#remind me to never scroll through fb again

[mechadress]

Saw a literary challenge to write about one of your average days in quarantine. They picked Tuesday May 12th. Since all of my days keep blending together, I thought it would help me set a benchmark for how I handled quarantine. So here it is-

May 12th 2020,

My alarm goes off at 7am. I roll over to turn it off and promptly go back to sleep. This was a normal practice even before the world shut down. I don't have set hours at work, but I prefer to start around 8am. Since my work computer is only across the apartment, the motivation to wake up before I absolutely have to is extremely low.

8am rolls around and I can't bring myself to leave the bed yet. It all seems so pointless as no one seems to care what hours I keep and I don't have any early morning meetings. I scroll through Facebook and Tumblr on my phone, I check my email more times than I really need to, and pet whichever cat is closest, usually Sierra. I find a post from a page that I follow that talks about Victorian parlor games and I share it to the Steampunk group I administer. There hasn't been much content in the group for awhile. I wonder if it's because steampunk isn't as popular as it once was or if no one has anything to say. It gets a few likes and one 'Care' emoji. I think it's because it indicates that people miss hanging out together.

Around 8:15 I need to use the toilet, which is enough to get me out of bed and sign into my work computer. CY yells out from his work station at the living room table to remind me to buy the camper table and a spray bottle he wanted for grilling. I order them from Amazon and feel guilty about getting nonessential items in the middle of a pandemic. I spend the first few hours of work scrolling through FB or Tumblr and knitting. While I knit I watch an hour and half long youtube video from ContraPoints about different types of second-hand embarrassment or 'cringe'. I identify a lot with what she says.

I am knitting a pair of socks simply because I have the yarn and I've never done it before. I tested out the gauge to make sure I had the right sized needles and I do. They are long dpns that were given to me by CY's mother once she realized I enjoyed knitting. Apparently she used to knit as well, but it would hurt her hands so she gave up on it. I had tried to use the dpns as intended, even looking up a video and practicing a few times, but I kept dropping stitches and getting annoyed with them. I eventually decided to order a circular needle from Amazon to use instead. I felt very guilty about this since there's all sorts of post-people and delivery people out there who are at risk moving all these boxes around, and here I'm ordering a stupid pair of needles that are a duplicate size to ones I own, but I just don't want to use. The circular needles are extremely nice and easy to work with and it is a pleasure to knit the socks. I still use the dpns as a stitch holder while I knit the heel. Today I'm connecting the insole and knitting along the foot. It's easy and enjoyable work especially after already completing the first sock.

I eat a prepackaged ube cake while I drink my tea and appreciate the nice pairing of flavors.

I feel bad about not getting more of my actual work done. However, I can't bring myself to concentrate on anything related to work. I keep moving my mouse around every 10 or so minutes so it looks like I'm active.

An old D&D friend of mine named Sam posts on FB about how he is proud of his company for continuing to let people work from home despite Ohio loosening some of the Stay at Home restrictions. I reply "We were told to expect to work from home until at least August. I'm grateful since it's one less thing to think about." Sam and I go back a forth a bit more, expressing gratitude and an interest in meeting up again once its safe. It's the first I've interacted with him in about 5 years and it makes me glad to hear from him.

I start lunch early because I don't have anything better to do. For lunch I make myself and CY a sandwich. We have some really good Italian bread we got from the grocery store that we can make into a decent replica of a Philadelphia style hoagie. I already chopped up the veggies so I can just take them out of the fridge and start layering them on. CY likes his sandwich with mayo and turkey. I don't like handling either of those things, but it's easy enough. I make his first then make a veggie version for myself. We use the new hoagie oil which isn't as bad as I had originally feared, but it isn't as good as the name brand one we had before. Pity they were out of it at the store when we went.

My 2019 tax refund from Ohio lands into my investment account. I plan to use it to invest in assorted stocks I feel will bounce back once the economy recovers.

After lunch I watch a few more youtube videos while I knit. One is a career review of the one-hit wonder band 'Living in a Box' and another is a recording of 'the world's worst singer' Florence Foster Jenkins. I had found an article that talked about people who had a medical condition which made them unable to percieve how poorly they performed a skill. In her case, she was a renowned as a very poor singer who believed she was very good and people would come to watch her ironically. I try to watch a congressional hearing where they discuss the health crisis with Dr. Fauci, but it's too depressing so I stop.

My anxiety related to work continues to grow. I figure that I'm not able to bring myself to do any investigation on my own, but I'm still able to ask people questions. I reach out through Skype to a colleague who I believe had worked with this business group before. I am surprised by how helpful she is and how quickly she is to respond. We get on a call and she shows me some reporting she did that is similar and directs me towards a table she thinks would have the values I'm looking for. She recommends another colleague to talk to and I schedule a meeting with him for the next day since he was busying for the rest of today. I feel instantly better. My anxiety about my work plummets and I find the energy and motivation to start investigating another task I've been given. I quickly find 1) the task was way easier than I initially estimated and 2) the data I want isn't available where I thought it would be. I even find out a new way to pull code out of Tableau and I excitedly share my discovery with another colleague. Around this time it's getting close to 4pm, my usual time to stop working and just become available for questions, should anyone need to reach out to me. I feel better about myself and allow myself to take more pleasure in my activities.

I start to prepare for the online D&D game I host each week, Tuesdays at 7:30pm. One of my favorite things about quarantine is that it's given me the time and ability to play again. I've missed having a regular D&D game badly. We had a very good game the previous week and I'm excited to make new material for this new game. I decide to include a villain who is a Banksia Man, one of the anatognists from the Australian fairy-tale Snugglepot and Cuddlepie. CY had helped me over the weekend come up with a cool backstory for him. I take notes and save some pictures so I can display them to my players through screen share.

A group of our friends are doing a Plank Challenge while we try to stay in shape while in quarantine. Colette set up a FB group with a list of exercises to do for 13 days. Each day, you do your assigned exercise then you post to the group to indicate you completed your day's tasks. CY and I made a point to work out for a bit each day after work and were already doing a fair amount of planks so the challenge as it was written was too easy for us. We tend to double the amount of time for each exercise or we double up the reps. My tasks for today are 30 seconds each of planks, rocking planks, hip dips, and up downs. I do all the exercises straight through twice with a short break in between sets then post to FB in the group.

After doing planks, CY and I go out to a nearby park to walk for a bit. We go for about 2.5 miles. It's a nice day, nearly 60 degrees. I am happy to see wild flowers starting to sprout up and the leaves coming back to the trees. Most people in the park are polite and keep their distance. It's rare to see people wearing masks while they are walking or running, so it almost feels normal.

We make it back with enough time for me to start getting my notes ready for game. CY offers to make me food and asks what I'd like to eat. We had just gone to Trader Joe's the weekend before and gotten a truly ridiculous amount of frozen food. He insists I pick something from the freezer to eat. In the end we decide he'll cut up the jackfruit crab cakes and make them into 'seafood tacos'. He even makes some sriracha ranch to go with it. The crab cake is surprisingly greasy, but it's very tasty and filling. Not sure I'd get it again though.

I go into the gaming group call and we quickly realize that only Gene and Aaron are going to be able to join game. We don't think it will be enough to continue the campaign I prepared for so I offer to do a one-shot just for them. I show them a cute rpg I found awhile ago called 'Fuck! It's Dracula' and we give it a shot. We have fun but I feel a bit unprepared since I have to ab lib most of the plot and come up with secret plans on the fly so they can be betrayed by their NPCs. The game is much shorter than I initially anticipated and we finish up around 9:30pm, much earlier than normal. I don't feel like Aaron and Gene enjoyed this game as much as they would have enjoyed the larger campaign I made, but at least we got to play together for a bit. I appreciate the social contact at the very least.

We dismiss ourselves from game and I join CY on the couch. He is watching some cooking tutorial videos, trying to teach himself how to smoke brisket properly. I go back and forth between different apps on my phone, not really paying attention to the TV. I try to read for a bit, but we eventually settle down to sleep before I get very far. I feel good about how the day went and I'm proud of myself for getting work done on the sock and researching my projects. I feel better about my life than I did when I first woke up this morning.

[sidekickjoey]

My (Very) Spoiler Filled Review of Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Grindlewald

That movie was so much better than I was expecting considering all the reviews I’ve seen knocking it hard for the past week. Here’s my recap of my experience with it character-by-character, as well as some of my responses to reviews/criticism I read beforehand-- let me know what you think! 

Read at your own risk, there’s a lot of spoilers here. Scroll REALLY fast until you see the gif I put at the end, mobile users! I’m sorry read mores don’t work for you! 

1. Newt Scamander, never change. I found myself going ‘awwww’ way too much over this man in this movie. He’s so quirky and so true to himself the whole way through, and I absolutely am in awe of it. He’s seriously a dream of a man. The gentleness he gives toward his creatures and his utter playfulness with the ZouWu (look me in the eye and tell me that didn’t make you feel all warm inside) was breathtaking. Eddie Redmayne once again outdid himself with his portrayal of Newt. His expressions this movie too were phenomenal, especially since we didn’t always hear Newt speaking. A+ to him all across the board.

2. Let’s talk about Queenie. I see a lot of people upset at what Queenie became in this movie, but in all reality, I don’t think it’s as out of character as everyone is saying. Think about it: Queenie experienced something traumatic. She found the one man she loves more than anything, and then suddenly he’s ripped away from her because of a rule the main four all acknowledged in some way was super ancient and not right. She gets him back, but yet again, she is hounded with society being like “Hey, we see your love, but it’s not right and we will send you to prison if you try marrying each other.” That stuff gets to you. It makes you think irrationally. Someone mentioned “But Queenie was so smart last time and now she’s acting like an idiot.” Well, yeah. That’s kind of what Jacob was saying. It’s because she feels threatened, and that pressure has gotten to her so much that she is desperate to find a fix for it. Was it a lot to use a love potion on Jacob? Yes. Was it a lot to jump the gun and follow Grindlewald? Yes. But she felt she had no choice. She was backed into a corner, and Grindlewald held out his hand and said he can make all her dreams come true. When you are desperate, you’re going to take whatever chances you can get. 

3. By the way, let’s talk about Grindlewald. I walked into this expecting Hitler 2.0 to be honest, but what we got is kind of scarier in a way. Grindlewald is, as we saw in the first movie with his “Won’t we die just a little” comment to Newt, not exactly wrong. He’s fighting for things that should be fixed. He wants freedom and he wants truth. He wants wizards to have to not live in shame, and he wants them to be able to marry muggles and even interact with them without shame. However, he’s a bad guy fighting behind these causes. His methods and means of going about things are all wrong. With the WWII vision he saw, he pandered to fear to gain support. He took the message and said “Hey, this is the future if we don’t act” without informing them that, sorry to break it to you, that’s the future regardless. And that my friends is dangerous. He’s so sly and he’s so manipulative, and he gets away with what he does with his supporters because he’s not fighting for a bad cause. It sends chills up and down my spine thinking of it. Also, I’m not too fond of Depp, but his delivery of Grindlewald, especially during the speech, was fantastic. If anything, his role of the villain offers you a chance to hate him all you want. I really enjoyed his portrayal this time around.

4. Oh my goodness, Newtina. I’ll admit, I wasn’t the biggest Newtina fan coming into this film. I liked them, but idk, the chemistry wasn’t really there for me and it seemed a bit forced. This film, however, changed my mind. My heart freakin broke hearing Newt call out to Tina in his home. He looked so utterly devastated. And Tina reacting so hurt to him, calling him Mr. Scamander? Rip out my heart and serve it on a plate, will you? Newt is freakin precious around her, and you could actually feel he was crazy about her this time. His cute little fawning over her eyes and her stance was precious. It reminded me of when Harry talks about Ginny having nice skin. Tina’s admiration for Newt also was precious. The way she finished his sentence, the way she understood his methods with the ZouWu? Idk, I could feel she really is starting to understand him and become attached. My heart melts for them this time around, and even though the kiss didn’t come, I think it’ll be there next time and beautiful as ever.

5. Dumbledore. Jude Law can freakin slay. I absolutely was in love with everything about his portrayal of Dumbledore. I literally have no complaints, he was perfection.

6. Credence, or whoever you are. This was a bit of whirlwind. If there was ever a part where I got tripped up, it was probably at this reveal. One moment he’s the son of that nanny of his, then he’s a Lestrange, and the next moment he’s some random? I really feel for his frustration because how do you even comprehend all that. I full out shouted though when his big ending cliffhanger thing happened. A lot of people are tripped up because “in the canon verse Dumbledore only had one brother and one sister, JKR is ruining everything, doom and gloom forever.” However, let’s look at what JKR said: not everything we think we know at the end is true. This could be another one of Grindlewald’s mind games. Remember, Queenie told Grindlewald Credence was unsure of his choice. What if this is a ploy to retain his trust? And, if it is true, what if there is a lot more to the story that we will find out that explains why Credence went absolutely unknown and unspoken of in the original Harry Potter books? We are only two movies in to a five part series, everyone. There’s time to figure things out. Don’t let that stop you from enjoying the movie and ones to come.

7. My dear Leta & Theseus. Theseus was what I thought he would be. The kind of outgoing, stiff, Percy-like character who plays a near opposite of his brother. I liked though the moments when Theseus let his guard down and took care toward Newt. His hug was one of those times, and at the end when Newt hugs him back? Magic, right there. I wish we knew a bit more about how he came to be with Leta, but that’s okay. I loved getting to know her a bit and see her past with Newt. She seemed like someone who would give it all to protect those she felt she wronged or cared about, so I do not see her passing as all that out of the blue. Someone needed to do it, and it did two really important things. One, it gave Theseus something other than his boring ministry job’s orders to fight for. Two, it made Newt finally choose a side. Though our time was short with her, I adored her being around.

8. And then there’s Nagini. I feel like we will get way more time with her toward the end of the series. I loved her being there as Credence’s support and friend. I’m still wildly intrigued as to how she ends up in Voldemort’s company, especially after seeing her so pointedly choose against Grindlewald. 

9. The Troublemakers: Nicolas Flamel and McGonagall. Flamel was honestly really funny here, and I know some people have said he was pointless, but I really enjoyed him being there. He provided a good moment of comic relief, and in the end he helped save the day. Not every character has to be some dark, deep character. As for Minerva, I know the timeline is wrong. I get it. I think that was a bit of fan service so people who are HP fans but aren’t as into FB see a familiar face. Not everyone is reading up on HP lore and timelines. To some people, there is no problem with it. It sucks for those who know about the issue, but I don’t think it’s enough to start a riot against JKR for. There’s loads that doesn’t always make sense in the HP universe, and frankly, this will go down with that. Take a deep breath and move forward, everyone.

10. Lastly, Jacob. My sweet summer child. He’s really put through the ringer with this movie. One second he’s engaged, the next second he’s lost in London, then his girlfriend suddenly isn’t with him and he finds her at some villain rally? One man can only take so much. I feel for him at the end when he’s so incredibly lost and looking ready to die. Bless Tina for keeping an eye on him. I’m really glad he has Newt around. His moments with Newt were adorable, and I love that he, much like Tina, is starting to accept that Newt’s just a quirky guy. He’s starting to read and understand him more, which I loved the expression of when he stops going on about Queenie to talk about Tina for the very depressed Newt. He’s really coming around. I hope there’s a happy ending in the ropes for him. He’s more than just a character used for comic relief. I think he has something destined in the future. I just want it to be good.

Thanks for reading this incredibly long review! As reward, enjoy a Newt.

[sashatrr]

Breathe with me. Chapter 3

@indiacater @annekebbphotography

Chapter 2 here

Two days later Liam gave up trying to keep his mind off Lina and was sitting on his bed with phone in hand. Now he just needed to figure it out how does he enter that Facebook thing to talk to her.

OK, it's not a rocket science, I can do that. Email. I don't have personal email. Should I ask my assistant for my email? No, he will ask questions. Patience. Let's just make a new one.

15 min later

Ok, why does it need my phone number? I don't remember it. I'll just enter some random number. Nobody cares.

10 min later

Fine, why I didn't think that it will send me some confirmation code? How do I get it now? Think, Liam, think. Right, I'll call Drake, ask for my number and write it down.

-Hey, Drake… No No, nothing happened. I need you to tell me my phone number… Yes, I know it's two am, sorry. Yes, I am writing it down… No, I don't know how to find it in my settings. OK, thanks and good night.

Got it!!!! Here is the code. OK they sent me a letter to my email. But I already closed it. I don't remember what name did I make up. Download the app button? Nah, I don't know what will it do. OK, don't panic, Liam. Just think what name did you make. John Smith was already occupied. Right, it was JohnSmithakaKing. Aha, I am in. Done. Now how do I find her? Right. Search for Lina New York. OK, there is not one Lina in New York? Calm down, scroll down. OK, this is bad. There is literally like hundreds of them.

One and a half hour later

Aha, this looks like her! Finally. OK, add friend.

20 minutes later as the sun raises

Declined? Why did she decline? Message. OK works too.

Good morning.

20 min later.

OK, her picture wasn't in front of the message before and now it moved there. What does it mean? Should have taken a course on social media before to try it.

Good morning, Lina. It's Liam if you still remember me?

15 seconds later

….

Hey. Yes I do, of course I do. What's up? Didn't know you were on FB. Sorry I declined. Didn't know it was you… John Smith.

Sorry about that. Couldn't really name myself King Liam of Cordonia. So how are you?

This is exciting. We are literally speaking right now. She holds her phone in hand thousands of kilometers away and talks to me. God, I spoke on the phone before, I message Drake but never it felt so exciting.

I am good, fine. How are you? What brings you to Facebook anyway? Just created an account?

Yes, just now. Maxwell mentioned the other day that you talk to each other here. So I figured I could also give it a try and find some friends.

Welcome to the 21st century I guess? So anyway, how are things in Cordonia?

Good. We are actually coming to New York next Wednesday.

10 min later

Why she doesn't reply? Her picture moved down. She saw the message. I didn't say anything wrong.

15 min later

Yeah, Max told me. I'll see you guys Wednesday night.

Wait what? Maxwell already invited her? Sorry Drake but title of my best friend goes to Maxwell from now on.

Yes, I can't wait. Will your boyfriend join us?

Why did I type that? How do I delete it before she reads the message? Crap, to late. Picture is already next to it. Imbecile. Next time think before you type.

5 min later

Maybe. We didn't discuss it yet. Sorry but I gtg. Can't wait to see you and Max. Talk to you later.

Not much but it will do. Are all conversations through Facebook so awkward and impersonal? I definitely need a course.

Liam threw his phone on the bed and drifted to sleep.

——————————————————–——

Lina nervously threw her phone on the kitchen counter and began to pace a floor. She didn't really have to go anywhere or do anything. She had this afternoon all to herself. She was planning to go shopping but since her conversation with Max last night all she could think of was Liam. Year and a half had passed since that night. First weeks were difficult for her. She often returned to the memories of that night replaying every word and every second of it. She often cursed herself for rejecting Max's offer, would she accepted then at least she would be able to see him again. She was wondering what would happen if she accepted and went to Cordonia. One night she decided to Google him and since then she was following all news about their weird competition. She saw their pictures in Internet and knew right then that she made a right decision to stay home. There was no chance in hell that she could complete with those gorgeous, rich and sophisticated women. It got better with a time, she almost convinced herself that nothing special happened that night. Cinderellas don't exist in real life, she would just become a laughing stock for entire world if she went there and would end up with broken heart. Besides the idea itself was ridiculous. What is it, 16 century or a horse race? No, nothing good would come out of it.

Finally a day of coronation was there and he picked his bride. Gorgeous, rich blonde. She was working that day when the news were published and she was grateful for it. Lina knew it was silly but she couldn't help it and was dreaming that he would reject them all and magically appear in her bar but of course it didn't happen. Next few days pictures of Liam and his fiance were all over cordonian news sites and they were looking very happy together.

One of his friends would often message her on FB, they became quite close, he was funny and kind guy. They were never discussing Liam, competition or his fiance and Lina was grateful for that. She didn't want to hear how happy he was with another woman.

She convinced herself that she became obsessed with media image and nothing else. It's the same as to have celebrity crush. It passes with a time and nobody dies from it. Of course he was a guy any girl would fall for. Handsome, charming, rich and powerful.

She kept telling herself that she will get over this obsession and will be happy. Then she met Thomas and it almost became true.

He was a successful lawyer ten years older than her. Of course there was this age difference but it only attracted her more. He was so mature and composed comparing to the guys of her age. She didn't know if that was love but being with him made her happy and she almost got over that obsession with Liam. Almost.

She still followed all the news about him, she knew about attacks and his father's death and she felt bad for him but at least now she had Thomas to look at and remind herself that she will be happy, she is dating wonderful man who picked her of all women for some reason.

Thomas was a perfect boyfriend who never canceled dates no matter how busy he was with his work, he often arranged surprise weekends for her taking her to see different cities around US and he was generous lover. She couldn't complain.

The only sore in her life was her inability to find a better job in New York. All the places she sent her resumes to were looking for experienced professionals. She had zero experience and it made her chances to ever find a good job close to zero as well. She graduated with mediocre balls and had no advantages.

Yesterday she was working when Max messaged her and said that they are coming to New York again for another bachelor party. Lina wondered how many bachelor parties Liam needs and if it is some cordonian tradition to go to New York for that. He said that they will spend four full days in New York and asked her if she wants to see them. She had to go to back alley of her bar before people in bar would notice how nervous and stressed she was. It took her good ten minutes to calm her nerves and to be able think straight again.

No, that's definitely the worst idea ever. It took me almost a year to get over that obsession. If I see him again it will start all over again. No, absolutely no. I should just say no, find any excuse and to avoid them at any cost.

Finally she made up her mind and messaged back.

Sorry, Max, but I am working next week. It will be a very busy week but I will love to see you again next time you are in town. Just give me head ups and I'll take a night off xoxoxxoxo

Max replied almost immediately

Awww no. But that's OK, if you are working then we can come to your bar and after your shift we go clubbing all together. So we will drop in Wednesday night. The same booth!!!

Shit shit shit. OK that didn't work at all. That's even worse than to just go clubbing with them. I'll be so nervous that I'll just probably drop a tray or a few Infront of them. Besides I don't even have to work Wednesday night. Why did I even add Max? Should have blocked him and never hear from them again. From any of them. Life would be so much easier now.

Np Max, I just traded shifts with a friend so my night is free. You don't have to come to bar, we will meet in Kismet, OK?

Awsome! See you there at 11 xxooxox.

Since last night she was just a bundle of nerves and it didn't become any better once she realised that Liam himself was now messaging her.

Really what's up with those guys? Why would he message me now or even remember about me after all this time? I was sure that he forgot about me as soon as he drove me home that night. OK don't sound desperate. Just keep it as casual as possible and it should be fine, right?

Several times Lina didn't reply his messages right away taking her time to calm down and to master some casual, almost cold replies. Like Kings and hot guys were messaging her every day. Not a big deal, ha!

OK, I better say that I have to go. I might be working or having fun out with friends, right? Not like he knows that I am home alone and freaking out right now. OK bye, Liam, before I type something stupid. Oh my, next days will be a torture I just know it already.

Later that night she went to Thomas's place. She was vague if she should go or to stay home and keep freaking out but it would be super rude to cancel. Thomas himself has never canceled their dates and he knew that it's her day off anyway.

Her fingerprints were in the database and she had a key to his apartments so she unlocked the door and entered just as Thomas was coming out of the hallway leading to bedrooms.

He just took shower obviously because his hair were still wet. He rushed to her and wrapped Lina in his arms giving her a long passionate kiss on the lips.

-Hello, gorgeous. I've missed you. How was your day?

Still holding her waist Thomas leaded her towards living room and sat on the couch wrapping his arms around her.

-It was good, didn't do anything special. What about you? - Lina laughed nervously. She still wasn't able to relax and enjoy seeing him wishing she was home alone right now. She just needed time to process the fact that she will be seeing Liam in a few days again and Thomas definitely was a distraction. She wasn't able to focus on him just yet.

-As usual, we don't want to discuss my work, believe me. I would rather to enjoy a quiet night with you. - Thomas laid her down on the couch and began to passionately kiss her letting his arms to wonder around Lina's body.

A few minutes later Lina gently pushed him away and Rose from the couch.

-I was promised a dinner-she giggled silly.

-Are we going to cook or…?

-No, I got a take out on my way home. It's in the kitchen. Let's go before it gets cold.

They went to the kitchen together, Thomas sat at the counter while Lina took the food out of containers and put it on the plates. Thomas would never eat it straight out of containers even if it was just a take out food.

For a few minutes they just enjoined their food in comfortable silence until Lina finally spoke.

-Do you remember Max? My friend from Europe?

Thomas nodded.

-Yes, a funny silly guy. You forced me to go with you to the club. What about him?

-Well, he is coming to New York again and invited us to Kismet wednesday night. Are you in?

Thomas whipped his mouth with a napkin and took a sip of wine.

-Yes, about that. II was going to tell you. I have to go to Chicago for a week. I'll be leaving Monday so you will have to go without me.

Great, just great. And how am I supposed to keep my sanity if I won't have you there?

Lina sighed sadly and shook her head.

-That sucks. I was really hoping that you could come with me.

Thomas rose from his seat and walked to Lina giving her peek on the cheek.

-That's OK, go have some fun just two of you. I wouldn't be able to keep up with you, kids, anyway. That guy is like energizer and you will spend all night on the dance floor. But I will make it up to you later, I promise.

Fanfuckingtastic. Yes, just leave me one on one with my celebrity crush. He doesn't even know that. Should I tell him? No, I will sound crazy. How am I even going to say that? "Hey, by the way, a King of European country I was obsessed with will be there with us and I totally need you there not just to jump on him?". Yeah I can totally say that, right?

Next chapter

[artificialqueens]

Exercise in Folly 2.0 - 2.2 (Craquaria) - SamWhity

Title: Exercise in Folly 2.0 Summary: Monét looked at her with disbelief, before sighing: “Giovanni never saw the damn video. He dodged the whole thing like a pro because he was trying to be your friend”. “He’s my friend”. Cracker’s answer came without any hesitation, so natural and passionate that the other queen smiled softly. “Cracks…” Summary of the chapter: Lunch at Monét’s turns out to be quite the conversation. Between live-rants and breakups, there’s always time for a little heart to heart with the Bronx’s most beloved dragqueen. Author’s note: The italian words mamma, tesoro, balle and coglione mean respectively: mum, honey (or sweetheart), bullshit (or lies… à la: Liza Minelli lies) and asshole (if it’s used as an insult. Otherwise it could be translated with ball or testicle). Again, the whole Jordan-drama is completely fabricated for plot purposes. Cracker’s posts however can be easily found on his FB-page, if you have enough time to scroll through them all. Chapter 1 - Chapter 2.1

What have I become My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt (Johnny Cash, Hurt)

The vibration of his phone caused Giovanni to wake up. The young man grumbled, before stretching his arms and deciding he might as well sleep another ten minutes. A second vibration made him groan: what the hell was going on? He took the smartphone from his night stand and started reading.

Jordan, 09:13 am: I’ll come in the afternoon and start putting my stuff in boxes.

Jordan, 09:13 am: Just letting you know.

He sighed, before answering with a quick thumb up and throwing the phone on the other side of the bad.

“Damn it”, he murmured, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

He wanted nothing more than to enjoy his day off in peace, without petty drama and bullshit. However, karma seemed to be on his case once again. A new vibration made him scoff.

“Oh for fuck sake!”, he groaned, then he proceeded to read.

Francesca, 09:16 am: Mamma said you are off today. I don’t have classes for another hour and I could use some of your non-existing humour. Skype?

He quickly typed a reply.

Giovanni, 09:16 am: Of course, baby. Are you okay? What happened?

His phone lit up once again, this time with an incoming Skype-call. He answered quickly and took a good look at his sister.

“Francesca”, he asked concerned, “are you actually sitting alone on a bench with puffy eyes?”.

The other one sniffed, before shaking her head.

“Allergies”, she mumbled, then she blew her nose.

“Balle”, he cut her off “What happened, tesoro?”.

The girl started sobbing uncontrollably, making his worries grow by the second.

“Baby”, he tried to soothe her, “Breathe, okay? I��m here. Take a deep breath, it’s all going to be okay”.

In the following half hour, Giovanni listened to his sister’s sad break-up story and tried as best as he could not to show her how angry and upset he actually was. His baby sister was an incredibly smart and hard-working woman and she certainly did not deserve to be treated like that.

“How can I trust people?”, Francesca asked between sobs, “How can I possibly trust anyone ever again?”.

The young man sighed, uncertain about what to say.

“Tesoro”, he murmured affectionately, “Not everyone will hurt you. And those who do hurt you are not deserving of your time, let alone your affection”.

The other one’s small nod made him smile.

“It is going to be okay, I promise”, he added.

Francesca blew her nose loudly, making him chuckle.

“Do you want me to call dad?”, Giovanni asked, perfectly aware of the deep connection between David Palandrani and his daughter.

The other one shrugged, before answering: “I guess… would you?”.

“Of course, baby”, he smiled, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll do it”.

“How do you trust people?”.

His sister’s question left him dumbfounded and, at the same time, made him wince. Needless to say, he was not the best person to consult with in case of trust issues and doubts. He suddenly felt way younger and afraid of failing one of the most important people in his life.

“I guess you go with your guts”, he mumbled tentatively, before lowering his gaze and closing his eyes for a split second.

“Did it work with Jordan?”, Francesca asked, looking at him with concern.

Giovanni sighed.

“In the beginning, I guess”, he answered, before adding: “Don’t worry about Jordan now, tesoro. It’s all good. It’s great, actually”.

An incoming work-related call saved the young man from further questioning and the two said their goodbyes with the promise of catching up the following day.

“Just to make sure you’re okay”, Giovanni said.

He spent the following twenty minutes on the phone with IMG Models, scheduling photo-shoots and modeling-related appointments.

“Please, be mindful of your weight and measurements”, the secretary of the agency reminded him, before ending the phone-call.

“Well, no shit Sherlock”, he mumbled to himself, before noticing it was already almost eleven and he needed to get ready.

He sent a message to his father, before getting up and making his way to the kitchen.

Giovanni, 10:47 am: Francesca just called crying. That coglione broke up with her and she’s inconsolable.

He then put the kettle on and made himself a cup of tea, before picking up a pair of jeans and a jumper and starting to get dressed. Kevin lived not to far away from him: he might as well walk to the other’s apartment and get a good hour of exercise in. He sipped on his tea and scrolled through his Instagram feed, stopping to take a look at Nicola’s stories and smile at the sight of the man lounging in the sun of Las Vegas.

“He has not answered yet”, he murmured to himself and shrugged, “Maybe he wants to talk about it in person”.

A vibration interrupted his thought-process.

Monét X-Change, 11:23 am: Can you please bring some wine? Yuhua drank it all! :O

Giovanni chuckled, before answering.

Aquaria, 11:23 am: White or red?

The text he received made him cackle loudly.

Monét X-Change, 11:24 am: Wine.

Aquaria, 11:25 am: I’ll take care of it, no probs.

Quickly, the young man went to his bedroom to take his jacket and his wallet. With the phone still in his hand, he quickly closed the door to his room and locked it, before putting the key in his pocket and quickly making his way to the front door.

He exited his apartment, checked his pockets one last time and locked the door behind him, before making his way to the elevator and pressing the button. Once out of the building, Giovanni looked briefly around before deciding the wine from the bodega was good enough for his lunch with Kevin. Neither of them understood anything about wines and there was little to no point in trying to impress his friend.

“He will drink regardless”, he mumbled to himself, while entering the little shop and smiling at the cat lounging next to the register.

The young man quickly found a bottle of Pinot and paid for it, then he exited the shop and started walking.

“Bitch!”.

Kevin engulfed him in a tight hug, before putting the wine on the small entry-table and hugging him again.

“It’s good to see you”, the younger one murmured with a smile, before taking a good look around and commenting: “I see you have settled in pretty comfortably”.

The other one nodded, before making his way to the kitchen and putting the wine on the table.

“Come sit!”, he beckoned Giovanni to follow him, “Come on, take a seat and eat something!”.

His enthusiasm was almost contagious.

In that exact moment, Aquaria’s phone vibrated.

“Sorry”, he mumbled, “I’ll put it away immediately. Promise.”

Jordan, 01:05 pm: You really closed the door? Really?

Jordan, 01:05 pm: I don’t know what you think you’re doing but it’s ridiculous.

Jordan, 01:06 pm: You are ridiculous.

He sighed, before setting the device on “do not disturb”.

“Everything okay?”, Kevin’s voice startled him.

He managed to smile weakly, before nodding.

“Of course, don’t worry”, Giovanni lied, knowing fully well the other one would have never bought it, “It’s honestly no big deal”.

The older one sighed, before taking the bottle and the glasses and making his way to the living room.

“Sit here and wait for me, okay?” he instructed the other one.

In a couple of minutes, the two were comfortably sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and some food on a little tray.

“Okay”, Kevin started with a small smile, “What is it happening?”.

It was a simple question, however Giovanni did not really know where to start. He closed his eyes for a brief second, trying to calm himself enough to put a few words together in a coherent sentence. Exactly in that moment, a flashback of his fight with Jordan made him wince slightly.

“Baby…”, his friend’s voice sounded worried, while he asked tentatively: “What happened in London?”.

The younger one sighed, before taking a deep breath and asking: “What did you hear about it?”.

The other one bit his lower lip, then he answered.

“That you fired him in London and he wants to get sober in LA”.

There was a tentativeness to Kevin’s voice that made Giovanni snort.

“Come on”, he said, “You can do better than this”.

The other one took a deep breath, before nodding.

“Okay, full tea”, he started, “I heard that you freaked out and screamed at him in the car, after the gala. I heard that you fired him on the spot and had to fly on your own while he was staying in London with some guy. Someone speculates you two were fucking and things went sour, someone thinks it’s about money”.

Not receiving any kind of answer, he continued: “Someone says it’s because of drugs and someone else was implying he caused a scene at the Gala and embarrassed you. Since I came back from touring, there is this constant chatter about the two of you and how you should have never worked together…”.

The sob on the other side made Kevin stop, dead on his tracks.

“Oh baby”, he murmured, before hugging the other one and adding: “I’m sorry”.

Giovanni shook his head, before breaking the hug and looking for a tissue in the pocket of his trousers. Once he found it, he wiped his tears and took a deep breath.

“It was so bad”, he murmured, incapable of cancelling those hours from his mind, “I did not know what to do, I was alone and had no idea how to help”.

He instinctively looked for his friend’s hand and squeezed it, before continuing: “The management called the very same evening and it was so humiliating…”.

Kevin nodded, before handing him a new tissue and prodding: “What did Jordan say, after that?”.

The other one scoffed, trying to contain his hurt and failing badly at it.

“He asked me how I dared, he questioned my work and said I would have never survived without him”, he answered, “I never saw him acting or speaking like that”, he then murmured before lowering his head.

Monét nodded, before sighing.

“I’m sorry baby”.

Giovanni nodded and mumbled a small “Thank you”, before blowing his nose.

They spent a couple of seconds in relative silence, before the younger one started speaking again.

“I really thought it was a phase. I thought I could help”, he sighed, “However I can not put my whole career in jeopardy because of Jordan’s issues”.

The older one nodded.

“You did the right thing, Giovanni”, he then murmured and hugged his friend once more.

“Can I have a sip of wine?”, the younger one asked weakly, before wiping away his own tears once again.

Kevin handed him a full glass with a smile, before taking a sip himself.

“It will get better, eventually”, he said, before taking a deep breathe and asking: “Do you want to talk about the video during the interview?”.

Seeing that the other one was still moping he quickly added: “You don’t have to, but maybe it would make you feel better”.

Giovanni nodded, before getting up.

“I just need a small break… can I use the toilet?”.

Ten minutes later, the two men were sitting on the sofa and munching on some Thai food.

“Thanks for the food”, Giovanni murmured, before taking a small sip of his wine and continuing: “Do you mind if I check my phone quickly?”.

The other one shook his head, so he took his phone out of his pocket and looked for messages or missed calls.

Jordan, 02:03 pm: I left the boxes in my room

Jordan, 02:03 pm: I’ll pick them up later this week

He sighed, before replying with a thumb up and continuing reading.

Nicola, 02:07 pm: Is our dinner still on? What about eight at mine?

He quickly sent an answer back, before noticing that the message he sent the night before had somehow disappeared.

“Weird”, he murmured.

Giovanni, 02:10 pm: Of course! You know I never turn down sushi! See you later! Xoxo

He locked the screen, before putting his phone back in his pocket.

“Do you want to talk about it?”, Monét asked softly, looking at him with concern.

The other sighed, before biting his lower lip.

“I don’t know what to say”, he murmured, “I did not want to be in the position of questioning our friendship again, you know?”, he added, sounding incredibly tired and almost spent.

“It’s like the old days, before things went sour”, he continued after having taken a small sip of his wine, “I don’t know if I can trust him and it’s like… it’s like a constant reminder that I’m not good enough”.

“That is bullshit”, Kevin cut him off, “You and Cracker should really stop with this not good enough crap”.

The other one mumbled something, before putting the wine glass down and taking a small piece of bread and starting nibbling at it.

“Do you feel like telling me what do you mean by like the old days?”, the older one asked softly, trying to understand his friend’s point of view as best as he could.

Giovanni took another small bite at his piece of bread, before answering.

“There were moments when I felt made fun of”, he then confessed, “He used to post dumb shit on Facebook and write a comment saying something like… mh… wait until Aquaria likes it. Or let’s see how long it will take before Aquaria will like this post”.

He shrugged, before continuing.

“I constantly felt the pressure of being this mature man when I was barely twenty and it got me in the worst way possible”, he suddenly realised, “Even comparing our style and make-up felt like a dig”.

There was sadness in those words, and shame. There was the realisation their friendship could have been saved years before them being on a reality TV show. They just needed to talk openly to one another, for once. There was a taste of bitterness as well, because somehow the young man was asking himself if it was too late to mend those wounds.

“You should talk to him”, Kevin’s voice startled him, “I am sure he would love to know what is happening in your smart little head”, he then finished with a soft smile and clear affection in his voice.

“I am sure he’s okay. He seems to be doing pretty good nowadays”, the other’s reply made him scoff loudly.

“You two are really something else”, he commented shaking his head, before hugging Giovanni once more and patting his back: “Thanks for sharing that with me”, he finally added for good measure.

The younger one’s phone vibrated a couple of times, making the two break the hug.

Rémy, 02:35 pm: He’s losing it again.

Rémy, 02:35 pm: Have you seen Jordan’s live?

Rémy, 02:36 pm: I have no idea how to stop this nonsense but someone should.

Quickly opening Instagram and selecting Jordan’s latest Instastories, Giovanni was presented with a live video of his former room-mate. He was clearly intoxicated and sitting in a room the young man was not familiar with. He was talking to his and Aquaria’s viewers and mumbling words.

“You know, I really wish him the best. Even though he is a sly little brat and can not for the love of God survive on his own. Did you know he hangs around his friends all the time because he is afraid of being alone? Because he is, let me tell you. Funny because he has no problems chasing them off of his life, if they don’t fit his perfect little sanitized lie. He’s an hypocrite little piece of…”.

The video suddenly stopped. Kevin took his friend’s phone, close the App and put it on the table before he could witness the rest of that rant. He then moved closer to Giovanni and put a hand on his arm.

“I’m sorry, baby”, he murmured, then he continued with a sterner voice: “But you should stop watching this shit, or caring. You know who you are, you know how much hard work you put into everything you do. Think about it and let the rest go”.

Biting his lower lip, the other one nodded before getting up and taking his jacket.

“My apartment should be free now”, he announced, “I might as well go back to it and do some work”.

In a couple of minutes, the conversation was over and he was out of Kevin’s apartment. When the wind started blowing making him shiver, Giovanni suddenly realized something: he didn’t. He didn’t know who he was, let alone who Aquaria was. Not anymore. Not after all that. Not when he struggled so hard to keep himself together without crumbling after just a couple of low blows.

“Shit”, he murmured, wiping away a single tear.

[moonprincess92]

you know i want all of the AUs!!! but especially that coffeeshop AU — with sprinkles of them becoming roommates and having to fake date for some mysterious reason. :D (but i‘d be happy with just the coffeeshop AU tbh.) but you know i love all of your AUs (stories in general) and love you! ❤️

it’s no coffee shop au, but i managed to do the other two - anything for you, girl! (also on ao3) 

Jyn was literally already halfway to her parent’s house when she got themessages.

JynnjYYYNNNNNfuck my life apparently danielle is getting marriedFUCKFKJGIN MARRIEDPLS ANSWER THIS IS AN OFFICIAL CODE BLUE

She’d only glanced at them as she drove, but upon seeing the forebodingDanielle’s name she immediately pulled over to read them through properly.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

She hastily texted back,

AREU FUCKING KIDDING ME TELL ME UR KIDDING 

Only two cars whizzed on by before he replied,  

I am NOT kidding, she’s fuckingannounced it on fb????

In the next second, Jyn was furiously pulling up said Facebook, searchingfor Danielle’s profile. She was technically still friends with the woman, butonly so that she could retain the prime stalking privileges that being Facebookfriends provided. If she could, she would have blocked and deleted herMONTHS ago, but Cassian had begged her to keep her around ‘just in case, Idon’t know, so I can avoid her I guess’. It didn’t take much scrolling. Themost recent post of hers was an engagement announcement to some guy she hadliterally never even heard of, complete with professional photo spread andcurrently over a thousand likes.

Out of spite, Jyn angry-faced it.

JUSTCHECKED, MATE U WEREN”T KIDDING

OF COURSE IM NOT KIDDING

Areu drunk yet????

I’m certainly on my way

Jyn sighed, staring at her phone. She’d been planning on meeting up withher parents for dinner for months now. With her living several cities away andtheir ever-increasing schedules, it was always hard to find the time… but thisparticular crisis called for significant action. She quickly texted Cassian oncemore,

Areu at home??

I am currently on the couch of pain,yes

Don’tmove, I’ve just left work, I’ll be there soon

Before she could receive the expected ‘no, no, you go see your familylike you planned don’t worry about me’ messages, she quickly called herparents.

“Hello?”

“Mama? It’s me,” Jyn said. “Look, I know we’ve had to reschedule thisdinner like three times now, and I’m so sorry, but I won’t be able to make ittonight either.”

“What’s going on this time?” Lyra Erso sighed. 

“Cassian’s ex-fiancée has just announced that she’s engaged again.”

“Oh, shit,” Lyra said at once, any trace of disappointment instantly gone. “Seriously, Danielle?”

“You understand the gravity of the situation.”

“I thought they’d only just broken up?”                

“It was four months ago,” Jyn admitted. “But four months to get over athree year relationship, find someone else, fall in love, AND get engagedagain? Fuck her!”

“Jyn, go home, seriously,” Lyra insisted. “Make sure that boydoesn’t drown himself in the bathtub or something.”

“I think drowning in alcohol is more likely – thanks Mama,” Jyn said inrelief. “Can you explain to Papa?”

“Of course – OI, GALEN!” Lyra’s booming voice suddenly screeched down the other end of theline. “CASSIAN’S EX GOT ENGAGED AGAIN!”

“The girl who dumped him two weeksbefore the wedding? How dare she!”

“I KNOW RIGHT?”

Jyn figured to hang up then. It didn’t take long for her to hang a quicku-turn and swing back in the direction she had come from, but it was longenough to notice the ten or so new messages that had apparently been sentto her as she’d spoken to her parents.

“Don’t even start,” she said upon storming straight into theirapartment. “I was coming back no matter what you said, this is a Code Blue forsure.”

“Did I even use the right one? Which one was Code Blue again?” Cassiansaid in resignation. He didn’t even bother getting up from the sofa, where hewas currently laid splayed out with a half-empty bottle of wine sitting on thecoffee table next to him.

“Code Blue is ‘emotionally my life has gone balls up and I need you’,”Jyn reminded him. “Code Red is ‘I fucked up and need immediate assistance’. Wesave Code Black for ‘I’M DYING’.”

“I don’t know, I think this could be a Code Black as well, Jyn.”

“You’re not dying yet,” she snorted, snagging the wine as she sat downon the other end of the sofa, lifting Cassian’s legs out of the way anddropping them back into her lap. She peered at the bottle in her hand andasked, “Could you have bought a cheaper bottle of wine?”

“I wasn’t spending any more on her.”

“Fair point,” Jyn threw some back. Cassian gestured for her to pass itbetween them, but she shook her head before hastily drinking more. “No, no, Iclearly have to catch up here.”

“I’m not THAT drunk.”

“Try and get off this sofa.”

He glared at her for several moments.

“Case in point.”

Cassian groaned, flinging an arm over his eyes. “Honestly, how did I endup here?” he said and Jyn felt for him, she really did. When you knew someonefor nearly 10 years, you saw a lot of heartbreaks and aches. From when they’dfirst met as awkward 18-year-old’s, to now in their late twenties and honestlyjust trying to Adult without dying, the two of them had been there throughevery single disastrous relationship they’d ever had. She’d been therebefore, during and after the Danielle fiasco, and he’d been right at her sideas she’d slashed the tyres of every ex who’d ever cheated on her (tugging onher arm and practically begging that they leave before they get caught, but he’dstill never let her do it alone). There was little that they hadn’t donetogether, or that they wouldn’t do for each other, to be honest. She rubbed hisshin where it lay over her said,

“It’s gonna be ok.”

“IS IT?” Cassian pressed his fingers hard over his eyes. “I appreciatethe support but Jyn, she’s engaged. Three years apparently wasn’t even enough time to want to marry me,but four months and she’s more than happy to say yes to some other bastard? Whothe hell even IS that guy?”

“Cassian, we’ve established that Danielle is a flighty bitch who can’tdecide what she wants and you’re better off without her,” Jyn sighed. “Do Ireally have to beat it into your head again?”

“Probably.”

She leaned over and whacked him affectionately. Thing was, the nightDanielle had called off the wedding was still a very vivid memory, even allthese months later. Literally two weeks before the day, and he had turned upoutside her door out of the blue at one am. He had only been living in his newapartment with his fiancée for three weeks at that point and her first reactionhad been to think welp, SOMEONE’Sdead. Instead, he’d looked at her with an expression that she couldn’t readand had told her simply,

“Danielle left me.”

“… fuck,” she’d said in reply.

And she really hadn’t known what else to say, because what the hell elseCOULD you say? Cassian had been so dedicated, so ready to be married, so deeplyin love that the idea that Danielle had just casually told him one night, “Hey,so I don’t really think I’m ready for marriage, sorry this didn’t work out,”seemed unfathomable.

Jyn had held out her arms and Cassian had immediately walked into them.

“Can I move back in with you?” he had sobbed into her neck.

“Of course,” she’d said back.

“ANYWAY,” she said now. “I might make more jokes and hit you some more,but I’m honestly sorry, Cassian. This sucks.”

“Yeah,” he muttered through his hands.

“You can cry, I won’t judge,” she smirked.

“Fuck you,” Cassian was already attempting to smoother the tears that wereleaking through and she damn well knew it. “Honestly, this is just mostlyembarrassing. Everyone knows that we were engaged only four months ago, and sheapparently wasn’t ready for marriage then but she’s suddenly ready NOW? WHY,JYN? FUCKING WHY.”  

“Hey, only a handful of people know that’s why she left,” Jyn pointedout. “If anything, everyone will be judging her for getting engaged again soquickly! That help at all?”

“A little. But I haven’t even told you the worst part yet.”

“Christ on a bike, there’s a worse part?”

“Brace yourself,” Cassian took a moment to apparently pull up somethingon his phone. In the next, he was handing her the device apparently showing atext conversation between himself and someone with the name ‘DO NOTENGAGE’. 

Hey, Cassian idk if you’ve seen, butI’m getting married!! I’dlove for you to be there, of course it’s a little whirlwind hahaso we haven’t had time to send out official invites but it’s onsat 5th Aug in southlake tahoe. PLS come, I’d love to see youagain!!!! Xxxalso feel totally free to bring a plus 1 ;)  

Jyn was honestly kind of in awe.

“Say the word,” she declared, staring at the offending message. “I swearto god, just say the word and I will fucking END her.”

“I’m not quite at that point, but I’ll let you know if I change mymind.”

“You’re not going. I cannot BELIEVE she had the guts to inviteyou!”

“About that…” Cassian cringed.

Oh, motherfucking shitballs.

“You already said you’d go, didn’t you?”

“Well, if I don’t go I look petty and clearly not over her!” Cassianhastily defended himself, snatching his phone back off her before she couldread his no doubt ‘omg I’d love to!!’ messages (not to mention promptly hurlinga fist into his head as well). “So I said yes out of spite, only now I thinkI’ve backed myself into a corner. I can’t go, but I can’t not go either.” 

“Christ on a bike, Cassian." 

"I know." 

“Well, if you think you’re going alone, you got another thing coming,”Jyn pointed out, grabbing the wine. Blimey, even she needed it now. “You’reshowing this bitch one way or another that she doesn’t have a hold on youanymore.”

“I appreciate your furiousness on my behalf,” Cassian said. “but believeme when I say I am in absolutely no headspace right now to go out and find adate.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I get you,” Jyn said. “Good thing this isn’t just awedding anymore, this is a fucking war. You can’t just take anyone, you need to take someone that is going tomake a statement. Someone that people will talk about for MONTHS after. Youneed to take the one person in the entire world that would piss her off themost.”

“So… you?”

She started a little.

She hadn’t actually been thinking of herself, but now that he mentionedit, it was suddenly the perfect plan. Danielle had quite famously never exactlytrusted the over-half-a-decade of friendship between her and Cassian, despiteJyn having attempted to date several other people over the last three years andCassian being the most devoted boyfriend she thought she’d ever seen. Herand Danielle had always played nice of course and there had even beenmoments when Jyn had managed to bring herself to maybe kind of like her, butthere had always been an undertone to their every interaction that just made itclear that at the end of the day, Danielle Livesay hated Jyn Erso’s guts andprobably always would.

There was no one else Cassian could possibly take that would annoy hermore.

“Yes, me,” Jyn said. “I’m serious, you take me as your date and Daniellewill flip her fucking LID, it will be perfect!”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that–”

“Good thing you’re not asking then,” Jyn declared. “I’m insisting andit’s decided. You got yourself a fake girlfriend! For the record, I’ll cuddleyou and give you a few kisses if she’s looking in our direction, but no tonguestuff ok?”  

Cassian just shook his head, trying not to laugh.

“You’re the fucking best, Jyn.”

“Of course I am. Now drink more wine, this is gonna be a longnight.” 

Of course the wedding was in fucking Lake Tahoe.

Last minute AND destination, Danielle was basically guaranteeing thatthe only people who would come were either only interested in a weekend away orwere the only ones who had no plans. Cassian’s jaw had been clenched basicallyever since they had left their apartment Friday afternoon, but steadily gotworse the closer they got to stepping inside the hotel for the ceremony.

“What do I say to her, whatdo I say–” he hissed frantically under his breath as they approached the nodoubt bloody expensive hotel. She insisted that he chill the fuck out, onlythat resulted in him shutting up and staying deathly silent instead.

"God, you’re not making this easy, mate,” she pointed out.“I think I liked it better when you were talking, I could at least tell ifyou were still alive or not.”

He just let out a strangled squeak. 

“Hey,” she said,reaching out and gripping his hand tightly, their fingers interwoven together.She brought them to her chest, holding him there and making him look at her.“Cassian, I get that this hurts but don’t make it about that. You can hurttomorrow, make tonight about revenge. Hold onto that feeling instead. We’llmake out in front of her a little, and then go and get smashed at the bar.Deal?” 

He nodded faintly. 

They were purposefully a little late to the ceremony, just to furtherprove the point that they didn’t actually give a fuck. They were quicklyushered in amidst some irritated looks from Danielle’s family. Jyn did noticethat only one of Danielle’s three sisters had apparently bothered to show up,and yet it seemed that nearly everyone from her office had taken the trip justto take advantage of the open bar later. They took up an entire row, lookingbored and passing a hip flask subtly between them.

Danielle naturally looked fucking stunning in her dress, and Jyn wassuddenly very glad that Cassian had insisted on tradition and not seeing itbefore their own wedding because turns out she was literally wearingthe exact same dress. Out of all the things to piss her off, Jyn had honestlythought it would be something more extreme, but nope. Apparently, a dress didit! That fucking dress, the one that had to be altered three times,that Jyn had helped her pick out, had reassured over manycomplimentary glasses of champagne that she looked beautiful in and thatCassian would love it, only to just turn around and use it to marry someoneelse instead… fuck her. Her husband-to-be looked kind of in shock, honestly, like hedidn’t quite know what he was doing up there in front of all these people.

Really, she knew the feeling.

Luckily, their strategic lateness meant that they had missed half theceremony, so they didn’t have to sit through too much of the gushing ‘I loveyou’s. They only caught the tail end of it, Danielle tearing up as she spokeher vows.

“Oh my god, I’m going to ruin my make-up,” she said, gaining some politelaughs. “Oh, Derek. Honestly, I don’t even know how to finish this. I thought Iknew what love was before we met, but turns out I had no idea. I am so, solucky that I found you and get to spend the rest of my life with you. I loveyou.”

Jyn glanced over at Cassian briefly as the vows wrapped up.

She had never seen the man go white before, but he was white as a sheetnow.

“I’m so glad that’s over,” he ended up grumbling through champagne onlya little while later. Thankfully, the reception was in full swing and honestly,it was almost worth all the emotional pain this weekend was so far causing justfor the sheer elaborance of it all. The dinner had been fucking amazing, and the vinyl windows had all beenrolled up to expose the ballroom to the open air and natural lakeside view.Lanterns criss-crossed the ceiling and with a DJ pounding out cheesy pop dancesongs, it was easy to get lost in a sea of alcohol and forget the whole‘getting married four months after getting dumped’ thing.

“I’m still pissed that she hasn’t even come over to talk to you yet,”Jyn pointed out. “What kind of fucking host doesn’t even talk to all theirguests? It should be easy, there’s only about thirty of them who even botheredto come!”

“Honestly, I’m fine with it.”

“Honestly, I’m not,” Jyn said. “I wanna show that bitch a piece of mymind.”

“God stop talking, stoptalking, I think she’s watching us,” Cassian suddenly panicked, spluttering onhis drink as he hastily turned around. “You’re jinxing it!”

“She’s looking?”

“From the high table, I accidentally caught her eye!”

“Perfect,” Jyn reached out and wrapped her arms around Cassian’s waist.He didn’t raise an eyebrow, however, until she started running her hands up anddown his back, clearly something she didn’t usually do when hugging him andalso obviously in Danielle’s line of sight.

“Jyn…” he sighed.

“Come on! Is this not why you brought me?”

“I’m starting to re-think the idea, to be honest, she’s going to knowit’s not real, that I’m just a hopeless loser who brought his roommate as adate to his ex’s wedding–”

“Shut up, that’s just her getting into your head,” Jyn insisted. “Workwith me, here.”

Cassian sighed… before leaning forward and pressing his nose into herneck. “That’s it,” she grinned. It wasn’t quite the statement she was goingfor, but it would work for now at least. From this angle, it would look like hewas kissing her exposed neck and shoulder, and she purposefully turned ever soslightly so that her face could be seen from the high table.

Sure enough.

“Oh my god, she’s coming over.”

“Shit–” Cassian nearlyspilled champagne down her back.

“Don’t stop kissing me!”

“I’m not kissing you, remember–”

“Well, maybe you should be, because we got about twenty seconds beforeshe’s here–”

He cut her off with a sudden kiss that was just on the side ofdesperate, but she didn’t care. Honestly, she’d had worse kisses before andwith worse people. She didn’t even have long to make a spectacle of it sincebarely a second later Danielle was upon them, calling out and forcing themapart.

“Cassian! Jyn! Shit, guys, thank you so much for coming!”

“Oh, Dani,” Jyn said, cheerfully. “It’s no problem.”

“The journey wasn’t too bad?”

“Nah, we road tripped it,” Jyn carried on talking, seeing as it seemedthat Cassian had been deemed temporarily speechless. As well as she knew herbest friend… really, she didn’t know at all what he was currently thinking.Hell, she wasn’t even sure if he was even out of love with Danielle yet. Like,properly and everything. He was clearly not over her, as anyone rightfullywould be, but the man had been in love with her for three goddamn years. Thatwasn’t something you could just turn off overnight.

(Jyn knew. She had tried once.) 

So she kept an arm slung around Cassian’s waist and chatted away aboutmostly meaningless things for a while until he could get his bearings (and histongue) back. Eventually, he managed to cut in over the conversation with arather strained and out of the blue,

“You – great! The ceremony was great!”

Danielle blinked a little, but otherwise carried on like normal. “Thanksso much,” she smiled daintily. “Hey, honestly it’s just good to see you guysagain! It’s been too long and apparently,” Jyn noticed her gaze harden just slightly around the edges. “I’vemissed a lot.”

“I s’pose there is a lot to catch up on,” Jyn noted. “Bodhi says hi, bythe way, and Kay says you can go something anatomically impossible.”

“Oh, Kay. He never gets old,” Danielle blatantly lied. “Not that I don’tLOVE your friends, but I was actually talking about you two! Like holy fuck,when did it become a thing? It’s so exciting!”

Her tone made it clear that it was not something to be excited about atall, but Jyn feigned the same enthusiasm anyway.

“Oh, it’s pretty recent,” she glanced at Cassian for help confirmingtheir made up story. They had spent their eight hour car journey here creatingit and honestly, it she had thought it worthy of an Oscar or two at one pointbefore they’d forced themselves to tone it down a bit.

“Hold up, hold up,” she had said somewhere around Yosemite NationalPark. “The key to a good lie is simplicity. The more dramatic, the more detailsyou have to remember, the less believable it becomes. You’re a decent bloke,but not even Danielle is going to buy that you surprised me with a weekend awayto Paris.”

“But I was going to photoshop us some photos and everything,” Cassianhad mock-complained.

“Maybe we save that story for when Danielle ultimately invites us to herthird baby shower,” Jyn rolled her eyes. “Let’s just go with the ‘we hooked upwhile watching a movie one night’ story.”

“But that one’s boring.”

“Are you kidding? It’s not boring at all,” she had insisted. “If anything,it’s the most romantic shit I’ve ever heard! I mean it’s two best friends andflatmates who have known each other for years taking a chance one night andhaving it pay off, like this is fucking romcom gold.”

“Ok, fine,” Cassian hadrelented.

She might have also thought of pitching the entire thing to Hollywood,but that wasn’t the point to be focusing on here. Danielle was still standingin front of her, impatiently waiting to hear some epic-worthy tale that couldpotentially rival her own and considering the expression that was currently onCassian’s face, Jyn knew that she was gonna have to be the one to tellit. She could practically see the man internally spiralling.

“So it just happened then, huh?” Danielle said through a strained smile.

“Yeah, one night we were watching a movie together,” Jyn quickly threwback. “Just something dumb, but it got us thinking and it was like… I don’tknow. A switch getting flicked somewhere. Next thing we knew, we were athing and we basically never looked back.”

She glanced up at Cassian. She was a little thrown to realise that hewas no longer staring at Danielle in utter distress, but now watching her. Shewasn’t ridiculous enough to insist that the story wasn’t a nice one to thinkabout – was there really anything more ideal than falling for someone youalready knew so well? Someone that you didn’t have to worry about annoying ormaking a good impression with, because they had already seen you at your 4amworst and didn’t care? – but imagining pretend scenarios wasn’t exactly goingto get you far in life. How bad would it be if she let herself indulge for aweekend? No matter how unhealthy it probably was, she wanted to pretend atleast for a little while that she had her life sorted.

(A part of her hoped that Cassian might be willing to pretend a bitlonger too).  

“You know, I knew it,” Danielle hastily cut in. “I don’t know how, but Ialways knew it was you two! OMG, you’re like a movie or something!”

“You know, we had that exact same conversation on our way here,” Jynsaid, pulling back to give Cassian a pointed look.

“Well then,” Danielle’s smile was definitely edging into painfulterritory now, but that was what Jyn was hoping for. “I guess I’ll, erm–”

Jyn didn’t let her answer. She reached up and threaded a hand intoCassian’s hair, ignoring Danielle completely as she hauled him into her body.Danielle’s words died off immediately as Jyn kissed him with edge, with armswrapping around his neck and with that kind of energy that suggested that theywere only minutes away from pushing each other up against the gifts table.Honestly, she forgot the wedding, the people and the ex-girlfriend for amoment. All she knew was the inside of Cassian’s mouth and the things itwas doing to her.

Danielle hovered awkwardly for the entire five minutes it took her tofinally realise that they weren’t surfacing anytime soon.

“Well, see you guys around then!” she eventually trilled.

“–oh fucking lord,” Cassian gasped, pulling away once she was out of theirline of sight. “Oh fucking LORD, we just did that. She just did that. Am Idead?”

“Not yet.”

“I thought you said no tongue?”

“I don’t bloody know, ok?” Jyn said exasperatedly. “By the time Irealised, I had already committed. Kill me all right?”

“Nah, nah, I mean,” Cassian coughed, avoiding her eye. “the tongue wasgood.”

Honestly, a part of her wanted to simply laugh back the tongue was good? but something shot through her at his words. Maybe it was theawkward way he said them, maybe it was the fact that she could still feel himagainst her mouth, but either way something choked her throat and settled inher chest. When she looked up at him she felt her face growing hot.

Blimey.

“Jesus Christ, this was an insane idea,” he added, hastily.

“Well, we can’t go back now,” Jyn said, shaking her head. “C’mon, mate.Let’s go dance.”

(An hour later, she was still ignoring whatever it was that was in herchest).

Neither of them claimed to be good dancers, but the open bar surehelped. “Honestly, the drunker we get the better,” Jyn had added at one point,seeing as every good wedding had to be ruined by at least someone who got toodrunk to function and eventually rounded off the night with throwing up into anewly gifted vase. Traditionally, the more she and Cassian drank, the more theyembarrassed themselves and the equation only got higher when you added the twoof them together.

It was the perfect combination, really.

“CAN YOU PLAY WEIRD AL’S AMISH PARADISE?” she had screamed at the DJ atone point. “THAT’S THE SONG WE FIRST HAD SEX TO!”

“IT WAS?” Cassian had yelled back.

“JUST GO WITH IT, BABE.”

And so the last hour had resulted in many, many dances to increasinglywedding-inappropriate songs that had the guests roaring with laughter andDanielle no doubt fuming at. Jyn’s memory admittedly got a little fuzzy aroundthe fifth (or maybe sixth?) champagne, but she certainly did remember wrappingherself around Cassian and sloppily making out on the dance floor to the sultrytunes of Big Sean’s ‘I don’t fuck withyou’.

Somewhere between the sixth and seventh drinks, they discovered thephoto booth in the foyer, complete with little basket of novelty props. A largecanvas was mounted on the wall next to it, currently half full with photostrips of varying wedding guests wearing miniature hats and sunglasses. ‘Please help us make our night memorable!’ a small note read above it and Cassian had gotten the idea thistime.

“I’m going to hell for this… but Jyn, would you please make out with mein the photo booth?”

“It’d be my fucking pleasure,” she had declared.

She was still laughing about it afterwards. Their photos they hadpurposefully posted right in the middle of the canvas, complete with thescrawled message of ‘thnx 4 inviting us!’. She had lost Cassian however during a trip to the bathroom, and shetried to not make it too obvious that she was staggering back into the hall,clinging onto the nearest table to stay upright. He wasn’t waiting where shehad left him, and couldn’t see him anywhere near the dance floor. For a moment,she panicked that he had somehow tracked Danielle down somewhere and was busybegging for her back, but no, Danielle was accounted for, currently making therounds and chatting to all of her guests. She caught her eye and Jyn mock wavedwith a grin, only to turn it into a curse when the woman apparently took it asher cue to come over.

“Fucking Jesus, Dani, I’m not drunk enough for this–” she whined.

Danielle stomped to a halt in front of her. The charade was gone. Allpleasantries left at the door. This was the bitch underneath the smiles and shewas apparently not humouring her anymore.

“What is your problem?” she snapped. “Why are you intent on ruining mywedding?”

“Hey, you fuckin’ invited me.”

“I invited Cassian,” she reiterated. “If I’d known he’d be bringing you, I wouldn’t havebothered.”

“Why did you bother, though?” Jyn tried very hard to keep track of theconversation. It was difficult when one could barely stand upright. “I mean,you broke his fucking heart, wasn’t that enough? Did you really have to stompall over it, too? Who the fuck even does that?”

“Oh, like you have literally ANY idea–”

“I see you didn’t answer the question–”

“I never meant to hurt him,” she suddenly bit out. “It wasn’t as if I wanted to cancel my own wedding twoweeks before! No one wants to fucking do that, but I was getting married forall the wrong reasons. Sure, it might’ve helped if I figured out howimmature and insecure I was being a bit earlier, but sorry that I’m a dumbass bitch whotook my sweet time, ok?” 

Jyn just stared at Danielle. It really wasn’t the story she had beenexpecting, but maybe it should have been. At the end of the day, Daniellewasn’t a bad person. She was certainly an annoying person, a self-centred andmanipulative person, but never bad. There was a woman in there that Cassian Andor had managed to fall inlove with after all, one that she had reluctantly called a friend. She wasstill in there.

That was good enough for her.

“Ok,” she said, simply.

Danielle nodded before taking the champagne glass out of Jyn’s hands anddraining it herself. “I am happy for you guys, by the way,” she insisted.

“You don’t have to–”

“Nah, it’s fine,” she gave a strained smile. “Honestly, maybe anotherreason I left breaking it off so late is because a part of me was secretlyhoping he would do it first.”

“Why in the hell would he have done that?”

“Because of you,” Danielle shrugged.

She found him outside.

Sat on the steps that led from the ballroom out onto the rolling lawnsof the hotel grounds, his back was only a silhouette but she knew it was him.She clung to the handrail until she could throw herself down beside him,nudging his shoulder lightly. “Hey,” she said. “you disappeared.”

He drew in a shaky, rattling breath, and it was only then she realisedthat he had been crying.

“Oh, fuck,” she said at once.

“I’m fine, Jyn.”

“No you’re not, you’re – oh,god –” She was ill-equipped to deal with emotions on her best of days! Whenshe was drunk, she may as well pat him on the head and say ‘there, there’ forall the good she could do. But still, this was Cassian so she had to try. Shewrapped both her arms around his, hugging it to her body and resting her headagainst his shoulder. Cassian sniffed loudly, rubbing a sleeve across his face,but thankfully not shoving her off. She stayed quiet until eventually, hecalmed down.

“This was supposed to be mine.”

She stayed staring off into the grounds, squeezing his arm tighter.

“All of this, Jyn. The wife, the wedding, the lifetime spent togetherforever, this was supposed to be mine. Where the hell did it all go wrong?”

“It’s not your fault,” Jyn murmured.

“Isn’t it? How did I not realise?” he said. “Honestly, there must havebeen warning signs, things that I ignored or something, because no one just dumps you twoweeks before your wedding out of the blue like that.”

 “I just spoke to her,” Jyn mentioned. “Well, I say I spoke to her,it was more like she cornered me… but she said some things. Do you want me totell you?”

He shifted a little and she knew he was glancing down at her. “Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Jyn, I need to know why she did this.”

She took a deep breath. “She said she realised she was getting marriedfor the wrong reasons. She did love you, but she mentioned the words immatureand insecure, so I’m guessing she only said yes to getting married because itwas the way to hold onto you… maybe she didn’t quite grasp the finality of itall until it hit her…”

Cassian sighed.

“She also mentioned me.”

FUCK.

She hadn’t meant to say that part. Hell, she still didn’t really knowhow to process that particular statement herself, that part was supposed to beburied and ignored for the rest of their given lives! Christ in heaven, youcouldn’t even give drunk her one job! She had no idea what to say to try anddefuse the situation (or even if anything COULD be said) and so she ended upstaying silent, her grip on his arm loosening a little.

When she tried to pull away, he grabbed her hand in the dark and pulledher back, holding it tight.

“Ah, well,” he was apparently going to laugh it off. “We always knew shedidn’t like you.”

“Dunno why,” Jyn said. “I’m a splendid bitch.”

“Look, please don’t think I blame you–”

“Nah, nah, shut up,” Jyn quickly waved past it. “Either way, are you oknow?”

“I’m far from ok,” Cassian mentioned. “but at least I think I’ll be ableto get over it. Someday.” 

“Good. Now let’s go bail early to piss her off one last time.”

“Sounds perfect.” Cassian was the first to move, heaving himself up onthe handrail before turning back to her and offering out a hand. Jyn stillwasn’t quite sure what exactly had gone down between them thisevening. More than a nothing, but less than a something… it waslike the idea of the two of them had simply been dangled teasingly infront of her nose and for the first time in her life, she was actually thinkingabout what it would be like to grab it. Jyn felt that undercurrent thatDanielle had always been so afraid of, the one that was currently thrummingbetween them, and the thoughts simultaneously terrified her and thrilled her…

(But they’d be fine. Tomorrow was a new day, and they would wakeup and this would all be fine). 

She took his hand.

“Thanks for doing this with me, by the way,” Cassian mentioned in thecar on the way home. 

“What, ruining your ex’s wedding for you?”

“Yeah, that,” he snorted. “We never mention the amount of kissing we’vedone to either Bodhi or Kay, by the way.”

“Oh, you can count on it,” Jyn said.

[davishhhh]

About Facebook and looking for a job and friends and Katherines

It is quite funny how people passed through your life without you knowing it. 

I was cleaning my Facebook wall, you know, because I’m looking for a job and I don’t want any embarrassing or stupid post ruins the chance for me. I have heard a lot of stories about that, yeah. I don’t even know why I reactivated my Facebook ?? Should have keep it deactivate and avoid all these mess. So, I was just scrolling and deleting weird posts on my wall, and reading them made me realize, I knew these people and they knew about me. A lot of people reply to the hashtag challenge which was trended on Facebook few years ago (You like their post, and they will put #theirimpressionsaboutyou on your wall). At one point during my highschool years, I was so active on social media. All the birthdays were wished, all the Christmas and New Year and Lunar New Year and Valentine and University Exam, I tagged my ‘friends’ and, well, said something nice. Reading all these posts really separates the me now and the me 5 6 years ago. My last Facebook post was almost 2 years ago. My friend list went from full (around 5000 friends) to 119. My FB probably was deactivated for a good 1.5 years up until recently, when I decided I want to know what is going on with some real friends. But really, it probably just because I want to have an excuse to not do something else. I always laugh at the memes about how people open social media apps, close it, and then open it again right after, circling through like 5 apps. I thought, what a pathetic life, unproductive and meaningless. Here I am, circling through Facebook, Instagram, Reddit endlessly, even though I just closed them 2 seconds ago. 

You always hope for something new and interesting to happen, to be reported, to be shared. It keeps your mind busy for a while. But then you never really think about that ‘friend’ who commented on your post last week, and you will not notice that is the last time you guys ‘interact’. Few years passed, you sit there and cleaning posts, and it just struck you with the “Oh yeah, that guy, I wonder what’s going on with him now”. And you move on, and to remember about him after few more years, if you didn’t delete that post. Or else then, farewell. 

I begin to think the saying Out of sight Out of mind is true. They need to hold a very special place in your mind in order to be relevant in your life, without meeting them for like, 2 weeks? Friends like Kate or Kathy (funny how both of my best friends chose the Katherine name - which means ‘pure’ in Greek I think, and none of them are pure at all. But that’s for another jar) are so so rare for me. You can talk to them for hours and hours, then disappear for 1 month and then pick up the conversation right where it was left. And mostly through Messenger. I have known both of them for about over 5 years. I met Kathy twice during our first 4 years knowing each other. With Kate was a bit better but after we finished college, not much hanging out anymore. The point is, they stay in my mind because they are somewhat special for me right? And to argue that one has to be physically next to you to develop that kind of relationship is bullshit because me and Kathy exist. So how does 2 minds come connect to each other and attach for that long, while you will probably forget about that classmate you study together for 4 years, right after graduation. 

I know it should be really easy to understand. I just cannot. Reminder to read a book about how people become friends, or best friend to be exact. I tried to search but everything they say is ohhhh you have similarities or you are just too different so you guys attract each other like magnets yada yada yada. Give me a break, if Kate is a pen, Kathy is a leaf, then I will be a table. Yeah because there is nothing similar, nor opposite about us. Maybe somehow we understand each other?

What am I trying to say anyway? You forget things too easy, and people are just one of those thing. It is weird to think that, this might be the last interaction between you and someone. Of course, it’s not that important to the people we barely know, it just weird me out. 

[peachsorbet]

Day 10

I almost forgot how many days it’s been since we ended things. Right now as I’m typing here while taking a short hiatus from work, I am still tearing up and blowing my nose on the tissue like a loser. 

A message from Red Cross came today as a reminder for blood donation, and you were the first thing that came into my mind. Because we went for our first blood donation together in Jan. And joked about how that should have been our first date, And how our next donation sesh would be in March... 14 March to be exact. Why do I remember so much specifics from that day? And other times we were together, I remember small comments you give, random statements you mentioned, and I hold on to them throughout, even now. 

It's true you know, when someone remembers the smallest details about you, they really care. 

And I think to myself, would I be a nuisance if I contacted you? You ended things, why am I bothering you? What would I even say? The day we ended things, I had the urge to go to your house - but I would probably be a stalker and unwelcome visitor. 

And I still do think of the hurtful words you threw my way, and I had to ask around me to get honest feedback if I’m really that kind of person you labelled me as. You must really have an ugly impression of me to label me a GTB. You couldn’t reconcile that I wasn't able to send you screenshots of my texts with guy friends, screenshots that mentioned you as my bf and shared about us. In actuality, I struggled to send you because while you were all I talk about, I sought my friend’s advice for our rs problems and arguments because I wanted a guy’s POV, I have no one else around me to be an objective listener. And that was the majority of our conversations. How could I tell you that? If you were able to attend that friends’ gathering I organised for us, would you have understood better? 

But all these unspoken words, I can only say them here. I had my faults, you had yours. I had my insecurities with opening up our relationship on social media “so fast”, you had your insecurities I didn't love you and wasn’t proud of us. The 2 weeks of turmoil for us, I was spiralling so badly, trying to juggle work, family, and us. You probably thought you were a burden. But you were the opposite, as much as I struggled to reconcile our feelings and intentions, I was hopeful. And I would willingly give up my work any time of the day, if that would mean I would be happier and more present for my family and for us. Because work would never be MY priority, but my mum and you. 

Everytime I scroll through FB or Insta you’re the first person I want to share posts to. When I hear a relatable song I want to send it to you. I know we weren’t perfect and had many ups and downs fast in our relationship, but they were never warning signs or stop signs for me. They still weren't, but merely signs to say slow down and be communicative and more expressive, and grow. And of course I wouldn't want you to be still stuck in that cave you told me you’re retreating to. I just wished you knew, that I would always be there for you. The way we ended things on text, I has so many things to say but I knew at that point nothing I could say would change your stance. And you didn’t even reply me. I dont even know for what Im blabbering here. 

Now its been 10 days, are you healing? Or are you as miserable as I am. Can I reach out to you, even if its just a How are You? Will that make you retract more? Or worse, delete our entire tele conversation? (which btw you dont have the right to decide to delete my copy of the convo). You dont know how afraid I am that one day I will open it to see you’ve deleted the chat for us. How I will open instagram and see you’ve removed me from your list. 

As usual I couldnt sleep yesterday night without taking any pills. I was so angry with myself that I kept thinking of you when that changes nothing and when I should have been sleeping instead. And while I’m having insomnia, you are in your bed, dozing off without any interruptions or any care about me. 

I shall stop ranting here, this wouldn’t be my final post anyway. Will it?

Update:

Logged in KR and saw you’ve removed me as a friend. It’s that bad? I wasn’t very active anyway, was it needed? You really can’t stand any mention of me I guess. You really want me out of your life. And here I am crying just because I miss you so much I typed a text to you and deleted it. I’m such a loser but that’s me. If you reach out to me again I’ll respond in a heartbeat. If you say you want to try again I’ll take any chance for that. I no longer have any pride or dignity left. But you don’t want me like how I want you.

[dailynewswebsite]

The Matrix is already here: Social media promised to connect us, but left us isolated, scared and tribal

It's time, says the writer, to take the crimson tablet. Diy13 through Getty Pictures

A few 12 months in the past I started to comply with my curiosity in well being and health on Instagram. Quickly I started to see an increasing number of fitness-related accounts, teams, posts and advertisements. I saved clicking and following, and finally my Instagram turned all about match folks, health and motivational materials, and ads. Does this sound acquainted?

Whereas the algorithms and my mind saved me scrolling on the limitless feeds, I used to be reminded of what digital entrepreneurs prefer to say: “Cash is within the listing.” That’s, the extra personalized your group, folks and web page follows, the much less money and time is required to promote you associated concepts. As a substitute, model ambassadors will do the work, spreading merchandise, concepts and ideologies with ardour and freed from cost.

I’m a psychiatrist who research nervousness and stress, and I usually write about how our politics and tradition are mired in worry and tribalism. My co-author is a digital advertising knowledgeable who brings experience to the technological-psychological facet of this dialogue. With the nation on edge, we imagine it’s essential to take a look at how simply our society is being manipulated into tribalism within the age of social media. Even after the exhausting election cycle is over, the division persists, if not widening, and conspiracy theories proceed to emerge, develop and divide on the social media. Primarily based on our information of stress, worry and social media, we give you some methods to climate the following few days, and shield your self in opposition to the present divisive setting.

It wasn’t good, however previous media – like TV, newspapers and books – usually uncovered us to all kinds of beliefs. H. Armstrong Roberts through Getty Pictures

The promise, the Matrix

These of us sufficiently old to know what life was like earlier than social media might bear in mind how thrilling Fb was at its inception. Think about, the power to attach with previous mates we had not seen for many years! Then, Fb was a digital dynamic dialog. This good concept, to hook up with others with shared experiences and pursuits, was strengthened with the arrival of Twitter, Instagram and apps.

Issues didn’t stay that straightforward. These platforms have morphed into Frankenstein’s monsters, full of so-called mates we’ve by no means met, slanted information tales, superstar gossip, self-aggrandizement and advertisements.

The synthetic intelligence behind these platforms determines what you see primarily based in your social media and net exercise, together with your engagement with pages and advertisements. For instance, on Twitter it’s possible you’ll comply with the politicians you want. Twitter algorithms rapidly reply and present you extra posts and other people associated to that political leaning. The extra you want, comply with and share, the sooner you end up transferring in that political route. There’s, nevertheless, this nuance: These algorithms monitoring you’re usually triggered by your unfavourable feelings, sometimes impulsivity or anger.

Consequently, the algorithms amplify the unfavourable after which unfold it by sharing it amongst teams. This may play a task within the widespread anger amongst these engaged in politics, no matter their facet of the aisle.

Social media are a serious supply of stress. Dean Mitchell through Getty Pictures

The digital tribe

Finally, the algorithms expose us principally to the ideology of 1 “digital tribe” – the identical means my Instagram world turned solely superfit and lively folks. That is how one’s Matrix can turn out to be the extremes of conservatism, liberalism, totally different religions, local weather change worriers or deniers or different ideologies. Members of every tribe maintain consuming and feeding each other the identical ideology whereas policing each other in opposition to opening as much as “the others.”

We’re inherently tribal creatures anyway; however notably once we’re scared, we regress additional into tribalism and have a tendency to belief the knowledge relayed to us by our tribe and never by others. Usually, that’s an evolutionary benefit. Belief results in group cohesion, and it helps us survive.

However now, that very same tribalism – together with peer strain, unfavourable feelings and quick tempers – usually result in ostracizing those that disagree with you. In a single examine, 61% of People reported having unfriended, unfollowed or blocked somebody on social media due to their political opinions or posts.

Greater ranges of social media use and publicity to sensationalized information in regards to the pandemic is linked with elevated despair and stress. And extra time spent on social media correlates with increased nervousness, which may create a unfavourable loop. One instance: The Pew Analysis Middle stories 90% of Republicans who get their political information solely from conservative platforms stated the U.S. has managed the COVID-19 outbreak as a lot as doable. But lower than half of Republicans who depend on no less than one different main information supplier thought so.

The Matrix does the considering

Human considering itself has been remodeled. It’s now tougher for us to understand the “large image.” A ebook is a protracted learn as of late, an excessive amount of for some folks. Scrolling and swiping tradition has diminished our consideration span (on common folks spend 1.7 to 2.5 seconds on a Fb information feed merchandise). It has additionally deactivated our essential considering abilities. Even actually large information doesn’t final on our feed longer than a number of hours; in spite of everything, the following blockbuster story is simply forward. The Matrix does the considering; we eat the ideology and are bolstered by the likes from our tribemates.

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Earlier than all this, our social publicity was principally to household, mates, relations, neighbors, classmates, TV, motion pictures, radio, newspapers, magazines and books. And that was sufficient. In that, there was range and a comparatively wholesome info food plan with all kinds of vitamins. We at all times knew individuals who weren’t like minded, however getting together with them was regular life, a part of the deal. Now these totally different voices have turn out to be extra distant – “the others” we like to hate on social media.

Is there a crimson tablet?

We have to take again the management. Listed here are seven issues we will do to unplug ourselves out of the Matrix:

Evaluate and replace your advert preferences on social media no less than as soon as per 12 months.

Confuse the AI by flagging all advertisements and strategies as “irrelevant.”

Observe being extra inclusive. Test different web sites, learn their information and don’t “unfriend” individuals who assume in a different way from you.

Flip off cable information and browse as an alternative. Or no less than put a disciplined restrict on hours of publicity.

Take a look at much less biased sources of stories reminiscent of NPR, BBC and The Dialog.

If you happen to assume the whole lot your tribe leaders say is absolute fact, assume once more.

Go offline and exit (simply put on your masks). Observe smartphone-free hours.

Lastly, keep in mind that your neighbor who helps the opposite soccer staff or the opposite political occasion will not be your enemy; you’ll be able to nonetheless go for a motorbike experience collectively! I did immediately, and we didn’t even have to speak politics.

It’s time to take the crimson tablet. Take these seven steps, and also you received’t give in to the Matrix.

This piece was co-authored with Maryna Arakcheieva, who’s knowledgeable in digital options and advertising.

Arash Javanbakht doesn’t work for, seek the advice of, personal shares in or obtain funding from any firm or group that may profit from this text, and has disclosed no related affiliations past their educational appointment.

from Growth News https://growthnews.in/the-matrix-is-already-here-social-media-promised-to-connect-us-but-left-us-isolated-scared-and-tribal/ via https://growthnews.in

[havensconsumptionblog]

Day 20 - 9/23/19

Today, I woke up and was super tired. I scrolled through IG and FB for 15 minutes before getting up and drinking some unsweetened Almond Breeze almond milk and eating a premade hard boiled egg from Trader Joe’s. I’m not vegan or vegetarian, but at some point in college the idea of milk just started to kind of weird me out. I’ll still drink it sometimes, I’ve just stopped personally buying it, and I have a weird thing for trying new kinds of plant-based milks. I’m conflicted about almond milk now too since I learned how destructive almond farming is and how bad it is for bees, but when I saw it at Aldi’s, I decided to get some on a whim anyway. I grabbed an Aldi’s brand peanut butter chocolate chip granola bar on my way out the door because I figured almond milk and one egg for breakfast wouldn’t be enough, and I took the bus to class. I did the usual, took notes and nearly fell asleep, and went to Coffman afterwards for lunch. I walked in and saw that the Jamba Juice was still closed (even though I read online that it was supposed to open today!), so I begrudgingly went downstairs to find “real food”.

I’m getting really tired of the selection in Coffman Union. This is my fourth year here now, and you can only eat the same 5 or so things for so long before getting tired of them. There was nothing that was really calling to me, so I just went for Panda Express, the old standby. I was really hungry, and figured it would fill me up. While waiting in the line, I noticed that there’s now a new BBQ or something place there I had never noticed? I heavily considered getting out of line to get a cheeseburger instead, but I had already waited in the line for a few minutes, so I decided to just go with it. The last time I got fried rice at this Panda Express it was really disappointing compared to how it used to be, so I decided on a bowl with chow mein. Again, nothing was calling my name, so I just went for the normal orange chicken. I briefly considered sweetfire chicken, but my teeth kind of stung from the sweetness of the granola bar this morning, so I opted for the less sugary option (which is probably not any less sugary, but it seems like it). I was again disappointed by the serving portions, but I bought it for the $6.60 it is anyway. I grabbed a lid, a fork, and two napkins, and went to sit down.

I charged my phone, and decided to eat a lot since I was pretty hungry. I finished most of it, and put the rest of it in my backpack for later. I went upstairs to go sit outside, and saw that Jamba Juice had opened! I basically lived off Jamba Juice last year, so this was momentous for me. I wasn’t hungry, but I just really wanted Jamba Juice, so I got my favorite comfort smoothie anyway: a small peanut butter mood smoothie for $5.29. I used to get it both as a reward for myself and when I’d had a bad day, and I randomly decided to be nice to myself. I went out and sat in the grass doing my homework and juuling, and realized I was way too full for this smoothie. I realized I didn’t have to rush to drink it, so I brought it to my next class and finished it while taking notes and falling asleep in a guest lecture.

Then I took the bus home, and laid around watching YouTube videos and scrolling through Facebook. My friend said he was getting Panda Express and that we were matching, which reminded me I had leftovers. I ate the rest of my Panda Express, and then ate the rest of the salad from yesterday that was in the fridge. I watched more YouTube videos, and then realized I might be sick - that might explain why I was sniffling all day. I took a chewy Zicam to hopefully quell the symptoms, and then tried to start on my homework. My head was super fuzzy, so I gave up and decided to take an Advil. I haven’t taken any pain killers in a long time so I hesitated for some reason, but did it anyway. Then, I got snacky. Tyler and I ate the rest of the smoked salmon, and I had an artichoke heart. 

[md3artjournal]

I failed to get into Anime Expo artist alley this week, for the 1st time after 7 years. I don't know what to do, not preparing for it all year. It feels like this is the end of my artist alley days. Financials had me think about quitting recently & the universe reinforcing that, in a way, is sad and makes me feel lost. Not to mention reminding me that i was never good enough to compete in the first place. I know I can keep art as a hobby, but there were lots if fancrafts & products I still wanted to make for people in the fandoms. 

And I've never been good multitasking, so I doubt I could have a day job and artist alley simultaneously.  Or else I would have done artist alley before leaving my previous office job, and I would have double majored or also gotten a minor.

===================================================================

The following are a semi-edited mess of my journal entries from 8/21/2019 after tables sold-out, noted here for my own records:  

8/21/2019 Failed to get artist alley table for AX2020.  Maybe the seconds wasted scrolling down to "Order" button cost me.  Maybe if I had shrunk my browser viewing options, so that entire page's essential parts could be visible on one screen without paging-down, then maybe I could have been faster.  ;_;   I didn't feel sad.  then felt crying start.   Comisserated with others who also failed, in AX Artist Alley 2019 Facebook Group.   Asked FB group admin for when public table sales happen.  Akiko said to it would be in coming months and to sign up for general mailing list.   I signed up for mailing list, through her link, even though I might already be signed up. Later I started browsing Twitter for "AX artist alley" and was making myself sad seeing everyone who got in and didn't.  So I stopped that short.

1:20 PM 8/21/2019 Just now, I suddenly felt the tears well up.  I wasn't like this a few minutes ago.  I was taking it well.  I had accepted the fact that if there was any year I couldn't get into Anime Expo artist alley, then it would be this one.  Because I feel now more than ever that I don't have the right to be there.  My art skills are terrible.  I thought those things while refreshing/reloading the page.  But i encouraged myself by saying that I NEED to get into AX artist alley because it's my only real income.  Even if I'm not as good, there are still lots of things I wanted to sell and offer to people, and people DO like my stuff!  So my skills may not warrant me being there, but I NEEDED to be there!  ...Now all that's left is to give a final farewell to the facebook group. But then I was reminded that maybe they'll have public table sales.  I was genuinely helped by that reminder and I said, "Oh, yeah!  There are public table sales.  ...But those might be harder to get into."  But it's still something.  I can try.  

1:28 PM 8/21/2019 After 7 years of AX artist alley, I don't know what to do, not preparing for it every year.  Well, if I don't make it into any public table sales, it's been nice working with everyone. You were always an encouraging bunch, especially around table sales times.  Thank you. ;o;

1:41 PM 8/21/2019 First time in 7 years I haven't been able to get into Anime Expo artist alley. It's sold out now. I don't know what to do, not preparing for it all year.  There might be public table sales later, but that'll probably be harder to get into.  I told myself if I didn't get in, I'd focus on an online shop, but honestly, if I didn't have the guts for that in 8 years, then why could I expect myself to do it now?  ;_______;  

2:09 PM 8/21/2019 Now that I think about it, I eventually got bored with Anime Expo.  I go for the nostalgia, my unbroken attendance record, and the great shopping at official booths and their exclusives, along with so many stores from disperate places all in one spot.  But I remember now, before I did artist alley, I was using cosplay as a way to liven things up, after all the panels got too full to get into and all the special events turned into separate-priced tickets.  Yeah...I was obsessed with videography and covering the cosplay gatherings.  I remember that now.  If I don't get into the artist alley table sales, maybe I'll focus on cosplay again.  ...Maybe not as obsessed as before, but there's lots of stuff to do!  Dont' be sad!  

2:54 PM 8/21/2019 I couldn't get into AX2020 artist alley today. Going to try public table sales later. If I don't get in & anyone wants my #fancrafts, I'm going to look into an online shop this year. There are still lots of things I want to make for you guys. #joker #kirby #figurines

3:33 PM 8/21/2019 Ok.  Time to get up and take care of myself.   I've been stalking the AX AA 2019 FB for like 3+ hours now, commiserating with other people who couldn't get in.  I've soothed myself with cat videos, PostmodernJukebox music, and browsing on TWitter.  Time to eat, shower, and empty ye old bladder.  

8:53 PM 8/21/2019 Finally closed all my AX tabs from today.  Both the artist alley table sales "sold out" tab and Facebook group of othe rpeople who failed to get in and are consoling each other.  Both the sting and the soothing commiseration.  Time to put it all behind me for today.   I have other things to do.   And anyway, I already foudn out info about public table sales, signed up for the mailing list to make sure I hear about it, read the return policy for regular attendee badges, and found out the 12/2/2019 due date for the current $85 4-day attendee badge. It's done.  I should move on.   And there are things I'm free to do, if I don't do AX2020 artist alley.  If I don't get the AX2020 public table sales either, I can look for a job, focus on an online shop, maybe figure out what I want to do more than art/crafting.  Because I obviously don't race to do it in my every waking/spare moment.  Do I really love it?  Maybe I love something else? And should be doing something else with my life?  But I don't know what it is.  ~__________~!   It's weird.  I've been doing this thing lately, for a long while now, months or years, where I'm numb in situations that I know would usually make me (deeply) depressed.  But I don't feel the overwhelming sadness, the dehabilitating pain.  Instead, I go through the motions of self-destructiveness, time-wasting, and just listeless lack of focus on anything, as if I was depressed, but I don't feel the crushing, all-consuming pain.  Am I actually depressed and in denial?  Same thing for losing the AX2020 artist alley table today.  

2:58 AM 8/22/2019 I was thinking earlier of opening commisions for pet sketches.   "I'm opening commissions.  Got a fuzzy fluffy pet?  $5 sketches.  Come and get 'em."   I kept thinking over and over today how I can't get good at illustration or drawing humans because studying my Weaknesses, especially human anatomy, make me so frustrated that I lash out at people around me in real life.  o_O  So maybe I should jsut stick to what feels good to draw for me.  

[wordxbeyondwords]

#57.

Dear Reivax,

Some days, you get good news. On other days, you get not so good ones. Today, was one of those “other days”. When I scrolled through my FB feed earlier this afternoon, I saw posts from my interns and students saying R.I.P. to their friend- their friend who happened to be my student just last sem. Una akala ko joke (uso kasi yung mga memes na ganon ngayon huhuhu sorry na). Nung inask ko si sir yutel, I was really hoping it was a joke...but then legit nga daw. God took her back to heaven. Right when sir Yutel answered, my heart sank. Alam mo ba, She was about to enter her last sem before internship.. kaso ayun, she was suffering Lupus pala. And then today, she had kidney failure. The first thing that popped into my head was paano na friends niya? Particularly yung intern ko sa sunrise na magfafaci ng dance tomorrow morning. Mahirap makabangon sa ganon- mahirap mag grieve...losing people is also my greatest fear. (kaya ganto rin yung worry ko for you paps. Hehehe) Kaya feeling ko sobra ako nagempathize sa intern na yun. Inask ko si sir if okay lang ba na magchange faci kami bukas kasi nga baka mabigatan siya, baka di niya makaya. Pero sabi ni sir, magtiwala daw kami na kakayanin niya... so we kept this as they were.

I believe in helping people go out of there comfort zone, in making them more than what they thought they could be. Normally, I dont allow change faci para machallenge sila and malabanan nila fears nila. Pero this time its different... iba kasi yung grief eh. Pwede mong sabihin try again if kunwari nagfail siya or may hindi siya natapos gawin. Pwede mong ipush yung mga tao na magmove on pag heartbroken sila. Pero when you lose an important person for good...what happens next? Paano ka magttry again? Paano ka magmomove on? Ambigat paps. :(

Minessage ko nga siya na, alam ko mahirap pinagdadaanan niya and I hope and pray na makahanap siya ng strength to cont;nue tas ang sinagot niya sakin is “Ma’am nawalan na naman ako. Pero ma’am itutuloy ko po” That is strength. I’m proud of her for that. Pero sabi ko if she wants to take the afternoon off, she should kasi her well being is also important. Nakiusap nalang ako kay sir y na imove case pre nila to monday next week para makapag grieve siya. Haaay paps. Tama naman diba? Di ko naman binaby feelings niya? If I were in her shoes, I’d need the break too- I need TO break too. Para lang mailabas ko. Mahirap magkimkim eh. Bumibigat lalo. Kaya sana itong intern na to, magamit yung dance faci niya bukas para magsublimate ng sadness for her friend that went to heaven early.

Paps, you know...inaabangan ko yung student ko na yun sa sunrise. She was struggling but she was trying & she really wanted to learn. That’s why I just wish na if ever di man niya nalive yung dream niya, she lived a life she dreamed off & sana she was happy. Sana in her next life, makuha na niya dream niya.

Feeling ko paps, nung nakita ko yung post- naalala na naman kita hahahahuhuhu ayaw ko na mangyari yun eh. Yung mawala ka bigla. Di ba nga nung iniyakan kita nun, sabi ko di ko kaya...& its true paps. Di ko talaga kaya. Because I know you deserve better, I know you can do it. And I want you to be happy- genuinely happy and unconditionally loved. That’s why I keep praying na you give life a chance and that you’ll have the strength to cont;nue and find purpose every single day. Sabi ko naman sayo paps, VIP ka eh. You will never be a burden and I will never stop giving up and walking with you through good and tough times (again with your consent haha). Hmmm. Di ko rin alam kung bakit ka VIP exactly. Feeling ko, dumating ka lang kasi sa point na when you’ve been friends and gone through a lot of things together- family na talaga tingin niyo sa isa’t isa eh. I stand by what I said to you before paps- you are my family too. And I would never want anything bad to happen to you. & I’ll keep praying for that. Kaya everyday/every time I can, I will say thank you kay Lord for giving me a fam like you. And I thank you too for being in my life. :)

Paps, you taught me how to value life and give life value. Today I was reminded of how valuable life is and how short it can be. So no matter how long or short our lives are, may it contain a lot of happy moments- may it always have value (may you always find value in it). :)

Hmm. May naisip ako just now HAHAHHA Gawa kaya tayo project paps? Hahaha everything na we find valuable or anything na nakita nating need or want for the day, isulat natin somewhere? Hmmm. Parang magandang ax. HAHAHHA G ba?

I hope youre safe and well paps. Ingat ka lagi! Good luck din sa make up mo!

-z.

07/17/2019

[jassiemine]

To me, music is very personal and important. I don't tell people to listen to my kind of music cause it's not for everyone and I understand that. If I somehow muster the courage to say "hey maybe you should check out this song cause I think you would like it or it reminded me of you" and you're like "yeah play it" and you talk/scroll through fb I'll prolly never talk to you about music again fr. like you don't have to examine the lyrics or sit in complete and utter silence but when you act like you couldn't give a single fuck then I can't fuck with it. Sorry.

[cyanidekissesxoxo]

Part 2

So to begin with my frustration and head noise, I need to start with things I've already worked through and rationalized...

Starting off Sunday the 7th with hearing what sounded like the FaceBook heart bubbles pop up on SO's phone across the room, and then paying attention to see if any of his text noises (was texting coworkers about work schedule) or possibly other noises sounded like it, which I hadn't noticed before. The sound didnt go off again. Realized I don't pay any attention to anything that he does on his phone, ever, which is fine - dont really need to be any level of up in anyone's business if everything is cool. But also realized how it would seem odd if I tried to glimpse now and then to see what was up because I was uneasy, because we generally sit in our own spaces, and then realized I should probably step up trying to be closer/more cuddly more. So, I started implementing it then (because if you just plan to do something later, you realistically dont and nothing changes) and trying to be more communicative because he seemed mildly frustrated that night too, due to various things I knew that hadn't super brightened his mood understandably.

However, he set his phone down and turned the screen off when I came to sit by him, after just being on it before. He seemed fidgety and weird, and would pick it up occasionally, turn it on, look at FB for a second or scroll through YouTube for a second before setting it down again. If I got up to do something for a few minutes, hed pick it up and be on it consistently and fluidly again. Sit down, phone off, fidget. After I snuggled up and settled into reading a manga, he finally settled into watching YouTube videos (with volume on), which hadn't been the scenario before. So, I settled down and let him watch his video and show me different stuff about painting models which is a big thing hes into, and made a point to interact back.

But something kept nagging, so I did some investigating the next day to put my mind at ease, and discovered a new subscription to a new porn website and a payment of $20 made on the 7th (day after the gender reveal party too!) on top of the various searches of the regular porn stars that there are private saved galleries of masses of pictures of each one, which I never addressed my discomfort of and feeling that it's different than randomly looking up/at random, varied videos, and had previously half heartedly just tried to write it off and ignore it as something I felt stronger than I needed to or should; who am I to know if that focus on specific naked women and such galleries are a common occurrence?...

Anyway, in the moment, self esteem plummets, anger builds - I'm upset thinking "Didn't we already address spending money to see other bitches naked when you dont have enough money from paycheck to paycheck and have to borrow money?"... quick flashes of feeling lied to and not good enough, about an issue that had already been discussed between us and I thought an understanding and respect for my feelings about it reached, and that it wouldn't happen again...

After debating on several possible angry or retaliatory responses (including taking anonymous sexy pictures and selling them as well, tit for tat, and the possibility of making someone feel bad, I started trying to think on a different level, and in a different light. That this was his treating himself after his paycheck to something that made him happy apparently, and aside from the regular purchases of cigarettes and monster, I understand theres probably not a lot of self-treating, and even on an extremely tight budget, I guess its healthy to spend some money to make oneself happy once in a while, and maybe instead of either addressing it and receiving another promise of change (whether I wanted or expected it), or just burying it and letting it stew and bother me and have the unaddressed/unresolved upset offer a manner of coping solutions which would probably range from useless to rash and damaging to the relationship (including the brief perhaps I could instead focus inwards and try to figure out why this all bothered me so much and so consistently, and try addressing that.

So, I mused. The multitude of hundreds of saved videos/pictures of a small group of the same girls bothered me because it felt more like cheating - "I want to consistently see this female naked, and will follow for updates and new stuff over a long time period and several websites" - than just clicking on random videos when the mood strikes does, which it never has to me if it's not excessive... and made me feel inadequate and similar to as when I found out i wasnt the only girl a guy was messaging (which in such situations in the past, I either played games or just dipped out with little explanation).. the money spent on it bothered me for the additional fact that we're both struggling and I personally dont spend money on frivolous things for myself.

After coming to this conclusion, I realized the best thing I could do was to work on myself, understanding that I don't feel as pretty and capable and confident as I used to years ago, before I stopped doing my regular and intricate make-up and quit modeling - for multiple reasons, including pacifying and reassuring jealous exes and stopping all the unwanted guys from hitting on me (which is definitely not a goal to have again... it's annoying, being treated like meat or arm candy all the time), as well as becoming more tired as I threw myself more into work. Loving myself and being proud of myself is something I've been needing to do, beyond just trying to be able to rationally evaluate if my level of being bothered by these situations was simply based out of inadequacy and the need for someone else to make me feel like *enough* because I didnt on my own... but I also understand that you cant force or expect people to do things or not do things based on your own insecurities; if that is the reason why, it will only serve to cause more issues and push them away.

So, to work on myself... I went and bought an amazing smelling body spray from Bath & Body Works, and let myself know it was okay to take a small amount of a recent paycheck to treat oneself for one's happiness. On the way out, I even cheerfully declined the booth salespeople trying to rope me into their booth to buy things, with an assertive and cheerful, "No thank you! I'm on a time schedule, but have a lovely night!" and a big smile, where normally I would have sunk into my familiar social discomfort, spluttered "No thanks!" out awkwardly and scurried away... which brings me to another resolution I had:

To improve my outlook on things and my interactions with people. If I'm uncomfortable and upset, it continually affects me, and assumably those around me. For a healthy mind, happiness must be practiced in all situations.

My third awareness to address was my anxiety with waking up and communicating over the phone (text, message, calls) with people in an orderly time. Alarm set consistently every day, and incoming contacts replied to immediately or as soon after as possible, which I started that day as well.

Final adjustment was settling back into at least a basic beauty routine to start - hair straightened and not just thrown in a bun (I dont feel pretty with my hair pulled up anyway in most styles), and just foundation to start, which has been feeling good. Next paycheck, a small portion to get my hair cut and colored to something that makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself and pretty, and then working towards eyeliner and mascara. Waking up earlier consistently, this is feasible, and definitely makes a difference. Changed FB pictures to those that are more relevant to my current hair color, and that remind me of how good I'm capable of feeling about myself, without being too "sexy", as S/O has already been immensely uncomfortable with the self-adjustments I've made simply out of understanding what I need to do to have more self love, while I ensure nothing I do comes from a place of making anyone uncomfortable, untrusting, or jealous, which would not do the situation or my self healing any good, and is not the purpose.

So far, without outside stressors or challenges, I've been feeling good about these changes. I've spent a good portion of the night engrossed in finishing this, so I will finish tomorrow with the issues that have come up, and work through how I do and should feel about them.

[confessionsofafoodaddict]

Who Do YOU Go to Bed With?

I recently saw and posted a fantastic video from Lady Gaga about how shallow and disconnected we have become as a society. She goes on to talk about being authentic and learning who you are and starting to say no.

The clip ends with her saying “Now that’s someone I can go to bed with every night.”

The entire thing -- particularly the ending -- really resonated with me for a variety of reasons. First, I am ashamed to admit how much of my day I spend on my phone or computer, not working or connecting with others, but just wasting time surfing the internet, scrolling through social media, playing games, etc.

Every minute, every second I spend doing this is time I am NOT working, engaging with Kennedy, engaging with Trip, engaging with friends or family, taking time for me, or doing something (anything!) productive. Then, to top it all off, I have the nerve to say that I don’t have enough time in my day. I am sure that if I added up all that time I’ve wasted, I’d be mortified to see how much time I actually had.

And the shallow... Lord but how shallow we HAVE become. Just look at TV, at ads, at everything. Looks, material things, the exterior and the persona has eclipsed the substance. Hell, it even crept into politics, with the coolness or brashness or persona of a person holding more weight than that person’s substance.

I know that once I really worked on who I was and who I wasn’t and how I wanted to be in the world, this sense of authenticity became huge in my world. Like the ex-smoker who cannot tolerate cigarette smoke anywhere near them or the sinner turned born-again Christian, I suddenly developed an overwhelming aversion to people who pretended to be something they weren’t.

It reminds me of the saying “we can smell our own.” Having been there, I am almost pathologically turned off now by people who put on airs, overexaggerate, make claims that they think make them seem better or more impressive than they really are, put forth a persona of living a perfect life when we all know that NO life is perfect (FB is famous for this!), or basically pretend to be, have, seem to be something they are not.

It’s judgemental, yes, I know. Maybe that’s why I was so relieved to hear Gaga say it out loud, this idea of shallowness. This idea of a growing lack of authenticity. I call it the Real Housewives effect... we all want the flashy car, the designer clothes, the big house, the perfectly coifed hair and model children. And we want our interactions to be dramatic! Our vacations to be epic! Our love lives to be exciting and complicated!

We want and portray our lives to be something that aren’t even real on “reality” TV!

The next part of the clip then talks about saying no. Lord but I’ve struggled with this. No. Two little letters that form one of the most difficult words in the English language.

But here’s the thing. To truly be able to say “no”, you have to stand for something. You have to know who you are and what you want and don’t want out of life and what you stand for and what you simply cannot stand for.

You have to value yourself and your integrity and your beliefs so that your NO stands on solid ground. I know this because I didn’t say NO for far too many years.

I didn’t say NO to men because I thought the “yes” validated me in some way. I didn’t say NO to an abusive boyfriend because I thought I deserved it. I didn’t say NO to people who wanted my time and talents for themselves, draining me but enriching themselves. I didn’t say NO to ghostwriting a book for someone with no acknowledgement of my input because I didn’t have the “credentials” to demand a co-authorship. I didn’t say NO to request after request for help or time or even money because I thought I’d lose the friendship or the relationship if I did.

I didn’t say NO to all this and more simply because I hadn’t yet learned my VALUE. I didn’t yet know my worth, my talents, my desires, and what I stood for and what I would refuse to stand for.

Finally, because I hadn’t learned to say no, I took way too many of the wrong kinds of people to bed way too many times. Then, for a long time, I took the WORST person to bed every night.

I took a complete stranger to bed... every night. I laid down with a woman who was lost and unknown to me, a persona I was trying desperately to be rather than facing the truth of me and dealing with it.

I was in bed with a woman who hid her fears, her secrets, her abuse. Who hid her addiction, her defects, her insecurities. The woman who often had to squelch her light so others wouldn’t feel outshone.

The woman who felt like she belonged nowhere so she desperately tried to fit in everywhere.

The woman who felt like she had to be everything in order to avoid being nothing.

It took a breaking point for me to realize those are things I’ve been through. Those are experiences from my life and fears I have... they are NOT who I AM. Better yet, they’ve shaped me to be the real me. The authentic me.

In fact, the real me, as I’ve discovered, is pretty amazing now that I really know her. She is bold. She is sassy. She is loving and generous and beautiful. She is talented and big-hearted. She is a great cook, an amazing wife, and a proud and blessed mother. She loves to entertain, is a great gift buyer, and is fiercely loyal.

And she has flaws too. She is a food addict. She can be crabby and she doesn’t shower every day. Often she is lucky if she remembers to brush her teeth! She procrastinates and is prone to anxiety. She can be righteous and struggles with things being definitively right or wrong. She can let her fear manifest as resentment or gossip.

She is, in short, beautifully flawed. But most importantly, she is someone that I am proud to take to bed every night. Because I know her like I’ve never known anyone before... and I love her.

[lalobalives]

*An essay a week in 2017*

My mind is all over the place today.

I’m thinking about my family, immigrants who came to this country seeking opportunity.

I’m thinking of the kind of poverty my mother described to me in Honduras. The kind of hunger that eats at the walls of your stomach.

I am thinking of the children I saw when I went to Honduras for the first time in the summer of 1985 when I was nine. Kids who lived in huts made of cardboard and aluminum siding along the edge of the Rio Cangrejal. Kids who didn’t have access to clean water for drinking. Who used the bathroom in the river next to their homes. Who didn’t own shoes and whose clothes were tattered rags. I remember feeling ashamed. That was my first confrontation with my own privilege. No, we weren’t rich but compared to these people we were. I had new clothes on my body and shiny shoes. I used an indoor toilet. I had access to food and education. My biggest issues with poverty was not being able to have the latest sneakers and trends, and maybe that’s why they don’t matter to me now as an adult. We may have lived in a hood that was riddled with crime and drugs, our apartments may have been falling apart and the living conditions we lived in weren’t healthy or ideal, but we had food. I can never say I suffered hunger. Ever. Even if it was Spam or canned corned beef, a fried over a bed of white rice; we ate every day, a few times a day.

My mother once told me the story of a classmate who died when she was just a girl. They would lay the body out for a day or so to pray over it and do rituals. Lombrices (parasite worms) started pouring out of the girl’s nose. There was squirming in her mouth. Things were poking at the insides of her cheeks causing them to puff out. An adult went over and opened the girl’s mouth. Lombrices slithered out.

My mother learned the normalcy of death early on.

My grandmother, my mother’s mother, left Honduras after losing yet another child to the horrors of poverty–childhood diseases that are easily cured with a shot or week long dose of medicine. Medicines that weren’t accessible to them then and still aren’t in so many parts of the world. She left months after her infant daughter died in her own home. The baby had fever that wouldn’t break for days. Then one day the baby had a seizure. “Su cuerpo le brincaba,” my mother said, showing me with her hands how the baby’s body jumped as she seized. My mother was just nine or ten years old. Her mother would leave to Puerto Rico a few months later with the Turkish family she worked for as a maid. She left to seek a better life. A life where her children wouldn’t die. Where she could feed them and care for them, and she could send money back home to her family.

I once asked my grandmother if she’d ever return to Honduras to live. She’s an old woman now. “There’s nothing for me there.” And I imagine what it must be like for her, this woman who I admittedly resent for countless reasons that I still struggle with and don’t care to divulge now. She’s old and fragile, but still so strong in so many ways.

I thought of her and of my mother as I watched the crowds of people on the trains on my way to teach yesterday, and on my ride back home. There were signs that read: “My body. My choice.” and “Not my president.” I thought of the women in my family who have traversed the world seeking safety for themselves and their families. I thought about what this new administration means for them, for me, for us.

***

I didn’t go to any of the marches yesterday. My form of protest entailed facilitating a workshop for twelve women of color. I led them through various exercises to help them write their stories.

I left hopeful but still wondering: Am I doing enough? Where do we go from here? How does my work affect the world and help make this world a safer place for all of us? How can I carry this work forward? How can I contribute to the growth of this nation and this world?

These lines from Chris Abani’s TED Talk “On Humanity” have been in my mind on loop for the past few days: “what I’ve come to learn is that the world is never saved in grand messianic gestures, but in the simple accumulation of gentle, soft, almost invisible acts of compassion, everyday acts of compassion.”

Some days I believe this to be true. Some days I worry that it’s not enough. Yesterday, in that room with those women, I believed this to be true–that it’s through the work that we do every day work that we change the world.

As I scrolled through my FB and saw the pictures of the marches across the world (which were glorious and inspiring), I wondered if I should have been among those women. Should I have been there with my twelve year old daughter, holding signs and shouting and showing our resistance?

I came home to a message from a fellow writer of color. She wrote:

Hi love, I’m not sure where you are right now or if you remember me from VONA but I just wanted to send you deep love and gratitude today for the 52 essay writing challenge. It is giving me the much-needed courage and commitment to words that need to be written, about love, race, white supremacy and more. Slowly but surely I feel like I’m finally going to begin writing the pieces I need to write. You are a force, inspiring and BRILLIANT. 

This writer served to remind me that, yes, this work is important and my work is having a ripple effect that is necessary and appreciated. The thing is, I am the type of person who always wants do serve and do more, all while being starkly aware of the fact that I am only one person.

So I wonder, how many people are carrying these protests forward? How can we continue to protest and be involved in our daily lives?

I think about the day after the election where what so many of us feared actually happened. I walked into my Fiction class in East Harlem, into a roomful of students of color who live in NYC in marginalized neighborhoods, who are told again and again, via the media and the results of this election and so many spaces, that they don’t matter and their stories don’t matter and they are less than… I threw out my lesson that day. Instead, I tried to get them talking about what the election results means to and for them. They sat, quiet and sullen. At first they didn’t want to talk about the election, but soon, after I shared my own dismay, they were talking and sharing. Two of my kids told me that they experienced racism for the first time that day. One student confessed that her mother is undocumented and she’s terrified for her. When the end of class came, a few of them lingered. They hugged me. They thanked me. They needed to be seen. I gave them what I could, my heart and my ears and my shoulder. I came home exhausted. The sweet exhaustion of this soul work.

They are the reason I wonder. My daughter is the reason I wonder: Am I doing enough? Is this work enough? Then I get these messages from writers, dozens of them over the past few weeks, who say thank you and tell me this #52essays2017 challenge has them writing and producing in a way they haven’t in so long. And I poll my students and they say they want me to continue the fiction class in the spring semester and they say they love the readings I’ve provided–all writers of color, all writers who look like them and come from places they come from and/or they can identify with. Writings by Junot Diaz and Judith Ortiz Cofer and Glendaliz Camacho and ZZ Packer and so many more. And so as I sit to create the syllabus for the spring, I think of what else to share–a story from Roxane Gay’s “Dangerous Women” and an excerpt from the graphic adaptation of Octavia Butler’s “Kindred.” And on Thursday I learned that a record number of students have registered for my Fiction class, and the class is now vying for first place with Robotics for the number of students trying to get into the class. This has never happened before. Wow. 

I know that hunger for stories that represent me. I am reminded that representation matters, and so I’m also reminded that this challenge I created with the push of my brujermana Lizz Huerta (#52essays2017) is an effort to get more stories like ours out in the world. I think of how this will influence the literary landscape in the next five to ten to twenty years. And, yes, sometimes the weight of it overwhelms me. Sometimes I am scared by what it is I’ve taken on and what was and continues to be the driving force behind Writing Our Lives–that our stories matter and only we can write them and I’m here to help people do this, especially writers of color. Us. You and me.

***

My daughter went out with her friends today. She woke up early to finish her homework and study for an upcoming exam and help clean the house. She swept the house. She cleaned the bathroom. She did three pages of the Kaplan test book I got for her. She showed me what she’d done and promised to do a few pages more when she gets home around 6.

She’s twelve and wanting to be with her friends. She wants to see the world like I did. She wants to experience life. I worry about the world I’ve brought her into. See, I get the many who say that they don’t want to bring kids into this world. And I also know that I couldn’t imagine a world without my little girl. This girl who isn’t so little anymore. Who is taller than her mama. Who has a 97 average and when she finishes her work early in class, spends the rest of her time helping her classmates. This girl who doesn’t come to me to help her with her schoolwork anymore. Who says, “I got it, mom” when I offer to help.

There was a time when I was her best friend. I didn’t think about when I would stop being cool and everything that she aspires to be. I wonder if I’m doing enough. If my hands off approach and “I won’t hover or helicopter mom you” style of parenting is enough. I don’t know, just like I don’t know if the work I do teaching and facilitating writing workshops is enough. But the evidence is there, isn’t it? It’s in the writers who before walking out of the class yesterday told me that they have the beginnings of two short stories and possibly more. It’s in the messages they send about how my work inspires them and pushes them to write. It’s in the eyes of the student who told me recently “I usually hate reading, miss, but I really like what you bring in for us to read.” It’s in the conversation I overheard my daughter having with a friend where she said, “My mom can be a pain sometimes, because, you know, moms, but she has my back. I know I can talk to her and I know she won’t let anyone mess with me.” The evidence is there when I walk into her room at night to turn off the light and she’s fallen asleep with a book on her chest.

All this inspires me to keep revisiting and reinventing ways I can show up for my students, young and old, emerging writers and established. And it keeps reminding me to keep mothering my daughter in resistance to how I was raised and how the world tells me I should mother her–conflicting messages that do nothing to affirm the role of mother. We all have our way of showing up and loving. There is no one way and no one road. The point is to keep striving and giving and serving and working to be your best self. The point is to contribute positively.

***

Two days ago a video came across my feed. It’s a speech (which felt like a prayer) by Valarie Kaur, Sikh activist and interfaith leader who centers her work on storytelling for social change. In her prayer, she talks of her grandfather’s immigration story, how he was imprisoned upon arrival for months until a white lawyer filed a habeas corpus and got him freed. Ms. Kaur connected her work as a lawyer and humanitarian to her grandfather’s experience. I choked up as I listened. The tears came when she said: “”Yes Rabbi, the future is dark, on this watch night, I close my eyes and I see the darkness of my grandfather’s cell. And I can feel the spirit of ever rising optimism (in the Sikh tradition ‘Chardi Kala’) within him. So the mother in me asks, ‘What if? What if this darkness is not the darkness of the tomb, but the darkness of the womb?…. What is this is our country’s great transition?”

  Ms. Kaur wrote on her blog:

What if our America is not dead but a country still waiting to be born? What if the story of America is one long labor?

What if all the mothers who came before us, who survived genocide and occupation, slavery and Jim Crow, racism and xenophobia and Islamophobia, political oppression and sexual assault, are standing behind us now, whispering in our ear: You are brave? What if this is our Great Contraction before we birth a new future?

Remember the wisdom of the midwife: “Breathe,” she says. Then: “Push.”

Now it is time to breathe. But soon it will be time to push; soon it will be time to fight — for those we love — Muslim father, Sikh son, trans daughter, indigenous brother, immigrant sister, white worker, the poor and forgotten, and the ones who cast their vote out of resentment and fear.

I like to think that my relentless hope is my superpower. I’ve written about how my faith has waned during these times and how that scares me. Ms. Kaur’s speech reminded me that this kind of hope is necessary, because it makes us push, it makes us fight, for ourselves, for our ancestors, for our children and our students and those we call brother and sister and friend and family and brujermanas and brujermanos. And, yes, for those ancestors that came here, who survived so much pain and hunger and disillusionment, who kept trying and fighting and didn’t give up. Who knew they couldn’t give up, not on themselves or the generations to come.

I remember those labor pains when I had my daughter. I remember when I first saw her. I remember when I decided not to return to corporate America because I was so miserable there. I learned firsthand what misery can do to a child. I didn’t want to bring my daughter up in that. So I wrote my first book and didn’t look back. And in the journey of writing the book, I faced what I feared and started moving toward it: becoming a single mother and pursuing this writing life while doing it. That was more than twelve years ago. That was my new beginning. It hasn’t been an easy road but it’s been a beautiful, fulfilling one and I’m still here. Still doing this work and the dream evolves as I do. I continue to push. I hope you will too. Word. 

Relentless Files — Week 56 (#52essays2017 Week 3) *An essay a week in 2017* My mind is all over the place today. I’m thinking about my family, immigrants who came to this country seeking opportunity.