#setting boundaries as a service provider is hard and i am feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated

[fireis-catching]

a lil monday work selfie 🖤

[asinnersalibi]

You know what my deepest fear is? The thought that my child won't hear "I'm proud of you" or "I love you" enough and subsequently feel like I don't love them. I recently learned that my love language is acts of service, so I will show you that I love you before I tell you, and I fear that, at some point, my child will feel like I don't love them, and you know what that's terrifying. A little backstory, I like writing, so my brain is constantly going, and I started thinking of a story idea in the dark of my room at the restless 5 am hour, and it went a little like this:

"What is your deepest fear?"

"Heights."

"Incorrect." and it just took me aback, like what the fuck do you mean incorrect? You're a figment of my imagination. Fuck off. But it made me think, what is my deepest fear? And it occurred to me that sometimes, I don't think my caregiver thinks I love them, and it reflected on current, then future relationships. Saying "I love you" on its own is a privilege because it's something people have to earn from me, but I can say I love you and it feel like a lie. I want to mean it, so I'll show it. Whether it is indulging in your favorite show because I know how much you love to talk about it and come up with your own headcanons but never having anyone to come up with headcanons with because talking to new people is hard and social anxiety is a bitch to making the ever-standing promise to buy you a car; I mean these things wholeheartedly. This probably developed from an environment of hypocrisy and emotional manipulation, and that's a post for another day. It took me this long to be able to trust people again and the last thing I ever want is for the few people I have let into my life and do hold very dear to my heart to think I don't love them.

Now that I've left my heart out in the godless lands of Tumblr, we're going over some ways to show you love someone.

Long-Distance Relationships

Indulge in their interests. Show them you're interested in what makes them happy, find your own joy in it. Don't force yourself to like something just because your partner does, find common interests, let them find you.

Respect boundaries, some people are camera shy, hate their voice, don't like talking. Telling them their beautiful, their voice is lovely, and soothing doesn't change the personal boundaries that have been set, it pushes them. You may not like texting 24/7, calling after 19:00 (7 pm), or turning your camera on, and it is the responsibility of your loved one to respect those boundaries as well.

Compromise. Instead of your 19:00, especially for different time zones, try their 19:00, which perhaps is an hour after yours. If you live 13 hours apart, set overlapping times where you can talk and you're both comfortable, even if it's not the times you specifically set for yourself.

Buy them food. Technology has advanced so far that you can order your loved one's favorite meal and have it delivered even if you're all the way across the world.

Make exceptions (that are to be reciprocated!!). Sometimes, your loved one is having a really shitty day and they just want to talk to you at midnight, it doesn't happen often and it's not an obligation but making exceptions is not the end of the world (when they are reciprocated!!) Reciprocated does not mean making your loved one uncomfortable by forcing them out of their comfort zone because you made an exception for them. You can say no, you can compromise. Love is a learning process and you must learn to love each other or learn to make peace on your own.

Family Dynamics

Paternal Figures

Now some of these may be some of your chores, but just for consideration.

Make dinner. As breadwinners, they work to (hopefully) put food on the table. Coming home stressed out and hungry because they got caught up in work because Justin decided to clock out at noon leaving them to cover and not having the time to properly eat lunch results in an often unhappy environment. You'd be surprised how relaxing it is to come home and dinner is already on the table. (Or ready to be consumed because if you're anything like my family, we don't eat at the table.)

Clean after yourself. Parents are a pain in the ass sometimes and they will bitch about anything dirty, misplaced, or miskept, so try to, at the very least keep yourself and your spaces clean. Then, if you can, fold the laundry, clean the fridge, make them lunch.

Compromise! Look, sometimes parents were raised in environments where the adults were adults and could do whatever they wanted while children had to just deal with it. Screaming at them for outdated parenting is unnecessary stress on the entirety of the situation. Talk to them. Tell them this is overwhelming, or you're having a hard time doing this and this, and maybe you could do this and that? Don't tell them they're wrong, you don't want to be told your wrong, don't yell at them. They're trying too. Compromise.

Remind them of things. Remind them of things they were supposed to remember, remember this sibling has orchersta practice on Thursday, buy lightbulbs, the check engine light came on a couple of days ago, don't forget to check that. You know your parents best and know what they have a hard time remembering, it is helpful.

Give them breaks, too. That doesn't always have to be doing anything but just leaving them alone. Keeping your siblings (if you have any) occupied while they take a nap, get some work done, or just relax. Parenting is hard and they might not be the best parents, but they are still your parents.

Siblings aren't much different, tell them you love them, do little things for them whether it be folding their laundry, completing a chore they forgot to do or helping them with homework. Most are appreciative, others will think you've mapped out their murder. Both are good.

Cordials (Neighbors, coworkers, workers)

Watching their house, child, or pet while they run to the store. This isn't for every neighbor but for the ones who you run into every day and you've built that trust.

"Can I borrow a cup of sugar", if you are in a well enough position to provide for yourself, try to provide for others.

Cover your coworkers, within reason. If that one coworker just always takes the busiest week off, don't feel obligated to torture yourself because someone asked. If a coworker's kid just threw up and they need to pick them up from school, that's different. It's all in perspective, to me, family takes priority, to you, it may be different. Know your boundaries, know when you push them, don't let people step all over them.

Let things slide. People make mistakes, waiters mess up orders, all yelling does is make people feel worthless. Reassure them that it's okay, mistakes happen, and they can be fixed.

Children are going to play in streets, oblivious to their surroundings, if you know they're there try to be cautious. That's love to a community.

Call your family members, tell them you love them. Remind them that you know they are there. Especially as you get older.

Tip your waiters, babysitters, and nurses.

Be honest.

Know how to love people. Learn.

Show kindness, don't wonder why your life is so shitty when you treat everyone like shit. Karma's a bitch.

Learn how to smile. You don't have to love yourself, but know when it's best to love yourself by loving others.

Love. Don't hate. There's enough hate.

Remember, people love in different ways, if you, like myself, love with acts of services and your partner is a verbal lover, coexist. Your words mean the world to them and acting upon them means the world for you. That's okay, love comes in many shapes, sizes, colors, and concepts, it's finding your love, and growing with it.

That is not to say love is one-sided, loving someone is a two-way street, and you, as a lover must understand when someone is figuring out how to love you, and when they don't love you at all. The rose-tinted glasses become so comfortable to wear you forget to see the red flags and that is a distinction that takes time, patience, and experience. Don't be taken advantage of, don't let people walk all over you or cross boundaries under the concept of love, that's not love, it's manipulation. Stay safe, people, stay humble and love each other.

[wanderinglotus7]

The Legacy Continues

Well, I made it! I made it. There are three days left of 2020 until we roll into 2021. This year has been a game changer. Game changer doesn’t seen correct...life altering sounds better. My life drastically changed within the past month. Though these events threw me off my game, I recovered and bounced back even stronger. This speaks to my tremendous strength in the Lord & within myself. I continue to tell myself that the fortune teller I spoke with summer 2019 has been spot on y’all. August 2020 to now, adjust to my new life has been challenging, but I don’t regret my decision moving to Massachusetts. This decision is part of the life-course God has plan for me.

Yes, I miss my family. However, my experiences of attending Bridgewater College and traveling to Thailand has prepared me for this moment in my life. Because of covid I haven’t really been active in my new environment, but I try to take advantage of the opportunities I do have to explore my surroundings. Last week I took a nice walk and ended up exploring another part of Newton and almost ended up in the inner city of Boston (I think I walked about 8 miles in total). I took another walk into town and walked into HomeGoods on my way to Starbucks. Leaving and returning to Boston, I took the train and was able to get myself to and from the Logan airport. Small victories in my book! I am in no rush to try to experience everything all at once. I have around 4 to 5 years to embrace Boston as my new home. I already feel like it is anyway. This is my true testimony to see if I can really be responsible for myself. So far, I feel confident in achieving/excelling in this area of my life. My upbringing has prepared me, yet again, for the challenges of [young] adulthood. 

I am getting ahead of myself. I have to rewind a bit give y’all an update. December 18th was the last day of classes and finals week. I have successfully finished my first semester of grad school!!! YEAH ME!!!!! I’m telling you the hard work paid off. I did have my moments of doubt and feelings of not being good enough. I was overwhelmed. I felt like I was drowning trying to balance school, work, and my internship. On top of that, I am trying to balance a relationship along with working on my mental health. My mind & body is always on the go. No time for rest...actually there are moments of rest, but I chose not to rest instead. I have a bad habit of pushing through and bulldozing my way through my life. I don’t take the necessary time to be present and focus on what is in front of me. Sometimes, I get too focused on the future and forget to enjoy the present. I have been in this mode since mid October to the 18th. Midterms kicked me in the ass because that was around the same time I began working at chipotle. Even before Chipotle, I was falling behind on the readings and assignments for my classes. On the other hand, my internship with Amirah is not a stressor in my life because it is an experience that I am passionate about. I’m not bothered having to wake up early and end my days late when it comes to my internship because I am that committed. Being overwhelmed and stressed I passed all my midterms with good grades (all As and one B)! Then the unexpected happened...

October 29th at 11:18pm, I received a phone call from my mother informing me that my Grandmother Shirley unexpected passed away. I think they determined her cause of death was because of a heart attack. I’m not sure. Honestly, I don’t think I really want to know. I’m hoping she passed away peaceful. The news sent me into shock. I just couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it. I just had a conversation with that previous Thursday or Saturday, and the conversation went so well. She was so proud of me. She was excited for me to be home for Christmas and all these other things. It’s not the same, but at least we were able to say “I love you” before she passed. Who would’ve known that would be the last time I will ever speak to her again. And this had to happen around the holidays and around the same time that Laura Mae (my great grandmother passed away). In less than three weeks, I received a phone call and text early in the morning from my Grandma Louise and my dad telling me that my granddaddy unexpectedly passed away too. Two grandparents removed from my life at the snap of the finger.

With help from my family, I was able to fly to Virginia for both funeral services. This time I said my final good-byes unlike with Laura Mae. I didn’t want to live with that guilt. Everyone has been very compassionate, understanding, and accommodating to my situation and has given me time to grieve & heal especially regarding BC, Amirah, & Chipotle. I missed a few classes and had to receive a few extensions on a couple of assignments. I pulled through the best way I could manage in my emotional state. My emotional state didn’t get any better dealing with my relationship during this time. Some of my boyfriend’s recent decisions added more unnecessary stress in my life. I was already stressed about me introducing him to my entire family because the timeline got rushed and I wasn’t for sure if I wanted him around while I’m going through a mental & emotional meltdown. At the end of the day, he wanted to be there for me to provide his live and support and I wasn’t going to deny him of doing so. It would’ve been selfish of me to tell him “No”. Everything happens for a reason. Instead of spending maybe two weeks together, my boyfriend and I spent basically all of November together bouncing between Gloucester and Woodstock. It sucked that it had to be under sad circumstances.

Decisions, decisions, decisions that is where my mind was at. Only a few individuals gave me the needed space to focus & process my emotions. From all angles I was being pressured to make some permanent decisions in which my mind was not in the right mind frame to be thinking. I did reach out and have been receiving counseling services from the university which has been helpful. I am in the process of searching for a therapist outside of the university for long-term treatment. Though I tell myself sometimes I feel like quitting, I decided to remain a full time student, declared my concentration, and completed my field placement application for 2021-2022 academic year. I’m on tract to graduating Spring 2022. Being blessed again, I was able to receive extensions on two of my finals and on my field placement assignments. I passed all my finals! I received all As and one B+. I ended the semester with a 3.6 GPA. Not too shabby (lol). I know my grandparents are very proud of me.

I’m proud of myself! I didn’t surrender and take the easy way out. I turned 24 on the 7th which is another milestone in my life. I was shown much love that exceeded my expectations. I spent the Christmas alone, but I made the best out of my situation & was still able to connect with my loved ones. Since the 18th I devoted my downtime, and overall winter break taking better care of myself. The last week I was home, I noticed that I’ve been severely neglecting myself and it was heavily damaging my well-being. I’m growing in setting and maintaining my boundaries, learning to be present with emotions & resting, being okay with saying “no” and not feeling guilty about it. The most important lesson is not overworking myself in every aspect of my life. I am no good to myself or others if I am completely burnt out. 

I am praying that 2021 isn’t a continuation of this year. Yet, 2020 has not been all too horrible. I have been able to grow in so many ways that I am becoming a better individual. Most important, I’m continuing to learn how to be a better person for myself!

[neptunecreek]

Mastering the Art of Work/Life Balance in a Digital World

I love connecting with nonprofit technology colleagues who are also promoting work/life balance and how to avoid digital distractions.  Meet my colleague, Meico Marquette Whitlock, who  is the Founder and CEO of Mindful Techie. I’m honored to be included on a panel proposed by him, along with Carrie Rice, called “How to Conquer Technology Distraction and Burnout and Be More Present for Yourself, Team, and Organization for the 2018 Nonprofit Technology Conference. (If you’re interested in the topic, please vote.)

I had an opportunity to interview  Meico about being a Mindful Techie. Here’s what I learned:

How did you get started working in the nonprofit sector?

I’ve been involved in the sector in one form or another since I was a young kid. I landed my first “real” job in the sector when I graduated from college. I was seeking a way to combine my interest in technology and helping people. I came across a posting for an internship at TechBridge, an organization based in Atlanta that provides affordable technology solutions to non-profits and applied. The interview went so well that I was offered a full-time web developer position on the spot. Since that time, I’ve been involved in the sector helping organizations with a wide range of communications and technology challenges.

You have now moved into the area of “Mindfulness and Technology,” what inspired the move from nonprofit techie into mindfulness?

I would say that I’m still a non-profit techie. However, now I’m bringing a new tool to my work in the form of mindfulness. I’ve always been a very spiritual person, and mindfulness has played an increasingly important part of my path since I was a young adult. But I reached a point a few years ago where I felt frustrated by the separation between my personal spiritual journey and my professional work. I wanted to figure out a way to marry the two and bring my full self to my work. Simultaneously, I was struggling with burnout related to work-life imbalance and feeling overwhelmed by all the digital technology in my personal life and professional work. I realized that mindfulness was a powerful tool for me in my personal journey, so I started thinking about how I could make it work in a professional context. When I gave a talk about my challenges at the 2015 Nonprofit Technology Conference, the response was and continues to be overwhelming. Based, in part, on the responses to that talk, I saw there was a great need for tools and resources in the sector around mindfulness and technology and shifted my work to focus on it full-time.

Describe some of your mindfulness work with nonprofit organizations.

I work with organizations primarily in four different areas: tackling technology distraction, managing information overload, achieving greater work-life balance in a digital world, and mindful leadership. My work consists of interactive talks, workshops, trainings, and coaching. This year, I’ll also be offering online courses and programs.

Can you share some tips about for dealing with the stress that results from using technology, like email. I noticed that when I emailed you, you had an interesting bounce message. Can you share the strategy around that and other ways to keep mindful while using tech?

Sure. So one of the keys to managing technology-related stress is to have a clear sense of what our intentions are and what we’re trying to accomplish in a given moment. If you don’t have clear priorities, your attention is more likely to be hijacked by your email or some other distraction.

For example, with email, I think many people check it reflexively because of their device notifications, boredom, or having the false notion that busyness (e.g. checking and responding to email) equates to being productive. One simple way to manage this, in addition to having clear priorities, is to turn off the push notifications on your devices. Or if you’re using a desktop client, disable the pop-up alerts and sound effects and close or minimize the application until you’re ready to focus on email. Since I use Gmail, there’s a cool Chrome browser plug-in called Inbox When Ready that allows me to protect my focus and minimize the amount of time I spend on email by hiding my inbox when I’m not using it. That way I’m not distracted by new messages or other things when focusing on other tasks.

I also find it helpful to set healthy boundaries around my tech use. So for me, I don’t check my email first thing in the morning or before going to bed at night. And each day, I work on at least one important task I want to accomplish before opening my inbox or social media. I also carve out time to read articles or newsletters I find interesting. I use Evernote to bookmark those items to look at later. This helps me not to feel too distracted or overwhelmed by all the interesting things I want to read since I know I’ve already set aside time in my schedule to come back to them.

The last thing I’ll say here is that I encourage folks to be mindful about whether email is always the best action to take. All tech tools aren’t alike. For example, I don’t think email isn’t the best tool for instant messaging or project management. Sometimes a phone call or a quick walk down the hall to speak in person is more effective.

Many people who work for nonprofits feel overwhelmed because there is so much to do, but so little time and capacity to do it. Add to that what’s happening in our world today, and you have a recipe for stress. What’s your advice to nonprofit professionals?

In the non-profit space, I think we often feel overwhelmed because we don’t have a clear set of intentions that match with a realistic assessment of our capacity and bandwidth. So one of the first steps I take to reduce anxiety is just to get clear about my vision or what I’m trying to achieve and then identify priorities that align with that. Second, I assess how I’m investing my time. In other words, when I look at my calendar, do I actually have enough hours in a week to accomplish the priorities I’ve identified or am I’m trying to do too much at one time? Am I spending too much time on things that aren’t aligned with my priorities and vision? Someone explained this to me by sharing the analogy of the one-stop-shop Chinese restaurant. You know the one that has hamburgers, chicken wings, pizza, and a host of other things on the menu in addition to Chinese food? While the restaurant offers tons of options, what’s the quality like? Is it doing anything well? Compare that example to a taco stand that just has a handful of taco selections on the menu. That’s it.

So I tell people that you can do it all and you can have it all. But you can’t do it all at the same time. I don’t believe we can be effective over the long-term if we operate under the illusion that we can multitask and do everything at the same time and do it well. Science is showing us that the brain can really only do one thing at a time. When we are engaged in what we think is multitasking, what we’re really doing is we’re forcing the brain to switch back and forth really rapidly and creating feelings of anxiety and stress in our physical body. So I recommend folks do one task at a time and do that one thing well before moving on to something else.

For folks that are interested, I have a free Mastering the Art of Work/Life Balance in a Digital World starter kit that walks through this process in more detail.

One final thought on this point. I share with clients that the emails, projects, and other work will never stop or slow down enough for you to catch up. There will never be a perfect time to take time for you. But you can take time for yourself and the world around won’t come to an end. And, yes, it’s possible to be committed to your work and have a fulfilling personal life too. At one point, I was depressed, had gained a ton of weight, and wasn’t eating or sleeping right. My personal life was non-existent. But I had a powerful realization that even if I worked myself to death, the emails would keep rolling in and the projects would keep moving ahead. My colleagues might have had a lot of great things to say at my memorial service, but eventually, I would have been replaced and the work would have carried on like business as usual. I realized I needed to take to time re-fill regularly because I couldn’t continue to pour into my colleagues and our members from an empty cup. If I wanted to make a positive impact over the long-term, I needed to start investing as much in myself as I was investing in my work.

Given what is going in the news and our country over the past few weeks, it is very hard for us to shut it out and tune out, perhaps because we feel urgency to do something. What is your advice about consuming the news these days and how to be an activist but also balance self-care.

Wow, this is such an important question. And I think you’re right in terms of just the sheer volume of news and information that is being thrown at us every day.

The first thing I would offer is to realize that we have the power to control how we’re receiving and consuming news and other information. For me, this means that I don’t own a TV or watch the local news. When it comes to my devices, I turn off all push notifications so I’m not constantly bombarded with updates from the news or social media. I also don’t engage with my devices first thing in the morning or the last thing at night before I go to bed. I prioritize my morning routine first before I enter the world each day and my evening routine before heading to bed. I also don’t follow breaking news. I have a handful of news sources that I trust. So I listen to weekly summaries or read news roundups about important news items to stay in the loop about what’s happening in the world.

I also reflect regularly through meditation and other mindfulness practices on what are my gifts and talents and how I’ve been called to use them to be of service. In many cases, folks in the non-profit space are working for organizations that serve a cause that’s really important to them. And being aligned with the work of your organization can be an asset when you might feel helpless about what’s happening in the news because you can remind yourself that you’re making a positive impact on the world. That you are already using your gifts and talents to serve your organization and the communities it supports. It’s really important to acknowledge this.

Folks can also engage in what I call planned giving and activism. What I mean is that every so often there’s a natural disaster like Harvey and the fundraising teams for organizations like the Red Cross kick in high gear. So you give money and volunteer. Or maybe you buy Girl Scout Cookies or make a one time donation to the canvasser outside your office building raising money to save the whales or feed children in Africa. How much money and time does that add up to over the course of a year? What if you selected one or two organizations you really cared about and then donated your time and money to them on a consistent basis? While organizations like one-time donations or volunteers, consistent givers and volunteers help make their work more sustainable. Even if it’s just $5-10 or a few hours each month. My point here is that if you’re regularly using your gifts, talents, and resources to make an impact (even if it’s “small” or incremental), you can be grounded in knowing you’re making a difference and not feel as helpless when the latest batch of “bad” news comes your way. I may not be able to do it all, but I can do something.

Finally, even when time and money are limited, you can always offer loving-kindness to any person, place, thing, or situation. So, one of the things I do when I find myself feeling helpless or in judgement is to offer this silent affirmation: “May you be wellness, wholeness, happiness, and freedom from all manner of suffering.”

What are your favorite podcasts and blogs that you read that are on mindfulness?

For podcasts, I love Thriving Mindfully by Ananda Leeke. She’s been doing this work a while, but it’s still simple, accessible, and down to earth.

I also love Kyle Cease’s Youtube channel. I guess it’s technically not a podcast. Kyle’s a transformational speaker and comedian and posts several times a week.

For blogs, I like Self-care by Aisha, Mindful Magazine, Thrive Global, and Harvard Business Review. I know some people might be surprised by the last one, but the Harvard Business Review has a ton of great resources on the topic, particularly for folks looking at the intersection of mindfulness and organizational leadership.

Anything else you want to share?

For folks that are interested, I have a free Mastering the Art of Work/Life Balance in a Digital World starter kit. You can get a copy here and I’m teaching the Master the Art of Work/Life Balance in a Digital World online course that starts on September 7.  The course is essentially FREE and you can pay what you can if you sign-up by August 31. After that time, the price will be the suggested value of $97.

  from Beth’s Blog http://ift.tt/2wlCvaq