#seriously they make me so f'ing happy

[themusicsweetly]

"Before the show is over, can you play me one time when I walk on set when you're directing? She plays the accordion thing. The squeeze box."

—Sam Heughan + Caitriona Balfe for Marie Claire

[uenodivision]

ARB Birthday Special 2024: Aranai Norikoru

~~ June 21st ~~

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not."

Login Lines:

"...Wait, what's this?! Every delivery slot is empty today? Who the hell messed with my schedule?!"

"Oh… it's 'cause it's my birthday. ...Right, I did set that up, didn't I? Kinda slipped my mind, with everything else going on. Well, that's a surprise I managed to give myself."

Voice Lines:

"22 already? Feels like just yesterday I was tearing up the f'ing streets, not a care in the whole world. Time sure has a way of sneaking up on you. It's like I've been riding at full throttle and the years are just blurs on the roadside. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and expect to see that wild kid staring back. But she's slowly changing, bit by bit."

"High school's in the rearview now, thank God. Took me almost three f'ing years, but I did it, I graduated. Shisuta's all about hitting the books again, talking 'bout college. But me? I'm not sure I'm cut out for more tests and lectures. I crave the freedom of the open road, not the stuffiness of classrooms."

"Shisuta, she's like this lighthouse in a storm. Always guiding me back when I stray too far. And Kisouna, she's tough as nails, but she's got this soft spot for her kid that gets me. Makes me wonder... what's my soft spot? What's gonna be the thing that makes me wanna stick around?"

"Looking ahead, the road's uncertain. Delivering packages, dodging the cops, spitting rhymes – it's a life. But is it the life? I've got dreams, but they're like shadows at dusk, all shifting and elusive. Maybe this year, I'll catch one, make it real."

"Hey Mom, thanks for the birthday wishes. Yeah, it's been a decent day… and hey, can you believe it? I'm finally done with high school." *Sighs* "I know that look, Shisuta. College talk, right? Just… I'm not sure yet, okay? I promise you, I'm really thinking hard about it. Let's just… not do this today, okay? ...Thanks. Really, it's nothing against you, I just... I just don't want to think about school right now."

"So, what's this? Wow, this is… really something. You made this? It's pretty badass, in a Shisuta kind of way. Thanks, Mom. It’s like carrying a piece of the Clan with me. …Yeah, I'll wear it. It's cool, and it’s from you, so it means a lot."

"Boss-Lady, what's up? …Wow. A birthday wish from you, of all people? Now that is a surprise. …Ha, if someone had told me we'd still be on the same team, I'd have probably knocked them flat. But here we are, still not having managed to kill each other… yet."

"What is this? ...A piece of paper? ...A career counseling session?! What the fuck, Boss-Lady?! …Ugh, you are such a cheap…! …You know what? Fine, I'll accept this. But just so you know, I’m already plotting your next birthday 'surprise'."

Shisuta Lines:

"A most joyous and bless-filled birthday, Aranai-chan! I hope it is going well for you. And congratulations on passing high school! It was truly a blessing to see you walk across the stage, diploma in hand! Speaking of which, now that you are done with high sch... ...I know you probably don't want to speak of it, but... it's just that..." *Sighs* "...Very well, Aranai-chan. Just promise you'll give it some serious thought, okay? I'm not trying to control your life, really. I just don't want you to have any regrets is all."

"But enough seriousness for one day! This is meant to be a day of celebration, so... I'd like you to have this! ...It's a scarf I made! My first one. I wanted to try something different from bouquets, and I know it's probably not good, but I hope you like it. ...I'm glad you like it, dear. A happy birthday to you again. And remember, I always love you, regardless."

Kisouna Lines:

"Happy birthday, Aranai." *Sighs* "...You know, if someone had told me that after all these years we'd still be teammates together, I'd have probably found some sort of excuse to arrest them. Because dealing with you is a full-time job. ...Don't tempt me, you little miscreant."

"Anyway, for you." *Sighs* "...Look on the other side, Aranai. ...Yes, it's a career-counseling session. ...Now before you go off on one of your little tangents, calm down and listen. Shisuta-san informed me you were having trouble figuring out what to do now that you're done with school, so I looked online for some people that could help. ...Good, I expect you to make use of that. It could really be of some assistance. ...Great, I'm literally jumping for joy right now. Thank you, Aranai."

[slightlykylie]

1. TMS* is a good thing and I recommend it for anyone with treatment-resistant, non-situationally-based depression. 

2. Like I was depressed as fuck three weeks ago and pretty much incapable of having a thought that wasn't about suicide and now I'm better, so that's good. 

3. I do, however, get frustrated with the whole "Rate your mood on a scale of 1 to 10" thing as a person with bipolar, because, like, is a 10 euthymic or is it the happiest I'm capable of being?  Because the happiest I'm capable of being involves being manic, so if 10 is maximum happiness then 8 is about the highest I can safely be. It would probably make more sense for mania to be numbers higher than 10, but it's sometimes difficult for me to tell the difference between hypomania and... happiness, which makes rating these things difficult.  (I have asked several providers how this system is supposed to work for people with bipolar and none of them have had an answer.  Guys, you should have an answer.)

4. But seriously.  How happy am I allowed to be before it's a problem?  It's been 20 years since I was able to just be happy without worrying about whether I'm too happy and I'm tired of it.

4a. Like, right now?  Am I heading in the direction of hypomanic right now?

4b. Because if I am then I need to stop the TMS immediately because it can trigger mania BUT my psychiatrist suggested that if TMS got me to a good enough place then we could maybe try decreasing my antipsychotic dosage and I f'ing hate my antipsychotic and its side effects so I'd really like to hang in there as long as I can to make sure the stability is really thoroughly grounded BUT if I hang in there too long and it does trigger mania then I probably lose it as a treatment option in the future and I really need it to be a treatment option in the future so I guess what I'm saying is

5. aaaaaaaaargh

6. Bipolar is stupid, throw rocks at it.

____________________________

*Transcranial magnetic stimulation.  Basically they put a helmet on you that makes loud hammering noises and sends... magnetic... stimulation? into your skull and then you get less depressed.  (For the record, it's like a psych-hospital thing, not a we'll-stimulate-your-magnetic-fields-while-we-realign-your-chakras-with-a-crystal-grid thing.) 

[prorevenge]

Supervisor makes me pull 1500+ lbs main power wire by myself, you break your shoulder and lose your job.

Hey reddit, this is my first post so bear with me, I know it's a long one so I apologize, im on mobile

Abriviations: Me = Me (obviously)

SRS = Self righteous supervisor

FCW = friendly coworker

Some context

I work as an electrician, I had done so for over a year before leaving the state for a few months to sort out some family things, once I returned home I got my old job back. By the time I had returned to the company they had grown quite a bit. Lots of new faces and lots of new assholes to avoid.

So the first day came and I arrived on time (also note I spoke to the owner of the company. Good friend and asked him what I should bring for the days work, no reply, my own fault I came unprepared, and underdressed because I wasn't given a uniform yet,but anyway) as i pull up to the job i realize I'm the first one there, so i wait in my car listening to some music while eating my breakfast. Now the jobs normally start at 7am sharp. 8 o'clock finally rolls around and I see someone with the company attire, I go up to him and introduce myself

Me: "Hey I'm my name I'll be starting work with you guys today, nice to meet you"

FCW: "Hey! Yeah we were told you were coming, do you have any tools with you?"

Me: "a few hand tools, I want given a tool list by boss I tried to ask but got no reply, my bad"

FCW: no problem! Do you know how to wire up florescent lights?

Me: "sure do!"

FCW: "perfect let's get you started on that!"

So I was going about my business wiring up all the florescent lights that have been put up, minding my own headphones in nose, to the grind stone. Enter SRS.

So there I am doing my job, and quite efficiently to I might add when SRS seemingly sneaks over to me, jumps on the side of the lift I'm currently working on (which breaks the oasis codes btw) And pulls the headphones out of my ears, which obviously hurt and was quite surprising. He begins to talk and things go like this

SRS: "FIRST OFF, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING SECOND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING AND THIRDLY WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU TO DO THIS?"

I was shocked and told him it was my first day back with the company, I hadn't gotten my uniform yet so I had to come in simple clothes, I explained that I wasn't told what tools I would need so I that's why I was unprepared. He proceeds to tell me to get down off the lift, I do. At the same time the GC (general contractor) for the whole job walks in (nice guy)

As I'm getting my ass chewed out for being unprepared he sees the GC and gestures him to come over, he does. As he arrives the SRS starts to insult me I front of him saying how unprofessional I looked and how stupid I must have been for coming in like this.

At this point the GC looks quite uncomfortable, the GC makes an excuse to leave the conversation but not before to get off one more thing

SRS: "anyway I'll fix this issue right now" Hr turns to me and says SRS: "get the fuck of my job site and come back when your an actual worker"

So I did, I called up my boss and he chewed him out. I rolled back up to the job a few minutes later happy to see the FCW smiling to see me back. I was left alone for most of the day, but as the week progressed things would get worse and worse. At one point he came in furious not particularly at me just because he's a absolute f***face with 0 patience. Anyway, he comes in with a large tool back with lots of random things, then he stops look at me, he the. THROWS the back at the floor, spilling everything all over a floor I just swept, turns back to me and says

SRS: "clean it up"

I was doubfouned standing there with my jaw open, he walks away with not a single f given, I turn to FCW and he's just looking at me shocked as well, that was the last straw for me, I'm a good worker and I do my job well, I work overtime constantly and do not need this kind of treatment so I decided to make myself feel better about my job situation by screwing with SRS as much as possible.

So for the next week I would take small tools or parts he was using while walking away and throw them into the work trailer, as this kept happening and since he had no idea where his tools were going he was buying new screwdrivers it seemed like every day. On top of that he began to steal spools of wire of the job and put into his truck to resell, I took pictures of him doing so and saved them for later, also got a few videos of him nearly attacking other companys workers for being "to loud with the Mexican music" (f****** prick)

So Friday finally rolls along and its main feed day, now I'd you don't know about how underground electric works you might not fully grasp how difficult it is to pull by yourself... it's very hard.

The wires arrive 6 hours late, we start pulling at 2am, (we were supposed to be off at 2 today with full 8 hour pay, we worked late that day) As everything gets put on rollers and the feeds get lead I see SRS standing by the pulley doing nothing but waiting for me to get everything ready, I don't say anything and just do it. Now he has an electric pulley powered by a small remote. Now me on the other end is pushing in all this 600 wire (the spools are bigger than me and over 1500 lbs each) after over 3 hours of me nearly killing myself with no breaks cuz he wouldn't take his damn hand off the button. Eventually he walks over to me to complain about how slow I was at feeding it to him, I told him if would have helped me it could have went faster. He. No. Likey.

SRS: "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SUGGESTING THAT I HELP YOU WITH YOUR JOB? WHAT ARE YOU GOOD FOR IF YOU CANT EVEN DO THE ONE JOB I GIVE YOU ITS NOT HARD JUST FEED THE F'ING WIRE YOU DUMB F***"

I. WAS. FURIOUS.

I took a deep breath and simply took it on the chin. Sorta. Kinda. Not really. As he was going over back to his truck he was walking by the wire spools when he slipped on some wet cardbord I had been using to put my knees on causing him to slip and rall into the spool and hit the large bolts attached to the side. I could visibly see it was out of place. Ouch. I felt no pity. Seeing him wriggle on the floor in pain for a few seconds before helping him back up was very satisfying. Got him in his truck and he left, probably to the doctors I'm guessing.

After the week was over I drove over to the management office to speak with my boss, I told him about how SRS has been treating me the other employees, others, and even the GC, constantly giving everyone shit about anything he could. He was not happy and told me he would look into the matter, a few days later I found out he was trying to sue the company for his arm getting hurt on the job saying he was hurt by all the wire I pulled in, like i had some impact on his lack of balance. my boss came back at him with the evidence of him stealing from the company and nearly costing him jobs, he dropped the idea of suing and was gone the next day. I got a raise 😁😁

(source) story by (/u/Sub_StandardSpace)

[jumphq]

A Jump, Little Children Renaissance?

It's hard to believe that it was just a week ago that we were playing with our newly-named New Oblivion Orchestra. That was a week ago? That was a week ago. And exactly one year ago that Vance the Manager sat us down with the plan for funding, writing, recording, releasing, and touring a new album. ONE YEAR AGO. Thank you for making this entire year one of the most fun we have ever, ever had. 

The day after our last show of the year we had a photo shoot with our friend and photographer Nathan Baerreis, and from the looks of the early shots, it's going to be a good one.

"Why would you have another photo shoot?", you ask, "Isn't Sparrow done, already?" What is left to do?

A lot. Four months isn't a ton of time for an album to be out. There are still so many people–so many fans of Jump, Little Children, even–that don't know about the album, or that we are writing new music. While it might be easier to get the word out thanks to various social media in some ways, in many ways it's just as hard as ever to introduce people to new music, because there is so much noise out there, literally and figuratively. It'll be tough for us, too, because we know that we're not going to be a full-time touring band again. We love our home lives: we like making our own coffee in the morning. We also like getting on a bus, playing shows, saying "hello", but I don't think we'll ever get back to the point where we are touring most of the year. It's a choice that we're happy with.

So how do we a) increase our "noise" both online and elsewhere without physically touring and b) try to support all of this work that we need to do to make it happen?

We have a few ideas, and many of them we discovered by accident. My brother Evan and I started doing Facebook and Instagram Live streams because we had things to announce that were band-related. They were awkward, at first, then awkward AND fun. Soon we were talking about things that were unrelated to Jump, Little Children because we enjoy talking to each other and have lots of things to talk about. The experience was made even better by you, chiming in in the comments. The Bivins Brothers Show (name pending) was born. Coming soon to a Facebook & Instagram Live and YouTube Channel near you. We're working on a few ideas of what the focus of the show will be, but no matter what we feel like it's an excellent way for us to all stay in touch.

After our first performance of Sparrow at the Footlights Players Theatre last year, we did an extremely fun "Q & A" that gave you the opportunity to ask questions about the album, and about us as a band. It got Jay thinking about how fun it would be to break down the entire album, song by song. For those of you familiar with the podcast "Song Exploder", that's what we'll be going for. Jay Clifford, a remarkably entertaining podcast host, will single out accordion tracks from "White Buffalo", interview Johnny Gray about how many basses he used in the song "Voyeuropa", and learn from producer Josh Kaler how much reverb went into the harmonica in "Cyclorama". It's going to be a high-quality and very interesting dive into our new album, and how the writing/recording process really goes, for those of you that don't know!

But there's more.

We kept a secret from many of you this year, and it's time for us to fess up. On December 29th we performed a very special show at the Queen Street Theatre in Charleston where we played the entirety of The Licorice Tea Demos and Magazine, back-to-back. Yes, we played "Opium" for the first time in probably 20 years, and "Dark and Lonely Man" for the first time in a loooooooong time. We only announced this show to our Facebook Group called Opium, a 1000-strong group of folk that has been a part of the official J, LC "fan club" for a while. 200 tickets sold in about three minutes. Many people on Opium didn't get to go, and there were plenty of you out there that didn't know about the show at all. We called it "#licmag". It was f'ing magical.

The Opium Group is open to anyone. It's a private on Facebook, but any fan of the band can apply, and you should: (https://www.facebook.com/groups/1621541794731647/). In Opium you'll often get first dibs on any ticket sales, special questions from Vance the Manager about merch and the like, even more interaction with the band, etc. This year, Opiates got a chance to come to see us play very old songs that you haven't heard in years. It's a very supportive group and we appreciate it so much. 

What if there was an "Opium+"? An "Opium Pro"? "Opium XS"? An "Underground Elite"?? What if we could build a place where JLC fans that want to support the band financially, to support this community, to share information and talk about live taping and in return for their support get special tickets and original content created by the five of us?

"Underground Elite 2.0" (name pending) will be built at patreon.com. We love Patreon's very-old-school concept of having Patrons support Artists directly. Old school like "The Renaissance". It has a ton of tools that we can use to be closer to those that want to help us stay a rock band, to help us write more albums, to help us just create. I personally support a number of Patreon accounts, just a dollar or ten a month, and I love the feeling it brings to be able to allow another artist the means to continue to do more of what they're doing, to feel like I'm helping them not have to find money doing something that would in any way keep them from being great podcasters, singer-songwriters, or comic book writers. 

Patreon lets you support an artist monthly or based on what they create. Either way helps. And we're ready to exchange this patronage with content. Besides Jay's yet-unnamed-podcast, our Patreon channel will be a home for special episodes of the Bivins Brothers Broadcast (name pending). We'll share newly written demos, and songs that "didn't make the cut" to be on Sparrow. Exclusive merchandise designed by Evan and some of our favorite designers. I’d actually love to write out some more lyric prints (or phrases?) for those that would like them. Would it be fun for Ward Williams to teach guitar and cello lessons, or Jonathan Gray perform "80's Mall Organ Store" renditions of songs on my Fun Machine? You're damned right it would be fun. Official Archivist Chris Slack is willing to share never-before-released Jump shows he has on file. Remember the "secret show" I mentioned above? #licmag? Chris recorded it, and as a Patreon subscriber, you'll get to hear it, and also our night with our incredible New Oblivion Orchestra.

And we'll be talking tickets. Early-Access tickets to shows that non-subscribers know about, and probably some that they don't. Tickets, podcasts, videos, merch, and a lot more. We're still dreaming stuff up.

We've always been a band that is very open to our fans. We try to write back when you email, answer when you call. I have (very recently) stood in line with a blazing fever after a show because I genuinely wanted to talk to each and every person that came to see us play. We don't have to; there are lots of bands that don't care about that stuff. To me, it's part of it, maybe the biggest part of it. The problem is that we're not going to be touring 250 days a year like we used to, and that could seriously limit our interactions. But if we can create a place where we're sharing stuff that we create, you're helping us create stuff, we throw in a decent forum platform, and Boom. We will get even more of this lovely community and communication, is my hope. We'll just more of these moments in our PJs on the Laz-E-Boy on our computers instead of at the end of a long night at a rock and roll club. 

Last year we hit January with a very clear plan for the entire year: fund the creation of an album of new songs, write songs in 3 months, record those songs in 2 months, release said album, tour that album for about a month, end the year with an orchestra. We pulled it off and learned a lot. We learned that we like having goals and we like creating and writing songs. Evan and I like recording ourselves talking about superheroes and intense diets, and yes, Jump, Little Children. Jay loves to talk about the songs he has written. There were some growing pains, but we feel ready. We want a plan for this year, and next year, too. Part of that will include more touring, and part of that will likely include a new album down the line. Sparrow has just dropped, though, and there is a ton to still say, a ton of people that need to find us. We think that Patreon will help with that. 

Our Social Media Sensei Alison Kendrick suggests that it's time we "let our hair down". #licmag was a good start, and 200 people got to see us, Scrunchies off. (Especially Ward Williams…holy sh&t!!, right?) We want more people to come to the next party. Including you. More information coming soon.

[peterkayscarshare]

FANFIC: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow by OvertheRainbow

NOTE: This fic is NOT by me, Ikkleosu. I was very kindly asked if I could host this fanfic for another writer who wanted to contribute to the Car Share fanfic cache. And once I’d read it, BOY, was I ever honoured to host this fic. I love it! Lots of feels people, be prepared.

(I will TRY and post updates daily, but I have a busy week so it could be a couple of days between updates)

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow – By Over The Rainbow

Chapter One - "It"

7am. The alarm clock heralded the start of another day by belting out Beyonce's Bootylicious. In one fluid motion, Kayleigh swung her arm across her body and hit the off button with a satisfying smack. For a few blissful moments as she came into wakefulness, it was as though "it" had never happen. As though the world was still filled with the exciting possibilities of newly found love, of secret hopes, of unspoken feelings...of what could be...but now never would. Before "it" happened, she'd sit on the edge of her bed first thing every morning, looking at her heart shaped novelty lamp on the windowsill. The morning light, causing it to cast a warm, soft, rose tinted glow. She'd ponder its infinite meanings and possibilities, like its plastic held the secrets of the universe. All to the never-ending soundtrack of Steve reviving his f'ing bike outside the window of her tiny little box room. She'd shower with one foot on the door, dress, fix up her hair and apply her make-up, have a quick jeuge of Jade Goody's "Shh", then make her way to the kitchen for the daily ritual of fighting for space to grab some toast and a quick brew. She'd become adept at dodging an ever frantic Mandy, issuing orders to a disinterested Chloe and Alfie, as they wander about aimlessly, glued to their phones like zombies. All this while PE kits are handed out and tuna sandwiches and PomBears are stuffed into backpacks. Morning Mandy was like some strange creature, half Mum, half octopus. By 8 am Kayleigh would linger in the hallway and the little red car that held all her hopes and dreams would slowly come to a stop outside. Some days she'd see him arrive, on other days she'd hear his voice first, chatting to Steve and laughing at some daft joke. She always took a moment to check her hair and lippy in the hall mirror one last time, take a deep breath, shout her goodbyes to Mandy and the kids, then head out with her heart beating faster, filled with excitement, like a teenager on her first date.

 Today was different though. Tomorrow would be different too. Life was different now....all because "it" had happened yesterday. There would be no more little red car. A text sent from the back of a taxi before she'd switched off her phone, removed any lingering doubt that she intended to make her journeys alone from now on. The novelty heart lamp was now in a black bin bag under her bed. She'd taken it down in a cloud of tears the night before. What had for so long been her touchstone, sat there taunting her, reminding her of her foolishness, of her naivety, of her aching loneliness. Like a block of Kryptonite to Superman, it's mere presence seemed to weaken her ever more with each passing minute. She'd thrown it in the waste paper basket in her bedroom. Then taken it out with a view to throwing it in the wheelie bin downstairs but Steve was still out tinkering and she couldn't bear the interrogation, or worse, the smart arsed comments. Abandoning the momentary thought of burying it in the back-garden like a cursed artefact, finally, in desperate need of a solution to her pain, she'd gone to the kitchen in a quiet moment and grabbed a bin bag....along with a full packet of Maryland Cookies...and some Babybels. Sleep eluded her and this time she couldn't blame the curtains. YouTube offered no solution, just salt for a gaping wound. By the time Beyoncé was insisting, "I don't think you're ready for this jelly", Kayleigh wasn't ready for anything and "jelly" was the least of her problems. She had a full day ahead of her and was facing it with an empty, broken heart.

 She must have looked as bad as she felt this morning. Mandy had paused in her usual flurry of activity to say, "Christ sis! So much for an early night. You look bloody awful!" Kayleigh replied with a half-hearted, weak voiced, "Thanks". Other than to decline dinner and make her excuses while heading up stairs the night before, it was the first words she'd spoken in more than twelve hours. Perhaps it was the tone, perhaps it was the universal language of sisterhood but it stopped Mandy in her tracks. "Seriously Kayleigh....are you alright?" For a second she wanted to scream "NO! I'm not ALRIGHT! I'm anything but! I get woken up at dawn by your bike obsessed fella, your screaming kids are driving me mental and why can't you get a lock on the bathroom door?! Oh and I got my heart ripped out of my chest last night by a man I thought might just be the love of my life and my future...and my happiness...and my whole bloody world, so NO I'm not ALRIGHT and I don't think I'll ever be ALRIGHT again!"....Instead, she said, "Yeah. I'm fine" then turned and left the kitchen and headed down the hall to her sister's suspicious gaze burning a hole in her back and the strains of Chloe shouting, "Give it back Alfie!....MUM!!!!"

 Yesterday, Today  & Tomorrow – By Over The Rainbow

Chapter Two -  "Hello darkness, my old friend"

6.15 am. The alarm didn't go off. It didn't need to and not  just because he didn't need the extra 45 minutes anymore. He got the text  while he was still stuck in traffic. "I'll make my own way from now  on". That's all it said. "I'll make my own way". He'd turned  off the radio in the car and spent the rest of the journey home in silence.  The final glimpse of the taxi heading off into the distance was burned on his  brain and kept replaying to the point of torture. By the time he got home,  his Nana was snoozing in his armchair in front of Emmerdale. The parcel,  which had seemed so urgent and yet was now so redundant, was sitting on the hall  table. Ignoring it, he decided to let her sleep for a bit. With legs like  lead, he went upstairs into his room, closed the door, sat on his bed and  cried. He cried like he hadn't cried since his Dad passed. Cried like somehow  it would make a difference. That it would be enough to make it stop. Then,  when he felt he couldn't cry anymore today, he got up, dried his eyes, washed  his face and went back downstairs.

He'd called out to his Nana as he went; concerned that he  might frighten her with his sudden appearance. She was awake and responded,  "Is that you our John?" her tiny crackling voice echoing up the  hall. "Yeah Nana it's me. You were asleep when I got in. Did you get  your tea?" She'd had the quiche. She was tired now and wanted to get  home. Get the curtains drawn. He drove her home, through quietened streets  while she told him the latest news about Paul and the holiday he'd booked and  how much Ben and Sophie were looking forward to it and what a good Dad he was  and how busy he was with his job and on...and on..and on..until it wasn't  words anymore just sound. He'd switched on her television and checked that  the back door was locked. She was paranoid about that back door. Then he'd  kissed her cheek, assured her he'd bring her a Dairy Box at the weekend and  left. Strangely, he thought as he sat in the car, she never did acknowledge  that simple gesture. Never did say thank you. He said it every time; he did  it every time and yet nothing. He couldn't remember the last time Paul called  round. At least, when it wasn't a flying visit to leave Ben and Sophie, to  "See their Nana"/get a bit of free babysitting. Maybe that's what  happens when you've got a wife and kids. Your priorities change. Then again,  it wasn't something he needed to think about. It wasn't going to happen to  him. He'd made absolutely sure of that.

In that moment, he couldn't prevent his mind drifting back  to when he gave Kayleigh that heart shaped lamp. She'd looked like a kid at  Christmas. You'd have thought he'd handed her the world, not just a plastic  novelty lamp. He remembered her talking about it. A casual aside in a stream  of chit chat. It was on offer in non-foods and she'd buy it if she had a few  quid left over at the end of the month. She wanted to cheer herself up.  Hearts always cheered her up. He'd hated seeing her so sad. There was  something profoundly wrong about Kayleigh being sad. He wanted to fix that.  Something inside him told him he needed to fix that. By the time he headed to  non-foods in pursuit of the lamp, it was sold out. His mission to locate one  then felt essential. Like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. That lamp was  his Holy Grail. He finally found one in Preston and by convincing Tom Ackerly  that a customer had requested it and he'd buy him a drink at the staff party,  it had arrived with the Tuesday morning delivery. He'd just hand it to her he  thought, not make a fuss. Then he'd found himself buying a gift bag. It would  make her smile. How he missed that smile. How he loved that smile. There was  that pain. He'd driven home, stopping briefly at the Co-op late shop for a  meal for one.

He hadn't slept that night. At least not in any useful  sense. To spare himself the piercing tone and in a final admission of defeat,  he'd turned the alarm off hours ago. He'd just lay there ever since. Not so  much staring at the ceiling as tunnelling through the darkness...only to  discover there was no light to be found, just more layers of darkness. It was  gone. The light was gone from his life. Now there was a thought to conjure  with. Not so much "gone" this time eh John, as thrown away. When  did he become such a coward? When he lost Anna? When he lost  Charlotte?....When he lost his Dad? He didn't want to think about it. Then  again, he never did. He knew he was falling in love with her. Knew he had  fallen in love with her. She was like no one else he'd ever met. Funny,  joyous and optimistic. Never letting the past get in the way of the future.  Naive and yet at times, strangely wise. So beautiful to his eyes and yet so  self-conscious and self-critical to her own. She made him happy. Stupidly.  Intoxicatingly. Completely, happy. Why the Hell did that frighten him so  much? Why didn't he stop himself?! Why didn't he stop before it hurt so  much?!...and God did it hurt. Worse still, there was no relief from it. It  was relentless. It was as though pain and loss was filling every part of his  body. That a dam had burst in his heart and he was drowning. It had been  twelve hours and yet in some ways it felt like twelve minutes and in others,  like years. The thought of her was like a knife in his chest. So he tried not  to think of her. That only made him think of her more....and round and round  it went until he was punch drunk. A substantial part of him wished he was  literally drunk. He always valued the control of being stone cold sober but  right now he longed for the oblivion of being shit faced, leathered.

This pain was new and yet in some ways it felt like an old  friend. Looking back, what hurt with Anna was the sense that he couldn't  compete. He wasn't smart enough, or cool enough or edgy enough....or anything  "enough". He was a kid with some vague notion of going to music  college one day and a part time job stacking shelves at Tesco. It was  inevitable that it would come to an end. In many ways it made his life  easier. Not least of which was that he had a few extra quid in his pocket at  the end of the month. Anna never did like paying her way and he was too much  of a gentleman to complain...or maybe he just wanted to avoid the  confrontation. When it came to fight or flight, he'd taken off more  frequently than EasyJet. It worked too in fairness. He'd never once felt the  loss of her. It was the same with Charlotte. He felt embarrassed by what  happened. He felt guilt. He felt sorry that he'd unintentionally hurt someone  he cared for. Someone who didn't "deserve" to be hurt. He wished it  all hadn't gone so far. That he'd allowed himself to be boxed into a corner  and had made promises he couldn't keep. That he'd "gone along with  it" to please everyone but himself. His father was so ill at the time  and he just wanted to make him smile, to make him happy. His Dad really loved  Charlotte. He would have adored Kayleigh. There was that pain again. For a  time after Charlotte left, he'd felt alone and part of him even missed the  companionship...and the regular sex, let's be honest... but that soon passed.  Like Anna before her, he'd never once actually felt the loss of Charlotte.  This was what was new. He felt the loss of Kayleigh. The sound of her voice,  her laugh, her smile, her eyes. Her presence in his car and in his life. That  his heart would beat faster every time he saw her. That being with her felt  right in a way that nothing else ever had or ever would again. He wished he'd  never said the things he'd said, not only because he'd caused her pain but  because he didn't mean a single word of them. Not a single word. Ironically,  the words he had meant, she'd never heard.

[hardfillytohalterbreak]

Watch out Instagram, here comes my bikini pics*!

I've had lots of people ask about what I've *really* been doing like it's a secret society or something. :)

*Also this is a joke. Only Tinder gets my bikini pics! Wait...also a joke. 

When I used the day calculator I was kind of like 'meh 103 days and only -21lbs?' But I acknowledge that that's the part of me, and our society, that wants something quick and easy with instant results. It's why we have drive thrus, keurigs and diet pills. We want it and we want it now! In life, in relationships, in business and in our health. 

I'm here to be the bringer of bad news..........it doesn't happen that way. Like...it *can* happen that way but for the majority, for us real schmucks, it just won’t.

So what changed for this gal? 

Growth.

If you watched my #BellLetsTalk Day Snap Chat story on my journey with PTSD (of which I still can’t AirDrop to my Mac for some reason) I spoke about how I told the world 2016 was about ‘Being Brave’ but on the inside it was more ‘continually scare the shit out of yourself until your fight or flight response is sacked out just like you would sack out a colt and then maybe your panic attack triggers won’t be as terrifying and unsuspecting’. That’s the Coles Notes version of my lonnnnngggg Snap story. 

But yes. 2016 RULED FOR ME in the area of growth and scaring the shit out of myself (safely) and then keep on growing. 

I read this the other day in “Daring Greatly by Brene Brown” and since you probably won’t go out and buy a book on vulnerability and I’m a fast typer, I’m going to type this shite out for you right meow:

****************************************************************************************************The Shield: Numbing

If you’re wondering if this section is about addiction and you’re thinking, This isn’t about me, please read on. This is about all of us. First, one of the most universal numbing strategies is what I call crazy-busy. I often say that when they start having twelve-step meetings for busy-aholics, they’ll need to rent out football stadiums. We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us. 

Second, statistics dictate that there are very few people who haven’t been affected by addiction. I believe we all numb our feelings. We may not do it compulsively and chronically, which is addiction, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t numb our sense of vulnerability. And numbing vulnerability is especially debilitating because it doesn’t just deaden the pain of our difficult experiences; number vulnerability also dulls our experiences of love, joy, belonging, creativity, and empathy. We can’t selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light. 

If you’re also wondering if numbing refers to doing illegal drugs or having a few glasses of wine after work - the answer is yes. I’m going to argue that we need to examine the idea of “taking the edge off,” and that means considering the glasses we drink while we’re cooking dinner, eating dinner, and cleaning up after dinner, our sixty-hour workweeks, the sugar, the fantasy football, the prescription pills, and the four shots of espresso that we drink in order to clear the fog from the wine and Advil PM. I’m talking about you and me and the stuff we do every day. 

****************************************************************************************************

DAYUM BRENE BROWN WHY YOU GOTS TO ALWAYS BRING THE TRUTH BOMBS?!?

Anyways, this explains perfectly how I have been living my life for the last 6 years. 

And then something happens when you take steps to gain control of your life.

For me personally, that looked like taking a very long Man Sabbatical to fall out of love with an unhealthy person in my life, setting goals, taking ridiculous active steps to gain control of my nervous system and the shit that scares me. 

To sum it up: I got woke

No longer would whiskey, wine and men provide me with this hold over, numbing, or coping. (They still bring me pleasure but in this way of much more moderation and healthfulness. lol)

Here’s the tricky part about getting woke...you can’t really get un-woke unless you numb again. 

So it was a decision based on alllll that good Tony Robbins teaching I got at Date With Destiny so many years ago. Tony says “If you do what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always got.” But now we woke soooo...

I have an incredible business with an incredible company, Arbonne. It’s not a dirty little secret like some people think Network Marketing companies are. Side Note: Look at your Facebook feed. People everywhere are choosing to consider different options in their lives. I’m so inspired by the badass babes & fellas I know that are like ‘yah, I’m the new face of this’ 

Since Arbonne already has a program and I already have the product I just did this weird thing where...I listened to what they said and used what I had. 

I also just ‘Let go’ so I created mini goals but no goals like “If I’m not a size 4 by June I’m not perfect”. Nahhhhhh I’m all like ‘Let’s knock a chin or two down a notch and live a better life.” 

So this is how I start my day for most of the past 103 days:

From Left to Right:

Step 1) Wake up, pee, start the kettle and take the dogs outside. 

Cup of Arbonne Herbal Tea - Contains all sorts of goodness like: Milk Thistle, Couch Grass, Sarsaparilla, Peppermint, Dandelion, Lemon Grass, Uva Ursi, Burdock and Fennel. 

2) Arbonne Protein Shake - Vegan Certified, no soy, no whey, 20 grams of vegan protein from peas, cranberries and brown rice. No shitty aftertaste. I prefer to make my blended with almond milk. The colour and flavour (comes in Vanilla & Chocolate) of my morning shake change but having one rarely does! 

3) Arbonne Fizz Stick - Besides caffeine derived from natural sources like guarana, Arbonne Energy Fizz Sticks have a blend of B vitamns, chromium, sodium, potassium, taurine, green tea extract panax ginseng,  and rhodiola rosea extract. 13 calories & less than 1 gram of sugar. This replaces my coffee most days (my personal choice) and encourages me to drink more water as I mix it with 32 oz of water. 

Then we have a meal program and recipe list but if I’m not shopping & creating out of that, the biggest plain change was learning how to cook and not feeling guilty that I’m not a big meat eater and that I do like weird things like lentils. 

Things I've wondered since I started this deal:

- Why is the only way that cauliflower tastes good is with Indian spices? 

- Why do healthy people fart more? I can promise you the prettiest people on Instagram probably smell f'ing horrible! 

- Why as a plus sized woman when you start losing weight does your phone blow up even more? Listen fucker, you didn’t love me when I’m fluffy you don’t get to love me now or anytime soon. Go love yourself! 

So now that it’s Day 103 and I’m 21 lbs down I have decided I want to KICK IT UP A KNOTCH! 

The thing I haven’t done (like at all, walking my dogs is it) is kick my activity level up...or at all. I want February to look a little different because my February goal is to be down 27-30lbs by February 28th. (Because GOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSSS) 

And to do this, I need an expert. And I just happen to have one. She’s one of my EquiSportsTherapy clients and she’s a total bad ass and best person with the biggest heart and oh...she looks like this blonde on the left hand side of your screen. 

Yah...you want the girl that’s in ‘Hot & Fit’ to help you when there is a possibility you can’t do even one sit up. (I must be craycray) But...like my ol’friend TRob says, “If you do what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always got” and what I’ve got is a muffin top! 

Seriously though. 

You need to follow Stacy on Instagram because she’s the coolest of all cools! (Don’t be a creep to her though because a) I will break your knee caps and b) she’s already seriously happy with this babe of a dude.) 

Edmonton, Alberta you are full of all sorts of hotness! DM those babes if you want to get ahold of them. 

So February goals look like:

- Continue doing what I’m doing.

- Add in Arbonne Metabolism Booster

- Add in a bit of fitness...like actual sweating that isn’t from trying to fitness pizza in mah mouth. 

- Master cooking healthy popcorn on the stove 

^^^ Goals though! lol 

Yours in adventure, 

#hardfillytohalterbreak

[sb25p]

Weekend! Weekend! Weekend!

I'm so happy because it's Friday tomorrow which means it's the weekend! 😊 I also get to see my boyfriends stupid face who left me to do some stuff with work but hey if he's living his life and doing the things he loves, that's all I care about.

Honestly I question my own loves sometimes like am I really doing what I love? I don't know to be honest or maybe I just don't know yet. I'm younger than my boyfriend by four years but I wouldn't necessarily say I'm not aspirational or successful. I'm very successful for my age I would say. I have a job, a car, a home (that I rent and takes all my f'ing money😅) I'm doing my degree which I never thought I was ever going to do but here I am. I think right now I'm trying to get from society what they are offering me and at the moment it's work experience and a free degree and then once that's all over in the next two years, I can decide what I want with my life.

Just like what my mama used to tell me when I was 13, "stick in school and study". I'm now 21 and I can hear the same voice in my head repeating those words when I feel like quitting. Isn't it crazy how long we study for? But is it worth it in the end? Absolutely. You're not doing it for anyone but yourself and if you're not doing it for yourself and you're doing it to please others and it's making you miserable, just stop. It's not quitting, it's putting yourself first. But seriously don't be worried about not knowing what you want with your life right now. It doesn't matter how old you are. You will work it out eventually and if you don't well, as long as you're happy, that's all that matters in life.