#randomrantzz

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Grief is kicking ass!!!! I keep thinking how do people live with grief, its horrific!!! it really impacts every aspect of your life. Grief has left me numb and unable to go on.

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I clearly need to keep myself busy because when I have too much time. I start having too many thoughts and there are never positive thoughts.

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I hate how easy self-sabotaging is to me.

#slowly changing my ways.

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Man I am so insecure, I really don't understand how I got here but I am here. You see this phase is really new to me, I really don't know how to deal with it. To make it worst recently I have been very anxious.

I gotta take it a day at a time.

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Sometimes I am full of complaints, however, today I want to express gratitude for all the good news I have received this week. My friends and family have expressed some amazing news, happening in their lives. This has bought me so much joy!

I am also grateful for my health, something I take for granted but it truly is a blessing. I thank God.

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My mind is a treasure that needs to be appreciated.

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oh its happening again...thoughts that should not be roaming in my head, are roaming rent free. These are not good thoughts either.

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When people used to ask my single ass...so what are you looking for in a man? I used to give a very vague and basic answer. I used to give the whole paragraph of wanting a kind man, God fearing, funny and loves the community. Now don't get wrong I want those things but I am now more specific with what I want and what I will settle for. Thanks to insecure lol!

I want a kind man, who cares for others just as he cares for himself.

I want a man who is curious about the world and tries to understand it. Someone who loves to read and not just any books, books that are provoking and tv shows that are provoking. He will also encourage me to indulge in these books and tv shows.

Someone that is passionate about development and social justice, not just by words but with actions too.

Someone who is ambitious and driven, someone who wants to make an impact in this world. After all, we should leave this place better than we find it.

Someone who is kind, caring and intentional. I will never have to guess his intentions for me. His intentions would be very clear towards me. Also intentional with my family and friends.

Someone who is fun, comfortable and easy to have a good laugh with. Also adventurous and willing to explore other other cultures via travelling .

Importantly a man who loves God! Genuinely loves God.

That is my list.

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Today, I am celebrating my health. I received great news about my health and I no longer have to be worried. so I need a few glasses of wine to celebrate!

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I have so many dreams, goals and ambitions but I do the bare minimum to work to achieve them and to make it worst I think that's enough. I really need more discipline in my enough and to be less controlled by my emotions.

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Romans 8, reminds me of what happened on the cross and what that means for me as a christian. Romans 8 reminds me of the promises given to me by God.

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Having a desire is one thing but doing the work is another.

I am reminding myself it will be worth it!!

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contentment is an issue for me but what is more of a problem for me, is I continue to place my Joy in the wrong things and in the things that are temporary.

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So I have decided in the next few weeks I will start exploring the topic of self worth.

What is self worth...self worth is a subjective evaluation of an individual's own worth. This has made me question what do I think about my own worth?

Well the first question is, what is my self worth tied to? Well it's tied to various things; from my morals, values, personality traits, qualities, opinions and appearance.

So today I am going to explore my self worth tied to my appearance, ooh this is a challenge to me because its something that rarely comes to mind. Therefore, I will be exploring an undiscovered area, which makes me scared for what I will discover.

To say an aspect of my self worth is tied to my appearance is technically asking myself am I happy with my appearance or not? This is not a simple question to answer, because, truthfully the answer varies depending on my mood, experiences etc.

I grew up understanding my beauty heavily contradicted the standardised beauty standards. I am a dark skinned girl in a world that heavily celebrates being light skinned. Nonetheless, I never hated my skin. In fact I loved it even more because made me stand out. To some it made me stand out in a bad way but to me it was in a good way. My skin meant I was engraved in people's memories, made people curious about me. Some people were curious about me in a negative way but what mattered to me people were still curious. Whenever people viewed it or still view it in a negative way that is their problem and not mine. Never will I change me for someone else but me. Also when I started travelling I realised my skin provided opportunities, attention and more love my way. The most important thing is my skin represents my father, grandmother, uncles, aunties and cousins, when I wear my skin with pride I represent then well. However, its easy to get triggered in this world because people will because I don't look a certain way I shouldn't be celebrated or feel the need to feel a certain way.

When it comes to body Image, Just like for majority of people. It really varies! It was never really a concern till people started vocalising their preferences and surprise, surprise I was not their preference. Luckily people's opinions are not concrete therefore even when they try to move me, only lasts for a day. I have realised my own thoughts about my own body image surface when I attempt to date, especially online dating. This is because again, when these people vocalise their preferences, I usually ain't it. What has been my saving grace if I ain't for you, never will I force myself or change myself. Moreover, if I was unhappy with certain things I could easily change them.

Because of how fragile the idea of a good image is, I am so careful on what I expose myself to on social media, I am careful on what thoughts I entertain, sometimes I am not so successful. I do things that make me feel good. I am make sure I am my biggest fan before someone else becomes one. I remind myself I am fearfully and wonderfully made and the fact that my body is still able to do so much despite so much obstacles, makes me so happy and appreciative. Furthermore, If I complain about something that I can change, I try to change it or accept it.

I also understand that my appearance is not and should not be my everything. How I look should not determine how I value myself, because if it was it would be based on such a fragile and crumbling foundation. Hence why its very important to have a healthy view of my appearance but not make it my everything. Also if my self worth was only determined by my appearance it would constantly change, because people's opinions of what beauty is are constantly changing. This is why its important I continue to take the steps that I have been taking. These steps have helped me have a good and a healthy relationship, especially when it comes to my appearance being tied to my self worth.

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Saturday's are also for enjoying the good weather!

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This is what I call saturday bliss.