#rhs stepmother

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

It's past 3am and I don't have the time, the spoons, or the emotional strength to elaborate.

Edit: I elaborated anyways. This is Heavy and I guess I still have a lot to work through...

(Personal family stuff below. tl;dr I'm learning to accept that I'll never be as close and trusting with and feel as loved by my stepmother and father as I want to, but it still hurts.)

((And don't reblog this or you Will be blocked.))

--

Lately, I've been wondering... See, when it turned out I was living in a house that might be foreclosed any day because the property owner hadn't paid taxes in years, I moved back in with my stepmother and father for a month, just long enough to get a lease signed and move in to my own place ASAP.

I appreciated them letting me do that. (Although I know the primary motivation was them needing the money I'd pay in rent.)

They acted like they LOVED me being there.

But here's the thing: I wasn't really there.

Physically, yes. But not mentally. Not emotionally.

I've learned how to lie to their faces. I've learned how to hide who I really am in front of them, because I'm sick of being real enough to constantly upset them. I'm sick of the arguments, the screaming, the relentless emotional abuse. I'm sick of constantly having to defend myself and leaving conversations in tears because everything about me somehow offends them.

I only spoke up to agree with them. I only spoke when spoken to. I only interacted when someone initiated it. I nodded, I listened, I hid everything about my own thoughts and feelings and vulnerabilities and life.

I gave up long ago.

I pretended to be a shell of who I am, an empty shell filled with what they wanted from me.

And we didn't argue.

But we don't really make connections that way, do we? They aren't really loving "me" that way, are they?

I also grew very sick of walking on eggshells and cutting my feet to keep the rest of me from being burned.

But ever since I moved out, about 9 months ago by now, stepmom and Dad have sent me messages. Inviting me to family functions (only if I'll spend the whole weekend there or spend $700 to get there). Saying they're thinking about me. Saying they love me.

And it's been making me question myself. Is putting distance between us really the right choice? Is it cruel of me to avoid it? Am I just being pessimistic about our relationships? Is it possible that they really want to get to know me better?

Is there really hope of us reconnecting?

But when I was desperately combing through my files tonight to try finding those Missing Writing Files, I found a file compiling all the ways stepmother and dad have hurt me.

Do you know what quote I used to name that file?

"My only weakness was loving you."

When people say "forgiving someone doesn't make it okay", then what is forgiveness saying? What is forgetting everything they've done? What does it solve, what does it accomplish? What does it do besides leave you open to being hurt again by people who will never change?

People you've tried to talk to, to make amends, to problem-solve with, to open up to, to try mending your hearts together. People you've employed six years of communication training and therapy and compassion and empathy for. People you tried so, so hard to understand, to help them understand you.

People who spent those entire conversations spitting in your face.

And all they tell you is that you're being disrespectful by being hurt when they scream at you. Or call you names. Or tell you your wants and needs don't matter. Put you down. Threaten your future. Threaten to kick you out. Mock your insecurities. Call you inhuman. Tell you you have 30 days and when you write up a letter for them to sign so you can get assisted housing because you only work 10 hours a week minimum wage and you'll be homeless if they don't, they steadfastly refuse.

Am I a bad person for not wanting to forgive them?

I won't say I'm holding onto the pain intentionally. I won't say I'm bitter. I'm angry, yes, a little, but mostly I'm sad.

I mourn what I daydream about, but will never be. (Them learning how to love me kindly.)

I put, in that file, a blogged journal entry about the time I dreamed my father hugged me when he saw me crying instead of yelling at me for it, and it was so important and needed and promising that I woke up crying for real because it will never happen.

They refuse to ever, ever even CONSIDER that the way they acted was wrong. The only apologies I've ever gotten were sarcastic or refuted. Those apologies that are rhetorical devices to set up how sorry they really AREN'T. "I'm sorry I'm such a bad person." "I'm sorry, but you were wrong." "I'm sorry you're upset."

I spent the past two hours reading through the story of my adult life with them. After I realized it was emotional abuse. After I started trying to reach out. After I learned how to defend myself in the moment, but not from the lasting impact.

And even still, maybe I haven't learned that lesson. Because I can't make peace with the fact that I'll never make peace with them.

Gods, it hurts, it burns, it stings, to think that after everything they've done to me, every cruel word, I still WANT them. But what I want from them isn't how they actually are. What I want from them is the version that I've imagined. The ideal scenarios I conjure to try piecing together what would help, what would soothe the pain, what would make me feel loved.

Because the reality is that I haven't felt loved by them in a very long time. They can say it all they want, but the times they've said "you don't matter" or "you're a failure" or "you're an awful person" or "I don't care how badly I hurt you" drowns it out.

The last entry in the file goes like this:

I love her, as I love any other person, just enough to stay silent when she says, “Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision” or “sometimes I wonder if you would be better off without me”. Guess what… I would. But I can’t tell her that. It would DESTROY her, to hear it from ME and not just her subconscious. I can’t destroy her. As much as she has taken from me, and hurt me, and scarred me to the point where I’m afraid to ask my best friends permission to do things… As much social anxiety as she has given me in everyday interactions? As much trust as she destroyed, as much as she has RUINED me? Even after everything she’s done? I can’t destroy her, too……..

And there's a part of me that wonders if my self-esteem is Still Too Low, because maybe I don't love myself enough to be infuriated by the mere insinuation that I "should" love them, even after everything they've forced upon me. Maybe I don't love myself enough to protect myself from these silly little daydreams, these hopes, these wishes, that someday they WILL love me for who I am, and not just who they're telling themselves I am.

I'm not a bitter person by nature. I'm not angered by the way people treat me. I just... get really sad, and spend an hour thinking about it and typing about it on my online journal.

It hurts, but I'm trying to accept it. It's a sort of grief, having spent 20+ years of my life trying to earn their love and begging for their understanding. Hope is such a strong, persistent thing for me.

But I have to accept that they've never going to change how they treat me until they can realize that the way they've done it all my life is WRONG. Until they decide they WANT to change. Until they decide to accept that it is, in fact, Not Okay to scream at a child for forgetting to put the dishes away.

And I have to assert, to myself moreso than them, that this is the right decision. That it's not worth the constant letdowns, the pain, the strife, the heart-rending accusations that were leveled at me every single time I lived there for more than 35 days.

I have to tell myself that it's worth it to PROTECT myself. It's important for me to heal. It's important for me to surround myself in people who DO love me for who I am, and who are there to support me when I need it. It's important for me to be where I don't have to pretend to be someone entirely different just to avoid being hurt again.

I am worth protecting, and they are not worth hurting myself over.

But it doesn't stop me from aching over the fact that I have to make that decision.

[mswyrr]

The wicked stepmother & Cinderella narrative of Alicent and Rh/aenyra from the fictional male historian found in the book "Fire and Blood" is not a more complex depiction of women than the dynamic in the tv show. The way people say that over and over is absurd to me.

Historiography is vital to interpreting the book: it is a history written in the voice of a maester historian, embedded in his own time and place's power dynamics, and written long after the events. He's drawing on several clearly biased male sources who often overstated their involvement for personal gain and shaped the narrative they told of the Dance to suit their needs, e.g. the court jester who told the stories for coin.

Actually, it makes sense as a sexist simplification* imposed on & erasing more complex/queer dynamics of childhood friendship. That's not how people have to read it -- the nature of the narratives allow for many valid readings-- but it is an entirely valid reading.

Alicent's age could have easily shifted in memory, for example - GRRM has clearly read a lot of history and gets how sketchy some info can be from sources long after the fact and the role bias plays in shaping historical memory.

It makes sense that what they actually were to each other and the combo of hate and love they came to was lost to history and/or the biased historians ignored whatever evidence there was left of it because it was politically uncomfortable and/or too complex for their view of women.

It's a good tragic ship and works well textually with both book and tv. This is an opinion that fire cannot burn from me.

*the idea that women are just catty bitches inherently trying to hurt each other is an old sexist canard

[kurocookieemi]

More OC facts (mostly RH ones but there are others in there)

RH likes to rub essential oils on her skin (despite her bad reaction to incense, oils don’t have this effect), and her favorite oils are usually the flower ones (mostly lotus) but likes other oils like eucalyptus, sandalwood, etc

the Asahina sisters are often commissioned by RH to draw the art for her non-horror Chinese cover songs and other promotional media

RH likes to sing Chinese covers of both dark and non-dark songs, and she commissions different horror artists for her dark cover songs

her Chinese cover song videos feature art of herself relating to the song (like, if she were to sing a cover of an Enya song for instance, the art would be of her doing something related to said song, like if it was Orinoco Flow, the art would be of her on a boat) with fitting backgrounds, along with the Mandarin Chinese lyrics (both the hanzi and pinyin would be displayed)

Tae’s parents divorced (nothing terrible or traumatizing happened, they still get along well) and her father remarried to her current stepmother, who was very kind to her, and her stepmother and stepsisters were happy to have Tae in their family

Azra uses many different mantras when meditating, it just depends on what exactly she’s meditating on at the moment

even though Joshua loves a lot of video games (like Mario, Wii games, etc), his favorite video game series is the Sonic series

RH tweets in both English and Mandarin Chinese

RH has a wide assortment of expensive jewelry, makeup, crowns, hair accessories, hair/skin products, etc. and she has a collection of very beautiful dresses too. most of these products come from her parents’ fashion company, but she also has some products from other companies

Yoko is into cute series, like Sanrio, various magical girl anime, MLP, and mostly just things more aimed towards younger girls

Murasaki’s favorite animals are snakes, and she even has a pet snake

Kendra doesn’t like reptiles at all

RH gets disgusted by slimy things, like snails, slugs, and the like

Azra has a dog named Osman, and she loves to pamper and relax him, and Osman likes to hang around Azra whenever she meditates or does yoga. Azra even got RH into pampering and relaxing her dog Ying

[iokannan]

The reason I do not respect Rh*enicent shippers (despite being one myself) is because of how embarrassingly in denial they are about it being, in fact, stepmother/stepdaughter incest (which is prohibited by the religion that Alicent herself follows) instead of wholeheartedly embracing the dead dove elements of their fascinating dynamic…

[fishylife]

Thoughts about doll lore

To be honest I stay away from doll lines that have a lot of lore behind them. By this I'm mostly referring to lines like MH/EAH/RH that are doll lines first but have deep tie-in media to boost interest in the dolls (and not media that were movies/TV shows first and had merchandise made afterwards for the show).

I think it's because the backstory for dolls with tie-in media become too important for me to feel like I have room for imagination. Technically nothing is stopping me from dressing a doll in a way they would never dress in canon, but it does bother me. There's (sometimes a lot of) backstory for certain dolls looking the way they do but if I'm not interested in the backstory then I know that I'm not fully appreciating the doll either :/

On a related note, I also wouldn't buy dolls/toys for media that I don't know :S It always seems kind of weird to me when someone buys merchandise even though they don't know the media. What if that character is a character you wouldn't like? It would kind of ruin the doll for me tbh. (This is also the reason why I wouldn't buy dolls with tie-in media that I don't know.)

I guess Disney kind of has an advantage because a lot of its works are so recognizable. For example, Disney's Snow White is technically just an adaptation of the original Snow White story, but the movie is what made Snow White known to the masses, and her look and aesthetic are very recognizable. Even though I don't remember the Snow White movie very clearly, I still feel like I understand the essence of what her character is like. She doesn't have particularly deep nor numerous relations with other characters (her prince, the dwarves, the evil stepmother, that's basically it).

For me, there is a gray area for dolls based very loosely on media. I'd say a lot of Pullip dolls generally fall in this gray area. For example, they have a lot of dolls based on Alice in Wonderland but only in the sense that these dolls wear dresses with aprons on them. Same goes for the Pullips and Nendoroid dolls that are based on fairy tales (but not the Disney versions). Probably because the stories are pretty simple so like with the Disney characters, we have a gist of what the character is like and it's not super complicated (e.g. the Red Riding Hood and Wolf Nendoroid dolls). But I exclude the dolls based on Disney versions of characters because I think they still fall in the Disney doll category where I see them as the Disney characters more than I do as a doll. (e.g. Pullip has a Cinderella based on the Disney version, but also their own original interpretation of Cinderella, and I was more drawn to the original Cinderella dolls).

[blackwinged-soul]

You know what’s sad?

I’m hurting from mouth surgery, exhausted from not sleeping, drained from working overtime for 3 weeks straight, extra tired because I’m an introvert who just went to not one, but TWO family gatherings... Generally, in this shift I’ve been a little lower energy, but also more able to talk, communicate, and maintain an contented calm, despite it all.

But as I just discovered, the one thing this shift DOESN’T change is the way my stepmother’s snapping and accusations and blaming and yelling and ranting still HURTS.

So what’s really sad is, I thought, “I’ll finish rewatching DSoD today, to get my mind off her abuse. It’ll hurt less.”

I figured THAT would hurt LESS.

I figured, watching a movie, right as I’d left off at one of the most traumatic and devastating memories in my lives, would hurt less.

[josettewritesromance]

#WhyChoose #RH #ReverseHarem #Menage #LoveisLove #oneclick #newrelease #FMMMMMMM #aliens #shifters #fairytales #space #Romance #HEA Once Upon a Star: Volume 1 by Ella Rose & Kate Linn Once Upon a Star… Two women find themselves wishing for more than the future being laid out in front of them. What they find may be way more than they ever expected. Snow White & the Seven Alien Barbarians Eirwyn Snow was living a classic fairytale — a vapid, loveless existence capped off with a dead mother as a child, a passive father, and an evil stepmother. The only person she'd been able to count on was her bodyguard, Donald Sledge — until he followed the step-witch's orders and kidnapped her onto a space-pirate ship. Jettisoned and crash landed on an unknown planet, she finds herself spending her days completing household chores and her nights surrounded by seven alien barbarians. Eirwyn struggles between the life she left behind and the possibility of the new one in front of her. Will fear snatch away her happily ever after before she has the chance to decide? Little Red & the Big Bad Wolves Redell Preston's mother always told her to stay on the path of life. However, with her mother's death, Redell is ready to move forward and see what other paths are out there. However, the path she chooses leads her to eight very sexy males from a different planet, who are heading down the same path as her. Timid about the new world around her, she begins to question if she can give her heart to one male, let alone eight. Will Redell scurry off the path to head a different direction or will Redell accept the path in front of her and travel side by side with the eight the universe has sent her? https://books2read.com/u/3npE0x https://www.instagram.com/p/B2ZU0XFgBjx/?igshid=1v3xzh6s94qt9

[tags5colors]

Once Upon a Time...(Part 1)

So I’ve never written an article on this blog before, mostly because I didn’t think I had anything really to say about magic that would be article worthy.  I've read about what some of the other bloggers discuss in terms of what type of worlds they hope to see. So I thought  I’d give it a go with a theme for a world I have been wanting to see for a long time now; fairy tale world. This article explores my expectations  and wants for a fairy tale world as well as stuff from a fan-set I tinkered with for years.

This article ended up longer than expected so I have split it into three parts  (and a minipost) so you don’t need to read a block of text at once.

Part 2 3 mini

What I want to see

So a little about my interest in the subject. I love stories which that lead to my love of fantasy, with fairy tales being my favorite.To that end I became an amateur folklorist. I’ve read as many tales, by the authors and some of the older oral versions that are still around. I have looked at many of the fairy tales in  modern media that have  popped up more and more (fables being my personal favorite)  I  did my own research as well as  I could on the subjects and  did a scholarly research on my own as well as any research provided by my few classes at my college that touched on the subject.  So out of any top-down theme I want out of magic it is fairy tale world and with our fairy tale mix-up fiction becoming popular in our media I think it would be very resonate with player and a good choice of theme for a block.

Let's start with a small talk about Lorwyn. Lorwyn was spun as a “fairy tale” world with bright colors, storybook like landscapes, fantasy races ect. However, this is the barest tropes of the genre and Wizard themselves said they never felt it was a “top-down fairy tale world” as they would think of it, as well as the theme being closer to celtic mythology than fairy tales. But I think the storybook feel was a good and I’d hope they’d reuse that element (Rebecca Guay would be brillent for this kind of world).

For the rest of the tone and tropes, I’d hope wizards would play with both the dark and gory elements found in the original tales (eyes pecked out, cannibalism, torture/disembowelment) and the “fairy tale disney” tropes we see in the more modern child-friendly versions* (love conquers all, princesses, happily ever after) . For those who have seen the movie version of Into the Woods show a pretty good example of how this could mix. The stage musical had the dark and gory elements of the original tales but was slightly blunted by Disney to be more in brand with their fairy tale line, BUT they still had all the dark elements there (minus two things that related to the character of Rapunzel and a tweaked plot point about the Princes in act two).  I want the tone of the world to be dark and grimm but optimistic, fairy tales might get dark and creepy but shows if you are kind and brave, you can endure and find a happy ending.

*Side note, one thing I’ve always found funny is that people say how dark the Grimm brothers are when in fact they started the tradition of censoring fairy tales. An example is most evil stepmothers in their stories where the bio moms in the oral tales but the Grimms didn’t think any woman would abuse their child so changed them into stepmoms.

For consistency I’d think the fairy tales used should stay more rooted in European regions. These are the stories most people tend to think of when thinking of fairy tales, the tropes used are more generally found in stories in these regions and as seen with Arabian Nights, fairy tales of other areas and mythologies could be used as a whole block on their own (which is why I won’t put any references to Mulan for example). So to this end I expect to see stories from the Grimms, Andersen and Perrault, as well as other similar authors. I also won’t mind seeing elements from stories like Peter Pan, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and the Wonderful Wizard of Oz and things like nursery rhymes and folk songs which are not *technically* fairy tales but are used in modern fairy tale pop culture, much like the idea of having Karkens in Theros.

Another thing I’d hope to see is a strong  focus on the woods. As pointed out in the musical Into the Woods, fairy tales have a lot of their action in the woods. When these tales were first being told, the woods was an unknown place where monsters and magic could hide. Many of the fairy tale character forced to leave the safety of home and journey through the woods in order to find their happy ending. Even the brothers Grimm often traveled through the woods to collect their stories. In my opinion I think the woods should be the “key” feature of the world, much like Hedrons/the roil on Zendikar or aether swirls on Kaladesh.

This article is for me for to express my ideas on this idea, but I’d love to hear other people in the community input/ideas on the subject.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

I forgot to mention this and don’t have the energy to elaborate.

But like.

Every single time I sing along to Better Without You, I’m singing it at my stepmother.

Just saying.

[mswyrr]

Rh/aenyra could have used the two years Alicent secured for her to choose her own suitor to travel the realm, make a good impression, make connections, and select someone solid. She might have even met and chosen Har/win if she actually had chosen to use that time wisely.

Time most young women don’t get. Time Alicent had to fight for her to have with the measure of consideration she got from her husband. That is to say, she paid in blood and tears for that measure of influence and she used it to protect R while insisting to her father again and again that R would make a good queen and Alicent wouldn’t raise her son to displace R.

R is the one who chose to take that gift of 2 years, throw it on the ground, and spit on it sneering at women who “squeeze out babies” (like Alicent, like her mother).

It really bothers me that people talk like Alicent didn’t spend years trying to make things work and protect and support R as heir.

The young actor specifically said that Alicent was so heartbroken by R’s lie to her because R swore a false oath on her dead mother Aemma.

Alicent thought that should mean something: she’d bonded with R over having lost her own mother. Aemma was a good and honorable woman who deserves respect in death. With that comment and her “I’m not LIKE other girls!” talk, R convinced Alicent that she had this total absence of love or respect for anything Alicent or Aemma or Alicent’s mother did.

That wasn’t what was really going on with R and her internalized misogyny (like Alicent’s!) is understandable. But I keep seeing people talk like R is Cinderella, pure and innocent and just mistreated by her evil stepmother, and that isn’t at all what I see. I see a problem with two sides and two sets of hurts and misunderstandings.

[jonathoncaire02-blog]

Helping Papas Connect With The Babies.

Recognizing the correct foods items to eat when expecting is a vital part of every maternity plan. The Mother from Great Guidance Church I am actually pertaining to right here is actually discovered at San Pedro, Laguna Philippines 4023, if you are actually asking yourself. The best comprehensive model is that which nature presents as well as it is actually crystal clear that mama and also child are indicated to become intimate. A great cook should be looked for, provided needs to join your bistro and after that made up in a way that fulfills the competitors. And if a papa shows any oppositions to these deprivals, the mama can make use of the RO justification regulation for affirming abuse versus her or even his little ones to further limit his liberties currently and also later on. Martha had the misfortune from being a stepmother as well as certainly not a genuine" mama to the Morris kids (as well as, theoretically, she wasn't also their stepmother" as she as well as Thomas were actually certainly not married). Thus to become effective as a singular mama you should possess a set from parenting tips for every group. A young lady, confined along with her first child, left behind the lying-in space at the expiry of the 3rd full week, an excellent nurse practitioner, and also in best wellness. Even though you reveal that your mom is a narcissist, your well-meaning close friends will certainly still use guidance on ways to bring in factors much better. Either an expansion from mama (that which makes one thing; source, origin"), or even off (or a calque from) a Germanic foreign language phrase like Dutch moer (debris developed in various alcholic alcoholic beverages and white vinegar"), which view. They required to hear those 4 little words ... You're an Excellent Mother. equally as horribly as I had. Colman pointed out that seeking assistance could be hard, however even simply referring to how she is actually feeling could occasionally be actually a definitely beneficial start on the roadway to recovery for a mommy experiencing clinical depression. Only at that point was Mama prepared for the eggwhite routine-- punished egg whites and also honey applied carefully over the whole entire face besides the cotton pads around the eyes. If the mama is Rh damaging and the little one is Rh good, the mama's naturally taking place antibody will definitely attach on its own to the little one's red blood cells. This is actually innovative as well as ideal for a mama of the bride-to-be which doesn't would like to mix right into the history. I don't even presume I can ever before be actually a great mommy or even girl due to the fact that I feel dumb showing devotion, as well as devotion is what children and a partner need. His mommy was a dressmaker that functioned long, difficult hrs to support him and also his 3 siblings and siblings. There might possess been actually times when you merely must possess really felt that your Mom is actually rough as well as unethical, however that merely one more kind of Love. Knowing great ethics takes standing firm via the uncomfort and past the pain from job. A group from other mothers and also fathers who can easily associate with each other creates a fantastic public circle for the stay at home mommy who could or else experience alone, gloomy and also discouraged at least at the start from the correction official website place.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

STEPMOTHER IS PULLING ABUSIVE/NARCISSTIC SHIT on a THREE YEAR OLD???

They’re in the bathroom with the door open, and I have no idea what happened, but the baby said something like “You hurt my feelings.”

And instead of apologizing, stepmonster went, “But YOU hurt MY feelings.”

And she kept saying that and telling my niece that she needs to apologize for hurting her feelings. And never apologized for hurting the kid’s.

???? GROW UP ALREADY, WOMAN. Teach her to apologize! She’s fucking THREE, she doesn’t know about empathy much yet! You’re like FORTY. You need to TEACH her to apologize BY APOLGIZING! You need to TEACH her to care about hurting others BY CARING THAT YOU HURT HER, not making it ALL ABOUT YOU, like always! Be an EXAMPLE. You are a FULLY GROWN WOMAN? Why are you acting like you’re FIVE?

Fuck!!!

I don’t even WANT kids, and I know how to handle that better! Geezus crisps!

You’re not supposed to make the CHILD cater to YOUR emotions???? That’s so messed up, I can’t even...? ?? ????

Holy fuck, woman?!

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

Ha... haha... ha.......

I’m rereading something from when I was 17.

Not physical enough to count as abuse in any way, but far more than physical enough to terrify me…

Remember when I didn’t think what my stepmother did to me was “enough” to qualify as abuse?

The fact that I was terrified of her was a sign of abuse. I didn’t know about emotional abuse, though. Nobody had ever told me it was A Thing.

But even without knowing about the emotional element, I had enough faith in her that I didn’t want to call her abusive. I was young and naive and, frankly, too proud of my emotional resilience to acknowledge how much she flat-out HURT me. Even PHYSICALLY!

This bitch slapped me any time she didn’t like what I said. Sometimes multiple times in a row. (I’m not talking about a butt swat or a pat either, I’m talking like winding back and backhanding me across the face.) She held my hands against the wall so hard I’d have bruises. Stomped me into a corner and pinned me there with her face a centimeter away from mine and SCREAMED. Spat on me. Chased me around the house until I was literally hiding from her. Threw things at me. 

(The actual answer is that she didn’t do it “often enough”, that I wasn’t “broken” enough by her behavior because I stayed strong and defiant, that she had brainwashed me into believing her actions really were my fault. And, like I said: I was too proud to admit she hurt me. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to “give her that power over me” and accept that I had PTSD from her treatment. Even though the real truth is, a parent ALWAYS has “power” over a child, whether that child likes it or not. That’s just basic psychology.)

But it makes my heart ache so desperately for others, because if someone as self-aware and introspective as ME, with enough perspective to know people CAN control their actions even in the heat of emotion, if even I thought her behavior was genuinely in response to, well, my whole existence, even if I was able to accept and come to peace with the fact that we were “incompatible”... Then what about the people who DON’T know those things? What about the children who don’t know how to separate their actions from someone else’s reaction? What about the children who can’t make peace with never receiving love from their parental figures? What about the children who haven’t realized that an abuser’s action IS NOT their FAULT?

It’s truly disgusting that abusers really do pin the blame on their victims.

And I really wish I’d known that it didn’t make ME any less of a person for being an abuse victim. I knew she was cruel to me, I knew it wasn’t justified, and I knew she was... unnecessarily harsh. But I wish I’d had the strength and flexibility that I could admit to MYSELF how much it had hurt, and I wish I’d had the emotional flexibility to.... give myself a break.

(I was in survival mode, of course. I couldn’t let it get to me. I couldn’t escape her, so I did what I had to survive. Oftentimes, I talked myself into being strong. And I had friends I could talk to about her, friends I could be vulnerable with, friends I trusted and eventually opened up to. Kara and Eri.... Mags and RNO, though I don’t think they’re around. But there are kids who don’t have someone they can talk to, even online. And that made a world of difference...)

I have to stop talking about this because it’s making me feel sick.

But it means the world to me whenever someone believes me about her abuse, because it took me so long to accept it myself.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

Well, stepmother’s on a complainy yelly rampage again.

Good thing I have food and water stashed in my room, because quite frankly I just don’t want to be around her when she’s like this, not even to get food.

“Fun” fact: she’s mad at the cat for p*king, when it’s literally not the cat’s fault? We’ve had them on better food and they didn’t get sick from it. I’ve explained to her how the ingredients and protein/carb ratios seriously affect a sensitive cat’s gut, and we’ve had them on better food that actually worked for Belle. But she randomly decided that food was too expensive and only second-to-bottom-shelf food is acceptable (even though they feed the dog Freshpet, which is the most expensive food you can put a dog on around here??). So it’s actually her own fault the cat’s getting sick off this food. But god help you if you ever point that out.

Oh yeah, and she just HAD to throw in there that if “we” end up moving, us three kids aren’t going to be accommodated and the house is only going to be big enough for her and my father. Even though none of us are in a position where we can live on our own. (And though I wouldn’t mind living with my sister, my brother doesn’t have a job right now. He had one lined up, but Covid happened and so Cedar Point isn’t open until who-knows-when. That’s also very much not HIS fault, but she’s picking at him for it anyways.)

She’s just spiraling and ranting and absolutely none of it is even worth getting upset about. And she’s not going to do anything about what she’s unjustifiably upset over, anyways.

It’s really just exhausting to even listen to.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

Hoh. Triggered. I want to fucking SCREAM.

Stepmother, screaming, to interrupt one of my siblings: “LET ME FINISH WHAT I’M SAYING!”

F u c k i n g .   H y p o c r i t e .

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

tl;dr I need to eat (more than “want” to), but stepmother is downstairs throwing a fit about people not magically knowing what she expects of us nor achieving her astronomically high expectations, and having a pity party that I know she’ll direct at anyone who passes.

I was... really badly Tormented by my body all of yesterday, only tried eating A Little Bit Twice, and... let’s just say I might as well have not eaten at all.;;

But, I think I can eat now. 

Problem is, all I have in my room is popcorn (which I should handle okay, albeit devoid of nutrition), and these protein things that have juuust too much spice on them to risk eating After a Day like That.

All the rice, fruit, veggies, yogurt, cereal, and anything else I could use to make a Healthy but Easily-Handled meal for myself is downstairs.

So is my stepmother. And for the past TWO HOURS, she has been going off on this tirade about every little thing that she sees that Isn’t Perfectly Coifed and Cleaned and Sparkling. Attacking people, saying things that are inaccurate, untrue, and don’t even qualify as “generalizations” because they’re Not True at ALL. And just LISTENING to her, I’m irritated and wanting to snip back at her. Having her confront me when I’m in this state would.... not end well.

On top of everything: I’m dreading existence right now because this is the week I fucked myself and committed to covering 3 extra shifts at work, which means I’ll be working a grand total of 66 FUCKING HOURS. (After feeling like THIS, no less......) Every single issue with my body and mind/heart have been flaring REALLY badly, paralyzingly badly. (Some of them can be... mitigated. But fighting against them is leaving me exhausted, hurting, and short of patience.)

She’s going to try either asking, yelling, or forcing me to do “””chores””” that I legitimately can not handle right now. (Scrubbing the kitchen floor? My back, neck, and shoulders are in so much constant pain from work. Cleaning the bathroom? Fresh phobia memories. Scrubbing literally anything? I can’t handle the smell of chemical cleaners, too exhausting, and I’m already in so much pain...)

trying to explain to her how badly I’m hurting will just end in name-calling and attacks.

.....come to think of it, i might also have applesauce and baby food leftover from my last trip, so maybe i’ll just make a meal out of those;;