#sad thinking about Viktor hours on this Sunday morning

[bringthekaos]

On a more serious note i remember taking a screenshot of each time Viktor is like. *Looking* at the Hexcore and. Man. Stop looking at it as if its your wife or like your drug. Its scary. Please return to being normal. I can’t believe Jayce never noticed how concerning it was

I truly believe, had he not been forced into politics against his will, and was spending his usual amount of time in the lab, Jayce would have noticed. I feel like the “are you sure this is safe” line was even hinting at his worry about the risks Viktor was taking with the Hexcore.

I also think that whatever this influence is that the Hexcore is exuding onto Viktor (whether it’s the Void or not)… it’s sentient. It knows it needs to keep itself secret if it wants to continue to put its feelers in Viktor’s psyche, and as such, I feel like it started to manipulate Viktor’s behavior. Viktor already had a tendency to pull away from people when he was struggling (“he disappeared. He does that sometimes”), so it wouldn’t have been that much of a stretch for this habit to get worse without people around him noticing (especially in the wake of his terminal diagnosis—everyone has a different reaction to a terminal diagnosis, and sometimes solitude is one of them. Jayce may have wanted to respect that. And that’s a slippery slope, with no right answer—do you force yourself into someone’s personal life when they don’t want you there? Do you leave them alone, even when it’s clear they’re hurting and could use the support? I can understand how they end up in a sort of stalemate, because everyone is afraid of encroaching on boundaries.)

But the sad truth is that Viktor’s desperation to save himself is what drove him to these extreme measures, and even without the Hexcore’s influence, that desperation would still be there. The Hexcore was his hope, and I understand how hope—even when flawed—can be addicting. At that point, there would have been no going back to “being normal,” because either way he’d suffer. He truly is backed into a corner, and the inevitable snarling, gnashing, lashing-out rage at the injustice is yet to come, I think.

[bbyx]

ripple effect - part four

Summary: During her fourth year at Hogwarts, (y/n) Deauxville falls for none other than Cedric Diggory. But it's not easy when you have to deal with protecting your family's fortune, keeping your father's illness a secret and having two of your closest friends catch feelings for you.

Pairings : reader x cedric, reader x draco, reader x harry

"(y/n), my dad wants to know if you want to come over for the rest of the summer?" Ron asks, running after you as you near the portkey station.

"Really?"

You had heard all about the Burrow from your friends over the years. It sounded like a wonderful place. You had been friends with the so-called "golden trio" since your first year at Hogwarts but it was hard to really get close to them because of your different houses.. You were overcome with joy because this invitation meant that they enjoyed spending time with you as much as you did with them.

"Yeah, my dad agrees with us, you shouldn't spend your last two weeks of school alone in a big manor."

"I would love to!"

When (y/n) arrives at the Burrow, the first she notices is how cheerful and welcoming it looks in the dawn light. Then she notices a little woman with the signature ginger Weasley hair burst out of the front door and sprint towards Mr.Weasley.

"Oh Arthur- I've been so worried- so worried"

She then seizes the twins and gives them the tightest hug.

"Ouch! Mum, you're strangling us!"

The woman then goes on into a rant about how she shouted before they left and would never be able to forgive herself if anything happened. You couldn't help but smile at how wholesome the entire exchange was. Then the woman glances at you and is taken aback.

"Hi! Mrs.Weasley i'm (y/n) Deauxville, i've heard so-"

She cut you off excitedly.

" You're (f/n)'s daughter. Your father and I went to Hogwarts together. You look just like him with that hair! How is he these days?"

"He's alright. He's decided to take a couple years to travel around Europe and expand his business now that me and my brother are old enough to look after ourselves." You lie while flashing her an extra bright smile.

"Good for him! You know, your father was quite the charmer during his Hogwarts day, In fact he used to date my best friend at the time, Cassidy Blavatsky, and -"

She dove headfirst into a story about your father serenading a girl next to the black lake while she ushered you into the kitchen. Fred and George grab the newspaper from Mr. Weasley's hands. The group argues about a false article concerning the death eater attack published by Rita Skeeter.

"Blimey, Ron, looks like (y/n)'s stolen the love of your life." George says, staring at the paper, hiding a smile.

"Always knew those bulgarians had a thing for veelas." Fred comments, his eyes never leaving the newspaper. You yank it out of your twin's hands.

"The fuck are you talking about?"

Your eyes scan the paper until you find it. It's that picture that Rita Skeeter took of you and Krum shaking hands after the game. Below it reads:

HAS BULGARIAN QUIDDITCH STAR FALLEN FOR REAL ESTATE HEIRESS?

After his defeat last Sunday, Viktor Krum was spotted canoodling with millionaire (f/n) Deauxville's daughter. Witnesses say that they saw her trying to cheer the seeker up after Bulgaria's staggering loss . Miss Deauxville is currently in her fourth year at Hogwarts while Viktor Krum is in his last year at Durmstrang. The Daily Prophet has reached out but both of them have declined to comment on the matter. Could this be the wizarding world's new power couple? Stay tuned for more information.

"You've got to be kidding me! I'm going to fucking murder her!"

"Murder who?" Harry says as he grabs the paper from your clenched fists.

"Rita Skeeter. She's the one who wrote this bullshit article."

"That picture looks pretty real to me." Ron asks, eyebrows slightly raised. You glance at Harry and he looks hurt, you brush it off.

He's probably just tired.

"Yes, but all we did was shake hands after the game. Everyone was shaking hands with everyone and I was trying to get out of there and-"

Hermione cuts you off.

"You don't have to explain yourself (y/n), we believe you." You smile relieved.

"Mrs Weasley, Hedwig hasn't delivered any letters, has she?" Harry asked.

"No there hasn't been any post at all dear."

Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other then at you. Ron grabs your hand.

"C'mon, let me give you the royal tour."

You head up with them but instead of showing you around they go straight into Ron's attic bedroom.

"What's up, Harry?" says Ron.

"There's something I haven't told you." He starts. "On Saturday morning, I woke up with my scar hurting again."

Ron and Hermione's faces contorted between expressions of terror, shock and worry.

"What scar? It's probably just infected or something." They look at you incredulously.

"Oh shit you mean like the scar!"

"It hurts whenever Harry is near You Know Who." Hermione says.

Ron looks dumbstruck. "But - he wasn't there, was he? You-Know-How? I mean - last time your scar kept hurting, he was at Hogwarts, wasn't he?

"I'm sure he wasn't in Privet drive" Harry said "But I was dreaming about him ... him and Peter - you know Wormtail. I can't remember all of it now, but they were plotting to kill ... someone."

Hermione and Ron looked horrified. You were very lost.

You Know Who? At Hogwarts? Worm tails? Are they high?

They kept talking, forgetting about you. You were lost in thought trying to piece what they had just said together. They said something about Professor Trelawney, a prediction, more about the worm tails and something about being serious. Hermione gasped and dropped Crookshanks. They all looked at you with worried expressions.

" I am being serious." You answer quickly. Ron almost dies trying to stifle his laugh.

"No not serious, Sirius, as in Sirius Black." He chokes back.

"Like the murderer?" You say, confused.

"He's not a murderer! He's my godfather." Harry says defensively.

"What are you talking about Harry?"

He sighs and looks at Hermione and Ron.

"I reckon we should tell her." Ron answers.

" Tell me what?"

Harry starts "Well,um, last year, you remember Profesor Lup-"

Hermione interrupts him. "No, Harry, you have to start from the very beginning."

For the next two hours, you sit barely saying a word as they recount their adventures from the past three years. When they finish, Harry slightly shakes your shoulder.

" You okay (y/n)?"

"Yeah, yes i'm okay it's just a lot to take in." You answer shakily.

"Yeah um sorry for dumping all that on you" Harry says looking straight into your eyes.

" No, I'm honored that you would trust me with all of this. But why? I mean why tell me?"

Ron and Hermione look away from your eyes while Harry blushes.

"No.. um no reason we just wanted to burden you with this information for the rest of your life." He stutters a little bit.

"C'mon Harry let's go play some Quidditch. We can do three on three, Bill and Charlie, Fred and George too. You can try out the Wronski Feint..."

"Ron! Harry doesn't want to play Quidditch! He's worried about Sirius and.. And" Hermione fumbles for words.

" Yeah, I want to play Quidditch!"

She rolls her eyes at him and mutters "Boys".

The last two weeks of summer spent at the Burrow were wonderful. You had grown so much closer to Harry, Ron and Hermione and were almost sad to go back to Hogwarts because it meant seeing them less. As Mrs.Weasley hugs you goodbye on the platform you hear Charlie and Bill mumble something about " it's gonna be an interesting year at Hogwarts".

You, Harry, Ron and Hermione climbed on the train and went hunting for an empty compartment.

Almost as soon as you sit down in your compartment do you hear a familiar snobby voice coming down the hallway.

"...Father considered sending me to Durmstrang rather than Hogwarts you know. He knows the Headmaster..."

The sound of Draco's voice made your blood boil. You were still angry with him about what he had said during the attack at the world cup.

Just then Neville and Seamus walked into your compartment.

"Did you two go to the World Cup?" Ron asks the boys.

Seamus nods and Neville sighs.

"Gran wouldn't let me get tickets."

Seamus pipes up "Hey (y/n) I heard you were dating Krum, think you could get me his autograph."

"Oh god I'd forgotten all about that. Seamus it's not true, just some gossip columnist having some fun."

Seamus looked deeply disappointed.

"We saw him right up close, as well," Ron said. "We were in the Top Box-"

"For the first and last time in your life, Weasley."

Draco slid into the doorway.

"Don't remember asking you to join us Malfoy" Harry said coolly.

"Not here for you Potter I want to speak to (y/n)" He looks at you with those icy grey eyes. " Why aren't you sitting with us? Why are you hanging around these-" He stops.

"What is that?" Draco points to Ron's second hand dress robes draped over Pigwidgeon's cage. He seizes it before Ron has a chance to put it away. Draco, Crabbe and Goyle start making fun of it while poor Ron turns beet red.

You tune it out trying to think of a simpler time when Draco wasn't such an asshole when he says something that catches your attention.

"So... going to enter, Weasley? Going to try and bring a bit of glory to the family name? There's money involved as well, you know... you'd be able to afford some decent robes if you won..."

"What are you talking about?" Snapped Ron.

"Are you going to enter?" Draco continued. " I suppose you will, Potter? Never miss a chance to show off, do you?"

"Either explain or go away, Malfoy." Said Hermione. A flash of delight swept across Draco's face.

"Don't tell me you don't know? You've got a father and a brother at the Ministry and you don't know? My father told me about it ages ago... heard it from Cornelius Fudge himself. But then maybe your father's too junior to know about it, they probably don't talk about important things in front of him. If you really want to know, just ask your dear friend (y/n)."

"Draco, leave." You say looking him straight in the face. His smirk slightly falters and he slides out the compartment. Ron breaks the glass in a fit of anger.

"What was he talking about (y/n)?" Hermione snaps.

" I have no clue, I swear."

"What about that deal with the minister? What did he want?" Harry asks you.

You tell them about the deal, about Fudge's strange words and the ridiculous price they paid. After that the ride was strangely silent. Hermione was reading, Harry was sleeping and Ron was still too furious to speak.

"I'm gonna go see Daphnee and Millicent." You whisper to Hermione.

"Allright, say hello to them for me."

You head down the hallway and hear the voice of the last person you want to see right now, Draco Malfoy. Without thinking, (y/n) throws herself into the nearest compartment and hits someone with her elbow. One of your brother's friends, Jeremy, you think his name is. Red liquid starts seeping out of his nose incredibly fast.

" Merlin! I am so so so sorry. Oh god, is it broken?"

"Ah if it isn't my famous little sister, breaking hearts and noses, I see?" Nick chuckles.

Of all the compartments in this goddamn train, I just had to jump into his.

There are six boys in there: Nick, the unfortunate Jeremy, two seven year Slytherin boys playing wizard chess, one Ravenclaw boy sleeping and Cedric Diggory.

"How's Krum doing, by the way?" One of the Slytherin boys asks, not looking up from his game.

"Bloody Hell!" Jeremy mumbles as blood streams out of his nose.

" You look like a bloody hell." Says the Ravenclaw boy, having just woken up.

"Fuck you, Xavier" Jeremy says while spitting out blood.

" I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?"

"You can start by getting the fuck ou-" Jeremy looks at you in the eyes and stops. His face softens. "Nevermind."

" What are you doing in here anyways?" Asks your brother.

"Hiding." You say quickly.

" He looks like an extra in The Shining, let's get him cleaned up." The Ravenclaw says while yawning. Everyone looks at him for a second before he elaborates.

" It's a muggle horror movie."

All the boys leave the compartment with a trail of blood following them, except Cedric.

" So you and Krum, huh" He huffs.

" Don't tell me you actually believe that crap."

" I don't know, could happen, he's famous and all." Cedric mumbles. Why was he acting like this? What did it matter to him?

"Well it's not happening, all Krum does is sulk and play Quidditch."

"What about our date, is that happening?" He flashes you his signature lopsided grin and your mind blanks.

"Date? What date?" You say slowly as you remember that night and the campfire. "Oh right! I didn't think you were serious about that."

He cocks his head slightly to the side. "What do you mean?"

"I thought it was just a conviennent way to get out of that dare because, you know, i'm part ve-"

"First weekend at Hogsmeade?" Cedric blurts out, giving you a shy smile.

"Sure." You answer while sliding the door open. Something hits you in the back of the head. You pick it up, it's a chocolate frog. You look back up at Cedric who's grinning.

"Heard they're your favourite." He says.

(y/n) laughs.  You're taken aback by his thoughtfulness because chocolate frogs are your absolute favorite candy. "Chocolate frogs are everybody's favourite."

" No, I'm more of a licorice wand type of guy."

You pretend to gag. "Cedric! Ew no. That's disgusting, licorice is horrible. I might have to reconsider this whole date thing." You tease. He shakes his head and smiles.

"But anyways, thank you, for the frog." You walk out and set off trying to find Daphne and Millicent.

Finally you stop at a compartment at the back of the train. As soon as the door slides open a flash of bouncy red hair sweeps you into a hug.

"(y/n)! Where have you been! We thought you missed the train!" Millicent shrieks at you. You peel out of her hug and go over to hug Daphne. You stop when you notice a third girl with thick chestnut hair in the compartment.

"This is my little sister Astoria, she's starting Hogwarts this year." Daphne

" Oh hello Astoria, I've heard all about you. Are you excited about going to Hogwarts?" You offer the girl a welcoming smile. Except for her hair colour, she looked like a clone of Daphne with her cyan blue eyes and her small round mouth.

" Is it true?" The small girl asks, her eyes full of curiosity. Daphne looks slightly embarrassed.

"About Krum? No! God has everyone on the planet read that dumb article?"

"No, about you being a Veela." Astoria says very fast.

"Oh, uh yeah. Well part Veela anyways. My grandma on my dad's side was a Veela."

"That's fascinating." She says dreamily.

"Not really, I can't do any of the cool shit." Daphne shoots you a look. " I mean any of the cool...stuff. I can't turn into a bird creature or" You start waving your hands in an overly mystical way. " Enchant men into falling in love with me. The only thing I got is glossy hair, I guess."

"How tragic!" Millicent snorts sarcastically.

"Sorry (y/n), we saw a Veela on vacation in Germany and my horribly annoying little sister" Daphne says while tickling her sister. " has been obsessed with them ever since."

" Speaking of vacations" You perk up. " How was your summer with the Parkinsons, Milli?"

Millicent turns pale. "Dreadful." She says, over exaggerating every syllable.

"Oh god, say no more." You reply dramatically clutching your chest as the girls burst into laughs.

Millicent's parents had decided to go renew their vows in Tahiti and had left her with Pansy Parkinson's family for the holidays. It wasn't a secret that you and Pansy couldn't stand the sight of each other and you felt terrible that Millicent had been stuck with her all summer.

"Sooo (y/n), I read that article about Viktor Krum and you." Daphnee says with a sly grin.

" You know it's bullshit, right?" You look at her worriedly. All the girls laugh hysterically.

"Of course! I can't believe people actually believe that crap." Daphne gasps between laughs.

" And to make things worse, he is SO not my type." You bleat.

Millicent shakes her head. " I actually think he's quite attractive." Yet again, all the girls start laughing uncontrollably.

The rest of the train ride is giddy and happy as you laugh at Millicent's stories about Pansy and think about Cedric and his perfect lopsided grin just as Hogwarts comes into view.

[paxohana]

How Yuri!!! on Ice Changed My Life

I asked you guys the question earlier today, now it’s my turn to explain.  I’ve been thinking about this for a week now as I’ve had to come to terms with some events from the past year.  Life has changed a lot and most of it I’m happy about.  I’ve had some reminders of things I don’t like, but that’s part of life.  I’m going to throw a keep reading link as this is going to more than likely be a very long read.  Just stick with me. 

The past seven years have been a living hell for me, but none more so than last year.  I started the year out with a manic episode that lasted four months.  The euphoria was great but it didn’t last long. I did get a ton of writing done, but when I crashed I fell hard.  It wasn’t the sad mania, it was constant anxiety.  I have never had a manic episode that bad.  Ever.

I pretty much stopped writing.  I had enough money to live off of for a while, so I didn’t work.  I played video games and slept.  That’s all I did.  I didn’t talk to anyone.  I didn’t really care about anything.  I’m really good at keeping a wall up and a facade, so no one really noticed.  I did this for months.

I started writing a Tokyo Ghoul fic about my journey with PTSD.  It was and still is difficult to write.  I have to take breaks often as the chapters rip my soul out.  I’ve been working on one about hyper vigilance, but it still hits me hard and brings back a lot of memories.  

October 21 started hell on earth.  I lost my friend, Terri, to breast cancer.  She had been ill for a while and I knew it was coming, but it still hurt.  I think about her a lot.  I miss her.  I became more depressed.

November 8 was a pretty shitty day in America since the great orange gorilla won the presidency (though through shady reasons).  He’s going to destroy this country.  I hope I get out before he does.

The next day shattered my world.  

I got a text around 3 in the morning November 9.  I was pissed since I wasn’t on call that night.  I had fallen asleep a couple hours before, spending most of the night talking with my best friend.  She was struggling with cystic fibrosis and fibromyalgia.  She was constantly in pain and always felt horrible.  Though she lived in Seattle, we hung out playing video games or just chatting.  We shared everything.

She was terrified of Trump taking office.  His campaign rhetoric scared her to death.  She thought life was going to be so much worse for her, thought her disability would be taken away and she’d have no insurance.

Well, she literally was scared to death.  She killed herself that night.

It hurt. It hurt so bad.  It still does.  I do get why she did it, but I’m still so sad and angry!  I’m slowly coming to terms with it.  I wrote a fic to deal with the pain of losing her.  It’s called ‘Warmth’. If you want, check it out.  I wrote it the day she committed suicide.

There was something I never told Jade though.  She knew I had been having a hard time was well.  She knew I was rock bottom and tried to support me the best she could. 

She didn’t know I had a plan. I had given myself two weeks left to wrap up my affairs and then I was checking out.  Permanently.

Jade threw me for a loop, though.  I spent the next two days in a daze.  I knew by Friday I needed a distraction desperately or I was literally going to end it that night.  I couldn’t deal with the pain anymore.  I couldn’t deal with the anger.  I couldn’t deal with the hopelessness.  

I was scrolling through my Facebook account and saw a gif that caught my eye.  I had been meaning to watch YOI but really didn’t give a shit at that point.  The GIF was the one where Yuuri told Viktor to never take his eyes off him.  I decided what the hell, it’ll give me something to do so I can fall asleep..give myself a little more time.

I fell in love at the opening credits.  I smiled for the first time in months.  I cried tears of joy, not tears of grief.

The next week was rough.  I had to fly to Seattle for the funeral on Sunday, leave that night and be in Atlanta Monday morning at 9 am for a contract I had that week.  It was rough work, but YOI made it so much better.  I told the guys I was working with I would literally kill them if they bothered me from 3-4 that Wednesday.

I converted 4 guys to YOI that week. It was spectacular.  I was still hurting, but I loved the feeling YOI gave me.  I loved the hope.  I knew I had to write about it. So I started Metamorphosis.  It did well, I was happy with the response it got.  I got a tumblr and looked around.  I saw a couple prompt events that intrigued me so I decided to check it out.

The AU prompt on January 13 for YOI Week 2017 pretty much changed my life.  I started Met by Accident that day.  Most of you know it was supposed to be a oneshot, but I kept having “What if...?” Thoughts kept flooding into my mind, I saw the movie.  I had changed my writing style that week and wanted to see how it would do.

Oh my sweet Baby Jesus I was not expecting the response.  I’m still amazed.

It went slow at first, but I was happy.  Most of the comments I got were very kind.  I kept having ideas of how I wanted it to go.  More readers started to check MbA out.  Subscriptions, kudos, comments and tumblr followers trickled in.  I was over the moon.  

When I found out I had my first fic rec I freaked out! It was insane!  I was like “Why?  How?  It’s nothing special! I’m nothing special!  There are so many better writers than me!”  I still feel this way.

But more readers followed, telling me how much they loved it and how much it’s touched them.  I have readers telling me how much it changed their life or how they relate to the reality of it.

I feel as if I have a purpose for the first time in about 16 years.  Seriously.

I have met so many wonderful people through YOI and writing MbA.  I have had so many readers message me, sharing pieces of their life or telling me about their day.  I’ve had asks for my advice or help.  I’m so glad you guys are reaching out.  I love it.  You’re not just readers anymore, you’re friends.  All of you.

I mean it when I say MbA readers are the best.  YOI brought me back from deep despair and literally impending death.  You guys gave me life and love.  I’m sorry if this sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth.

The only downside of this is I can’t read YOI angst fics.  It brings back the feelings I had before I started watching it.  I don’t want that ball of wrong in me anymore.  I need to hold onto the positivity and hope this anime gives me.  I really apologize to those writers that ask me to read their fics, but I just can’t do it.  

So, that’s how Yuri!!! on Ice changed my life.

~Pax