#prosecutors the sitcom

[detectivegumshoepals]

sharing accessories on dress down day at the prosecutor's office~

[your-local-granny]

this is a daily occurrence

[film-bro-hotch]

Dharma and Greg - Season 1, Episode 16: “Dharma and Greg’s First Romantic Valentine’s Day Weekend”

[lorillee]

SCREMAING. why are all of our prosecutors incredibly obnoxious and clinically insane

[greyhound-with-a-mega-wizard-hat]

Ace Attorney fucked up by killing off Godot and getting rid of Franziska before Apollo Justice.

Godot + Franziska + Klavier is a comedy act I need to see. Their dynamics (as a trio and as pairs) would be so fucing funny.

Just imagine Klavier and Godot talking at eachother for hours about their interests. Franziska would hate them both so much

[tacobellabeanburrito]

hey it’s anon — you’ve become my go to rec person, which is why I’m here to ask if you have any recommendations for short and sweet fics. Been looking for some bedtime stories :^)

Awwww, really!? That’s super cool. I’m glad I’ve been recommending good fics!

(Also, Anon, you’re the one that asked about Steel Samurai fics right? Well, I started reading this one called “A Brief For The Defense” by Ophelia_Writes on ao3, so check that one out cause it talks about what you were looking for a while back!)

(Also. I was searching for Christmas fics in my bookmarks just because the Christmas fics are usually the ones that are short and sweet, but now I’m really in the mood for Christmas how dare you Anon)

“Office-Appropriate” by cursedwurn: A hilarious Halloween fanfic that I adore. Featuring all the prosecutors in different costumes. Has an office sitcom type feel (People are seriously, SERIOUSLY, missing out on writing a prosecutors office sitcom type deal. For some reason, sitcom style doesn’t work for the Wright Anything Agency and mainly only works with the Prosecutors Office)

“Disrupting The Calendar” by 3musketears: Also a cute Christmas fic. I’m currently trying to find fics that are short and sweet and I found this one again in my bookmarks and as I started reading it to check if it was good I just kept getting into it and reading it. So yeah, good fic!

“Germination” by Ekat: I JUST READ THIS ONE. Omg, it’s soooo adorable. And absolutely hilarious. You just have to read it, really. It’s short and you can probably guess the real plot from a mile away but I don’t wanna spoil anything because I was so happy when I figured it out. It’s adorable.

“Court Record Companion” by rib14: I Remmeber revealing in this fic when I first read it. I’m also a big sucker for certain fics where the story is told by posts, texts, tweets and photos during the course of the story. There’s something so absolutely funny about it.

“Support Player” by Pirate_Jenna: A really good Larry centered fic. I have already mentioned in detail about how Larry has been done bad in lots of fics and in the games, so I am very partial to fics that are centered on “Good Friend Larry”. BECAUSE HE IS.

“Meet Me Down The Aisle” by bluemoodblue: I’m a true sucker for wedding fics, and this one takes the wedding cake! I’m also a sucker for wedding fics that go wrong. And this one also takes the wedding cake!

“This Christmas (I’m Gonna Risk It All)” by Samiolioli (Samioli): A really cute Christmas fic taking place during a holiday party! It’s all about Phoenix confronting his feelings for Miles, and I remember it being hilarious.

“Not What I Expected” by motivationisfortheweak: A Valentine fic set in an alternate universe where Miles and Phoenix go to high school together. Short and sweet, but Phoenix is sooo dense.

“Monster Movie Monday” by contritecacite: A breakaway from the norm! A Klavier centered fic about him getting a boyfriend and making amends with one Phoenix Wright.

“There Is Time To Kill” by realizationtime: Oh, oh bbg. You weren’t survive after this fic. “Maybe we were never meant to be older than nine”.

“A Fool For You” by bluemoodblue: ADORABLE!! It’s a Narumitsu one. I loved this one when I read it. It’s so funny and so perfectly them. Read it.

-

Ok so, there’s a couple that I personally really like but can’t find in my bookmarks. There’s this one where Miles and Phoenix are stuck in a mall during Christmas, it’s a newer one I know that. It’s absolutely adorable and I fully recommend it if you can find it.

There’s also a really cute one that I remember with Miles and Phoenix as kids making each other Valentines cards, and there’s even a very lovely sequel where they’re older and Trucy finds the card in Phoenix’s stuff! It’s not recent, but I read it recently. It’s very adorable.

Another fic I really like is one where Miles is a worker at a prestigious art museum and gets fired. Then he moves to a small town and ends up with Phoenix as a roommate. It’s actually really, REALLY adorable and pretty funny too. It gives me warm fuzzy sunflower vibes.

OK SO there’s this fic that I remember reading a long while ago, and it’s this one where Phoenix and Miles go to a Steel Samurai orchestra concert and make proposing to each other into a competition. It’s pretty hilarious and I fully recommend it if you ever end up finding it.

AND LASTLY (I think) there’s this fic that’s pretty unknown? I think? It’s absolutely CRAZY. I had no idea what was happening when I was first reading it. I really don’t wanna spoil any details in case you find it on your own. But long story short, through mystical Magatama fuckery, Phoenix and Miles end up in their own weird, fucked up worked where they’ve forgotten all their memories and are married. Characters like Trucy, Gumshoe and a lot of the others try to get them out of their own heads and it’s soooo cool and I read it pretty recently but I can not for the life of me find it. It’s really good and super interesting. Has the exact same vibes as “Perfect” by SideBlog (so if you find it, Fic Anon, I full heartedly recommend it)

ALSO IF ANYONE KNOWS THE FICS IM TALKING ABOIT IN THIS SECTION. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DIRECT ME. They’re soooo good.

These are ones that aren’t short and aren’t really sweet but that I feel should get highlights because I didn’t mention them in my other post (I don’t think):

“Everything That I Have Ever Learned Leads Back To This” by kbots: Oh. Oh this one is… Oh my goodness. SAD. I actually cried while reading this one. Like. Holy shit. Good luck not crying while reading this. It’s amazing and should have more hits.

“All The Better To See You With” by bluemoodblue: OH. Oh. I love this one. We love Trucy hating Kristoph. (Fuck Kristoph Gavin, all my homies hate Kristoph Gavin).

ANYWAY! That’s about all of them, for now at least. Again, full recommend looking at my bookmarks on A3O for other stories because this list isn’t even half of the short and sweet ones I’ve read.

AND! Also, if anyone knows the fics that I talked about in the, uh, other half of this fic ref lists where I don’t know the names but only know the stories. PLEASE DIRECT PEOPLE TO THEM IN THE REPLIES!! Or at least tell me or something cause they’re good.

Good luck reading Anon! Ask again if you need anymore recs! ;>

[thundergrace]

April 5, 2023

I don't have words. I don't think a quip about "no drag queens" or whatever is appropriate but it is pretty fucking mind-blowing that outside of a joke in a sitcom here and there, the catholic church as a whole has escaped any real world consequences for this reputation it's created for itself as an institution that's pretty infamous for sexually assaulting children.

[dangantums]

if you're comfortable with it... a little bit of preg Phoenix? Maybe with Miles being a bit over protective because Phoenix is accident prone?

yes!!!!! sorry this is so late,,,,,,,, hope you enjoy

Safe and Sound

ship: w.rightworth

this fic contains: mpreg, fluff, belly rubs

TLDR: m.iles doesn't want p.hoenix to cook dinner, as he's worried for the safety of him and their unborn baby.

Miles Edgeworth stood in the kitchen, apron tied securely around his waist as he carefully chopped vegetables for dinner. He had decided to take charge of dinner tonight, determined to spare his boyfriend, Phoenix Wright, from any potential accidents that could harm their unborn child. At 36 weeks pregnant, Phoenix's usual clumsiness had become even more of a concern, and Miles couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to either of them. Miles continued chopping vegetables for a hearty stir-fry, his movements smooth and deliberate. He glanced over his shoulder every now and then, keeping an eye on Phoenix, who was sitting at the kitchen table reading emails on his laptop. 

"Everything okay, darling?" Miles called out, his voice gentle yet tinged with concern.

Phoenix looked up from his laptop, offering a reassuring smile. "Yeah, everything's fine. Just trying to see if there’s anything I need to catch up on.”

Miles nodded, turning his attention back to the task at hand. He couldn't help but worry — Phoenix had always been accident-prone, and trouble seemed to linger behind everywhere he went. And now, with the added weight and discomfort of pregnancy, the risk of injury was even greater.

As the aroma of sizzling vegetables filled the air, curiosity finally got the better of Phoenix, who now approached the stove. Miles intercepted him with a firm but gentle hand on his shoulder, his reaction-time caught Phoenix off-guard.

"Stay back, Phoenix. Let me handle this," Miles said firmly, his tone leaving no room for argument.

Phoenix snorted, but nodded, understanding the ‘gravity’ of the situation. He knew Miles was only looking out for him and their baby, and he appreciated it more than words could express. The heavily pregnant attorney then planted a soft kiss to Miles’ cheek before waddling to the living room to relax on the couch – which was much more comfortable than the wooden kitchen chair.

Relieved that Phoenix had complied, Miles continued cooking, his movements precise and swift. Soon, the stir-fry was ready, and Miles plated the meal with care, garnishing it with a sprinkle of fresh herbs for added flavor. He turned around to present the dish, but saw that the kitchen table was empty. He blinked, wondering where Phoenix had gone, until he heard the low murmur of the television in the living room. Perhaps having dinner on the couch would suffice… he didn’t want to make Phoenix get back up again, despite his distaste for crumbs on their nice couch. Grabbing both of their plates, he briskly walked into the living room.

There, Phoenix sat as some 90’s sitcom played quietly on the TV. Miles noted the way Phoenix gingerly cradled his swollen belly and the fatigue that etched lines on his face. His feet were propped up on the hickory coffee table – much to Miles’ dislike, but he’ll allow it considering Phoenix is so heavily pregnant.

"Dinner's served," Miles finally announced after he was done ogling his boyfriend, showing the steaming plates.

Phoenix looked up, and his eyes lit up with delight as he took in the colorful array of vegetables. "Wow, Miles, this looks amazing! Thank you."

“You’re welcome,” the prosecutor replied as he gently sat next to Phoenix. He handed the attorney his plate, giving him a light smile.

Phoenix eagerly began to chow down on the stir-fry, humming with delight. Miles, however, set his own dish aside. He couldn’t help but watch Phoenix: watch him observe the television with tired yet interested eyes, watch him nestle into the cushions with a contented sigh that escaped his lips as he shifted to find a comfortable position for his heavily pregnant belly, watch his form glow under the dim lamplight and the flickering of the TV. It was a beautiful sight to behold. A sight that made Miles’ heart swell.

As Miles slipped out of his daydream, Phoenix set the now-empty dish aside. Miles blinked – wow, Phoenix packed that away fairly quickly. Another satisfied sigh escaped the attorney's lips, hand resting on the curve of his large, swollen belly. 

"Hm, you both must have been hungry," Miles said softly. He instinctively reached out, his hand instinctively drawn to the curve of Phoenix's rounded belly. "May I?"

Phoenix looked over at him, and nodded with a gentle smile. As Miles tenderly rubbed Phoenix's heavily pregnant belly, he couldn't help but marvel again at the sight before him. Phoenix's abdomen had swelled with the growth of their unborn child, rounding out in a beautiful curve that stretched the fabric of his shirt. The once-flat stomach now protruded prominently.

And Miles couldn't help himself – he lifted Phoenix's shirt, exposing the round expanse of his swollen abdomen. Phoenix's breath caught in his throat as Miles's fingers traced delicate circles across his skin, sending shivers of pleasure through his body. He leaned back, his eyes closed in blissful contentment, relishing the sensation of Miles's touch. The skin covering Phoenix's belly was smooth and taut, its surface littered with delicate veins that traced intricate patterns beneath the surface, and stretch marks adorned the lower part of his abdomen. At the center of it, Phoenix's navel that once had been a shallow innie now protruded into an outie. 

Miles leaned in closer, his lips brushing against Phoenix's belly in a tender kiss. Phoenix's fingers tangled in Miles's hair, urging him closer as a soft sigh escaped his lips.

"Your belly has grown so much," Miles remarked softly, his voice barely above a whisper, filled with awe and affection. Phoenix could only grunt in response, eyes closed as he relished in the pampering he was recieving. A low chuckle escaped Miles as he continued doting on his partner. 

Miles kept pressing tender kisses against Phoenix’s heavy belly, and he could feel the gentle movements beneath his lips – a silent reminder of the precious life they had created together. And as he continued to stroke Phoenix's belly with both hands, feeling the gentle kicks and flutters beneath his touch, he knew that there was nowhere else he would rather be than right here, by Phoenix's side. Safe and sound.

[beardedmrbean]

Danny Masterson, star of That 70s Show, could get as much as 30 years to life in prison at his sentencing today for the rapes of two women two decades ago.

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Charlaine Olmedo is set to sentence the 47-year-old actor after ruling on a defence motion for a new trial that she’s very likely to reject, and after hearing impact statements from the victims.

A jury of seven women and five men found Masterson guilty of two counts on 31 May after seven days of deliberations. Both attacks took place in Masterson’s Hollywood Hills home in 2003, when he was at the height of his fame on the Fox network sitcom.

The jury could not reach a unanimous verdict on a third count, an allegation that Masterson also raped a longtime girlfriend.

The verdict came in a second trial after a jury failed to reach verdicts on three counts of forcible rape in December 2022 and a mistrial was declared.

Prosecutors alleged that Masterson used his prominence in the Church of Scientology — where all three women were also members at the time — to avoid consequences for decades after the attacks.

Key Points

Actor Danny Masterson could get as much as 30 years to life in prison at his sentencing

47-year-old found guilty of rapes of two women twenty years ago at his Hollywood Hills home

Jury could not reach a unanimous verdict on a third count

Verdicts came in second trial after first jury failed to reach unanimous verdicts

Prosecutors allege Masterson used position in Church of Scientology to avoid consequences

Crimes occurred in 2003 at height of his fame in Fox sitcom ‘That 70s Show’

Whole bunch under the cut

Who were Masterson’s accusers?

16:08 , AP

The Associated Press does not typically name people who say they were victims of sexual abuse.

The first accuser

One of the women Masterson is convicted of raping was born into a Scientology family and was part of Masterson’s circle of friends. Nearly all of those closest to her were members, including the late Lisa Marie Presley, who also left the church long before her death in January.

The woman said that when she stopped by Masterson’s house to pick up a set of keys in 2003, he gave her a drink that left her sick and badly disoriented, and raped her in his bedroom upstairs. She first filed a police report, which did not lead to an arrest, in 2004. She returned to authorities in 2016.

Jurors found her account credible and convicted Masterson based on her allegations.

The second accuser

A model and actor who was Masterson's girlfriend from 1996 to 2002 took the stand to open the trial. She previously testified that Masterson grew increasingly physically and sexually abusive in their years together. She said that it eventually led to him raping her twice late in 2001, though he is only charged with one instance, a morning when she woke to find Masterson raping her. She would go to the police 15 years later.

Jurors could not agree on a verdict on her allegations, deadlocking 8-4 in favour of conviction.

The third accuser

The third woman at the centre of the trial had only recently met Masterson through mutual friends in the church, which she had joined as a teenager. She testified that in 2003 that Masterson invited her to his house, where they were alone. She said she was clear that she wanted no sex, but he convinced her to get into his jacuzzi and then took her to his bed, where he raped her. She went to the police in 2017.

Jurors convicted Masterson based on her testimony.

Who is Masterson?

15:58 , Oliver O'Connell

Masterson, 47, an actor since childhood, got his major break when he was cast as Stephen Hyde on the retro sitcom That 70s Show, which also starred Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis and Topher Grace and would run on Fox from 1998 until 2006.

At the time of the alleged assaults, his career was at its peak, and his house near Hollywood with a backyard pool and Jacuzzi was a social hub. It was also, according to prosecutors, the scene of all three crimes. Masterson had pleaded not guilty and his lawyers have repeatedly denied all of the allegations.

AP

What were the allegations and could Masterson appeal?

15:53 , Oliver O'Connell

Masterson did not testify, and his lawyers called no witnesses. The defence argued that the acts were consensual, and attempted to discredit the women’s stories by highlighting changes and inconsistencies over time, which they said showed signs of coordination between them.

The women whose testimony led to Masterson’s conviction said that in 2003, he gave them drinks and that they then became woozy or passed out before he violently raped them.

Olmedo allowed prosecutors and accusers to say directly in the second trial that Masterson drugged the women, while only allowing the women to describe their condition in the first.

Masterson was not charged with any counts of drugging, and there was no toxicology evidence to back up the assertion. The issue could be a factor in a planned appeal from the defence of Masterson’s conviction.

AP

Did Scientology play a role in the aftermath of rapes?

15:38 , Oliver O'Connell

Prosecutors alleged that Masterson used his prominence in the Church of Scientology — where all three women were also members at the time — to avoid consequences for decades after the attacks.

The women blamed the church for their hesitancy in going to the police about Masterson. They testified that when they reported him to Scientology officials, they were told they were not raped, were put through ethics programs themselves, and were warned against going to law enforcement to report a member of such high standing.

“They were raped, they were punished for it, and they were retaliated against,” Deputy District Attorney Reinhold Mueller told jurors at the trial. “Scientology told them there’s no justice for them.”

The church said in a statement after the verdict that the “testimony and descriptions of Scientology beliefs” during the trial were “uniformly false.”

“The Church has no policy prohibiting or discouraging members from reporting criminal conduct of anyone — Scientologists or not — to law enforcement,” the statement said.

AP

Sitcom actor Danny Masterson faces sentencing today

15:22 , Oliver O'Connell

That 70s Show star Danny Masterson could get as much as 30 years to life in prison at his sentencing Thursday for the rapes of two women two decades ago.

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Charlaine Olmedo is set to sentence the 47-year-old actor after ruling on a defence motion for a new trial that she’s very likely to reject, and after hearing impact statements from the victims.

A jury of seven women and five men found Masterson guilty of two counts on 31 May after seven days of deliberations. Both attacks took place in Masterson’s Hollywood Hills home in 2003 when he was at the height of his fame on the Fox network sitcom.

The jury could not reach a unanimous verdict on a third count, an allegation that Masterson also raped a longtime girlfriend.

The verdict came in a second trial after a jury failed to reach verdicts on three counts of forcible rape in December and a mistrial was declared.

[rapeculturerealities]

Danny Masterson to Face Retrial on Rape Charges - Variety

Prosecutors announced on Tuesday that they will pursue a second trial against Danny Masterson, after a jury deadlocked on three rape charges at the actor’s first trial in November.

Masterson, 46, is accused of forcibly raping three women at his home in the Hollywood Hills from 2001 to 2003. He was a star of the Fox sitcom “That ’70s Show” at the time.

“Our office has decided to retry this case,” Deputy District Attorney Reinhold Mueller told the court.

Though they could not reach a verdict, the jurors leaned toward acquittal, with votes of 10-2, 8-4 and 7-5 on the three counts.

[vonpharma]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 逆転裁判 | Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Ayasato Mayoi | Maya Fey/Karuma Mei | Franziska von Karma Characters: Karuma Mei | Franziska von Karma, Ayasato Mayoi | Maya Fey, Shiryuu Rou | Shi-Long Lang, Yahari Masashi | Larry Butz Additional Tags: Sickfic, Hurt/Comfort, Sicktember 2022, Sicktember, Sick Franziska von Karma, Autistic Franziska von Karma, Established Relationship, takes place sometime after the original trilogy/investigations, because Lang is there, but no major spoilers for anything past investigations, ive only played up to aai 1-4 haha, larry and lang have minor parts its mostly just fran n maya, the rating is for the BRIEFEST mention of a makeout sesh, like barely a paragraph, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Platonic undressing, like they are a romantic couple but the undressing is not sexy, its just caregiving its chaste and sweet, Author Projecting Onto Franziska von Karma, PART ELEVENNNN!, No Beta - Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth Chooses Death Summary:

People, real human people, did not get sick like this. Not with these symptoms, not in this manner, not at this inconvenient of times, it wasn't—it wasn't fathomable, the way it all played out, custom tailored to make Franziska feel like the leading lady in a cheap sitcom. She could practically hear the canny laugh-track ringing somewhere behind her pounding headache.

Written for @sicktember 2022 Day 21 Alternate Prompt: Soft Pyjamas

[L!NK !N REBL0GS!]

[warningsine]

"Black Earth Rising" is a fictional thriller about the modern repercussions of the 1994 genocide in Rwanda. It debuts on Netflix today, but it was a co-production with BBC Two and aired on British TV last year. NPR TV critic Eric Deggans says the series offers a compelling look at an atrocity many Americans may never have fully understood.

ERIC DEGGANS, BYLINE: If you know British actress Michaela Coel mostly for her charming, off-the-wall performance in the sitcom "Chewing Gum," you're in for a jarring, impressive surprise. Coel has transformed herself from an awkward, wisecracking comic into a hardened, damaged trauma survivor for "Black Earth Rising." She plays Kate Ashby, a black woman rescued from an orphanage in Rwanda as a child after her family was killed. She was raised to adulthood in London by a white woman. Kate still carries the scars from her childhood, emotionally and physically, as she reminds her adoptive mother Eve during an argument.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "BLACK EARTH RISING")

MICHAELA COEL: (As Kate Ashby) This is what they did to me. I don't remember my family or my country - nothing. I don't know my own name. The only thing I know is that it happened to nearly a million people, and I will never forget it. And neither should anyone else.

DEGGANS: "Black Earth Rising" sets this drama before a complicated backdrop - the consequences of the 1994 genocide in Rwanda, where up to 1 million members of the Tutsi community were killed by Hutu extremists. Kate's angry because her mother Eve is a respected prosecutor about to try an African general for war crimes in international court. But the general's not a member of the Hutu militias who committed the genocide in Rwanda. He was part of the force that stopped the killing but committed war crimes afterwards.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "BLACK EARTH RISING")

COEL: (As Kate Ashby) I mean, to me, what you're doing - it's like the Second World War is over, and we're Jewish. And suddenly, you've decided to prosecute General Eisenhower because he tried to stop Hitler.

HARRIET WALTER: (As Eve Ashby) Well, if Eisenhower had committed war crimes, he would've been prosecuted.

COEL: (As Kate Ashby) Yes, but not by you - not you, my mother - because for me, it's like the SS is still out there. And all you're trying to do is prosecute one of the few men who tried to stop them.

DEGGANS: Writer-director Hugo Blick gives some characters illnesses that also seem like physical expressions of their guilt and trauma. One key character has seizures. Kate grapples with mental issues. And "Roseanne" alum John Goodman plays Eve's boss, a lawyer struggling with prostate cancer. He's also a confidante of Eve's, helping her keep a secret from her daughter.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "BLACK EARTH RISING")

JOHN GOODMAN: (As Michael Ennis) You rescued a child, and you gave her a life.

WALTER: (As Eve Ashby) But not her past.

GOODMAN: (As Michael Ennis) And you're about to do that, too.

WALTER: (As Eve Ashby) Well, what if I was right in the first place, and what if she's still not ready?

DEGGANS: That's a question asked many times about Kate and the people of Rwanda. Can they handle the truth? Blick does a masterful job of unwinding a complex plot that touches on the arrogance of European nations imposing their justice on Africans and the brutal nature of political arrangements that are often made to keep the peace while enriching those in power. Just when you think you're seeing one type of story, Blick changes the narrative often by killing a key character unexpectedly. He does have some odd obsessions as a director, including a love for showing close-ups of doorknobs and a habit of showing characters regurgitating. It's a tough story, but it's also a thrilling, entertaining show with a unique storytelling style. "Black Earth Rising" is a political thriller, social issues drama and legal yarn all at once, centered on a world-shaking calamity which should be in every student's history book but too often isn't. I'm Eric Deggans.

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

August 8, 2023

THE SEINFELD DEFENSE & KETCHUP DOESN'T LIE

Former President Donald Trump won the 2020 election. Despite no evidence of voter fraud he actually believes it, his attorney said, invoking the old “Seinfeld Defense.” George Costanza, the character in the 1990s sitcom “Seinfeld,” came up with the novel defense: “It's not a lie if you believe it.” That's now the brilliant legal response to a four-count indictment that accuses Trump of conspiring to overturn U.S. democracy. Trump's attorney, John Lauro, said prosecutors can't prove the former president believes he lost the election. Presto: not guilty. Well Lauro has a point there — who could possibly tell from minute-to-minute what's going through that guy's head. But there is compelling evidence that Trump did know he lost: Ketchup. That's right, White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson told the Jan. 6 House Special Select Committee that when then-Attorney General Bill Barr told the Associated Press there was no evidence of widespread voter fraud Trump threw his lunch and it splattered ketchup on the wall in the West Wing. Trump's attorneys no doubt will seek to undermine prosecution witnesses who told the former president he lost, but how do you undermine ketchup on a wall. Heinz may well be the best answer to the “Seinfeld Defense,” because, after all, ketchup doesn't lie.

PIGSKIN PIGOUT — IT COULDN'T BE ABOUT THE MONEY

Don't let anyone tell you that college football has become all about money. Sure, it looks that way but just because universities are jumping from one conference to another for bigger TV bucks doesn't mean we've lost what's really important about college football. We'll get to that in a minute. University of Utah football coach Kyle Whittingham makes $6 million a year. But it's not so much compared to Alabama football coach Nick Saban, who pulls in $10.6 million. Alabama football, in the Southeastern Conference (SEC), brought in a record $130.87 million last year. In Sept. 2022, the Big Ten Conference announced a new TV deal worth more than $1 billion per year. Last week in something like football musical chairs the PAC- 12 became in reality the PAC- 4, as schools bolted. The Big 10 added two schools and the Big 12 grabbed another three college teams, including Utah. USC, UCLA — Colorado left earlier. Jack Dickert, Washington State head coach said TV money will destroy college football and the school rivalries that have been central to it. “We'll look back at college football in 20 years and be like 'what are we doing'” What's really important about college football? It molds young men and prepares them for the pros where they could become millionaires. But it's not about money.

HOW MIKE PENCE GOT HIS GROOVE BACK

Mike Pence is from Indiana so it's no surprise he's got lots of charisma. Indiana is the “Charisma State.” Residents there are known as Hoosiers, from the Greek χάρισμα — “who's yours.” Pence was a gregarious young man from a good Catholic family of Democrats. Then something happened — the future savior of American democracy became an evangelical Christian and a conservative Republican and along the way landed a statewide radio show, cleverly called “The Mike Pence Show.” He said his program was like Rush Limbaugh on downers. It launched his political career where he was elected to the House for six terms and then governor of Indiana. But when Trump picked the charming Mike Pence to be his running mate, the Hoosier had to promise never to be charismatic again. Only Trump could be charming. Pence took on the persona of a mud fence so well that some believed he was an android. Then came Jan. 6 and “Hang Mike Pence.” The vice president and his family had to run for their lives. It was a reawakening. That's why the Mike Pence we see running for president today is the old fun-loving jokester who used to say his radio show was the political answer to “Pee-wee Herman's Playhouse.” Mike Pence rocks, relatively speaking, of course.

Post script — That'll do it for another historic week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of our bizarre politics so you don't have to. It's now clear that Donald Trump is running for president so he won't have to go to prison. More than two-thirds of Republicans believe Trump is the rightly elected president and that stuff about the Jan. 6 insurrection is all made up. Trump continues to run far ahead in the race for the Republican nomination. Utah Sen-For-Life Mike Lee said prosecuting Trump for things he did on Jan. 6 is “dangerous” because he was president then and had immunity. In essence, a failed coup is not punishable by law. Great. Hey Wilson, do you ever get the feeling we've collided with a parallel universe where black is white and right-side-up is upside-down. Meanwhile Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is campaigning against Mickey Mouse while extolling the great benefits of slavery for Black people. It's not going too well, so he raised the rhetoric by saying as president he would start “slitting throats” in the federal bureaucracy on day one. It sure is nice that we're setting the example of true democracy for all those Third World countries — bunch of heathens.

Songwriter Randy Newman once penned a number called, “Short People,” which was really about prejudice of all kinds. These days it seems like no one likes homeless people — many of whom are families and single moms. So Wilson, get the band to put down the hookah and take us out with a little something for the downtrodden:

Short People got no reason Short People got no reason To live They got little hands Little eyes They walk around Tellin' great big lies They got little noses And tiny little teeth They wear platform shoes On their nasty little feet Don't want no Short People Don't want no Short People 'Round here Don't want no Homeless People Don't want no Homeless People 'Round here They're always camping out on the street Don't wear no stockings on their feet All their junk is piled in grocery carts They're all rumpled up and got no smarts

Why don't they find someplace else to stay Seeing them is a bummer and ruins the day Don't want no Homeless People Don't want no Homeless People 'Round here

(Short People — Randy Newman, modified by the Smart Bomb staff)

[tru3-r0y4lty]

The amount of money I would actually pay for a office/parks and rec/b99 style sitcom featuring the AA prosecutors office,,,

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Zelensky’s Purge Speaks Volumes

ILOS ANGELES (OnlineColumnist.com), July 18, 2022.--n a sign that things aren’t going well in Kiev, 45-year-old President Volodymyr Zelensky sacked his childhood friend, SBU Security Chief Ivan Bakanov and Prosecutor General.Iryna Venedkhova for not doing enough to stop Russian infiltration into his inner circle.  Zelensky’s purge shows that the walls are closing in on the 45-year-old neophyte president, who, along with unlimited cash-and-arms and urging of 79-year-old President Joe Biden decided to take on the Russian Federation.  Biden and Zelensky have been called out recently by the only Ukrainian-born member of Congress, Rep. Victoria Spartz (R-Ind.).  Spartz asked Biden and Zelensky to stop playing politics with the Ukraine War. Spartz has caught flack from Republicans, Democrats and Zelensky’s coterie in Kiev for asking questions.  But today’s purge of Zelensky’s government indicates things are not going well in Kiev.

Zelensky’s office said that 60 officials from Bakanov’s SBU Security Agency and the prosecutor’s office have been actively working against the Kiev government.  Zelensky’s office said 651 treason and collaboration cases have been opened up, Zelensky’s office said in a video message. However you cut it, Biden’s White House must be floored because it runs so counter to Zelensky’s narrative of how unified his government in fighting the Russian invasion.  Zelensky’s admission indicates that he can’t trust the lion’s share of his staff, realizing that there’s unhappiness within his ranks.  When you look at all the battlefield failures, it’s no wonder Zelensky confronts treason and collaboration within his own ranks.  Ukrainian officials are beginning to question what Zelensky is doing.  Zelensky and his PR machine have deceived the White House and Brussels of all his mistakes and failures.

When it comes to Bakanov, Zelensky’s childhood friend, it lets you know the extent of the paranoia sweeping Zelensky’s Kiev office.  “Such and array of crimes against the foundations of the national security of the state . . . poses very serious questions   to the relevant leaders,” Zelensky said, almost making no sense.  What’s apparent is not the threat to Zelensky’s power but that things have gone badly on the battlefield and he’s taking it out on his personally appointed officials.  Zelensky used Bakanov to run his media business, paving the way for Zelensky’s to run from sitcom star to president.  Losing confidence in Bakanov shows how bad things have gotten in Kiev.  Whether Zelensky hides it from public view or not, things can’t be good watching his country lose over 25% of sovereign territory, especially the strategic Black Sea coast and all its ports.

Russian President Vladimir Putin said today that he would not let the West turn back the clock in Russia, preventing it from getting the technology needed to move forward with the Russian economy.  Russian has weathered Biden’s crippling economic sanctions by participating in the BRICS economic bloc involving Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa.  Iran also expressed interest recently in joining BRICS.  Biden didn’t expect that so many world power, other than in the West, wished to remain neutral in the Ukraine War.  Biden thought everyone would jump on the bandwagon, especially China and India. But with Biden’s foreign relations so bad with China, it was unrealistic to expect Chinese President Xi Jinping to publicly denounce Putin.  After Biden boycotted the Beijing Winter Olympics, Putin seized the chance to develop closer ties the Peoples Republic of China [PRC].

Zelensky has a real problem with credibility, especially since Rep. Victoria Sparts (R-Ind.) questioned his strategy in Ukraine.  Biden and Zelensky decided that they could degrade the Russian military by supplying Kiev with HIMARS long-range missile defense systems.  Whether HIMARS makes a difference or not, the fact remains that under Zelensky’s leadership, Ukraine has lost over 25% of sovereign territory to the Kremlin, including the entire Black Sea coast and all its ports.  All Zelensky’s talk about defeating the Russian Federation now raises doubts because he’s been so roundly defeated for the last five months.  Reports from Kiev about Putin’s alleged mystery illness or a coup-in-the-making in Moscow all turned out false.  So when it comes to Zelensky’s credibility, it’s been dropping like a rock.  Today’s purge of key government positions indicates that Zelensky has panicked.

Today’s government purge by Zelensky suggests the walls are closing in on the young president, finding himself in quicksand in Ukraine.  Russia has all the traction when it comes to seizing key territory needed by Zelensky to prosecute the war. Instead of working toward a ceasefire and peace talks, Zelensky and his 40-year-old Foreign Minister Dmytro Kuleba reject all of Putin’s peace offerings, insisting they would not surrender one inch of sovereign territory to Moscow.  Zelensky gambled and lost badly trying to take on the Russian Federation.  All he had to do was accept that Donetsk, Luhansk and Crimea were in Russian hands.  Zelensky could have avoided allthe destruction, carnage and refugee crisis to Ukraine.  But instead had the audacity to think he could take on the Russian Federation.  Today’s purge shows that there are plenty of mixed feelings about Zelensky’s leadership.

About the Author

John M. Curtis writes politically neutral commentary analyzing spin in national and global news.  He’s editor of OnlineColumnist.com and author of Dodging The Bullet and Operation Charisma.  

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