#rabbithole again cuz that show is painful for me

[dreamofbona]

whenever i finish a drama that had an emotional impact on me i always go back to other such dramas so i'm casually falling back down the crash landing on you rabbithole rn

[damagedsmile]

//Hullo hullo everyone, just flying in here with an update & I apologise for taking so long about it.

So its been a tough time for everyone with C-19. Ireland is going into another lock down. I hope yall are taking care & regardless of your opinion on the matter, I hope yall are being respectful & safe.

Life has been abit topsy-turvy for me. Im learning that grief is just a series of moments where, when you least expect it, you spontaneously combust with tears. Ive had good days but a lot of days where it do be just hanging on by your nails & wondering when the rabbithole ends. So basically I'm at a point where I really don't know how I'm going to feel the next hour, the next day... yanno. I've had moments where I feel ready to return here & do something small but that feeling always changes to the opposite; I'm being careful with discerning what is a manic whim & what is real. I think that's a very important skill for anyone in this position or with mental health issues to learn, so im learning something new this past while.

I have not been able to write anything or draw for months now. Its very frustrating & depressing in itself as I am a creative person & often feel smothered when unable to create. I just have no energy or ideas & am very resentful of myself for feeling things that disrupt my hobbies. But I know i need to feel & go through this so am not pressuring myself. I'm focusing on keeping myself clean & fed & practicing good sleep hygiene; once I can master these three fundamentals, I can focus on other things.

Its funny, I think, that life experiences can alter you so much that you forget how to be human in that you find yourself forgetting to eat & unable to perform daily self-care routines & unable to show love towards those you know you love dearly. To sum it up, I think its fair to say this is the lowest point of my life & its been both horrible & eye-opening. I feel like a burn victim, without skin, everything hurting & tiresome & feeling seperate from myself & my former life. In that same perverse way, that part of me is abit thankful for c-19 because it means I don't have people coming close to me & hugging me & generally being sympathetic: I find im loathing that behaviour now. I don't want to be the person whom suffered a great loss that everyone needs to comfort, I just want to be a person that people treat like normal.

I opened the door the other day to a Traveller woman trying to sell me bedsheets & she said "ah take that, it'd be a grand present for your ma" to which I said, "my ma's dead". It was easier to say than I thought it would be & it was actually a relief to say it & receive a fumbling apology, "I'm sorry, my ma's dead too." I appreciated that more than receiving a hug or a pat on the back. Not that a stranger would do such things, but yanno. We had a moment like saluting each other & I bought pillows off her, the end.

I hope I'm making sense. I hope no one takes offence to this. This is just my feelings, my journey. I've been calling myself a child of grief, making this journey to a port in a storm where i can start a new life on that port & begin anew once I've shed this old skin thats dried out from salty tears.

I've been playing TS4. I started the Asylum Challenge on medium difficulty. I have Joker there ofc with 6 others. I did have 8 Sims but Jared Leto died in the pool (he went for a swim instead of sleeping ffs). We've had 1 Asylum baby that was adopted away for obvious reasons. Currently Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is trying to get with Rob Zombie's creepy twin, Bob Zombie. Joker is hitting it off with my Sim whose aesthetic is inspired by Emilie Autumn. I called her Kathryn Wheel cuz of the torture device/HIM song.

I got two rat kittens for Valentines Day (not sure if I've told you before). They're Fancy Rats but with blue colouring, which I've never seen before in breeds. I called them MizPah & BoBoBetty. The Precious got a new snake, a BEL he calls Helvita but i call her Boo.

I got my hands tattooed a wee while ago which wasn't as painful as my neck but painful enough that I'm relieved theyre done & healed up. I'll try remember to post pics whenever. My memorys been a bit scatty with meds. Im also working on losing weight again so I've been very tired & grumpy when I'm not huddling in a nest of blankets growling at The Precious when he enters my space. The only way he earns my trust each eve is to give me coffee & tell me im being very good. Is this a joke? YOU be the judge...

Anyway. Im alive & still working on myself. I thank yall for your patience & support, it means a lot to me knowing my friends on here are rooting for me. I'm toasting yall rn with my iced coffee (still trying to perfect the recipe but im getting there). I hope yall are doing well & are happy, safe, & healthy. Remember I love yall & wish you all the very best, even if I'm not present or feeling sociable. We'll all get through this, i promise you. Remember that you only really see light when things are very dark 💜

[douxreviews]

Game of Thrones - ‘A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms’ Review

“Well, here we are.”

Halfway through this episode, after a long day of laundry and spring cleaning, I decided to hit pause and go out for a cup of coffee. Surely, I thought, there would be an epic battle. After all, Game of Thrones has long since abandoned subtle political machinations in favor of spectacle. It has become a very simple show, and I wanted to be properly on edge for the thrill of mass death and dragon mayhem.

Can you spot the flaw in my “no Game of Thrones spoilers” policy?

It’s not a perfect policy. I don’t live in a cave, and Sam T. Cat spends a lot of time on Reddit. So I’m passingly familiar with the “Is Littlefinger really dead?” theory and this episode’s emergent “Do Arya’s scars means she’s really the Waif?” theory. I knew there was a battle coming up, but not when.

But I’m just not interested in reading a bunch of theories about the answers prior to watching the show itself. Put another way, I want to avoid falling into the rabbithole of what I’ve started to call “predictive emplotment”: our communal obsession with digging for clues as to what has happened and what will happen. It’s a form of reading that treats all narratives as scavenger-hunt mystery in need of solving, rather than works of art that we can appraise and with which we can connect.

George R.R. Martin loves predictive emplotment, of course: internet rumor has it that his dealbreaker question for potential showrunners was asking them who Jon Snow’s parents are. How interesting would it have been if his dealbreaker question was about the portrayal of sex, clothing styles, accents, character development, or magical mysticism? How would that have created a different show, one not created by showrunners who believe that “themes are for eighth-grade book reports”?

That is not to say that Game of Thrones lacks interesting character development, fascinating plots, and high production values. It even, despite the showrunners' best wishes, has themes. Thomas’s review from last week demonstrates the benefits of focusing on meaningful character moments and why they matter after all of these years and all of this pain.

And this episode did have numerous lovely moments: Jaime and Tyrion reunited at Winterfell. Arya and Gendry getting their own dragons to dance. Dany and Sansa working out the parameters of their power and their relationships. Brienne and Pod. Beric and the Hound. Ser Davos serving soup, which at first I thought was an absurd contrivment but then realized is exactly the sort of useful humility that is the core of his character.

The highlight, of course, was the slow-paced camaraderie between a motley group of some of my favorite characters around the fire. Brienne, Pod, Jaime, Tyrion, Davos, and Tormund Giantsbane talked about nothing and everything, and somehow it all led to Brienne getting the one thing she’d wanted so badly and never thought was possible: a knighthood. It was perfectly staged, sweet without being sentimental. Knighting Brienne might be one of the best things Jaime has ever done. Supporting Brienne shows the inherent goodness of Tyrion, Davos, and Pod. And Tormund, obviously, is really into it.

Watching that scene, realizing that the epic battle wasn’t going to happen yet, and then rewatching the entire episode, I had a realization. Not about predictive emplotment (I still really don’t like that). Not about the often-terrible dialogue. Not about how this slow-paced episode makes me wonder just how busy the next four are going to be. Rather, I had a realization about Game of Thrones’ move from Machiavellian maneuvering to a more black-and-white simplicity.

Game of Thrones is not, in fact the simple show I thought it had become. This used to be a show about political trickery, sure. And it has become a show about fighting zombies. But that doesn’t mean GoT is too simple.

It means it is more meaningful. This episode told us what matters: community, camaraderie, owning up to mistakes, and—to steal a line from Jaime last week—fighting for the living. The heroes of this show are in Winterfell because they’re willing to die to save the world. In a time of terrible risk, they’re putting it all on the line and putting the past behind them. They learned about zombies and dove into the fight.

Contrast that with Cersei, who learns about zombies and brainstorms how they can benefit her. Contrast that even with Dany, who wants to save Westeros so she can rule it—not just, cuz, y’know, saving Westeros is the good thing to do. (And what even is she going to do about Jon's disclosure?!) Game of Thrones has killed off most of the wannabe Machiavellis, and we’re left mostly with those who know the value of Valyrian steel backed up by good intentions.

And that has left me still interested in the spectacle to come, but no longer looking forward to the carnage that will result. Because many of these characters deserve to live because they are willing to die. There's nothing simple about that. There's something beautiful.

Grumpkins and Snarks:

• So, the potential Jaime/Bran conflict kinda fizzled out, didn’t it?

• Are we supposed to be shipping Theon and Sansa? Are we doing that now?

• I’m shipping Arya and Gendry, but I’ve been doing that for a while. I think those plucky youngsters have a real shot at happiness.

• I think that Tormund Giantsbane might benefit from psychoanalysis. Then again, maybe not.

• I’m adding something to my wish-list: that Misandei and Grey Worm do get their day on the beach. More than a day, in fact.

• My original version of this review had a whole snarky paragraph about how clumsy their dialogue was (Missandei’s statement about her people had no context until Grey Worm’s next line!), but the time for me to critique Game of Thrones’ mediocre dialogue has long passed.

• Hey, did you spot Ghost?! Ghost is here!

I started reviewing Game of Thrones when it aired, and I’ve been delighted to share that (epic) responsibility with the wonderful Agents of DOUX. This is my last Game of Thrones review, eight years after my first.

I guess that means that now my watch is ended.

Josie Kafka is a full-time cat servant and part-time rogue demon hunter. (What's a rogue demon?)