#riverdale season finale

[thevoidscreamer]

the end of riverdale got me literally crying T^T

[mintysneezes]

I wanna go back in time to sit in the riverdale writing room when they greenlit the line “it’s not queerbaiting, we’re saving the world”

[necromimetics]

[livelovecaliforniadreams]

[sethcohnn]

THEY NEVER LEAVE THE 50’S??

[jupitermelichios]

so you've probably seen the news that riverdale ended with the main 4 in an actual, canonical, poly relationship

and that's amazing for a bunch of reasons, including the fact that the number of canon poly relationships on tv are miniscule and also it brings the number of canonically straight main cast members down to 1. Ethel is legitimately the show's token straight representation. love that for her

but to get the full impact of that news, you really also need to know that in order for the polycule to form:

Jughead's transdimensional angel girlfriend has to destroy multiple other timelines to create a new stable timeline for the polycule to live in. timelines destroyed include the one where jughead is immortal and trapped forever in a bunker underneath riverdale, and one where tony and fangs's magical timetravelling gay baby is fighting an evil wizard for control of a train full of evil ghosts

Jughead's magical transdimensional angel girlfriend then returns to the newly created main timeline, and restores the main cast's memories of all the other timelines, which she does by forcing them to watch the show riverdale. That is not a joke or a metaphor she even goes to the trouble to bring a colour tv back to the 1950s so they can watch in colour, except for Clay and Julian, because they did not exist in any of the previous timelines and they're sad about it and refuse to watch a show they're not in.

(Well, Julian technically did exist in the original timeline, but only as a ghost possessing a haunted doll, which doesn't really count)

(Also for some reason as well as the main cast, she makes dilton doily watch it, despite his only contributions to the show being a) dying as a human sacrifice in the og timeline, b) trying to blow up the planet and then dying because of it in the rivervale timeline, and c) gay kevin telling people he has the biggest dick in the 1950s tlmeline, and honestly, I feel like it would be kinder to just not show him any of that)

(ethel does not get to watch riverdale, because she did the only sensible thing any riverdale character has ever done and fucked off to a normal town to have an actual life, because as well as being the token straight character, she's also the token sane one)

After watching Riverdale, all of the main cast except Jughead and Betty decide it sucks and they hate it, and ask tabby to rewipe their memories and only give them the cute bits and not all the serial killers and shit, because the writers have run out of time for subtle metaphors and they weren't sure the audience had fully grasped that the entirely last season of the show is a weird metacommentary on the criticisms people have of the show riverdale so they're just straight up going to have archie andrews look straight to camera and say that the show should have been more like the comics

also I have no idea how only showing them the happy bits works, because that removes 90% of the entire plot so I assume they just have a bunch of completely out of context sex scenes and meals at the diner and nothing else. possibly also some musical numbers, idk if I'd count those as happy memories personally

Betty and Jug chose to keep their memories of the Gargoyle King and Betty's 2 long-lost secret gay serial killer brothers because they're edgy (and also because the writers are annoyed at all the people who say the show should be more like the comics, so they have the smartest characters say they liked the actually and everyone else is being a wimp about all the serial killers, because again, we have run out of time for subtlety)

Having had his memories restored, Jug's like "oh hi tabitha, my secret transdimensional angel girlfriend, I haven't seen you for months, I've really missed you. I'm so glad you're you're back. i love you so much"

And she responds by telling him that she'd chosen to write herself out of the timeline when she fixed in, and she has to return to the great big diner in the sky (not a joke, heaven is a diner in the riverdale universe and, it is heavily implied, also in our universe, so that's something to look forward to), so she freezes time halfway through kissing him and just nopes out of time and space. which is also how I would handle all break ups if I had angel powers tbh

since jug is now single, and all 4 of them just got multiple timeline's worth of fucking one another mainlined straight into their brains, the main 4 decide to all start dating

(they are probably inspired to do this in part by betty's sister, who in the new timeline is a burlesque performer who's stage name is Polly Amorous)

As far as I can tell from the last episode, they tell gay kevin about this and literally no one else, for reasons known only to themselves

also genuinely can't tell if this was the writers wanting a poly relationship for them, or if they just couldn't be bothered with the internet slap fights that would have followed them picking individual monogomous ships to be endgame

they also, hilariously, refuse to say that archie and jug are dating, I assume due to network restrictions, despite archie being canonically bi at this point, so betty's just like 'well sometimes I go to veronica's and we fuck, and the boys do... something we're not going to talk about'

the final episode of the show is a flash forward where as a now old betty is dying, jughead's ghost shows her memories of their teens, in which it's reveal that she has just straight up forgotten about being in a poly relationship

literally she looks at her teen self and is like "wow, I seem weirdly close to veroica jughead and archie" and Jug's ghost has to be like "because we were dating. how do you not remember that we were dating? what the hell? did I mean nothing to you?!"

also old betty specifically seeks out reggie and is like "hey you know how me and you dated, and you and veronica were together for years in multiple timelines, and you archie keep declaring your undying love for one another and nearly fucking, well we're all dating and we specifically decided not to invite you, sucks to be you" and walks away and I have no idea why she did it. justice for reggie

anyway RIP to the greatest television show ever made, it was so gay and so deranged and so meta, and there really will never be anything quite like it again

[riverdale-retread]

Cackling at the realization that Cheryl asking, "Are you scared, Jason?" is the first line of dialogue spoken in Riverdale, ever. Jason shakes his head, but he should be. Immediately after that he is killed (his dad shoots him), buried in a watery grave, discovered, buried in soil, hallucinated by Jughead AND Cheryl, dug up, mummified, hauled around by Cheryl, partially eaten by a rat, buried again, dug up again, worshipped by his mother as a god, cremated, is in heaven the whole time, resurrected, then killed a second time (Cheryl sets him on fire).

[ashisinsuperhell]

you're laughing, roberto aguirre-sacasa canonically nuked pretty little liars from existence by deleting all the timelines in the riverdale universe and you're laughing

[bettycooper]

It’s been a pleasure and an honor to sit amongst you all for this truly wild 7 season Riverdale ride.

I’ll see you all there for the second round of madness when the Riverdale resurgence happens & it gets declared a “misunderstood cult classic.”

[james-stark-the-writer]

feel like pure shit, just want her back

[followtheechoes]

just watched the riverdale finale. keep in mind that I watched season 1 and the first couple episodes of season 2 and then abandoned ship. I do not know character names for new characters. I'm also kind of curious if the gang exists anymore and if so what place they have in the 1950s timeline

[gr8rockstarrox]

Riverdale writers: Oh fuck, how do we solve a love quadrangle?

*Polyamory enters the chat*

Polyamory: 🥰

[mintysneezes]

RIVERDALE, HAVING A CHARECTER CALL SOMETHING QUEERBAITING DOES NOT MAKE YOU PUTING JUST THE KISS IN THR TRAILER NOT QUEERBAITING BWAHAHAHAAHA

[claire8216]

I can’t believe Riverdale started out as just a murder-mystery show

[thedragonqueens]

Choni is endgame I couldn't be happier

[satelliteinasupernova]

Not (again) to do the work for riverdale, but presumably the mysterious Jughead from the end of the finale is bunker!Jughead who has been writing the story in hopes of giving everyone a happy resolution to their stories/lives, right?