#roy mustang retire bitch

[clonerightsagenda]

Roy Mustang's manga introduction is learning a 14 year old is trapped on a hijacked train with a violent criminal and going "oh thank God I was worried I'd have to do my job today"

[presumenothing]

fmab (+03) fic masterlist

because even i’m starting to lose track of what i’ve posted so far. all writing is eventually crossposted to ao3, individual tumblr posts linked below the cut because it’s lengthy as hell 

(this is like 85% post-promised day fic with the occasional canon-divergence au for flavour, ft lots of resembool kids, riza, and roy. basically gen with near-zero ship content because that’s how i roll)

update: total wordcount has now broken 20k 25k 30k 35k 40k 45k(!!!!) 

update 2: now with crumbs of 03 content because yeehaw

april

“Actually, Winry – can you do something for me?” 

“Lieutenant. Would you ever consider learning alchemy?”

“I guess I just – want to figure out who I am. Me, not the Fullmetal Alchemist.”

Besides, the scars on his palms have been – pardon his language – hurting like a bitch ever since he woke to this gloomy weather this morning.

Ishval had given him plenty of practice at that soldier’s art of taking even the lightest of naps whenever circumstances permitted.

[au] Ed has never had reason to hate how swiftly his mind works, not until now.

It’s just simple clerical error that leads to Edward Elric retaining his title and pay as a State Alchemist, even after the Promised Day. No, really.

may

He’s just tired, not about to collapse.

These days Ed’s journals are actual proper travelogues, no coded shit or anything.

[au] It doesn’t even start until after they arrive in Resembool. 

(can’t have been the more socially-adjusted brother, obviously.)

[au] “I don’t,” Ed bites out, “know any damn alchemists.”

Maes raises an eyebrow and sloshes his near-empty cup pointedly. 

august

[wip] “Is this about Al, or you?”

“–of course I know these aren’t the most efficient routes!”

Ed seriously considers dyeing his hair more than once, in the After.

Winry only needs a glimpse of red to know what it must be.

Rush Valley talks. Winry listens.

Much as Al loves his brother to itty-bitty-and-very-shouty pieces,

The first time someone mistakes Al for the Fullmetal Alchemist, 

+ The thing is, Al gets it.  

“Brother told me that you told him about Ishval,” Alphonse says.

It’s an honest observation – as honest as he can ever get, at least –

[au] In another world, she is never named the Hawk’s Eye.

“Somehow I doubt your place is much better, sir.”

would it be the most impossible thing to have happened to the Elrics?

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell us,” Ed growls,

a minimum age limit on all candidates for the State Alchemist exam.

“There’s gotta be a shark somewhere around.”

The Elrics make transmuting without circles look easy.

The problem, if Riza is to put it into words,

Al completely botches the first dozen or so transmutations

(Ed? Talking about automail? Over food?)

[au] in the end it’s Al who really takes after their father.

“Fullmetal realising his celebrity status? Woe betide us,”

The tea is actually well-made, first of all, not burnt 

“Not like– I mean, personal about me, not you!” 

[au] “Huh,” Al says.

Still less work than getting entropy-murdered by Olivier, he decides.

[au] It’s not every dead person that he sees.

[au] They weren’t even meant to stop in Resembool.

Jean just wants to make one thing – okay, a few things – very clear.

Ed knows this firsthand from too much Winry exposure.

The lump on the couch lets out a string of wholly intelligible noises.

september

“Take me out to dinner,” Riza says.

“We’re not even in Amestris, though.”

[au] Riza had been angry too, when she had let herself be, but hers is a cold ire, locked beneath glaciers and the burn of frostbite. Wrath makes no such pretences.

[outline] But in the case of Fullmetal – more specifically in the case of Fullmetal and Youswell – Roy mostly wishes he could unknow things.

[au] Roy forces enough air into his lungs to get the words out. “You’re dead.”

[outline…?] winry’s gonna like this, al says.

Alphonse flaps a hand. “Oh, because it’s complete bullshit.”

“Y’know, you really aren’t that tall, Brother.”

getting to finally keep a cat hadn’t been very high on his list of priorities.

[au] “Edward. Get out of here, take Envy with you.”

[wtnv au] “Welcome to Resembool.” 

october

just because you’re immortal doesn’t mean you can’t die from food poisoning, young man.

[au snippet] It’s sort of a belief, in the eastern parts of Amestris,

[03] Al’s hug is the first real thing he’s felt in years.

[03] Never thought you were, Ed retorts lightly, and lets Alfons turn away with a huff.

“When you said to come visit you in Rush Valley this is not what I was expecting!”

(and jeez, only Ed would manage to make it necessary to keep a kit on hand for actual minor-to-major catastrophes during a semi-honeymoon trip)

november

[03] Except the sight of his brother only serves to make everything worse, for once.

[au] The worst thing about this is that it’s not even equivalent. 

[au] “You wanna know why? The real reason, not the quantum bullshit I fed Mustang.” (+ more in the tag)

[snippet] And just for that I won’t be leaving Wrath any.

“I shall finally exact the decisive vengeance that I have always dreamed of,” Scar booms right back before Armstrong can even ask, 

Al knows from the moment he wakes up that it’s going to be a good day.

[snippets] The real disaster comes when Ed learns how to weaponise his height.

[03 au] The man in the brown overcoat. That’s all anyone ever seems able to recall of Edward.

[au] They say the Elric house is haunted. Of course. Empty houses are always haunted.

Of course, this assumes that said person is an alchemist of some ability, and that said life has been one of some loss and strife. 

“Are you alright? Nod for yes, swear at me for no.”

from the intervening pause he surmises Riza is jotting something down on the notepad she keeps by the phone.

She’s been looking forward to the day when her hair finally gets long enough to – well, no longer be short.

“Remind me of this the next time I decide to trust Ling any further than I can throw him.” ( + xing tag)

december

Ed’s almost twenty when he realises that Hawkeye must’ve been around his age when she was deployed to Ishval.

[au] At least this far out from Amestris Ed could mostly brush the first one off as an interplanetary translation fuckup.

bonus textposts and assorted nonsense

the Better Alchemist™️

on the topic of ed’s scrawl

al, defender of cat

*csi miami theme but with cats*

on the topic of flat affect + 200000% turbo by default

on the topic of pain tolerance + further thoughts

ed @ mustang’s problem solving skills

ok but about liore…

terrible TERRIBLE ideas (three of them)

putting the SHORT in SHORT-TEMPERED

clap reflex

you’re retired, ed, r e t i r e d

and by “ambidextrous” i mean “confused”

protip: you can’t

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH (aka csi miami theme, riza redux)

feral ducklings, the continuation(??)

does THIS count as elric telepathy

honestly, y’all

too much fire?? sounds fake

on the topic of academia

sometimes the stars align

on the topic of riza hawkeye

terrible idea, berthold version

immortal troubles

THE CHURCH OF EDWARD ELRIC

PRIDE (& WRATH): one, two, three (4koma)

objectively the worst post-cos timeline

serious stuff: fma drama cd, daughter of dusk

asks: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 aka izumi pwns roy, 9 aka not coffeeshop au, 10 aka legalities, 11 aka autograph woes

[bleedingcoffee42]

Cliche Cop AU

“Two more months.”   King Bradley looked at the map of Central City on the wall and then turned to the large wall calendar beside it where he was crossing off the days with a red Sharpie.  “Two more months until I retire.   Then I can spend my days wearing tacky Hawaiian shirts in my backyard and watching my son grow up.  Dance with my beautiful wife in the kitchen as she cooks lunch, then maybe sneak into the bedroom for a dance between the sheets....”

“Captain, did you want something or....”

Bradley whipped around and gave the man sitting in front of his desk a cold eye.   “I want you to stop pissing me off with your lone wolf bullshit, Mustang!   I'm sick of hearing it from the Chief about you!”

Roy Mustang sighed, unaffected by his boss's tirade and he casually took out his pocket watch to check the time.  “Sir, if this isn't a official reprimand and you're not going to ask for my badge and gun...I do have a report to finish.”

Bradley shook his head.  Two months.   He just had to last two more damned months and he could be sipping fruity alcoholic cocktails poolside while Selim screamed about tentacle monsters attacking him in the pool.   “Yeah, I do want something.  You're getting a new partner.”

Roy sat up in the chair and his voice dropped an octave as he replied, “I work alone.”

“You work with who I say you work with and as punishment for the off the books undercover shit you've been doing, I'm giving you a partner you and I will absolutely hate.” Bradley said.   Two months. God he hope he could last that long.   “Fucking loose cannon, costs this city more in property damages than all the crime combined, but at least I'll know where you two are when the Chief asks.”

Roy watched as Bradley tossed the Central Times at him, the newspaper frisbeed at his head and was clearly intended to do so.  He hadn't looked at the news in months, his focus had been on finding the person who murdered his partner and that required undercover work.  Also lots of sex, for comfort and information.   His sleep deprived eyes focused on the picture first, some smiling  punk in a hoodie flashing his badge as the Church of Leto burned behind him.  Headline read, Hero of the people, Det. Edward Elric, takes down Father Cornello.  “Is this kid even old enough to drive?”

“Elric!” Bradley hollered and waited for the door to his office to open. When it did, in swaggered a blond who looked like he belong in a boy band and not the police precinct.   Retirement was looking so far away.   “Meet your new partner.   Roy Mustang, this is Edward Elric.  Before you ask, yes this decision is final and I’m not beyond suspending both of you for two months so I can enjoy this job in peace and quiet.   That and nobody else wants to work with either of you so it seemed a great fit.”

Before Roy could say anything a file folder landed in his lap, from Bradley.

“Here is your next case.  Get out.”  Bradley said and sat down and savored the look on their faces as they sized each other up and tried to figure each other out.  It was like watching a documentary on how animals establish pecking orders in the wild.   Elric tried to stand up tall, which amounted to him looking Mustang in the chin, and Mustang glared at him and held the folder tight making sure the seniority was established here.   Then Elric slipped out the door before Mustang could, knocking the folder out of his hand and starting the partnership off with a string of curses as paperwork flew everywhere.   He smiled, this...this was justice.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Author Note: I wanted to read a Buddy Cop AU where it's all the cliche 90's era cop film shit, I don’t know if it exists.  So here is an AU:  Roy as the 'Broody and bitter bitch who works alone because his partner was killed in action and he blames himself and he's gonna bring that bastard to justice".  Ed as the "loose canon who causes millions of dollars in property damages and somehow brings down the bad guy who he wasn't even looking for."    Bradley as the Police Captain who "just has two more months to retirement and I need you fuckers to behave."    Kimblee as the "Don't fucking hate me cause I work in internal affairs and do my job but also I might be the bad guy afterall.  Who knows".   Havoc and Hawkeye as the "Swat team badasses who everyone grumbles about because we just shoot the bad guys instead of letting them have long winded speeches about their motives and ten minute gun fights that could have been avoided by just shooting first".And of course Roy and Ed are paired up as partners "cause nobody else will work with you"    Please suggest more cliches as there is only so much one person can come up with.  *swanky saxophone music plays*  

[clonerightsagenda]

I have beaten this dead horse before, but since that Hughes post is going around and I don't want people thinking I am defending Roy Mustang of all people: Roy could've stopped.

Armstrong had a mental breakdown and refused to keep fighting, and he got shipped home. Sure, he was passed over for promotions, but he wasn't court martialed, or discharged, or even kicked out of the state alchemist program (that's their human sacrifice pipeline, after all). Except for Wrath and Olivier, no one even seems to judge him for it. Roy could've said no. Hell, he could've 'accidentally' gotten injured - someone even mentions at one point that an alchemist who lost a leg is lucky, because he can go home.

The primary rationalization for why he didn't is because of his political ambitions, that he has to see this through if he wants to ascend to the highest ranks in the government and prevent it from happening again. But a) he doesn't describe that plan until the end of the conflict, and it seems to have been inspired by conversations he had with fellow soldiers after all the murder and b) even if he was thinking that way from the beginning, it's a callous tradeoff that places him over thousands of lives. He's the only one good enough and smart enough and pure of heart enough to lead the government correctly. Even his plan to execute himself for war crimes is narcissistic - it's a grand gesture about him, not bothering to consider whether removing one of the only high ranking officials who's vocally against further genocide from play is a good long term strategy. And god forbid we ask the Ishvalan people what their idea of appropriate justice would be.

With this in mind I suppose it's fitting that he accepts the philosopher's stone made out of Ishvalan lives in order to help him achieve his political ambitions. He's been sacrificing their lives for his goals already. But it suggests he failed to learn or grow in the end.

[clonerightsagenda]

I *do* think everyone involved in the Ishvalan genocide needs to face justice but I also don’t know how likely it is that a few people with regrets can change an entire country’s attitudes toward those events enough to make a full war crimes trial possible... but whether or not they manage to pull that off I think the Ishvalans have got to be at the table because Roy “sorry for burning you all to death” Mustang has never given much indication he ever asked any of them for their input on how to make things right

[clonerightsagenda]

I don't necessarily want Roy Mustang to be executed, but I DO want him to put his money where his mouth is and go on trial for war crimes.

Yeah. If his goal is really to help the Ishvalan people, and his sentiment doesn’t seem to be widely shared (Bradley is still a popular leader despite giving the extermination order, so clearly a lot of the population can shrug off genocide) dying doesn’t do them much good. It comes across as narcissism more than anything else - let me make a big display of how bad I feel about this instead of sticking around to do anything about it.

I do believe the people involved need to face justice. Given the militarized society though I wonder how long it would take to get laws and sentiments shifted enough that such a trial could even take place... also, based on the current societal structure said trial would probably be a court-martial, which means it’s being judged by the system that caused the atrocities rather than the people who were victimized. My take is that the fairest outcome would be for Ishvalan representatives to weigh in and say, “Ok, if you’re really sorry, this is what you can do” instead of him deciding for them what’s best. Restorative justice, baby. 

(Also I think I’ve said this before but I’d imagine in a country where they used condemned prisoners to make philosopher’s stones, capital punishment might be a kind of fraught issue moving forward.)

[clonerightsagenda]

dude1818

Roy: state alchemists must be punished Scar: gonna kill some state alchemists Roy: but I'm a state alchemist! Surprisedpikachu.png

Not so big on owning up to your crimes now huh Roy

[clonerightsagenda]

in the OG FMA movie Conqueror of Shamballa, it's shown Roy is living in self imposed exile while still working with the military and not using his alchemy, he lost his eye to the fight with Pride. i still think the original is neat even if it's plot is all over the place.

See as much as 03 sounds like it would not be my jam, I can respect that! Like, I totally appreciate the idea that ‘even if you can never make up for your crimes, that’s no excuse not to try to put some good out into the world’ but insisting that the only way to do that is to climb the ladder and become the supreme leader just reeks of grandstanding. There are other ways to effect change. And for gods sake stop burning people alive. 

[clonerightsagenda]

I don't think Roy should've gotten his vision back the way he did, but I'd stop short of saying he shouldn't as punishment for his crimes. He does deserve to be punished, but disability as a punishment/mark of wickedness can be an ableist narrative. Instead, I think it's odd from a thematic standpoint. The Truth's goal seems to be to deter alchemists from viewing alchemy as the fix for all their problems, instead teaching them to value their human connections. Ed loses his limbs, and Winry makes him new ones. Al loses his body, but his brother binds him to a temporary one and keeps his flesh one alive. Izumi can't have children but instead adopts some. Roy follows this pattern by having Hawkeye lend him her eyes. Those who do get parts of what they lost back do so out of the selfless acts of another. In contrast, Roy gets his vision back by exploiting the tortured souls of people he helped wipe off the map, without any input by surviving members of their ethnic group. To follow the pre-existing pattern, it would have been more fitting for him to get his eyesight back only if someone else made a willing trade for it.

[clonerightsagenda]

Following up on my snide tags on this post because I was thinking about it more and the dude's “master plans” really tend to involve a lot of destructive narcissism even when he spins it as self-sacrificial. I’m gonna tuck this under a cut because it’s just take # whatever of Kat Bitches About Fantasy Politics like every time I reread Tortall and decide the only reason the books have Kel be bffs with the future monarchs is because otherwise she’d be leading a commoner’s revolt. 

During the war, Roy participates in the murder and medical torture of countless people, including unarmed civilians, while knowing full well that this is wrong. He could have refused to follow orders. That would have had consequences, including court martialing or even potentially execution, but Armstrong only got demoted. He even stayed in the military, probably because State Alchemists are too valuable to get rid of unless they go totally off the rails. Presumably Roy didn't act out in order to preserve his own standing and goals. It's mentioned that Armstrong doesn't get promoted because he's too soft, and Roy's whole goal is to reach the top so he can fix what he perceives to be wrong. Disobeying direct orders and leaving a black mark on his record would impede that progress.

That being said, I don't recall this in the show, but in the print version it's mentioned that regular infantry feel safer with him around, and he's considered the hero of the war. If he dropped out, other members of the military might not be as keen to go into battle. Plus, he's got to be one of the heaviest drivers of the body count, so fighting the war might get harder without him there, which could hurt morale further and also damage public opinion, especially if a respected hero of the battlefield is speaking out and battle is dragging on. There's no way to know, of course, but it's possible his defection could have turned the tide. Instead, he opted to go on slaughtering an entire ethnic group so he could go with his preferred solution: get more power so he personally can be in place to theoretically stop the *next* genocide. 

Similarly, as I alluded to in the tags of that last post and a few liveblog reactions (I get very finicky about this type of shit, ok, sue me), making your plan 'become the leader of the country and have myself executed' is... shortsighted. What happens to the country then? There's no point intentionally rebuilding a nation with foundation stones you intend to dynamite later. Possibly unpopular opinion here, but Roy (along with everyone else's fan faves involved in the genocide campaign) definitely deserves to be punished. He may even deserve death, although that's a type of punishment I tend to oppose for several reasons. But imo, him working that into his plan is more grandstanding focused on public self-flagellation than true justice. It doesn't seem like there's loads of pro-Ishval sentiment in the country or government. Many people don't seem to regret the war. It would be far more beneficial to survivors if those who do regret it use that regret to fuel reconstruction efforts.They may be more motivated than anyone else to actually help out. They can never truly atone for their deeds, but spending the rest of their lives trying would be far more constructive than dying and skipping out on the bill. But again, quietly working in whatever capacity that he can to repair what he’s destroyed wouldn’t be as flashy as becoming supreme leader and then self-destructing, right? 

One justification of this behavior could be that he doesn’t trust anyone else to act honorably while in charge, and the story sort of supports this by showing most of the other members of the government being absolutely horrible, but he was immolating civilians under orders in order to advance his own aims which isn’t wildly honorable either. Plus, if he’s going to kill himself, then someone has to fill that place afterward, so that doesn’t hold up. I know the guy’s strategy often involves acting out and attracting either positive or negative attention to himself as suitable for the situation (making yourself a target in a fight to draw fire vs. cultivating a reputation as a girl-addled idiot) but that doesn’t mean when the populations of countries hang in the balance all your schemes have to center on ‘how can I be the most important person here and then die’. 

The moral of this post is that Roy Mustang is melodramatic and shortsighted and might have been able to severely hinder a genocide if he’d been less convinced Only He Can Stop Corruption In This Very Specific Way He Thought Of And Is Now Set On and if I could I would fight most of the adults in FMA. I would lose to almost all of them but it would be worth it.

[clonerightsagenda]

tasty-salamanders said: It certainly upset 03 Mustang. I can’t actually recall if Mustang ever felt sorry for Ishval in 03? But killing Winry’s parents? Almost drives him to suicide.

#yikes

I suspect in 03 my tag would change from #roy mustang retire bitch to  #roy mustang die bitch

[clonerightsagenda]

Now that you're done watching the series, who's your favorite fmab character and why?

It usually takes me some time to select a favorite character.  I’m very indecisive.  Plus, I have to let everything marinate in my mind.  Currently, then, I can give you a list of characters I enjoyed for various reasons.

I did mention I can relate a lot to Ed, because I’m also short, blond, angry, ready to argue with fundamental laws of reality if I think they’re unfair, and the weak bitch who’s not down with murder.  However, I am cautious instead of reckless, and I never could have looked the other way the way he did earlier about the military.  I was writing letters about global warming to the president when I was like six because I read about it in Ranger Rick.

Al did like three things wrong in his entire life and was a real sweetheart, so you can’t not like him.  Even if the kid’s solution every time things went bad was “sacrifice yourself”.

Izumi was fun.  

I enjoyed making fun of the flame alchemist.  I always like having a punching bag. Roy Mustang retire bitch.

I can’t not relate to Hawkeye the exhausted second in command who keeps having to babysit her reckless boss.  This is so much part of my life now that Gill made some character with those traits and went hey Kat it’s you.  And I’m glad she’s ready to shoot him if he fucks up.

Scar had a good character arc.  Not saying that the oppressed have to help their oppressors in times of peril, but it made sense for him and his story specifically.  Especially since it was less the entire nation and more the people in charge who were playing everyone.

Ling probably wins the award for the character who grew the most on me. Initially I was like ‘who the fuck is this’, similar to my feelings when the Alphas showed up and I just wanted the Betas back. Gill was the first to compare him to the Tiffany Aching school of “use being selfish to be a good leader”, and he did earn that at the end. He and Greed were probably the most clear proof of Hohenheim’s claims that you have to understand all the sins in order to be really human.  They’re not bad in moderation necessarily. (This is also why by St. Augustine’s logic I ain’t human. I’m missing Lust. Although I guess I lust after good bread recipes and books. Is that greed though? Man idk.) His whole weird fusion thing was pretty fun. rip Greed, you became slightly less of a douche, even if you were totally down with voring all the souls of Amestris because you wanted a friend.

Hohenheim had the kind of fucked up backstory that’s alluded to just enough to be interesting to think about.

Winry was a relatively painless requisite love interest.  I was kind of hoping she would play more a part in the finale, since pretty much the entire cast pitched in.  Oh well.