#qwertishy

[qwertishy]

I feel like I only come here to update my age. I can't believe I started this journey over 15 years ago.

Somehow it was un-installed from my phone. Not exactly sure how that happened.

I have sad thoughts to say, but it's making me feel like a 2006 emo kid.

Stabby rip stab stab.

I feel like tacos.

[bestnarcissist]

Lmaooo, I'm the one on the floor. @qwertishy

[spoolesofthread]

qwertishy replied to your post: ztevenn said:waveswaves back to y...

this confused the hell out of me. I completely misunderstood the part of speech intended here.

oh my god, this made me laugh so much. bless your poor heart.

[qwertishy]

Story telling a traumatic experience that happened nearly 30 years ago, laughing, crying... trying to figure out if I'm crying bc I'm laughing so hard, or because I'm still feeling the trauma of it. Then again, am I laughing because it is genuinely funny in the satirical sense, retrospectively speaking... or because that's how I mellow the blow?

🥴

[qwertishy]

"I will celebrate the day I have known you longer than I have to wait to meet you."

-Famous last words that haunt me every time I think of you.

[qwertishy]

My biggest problem appears to be my never ending search to be addicted to something, and then being addicted to it.

[qwertishy]

My whole childhood was filled with undiagnosed, untreated, unacknowledged conditions that amplified my perception of an already terrible situation or two. I look back on it now, in what others are calling some middle aged newfound wisdom, whatever that means... and I'm wondering, truly wondering, how much of it was real?

Growing up, I unknowingly suffered from borderline personality disorder, dissociation, hallucinations, ADD, and a crippling amount of depression and anxiety. Everything was fast paced and either the best day of my life or seemingly the last. I never knew what tomorrow would bring, let alone if I would even see it at all. Despite that, I wasn't scared of my own mortality, in fact, I reveled in it. I valued it. It was a constant reminder on my darker days that there was a way out, my only calming solace. My silver lining.

By the time I realized there was something wrong with me.. specifically, and not just the dangers I had been subjected to... my perception of reality was so twisted and distorted that I honestly couldn't tell reality from fantasy. I couldn't piece together what really happened and what didn't happen, who was real and who wasn't real. What words were said and what words only imagined.

Through the mess and confusion, I hurt a lot of people. I lost a lot of people. Some relationships ended because of it, and the worst part is... I will never know why. I will never know what I did. Yet, I do it again and again. How do I explain that whatever happened, whatever I did.. wasn't me? Does it matter? I've had some of the world's greatest people by my side, and somewhere along the lines I did something to fuck it all up and lost all of them forever.

My father died spring of last year. Initially, there were a lot of mixed feelings. I've been working on building a relationship with him for a long time. I've been working on healing and forgiveness. I've been working on it a lot. I wasn't done healing. I hadn't yet forgave. I feel like him leaving had robbed me of the goal I had been working so hard towards for so long. I was angry. Backtracking in all my progress and all my successes. Then, almost without warning, I forgive him. Something I could never do in life. Again, I was angry. Upset that I couldn't achieve this at a time we could both enjoy together.

I think about him everyday, now. Before, he was lucky if I thought of him more than once a season. Now I crave his company all the time, miss him every morning. Cry... every time. I have no photos of him, no adult memories, no anything. I feel constantly robbed each time I think of him. It feels like he's been gone forever and like it was yesterday all at the same time. I can't explain it. And with all this grief and confusion... I feel a new me emerging. A new sense of clarity I never had before. Suddenly I feel alone.

You see, my father knew he did me wrong as a child. He knew I was scared of him, scarred by him, haunted by him. He tried, he really tried to get me to forgive him. He did everything but acknowledge what he did, everything but apologize. I often wondered if the gift buying cleared his conscience. If he thought that he was buying my forgiveness, my affection, my love. In my adult life, he was kind and gentle, sweet and caring. All the things I had wanted as a child. But by then, my perception of reality was already set in stone. It kills me that I was not able to change that in time.

I pushed everyone away. Everyone was a threat or an enemy. And now, I'm alone. And it hurts, and I'm scared. I'm too old to be alone. I always hear young people griping on and on about "how old" they are, like it's some sort of psychological game... I've never truly felt old until this year. It's not a flattering emotion. I want to say something dramatic and played out like, "I've never been alone before" or something of the like, but I'm sure that's not true... I just can't emphasize enough how lonely I've been feeling since my latest losses.

I'm having a really hard time, lately.

[qwertishy]

Don't fucking think you're cute or witty and play shitty fucking word games with me. I'm in a constant state of stress balancing on the edge of my mother fucking sanity, don't fucking push me, I am already so close to jumping.

FUUUUUCK.

[qwertishy]

Anybody out there?

Just looking to talk, maybe vent a little.

Thanks.

[qwertishy]

If its courage you want,

I'm not the one. I'm not brave enough to let you know, I'm not strong enough to say these words. I hide myself behind miles and convenient inconveniences, I stay blanketed where I know I am safe. I am not the one.

[qwertishy]

Feelings are dumb and I hate them,

Me

[qwertishy]

Sees bumper sticker "BI"

"Bitch inside"?

[qwertishy]

IM FUCKING SAD

WHERES MY GODDAMN ICECREAM CONE!?

[qwertishy]

I'm not all right,

But man, if I'm ever not all right. I'm all fucking right.

I don't write love stories, anymore. I barely sing lullabies. 💋

[qwertishy]

I need you

Ive been practicing putting my son to sleep in his own bed, and its slow progress, but progress nonetheless. Tonight, he wilfully hopped into his own bed instead of mine and prepared himself for sleep. Laid there in silence for maybe five or ten minutes, until...

Mom? Mom.

(Peering over in the darkness fom my own bed) Yes, darling?

I like follow you bed.

Whats that, honey?

I like follow.. you bed.

(He repeats this a few times over when i decide to catch him with his favorite line...) Why?

Be be because i have to.

You have to?

Yeah, i have to.

Why?

Cause, i need you.

You have to because you need me?

Yeh!

Joshua?

Yeah?

I love you.

I love ..YOU!

Goodnight.

Okay, goodnight mommy.

[qwertishy]

Tfw..

You're masturbating with your door wide open and someone breaks into your home through the door that's adjacent to yours ar 12:01am. 😉👉🛌🚪🕛😲