#psychiatricsurvivor

[kratomkittycat]

I thought I was at the point where nothing could shock me, but this completely blew my mind. This doctor USED my reaction to how badly I have been harmed, abused , and mistreated out of context to make it sound like the problem was me.

I completely regret opening up to her. I didn’t realize she was going to gaslight me like this. I had no idea that she was an abuser. I didn’t realize that this is something I should assume about everyone I meet before I speak.

I told her the truth about things I would normally hide, and now I have to pay the price. And the worst part is, that she’s going to send it all to the people who abused me. Also known as my parents.

[johnalexwood]

RT @apsychefriends: #tytlive #liberty #psychiatricsurvivors https://t.co/y0ynCnmyGv

#tytlive #liberty #psychiatricsurvivors https://t.co/y0ynCnmyGv

— Antipsych And Frnds (@apsychefriends) February 4, 2017

from Twitter https://twitter.com/johnalexwood February 04, 2017 at 01:40AM via IFTTT

[kratomkittycat]

Why I was diagnosed with psychosis and put on court ordered medication…

Today, I had a memory of the first day I was at McLean, how I told the nurse about that time I was curled up in a ball screaming and crying because I was in excruciating pain because of my stomach issues (which I later found out were caused by an adverse reaction to antibiotics). During that, I accidentally sent a voicemail to a random number of my crying and screaming, saying things like “PLEASE MAKE IT STOP IT HURTS SO MUCH.” The voicemail was meant for my mom. I was so desperate for food, but too sick and weak to obtain a food that will relieve my pain, even though I had tried my absolute hardest. I texted my mom, but she was driving. I sent her a message that said “urgent,” and said that if she doesn’t pick up, then I will call 911. I tried to take zofran, but it didn’t do anything for my pain. It was only getting worse. At one point, when my mom was already home, she giggled and said “If you called 911, what are they gonna do?” I was also yelled at a lot, and told that I needed to act like a presentable 18 year old. When I told her that she was being cruel, she said, “No, I’m not being cruel. I’m helping you be independent.” Later when I told my mom that it was wrong for her to laugh at me screaming in pain, she told me that I should not tell her what to do, and that me telling her not to do that is like when people used to tell me not to do drugs and how when they told me not to do drugs, I went “haha, I don’t care.” Other times when I was screaming in pain, my mom told me to stop because it was interrupting her TV show. She has even threatened that if I keep screaming then she won’t make me food.

When I told the nurse about this, he put in my notes that I “threatened to call 911.” It was very surprising, but sadly not shocking that he saw this as a threat. Because since I am disabled, he was unable to empathize with me or feel compassion for my pain. Normally, if someone can’t empathize or feel compassion, they are diagnosed with ASPD, but sadly, for disabled people, that is just the typical attitude providers have for us.

My treatment team then proceeded to contact my parents and make them a part of my treatment, and even went so far to say that they loved me (which after months of being treated the way I was by my parents, and them getting away with it because they would gaslight and make it look like my accusations are fueled by my mental illness and not their wrongdoings, I would never believe they do). Because of this, I developed an intense distrust towards my treatment team, and because of that and my distrust of my parents, I untimately got diagnosed with psychosis.

[kratomkittycat]

Burn In Hell (Dedicated to Maria)

The best thing that happened

To me in 2020

Is that you got a new job

And were no longer able to see me

I’m not gonna miss you

You’re prejudiced

You’re sadistic

You chose this career

To prey on those who aren’t as privileged

Convinced me I won’t thrive

Without your help

Tried to mold me into someone

Who hates myself

No matter how bad I’m hurt

You’ll have a cover story

Why ever take the blame

When you can say I’m crazy?

I hope you burn in hell

‘Cause you’re just so full of hate

And nothing I could say or do could convince you

To not put me through hell

And it’s not that you just can’t relate

But because I’m not like you

You don’t think I’m human

I’ve begged you to stop

You said what you did was help

You pretend like you mean well

So please just burn in hell

You say abuse is a form of love

And that I’m playing the victim

And that you know what’s best for me

And I can’t make my own decisions

When I would try to speak up

You’d just shut me down

Saying that what you say is facts

And what I say is opinions

And what I say is opinions

I hope you burn in hell

‘Cause you’re just so full of hate

And nothing I could say or do could convince you

To not put me through hell

And it’s not that you just can’t relate

But because I’m not like you

You don’t think I’m human

I begged you to stop

You said what you did was help

You pretend like you mean well

So please just burn in hell

You tried to make me think

The problem was me

You pretend like you mean well

So please just burn in hell

I hope when you hear this song

You know it’s about you

And you wanna end your life

The way you made me too

But nothing I could ever do

Could make you feel the pain you put me through

I hope you burn in hell

‘Cause you’re just so full of hate

And nothing I could say or do could convince you

To not put me through hell

And it’s not that you just can’t relate

But because I’m not like you

You don’t think I’m human

[kratomkittycat]

Why did I stop reaching out for help?

1. Because people discredit/challenge/debate my trauma.

2. Because the “helpers” hurt me and then say that the REAL problem is me

3. What Ed said about it being extremely hard to find a therapist who doesn’t think my parents love me and also supports my drug use goals.

4. Because the only way to get someone to NOT hate me is to not let them get to know me

5. Because of “the cycle.” I meet someone, they treat me decently, I feel a rush of relief that FINALLY I met someone who doesn’t hate me and doesn’t want to harm me, then I find out they actually do, then I’m in an even worse place then I was before I met them. So I need to protect myself by not having any close relationships whatsoever.

6. Because if I tell people that I was abused, I could get locked up in a mental institution on court ordered meds again.

7. Because literally nobody cares.

[kratomkittycat]

I had a rough afternoon, just constantly thinking about my life situation. And today, when I got my Abilify Maintena shot, the nurse asked me if I ever think about hurting or killing myself. To be honest, I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to stop myself from having no choice but to end my miserable life in the future. Nobody can live the way I’ve been living (not having one human who treats them with basic human decency). It’s just not humane.

[kratomkittycat]

I often see posts about how someone died, and how everyone is grieving and so devastated. These posts are extremely upsetting to me, because I wish that if I died, people would feel the same way. But the reality is that they wouldn’t. People often say that a big reason someone shouldn’t kill themself is because of how much people will miss them and that it’s selfish. But in my case, the fact that I continue to stay alive is considered selfish.

I remember the conversations that made me realize this. There was more than one, but the one that sticks out to me the most is the one I had with my therapist Shanna, in April of 2021. We talked about how if I ever became suicidal, she would force me to stay in a psychiatric hospital.

I have been forced to stay in a psychiatric hospital before (for a different reason), and it was an extremely traumatizing experience. If I was ALREADY suicidal, and the response was to traumatize me, that would actually make me MORE suicidal. Instead of it helping me stay alive, it would CAUSE me to kill myself. I told Shanna this. She acknowledged that it would cause my death, but she said, with absolutely no remorse, that she would do it anyway. And so, the never ending debate that I always lose begins…

I have read stories about other people doing the same types of things that Shanna intends to do. One famous example is the Phoebe Prince story. Phoebe Prince was a girl who was bullied so severely that it caused her to kill herself. The bullies went to jail for murder. I told Shanna about Phoebe and how sending me to a psychiatric hospital would be like sending Phoebe to a school with twice as many bullies than the school she went to. Shanna acknowledged this, but said she would do it anyway.

I understand, that not all people who believe that involuntary hospitalization is a solution for suicidal people, are bad people. Some therapists don’t know better and think that it will save their client’s life. There is a huge difference between those therapists and Shanna though. The difference is that Shanna is fully aware that her doing this would cause my death. I know that she is fully aware, because I told her. And she acknowledged it, but said she’d do it anyway. She doesn’t care that it would cause my death.

It reminds me of a situation with my cat. One time, I wanted to put my cat in a certain box. But then, I found out that the box was not breathable, and that he would die if I put him in. So I decided not to put him in. But what if, despite knowing that he would die, I put him in anyway? That would be murder. And that’s exactly what Shanna wants to do to me.

At some point during our conversation, I said the words “don’t like.” I don’t remember when. But Shanna kept saying, “This isn’t about what you like and what you don’t like.” This was during the same conversation that she told me her intentions of causing my death. The reason why I never forgot that statement is because it made me realize that to her, my death is not something tragic, devastating, or worth grieving over. The most it’s considered is something I “don’t like.” And apparently, this isn’t about what I like and don’t like.

She also asked me, “What would you do if you were me and you had to deal with someone like you wanting to kill themselves?” This is a classic line that everyone uses when someone hurts me, no matter how big the hurt is. Every time I open up about the fact that I was abused, I get this classic line. “Well what would you do?”

Shanna also said, “I’m only human” in regards to her thinking that I deserve to die, and thinking that I should empathize with her, and that I should also think that I deserve to die. And I realize this isn’t normal. When Gabby Petito died, how many times did her grieving family get told these things? Or how about the teacher at the local high school that got killed? I bet you nobody told their families these types of things after they were killed. But that’s what I’m being told, not only by my therapist, but by every mental health provider I’ve seen in the past couple of years. My former mentor Zoe even told me that even though she knows that if she involuntarily commits me, that it would cause me to kill myself, then she would still do it, and if I kill myself when I get out, it’s my choice. She, like Shanna, said this with no remorse. How many people said this when Phoebe Prince died?

I really do believe that if Shanna, Zoe, or any of my providers follow through with their plan, they would not go to jail. In fact, I don’t think ANYONE would go to jail for murdering me in ANY type of way. Because my life doesn’t matter enough to others. I remember telling my story to my former peer support counselor Skully, only to hear them say, “I don’t think Shanna wants to kill you, I think she’s just going to keep justifying what she’s doing and telling herself that she’s doing the right thing. She doesn’t realize she’s not.” The reason why this response stood out to me so much is because, when someone else is in danger of being murdered, people don’t take it so lightly, the way Skully did. I think that me being murdered will never be looked at the same as another human (such as Phoebe Prince) being murdered. Because people see me as less than human, and don’t realize that I’m not just some animal that can be put down.

Knowing all this, I better enjoy every moment of my life to the fullest, because I never know which of these days will be my last.

[kratomkittycat]

My new doctor just asked me to send her a message telling her why I was diagnosed with psychosis and why I feel the diagnosis is not accurate. I don’t know what to do, and I’m scared. I literally just made a post about it. I want to not tell her because I need to protect myself, but if I don’t tell her she will ask my past doctors.

I am scared also because I accidentally told her about my past suicidal feelings and how I was actually gonna do it

[kratomkittycat]

I actually realized that I wanted to make a post about how I wish I was treated the way people who get off on hurting people are treated in our society. Because they get treated so well and are respected so much more than me!! For example, when my parents told mobile crisis this gigantic monologue about how messed up of a person I am and how I make their lives unbearable, mobile crisis did not question a word they said. They did not challenge or discredit them. But when I talked about how badly I was being abused, they turned every thing I said around and said it was a “symptom.” I wish I was heard the way people who hurt people are heard.

Another example is that every time I open up about being abused to a mentor or therapist, their response is, “well what would you do if you had to deal with someone who has your behaviors?” And when I say, “I don’t know.” They say, “see it’s a very hard place to be in.”

I’ve never been treated with the mind of empathy and decency abusers get treated with in my entire life. I don’t want to become an abuser, but all of this makes me wonder if I was one (or if I pretended to be one) if I would finally start being treated with kindness (the way the people who abused me are treated).

[kratomkittycat]

I found this journal entry from October 23rd, 2021:

“I’m at Nick’s house and his mom Jane was talking badly about Nick’s abusive father and saying the bad things he did and that he should burn in hell. She was also talking badly about people who abused her cat before she adopted him. The things she was saying really shocked me, such as, “I’m glad I got that cat out of that hellhole.”

The reason why this shocked me is because she was always pro-abuse when it came to what happened to me, but I guess she’s against abuse if it happens to her or someone she cares about. She talks about how my parents love me and are there for me, what her and her kids and that cat went through isn’t even as bad as what I’ve been through. And I think it’s really sad, because I wish I was someone she cares about. I wish I was someone at least one person cares about. Like why is that too much to ask for. But I can’t tell her this, because she’d just tell my parents that I told her.”

This sums it all up right here. The worst part of what I’m going through is the fact that literally nobody cares.

[vtphotopro]

Staring into the sun... #hammocklife #hammock #sunnydays #happyplace #countrydog #psychiatricsurvivor (at Hampton, New York)