#pursue a relationship more earnestly later in the plot

[junonreactor]

hm

[lesbianaglaya]

Please elaborate on that The Idiot essay

Okay anon, ask and ye shall receive. Here is my manifesto on why I love The Idiot (1868-1869). Homoeroticism and me crying over Bakhtin under the cut.

Okay from here on out let me just warn you that there will be discussion of epilepsy, sexual abuse, violence against women, murder, and suicide. I never claimed it wasn’t a messed up story.

Let me start off by saying, this is not a good novel. It was written as a desperate cash grab by Dostoevsky after he and his wife Anna had had to move to Switzerland for financial reasons (they were rather continually in debt due to Dostoevsky’s gambling problem. In fact, they’d met when Fyodor hired Anna as a stenographer to help him write down The Gambler, the completion of which he’d bet all his rights to his published works on).  The four separate parts are only loosely linked by narrative threads, things don’t follow the course you would expect from a work of literature, and the protagonist of the novel’s literal schtick is that he was supposed to be “a perfectly beautiful man”. Which, yeah, great in theory but in reality people don’t want perfect protagonists. The morals of the novel tend towards Dostoevsky’s own often troubling views of religion and morality, and it is a distinctly 19th century work.

And yet, it’s still one of my favourite things I’ve ever read. Not only are there some truly insane homoerotic moments in here, but there are some brilliant moments of play with narrative voice, society novel-esque shenanigans, questions about the nature of goodness and what that really means, and, of course, one really hot moment where a woman slaps a guy who’s being a dick in the face with a riding crop.

The loose plot of the novel is that Prince Lev Nikolaevich Myshkin, the eponymous idiot (and a holy fool, or as Dostoevsky once described him, “Prince Christ”), is returning to Russia from a period of many years in Switzerland being treated for epilepsy. On the train into Petersburg he meets Rogozhin, a young man who has just inherited an enormous fortune after the death of his father. They begin talking, and Rogozhin confides in Myshkin about his love for (read: obsession with) a girl known as Nastasya Filipovna. (This seems weird doesn’t it? Just confessing your major life problems to this weird guy sitting next to you on the train? Yea that’s just what people do around Myshkin). Upon arriving in Petersburg, Myshkin goes to meet with his distant relations, the Epanchins, to get to know them and form a family connection. The rest of the novel is these characters cycling through various love (?) plots, more random inheritances, people dying of consumption, going to stay in the country for a while Just Because, and other stereotypical 19th century novel things.

What makes it unique is that each character is their own person with their own thoughts, experiences and world views and the novel is these views interacting and clashing, or as Bakhtin puts it “a plurality of consciousness, with equal rights and each with its own world”. The characters are not there to help prove any thesis or idea; instead the thesis of the novel is how these characters differing views interact with each other. Myshkin is the lens of this, making it a picture of how each different character (or world view) reacts to his inherent goodness.

Of course, that’s all very... meta. Fun to discuss, but it doesn’t necessarily make the book fun to read. That’s where Nastasya Filipovna comes in.

Nastasya Filipovna, the girl that Rogoshin is “in love with” is a young woman who was born to nobility but orphaned and then sexually abused and turned into a concubine by her guardian Totsky. At the beginning of the novel she has escaped the control of Totsky and is in the incredibly tenuous situation of being provided an income from him for not completely destroying his reputation. A marriage has been arranged by Totsky (so that he won't have to worry about her any more) between her and this one asshole Ganya, but she has not agreed to it yet and has said she will announce her decision at her name day party.

At said name day party is where things get Crazy. She goes ham, mocking Ganya (who she knows hates her) for selling himself for the money promised in marrying her, verbally torturing Totsky, and generally saying fuck you to everyone while also tossing in a good amount of self hatred. Myshkin (whom she invited after meeting him once earlier that day for like five seconds seriously just role with it) declares quite earnestly that he thinks she is a good person and if she likes he’ll marry her amd also that he just inherited a fuck ton of money. Nastya is taken aback, and agrees to marry Myshkin. Then Rogozhin shows up (drunk, with the lads) and we find out Nastya has been planning all this. She tells Myshkin that she can’t actually marry him because he’s too innocent and she believes herself to be awful, and then asks Rogozhin for the money he promised her. Rogozhin hands over 100,000 rubles and Nastasya proceeds to toss them in the fire, tell Ganya that they’re his if he’ll reach in to get them out, and then leaves her own party with Rogozhin!!! I said this novel was batshit!!!!

Nastya through out the novel continues to be The Best Character, writing homoerotic letters to Aglaya Epanchina, who I FIRMLY choose to see as a lesbian, smoking cigars, and of course, upon hearing a man say of her “Here you simply need a whip, there’s no other way with this creature”, in return “she rushed to a young man completely unknown to her who was standing two steps away and holding a thin, braided riding crop, tore it out of his hand, and struck the offender accross the face as hard as she could”.  Iconique. Of course, her story ends tragically but we’ll get into that later.

To quickly touch on Aglaya Epanchina, because I love her, she is one of the daughters of the Epanchin family, she and Myshkin almost get married, and she ends the novel by running off with a foreigner and becoming (horrified whisper) Catholic. Anyway she and Nastya have a brief but horribly gay dicourse where Nastya confesses her love (platonic of course. That is definitely how I, a lesbian, read this) for Aglaya and Aglaya refuses to believe her. Aglaya says she wants to marry Myshkin specifically because then she wouldn’t have to be a wife and a mother and could pursue what she wants and continue to learn. Also at one point Aglaya adopts a hedgehog. That’s Lesbianism Baybee. Her ending is supposed to be tragic but I choose to believe that her marriage is a lavender marriage and she and her gay husband are having wild fun around Europe. Let me have this.

Now for what you’ve all been waiting for — more homoeroticism.

Myshkin and Rogoshin’s dynamic is, like, fully insane. After their first meeting on the train, Rogozhin says to Myshkin “Prince, I don’t know why I’ve come to love you. . . . Come and see me, Prince. We’ll take those wretched gaiters off you; I’ll dress you in a top-notch marten coat; I’ll have the best of tailcoats made for you, a white waistcoat, or whatever you like; I’ll stuff your pockets with money”. Slow down lover boy you met this man five minutes ago and you’re already trying to sugar daddy him?? It only gets worse from here.

Part II of the novel picks up six months after the name day party. Rogozhin and Myshkin have in the intervening time “often happened to spend long hours together, and there had even been several moments during their meetings that had left an all too memorable imprint upon their hearts”. Yeah. It’s also said that Rogozhin is jealous of Myshkin maybe holding some of Nastya’s affection but like. It just reads a lot like Rogozhin is torn between Nastya and Myshkin, which he is in a way because being in love with friends with Myshkin and Nastya  (lavender) marrying Myshkin (that’s not an exaggeration it’s basically out right stated that if Myshkin and Nastya married they would not have sex), would mean giving up the weird destructive obsession he and Nastya have with each other. This is supposed to imply coming to Jesus. I take it as accepting your homosexuality because Dostoevsky is dead and I can do what I want.

So Myshkin shows up at Rogozhin’s house and things are a bit awkward (Rogozhin has maybe been stalking Myshkin??) His “affectionate” smile is described “as if something had been broken, and try as he might, he was unable to glue it back together.” Anyway.

They begin actually talking and oh boy. I’ll just present these without comment.

“I’ve come to bring you peace, because you, too, are dear to me. I love you very much Parfyon. And now I’ll go and never come again. Farewell.” “‘Stay with me a little’ Parfyon said quietly, without getting up from his place and leaning his head on his right hand, ‘I haven’t seen you in a very long time.’”

“When you’re not in front of me, I feel spite for you Lev Nikolaevich. . . . Now you haven’t sat with me a quarter of an hour and all my spite is gone, and I love you like before. Stay with me a little . . .’”

“Nobody’s asking our opinion. It got decided without us. And we love differently too.”

“I didn’t want to come here! I wanted to forget everything here, tear it out of my heart!”

Not to mention the jealousy Rogozhin has for the perceived relationship between Myshkin and Nastya. Hmmmm. Anyway after all That, Rogozhin insists that he and Myshkin trade crosses, his golden one for Myshkin’s tin one.

And THEN Rogozhin proceeds to stop Myshkin from leaving again, and takes him to get his mother’s blessing, which is the same thing he did with Nastasya!!!!!! I feel insane.

After this Myshkin returns to his hotel but then Rogozhin follows him and um. Tries to stab him. With the knife that’s been built up as a phallic symbol through the whole novel. But then Myshkin falls into an epileptic fit and Rogozhin flees. Like this is deeply fucked up but What The Hell am I supposed to be thinking rn??

Anyway the next time they meet it’s in the countryside and Myshkin has fully forgiven him for the murder attempt. Indeed “struck by Rogozhin’s sudden appearance, the prince was unable to collect his thoughts for sometime, and a painful sensation rose again in his heart.”

Rogoshin has apparently not forgiven himself for trying to kill Myshkin, to which Myshkin responds “all that you went through that day I now know as well as I know my own self. What you were imagining did not and could not exist.” *jenny slate scream*

Myshkin proceeds to invite Rogozhin home with him, saying “I have some wine, we’ll drink wine, you must wish me something I myself don’t know how to wish for now, and it’s precisely you who must wish it, and I’ll wish you your fullest happiness. Or else give me back my cross! You didn’t even send it back to me the next day! You’re wearing it? Wearing it even now?” and THEN he says “I don’t want to meet my new life without you because my new life has begun! Don’t you know that my new life begins today?” and then they head home together.

Okay skipping over a bunch of stuff because 1) I havent read the novel in a year and while i know there’s more stuff in there I don’t know exactly where and I don’t want to be flipping pages for another hour and 2) this is already insanely long so. For context in the intervening time Rogozhin and Nastya do end up getting married (which everyone including the two of them kind of agree that it’s just a way for them both to kill each other/basically comit suicide. Fun!). So that’s exactly what happens, and Myshkin runs to their house, arriving too late and finding that Rogozhin has stabbed Nastya and she is dead. Thus ensues a scene that makes me so insane I cant... look here just take this:

“‘So let her lie here now, next to us, next to me and you...’

‘Yes, yes!’ the prince agreed warmly.”

And

“‘I’ll make up the bed and you can lie down... and I’ll lie down with you... and we’ll listen... because I don’t know yet man... I don’t know everything yet, man, so I’m telling you about it ahead of time, so you’ll know all about it ahead of time...’”

And

“But two people could not lie on the sofa, and he absolutely wanted to make up beds now side by side, and that way why, with great effort, he now dragged pillows of various sizesfrom both sofas all the way across the room, right up to the opening in the curtain. The bed got made up anyhow; he went over to the prince, took him tenderly and rapturously by the arm, got him to his feet, and led him to the bed”

And

“[Rogozhin was] laying the prince down on the left, better, pillows, himself on the right”

And

“‘What did you use? A knife? That same one?’

‘That same one’”

And

“The prince would reach out his trembling hand to him and quietly touch his head, his hair, stroke it and stroke his cheeks... there was nothing more he could do! . . . and pressed his face to the pale and motionless face of Rogozhin; tears flowed from his eyes onto Rogozhin’s cheeks”

And

“He quietly hastened to pass his trembling hand over his hair and cheeks, as if caressing and soothing him”

And then the cops show up and there’s a brief epilogue talking about how everything is terrible now and Myshkin goes back to Switzerland because he’s incoherent with grief. Insane.

So there’s also a lot in this novel about what is actually good, and how people react when confronted with goodness, etc. etc. but this is five pages in google docs and I need to. Stop. Anyway if you made it to the end cheers this novel is awful and insane and I love it. Dostoevsky do not interact I hate your crusty ass even if your prose makes me feel things.

[liliah39]

Bliss: (Freddie Mercury X Male! Reader Oneshot)

Word Count: 3.2 K

Warnings: None! Just loads of fluff!

Plot: You and Brian are best friends, he knows about your sexuality, but doesn’t know about yours and Freddie’s feelings for each other. It comes a time when you and Freddie are ready to be open with your relationship. How will Brian take it?

A/N: This is a HalloQueen Event Gift for @rushingheadlong​ !! Surprise! I’m your Secret Santa! Thank you for hosting it @dtfrogertaylor​ ! I hope you enjoy it darling! I did my best! It was so nice talking to you and getting to know you! Please keep in touch darling! I think I feel more comfortable writing male reader after this, so I might be able to do a Brian one if you want one! Just leave me a request for a oneshot in my asks! (Also plz excuse typos) -C

October 1976:

With the autumn leaves changing color, a new chill was in the air, confirming that fall was upon you. You hurriedly zipped up your coat as you ran inside the recording studio with coffees for Brian and his band mates, eager to see Freddie. 

You and Brian were best friends, and always had been since you were little. You grew up as neighbors, and basically were never apart. He got you fascinated with the stars due to his own obsession, making stargazing in one of your backyards in the summer your favorite pastimes, and sometimes you’d stargaze  in your snowsuits in the winter if you were feeling risky. Of course the two of you did other things too, running, hide and seek, pretending you were pirates sailing the seven seas; a typical thing for young boys to do, but as you grew together your interests changed. It went from pirates to The Beatles as the sixties rolled in, each of you getting the extremely unfortunate bowl cut and doing your best to form a band. You were never as musically talented as Brian was, but you could manage on bass, and were able to have a garage band with him and a couple of other boys from school for a couple years before Brian’s talent had surpassed all of you. Although, no matter how your interests changed, the two of you always found time to look at the stars. 

Now you were both just out of your first four years of college, still living in an apartment together and trying to figure out the next step in your lives. Brian opted to put his schooling on hold for a while to pursue his band Queen, which seemed to be going surprisingly well, however you decided to get your PhD in Astrophysics, the field both you and Brian decided to go to school for together. Even still, the two of you told each other everything concerning your lives; it’s like you were each the brother that the other never had. 

Brian was the first to know about your sexuality, and took it extremely well. Said it never bothered him, that he’d love you and your were still his best mate either way. He said in some way he always knew, but was just happy that you were in tune with yourself enough to be able to find someone you truly loved. He always told you about his new girlfriends he’d meet, but they’d never last long. However, there was one thing you didn’t think you could tell Brian. You didn’t know how. 

You were in love with his other best friend.

His best friend that hadn’t come out yet. 

His best friend that was Freddie Fucking Mercury. 

You took a deep breath as you walked in the door to the studio, remembering how your feelings for Freddie had budded all those years ago. 

~~~~~Flashback to 1974~~~~~

Brian introduced the two of you when he had started talking to Brian at Smile gigs. Freddie was so insistent about being in a band with Brian and Roger that he went to all of Smile’s performances. You were usually at them too unless you had a test the next day, always wanting to be supportive of your best friend. You and Freddie hung out together throughout the Smile gigs constantly, always singing, dancing, or getting drinks at the bar. His beauty seemed ethereal; an extremely attractive, dark haired man with an attitude that could kill. It was then that you not only realized you liked men. 

You loved him. 

After Tim left and Queen formed, you were at all the performances, hungry to watch Freddie parading across the stage in your solitary confinement of your love for him. You kept your feelings to yourself for years, unable to admit them and lose your friendship with Freddie. Besides, he was dating Mary. There was no use in making a fool of yourself.  Although, one day after Queen played at The Rainbow in 1974, about a week after Freddie had broken up with Mary for what he said were “personal complications, he stopped you and asked if you wanted to go get a drink, like the old days when they were playing local bars every night.

“I’d love to Fred, really, but you know, Brian’s not 100% yet. I know he’s back and playing, but he’s only been out of the hospital for a month. I should go home and make sure he’s okay. Sorry, mate.” you solemnly admitted. 

Freddie nodded his head understandably, although you couldn’t help but notice a look of sadness and disappointment in his eyes. “Of course, I understand, Y/N. Next time, Darling.” He winked, stuttering through his words as if nervous to talk to you. 

That’s odd, you thought, as Freddie opened the door to his dressing room and quietly shut it behind him. You walked next door to Brian’s dressing room, knocking to announce your entrance before walking in to see him putting his guitar in its case. 

“Hey Bri,” you said, trying to be cheerful, “how’re you feeling?” 

“Alright, Y/N. Really, I’m okay. Quite tired, but I’m alright. Just need to go home and rest.” He smiled. 

“You sure?”

“I’m sure,” he laughed, “you’re always so worried about me.” 

“Well that’s ‘cuz I wouldn’t know what to do without you, Brian. We’ve been inseparable for how long now? It’d be like taking away my other half if something happened to you.” You laughed. 

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense, I’d be the same way if I was in your shoes.” He laughed. “You’ve been so helpful in the last couple of months while I’ve been going through all this, Y/N, and I’m completely capable of taking care of myself now. I just played two nights of concerts. I’m okay, Y/N. Go out. Have some fun. I’m worried about you. You haven’t done anything except for take care of me for ages. As your best friend, I’m telling you you need to go out and have some fun.”

He could see the hesitant look on your face. You were worried about him. 

“As your best friend I command that you get your life back.” Brian joked, making both of you laugh. 

“Alright, alright.” You resigned. “You’ve been very active for a couple days, so I won’t do anything for tonight, but I’ll go out soon, I promise.” 

“Were you asked to do something tonight?” Brian pried. 

“Well…” You hesitantly started. “I was. But I turned it down. More worried about you.” You admitted. 

“Y/N,” Brian said, hands on his hips. “Go do something. Go out. Who asked you?”

“Freddie.” You admitted. “He wanted to go get drinks.”

“Go with him,” he urged. “Find yourself a guy. I’ll be fine. I’ll see you back at home later.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Thanks mate.” You smiled, turning around and exiting his dressing room, knocking on Freddie’s which was next door. “Fred?” You called. 

After a couple of minutes, the door blew open, “Hello, Darling.” He smiled. “Come in,” he said, turning around and closing the door behind the two of you. “Couldn’t resist my offer?” He teased. 

“I guess not.” You laughed. “Brian said he’ll be fine, and I haven’t gotten out in a while, so I figured I’d get a couple drinks. I miss talking to you.” You said earnestly, putting a hand on Freddie’s shoulder as you spoke. 

“Wonderful!” He exclaimed. “Then just give me a moment to get dressed and we’ll be on your way.” 

~~~~ 

He brought you to a bar called Blessing’s Tavern that was just down the road, the two of you laughing the entire way. Over a couple of shots and far too many beers, the two of you caught up on life from the last couple of months, hearing about the recording process of the new Sheer Heart Attack album which you missed out on because of Brian’s hospitalization. After his story was over, there was an uncomfortable silence between the two of you. Something you each wanted to bring up, but resisted. 

You couldn’t help it anymore. 

“So, how are you doing, Fred? The whole thing with Mary?” 

“Oh I’m just fine, Darling.” He assured you. “We’re still close friends. I’m the one who pulled the trigger; it was my choice. Thanks for asking though.”

“I know, but any break up is difficult no matter what way it happens or what side of it you’re on. I’m here if you need me.” You assured with a smile, patting him on the shoulder. 

“Thank you.” He smiled. “I’m really fine. I guess you could say I just came to terms with myself. Who I am, you know?” 

You nodded. You definitely knew. That’s exactly what you said when you came out. It made you confused. Did Freddie realize he had feelings for guys, and that’s why he broke up with Mary? 

You stayed silent for a while, a million thoughts rushing through your head as you contemplated what his previous sentence possibly could have meant. 

You couldn’t speak. 

You couldn’t do anything. 

Is it possible he likes me to?

Just then, he was the one to break the silence. “I see you looking at me.” 

“W-what? Well I’m sitting right next to you, Fred. Course I’m looking at you.” 

“No, Darling. I mean when I’m on stage.” 

“Well yeah, that too?” 

“Jesus, Y/N. You haven’t figured it out yet?” 

“Figured what out?” 

“Oh don’t act so oblivious. I see that you feel the same way. I broke up with Mary because I wasn’t happy with the lie I was living, I’m not straight. And if I’m right, you aren’t either.” he retorted. 

Silence. 

You’d never told anyone else other than Brian, let alone your other best friend AND your crush. 

“Am I right?” He asked. 

You nodded. “But don’t tell the others. Brian’s the only one who knows.” 

“Oh I’d never,” he admitted. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone either. You’re the first person I’ve told.” 

“Why me, Freddie? Why tell me first?”

“Because I figured you were going through the same thing, and because well, I like you. Figured I’d just be straight forward about it, you know?” 

You nodded. “Wait, you like me?” 

“Yeah, Love. Quite a bit, actually. Didn’t make me break up with my girlfriend for nothing.” He laughed. 

“Wow.” You said, truly astonished. 

“What? I’m sorry, Y/N. Do you not feel the same way? God this is why I didn’t want to do this, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.” 

You laughed at the irony. “Actually, quite the opposite. You were spot on. Spot on to the point I’ve been into you for the last four years and never said anything because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. What are the odds?” You laughed. 

“Oh thank god.” He said, clearly relieved, and pulling you in for an embrace. “You have no idea how hard that was.” 

“Oh believe me, I do.” You laughed. 

“Well then, we must celebrate! I’d like champagne!” He screamed to the bartender who was at the other end of the bar, making you laugh at his brutal honesty. 

~~~~End Flashback~~~~

You stepped into the boys’ room to be greeted with smiles, hellos, and many thanks for bringing much needed coffee. Freddie stopped playing piano to come over and pull you into a tight embrace, kissing your cheek after making sure no one would notice. 

The two of you had been seeing each other privately ever since your feelings were confessed all those years ago, yet had done an excellent job of hiding it. The other three members didn’t even know, not even Brian. 

“I like your shirt, Fred.” You smiled, making him blush. 

“Why thank you, Darling!” he winked, knowing it was one of your favorites whenever you spent the night at his place. The other three noticed the odd encounter yet said nothing of it, assuming it was just a typical conversation between two friends. 

On a break, you hopped onto the piano bench next to Freddie, trying your best to make what you were saying look like a casual conversation. 

“Love,” You started, “can we go to the park after? I’ve got to talk to you about something.” 

“ ‘Course. Say no more.” He smiled. “You’ll drive me, won’t you?” 

“I always do.” You smiled in a sing song voice. 

~~~~ 

The two of you sang along to the radio in the short, fifteen minute car ride to a solitary end of the park, walking hand in hand to a bench in the middle of a path, the bench you and Freddie had specifically named yours, in a comfortable silence. You observed the way the sunlight hit his perfectly chilled face, jet black hair waving in the autumn wind. 

“You’re so beautiful, Freddie.” You softly admitted as he pressed a kiss to your lips. 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” He said as the two of you sat on your bench together, his arm around your shoulder. “You wanted to talk?”

“Yup.” You laughed. “God, why are you always so to the point?” You teased at him.

“Because things can be so drawn out sometimes, Dear! When some conversations are heavier or more uncomfortable, I just want to get it over with. No need to dwell on them.” He huffed, the temperament of a princess, making his shirt extremely fitting. 

“Alright, alright.” You laughed. “I think it’s time, Freddie.” 

“Time for what?” his face grew worried. “Please don’t say you’re leaving me.”

“Oh god no,” you smiled. “I’ll never leave you, Baby.”

He pressed a soft kiss to your lips in relief. “Then time for what, Y/N.” 

“Time we tell them. Our friends. Our family. Brian especially. We’ve gotta come out. Say we’re together. Not to the public, because you know they won’t understand, but our friends have to know. They deserve to know.” 

He nodded, taking in all you just said. 

“And especially Brian, Freddie. Brian’s got to know. He’s my bloody roommate and best friend for crying out loud. I hate lying to him, sneaking out at night to come see you. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep hurting him blindly.” 

“I understand.” Freddie smiled. “I’m just nervous. They know about you, I just haven’t manned up enough to tell them yet. What if they kick me out?” 

“They won’t kick you out, Love.” You laughed. “I think they already have their suspicions, to be honest. Brian asked me the other day if you were gay. Said I didn’t know of course. He said it’d just make sense to him if you were from your stage costumes and such.” 

“Oh. That’s a good thing, right?” He asked. 

“Yes, Love. A good thing.”  You assured him. 

“What is they don’t think that me coming out is a good move for the band? What if they kick me out?” He worried. 

“Freddie. They’re your  best friends. They’re not going to kick you out. And like I said, just to our friends, not the whole world yet. Okay?” 

“Okay.” He smiled. “Please don’t think my insecurities have anything to do with you, Darling. I was actually thinking today about how nice it would have been to just be us at rehearsal instead of this facade, you know?” He smiled. 

“It’ll all be okay soon, my Love.” You assured him. “I promise.” 

~~~~~

The two of you decided to tell Brian first. It only seemed right to you; you knew that if he was in your position he’d do the same thing. You picked Freddie up at his house, pressing your lips to his as he got in the car. 

“I love your jacket, Fred!” You smiled. “Trying to dress for the occasion, are you?” 

“ ‘Course.” He smiled. “I always do!” 

“Must be new, right?”

“Yes, good job at noticing, Darling. I’ve got the best boyfriend in the world.” he smiled. 

“So do I.” 

~~~~

When arriving at your apartment, everything was extremely normal, the three of you just sitting in the living room laughing as you listened to a Beatles record. After a short while, you could tell it was time to just admit the true reason you were there. Freddie said he left telling Brian up to you seeing as the  two of you were incredibly close. 

“Brian.” 

He heard the tone in your voice change, his head snapping up. 

“Can we talk to you?”

“Course, everything alright?” 

“Yeah yeah, it’s just-  Well remember a couple 

years ago when I told you about me, and how I felt? My sexuality and all?”

“Yeah?” He said curiously. 

“Well, um I’ve found someone.” You smiled. 

“Really?! That’s great, Y/N. Who is it? When can I meet him?” 

“Well you already have.” You smiled, taking Freddie’s hand in yours. 

“You see, Freddie has expressed that he feels the same way I do, and we got to talking and doing more together over the last year or so, really acting like we’ve been together in the last six months or so, and we just decided it was time to say how we’ve been feeling, wanted to tell you first.” 

“Really?” Brian smiled. 

“Really.” Freddie confirmed. 

“Guys!” Brian said, leaping up and engulfing the two of you in his huge arms, “Really?! This couldn’t be any better!”

You and Freddie looked at each other smiling with a quick peck on the lips. 

You knew this was the start of something wonderful.

~~~~~

Roger and John took the news just as well, acting as if nothing had changed. It gave you and Freddie each such a weight off of your backs to know the two of you had the support of your wonderful friends behind you. 

You moved in with Freddie a couple months later, not expecting to have cried as much when you left your apartment with Brian, but the two of you were crying like little girls. Freddie said it was almost like watching twins be separated after being together for 24 years, however, the separation was healthy for the two of you and improved your relationship drastically. It also allowed you to mature as a person as well. 

You made it to everyone of Queen’s concerts, taking breaks from school and work to go on tour with them, and you honestly had never been happier in your life. You got to spend each night watching your boyfriend and best friends who had turned into your family perform. You got to see your best friend flourish as a guitarist little by little each and every day, and you got to watch the love of your life, Freddie, parade around stage each night looking ethereal in his flowy white shirts and tight, sexy leather ensembles as he serenaded you, telling you each night that he sang each song for you and only you. It was bliss. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Ah!!! That’s it! I really hope you like it, I put so much work into it! Happy Halloween to you all!! Also, sorry it took so long, I had to carve pumpkins!

[mysticandskepticmuses]

MEET Rori LuAnne* Dearing.   ( Altered Carbon based original character. )

                *Please note.  Any use of her middle name in character will result in her losing her shit because who the fuck names their child LuAnne in the 25th century it’s so 400 years ago….

                 First things first, OOC, yes, this is the same face claim as I use for Saori; it’s intentional / for plot purposes w/ certain characters where that holy shit it’s like looking at a ghost trope is lots of fun so…  Also, I think it’s particularly interesting in a world where bodies can be custom made and DNA is literally just a playground for scientists for there to be this freak natural repetition / recreation after 250 years.  It is something that family members remark on from time to time, but it’s not something that a lot of them really pay that much attention to, it’s the oh you look so much like so and so, but since none of the living family members even met Saori they don’t realize just how identical the resemblance is.  And most people that meet her wouldn’t know enough about her history / lineage to know though so.  She’s just a pretty, long-legged, pierced and tattooed cutie pie.    [ Any of those rare survivors from Envoy era that were at Stronghold or on Harlan’s World, or any that might have VR’ed in to a conference or something w/ Saori are totally free / encouraged to notice and react of course !!! ]

                  Yes, Rori is the great-great-great …. whatever many great-granddaughter of my other / latest original character, SAORI DEARING, an uprising sympathizer who lived on Harlan’s World during the Envoy war / during the time of the destruction of Stronghold.  [ the battle of stronghold is widely known as the battle where the Protectorate finally defeated the evil Envoys, murderers of children and women and whole families, terrorists who used sabotage, infiltration, mass murder, torture, bombings, wide spread terror attacks, etc. etc. etc. to try and overthrow the protectorate who wanted to do nothing more than keep the peace in known space etc. ] Rori and her older sister, CLAIRE DEARING, currently know nothing about their ancestor’s involvement with / support of the Uprising – which is probably for the best because Claire would probably die of mortification and Rori would loudly and proudly blast the news from the rooftops.  

                   Claire, written by Liz @magicandsciencemuses, is a (mostly) upstanding citizen who works earnestly to better her way of life and has a great amount of respect for the law and a more than healthy respect / knowledge of what the Meths are capable of; she is one of the directors of the Bay City branch of Psychasec as well as being a well renowned scientist in the field of genetics and body mods, cloning, synth, etc. etc.  She is very much the model child, works hard, works long hours, pays her taxes, follows the rules, tries very hard to keep out of trouble and avoid drama.    ADDITIONAL NOTE:  CLAIRE IS 200+ YEARS OLD.  Rori is in her forties (even though she appears in her early twenties) – in Meth years, Rori is practically a BABY.  

                   Rori, on the other hand, is pretty much the exact opposite.  While she is also intelligent and well educated, she was the wild child from the get go and was always the one that came home with the scraped knees and the bloody noses and the torn clothes, whether it was from actually just falling the frack over her own feet or getting into a fight with someone twice her size in defense of someone else or because they offended her with some smart ass / ill thought out comment that provoked her short-fused (but typically short-lived) temper.  She was almost always involved in some form of protests, some form of protect the planet, protect the species, protect the people, protect the sleeves movement, and became more and more focused on protecting the equality (or what is left of it) as she got ‘older’.  

                   She believes that a lot of what is acceptable and norm when it comes to the treatment of sleeves when it comes to the prison system and victim restitution as a whole is beyond fucked up   She believes that the whole essence of the prison system, stacks in storage, etc. is a huge step backwards and one that just does no good to anyone except those profiting financially from the system.  Ripping someone out of their sleeve and sticking them into storage seems entirely opposite of helpful to her.  There is no longer any opportunity for reform in the penal system.  Being on ice doesn’t give you time to think.  It doesn’t give you time to reflect on your life choices and realize what you’re missing.  It doesn’t give you time for soul searching or to learn methods in which to cope, it doesn’t allow you to better yourself in any way – literally the only thing that it does it rip you out of one time and then toss you back out into the world in what was just a blink of an eye to you.  Nothing changes.  Worst case scenario, you’re in a stranger’s body, a hundred years later, maybe you’ve got a family member or someone that was told about you enough to show up and give you a place to crash for a few days while you get your shit sorted but.  

                   Now you’re a stranger, with no working knowledge of the world, the politics or laws that have changed, the events in history that might have been world shatteringly important that you missed, no relevant job history, no contacts, no resources, and depending on what field of study or what kind of job you had, you might be entirely irrelevant plus - you’re a convict so what does that do for your likelihood of finding gainful employment - especially while in whatever broken down sleeve they give you on release ???  It pretty much guarantees the only life the newly released have to go back to is – crime.  

                And that’s not even getting onto the topic of renting out people’s bodies and how that just feels inherently wrong to her – they don’t even bother to try and use it as a deterrent tactics, it’s just a WAY OF LIFE and it just seems cruel and unusual to her.  There have always been accrued costs of prison, one way or another, sticking a body on ice / suspending it / cryogenic storage or whatever is WAY cheaper than actually housing criminals used to be.  And how easy is it for someone that’s corrupt to play that system ???? Want a particular sleeve for yourself or your partner but they won’t sleep with you?  Get them convicted and rent it for a week.  Have a Neo-C that you need out of the way at your job or that’s married to someone you want to pursue or that you have a grudge against and want to see them suffer / their family suffer?  Set them up for even the smallest crime, because once they’re yanked out of their sleeve that’s it, bye-bye.  

                   And it’s not just punishing the criminals! Seeing someone else walking and talking in the sleeve of your lover, your brother, your mother, your best friend and knowing it’s not them - it doesn’t matter how tough you are or act like you are, that hurts – knowing that that body is being used for god knows what and you can’t keep it safe / protect it ???  Knowing that the person’s sleeve is out and about because you couldn’t afford the mortgage payments to keep it hanging out empty until the person’s time was up and they can get put back in it ? That is brutal and cruel and unusual punishment to people that did nothing wrong but care.  

                   So… yeah.  Human rights / sleeves’ rights activist.  Has had the occasional brush with the law in terms of protesting, the occasional riot or act of vandalism, threats against particular organizations or Meths or whomever it is that she’s up in arms against at the time but, generally low level stuff that hasn’t gotten her in a ton of hot water legally speaking.  She actually does have a semi decent relationship with some of the beat cops or a detective here or there, she’s happy to turn over intel and information she finds about acts of actual violence or terrorism that she catches wind of and is especially happy to turn over anything she hears that deals with corrupt cops, politicians, Meths influence on anything with policy or wrangling positions of power for their chess pieces in law enforcement or political circles etc.  

                   She does dabble in some drug use, she drinks, she smokes, she swears, she sleeps around, she has tattoo and piercings that fluctuate a lot - she is still in her birth sleeve (though second clone after an airtram derailment a few years back).  She gambles, she shoots pool, she gets into the occasional fist fight, she has no problem calling anyone out on their bullshit but – she has a good heart and does her best to help out people in trouble around her whenever she can.  She drifts through a lot of circles; she has friends in all manner of walks of life in the underworld and legit circles, she makes it pretty clear she doesn’t have any interest in being involved in drama outside of her choosing and tends to usually manage to keep from pissing off the wrong people (she’s way more likely to have enemies among the politicians, the Meths, the policy makers than get caught up in a turf war etc).  

                   She has a loft apartment in Licktown, but she also has four or five other roommates and it’s very crowded and busy so she tends to prefer to crash at her hookup’s place when an option and also makes a semi regular habit of showing up at Claire’s in the middle of the night and crashing on her couch for a few days.  Despite their glaring differences, the sisters are actually pretty close and as much as they rib on each other, they would not hesitate to come to the defense of the other if necessary, in a heartbeat.  

                     Rori does come from a family of Meths.  Her lifestyle choices, her behaviour, the fact she lives on the Ground and in Licktown are all huge sources of embarrassment for the majority of her family.  The only reason she isn’t actually just cut loose and written off as the black sheep of the family is because Claire wouldn’t stand for it.  Rori does have access to a large stipend, which she does live off of at times but in general she prefers to make her own way - she works as a bartender, a tattoo artist, odd jobs here and there.  Whatever she doesn’t use of her monthly allowance, though, she does pull out every month and donate to a number of different activist groups, shelters, etc. - wherever needs it the most at that time.

[paperclipninja]

Younger post-ep ramble 6x07

I’m gonna come straight out and say that I loved this episode of Younger so damn fiercely that this week’s rambling recap will be a whole lotta gush and a whole lotta ramble because I have a LOT of feelings. Sometimes an episode of television lingers with you after you’ve watched it. It might be because something particularly memorable happened or because a plot point you’d been hoping for finally played out or the reason might be unclear, there was just something about it. This week’s ep, ‘Friends With Benefits’, was one of those episodes for me. I think it was the storytelling, the way this episode was written felt well paced, the moments of tension were somewhat contained but had room to draw us in and the emotional journeys of the characters were really palpable. Most importantly, these elements worked together to expand our understanding of the characters and I was not at all surprised to discover that Darren Star had written this episode.

Right from the get go this ep had me by my heart strings, with Diana and Lauren both pushing their press releases to announce the Millennial/Mercury news (Diana talking up only Charles, Lauren advocating for Kelsey, there was just so much about all this that was YES). Of course level-headed Liza saves the day with her wordsmithing, but I think we can all agree that Diana excitedly exclaiming ‘he’s here’ and rushing out of her office to greet Charles, much to the amusement of Liza, was the moment we didn’t know we were all waiting for. As Diana tells Charles that ‘it feels like all is right with the World again’ all I could do was internally scream 'same Diana SAME’ with a massive grin plastered across my face. Also, Charles + crew neck sweater + office = a combo I was not expecting but was also definitely not opposed to. Kudos to Darren for working the sale of Pound Ridge into the conversation, cue Diana’s characteristic lack of sensitivity as she reminds Charles that he poured his heart and soul into that place before advising that another marriage is probably best avoided by both of them (narrator voice: it won’t be). 

If anyone’s heart didn’t skip a beat when Charles greeted Liza so earnestly as she left Diana’s office then quite frankly, you should probably get that checked. FINALLY seeing these two in the office together, openly in a relationship, I tell you, I get giddy even thinking about it. Follow that with Diana flat out asking Liza if she ever feels like a wrecking ball and then blaming herself for hiring her was just SO Diana circa season 3 and honestly, it’s this kind of quality content that keeps me coming back for more. And no Diana, love is NOT blind, because anyone with eyes will tell you that as Liza enters Charles’ office and mentions that the box city may be covering the flowers someone sent, these two could not have looked more enamored with one another. There is something magical about this interaction, I know it was released as the sneak peek but it’s as though there’s a special kind of chemistry reserved purely for the office between these two and that palpability of emotion I referred to was evident as Charles was clearly moved by Liza’s gesture, not to mention her suggestion that they will go through the boxes all together. 

It feels like this whole season has been building towards getting these two characters to this place and honestly, I am a puddle because FINALLY we are seeing the sweet, loving, relationship that can just be. One of the things I loved about the storytelling in this episode was that it wove Charles’ growing resentment of the life he has been prescribed throughout, first evidenced by his reluctance to attend the Tuxedo Park Benefit. I really liked that he told Liza she’s off the hook if she wants and loved even harder her response that they can suffer together in evening wear, this woman is loved up to the eyeballs right here, even if her generous offer to sort through the boxes in her office alone included wanting to catch a sneaky peek at the manuscript she spotted earlier. Did I mention I could watch a whole episode of adorable Charles and Liza office interactions? 

Speaking of office interactions, can we talk about Zane who has apparently not only lost his ability to figure out how a coffee machine operates, but also his memory of how to behave in a workplace? Starting with his cocky assertion that he’s not going to be Kelsey’s problem (which I took to mean that Zane thinks Charles will be). I have to say, seeing Zane grow increasingly unhinged was a little amusing, particularly as Kelsey absolutely rocked it with boss mode activated this episode. Finally I saw her being a publisher, the meeting in which she outlines the need to each define their brands (lol at Diana’s 'I told her that’) was fab to watch and Zane’s impatient, 'Charlessss’ as Kelsey puts forward the idea of 'Exonerated’ being a better fit for Millennial was reminiscent of a spoiled child demanding his dad give him something he wants. He then throws an outright tantrum at the second meeting when Kelsey suggests that 'Arabian Sea’ (which looks like the actual worst btw) is not the book they should be releasing as their first title together (love Charles’ sextant joke and am so digging him in editor mode, including the awkward averting of the eyes after Zane storms out). Zane, dude, have some self respect. And respect for Kelsey and your colleagues.

Seeing Kelsey really hold her own in the meeting was great and I love that we saw her lunch time chats with Liza to give us insight into the journey she was on (again, the writing of this ep *praise hands*). Hearing Kelsey’s struggle to stand up to Charles and the respect she holds for him as her mentor was wonderful, as was Liza’s reassurance that Charles’ 'death stare’ was meaningless (not to mention smoldering) and that he respects her as publisher. I am so appreciative of the fact that we got to see the first meeting, in which Kelsey backed down, then the second meeting, in which she held her ground, to see the character growth taking place. I think it’s what made the manuscript reveal scene so freaking fantastic, I cannot even tell you how much I adore the way that all played out.  Here we have Kelsey, who has been working her way up to being confident enough to hold firm with Charles, FINALLY at a point where she is able to put her foot down. The way we are lead to think that Charles saying the manuscript Liza found is not something he wants to pursue is some kind of power play, before Kelsey firmly states that ’ as publisher, I am’, just makes the whole plot twist of Charles’s 'and as the author I most certainly am not’ one of the most satisfying/omg YESSSS moments this show has produced. I really hope the book gets revisited on the show and also, I know that we needed Liza not to know so we could have that divine final scene, but tell me Kelsey wouldn’t have immediately sent an all caps text screaming, 'I FOUND OUT WHO THE AUTHOR OF THAT MANUSCRIPT IS AND YOU GON DIE’.

You know who else was dying a little bit? Me when Diana rocked up to work in the most fab feathered hat, Liza dropped a Meghan Markle reference and we discovered that Diana was attending the christening of Enzo’s niece on Staten Island later that day (Diana’s 'it’s a low bar but I try to lead by example’ line, omg every week these lines and the delivery are too much). Can we just all agree right here and now that Enzo DeLuca is such a damn sweetheart, his 'you knocked it out of the park’ after Diana thanks him for complimenting her (p.s. she wanted to look nice for his family in case we weren’t clear on how invested D. Tout was in this relationship, I mean SWOON) was just so adoring. Diana poking Enzo’s sister in the face with the feathers kept the com part of romcom in play, as Enzo got up to fulfill his godfather duties and kissed his ex on the lips and I’m sorry but WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

I tell you what is happening, the set up for the sister to inform Diana that Enzo pulls the pin on all relationships around the one year mark, emphasize the point that Diana Trout is NOT Amal Clooney (this whole convo was actual golden pieces) and to have the whole family out the front basically force the point that they want Enzo with Maria, including the ever OTT mother ensuring Diana is in prime position to be pushed into a bush. And why is this set up so darn glorious? Because as I mentioned earlier, we really got to experience significant junctures in various characters’ development this episode and here we see Enzo, who not that long ago was still living with his mother and very much making any decisions based on her approval, stand up for the woman he loves in the most wonderful way. The proposal was just so beautiful in its authenticity and spontaneity, in that moment Enzo realised as he said he hoped Diana would be in the family forever exactly what that meant and acted on it. Diana’s, 'is there a ring involved’ was every kind of perfect and seriously, these two are too much, I cannot wait to see the big Italian wedding with all the trimmings

While we’re on the topic of things that are garish, this week we also got to see Michelle again. But we’ll circle back to her in a minute, because before all these benefit friends start circling and being just too much, Liza and Charles enter the 'eighth  circle of hell’ having an actual conversation about work like couples do and seriously, I am simple folk and it’s these simple things, and I love the way Charles affirms that he intentionally didn’t wear a suit to the office because he was trying not to project authority and well yes, gush gush, it was all very excellent. Their whole convo was of course cut short as Bob and Julia spot them and yet another of my season 6 wish list items gets crossed off as Julia takes full credit for introducing Charles and Liza and Bob makes an unsubtle comment that that’s what they tell themselves anyway. I think my favourite part is when Bob asks Liza if she knows that Tuxedo Park is actually the home of the tuxedo and Charles has a 'I don’t think that’s right’ expression flash across his face. We all have one of those friends and the conversation goes from cringe to suffocating as all of a sudden Liza finds herself being included in plans to cruise to Singapore before the whole thing escalates when Michelle and Tom arrive. Getting these two in the same ep as Bob and Julia, I tell you, it was like the double jackpot of friends who are extra. Michelle is as subtle as a sledgehammer as she checks out Charles and Liza’s assertion that she has not been hiding him as there’s nothing to hide is re-emphasized by Charles, who reminds her that in this scenario, there really isn’t anything to hide, she can be herself, no lie about age or job or relationship is in play.

That is what makes this whole scene and the way the rest of the episode unfolds so good. Here is Liza, in a situation that she’s been yearning for, where she doesn’t have to lie and with the man she is in love with, yet instead of feeling free she feels trapped. Michelle further exacerbates things when she joins Liza at the table and once again has a dig at her relationship with Josh (Michelle really is kind of the worst. although between her truffle butter and Julia’s double balling I feel like there’s a potential friendship just waiting to blossom) and points out that Charles is a keeper. I did have a mighty chuckle at her 'oh my gosh’ when Charles took Liza’s hand though, in that moment I was also Michelle tbh.  Liza’s gnawing sense that she is once again becoming entrenched in a lifestyle she was happy to walk away from is confirmed when she arrives home to Maggie and reassured that it’s not exactly chocolate ice-cream like she had for 20 years, it’s more like chocolate choc-chip. Which Liza likes and I personally think is delicious and guava ice-cream does not sound like my wheelhouse at all, but this is not about me and I don’t know why but each time I’ve watched this ep (and it’s been a few times, I am high-key obsessed with it if you haven’t noticed), Liza taking her wine and the manuscript and sitting on the couch to read it up and gets me for some reason. I also can’t decide if that whole moment is a mood or a goal, but I think maybe it’s both at the same time.

Maggie heading out for the night with Josh and Lauren after 11pm further emphasizes the divide that is forming between the 26 year old life and the life Liza is currently leading. It is from this point that you get the sense as a viewer that Liza is actually stuck between these two versions of herself. I feel as though this episode, more than any other, showed her desire to take elements from each of these worlds to create her ideal life, but feeling overcome with a sense that it is not possible. Seeing Josh preparing his motorbike to sell, which Liza was certainly quite disappointed about (I have no doubt it was very representative of the freedom she felt with Josh and her idea of that life she lived etc), it is Josh who is moving forward and thinking of his future. I have to say, hearing Josh talking about Gemma is just too gorgeous, I am enjoying seeing this character have such purpose and focus this season. It is, of course, when Liza finds a photo of Pauline and Charles at the same benefit she just attended, that she feels she is seeing what her future with Charles looks like; reminiscent of her old life with a rinse and repeat of the life Charles led with Pauline (and we all know how that ended), and she decides to take Josh up on the offer of one last ride on his motorbike.

Sometimes I notice the music as I watch an ep and sometimes I don’t, but I absolutely noticed the 'we’re living in a fantasy’ lyric that played over the top of Liza getting onto the bike. I thought this was such an interesting way to highlight the fact that the 26 year old life that Liza knew no longer exists, other people have moved on, are at different stages in their own lives and she is, in a way, fantasizing about a lifestyle that is not necessarily a reality anymore, even if she wanted it to be. The conflict that occurred in this episode for Liza was internal and to convey that is no mean feat. During the conversation she has with Josh down by the water, her struggle is evident. As she recalls the story she read of an older woman and a younger man, Josh asking how it ends and her stating she doesn’t know, my heart actually hurt for her. While I appreciate that for some viewers this would’ve been a lovely ambiguous moment about where the Josh/Liza relationship may end up, in relation to the narrative that was unfolding I saw it very much as Liza being unsure where and how her current situation is going to play out, not indecision about her relationship or who she wants to be with. The whole scene is dripping with anguish to me, there’s the life that Liza wants and then there’s the man that she loves and the feeling that being with the man she loves traps her in a life she no longer wants.

Sutton Foster has the most incredible ability to make subtle emotion palpable, we get snippets of it in episodes every now and then, the awards dinner with Jay when she was overcome with that anguish and yearning for Charles when he was there with Pauline comes to mind, and this week as a viewer I could FEEL the journey she was on trying to reconcile these two worlds of hers. It was a wonderful example of nuanced writing and masterful acting coming together. It all really came together of course in the final scene of the episode and honestly, my heart is preemptively exploding just thinking about it. First of all, Liza looks next level incredible with the dress and hairstyle combo (yes Charles, 'wow’ is accurate). Charles’ teasing her about playing hooky so that Kelsey could read the manuscript she had found in his personal belongings was downright charming and as he explains that he is in fact the author and reveals his experience of having an affair with an older woman, you can see Liza wrapping her head around this new insight into him. When Charles expresses his understanding of what it’s like to be the young man in a relationship and also the desire and motivation of a woman in her 40’s to seek that out, Liza’s expression is one of both feeling seen and feeling exposed concurrently. As Bob calls Charles and Liza over to join the party, these two individuals’ journeys suddenly cross over and fall in sync.

Charles made the earlier comment about not wanting to go to the benefit, however Liza sees the picture of him and Pauline from years earlier and no doubt makes the assumption that no matter how much he dislikes it, he has always and will always oblige and attend such events as he has his whole life. What I love so much is that at the very top of the episode, Liza refers to Charles as having a career renaissance, which ties into the theme that has been woven throughout the season of Charles having the chance to start over and do something that is his own. In this final moment of the episode, as Liza looks utterly deflated, it becomes apparent that both Liza and Charles are feeling trapped in these past or preset lives that they actually don’t want. And suddenly they have the opportunity to break free together. As Liza asks Charles if they can promise each other not to do anything together in the future they don’t want to do, you can see her relief that Charles doesn’t want to attend the party either, however it is Charles showing her that he doesn’t want to be there that proves he really means it.

The significance in all this, I believe, is that Liza’s struggle has been that freedom and spontaneity only existed in the younger life she experienced and that most of the examples and experiences she has had of a forty-something life are devoid of that. As Charles and Liza run laughing down the street hand in hand and the episode closes it leaves us with the lingering notion that freedom isn’t something that’s attached to age, it’s a choice. It finally feels like these two characters are on the same page after so long and obvs I am utterly pumped to see what’s next.

I have said it numerous times throughout but overall, this episode was just stellar from start to finish. It felt like a pivotal point in the season that will really set the course for the rest of season 6 and there was such significant character growth and development for Kelsey, Liza, Charles, Enzo and Diana. The theme of spontaneity, with Liza seeking it out by leaving work to ride the motorcycle, Enzo proposing to Diana and Charles suggesting they run from the benefit, was so wonderful to see play out in different ways, especially as it was all the characters in their 40′s on the show who were being spontaneous.  ’Friends With Benefits’ has most definitely secured a place on my regular re-watch list. Now let’s hope we get to find out how that book of Charles’ ends…

[writeforsoreeyes]

transreading - What Makes You Beautiful

[image description: cover of What Makes You Beautiful by Bridget Liang. Off-center portrait of an east Asian teen wearing a blue button-up shirt, eye makeup, and lipstick.]

Note: like last month, this is book in which the POV character realizes they are trans over the course of the story. While the character is “Logan” for the first part of the story, she begins using the name Veronica in the final act. Midway through, while still working out her gender, Veronica asks her friends to use they/them pronouns for her. The story doesn’t have a moment in which she updates her pronouns, but I’ve made the assumption that she would ultimately go with she/her by the book’s end.

Veronica will never be the perfect half-Chinese son, but her mother and father are in denial. Despite her parents’ misgivings, Veronica switches to an arts high school to pursue singing. She quickly makes friends with several queer kids at the school. With new freedom to explore her identity, she slowly begins to realize that while she likes guys, she herself is not a guy.

What Makes You Beautiful is a really quick read. It’s short in length, with a straight-forward plot that pulls the reader along. While there are some darker moments (particularly instances of racism, homophobia, and so on), it’s by and large a sweet book -- and even downright cheesy at times. If you’re looking for a pleasant read to pass an afternoon or a flight, What Makes You Beautiful fits the bill.

There is a lot packed into this little book though, despite its brevity. The cast is highly diverse in terms of sexuality, gender, ethnicity, religion, and more. With so many different identities in play, the author gets to explore a lot of different topics naturally in the story.

For example, Veronica has doubts about being a trans girl because she fears she’s falling into the stereotype of Asian men being submissive. Veronica and her friends come into conflict with their voice teacher because all the winter concert songs are Christmas songs. One of her friends discloses that it was difficult to get his gender identity respected because of his autism. And so on and so forth. These many intersections of identity reflect the complexities of the real world and make What Makes You Beautiful stand out from similar trans coming out narratives.

There are moments, however, that might come across as over the top and strain readers’ suspension of belief. For instance, when Veronica’s father drops her off at school on the second day, he sees her visibly queer friends waiting for her and shouts at them, “Kids like you are ruining this great country!” It’s a really erratic burst of violent homophobia from someone who is otherwise portrayed as more your run-of-the-mill “I’m not bigoted!” casual bigot.

My belief was also strained by how quickly the character relationships developed. Veronica is pretty much folded into an existing friend group her very first day of school, in addition to making friends outside the group.

It’s true that friendships generally move faster with kids than adults, but I couldn’t help but raise a skeptical eyebrow when Veronica thought “I feel safe nestled between these two boys” and earnestly saying “I never had friends like you two before” within 24 hours of meeting them. Arguably, Veronica is starved for friendship since it seems she didn’t have any at her previous school. But since she was bullied, I’d expect her to be more wary.

I appreciated how well the love interest was handled. Kyle hangs around with the queer kids but is straight himself. He initially isn’t especially romantically or sexually attracted to Veronica. However, as her true gender becomes more apparent and she begins experimenting with presentation, his feelings spark. Later, he’s frank with her that this made him question his sexuality, but it doesn’t come across as an “Oh, god, am I gay??????” panic. It’s also refreshing that the guy who is indisputably the hottest in the book is Asian, since Asian men in media are so often classed as less than sexually desirable.

Reading What Makes You Beautiful was kind of nostalgic to me. I also attended an arts high school, so I remember the unique energy of being surrounded by people who are all into the same craft as you. My high school also had a reputation as the “gay school,” though students weren’t nearly as openly queer -- and the teachers weren’t nearly as queer-friendly -- as at Veronica’s school. Perhaps though my school today is more like Veronica’s than the school I remember; a lot has changed in the last decade.

To wrap up, I recommend What Makes You Beautiful if you are looking for a trans coming out narrative where the main character has a really supportive friend group (as well as the mentorship of a trans adult.) If you relate to the “It was obvious to other people, but I didn’t notice until it was pointed out” sort of trans experience, you’ll likely find a lot to relate to here.

And, of course, there is always a need for more racially diverse trans books -- What Makes You Beautiful is a very welcome addition. If you’re looking for more QPOC YA books similar to this one, I’d personally recommend Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann (female Black asexual main character, male Asian straight love interest) and This Is Kind of an Epic Love Story by Kheryn Callender (male Black bisexual main character, male Latino gay hard of hearing love interest).