#prolly took a long time to get from horrified -> oh i like them

[griffworks]

Mfw i make my s/i so wierd and off putting 😏

[washingxmentality-m]

“ i don’t wanna hurt you . ” ~@bloodxfanatiic (Prolly blood urges acting up and her chewies can't calm her down)

Reputation Sentence Starters ♡ @bloodxfanatiic​​ ♡ Accepting

Oh, he could understand that. More than anyone else. Understanding each other was a cornerstone of their friendship, after all. Had been since day one. Being scared of one’s own Quirk wasn’t exactly a universal experience (at least that was how Shinsou saw it), but between himself and Himiko? They both grew up with more than enough times of fearing what they were capable of, and even still harbored those fears to this day. Everyone else seemed to be happy with their Quirks and everyone around them being impressed, praising them and saying what an amazing hero they’ll make. Not in the cases of himself and Himiko. Even in their internships at the Fat Gum Agency with Tamaki and Kirishima, they tended to gravitate to each other instead of the two formers. In all honesty, one would think someone so stoic and blunt would grow annoyed with Himiko’s cheerfulness and open affection. But it wound up being exactly what he’d needed; someone who cared about him and meant it one-hundred percent. Maybe it was due to the relatability with their Quirks, or just opposites attracting. Either way, he deeply valued her.

Only he was able to catch on to nervous behavior that popped up whenever her urges became too powerful. He’d tried to educate the others (and Fat Gum himself) on it, but he always wound up being the best person to help. Dropping everything to go and help her, even if she was out on patrol. Now was such a situation. She’d been sent out on a solo patrol to test her hero skills despite those telltale behaviors were showing themselves, and honestly? He was beginning to get angry at Fat Gum for sending her out like that. But that was a talk for later. He’d scaled roofs, desperately searching the streets below for her, finally dropping down once he’d found her. He then managed to get them both away from any watchful eyes, into a secluded alley. Might not have been the best place, but hey, it was the first place he saw that wasn’t crowded.

Upon hearing the feeble yet somehow adamant words leaving her, a frown formed on his face. She’d told him about she was taught to suppress her Quirk, make herself seem as normal as possible. Socially-acceptable. Now, he hadn’t had that chance to appear as normal; rumors spread fast in middle school and at UA. But he still empathized with her. He’d done the right thing by getting her away from the large amount of people out on the street. Leaving her focus (hopefully) just on him. He’d let her use his blood before, both for when she wanted to transform into him... or when her urges acted up. If that was what would help her, he was fine with doing that. He trusted her after all. But he still didn’t want to resort to that right away. She must be terrified right now. Better try to calm her down first. And, lucky for her, he knew exactly how to do that.

Instead of the full-on glowing white eyes his usual Brainwashing gave, they glowed a soft white. The relaxing part of his Quirk, something he couldn’t believe he had. He shook his head before finally saying, “No. You haven’t hurt me yet, have you? So, I highly doubt you’d hurt me now. You haven’t hurt Kirishima, Amajiki, Togata, or Fat Gum either. None of them.” He then dared to step closer, but his strides were slow, careful. Ultimately, he stopped in front of her, his hands lightly grasping hers. “I... I know how it feels. Being horrified by your own Quirk. Everyone shunning me because I can control people, make them do bad things, evil things.”

She’d helped him so many time when it came to doubting himself or letting others’ opinions get to him. It was only fair he return the favor. Himiko giving him a pick-me-up was a consistent enough occurrence. But each time, no matter how she worded it, it still struck him deeply. Knowing someone valued him so highly, wasn’t terrified of him, and believed in him. It was such a foreign concept before meeting her. Wait, no, saving her. Saving her from whatever terrible things fate might’ve had in store for her. “But I want you to know, you’re not that evil person. Never were. You’re the exact opposite. You’re friendly, loyal, and dedicated. You can even get someone like me to smile. That’s quite a feat.” He couldn’t help but allow a smile to form on his face despite the situation, as though proving his point. 

Did he like Himiko? Yes. He always caught Tamaki and Mirio giving him these knowing looks each time he talked about her or if they caught his gaze lingering on her for a little longer than necessary. Of course they’d both know what was going on, with how close those two were... It certainly didn’t help he wasn’t the best with dealing with his feelings and it’d been forever since he’d felt this strongly about someone. Himiko and himself really had bonded over their time of knowing each other. Nothing but pure support and relatability both of them had longed for. But he’d be lying if there wasn’t a new, and even slightly scary feeling regarding her gradually bubbling up. Of course, due to past experiences, he was too terrified of possible rejection or her not reciprocating to pursue it. This was the same boy who took every single opportunity to become a hero without hesitation…

Giving her hands a small squeeze with a warmer smile slipping onto his face, he softly said, “After all of the denouncing, villainizing things I’ve heard since elementary school... it feels good to know I mean something to someone. Thank you for giving me a friend for once. Someone who isn’t too scared to get to know me or even approach me. I hope I’ve done the same for you. So... thanks.” Was he going to say it? This hardly seemed like the right time or predicament to say such an intimate thing. And he could mess this up for all he knew. She could reject him and run away. He could never face her again, not to mention he’d lose his best friend, his truest friend. But there was also the possibility where this could work. She could reciprocate his feelings, they could go back to the Agency, and get those same knowing looks from Tamaki and Mirio. 

Thus, after a few moments of silence and debating on just how to go about saying this, he finally let out a heavy sigh. Now or never. “Let me reiterate; you’re not some evil monster. You’re not bad because of what your Quirk does to you. That’s not the Himiko Toga I know and love.” Well, the cat was out of the bag now. He averted his eyes from her, a rather prominent blush coloring his cheeks. He was beginning to understand why Tamaki sometimes got so flustered around Mirio. “So, uh... yeah, you heard that right. I’m not saying that just as a friend either. And you know how I am with honesty. So, honestly? I love you.” The smile then morphed into a quite tense expression, his heart slamming against his chest as he waited for her response.  

[into-control]

submission:

(i’m making my comments along the way in bold because whew)

my v embarrasing old showmila fanfic

context: I was technically 11 yrs old, but very nearly 12 (😭). this was written in the IKWYDLS era, and I'd only just become a fan of shawn and fifth harmony, so I barely knew anything about their personalities. I really believed that shawn and camila were secretly dating. and for some reason, I clearly thought shawn was some kind of cocky bad boy 🤦 

anyway, this is super embarrassing lol. I've deleted the fic from quotev now. the plot of the fic was basically that shawn makes a bet with those vine guys he was friends with that he can get camila to fall in love with him in a week. but then, once they eventually get together, camila starts getting stalked and threatened by a crazy gay fan of shawn's that's in love with him and hates camila. (homophobic undertones I know 😬 I'm gay and was def not impressed with myself reading it back)

EXTRACT 1:

Summary: Shawn made a bet with Cameron and Jack that he will get Camila to fall for him by the 1 week deadline but somewhere along the way he found himself falling in love with her- and hard. What will happen when Camila finds out? Will Shawmila survive? Or is Shawn finally gonna find out what it feels like to be broken in pieces?

A certain brown- eyed heartthrob barged into Camila's dressing room. "Shawn!" she screamed, dropping the magazine she had been gazing at. Shawn was curious; he strolls over to the magazine and picked it up. On the front cover was a huge picture of himself. He smirked. "Camila, why stare at a picture of me when you can stare at the real thing baby girl?" Camila was confused, what did he mean? She snatched the magazine off him and she sighed. "That's not the page I was looking at," she explained, turning to a page where there was a shirtless pic of Taylor Lautner. She hands it back to him. (omg heterosexual icon)

"Wait, what'd ya mean? I am way hotter than some man who plays a dog!" Shawn exclaims cockily. "Haven't you seen Twilight, Shawn? He's a werewolf!" "Shawn too cool to watch Twilight," he countered. (why is he talking like a caveman pls)

EXTRACT 2:

Cameron turned to look at Jack. "He's been flirting with Cabello again!" he said to him, clearly irritated. Wait, what? He was not flirting with Camila, they were fighting!!! Were his friends blind? "Dude, face it. You soo like her," said Jack. "I do not have a crush on Camila!" "You visit her every day, have your dumb flirt/fights and you always talk about her- always!" shouted a frustrated Jack. (the way jack used a slash in an out loud sentence) "Only because it's fun to annoy her and if I liked a girl I would ask her out!!" "No You're afraid that she doesn't like you, that you'll get rejected and made a fool of yourself!" Cameron guessed. "Fine! I will get Camila Cabello to fall for me and guess what; I can do it within one weeks!" He yells in anger. Oh no, Shawn Peter Raul Mendes never loses his temper. (u serious right now) "It's a bet then. And if Jack and me win you have to admit you love her, in front of everybody!" said Cameron. Shawn agreed but as he walked away, he wonderes if he'd made the right choice. Oh well, time to turn on the Shawn Mendes charm, he thought, popping his collar. Starting from tomorrow. Though"

EXTRACT 3:

As he walked back to his table, he felt happy- it was because he was going to prove Cameron and Jack wrong. He ate his sandwich without saying a word to his friends and went to go to the flower shop. "Hey get me the best roses you got," he demanded. The employee's eyes widened and before she could say anything, he interrupted. "Yeah yeah I'm the awesome Shawn Mendes, hit singer, now get the flowers lady" (GSHDHDHAHSHAHHA) She rushes over and grabbed some expensive looking roses; he paid the money and gave a 100 dollar tip and headed back to the Fifth Harmony house. He left them on the table in Camila's dressing room that shared with Dinah, with a careful note. As he walked out, he bumped into Miss Cabello herself. "Shawn, what were you doing in our dressing room!" she shouted. "You'll see," he replied mysteriously, before walking off in his bad boy stroll. She shrugged and stepped inside, when she spotted the flowers on her table. They were roses, she read the note. It said: To Camila, saw these and thought you would like them, from Shawn Mendes. She awwed and put them in a vase. From behind the door, Shawn watched and was proud of himself. He was a step closer to winning his bet.

EXTRACT 4:

Shawn nodded his head. "Camila, I have to tell you a secret," She looked at him. "Okay you know how I've been acting weirdly lately?" Shawn explains.. "What, you mean like when you insulted me in Spanish, dressed all stupid then screamed when you saw the reflection, followed me around everywhere and flirted with a guy because I asked you to? Nooooooooo, that wasn't at all weird," Camila said sarcastically. Shawn looked down in embarrassment. "Yeaaaah, you see, I was acting like that because I was trying to win a bet, I made with Cameron and jack" shawn explained. She looked confused. Camila was so cute when she was confused. "What kind of bet?" she asked him. "The bet were to get a girl to like you," Shawn continues. "Well, who was that girl?" she questioned. Was it just him or did she look… jealous? Shawn panicked and blurted out. "Uh, she has pretty dark hair and is Spanish," Camila looked upset. "Oh, so you like Lauren then. Well, you can go tell her now," (SHUT UPDJFJ) Shawn slapped a hand to his forehead. "No, it's you Camila!!!" he admitted She looked at him. "Whaa-?" Shawn sighs. Maybe he should have been scared. "I really really like you Camila," She hugged him tightly. "Really Shawn?" Shawn nodded. "Do you want toa go to that new food place tonight?" He asked. She looked like she was thinking about it. "Eres un idiota, pero frente Shawn seguro," she said. He gave her a confused stare. "I knew you couldn't speak Spanish!" Camila said triumphantly. Shaw looked at her. "Yes and Shawn? I really like you too," she said

EXTRACT 5:

Shawn smirked and went to sit next to Camila. They looked at each other, thinking the same thing because they were so connected. Their friends all hated them being lovey-dovey so they made it into a game. They acted like a perfect couple when they were around. Their reaction were always hilarious. Shawn started off. He gazed into Camila's eyes and pretended he was in a Twilight scene. "Hello Camila-bear, I missed you so much," Shawn said realistically as possible. (manibear is shaking) Camila played along and sighed. "I know, Shawnykins. It's been almost 5 whole minutes. I can't possibly go that long without getting lost in your dreamy chocolate eyes," Camila put in a dreamy sigh for good measure. Their friends are staring at then horror- struck, like they want to look away but couldn't. Yes! It was working! "I'm so happy you feel the same way! I was worried you had…" Shawn paused dramatically. "…forgotten about me," Camila gasped in horror. "I would do anything for you, MiMi," Shawn finished. Camila frowned at the nickname, knowing Shawn was trying to annoy her. "Oh Shawn!" she sighed. "Camila!" He copied. They both leaned in shared a short kiss then pulled away, looking at their reactions. Lauren had her mouth half open and was staring into space, horrified. Normani had her eyes covered and was yelling, "Make it stop! Please make it stop!". (lauren baby i’m gonna get you out of there) Ally held onto Dinah liks a cuddly toy and Dinah looked like she wanted to push her away but was too busy trying to breathe, like if she found out her favourite lipstick was discontinued. Shawn's friends the girls were holding a hand to their mouth while the guys looked like they wanted to be put out their misery. Shawn couldn't take it anymore. He and Camila began laughing hysterically, clutching their abs and holding tears of laughter.

EXTRACT 6:

Shawn swiped the don't answer button and tried to go back to sleep. Then his phone beeped loudy. He sighed and read the text. It was from his girlfriend Camila. To: Shawn From: Camila shawn sum1 at window help! He read it and quickly hopped out of bed and ran all the way to the Fifth Harmony house to the bedroom Camila was in without shoes on. She was carrying a lamp in one hand and her phone in the other hand and was hiding behind the door. Shawn walked forward and pur his hand on her shoulder. She jumped but then She hid behind Shawn as he crept slowly towards the window. Camila whisperers something to him, terrified. "Th- they wer- were tapping o- on the window, then I s-saw a human sh- shadow across the wall," Shawn locked the window and lied on the floor while Camila was on the bed for the night. she fell asleep and Shawn took out his new iPhone. (rich king) He said on twitter that he was looking for a bodyguard for his girlfriend and that interviews were gonna be at his mansion at 2:00, tomorrow. (he prolly put it on craigslist or something) He looked at Camila. She looked so peaceful and cute when she was sleeping. Stupid cute Camila. Suddenly she started turning around in her sleep and got a few sweat droplets on her forehead. Gross, wait, was she having a nightmare? I have got to wake her up! Shawn stood up and ran over to her. "Camila!" he whisper- yelled.

[forgettinggirlinterrpted]

5/8 - 5/13/19

It’s so easy sometimes to forget why I’m here. That’s my problem- I forget things. I forget my keys, I forget to turn my car off when I get gas, once I even forgot I biked somewhere and ended up walking home.

But worse than that, I forget emotions. I forget how miserable not having AC in my car makes me until late April rolls around, I forget when I’m mad at someone, I forget how happy I felt during some of the most important moments in my life. Most importantly- I forget when I’m sad.

I have brief moments that pop up in a sea of darkness that allow me, for just a moment, to laugh and feel like a real person. These moments happen a lot. I can see light and laughter during a panic attack before the flip switches and my brain turns back into a train running off static electricity and black mold. The fog clears for just a brief stop on the tracks and the mold crawls back to its host.

But same as the the fog clears, eventually so does my forgetfulness. My ability to forget is just as weak as it is powerful. Slowly but surely those mold covered trains start moving again with no clear destination. The black creeps in as I sit in the real world, hunched over, grasping onto my surroundings- yet failing to grasp onto any sort of consistent breathing pattern. I can forget sadness, but I can just as quickly forget happiness.

So here I am, in the day room of a psychiatric hospital, surrounded by people just like me. We have become our own ragtag group of misguided grownups. When I arrived here 7 days ago almost a year after my last admission to this hospital, I felt the trains moving at full speed through a pile of sludge. I stared at the painting on the wall and began to fear that here, I may not be able to utilize my warped superpower: my ability to forget.

But slowly, the other patients and I have begun to forget together- somehow forgetting without truly forgetting. Together, we can laugh not through the pain, but alongside it. This is the place where I don't have to feel bad for my moments of forgetfulness. Moments of comic relief and simple enjoyment. I don’t need to feel like my laughter negates my 10-year-old depression diagnosis.

Here, we are embracing those moments. We embrace the moments of happiness and sadness- in whichever order they decide to arrive. In a room full of people so different it looks like the set-up to a bad joke, we can forget in a place that is simultaneously forcing us to remember.

When I got here, my doctors told me to embrace the community. “If you don’t want to talk about your anxiety and depression, then just listen.” So I listened. And then I started talking.

One night, we all gathered in the day room, attempting to avoid the loneliness of our windowless rooms. As a Die Hard sequel blasted in the background, the addicts in the room discussed their journey through meth addiction. I asked questions. They answered. We all laughed. A heroin addict around my age told me, “seriously, don’t touch meth.”

The man next to me, Nate, said through the bustle of conversation and laughter, “are you here cuz of a drug?” I said no, and in his thick, mumbled, country accent he asked me, “then why you here?” 

I told him that I’m sad. 

He sighed, looked down at his folded hands and said, “yeah, I’m sad too.”

Nate loves movies and reading, M&M cookies, and meth. Up until he injected 3 grams of “ice” in a suicide attempt, he has been living on the streets. I halfway listened to the ongoing conversation about how incredible and horrifying hard drugs can be as he told me about a time he was arrested after ending up inside a university dorm building thinking he lived there. We all took a brief break to laugh even more when another patient, also coming from a recent suicide attempt, tried to enter the conversation by saying he had only ever “done weed once.”

Later, in his mumbled speech, Nate told the group about when he was high and stood in the middle of park downtown for 4 hours with a knife in his hand. We asked him what the hell he was doing just standing there. 

He simply replied, “lookin’.” 

I think we were unable, or even unwilling to truly focus on the scary reality behind Nate standing in a public park, knife in hand, waiting for cops that neither we, or even Nate, knew for certain were even coming. 

So we just kept laughing.

As the night and following day before his release passed, I kept talking to Nate. I shared my extra cookies with him, and forced him to come paint in recreational therapy with me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how genuinely scared I would be if Nate tried to open my dorm room door in the middle of the night. Or if I saw him middle aged, 6’2”, with a bald head, tear drop tattoo, and the psychique of a retired bouncer, standing in park, knife in hand, having the time of his life.

I asked him if it scared him to be out of control like that. He said that was his favorite part; he didn’t mind losing control. Between him telling me about his attempt to end his life and the meth fueled antics that cost him both his new job in Florida and his boss’ iPad, I realized Nate was funny, knowledgeable, and vaguely socially aware.

During one of our conversations, we found ourselves trapped in a seminar about nutrition. He slapped his hands on his thighs and said, “well, time to go.” I whined and asked him to stay. My insistence on attending every activity offered was at odds with Nate’s style. A style that told me that maybe once he did have my naive enthusiasm towards recovery, but lost it somewhere along the way. He said “you want me to stay?” and plopped back into his chair. He knew I wanted him to be there, just as I had begged him earlier to attend a journaling group session- declining my invitation with a non-committal hand gesture and a “nah.”

We sat through the nutritionist explaining “My Plate,” an updated version of the food pyramid. Nate leaned sideways and quietly grumbled, “is that like MySpace,” and I chuckled quietly in a way that reminded me of my habit of exchanging bad jokes in attempts to survive a boring lecture. When the nutritionist asked what could be used as a meat substitute for protein, Nate shouted out every type of bean he could think of. She asked if anybody had eaten eggplant and he shouted, “oh hell yeah, I had an eggplant lasagna once and that shit was delicious.” His southern drawl made everything he said more melodic, and added a level of enthusiasm he often didn’t like to show- unless he is shouting expletives about his incredible experience with eggplant lasagna.

After I had completely tuned out the nutritionist and began to draw in my notebook, Nate leaned over and asked if we could be friends on Facebook. I sneakily handed him paper for him to write his name down. As he wrote, he told me he may not be able to respond for about 30 days.

It happened again. I had forgotten.

I had spent that day arguing with Nate about whether the book or movie version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is better. This was an especially unwinnable argument given that I had never seen the movie and only gotten 100 pages into the book, and Nate had only ever seen the movie. 

He had given me movie suggestions, quoted Carrie, and given me shit for thinking a Pink Floyd song playing on the radio was by the B-52’s. 

He ranted about the symbolism behind the music video for Another Brick in the Wall as he painted a birdhouse that he could have easily crushed by closing his fist.

So I forgot. I forgot when he interrupted my conversation with a social worker to mime towards my extra cookie I had leftover from snack time. He had already eaten the first one when I offered, and originally declined the second. 

I was happy he asked for this one though, since I had only asked for the extra cookies so I could give them to him. 

But he didn’t know that.

His casual mention of the 30 days made me chuckle, but also made me remember. Remember where I was, why I was here, and who I was talking to.

I remember that when we first met, Nate told me his father had been in this same hospital almost 23 years ago. He also told me he killed himself right after being discharged. He tried to tell me it didn’t bother him, but shrugged and mumbled, “I mean it prolly does but I don’t know.” I want to say he said it casually, but that wasn’t it. He wasn’t laughing, but he wasn’t crying either. Mainly, he seemed defeated. Tired, like this was just the beginning of a long list of bullshit he has tried to deal with in his own way.

He looked at me, but never fully turned his body. 

He told me the only thing he truly remembers about the day his dad died. 

During checkout, his dad checked a box on his discharge forms stating yes, he did think his time there had helped him. But his father made it clear to Nate that he didn’t think it helped his depression. When he asked his dad why he lied to the doctors, Nate’s father told him, “I just want to go home.”

This all flashes back, and I remember that despite a potential Facebook friendship, this was the last time I would see him. Mainly, I was forced to remember that I have no control over his sobriety- and that 2 days of talking and painting with a depressed 24-year-old is not going to keep him from running back to the life he is used to the moment things get difficult in his new facility.

I began to think about my plan of action if I see Nate in 30 days, 3 months, or 3 years from now, standing downtown waiting for a dealer, or embarking on one of the never-ending walks he takes to kill time when the meth steals his ability to sleep.

Would I stop for him? Am I prepared to know fully and truthfully that this attempt at sobriety had failed? That the system had failed? Am I ready to accept the fact that I live in a world where kind, smart, and funny people just aren’t given the chance at life they deserve?

I asked him why he thought this shot at sobriety would work, and he said, “I’m just tired man, this ain’t no life.” So again, I remember. I remember why he is here in the first place- Nate had tried to kill himself. What happens if this doesn’t all go according to plan? What’s next?

His favorite part of the drug he wants to quit is the lack of control, and his drug-fueled delusions grant him his own ability to forget. Nate wasn’t ashamed to tell me his stories, but made it clear he wasn’t particularly proud of them either- with an ambivalence that is both inspiring and troubling. 

I fear the thought of everything he hadn’t had time to tell me about. I worry about what will happen when he begins to allow himself to remember.

During our first conversation, I told Nate I was afraid to leave the hospital because I thought the real world was scary. Without fully looking at me Nate shrugged and said, “it’s only as scary as you let it be.” 

Before he checked out, I gave Nate my copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest to read in rehab. 

Maybe one day we can finally finish our debate on the merits of each version of the story. 

Selfishly, I mostly did this so Nate would remember me. But even if he throws the book away, I just hope he remembers to take his own advice. The world really is only as scary as we let it be.

In our groups sessions this past week, we have talked a lot about forgiveness and second chances. For the past 6 months, I have struggled to handle my anxiety and depression, making my constant battle between forgetting and remembering unbearable.

I’ve learned I need to give myself a second chance, and allow myself to to let go of the things that fuel the trains in my head.

Nate and I are both giving ourselves our own second chances- ones that might end up with us both back in this hospital. Ones that will be scary. 

Whether or not we crash and burn, these are second chances I think we both truly deserve.

The trains in my head will never fully stop, and that’s ok. I feel ready to go home. I feel ready to attempt to live in a world without fear.

And, for the sake of Nate and every single way our short friendship changed me- I just want to allow myself to forget, but always remember to remember.

[floral-elixir]

i guess i should give a real update now that people follow me again haha.

idk. i love ryan so much. that boy really is just everything to me. i could not have asked for a better partner to be in love and do life with and i am so happy about the progress jacqi and i have made in our friendship too. polyamory is great and has made navigating my emotions and being able to self sooth so much easier. i’m able to communicate what’s going on with me and say what i need now instead of expecting my partner to pry and get the real answer. i can’t believe i went so long doing that and getting upset that the only ppl who fell for it were also (surprise) very manipulative lmao.

i know that for as much progress as i’ve made, i also still have a shit load of work to do.

i’m very much the child of narcissists and have an avoidant attachment, though i’m working on being mindful of this and doing my best to be more open and secure in my attachments. i’m trying to be more vulnerable with people i don’t know well and be secure in my reality enough to not let them sway me or make me regret it.

dating is so fucking hard, though. every time i find someone cool, there is just this glaring thing that makes me sad. it’s usually some kind of drug dependency and while i hold zero judgement on that in a friendship space, i have to prioritize myself and not let that be something i will accept in a partnership anymore. i’ve not smoked weed for over a year and only took a tiny bit of edible for geni’s bday, so i could relax and fall asleep. my drinking has gone from a few nights a week to maybe once or twice a month. my bottle of adderall has had well over half of the 90 day supply in it for months now. my muscle relaxers i got prescribed from my rib injury, i’ve only taken them to help me sleep when i move too much during the day and feel the muscle starting to cramp again. i haven’t even thought about doing any actual drug off the streets in years. actually, it’s very rare to drink more than one day a week anymore, and honestly, for the better because i was recently diagnosed with fatty liver. i will say that i still struggle with knowing my limit and like to get wasted, but i gotta pull back the reigns on that too or i risk dying like my grandpa did with liver disease.

oh. another thing. i’m so fucking overweight because i stopped drinking and smoking weed. you’d think i’d drop weight from that but nope. can’t cope with weed or drink or drug or pill? time to eat garbage and game for hours, i guess.

i’m trying to turn that into a gym and skating habit though. i miss being skinny. i want to lose the 110lbs i’ve gained the past 3 years.

anyway. if it’s not a drug/alcohol dependency, it’s an attachment style mismatch. i can’t do anxious attachment at all. i don’t have the spoons or bandwidth to text back every hour, especially when i’m working because i work with literal fucking acids and can’t put my focus anywhere else but on what i’m doing. it’s always so hard to put that boundary up too because i KNOW saying that we are incompatible in communication expectations leads to losing an otherwise cool friend but, ya know, it is what it is.

sometimes i want to leave houston. other times, i just could never leave it. it’s sweaty, it’s awful, i hate living here during the allergy seasons so bad, but i have everything i could ever ask for here. the little life i’ve built here means so much to me. i would probably do great in portland or seattle or chicago or new york. but would i like it as much? who knows.

in any case, i’ve decided that i’m going to start ivf treatments in two years with a sperm donor. i want to be a mom. i don’t have anyone in my life who i’d trust enough to be their dad and i am not letting that stop me. insane, prolly. but i make great money now and i know i could do it very easily, childcare costs in mind and all. i am starting to consider using a surrogate though. pregnancy is horrifying.

[airbnbfestivals]

Recent Tales from a Shared Hosting after 1+ year

-"We didn't know you live here!!!"

No matter how many ways I state that I live in the house, I still regularly get feedback from people who, upon arrival, are surprised that, to quote from my last guests' message, "We didn't know was a share house." I read this whilst in my bed, in my room, having heard them arrive and not yet asleep. It is an odd feeling knowing you are in your own house, and others have arrived hoping for a nice stay, but are instead perhaps horrified that, "some guy is also in this house...." Just a couple of months ago, a family arrived and I was asked to meet the man down stairs. I had this very awkward conversation with him as he explained how extremely uncomfortable his family now was, upon realizing I live here. I have announced in the opening sentence of my Listings' description that me and my dog live here. I then state clearly I live in the house in the opening sentence of the opening paragraph of "Guest access." Also, this year, a woman messaged me just hours before their booking began, that she didn't realize I had a dog, her husband didn't like dogs, and it would be a problem. I was nice, but worked with Airbnb to cancel the reservation.

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-Makeup:

it will be the real reason we finally colonize Mars ... for the red of it. I just don't get it. I'm done buying nice rags and towels. Also, no more makeup wipes. I'm a man, and I know far more about makeup now that I ever thought. It is indestructible. Certainly, it holds the secret to quantum physics. Once it is on a white rag or towel, that's it. It is not coming off. Bleach will destroy the cloth before removing the color. Oxyclean works best, but even it cannot overcome the stuff. I now buy cheap rags and towels and toss them with abandon. And black stuff ... black spots ... black spots everywhere (Buzz Lightyear meme). I go to clean the bathrooms and black smears appear all over. Wiping and more wiping before they are gone. They are on the counter top, the tile floor. So, I invested in Burt's Bees makeup wipes. They went unused. I finally asked a female friend, she says, "yea, I don't like those. Nothing works better to get makeup off than a rag." Welp, that explains it. Cleaning today, my paper towel turned blood red. What is this?!?!? oh.. makeup. I had to clean the counter top 3 times before red stopped flowing. And it got in the jacuzzi some how. Idgi. I don't fight it either.

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-Hammer Time!!!

I'm in my room when two young women with a young boy are staying. I hear hammering. It didn't last a very long time, but, after they left I found what was the source, or rather work bench, for the hammering: my jacuzzi bath. Chinks are now in it. They were missed until I cleaned. Upset, but talked to a plumber friend and can prolly fix with resin for not _tons_ of money. I just don't feel like pursuing reimbursement with Airbnb, and I am not eager to take money from a young, single mother. The kid was precious, just needed more parenting maybe.

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-Food:

I have to admit, I have benefitted far more from the food, detergents and things guests leave behind than I have lost, but this morning, I just couldn't wait to eat my egg white, avocado, toasted sandwich for breakfast. I squashed two avocados, fried the eggs, seasoned, I went for the bread and.... yep, they took it. There was too much to eat while here and I just saw it. I also lost another iPhone charging cord. No big. I got extra butter out of it and another can of monster in my fridge.

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-Call me outside Airbnb:

Yet another attempt at this. I am polite and tell people this isn't allowed before booking. Turns out, the last person was an Airbnb host!!! They wanted to swap nights instead of paying, but I has no interest in going to Topeka....

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-Friends:

I am very social / extravert. The man who met me downstairs explaining how traumatized his family was, ended up talking to me for hours. Both he and his wife wouldn't let me get away too easy as we chatted and chatted during their stay. Another guy -- who also announced he and wife had no clue I live here -- still texts me to this day over hobbies we share. I like people. This works well for me.

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That's it for now. I like my Airbnb, and for those folks who continue to say, "I just can't imagine staying in an Airbnb where someone _actually_ lives there...." It's called Air BNB!!! It's a Bed and Breakfast!!!

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It's odd. I guess Airbnb has turned into, "hotel" to folks.

Original post here =+-+= Get $20 off your first AirBnB stay.

[totallytubulargirl]

Since the mutations n tmnt work by turning u into the last animal u touched, how would the guys react to it happening to their gfs whether they turned into a turtle or a rat??? Bonus, she's horrified at herself, how would they react to that as well?

Hi ok lol I know it took me a while to answer this but here goes. Raphael: Ok if hi so turned into a turtle Raphaels confidence with them would go THROUGH the roof. If we take a moment to look back at that video on YouTube from nickelodeon, where the turtles turn human to get free pizza, you'll see that Raphael, although usually he keeps to himself, he gets really cocky all of a sudden as a human. So I think Raphael would finally feel like he deserves a chance at least. So there would be a lot of dick wagging in front of his brothers. Like kissing you for long periods of time in front of them, making you moan, basically lots of PDA. NOW that being said if she happened to find herself extra hideous then I think Raphael would feel angry (oh thanks no duh) and it would make him feel LESS worthy. I also think though, that once our beloved hot head cooled down, he would talk you through it because he feels the exact same way about himself. Donnie: I think Donnie would feel a little more comfortable around her as a turtle, he'd have a lot of fun explaining the new science of her body to her. I think it might actually make him feel like he has to try harder or work harder to give her a better life. I think before being a human was a boundary, and she still was able to support herself, and Donnie could only have wishful thinking but NOW she would have to move into the sewers with them so he'd feel like. "Wow I need to give my girlfriend a good life." He'd start freaking out prolly. If she did think she was like horribly ugly, I think Donnie wouldn't get mad, i think he'd understand that you were going through a transition and talk you through it, if you were upset for longer then appropriate is when he'd get upset. "You really think so lowly of yourself, then what do you think of me?" would be his mindset. Leo: Leo would be... taken aback by your transformation. He'd probably be all over you at first. He'd have to remind himself to cool it in front of his family. He'd also probably be like "you have to be a ninja now" because obviously you're a turtle now and every mutant turtle in the world is already a ninja, so it just kind of makes sense. So he'd teach you maybe with katanas or maybe with your own weapons. If you thought you were ugly, Leo would not take that lightly as in like he'd be really offended. Because he's a turtle, his whole family is turtles, he'd be all "if you don't like me or my family there's the door." He wouldn't understand that him or his family is not the issue, it's yourself. Mikey: Mikey's love would be unshakable, it would be the same amount and the same intensity haha. He loves you unconditionally and you changing into a turtle or rat, would not change that. BUT if you did think you were ugly that would probably hurt Mikey more then anything. Like you know how sometimes depression or anxiety will tell you "these people aren't really your friends they have ulterior motives." Yeah that's what Mikey would feel like. He'd be like "she doesn't love me she thinks turtles are ugly then what's the real reason she's with me?" He'd start sneaking around a lot more, you'd probably start thinking he was cheating on you or something but really he'd be trying to get the scoop on you. Eventually figuring out that all you need is reassurance and affirmation.

[smartoptionsio]

ICO REKT “Sh*t coins, that are not even worth Sh*t…”

In short ICOs are REKT… Period end of story… How did we get here? What can we do to FIX IT? I have spent the past month doing a deep dive into many different matrices of ICO prices/holdings along with how the ICO companies are progressing with their plans… In doing so I am left disgusted and dismayed of the pure greed and absolute fraud-ridden landscape that makes up our current ICO space. Many ICOs were nothing more than money grabs by greedy well-spoken liars. Hence with the realization the downward one-way ticket to ride of many of the ERC-20 Tokens, along with the magic unicorn Ethereum that shat out these magic poop coins. Smart contracts? For who? Smart for the ICO teams/sellers who raised the funds maybe, but not for the investors/hodlers of the tokens. The majority of these ICO companies will slowly sell their ETH at some point going forward and simply fold/vanish/disappear. Only a very minor few will survive the ICO apocalypse as each of them turns into the living dead… Etherum is a poisoned well of this coming ICO apocalypse IMO. I will share with you below my thoughts findings and a solution to pull Ethereum back to shining star status, btw if you are an anonymity nut, well phuck off this article is not for you. Privacy is one thing, but anonymity is the calling card of criminals/thieves in business/money.

The fundamental problem = NO ACCOUNTABILITY… 

That is the real problem of the current ICO market, there is no accountability, hence you have a high number of scams/shams with the ICO promoters/teams who’s alignment is not the same as their token holders. Sure many of the ICO teams would love to see their token value increase and do have stakes in said tokens, but in my findings, it is a secondary thought to them. They get the funds raised and the equity in the coin along with unregulated control to exact their will on the marketplace. I am horrified of just how many of them view their token holders as not investors, but rather just donators = free money for their storytelling skills. Problem is they promoted their ICOs as an

–> INVESTMENT <–

Keyword here, not as a donation as the Breitmans of Tezos would like you to believe. This attitude is why many of them will end up in court and even possibly prison. These very actions are the very bedrock of what is killing Etherum and the ICO marketplace.

*** PLEASE NOTE – Some viewers may find the further reading of this article disturbing. Parental discretion is advised. *** 

Wow, my sh*t coin is not even worth a handful of sh*t…

At least with a handful of sh*t, you have something, with ICO tokens you don’t even have that… 

Yes that is right, owning tokens in the vast majority of cases you have no equity/voting rights or anything but a token, in many cases they are not even exchange-traded as the ICO companies are often too cheap to even list them on a liquid exchanges, to add insult to injury many of these projects are not even bothering to create the product/technology they agreed to in the first place. In short, they have the money and you have their empty promises. That is why in the future and as you read further along in this article is the need to tie the token to equity/rights in the ICOs, outside of the purely conceptual nature it resides in now. Let’s take Reggie Middleton, CEO of Veritaseum, he stated emphatically in his Telegram chatroom:

 “One more time, buyers of our VERI tokens are not investors in Veritaseum. You have purchased our prepaid fees and expenses. This was clearly stated and outlined in the documents that you agreed upon purchasing the tokens from us.”

How many fellow CEO’s of the ICO landscape think this way!? Veri Veri scary, pun intended lol. If that is not bad enough Reggie wishes to bring back E-Gold which he now calls VE-Gold, uhmmm Reggie E-Gold was shut down by the U.S. government long ago, so you might want to rethink that! I wonder in the future how long it will be until we see him and others in court, all a ticking time bomb to me…

Many ICOs think of our investments as donations… 

That is right, take for example Tezos run by a nerdy couple of puppets that were at the strings of cutthroat financiers, hence all the lawsuits vs them. Recently they tried to have the lawsuit in the U.S. dismissed on the basis of their ICO being just donations, a $232 million dollar donation lol, then they wonder why they are being sued!? The judge denied that along with he prolly was rolling on the floor laughing in the back of the courtroom for an hour, is my bet. Yes, many companies are using the unregulated nature of the blockchain just for money grabs. Worse is they own large amounts of ETH from their raises still that will be future supply in the market, as many of them will fold and exit the space because they really had no other intentions outside of getting paid from the HYPE that occurred in the past. Imagine how this played out. You are an ICO come out with a white paper/coin/team etc etc, raising a large sum of ETH of which in the past was valued much higher price points from investors, you then take those funds and resell it over time into the market back at a lower price, along with in many cases they will liquidate their own coins as well. All of this adding insult to injury with no product or completion of their stated goals. But look on the bright side! We people in the crypto space are SUPER CHARITABLE!!! 

    Many ICOs if they do complete their projects, produce crap, hence validating their sh*t coin status… 

Augur another horror story that too is in court, worse with their project, which just to get a beta of their platform out, took over 3 years!? The software was not even alpha quality IMO, it looks like they hired programmers off of fiverr it was so bad. They also figured out somewhere along the line that they could not have the marketplace, because they would be sued. No Augur markets it as a protocol alone, great vision there! So here again IMO we have an example again that reaks of just a money grab, and pure incompetence at that. When you have financiers backing fools just like with Tezos you get these kinds of results. Read this if you want a further understanding of how sad this is, along with this and if that does not beat all, then take a look at the quality of the people involved such as Liston, one of the founders of Augur!?  This again looks like puppets of financiers to me. Worse they produced assignation markets which the president of my country is on!? Oh man, that p*sses me off and I hope the U.S. government has some words with them in the future.

    Look Ma I am THE FED! I can just print more TOKENS!

Showing just how bizarre and corrupt the space is with no regulation and oversite to be found, we take a look at Edenchain, who I guess took their name literally with the garden of token creation too. Oh hold on, it gets even better, look at Envion who raised $100 million, Nioooocee! Later on Matthias Woestmann, CEO of Envion was locked out of the project by his own coders! He then created a website to accuse the other team members of creating the additional tokens, along with all the problems caused etc etc. Read the statement by CEO Woestmann – yet later with a court ruling, we find it was him that created the tokens instead! https://envion-founders.org/

Wtf is all I am left with over and over again. After reading, you don’t think trust, I just get the urge to run!  Ironically both groups printed the 40% amount of additional tokens. Wonder if they use the same coders? Do they not know the dilutive effects and what a bad precedent this sets!? Do they even care? How many other ICOs will just print more tokens or who knows what interesting schemes they will come up with to feed the greed, it is not like they have to answer to anybody and certainly not their investors, oops I mean donators…

So how do we fix this and move forward… 

I can rant all day about all of the atrocities I have seen in the ICO space along with the damage I believe it will have on ETH with lingering effects out into the future.

“Vitalik Buterins biggest failure was his success…” 

I myself will not be participating in ICOs in any way shape or form until they are restructured in the future to offer token holders real value. It is not hard to fix the problems, though many won’t like this, mainly because it falls in line with the government ideology. Simply put the space needs to mature or die. These are smart contracts, let us make them really smart. Right now they are not, they are dumb to own contracts. People are no longer buying the hype of the ICO market. It is a wreck on the side of the road, of which most just gawk at in passing. Here are the 4 fundamental elements that are needed for the basis of what I will quote “Kay the CEO of Spectre” as a

TBO = Tokenized Business Offering. *

*which come with

Equity Rights

Voting Rights

KYC

Taxation

There are a few other elements we can add here to the TBO, but the four key ones are what really matter, for both the individual and government. I discussed/debated with the Kay the CEO of Spectre the past few weeks my ideas/finding of the ICO space, being he is a CEO of an ICO who I still hold in high regard, mainly because they took a dying asset class/marketplace full of corrupt players and with blockchain created a fair marketplace for its users. He too is dismayed by the space and wishes for it to correct itself in grand fashion, why can’t it? Blockchain, if you can imagine it, you can create it, or correct it.

Blockchain is in its pure nature, freedom… The freedom to correct and improve with great speed even. Kay has a pedigree/history being from the FinTech space, not just some kids/random people with an idea and backing from viperous financiers. Though even with his company’s ICO raise he admitted one of the same fundamental flaws, that those who bought their tokens own nothing of the company, though that is certainly not his mindset or actions, as he holds himself accountable and acts with fiduciary responsibility, that just about everybody else in this space does not.

The problem is

“We own a token.”

No equity, No rights, just a token… Which to me really sounds like more of a donation. So my mindset now is just that, and I have donated enough! I believe in a tokenized company like Spectre, along with their vision, they hit their goals and live by their words, though they still suffer from that fundamental flaw of the ICO, and with the actions of many others who are not like Kay, I am stuck with this picture in my head of ICO CEO/Teams busy at home binge-watching Netflix and smoking a spliff, Image of Augur specifically pops in my mind lol. Many ICOs mean well and are far from a scam, the TBO structure will allow legitimate projects to succeed and eliminate poor projects from ever starting in the first place…

To end my rant… 

This article has been more of a purge for me of the toxic buildup brewing for the past months, it has to be said and released from my system. Hey, I am an optimist, maybe some of these companies will produce something great that we just can’t see happening yet. There is a good probability for this due to the sheer amounts of crypto everybody threw at them alone. Remember ICOs can be FIXED! TBOs, as I will refer to them are the way. TBOs are not ICOs/STOs which again both are conceptual, even if the later has a few more transparencies to it, though with TBOs you can have a bit of built-in leeway, depending on the desires of the teams. You can classify TBOs being in two tranches, one being startup TBOs that are STOs and have no traction and then TBOs that are of existing private SMEs that don’t wish to access traditional equity market channels (example being a well to do family office that wants to tokenize some of their equity = great for the space) We need only change our focus and look for a solution to what obviously is not working. As space matures, we have to grow up and leave the hype/foolishness behind. Concepts/ideas alone are not good enough to be worth money. I want cold hard equity/rights and phucking accountability! Too many of these goofballs run amock because they have nobody to answer to, that has to change or else, enjoy the sh*t show. I for one will no longer be watching, time to change the channel …

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