#prsnl updates

[bbarican]

09242023 • this is what healing my inner child looks like 💭

[the-vanir-queen]

Little life update today.

I had my followup with the Dr. Gonna keep my lower dose for my antidepressants, and she bumped up my prog to 200mg 😏 so if it's anything like when I started it prepare for feral sex crazed/yearning like crazy posts.

I'm gonna make this June GAY AS FUCK. Might even express my feelings to a couple crushes I have who knows

[joypainandsky]

How are we all going about buying cell phones these days? 😂😬😭

[poetic-beats]

Sometimes when I come back to this blog it just makes me cringe. Mostly because whenever I’m manic I start a ton of new projects whether its crappy art, jumping around to different sites for my poetry that I eventually ditch, different business ideas that I start but never finish, bad poetry I have written things I like but there’s also just bad poetry that served a purpose for me to vent but objectively is bad. It’s also a very open book of the events and stages I’ve gone through and some of you have followed me from the beginning and I just cringe at the thought of what it must look like seeing my erratic postings. And it’s a monument to all of my sadness and trauma and struggles and I don’t find that a bad thing though I guess because writing was helpful and I’m not ashamed of what I’ve struggled with but damn this blog was almost as much of a mess as my mind. Life has changed so much in the 7 years since I started this blog, I’m 30 now which is scary to be so old ( I know 30 isn’t actually old old but in context of where I am in my life) and yet feel like I’m so behind in adulting. It’s like when I hit 30 in my mind it changed you know until I hit that number I was still in my 20’s even if it was 29 it felt like okay I’m not an ‘adult’ adult yet so it’s fine my shits not together but its like okay I’ve hit 30 now I should’ve started checking some boxes off the list and whilst some things have improved I still have a long way to go. I’m in therapy now I managed to start early last year privately ofc because NHS sucks ass. Luckily she’s good about pricing clearly not in it for the money; was my old MH teams lead therapist before she quit didn’t know she’d gone private, found her by dumb luck. She’s really good & it’s already helped me so much. I managed to acquire a few new diagnoses at the end of last year not a surprise though nothing new or unexpected as such but sometimes does feel like it’s a never ending list. Oh I got a second cat!!! His names Shrimp and he’s adorable. Bagel loves him I’ll have to post a picture of them both at some point and after having not written/barely written anything for awhile I recently started writing poetry again. Not sure why I slowed down/stopped I guess things got really busy & I managed/coped in different ways I also just kinda lost it like I had a mental block when I did try writing. Anyways so I wrote some new stuff recently sadly it’s not exactly happy it’s more of a throwback to when I first started this blog, writing as a way to cope in the moment when emotions were too much, to sort of purge it from my mind. I’ve had some difficult things to deal with and it’s been a lot so being able to write again is bittersweet. I also can’t vouch for its quality but hey it helped me cope so does it really matter, guess not. Anyways idk that’s enough rambling from me now don’t know why I wrote this out on here I mean my blogs mostly dead apart from these random check ins I do where I give these life update posts which I”m not sure anyone even cares to read because this blog is so inactive now but here I am doing it anyways.

[eta--piscium]

I'll just share it here ig. I just wanna say that I'm really really happy abt a news I just received from a friend earlier. I can't say what's it abt yet bec I don't wanna jinx it. Lol. All I can say is that I'm really really happy that I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face earlier bec of it. I really really hope that whatever it is, will happen!! This thing will really help me turn my life around!!

I just wanna scream out of happiness and kick my feet in the air like a kid bec I'm that happy!

Wish me luck guys!!

[jezawitha-z]

• Due to DST, medyo hirap na naman body clock ko. Napansin ko nalang din na medyo struggling ako sa time management sa mga open cases ko. Need ko na ulit mag focus and to find strategy.

• My colleague recommends me to take a leave muna. Di pa naman ako burnout pero parang papunta na kasi doon.

• Natapos naman ako on time sa mga emails and ffups ko today. I just stayed longer para tapusin yung powerpoint presentation since group na namin magrereport/discuss ng work related topics later.

• I walked around 5 minutes at Skyline, then 10-15 minutes walk again from terminal to boarding house. I realized that I should make it a habit walking at Skyline after work for me to prepare narin para sa pag akyat ng bundok. Will gonna do it again tomorrow! :)

[definitely-not-so-pogi]

1:29pm off to Dau, Tarlac.

??? ETA to Baguio.

Tangina feeling ko maliligaw ako, first time ko lalayas mag-isa papunta sa malayo. Sobrang sponty netong lakad na to di ko alam kung ano pumasok sa isip ko.

[poleeeng]

I can’t sleep anymore. I suddenly have these urges to do stuff I love. Which stuff? That’s the problem. I’d like to do all of them. Di na ako makapili, bi! I like to read a book, I like to continue watching the series I’m watching, I want to grab my guitar and start learning again, di lang ‘yooon, I am also thinking of making a song cover with my uke kasi namimiss ko na. I can’t choose 😩 I couldn’t do all of them in just an hour; the only spare time I have rn.

I’ll probably end up watching the series nanaman. Kasi tatamadin na naman ako tapos mawawalan ng gana. Ang hirap pag ang dami mong gustong gawin tapos tamad ka. Wala ka talaga kwenta, pau. Haaay.

update: i ended up just listening to music. Nalunod nanaman ako sa pakikinig.

[bbarican]

012024 • highlight of the day: when in doubt, i will always go back to journalling ☁️

[psycholojay]

Let's all be better than we are last year.

Happy New Year Everyone! 💙

[stormstruck-angel]

I opened my laptop 1.5 hours ago. I have still not been able to open discord and my drawing program at the same time. both programs have stopped responding a minimum of three times each. 🫠 restarting yet AGAIN. my hopes of drawing anything tonight are dwindling into the infinitesimally small.

[vntildeath]

Long blog intro re-post sry

names aren't important here also im paranoid ×

I'm 21+ years old

trans × they/he

not actually using my real name for privacy reasons and because i'm paranoid about people finding this blog and confronting me about it

DNF/I

minors (preferably be in ur 20s but 18+ is fine)

-phobics (queer/trans/fat/etc idc. leave.)

pro-ed ppl/accounts

in recovery (i block u for ur sake)

If you made it past the DNI heres some things about me that are relevant ig:

I've had my ed for like idk .. most of my life ig but even beside that im extremely mentally ill and autistic (being vague on purpose)

ive been on and off mi/sh/ed tumblr since 2011/12 but i dont often reblog to this page anymore its more of a diary

I have a secondary blog for more spam ed/th1nspx bs @dvxspart if you want less personal stuff there's that if you're interested

I have tags on most posts so

#prsnl is my personal venting or information

#etc is anything not tagged as personal

#wght / #wght prog is we1ght shit

#tsaf is for f/ast/ing stuff

#log is cal logs and planning

very rarely I'll tag things as #tw/cw

But obviously this blog in itself is the tw/cw

And of course if any other questions come up feel free to ask.

Stats Below

5'2" | 157 cm

hw: 240.8 lbs | 109 kg

sw: 222 lbs | 102 kg (Jan 24th)

cw: 189 lbs | 86 kg

cgw: 180 lbs | 81 kg

gw1: 220 Has | 99 kg

gw2: 200 lbs | 90 kg

gw3: 180 lbs | 81 kg

gw4: 150 lbs | 72 kg

gw5: 135 lbs | 60 kg

gw6: 120 lbs | 54 kg

ugw: <110 lbs | <49 kg

i don't update my cw very often on this post (i want to be sure)

[kasaneteto]

bc of the recent elon update on twitter i am abandoning that platform so get ready for an influx of prsnl text posts sorry

[poetic-beats]

Just a vent..idk

It’s been really hard since moving back home. My dad is Idk I dont want to use the word abusive but he can be really cruel & nasty to me. He puts down my efforts/things I do. He treats me like shit I feel I can never do anything right/enough for him. He says horrible things about & to me. He’s aggressive & psychologically manipulative, verbally abusive & in my past he has on an occasion been physically abusive to me when I was either 17 or 18. 

Moving back here has been hard bcos despite now doing family therapy I feel like progress with him is always temporary or he might change on small things but what gets me is he cant acknowledge his abuse or that what he did was wrong the psychologist/therapist sat there & plainly told him if I’d been under my care at that time she would’ve called in a safeguarding team bcos of the Incident of physical abuse but he still cannot understand nor acknowledge that hitting me was wrong & it has caused psychological damage to me. 

He apologised to me & it was going really well til it became clear he was apologising because in his own words ‘hitting you was wrong Because it didn’t work as a discipline measure’ so no he didn’t acknowledge it was fundamentally wrong to hit me but that rather it was wrong bcos it didnt work & he was like ive tried doing what you wanted i apologised I acknowledged it & im like but you haven’t though!??

He got mad at ME like I wont bother..wasting my time as if i was being ungrateful that he was trying to apologise but like I’m sorry apologising but not realising or admitting you did something that was wrong doesn’t cut it. The next session we had i brought it up & again she straight out said & used the word abuse this time to try to get him to understand not in a judgemental way but she was trying to convey like factually how it would be viewed so he’d sort of understand but he just doesn’t. 

I dont see how I can repair a relationship w/ him if he can’t even admit he was abusive & that he still can be abusive now but if he doesn’t think hitting me was wrong/abuse then no way is he gonna see how his verbal actions are abusive. 

I cant live here it’s driving me insane Ive had so many breakdowns so many times where ive been so upset ive banged my head on the wall totally broke down & just so unable to handle things ( I’m sure I would’ve done more than hit my head on the wall if i had access to other things which i dont). 

I’m just so sad & I wonder if I’ll ever be able to repair this sometimes I wonder if i should even have to but I need to in a way bcos I need to hold onto hope that things will get better just a little bit bcos I’m not financially able to move out & wont be for a long time due to my mental & physical health so it’s a catch 22.

Idk how to handle any of this right now I’m so tired of being made to feel so small & shitty about myself. I’m tired of him saying things then calling me a liar when I call him out as if he never said it. I’m tired of the aggression the look he gets in his eyes that causes me to panic to breakdown just bcos of one look that makes me feel like I’m 18 again & hes chasing me up the stairs breaking free from my brother & hitting me. I’m tired of his volatile moods & not knowing if today hes going to be nice & caring Dad or angry nasty Dad. 

I cant keep doing this I just cant its destroying me. It’s completely destroying everything I’m working so hard towards. I feel so hopeless and helpless.

[itsdb97]

my cat richard passed away unexpectedly today. i haven't bonded with a cat so strongly since my senior boy, marcus... i'm in shock and absolutely stricken with grief. he was my special boy. he was barely 2 years old. it all seems so unfair.