#saezuru chapter 49

[saezurusteve]

It’s time!!! Spoilers are imminent! Eminent? Eminem??? M&M’s!!! Don’t mind if I do!!

It’s Thanksgiving time in my part of the world, which means it’s time to be thankful for all the good things in our lives.

I am thankful for the tireless and sleepless Team Steve! You are my rays of sunshine, you are the shining good deeds in a weary world.

I am thankful for our new raw provider Lil’ Stevie Smols the Duke of Scannington! Please make them feel welcome, your official license to Steve will be arriving in the mail soon.

As always, thank you to the Saezuru fandom!!! Without you, it would just be me and Ryan Reynolds… alone… call me! 😚

The rest of you get to reading, get to dreaming, and most of all GET READY FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF VOLUME 8!!!! GIMME THAT SWEET, SWEET LOVIN’!!

[soupscans]

Hoi fellow soups!

We got our first spoiler for Chapter 49! ✨✨

It's really happening! We're so exited 🙌 Just one week to go!

Spoiler under the cut!

Yashiro: "Let me guess, you're staying."

Doumeki: "That's my intention."

[neartheeasternfence]

Changed, or Not Changed

Impressions; Chapter 49

Continued from Beautiful, or Not Beautiful

Changed and unchanged have been the keywords since the meeting with Yashiro and Tsunakawa in chapter 42 (vol.7). Doumeki looks to have changed completely into yakuza, but is it still Doumeki inside? I have begun to assume the possibility that he tried to break off his lovesickness for Yashiro during the four years. He did not go to see Yashiro despite his tracking Yashiro’s movement. He cannot and will not forget Yashiro, only he might have tried to sublimate those whole affairs as a remembrance, and he might have thought that he could already have done so. At the beginning of their reunion, it looked as if Yashiro were the person of bittersweet memory (ch.41, 42).

Yet in the washroom, when Inami’s name appeared on Yashiro’s phone, another emotion was evoked (ch.43, vol.7). Doumeki’s words were offensive: “You still do it with anyone as used to be, right? (You are still sleeping with men promiscuously)” Yashiro, in the bathroom, pondered the words hurled at him for a few panels, and replied, “What makes you think I have changed in just four years? (No, I have not changed).” Doumeki widened his eyes and the momentary expression on his face was not disturbing; in fact, it appeared to be the opposite. On the next page, however, he put his head down and muttered with an expression of discouragement, “No, [no subject] cannot change so easily.” From those on, he held on to a series of provocative words and actions. What was the precise subject of “cannot change so easily”? He might have been disappointed in himself, realizing that he, too, could not change -- that he could not let go of his intense feelings for Yashiro. He has exposed his obsession with Yashiro around the edges. He himself must be aware of that now.

Doumeki informed his boss that he was not in a physical relationship with any woman, and he was in a so-called ‘my dominant hand is my lover’ state, adding “as I am unprincipled (ch.37, vol.7).” I suspect that he intentionally suppresses the utilization(?) of his bodily functions, which was able to say had been restored by Yashiro. My inference is that he must really not make even his own hand his lover, still, he allows that, thus it may mean unprincipled. Similar to his coping (none coping) after the Aoi incident. I would say that had been self-punishment. If he feels the need to do so again, he could have any realization about the significance of the affair of volume 5 to Yashiro. Or, to say further, about Yashiro’s sexual behaviour.

Yashiro’s sentiment toward Doumeki is romantic, regardless of how he perceives himself (ch.46). He had been giving his heart to Kageyama in silence for long years and once secretly kissed Doumeki (ch.5, vol.2). Becoming a smart, skillful, and ‘lecherous’ yakuza leader, down deep inside he retained such tender feelings. Can it be counterposed to ‘lechery’? Being ‘lecherous’ was a strategy for him to find pleasure in violence and focus on it in order to survive the assault he had been forced to. After the night with Doumeki, the strategy turned ineffective -- the indiscriminate pleasure was gone. Even so, he has any reason to need Inami's violence. The persona of ‘lechery’ may be unusual, but however unusual it may be, for him it is a means of survival found in extreme conditions. In volume 5, Doumeki unintentionally tore Yashiro's persona away. Yashiro confronting Hirata was driven by the urge for self-destruction more than usual, while no doubt he did not want Doumeki to die. Eventually, he threw Doumeki away almost desperately. It was also to send Doumeki back to the non-yakuza world. It was supposed to have been. 

In chapter 40 (vol.7), reuniting with Doumeki, Yashiro’s view was distorted as he walked alone to the bridge. And his expression resembled the one he had in chapter 32 (vol.6) when he was fastened his seatbelt by Doumeki after the heated argument about whether to get out of the car or not. Doumeki’s words that his time and body were his own were impressive, declaring that he was in the yakuza world by his own will. What was going through Yashiro’s mind at that time? 

He overall highly praised Doumeki at the meeting with Tsunakawa, and I believe that they were in effect directed toward Doumeki (ch.42). He meant that a pure person like Doumeki should not have been close to a twisted person like himself... His distortions -- for example, ‘lechery’ -- could contaminate Doumeki, and the yakuza world surrounding him could take Doumeki’s life. In chapter 34, when Doumeki was shot in his left chest by Hirata, and when Doumeki dropped down, it seemed that Yashiro’s face was more like a dead. He looked discernibly insane beating Hirata up with the rubble. Amidst the roar of the plane, realizing anything infinitely close to love, he touched Doumeki’s face. Simply put, he let the man go because he held him very dear. But this time Yashiro has grabbed Doumeki. In chapter 49, Yashiro repeats, “I have not changed essentially,” which is not true.

[transparentduckbird]

Most precious smile in the world 🥹

[browniiesx]

Do we know when chapter 49 will be available online, English or Korean?

I just can't wait to see them together myself

[lustfulcat]

IT’S CHAPTER 49 META TIME

This was a shorter chapter, only 20 pages, and it starts some action that will hopefully continue into chapter 50. And by “action” I mean yakuza fighting as well as Yashiro and Doumeki touching, because the last few pages of this chapter gave us some delicious water for our very dry crops.

At this point, both groups are looking for Yamakawa, who owes both Sakura of Sanwakai and Yashiro a lot of money, who used Kido as a bait and switch, and who is clearly linked to some big time yakuza. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Big Time Yakuza were Okuyama and the Ryuuzu group, including the remaining members of the Kyouseikai, who Doumeki is currently looking for.

The chapter opens with the fallout from Yashiro choosing Doumeki and throwing Kamiya out on his ass. Muraji is not happy seeing Kamiya return to Tsunakwa’s instead of Doumeki and wants to know why. Kamiya says that it was Yashiro’s request but Tsunakwa doesn’t want Doumeki guarding Yashiro, he wants Doumeki to continue hunting down the remnants of the Kyouseikai (and Doumeki already did a bang up job with that when he rescued Niki so he has experience finding them.) He tells Kamiya to go back and switch places with Doumeki, who is taking on a double workload by doing what Tsunakawa and Yashiro want. While it looks like Doumeki is following Yashiro orders again, he’s really just keeping Yashiro close for three reasons: 1) he wants to know what Yashiro knows. Since both Yashiro and Doumeki are looking for Yamakawa it’s really a race to see who can get to him first, and we all know that Yashiro is really resourceful. Even though he’s not a Full Fledged Yakuza anymore, he’s still getting information ahead of Doumeki. 2) He wants to make sure Yashiro doesn’t cause any trouble for him and get in the way of dealing with Okuyama/Ryuuzu/Kyouseikai because Yashiro can be a loose cannon, and 3) Because HE LOVES HIM. Let’s be real here: Doumeki has been keeping track of Yashiro for FOUR YEARS via Chestnut. He’s never let those feelings go. They might be buried under caution and hurt, but they’re still there.

Also, Tsunakwa (who looks downright delicious in this chapter) is pissed that Okuyama was behind Niki’s kidnapping and wants to take revenge. In talking about it he says “Only a gokudo can reason with a gokudo” And the use of gokudo is another way to say yakuza but it has a more wicked and evil connotation. Basically, Tsunakawa is going to start some serious violence and this is going to a dangerous and evil place. He wants to raze whatever is left of Okuyama and Kyousekai into the ground and he wants Doumeki to help. Unlike Yashiro, Tsunakawa is using Doumeki to the best of his yakuza abilities. Doumeki is strong and shrewd – he always has been – even in this chapter he tells Kamiya that he knows Kamiya has been watching him, spying on him for Tsunakawa (and omg he LOOMS over Kamiya if I was Kamiya my panties would fly right off). That shrewdness was more subdued while he was with Yashiro because he was broken and just starting to heal; plus, Yashiro didn’t nurture those abilities. He spent most of his time trying to get Doumeki OUT of the yakuza but it didn’t stick because as long as Yashiro is around, even brushing against that world by running an underground casino, Doumeki will also remain in that world, watching and waiting.

Let’s talk about how little time has passed between Yashiro and Doumeki seeing each other in chapter 40 and the current chapter. For Yashiro there was four years of nothing and then ALL THIS INTENSITY over the course of what? One or two weeks? All of a sudden Doumeki is back in Yashiro’s life and keeps showing up over and over, taking him away from Inami and making demands on who he spends his free time with. Yashiro hadn’t consciously remembed Doumeki (although so many parts of him did unconsciously – he had dreams, he couldn’t get erections because Doumeki ruined him for all other men, and he felt like something was constantly missing) but once he does really remember, all these feelings are now at the forefront and not only does Yashiro not have the ability to process them well, he also hasn’t been given the time. It’s no wonder that he flip flops on who he wants as a bodyguard and also plays games with Doumeki because teasing and poking fun is how Yashiro deals.

And this struggle is so well portrayed at the end of the chapter. We once again visit the subject of change. Back upstairs in Yashiro’s apartment, Doumeki wants to know what Yashiro will do if he finds Yamakawa first (because finding Yamakawa is really the lead on finding everyone else) and Yashiro says "You were listening, weren't you. It's just a matter of pulling the hairs out of his ass (ketsu no ke)." According to Lyuba on twitter "ketsu no ke" means “pulling ass hairs out, this is an expression that is often used to express stripping someone of all his belongings when he loses in games of chance, that is to say Yashiro means that he wants to take everything”

But Doumeki only hears the literal meaning of the colloquialism and is like UM for a moment, which makes Yashiro laugh and say “you haven’t changed much, have you” meaning that parts of Doumeki are still naïve and innocent. Doumeki replies with “you haven’t changed much either, especially when you laugh like that” and uses ANATA akslaklshlash

Yashiro stops laughing to say “yeah, I haven’t changed at all.” And tbh, this exchange is a bit like old times, very volumes 1 and 2. However, if this were volumes 1 and 2, Yashiro would be doing everything he could to get into bed with Doumeki and sleep with him or sleep on him, but this new subdued Yashiro tells Doumeki that he’s going to sleep on the couch, which Doumeki does not want him to do. Doumeki still cares about Yashiro’s comfort asjlhas and also wants to be in charge aslhalkshs, so he picks Yashiro up bridal style (remember, Yashiro has lost some weight and Doumeki is an enormous brick house so he picks up Yashiro SO easily) and carries him to the bed, gently laying him down. Yashiro has this moment where his face is so vulnerable, where you can see his feelings, all the conflict I just talked about, and Doumeki has a soft expression as well, but Yashiro becomes overwhelmed, scared, and pushes Doumeki away. Undeterred, Doumeki grabs Yashiro’s wrist and pins it over his head AND THAT IS WHERE THE CHAPTER ENDS. *sobs in saezuru*

Yoneda Kou is listed for the next issue so, barring any last minute changes, we should see chapter 50 in November. I am ready!!!!

Special thanks to Ronnie for posting her scans, Lyuba for her summary, and Vica for her awesome DM convos. 

[redguyreads]

god damn

[virtualrealityjd]

Back then.. September, 2020 ~ Now.. July, 2022

Ihr HertZ is the most beautiful with the boys.

[nendoshinkai]

The spoilers are already out, but before there is too much angst. Here’s my fun little parody on Chapter 49. Please see the whole thing under the cut. I had to get creative in my presentation to circumvent tumblr’s 10 picture limit. :D

[yoptics]

"It's like you said. I haven't changed".

Can you look how gorgeous is Yashiro!!

[ogata77]

The key of my heart

The key is a recurring image in the same way as the last spoiler, the key has had a close-up before. In chapter 46, after Doumeki prevents him from going out with Inami, Yashiro is happy, just like in the top frame, the key shines before entering the lock. Due to his blindness, Yashiro finds it difficult to open the door of his apartment and despite the fact that Doumeki offers him his help, he prefers to do it alone and succeeds. Yashiro has finally opened his heart and his world to Doumeki. In chapter 48, an important event occurs again, Yashiro chooses Doumeki as his bodyguard, the key reappears and he is happy to get what he wants, even if he pretends not, using his acting skills (Yakuza).

[saezurusteve]

Sorry, not sorry.

[soupscans]

Saezuru Chapter 49

Hoi fellow Soups! 

We finished Chapter 49! This time we added something at the end, that hopefully helps follow along with the Yakuza story!

Here is the Chapter download link:

Also have the Link to the Mangadex Page:

Enjoy ❤️

[neartheeasternfence]

Beautiful, or Not Beautiful

Impressions; Chapter 49

Yamakawa, the “Golden Goose (ch.45),” was a more important figure than Kido. (How does he grow money? Does he have any special skills??) He is supposedly being hidden by a man named Kai who has a scar over his left eye in Okuyama-gumi. Yashiro tells Nanahara by phone to find Yamakawa out, not get anyone else to take him away, and ‘pluck him off by the ass hairs*.’ It is an appropriate order for an illegal casino owner and quasi-yakuza boss.

However, the question to Doumeki, “Are you going to stay over in this room?” is not very appropriate. That Yashiro’s face is not looking so beautiful -- which I think corresponds to the fact that this statement is not very beautiful, neat, or consistent. Doumeki does not argue that Yashiro brought him here relatively by force but asks if Yashiro and his men are going to take Yamakawa away from Sakura Family and renege on the partnership. Yashiro replies that just going to pluck the ass hairs off (we as well need to impose certain sanctions on Yamakawa).

The speech bubbles of the next two consecutive panels, which say “...” and “... Hair...” would be Doumeki’s. He takes the expression ‘pluck the ass hairs off’ literally and tries to think about it. This kind of earnestness, naivete, and lack of conversational fluency were often presented by Doumeki early on when he had come to Yashiro, which had been why people had gossiped about him if that big man had a weak head (ch.1, vol.1). Yashiro laughs and says, “You have not changed in that aspect,” and the comment moves the emotion and also the expression of Doumeki. Yashiro smiling with his face slightly twisted is beautiful. No matter what expression he has on his face, whenever Auther intends to draw him beautifully, she is able to do so.

Continued on Changed, or Not Changed

---------------------------------------- Note: The original text is “Ketsu no ke made mushiri-tot-te [*pluck off by the ass hairs (deprive Yamakawa of everything), and] tsruttsturu-no [verbal noun tsrutsturu(-da), which means a smooth surface, with the double consonant for emphasis] paipan ni shite-yara-nai to [we must make Yamakawa paipan].” This is a volley of slang expressions. Paipan is a kind of archaic cryptic swear word, referring to the status of under-hairless (usually of grown-up women), and at least historically, it has been treated as something to be ashamed of.

[transparentduckbird]

Tomorrow is The promised night 🔥

[saezurufeels]

Chapter 49 & 50 - Thoughts and Predictions 💕

Hi!! The title is pretty self-explanatory. I really loved these chapters, especially chapter 50. Lots of ✨realizashuns✨ plus, If you give me fun little locations, unexpected character encounters AND unprompted drama…you’ve sold me. Anyways, my reaction is below and as always, my thoughts are subjective and sometimes speculative, especially on chapter 50.

Starting with chapter 49, I find it quite impressive that Doumeki figured out that Kamiya has been reporting his moves to Tsunakawa. His deductive reasoning skills are very good. Seems like Doumeki really doesn’t believe that Tsunakawa trusts him

My guess: Doumeki feels guilty that his loyalty is split between Yashiro and Sakura Group. This is evident by the fact that Doumeki’s appeasing Y’s wish to guard him, while working to find the Kyouseikai members-- his assigned task right now. Remember, Doumeki volunteered Kamiya to guard Yashiro, while he worked to find the guys that kidnapped Niki, but Yashiro decided he wanted Doumeki instead, which D could have refused according to Muraji (”you let the guest do as he wants”). So, Doumeki is working two jobs right now, but one is definitely more personal

Ngl, I wasn’t sure if I could trust Kamiya for a while, but it seems like he is looking out for Doumeki by reminding him of his duties and by assuring Tsunakawa and Muraji that D is doing both jobs without revealing the true nature of D’s personal involvement with Yashiro

In Yashiro’s apartment, Y tells Doumeki not to expect anything from their partnership, which contradicts his earlier deal with Muraji. Doumeki tries to talk about work, but Yashiro has no interest in sharing his plans with him. Yashiro’s motives are still not clear. He’s acting like he’s after the money that Kido stole and gave to Yamakawa, while Muraji and Kamiya believe he’s working for Doushinkai, and Doumeki also thinks he’s sharing information with Inami. Knowing Yashiro, I wouldn’t be surprised if in actuality, being aware of Tsunakawa’s risky plot to take revenge, Yashiro joined forces to stay close and protect Doumeki. Obviously this isn’t a shocking theory, but if/when the truth comes out, it might be an important revelation to Doumeki (if he doesn’t already suspect it)

Yashiro uses some funny word-play to see how Doumeki will react. As it turns out, expressions are still not Doumeki’s strong suit, which amuses Yashiro. Even though their different ways of communicating creates challenges in their relationship, it’s also a place for humour and lightheartedness. Oh the nostalgia

I notice Y also giving D some sultry, half-lidded looks. He’s being nice and a little seductive. This is a change from his previous snappiness (justified). Yashiro is warming up to Doumeki’s presence, especially since his awareness shift in chapter 47

Doumeki picks up on Yashiro’s change immediately.

Like a good host, Yashiro offers the bed to Doumeki while he rests on the couch, but not before remarking that he’s been “dragged” around all day by a certain someone. Y can’t just be sweet, he’s gotta add some spice

But Yashiro didn’t count on the fact that he’s talking to the same guy that slept criss-cross applesauce on the floor the last time Yashiro used the couch 4 years ago, so he’s certainly not going to use the bed now

So anyway, Doumeki carries him to the bed, they lock eyes, Yashiro is splayed out underneath Doumeki in the sexiest way possible. Doumeki begins to touch him, cause, of course he would

.

Chapter 50

Yashiro tells D to get off of him, but Doumeki refuses, saying Yashiro wanted this because he chose him. Yashiro responds by saying that’s not true, he’s only “fine” with Doumeki over Kamiya, and there is a difference between wanting and settling. Again, their different communication styles are clashing. Yashiro uses his semantic skills in battle, but Doumeki’s ability to read emotions, hidden intentions, deep desires, etc. is a weapon of its own. He often calls Yashiro’s bluff, and it’s an impressive skill that not many can use against Yashiro, because not many have the knowledge and confidence to go against Yashiro like that. That’s probably why Doumeki says to him: “I know you to some extent/I know you in my own way.” I mean, if we’re being honest, Doumeki (and maybe Misumi) is probably the only person that ever truly knew Yashiro, but anyways

Then Doumeki pleasures Yashiro and Yashiro gives him that erotic look, and you know EXACTLY which one I’m talking about.. even Doumeki seems to blush in that moment.. it’s the only instance of D becoming even slightly flustered in this chapter.

Doumeki insinuates that Yashiro has a lustful body, and I can’t really be sure what Yashiro says back to him, but it could be important..we’ll just have to wait until we get some matching translations. Doumeki still has no clue that Yashiro is/was impotent, and Yashiro hasn’t told him yet.. at least not directly. Again, depending on the translation, it’s possible Y may have dropped a hint about his impotence/attraction to D after he came. If that is the case, it seems Doumeki missed the clue because he was distracted by Yashiro’s rope burns. This also wouldn’t be the first time Yashiro became honest in the heat of the moment.. and this little confession would be pretty big. I wonder if Doumeki will recall this interaction later in the story, since I think this matter is important. There’s no way to separate the issue of sex from this story’s resolution. I’ll explain in detail further down.

I think Doumeki ties Yashiro’s hands after Yashiro wasn’t able to respond to Doumeki’s question of whether he wants it rough or gentle

So what do we make of this whole situation? I definitely think it’s complicated and there are multiple things going on with Yashiro and Doumeki. I’ll start with Yashiro:

First, going back to chapter 47, I believe that Yashiro reached a bit of personal enlightenment while having sex with Inami. I already talked about this, so I won’t go into details here, but in short: Y realized that he may actually not be a twisted pervert (recognized he was raped as a child and doesn’t enjoy rough sex with disgusting pigs), thus he also realized that he can’t corrupt Doumeki. In other words, Yashiro no longer feels responsible for Doumeki’s “downfall” into the yakuza. He no longer thinks that he can corrupt Doumeki, because D is “not his guard dog anymore” — he’s his own person that made his own informed decision to join the yakuza and has a life fully separate from Yashiro.

Although Yashiro protested Doumeki’s advances in chapter 50, his overall demeanour seemed a bit more relaxed compared to previous chapters, and I’m just stating facts. I say this because he protested slightly less, there was less verbal sparring and instead more flirting/sensual glances, and most importantly Yashiro MAY have admitted that he only gets aroused by Doumeki (somebody confirm this pls). I believe that Yashiro is more accepting of Doumeki, because he is more accepting of himself. Realizing that his body no longer responds to violence, or craves rough, anonymous sex with men but instead wants only one person— someone that treats him gently— could be doing something positive for Yashiro’s self worth. Remember, Doumeki isn’t being rough with Yashiro, just cold. When he restrains Yashiro, he doesn’t appear to be hurting him. And, Doumeki isn’t using Yashiro to get himself off.. he’s only pleasuring Y. Those differences between Doumeki and Yashiro’s other sex partners are the reason Yashiro’s preferences have changed and the reason he is more open to the idea of having Doumeki around (choosing him to be his guard over Kamiya), so that if something did happen between them, it wouldn’t be the worst thing. This wouldn’t have been conceivable prior to the time skip

Naturally full healing doesn’t happen over night, so Yashiro is still weary about having gentle sex with Doumeki, as he should be. He can’t be sure of how his psyche will react to fully embracing Doumeki, and this sort of healing needs to happen gradually of course, and with full consent. But Doumeki doesn’t know this. So then what is going on with Doumeki:

Firstly, it’s crystal clear now that because of Y and D’s lack of communication, Doumeki is suffering from major misunderstanding. He believes Yashiro can’t live without sex and would do anything to get it. In Tsunawaka’s bathroom, Yashiro told Doumeki point blank that he hasn’t changed. He said it again in chapter 46 and in chapter 49— that he hasn’t changed and he does things for his own convenience. Doumeki even witnesses Yashiro interacting with Inami not once, but twice, and later Y admits to having sex with him. When Kido was caught, Yashiro openly talked about their past sexual encounters, while Doumeki listened.

So when Doumeki asks Yashiro questions like, “do you need a man that badly,” it seems to be a genuine question. Doumeki is essentially asking, “are you pent up right now, do you want sex?” Back in Tsunakawa’s bathroom, Doumeki asked Yashiro if Y can have sex with him. That was also a genuine question. Doumeki wanted to know if Yashiro can see himself having gentle sex. Based off of Yashiro’s response, Doumeki interpreted the answer to be a “no.”

Doumeki’s belief that Yashiro will do it with anyone to relieve his sexual frustration has been proven time and time again. Since Nanahara dropped a bomb on him when he said that Yashiro might not be able to quit sex even if he wanted to, Doumeki seems to have adopted the mentality that Yashiro may never stop seeking out loveless sex. No wonder Doumeki tells Yashiro in chapter 50 that Y has a “lustful body that can’t be helped”

Now Doumeki is stuck between not wanting Yashiro to harm himself by having rough sex with people like Inami and Kido, and also not wanting to overwhelm and harm Yashiro by being too lovey-dovey. Again, during Y and D’s sexual encounters, Doumeki isn’t being physically rough and violent toward Yashiro..he’s “just” being emotionally distant. Loveless, you could say

Personally, I don’t believe that Doumeki planned for any of this to happen. I think he’s taking things as they come and responding in the moment. I think his goal or motive since the time skip is to ensure that Yashiro experiences the least amount of harm possible. It’s in his protective nature to shield the one’s he loves, no matter what. Naturally, Doumeki taking things into his own hands and intervening in Yashiro’s life makes us, the readers, debate the morality of his choices. And I’m glad to see people thinking critically and engaging deeply with the themes of this story.

Ok so if Yashiro is starting to accept Doumeki into his life, then why did he go to Kido at the end of chapter 50? The short answer is: Yashiro acts up when he feels like he’s being left behind. Not to sound repetitive, but setbacks in healing do happen, and Doumeki’s relationship with his supposed girlfriend is a major trigger for Yashiro. It’s not so much that Yashiro is envious of other peoples’ happiness, but rather, he’s fearful of losing something. He’s afraid to lose Doumeki to someone else.

With every new chapter release I like to reread older chapters and to see if I notice new details. With chapter 50 out, it confirms my belief that Yashiro wants Doumeki to admit his feelings, because Yashiro is afraid that the feelings he has for Doumeki are unrequited.

Ever since Yashiro realized his body responds to Doumeki after the incident in Tsunakawa’s bathroom, he’s wanted Doumeki to admit that he also wants Y. Remember chapter 45? Yashiro got so upset that Doumeki wouldn’t admit that he wants to drive Yashiro home for more than work-related reasons that he literally hopped out of the car? Then Yashiro got so worked up when Doumeki insinuated that Y was the only one that “wanted something.” Yashiro was like “you think I want YOU? Watch this” and walked straight up to Inami in front of Doumeki. The fear of being caught in a one-sided love has stayed with Yashiro ever since Kageyama, so it’s no wonder Yashiro doesn’t want to be the first one to admit he is in love— he simply doesn’t want to be abandoned and let down again, like he has been so many times before. Unfortunately for Yashiro, his almost desperate attempt to make Doumeki jealous didn’t go the way he subconsciously may have hoped, because Doumeki thinks Yashrio still craves loveless sex just to satisfy his body. Although Doumeki realized that Yashiro likes tenderness in bed, Y will not be the first one to admit it; thus Doumeki continues to be emotionally distant from Yashiro, in and outside of the bedroom. And round and round we go. Doumeki thinks Yashiro needs to satisfy his sexual urges, yet wants to protect him from violent men, therefore finds a shaky middle-ground by maintaining emotional distance from Yashiro while also taking care of Yashiro’s sexual appetite. On the other end, Yashiro knows his body only wants Doumeki; he doesn’t realize consciously that it’s more than just his body, since he’s also afraid of being abandoned by Doumeki or losing him to someone else, therefore he shields himself by keeping his feelings hidden, which in turn keeps Doumeki in the dark about Yashiro’s changes and real desires.  

If I had to take a guess, I think the solution to this problem lies in Doumeki finding out about Yashiro’s impotence with other sexual partners. This solution would clear Doumeki’s misunderstanding that Yashiro craves loveless sex with strangers and yakuza, and would give him the confidence to try being loving again without fearing that it would drive Yashiro into a corner again. If Doumeki switched his cold personality to a warm, loving, and committed one, Yashiro would realize he doesn’t have to fear loving Doumeki one-sidedly and/or losing Doumeki to someone else. Whether and how Doumeki finds out about Yashiro’s impotence remains to be seen, but I think it’s definitely coming… it’s been teased too much to be left unaddressed. Not to mention that piece of dialogue in chapter 50 where Yashiro may already have admitted it in the heat of the moment. Perhaps Doumeki just needs decipher its meaning.

Nevertheless, I think progress has been made, because in the very least it seems like Yashiro doesn’t fear corrupting Doumeki anymore. The only hurdle left really, although it’s a significant one, is the issue of sex (to be loving or distant/cold) and abandonment (to be honest or closed off).  

And lastly, Yashiro experiences a mental setback when he meets Doumeki’s supposed girlfriend, and tries to have rough sex with Kido to cope with never again being the person Doumeki treats gently. This is the exact reason Yashiro never wanted to meet Doumeki again— to prevent this sort of heartbreak, which I think Yashiro always thought was inevitable.. that Doumeki would eventually leave him.

But, interestingly, Yashiro didn’t go to Inami. He followed Doumeki’s rule that as long as he’s is working with D, he needs to stop seeing Inami and stop exchanging info with him. So, as far as Yashiro knows, Doumeki shouldn’t have any issues if Y slept with Kido, right? Yet, Doumeki showed up out of nowhere, completely unexpected, with a vein popping out of his neck in anger. Yashiro is stunned.

In that moment, I can only assume a million thoughts are racing through Yashiro’s head. Doumeki followed him all the way from the restaurant to stop him from regressing back into his old coping pattern and seems more upset than ever. Remember when Yashiro asked in chapter 45, “what’s it to you?” I’m sure he’s trying to find the answer to that question now. If Doumeki has a girlfriend, why does he care if Yashiro is sleeping with Kido? Is Doumeki upset on Yashiro’s behalf, after Kido just insulted him and pressed his head roughly down his dick? A lot going on here, can’t wait to see what happens next