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unetherealfeelings · 4 years

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Sushant Singh Rajput

**Trigger Warning**- Suicide, Depression

I apologise, this will be a long post, but I felt the need to spill my thoughts and possibly gain some closure. Please bear with me 🥺☹️

I think it’s been over a week I have been sulking and hiding away in the recesses of my mind. Ever since I found out about Sushant Singh Rajput’s death, I haven't been able to get over it as I normally do with celebrities. I feel a sense of despair and misery and they don't seem to be dissipating anytime soon. For better or worse I have resorted to watching his films that I haven't caught up on. I think in some twisted way I believe that watching his past films will bring me some form of closure. But really it’s deepening the ache in my heart, with the realisation he wouldn't be around for another brilliant performance, that shatters me.

I partly blame myself for this ache. I feel responsible as an avid movie watcher, I have always been aware of his films, I simply didn't take the leap of faith to watch them, if only I had, I would have understood the depth of his talent earlier.

In fact, I recently got around to watching Detective Byomkesh Bakshy and the ease of how he slipped into the role of a brilliant eccentric Sherlock-Esque character blew my mind. The role completely irradiated the actor’s presence behind the character and I completely and utterly believed he was the Detective. It is a testament to his acting prowess and the ability to slip into roles in almost a seamless manner as if, they were made especially for him.

Then there was Sonchiriya, what a helluva ride that film was, yet again I was completely convinced watching him as an outlaw bhaagi blindly following his iron-hearted leader, then later the despair from his leader's death and the final conviction to do the right thing for the once in his life. It was every bit heart wrenching and soulful watching Lakhna, finally receive the redemption he so desperately sought.

Speculations and News Coverage

I have been reading the speculations around his death, all over the world, people are trying to come to terms with his death whether it was pre-mediated murder or really a suicide. The fact of the matter is no matter what the conclusion turns out to be, he’s gone forever and solving this case isnt going to bring him back. I think even now days later I haven't come to terms with it. How could it happen? What exactly transpired leading him to make such a drastic decision? Who is to blame for his untimely death? Ultimately, there is a pain in the realisation that a man every bit talented and bright as him, had decided at some point that death would be the only way out. Pain, that to some extent the industry he worked and poured his soul into, may have played a part in his terminal downfall.

Oh and don't get me started on the media's news coverage. I haven't seen such a degraded level of humanity than what journalists, TV channels and reporters have displayed these past few days. Has a human life become so worthless that you refuse to give mourners the right to grieve in peace, the soul of the departed to rest in peace? That you had to share such confidential pictures of such a sensitive case all over the internet? It absolutely disgusts me, that there are people out there who would be willing to sell their dignity, shame and morals for TRPs. Utter scum, that’s all.

Change is vital for great films and great artists

Regarding the clusterfuck of emotions, accusations and outrage happening in Bollywood right now, I believe it had to happen at some point. I’m heartbroken that it took a preventable death for Bollywood and the audience to finally break this dam. I hope and pray that a productive and significant change is brought on by the chaos, that this outrage isn't one that merely blows over in the coming days. There needs to be a solid change in Bollywood which grants promising and genuine fledgeling talent easier access to auditions, directors/producers without needing the backing of big names, money or godfathers. And, what even is the need for an elite society of Bollywood stars? We get it, you make good movies and are bankable profit bringers, but if you can't even be decent humans and refuse to get off your high horses then I don't see the point of even worshipping such ‘stars’. As long as we the audience, the film watchers support art made by the sub-par talent of nepotism spawn. Filmmakers, talent agents and producers won't be pressured into actually producing good quality films with talent that actually deserve a chance to shine in the starry filmy world.

Your Mental Health is in your hands

I think the most important takeaway of this horrifying incident is the fragility of life and the value of prioritising your mental health. Listen, you are precious, your life is precious and you are worth so much more than the sum of your parts. If you take the decision to end it all, think about the people in your life who would be the most affected. The void left by your absence will never heal because you would have taken a piece of them with you forever. No matter what you think of yourself, know that there are people out there who are going to miss most, the parts of you that you think are flawed. All your insignificant quirks, flaws and imperfections that make you lovable, inspiring and most importantly human. We live in a world, so stricken with becoming perfect that we forget, we were created to be human;imperfect, chaotic and confusing. Never ever think your precious life isn't worth it, I guarantee that there will be someone will be affected by your loss. Please, for the love of all that is good and bad, reach out if you are in pain and suffering. Depression is a horrifyingly isolating illness, it locks you up in the darkest and most vulnerable corners of your mind, depriving you of love, confidence and your will to fight. So, just if there is someone out there you trust, friends, family, therapists, helplines, heck, even me reach out, please. For the sake of your future self, for what you could become in the future. For the possibility of a life full of love, hang on, please.

May peace be with you Sushant

As for Sushant, well I guess there is nothing much left to say, we can praise his work, the wonderful and down-to-earth personality that we lost to the stars too soon. In the end, it's all just a sad reminder of our futility in stopping his death. His death leaves a scathing reminder, that mental illness doesn't discriminate. Not between the rich, poor, famous, literate or illiterate we all fall prey to it. However, the difference between life and death is how we choose to battle it, in silence or with a support system. You get to decide what you want to do with your life, don't make it one you’ll regret. I’m sorry Sushant, I'm sorry you had to take such a decision to find your peace. I hope now that wherever you are, you are filled with the peace and love that you didn't get, here with us.

Sushant Singh Rajput (1986-2020). Lives on Infinitely through his films and art

#sushant singh rajput #bollywood #rip sushant singh rajput #mental health awareness is so fucking important #please take care of yourselves #we lost such a talented star

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spacesnaill · 4 years

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Holds you at gunpoint. Every question for Jupiter. (you can skip some if you want-)

i love you, you motherfucker 🔫

1. what is your character's relationship to the traveler?

jupiter is aether’s and lumine’s big sibling, so they all get along very well. i like to think aether and lumine are way more brash and “act before you think” kind of people, while jupiter usually is the one who takes lead (both because of the big sib energy and because they are way more analytical). that being said, jupiter is aware that the twins are very much capable of surviving on their own and fighting if there is any need for that, which is why even after losing touch with them in tevyat they know that the twins will manage somehow, they just need to find them

2. is your character proud of, ashamed of, or indifferent to their feelings towards members of a certain gender?

i’d like to think that the species/society the trio comes from doesnt give a fuck about gender and sexuality so jupiter would never feel ashamed or upset about their feelings towards specific genders. i dont think they would rlly label themself but they are definitely not straight. as to having feelings towards others: they are usually straight forward in their approach

3. what is your character's relationship with themselves?

jupiter knows their purpose and objective very well, but that often clouds their true desires. i like to think that they havent really been thinking for themself up until they were stranded in tevyat and had to rely on themself. they came to realize their own opinions and perspectives that they carry with themself everywhere they go. tho, their views are rather flexible, because they are very much willing to learn if an oppoturnity arises. that being said, they dont quite know themself well just yet, they are still learning after all

4. what is their favorite region? why?

with how much of the game is available rn, liyue is definitely their favorite so far. it’s culture is incredibly rich and full of fascinating stories and legends. i personally am looking forward to the release of sumeru, but what will come out of it is yet to be seen

5. what is their relationship with Zhongli? do they have one at all?

oh they very much do. while his charm and politeness are qualities that they very much enjoy, what originally drew them closer to him was his vast knowledge over liyue’s traditions and customs. at first during their stay at liyue harbor they would wait to catch him during his afternoon and evening strolls around the city to ask him things and carefully listen to everything he has to say. id like to think that zhongli appreciated having such an active listener and even a conversation partner at some point. eventually their little friendship grew into fondness for each other and they would seek each other’s company, until jupiter straight up confessed. id like to think their relationship is fairly innocent and very much founded on mutual respect and admiration. they both value honesty and communicate with each other rather well. and even though, zhongli hesitated before agreeing to travel with them, leaving liyue behind, he doesnt regret doing it

6. who is their love interest? If they do not have one, who is their closest friend?

while zhongli is both their love interest and their dear friend, venti is their first close friend. during the events of chapter I they both bonded. venti seemed like someone containing a vast amount of knowledge that jupiter was eager to discover. it quickly became apparent to them that the bard doesnt particularly like to talk about the past in detail, but venti still would surprise them with how much he knew about art and the culture surrounding it. they are both pretty light spirited so they always enjoyed each other’s company and their bond only grew stronger during their travels.

7. what do they think of Mona?

they are curious about and intrigued by her methods. they can also very much relate to her pursuit of lost/forgotten knowledge. they like to ask her about astrology and theorize with her, asking her to teach them little things for an exchange of a hot, homemade meal

8. what do they think of The Knights of Favonius?

their opinion on the knights is mixed. they can very much see that most of the people working for them are underqualified and not cut for the job or only doing it for the renown. while the idea of a city without a ruler is appealing, in practice the knights are the ones ruling over it and jupiter was left feeling sceptical when thinking about their methods and the possible future. they dont have anything against the individual people in the organization, but they do think their approach is highly flawed

9. wine is Mondstadt's most popular drink. do they drink wine?

while they do indulge in alcohol from time to time, they dont seem to be able to get drunk or even tipsy. they’ve concluded that since their body is built differently than a person of this world’s, its very probable that they dont react to certain foods and products the same way. alcohol is like any kind of a drink for them and many people are terrified when they see them consume it in large quantities

10. what do they think of Kaeya?

they like his playful nature and think he is a highly intelligent person, who doesnt show anyone what he is truly capable of. his methods, while very cunning, seem rather brash, which somehow reminds them of their siblings. while they are very much curious about his motives and history, they dare not to pray if it isnt welcomed. during their stay in mondstadt they would often times catch kaeya lurking in the tavern and spending time with the local gangs and bandits in order to extort information from them while drunk. in the rarer occasions where he would be alone, they would sometimes keep him company, filling the night with talks about nothing in particular

11. if they were forced to make the choice between killing their love interest/friend or killing themselves, what would they choose? why?

that very much depends on when that would happen. pre-separation with their siblings, they would very much operate on the hard logic of “whoever has more information/more important information should survive”. however after spending time in tevyat and meeting its people, jupiter learns to greatly value life and their inicial stance would change to a more selfless one. the more they get to know about the world the more they are willing to put their life on the line to preserve life in it, especially if its the life of someone they hold dear

12. what do they think of Childe? 16. is there a canon character your character hates? why?

at first they were open to the idea of being childe’s friend, however with time they started noticing that something was wrong with his overt friendliness. when he revealed his true intentions, jupiter was not surprised, but learning what he had chose to do made them absolutely despise him. staying in liyue has taught them a lot and made them care about the people living in this world. however childe seemed to have no disregard to them. they will not hesitate to fight him if their paths do cross again

13. do they carry a lot of Mora?

having a large amount of mora is basically a requirement when travelling with zhongli and venti. jupiter does take on a lot of jobs and comissions, though mora is mostly a secondary issue for them. they do find themself owning quite a lot of it at times until they overspend with their companions and are forced to rely on their survival skills in order to save up enough to get a roof over their heads

14. does your character side with Kaeya, Diluc or neither?

when it comes to the family feud: neither. jupiter doesnt like to pry into family matters and they understand both kaeya and diluc never talking about their issues with one another. while they cant imagine siblings behaving like that, due to their own experience, they dont feel like its their place to judge.

when it comes to the knights of the favonius: jupiter slightly leans more on diluc’s side, recognizing the many weaknesses of the organization as it is, however they both come from different places when critiquing it.

15. what do they think of Venti?

venti has become their best friend and they value him deeply. they worry about him sometimes, aware of the origin of his appearance and the history behind it. they like how venti seems to perceive life in a very poetic way and are fascinated by it. they get along very well and venti often fill their time during their travels by his songs, both known and not yet named

17. how did they acquire their vision?

they seem to be blessed with the same ability as their siblings when it comes to being granted powers without aquiring a vision themself

18. what is your character's weakness?

their curiosity and hunger for knowledge

19. what is their strength?

they utilize the knowledge they have gathered into things they can use to their advantage be it in battle or daily life

20. what is your character's theme song?

pure gold by half·alive

21. what weather do they love the most? why?

they love when its sunny. jupiter very much enjoys the feeling of sunlight on their skin

22. what do they think of Paimon?

jupiter would be Ecstatic to get to meet paimon. her vast knowledge in all matters would make her a valuable companion. in the current story they have no idea who she is as of now though

23. what do they think of the Fatui?

while they do not approve of the fatui’s methods, they cant help but think that something much deeper must be going on. jupiter wants to believe that the tsaritsa cant be simply evil and that perhaps she has some other, hidden motivation for her actions. having spent time with and got to know the fatui in liyue, they also know that not all of them are cartoonish bad guys

24. what do they think of the archons?

overall the concept of archons seems very new and intriguing to them. they do try to get as much information about their godhood out of venti and zhongli. they wonder whether this world really needs the archons as much as it claims to

25. what is the worst thing that could happen to your oc?

either losing their siblings or losing their memory (its a great fear of theirs)

26. what does your oc want the most?

their long term dream is to write down all the knowledge they’ve gathered so far and make it accessible and understandable to anyone willing to read it

#genshin impact #gi #genshin impact oc #gi oc #original character #oc #the third star au #ask #friends #jupiter

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ace-pervert · 4 years

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Ive finished watching eleven seasons of rupauls drag race and now feel I am ready to briefly review each season

S1: A good start though it must be said, ONGINA WAS ROBBED! Also there was favoritism.

S2: Not a bad season but at least somewhat ruined by Rupauls rather overt favoritism towards Tyra and dislike of Pandora. While I didnt like Tyra on the show his callout of the entire drag community after leaving drag has given me massive respect for him and feels like karma for RuPauls rather blatant self promotion and attempts to turn himself into some kind of rolemodel. But aside from the callout and Jujube, and Pandora the season is unmemorable.

S3: The top three were all highly skilled and the winner seemed to deserve it though that was later put into doubt after it came to light that Raja had worked with RuPaul before the show aired, and lets be honest Manilla Luzon was much more talented.

S4: One of the best seasons in drag race history, has the best music video, and Sharron Needles is hands down the most influential and versatile queen in drag race history. The only bad part, aside from the editing against phi phi, is Latrice Royal, who, and I feel this needs to be said, wouldnt have been in the top four had Willam stayed, and certainly wouldnt have made top five if Alaska had been allowed to join, mostly because she kept showing a similar outfit, her not being a particularly good actor, being thrown off really easily, and quickly relying on a shtick.

S5: Good season, but I feel that Roxxxy really did end up in the top three only because Visage and Ru love drama and the Jersey Shore look that was at the time Roxxxy Andrews trademark look, and the Coco Alyssa drama was really dull, neither deserved to be as high as ended up, and ultimately both queens are unmemorable.

S6: Not a bad season but i'm not a fan of Courtney Act or miss Lake, mostly because I think they both get away with looks that really they shouldnt have gotten away with, though arguable so did Bendelacreme. Though it was nice that there wasnt any drama, and Bianca del Rio is really funny.

S7: Ive tried to come up with words to describe this season, I cant, its just that bad. No not bad just dull, really dull and awkward, and the worst part is that its not the queens who drag the season down, the queens themselves are fine and Pearl stands out as being a particularly interresting person when not on drag race, its RuPaul being a tool off camera and coming up with challenges that play to the queens weaknesses rather strengths.

S8: Unfortunately I found Bob the Drag Queen so attractive out of drag that I stopped caring about what he looked like in drag with the end result being that I have no idea if hes a good drag queen. But ignoring the moments where I was drooling over Bob it was a good season with some truly great outfits,and a good Snatch Game, that wether for good or bad did very quickly become the Bob the drag queen and Kim Chi show, making it in hindsight the second most plann

S9: The season started off with an appearance by Lady Gaga , whose reviews of the outfits consisted of little more than name dropping and not much else, unintentionally setting the tone for a dull and awkward season with a cheerleading challenge that causes one person to crack a rib and another to almost permanently lose their ability to dance, a Reality Star Rusical that is well just dull, painfully bad lipsinks, uninterresting outfits, and perhaps the blandest wierd drag queen in the history of the competition. Its also in this season that introduced the lipsink for the crown format that I personally despise as it takes the power away from the viewers and puts it back in Rupauls hand.

S10: Solid season, mostly focused on returning contestant Eureka but the other contestants are given enough focus that it feels natural. The challenges are interresting to watch, the snatchgame is funny, and the dresses are well made. The top four are all stars in their right and the winner of that season could have easily been any of them, making this the only season where a lipsink for the crown made sense.

S11: Starts off strong with people like Miss Vanjie, Brooke Lynne Hytes, Nina West and Yvie Oddly revealing a high degree of skill both as actors and as dress makers. Unfortunately the blatant favoritism of Rupaul, the judges, and the producers towards Silky Nutmeg Ganache (honestly they seem like a nice person in real life, but on the show they just seem like a tool), unimaginative challenges, distracting and irritating cameos by former drag race contestants including by Bianca whos dull and unentertaining appearance shows exactly why contestants shouldnt return at all, a rusical so god cringeworthy you'll pray for death (Trump the Rusical), the worst snatch game in drag race history, and painfully predictable twists result in a terrible season, with the only interresting things being the romance between Vanjie and Brooke (they broke up four months after the last episode before the reunion due to conflicting schedules), Miss Vanjie being well himself, Nina Wests acting, and Yvie Oddly's outfits .

S12: Havent seen it, but lets be honest this season is the one where the star is a sex offender. By now many fans have analysed the season and its become clear that the person who was intended to be the focal point and possible winner was Sherry Pie, which means that editing them out for very well known reasons also makes them the focal point just in a different way than intended. Hell it wouldnt surprise me if this season becomes known as the one with Sherry Pie, not the one where the winner won. Though it might also be the last season that RuPauls on, as there are rumors that hes stopping with drag race.

The Christmass Special: To short for a christmass special, to much like the other episodes to be special, to blatantly commercial to be Christmass, and to scripted, even by drag race standards, to be drag race.

And now for a review of the Judges themselves

RuPaul: On the outside a warm, outspoken, well meaning person whose done things which are truly groundbreaking. But beneath that warm exterior beats the stone cold heart of a businessman. He's calculating, manipulative, greedy, has no qualms about setting queens up for failure, and ultimately hasnt done much that could be seen as groundbreaking. Perhaps the worst part is that its clear that in terms of humor , mentality and fashion hes never left the 70s, which combined with his callous way of treating the enviroment (as shown by his fracking empire) and his history of transpobia, makes him a liability to the show. Even if you manage to ignore all of that, the show is ultimately about the drag queens, not about Rupaul, and Rupauls attemps to make it about him really drag the show down

Michelle Visage: Shes a mother of two teenagers with a stay at home husband pretending to be a bitchy whore on a tv show about drag queens, yeah thats her career. Now in truth thats not the biggest issue, the biggest issue is that shes got hangups and makes the same jokes over over again and that after being on the show for ten years she hasnt developed as a judge so the routine, to paphrase miss Visage herself, has been done to death. In truth the show needs something other than the same damn shtick and same damn comments all the time, and if she cant do it then she should quite so someone else can do it for her. Ok maybe thats the second biggest issue, the biggest is that she kisses RuPaul's ass untill it shines brighter than a mirror.

Valentino Rice: Good judge, and had great chemistry with the other judges.

Ross Mathews: Cute guy, wierdly charming, and interacts well with the others.

Carson Kressley: He comes across as a very tired, very frail, very gay but very very very dull ninety year old man, which makes sense given the fact that his entire career is based on being gay, and hes, well old. Ok hes not really old, hes 50, but on camera he looks and acts closer to 150. And the issue isnt that hes gay, its that hes doing a shtick, a very dull and fairly offensive shtick. Possibly the worst choice for a judge, and the show jumps in quality whenever hes not there.

Now for a few things that just bug me.

Favoritism: Unfortunately one of the biggest issues of the show is that seasons tend to be structured around Queens who are intended to be the winner, or at least the hero, from the get go, which has the advantage of allowing the creators of the show to change the structure and challenges from season to season, but also makes it hard to watch if the season is blatant in its favoritism, if the intended winner isnt that good, or if the winner gets eliminated for one reason or another.

Cameos by former contestants: Cameos are a great way to get people to say "I know that person" which is great in a tv show because you know that the cast wont change in the next episode, but not great in a competition where all it does is take away screentime from competitors and giving it to competitors who most likely did not do well enough to win in their own drag race, and even if they did, the show is not about them, but about the current contestants. As such if Ru wants them to return he should put them in All Stars.

Cameos by celebrities: Add nothing. Its drag race not the red carpet, i'm watching for the up and coming drag queens not famous people trying to boost their careers.

Adding politics to the show: No, just no. Dont do things like Trump the Rusical, dont have steven colbert do a voiceover, theres no way that can go well and it comes accross as virtue signaling. If Ru wants to do something good he should double the prize money and have half of the money go to a charity of the winners choosing, or stop fracking.

Adding politics outside of the Show: Drag queens are celebrities and entertainers, as such are constantly in the public eye and dependent on being in it for their income which means that anything they say in public, wether its gossiping, or discussing politics, needs to be viewed as being some form of self promotion. Now this might make things difficult for them, but it is a well known part of being an entertainer so it can be assumed that they were well aware of this before they joined Drag Race. If they do want to talk about politics without being viewed as self promoting, they are free to make an anonymous account on one of the many sites, like tumblr, where its assumed that no one knows who the other people are.

Family Friendly Drag: Lets be honest its men shoving their cocks up their own asses while dressing up as women, and naking refferences to sex, for the sake of entertainment. Thers nothing family friendly about it. Nor should there be as part of the appeal of drag is that its something that is restricted to adults. Likewise they arent heroes, they are entertainers, not doctors, not construction workers, entertainers no more worthy of praise then a person on a sitcom.

Drama outside of Drag Race: While drama on the show is to be expected and is part of what makes it entertaining, drama outside of the show is different its more personal and something that in truth should not be shared. However by presenting it as gossip on various shows they are saying its part of the show, which is unhealthy at best.

Final note.

While I am critising the Drag Race, I am not doing it because I dislike the show, I am infact a big fan of the show but at the same time I want to get my thoughts out there see how others view these topics.

#drag race #rupaul

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isekaisyouwithmyforearmlaser · 4 years

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just watched wigfrid short few comments below

1. STUNNING animation. i would kill for them to keep animating dst shorts until i die.

2. i always thought wigfrid was a like 14 year old, though clearly she isnt, shes just very short. i think i partly thought this because hardcore theater kid vibes. i still see her as younger than say wilson or willow, so id say shes like 18 or 19 ish in my brain now, which is believable if you consider the possible time period and the fact shes clearly wealthy. (in my brain i consider wilson/willow to be in their mid to late twenties)

3. maxwell dick bag ruiner of dreams. fucking hate this prick i hope they still let him be an asshole even if hes doing this because he has to or whatever. i hope hes never nice.

4. if all of these disappearances take place in the same area, which im assuming is europe (like germany or the UK) in like the early 1900s-20s, then i wonder if wigfrids accent is just part of the role she played. partly i want to say its her real voice, and another part of me thinks it be interesting if she went just a tad bit crazy due to the fame her role landed her and in a desperate attempt to regain the high of her career she fully adopts the personality of her most popular role. clearly shes troubled by it, as its enough for her to literally follow a magic shadow man to god knows where. either way if its real or not i still like her vid and her hair.

5. i like to think all of the characters a a bit unhinged in their own ways at least desperate enough to again, follow literal magic monster demon lookin ass dude. take wilson desperate to further his own knowledge by any means necessary, willow literally pyromaniac, wendy grief stricken morbid child whose suicidal at a very young age, webber, who may or may have not have died twice, once by being eaten by the spider the size of a dog. i like dst so much because it takes all of these normally very heavy things that could be blown way out of proportion but they all get back burner because literal physical survival themes. the humorful way they color in this pretty depressing picture a la tim burton but way cooler imho and more consistent in quality. its creepy, but funny.

6. i already thought wigfrid was cute, but now im really in love w her character, she needed this lore soooo bad!

7. webber is next hopefully. i hope and pray. i wont be mad if we get robot first i just really love webber.

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midnigtartist · 6 years

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6. The super long kiss that wasn’t intended

He knows he should be watching the treeline. Sat beside Nott at the front of the cart, Molly knows that he ought to be scanning the tree line for any potential threats to their merry band as they weave their way through the valley. But he just can’t seem to get himself to focus on the slow passing trees as Nein marches southward. His gaze keeps slipping from the road, as he glanced over his shoulder at the wizard curled up in the back of the cart.

As to be expected, he’s got a book propped up in his lap. One of the spellbook he keeps strapped to his side, Molly notes, as he carefully and meticulously sifts through their recent spoils. The faint hum of arcane energy hangs in the air around him. It pricks at the back of Molly’s neck, making the hair there stand on edge and that’s why he’s been so distracted, and certainly not because Caleb looks so darling and content with his task, a small smile curling at the corner of his lips.

No, Molly thinks wryly to himself, it’s certainly nothing to do with that. Not at all.

He swings his legs over the side of the cart bench, earning and disgruntled yelp from Nott as she’s jostled by the movement. Molly ignores this, instead watching Caleb’s, dare he says, giddy smile as the pearl clasped tight in his hand dulls, and he picks up the bracelet he’s been inspecting. Sliding off the bench, Mollymauk seats himself cross legged at the perimeter of Caleb’s pile of spoils, resting his cheek to his fist.

“Anything interesting?”

Caleb starters, but only a little, his head jolting up and eyes blinking as he takes in the new addition to his ring of shiny things. Molly offers him a curling, close mouth smile in lue of a proper greeting.

Caleb nods, pulling at his beard. “Ja, this-” he gestured vaguely over the lot of stuff, a crooked grin on his face. “This ist gut. There is a lot a usefully things here.”

“Almost finished then?” Molly asks.

“Oh yah, I just have to look over these rings for Jester, you know, and then that will be all of it but ahhhh- you have come over here? Is- is there something you need?” the thrill the magic gives him, seems to bear wearing off and Molly can see Caleb slowly receding back into his shell. And that simply won’t do.

He shrugs “Not particularly. This is fascinating, by the way.”

Caleb lowers his gaze to his spellbook. He twiddles and twists the pearl between his fingers and Molly tracks the movement because that’s fascinating too. Caleb’s long fingers rolling the small bead between them is truly something and he can feel the slight flush crawling up his neck.

“You have seen me identify objects before,,,” Caleb mutters.

“And I find it thrilling every time!” he says. He leans forward so his elbows are pressed into his knees. “I think it’s just wonderful, that. How you can learn all of that stuff just from looking at it for a few minutes. It’s very impressive!”

Caleb shrugs, but Molly spies a phantom of a smile touching the corner of his mouth and he finds himself beaming all the wider for it.

“Well you know, there is a bit more to it then that but it is ahhh,, nerd shit.”

“What I’ve learned from traveling with the lot of you terrible people is that nerd shit tends to be the shit that keeps us alive. It’s very useful shit. Don’t sell your shit short Caleb, it’s very good shit! Quality, even.” he says. Somewhere to the right of him, he can hear Jester cackling. He keeps his eyes and his smile trained on Caleb, who’s actually turned a bit to face him.

“Ha ha.” it’s not a laugh, not really. It more just the noise, but it’s so endearing that Molly’s insides squirm with delight at the sound. “I suppose you are right- about that at least.”

“You’d be surprised by how much I’m right about, actually.” Molly says.

This time Caleb does laugh, even if all it is a huff of air. “Mister Mollymauk.”

“Mister Caleb”

The pearl rolls between his thumb and forefinger. “Would you like learn a magic trick? I, you know, I have tried teaching Jester before, and umm, Beauregard but, they don’t, well, they really do not have the patience for this sort of thing.”

He cocks his head to the side. “And you think I do?”

“I have seen you mend your coat.” Caleb says, actually leveling his clear blue gaze on Molly, effectively pinning him in place. “That embroidery is your handy work, hmm? Something like that takes a lot of time.”

Molly draws back so that he’s sitting up straight. “Well as flattering as it is to know you keep eye on me.” Caleb flushes. “-I don’t think I’m quite clever enough to do what it is you do dear.”

Magic, at least, the magic Caleb does, seems to require a lot of reading, and reading has never really agreed with Mollymauk Tealeaf. It makes his eyes hurt and his whole brain revolt against him, can even give him a terrible headache if he forces himself to work at it for too long.

Caleb’s brows draw together, forming deep creases between his eyes. “It is not that hard.” he says.

Molly flashes him a tight smile. “Yes, but I’m not that smart.”

The wizard shuts his spellbook with a forceful snap that makes Molly’s tail jump and curl up behind him. “Come here, Mollymauk.” Caleb says, commands really, Molly thinks with a shiver. “I will not force you, if you do not wish, but do not withhold just because you think that you might not be clever enough. I will be the judge of that.”

“Well when you put it so nicely,,,” Molly says, praying to the Weaver that he sound relatively unaffected by whatever that was. He slides over so that he’s sitting next to Caleb, instead of across from him. “So, what will I be learning then?”

Caleb hesitates, but only for a moment before he opens his book back up, and shuffles over so that Molly can see the pages, balancing it on his knee.

“Something simple, I think.”

“Oh goody.”

Even the creak of the branches in the wind sounds ominous, which Molly thinks is rather ridiculous and painfully cliche. His blade, glowing with a warm, white light, is wrapped up in the tails of his coat to dull it’s radiance as Molly creeps along low in the brush. The Nein had decided, against Molly’s better judgement, decided to travel a few hours past sunset.

“The next town isn’t that far, guys.” Jester had told them, brandishing the map with the same ferocity with which she handles her sickle. “We’ve been on the road for daaaaaaaaaaays and my feet are getting all tired and gross from walking so much and I just want to sleep in a bed and not in the grass and wake up with like, bugs in my hair and stuff.”

So they’d marched on, and now they’re paying the price because not only is it a good couple of hour past sunset, but they’d been assaulted by some ruffians. Taking advantage of the exhausted state of the party, they’d managed to stop them, rob them, and make off with Jester’s haversack of holding. With so much of their valuable shit in that bag, they’d decided to give chase, and had gotten spread pretty thin in the processes. Which, isn’t such a bad thing, Molly’d been able to pick off a few of the bandits, spread thin themselves, quickly and quietly. But he’s worried about everyone else. If they were unlucky enough to run into more of the bastards then they could handle alone, with Jester possible very, very far away. That could make things a bit more sticky.

Of course, they’re all pretty capable, decently strong. And yet,,, Molly’s worried about some, specifically squishy members of their party.

He’ll- they’ll be fine.

He marches on deeper into the woods.

A bit of time later, the sound of muffled voices hit Molly’s ears. Not long after does he spy the flicker of firelight through the leaves, painting speckled shadows along forest floor.

Molly pauses a moment, tucking himself against a rotting old tree trunk. Peeking over the top of it he can just barely make out a group of darkened figured, hooting and hollering like idiots around a makeshift camp. Why do petty thieves always do that? Make a whole fucking ton of noise that gives away their position. Every single band of thieves he’s ever run into does it. It’s just not smart. Though, if they were smart enough to understand that they probably wouldn’t be out here robbing well seasoned mercenary groups, he thinks. He counts the shadows, or at least he tries to. The back lighting from the fire is fucking up his night vision but he thinks he sees four or five distinct individuals. Too many to take out alone.

Reaching into his pocket with his free hand, he pulls out a little piece of wire. Its difficult, harder with only one hand, but he manages to wrap the bit of copper around his finger and brings it up to his lips. He points out into the woods in the general direction he thinks he saw people running. “Found a group of them. Looks like five maybe? North. Just past that one rock that looks remarkably like a penis. Oh ! and you can reply to this message” he whispers into his fist.

Molly does this eight more time, hoping that if he casts a wide enough net he’ll be able to get in touch with at least some of the Nein. Between not knowing exactly where everyone is and the, frankly concerning, fizzle of the spell against his lips he not sure how many of them got the message. On the fourth time, he hears Jester’s cackling rattling around in his skull. It’s a horrible bizarre feeling that makes his skin tingle,and not even in the fun way. On the sixth one he hears Beau’s exasperated “real fucking mature, man” and has to stifle a chuckle. On the last one, it’s Caleb’s voice ringing around in his skull.

“I see the rock you are talking about. oh- ja it does look like a dick.” He says. “I am making my way over to you now.”

Molly waits, one eye on the trees around him, one on the group of bandits, watching for any strange movement. Maybe one of them will come over here to take a piss. He could take them out nice and quite, and that would be one less shit head to deal with.

The bushes to his right rustle and Molly tightens his grip on his sword. Caleb comes sprinting out of the underbrush towards him, crouched low to the ground to avoid being spotted. Molly can’t even even get a word of greeting out before Caleb is suddenly upon him, hands reaching to curl around the lapel of his coat.

The wizard is positively beaming at him, his face cracked with a wide smile Molly has only ever seen him give Nott. His eyes are practically glowing, wide and excited and full of pride. He’s on Molly in an instant huddled against the rotten log alongside him and Molly is stunned.

“You cast message!” Caleb says, barely able to keep his voice to a stage whisper for the excitement. His hands come up, cupping Molly’s face between them and immediately the teifling feels himself start to color. Thumbs rub over his cheeks, Caleb squishing his face between his calloused palms “You cast the spell, you did the thing that I showed you! Oh! I am so proud! I am so proud of you! You are brilliant Mollymauk. I could kiss you!”

Well, that makes Molly’s heart do all sorts of ill advised and complicated gymnastics in his chest.

He puts a shaking hand on Caleb’s knee. “Don’t say thing you don’t intent to follow through on, Mister Caleb.”

Brain seeming to have caught up with his mouth, Caleb pales, then flushes a deep scarlet. His hand stay cupped around Molly’s cheeks, though they do lessen they’re squeezing a bit. His gaze falls past Molly’s right shoulder. “I ahh- right. I was- well I got a little excited I suppose,,,”

“Happens to the best of us.” he gives Caleb leg a friendly jiggle “Your secret’s safe with me”

Caleb chuckles.

They don’t move. They’re still dreadfully, painfully close. Annoyingly, not close enough. He watches as Caleb’s gaze flickers back over to his face. Watches the way his sharp, ever curious blue eyes trace the curve of his palm where it’s pressed into Molly cheek, all the way down to the corner of his mouth. He leans in.

The center of gravity suddenly shifts and Mollymauk Tealeaf finds himself crashing against Caleb’s warm mouth. Its quick, but it’s everything.

Caleb presses his lips firmly to Mollymauk’s for a brief moment, pulling him in with the fingers still curved around his jaw. Molly gasps, fingers tightening around the fabric of Caleb’s pant leg. He lets his eyes flutter shut. And then the warmth is gone and Molly opens his eyes to see the wizard staring at him, wide eyed and flushed. Still his hands don’t move from Molly’s face.

“I should not have done that. I-”

Molly brings his other hand up to the back of Caleb’s neck and pulls him forward. Their lips meet again and Molly can taste the crackle of arcane power that lingers on them. It shoots a thrill down his spine. The hand on Caleb’s knee tangles into the coarse fur lining of his coat and Molly sigh, deep and wanting against the other man’s mouth.

To his glorious surprise, Caleb responds in kind. His hands begin to move, one sliding down his face to rest at the juncture of his neck and shoulder, those long, scholarly fingers spanning across his throat, making Molly shiver. The other tangles into the short curls at the back of his neck, drawing Molly even closer.

Molly breaths through the kiss, eyes shut tight as he focuses on the feeling. Of dry and ragged ruined lips against his own. On the slight scratch of stubble against his chin and the rough pads of Caleb’s fingers on his skin. He feels exactly like he looks, coarse and rough around the edges. Nothing like the soft, sweet smelling hired company that Molly’s used to. He finds he likes this much better. The earthy smell that clings to weather battered skin, mixed in with faint hints of whatever spell components line Caleb’s pockets. Licorice and molasses.

Caleb sighs against him, tilting his head for a better angle. Molly puts all other thoughts out of his head. Forgets about the bandits at his back, and his friends stomping through the underbrush. Even forgets about their stole bag of good. He put his facilities to better use, memorizing the shape and heat of Caleb’s lips against his own

Molly parts his lips and prods at Caleb’s lower lip with the twin prongs of his forked tongue, makes a soft sound of pleasure as Caleb’s fingers tighten in his hair. Caleb jumps under his hands, pulling away. He desperately wants to follow, but Molly let him go, keeping fingers folded against the lapels of his coat, half to keep himself grounded, half to keep Caleb from bolting before he can find his voice again.

“Don’t you dare apologize for that.” He crooks out after a moment.

Caleb stares at him with blown out blue eyes. He swallows, runs a hand across his jaw. His fingers linger against his lips. “Ja- okay,,, That was ahhh-”

“That was good.” Molly assures him, stroking fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.

Caleb nods, looking a little unsure. “Gut, ja. You know, uhh maybe we should- should, you know- maybe we could do that again, sometime. But I think we should probably take care of those bandits first.”

A smile splits Molly’s face. “Think we can take them, just the two of us?

“No.” Caleb hands come back around to cup his cheeks, then slip down, coming to rest against the front of Molly’s coat “We are pretty tough, but you said that there were at least five of them. I do not want us taking any unnecessary risks.” he starts fidgeting with Molly’s coat, adjusting it on his shoulder and smoothing out the silk with his hands. “Clever boy.” Molly says, fondness laced into his words.

Caleb doesn’t meet his gaze, but he does smile.

The sound of twigs snapping catch their attention and moments later Beau comes slinking out of the bushes, a new bruise swelling up over her eye. Caleb hands fall away. Molly keeps fingers pressed lightly against the side of his knee.

“That’s a good look on you.” he says, once Beau is close enough.

“Thanks asshole.” Beau wedges her way between the two of them, elbowing Molly in the stomach as she does.

He whizzes out a pained laugh.

#critical role #widomauk #caleb widogast #mollymauk tealeaf #request closed #midnigtwrites #this is soft yall

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side-effect-of-the-meds · 5 years

Note

Okay!!! Desperate for twinyards :D!!! Will Aaron ever found out that erin takes care of him when he is drunk? And will he find out that Aaron cares for him and will there ever be a point where the things he said when he is drunk would be said when be isnt? Gosh im such trash for your fem!andreil

I’m so sorry these asks keep taking so long! They take me thirty years to get to and then they turn out really bad. One day I’ll start creating quality content. Until then, have this.

In honor of Spoopy Month, it’s Halloween themed!!!!! (I borrowed a big chunk of it from my canon compliant fic Love of my Life but I just really like that part of the story. Sorry :))

“I never thought Crowley and Aziraphale would ever return to Eden,” Ronnie said as the Monsters made their way to the bar. Ania smiled. Erin scowled. “Aw don’t scowl at me like that, Angel.” Ronnie barely dodged the heels Erin chucked at her. With a broad smile, Ronnie turned her attention to Aaron. “I’m sorely disappointed to see that you’re not the Archangel Micheal.” Aaron glared at her but his annoyance didn’t last.

Aaron could never stay mad at Ronnie for long. For the longest time, Ronnie had been the only ray of sunshine in Aaron’s dreary life. The middle child and only daughter of a rich widower, Ronnie was free to do as she pleased while her father groomed her brothers to inherit his fortune. Having four brothers would be more than enough for most people but Ronnie hadn’t hesitated to adopt Aaron into her little band of miscreants. In the years before Erin’s arrival, it was Ronnie (and at times, her brothers) that had been looking out for Aaron. She was just as much his sister as Erin was. That was what made their relationship so hard for him to wrap his head around. He’d given up trying to make sense of how they could have gone behind his back like that long ago but on nights out at Eden’s he couldn't help but feel a little betrayed.

“Earth to Mikey,” Ronnie said, waving a hand in front of his face. “Come on, we’re toasting you’re little cheerleader. To Katelyn,” Ronnie cried as she raised her own shot. “For breathing -or maybe blowing- some life into Aaron!” Aaron shrieked at the crude joke as his family laughed, downing their shots. Aaron’s brain short-circuited at the sight of Erin downing her shot to the toast. She just wants to drink, Aaron told himself as he regained control of his thoughts. Curling himself into his shoulders, he stood apart as Ronnie caught up with the others.

“Aaron,” Josten said as she nudged his foot with her boot. “Erin said to grab a table.” Aaron nodded and headed off to search for one. Despite the pounding music, he heard Josten following him. He risked a backward glance only to find her watching him. He growled but Josten’s face remained blank. She’s been spending too much time with Eri, he thought as he went back to shouldering his way through the crowd. Finally, he found a table in the back of the club with just enough chairs for them. Without hesitating, he sank into one only to find it covered in something sticky and white.

“Oh Hell no,” he screamed as he leaped up. Josten peered over at his seat before doubling over in a fit of laughter. “Fuck off, Josten.” He snatched the paper towels she offered him out of her hands and did his best to clean himself off before kicking over the chair.

“I see temper tantrums run in the family,” Josten remarked. Aaron looked over at her. She was staring out across the dancefloor, a soft smile on her face. Following her gaze, he spotted Erin flickering in and out of view from where she still stood at the bar. A pang shot through his chest. Ania looked at Erin the same way Erik looked at Nicky- the same way Katelyn looked at him.

“Damn you, Josten,” he said, more to himself than her.

“I’m already damned,” she replied anyway. “I’m damned to spend the rest of eternity in love with your sister but if that isn’t damnation at its best, I don’t know what is.”

The world tilted beneath Aaron’s feet. Love. Ania had said she loved his sister. His Erin. His Little Doe. Tears spilled from Aaron’s eyes. “If you hurt her…” he said, his voice breaking before trailing off entirely as he gulped for air.

“She’ll kill me herself,” Ania answered easily. She reached a hand out and carefully wiped a tear from his face. “Don’t cry. Eri’ll skin me alive if you do.”

“Does she even care?” he asked. Aaron tried to smile as he asked it but he knew it came out as more of a grimace than a smile. A wave of sadness crashed down over him at the sound of his own words.

"Of course she cares, you cracked walnut," Josten snapped. As the strobing lights passed over her countenance Aaron could see the fury on her face. "I've only known her a year. You've known her for three? Four? How the hell can you not-" Josten stopped short. "It's because you're always drunk," she said quietly.

"No. That's Kevin," Aaron said.

"Whenever we're here. Whenever we go home, you're too drunk to remember."

"Remember what?"

Josten worried her lower lip, weighing her words "Don't drink tonight." She clamped a hand over his mouth before he could protest. "Trust me. You'll see."

"Trust a liar?"

"I wouldn't lie about Erin." It sickened Aaron to know she was telling the truth. For the remainder of the night, to Kevin's delight, Aaron discreetly pawned his drinks off to him. Where Erin excelled at faking the drug-induced mania she’d lived with for the last two years, Aaron excelled at faking a drunken stupor. Or at least, he usually did. Keeping up the act was much harder than Aaron anticipated. He was far too preoccupied keeping an eye on his sister to fully concentrate. A few rounds in, he gave up watching her in favor of retreating to the dance floor. At least there, he wouldn’t be under her constant scrutiny.

He was wrong. Each time the crowd parted enough for him to have a clear view of the ledge where he’d left them, he found Erin’s eyes trained on him. No matter where he went or what he did, she was watching him. Beads of sweat formed along his forehead. Had she seen through his ruse? Did she know he was faking?

There was nothing Aaron could do now but pray. He passed the remainder of the night on the floor with Nicky. Around 11:50, Ronnie called out for the final round. Josten was by Aaron’s side in an instant.

“Throw your legs onto Nicky’s lap in the car. And talk to Kevin about something- anything. Make him laugh.” Aaron broke his facade to shoot a confused look at her. “Just do it,” Josten pleaded. Aaron ground his teeth together as he considered his options. After a moment he gave her a sharp nod and made his way over to the counter with her to collect the final round.

In the car ride home, Aaron did as he was told. He threw his legs over Nicky’s and leaned heavily against Kevin. Kevin wrapped an arm around Aaron, who tensed immediately. Kevin Day was not known for his compassion nor for his affection. Catching the warning look Josten shot him as she buckled her seatbelt, he forced himself to relax. For once in his life, Kevin wasn’t talking about Exy. Instead, he was giving a lecture on the unabridged history of the LGBT community. Aaron tentatively slid his own commentary into the lesson. To his relief, both Kevin and Nicky laughed. He choked on the soda he was drinking when he saw the upward curl of Erin’s lips in the dashboard mirror.

Nicky got out of the car first as it rolled to a stop on the drive. He toppled face-first into the grass and laughter burst out of Aaron. He felt something pressing at his back and before he knew it, he toppled out of the car too.

“You drunk bastard,” Erin said. Aaron’s heart stopped as he rolled onto his back. Erin was standing over him, a brilliant grin plastered to her face. “That’s what you get for drinking so much” She bent down and scooped him up in an easy, obviously practiced, motion. Aaron was too shocked to say a word.

Aaron was suddenly thirteen again. He was sitting curled up on his mother’s bed with the handset pressed to his ear. A woman's voice drifted through it. She was talking about a girl named Erin. The woman was gushing about how happy she was to have found Erin’s birth mother, and her brother too. Brother, Aaron thought. He felt his heart racing in his ribcage. I’m- I’m a brother! A twin brother! Aaron had been over the moon at the very thought of meeting his sister.

The voice of his mother sent him crashing back down to earth. She hissed at the woman to keep her fat mouth shut. She didn't want to know anything about Erin. She wanted nothing to do with her and she certainly did not want Aaron seeing her again either. She slammed the phone down so hard that Aaron jerked the phone away from his face. Silently, returned the phone to its cradle and crawled back to his own room. Drawing his legs in, he tried to hold in his grief. Hot tears streaked down his face as his shoulders shook. Anger coursed through his veins. Clenching his jaw, he unfurled himself and stalked into the kitchen. He grabbed a notebook and pen from the kitchen and ran out of the house. He raced down the block to the park. Seated at one of the picnic tables, his pen flew across the page. He wasn't quite sure what he'd written, only that he had to send it before his mother ever found out. He stopped by the fountain on his way out of the park. He would need money to send the letter. With a grimace, he peeled his shoes and socks off. Wading through the fountain, he collected every penny, nickel, and dime he could find. This isn't stealing, he told himself. They threw their money in here. Even if it is, it doesn't matter. This is for my sister. This is for Erin.

Every day for the next two weeks, Aaron checked the mail in the hopes of finding a response to his own letter. When it came, Aaron nearly had a heart attack on the spot. He sat down on the steps in front of the house. With shaking fingers, he carefully opened the letter. A brilliant smile plastered itself across his face when he saw the chicken scratch that filled the page. It looked just like his own handwriting. Unfortunately, his smile had been quick to fade. Erin had only written back to tell Aaron that she didn’t want him around. She was more than happy to remain with Cassidy and her new brother, Drake. Aaron grabbed desperately at his chest. It felt as though some hand had forced its way into his ribcage and ripped his heart out. New brother, Drake. Tears fell onto the page. Ink ran, blurring the words into one another. Aaron ripped up the remnants of the letter up and hurled them in the bin. He collapsed on the kitchen floor, sobbing. Great, he thought. Fucking great. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need her. I don’t need anyone. I hope I never meet Erin or her new brother Drake.

But Aaron had. He had been sat down across from her in a juvenile detention facility, three feet away from her, separated by a four-inch pane of bulletproof glass. Looking at Erin was like looking through a funhouse mirror, it was him but something wasn’t quite right. Sure, Erin’s hair was longer than his, ending harshly at the edges of her jaw and she had a few more moles than he did but that wasn’t it. Maybe it was the seemingly permanent downwards tug of her lips. Maybe it was the bold set of her shoulders that exuded a confidence Aaron could only dream of.

Maybe it was her eyes. They were the same brown as his but where his were full of pain and fear, hers were empty. Two empty pits stared back at him from across the table. The glass may have been designed to protect him from Erin’s fists but it did nothing to save him from her eyes. So empty. So soulless. Aaron had once heard that there had been a time when people had refused to take photos for fear that they stole the souls of the photographed. At the time, Aaron had scoffed at the people for being so stupid. Now, Aaron understood. Sitting before his sister, he feared that if he stared too long into her eyes, she might steal his to replace the one she lacked. They were so cold. So empty. So loveless. On the plane back from Cali, Aaron closed his eyes only to find his sister engraved on the back of his lids.

Back in Columbia, Aaron stood before Nicky’s full-length mirror. He’d tugged a skull cap down over his head. His bangs poked out from beneath, matching Erin’s to a T. He blinked and it really was Erin staring back at him in the mirror. Reaching a hand out, he traced a finger down her cheek. Her cold eyes stared back at him and realized why he couldn’t look directly at them. They were their mother’s eyes. When Tilda Minyard wasn’t drunk or high, she was empty.

There wasn’t very much Aaron knew about his father other than the fact that his mother had eloped with him once she’d learned of her pregnancy. Tilda was three and a half months pregnant when Micheal Minyard died in a car crash. Depression coaxed Tilda back into old habits that Micheal had helped her break. She began drinking and chain-smoking despite the twins she bore within her. Both twins were born with fetal alcohol syndrome, manifesting in their stunted growth, ADHD, and Aaron’s dyslexia. Erin had developed a nicotine addiction as well. It wasn’t until after Aaron had found out about his twin that Tilda had told him this.

“I didn’t even want you,” Tilda mused as she took another swig from her whiskey bottle. “I wanted Erin but your names sound so similar that the shitty ass nurse fucked up and gave me the wrong one. You never stood a chance with me,” she said. “I was never going to love you.” Tilda swung the bottle at the side of Aaron’s head. It connected with his skull and rattled his brain but it wasn’t enough to dislodge the words from it.

Aaron pressed his forehead up to the mirror. Up to Erin’s forehead.

“Do you know why Mom doesn’t love us?” he whispered. “It’s because no one loved her. No one but Dad but he’s long gone. It’s his fault, you know? Luther’s, I mean. Mom is the way she is because her own brother didn’t love her enough. He didn’t love her enough to let her stay once she got pregnant. He didn’t love her enough to help her take care of us. He didn’t love her enough to protect you.” Tears slid down Aaron’s face as his grip on the mirror’s frame tightened. “Luther might not have loved his sister, but I’ll love you til the day I die.” Looking in the mirror, Aaron saw himself again but it wasn’t the same Aaron he’d grown accustomed to seeing. This one had fire. This one had fight. This one would protect his sister, no matter the cost. This one was going to save his sister from devolving into the monster their mother had become.

That Aaron failed. Erin was just as cold and empty as their mother had been. That Aaron failed. Erin was forced to face Drake all on her own. Every night, he lay awake wondering what horrors his sister faced behind the pristine white walls of Easthaven. No amount of kisses and cuddles from Katelyn were enough to bury the weight of Aaron’s broken promise. Guilt and regret intertwined, winding around Aaron and choking the life out of him. He broke down constantly, reduced to a sobbing mess by the weight of his woes.

Aaron loved his sister more than life itself. Erin was indifferent to him. Upon her return from Evermore, she hadn’t even spared him a passing glance. Instead, she’d fixated upon the child Josten had brought home. Aaron had never expected his sister to fawn over him. It wasn’t in her nature. Or so he had thought. It was because of this that Aaron couldn’t help the spike of jealousy that shot through him as he watched his sister’s shoulders soften when she held the baby. He could barely contain the scowl he felt tugging at his lips as Erin brushed her lips against the backs of Cleo’s hands.

Cradling Cleo close he asked her, “What makes you so special? I know why Erin lets Ania have what she wants but what about you? You’re just a baby. I’m her brother. Am I not good enough for her?” Tears splashed down onto Cleo’s face and he hurried to wipe them off of her. As he did, he felt Cleo’s tiny hand wrap around his little finger. It was just barely big enough to encircle the single finger. “Oh,” he said. “That’s why.” He sat down on the couch and lay Cleo in his lap. She looked up at him curiously before her face split into a wide grin. “No wonder Mom wanted a daughter.” Cleo babbled at him and he chuckled softly. “You’re right. Maybe Luther was jealous too. I won’t be like him,” he swore again. “I’m not going to abandon Erin. Or you either.”

Aaron loved his sister more than life itself. If Josten made her happy, then so be it. If Cleo was the one she showered with love, then fine. But a small part of him wasn’t fine. Erin didn’t love him. His sister, his own flesh and blood, didn’t love him. It left a hole in his heart, one that even Katelyn couldn’t fill. Aaron hadn’t known what he’d have to give up to Katelyn but what he did was far worse than anything he could have imagined. There weren’t enough words in any language to express the anguish that washed over Aaron when Erin had picked Ania over him. He’d used Josten as bait for Erin to break her promise but a small part of him had wanted her to refuse. He’d wanted Erin to pick him over her. He’d wanted Erin to do the unthinkable and tell him that she loved him more than she wanted Ania. He’d wanted her to wrap her arms around him and hold him close.

He wanted her to hold him the way she held him now as she carried him to the front door. Josten was already unlocking the door. She turned at the sound of Erin’s footsteps. A bright smile of her own burst out across her face.

“Shut up, Ania,” Erin swore.

“Haven’t said a thing,” Josten replied. She pushed open the door and let Erin pass. “Erin?” she asked as she followed them into the house. “Why do you only do these things when Aaron’s drunk?” To anyone else, it may have seemed like an innocent question. To Erin though? Getting anything from her was like pulling teeth. For half a second, Aaron didn’t expect her to answer. Then he remembered that it was Josten asking not him. A pang of bitterness pierced his heart as he felt his sister’s chest swell at the intake of a breath.

“Because he’s nice to me,” she said. Aaron’s head jerked up but Erin wasn’t paying attention. She’d stopped walking. Her eyes were trained on a spot on the wall. “After I killed Tilda, he stopped talking to me entirely. Aaron loved Tilda, even if she didn’t deserve to be loved, and I took her away. I hate when you say you’re fine because that’s what I told myself whenever he ignored me. I told myself that I didn’t care. I did. Aaron’s favorite color is navy blue. Half of my closet is navy blue. Aaron’s favorite song is Young Blood. It’s on every one of my cassette tapes in the car. I hate cool ranch chips but I buy three bags every time I go to the store because Aaron loves them. Tilda didn’t deserve Aaron’s love but he loved her anyway. I don’t deserve Aaron’s love either. I-” A shaky breath rattled through Erin. “I just wanted him to love me too.”

“I do,” Aaron blurted out. Erin snapped out of her trance at the sound of his voice.

“You’re not drunk,” she said. Her voice was dangerously quiet. Her eyes were dark and stony but this time Aaron didn’t look away. The longer he stared, the more apparent it was to him that they weren’t empty. Staring into them, he saw something flickering deep down inside.

The truth about cameras is that they don’t steal your soul. They show you yours. No matter how perfect a picture may seem to others when a person looked too hard at their own, they saw what lurked beneath. It wasn’t that Erin had their mother’s eyes. It was that she had his. When Aaron looked too hard at his sister’s eyes, he saw too much of himself. He saw the sad, empty creature he’d become. He saw the defeated, lonely creature he still was. Most people hailed Aaron as ‘the normal twin’, the Dr. Jekyll to her Mr. Hyde. No one realized how wrong they were.

Erin was a fatalist at heart. To her, everything, every single thing, was predetermined. If the world believed her to be a monster, then that was what she’d be. She played her part and lived exactly the way people thought she would. It was all an act though. Behind every one of Erin’s monstrous acts, was a lonely little girl trying her hardest not to get left behind again.

Unlike his sister, Aaron didn’t believe in fate. Every man made his own way in life, no matter the circumstances he faced to make it there. If that was true, then didn’t that make Aaron responsible for all the things that he’d done? Growing up, Aaron had done many things he wasn’t proud of. It didn’t matter who suffered so long as it wasn’t Aaron. If there was no fate, then wasn’t Aaron responsible for all the people he’d hurt? It wasn’t Erin who was a monster. It was him. When Aaron looked too hard at his sister’s eyes, he was forced to face the monster he had become and it scared him.

Aaron felt the support go out from under him and he hit the floor, hard. Erin spun on her heel and shoved past Josten. Neither of them moved until they heard the door to her bedroom slam shut.

“I told you so,” Josten whispered. There were tears shining in her eyes. “It’s over, isn’t it?” she asked herself.

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked.

“I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone about this and now… she’ll never trust me again.” Her voice broke.

“Ania-”

“Don’t, Aaron.” She turned on her heel and marched out of the house, nearly knocking over Kevin who was dragging Nicky in.

“What the hell have you done to her?” Kevin snarled. Just the sight of a teary-eyed Josten was enough to sober him up. He abandoned Nicky and closed the space between himself and Aaron in the blink of an eye. Balling his fist in Aaron’s shirt, he shoved him against the wall. “I’m not asking again, Aaron.” This is what a brother should be, Aaron thought.

When Ania first arrived at Palmetto a year ago, she and Kevin were always at odds. No matter what she did, it was never enough for him. But that was because he knew she could be better. Nicky had made the mistake of mocking her once and Kevin and slammed him against the wall just as he held Aaron now. Erin intervened quickly, breaking them apart with a poisonous smile and a flash of steel but one thing remained: Kevin Day, a man afraid of his own shadow, hadn’t hesitated to square up the second someone dissed Ania. And that was before he’d found out who she really was.

Kevin and Ania weren’t bound by blood the way the twins were. They’d chosen each other. Ania had chosen to follow Kevin out to Palmetto and Kevin had chosen to have her back. But hadn’t the twins done the same thing? Erin chose to move to Columbia and Aaron had chosen to protect her. Why had they failed where Kevin and Ania had succeeded? The two of them were just as broken as the twins. In fact, they were worse. Ania had lived her life in the shadows, jumping ship the second anyone started to get too close. Kevin had lived his life in the limelight, denied anything even resembling a friend.

Even without knowing her, Kevin had looked upon the wretched creature that had been Ania Josten and wanted to offer her a future. He had wanted to offer her something to live for. Kevin would never be able to love Ania the way she needed to be but he wanted to give her the chance at a life where she could find someone who could.

And he did. Kevin brought Ania to Palmetto and gave her a reason to keep going. He brought her to Erin, someone who could care for her the way she needed to be cared for. But what had Aaron done for his sister? He’d pushed her away the second things got hard. He’d denied her of the love he’d promised himself he’d give. He’d made her lonely.

“How?” he croaked. “How do you do it?” Kevin frowned and his grip loosened.

“How what?” he asked.

“How do you always know what Ania needs?” Aaron had seen the way Ania ran to Kevin the second things fell apart. Too many times, he’d come back to the dorms to find her breaking down in Kevin’s arms. Each time he’d watched Kevin swaddle her shaking form in blankets and offer her things: a cassette player with only one tape, a bowl of vanilla ice cream drowning in chocolate syrup, his laptop with an exy game already loaded.

During Erin’s time at Easthaven, Aaron had found himself craving the smell of cigarette smoke. He wasn’t a smoker but the smell reminded him of Erin. One night, he finally caved and dragged himself to the corner store. He returned with a pack of cigarettes and another pint of strawberry ice cream. Every time Aaron passed by the corner store, he picked one up. He never ate a single one, though. Opening the fridge door, he realized there wasn’t any space left. Every inch of his fridge was filled with pints of strawberry ice cream.

It should be empty. The fridge should be empty. His breath came in short, ragged gasps. Aaron didn’t know when the tears started or how long he’d stayed knelt in front of the open fridge, only that Ania kicked it closed before sitting down on top of it.

“There isn’t enough strawberry ice cream in the world to fix her,” she said. She handed him a tissue box and waited for him to blow his nose.

“Then what will?’ he asked.

“That’s for you to figure out,” Ania said before unplugging the fridge. That was what Kevin said before he let go of Aaron entirely. With that, he left Aaron alone in the kitchen so he could lug Nicky up to his own room.

Aaron sat heavily in one of the dining room chairs, picking at the table mats. It was early the next morning when he finally decided what to do. Actually, he didn’t decide. He just kind of stood up and started for the stairs. He didn’t even remember taking a single step. One moment he was at the kitchen table, the next he was standing in front of Erin’s door. He reached a hand out, tracing the letters on the door. The memory hit Aaron like a train.

It had been a week after Erin had arrived in Columbia. Aaron’s name was already on the door and he had wanted to add hers to it too. Ever since he’d been old enough, Aaron had been working part-time just to keep himself and Tilda fed. In the months before Erin was set to come home, he’d picked up extra shifts to scrounge up the money he needed. With it, it went to the crafts store in the rich part of town. He picked out the four letters he needed and bought the highest quality paints he could find. On Friday, after practice, he’d broken into their mother’s liquor cabinet and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels. Downing a swig, he found the courage to present his haul to Erin. It took some coaxing but he managed to convince her to sit on the floor with him on a pile of newspapers. Together the two of them painted the wooden letters black. Once they were dry, Aaron watched as his sister painted constellations onto them.

“What’s that one?” he asked.

“Gemini,” she replied.

“Astrology,” Aaron said as he crinkled his nose in disgust. Erin glanced at him, her lips just barely curling up.

“Have you ever heard the story of Pollux and Castor?” she asked.

“No,” he replied.

“They were two brothers, twins, from Greek Mythology. They did everything together,” Erin said softly. “The two of them couldn’t live without each other. So, when Castor lay dying, Pollux called out to his father for help. Zeus saw his son’s pain and offered him a way to save his brother. Zeus offered Pollux the ability to share his immortality with his brother. Doing so would mean that neither of them could live normal lives again. They would no longer live here on Earth and they’d only have each other as company. Pollux agreed immediately. To him, his brother was more important than anything else in the world. So, Zeus turned the brothers into stars. Together, the two of them live side by side in the sky.”

“Wouldn’t you get lonely if you had only one person to talk to?” Aaron asked.

“Not if it was you,” Erin replied. With that, she picked up the letters and moved them to the desk beneath the window. The two of them climbed into their respective beds and fell asleep.

Aaron took a deep breath and knocked softly at his sister’s door. He stood there, his heart hammering in his chest. What if she didn’t answer? Aaron took a deep breath. He’d just try again later. Ania was right. What they’d done tonight had betrayed a great deal of Erin’s trust in them. If she didn’t answer, it was because he’d hurt her, just like he always did when he was sober. Aaron leaned his forehead against the door. “I’m sorry, Eri,” he whispered. Just then the door opened and Aaron toppled forward again. Erin neatly sidestepped his falling form but caught him with an outstretched arm. “Eri-” he began. He stopped short, realizing he didn’t know what to say.

Erin gave up waiting for him. She righted him and stepped back. Aaron took it as an invitation and entered her room. Aaron had never been inside his sister’s room. In the pale glow of the first rays of sunlight, he saw the dead roses suspended from her ceiling. A thousand photos covered the surface of the mirror. Upon closer inspection, he found that they were pictures of the Monsters. There was one of Nicky smiling brighter than the sun as Erik pressed a kiss to his cheek. There was one of Aaron shoving Matt, the two of them smiling. There was one of Wymack with his head resting on Abby’s shoulder. There was one of Bee dressed up as a bumblebee. There were a lot of photos of Ania. One of them had been kissed with black lipstick. Erin was the only Fox that owned black lipstick. As Aaron inspected them he was aware of Erin at his back.

“There aren’t any with us in it,” he said as he dragged his fingers over them.

“Yes, there is.” Erin wrapped her hand around his wrist and guided it to one all the way in the bottom corner. Its sides were crinkled from being taken out and replaced too many times. There was a fold down the center from when it was been folded in half, probably placed between the folds of a book.

It was a photo featuring a pair of babies. Both of them had wispy blonde hair, most of which had been tucked beneath a little beanie. They were dressed in matching white onesies patterned with little sharks. They were two perfect, identical little babies. Erin laced her fingers through Aaron’s and he suddenly saw it. The two babies were holding hands too. Eyes closed, unable to even see one another, they had taken hold of each other’s hands. Babies didn’t have much strength, but the two of them were clinging to one another like their lives depended on it.

“Eri-” he croaked.

“Yes or no?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said. Erin turned him to face her. She wrapped an arm around him and drew him close. Tentatively, he wrapped his own arms around her. “Erin?” he asked softly. She pulled back just enough to look at him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t better.”

“You were the best,” she said. “You still are.” For once, Erin’s eyes weren’t empty or angry. Instead, they were hard. Resolute. If anyone else had said it, Aaron wouldn’t have believed it. Erin wasn’t a liar. Every word she said, she meant.

“I can be better,” he offered. He watched as she worked her jaw, searching for what to say.

“I think I can be, too,” she said. Time seemed to stop. Aaron watched as the smallest of smiles tinged his sister’s lips. The rays of the rising sun filtered through Erin’s thick curtains, illuminating the fading freckles that danced across her face, forming constellations of their own. It turned her pale hair, bound in a messy bun atop her head, into a halo of pure gold. Erin might have been dressed as an angel last night, but she looked more like one now than she had then.

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