediately”

you smile under his hand and hope he can’t feel your cheeks getting absolutely BLAZING hot

(he 100% can)

((and he thinks it’s really CUTE))

you grab the hand that’s over your mouth and give it a shake and tell him in a southern accent that it’s a deal pardner and he SNORTS

it was cute

you move in as quickly as possible and his band mates come over to help you move everything !!

you’re high key embarrassed to let all these literally gorgeous men into your tiny little apartment and touch all your stuff

but after talking to each of them for like 5 seconds you quickly see they’re all a bunch of nerds and you would trust them with your life

wonpil loses his MIND when he sees your little plushy collection on your bed he thinks you’re the cutest person on the whole planet

he tells jae that’s he’s the luckiest man on earth when he thinks you’re not listening

you ARE though and you stop what you’re doing to give him a big ol hug and tell him he’s an angel

sungjin disapproves of how you’ve been living and asks if you’ve been eating enough and then turns on jae with a finger like U BETTER FEED HER

brian is so intimidatingly beautiful you can’t look him in the eye until you’re all eating ramen and you watch him choke to near death and then immediately go make himself another cup

relatable

dowoon looked lost and you immediately took him under your wing and you’ve been babying him ever since

you made jae take the box full of your plates and mugs and such bc it was too heavy for your Little Angel

“please y/n i am literally the strongest of all of us let me carry things. jae is going to keel over and die”

“nonsense !!! you’re a growing boy you need rest”

“please i literally punched a HOLE in a WALL on ACCIDENT and jae has a grass allergy i promise i will be fine”

regardless of the absolute struggle it was to coordinate everyone and get all your stuff to jae’s you are FINALLY moved in

your room is obviously not the master but you weren’t gonna be like Sorry Jae I Need The Master Bedroom Move Out Xoxo

it’s cute and you brought your own furniture and some posters and decor that you had all over your old apartment

basically you just condensed it all into one room

and the boys gave you a housewarming present and it was just a picture of them performing with you badly photoshopped next to jae playing the triangle

it wasn’t even framed they just taped it to the wall

typical

after all the moving in the boys leave you and jae to settle in but the moving was TIRING so

you’re already asleep on the couch

……….typical

jae just shakes his head and covers you with one of his large sweatshirts because for some reason he only owns one blanket and it’s on his bed and he doesn’t know where yours are

he’s literally HELPLESS

you wake up with a dry mouth at 3 in the morning and smile at jaes sweater barely covering your curled up body

you hold it up and it says “i like ugly” in tiny font .

this boy is perfect

you put it on and climb in your actual bed and decide to make him breakfast tomorrow for being such an angel

you set an ALARM that’s commitment if i’ve ever seen it

you make him pancakes and and coffee and when he comes out wearing a sweatshirt similar to the one you’re wearing and the rattiest sweatpants you’ve ever seen he doesn’t even notice anything at first

nd then he rubs his eyes and just stares

“y/n i’m gonna cry i haven’t had breakfast since 2008”

you laugh and launch yourself at him because he’s That cute

“you’re so cute thank you for letting me be your roommate !!!!”

he ruffles your hair and then sets his chin on top of your head

“thanks for breakfast, sunshine. even if this is also as early as i’ve been awake since 2008”

you pinch his side at that and then go to serve him a heaping pile of pancakes bc he’s skinny and he needs it

“alright noodle eat up!!”

“did you just call me noodle?”

“yes, look at yourself”

“.. that’s fair”

you guys chat over breakfast and thank GOD it’s a sunday and neither of you have shit to do

other than laundry

you force yourself not to mom him when he just puts it all in one machine and sets it on cold and leaves .

it hurts tho

instead of being productive while you wait you have multiple staring contests

jae keeps accusing you of saying he blinked when he didn’t

“i didn’t blink my eyes just look like that !!!! they are small and asian are you racist or something??”

“shut UP i won >:((((“

after the laundry is done you go your separate ways and jae heads out to band practice and it’s your very first time …

alone in your own apartment

naturally you take off your pants and dance around for at least 10 minutes

you didn’t even realize that since your roommate is a dude you can’t just ….. not wear pants

a travesty !!!

honestly let him try to stop you from going braless though. let him try.

you laze around and try to get caught up on your favorite shows and organize your room and then it gets late and you decide you’re going to make a MEAL for dinner

like a WHOLE . MEAL.

we’re going all out

you tie your hair up and put on your cooking sweater which is just a disgusting old sweatshirt covered with stains that hangs almost to the middle of your thighs

everyone needs one

next step is MUSIC because if you cook without it you just feel sad

we’re pulling out the oldies mix that’s right

i’m talking ELO, reo speedwagon, the doobie brothers we’re getting DOWN !!!!!

perhaps we’ll sprinkle some queen in there in honor of the movie that just came out

regardless you’re head banging while you chop vegetables

extremely unsafe but entirely necessary

jae comes home in the middle of your dramatic rendition of bohemian rhapsody where you attempt to sing every single part including the operatic harmonies

you are literally on your knees singing dramatically when the door opens and he comes out of the foyer to see YOU on the FLOOR wearing NO PANTS and singing QUEEN

you may just be ……. the most perfect woman he’s ever met in his life

he joins you because what the fuck else is he supposed to do

he comes in on the high GALILEO and then air guitars THE FUCK out of the next part while you literally thrash

i’m telling you it was one of the most taxing things you’ve ever done

you finish out the song and then fist bump for respect

“something smells good but also something smells burning”

and you scream because OH NO THE GARLIC BREAD

((it’s not even that burnt jae is just weird about smells …… grass allergy headass))

after the fake crisis is averted you finish up and the both of you FEAST while watching cheesy christmas movies and booing at love

you’re both . that bitter huh

also want to note that at some point you discreetly put sleep shorts on so you could pretend you hadn’t been pantless and possibly flashing your day of the week underwear to your roommate of like 36 hours

and when you’re literally seconds away from sleep jae boops you on the nose

like . kinda hard

“hey go to sleep this couch is not comfortable i promise”

“shut up you’re BONEY everything is uncomfortable for you”

“okay now you’re just being mean get your ass in bed”

“sorryyy :((((“

“yea yea go away weirdo”

you tell him goodnight and hug him extra tight in apology and he pats your head so like. all is forgiven hehe

that night when you flop in bed and wrap yourself around one of your pillows you’re pretty damn pleased with your roommate choice

time skip you and jae have almost 0 boundaries other than the necessary ones that keep you Platonic Friends and not Married Couple

which is basically just any affection beyond hugs nd the occasional snuggle

you heard me

the boys are in your apartment . all the time

literally all the time

and wonpil drunk cries to your stuffed animals about never finding love

PLEASE someone save him please

nights like those you and jae go full parent mode because everyone’s drunk so sungjin can’t do it himself

he’s too busy literally breakdancing in your living room

he moved the coffee table out of the way and everything

after everyone is put in beds (dowoon gets to deal with wonpil‘s cry snuggling … sorry)

you and jae always collapse on the couch actually exhausted because you both have weak cardiovascular health and you just carried four full grown men

you end up leaned up against each other for support and then sagging until one of you falls over onto their back and the other just follows

it varies which one of you ends up the big spoon and it’s so CUTE when you do

you think jae pushes you over a little because he likes it too but he would rather die than admit he likes being snuggled so

you’ll fall over onto your back and jae will pretend to be surprised but then wriggle up your body until he’s half on top of you and half on the side with his head resting just under your chin

his hair is FLUFFY and it TICKLES you so you have to move it so you can sleep !

that’s what you tell yourself when you comb his hair down with your fingers

you pretend not to hear him sigh and feel it against the skin of your neck

you also pretend he hasn’t wrapped both arms around your rib cage like a vice and is not letting go anytime soon

cutie :(

he tucks his forehead into your neck and you physically feel his whole body relax and wow . so this is what peace is like

of course it lasts for 5 whole seconds before wonpil let’s out an actual wail and dowoon is urgently whispering shut the fuck up PLEASE SHUT UP

jae snorts against your neck and gives a minute shake of his head, splaying his hand across your ribs and tugging you farther into his hold

first of all. that ticKLES and it takes every shred of self control not to squirm

second: at this point he’s practically trying to fuse your bodies together really you cannot physically get closer than you are

you’re absolutely enjoying it though so you wrap your arms around him and settle in with one leg flopped over his and a blanket you pulled off the floor haphazardly thrown over the two of you

he’s such a SNUGGLE BUG you can barely believe it

he just loves to pretend he’s some angsty lonely dude who plays guitar and SKATEBOARDS like the giant cliche he is

when actually he is a Big Baby

he texts you to calculate the tip for him whenever he’s out to eat with the boys because he “swore off math in 2014”

he asks you if his outfits are okay nd he always looks like an old man but you still tell him it’s good

you think so at least <33

you can read each other so well it’s scary

you’ll walk in the living room and jae will be like NOPE i’m leaving

and you’re like what :(((((((

and he’s like i just KNOW you’re about to yell about random shit we both personally have no control over and it gives me ~anxiety~

“okay well i was just gonna say that global warming is a real proble-“

“LA LA LA I CANT HEAR YOU”

(he thinks global warming is real he just. doesn’t want to talk abt it bc he knows you will Never Shut Up once you start)

you hand him coffee on his way out in the mornings when you know he has a long day ahead and he pats you on the head in thanks every time

jae cooks for you too !!! we love equality

he sticks to pretty simple stuff but he was living alone for a while so he had to know at least a little so he could like. survive

and believe it or not the both of you are not always sunshine and daffodils

when you’re upset he always knows and makes sure to be there if you need anything but basically just leave you alone

he has a tendency to misread the situation and think it’s still cool for him to joke around but you are Actually Angry

and it’s gotten him into lots of trouble so instead he is supportive from afar and does his best to be not offensive

when he’s upset he’s usually super mopey and writes sad song lyrics all day

you forcefully drag him out of his room to make sure he eats and do your best to cheer him up by whatever means necessary

you’ve embarrassed yourself just to hear that laugh of his

the one where he opens his mouth really wide and gasps a little and his eyes squeeze shut

……… fuckin cute

anyways you guys are just dating already but don’t even realize

until one of your coworkers asks you to come out after work and you say no

and it’d be Friendly and Normal if you did it because you promised jae you would cook that night

or you had made plans with him or something

but you were just uncomfortable doing any of that kind of stuff with some Not Jae guy

and after that your eyes are ~wide open~ sister

you find yourself giggling a little too long when he jokes around with you

you can’t help it okay his presence is like a RUSH of serotonin

and imagining yourself doing couple things with jae

turning your usual dinner outings into dates in your head where he holds your hand as he drives and sits next to you in the booth so he can sling a long arm around your shoulders

you let yourself become the slightest bit more affectionate

tucking yourself under his chin every night before you split to your separate rooms

tugging on his hand to get his attention and then playing with his long fingers

you know he notices because god damn how could he not notice ??

he has literally bad vision but he can read the signs

This Ain’t His First Rodeo

he is hesitant to become involved with someone he depends on so much

the age old dilemma of wanting someone but then being afraid to lose them because of it

he wouldn’t admit it but you were quite literally the light of his life

he had been so lonely in his apartment before, living off of instant ramen simply because he didn’t want to cook anything and holing up in his room writing about loneliness and being lost

then you showed up with your bright eyes and took every weird quirk of his in stride and nagged him about eating better and washing his clothes “properly”

(he thinks when you say “properly” you just mean your own way but that’s besides the point)

he even liked when you would take his glasses and wear them and do terrible impressions of him because you looked so CUTE in them

he thinks you’d look cute in all of his belongings but again

are the both of you ready to cross that line?

of course u are lol what else am i supposed to write about

fourth wall break: over

okay so wonpil keeps coming over when he knows jae is gone to try to convince you that the two of you are in love and should get married and have little mini jaes and whatnot

you inform him that he’s CRAZY and that jae thinks of you as a roommate and friend and that’s IT

and as much as you want to think you’re denying wonpil because you’re embarrassed you’re starting to actually believe it

he’s never shown any sort of real interest in you that is out of the realm of Friendly Roommates

and yeah sometimes you guys snuggle but wonpil is literally wrapped around your right arm at this very second so . not valid

wonpil is basically BEGGING at this point for you to see what he sees

which is jae actually being sickeningly in love with you

even if you did believe him at all …. that’s an exaggeration and you both know it

“y/n he’s writing a SONG. about YOU. that boy love loves you. big time”

“people write songs for their friends all the time”

“not jae !! he’s never written a song that hasn’t been about love or loss, you choose which one you’ll be”

“oh shit that was deep”

“i know right? can you believe i came up with that on the spot? wig.”

and then you smack him for being a fckin twitter stan and continue with your argument

jae walks in just as it starts to get physical

wonpil is latched onto your leg as you squirm and wiggle around trying to throw the LEECH off your leg

jae detaches him with a well placed finger between his ribs that makes him squeal Very Loudly and let go

unfortunately you had been leaning all your weight to one side to counteract wonpil and when he let go you went careening sideways

jae just barely grabbed your wrist and yanked you back up

and then you stumbled into him and he stumbles and you both almost fall before getting your shit together

you’re standing pressed together with his feet spread apart so that you’re a little bit closer to his height as you latch onto his shoulders for balance

one of his arms slides around your middle to hold you against him while he used the other to make sure his guitar case doesn’t just fall off his shoulder

wonpil is on the ground holding his rib cage and fake crying when jae goes

“enough wonpil i could hear you yelling like a block away what is going on here???”

you peep out a nothing !!! at the same time wonpil yells

“i’m trying to convince y/n of TRUE LOVE that’s what”

“oh …. y/n is in love?”

“y/n is in DENIAL”

you plead with him to stop please wonpil

and he is relentlessly ranting about how you refuse to “see the light” and how happy you could be

jae sees that this is actually upsetting you from your flushed cheeks and furrowed eyebrows and the way you clutch the hem of his sweatshirt

“alright that’s enough. wonpil go home you lovesick fool”

wonpil trudges out and gives you a sneaky kiss on the cheek

jae has to hold you back when you lunge after him

after you’ve calmed down he slowly slides his arm from being wrapped around your middle to just barely brushing your back

you didn’t mean to get so worked up but like . wonpil is good at that okay

and he was basically going to out you to jae ????:??:!:?:$,&3!:8;

that’s a stressful event

you feel your breathing even out and you sigh in frustration

“i’m sorry y/n, he does that sometimes :/“

“it’s fine it was just . a lot”

“yeah”

you stand in silence for a good minute when jae drops his hand from your back and ducks his chin

“was he…. telling the truth?”

and you want to die because wonpil wasn’t even there and you’re still getting outed !!!!

“which part?”

“the part where you’re in love with someone”

“i wouldn’t say ….. love”

“oh”

and this is just painful so you take a deep breath and just

“okay listen i really really get it if you don’t return the feelings and it’s fine i just … please don’t kick me out i really love living here and all your band members coming over and i even love wonpil !!!! even though he’s a little crazy !!! and i love your fat cat mr.crackers and dancing around to old green day and watching shitty romance movies just to make fun of them and i just don’t want this to end!! we can forget it ever happened and i swear i’ll just. get over it or something and i-“

“okay don’t get too hasty about forgetting it i haven’t even said anything yet”

you stare at him wide eyed

“i’m sorry . what.”

“i can’t believe it took wonpil bodily attacking you for you to say that”

and then he drops his guitar with a thud and steps into your space to slide a warm hand around the nape of your neck

he pulls you closer and stops when your noses brush

“is this okay?” he whispers

“why are you whispering?” you whisper back

“shut up” he breathes right back

he smiles and then tugs you forward and tilts his head down to plant his lips on yours

he’s soft and tentative and pulls away after just a few seconds to press kisses to your cheeks and the tip of your nose

“if it’s worth anything i like you too,”

“are you kidding me that’s worth EVERYTHING ???”

and then you pounce on him and bury your face into the dip of his shoulder because you can’t reach his neck

damn skyscraper

he stumbles at first but then smiles down at your flushed face absolutely squished against his bony chest

he thinks it’s cute though and cranes his neck down to lay his cheek across the top of your head and loop his arms around you

dating jae is even better than you thought it would be !!!

wonpil wasn’t lying when he said jae was writing a song for you and when he plays it for you and sings so sweetly you cry your fckin eyes out

and he’s laughing and pulling you in to situate you on his lap with his guitar long forgotten leaning against the couch and asking you when you became such a softie

you look up at him with tears in your eyelashes and love in your eyes and he positively melts

he kisses your forehead and ruffles your hair and calls you kid like he didn’t just profess his undying love for you through song like the cliche he is

the two of you spend the whole night wrapped up in each other, expressing all the affection you’d missed out on in the last few weeks

you hadn’t realized how…. touchy jae is until now

he can barely function without his good morning kiss

“y/n i am a weak, weak man pls give me a kiss or else i won’t make it through the day,”

..you also hadn’t realized he was this dramatic lmao

the boys supremely unsurprised when they burst into your apartment to find you straddling jae with your fingers in his hair

i’m telling you they don’t even PAUSE in their steps they just look at you and acknowledge it

and then brian just …. takes a seat next to you guys and is like

“are y’all done i wanna watch this redbox movie and return it tonight before i gotta pay for another day”

you’re both cherry red in the face and untangle yourselves in astonishment at his casual tone

dowoon is rummaging around in your fridge and calls out from the kitchen that the two of you were the most obvious people on the planet and that the rest of the band was in the same boat as wonpil they just weren’t absolute psychos

wonpil: this is true but i resent that

all of you settle back into a comfortable dynamic

you’re super happy that your relationship with jae didn’t make anything weird

it probably helped that the very first night that jae mentioned in passing that you were cute and the band had never let it go since

it also probably helped when wonpil pointed out your actual literal heart eyes the first time you saw jae

……………. they were just waiting for it to happen tbh

anyways

nowadays you spend your mornings parting ways with a kiss and your evenings snuggled up together on the couch exchanging eskimo kisses and sweet nothings and you couldn’t be happier

<3

[shingeki-no-scenarios]

Title: His Love

Characters: Random issa surprise tho yall would probably see it in the tags

Genre: Angst I guess

Warnings: Some OOC depiction, manga spoilers, strong language

Summary: A drabble collection showcasing a father’s love.

A/N: Happy Fathers’ Day to all you fathers/father figures/dad friends out there! This little project has less drabbles than the Mothers’ Day one since I’m kinda using it to help me get back into the swing of writing regularly & just writing in general also im tired :D

one. While Levi took pride in being one of the most competent, effective members of the military, he truly doubted himself when it came to comforting or consoling anyone– be it a stranger or someone he’s known all his life. With the way his tongue couldn’t seem to help itself from being sarcastic and rather unnecessarily frank, he decided that he really wasn’t someone to be approached during times of sorrow or grief.

However, he couldn’t help himself from brewing a teapot of his prized black tea and pouring a generous amount for the shaken, seemingly betrayed member of his squad. Though the ravenette’s usual stoic expression painted his face, his eyes seemed to soften a little as he sat in front of the petite blonde lady who stared vacantly into space, while her superior tried to figure out if she was trembling in shock, anger, or a combination of both. Seeing that she wouldn’t take the initiative to speak any time soon, Levi cleared his throat to catch her attention; once he was able to do so, he heaved a heavy sigh before opening his mouth to speak.

“Historia,” he started before taking a quite uncomfortable pause, trying to piece his words together before continuing. He had quite a lot on his mind right now, given the complexity of the situation, therefore he couldn’t bring himself to immediately give a straight-to-the-point statement the way he usually does. “Are you alright?” was all he was able to add as he gave up on trying to string his messy thoughts together.

“Am I alright?” Historia repeated the question with a rather sarcastic, dry scoff. Levi wanted to laugh at how the pair have seemed to swap personalities, but he knew damn well that it wouldn’t be appropriate to do so– it wasn’t that funny, either. “I met my biological father for the first time in my life, and then I had to kill him because he’s an asshole. Now, I have to take charge of the land and clean up after his shit. I’m not alright.” her voice trembled and she blinked back tears of frustration as she spoke, urging Levi to push her teacup closer in hopes that the warm drink would somehow soothe her.

Albeit Historia’s response was one that Levi would expect from her, he could understand why she reacted the way she did, and he thought that she had every right to. Just like the young woman, he, too, had been in a position where he was young and pelted with demanding responsibilities he never asked for. He remembered being shrouded in fear, anxiety, and loneliness the same way the young lady was at the moment, but he couldn’t recall having the same selflessness, altruism, and determination she had– it made Levi admire and respect her even more.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be alright.” the elder of the pair heard her mumble, making Levi pity her and feel so sorry for her that he immediately felt a thousand pins pierce through his heart. Though Historia had turned her face away from him, he knew that pain and worry filled her face, further adding to the heavy feeling that sat on his chest.

Seeing that she had finished her drink, and that she probably needed another one, Levi moved to generously refill her teacup as he offered her a barely visible yet gentle smile that spoke volumes of how everything will be alright.

two. A smile creeped onto the elder man’s weary, matured face as he watched his son scan through his collection of novels, ocean-blue eyes growing wider with curiosity and excitement with each page he turned. As he leaned on his study room’s doorway, the elder recalled how back in the day, he was just as inquisitive and interested in all the knowledge the world had to offer, leading him to spend hours and hours with his nose in a book the same way his son did.

Sensing that he wasn’t alone, Erwin quirked an eyebrow as he slowly craned his head to face the doorway, offering a warm, welcoming smile to the man who stood there. “Hi, pop.” he greeted, turning back to the book he had in hand upon receiving an acknowledgement. Chuckling at how his son couldn’t seem to take a break from reading, Mr. Smith took small steps towards the younger, placing a hand on Erwin’s head before gently ruffling his hair.

“The Pearl.” the elder immediately recognized the novel albeit taking one glance at the page the younger was one. “My favorite book.” he rasped with a fond sigh as he affectionately patted the younger’s back. Knowing that his father was pleased with his book of choice, Erwin shot him a toothy grin and nodded enthusiastically, further adding to the pride and bliss Mr. Smtih was feeling.

“Would you sit with me while I read?” the boy asked hopefully. While his father did make an effort to spend time with the family, Erwin still yearned for quality time with him as each and every conversation they’ve had was enjoyable as it was intellectually-stimulating. “There are a few words and phrases that I’m not sure of.” he added bashfully, though he knew that the other would be more than happy to sit down and answer his questions.

With a bright smile, Mr. Smith enthusiastically plopped down on the chair next to the one Erwin was seated in and scooted closer, more than ready to spend an afternoon answering anything and everything that was to be thrown his way.

three. His limbs felt numb and heavy, while his vision blurred and his head spun with intoxication, though he was sober enough to make an effort to quietly close the door and gently walk through the cramped, dingy space he and his nephew called “home.”

Plopping down onto the ratty, worn-out sofa placed a few meters from the front door, Kenny leaned back with a sigh as he tried to calm the buzz in his head. Absentmindedly, he fixed his eyes onto Levi’s, his nephew, sleeping form. It probably seemed creepy, but he couldn’t help but observe how the young boy looked so peaceful and carefree in that moment– a stark contrast to the usual vacant expression he had on.

At that moment, the young boy possessed a striking resemblance to his younger sister, tugging on Kenny’s heartstrings as thoughts of how much he missed her, and of how much he wished she were there to see her son who has grown up to be a handsome, courageous young man. Though there were times where he was bitter about his sister’s choices that eventually lead to her demise, it all boiled down to how it happened because he didn’t fight hard enough for their clan, leading them to do whatever they could to survive in the harsh, cruel Underground– hiding like sewer rats until their clan was “good enough” to blend with the society they were originally a part of.

Though he has never expressed it, and he highly doubts that he ever will, Kenny knew that he loved Levi dearly; after all, he was the only family member he had left– there was no way that he would let anyone take that away from him. Crossing his arms and closing his eyes, the man swore the moon and stars that he would fight tooth and nail for the young brat. That way, he would be able to give Levi the good life he deserved and obviously had a right to. 

That way, he wouldn’t have a reason or excuse to grow up to be like his sorry excuse for an uncle, given that Kenny completely knew that he was and never will be fit to serve as a father figure– no matter how hard he tried.

[veryfineday]

Thursday 4 October 1832

5 1/2

12 3/4

V  Ͷ  N

fine morning Fahrenheit 63º. at 6 and 64º. or nearly at 6 35/.. - out at 6 35/.. - in and out till 7 - then with DicK arranging the turning of the new drain into the garden into the old sough - with Booth and his 2 men who began taKing out the library passage window - breakfast with my father at 8 1/2 - my aunt seemed better –

at Lidgate in 1/2 h[ou]r at 10  and staid till John Priestley came at two   she started as difficulties the not living at Cliffhill and my intimacy with the William Priestleys  she should do as she liked about the former  it was herself it was person not place I cared for  and as ssoon as all was ssettled my giving up the P[riestley]s was easy and natural  this ssaid she seemed reconciled and satisfied  I said I would listen to no difficulty but the pre engagement of her own heart  she declared it not engaged  and talked of letting the Ainsleys have Cliffhill as if she had determined on being with me at Shibden  yielding to all my reasons in addition to the former ones  I had said that if I survived her I could no longer remain at Cliffhill 

[margin: she shewed mr letters about her cousin Edwards Atkinson  her giving him thousand pounds on interest  I advised five hundred and have done with it ]

I had my arm on the back of sofa  she leaned on it looked as if I might be affectionate and it ended in her lying on my arm all the morning and my kissing her and she returning it with such a long continued passionate or nervous mumbling kiss  that we got on as far as we by daylight mere kissing could  I thinking to myself  well this is rather more than I expected  of course she means to take  yet on pressing the hardness of my case in having to wait six months  and begging for a less length of probation  she held out saying her mind was quite unmade up  and I must not hope too much for fear of disappointment  yet she asked me to dine with her at five and stay all night  I promised the former  very sorry could not do the latter while my father was unwell and my sister absent  thought I I see I shall get all I want of her person  if I stay all night   

back at five to dinner  she had put on an evening gown  and a sort of set out dinner for me  I talked much of the highlands etc. while the man was there  afterwards drew near to each and she sat on my knee  and I did not spare kissing and pressing  she returning it as in the morning  yet still I was not to hope too much  she said I was infatuated  when the novelty was over I should not feel the same  and might not find her a companion for me I waived all this fancying all her scruples were of this ssort   on leaving the dining room we sat most lovingly on the sofa  thought her aunt would not live six months  ssaid she had a fancy for Eugenie  if we were not ready for her by January we were to allow her something and retain her 

we were so affectionate  we let the lamp go out  long continued mumbling moist kissing  I prest her bosom the then finding no resistance  and the lamp being out  let my hand wander lower down gently getting to queer  still no resistance  so I whispered  surely she could care for me some little  yes  then gently whispered she whould break my heart if she left me she then said I should not think her very cold  (how the devil could I?)  and it came out how that her affections had been engaged to one of the best of men  that they could not be transferred so soon for he had only been dead just three months  and she got to crying  I begged a thousand pardons etc. etc. declared it was only thro ignorance that I had ever been so sanguine etc. etc. and thinking a scene would then come beautifully from me  seemed in a paroxysm of stupid tho deeply sighing grief and stifled tears  and declared myself hopeless  said my conduct or rather my hoping was madness  and she had no longer any reason to fear my preparing for myself nothing but disappointmen[t]  all this was very prettily done  I however promised to see her tomorrow and we parted in all the pathos due to the occasion  

I said little as I returned to poor John  musing on the curious sscenes of today    cold thought I! no sign of that  more likely she will try what I can do for her before giving the answer and I dont think I can do enough  she had said that if she once made up her mind she thould[should] herself as much as married to me for life  well I may try her or rather let her try me and go what lengths the first night I sleep there   she certainly gulled me  in that I never dreampt of her being the passionate little person  I find her  spite of her calling herself cold  certainly I should never have ventured such lengths just yet with out all the encouragement she gave me   I shall now turn sentimentally melancholy and put on all the air of romantic hopelessness  if I do this well I may turn her to pity or fight off I see good  I scarce know what to make of her  is she maddish?   I must mind what I say to her  be cautious  

sspeaking of Miss Sophia Greenup  said Miss Duffiin said now kiss Sophia love  and mention that I was to have brought her home but her mother luckily did not like her being under obligation to me – merely said it was Miss Hobart  now Lady Vere Cameron  I had with me at Hastings – hang it this queer girl puzzeles me  she told me this morning of the weakness in her back for which she uses Mr. Days ointment  it was from making her walk too soon when an infant – I think a little spice of matrimony would do her good –

at Lidgate from 10 to 2 1/4 then at home in 1/2 hour – saw my father and aunt, and with the worKmen, and bacK in 1/2 hour at 5 to Lidgate to dinner – home in 1/2 hour at 10 1/2 – my father and aunt in bed – just went in to the latter for a minute or 2 – then came upstairs and wrote the whole of the above of today till 11 40/.. –

DicK did drain into sough in the garden and finished the bit of walling up the walK began yesterday – the plasterer washed the paint of my blue room and point the stucco outside – Charles and James Howarth painting outside for my father – Booth and 2 men and murgatroyde at the library passage window – William Green carting stones and soil for DicK – got one load from Northowram – home today from the H-x[Halifax] philosophical society to say there would be a meeting of the subscribers tomorrow – ‘the annual meeting of this society’ will take place tomorrow –

Miss W[alker] much troubled with anonymous letters  ssaid she woul[d] get rid of all troubles of cousins or letters when with me  she seemed quite persuaded of this  I wonder what she will say to me tomorrow – very fine day – Fahrenheit 62º now at 12 tonight –

[skgway]

1824 Aug., Sat. 28

6 3/4

3 20/60

From 8 10/60 to 9 10/60 took a stroll along Coventry Street, Halfhide and Co., No. 7. Will cut me a seal with a motto e.g. a violet under a hedge with the motto il faut me chercher, for a guinea. Cutting my arms would be 3 guineas – 

Then strolled along the Haymarket Jermyn Street., Regent Street to the end of Pall-Mall, thro’ St. James Square home – Sauntering leisurely turning up and down to look about me – Breakfast at 9 1/2 – went out at 10 10/60 – 

Mr. Webb went with me to shew me the Jews’ synagogue (Danemark Court, Exeter Street Strand) – Went thro’ Leicester Square – 1/4 hour at the synagogue – Much disappointed – A dirty shabby place, yet they say, quite as good as that in Duke’s place near Houndsditch – But it seems, their grand place, where the tabernacle is, is in the minories – the Jew do not like to admit strangers – Cordingley met us just come out of the chapel (I had sent her at 9 to Mr. Truefitt to take a lesson in hair dressing) – 

Went to the sitting magistrate Hatton garden – Only 2 magistrates there this morning (got there at about 11), the one Mr. Flower, the other (the most gentlemanly) who behaved to me so like a gentleman yesterday – 5 40/60 p.m. Interrupted here by dinner – 

Mr. Webb soon brought up a roast leg of mutton and a newspaper asking me if I would like to look at it – I casually answered yes! He said there was business at Hatton Garden in it – He had never thought of its getting into the papers, and now it would be in them all – ‘Ah!’ said I, ‘the thought and fear of it just struck me last night – I am very sorry for it’ – It was the Times newspaper of today – 

The whole thing very fairly put in – At the moment I felt mortified and annoyed at the idea of what a quiz it would be against me – Mr. Webbe saw this, which was probably more than he expected – I soon, however, grew reconciled as I always do, and told Mr. Webb when he came in again I could not help laughing at the thing, and did not know before that I was like a foreigner – “a lady whose habiliments and address bespoke her of foreign extraction” – 

Told Mr. Webbe, if my uncle saw, it would a laugh against me forever – The truth was, I thought first of the Saltmarshes and that it would be in everybody's mouth at Halifax – 

But to return to my this morning’s visit in Hatton garden – I walked in to the magistrates room – It seems, by the newspaper, Mr. Rogers was the 3rd magistrate yesterday and Mr. Laing the gentlemanly man to whom I felt most obliged – 

I bowed and told him I had brought Mr. Webb – Mr. Laing appeared to smile, just said if I would give my name and address the permission should be granted – I asked if my name would not be sufficient. On his answering, ‘No!’ They were obliged to be particular whom they admitted – only to admit ladies and gents – Immediately wrote Miss Lister Shibden Hall Yorkshire, and Mr. Laing desired a clerk to write an order for me and my servant Elizabeth Wilkes Cordingley and Mr. Webb to see the tread-mill and the interior – I bowed, said I was much obliged the the gents, and retired – 

The order procured us instant admittance, the utmost civility, and a sight of the whole interior – I asked the matron (a very nice woman who shewed the womens’ apartments, if she often shewed them – She said yes! But it required a particular order from the magistrates – And that this order (by which we were admitted), must have been a very particular one – 

A most gratifying sight to see the prison so clean, and healthy, and orderly, and altogether in such excellent discipline – About 250 men and women and children – The men and women have 1 1/4 lb. bread a day, a pot (would hold a quart, I think at least) of gruel a day, and 6 oz. of meat every other day, and on the intermediate days, soup made of what the meat (beef, I understood) was boiled thickened with oatmeal and vegetables – 

The women far worse to manage then the men – The matron would have less trouble with 500 men than 10 women – The young women (in their teens) the worst – And the man told us, the boys were much worse than the men – He thought there was more vice among them then any set of people – 

8 20/60. I have just had Mr. Webb who came with the Courier newspaper (a little different from the Times, not less civil to me) and begged to say, he thought perhaps I had best write something in reply – Had best write a handsome letter to the editor of which paper I chose (I preferred the Courier) – I shall think of this a few minutes – 

Began to write some – Buckley came with my pelisse – It does not fit at all – A great deal too large – Then the person from Waller’s brought my stays – Luckily, these do very well – At last, at 10 1/2 sat down and finished (altered the whole style of what I had written before) the following:

 “To the editor of the Courier – 

Sir – I have this moment read in your paper of today, the account of my applying yesterday to the magistrates of Hatton Garden for permission to see the treadmill at Cold Bath-Fields prison – I am surprised and sorry to find myself so unexpectedly intruded on the valuable space of your paper, having been perfectly thoughtless that so unimportant a circumstance could have been deemed worthy of notice; but since the matter has been made public, I feel desired that my motive should be divested of the “scientific” nature to which it has been attributed, and reduced to the simple wish of examining for myself the merits or demerits of the tread-mill. 

I beg to express my thanks to the magistrates for their order of admission, which procured me not only access to the whole interior of the building, but the most obliging civility and attention from the matron and other attendants, on whom the apparent health and civil manners of the prisoners, and the perfect neatness and cleanliness of all the rooms, reflect the highest credit – 

I cannot help feeling persuaded from the case with which all the prisoners, male and female, seemed to perform the exercise of the tread-mill, as well as from the short trial I myself made of it, that the labor is not so excessive as it has been represented, nor by any means so great as that daily undergone by a large portion of the lower classes of society – 

If this determination never to condemn even in my own mind (for I presume not beyond this) any institution sanctioned by the proper authorities of my country, till I have taken all the pains in my power to procure the best possible information on the subject, – 

If such a determination, tho’ however in the present case too hastily or ignorantly pursued, can at all excuse the singularity and perhaps informality of my application to the magistrates, I shall be much obliged to you to insert this letter in your next paper, and am Sir, your honourable servant A. Lister”–

Sent for Mr. Webbe – read him the above – He thought nothing could be better and was for my sending it – But I had determined to let the matter rest, and merely wrote this, that he might not think I could not do it – 

Told him I should not like the notoriety of the thing – Should bring John Bull upon myself, etc. etc. and should be absent into the bargain, etc. and Mr. Webbe finished by agreeing I was right, tho’ I plainly saw he would have liked the notice into which I should probably bring myself – 

I told [him] I could bring myself into notice any time, but it would not suit me now. John Bull would sift out everything. And my uncle, tho of an old family and good fortune, did not live in that style, would bear me out at present as I should wish – 

But to return once more to the morning – After leaving the prison Mr. Webbe walked with us in search of South Crescent (Alfred Place Tottenham Court road) – It seemed a pretty long walk thro’ Brandenburgh, n! Mecklenburgh Squares, and thro’ an abundance of new streets –

Knocked at home 3 in the crescent – Asked for a wrong person, merely to find out that Mr. James Vallance lived there – A dirty woman servant came to the door – A simple house, like all the rest in the crescent – 4 stories high including the cellar kitchens – But I think the V– [Vallance]’s must be a vulgarish set – 

Returned by the Soho bazar – Mr. Webbe shewed us all over it – Got home at 2 – Thanked Mr. W– [Webb] for his civility – The poor man had spoken most handsomely of his wife, and seemed to like to talk of her – He seems impressed with a considerable of my talents, and importance, physical strength, walking, riding, etc. etc. 

Asked him about the expense of living in London – or of having lodgings or being at an hotel – He thought I could keep myself a maid and 2 men at an hotel very handsomely for 3 guineas a day, and a couple of horses would cost me a guinea a week each at livery – 

My cloth boots pinched me – Changed them and went out again directly – Took Cordingley to shew her the Burlington Arcade and Western Exchange bazar – Then sent her home – 

Sauntered slowly along myself to 166 Strand, and bought (at Dobson’s) a self-pointing pencil – Did npot much like the manners of the man, but found his pencil 3 /. [shillings] cheaper than in the Exeter change [Exeter Exchange], where I bought a small mariner’s compass in a brass case 4 /. [shillings] – 

Then sauntered all along Regent Street and Portland Place, and Park Crescent across the new road a little way into the Park – The entrance paris style portico and steeple of all souls church at the far end of Regent Street very beautiful – The circle not quite finished – Regent Street and the tout ensemble Portland Place, etc. magnificent – 

Met with a seal cutter No. 260 who would cut a fancy seal (a violet and il faut me chercher) for about 12 /. [shillings], ladies’ arms 1 1/2 guineas, gentlemans 2 guineas, without a motto, and 2 1/2 with one – Silvester No. 27 Strand would charge 18 /. [shillings] for the fancy seal, 2 guineas for a lady’s arms, and 2 1/2 for a gentlemans – Cheaper than Halfhide – 

Got home at 5 20/60 – Washing my hands, etc. Dinner at 5 40/60 – The occupations of the evening are given out of their place – Above – Very fine day – E [one dot, treating venereal complaint] O [no dots, marking discharge]. 

Settl[ed my accounts (sent Cordingley to bed at 11) and went to my room at 12 40/60. Then packed, which took me till 2 3/4 –

[More About Coldbath Fields Prison]

In the Mount Pleasant area of Clerkenwell, London the prison was originally run by magistrates and housed prisoners on short sentences of up to two years, and also served as a debtor's prison. It took its name from Cold Bath Spring, a medicinal spring discovered in 1697. The prison housed men, women and children until 1850, when the women and children moved to Tothill Fields Bridewell, leaving only male offenders over the age of 17. Despite its aspirations to be more humanitarian, it became notorious for its strict regime of silence and its use of the treadmill.

"Prisoners Working At The Tread-wheel, And Others Exercising, In The 3rd Yard Of The Vagrants' Prison, Coldbath Fields" from "The criminal prisons of London, and scenes of prison life (1864) by Henry Mayhew & John Binny.

Another image from “The criminal prisons of London, and scenes of prison life” (1864) by Henry Mayhew & John Binny. The main felons block is on the left, the vagrants block was the "half cartwheel" bottom left, the misdemeanants block centre right. More details are on the accompanying plan File:coldbath-fields-plan-mayhew-p283.jpg

Extract from London Courier and Evening Gazette, Saturday 28 August 1824, shared by Moira Macdonald with The Real Anne Lister blog.