#sharingsarahthoughts

[sarahkartika]

Rage in Pink

She sat on the edge of the window in a pink satin robe. Her legs crossed and a smirk was painted on her face. I looked at her annoyingly.

“What now?” I sat beside her and looked at her piercing eyes while positioning myself on the window seals. 

She scoffed.

“Pretending not to know is not wise.” She moved her fingers left to right several times. She was so irritating.

I wanted to get rid of her badly. To be honest, she was terrifying. She could do things that were beyond norm and logic. She was purely evil. Sometimes, I found bruises mainly on my right knuckles without my consciousness. After that, whenever I asked her why and how did I get those, she only gave me a mysterious smile. Well, I knew that she caused me harm physically and mentally, she just never admitted it.

“Well, it’s not like I can control everything. It just happened.” My fingers ran through my dried black hair. She laughed, quite hard actually.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Oh poor lamb. Do not fear. I am with you, always.”

That’s what I was afraid of. I did not want to be close to her. However, she was my shadow…she was me.

“Stop it already and go away.” I stood up and looked at her furiously.

“Your disappointment over everyone you loved is actually interesting.”

I could not hold my anger anymore. I slapped her and the sound was quite satisfying. It was the first slap I have ever done to anyone. Tragically, I did it to my alter ego.

She touched her cheeks and giggled.

“Yeah, that’s it. Be mad. Be angry. Let it all out.” She stood up and held my face with her claws. She got her nails done today. Blue and glittery nails stuck into my flesh. I could feel warm liquid gushing out from my cheeks.

“You’re hurting me.” I held my breath trying not to be provoked by her ironically true words.

“I am not. You are hurting yourself, honey.” She let her fingers away from my face and licked my blood and wound that she created. What a wicked woman.

Again, I held my breath and tried to forget all the negativity that came from her immoral mouth.

I was just introduced by the pain and disappointment. I realized that everyone that I loved did not love me back equally. My feeling was genuine, or so I thought. I did not know that deep down, I expected that they would love me back just the same. However, when I knew that their priority list lacked my name, it was just extremely painful. I could not eat properly. Rice tasted like paper, salted veggies were bland in my mouth, I could not even differentiate which one was rubber and chicken anymore. It was so strange. I hated it. Everything was a mess. My heart hurt yet I could not express those emotions to anyone. People would judge and show disapprovals to everything I'd said. I had experienced it so many times. My surroundings were not exposed to those kind of things which made it so hard to cope with my breakdown.

“I just want to be happy.” I said very loudly. I was crying silently. 

She stared at my face very intensely. I could smell her coffee breath meaning she was just an inch from my nose. It was shockingly pleasing. Her cold hands reached my whole body and brought me into her embrace. 

I cried harder and clenched my hands into fists. I did not hug her back, but I rested my head on her shoulders. It was comfortable, she had distinctive sweet-scented body. It was like an extract of green apples which I was really fond of.

“I know, I know.” She repeated those words just like a spell. Her hands kept rubbing my back as if it would heal me instantly.

I dried out those salty tears from my reddish eyes. We laid down on the bed for few minutes, facing the ceiling while holding hands. I wished time would stop ticking at this very comfortable moment. We had indescribable relationship, and we both were aware of that fact.

“I never hated you, you are part of me.” I said, almost like a whisper. She did not give any response. I faced her and realized that she smiled widely, still looking at the ceiling. To tell the truth, I was jealous of the ceiling.

“But, would you let me control you?” 

She giggled. Hah, I could hear those soothing voice for hours.

“What's with that dominance behavior? Are you trying to intimidate me?” I felt she tightened her grip to my hand.

“Yes.” 

“That’s disgusting and also sweet.” She kissed me on the cheek. Her maze mind was too complicated to be understood. 

“Please.” I begged.

“Maybe we need to date several times before you can control me.” She teased me and I disliked it. I just plainly disapproved the idea.

“You are me, I cannot date me.” I laughed at her ridiculous statement.

“Yes you can, I’ll teach you how to understand me more.”

By her last words, I immediately cried again but this time was happy tears.

“Thank you…Rage.”