#returnable refillables

[mobius-m-mobius]

#a man who DESERVES A SLICE OF PIE

[wlw-cryptid]

I want to kiss messy . I wanna feel someone's tongue in my mouth

[motherfucker-unlimited]

YOU

[lemememeringue]

good friday should not exist. how do we know Jesus wasn't killed on a saturday

[habibisagi]

vic logs on here to be lost in the kaiser sauce everyday

[morphogenetic]

get soup'ed

[primordialwhale]

hmhmhmhmhmhmh i think i mayhaps might be a tad bit depressed perhaps. cant fucking get myself to do anyyyyythinnnnnng i enjoy lately.

literally will ramble abt how i excited i am abt smth thats coming out and then ignore its presence when it is.

and ive just been so fucking tireedddddd

like my serotonin boosts have come from going on extremely opinionated rants about nonsense that does noooooot matter

other than that im rly just laying in bed sometimes sleeping or just staring at the wall

girl (omnipresent) help

[loserchildhotpants]

i'm not who i used to be, but not by enough.

i fear the vile things people i've loved have said about me.

i think i fear the words, because i fear they're correct.

i'm getting older.

i'm not old, not like that, i'm in my 30's, and someone in their 60's would laugh at me, maybe, but i'm not 16 anymore, and thank g-d, but also, send me back, i can do it better this time. i can do better.

i'm doing better.

but i wasn't at the wedding.

the multiple weddings.

i wasn't invited.

and i wasn't at the reunion. and i wasn't at the birthdays, and no one told me about the baby, and i'm blocked on everything, and i'm not sure what it was i said or did, but i walked away with the lesson that, sometimes, the final gift i can give to someone who wants nothing to do with me is to fuck off in silence.

but i think of her wild curls when i see lions. i remember that she's a leo. i've always loved leos. i don't feel good when i think of her, but i miss her anyway, and i wish we could've had a nice conversation to end it all on, instead of my being ignored until i fucked off, and then being blocked when i tried to reestablish any sort of contact.

i've got a photo of us, in a frame. the two of us in braces, roasting marshmallows in a fireplace at a vacation spot.

we got rained out that year, and she saved my life when lightning struck a tree i was standing under. i lost one of the rings she got for me, though, in the mud, and i think about that ring a lot.

and in April, i remember it's his birthday soon, but im so bad with birthdays, i can never remember when it is, it's the 12th or the 14th, i think, and the last time i anonymously sent him a dm on social media to wish him a happy birthday, he just deleted his entire account to outrun me. i wasn't kind enough fast enough. i was so sick for so long, and he caught so much of it, and saying i was sorry wasn't enough.

and i have nightmares about someone else, still. took me a long time to realize that just because he didn't use a knife didn't mean i didn't feel forced, and the way he coerced me, and the way he spoke to me, how mean and terrible he was-- and he's probably still friends with them. and he was probably at the wedding, and he probably was at the reunion, and he probably knew about the baby, and he probably talks about how insane i was.

i was insane. and he treated me horrendously. those two things are both true.

i only made peace with two of them. one who betrayed me so deeply, i don't think i've ever fully healed from it, and the other who stopped texting me when i expressed that i still love my husband a lot.

it doesn't matter, though. i probably think about all of this so much more often than any of them. i'm probably the only one still thinking about it at all.

i just didn't mean to hurt anyone. i would black out, and then i'd be told that i said and did things i didn't remember, and they'd call me a liar, and i didn't have the words then to articulate what i can now, and even now, all i can really say is, 'i'm so sorry, i can't remember any of this. no, none of it. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry for any pain i caused, even if i don't remember causing it, and i'll do whatever you need me to, to make it up to you, to protect you from that shit happening ever again.'

but i also get not wanting to give me any other chances. i get not wanting me around, i get it.

i'm dense with history and emotional baggage, and i fucked up when i was younger, and i'm older now, but that doesn't matter. not here, not like this.

i've got keepsakes in a box, and it's shoes, and hats, and jackets, and things i loaded onto my small, teenage frame as i got in the car and was driven 1500 miles away, and i remember the text messages dwindling down to nothing, and the calls going unreturned, and so yeah, i wasn't at the weddings, or the reunion, and why would they tell me anything at all?

some days i feel like i belong in a junkyard, useless and disarticulated as i come

[graysongraysoff]

send me your greatest mana blessings i have to go to the pharmacy and explain why i need them to fill a prescription that i literally just got filled this past weekend (it is because i accidentally threw the bottle away and had already taken the trash out before i Realized)

[whatsuptyler]

even my partner is telling me to rest and that writing isn’t resting I feel so betrayed

(She’s right tho)

[caspersscareschool]

low t is so awesome i woke up this morning feeling like jumping into traffic

[tkbrokkoli]

been scrubbing these damn shoes w the white soles for eternity

[podcastfaggot]

i’m really really really normal about lady mowbray. yeag

[thedevotionaltour]

starting to hit that i have no psych and my medication feels constantly on the edge of becoming highly precarious bc we have switched insurance and my previous doctor is like no longer my doctor to prescribe it and idk how long the therapy center i went to will continue to let the psych there prescribe me stuff and if they still can with insurance changes. guys i hate it just a little

[funshinebf]

im so weird about like food and drinks being exposed to open air for any amount of time. this is why i drink so many bottled beverages they just feel like. cleaner? safer?? to me. even cups with a lid and a straw is too open for me. which is annoying as fuck cause i love drinking from straws. i have an empty plastic water bottle and a cup half full of water with a lid and straw next to me on my bedside table and like. im thirsty as fuck. but im more likely to take the empty water bottle all the way to the kitchen and fill it back up rather than just drink from the full one that has a straw. i cant drink that water unless its life or death. that water has been contaminated unfortunately

[thecherrygod]

Man I do wish I could just have a living experience that didn't involve me telling myself the Incomplete thought of being an overflowing sink that it doesn't matter what you do it can never be drained or emptied out at 3:whatever am