#promotes myself even though i'm going on hiatus

[avianyuh]

Heyyy❣️ can i get one where Taeyong is the MC for mnet countdown and he gets to interview the reader (which was his ex) and she went on hiatus for several years and makes a huge comeback

Thanks

Ooooo this sounds interesting!

---------

In the time I was away from promoting I really tried to work on myself. I felt like before my break that I was spiraling. I had ignored it all for as long as I could.

The sleepless nights and the deprivation that came along with it. The paranoia of being watched 24/7, being followed. The nasty comments under my pictures, music videos, stages and interviews. This all became too much to ignore, especially when I lost him.

Two busy people in a relationship is never a good idea. Especially when one of you has a highly female, protective fanbase. No one knew we were ever dating, Taeyong and I.

But the constant fear of getting exposed, revealed and having our careers derailed left a gaping hole between us. This was why wehn he called it off, I didn't even feel like fighting for him, though a part of me deep down wanted to.

I felt like I could never allow myself to get overly attached to him. I think he felt the same way.

We met through a friend. Someone who had worked in the makeup department for both of us at different times. It wasn't a set up or anything, but when we were introduced. When our eyes met and we shook hands, the connection was immediate.

We exchanged numbers, texted for weeks and finally made time to see each other.

We dated for about a year and a half. He was my favorite person. He became my support system. He drowned out the hate comments, the negativity, I slept better with him in my bed at night.

It all blew up in our faces when someone took pictures of us and sent them to both of our companies.

Mine didn't seem to care, but SM was adamant that the pictures could never get leaked. They argued that he was the leader of his group and that it would cause too many problems. He fought with the company as long as he could but ultimately they won.

Taeyong showed up at my door, tears in his eyes and all he said was, "I'm so sorry".

I felt my heart sink and with that last visit from him, my support system was gone. Suddenly I felt alone again.

I took some time off. I had no drive to write any music, let alone sit and record it.

My company kept me busy with some brand deals, some variety show appearances and soundtracks for shows.

But eventually the show must go on. My company sat me down and laid out a comeback for me.

It was a summer song, a song about love.

So I recorded it, learned a choreography and filmed a music video.

Then came the big day to promote it. All went well, the song was doing great on the charts, but as I sat in my car with my manager on the way to MC Countdown, I felt sick to my stomach after hearing an important piece of news.

"Taeyong is the MC..."

Shit, I thought.

I hadn't seen him in over a year by that point. Now I had to face him.

*

By the time I had finished my performance. I had to do the interview.

"Y/n, I hear this song is about a summer romance? Do you have any wishes for the summer?", the other MC asked.

I looked at her and tried to not notice Taeyong's stare as I answered back with, "The love I'm looking for is the love of my fans." I tried to keep my composure for the remainder of the interview.

*

By the time we finished, I tried to rush off as fast as I could. But I could hear his foot steps behind me as I walk back towards the dressing room.

"Y/n, why'd you stop returning my calls?", he questioned when he finally caught up to me. When I stopped to look at him, I could see the pain in his expression.

"I couldn't continue talking to you. I couldn't be your friend Taeyong. It would've been too painful."

"It was more painful having to go on without you", he said, moving closer towards me. I stepped backwards, trying to keep my distance.

"You're not allowed to be with me. Us together would cause too many problems. I can't be friends with you because I still have feelings for you.", I thought that maybe if I explained why we couldn't stay in contact he'd back off but it just made him inch closer.

"I still have feelings for you", he whispered, cupping my face with his hands. I tried to back up again, but found myself hitting a wall.

"No Taeyong. You broke up with me. I'm surprised they even let you come on here knowing I was performing. It's been a year and I'm trying to move on. Nothing's changed, you're still not available." , I explained, lightly pushing him back. "I'd be willing to try this again when you don't have to sneak around", I said. I looked up at him and caressed his cheek, giving him a sad smile before I maneuvered around him and walked away.

**

{A/N: Not a happy ending for this couple. Maybe I'll do a follow up/part two??? Anyways, thank you to anon. Also guys sorry for any typos, I speed wrote this lol. Okay, I love you all so much!!!!!!!!, Mwah💋💋💋💋💋💋💋}

[thatcanadianfangirl]

JJ Maybank// Healing Takes Time Pt.2

JJ Maybank X Jade (Booker) Routledge

Plot: When Jade is all alone at the chateau falling asleep on the hottest night of the year she hears a loud noise that makes her skin crawl. She discovers JJ on the sofa after what seems like a run-in with the kooks again. With some reluctance he allows his best friend's Twin to patch him up. Falling apart in her clutch that night she discovers that the clash he experienced earlier was something deeper than just some lousy rich boy. He returns to her every time it occurs, he never talks and always leaves before Jade stirs away. That is until one day he does.

Word Count: 4.7k+

Disclaimer: Brother's bestfriend, slow burn, talks of domestic abuse, and mentions of underage drinking. minor writing errors even though this is edited.

{Part One}

----

The excruciating heat from the summer sun had made sleep too uncomfortable to keep. Sweat began to latch onto every inch of my body like a second skin. I felt drowsy as my mind began pulling to the front again.

The empty space beside me still radiated warmth from the boy who occupied it last night. A strange feeling of lost overwhelmed me at the knowledge of JJ escaping while I was unconscious. But there also was a foreign and very pleasant emotion starting to plant its-self.

What the fuck is happening to me?

With a cat nap stretch I grasps the most ancient iPhone I've laid eyes on, but it was $500 dollars cheaper than a brand new one, I shouldn't be complaining. Three hours before my shift at the Pelican Yacht Club and another hour ahead of my alarm. Unfortunately there's no chance of me passing out again with the temperatures so high today.

With a heavy heart I scoured the house just incase JJ decided to relocate himself. Every room was completely vacant and there was no sign of life anywhere. John B still appeared to on hiatus and the concern began fluttering. That kid better have the decency to send me a text soon.

After a hot shower I still felt mentally exhausted from the night I had with JJ. It shattered my heart to see him that vulnerable, that broken. I want that prick to drown himself six-hundred feet under the sea. Jay wasn't anything close to perfect but he definitely didn't deserve to be beaten by the one person who was suppose to protect him.

I hoped that blonde boy didn't escape back home to that sorry excuse of a man he was forced to call dad. My throat tightened and it was hard to contain the burning tears.

I took my time preparing myself. I wasn't a fan of your every day kook but with the pay my promotion brought just about made up for it.

Capturing my Jeep keys, I made my way out of the Chateau and through the porch. The yard was Pogue-less and the Twinkie was not in her original spot. Where the hell was my brother? Although my day would go a lot more seamless if I knew where he was. I'm still passive-aggressive towards him for leaving me in that damned place alone.

With the spare time and extra cash I had I was able to grab a bite to eat and hit up the gas station. I really needed to get mobile minutes and fill up the Jeep for the rest of the week.

----

I was relived to be sitting at the reception desk in the cool air conditioned building. Watching a few others from the cut maintaining and fuel up various boats out on the docks. A job I had last year and frankly didn't miss for a single second. Taking this job serious was the best decision I've made in my entire life.

Through the glass door I could see a familiar SUV pulling up front. I spotted Kiara, another friend of my twin brother. She rounded the rear and started for the front doors. I consider Kie a friend of mine as well, she often pulled me along with them. Always mentioning how nice it was to have another girl around to balance out that intoxication masculine energy.

"Good evening, Miss Carrera. Is there anything I help you with today?" I announced in my service voice once she walked through the doors. She flashed me a mischievous grin and I swore I could giggle at the sight.

Kiara wore a vibrant and suitable outfit for the hot weather. She always had such a fun style making me yearn for a body I didn't have. I loved my curves but the hope for Kiara donating to my empty closet was almost comparable. It was hard to find cute discounted or thrifted clothing in my size.

"Yes, Miss Routledge I need the Carrera's Princess y72 fueled and prepped for an evening trip to the mainland." She held an elegant tone and straighten her posture as she addressed me.

I forced a laugh down and continued to play along with our ruse. "Not a problem, It'll be ready for 3:00pm. How does that sound?"

"That simply will not do." She shook her head and both of her front braids followed. "Did you not hear me? I said evening trip." I almost chocked sensing how much she struggled to keep the kook behavior.

"My apologies Miss Carrera. How does 5:00pm sound instead." I offered,

"Yes, why couldn't you just get it right the first time?" she pawed the air in displeasure.

It took two seconds before we fell into a fit of laughter so hard it began to hurt. Her dark skin starting to turn pink as she gasped for air and it only made me laugh harder.

The clearing of ones voice had me swallowing down the ounce of happiness I had today. Fear washed over me as I spotted my boss Pike, standing a few feet away. Arms crossed over his lean chest as he analyzed the scene before him.

"Sorry, sir." I croaked.

He approached the reception desk and leaned his body weight against it. With firm green eyes he stared me down. At the tense anticipation I prepared myself for a scolding. A small one, but a scolding nonetheless.

Glancing at Kiara I could have sworn her eyes almost rolled out of their sockets. I opened my mouth to investigate my punishment but nothing came out.

"Loosen up kid." He breaks into humorous smile. "You dedicated so much to this company and as long as you're doing your job I don't care who comes to visit you during your shift." He shrugs nonchalantly.

The sword above my head vanished into thin air and my lungs began filling back up with oxygen again. "You have no idea how good it feels to hear you say that. I was worried you were fed up with me." I say with a smile of appreciation.

"I could never be, just keep up the good work." He replies with a wink and a too friendly smile as he began retreating.

"As always." I speak over my shoulder watching his tall frame disappear behind the pristine blue wall. My presentable mannerism fleeting my being once my attention clung onto Kiara again.

"Now what were you going to ask me before you almost got me fired." I sassed and gave her a lighthearted glare.

She scoffs dramatically and says "If anything I pushed you closer to the manager position. Pike really seems to be impressed with your work ethic." Kiara's face softened and I couldn't help the proud smile spreading onto my lips at the adoration swirling in her brown eyes.

"Maybe," I shrug. "But it's a tinsey bit fetched considering I'm part-time for ten months out of the year." I say knowing this might be it for me.

"You'll get there, I promise." She says it like she too understood the hardships of living on the cut. As if she had to take bread from the clearance shelf and store it in the freezer. Or fill five dollar condition half way when it was a quarter way empty.

I could taste the bitterness trying to over take this tender moment I was sharing with Kie. I despised myself for every comparing my life against hers. Sure it was unfortunate I born into poverty, but it wasn't her fault she had all these advantages in life.

"I'll hold you to it." I tease lassoing back that buoyant atmosphere we held minutes ago.

"Good." She nods. Her heart is too big for this world.

"Now when do you get off work?" She asks innocently twirling one of her braids with her finger, "I think Seven, why? What do you have planned for tonight?" I asked cautiously. Last time she asked me this I got alcohol poisoning from a 'little' kegger as she put it. Those few days I've spent in the hospital wasn't exactly my idea of a good time.

"Don't worry it's nothing too crazy. We're going surfing tonight and I wanted you to come. I know you cant resist a good wave or two. Plus you can show us some of those tricks we can never get down."

My eyes caught movement through the glass doors again. Leaning against Kie's vehicle was none other than JJ himself. My breathe caught in my throat at seeing him for the first time since last night. He was wearing John's clothes telling me he hasn't gone home yet. His blonde hair was no longer matted in sweat and was now looking perfect again.

His eye looked swollen and I cursed that boy for not fetching something from the ice box. His sewn eyebrow was starting to purple. Despite his face, I found the guy so unbelievably attractive.

Kiara noticed my glance was lingering a little too long past her shoulder and trailed my gaze.

Shit!

She's about to discover that her best friend is the only one in a mile radius and blow the entire thing out of the water.

"Was that sew up job yours?"

"No, I haven't seen JJ since last week." I lied and instantly regretted it, Kiara knew I say him two days ago in my backyard. Circling the fire, roasting marshmallows and having a few light drinks.

A knowing glint sparkled in her eyes and she nodded her head. "Right." She finally says dragging the word on for decades. I shook my head in agreement but feeling guilty that I knew she knew I was lying through my damn teeth.

I had no clue why I was trying to keep the patch up job I did on JJ's face under wraps. I've done it a million times and none of them thought it was scandalous before, I've never shoved it under a rock before either. I didn't plan on hiding it, but I wanted to keep that vulnerable moment to myself. I'm not confident on who was aware of his fathers abuse and I wasn't going to crumble the sliver of trust he has with me.

"So whose all going to be there?" I asked reminding myself to wash my sins away later.

"The usually, John B, Pope, Sarah, me and...Jayj." She left Jay's name for last and I fucking knew it was trap, but I still looked past her and at the golden boy again. This will be at the top of the stupidest shit I've done and it's a long list. It didn't take a rocket scientist to understand he was avoiding eye contact with me. Understandable and yet it still pinched.

'I'll be ready by 7:30." I said not really having the energy for it, but I needed to get rid of her before she had the chance to question my odd behavior towards him.

Kie was quiet for a minute reading into my soul. "Okay. Not a minute later." Kiara finally declares starting to walk backwards, towards the automatic doors. The knowing glint that I was holding something back was still evident in her eyes.

I smile in agreement trying desperately to lock down the wariness that wanted to combust.

"I'll see you tonight, Surf Queen."

----

I'm completely wiped as I pull my green 1995 jeep Cherokee right beside the Twinkie. Cutting the engine I guided the stick shift into first gear and yanked the hand brake all the way up securing its parking spot.

Jumping out I winched as my feet hit the ground and the aching in my bones rattled up. The sight of my brother finally home had me forgetting all about the rage I was holding for him. He was surrounded by his friends, sharing the cheapest case of liquor Maybank could get his hands on and having the best time. My heart glowed at his found family. I

I stayed there awhile watching them before I announced my arrival. I admired the way they all could get lost in one another's company and not hear the loud engine of my jeep approaching.

I'm so drained from my shift, But I already promised Kie I'd tag along. I wasn't prepared to struck a crack into another friendship. The more time I spent with Kie the more I seen her as a real friend. And as much as I hated it, it was time to slip that mask on again.

"Holy shit Is that my twin brother as I live and breathe." I spoke loudly capturing everyone's attention. Almost all of them cheered for my appearance and it nearly felt like I was one of them.

If I wasn't the glorious JB's twin sister I wouldn't try so hard to distance myself. I'm my own person and I wanted to make it clear I was separate from my brother. I'm nothing like him or our father dropping everything to search for long forgotten treasure. It's extremely hard being a twin but it was absolutely brutal being a Routledge twin. Especially for one who didn't have her own circle of friend and trying to hijack one of his. Maybe I needed an animal companion or a boyfriend, probably both.

"Jade! I was wondering when you'd get your little butt down here." Pope hollers over with a giant welcoming grin. "I missed you too, Pope." I chuckled at his enthusiasm and returned a warm smile that didn't take up too much energy.

Pope is definitely someone you could hangout with after a long day of work and talk about the mysteries of the universe. He was loyal like the rest of them were and is always the one to knock sense into anyone who needed it.

Forcing my body onto the porch I engulfed John into a bone crushing embrace. He returned it and I clung on tighter to him. Being in his grasp felt like a warm bed and a home cooked meal. Coos and awes could be heard from the Pogues behind us murmuring something about sibling love.

"Please don't ever leave me in this house alone ever again. If you do I will sink a knife in all four tires on the Twinkie." I croaked into his chest.

Letting go me he grabbed each of my shoulders, "Did something happen last night?" He bursts out frantically, concern etched into his facial features.

on instinct my eyes drifted from his and focused on the blonde boy. It was only for a split second but JB caught it and looked back. I could skin myself alive if that were ever possible. Jay still refused to look at me and shrugged at what I assumed is an accusatory glare. His posture was lose as if he wasn't sporting my stitches on his eyebrow.

"I left the front door open." I started distracting him from his locked gaze, "A deer must've wandered in. It spooked me pretty bad." I said the first tale that floated into my brain.

"were you harmed?" John follows even the doubt swam in his eyes.

"No I-I managed to scare it out of the house." I stuttered,

"Well that explains why my floorboard was popped and the bat left in the hallway." JB notes humorously and that's when it dawned on me that I forgot about the damned bat.

How could I forgot? Oh right! There was a certain broken blonde boy crying in my arms last night.

"Yeah." I say guilty and nod my head weakly.

"I'm just glad you're okay." He says, petting my hair comfortably and I fought the urge to ask him why he cared, he's never here and I needed him in the long moments I thought someone broke in. But this wasn't the time to bring up how he's been a shitty brother lately. I wanted to savour this memory with him where he finally bothered care about me and I believed him.

"Let me get this straight." Pope says breaking the heartfelt aura. "Last night. You almost bashed a deer's brains in?" He finishes with a serious tone. It was so absurd that I struggled to keep a composed face.

"That's such a Routledge thing to do." Sarah comments, It almost caused me to shut down and call it day. I never confided in her about the twin conversation so I shouldn't be reacting to her comment the way I was.

"It's a very Jade thing to do in a dire situation." Kiara makes an effort to over shine her comment. She understood just how much I battled to accept that me and John were so much a like in too many ways to deny.

I gave her a grateful smile, thankful for her words. She tipped her head in acknowledgment "I'll be out in ten. I still need to grab my board from the shed." I mumbled heading into the house.

"Of course, take your time." Kiara replies gently,

"Me and JJ, are going to pack your board onto the Jeep for you." JB calls before I hear him barrel off the steps and almost trip and fumble to the ground. John is a good brother don't get me wrong but I missed him being around all the time.

I understood his determination to pick up dad's treasure map where he left off, it has been weeks since his disappearance. I miss the old guy like I lost every too, but I didn't ignore our situation to chase after a ghost ship. I'm the only one keeping us above water and I needed him to realize how much I craved for him to be my brother again. He's the only family I have left.

------------

Three vehicles and six boards later we arrived at the beach. Kiara and JJ in her SUV, me and Pope in my Jeep, the Greenie, and lastly Sarah and John in the Twinkie.

Strangely enough the beach was so scare we could all park together near the sand. It's hitting the golden hour an absolute stunning even to catch a few wave, so gorgeous that it wounded my soul to see it deserted

I knew pope was giving me an odd look as the others started uphauling their boards while I stayed in my seat. I admired the view I was able to experience in this point in time, absolutely breath taking. Ever since the day I rode my very first wave with the help of a certain golden retriever boy. I could hear the ocean wailing for me like a lost soulmate in the wind.

It has been a long time my first love.

"There everyone goes, leaving us behind..." Pope trails longingly,

I roll my eyes and shake my head at his dramatics. "All of you are always go go go, or too wrapped up in each other to just stop, and really enjoy the scenery around you that this earth has given us."

Being here with them gave me a knew found sense of home, like I wasn't just here living this life alone. I think it's time I let these pogues wiggle their way into being there for me. It'll take some time for me to allow them and get more comfortable with being in their presence more. But I'm willing to try for myself, for John, for the Pogues.

Pope is quiet weighing in my spoken thoughts, "You're right I really need to appreciate it a lot more, but right now isn't the time. It seems we're holding everyone up."

I whipped my head fast enough for it to strain and begin to throb in pain. A few feet away I spotted Kie with her board tucked under her one arm and resting against her hip. An expecting look displayed onto her soft features, behind her Sarah and John were beckoning me forward.

JJ was already at the shore line, the high tides crashing into his ankles. He stuck his gaze to the front of the Greenie. Wearing John's bright red shirt that had a white lobster on the chest confirming my suspicion of further injury. Jay was comfortable with his muscular build and it was unusual to find him sporting a shirt while surfing. He must be hiding from the others as well knowing they'd raise havoc at the new found information.

was I bad person for wanting him to really see me? look at me and acknowledge the night we shared? I knew the pain he faced and the time he needed to numb his trauma over. Maybe when he looked at me he was reliving it all again in a rush of conflicted emotion.

One look was all I craved. Just a tiny glance into those storming blue eyes.

"Are you ready?" Pope asks, gentle hopefulness danced in his dark brown eyes. It dawned on me then like a bucket of ice. They had thought I was going to leave like I've done a few times before. This time was different because I truly wanted to be here with them.

"Yeah, I'm ready, Pope." I say grateful for his patience,

Unclasping our boards, Pope jogged alongside me catching up with the rest of them. Soon he fell into step with John B, both of them rush towards their blonde counter part. Kiara and Sarah flanked me and it almost felt like they knew everything that happened last night. Waiting for me to spill but there was not a single thing to share. Nothing happened and I seemed to be reading into it too much.

"Are you okay? You seemed to be hesitating?" Kie asks as we reached the ocean kneeling onto our boards and paddling out. Entering the water gave me this soft security and had woken my sleeping muscles.

"Yeah." I said contently, "I was admiring how beautiful the ocean appeared in the golden hour."

"I love how you can just get lost in the nature around you. Finding the beauty in smallest of things," Sarah notes,

I shrug, " I was taught to appreciate what I was given." It wasn't a jab at their pedigree. It was more of we're different and that's not a terrible thing. They both hum understanding my words weren't malicious.

I felt complete in this moment, smiling at the both of them I could feel my mask breaking into pieces letting my true thoughts be known. It was a radiating feeling.

Looking behind me, the shore in the distance. I could sense we were at the perfect location to catch a few good waves. The others did too and halted their paddling and sat up onto their boards.

All six us stared at the wall of waves building and crashing just a few yards away. Rocking our boards once it rode out and reached past us.

"I love your bikini." Kie says, I look down at the old fading teal bikini. I got it at a thrift store two years ago and a few sizes too small. "You say that every time and you know damn well this is the only one I got." I say playfully and Kiara smiles giving me a wink.

Sarah shrugs, "Kie's right its so cute, but we should all go shopping for new ones. Like a girls day, god know we need it." She says poking her glance past us and we follow her gaze to see the boys barking at each other in deep tones and hyping themselves up.

We burst out laughing at how ridiculous they were being. Snapping their heads towards our laughter they glare teasingly, "What?!" They shout in unison, "What are you guys doing?" Kiara askes, "It looks very intimate." Sarah calls after.

It warmed my heart to JJ enjoying himself considering what he's been through in the last twenty-four hours. It nicked to know he could never be like that with me ever again.

"Our masculine chant." JB states,

"We need to level out the feminine vibe." Jay retorts aiming his words at me. I was stunned to say the least. It bent my heart and I swore that was the last time I ever helped him. it must've been written on my face because John reaches over and smacks him upside the head.

I coughed to over my laugh, but I couldn't help but feel like a fucking out cast again. Maybe letting them in wasn't the best idea.

"I didn't know your masculinity was so fragile, Jay." I spat,

"It's not!" He shot back desperately

"I'm catching the first wave." I blankly said, paddling for the wave. Behind me I could hear John giving JJ shit for treating me like some Kook whose fucking with his feelings.

My body took control catching the wave like I've done many times before. Everything with JJ and John forgotten like none of it happened and I was completely content with that. The adrenaline raced into my blood as I rode the wave with such perfect ease.

After padding back to my spot beside Kiara and Sarah, JJ went next. It was easy to detect that our surfing styles were similar. I would've loved that I replicated his style to the tee a year ago, but now it made me sick to my stomach.

"I've never noticed how you and JJ have the same style." Sarah comments and Kiara's attention snapped to me, I shrugged "JJ Taught me how to surf."

Sarah gave an amused look, "Really? I would've thought John B did." Kie laughs and I shook my head, "Nope." I popped the 'p' "The jackass was too busy laughing at me while I drowned."

"I was not!" John B yelled over catching our conversation,

"Keep telling yourself that buddy." Kie calls returning her attention back to our triangle. Pope snickers and John B squints his eyes at him," I would've taught her but Jayj was the better teacher."

"beside if John did teach me, I wouldn't be able to land a few of my tricks." I shrug,

"What happened between the two of you?' Sarah asks the one question I was dreading, But her eyes were hopeful and I truly wanted to be close friends with her.

"I'm wondering the same thing. We use to be good friends when we were younger, then one day he pulled away. Stopped hanging out with me and never shared anything with me. It was very cold turkey and so fucking strange."

"I'm sorry, that must've been confusing." She replies and I brush it off.

"Nothing I can do now." I say flatly. Noticing Kiara has been quiet I trailed my glace to her, a weak smile spread across her face and I could've sworn I saw guilt swirling in her brown eyes. She must know something that I didn't and I had the urge to dig deeper.

We stayed there for two more hours, surfing and showing off our technique. The sun was ready to disappear over the horizon and god was it gorgeous but it was time to bring it in.

Dragging our bodies near the shore I walked between the girls again. after a successful day session on the waves I felt emotionally and mentally full and healthy. It was as if the ocean had the ability to revive me.

"Are both of you still down to go bikini shopping?" Sarah askes,

"Yeah absolutely, Jade what about you?" Kie replies looking at me expectantly.

"Operation feminine energy is a go!" I shout to the rising moon. Both of them celebrate like they won a marathon, I join them and somehow feel like I'm apart of something outside of being a Routledge twin.

Ahead of us the boys give us weird looks and I couldn't careless, but the lingering glance from JJ had me conflicted. In his storm blue eyes I saw a flicker of regret and I found it hard to breathe.

I held a façade for Kiara and Sarah, but I felt utterly lost when it came to that boy. Carrying our boards back to the vehicles I tried to focus on our new found girl squad.

--

Pat two took so long because I changed quite a bit from the original piece and added over 1k words. I definitely restrained myself from writing more JJ it's just not time for them yet.

Part two took so long because I wanted to write more JJ, but it's not for it yet.

This is very slow burn and I truly wanted to write about what living on the cut was really like.

Thank you so much for reading It means the worlds you decided to read something I wrote. I love you.

[methuser02]

I'm Gauri, how are you? I'm beautiful

I'm not even 18 yet, 5'5 ig.

I'm back after 3 years & here's some bragging.

life was pretty chaotic when I last wrote here.

I loved writing, thus making me a content writer & soon i found myself amongst the corporates and entrepreneurs

As cool it might sound, the lonelier it is, at least sometimes. I fall in love with life every morning but

I cannot relate to my friends anymore, i live away from my family.

“a friend to all is a friend to none”

You know?

also, consequences of being an old school lover maybe.

Idk how to flirt with guys, I have flirted with just one guy, I'm not much into intimacy too like my friends are. Lol. Ik cliche.

But I love holding hands even though I don't remember when I held an opposite gender’s last time

Sometimes I want to go back to normal life, my hobbies went on a hiatus, especially my poems.

I hate that while growing up from a young age we're made to feel that we ought to have a “boyfriend” or a “girlfriend” from a very young age.

no one tells you how to love yourself and fill your own voids

I just crave to be loved.

You might argue, you're pretty young to ask for true love. Well I don't remember the last time i did something teens with a normal life do.

I'm glad that none of them are aware of my tumblr acc haha.

Not going to promote my LinkedIn or Instagram here

Much Love to each. one. of. you <3

@methuser02

[blackfinchart]

Promoting yourself is a sin

On Tumblr and I know that... ... ...

bbbbbbut I hate twitter, I just hate twitter, god, sun, moon, unknown lover through time immemorial, I hate twitter so much. I wont go, I can't go, don't make me go. Please m'lord I beg ye!

(composes myself)

I am, however, going to start up my weekly Art Stream again. I took a massive hiatus from making art "content" because of the caustic venomous quality that WORD by itself even has. I got super burnt out but I'm feeling like I can be more balanced with it this time.

IF YOU ARE A FOLLOWER OF MINE AND DO NOT WANT TO SEE MY STREAM UPDATES

I will be tagging them with [#magpie streams] which you can filter and then you'll only see my ravings and art posts.

I do genuinely hope you'll come around and hang out with me when I get around to it though (I think I'll start around the 17th of Feb?), as the community I've been undeservedly blessed with are STELLAR and kind and way more fun and cool than me tbh

[burstbombbitch]

it was nice taking a trip down memory lane and rereading the blog again. bon is a hell of a character and i hope you're resting well on hiatus. 恭喜发财 to you, bon. youve been through a lot. whatever rest youre getting youve earned and earned well.

i do so pretty often myself. just to remind myself of my growth as an artist, my growth as a writer, the fact that this stupid bitch got me diagnosed for autism, lots. i think about all the great stories i wrote, all the great people i met, all the wonderful people i still am friends with. i think about her a lot, i just hardly have the energy to deal with writing how i did, it takes me forever and i have... less time in the day!

especially recently, and in the future, because i'm getting a promotion soon. i also got directly asked to step up at work because one of our devs is on vacation for two weeks, leaving our senior dev a little overwhelmed. that being said, my hiatus has been well! i got some kudos for stepping up as asked. i'm aiming to do better, but man. software engineering hard. i plan to come back, though i don't have everything ready, and i'm deciding... i kinda don't need to.

her story in splatoon 3 kind of mirrors my exhaustion. i wanted to do some big reveal and whatnot, but i just don't have the time or energy. i can't believe it's even 2 am. i need to go to bed for dnd. but y'know, this and the silly other asks really warmed my heart. i'm so glad you think she's a good char. i worked super hard on her. and while i can't exert myself nearly as much as i did years ago, i wanna bring her back. she's just going to have a ... drastic change. in some ways, a rewind, but in others, not. it's interesting. ever look at yourself enjoying things once you hated? yeah.

... 恭喜发财. Thanks. I feel like I do deserve the rest. I wish I didn't have to play dead to get it. But... at least now I know who I'd rather be.

[expvrgction]

Hey. Charger here.

This is an out-of-character post and tagged as such-- As well as an important announcement. Even if it's not for you, then at least it is for me. Don't worry, it isn't anything life-threatening. I'm sorry for possibly having worried some, if not all of you.

You're in for quite a long read, so everything will be under "Keep Reading".

The last few months was a "parched" moment for me in terms of creative writing and art both. I barely post anything on Tumblr these days, and whatnot with being torn between maintaining all role play blogs I manage, and retiring all of them altogether.

I am currently unemployed as of the date of writing this, and as much as I would like to be hired under someone else, or be hired by a company, it isn't my type, and I don't find myself thriving nor surviving in such a work environment anytime soon. The way I see it, freelancing may be the best choice moving forward.

There are many ways in which this can go. I am currently interested in art, creative writing and video games, but all of these so far had been just hobbies, and making a living out of either would require a lot of knowledge before jumping in. At the same time, I have tried to dip my toes into live streaming some time in the past, and though content I made might be full of scuff, I have gotten the hang of the basics, and wish to pick it up again and move forward from there. This will also require more knowledge and learning along the way.

However, if I do decide to do live streams again (I have a couple past live streams on YouTube before taking a year-long hiatus due to burnout and prioritizing on myself, my friends and loved ones)-- And have a schedule I can work well with, then I may end up either having to engage in text role-playing more sparsely, put it to the side for now, or retire from it, here on Tumblr, and possibly Discord as well.

As such, all role play blogs I manage, including ones I have not promoted here (@expvrgction, @tokeikaijin, @mayor-bubblegum) will be put on indefinite activity/hiatus, effective immediately. Any thread that has recently been replied to on any blog listed, if at all, will still be worked on, and any in-character asks and submissions will still be accepted at this time-- But ask boxes and submit buttons to the following blogs will be closed at some point after this announcement. If any RP partner still wants to continue where any thread has been left off, feel free to send me IMs, or contact me via Discord @ zicasupercharger.

I can be contacted via my main Tumblr account (@zica-supercharger @notphonecharger), my other main Tumblr account focused on posts and reblogs ZeniMax Media related (@the-world-spear), or my aforementioned Discord handle. Any changes to these URLs, as well as my Discord handle will be edited and reblogged as necessary.

Thank you for 2+ years here (and more, if you count previous RP blogs I have deleted, going as far as my not-so-proud early 2010s RP era)! I would like to apologize for some things I did that might have upset you in any way, and wish you all the best.

See you when I see you,

Charger.

[goshdangronpa]

One of the biggest things I've learned while writing long-form projects released in parts is to never apologize for schedule slips

I used to write and draw a daily comic strip for my own amusement, and I'd share it with friends every day. Got to about 400 strips! But high school was much more demanding than middle school, and I actually had to pay attention in class instead of just doodling away. To blow off steam and apologize to my buds, who'd always ask if they could see today's strip yet, I'd comment on these schedule slips by drawing little one-off comics about them.

It ended not long afterward. That's life!

Or is that all there is to it? See, I've done plenty of other projects and tried to stick to some sort of schedule. Each time I'd mess up, I felt the need to apologize. What I've noticed is that over time, the need to apologize, or even just acknowledge the slip, would overwhelm the desire to actually write. Because if I'm gonna write the next part, I'd have to flog myself over my mistakes first, which isn't fun or fulfilling for you or your reader.

Now, you could just go without a strict schedule and work at your own rate. Personally, though, nothing motivates a creative to work on and actually release something quite like a deadline. It recently worked wonders for me with my Ibuki Mioda protag swap post series here on Tumblr, with weekly Friday releases (note: currently on hiatus but I did finish all of Chapter 1). Shameless self-promotion, yeah, but also proof that at least for some people, it's good!

But as you try your best to stick to your schedule, give yourself grace. Mistakes happen. Life happens. If you miss a date, leave the apology to a single sentence at most, a disclaimer with as few words as possible. Or save it for a social media post for the followers who'd actually care. (You might be surprised how little most people care about schedules if you're at least pretty consistent. When a fave YouTuber or webcomic artist releases something new after a while, do you think "it's about time you hack" or "oh yay new stuff"?)

Then, and I cannot stress this enough: move on. Keep the apology/acknowledgement short so you don't spend any more time than necessary. Or cut it altogether and just make the new thing. The more you obsess over the schedule slips, the more they'll happen. That's not just my experience as a creative. I've seen it happen to other creatives in real time. I'm writing all this so it doesn't happen to you!

[charlieoswin]

“We’re young enough to believe it should hurt this much” is such a raw fucking lyric.  

Charly Bliss seems like such a cheerful band but oh my god watching them perform live I literally teared up in a sea of dads (who love them and apparently flock to their shows in droves because they used to open for a bunch of 90s cover bands).

[sungwanns]

holy crap your family IS tall! i'm just seeing rowoon from SF9 in my head (he's the only one i can think of that's above six feet tall) then adding more inches to him...i'm sure you guys look up to each other (≧◇≦) awww that's so cute tho! couple outfits with seungmin would DEFINITELY be easy - you can literally just buy the same kind of clothes. size and all.

...huh oh yeah. with felix and minho in the same dorm, i can definitely see the others still coming around for dinner/late night snacks. i think hyunjin mentioned he and minho recently ate in minho's room, too. and wow, you're going to have so many SGs! how many groups do you follow btw, and are you going to get all of their seasons greetings?

oh dang jungkook? ...maybe since he's also an idol, your brain just figured that's close enough HAHAHAHA. ah well - i'm sure the boys will come around soon enough.

YES JULY BABIES ARE THE BEST - whether cancer or leo (my mom's a cancer too, actually). and thanks for linking the site - i tried it out and put in an estimate of my time of birth, and apparently i'm a libra rising. can i just say the part where it said i'm a perfectionist yet indecisive is very accurate. have you tried putting in the info for your biases here? tho i imagine it would be hard to know their times of birth hahaha

AWW THANK YOU TOO XD tho tbh just picture a skinny, small-ish high-school-student-looking asian lady and i guess you'll get me HAHAHA.

RIGHT?? and you just know chan's concern is genuine - how can we not just melt?? HAHA yeah i'd hope he gets the reference too - i know he's lurking around here somewhere...and in case the day comes that i DO throw that danny devito comment at him, he better know where it's from too!

man we all need vacations - i hope school's winding down for you already. and thank yooouu i'm trying not to do too much anymore, but there's just so much going on all the time! all these kpop companies should be paying us - WE'RE the ones promoting their groups for free! ( ;∀;) and i feel that - that's one of the reasons i can't make myself start dramas sometimes too. too much work to process what's happening. OH AND CROCHETING! that's so cool! do you make your own clothes? the best i can make is a hat as for my own offline hobbies...dear lord i feel like i have none. i make graphics or watch youtube videos during my spare time...yeah okay it's probably time i start reading physical books again or something.

eyy fruits basket! i've been meaning to start that - is it good? and holy crap, one piece. if anything, that just tells me you have dedication. how many episodes are there - 900+? and the manga - i don't even know how long that is anymore. 30 eps behind is definitely not bad XD ooh my brother loves jojo...maybe i'll finally give it a shot when i get the time. as for cheesy ones, i'd probably recommend kaichou wa maid-sama/the student body president is a maid, and kimi ni todoke/from me to you! if i remember correctly, the anime doesn't cover the whole story, so you may have to read the manga afterwards, but even on their own they're pretty cute.

ahh maknae on top! that's actually my favorite too! if they release this as a physical single i will DEFINITELY buy it but yesss alien has a special place in my heart, together with minho's DAWN choreo. hyunjin's play with fire too, just because it was a very hyunjin way to announce "I'M BACK!" after his hiatus ♥

awww you are DEFINITELY felix! and i have to agree - you give off a very sunshine-y, happy, vibe even just from the few messages we've sent each other. now i wonder what aura i give off - maybe black? or maybe like a neon color that kinda hurts the eyes LOL

animation! okay that is VERY cool/impressive! ah but yeah if you're getting too tired, i agree you should just take a break before you burn out. i can imagine that even though you like drawing, having to do it for 3-hour long classes every week would be tiring for both your brain and your hands (i hope your wrists are okay). ah i've been okay for the most part - thanks for asking ♥ definitely need more sleep, but i'm not hallucinating (yet) so it's all good! ohh now i'm curious tho. have you made any animations of skz?? because i would LOVE to see those!

oh wow that's another difficult question...all their albums are so good! hmm, but if i had to choose, i'd probably say go:sei/go:live because it's what hooked me into this mess in the first place, and all the songs are just so good! phobia is still wrecking me hard i love yellow wood and noeasy too, tho...i guess that's my top three. i think i know what your favorite album is - is it i am YOU?

AHH ALSO have you seen the MAMA performance??

Yeah HAHA whenever my extended family goes somewhere together people are always like 👀👀 LMAO but yeah im pretty average height for a girl in my family!! Ah that would be so cute 😭 I have a few kinda wild clothes im a hyuna wannabe 😔 so i would love to put some of those on him LMAO

Hopefully that’s something that keeps them going to each other’s dorms!! Especially bc i know that none of them can pass up felix’s sweets <<3 But i follow a lot of groups 😭 including but not limited to: woo!ah!, aespa, fromis 9, itzy, txt, mcnd, enhypen, the rose, twice, and hyuna, sunmi, somi, and woosung for soloists!! i’m sure there’s more i can’t think of off the top of my head!! And there’s some more too that i follow but i can’t name all the members like weki meki, loona, & nct !! I indulge myself in random albums from these groups but for big stuff like SG i only let myself buy for skz and red velvet since those are my ults or i would be broke 😭

Right HAHA i woke up and i was like ??? I guess kinda close??? I haven’t tried again bc i just fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow LMAO

Oh a fellow cancer!! But i totally agree!! my aunt is a leo too and she’s the best <<3 Oh a libra rising!! now i just KNOW you’re so pretty!!! but yes HAHA i have some of my fav idols birth charts saved… Yeah haha it’s like impossible to know what their risings are but other things aren’t as influenced by the birth time so it doesn’t matter as much!! like i know that jisung is a pisces moon (so am i!!) and seungmin is a cancer moon <<3 I love my water moon boys <3 but luckily someone asked chan his birth time on a vlive and he told them >>:))

it really is he’s the sweetest :(( HAHA right like ik you and felix are floating around here you can’t pretend 👀

No i totally feel you!! Like everytime you think you’re done something else pops up!! like ive been doing a lot of last minute holiday things so sorry ive been a little slow in my responses!! 😭 and so true!! especially when i promote their group better than they do … I’m looking at you sm But i do sometimes!! ive made a top or two but clothing wise i like to make sweaters/cardigans the best!! but i think i make amigurumi the most!! but a hat is still so good!! what color would you make your hat? 🥰 no but that’s still good!! whatever you find relaxing!! I watch a lot of youtube too!! especially while im crocheting and during my occasional embroidery projects!! I can’t really watch anything when im drawing or i’ll get distracted lol

For fruits basket yeah!! i really like it!! It like gets more intense as it goes on!! HAHA but yeah i like hate finishing shows?? like i hate getting attached to characters and then never seeing them again so when i first started watching anime when i was 14 i finished a show i really liked and i was devastated AJHDKS so i looked up the longest anime and the rest is history 😭 but yeah they just recently hit the 1000 episode!! But i go through phases of watching a bunch of it and catching up and then not watching it for a while and falling behind … talking about it is making me wanna watch it again… but !! my brother loves jojo too haha he’s actually the one that told me to watch it!! Omg i’ll definitely have to give those a try!! thank you for the recommendation!! :))

Oh me too!! I hope one day they just put all the skz players together and sell physical copies that would be great😭 like it can have a cd for the songs and a dvd for the dances!! But you’re so right about hyunjin’s!! It was the perfect way to come back !! When it came out I was like !!!!!!

!! Thank you !! 🥺🥺 I would say you give me very like warm color vibes?? like maybe a warm darker purple ?? like a deep magenta?? Like this!!

HAHA thank you!! my wrists are always being put through it with all my dexterous hobbies LMAO Ah but the worst part is having to stand at my easel for three hours straight it always makes my feet hurt 😭I’m glad you’re doing well!!💙 I hope you don’t start to hallucinate any time soon LMAO but i have not :(( however i do have random bits of fanart on my blog!! they’re pretty old though & i did some of them super fast so i wouldn’t say any of them are particularly good but i haven’t had the time recently to really make personal drawings!! My favorite one on my blog though is probably the one where i drew changbin as zoro from one piece !! <3

Omg those are such good choices!! I’m gonna struggle to answer my own question… AKHDKSJS you really called me out like that😭 but that and i am who were my favs for so long but now their newer ones have been so GOOD UGH … hmm… i think nowadays i would have to choose noeasy, in life, and miroh as my top three in no particular order!!

Ah!! yes i did!! they’re so amazing and talented!! and 3racha!!!😭 and I adore their outfits!! especially seungmin’s i loved the colors in his!! and jisung’s bandanna 😭

[sonofhistory]

Can you do a book review/description of America's First Daughter? I'm trying to decide between that or another book.

I should probably review this book while the text is still fresh in my mind. I could not pull myself away from this book, I read the whole 600 page book in less than twelve hours. 

America’s First Daughter was one of the best journeys I have ever undergone while reading a book. It was incredible, it completely transforms you. The writing was exceedingly talented and I appreciate in words I cannot express how much they kept to historical accuracy and narrative. It was so accurate, the only accuracy I can count was the fact that they said Thomas Jefferson had blue eyes even though his eyes didn’t go blue until later in life; and that he still had ginger hair until his death even though by then his hair had turned sandy. 

The book handles topics of sexism, abuse, racism and slavery very well. I must remind you: the book is narrated by Martha Jefferson Randolph meaning everything comes from the author’s interpretation of her thoughts and emotions. Sally Hemings makes an amazing appearance and the book is incredible. It is now in my top five favorite books. 

Please, I have never read a book that has affected him in such a way, I beg you with all my heart to read this extraordinary and beautiful novel. 

If you do not know what America’s First Daughter is about, here is a very long and detailed summary *SPOILERS BENEATH THE CUT* (but is is kind of just history… so):

The novel is narrated by Martha Jefferson Randolph and begins with her in her father’s bedroom after his death. Martha begins shifting through papers her father left for her while explaining her life long experience living under the roof of a man who wasn’t simply the author of the Declaration of Independence. While in his room, Sally Hemings comes in and sets the stage for what shall be their entire relationship throughout the book; Sally gives her a key to Jefferson’s room and she speaks of how she was Jefferson’s mistriss in public life and Sally could never be how she is. It is not smug, it is genuine. They pass no words before Martha flashes back to her childhood and begins and tell her life with him.

We get pulled back into 1781 to the night Jack Jouett stormed to Monticello in the middle of the night to tell the Jefferson family that the British were coming to capture Thomas Jefferson. “Papa” send Patsy, Polly and her mother off on a carriage where they reside the night. Another person he will become a large figure in the life of Patsy is William Short who accompanies them in their flight from Monticello. At this time, Patsy is about eight years old and her mother, Martha Jefferson, is still weak from the birth and loss of her recent child Lucy Elizabeth. 

After weeks of switching from home to home, while capturing the pure intimacy and devotion of Thomas and Martha Jefferson. Papa (Thomas Jefferson) takes Patsy out for a horse ride and views their plantation workers, stopping one slave from being whipped because he does not want to frighten her. While on their horse, Thomas decides to impress his wife and in doing so, Patsy slips off of the horse, she nearly falls but her father catches her at the cost of his own and he falls to the ground, breaking his right wrist. Patsy remembers this moment for the rest of her life and remembers the times when he doesn’t save her. 

They are able to return to Monticello and Martha gives birth to another child, Lucy Elizabeth again. However, the child ransacked her body of all strength and she soon begins to die. On her death bed, Martha makes her child promise that she’ll protect her father because he is going to need her. During her mother’s death she does not cry, puts on a brave face and accepts what she has put upon her. All the intimacy occurs and Martha soon dies in her husband’s arms after giving a silver servant bell to Sally Hemings. 

Following her death, Monticello becomes just a ghost of what it had once been and Patsy reassures her crying sister Polly in words that told her that father is going through more than they can possibly imagine and they need to be there for him. In the middle of the night, Patsy is awaken by the lack of life in her home and creeps to her father room after hours earlier hearing the sound of glass shattering, screaming, books being thrown to the floor shelves falling over. She gets to get father’s room only to find him disheveled and only a shell of who he once was. She inches closer and finds a pistol sitting on the table beside him, she keeps calling his name but he does not reply and stares off, before he can reply she grabs the pistol into her hands and sits there holding it so her father cannot get to it. 

Jefferson doesn’t eat or sleep, refuses to hold Lucy Elizabeth or look at Polly because they are both memories of her and clings to Patsy but never looks or says anything. He begins to take horseback rides a few weeks later with Patsy in front of him and every time they reach the wedding home he shared with Martha he begins to sob violently. Patsy believes her father is getting better, how ever, one day while out on a ride, Jefferson speeds the horse into a gallop and sends her ducking for cover from the branching slapping at her face. She looks up at the wrong time and finds herself concussed, with cuts, bruises and lying on the forest floor. There, William Short finds her, gets snappy at Jefferson before bringing her home while explaining that she was going through grief too and Jefferson was not the only one torn apart by her death. 

Jefferson has his children inoculated for small pox and Patsy remembers that it was her father who stayed by her side throughout the whole thing, tending to her with care. Soon after, Jefferson reveals that he is taking a position as Envoy to France and leaves Polly and Lucy-Elizabeth with their aunt while taking Patsy with him. While traveling from Monticello to Philadelphia, they stay in the home of Colonel Randolph who is Jefferson’s brother-in-law. Colonel Randolph was a cruel, abusive man and especially unkind to his eldest son: Thomas Mann Randolph. Colonel Randolph tries to get Jefferson to marry again and he remembers the death bed promise to his wife saying that he would not marry and leaves the room. 

Patsy becomes acquainted with two of her cousins, the Randolph sisters, Judy and Nancy. While there, she has her first conversation with Thomas Mann Randolph who taunts her with rather sexist statements which she fumes at but does not respond. They leave soon after, arriving in Philadelphia only to find that their passage is not to be and Jefferson leaves Patsy in the city by herself in the care of a rather religious woman who gets her tutors. Patsy writes her father letters but she stops and only replies when he writes back. She begins to grow angry at her father for abandoning her with his woman and is overjoyed but still distressed when he comes to collect her. They go to Virginia an give a brief call to Lucy Elizabeth and Polly before embarking on their journey to Paris at the tail-end of 1783. 

They arrive in Paris with James “Jimmy” Hemings in tow and take lodgings in the city. There, they are acquainted with John and Abigail Adams and though Abigail is a little off putting to Patsy she makes her feel welcome and at home by taking her shopping and helping her pick out dresses. She takes a liking to Abigail but begins to miss her sisters. While in Paris, she catches wind that William Short is coming on a ship to be Jefferson’s secretary and he arrives soon after. Patsy is sent to school at a convent that she begged not to be send to where she is teased by the other girls for her hair color and bony elbows, most of the teasing comes from a girl names Kitty Church who she begins to somewhat despise. 

Short begins to call upon her at the convent where she is gathering her education. A man beings lodging with them but she does not enjoy him and rummages throughout his belongings, finding out that he was a British spy housing with them and sending his bills to her father tab. One day, Patsy is called from the convent to spend some time with her father only to find that her father’s attention is not completely molded upon her. Maria Cosway is a woman that Patsy also begins to despise and she is polite but shows disdain towards the woman. At a dinner, Patsy realizes she not only has feelings for William Short but is in love with him. She doesn’t allow these emotions to control as she knows “Mr. Short” has other women flocking around the handsome young bachelor. 

Patsy and her father receive words that Lucy Elizabeth died in Virginia and she immediately wants her father to bring Polly to Paris with them. The difference between Polly and her older sister is that Polly has independence and rather a kind of nature that promotes going against the rules and shows restraint to unfair treatment. At the convent, Patsy begins to become friends with a girl named Marie who will become a close, close friend. Jefferson’s affair with Maria Cosway finishes and Patsy is angry that she hurt him. Polly arrives in France with Sally Hemings and she is angry her father did not go to her himself but sent for another man to collect her. Patsy knows that Sally is her mother’s sister and begins to get a good relationship with her. She shares an intimate scene with William Short on a winter day with Polly but is heart fallen when she comes upon a scene of her father and Sally Hemings–together. She confides in William Short who knows about what has been going on and Patsy soon feels she is being betrayed by everyone around her even though Short is an abolitionist. In this she grows a protective nature over Sally. 

William Short and Patsy grow closer and he asks her father about if they could in the future possibly marry and her father declines this offer sending him on a hiatus around Europe. William, as he told her to call him, never sends a single letter and her sisters and herself grow sick with typhus, so sick her father feared they would never recover from this mortal blow. Polly does not grow better and becomes deaf. At her bedside, Patsy promises to god she’ll become a nun if Polly will survive and Polly wakes up. She confronts her father about taking her vows but her father breaks down in front of her saying her cannot loose her too and he would rather shovel dirt over her grave then have her locked up for the rest of her life. Patsy cries with her father and he pulls both of his daughters out of the school. In result, knowing she is at courting age, Jefferson allows her out into society by herself. 

She begins to have many suitors with her friends as well and one day, William Short arrives at the ballroom and apologizes to her for not writing. Patsy acts polite but begins to shut him out until he confesses his love for her and she does too. They share their first kiss while she is being escorted home. Jefferson does not want her to marry him but accepts that they can get married in the future. Jefferson begins planning his trip back to Virginia and William and her father prey on her mind; she can go to Virginia with her father and risk him never allowing her to come back to marry William or she could abandon living with her father and marry William, traveling around Europe on diplomatic excursions as his wife. She choses to be with her father but begs William to wait for her–he doesn’t. 

They arrive back in Virginia and her father shows an interest with pairing her with Colonel Randolph’s son who is now all grown up but Patsy only remembers him as the fourteen year old boy who teased her as a child. She still has extreme feeling for William Short but dismisses them. Thomas Mann Randolph is taller than her husband and exceedingly handsome. Sally Hemings gives birth to her son right as “Tom” who is in love with Patsy asks her to marry him after only a month of knowing one another. She consents and they marry. Their first child is a daughter named Ann who Tom absolutely adores. Soon after a son is born, named Thomas Jefferson Randolph. She gives birth to another daughter named Ellen but she dies soon after and she gives birth to another daughter whom she names Ellen. 

Tom has a terrible relationship with his abusive father who tormented him as a child and regularly beat him as is implied within the text. While on a visit to Colonel Randolph’s house, Sally Hemings’s son dies and they bury him on the plantation where they couple believes they are going to later reside in. Colonel Randolph marries a new woman only a year after Tom’s mother died. At first, Patsy’s marriage to Tom is relatively happy although it takes a while for her to fall in love with him. Tom’s sisters escape their abusive new step mother and begin to live with Patsy when she moves from her plantation Varina (which he hates) to Monticello to watch over the estate in her father’s absences. After Colonel Randolph’s death, Tom rides there only to find that he had died and hours earlier moved the owner to his estate to his new child also named Thomas Mann Randolph. Tom grows a little angry and while Patsy is attempting to give suggestions, Tom slaps her for the first time sending Sally up at the noise to inspect what had happened. 

Tom is exceedingly guilty for what had occurred. The man her sister Judy married, Richard, also was having a relationship with Judy’s sister Nancy before all of his occurred and a rumor was created saying Nancy and Richard had a child but Richard killed it and chopped it to piece with an axe. Patsy does not believe the charge and gets called up for the trial to testify in defense of Nancy even though she grows convinced that Nancy did do something to provoke an abortion in her. 

More children arrive and Tom begins to grow a little more violent, especially with her eldest son, Thomas Jefferson Randolph. For the littlest mistakes, Tom would threaten to beat Thomas into submission but Patsy always comes to his defense. Her daughters never received a beating from their father, but Thomas always got the fist. Meanwhile, Patsy, who now goes by Martha after he marriage, knows her father his completely oblivious to what is going on around him. Polly marries a cousin, Jack Eppes and Martha realizes while there is nothing harmless about the man, his libido will end up being that kills Polly, who now goes by Maria. Maria gives birth to a child in an exceedingly difficult pregnancy and the child dies soon afterwards. Martha is struggling to keep her household in order while also tending to her husband and children. Tom stands for election and looses which sends him down a worse spiral which is only uplifted when he is elected governor of the state. 

Thomas Jefferson is elected president of the United States and Sally has several children with him. Sally recognizes that that all of her children are slaves to their master and she speaks to Martha about her deal with Jefferson which stated that her children would go free at the age of twenty-one. Maria gives birth to another child, grows weaker and then gives birth a final child even after Martha begs her Jack Eppes to stay off of her because she is delicate and the next child is going to kill her. Maria knows she is dying, and turns to Martha saying the exact words she heard her say to her to reassure her after their mother died and their father was rampant with grief. Maria soon dies and Martha doesn’t cry at her grave. She remains stoic until she gets to her home before she cries as she has never cried in her entire life. Jack Eppes takes a slave into concubine, begins flirting with women and never allows his son to see his grandfather, aunt or family. 

They receive a visit from William Short and they become fast friends just how they used to be. After a while, Tom’s drunken habits seem to be getting worse and their children begin to marry. They eldest daughter, Ann, marries a man named Charles Bankhead but he turns out to be rather abusive and takes out his anger on his wife and children, severely beating them. One night, the butler, Burwell will not give the keys to the liquor cabinet to Bankhead and when Martha attempts to stop the argument, Bankhead strangles her nearly causing her to black out before her husband walks in, grabs a fire poker and smashes Bankhead over the head with it nearly causing him to die. After this event, Bankhead packs up his family and flees. 

One day while Martha and Ann are together, Bankhead begins to hit his causing in the ribs causing her to bleed and Martha quickly grabs the horse whip before slashing Bankhead across the cheek. A few weeks later, following an altercation between Bankhead and Thomas Jefferson Randolph (Martha’s eldest son) they fight before Thomas is stabbed in the arm and in the stomach and nearly dies. Thomas Jefferson (Martha’s father) grabs his horse Eagle before speeding off to his grandson where he cries at his side. Before Martha can help her daughter, Bankhead again grabs grabs Ann and her children before running off and not returning for several years. 

In the meantime, Martha learns of the extreme debt her father is in, and begins to see the debt Tom’s father brought upon them as well as their eldest son, Thomas’s debuts he received from his father-in-law. Martha informs her father that they may be forced to sell the Monticello and this completely disheartens them all. Sally’s children begin to hit the age of freedom and she worries about them being off in the world by themselves but Martha reassures her saying this is what she would want if she had children herself. Tom begins to grow more violent and during a visit from William Short, Tom attempts to rape her in her bedroom but she hits him the crotch before running into the hallway calling for all of her children to gather around her. Tom sees this scene of Martha surrounded by a protective ring of all her children and leaves, she is grateful William never saw this. one day, Martha and William both confess their love but Martha begs him with all her life never to come back unless he to risk getting hurt and William doesn’t want to leave her in such a state but she begs and he leaves Monticello. Before he leaves, she breaks down, sobbing for her mother, for her child, for her sister and for how she’d been so deceived by her husband. 

A few months later in 1826, Ann shows up with her children and Monticello badly beaten, bruised, cut from Bankhead and pregnant. She gives birth to a child before dying a short while after due to her injuries. Martha doesn’t want her grandchildren to be with that man and is forced to act courteous to him in order to manipulate him and coax him into giving her the children. She recalls that she never regrets this even in the slightest. After a while, she knows all of her daughters are going to become spinsters but eventually her daughter Ginny marries the man she’s loves–something her mother said she never had the courage to do. Ellen doesn’t want to leave her mother but she marries a man she loves and moves to Boston. 

A few months later, Martha’s father, Thomas Jefferson dies and she does not cry at his grave. Her drunk husband who had been gone appears and taunts her as he did when she was a child about how she has no heart and is heartless. Martha begins to break into pieces and after a while forces herself to reconcile with her husband, calling all her children together as he dies. Shortly after her father’s death, William Short arrives at Monticello and they re-unite, spending the rest of their lives together. She goes to dinner at the presidential mansion while Andrew Jackson is president and he calls her “America’s First Daughter”. 

The book closes with her about to ride a train for the first time to visit her daughter Ellen, with her is William Short.