#seriously the hp ff stuff stays between us

[vgbndangel]

Mild trauma trigger warnings with depression + probably more about me than you ever wanted to know.

I promise this might be the only super serious post I make. Maybe.

But I see a lot of stuff around and figured I wanted to write something on a more serious note, imagining that it might maybe slightly help even one person.

I'm not here to judge or shame anyone--quite the opposite really. Life is hard. We all cope in different ways. (And often develop traits or even kinks from our experiences--me included I have a lot of darker kinks even, and that's okay 💕)

I might not even post this tbh since some of it I've never told anyone but I'll keep things a bit vague.

*** Actual stuff 👇 ***

From a young age, I was cripplingly, embarrassingly shy.

Like can't talk on the phone, play with people on the playground, make friends shy.

I'm not really sure *why* but I just felt "different" and found it impossible to really connect with anyone.

This led to me being in my own head a lot and over analyzing everything.

As you might imagine I had no friends growing up. (Shocking I'm sure)

None. Zip. Zero. Nada.

My parents didn't understand me, my brother didn't understand me. I just felt completely alone.

Naturally, I read a lot.

Mostly fantasy books about other worlds, magic, adventures, friends, and romance.

Every novel I could find at the library. (I was also obsessed with Harry Potter fan fiction oops, don't @ me, no one irl knows this and that's how it's gonna stay)

I started to wonder a lot about "the meaning of life" and really didn't understand what the point was--everyone around me always seemed so much happier.

I desperately wanted to leave and go to any of these worlds that I read about. I thought if I died would I be reborn in a better, happier world. That's how I became suicidal at 14 - no external trauma, just a self-fulfilling prophecy of depression and loneliness.

I never tried to act on these thoughts or tell anyone. I would just spiral downwards whenever I was alone.

Now fast forwarding a few years, I went off to boarding school--for academic reasons not behavioral ones.

You'd think putting a lonely, depressed kid to live on his own would be a recipe for disaster. (Also my parents had no idea I was depressed since I never talked to anyone)

But actually it wasn't! The school had a lot of structure for forcing people to interact even for someone like me.

I made a few friends and started to see some happiness in life.

Around this time I started dating someone for the first time (all of my knowledge of relationships came from books and fanfictions mind you).

As you might expect, this person became my entire world.

There was a lot of drama of course--we were teenagers in boarding school what do you expect? We broke up, got back together, had a lot of sex in risky places, and made very many unreasonable promises.

We dated for two years before graduating.

We went to different universities far away and talked about making it work long distance.

A week after she moved away, she broke up with me by phone with no real warning.

I was devastated and was actively suicidal for the first time.

Three years went by - we talked on the phone every month or so (she would talk to me whenever she was lonely as a last resort and I would eat up the attention).

If you take anything away from my post (if anyone made it this far)--don't ever do this to yourself. Block them until you've gotten over the relationship!!! You deserve to be somebody's first choice.

I started to feel happy for the first time getting away from school during an internship. I didn't know anyone and I started learning how to be happy by myself and with myself. For the first time, I found myself living in the moment rather than imagining a better moment.

Second major takeaway I want to impress upon you dear reader--focus on baby steps to feel better rather than "visualizing yourself at the finish line". For basically my whole life, I had wanted to get better and not getting to this imagined "happy" led to constant downward spirals.

I have had a lot of ups and downs since then. But measuring my progress instead of focusing on how far away an imagined, moving finish line is has helped me immensely.

A lot of time, people treat happiness as a very concrete thing. You're either happy or you aren't. The things we read and experience create "checklists" of happiness for us. And mostly it just feels so far away -- there's always something "missing" or not perfect which sours everything.

I'm not perfect now--even today as a highly functioning adult I have (many) days where I want to just stay in bed. I have insecurities and oddities. And that's okay.

Life (and relationships) is about learning and growth. Trying to be a better person and finding small happinesses in small steps.

Finally, if you're struggling with depression or trauma try talking to someone you can trust--a therapist, partner, close friends, a help hotline, anyone. My biggest regret is silently struggling because it could have ended up with the worst ending.

You matter and have value 💕

[Sorry if this came off as kinda soap boxy. I know I'm writing from a position of immense privilege. I could also probably cut out some of the personal background, but I didn't want to. ily for reading this whole thing.]