#interpretyourself

[sarahkartika]

Blue Velvet Girl

She sat there majestically with a long blue velvet gown which glistened by the sunlight. I appreciated the view while having breakfast on my bed. My eyes were satisfied with the beauty. I did not know what I was looking at. It was shown through a huge mirror surrounded by a golden frame. I saw a garden filled with peach trees and cat’s ear flowers spreading out everywhere. She sat on the wooden chair in the middle of that garden. Her blue velvet dress looked vivid in the midst of a warm-tone background. I totally forgot about toasted bread and a glass of milk on the counter. 

“Do you like what you see?” Her sparkly eyes stared at me. I gasped due to her charming gaze and I nodded.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I am…I don’t know who I am. All I know is I exist because of you.” I blinked a few times. What kind of nonsense she was talking about.

“Pardon?” I did not realize that I used a formal gesture on her. It might be due to her elegant aura that smeared through all my surroundings. 

“What do you think of me?” She asked while putting down her comb onto her lap.

I doubted a little and hummed.

“It’s okay. Just let your thoughts out about me.” She encouraged me to state my opinion.

“I am seeing a beauty that could erase all of my worries, could heal my wounds, and calm my nerves down.” 

She giggled. Oh how soothing.

“I am glad, may I state my opinion on you too?” 

“Yes, of course.” It took me less than a second to answer.

She changed her position to face me. Her slender fingers pushed some strands of her hair to her right ear. Her long lashes moved a few times alongside her eyeballs to scan me.

“I am looking at a ticking bomb which could explode anytime, a punchbag that has been beaten several times, and a gray painting without a single vibrant color.” 

I listened to her truth but hurtful statement, word by word.

“Okay…” I tried to keep a straight face. Well, everything she said was spot on, I could not complain. It had been ages since no one ever said things about me.

“So, about what you said earlier, why did your existence happen because of me?”

She stood up and walked closer. As she walked, I could not help not to stare. It might be considered rude, but who cares. She was as pretty as the shining aurora in the north pole.

I waited patiently as she got closer and closer to the surface of the mirror. I felt like I could touch her right away.

She put her right hand on the other side of the mirror.

“Please be closer and put your hand on mine.” I did as she told me.

Suddenly, everything became blurry and distorted.

I was nauseous, there was an urge to vomit but I held it down. 

“Keep your eyes on me.” She commanded.

The scene changed into something familiar. I believed this was my childhood memory. 

There was a little girl who swayed her body on the swing. Her little hands held onto the chain suspender. She smiled widely and sometimes giggled. From what I saw, there was no one around her. She was playing by herself in this playground. 

After some time, she fell to the ground. Her knee was bleeding pretty bad. She was crying and trying hard to clean her wounds with her hands. She chanted to herself “I’m okay…I’m okay.” so many times.

Suddenly, the sky turned reddish and the vibe around her became terrifying. Many strangers showed up, I did not know where they came from. All just happened in a split second. 

After that, one huge figure amongst the crowd came closer to her. It looked like a grown up male and had an intimidating aura. I could not catch his face, but I realized the thick mustache that was attached to his frown face. I knew this person very well. My chest hurt and my breath became rapid. It felt like someone just choked my neck. I could not help not being extremely furious. However, I was the only figure that was not related to this particular scene. Therefore, I could not do anything for the poor little girl. 

The huge figure put both of his hands on his waist while shouting at her loudly. It drew attention from all the strangers. They saw the poor girl from afar and sometimes whispered to each other. She hid her face down between her knees due to shame caused by his scolding and screaming. He said horrible things about how clumsy and stupid she was, and how came she hurt herself just by playing by herself. I could imagine the shame and pain both in her heart and wounds. 

I stepped back a little and the scene turned into my bedroom very quickly. Then, I could see the beautiful girl that stood still in front of me. I had so many questions in my head, but all I could ask was only,

“What was that?” I tried to calm myself down and sat on my bed. 

“That was a scene when you and I were born. We were separated by his abusive treatment that happened daily during our childhood. We could not do a single thing wrong or else, he would abuse us verbally.”

I just realized that our faces looked similar. She was me, but different.

I sobbed and put both of my hands on my face.

“I am sorry I cannot recognize you.” I apologized to her and she smiled beautifully.

“It’s okay, dear. I want to assure you that there is me within you. I will never leave you alone, ever.”

I nodded several times before crying out loud.

[sarahkartika]

Rage in Pink

She sat on the edge of the window in a pink satin robe. Her legs crossed and a smirk was painted on her face. I looked at her annoyingly.

“What now?” I sat beside her and looked at her piercing eyes while positioning myself on the window seals. 

She scoffed.

“Pretending not to know is not wise.” She moved her fingers left to right several times. She was so irritating.

I wanted to get rid of her badly. To be honest, she was terrifying. She could do things that were beyond norm and logic. She was purely evil. Sometimes, I found bruises mainly on my right knuckles without my consciousness. After that, whenever I asked her why and how did I get those, she only gave me a mysterious smile. Well, I knew that she caused me harm physically and mentally, she just never admitted it.

“Well, it’s not like I can control everything. It just happened.” My fingers ran through my dried black hair. She laughed, quite hard actually.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Oh poor lamb. Do not fear. I am with you, always.”

That’s what I was afraid of. I did not want to be close to her. However, she was my shadow…she was me.

“Stop it already and go away.” I stood up and looked at her furiously.

“Your disappointment over everyone you loved is actually interesting.”

I could not hold my anger anymore. I slapped her and the sound was quite satisfying. It was the first slap I have ever done to anyone. Tragically, I did it to my alter ego.

She touched her cheeks and giggled.

“Yeah, that’s it. Be mad. Be angry. Let it all out.” She stood up and held my face with her claws. She got her nails done today. Blue and glittery nails stuck into my flesh. I could feel warm liquid gushing out from my cheeks.

“You’re hurting me.” I held my breath trying not to be provoked by her ironically true words.

“I am not. You are hurting yourself, honey.” She let her fingers away from my face and licked my blood and wound that she created. What a wicked woman.

Again, I held my breath and tried to forget all the negativity that came from her immoral mouth.

I was just introduced by the pain and disappointment. I realized that everyone that I loved did not love me back equally. My feeling was genuine, or so I thought. I did not know that deep down, I expected that they would love me back just the same. However, when I knew that their priority list lacked my name, it was just extremely painful. I could not eat properly. Rice tasted like paper, salted veggies were bland in my mouth, I could not even differentiate which one was rubber and chicken anymore. It was so strange. I hated it. Everything was a mess. My heart hurt yet I could not express those emotions to anyone. People would judge and show disapprovals to everything I'd said. I had experienced it so many times. My surroundings were not exposed to those kind of things which made it so hard to cope with my breakdown.

“I just want to be happy.” I said very loudly. I was crying silently. 

She stared at my face very intensely. I could smell her coffee breath meaning she was just an inch from my nose. It was shockingly pleasing. Her cold hands reached my whole body and brought me into her embrace. 

I cried harder and clenched my hands into fists. I did not hug her back, but I rested my head on her shoulders. It was comfortable, she had distinctive sweet-scented body. It was like an extract of green apples which I was really fond of.

“I know, I know.” She repeated those words just like a spell. Her hands kept rubbing my back as if it would heal me instantly.

I dried out those salty tears from my reddish eyes. We laid down on the bed for few minutes, facing the ceiling while holding hands. I wished time would stop ticking at this very comfortable moment. We had indescribable relationship, and we both were aware of that fact.

“I never hated you, you are part of me.” I said, almost like a whisper. She did not give any response. I faced her and realized that she smiled widely, still looking at the ceiling. To tell the truth, I was jealous of the ceiling.

“But, would you let me control you?” 

She giggled. Hah, I could hear those soothing voice for hours.

“What's with that dominance behavior? Are you trying to intimidate me?” I felt she tightened her grip to my hand.

“Yes.” 

“That’s disgusting and also sweet.” She kissed me on the cheek. Her maze mind was too complicated to be understood. 

“Please.” I begged.

“Maybe we need to date several times before you can control me.” She teased me and I disliked it. I just plainly disapproved the idea.

“You are me, I cannot date me.” I laughed at her ridiculous statement.

“Yes you can, I’ll teach you how to understand me more.”

By her last words, I immediately cried again but this time was happy tears.

“Thank you…Rage.”