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warmau · 6 years

Note

Ooh can you do an au base of nct dreams' go mv?? Like them as rebellious teens or something like that?? It's fine if you're not comfortable with it, Still Thank You tho!!!

futuristic rebellious teens is something i can do!! (also all the people asking for bad boy!dreamies,,,,this is the closest i can give you LOL)

Mark

leader of the “lost boys”, which is what the group of teenagers call themselves

basically, they’re runaways that are anti-government and since they dont have anyone like parents or authorities to answer to - the job of protecting everyone fell onto the oldest

and,,,,as much as mark doesnt look the toughest or the scariest out of all of them in a long run - he is the most stable

with a natural knack for getting everyone out of sticky situations

and he’s no hacker like jaemin or salesman like haechan - he is the person everyone turns to for big decisions

like when they almost lost renjun in a street fight with some other teens,,,or when he was alerted that jisung was caught stealing and needed to somehow get bailed out

mark, unlike any of the other members of lost boys, started off with a pretty normal teenhood

but after the world started focusing less on humans and more on tech and money

he couldnt take it and promised he’d do something to help the world realize that being plugged in all the time was no way to live

he’s got “lost boys” tattooed on the inside of his wrist and even if he doesnt say it outloud - he’d gladly give himself up to save any of his other members

you’re kind of a rouge runaway - you don’t belong to a street group or anything like the “lost boys”

but you too aren’t exactly fond of authority - made obvious by the way you stand out

in a flood of other teens all dressed in their prim school uniforms or boring, copy and paste outfits for going out

you’ve got rips on your worn out jacket and your nose is stuck in a book rather than your phone

mark notices you right away - there’s empty seats on either side of you on the train

and everyone else keeps glancing suspicious looks your way that you don’t even bat an eyelash too

“what a delinquent” “probably dropped out of school” “id never want to end up like that!”

are comments being thrown around - but you dont flinch

mark, on the otherhand, cant stand to hear it anymore

he makes his way through the crowded train and sits down beside you

without even looking up you mumble “don’t pity me. i know what they’re saying.”

mark is shocked at how easily you’ve seen right through his intentions,,,,but he doesnt get up

instead he tilts his head down to read the title of the book in your hand and smiles

“i remember that book when i was back in canada”

this sparks your interest, you move your gaze toward his and mark notices the pretty color of your eyes

“canada? how is it there?”

mark shrugs “i havent been back in a while.”

you shut your book, resting it on your lap

mark wonders if the bag with you is full of more books - you look like the type to carry pen and paper in a world where everything is digitalized

but that’s not bad,,,,mark likes that

“do you like reading? and not on your phone, i mean books.”

mark flushes a little in response, “i do but - ever since all the bookstores closed i havent really, you know,,,,been able to find any”

as he guessed, you fish another book out of the bag with you and plop it in his hands

somewhere in the train people have started whispering “oh now there’s two of them? two troublemakers up to no good!”

but you and mark both ignore them

“i dont know if you like historical fiction, but its all i have to give you now.”

mark touches the book, it’s been a long time since he’s held one. the last time he was in school, the textbooks had been chucked out for ipads

“ill be sure to return it to you.”

you see the tattoo on mark’s hand and think ‘lost boys? ive seen that name around before’

the next stop is mark’s,,,,,but when he asks you where you’re going

you shrug and motion vaguely “i dont really go anywhere. i just,,,,,,,float around kinda,,,,,,”

the train begins to slow as it pulls into the station and just as the doors open, mark takes a hold of your wrist

he tugs you up and you stumble as he pulls you out of the train

“well then, why don’t you come with me.”

you stand and the wind from the train leaving blows you and marks hair everywhere

you both laugh

the only two people in the whole station that are looking at one and other and not at their phones

and you nod

“ok, ill follow you for now.”

you say and mark lets his hand shyly slip from your wrist and into your palm, squeezing as he holds it warmly

Haechan

he’s nicknamed “the salesman” by the rest of the lost boys

due to his ability to appeal to anyone and everything

in a world where everyone has access to the highest forms of technology

to flying cars, personal androids, hologram phones

haechans charm is a skill both forgotten by most, but also when he turns it on he could sell someone a flip phone from the 00′s and make it look like its better than the current iphone52

for their group, haechan uses his skills mostly to buy from the black market

the group doesnt have a real means of making money - but jaemin’s hacking ability, renjun’s capability with his hands, and chenle’s agility and fighting skills - can be sold for the right jobs

and in many situations haechan has to figure out how to trade those talents for daily necceassities

although there are a couple of cafes with workers who are just,,,,,quite smitten with haechan’s adorable face,,,,that every now and then he can score some free good on the sides

but what really matters is when the group needs something like medicine

or tech that has otherwise been banned by the government

haechan is the one to get it

your father was an avid collector of old gaming systems, and after he went missing you inherited the boxes and boxes of all this old wiring and consoloes

and that’s how you got into selling it on the black market - after learning that a lot of it had been banned

so ,,, as a seller ,, you knew haechan

he didn’t have a bad reputation or anything - but he was different

for one thing, he had the words ‘lost boy’ tattooed below his ear and out of the usual customers on this market

he was pretty young,,,,,,,,and pretty different

you’d heard he was even friends with a renowned hacker and a teenager who was skilled in martial arts

both things that you just,,,,didn’t expect from the normal person

and although you’d never done business with him - you were surprised one afternoon to see him show up at your front door

your apartment,,,,,was covered in boxes from your fathers storage

haechan looked around, picking up this and that till he finally stumbled across some part of a system and went

“this is what jaemin wants, are you selling it?”

you nod, “everything has a price.”

haechan grins, “i like the way you talk. so - how much?”

you name the amount and haechan’s grin falters

“and you’re not interested in,,,,,,anything but money? i know a guy who could hack into just about anything?”

you shake your head, “i dont need a hacker, i need to feed myself.”

haechan shrugs, “fair enough.”

he takes out a holographic card, the blue flashing screen lights up and the currency transfers from his name to yours

you thank him and haechan looks around a little more till he heads for the door

“by the way, do you live by yourself?”

you look down, your fathers disappearance has left you abandoned but you don’t really like to talk about it

the look on your face gives haechan enough of an answer

“you should come work with me, you have so much material and im assuming you’re good with tech too?”

you fidget, you’ve never really been one to be social

so being invited to ,,,, work with someone,,,,,especially haechan - you don’t know what to say

but suddenly you feel a warm hand on your shoulder and you look up to see haechan smiling

“c’mon, im not trying to bribe you or anything - but i think you’d be better off with us then all alone!”

you freeze a little,,,,,but haechan’s touch is warm

and his eyes are pouring into yours in a way that,,,you’ve never experienced before

“a,,are you only asking me to join because you want all of my dads stuff?”

haechan sighs, “you know - if it was anyone else in the world, id probably say yes. but it’s you and,,,,,,,,i like you,,,,,so no. im asking you to joing because you’re you.”

“yo-you like me?!?”

haechan grins, “i do, and as much as i like to think my charm works on people - you’ve successfully ignored me for a while until now.”

you furrow your eyebrows

“ignored?”

haechan starts counting on his fingers “there was that time i saw you with that other tech seller and i said hi and you just looked past me, ive also complimented your skills in tech before but you didn’t even look up at me and then-”

you put your hand over haechans to make him stop and to your surprise he interlocks your fingers

“so, will you join?”

you look around,,,,your home is nothing but a storage unit full of wires and memories of a painful past

and haechan is standing in the middle of it all like a beckon of light

so instead of pulling your hand away you nod, and let haechan pull you out into the bright world

Jeno

the tagger of the group

has always had an affinity for art, he’s actually the one who designed the lost boy tattooes

his is in a loop around his ankle bone

and even though the future has shifted its focus from man-made art to digitally created sculptre’s and paintings

jeno enjoys working with his hands

and some of his work is graffiti

mostly because the lost boys are rebels - and they cant just always be silently lurking in the shadows

so every now and then jeno has a “tagging project”

where he makes the lost boys known through graffiti and sometimes it’s more than just the name of the group

it’s art,,,,,,it’s whatever jeno believes encompasses the values of the ‘lost boys’

you’ve always admired taggers,,,,,

you come from the upperclass - the people who embraced technological advancement and threw away all the hand painted, man made art that was passed down through generations

as a kid you remembered hearing the names of famous artists,,,,but as you got older

all you saw was digital art

no one talked about the movements, about modernism - impresionists

no one wanted to study the old art of egypt, of greece, of china

when one of your parents found you sketching to yourself on the terrace, they’d ripped the paper violently out of your hands

and replaced it with a tablet

“just tell it what you want to draw and it’ll do it for you”

you hated it, and whenever you saw tagged art out on the street - knowing it was drawn by someone

by someone real, not some system built into a computer - it made you so happy

so to your amazement, you couldnt believe that you were seeing a tagger

when you stumbled upon jeno, hunched near a back alley wall - finishing up his new art for the lost boys

“i know you!”

you couldnt help to blurt out, jeno turning to you - ready to dash for it

but instead of the police he saw you, wide eyed and staring right at his art

with a look that jeno,,,,had never really seen before

is that,,,,admiration?

you broke his thought as you stepped closer, touching the wall and jumping a bit

the paint was still wet and the tips of your fingers had turned red where you’d touched it

“im so sorry, i didn’t me-”

jeno smiles - he’s probably the least intimidating of the lost boys and he’s been told that his smile has some kind of power over people

instantly your nervousness calms and jeno hands you his brush

“you can just paint it over for me”

he suggests and when you touch the brush, a rush of electricity runs up your hand

it’s been so long since you’ve held a brush - let alone painted something by yourself

and jeno is watching you, careful and steady and realizes that like him

you’re a born artist

he lets you stay around to help him finish, even when the dark of night starts breaking into the morning

jeno steps back to admire your work and you notice that he isn’t wearing the usual clothes that you see around

from his ears dangle pretty jewelry that look as if they’re made from metal lying and simple things like paperclips or nails

he’s grinning and you see the way his jacket falls off his shoulders

for a moment you think isn’t it possible that people can be art too?

when jeno turns to you he goes “you can’t tell anyone about this though, tagging is supposed to be anonymous,,,,”

jeno explains and you nod, slowly but then point out “but i always know your art from everyone elses. it’s distinct and unique,,,”

the flattery makes jeno’s heart skip

but before he can say much the familiar sound of sirens pull up down the street and jeno has to grab you and run so you two can get away without being seen

and when you both stop- pressed up together in another tight little alley you feel jeno’s heartbeat against your arm

it’s fast - probably from the running - but also probably from how close you two are ,,,,,,,,

“hey, if you want to do more art with my sometime,,,,ill be around. they’ll probably erase our tag by tomorrow so -”

you pull away from him when the coast is clear, but nod excitedly

you pull out your holographic card, a small hologram that looks like you pops up and you tell it to transfer your data to jeno’s

he shyly waves you off and when you’re gone he pulls out his own holographic card

your hologram pops up again and jeno thinks the same thing you were a while ago

people,,,really can be art too,,,,

Jaemin

a hacker

was supposed to actually work for the government as an intern engineer but ,,,, he decided to drop out of his prestigious high school and start well

hacking the government instead of protecting it

he got into the lost boys when he met mark at a cafe - he thought mark was interesting

so naturally, he hacked into his holographic card only to understand that mark,,,,

really was hiding everything about himself quite well

so - after meeting with him (and apologizing for hacking him) jaemin joined

got his lost boy tattoo on the side of his finger

he mainly hacks into large scale programs of the government that deal with citizen information

basically the government monitors people through the holograph card everyone carries around - and through their smartphones if they still have one

the lost boys believe that the government shouldnt have access to private info of people - because they exploit it

so jaemin’s whole task is to figure out how to shut down the whole system

of course,,,,that’s not going to happen in one sitting - he has to hack thousands of smaller networks

and gain information on governmental workers

and all without being traced so,,,,as usual he’s inside most of the time on the computer

he gets parts that haechan “buys” from people or that mark somehow manages to come by or that renjun builds

when the group needs extra funds he also sells his hacking ability under an alias on the black market

you are a well known hacker in the market as well - you and jaemi are probably the most sought out in the field

the only problem is ,,, you’ll do ANY job - even if it means working undercover for the government

and jaemin disproves of that - so whenever you guys have contact he’s always like “you could do much better with your talents” and you’re like “im trying to put food on the table i dont care what my talents are used for”

and jaemin just,,,,cant get over your whole ‘i survive only for myself’ mentality

it bothers him - he feels like there’s more to you,,,,that he just doesnt know

so one day - he decides he’s going to hack you

and he knows he should feel guilty because hacking you is,,,,basically just doing what the government is already doing to others

but he’s just scared - what if something,,,,something bad is happening to you to make you this way

but of course - as soon as he attempts it

a billion firewalls pop up and his holographic card suddenly starts malfunctioning

and suddenly there’s a message on his screen

and he doesnt even have to open it to know that your hologram is going to pop up and be like “jaemin. why are you hacking me?”

he freezes, “how do you know my name?”

you huff, “it wasn’t easy to guess. plus haechan has a big mouth. so,,,,why the sudden interest in my life?”

jaemin looks down, his dark eyes hovering over his keyboard until your hologram eggs him on to speak

“i just,,,i just wanted to know if everything is ok- recently ive heard you’ve been working with officials and i,,,,are you really ok with it for the money??”

it’s quiet on your end and jaemin waits until your hologram goes fuzzy - and then offline

and jaemin grabs at his holographic card, shaking it to see whats going on when another message appears

it’s an address

when jaemin arrives, you’re already there with a backpack over your shoulder

jaemin stares at it and then at you

“what’s in there?”

“information.”

jaemin stares at it - then back at you

your face is half hidden by a facemask, you don’t make direct eye contact but jaemin can see

that you’ve got pretty features - that for some reason you’re trying to hide from him

he touches his own face, completely exposed to you and takes the backpack when you extend it

“don’t tell me you’re giving me the files the officials sent over to you-”

you shrug and jaemin can tell you’re smiling under the mask

“so you are a good person afterall,,,” he starts

and you look away,,,,suddenly your face is hot under the damn mask

when you and jaemin part ways

jaemin is sure of whats in the bag - and when he gets back home all the lost boys crowd around him

and walla - all the files from the officials are in there

before he sits down to get to reading through some, jaemin finds a note stuck to one of the files

‘don’t try to hack me again. next time, just ask me out like a normal person’

jaemin blushes,,,,but picks up his holograph card - maybe you’ll be free on a weekend or something

Renjun

his nicknames the “builder”

he just,,,,really likes making things - and he can fix things as well

built a bike for haechan out of scrap garbage

fixes jaemin’s motherboards on the daily

chenle had asked for a staff to practice some martial arts with and it took renjun like two hours only to make it perfectly

he seems to just have the ability to touch something and understand how it works

but,,,like any lost boy,,, he doesnt exactly want to be building things and selling them for profit just to be used to hurt others

his lost boy tattoo is on the back of his neck

he really only talks to the lost boys - he doesnt really like making conversation with others

because he has a fear of,,,saying something and getting everyone else in trouble

but with his group he can definitely be a little ,,, sassy

“stop breaking things and making me fix them, and if you dont - learn to fix them yourself.”

“but renjun i cant fix-”

“but renjun is now gonna take a nap, goodnight!”

haechan is known for being the sociable one,,,,so he’s always the one going out getting everyone odd jobs or food

but one afternoon he asks renjun to go pick up some food from this cafe where one of the workers knows haechan

at first renjun refuses, he wants to stay home and tinker with these new electronics mark just brought to him

but it’s haechan - and even renjun cant lose an argument with him

so renjun ends up outside of this cafe after closing

where he meets you - he comes out of the back carrying a couple of brown bags full of extra food

and when renjun sees you - it’s like time stops

it’s been a while since renjun has looked at anyone and you - you look like,,,,,,,,,an angel

you bring the bags out and sigh sadly, “not a lot this time,,,,the owner is sort of one to me”

you say and hand them to renjun who almost drops them out of pure shock

“are you ok?”

you ask, helping him steady himself as you tuck your hair back and stare

renjun nods slowly

“by the way - who are you, haechan said that ‘the builder’ was going to come. is that you?”

again, all renjun can do is nod

you nod too “what do you build?”

“a-anything.”

your eyes go wide and renjun is taken by the color of them

“anything?! woah - that’s amazing!”

renjun can feel the weight of the bags - but once you say that it’s like they disappear and all he can feel and hear is your voice

“id love to see your creations sometime -”

you start, but a voice from inside calls you back in

you wave and renjun doesnt even have the strength to say anything back as he watch - like slow motion - you disappear inside

a couple of days pass and renjun feels like he cant build ANYTHING

until,,,finally he starts a little something

and finds himself waiting outside the cafe one night as you come out with your bag over your shoulder

your holographic card in your hand, showing you the weather and what not

till you look up and rush over to renjun

“oh - the builder! what’s up?”

renjun pulls something out of his pocket and sets it in your hand

you open it and ,,, out of metal wiring and whatnot is a butterfly

whose wings buzz slightly when you touch it and you look back up at renjun

“did you make this?”

“for you.”

renjun finally speaks and you flush, looking at it and grinning

“you really can build anything, this is so cute!”

renjun blinks and doesnt really know what to say until natrually he just goes

“you’re cuter”

you both get slightly embarrassed, but you tuck the butterfly safely into your bag and reach out for renjun’s hand

he lets you take it and doesnt even question where you’re going to take him

even this silhouette our back is beautiful

he could look at it forever

Chenle

he doesn’t have a real nickname,,,,but he’s kind of the brawn of the group

and believe me,,,,everyone looked at him on his first day and was like “you can fight? but you,,,,,you’re so skinny”

and chenle was like, try to land a punch on me then

no one could

and rather then strength, chenle has honed the ability of agility and stealth

and when needed - he’s a great person to be a bodyguard or protector

because no one suspects him coming

other than his fighting ability though,,,,he can be scatter headed and has numerous times found himself lost in the city

having to call haechan or mark to get him

he has also done dumb things like tripped over alley cats or gotten himself accidentally bruised when he walked into a pole because he was too focused on this good looking cake in a store window

but that aside - chenle really is capable of some amazing things

his lost boy tattoo is on the part right below his ribcage

chenle also sometimes has a habit of sticking his nose into unsolicited business

so when you find yourself cornered - a group of other street teens are trying to get you to give over your holographic card so they can sell it

well

chenle can’t just walk by

and ,,, although he does have the element of surprise there’s like five of these teens

and you know chenle is in trouble when he’s on the ground with a little bit of blood coming out of his nose

so you just toss your holographic card toward one of them and tell them to back off of him

happy with getting what they want, they leave you and chenle alone

you scramble over, checking his face here and there and panicking because

you cant take him to a hospital - you’re both street teens

and you dont have anything on you to stop the bleeding

so all you can do is kind of hold your hand over chenle’s nose and tell him to tilt his head so it stops

and when he’s all good - just bruising and not bleeding

he looks at you and sheepishly goes

“,,,,,sorry you had to give up your holograph card”

you shrug “nothing important on it anyway.”

chenle looks at you, his clear skin riddled in red bruises and tiny cuts

and he feels bad just,,,,leaving you

after he tried to help but just ended up making things worse

so he invites you to come with him

you, of course, say no. you’re not going to join some stranger

even if this stranger is cute

and did try to help you

but chenle just rolls up his shirt (much to your shock - your hands go right up to your face to hide your eyes)

to show off the lost boys tattoo

and you’re like wait,,,i know that tattoo - you guys are that group against the government

and chenle is like yep! if you want, you can join us - i mean anyone who throws their holograph card away like that must not really like what the government is doing huh

and you shrug, you don’t care either way but ,,,the idea of belonging to a group instead of being all alone

is kind of nice

plus chenle ,,,, doesnt seem all that bad

and when you guys show up together jaemin is like whose this and haechan is quick to question you

but chenle explains what happens and mark, ever the nice boy, lets you stay

out of curiosity, jisung comes over to talk to you and chenle shoos him away

“they’re with me”

jisung raises an eyebrow “aren’t they part of our group - so they’re with everyone?”

you blink confused, missing the spark in chenle’s eyes and the whisepred

“that’s not how i meant it jisung, now go away!”

jisung gets the message and scurries off, but you’re still ? until chenle is like OW geez this bloody nose hurts if only i could lay my head on someones lap,,,

you: you can lay your head on m-

chenle: thank you.

the camera zooming in on haechan: corny

Jisung

the youngest and the ‘wild card’ of the group

mark had forbid him from getting the lost boys tattoo because he’s a kid but jisung still managed to get it

mark was mad but jeno pointed out that hey, unless it didn’t get infected or anything like that

his tattoo is right above his elbow

he’s a wild card because no one in the group really knows if jisung understands what the lost boy cause is

or if he just likes getting into it with other street groups and causing a ruckus

out of everyone he likes piercings the best - knows a guy named ten in town who does them on the low

since society has kind of forbid people from having anything but their ears pierced

jisung looks wild with his hair a mess and his nose pierced

(again - the piercing did almost give mark a heartattack but jeno was again like at least it’s not his tongue right?)

(jisung definitely plans to get his tongue pierced though)

you’ve seen jisung around - he likes to cause trouble

alone or with his group

you see him a lot when you’re on your way to class, he likes to hang out with the tagger jeno

or sometimes you just see him trying to badmouth off to adults who tell him he looks ‘scary’

you try to ignore it - you don’t want to meddle with anything or anyone that could get you in trouble

but,,,,,jisung thinks you’re interesting

sometimes he’ll just end up walking beside you, leaning over to play with a strand of your hair

offers to carry your books which you just snatch away

he once asked you if you’d ever want to go see him get another piercing and you made a face

that you thought meant disgust - but which jisung called “just adorable”

and no matter how much you say he’s not your type

he’s the opposite of it

there is something magnetic about him

he’s nothing like other boys around

and the one time some other dude had tried to come onto you in the street - jisung had showed up and made no big deal out of getting into the dudes face and telling him to

“get his dirty hands right off them”

you tried to act unimpressed,,,,but you were thankful and even let jisung keep his arm around you

the problem was,,,,you think after that,,,,you’ve actually fallen for jisung

so when he doesnt show up on your walk to class one day you start panicking

and you go around - asking if anyone’s seen him

everyone asks why in the world you’re worried about a kid like him and you try to make excuses

until you leave a shop and bump right into jisung

who gives you a smile and flicks your forehead lightly and goes

“heard you were all worried about me, does that mean someone is in love?”

you huff and brush past him

“i just wanted to make sure you didn’t get yourself killed -”

jisung pulls you around a corner and you look around with paranoia that someone might see

but jisung just makes you look back at him and before you know it he’s kissing you

and you squirm and he pulls back and goes “don’t like it?”

and you just cant hide the look on your face so you go

“it’s fine - but do it somewhere private i dont want the whole world to see!”

“what, that you’re kissing a lost boy? a dirty street kid?”

you push at him gently, but jisung abides by your wish and pulls you somewhere quieter where he kisses you again - softly

and you think fine whatever so you do like him and he is a good kisser

and as long as no one finds out,,,it should be alright,,,,,,maybe?!?

jisung that day coming back home with a big goofy smile on his face, jaemin just turns around and is like

“i hacked your holograph - says you kissed your crush today.”

jisung: “sTOP haCKING MY LIFE,,,,but yeah i kissed them and jaemin. i think im in love”

haechan: oh no an idiot in love the world better watch out jkjk

873 notes · View notes

iseutz · 7 years

Text

Chapter One

The girls all thought that Julian Devorak was a loonie, but also that he was really handsome. That was the exact word; not hot, dreamy or sexy: handsome. He appeared to have the strongest bad boy charm, with his leather boots and auburn hair, and –apparently- a smile so sweet you would have sold your mama to buy him smokes. Despite his glamour, tho, I never met a girl who actually had any first-hand experience of the boy: he was too much, they said, with his coat that looked like a cloak and that pirate eyepatch. The kid tried too hard. And he was a junkie, everybody knew that.

I knew for a fact that he wasn’t, because my best friend was his sister Portia and thanks to her I had a much less romanticized image of him: it’s hard to find intriguing someone when you hear him constantly being referred to as “Dummy” and “Banana boy”. Quite surprisingly, though, I had never seen him. I wasn’t a “going out” girl (we lived too far from the city center) and he was bigger than us, went to med school and wasn’t simply around the time that I was. When I met him, anyway, he managed to make the whole thing unforgettable.

I was fifteen, almost sixteen and in full high school flow: I started my first year as a quiet wallflower, just like I spent the whole secondary school, to avoid bullies. I gave off extraordinary punching ball vibes and the last three years had been nothing short of atrocious, so I was prepared to keep the lowest profile possible at Vesuvia High. But then, something happened; or rather it didn’t: kids acted normally with me. Even the bunch that came from my old school, once in the bigger pond became neutral to me. Everybody was too nervous for the new environment, too eager to get into its game, to care about me. And I cautiously raised my head and started too look around. I allowed myself a personality and, even though I never became popular I escaped the “nerd” label for this time (and I’m talking about the late ‘90s, when nerd wasn’t really in). That’s when I met Portia, in literature class; she was, bluntly speaking, the sole properly alphabetized person in the class, and she enjoyed books, too: we bonded over a copy of Of Love and Other Demons and by the end of the hour we were pretty sure to be soulmates. I spent a lot of afternoon at her place, with the excuse to study, watching videos on Mtv. They still had music videos… good days. In all this, I never ran into Julian; there had been signs of his presence, of course- a door closing when I arrived, music playing from his room, a lot of bands t-shirts drying on the rack in the bathroom, but all in all in all he looked like a guy who liked to guard his personal space, and he kept religiously away from our girl time.

When I finally met him, I was into band t-shirts myself: I was well halfway my second year, and the times were ripe for me to dive headfirst into my rebellious phase: I wore a lot of black kajal, black clothes and leather cuffs, and I tried with every mean to look different and mysterious. It wasn’t a bold choice: grunge was still all the rage and a lot of girls wore torn pants and Dr Martens. I tried to look more on the gothic/punk side, but back then spiked collars and velvet dresses were harder to find than you think, and I didn’t have a lot of money. In the pictures from those years I look decently ridiculous, but I was sixteen and those clothes were my armor.

The t-shirt I was wearing that night sported a full-body Marilyn Manson wearing a guepière and a collection of bleeding cuts. My mother hated it with a passion, and I hadn’t permission to wear it at school, but this evening it boldly adorned my otherwise scrawny chest while me and Portia lounged on the velvet sofa of her living room, listlessly zapping from channel to channel. It had been pouring for hours and I was cringing at the thought of the half-an-hour-by-bike that awaited me on my way home; I had been pushing the thought away hour after hour, delving in a long and detailed discussion concerning the Guns ‘n Roses members and their most probable bedding habits: Portia had a thing for Duff McKagan and the unwritten rule of our friendship was to always enable the other part’s fantasies, especially those about rockstars or fiction characters; we could happily spend hours sorting all the characters from The Lost Boys from best to worst musicians. Today we’d call it headcanoning.

7 PM and I had no more excuses. I sat up, every inch of my body dripping reluctance “Well, I have to go”.

-But it’s raining cats and dogs- Portia looked up from her mandala coloring book. Man, were we into that shit. -I know, but I have to be home for dinner. I wouldn’t say no to a little flu… maybe I can skip math test tomorrow. -Are you sure?- Portia followed me into the doorway. I smelled the dinner that Mazelinka had already started cooking. Mazelinka was a family friend; Portia called her “aunt”, but she wasn’t a relative, just a friend from Granma Devorak, and when the kids had moved to the city they had come to live with her. Portia and Julian came from Nevivon, and it was common that young people were sent from their families to Vesuvia to attend high school or college. Hopes on education as a gateway for a better future appeared well founded, back then.

Judging from the smell, it was some sort of goulash; I’ve never seen Mazelinka cook anything that wasn’t floating in a pond of soup, but all of her creations were delicious.

-Selendri! Are you staying for dinner?- She shouted at me from the kitchen.

-No, thank you Mazelinka, but I have have to be home for dinner and I have to leave now with the bike.

-Nonsense! It’s raining. Ilya will drive you. ILYAAAAAAAA!- she shouted without awaiting for my answer.

-But… my bike…- I weekly objected while Mazelinka shouted instructions over my voice. An unintelligible grumble came from the other end of the doorway.

-I will bring it to you tomorrow at school- smiled Portia. She walked to school, so it wasn’t a big deal to her. Oh well, my father would have driven me for one day. I moved towards the coat hanger to get my jacket, testing the wall with my hand to find the light switch. When I turned it on, Julian was standing by the coat hanger, froze in a hunched position while he was putting on his cloak, blinking like an owl in the sudden brightness.

He was as tall as the hanger, probably taller, with a wild tuft of hair falling on his right eye. He was wearing his black eyepatch and a pair of bright red tartan pants and home slippers still on. Sid Vicious in soft pants. I smiled awkwardly covering the distance between us. While I played with enthusiasm the role of the entertainer amongst my handful of friends I was still extremely uneased meeting someone for the first time, and spending the long trip home with my best friend’s ill-reputed brother was going to be demanding on me. However, I was also curious of such a subject, and I did want to make a good impression.

He gave me half a smile in response, hopping on a foot as he was putting on one boot. We spent some time in silence as he tied a couple of yards of shoelace up to his calves, then we moved to the kitchen to wave our last goodbyes.

-You never met Ilya before, did you?- asked Mazelinka, pointing at him with a wooden spoon. –Don’t let him scare you just because he’s in a pirate phase.

-See you later, Mazelinka- Julian talked over, and he turned to open the main door. I hurried after him as he went down the outer stairs. Mazelinka’s house was a two-story old house; the proper apartment was at the first floor, while the ground floor was a single room full of tables, old chairs and sofas and an even older kitchen counter covered in mason jars. Mazelinka spent all of her time there, making jam and possibly liquor and going upstairs only to cook and sleep. The house had a private garden-slash-parking lot, I really don’t know how to describe it: there were flower bushes and fruit trees, but it was mainly gravel and the only car of the family – Julian’s car – slept there. It was an old Volvo, the kind with pop-up headlamps, predictably black. We got inside as quickly as possible.

-When she says pirate phase- Julian said abruptly. –She means that I don’t want to wear my prosthetic eye.

I said nothing; it was a debut too personal and couldn’t find a word to say. Julian continued, unfazed by my silence.

-It’s not even correct: I am wearing my prosthetic, even now. I don’t like how it feels without it. But it doesn’t move… well, it does, but it’s never really in sync with the other eye, and it looks weird. I prefer to wear the eyepatch, and if that makes me a pirate, then so be it – he turned to look at me. – I’m telling you because I know what people say and… well, now you know it’s not an act. Spread the word, ok?

-Ok… uhm, wanna know my address?

-It might be useful, thanks.

I explained him how to reach my condo while he fumbled with the CD player and turned on some music. I didn’t know the song, but the singer’s voice sounded familiar, so I ventured a guess:

-Nine Inch Nails?

-Oooh- he grinned. –Glad to know that you’re into some actual music.

-Got a problem with Mr. Manson? – I was ready to fight whoever dissed my beloved reverend. I had a serious crush on the man; I’ve always had a soft spot for lanky guys with big noses.

-Mmmmh. The music itself is not that bad, but he’s… too loud. Too much make up, too much provocative shit. I just don’t buy it.

-Many good artists have flashy looks. Think about Kiss.

-Hah!- a raucous bark of a laughter. – You like Kiss? How old are you?!?

-I’m old enough to appreciate good music, thank you very much. And what about Bowie?

-Are you seriously comparing Marilyn Manson to David Bowie?

He had a point. –No, I guess I’m not.

-You’re forgiven. Want a cigarette?- he fished a packet from the pocket of his coat, squirming in the car seat to get it. He was really, really tall. His legs looked never ending.

-They would smell it at home- I replied unhappily.

-Don’t worry, I have gums. Mazelinka never found out I smoke. Or perhaps she doesn’t care. Here – he moved the packet in my direction and I helped myself. He also tried to light it up for me, but I was sitting on his blind side, so I had to steady his hand in mine to complete the task without accidents. He didn’t seem to notice; his attention was elsewhere.

-Do you hear it too?- He asked.

-Hear what?

-A rattling noise… it comes from your side of the car.

Sure enough, something was rattling and tumbling and it came from under my seat.

-There must be something underneath…- I reached my arm and felt around with my hand. – It’s a beer can. A full one- I announced pulling it out.

-Marvellous! This is a gift from above and we must honor it- his hand extended in my direction and I put the can into his grasp before he grabbed something else by mistake. He opened it with a hand, keeping it beneath his thighs, and took a long gulp.

-Wow- I giggled nervously. –Smoking, drinking and driving in the rain. You like to live dangerously.

He looked at me for a long moment, his expression unreadable.

-You’re right – he said, and for a while he just drove in silence. I busied myself feeling stupid and childish until he steered the wheel unexpectedly, entering a small parking lot.

-What are you doing?

-I refrain from putting our lives in danger – before I could find something to say, he had parked, reclined his seat and eased himself with an arm under his head and the beer in his hand. The glint of his cigarette danced in the halflight as he happily sighed:

-That’s life. God, I love simple things.

Well, here it is: first chapter of my 90′s nostalgic Modern AU. Nothing really happens in this chapter, but that’s an introcution, for you. You still get to meet Ilya, tho. I couldn’t find a title, so suggestions - as well as feedback- are welcomed!

#fan fiction #fan fic #modern au #the arcana #the arcana game #@thearcanagame #julian devorak #portia devorak #mazelinka #oc apprentice #selendri

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speckeh · 7 years

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2017 Book List

BACK AT IT AGAIN. JUMP IN THE CAR!!! I’M STILL READING A SHIT TON OF BOOKS!!!!

1. How It Works: The Cat. 2.5/5 stars. I read this at a book store in Bergen because my brother laughed while he read it. I picked it up and it was ok?? I don’t understand why people who write about cats always, ALWAYS talk about how much of an asshole they are and how they don’t truly love you. And I just sit there like, have you ever owned a fucking cat??? Some parts of the book was super cute but I hate the trope that cats are “assholes.” yeah they’re dicks sometimes. But they’re not assholes 24/7 unless you’re an asshole to your cat.

2. The Greenest Island. 3.5/5 stars. This is another small book that I’ve been meaning to read for a couple of months now. It was pretty interesting and like Mrs. Dalloway I read last year, I’m not sure if I want to sell it or keep it. It’s beautifully written, the story is strong, but some of the characterization is just sort of annoying. Like I get that it’s a very real sensation and issue a young couple who get pregnant WAY TOO SOON without knowing each other. But only a man would think of something so drastic as the end in reference to raising a child.

3. Letters for Lucardo: 5/5 stars. I saw this comic advertised early in 2016 and I’ve been watching the project closely. I help funding the gofundme and I bought a download and a signed copy of the physical book. The story about a 60 year old man falling in love with a Vampire stuck at the age of 36 was SO INTRIGUING plus the artist had a webcomic which I absolutely adored so I knew not only would the art be excellent but the storyline would be solid. This is one of four volumes and I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED. The story line was so cute, the art was beautiful, the smut was *mwah* beautiful. But the best part was that it left me wanting for me and I can’t WAIT until the next three volumes are here. Support your local tumblr artist and enjoy some gay vampire storylines with well drawn wrinkly aging men. 10/10, 100/100 please read and enjoy.

4. A Special Study Set of Fine Art Reproductions. 4/5 stars. A little black spiral bound book of black and white copies of famous art works. It’s cute, it’s a good bite sized art book to get the gist of Western Art history. I knocked it down because the art pieces are in black and grey when I know for a FACT some art pieces are in color. So that was a bummer. But overall a nice rendition of some of the classics.

5. Alphonse Mucha: Masterworks. 5/5 stars. I bought this book probably 2 years ago? I’m in a reading funk right now and flipping through art books seems pretty doable. This book is chalked full of history of Mucha while I will read later. But the art quality is excellent, the sizes are big enough to view with pleasure. This is a excellent excellent book full of his art work. I love it. It makes me feel better for the fact I’ve only been drawing girls for the last year because I love drawing delicate features and strong women. If Mucha can just draws women for most of his career, I don’t have to feel guilty in only drawing women for a year.

6. Assassin’s Creed: A Visual History. 5/5 stars. Ok I’m going to repeat this over and over again. But I’m such a fan of the AC series, even if the latest editions have been a u t t e r let down. But I have to admit flipping through this book I got emotional. AC was such a fun series for me when I started and it helped me through a manic depression I had after a very serious illness almost 3 years ago. I don’t pretend the history is accurate or the plot lines are all there, but they means so much to me. As a history lover to the point I’m getting a Minor in college in history. I’ll always enjoy my AC games, no matter how cringe worthy and disappointing some of them end up becoming. Shout out to my boys (and girls) of the assassin creed order. <3

7. The Art of Howl’s Moving Castle: 5/5 stars. I’ve had this book for a long time, when my childhood best friend and I would hang out nearly every day and sleep overs every weekend. She gave me this book a few months after I watched Howl’s Moving Castle because I was so enchanted by the movie. Howl’s Moving Castle is a favorite movie, book, and soundtrack. This art concept book is beautiful, it’s like a novelization of the movie without any dialogue. The back is the FULL script, there’s concept art, and fully fledged art story boards. If you’re a big fan of Howl’s Moving Castle, this is a great book to have in your library.

8. Tango! The Dance, The Song, The Story. 5/5 stars. My father lived in Argentina for awhile so he would make dishes growing up of delicious food. I love the tango, it’s so beautiful and down right seductive. So of course finding this book for 4 dollars I had to have it. It has photography, drawings, posters, female tango singers, the history of the tango. It’s chalked full of excellent information and it’s really enjoyable to flip through.

9. Why Cats Paint: A Theory of Feline Aesthetics. 5/5 stars. I bought this book for my birthday last year because it was absolutely silly. It features “Cat Artists” and their aesthetics and their art pieces. Warning there are mummified cats in the beginning of the book which can be upsetting. This book is really goofy and the people who write it are serious but in a fun way? It’s a great book to read like today when I’m stuck in the house because of bad weather and having my own two cats it makes me curious to see if I could make my kiddos paint like those kitties in the book.

10. Life: The Classic Collection. 5/5 stars. A decent sized photography book of the most recognizable Life photographs. Not to forget there are 25 extra prints available for you in the book you can take out and frame. I love editorial photography and seeing the most iconic photos throughout the century. Idk man if you like photography and Life Magazine this is a great book to have.

11. Fashion: A History from the 18th to the 20th century. 5/5 stars. Beautiful book. Beautiful clothes.

12. The Pharos Gate. 4.5/5 stars. I saw this book at Barnes and Noble early in 2016 and the intrigue had me thinking about it for awhile. I bought it for christmas, waiting to read it in right time. Early on this week I went to my favorite second hand book store and found out it had 3 books before this one. The Pharos Gate is the final book in a series but it can be read by itself. To be honest I think if I had to read the three books before this I would have become bored. That’s three books worth of people trying to find each other but keep missing connections, that’s infuriating. But this book was lovely and the letter writing kind of reminds me of the letters my best friend and I send to one another. She just went back to school and I think she would really enjoy this book so I’m going to send it to her with my own letter attached. I think she’ll like that.

13. Pirateology. 4/5 stars. These series were my SHIT as a kid. Dragonolgy, Greek Myths, Pirateology. While Hastings went under and into ruins, I found this book for super super cheap. I have certain niches I love to learn/read/aesthetic. Regency, 1950s murder mystery (Looking at you 007), Westerns, weird vintage novels, and pirates. I love the history the book gives you, but as an adult the information is sort of lacking. This is a book definitely for kids, the plot line throughout the guide book is meh it’s ok but it doesn’t capture you, and the interactive bits are the best. I just wish there was more about specific pirates but other than those complaints this is a great book.

14. Viking Poetry: Of Love and War. 5/5 stars. I went to Norway for New Years and I didn’t buy a lot of souvenirs. I mostly bought key chains. I think I only bought two books, maybe even just the one. I bought this viking poetry at THE famous viking ship in Oslo. It was very very cool. I read this book today because I don’t feel well, I want to go to bed but I know I shouldn’t. I have too much homework to do but I’m not motivated to read. The viking poems are unique as they are pretty. I was sometimes disappointed they didn’t have great rhyming schemes but you have to remember these were written in various old languages and then translated into modern day English. If you want to read what the vikings considered poetry, this is a great introduction without reading the giant lores.

15. The Elements of Style: 5/5 stars. Oh my god it’s been so long I completely forgot what my book tag was. February has been crazy for me. I got a internship, I dropped a class because of stress, I’ve been stressed out like crazy, I’ve been doing a lot of school work. I felt like I’ve had no time to read for pleasure. I actually didn’t read this book for please (half pleasure) but for work. It was actually a lot of fun. We studied this book in AP Literature when I was a senior in highschool and I wanted to have it for myself as a writer, but also it’s excellent for my ambitions to become an editor. The writing is a little hard, sometimes I’d read a whole page without really absorbing what was on it. But it was interesting and you can read White’s frustration with writers with certain rules they ignored. I actually loved the add on V chapter by Strunk which said that English rules are extremely important but take in mind the language of your time and how you write. Your voice is important. Which I found very important and also felt like an eye opener with Editing for my job. I’ve been wary of making sure not to change anyone’s voice but also trying to keep with proper English rules. It’s been a lot of fun.

16. The Last Wish: Introducing the Witcher: 5/5 stars. This book took me me almost 2 full months to read. I’ve been so busy. I first started reading this book before my trip to Norway, took it all the way across Europe, back and I finally finally finished it today. I don’t know why it took me so long? I absolutely loved it. I played Witcher 3 last semester and really really loved the story line and characters. My sister-in-law loves the books so I gave it a try! I would definitely recommend this book if you like spins on fairytales and medieval magical worlds. I had a lot of fun but I’m glad I can finally pick a new book.

17. Shackleton: Antartic Odyssey: 4/5 stars. Today has been a recovery day and I’m, emotionally dead/it comes in waves. So I spent like 5 hours in a bath today and read this comic. The art is really good, the story is super intriguing! I was in Norway this last December and we went to a arctic ship museum because Norway was the first to reach the South Pole. But the author even said himself the comic needs to be at least 300 pages but his hand would fall off. And I wish he did do 300 pages. The story was short and choppy. I know it’s selfish, but as a reader I wish he did do his main goal because he had the perfect art style for this comic. Either way, I did enjoy.

18. Creole Folktales: 5/5 stars. If you love mythology, this book is pretty great. If you love Louisiana, black folklore, this book is pretty great. It doesn’t have 5 stars on amazon or goodreads because I think people take issue with the writing or they’ve heard these stories before. This was my first introduction to Creole folktales and I have to say i loved it. The nostalgia of reading different myths is pretty great plus the storylines can be hilarious to kind of terrifying. The author says to read this story by night and I have to agree. I read it all in one sitting this evening and I wouldn’t change that experience.

19. I Shall Not Be Moved: 5/5 Stars. It’s been awhile since I’ve read a poetry book. Since February I think. Sundays are usually my comic or poetry days and I was in the mood for some poetry. I was going to read this book for Black History Month for my book club (if you wanna join hit me UPP) but February was so crazy and stressful that I couldn’t read anything. So this time I did read a Black Poetress but just for National Poetry month. I loved this book, super powerful and moving. I’ll probably be thinking about this poetry book for a long long time.

20. Artists and their cats: 3/5 stars. Being stressed out in my finals week means I want to do a lot of book things just so I can procrastinate. I bought this book as a Christmas present for myself. I'm slightly disappointed in it because the book is called Artists and their Cats, but it's really more like, A mini biography of artists and oh, some cat photos. I was expecting heart warming stories about their cats. But no. I loved the photos though which make this book conflicting for me.

21. The Monkees comic book: 5/5 stars. Super cute. I feel bad because Mickey was drawn pretty horrible. But I loved the art. The choppy scenes were kind of hard to get into and that 1960s humor can be kind of cringey but I really really enjoyed it.

22. The Art of Drowning: 5/5 stars. So I was thinking this would have completed my Billy Collin’s reading, but apparently I read this book in 2014! How crazy! Well I read it and enjoyed it. That’s all.

23. A Queen’s Journey: 4/5 stars. I’ve been having a lot of heart ache for my birth state as of late. I visited Hawaii this time last year since moving when I was 2 and not remembering a single thing about it. Everything fit and I felt like I was home (when I was in the ocean) and it was such a strange feeling. I’ve been missing it hardcore this last month and so I decided if I can’t go to the Island I’d read a book about Hawaii or a Hawaiian. I’m also a book traveler, I bring books on trips and my favorite souvenirs are books. I’m a person who can remember times and feelings by looking at books. This is one of the books I bought while on the big island and haven’t read until now. For the story itself, I definitely give it a solid 4 stars like most people have. The book is unfinished as the author died while writing it. But I actually love how the book ended, the last chapter is perfect for a finale. But everything leading up is meh. Don’t get me wrong, I flew through this book and found it so much fun but it’s written from the perspective of a white entitled reporter who doesn’t really understand Hawaiians but “loves” them because of the Queen. I would have preferred to have a story told from Queen Lili’uokalani’s perspective but it was a nice read.

24. Lights Out and Away We Go by @naum-e : 5/5 stars. I’ve been following Naume-e for at least a year now and they draw the absolutely cutest/breathtaking spirk doodles on tumblr. When I saw they put up their formula one au book up for sale, I had to get it. They even sent me a sheet of adorable spirk stickers. I love it. The art is so professional, the cover is beautiful! The storyline is short and I wish there was more background and developlement but that’s just me being greedy. Only criticism I would have is that one page would be crisp and saturated black and the next would have a grey tone to it so it wasn’t as sharp. I don’t know if that was due to printing costs or stylistic choice but sometimes it worked, other times it was kind of distracting. Either way I really enjoyed it and loved the art!

(I’ve actually read 44 books but 20 of those are yaoi mangas/I don’t have the energy to type up individual reviews)

25. And Three Makes Tango. 5/5 stars. I’m doing a summer class and this is a book I picked for a 5-7 page project about censored books. And Three Makes Tango is the true story of two male penguins who fell in love at the New York Zoo. They made headlines when the zoo keepers gave them a fertilized egg which made them the first male couple to raise a baby penguin. It’s super cute and the art is adorable and I can’t wait to write this 5-7 page essay on it.

26. Goldfinger. 4.5/5 stars. I really enjoyed this book! Dr. No was kind of a hot mess with a huge octopus, guano, and the girl not being entirely likable. This book was definitely a treat! It may be kind of boring because the first 150 pages is a slow burn of James finding a guy cheating at cards and like 3 chapters dedicated to just him playing golf. But I really really loved this? The only reason why I don’t give this book 5 stars is because of Bond’s very sexist and homophobic views he suddenly stated out of no where. There were a TON of lesbians in this book, Pussy Galore, Tally, and he seemed ok with them except he was disappointed he couldn’t fuck them. And then said lesbians and gays were all sissies who he had no time for (even though Bond is like super, mega gay for James Bond. SUPER MEGA GAY.) and the ending they made the strictly lesbian badass gangster woman say, “Well I’ve never met a real man before.” and UGH. WHY. I would have given it 5 stars if they had just left Pussy Galore’s lesbian nature alone and not justify it with a “She just needs a strong man.” Also I apparently bought this book for me for Christmas 2015 ahah.

27. The Mad Kings & Queens, History’s Most Famous Raving Royals: 4/5 stars. I enjoyed this book. It’s marketed as a reference book and it discussed the insane breeding of The Kings and Queens of Europe. This book should really be called, “Inbreeding fucked me up.” because most of the insane issues came from inbreeding lines and madness from parents and grandparents being passed down to their kiddos. But there were several monarchs where I didn’t believe they fit underneath the “mad” title. Like King Henry VIII was just a pissbaby. And there a handful of monarchs included who just had severe depression and anxiety which affected the way they ruled, it doesn’t mean they’re mad. Other than that, it’s a great little book for a quick overview of Europe’s fucked up royalty.

28. Strike Through The Mask! 2/5 stars. It’s not my favorite poetry book, it had some poems I enjoyed! I bought this from the annual library book sale because it was signed by the author and was super cheap. Though after learning about Peter Viereck, I’m not really sure what I think about him? He’s super conservative and is VERY loud about people being extremist but is sort of seen as an extremist himself. Nothing wrong with that inherently but I’m still not super sure about these poems. A lot of them were about trees talking to humans or other trees. Debating on giving them poetry book to donations because it’s really not my favorite.

29. For the King: 2/5 stars. The premise of the book is quite interesting! It follows the assassin attack on Napoleon in 1800 on Christmas at Midnight. It cause da wave of destruction, death, horror, and a huge police investigation which resulted in more death and conspiracy. The book did not live up the potential. It kept my interest and it had some great writing, but the characters were flat, the main character was whinny, and the plot was a little jumbled. It was also strange because it’s a historical fiction but also murder mystery but you know who did it by chapter 1 and you follow the policeman’s thoughts and instincts to capture the assassins. It’s weird, there were a lot of strangely written sentences, and it was over all a just ok read.

30. The Old Man and the Sea: 2.5/5 stars. There is a lot to enjoy about The Old Man and The Sea. The story is compelling, the relationship between the old man and the boy is pleasant, and Hemingway has a way of using metaphors and descriptions which are breathtakingly beautiful. But there is also a lot to be disappointed in. It’s a lot of rambling, several sentences could have been edited, and the old man was pretty much senile in the way that he fishes. I read it in one day and still processing it. I’m pretty sure there are a few pages that I didn’t really read, I fell asleep the first 60 pages, and the story doesn’t truly touch me in the way classics usually do. But there is also something oddly charming which makes rating this book more difficult than I thought.

31. The Lost Estate: 5/5 stars. This book has been on my shelf for awhile. I bought it because you can design your own cover once you finish the book, so I bought it not expecting the story to be great but at least I can art a book. This is one of the best reads I’ve read in several months! I loved the story! I loved the characters! It felt like a fantastical children’s story with romance, magic, and French school boys. The chapters were short and the main character has such a charm. The only downside is that the story has a weird time lapse where you’re not really sure how old the kids are or how many years have passed. All in all, I’m really thrilled with this book and it’s easily going on my favorite shelf after I draw the cover!

32. Lunch Poems: 4/5 stars. Frank O’Hara’s poetry isn’t like your classical poetry. He’s irreverant which makes reading his stanzas refreshing and different. There were some poems where they were too strange and convoluted for my taste, ones I wished I could be heard out loud, and there wasn’t anything that punched me in the chest with wowing words, but it did inspire me to write my own poem. And for me, that’s the highest compliment of a poetry book, to make you write poems. I really enjoyed 14 of the poems which is a pretty decent amount to like for me. Billy Collins has the highest likes of poetry for me, and Lang Leav having the least amount of poetry I liked in her book Love & Misadventure. Frank O’Hara was a decent medium for me and a nice introduction for anyone who doesn’t particularly care for “flowery” poetry. My favorites were: Cambridge, Poem (1959), How To Get There, Pistachio Tree At Chateau Noir, and Yesterday Down At The Canal.

33. Howl And Other Poems: 6/5 stars. Very rarely do I hold a book to my chest after I finish reading it. The books I remember doing this were The Secret Garden, Shadow of the Wind, Pride and Prejudice, and Howl’s Moving Castle. I can add Howl to my list. I first heard of this revolutionary poetry book in one of my university classes about censorship and banned films and literature. We watched the James Franco movie about the whole trial over Howl, and I thought it was pretty, but I didn’t feel a great pull to the way he read the poems. I decided to pick it up for myself and I read it today all the way through. And reading it for myself was something magical and far more touching than the movie could ever produce. All of the poems were a punch to the gut, made me feel something, made me want to create art, and that’s what poetry is supposed to do for you. I may have found my second favorite poet in Allen Ginsberg. This is definitely on my favorite 2017 reads and also in my top 10 favorite books of all time.

34. Monstress Vol 2: 4.5/5 stars. I agree with the main consensus that the second volume is way better than the first. I actually contemplated getting rid of and stop reading the series because the first volume was very bizarre. But now I’m super invested in it. The story line unfolded in an interesting and made more sense way. The art was gorgeous and dark. THERE WERE SO MANY BADASS WOMEN CHARACTERS. Plus I finally caught on that the cats are called Nekomancer and I’m in love. If you like dark, blood, gore, and creepy storylines, Monstress is a great comic to read.

35. Furious Love: Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, and the Marriage of the Century. 5/5 stars. I picked this book up back in 2011. I was browsing Barnes and Noble, looking at their new arrival table. I was in 10th grade, newly in high school, and I had watched the movie Cleopatra in my western civilization class. I loved the writing, bought the book, I remember my mom saying “If I had known who the book was about, I wouldn’t have let you bought it.” and I was enjoying myself. Things happened shortly after that had me pausing from reading the book for 6 years. I decided to try to read it over the summer, had summer school, then my beginning of the semester was too crazy to read this book, and after I dropped from one of my classes, I found I had time to read it. I really loved this book. It’s heart wrenching, you feel the love they had for each other, but you also saw the abuse and tragedy that became their relationship. There are only two notes of importance I would say that is this book’s downfall: 1. The book has minor editorial flaws (commas outside of quotes, periods in parenthesis, Earth wasn’t capitalized). 2. The writers are very much infatuated with Richard and Elizabeth, coming to their defense about the scathing reviews. They did a great job, but it also brings into question just how accurate they can be when they’re so emotionally charged about Richard and Elizabeth. If you want to know more about Richard and Elizabeth, how they came to be, their marriage, and how the marriage fell, this is a great book.

36 + 37: Maus I & II. 5/5 stars. I’ve been wanting to read this collection for years. It has everything I love, history, contrasting colors, and comics. But whenever I found the books, they were full priced and too much for my wallet. Well, a few weeks ago I found the boxset at my local second hand store for 22 bucks. I snatched it. I read the first book on the 29th and the second on the 30th. This, is a heavy story. It’s gut wrenching, it hurts, I nearly cried in book 2, and it’s a poignant story about surviving, the effects of surviving horrible situations, and how it affects your children. The art is beautiful, very symbolic, and doesn't hold back from showing the ugly of WWII. If you want a heavy read to make you think about history and humanity, 100% recommend this comic series.

38. Uncle Remus and Brer Rabbit: 4/5 stars. A classic fairy tale book that I read because one of my friends had it on her shelf and I wanted to read it. It’s very cute, very Peter Rabbit esq. but with more danger and violence to it. It’s not my favorite collection, I didn’t get the warm fuzzies from it, but I did fly through the stories. Though my book is so old that it doesn’t have a publication date and I’m slightly terrified that if it’s from the victorian era that it’s laced with arsenic to make the blue color ahah! But it was cute. A very short fairytale that is chalked full of mythologies of forest creatures and how their distinctive features came to be.

39. Sword of Destiny (Witcher 1, but technically 2) 5/5 stars. I’ve been reading this book since the end of October. I don’t know why, but short story compilation books always take me months to read while James Bond takes me 3 days. I think it’s to do with the pacing and the fact the stories tend to be more condensed and I need to think about a book for at least a day before starting a new one. I really enjoyed this book! Having played the games and adored them, I love the character building and foundations in this book! Baby Ciri warms my heart and I fucking called who her parents were in the prologue which I just realized I actually read this year. Much better than “The Last Wish,” and the angsty Yennefer romance just makes the book with its angst and Geralt just hating everything about his life except for Ciri and Yen.

40. Bing Love: 3/5 stars. I saw a GoFundMe post for this comic book earlier this year and the art is adorable, the plot line got me, and I was so excited to get my copy of this book! I’m torn because on one hand, I love representation and the love story between Hazel and Mari, and the fact the writer took an approach that people had to settle for a fake happiness and how families can be torn apart when you realize they were built on a facade. But there’s a huge pacing problem with this story. It jumps, it skips details, I know this story would have been so much more vibrant with even 20 more pages added to it. Limiting it to 97 pages really killed the vibe of the story. The character development was lackluster, their reactions became unbelievable, and the ending felt so rushed. I would honestly probably give this story 2 stars if it weren’t for the art work making up for where the story lacks.

41. Call Me By Your Name: 5/5 stars. @haremshame for those who don’t know, was my very first, serious love. They’ve been loving Call Me By Your Name and essentially has become the spokesperson on tumblr for the book. They told me to give this book a listen to (which is something I do not do on the regular), gave me a link, and but I was in the middle of the semester. I think maybe more than a week ago I finally started listening to it, how could I not when your first love tells you the story reminds them of us??? And I have to whole heartedly agree. Call Me By Your Name reminds me very much of the excitement of a first love and the everlasting long heart ache that comes when that first love inevitably ends. I loved this story. I wish I picked up the book and read along with Armie Hammer so I could mark all the passages I loved because there were quotations that made me shiver and hum and felt a literal twist in the gut. I’m not entirely sure how this book will go as an experience for other people since I went in to this reading with heavy expectations and knowing it would remind me of Percy and the specialness of our fumbly, young and naive teenage relationship, makes me heavily biased. But the writing is breathtaking, Armie Hammer does a fantastic job, and the story will have you aching in some form or another.

#2017 books #you guys should just get used to this #I'm probably in this for the long haul

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brentrogers · 4 years

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Podcast: Setting Boundaries With Your Family

Do you have difficult — or even toxic — family members? How does one go about setting boundaries with them? And is it OK to cut them off? In today’s Not Crazy podcast, Jackie and Gabe tackle these tough questions with Sonya Mastick, a mental health advocate and fellow podcaster of a show called “What Won’t She Say?” Sonya shares her personal story of how she handled her toxic mom and demonstrates how it’s OK, and sometimes even necessary, to set strong boundaries with family members who hurt you. It’s also OK if those boundaries shift and evolve with time.

Tune in for an honest discussion about protecting your mental health from harmful family members.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

Computer Generated Transcript for “Sonya Mastick- Boundaries” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Gabe: Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week’s episode of the Not Crazy Podcast. As always. I am here with my co-host, Jackie.

Jackie: And you know my co-host, Gabe.

Gabe: And we also brought along a guest.

Jackie: We are here with my friend Sonya Mastick, who is amazing for a lot of reasons, one of which she is a podcaster herself. Her podcast is called What Won’t She Say? She runs her own business called Rise Above the Din, where she’s a social media expert. She writes for The Mighty. But the best reason, and the reason why she’s here today, is because she’s a mental health advocate. Sonya?

Sonya: Hello.

Gabe: Welcome to the show.

Sonya: Thank you.

Gabe: You are you are very, very welcome. The reason we wanted to have you here today is because our listeners often talk about they talk about cutting off their families. Then that’s the way they talk about it. Just like I want my mom and dad to go away. I want my brother and sister to go away. I just I need to get as far away from my family as possible. This is what we’re hearing from our listener base. But one that’s not so easy.

Sonya: Oh yeah.

Gabe: I mean, right? Just telling the people who raised you, who grew up with you, who you’ve probably known your entire life by, I never want to see you again. It’s difficult. But as Jackie talks about a lot, setting boundaries is extraordinarily important. And you, Sonya, you set some masterful boundaries with your parents.

Sonya: Mm-hmm.

Gabe: Now, I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but you describe your parents as toxic. You’ve cut them off, but not completely.

Sonya: Yeah.

Gabe: Can you talk about that for a moment?

Sonya: I will. I would like to backtrack and add a little bit to what you said, that not only is it hard for people who are contemplating doing this, to do that for like the paternal maternal reasons and you raise me. But, everyone listening, I feel you with the pressure of societal because people will whip out anything. The Bible, it says in the Bible, honor thy mother and father.

Gabe: It does, it’s right there.

Sonya: They’re all. No, they won’t tell you anything. Any of the context around that. God forbid. But they also will. It’s just all the societal guilt that people that are in codependent and or toxic family dynamics seem to be OK to perpetuate that. I get that. I don’t judge that. It’s very comfortable. It’s what you know, it’s hard to sort of un-write that coding in your brain that you get from an early age. So I understand that. But everything, every Hallmark movie, every everything conspires against you to do what you need to do for boundaries. It’s exhausting.

Gabe: I think the people who are saying that are well-meaning and I don’t think they’re coming to you and saying, hey, we want you to connect with your family even though it’s going to hurt you. They don’t realize it’s going to hurt you because they’re comparing their families and they’re thinking, oh, you know, just they have a political difference or they don’t like your hair color or your job or where you live or your choice of mate. But this is deeper. When we talk about toxic families, we don’t mean a disagreement about a movie or politics or even lifestyle choices. We’re talking like literal toxicity. For example, what made you put a big wall between you and your parents?

Sonya: Well, this is the point where this this can be very triggering for some people. It is triggering in a sexual nature. So just a heads up if this is a problem for you. But.

Gabe: Thank you.

Jackie: Thank you.

Sonya: There was sexual abuse in my family and alcoholism is really long lineage of really well-intended but super messed up people. And they’re not. Not only are they all not awful people, I don’t think any of them are awful people. I don’t. This is the thing that buys a lot of compassion for me and empathy. Is that I don’t think anybody was five and was on their big wheel and said, I’m going to grow up and be awful to people. I’m gonna be damaging, maybe hurtful. But it’s all like a lot of codependency. It’s all really toxic and everybody seems to be OK with it. Everybody seems to not want to go any further in their lives and examine things. And when I when I first decided to go and get therapy, they were like, you’re not crazy. I was berated. I was belittled. You know, maybe you are crazy. You’re the only one in this family that is crazy. I’m like, possibly, but we’re gonna find out, you know.

Jackie: Is the attitude towards, I guess, not repeating behaviors or sort of bettering or getting out of the cycle similar to that, where it’s like, well, I was spanked when I was a kid and I turned out okay.

Sonya: Yeah.

Jackie: Is it similar, but like much bigger topics.

Sonya: I think for my case there was so much damage that they couldn’t even get out of the headspace to even have that argument. It’s just like this constant survival mode of trauma. It’s just constantly living your life through trauma. And it took me getting older. I was a musician. And once I started traveling and seeing other people experiencing other things, other people, you start realizing like this isn’t normal. What’s going on here? Even if you take out all of the, like, overt neglect and abuse, just the way that the family functions as a dynamic. It was just like crazy. Simple things that to everyone else. Like, well, this is just what families just eat at tables, not mine, you know. So it’s just really interesting. So it really took getting out into the world and it took like 20 years of my life to sort of undo, like realizing like they’re coming from trauma.

Gabe: One of the things that I noticed that you’re doing is you’re kind of giving your family cover. You know, we started this with your family is toxic. And you cut them off. And people don’t understand that you needed to get as far away. And then even in telling your story, you’re like, well, they didn’t mean to. Nobody starts off at five years old and wants to be bad. You describe, you know, codependency, trauma, sexual abuse in school. But it was accidental.

Sonya: No, no, no, no.

Gabe: So it’s also ongoing.

Sonya: Yeah.

Gabe: That’s kind of my question there to clarify those things. I was I started to hear your story. I’m like, oh, this is messed up. And then you were like, but I love them.

Sonya: No, no, no, I don’t. Actually, that’s not. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I’m glad. I’m glad you called me on that. Yeah. No, I don’t want anyone to misread that because the point I’m getting to with that is that I can still see them as fractured, damaged human beings that do this. I don’t want anything to do with it. And so for myself, I have to maintain some compassion for who they are as humans, or I’ll be angry and hard. I’ll be ferocious and bitter. And I was for a period in my life, just I hated everybody and myself. And so, yeah, I don’t ever want people to confuse my compassion for excuse. I have to have that part of me that keeps me soft and open and willing to give to people. And willing to love people, willing to make new friendships and things. It damages all of that. But, you know, I realize like when the point came when I really needed to do the cut off and you get to a really distinct crossroads. And for me, and I think for a lot of people, is when you get healthy, when you finally invested so much time into yourself with professionals or whatever it is that you need to get to that spot. I realized, OK, well, I’m allowed to have boundaries. So these are my boundaries. And once I established those boundaries and they were completely ignored, I mean, not even like, there was no way we’re gonna pretend to even. There was nothing of that. I was just like, OK.

Gabe: Well, when you say your boundaries were ignored, it was your family pushing through.

Sonya: OK.

Jackie: People hate boundaries. Yeah. You put them up and they’re like. I don’t think so. I don’t like this. And I find for me when I put them up, it comes back at me as anger and frustration. At no point is it like I see you doing this. This hurts me. But go ahead. It’s like you’re terrible. Why are you doing this to me?

Sonya: Yeah, I remember just recently that sort of the last hurrah was telling a family member my story, my version of what happened and saying like, you know, my boundary is this, this and this. And immediately, days later, violate that boundary. And then when I said, what the hell? You know, you violated the boundary. They were like, oh, you just hold a grudge. That’s my favorite thing about boundaries. You just hold a grudge.

Gabe: Yeah, forgive and forget. The boundary is always based very much on fact. I think like I don’t like it when you talk to me this way or don’t call me after 9:00 p.m. could be a boundary because I go to bed early. Right. That it’s very much based in fact. But the pushback against it is sort of nebulous. You hold a grudge. Why are you bringing this up again? And the one that I hear a lot is you need to forgive and forget. I like what you said about forgiving. You’re like I have forgiven you. But forgetting just allows it to happen again. So it’s almost like they’re setting you up. Forgive and forget. And then as soon as you forget it, they have another entry way back into abuse you. Is that how you feel about it? Would it be better to forgive and never forget? I think that people just have a hard time with that. Hard. No. Fuck you. No. We’re done. Because there’s there’s just so much pressure to tear that down from other family members, from other friends, from helpful people. How do you stand up to that?

Sonya: Well, the first thing I feel for boundaries, the way you described it is great. And then the other caveat to that is I think that people say when you call them boundaries is they’re saying, don’t call me on my bullshit. Like they don’t want to be called on their bullshit. They don’t want to have to look inward and see where they’re culprits, where they’re actually accountable. And I got to tell you, like going through my life, being as damaged as I was, I did some really messed up shit to people. And I had to be accountable for that. I had to go back and ask for forgiveness. And I did. Because when you when you know better, you do better. And so I just think that most of the push back of boundaries is that. And then just the codependency of this is the way it’s always been. And as Jackie said, I got spanked as a kid. I’m just fine. Like, no you’re not. People have told me that are just not well.

Jackie: Most people who say X happened when I was a kid and I turned out OK, are not OK.

Gabe: Yeah.

Sonya: Yeah.

Jackie: None of them are OK. I wanted to touch a little bit on we talked a little bit about society and how you’re supposed to love your parents and you’re supposed to keep them around. And even this concept of, well, they’re the only parents you’re going to have. Or, you know, that’s the only mom you should really. What used to really get to me was on various holidays where it would be like call your mother memes.

Sonya: Oh, yeah.

Jackie: Things like that. Where, for the people who don’t have good relationships with their parents, it’s like a smack in the face. If you’re just like a shitty kid who doesn’t call home, you call your mom, right? But if you have like a toxic relationship, the pressure to fix that and the pressure to fix it is on you, the kid.

Sonya: Right.

Jackie: You should make it better. You should reach out to your parent. That’s something I’ve struggled with. I have a somewhat tumultuous relationship with my mom. It’s significantly improving. But there were a couple of years in there where I would see that stuff. And I wanted to I wanted to comment on it and be like, you know, my relationship with my mom. Right. How dare you just assume we’re all bad people who don’t call home or something like that? But it’s what you don’t know. If you grew up in a family where you eat dinner every night together and you can’t fathom the person who gave you life being a dick to you.

Sonya: Yeah.

Jackie: It’s really hard to think about not wanting to talk to them, actively avoiding speaking to them, seeing them ever again.

Sonya: Yeah.

Gabe: That it’s establishing where you are on that spectrum. Right. If the reason that you and your family are strange is because you’ve gotten an argument over who won the Super Bowl in 2012, fucking call your mom. What the hell is wrong with both of you? You let a football game get in between you and your family. Or let’s raise the stakes. If the reason that you’re not talking to your family is over, who won a political race? Come on, man. Don’t. Don’t let politics cost you your family. Can’t you agree not to talk about that and find the things that you have in common, but to get back to you, these are serious things that started in your childhood, went through your formative years. Your early adulthood. I’m not trying to call you out or call you old or anything. You’re a middle aged woman. You’ve had a long time to observe what happened to you when you were younger. What happened to you when you were in your twenties and where you are now and you hard stopped it. So you’ve set up this huge wall where you have cut off all the toxicity, but you’re literally caring for them now that they’re elderly and they’re in a nursing home. Right?

Sonya: Yeah, my mother suffers from schizophrenia, so that’s a reason diagnosis. I think it’s probably one she’s had her whole life, but was undiagnosed. So she self-medicated prescription drugs, alcohol, and that actually really, really destroys your brain and your brain chemistry. And so when people become of a certain age, it’s a chicken and the egg. They can’t tell whether the schizophrenia or the dementia or the chemically induced dementia started first. And so I didn’t talk to her for years. And then once it became apparent that she actually was. I mean, obviously, she’s mentally ill, but that she had some sort of diagnosis or some sort of way to kind of get a handle on it. And she was starting to do more reckless things where she was getting into car accidents and she drove out into a cornfield and just stayed there for days, could see houses, but she’s just not mentally capable. And in that moment she was in a in a like a spiral of mania that she just she felt like people were chasing her. And so I felt like the only way I could go forward is I had to help in some way because of the human being. And I have one sibling. And we sort of struck this agreement where he would be the guardian. He would deal with seeing her and I would just deal with her money. I would make sure that she had care for as long as possible. So she’s in a facility where they, it’s assisted living basically. So they nurses come and give her meds and things like that. But she can kind of freely roam about there. And so that was sort of where I became involved. And it took me like, you know, a good six months to really go, yeah, I can I think I can do this. But it’s a precarious balancing act for sure.

Gabe: When you say deal with her money, you mean like there’s all this paperwork that comes with being older, right. So it’s like, oh, you’re older and you need to live in a nursing home? You also need to fill these forms out in triplicate. So it’s interesting because you are helping your mother, but is she aware that you’re helping?

Sonya: Yeah.

Jackie: Because it doesn’t sound like you see her?

Sonya: I don’t. I never speak to her or see her.

Gabe: Gotcha.

Sonya: So that’s the arrangement.

Gabe: But that’s a boundary, right? And you didn’t abandon your mother completely, which I think many listeners like. Oh, my God, that’s so that’s so beautiful. But you never see her and some listeners like, oh, well, no.

Jackie: See what I took away from that, though, which you said pretty clearly was one thing. I’m not a monster. Right? She’s a human being. And I think that’s where one boundaries, important, good, strong boundaries come into place. But I think that’s where a lot of people get really manipulated in these situations, is a lot of the people on the receiving end of abuse or bad relationships or whatever it is, feel like I’m not a bad person. So when you’re in a bad situation, I’m going to help you. Which almost enables the shitty thing. It’s like being around an addict, right? But you can set a boundary still, right? You know, you set a very clear boundary that satisfied in your contribution. It makes you feel safe. It makes you feel like I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. But you also don’t have this weight, well, I just said, what the fuck ever. And walked away from my mom.

Sonya: Yeah. Yeah. I’m not saying that this is the right move. Everyone has to make their own decision. And even my therapist was like, I don’t know about this. But I have a very basic principle at. I do what I need to sleep at night.

Gabe: Well, let’s talk about that for a moment. It seems to me, Jackie, like you’re saying, how do you avoid getting sucked back in?

Jackie: Yes.

Gabe: How is it like I cut you off because you’re toxic so that I understand. I’m never, ever going to see Jackie again. She’s toxic. But now Jackie is kind of like in pain. She’s hurting. So I’m not a bad person. So I’m gonna help her like 5 percent. All right. That’s fair. I’m going to help her 5 percent. But you know, Jackie, she’s smart. She figures out that 5 percent. She figures out how to turn it into ten to twenty five to fifty. And now we’re codependent. Now we’re living in a basement where we’re podcasting. I don’t even know what happened to the analogy there, Jackie. But sincerely, you know, it’s that give an inch take a mile mentality.

Sonya: Oh, and she does it.

Gabe: How are you standing up? How do you. Because it sounds like this is working. How do you not get sucked back in?

Sonya: Well, I immediately bought a program that blocks phone calls and so she can’t call me. And she did try to go through other means of like borrowing phones and things like that. But she only has so much access where she’s at and she’s equally delightful to everyone else. So it isn’t like she has a lot of people coming around to visit. That was tongue in cheek, by the way.

Gabe: Yeah, I was going to say, she’s nice to other people?

Sonya: No, yeah, that is tongue in cheek. So that was one thing, which is there’s going to be nothing like that. There’ll be no conversations. I literally will manage your finances. And it’s through the court system. It’s all we have to account for every dollar that goes in and out. And as you would imagine, somebody dealing with such a difficult mental diagnosis that her finances were a mess.

Gabe: Yeah.

Sonya: You know, it was just it was just absolutely insane. So but that is how I maintain my boundary. And it was like a 4-month conversation with my therapist. Like, is it something you can do? Because I was very careful to wade into the water than I did for years, just have nothing to do with her. And she was in the last bit of the time that we didn’t speak being institutionalized on occasion. And I didn’t have anything to do. I didn’t talk to her, I didn’t talk to her, I didn’t pick her up. I didn’t deal with it. And I had to get to a point where I was healthy enough that I could go. All right. This is the boundary. Is there a way to do this where I can maintain my boundaries and my standards in this? And I finally got to a yeah, there is.

Jackie: We’ll be right back after these messages.

Announcer: Interested in learning about psychology and mental health from experts in the field? Give a listen to the Psych Central Podcast, hosted by Gabe Howard. Visit PsychCentral.com/Show or subscribe to The Psych Central Podcast on your favorite podcast player.

Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Sonya: I’m podcaster Sonya Mastick and we’re back talking about setting boundaries.

Jackie: The key point in talking about how to not get taken advantage of again is being sure that you have done some healing before working on setting boundaries because it’s much easier when you’re not through your healing process to pull them in and go back to what’s normal and to do what makes you feel good in the moment. But if you’ve done the healing, it’s much easier to say like I need this to preserve me. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work for you, but this is what I’m willing to do, you know?

Sonya: Yeah. It’s a process. You have to be sure you’re as ready as you can be, and you can never really know if you’re ready. Honestly.

Gabe: We never know what we’re gonna do in a situation. Let’s be honest. I would venture to guess, to be fair, if I would have asked you five years ago when you were hardcore in the I’ve come and bomb off, do you think you’ll ever help your mom? You’re like, fuck, no, she’s done. Yeah, she’s making the middle finger sign.

Sonya: Yeah. Yeah.

Gabe: Yet here we are. So I do think it’s important for our audience to understand that, you know, things have to be flexible. Don’t beat yourself up because your opinion has shifted or because you’re in a different place. A lot of times we talk about. It’s hard to cut our families off. You need to do it because they’re wrecking your life. But I’m kind of calling you all for being a little disingenuous because you’re like, hey, I had to cut my mom off because she was wrecking my life. But I still want her back in a little bit, but I’ve changed my boundaries. So in your words, kind of just addressing that, because this is a hard thing that comes up for people.

Sonya: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t think that it felt that it violated my boundaries, that I let her back in, because if I did, I wouldn’t, I would have just kept it moving. But it’s very individualized and it is organic as life is. Relationships are, your wellness is, it’s always a moving target. And I think in most cases, if there is a way that I could help somewhat without being involved with the person, I may. So, yeah, I mean, I definitely think there was more inclination to do it because it was my mother. It was a parent. I think that’s actually pretty fair.

Jackie: I’d like to circle back to Gabe saying it was a little disingenuous to allow your mother back in. And I just want to say, like, fuck off, Gabe. It’s not disingenuous because one of the things I talk about in therapy all the time is that boundaries and decisions and relationships can evolve and change. And it’s something I’ve worked on a lot with my mom where there was a time sorry, mom, if you are listening, but there was a time that I really thought about like maybe I should cut off my relationship with my mom. It was bad. It felt bad. And it felt like an all or nothing decision. And my therapist was constantly like, it doesn’t have to stay this way. Maybe you do it this way and it changes. And it still felt like the weight of the world. Like if I cut her off, I’m never going to talk to her ever again in my life. And that’s not true. Like I said, our relationship is significantly improved. I feel good about it. I like talking to her. I like want to spend time with her. And if you’d asked me that three years ago, I would’ve said there’s no fucking way. Absolutely not. And so I don’t think it’s disingenuous at all. I think that it’s a sign of growth. A sign of healing. A sign of empathy. And also like confidence in yourself and where you are to be able to shift that boundary and still feel like I’m where I’m at and I’m getting what I need out of this arrangement.

Gabe: I bring this up because I think there’s a lot of people that have grown, but they remember their angry 20s or their angry 30s or many of us, itt seems, that when we set the boundary, we set the boundary like the nuclear option.

Sonya: Yeah.

Gabe: You know what we’re screaming. I’m never talking to you. I’ve deleted you for my fault. We tell everybody in the family that we hate that person. Social media now is huge. We’re just like posting memes about how much we hate people. And there’s just been this big public blowup that made the hard stop. And then three years later, five years later, 10 years later, we don’t feel that anymore. But we reflect back on that, too. Yeah, I said never again. So there’s like some embarrassment maybe. You know, I did not publicly cut anybody off and I’ve cut people off and I’ve let pretty much every single one of them back in. I can’t think of a single person that I have ever cut off that hasn’t found their way back. My situations are different. You know, once I got treated for bipolar disorder, all of the sudden I was like, you, half of this is my fault. And I learned a lot of that through therapy to Jackie’s point. I know we can’t speak for our listeners, but I guess I just wanted to bring that up because I think there might be people listening who are like, oh, I cut my mom off 10 years ago. I do kind of want to talk to her like Jackie did, or I do kind of want to do something to her. But I don’t want to be a liar. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. And that’s kind of what I wanted to talk about. Right. It’s not hypocritical to understand that who you are 10 years later is not who you were 10 years ago.

Sonya: Not to mention you’re leaving out the factor of the other person. People can change. People grow. People get healthy. So that’s the thing is my case, if there would’ve been any ownership and accountability and some sort of like yeah, we need to fix this and everything. I would have been on board for that. I don’t know if it would have worked. I don’t know if it would have turned out but I know people that have cut people off and then like you, Gabe, they were treated or they came to an understanding of they’re just being kind of a shitty person and going to be better people. And then people see that change like that’s all I wanted.

Gabe: My apology tour was legendary because I cut so many people off because, well, frankly, they were as much as I hate to, I was the toxic person. I mean, like hands down. I was the toxic person. They were setting boundaries against me. It turns out that people don’t want to be friends with, you know, untreated bipolars. And we had we.

Sonya: Odd.

Gabe: Yeah, I know. We miss a lot of things. And when they saw me doing better, they came back. So I’m glad that they did. But now on the other side, it’s just one of the things that makes boundaries so tough, because I think we all think about boundaries as an absolute. And to Jackie’s point, there are just absolutely. Today. They can shift.

Jackie: It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. And if it is all or nothing, it can change to some things. It can change to some times, like your boundary can move. And that to me was when it was a very reassuring moment in me. Everything is awful. I can’t do this anymore. Moment where you’re like, this is it. I’m never going to talk to this person. Everything is terrible, but maybe not always. Just right now. Like, I need this right now for me to be like recycling back. You have to be healthy enough to set the boundary, to keep the boundary. And for me, I had to be healthy enough to get with the boundary. The boundary helped me get healthy. And so once I got healthy, I could think about shifting it or moving it or taking it down or making it smaller or adjusting it.

Sonya: The problem with the boundary too being all or nothing, and this is what makes it so difficult for us is if you think about the culture in the United States specifically, it is always all or none. I’m going to go and lose 80 pounds or I’m a piece of shit. Like it’s all this like shame and this thing. And then it’s just fascinating to me that we also because of this, we cannot stand contradictions. So hear me out. We cannot stand a liberal that likes guns because we’re packaged, commercialized, sold to here. And so we’re sold lifestyles, we’re sold at this complete packages of what corporate America wants us to be. So it’s hard for us to ever be a real human being where you sometimes just flat out contradict yourself and you have this organic nature of learning and you end, people roll on you and suddenly you’re like, I hate punk rock, it’s stupid. It’s the lowest form of music. And then you meet somebody that plays really good punk rock for you. You’re like, it’s all right, you know?

Jackie: Like you can’t admit that. You’re like, yeah, actually really good.

Sonya: Like, I never, ever say because I said on social media that I don’t like punk rock once. I can never go back and be like the Ramones are cool, you know?

Jackie: To that point, OK, I was I am never getting married. Never people who knew me. I’m never getting married for I mean.

Sonya: Same.

Jackie: The last. 10 years, if you’ve met me, you know that I said 100 percent against it. I will never own a cat. I hate cats. Woof, cats. I now own two cats.

Gabe: It’s meow.

Jackie: I’m also the proud owner of a husband as well. Playing absolutes are just the worst way to view your life and to your point. I did talk about this very publicly. I was like, yeah, no, I’m never doing that. And so when I said we were getting married, I got a lot of Oh, I thought you were never getting married. And there was a certain period of that where I had to just like deal with it because people were, it was fun and joking, but it still was like they were throwing it in my face that you said this and now you’re changing your mind. Isn’t that ridiculous? You can’t do that. I can only imagine what that feels like when it’s something not as fun and, you know, perceived as joyous as a marriage.

Sonya: You can’t do that. I love that.

Gabe: Hey, all I know is that Jackie said she was never gonna have cats and now she has two cats. And Jackie said she was never gonna have a husband and she has a husband. And right now she is screaming at everybody that will listen that she will never have children. Jackie, baby watch 2020.

Jackie: Hard pass, hard pass.

Gabe: Sonya, thank you so much for being on the show. We really, really appreciate it. I know that we can find the What Won’t She Say Podcast probably on every available podcast or player.

Sonya: Correct.

Gabe: Check it out. Sonya is awesome. What’s your Web site? Where can our listeners find you?

Sonya: That’s really it. I’m on every social media. WhatWontSheSay.com, and if you’re interested in the business, RiseAboveTheDin.com.

Jackie: Can I search your name on The Mighty?

Sonya: Yeah. Yep.

Gabe: Yeah. Check it out. Check it out. Thank you again, Sonya. Jackie, as always. Thank you for being here.

Jackie: It’s been lovely.

Gabe: I love how I always thank you for being here, even though it’s your show. Like, just.

Sonya: Gabe, thank you for being here, buddy.

Gabe: Thank you. It’s mine.

Sonya: Thank you.

Gabe: It’s my show.

Jackie: It’s our show.

Gabe: It’s my show.

Jackie: We share.

Gabe: We do?

Sonya: Sorry, Lisa.

Gabe: Listen up, everybody. If you love this show, wherever you found it, please subscribe, rank and review. Share us on social media. And when you share us, use your words. Tell people why you like us. Remember, Not Crazy travels well. If you’re having an event that you don’t want to be boring, hire Gabe and Jackie to do a taping of the Not Crazy Podcast live. You’ll get to see us. Jackie really does have blue hair. And remember after the credits, are all of our outtakes and listen, we suck at this. So there’s a lot. We’ll see everybody next week.

Jackie: Thanks for listening.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail [email protected] for details.

Podcast: Setting Boundaries With Your Family syndicated from

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 4 years

Text

Podcast: Setting Boundaries With Your Family

Tune in for an honest discussion about protecting your mental health from harmful family members.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

Computer Generated Transcript for “Sonya Mastick- Boundaries” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Gabe: Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week’s episode of the Not Crazy Podcast. As always. I am here with my co-host, Jackie.

Jackie: And you know my co-host, Gabe.

Gabe: And we also brought along a guest.

Sonya: Hello.

Gabe: Welcome to the show.

Sonya: Thank you.

Sonya: Oh yeah.

Sonya: Mm-hmm.

Gabe: Now, I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but you describe your parents as toxic. You’ve cut them off, but not completely.

Sonya: Yeah.

Gabe: Can you talk about that for a moment?

Gabe: It does, it’s right there.

Sonya: Well, this is the point where this this can be very triggering for some people. It is triggering in a sexual nature. So just a heads up if this is a problem for you. But.

Gabe: Thank you.

Jackie: Thank you.

Sonya: Yeah.

Jackie: Is it similar, but like much bigger topics.

Sonya: No, no, no, no.

Gabe: So it’s also ongoing.

Sonya: Yeah.

Gabe: That’s kind of my question there to clarify those things. I was I started to hear your story. I’m like, oh, this is messed up. And then you were like, but I love them.

Gabe: Well, when you say your boundaries were ignored, it was your family pushing through.

Sonya: OK.

Jackie: Most people who say X happened when I was a kid and I turned out OK, are not OK.

Gabe: Yeah.

Sonya: Yeah.

Sonya: Oh, yeah.

Sonya: Right.

Sonya: Yeah.

Jackie: It’s really hard to think about not wanting to talk to them, actively avoiding speaking to them, seeing them ever again.

Sonya: Yeah.

Jackie: Because it doesn’t sound like you see her?

Sonya: I don’t. I never speak to her or see her.

Gabe: Gotcha.

Sonya: So that’s the arrangement.

Gabe: Well, let’s talk about that for a moment. It seems to me, Jackie, like you’re saying, how do you avoid getting sucked back in?

Jackie: Yes.

Sonya: Oh, and she does it.

Gabe: How are you standing up? How do you. Because it sounds like this is working. How do you not get sucked back in?

Gabe: Yeah, I was going to say, she’s nice to other people?

Gabe: Yeah.

Jackie: We’ll be right back after these messages.

Sonya: I’m podcaster Sonya Mastick and we’re back talking about setting boundaries.

Sonya: Yeah. It’s a process. You have to be sure you’re as ready as you can be, and you can never really know if you’re ready. Honestly.

Sonya: Yeah. Yeah.

Sonya: Yeah.

Sonya: Odd.

Jackie: Like you can’t admit that. You’re like, yeah, actually really good.

Sonya: Like, I never, ever say because I said on social media that I don’t like punk rock once. I can never go back and be like the Ramones are cool, you know?

Jackie: To that point, OK, I was I am never getting married. Never people who knew me. I’m never getting married for I mean.

Sonya: Same.

Jackie: The last. 10 years, if you’ve met me, you know that I said 100 percent against it. I will never own a cat. I hate cats. Woof, cats. I now own two cats.

Gabe: It’s meow.

Sonya: You can’t do that. I love that.

Jackie: Hard pass, hard pass.

Gabe: Sonya, thank you so much for being on the show. We really, really appreciate it. I know that we can find the What Won’t She Say Podcast probably on every available podcast or player.

Sonya: Correct.

Gabe: Check it out. Sonya is awesome. What’s your Web site? Where can our listeners find you?

Sonya: That’s really it. I’m on every social media. WhatWontSheSay.com, and if you’re interested in the business, RiseAboveTheDin.com.

Jackie: Can I search your name on The Mighty?

Sonya: Yeah. Yep.

Gabe: Yeah. Check it out. Check it out. Thank you again, Sonya. Jackie, as always. Thank you for being here.

Jackie: It’s been lovely.

Gabe: I love how I always thank you for being here, even though it’s your show. Like, just.

Sonya: Gabe, thank you for being here, buddy.

Gabe: Thank you. It’s mine.

Sonya: Thank you.

Gabe: It’s my show.

Jackie: It’s our show.

Gabe: It’s my show.

Jackie: We share.

Gabe: We do?

Sonya: Sorry, Lisa.

Jackie: Thanks for listening.

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blookmallow · 5 years

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hello here is a post about my skyrim houses so far

i LOVE that butterfly jar ive never seen another one and i forget where i even found that one... i wish i could catch things and put them in jars myself

i switched that shield with an ebony shield instead but i still like the dwemer one too

mushroom pile and a dresser with some cool stuff on it

end table ft mask i stole from a cultist who tried to murder me and some spooky alchemy stuff

i dont like the bed in the whiterun house, sleeping on straw sounds horrible :’| like. why cant i buy a better bed i have the money

man this shit’s getting out of hand. is it possible for one to have too many skulls

i have a better place for this now in my other house but i had lucia’s dagger here for a while

i bought the dining room upgrade and all the stuff on the table spawned like a tornado went through it lmao what the fuck,

i just gave up on half this stuff i cant reach very far across the table, its REALLY hard to get things to sit upright, if i climb on the table to reach further i risk knocking everything else over in the process, putting objects on plates doesnt generally work very well (they fall off/glitch through/wont stay centered/etc) so i couldnt get this to look decent and just ended up putting away half the stuff that was supposed to go on the table

for a while i tried really hard to have a bowl of gemstones but... that many small objects all interacting with each other at once, in a very unstable bowl that does not seem to want to react well with any of them, did NOT go well lmao they were constantly glitching out of the bowl and pretty much every time i walked by it it was just sort of. constantly twitching slightly

god fucking damn it ok this is NOT working lmao

my bookshelf so far

i have a system going where i have a note on my phone of all the books i have so when im out adventuring i can check to see if a book i found is one i dont have yet, i have one end table for dumping all the new books i havent read yet, one end table for books i have read, and the shelf for my favorite books

and also another end table for just like. random notes/journals/etc

i got a shit ton more shelf space in markarth now though so ill have to figure out how i want to utilize those

im also working on slowly replacing all my stolen books with legitimate copies lmao. i didnt realize how many places there were to get books without stealing them/the fact that theres like a million copies of the same books around

you cant sell stolen items i dont think so ive just been kinda dumping them all in a barrel near my house :’ ) i assumed they would disappear after a while but they. have not. so theres just this barrel full of stolen books outside the blacksmith shop now

little pile of dwemer stuff i found and some cool weapons (i later switched out the glass dagger for a glass sword instead though) (i LOVE glass weapons visually even though i dont entirely understand them as a weapon. i mean i know theres some pretty strong glass out there and its definitely sharp, but)

i hate how dark it is in my house i cant figure out how to get more lighting

i love these dynamo cores also

then i bought a house in markarth which is HUGE!!!!!!

this was before upgrades/before i put anything in it so it looks loads better now but EEYY

also LOOK how many fuckin shelves i have now

i gotta decide how i want to categorize them but i can fit SO many more books in here

look at this shit this looks like a jarl’s bedroom

it feels wrong having my kids living in that tiny little shack of a house in whiterun when i have ALL THIS now but i dont want them in markarth... ive seen random murders occurring in the city and the guards barely cared, saw dead guards laying around for no apparent reason, theres possibly forsworn agents sneaking around, theres a strong chance of falling off the steps and dying on the stone (i dont know if that can happen to npcs or if children even can die but i dont want to find out) and theres only like one other kid there

im thinking ill probably start working toward the solitude house since that seems to be. probably the safest place to be/ive heard its the best house anyway

then it was finally time to move the skull pile out of whiterun, BECAUSE: this house has an empty room, which is EXACTLY what ive been looking for,

(you can turn it into an alchemy workshop or a kids bedroom but i left it empty intentionally)

i found a random saw buried in all the skulls. not sure how that happened

in the end (at the time when i moved to markarth) i had a total of 67 human skulls and 31 troll skulls in my collection, 98 skulls altogether which means i definitely have over a hundred now

i have a video of me dropping all 67 human skulls at once lmao ill post that later

beautiful..... my dream.... Realized

im still collecting though theres more now. im gonna keep doing it until it starts making the game lag or something. hoping to have so many fucking skulls you cant even get in the room anymore but i dont know how many the game will let me have before it starts crashing

got my mannequin set up with some nice clothes. glad to find something to do with that werewolf armor bc i didnt want to wear it lmao

he hasnt been moving as much but ive still seen him posing with the shield or like. slightly off center/etc so hes probably still a lil haunted but thats ok we love and support haunted objects in this house

gems have been relocated to a new bowl which is a STATIONARY OBJECT and it seems to be working out loads better :’ ) i havent had them fall out everywhere Once since i put em in there

#lucy plays skyrim #scooby dooby queue

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xcdykmjf-blog · 5 years

Text

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"long term disability insurance quote canada

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