#screaming crying this is my favourite scene in fantasy high

[vitamin-zeeth]

Bill Seacaster death sequence. You're nothing like me and that was my greatest wish. He manacled himself to the bedpost so he could keep standing and keep fighting. I heard you go for your mother. I wouldve slit you throat to stomach if you hadn't. Write your name on the face of the world. I thought you were just going to be a way for me to live forever but it's better than that. He hands you his eyepatch. I drive my sword deep into his heart. Can anyone hear me I'm going to throw up about them

[piratewithvigor]

How I listen to each of my favourite bands (a bullet point piece)

Aerosmith: They're on the radio. It's the fifth time today. Somehow never the same song. Until tomorrow, anyway. One will make you homesick. One will make you sit in slack-jawed awe of Joe Perry. One will make you curse the day he was born. They all make you love him. In the back of your mind, your thumbs hurt.

The Beatles: You have all the studio albums on your iPod nano with the scroll wheel. It has 2GB of space, so there's nothing else. You sing along to the songs with your best friend in 7th grade during school. The teacher tells you to keep it French or to shut up. You switch to "Michelle" because you're 12 and a smartass.

Bon Jovi: You're on the bus home from a long day of fifth grade. When you get home, the same old, same old. You don't know it yet but this is the beginning of your depression. As you graduate from Crossroads to a 2-Disc Best Of, everything feels worse. You work on a puzzle in the basement and even though maybe no one will ever love you, Bon Jovi understands.

Buddy Holly: For the first time since high school started, you have a friend. She's wonderful and she understands you. Maybe there's 3 time zones between you, but it doesn't stop you from digging a hole deep into a fantasy world that you live in for months with her. Buddy's music is simple and the records are bright yellow. Maybe everything will be okay.

David Bowie: You didn't care when he died. You didn't know better. You got a CD of greatest hits for your birthday two months later. You still didn't understand the fuss all too well. A few tracks pop out at you and you get the album that features them. Dad insists you listen to the album in the dark on the floor (he doesn't say while smoking weed, but if it were the 70s, you would have). Finally you understand: David understands you.

Def Leppard: You're 13 and trying to find your place in the world. Trying to make a name, so you write. As the characters who make no sense are fleshed out in 1667 words every single day, the drum loop that finished Pyromania follows you around.

The Doors: You don't know how Jim Morrison came into your life. Maybe it was by an experiment gone wrong or a curiosity. Your classmates question why you're reading a book with a shirtless man posed as if being crucified. You don't know how to answer that you think you might be him. You hadn't believed in reincarnation, but he sparked something inside you. You can feel consciousness slip away when he plays his game called 'Go Insane'. You hold a Celebration Of The Lizard for a poetry slam and the adrenaline pushes you through your fear. You feel Jim's words in your actions for years. He watches you when you sleep.

GNR: You send your siblings out of the basement. They aren't old enough to hear swear words in music and you want to listen to Appetite in the dark. You want to jump on top of the couch and punch the floor. You can feel Axl's anger and it courses through you.

Journey: You've been told you look like Steve Perry. You aren't sure if it's a compliment or an insult. You think you sound like him. You know all the words to Don't Stop Believing at the school dance. Your first memory of your boyfriend was him singing it at the talent show. Your last memory of him is singing I'll Be Alright Without You, severing the final tie. Wheel In The Sky opens your next day. Things don't feel okay anymore.

KISS: You're 4 years old and your Dad is watching the scariest freaks you've ever seen on the TV. In the next scene, the scariest one is sitting and talking to people who look like your grandparents. You forget about them for 7 years. They show up again in your newest hyperfixation and you give them a chance. The freaks who once scared you strip away your fears and set you free.

Led Zeppelin: Your imagination was just opened to the possibilities of stories beyond the realms of reality. What you thought you never knew opened you to a new layer of your past that you didn't understand. The tendrils of influence wrap around every part of your future.

Motley Crue: The writings paint them as the villains. In many ways, they are. In just as many ways, they're the same scared kids you are. For better or for worse, they bring you into a community. There, you experiment hurting yourself in ways therapists don't look for. The greatest friend you could ever want.

Ninja Sex Party: They're a rock band for kids who don't understand rock bands. You have no physical media for them and it feels like you may never get the chance. Copies are limited. So your spotify is thick with every song they've ever recorded. They're fleeting and they're your rock.

Queen: You know just a little too much about them. They're bigger characters than the radio lets them be. You love Bohemian Rhapsody before you begin to hate it before you learn to love it once more.

Rammstein: As they bleed for their art, so you bleed for yours. Perhaps out of spite, perhaps out of desperation, but plague cuts your work short. It cuts you from the glory you could have had. The first album you've ever waited for the release of by a band.

Reckless Love: Never before has a band felt so attainable and yet so far away. Your family doesn't understand them, so you hide them away. The only recklessness was falling in love.

Rolling Stones: Angie helped you through more than you know. The lips are on your tapestry for a reason. You were blind for so much for so long. You never gave them a chance. They're using their chance now.

Rush: Once shrugged-off nobodies. You gave them a chance out of curiosity and desperation. Now you can't understand the possibility of never having liked them. They brought you your first great grief and your first proof of miracles. The red star of the solar federation burns bright. Assume control.

Styx: You're standing in the snow. The bus is an hour late. You can't contact your parents because they took your one method of contact as a punishment for not making your bed. You're listening to a Greatest Hits on your iPod. Crystal Ball. It's an hour. Blue Collar Man. You get home and no one noticed you were late. They're eating without you. Suite Madam Blue.

Tom Petty: The news hits you. Your throat is blocked and you don't say anything. You listen to I Won't Back Down before telling your Dad. He was the first you experienced while being a fan. He wasn't the last. You torture yourself artistically in his honour. You attend a tribute concert and scream yourself hoarse.

Tuff: You want to leave home and block out all the memories as best you can. Stevie makes it impossible. But he's also one of the only ones there as all your best friends who aren't online forget your birthday. He acknowledges you.

Van Halen: The grief is insurmountable. For weeks afterwards, Eruption makes your heart sink. 5150 makes you cry instead of imagine pleasant nonsense as it once did. There is no comfort. If he can go, what's stopping anyone else?

The Who: Maybe they got to your head a little. You were sitting in a room in school for hours each day, completely alone except for Tommy playing on your tiny laptop. No supervision. No classmates. Just your monstrosity of a project and Tommy.

[watchinglikeafangirl]

I'm sick of the BL industry

To be honest, yesterday, I was very close to stop watching BLs - or I should say Thai BLs - because I lost hope things will take a good turn. It was just a thought I had for a second and it may not seem like an important decision that would change my life. It wouldn't affect me much to return to Netflix but it wouldn't mean anything better. The Thai BL industry has the same problems as Hollywood, so why bother what to consume, right?

And it's not like every BL is problematic behind the scenes and it's the same with Hollywood. To be real here, I only watch Thai BLs because I like the language, food and culture in general. And because it's about love no matter the gender in a very romantic and innocent way. I spend years with American shows and watching something from Southeast Asia is very different. I can't name the difference, but it's huge.

But the Thai BL industry has a bit of an image problem going on right now and I'm very curious how things will turn out and if shows like "call it what you want" or "lovely writer" can actually start a debate about abuse and binding contracts because they are immense problems, I'm gonna talk about here.

Casting

It all starts with the casting. Mostly, actors are being casted who are already famous on social media and I get the strategy. The company can generate more fame and popularity of the show but isn't it enough to cast one famous person and that's it? I don't know anything about BL actors to be honest, so I can't say if they were that famous before or not but even if they weren't, then they are mostly casted for a supporting role and are not the protagonist or his love interest. Mostly, I know the actors from somewhere else and it's sad and unfair for the other actors who don't even stand a chance to get the main role. If you are not famous, you won't get there, and that's clearly inequal.

Binding contracts

So, these people get casted and are now part of the crew. The next problem is the contract they have to sign. I have never seen one of those, so I can't say anything credible about it, but what I can figure out is: the contracts must be very long and detailed. The contracts are the real problem here because they put up boundaries and build lines that shouldn't be crossed that are unnecessary and even though the actors can hide it, something seems off. My favourite example is Saint because he seems nice and all but I always have the feeling he fakes everything and I can't tell were his true self begins and his professional one ends. I find it kind of creepy because I can't figure him out and feel like he's broken or at least, hates his job sometimes. I don't know. These contracts lead actors to fake their whole life, lose their identity and turn them into a**holes. It really makes me sad because these people are obviously scared of saying something wrong because then they would be over. What kind of working atmosphere is that? It's not healthy - that's clear - and the actors are always very distant with each other. It's obvious the things they say, do and laugh about are only said, done and funny when the camera is rolling and it's something I really don't like. I deteste fakery and that's why I don't like certain BL casts because I feel like they are pretending so much they don't like each other off camera at all.

Certain people have too much power

People in high positions definetely have too much power over the actors, directors and the whole crew itself. It's not only the binding contracts. What the trailer of "call it what you want" already addressed was way more than that. They are controlled and surpressed. Simply put, the companies and CEO's don't always see them as humans with a soul. It's really extreme and I know, it's not like that with every BL but I also know, it's the case with enough of them. Tracking your phone, getting you fired if you save the wrong number and keeping you apart from the outside are just the three things mentioned in the trailer.

Of course, there's also the problem with sexual harrasment and it's not only a problem, it's a challenge a whole generation has to face. After watching the video "BL: Broken Fantasy" I felt really stupid because someone who was interviewed was saying the BL industry is acting the same as Hollywood, and of course it does but I never saw it this way. Now I feel stupid for being blinded by all the promotion, shiny music videos and happy interviews because in the end it's also just a film industry, so why would things be different behind closed doors? Then of course, sexual harrasment happens a lot and even abuse. I'm even more mad now that I think about all the BL actors who also never spoke up. There must me billions of people worldwide... anyway, turning back, I just wanted to say that CEO's of production companies in Thailand can be as pathetic as the ones in America and sexual abuse is still a thing no one talks about.

Atmosphere on set

As a BL actor, you go to the casting because you personally have no problem with kissing another man. What still surprises me is actors saying they were not as open-minded when they started filming but understand the conflict much better now after they were acting it out and can even imagine falling for someone with the same gender. I thought every one of them doesn't care, but I guess they do.

What really disgusted me in the video "BL: Broken Fantasy" was when this director was talking about the camera man turning away to vomit when the BL leads would kiss. I have no words for how disgusting, inhumane and respectless this is. He even said, the whole crew tends to be homophobic which is like what the f**k?! And he added, he was surprised when he was shooting a film with a japanese crew that offended no one which is so low standard, it's sad. No wonder the atmosphere between the actors and crew behind the scenes looks tense and not that close.

Fanservice

So, here's the problem I've been thinking about for some time now because it's the most viewable one and appears everywhere. I hate fanservice. I just want a normal boring interview with the actors and I'm happy but I stopped watching interviews with BL leads because it's packed with so much wannabe-cutesy fanservice, it's actually uncomfortable. What I don't like about it is that it looks so forced and fake. You can tell just by watching they are only doing it because the contracts say so. They gain money - and I don't believe it's just a bit - to make the fans happy. It's just a part of the promotion but it leads to many problematic situations with fans. I'm not saying Hollywood is much different. During the red carpet shows are so many screaming, crying and fading fans, it's ridicolous. I'm not such a fan and will never be because I don't sympathize with this kind of cult. But at least I feel like Hollywood kind of protects their stars more. In the BL industry the fans can get very close and the promotion is more about the shipping couple than the show itself which causes these big personality cults I already addressed here.

I have two examples: MaxTul and SaintZee. They are not so different when it comes to fanservice but their chemistries are not comparable. MaxTul seem to care about each other whereas SaintZee don't seem to be very close. MaxTul have fun and much of it is fanservice which gets cut into cringey edits on YT but they have a vibe. They look each other in the eyes and know what the other thinks - at least, I have the feeling they do. Their whole friendship looks honest and healthy. In contrast, SaintZee were pretending a lot. It's pretty clear, it was all for the fanservice. They touched so much, it hurt because they wanted to please the production company and follow their contract and out of fear to do something wrong, they overdid it. And then, they had a fallout which wasn't very surprising, because I believe the atmosphere between them was very tense and all that touching was too much.

End

In conclusion, I hope things will change but it's such a long process, it's gonna take years. Now the BL industry doesn't look very bright in my eyes and it's gonna take a while to convince me otherwise. So, I decided for myself that I can consume the shows but won't care about the promotion any more.

I was too close to quit watching yesterday to just ignore it. I got mad again while writing this so I'm just gonna say, I will definetely watch "lovely writer" and "call it what you want" until the end because I wanna know more about this. I wanna know more about what happens behind the scenes.

Anyway, I hope I haven't turned your mood down 🙃

[starlene]

I know there’s at least one person looking forward to this, so here goes: a list of interesting details from the Danish production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Klokkeren fra Notre Dame), based on the two performances I saw in October 2019.

Fair warning: it’s 90% about Frollo.

I saw the following cast in Fredericia Teater:

Quasimodo: Lars Mølsted Frollo: Mads M. Nielsen Esmeralda: Bjørg Gamst Phoebus: Emil Birk Hartmann Clopin: Oliver J. B. Aagard-Williams Something to know about the staging: there are seats onstage, three rows on both sides. Audience members sitting there get to wear hoods, and the seats are gently pushed back and forth depending on the scene. It gives the illusion of the ensemble being bigger than it really is, and sometimes, ensemble members sit and stand in empty spots next to these seats.

And now, from the Prologue onwards…

Christ, this Frollo has AUTHORITY. Sitting onstage, his little sermon at the beginning of the show is directed to us – the ensemble all bowed their heads, and only my unwavering decision to enjoy every second of Frollo without as much as blinking helped me to keep my head high. He’s scary!

When he becomes archdeacon, Frollo does a Cinderella spin where his plain black robe magically turns into a white, ceremonial one.

Frollo smiles at baby Quasi before he sees his face. And why shouldn’t he! A very sweet 1.5 seconds of undiluted happiness in between proud uncle and nephew there before the former’s prejudices kick in.

I obviously didn’t get a chance to see it quite up close enough to see the inscription, but otherwise, it seemed to check out – if Instagram is to be trusted, Frollo wears a replica of The One Ring throughout the show. Might explain certain aspects of his behaviour?

~

In the beginning of the show, Quasimodo and Frollo seem to truly, genuinely care for each other! They hug and everything. Frollo being emotionally abusive is subtle and he’s probably not consciously aware of it himself – he simply does not have the capacity to understand that Quasimodo (or anyone else, for that matter) experiences the surrounding world in a fundamentally different way from his own. (“And can stone talk back?”)

Frollo seems truly surprised when Quasimodo says he could protect him – and it felt to me he means it when he says he didn’t mean to laugh at Quasi. Frollo also chats with Quasi in a quite relaxed manner (too bad, though, that his idea of small talk is racist rambling).

~

Quasimodo is SO happy outside. He does a little dance on one of the onstage seats!

There are many, many ladies throwing themselves at Phoebus. It seems like he’d be happy with just one, but they keep coming and he decides to just roll with it.

Esmeralda’s so full of life here. Rythm of the Tambourine is not seductive but so vivacious, small wonder all the guys crush on her.

The light/video design goes all pink with falling flower petals when the three men fall in love with Esmeralda. A bit silly, to be honest.

Both Phoebus and Frollo (!) laugh/smile at the King of Fools contestants (you can only really see this from the onstage seats)… until Quasimodo pops up, of course.

The congregation covers in shame/fear when Frollo does his little speech about showing kindness to all Lord’s creatures. Probably mostly fear, the man really has an aura of authority.

~

At first, Esmeralda is all mesmerized by Notre Dame (and why wouldn’t she be, it’s a gorgeous place and I guess we all remember how we felt when it looked like it’s going to burn to the ground last April) but she has some great expressions when she understands what Frollo’s all about. At very first, she turns the other cheek – but of course, it takes Frollo less than 15 seconds to be gross again, and then she’s simply done with his bs.

Esmeralda and Quasimodo are SO CUTE during Top of the World. Talk about chemistry – the actors are married in real life, that might have something to do with it… The whole scene is one of my top 2 favourite moments in the show. It’s so beautiful and optimistic (!) and pure, with stars in the sky and all Quasimodo’s statue friends supporting him… Finally, finally Quasimodo has a human friend. I cried, I’m this close to crying right now.

Right after, it’s time for some Quality Frollo Comedy! He does the mocking SpongeBob meme to Esmeralda when she says Quasimodo ringing the bells was her fault (“iT wAs My FaUlT yOuR gRaCe”). Then he switches gears and tries SO HARD to be all suave around Esmeralda: he flings his cape around, sits on the balcony railing all nonchalant, almost loses his balance and does this little silly oops heh heh heh thing.

And then Esmeralda says she sees the way he looks at her and Frollo just flips. It’s been a long day, right? That awful Feast of Fools business, Quasimodo’s disobedience, falling violently in love/lust with a woman you’re supposed to hate, trying to hit on said woman on two awkward occasions, trying to act normal in the midnight mass in the middle of all this… The moment Frollo starts yelling, some switch in his mind turns and his downwards spiral begins.

Next, Frollo gives Quasimodo The Talk. The original script has Frollo slapping Quasi left and right here, but the Danish production takes a completely different approach. It’s 100% clear Frollo is trying to talk himself out of the “impure thoughts” he’s having, and he’s so borderline panicky about it that the mood catches onto Quasimodo. For a moment, they both seem equally lost, and in the end of the scene, they hug it out. You believe Frollo when he says the “you and I against the world” line. Despite all, he really seems to think of himself and Quasi as a sort of a ragtag team.

~

Hellfire here is a journey into Frollo’s mental breakdown. The colour scheme progresses from light blue tones to the whole cathedral being in flames, you have seductive dream Esmeralda (way more seductive than the real Esmeralda) beckoning come-hither and dancing just out of reach, the music gets more and more intense, the subwoofers are turned up to 11 so the floor is shaking and in the end, your heart is beating twice the normal rate and Frollo is screaming and you’re screaming.

After experiencing all that with him, you understand that in his mind, the mind that just broke beyond repair under our very eyes and all around us, Frollo really sees no way out of his situation other than dragging everyone else in general and Esmeralda especially with him. Go hard or go home when you’re losing your mind, I guess.

~

The following scene with King Louis sees the return of Comic Relief Frollo – nothing overtly funny, mostly just the king taking his sweet time to acknowledge Frollo, but since the previous scene was so intense, you’re laughing all the same. How do they even do it? How do they have the character have such an earth-shattering mental breakdown one minute and then do a successful comedy routine the next, and all without losing a trace of his frightening aura? WITCHCRAFT.

Frollo gets a hold of a sword during Esmeralda (at one point, Phoebus has two, loses both, and Frollo picks one up) and turns into a holy crusader. He’s getting to live out his revenge fantasy and he’s clearly enjoying every second of it – it’s been clear from the beginning that he inspires fear in his congregation, and now, he gets to act out every single bit of his sadistic impulses. This is where he goes full feral, so to speak.

Dream Esmeralda is back, dancing in the center of a fire whirl. I adore the video design in this production.

~

In the beginning of the 2nd act, Frollo has sunken further into his madness. He’s clearly unhinged, so much so that I have a hard time believing that he coldly calculates Quasimodo showing him the way to the Court of Miracles. Probably just a happy accident.

The exchange here, with Quasimodo lying and so forth, is tense from both sides. Frollo and Quasi are hugging it out again when the soldier pops in, and Frollo just glowers at him – can’t you see we’re in the middle of a hug here?

~

The end of the Court of Miracles scene is so absurdly good here. Frollo busts in, the Romani are rounded up, everyone leaves the stage except for Frollo, and then he has a good 10 seconds or so to just chew the scenery in complete silence. He has the sword, he glowers right, he glowers left, he does a little villain laugh, then he leaves.

There was some genuinely nervous laughter from the audience at the villain laugh bit, because goddamnit, he’s just so deliciously, almost unsettlingly villainous at that moment. You wouldn’t want to be left alone in the same room with this man, but there we are, all alone in a dark room with him – and it’s just a thousand or so of us versus one of him, so we’re clearly at a disadvantage here.

~

Frollo takes his cross off his neck when he goes to visit Esmeralda in the dungeon and leaves it outside the door. This is my favourite detail in the history of theatre.

You wonder what Frollo is thinking when he goes to burn Esmeralda. He seems almost happy at the beginning of the scene. Is it because he’s a sadist – or because he’s so damn sure Esmeralda is going to change her mind now, he doesn’t really stop to consider that he’s going to end up killing her for real? Could be either. Or maybe he’s just completely lost it and is not thinking about any consequences at all, hell-bent on taking his revenge...

Whatever it is though, having seen his eyes from the onstage seat when he left after setting fire to the pyre, I can tell you it wasn’t an actor performing a role at that moment. It was a man who’s just set the object of his obsession on fire and cannot believe what he’s done and is conflicted and hurting because of it.

~

Frollo is sobbing on Esmeralda’s body and touching her hair and hands and you just feel so gross – stop touching her, she didn’t want that, she’s dead and even now you won’t understand, STOP IT!

I’m certain that Frollo genuinely believes he could have loved Esmeralda. Love feels different to each and every one of us, and in the end, I’m so so sorry that this is what is feels like to him.

Quasi and Frollo’s dynamic during the last scene is so real. I believe Quasimodo when he says he’s lost everything he’s ever loved. In the end, my heartbeat is twice the normal rate again.

Quasi and Frollo always hug during the curtain call here. It’s a running theme with the two of them.

~

Can you tell how much I love this production?

[wmsreads]

Some things are stronger than years of lessons. The Draw of Fire. A longing for freedom. Or a girl on a red horse.

This book was chosen as Between the Lines’ April LGBT+ book of the month and I am so glad it was! This is maybe the second book (the first being Throne of Glass) I’ve ever read in which same-sex relationships are common place, homophobia is non-existent and no one is labeled as being one sexuality or another; everyone is simple allowed to be with whoever they want to be with.

This book is also a perfect example of why I’ve ordered some fun new notebooks to jot down stuff as I read; because when I enjoy a book this much it’s difficult to think of anything constructive to say in a review once I’m done that isn’t just shrieking “I LOVED IT!!”.

Let’s start with the characters!

I absolutely adored Mare as a character. In the beginning she was a prickly, closed off young woman who resented being a princess, refused to do anything she didn’t want to and pretty much hated everyone on sight, including Denna. She was stubborn, brave, and very, very guarded with her emotions but as she slowly grows closer to Mare and she starts to open up, you come to realise that she’s become the way she is due to self-doubt and out of necessity. Denna seems to bring out the best in her and by the end of the book they have both changed for the better.

Denna was also a wonderful character, though not as good as Mare in my opinion. She was slightly boring in the beginning with all of her talk about doing her duty and just blindly going along with everything because she didn’t want to jeopardise the alliance between their kingdoms, but again, as she got to know Mare she became almost a whole new person. By befriending Mare she got to experience what it felt like to be free from duty and make friends with someone who was actually interested in her and not just her title as future queen, and by the end of the book she’d come to realise that she needed to follow her heart, even if it meant exposing her affinity and destroying the alliance.

I didn’t like the king or Thandi. At all. Every time there was a scene with the king he was usually dismissing either Mare or Denna’s suggestions or ideas and I just wanted to slap him and yell “Deflate your ego and just listen!”. And the only time I ever felt anything close to sympathy for Thandi was when he discovered Mare and Denna in bed together and started crying as he asked Denna if he’d done something wrong. I think before that point he truly thought Denna was falling for him and after losing his father just hours before that, it must have been absolutely crushing to then find Denna in bed with his sister. But other than that, both Thandi and the king were thoroughly unlikable and I was even just the smallest bit happy when the king was killed! I assume that this was the author’s intention with both characters though so if that’s the case, she absolutely nailed it.

Speaking of the king dying, I did not see Kriantz being behind all the chaos at all! I thought he was 100% on Mare’s side, he was the only one that would listen to anything she said, and he just wanted what was best for her. I knew as soon as there was talk about someone asking the king for Mare’s hand that it was him, but I just assumed it was so that he could take her to Sonnenborne to train horses, do whatever she wanted and be free. Boy was I wrong! Yet another character death that made me smile!

Now we come to my favourite part of the book, the romance!

This is how I want all romances in all books to be, just like this one. There was no insta-love, no jumping straight into bed with each other, no “unrealistic” aspect to it and I loved it! Mare and Denna didn’t like each other to begin with but were forced to deal with each other so that Denna could learn to ride horses and when Mare realised she was intelligent, they started spending even more time together to try to figure out who had killed Cas. The more time they spent together, the more their friendship grew until they bother realised that they felt more for each other than just friendship. But of course, Denna was supposed to be marrying Mare’s brother, so that naturally made them reluctant to start anything more serious. It was a wonderfully slow-burning relationship with lots of heart-racing sexual tension that had me internally screaming “JUST KISS HER!” several times and left me with the all-over warm fuzzies by the end! Perfection.  

The only negative thing I have to say about this book — and it wasn’t even enough of a negative to lower my rating — was that the world building was almost non-existent. But I feel like in books like this, there doesn’t really need to be too much detailed world building because it’s not that different from Earth in  medieval times. It’s not so completely different that everything needs to be explained like it would in a high fantasy novel. The author explained the differences between the kingdom’s and people that lived in them but other than that, I don’t think there needed to be more than that in the first book. It would have been nice to hear more about the political goings on but it made sense that we didn’t because the story was told from Mare and Denna’s perspective and both were pretty much being kept in the dark about how serious the situation was. I suspect there will be more detail about that in the second book though as they head to Zumorda and find out what’s happening on their end. I also suspect the magic aspect will be more thoroughly explained in book two as well, because Denna will hopefully be learning how to control her affinity and that will mean study and more knowledge.

All in all this book was an absolute delight to read from beginning to end and it’s earned its place on my list of “Favourite Reads of 2018”. I can’t wait for the next installment!

Check out Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurst on Goodreads.

Some things are more important than a crown. Saving a Kingdom. Knowing your heart. Or riding into the sunrise with a girl on a red horse.

[lavanderstarcatcher]

Book Review || Geekerella

Geekerella by Ashley Poston

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book wasn’t supposed to give me feelings – at least not to this extent. I hoped to smile, giggle and maybe shed a tear or two. Instead, I ended up bawling my eyes out, sniffing and tearing through the book at a speed that I wouldn’t have expected from myself. Why were my expectations low? Because of genre-wise, this is everything I don’t read. I often read books that are classified as Middle Grade instead of Young Adult, this book has found its unique spot between all my fantasy books. I don’t read romance; I don’t read contemporary because they aren’t usually my cup of tea. So, how did I end up buying this one? And foremost, how did I end up enjoying it?

First Impression

I needed a standalone book, because nearly every book on my shelf is a part of a series, and once I start a book series, I have to finish it. So, I was browsing the shelf in my local bookstore and came across this one. It was the first time a book sold me on just being there, sitting on a shelf. I always google the books I want to read, always, well, I used to be able to say always because this book sold itself. The cover is beautiful. The purple spine is very eye-catching, the art is simple and dreamy, the title short but oh-so-important. Because it already screams GEEK. I mean, GEEKerella. It’s like throwing fandom and fairy tales together – which is right up my alley. Because I’m a geek. I have been to anime conventions, I read fanfiction, I write fanfiction, I spend too many days browsing Tumblr, I’m a religious Pokemon fan though I don’t play the games anymore or watch the show. It was promising, and the synopsis did a remarkable job convincing me. Long story short, I picked up the story because I saw myself in it because it was a reflection of me, of a geek, of a nerd, of someone socially awkward, someone who spends days in their fantasy world.

Part romance, part love letter to nerd culture, and all totally adorbs, GEEKRELLA is a fairy tale for anyone who believes in the magic of fandom –Synopsis.

The story

The story is cut up three parts so I will address each part separately. I will hide significant spoilers if necessary, but I will mainly quite my favourite moments of the books and fangirl.

Part 1

“Look to the stars. Aim. Ignite.” –Ending monologue, Starfield, Episode 54

It wasn’t my favourite part. It’s rather forgetful, really. Nothing major happens, but that doesn’t make it less important. It introduces all the characters quite nicely, it sets up relationships between several characters (including the main couple) and it’s a good set-up for a few plot points

(view spoiler)

(Damien’s issue with Brian, the fact that Damian is in the jury panel during the cosplay contest, Elle’s desire to go to the cosplay contest and just win

(hide spoiler)). This part also creates a relationship between our two main characters, which is important as romance is one of the major parts of this story. So, I think it’s a bit forgetful but essential.

Part 2

“When you can’t win the fight, you get bigger guns.” –Episode 14. “Better Space Than Never”

Plot-wise, there isn’t that much progress. Elle goes through with her idea to go to the cosplay contest and through the part she is working on that. That’s it. But that isn’t what it’s important in Part 2, at least not in my opinion. It’s the relationship development that got me reeling. Elle makes a friend, another romantic subplot slowly kicks in (I saw it coming from the moment the two characters were in the same scene – I have read too much fanfiction) and Elle’s relationship with Darien strengthens. And this part really gets to me.

–I’m flattered you think of me – Darien –I think of you a lot, actually – Elle

In the book, they have about three weeks to get to know each other through text. It’s not very long, and it could be classified as instant-love. And a year ago, I would have said maybe yes it’s too fast. Because three weeks of texting isn’t a lot. But right now, I can relate. Not on a romantic level, but it’s crazy how well you can get to know each other in a short amount of time, even just through texting. One of my closet lives on the other side of the world – like, I can’t hop in a car and drive up to her house. And we know each other crazily well. At some point it felt like we knew each other for over a year, and it was just a couple of months. Right now it still isn’t even a year, and yet I feel like she has been at my side for ages, through high school, through several years of college. Then I realise she isn’t.

–Look up – Damien –Is it the sky? – Elle –Not JUST the sky. It’s the SAME sky. And if we’re both looking up at the same sky, how far apart can we REALLY be? What were the odds of us being put on the same slab of rock in this huge universe? – Damien –Elle, we might not know much about each other, and I might not be there, and you might not be here, but I’m glad to share this sky with you. Maybe we should start looking up together, ah’blena – Damien

But that’s my reasoning why I don’t mind the short period of time for their romance to develop. And it’s why this part really got to me. I see us in there, me and my friend. And maybe not in a romantic sense, but we get each other, we understand each other and we share fandom things. And even if it isn’t fandom things, we are there for each other. This part, especially the text messages shared between Darien and Elle, is what I live for, is why I broke my habit and picked up this book. I might not make much sense – maybe I shouldn’t write this directly after I finished the book – but this part reflects so many reasons I picked up the book.

–So which universe are we in? – Damien –The first – Elle –Oh good, I was scared for a minute there, ah’blena. I’m glad we’re in the impossible world – Damien –Why? – Elle –Because otherwise I never would’ve found you – Damien

Part 3

“You are not alone, ah’blena, and your stars will guide me home.” –Episode 33. “A Box to Remember”

You know, I haven’t cried in a while since reading a book. Yes, sometimes I shed a tear here and there, but I have cried too much during this part. Not all parts, of course. It was the beginning of the part, which could be compared to the Fairy Godmother scene in Cinderella, which made me emotional because I was happy for the friendship, the friendship was great, and it made me happy and so damn emotional. Then stuff happened, which I’m not going to spoil. Several subplots were neatly rounded up, problems were wrapped into a neat bow, and they got their happy ending. And I still cry, so stupidly much. Because the hurt and the struggles were real. How they wove their feelings together with the fandom of this story was great, the lesson that’s important to look beyond the appearance and reputation, that family doesn’t have to be blood-related and that there are always real friends, and that in the end of the day, being yourself is the most important thing of all.

Conclusion

I know I shouldn’t have written this directly after finishing the novel. I still feel a slightly light-headed, and there is a stain on my glasses that has been annoying me for way too long. But you know what, I hope that I managed to note down why I loved this book so much, and why I even bothered to write a review for it. I won’t be dipping more in Contemporary because of this book because I think this is really more fandom focussed and not meant to anyone. If I give this to one of my non-fandom friends, they won't get half of the things, I suppose. But that doesn’t make it a bad book, not at all. It’s a lovely book that I will reread in the future, the perfect ‘in between series’ book if I have to wait for a delivery or a next release. I doubt there will be ever a book 2, and I’m perfectly fine with that. I have plenty of series, and a good standalone book is hard to find. Though, in this case, all it needed was a bright purple spine and a nerdy title.

“Do you really mean that, ah’blena?” “I promise-swear, ah’blen.”

View all my review

[the-adorable-vinnie-dakota]

Mr Block’s Christmas Carol chapter 4

Chapter 4: A Christmas Past to Forget

Poor Block had a rough past. His Father is such an ass xP Also, Doof appears in Block’s memories - and Vinnie too :3 

Nothing could describe how much Nicholas screamed during the flight outside in the snowy weather. The snowflake laced winds brushed hard against the thin nightgown of his but yet he did not feel a trace of icy cold. The coldness is still there or course, but Nicholas while he could have felt worser, felt like he's just stepped outside on the first few minutes of snow.

Orton on the other hand, didn't give a hoot about the cold wind and was laughing and whooping mid flight - Clearly the chained spirit enjoyed this and expected Nicholas to feel the same. "Aw why the terrified face? Nibbles flying is fun! Embrace the wind! The breeze! And fly like you have the wings of an avian!" He spread his arms out wide and did a sidewards loop.

Nicholas grimaced. "You're the one to talk to someone who's thought of humans flying as nothing but fantasy," He murmured and focused below ground, reluctantly taking Orton's offered hand and let him lead the way.

Orton grinned over his shoulder and chuckled at a sight up ahead. "Now would you look at that!" His hold on Nicholas' hand tightened. "We're nearly there now Nibbles! Come take a look!"

Orton pulled Nicholas up front as they slowly started to descend from the cold snowy sky that's now brightened with day for they have reached a different time period. Nicholas gawked at the now visible street before them; A quiet, old fashioned line of three storey houses with roofs topped with snow.

"Hey... Orton this is my old neighbourhood!" Nicholas for the first time in minutes, spoke in amazed awe, his heart swelling with great nostalgia. "It's been ages since I've last been here!" He gasped when his eye caught a certain house down below - He found himself in the place of an excited child with Orton giving an amused smile. "And there's the house! Where I grew up and often played with my old friend, Heinz!"

Orton laughed heartily and led his companion down to the backyard of that particular house. "Oh it sure is Nibbles!" He flashed Nicholas a sly grin. "And that is exactly where we're going! Tally ho!"

The two made a faster descent down below until they touched the snowy ground of the past - And a short distance away from a pair of boys building a snowman. One boy bore a pointy nose and a skinny frame while the other, a striking resemblance to a younger version of Nicholas; Which his future self is quick to realize in nostalgia-laced shock.

"Why... That's me! And that’s Heinz over there!" Nicholas felt his heart swell once again in hearing the laughter emitting from his child self and his friend while they played. The adult could only stare in shock as he processed the sight of his very young self. Back then he was happy, carefree. Nothing like the firm grump he is today. It is simply that shocking to remember.

Nicholas gave a wistful sigh and his shoulders slumped. "Hmph. I never thought I'd say this, but.. It's actually hard for me to believe that I was ever like this." He subconsciously said while turning to Orton. "I used to be so young. So.. So happy," He watched his young self wrap a scar around the snowman's neck with Heinz happily placing a carrot in for the nose.

Orton nodded and folded his arms. "Well. I'll have to agree with you on that one Nibbles. Especially since you've grown up to be such a grumpy old boar who hates the holidays."

He ignored Nicholas' wincing at the reference to him and patted the man's shoulder while continuing.

"Which is exactly why we are here. To find out what's happened and caused you to lose your christmas spirit - No pun intended. Now enough with the chit-chat!" The spirit reached out to hold Nicholas' chin. "Instead, just sit back and watch," He turned it so the both of them are looking at the children. "And remember." Nicholas nodded shortly after that and his gaze fixated upon the scene.

With the snowman being done and dressed up, the young Nicholas gave the young Heinz an excited grin. "Oh Heinz!" His overjoyed voice rang out with the still-high pitch of childhood - Anyone could flip out in cuteness. "I'm so excited for tonight's Christmas Eve!” He clapped slightly before his face fell and he momentarily looked at a house that's nearby. "But it's going to be the first one without Francis." He sadly spoke in referring to a third friend who's no longer with him and Heinz. "I really missed him a lot already."

Heinz's smile shrunk in remembering and he pulled his shorter friend close. "But hey, think about it this way! At least Francis is celebrating Christmas Eve as a whole family with the other Monograms. We should be happy for him because he's never got to do that before."

The two boys raised their heads to look at the towering empty house on the other side of the fence. Heinz smiled. "Plus I'm sure Francis is wishing us a Merry Christmas from Danville right now! He'd want us to be happy today too!" He lowered his head slightly in sensing a presence from his friend's back door. "And look who just came home!" Heinz held his arm forward.

The kids (and watching invisible men) acknowledged the adult approaching them. The trench coat wearing man was bulky like how his son would be as an adult and he shared fairly similar features as he did. His lighter emerald eyes are laced with haughty distaste - Likely as a result of being a man of high class and society. A woman sharing her child's dark hair color walked ahead of him though her look showed love and kindness like all mothers have for their children.

Young Nicholas gasped in delight and ran to the adults with open arms. "Mom! And Dad!"

Mrs Block laughed and hugged her boy, eventually releasing him so he can do the same to his father - Who had just arrived from work. "I can't believe it dad! You made it home in time to spend Christmas Eve with me and mom!" The child didn't notice the doubtful frown his mother suddenly gave her husband.

The man rolled his eyes and sighed once his son pulled away. "I am only going to be here for a moment son. I still have to get back to work," He ignored the fall on his son's excited expression and the disgusted look on his wife's face. There was an uneasy pause of silence before he continued, after an emotionless glance at his two family members. "I only came here, to say goodbye."

Mrs Block appeared very astonished as did her young Nicholas, who somehow managed to find the strength to question his father unlike her. "Goodbye? I don't get it.. Where are you going dad?"

At this, Mr Block have a scoff and his gaze hardened with a bit of muse. "Oh no. Not me Nicholas. I'm not going anywhere." He casually pointed at his son. "You are." He refused to acknowledge the shock of all three in the area The child actually started to back away in taking in the horrifying news. "I'm sending you to a boarding school. It's for the best son - That place is the best there is. You'll do a swell job over there. You leave first thing tomorrow morning-!"

He was unable to finish for Mrs Block had shot him a thunderous look. "Oh no you don't Philip! I am not letting you send our son away to a boarding school!" She shouted angrily in defense of her child, who quickly slunk away in fright into Heinz's comforting hold. "You know what's happened to his sister after you sent her there! I'm not letting the same thing happen to our Nicholas!"

Mr Block seethed with rage at his wife and shot back like thunder striking a tree - The woman's heart shattering in two and tears streaming down her face. "It's Nicole's fault for not learning to accept the fact that this is done for her own good! I'm doing this because I refuse to have my son grow up and become one of those jobless fools who have no place in society!"

The man cast his flustered glance at young Nicholas who warily looked back, Heinz wearing a timid look in fear of his friend's father. He gave a frustrated sigh. "I don't have time for this." He returned to glaring at his wife. "My decision is final and you cannot change my mind Nancy. I already booked a ticket for him. Like I said, he's going first thing in the morning." Mrs Block said nothing but continued to shake and sob in disbelief towards her husband.

Finally finding his voice after the intense near-argument, Heinz cautiously stepped one step forward with a look of sheer dismay and protest. "But Mr Block.. Tomorrow is Christmas Day!"

He winced and stepped back when Mr Block spoke nonchalantly. "Exactly Heinz. Tomorrow is Christmas Day!" He mused. "Which means plenty of seats left in the train. Saved me the hassle of having to wait till January to book a ticket because of full seats!" He stopped and looked at his watch. "Now if you all excuse me, I must be off now. Good day." He curtly said and with that being said, made way through the back door.

Mrs Block growled when her husband walked past and she stomped after him, shouting out argumentative words about his decision and trying to change his mind for she really loved her son. She had once lost his sister to having her father send her away on her favourite special occasion. She can't have her son suffer the same fate too..

And meanwhile in the backyard, young Nicholas had started to cry into Heinz's shoulder with the latter trying his best to comfort him. The news of having to go away right on Christmas morning really broke him. His sadness and despair is so great that it reached the invisible pairs of eyes that have been watching everything for quite a while.

Nicholas' lower lip shook and he tried to blink away fresh tears that threatened to spill out from the heartache. "I remember it all so clearly now. Mom lost to dad and I left first thing in the morning." Orton sympathetically drew the man close with an arm and patted his back as Nicholas sighed. "And ironically, dad was right. The train compartment I was in is completely empty except for me. So I could cry by myself, all the way to boarding school, all through Christmas Day."

Orton closed his eyes and breathed shakily as he wiped away a single tear of sorrow that ran down the side of his face. "Well, I think we've seen enough of this." He blew his nose into his garb and he took Nicholas' hand. "Off we go," He quickly added and holding up his gold pocket watch, they were engulfed in another flash as they were teleported to another time of the past…

When the flash subdued, Nicholas found him and Orton in a completely different yet familiar setting - A great library full of shelves and shelves of books; The main library of his boarding school and the "perfect paradise' for a bookworm or very studious person.

Up ahead, Nicholas noticed yet another younger version of himself. This time, he is no longer a child but a young adult who now worked as a professor. The young man was apparently studying a book of some sort and occasionally taking down notes on a sheet of paper.

"My. You sure grew up to be..Quite dull to put it in a nice way." Orton commented while floating after Nicholas who had went to the side of his younger self in nostalgic observation. The spirit sighed and ran a hand across his hair. "Though of course. I certainly can't blame you for this, Nibbles. You really went through a lot as a boy."

Nicholas nodded solemnly. "I pretty much got used to spending Christmases all alone at school. No family. No friends to be with me." He shrugged. "I mean sure I get letters and cards from the mail, but it just isn't the same as before. That's kinda what I learnt as I got older," Orton became sympathetic for Nicholas once more.

"I am so sorry that you had to bear with all this,"

"It's fine."

The sound of footsteps disrupted the sorry silence and the three heads in the room rose in seeing another young man enter the library in approaching the young Nicholas. The man was tall, lanky and had an obvious slouch. But despite the slouch, the brown-haired fellow bore the same dark blue eyes, pointy nose and friendly smile that back then, sent comfort to a child that he called a friend.

Orton gave Nicholas a sly look and elbowed him. "So, does that person look familiar to you?" He chuckled. "Because I think you should remember him even after so many years,"

In response, Nicholas nodded with a small smile of remembering. "That's Heinz alright. How can I forget about him?" He sighed wistfully. "It's been so long since I last saw him. It's a miracle that we were best friends for so long even though we're far away." The two watched young Nicholas gasp and leave his table to run to his old friend.

Nicholas frowned for seeing this triggered something inside him and he chuckled bitterly. "Oh man. Now I remember what day this is. And I can tell you, it is not really a pleasant one for sure." He and Orton stood as they watched the old memory take place.

"Heinz!"

The young Nicholas was grinning happily as he hugged his best friend for the first time in years. It had been far too long since they last saw each other in person. They had been so small back then when he had to leave for school. "I can't believe you're really here!"

"Oh I'm so glad to see you again Nick!" Heinz gave a hearty laugh and he and Nicholas did a fist bump. He held his hands gently in his as he smiled warmly. "Merry Christmas!" The two embraced once more before Heinz pulled away. He still kept his hold on young Nicholas' hands as the latter spoke. "What brings you all the way here Heinz?" Young Nicholas now looked concerned. "You must have travelled miles away from home just to get here and see me!"

Heinz smirked it off like it was nothing. "Oh you know Christmas Day. Empty seats so I got it easy." He shrugged and then continued. "Anyway, reason why I came here is because I got great news," His smile grew wider in sheer delight. "I'm getting a new home soon!"

Young Nicholas gasped. "A new home?!"

Heinz nodded with a grin. "Yes! Oh I'm so excited it's gonna be fantastic! The money from my inventions really paid off and everyone loved them so much…" Young Nicholas was grinning widely as Heinz continued to ramble on about his life. He felt happy enough just hearing that his best friend has found his place in the working world, but, little did he know that Heinz's moving out is not the best part of it...

"And guess what Nicholas?" The young man snapped out of his internal joy and focused on Heinz once more who had finished his endless chat. "Once I get settled in my new home, you can come and live with me until you are able to get a house for yourself," He clasped his hands and looked hopefully at Nicholas. "Hopefully you choose someplace near me, Nicholas. Then we can be neighbours and see each other all the time!"

Once the fact has settled in, the happiness in young Nicholas' heart intensified and he looked on at Heinz in surprise and excitement. For ages he's been longing to be with his loved ones once again and the thought of being with his best friend after so long made him even more delighted on the offer. Finally, he doesn't have to be all alone any longer...

"You promise?” Young Nicholas asked hopefully and he held Heinz's hands with longing. Heinz's eyes grew moist in feeling exactly what his friend felt and he nodded kindly. He too had wanted to be with his old friend again. He adored Nicholas so much: Not just as a friend but if anything, a younger brother that's loving unlike the current one he has.

"Yes. I promise Nicholas,"

The younger men enveloped each other in an overjoyed hug while Nicholas huffed with bitter reminiscence at recalling the aftermath of that memory. "Hmph. And I actually believed him back there." He gritted his teeth and hissed. "I was so stupid. Such a fool."

Orton shook his head sadly and held Nicholas' shoulder with a shrug. "And I say, it's time we better be jumping ahead," He activated his pocket watch again and they teleported to a later time. Then they reappeared in the library where young Nicholas was now sitting close to the window and staring at the falling snowflakes outside.

"Here we are," Orton announced while looking at his watch and clicking it closed. "Almost two years later,"

Nicholas looked about gruffly and rolled his eyes in taking in the unchanged environment. "Oh, I get you there Orton. Two years passed but it's all same as always. Nothing ever changed."

"Oh Nibbles you silly thing. Of course things have changed - You are probably to blind to notice." Orton chuckled as they both sensed the presence of Heinz and someone else enter the room. "Okay maybe nothing's ever changed in your perspective. But if you look at the life of your friend, I'd say there's been some big changes!" He pointed out to the couple with his thumb.

Heinz entered the library wearily looking different from his last visit. All he wore is a black sweater and pants (nothing like the formal attire on his last visit) his eyes have developed bags beneath them from lack of sleep and stress. If anything he looked a bit weak, but he still maintained his jolly personality and is excited to see Nicholas as always. Only this time, he's brought someone with him.

"Hey Nicholas!" Heinz spoke happily as he ran up to young Nicholas. His companion walked up and followed suit, giving young Nicholas a friendly wave. "Hey," Said the man in greeting and he smiled. It was a short and plumpish man dressed in red and yellow-orange clothing and he bore dark curly hair and a tan complexion. For some reason, the glasses that sat on his nose have colored lenses and the real color of his eyes can't be made out clearly unless the glasses are removed.

Young Nicholas returned the visitor's greeting with a wave and he tilted his head in confusion at Heinz in questioning. "Who's this?" He asked, obviously referring to the guest. Heinz gave an 'Oh' and he and the guest exchanged friendly grins. "Nicholas," He held an arm to the other man. "This is my friend, Vinnie Dakota. I met him at work a couple months ago and we've been hanging out for a while!"

"Oh. I see.."

Young Nicholas' face melted to one of little uncertainty. He doesn't know what to think of this new friend of Heinz he's suddenly being introduced to. But so far he seemed nice enough at least. Maybe he’ll grow to like him soon.

The man named Vinnie looked at young Nicholas with eyes full of friendliness. "It's so nice to meet you in person Mr Block," He looked excited. "Heinz told me so much about you. I've always wanted us to meet ever since I heard of ya!"

Young Nicholas blushed slightly and flicked his hand. "Aw shucks. I'm just his friend since we were kids, no big deal." His face lit up when he remembered a distant topic from Heinz's last visit; The good news he had once shared with him. "Which reminds me," He turned to Heinz with a delighted look. "How's your new home coming along? Is it ready for the two of us yet?"

A sudden silence filled the air and Heinz looked very sorrowful. Vinnie's smile had also vanished and his head lowered with what resembled guilt as he looked at Heinz sadly. It was an uneasy minute before Heinz spoke up finally in a guilt-ridden tone.

"I'm so sorry Nicholas. I really am," Heinz looked torn at Vinnie. "You see, Vinnie and his relatives have lost their house to a fire and there's no other place for them to go without him having to lose his job if they move. They really needed someplace to stay - So I gave up my house for them and soon I'm going to have to move to Danville where I have already found a place." He sighed. "I swear I would really take you to live with me if the Landlord had room."

Heinz cast young Nicholas a solemn look. "You understand. Right Nicholas?"

The young man stood in sad silence. He felt so sorry for Vinnie having to suffer and part of him is touched that Heinz willingly sacrificed his home for the needy family in exchange for a place far away - Far away from his boarding school even. He felt really torn in having to be in long distance friendship with Heinz yet again... That and a strange feeling overcame him.

The pain from being alone for many years.

Sadness warped into hurt for the hands of loneliness molded it to be that way. Heinz knew and promised that he would find a home and let him live with him. But yet he gave it up to another who he had befriended for definitely much shorter than Nicholas. He frowned in heel realization.

Why didn't he see it just now?

Heinz prioritized a person who he had barely known for years over him. Young Nicholas felt any trace of care within him harden into the feelings felt by a victim of betrayal. A tiny part of him felt guilty for seeming to think selfishly but it was ultimately surrounded by the pain that never left him for years since he was to leave home for here. And it was not just Heinz... 

His father didn't care about how badly boarding school had affected his sister and curtly sent his son to the same fate.

His mother loved him and is against him leaving as a child for the boarding school. But after that, he never heard from her again. She didn't even accompany him to the train station and say goodbye.

And then there's Heinz and his home issue.

The actions done by all the ones he care about - It confirmed it all. The positive attributes young Nicholas once had completely flushed down the drain for he had realized something once and for all.

"Right. I understand. I understand perfectly Heinz." Young Nicholas finally spoke to Heinz after an uneasy silence. He shook his head and screwed his eyes shut with clenched fists. "Nobody wants me. Nobody cares." He bitterly looked up at Heinz. "And I thought you actually did, unlike my parents."

The man hastily went past Heinz and Vinnie and looked back at them over his shoulder; Spite now evident in his usually soft eyes. "I should have realized this a long time ago." He growled. "If you and my parents were just going to care for and then just leave me eventually, then.. Then I don't need you at all! Or anybody else in my life!"

The young man stomped off angrily, ignoring Heinz who protested. "Nicholas wait! Please!"

"Merry Christmas to you both!"

The door slammed after young Nicholas so hatefully spat out the greeting and then it grew quiet; Heinz standing stiffened and Vinnie covering his mouth in horrible shock. Nicholas glared at Orton just after watching that unpleasant memory - The baddest one of them all. He’s had just about enough of it.

"Let's get out of here already, I have seen and remembered enough!" Nicholas snapped angrily although his eyes were threatening to spill with tears. "Going through this once is hurtful as it is!" He was unable to hold back and he clumsily rubbed at his eyes with an arm. "Please. Just take us somewhere else already!"

Orton firmly shook his head in disapproval and sighed in slight frustration. "But if we go now, then you'd be missing the best part of this!" He grunted and pinched his nosebridge before letting his arms fall. "Come on. Just stick around, and see what happens next,"

Nicholas blinked. "Next?" Orton didn't reply. Instead, was focusing on Heinz and Vinnie; Which Nicholas eventually joined him in doing.

"Oh Heinz this is all my fault!" Vinnie's face was ridden with terrible guilt and was actually teary-eyed while Heinz screwed his eyes shut tightly, tears streaming down his face. "I should have moved out and not get you involved in my problem - Then you'd still have your place and Mr Block!"

Heinz just shook his head and sobbed. "No, don't blame yourself, please Vinnie." He rubbed at his eyes. "There was nowhere else for you and your family to go. I had to let you have someplace. And besides, Nicholas is a kind man. He always understands."

He blew into a handkerchief he pulled out before breaking down into more sobs. "It's just.. This is all on me, Vinnie. I was the last person he's ever had ever since his mom stopped sending letters to him and I screwed up. I broke my promise to him!" The tall man sobbed again as he slowly raised his head to stare at the door where young Nicholas had left.

The man shook in his tears with sheer remorse. "Oh Nicholas." He wiped his tears away and he chuckled wearily. "I don't know where the next years will take us both. But no matter what, you are still a friend to me." His body shook with threatening tears yet again and Vinnie quickly held him. "If only you knew how much I care about you…" The man gave a choked sob and he buried his face against Vinnie's shoulder, crying his heart out.

Meanwhile, Nicholas no longer felt the desire to leave and instead, guilt and great shame after watching the event he had never ever known about. His lower lip started to tremble and he lowered his head in horrible realization. "I never did. And I never knew, or even bothered to look back and realize."

Overcome with great sadness for the fellow, Orton sadly placed a comforting hand on Nicholas' shoulder while he teared up. And before the spirit knew, the man had rested his face against his shoulder to let the tears fall in silence.

The spirit closed his eyes and pulled out his opened pocket watch, taking look on the clock face with eyes slowly widening. His time is almost up as the Ghost of Christmas Past and it is also, time for Nicholas to go home. He stared at the man in pity. This trip to the past has been a depressing one for Nicholas, Orton felt. 

"Poor Nibbles. No wonder he's like that." He murmured inaudibly before a final flash from the watch enveloped them and it sent Nicholas back home…