#she called me blue yesterday and i wanted to fucking cry bc it felt so right and i barely even noticed bc i am blue

[navysealt4t]

btw. crying.

[jay-and-dean]

Frozen Sleep

(Dean x Reader)

This is a request by @acklesterritory​ :

So I'm just wanna take my chance and request a Dean x Reader imagination where the reader got hypothermia and Dean had to rescue her and take care of her all by himself bc there is a scary storm out there and Cas is somewhere else doing angel stuff. And all he got as help is Sammy who's arm is already broken in the last haunt. All angst and fluff. May I ask? 😍

Words :  4.4 k

Warnings : Hurt reader obviously. A hint of Angst. Fluff. Fluffy Smut.

Words : 2.4 k

Note : I wanted to do this one  because I do have a condition that makes me have hypothermias easily and so I really hate cold.

This is written both on Reader and Dean’s Pov

Want to read more => ***MASTERLIST***

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Reader’s Pov

             One step after the other. One step after the other… One step…

Dean is so strong, look at him, his footsteps crush the snow like it was nothing, when it’s basically biting my legs with each movement.

           He’s holding my hand and it’s the only part of my body that is not horribly painful. The wind is made of needles, each snowflake that touches me feels like somebody was beating me up… And right now, thousands of them are harassing my body all at once, every second.

           He walks too fast… And his legs are so long, how am I supposed to follow ?

           Sam tells him something but I can’t hear it… the wind is deafening and the pain… It’s screaming in my ears.

           Dean turns toward me, but I can’t see him clearly because of that darkness everywhere, or is it in my eyes ? Even the threatening white of that harrowing snow is dark.

“Y/n ? Look at me… Less than two miles, I promise…”

I try to answer, to show him I’m strong, but no words come out of my mouth.

“I know you’re cold… We… We will make it okay ? You stay with me sweetheart.”

 Dean’s Pov

             Sam is right, she’s won’t make it to the cabin, not like that. Her eyes are slightly rolling and she’s having trouble to speak : Hypothermia.

“I know you’re cold… We… We will make it okay ? You stay with me sweetheart.”

Stay with me… Y/n stay with me I’m begging you.

           The storm is becoming worse, and walking against it seems almost impossible, but we have too. She has no one, no one but me. Our phones are dead, cold killed their batteries, and there is no service anyway. Sam is hurt, his arm in that stupid cast, his ribs broken… I don’t even know how he can still be walking without any complain.

“I will carry her” I tell him but he shakes his head.

“Dean… She’s having hypothermia, i-if you carry her… she will fall asleep.”

“Son of a bitch !” I yell, but the storm suffocates my anger.

           She’s shaking like she was going to convulse, her hand is so cold that I feel like tugging at a corpse arm.

           I’m so scared. I’m so angry. And I’m so cold.

           Y/n, she… She can’t die. I can’t lose her, and Sam knows that, that’s why he’s looking at me like someone had shoot my puppy. Dammit yesterday morning, yesterday morning I did it again…

“Y/n, you hold on, I need you to hold on” I get closer, wrapping my arms around her waist, like I could give her a little of my heat. I would give it all of it if I could. “Hold on sweetheart.”

 Reader’s Pov

             I wish I could feel him, when he wraps that strong arm around me, but I don’t feel anything but pain and we wear too much clothes anyway.

           I would give anything to feel him. To feel is skin stick to my fingers because of sweat, his muscles roll under my palms while he buries himself between my legs.

That’s where I love him the most : between my legs. And I never told him.

           I feel dizzy, and the snowflakes don’t melt on my skin anymore, so my lashes are covered in them. I can’t see clearly.

           What happens when we die ? I mean, I know what happens after… I have that privilege, -or maybe it’s a curse-. But just… dying. I know a man or two that actually lived that a few times… I could ask…them -I’m so tired-… if… that… feels… like… that…

“Y/n !” Dean’s voice make my heart beat suddenly too fast, and too strong. “Sammy, she really can’t walk… If we don’t make it to the cabin…”

His voice is different, I never heard it like that. He’s worried, scared maybe even, and I know him, he feels responsible, he always does.

           I want to tell him everything is going to be okay, but I never lied to Dean, and right now, I feel like I’m dying.

           I can’t. Dean has suffered so much, he can’t lose another friend, not in his arms, not again… Who will wake him up from nightmares ? Who will make him homemade pies ? Who will be here, when he doesn’t want to spend the night alone ? When he needs the comfort of caresses and kisses, when he needs to hide from the world deep inside of me ?

“I can w-walk” I say, the air ripping my lungs coming out of it.

But my heartbeats… They’re singing a song I don’t know.

 Dean’s Pov

             I can feel my jaw tremble and I have no idea if it’s cold, or that awful fear.

“I can w-walk” she mutters weakly, but after ten more steps, she falls on her knees in the deep snow before I can catch her. And seeing her body fail like this, it rips my heart in half.

“Y/n !”

I squat to take her in my arms, and let out a groan of effort when I lift both our bodies. I feel weak, and the cold is biting my legs, but I would carry her across the world if I had too.

           Bridal style, in my arms, she rests her head on my shoulder, but with a harsh shake of it, I make her move it, forbidding rest.

“Don’t fall asleep, talk to me. If you stop talking, I put you on the ground again, understood ?”

“Y-yes…” she whines.

I know she’s hurt, I know it’s so hard for her, and I want to cry just knowing how she must be struggling.

“I sh-shouldn’t have eaten all those pancakes f-for breakfast…” she tries to joke. “I wouldn’t be so heavy…”

“You’re as light as a feather sweetheart.”

Sam looks at us, that pained look on his face, he can see my thighs tetanize from cold and effort. He comes closer and wipes her pale face where snow is covering her quickly.

“People with hypothermia feel distracted, and tend to lose some memories, Y/n… Why don’t you try to focus on a memory, and tell us” he says kindly, blowing on her hands.

“Me-memory…” she whispers so low I wouldn’t have known if I wasn’t watching her blue lips. “I remember s-summer…” she starts.

“Of course you do” I fake a smile when she searches my face.

“That ghost in Tennessee… D-Dean was sick.”

“Damn rabbit food !” I grunt, remembering how bad that weird fruit had made me.

Sam wipes her face again, his good hand holding hers.

“I had to stay with you all night… Y-you w-were puking your guts…” she closes her eyes a little too long so I shake her a little, panic immediately electrocuting my spine.

But she doesn’t open them right away.

“Y/N !”

“A-and…” she continues like she hadn’t realize she passed out for a second. “Th-That was the first time I slept in his-your… Dean ?”

“I’m here” I state, almost choking on the frozen tears in my throat. “Keep talking beauty, we’re almost there.”

“What was I s-saying ?”

“That I got sick in Tennessee” I answer, frowning at Sam.

“Yeah… I slept next to you… and you t-took me in your arms.”

           I did. I took her in my arms that night. I had dreamed of doing it, and the night I finally overcome my fear of getting attached, I was sweating and smelled like vomit… I never stopped since then, I never stopped keeping her close. Struggling between the need of her and the fear of getting really involved, I kept snuggling up in her arms and pushing her away to protect her ; look where it got her.

“I wish I could perceive your smell… I-it always calms me… But I c-can’t smell anything. Or… maybe… the feathers are too heavy…”

“Y/n !” Sam calls. “Hey ! Look at me ! I have a memory I would like to share with you.”

He looks up at me, but his eyes are piercing me like he was praying to God knows who that this will catch her attention.

“Remember that night Dean got drunk and went out by himself ?”

I frown, and look down at her, begging my legs to make it to the cabin, counting in my head, if I can do three steps more, it means I can do ten, if I can do ten… Fuck why do my knees hurt so much, like ice was stuck on the cogs of it. Just like her, I try to focus on the story Sam is telling. She’s fighting so hard.

“I do…” she whines, like she was crying.

“Why did he left ?” Sam asks, slightly slapping her face now. The gesture makes me bite my cheek.

Stay with me, Y/n…

“He was in pain… I-I don’t remember why…”

I swallow hard. I was in pain because nothing felt right, because mom was gone, and Jack was gone… And I wanted her but I couldn’t do this anymore : Take her like she was mine, mark her body to feel like she belongs to me… And watch the hickeys from the other side of the room in the morning, while she doesn’t even try to hide them anymore.

Like yesterday morning, when I had to push her arm to get up and dress, when I saw the hurt in her eyes as she watched me leaves her again without a word…

“No need to remember why” Sam keeps talking to her. “What did you do that night ?”

What did she do ? What does he mean ?

“I… looked for a s-spell…”

“What spell ?” my brother insists.

“A spell t-to take his pain away…”

 Reader’s Pov

             My heart is not beating as usual and my legs are burning, like they were in flames… It’s been worse though, the pain is fading a little, or I’m just turning off… breathing is becoming hard. I feel like what Sam is asking is way beyond my strength. I just want to let go so bad.

“A spell t-to take his pain away…”

“Yes… Because seeing Dean suffer is unbearable, remember ? That’s what you told me that night. You were desperate to see him sad” Sam’s voice reaches me despite the wind.

I just wish Dean was here now… If I die and go to Heaven, I’m sure my Heaven will be him between my legs… I want that. I want that so bad. I let my head go back a little but I’m suddenly shaken…Wait… I open my eyes and see him just above me. My Dean. I could I forget…

“Now imagine the amount of pain he will feel if you let go right now” Sam says and I frown. “Imagine if you die in his arms now.”

I feel a sob escape my lips, but I’m not sure I’m actually crying, because my tears must have frozen.

“That’s unfair…” I whine, fighting against a cold that suddenly became more painful than it ever was, the frozen flames biting my muscles hard. “I can’t…”

“You can sweetheart” Dean says. “I need you with me.”

 Dean’s Pov

             Sam asked her to enumerate things, the seven deadly sins, the ways to kill a vampire, her favorite books… And she’s struggling, she’s so brave.

           My heart is in my throat. Y/n, she likes me a lot, I know that, I can feel it in the way she’s always trying to protect me from everything, in the way she always comes to my defense, in the way she comes so easily when I touch her, in the way she clings to me at night…

           But I don’t like her, I love her. Maybe she can feel it in the way I always push her away after having her close…

           What Sam said, what she said… If she loves me…

           I never knew that feeling. I mean, I keep on saying I am used to losing dear ones, but, one doesn’t get used to it. And, it was always so brutal, feeling someone slowly drift in my arms is different. Worse in a way.

And it’s Y/n…  

           My eyes widen and take a deep shaky breath.

“The cabin, sweetheart ! We made it !”

But she doesn’t answer.

“Y/n !” Sam calls but she’s not reacting to his little slaps. “Dean, we have to hurry.”

             When I enter the cabin, I stop counting my steps, and my legs let go. I fall heavily on my knees, felling the wood cut through my soaked jeans and frozen skin.

“Dean !” Sam calls, but all I can do is cling to her, and push her cheek with my nose.

“I’m okay” I groan. “Just close the door ! We need to warm her up !”

Sam closes the door and the wind gets trapped outside, I sigh in relief.

           With trembling hands I put her on the floor and starts taking her soaked jacket off, this wasn’t made for this weather. Underneath, her sweater is wet too, so I take it off. My own fingers are numb from that horrible cold so I struggle a little.

           Without asking anything, Sam takes the backpack I was carrying off of my back. Making me grunt at the impossibility of taking her clothes off more for a second.

“Y/n… Y/n… Don’t be in a coma… Please wake up… I’m begging you…” I keep calling her while I finally take her t-shirt off, leaving her pale body in just her pants and bra.

           I take my coat off and check my flannel, it’s not wet. Sam hands me the blanket that’s on the cabin’s bed, and I can see he hesitates to tell me to put her on the bed. I will. But right now, I’m not sure I can stand, and she needs to get rid of those damp freezing clothes as soon as possible.

           As I try to dress her with my flannel, I freak out : her inert body looks like she was already dead. My tears start to fall on her.

“Please baby… Help me with that okay…” but her arms fall like I’ve seen so many times on other people, less important people… “Please. You can’t leave me… I love you Y/n…”

           A sudden feeling of warmth wraps us with a comforting light. Sam managed to light up a fire in the old fireplace.

“Bring her here” he says.

I close the flannel on her body and let out a growl when I get up, just to make a few steps and fall on my knees again, cutting deeper in my skin, next to the fireplace. Her lips are blue. Sam checks her pulse while I wrap her in the cover, squeezing her tight against me.

“She’s here, she just fainted because her heart is slow” Sam says, sitting in a sore whine next to us.

He starts undoing her shoes and she whines a little when he tugs at it, taking her socks with it. That little sound is the first clue of her life, and my frozen heart starts to melt.

“Jesus Sam” I say when I see how blue her feet are.

I push her pants off, making sure her panties stays in place. Her legs are as blue as her feet, and bruises are forming on it from the blood not running correctly in her veins.

“You must be in so much pain, baby…” I whine, holding back my sobs.

           I cover her legs with the cover and my brother takes her feet between his thighs.

           Silence.

“She’s going to live Dean” Sam finally says in a serious frown, and only now, I notice how shaking he is, how soaked his hair.

“There are other blankets, Sammy, and pillows, look” I point at the couch with my chin, where another blanket and some dusty pillows lay. “Bring them all, take the blanket for you.”

He gets up and comes back with everything in his giant arms, even the couch’s big pillows.

“Your knees are bleeding, Dean” he says. “And you’re in your t-shirt.”

I nod, not really listening, she moved her face on my chest.

I push her hair, and notice some strands are frozen. So I bend my head, and put my lips on her forehead, determined to give her all my heat.

           Sam is trying to get things out of the bag, but his wounded body fights against him. He wants to give me water, but I won’t take my lips off her skin.

“We made the worst of it already, Dean, we’re only a few miles away from the Impala, the road and that diner where we had breakfast” Sam says. “We have food and water, so we will be okay.”

I’m not if she doesn’t wake up.

           All I can think of is all the times I didn’t enjoy waking up next to her. Now she might never come back from her frozen sleep, and I would give anything to come back to yesterday morning.

“I love her, Sam.”

“I know” he sighs.

“No I mean, I’m in love with her.”

“Yes, Dean, I know. You should tell her that. You will. Okay, Dean ? She’s not dead, she’s strong. You will tell her.”

 Reader’s Pov

             I open my eyes and the light seems to burn them in the corner. Something very warm is on my forehead, like a piece of ember, but soft.

           Little drops of water fall on my face… Where am I ?

           It suddenly comes back like a scream in my head, the storm, the pain, the snow digging holes to my flesh.

           Those drops are soft and warm. And my body still hurts so I’m not dead. I remember promising Sam I won’t, for Dean. My Dean. He’s cold too, where is he ?

“Dean…” I whisper.

“Y/n ?” the piece of soft ember moves and the smell of the man I love reaches my senses. “I’m here, Sweetheart.”

           I look up and he is here, just above me, tears on his face. He puts his forehead on mine and kiss the corner of my mouth.

           It’s night, it was not supposed to be night before a few hours…

“I can’t move” I say, still a little confused.

“Yes, you’re weak and I’m holding you close, look : You’re in a big blanket and there is a fireplace.”

“You’re shaking” I say. “And you’re in a t-shirt… Come in the cover with me.”

He chuckles, a few more tears reaching his chin.

“Don’t worry for me, Y/n…”

“I always do” I say, trying to move because I know how stubborn he is.

“Okay, okay…” he sighs.

           While he laboriously moves his body in a grunt, my mind slowly becomes clearer, and I turn my head to see Sam sleeping on the couch, with a too little blanket on his giant body.

“Is Sam okay ?” I frown.

“Yes… He’s just exhausted with those wounds and all, I gave him a strong pill for pain, it might have knocked him out, he tried to stay awake but he drifted at some point” Dean says, taking the blanket off of me to sit me between in legs. “I hope he’s not too cold, but I think the fire is keeping this room at a habitable temperature…”

I struggle to stay straight, so I let go my head back on his chest. He puts the both of us in the large blanket and wraps his arms around me. His body’s heat is like a bath, his thighs caging mine, his chin on my head. Paradoxically, I never felt so safe.

He will probably ignore me tomorrow, he will most likely suddenly act like we always were those simple friends, and make our passionate nights disappear with a friendly peck on my cheek ; but I don’t care…

           He grabs my weak legs to bend them against me, to make sure my feet are under the covers, and gently blows with his mouth wide open against my neck, to cover it with his hot breath.

           I can still fell the held back sobs against my back.

“Dean… Why are you crying ?” I dare, grabbing his hand in mine under the blanket.

He doesn’t answer, of course he doesn’t. I sigh and squeeze his hand in my still cold fingers, just to let him know that I am here.

“I thought you were going to die…” he whispers, his husky but smooth voice, so close to my ear. “You were frozen and… And sleeping this sleep that looks like death.”

“I’m sorry” I say, not sure what I can tell.

“Don’t be… I’m the one who brought us here.”

I can’t see him, but I feel his body contract and I know him by heart, so much I actually can picture his face in my head, with his jaw clenched, and that self-hatred darkness in his eyes.

“Don’t blame yourself…”

A dark chuckle.

“Dean… The storm wasn’t expected. And my clothes…” I sigh. “I need to buy a coat.”

“I could have given you mine” he grunts.

“Oh yeah and we both would be lying cold as ice somewhere in this forest… You saved me. Again.”

I love you.

He kisses the side of my neck and just behind my ear. His gesture is soft and pure, like it always is when he touches me, like it was meant to be…

“I’m sorry for yesterday” he says low, his lips barely grazing my ear.

Yesterday ? Is he talking about yesterday morning ? He never does, he never talks about those times we have together, almost leaving me believing they were dreams.

“I’m a coward” he sighs, and his face nuzzles in the crook of my neck.

“You’re pretty far from that, Dean.”

“When it comes to feelings, I am. You know that” he murmurs and his fingers start to play with mine. “You’re so patient and loving… Sweetheart, you know I love you, right ?”

 Dean’s Pov

             A burning feeling roams my whole body, and I know she can feel how hot I suddenly am. She was so brave, she is so brave. Fighting for her life, fighting for her friends, fighting for me when I just keep letting her down.

“Sweetheart, you know I love you, right ?”

She takes a deep breath and I hold mine, my feet bending inward, like I could cage her more.

“To be honest Dean…” she sighs and my heart falls in a loud crashing sound. “Knowing it is not easy… Sometimes I manage to convince myself of it… When you show me, when you give yourself so completely to me…”

When she says that, I close my eyes, images of her pretty thighs holding her body above me, of her teeth grazing my chest… And I feel blood rushing south.

           I kiss her jaw and she turns her head to let me reach her lips. Her skin is still not perfectly warm, but she’s not cold anymore, her body is not shaking and her lips are so cutely pink.

           When she feels my body grow on her lower back, a smile appears on her face. I know that smile.

           She suddenly starts to move, and I protest a little, wanting her to stay close to me, and away from the cold. But she just turns in my arms, pushing my legs down and straddling me, before I close the blanket around us again.

“What are you doing ?” I murmur, pecking her lips.

But she doesn’t answer with her voice. She starts opening my jeans and my eyes widen.

“Baby you just came near death” I grunt, but she grabs my cock with no more warnings or anything.

I gasp.

“Yes… I see no better reason” she smiles against my lips, before claiming my mouth with her sweet, demanding tongue.

“Y/n…” I moan when she pushes her panties to the side and rubs herself against my throbbing length. “Sam is just here…”

“So be quiet…” she whispers before sinking slowly on me, swallowing me like I was made for her. No foreplay, no games… My lady wants me.

I hide in her neck and try to muffle the moans escaping my lips, she grabs my head in both hands and her thighs start to shake ; but not that pre orgasms quake I know by heart, her legs are weak, sore…

           So I grab her waist and push her a little off me, before I bring her so close again, the tip of my cock touches her cervix.

“Dean…” she whispers, out of breath, digging her nails in my scalp, the cover falling a little without my arms to hold it. “I love you between my legs… I…” Her walls are clenching around me and she holds my head against her with both hands like it was the most precious thing. “I needed to tell you that…”

My fingers dig in her waist but I’m too tired to really thrust, so I grind. I grind hard and rub her pelvis against mine in held back groans.

           Sweat breaks through the skin of my back and the fireplace suddenly feels to be burning my jeans, making it almost painful against my legs.

           Being inside of her, even in a lost tiny crappy cabin in a haunted wood with a snow storm raging… It feels like home. Every time.

Home.

And I’m not ashamed to feel my climax built so soon, after so few efforts. Just because we were there and together, and because she needed that connection I only gave her during sex until now.

           But that will change…

“I love you…” I gasp when I cum so deep inside her, and she falls silent, wrapping her arms around my neck to hold on to me, and pulsing in a soft but long orgasm.

           She stays still, panting, and I worry I could have make her sick again, so I wrap the cover back around us.

“Y/n ?”

“Will you stay tomorrow ?” she asks putting her lips on mine in a lazy kiss and I can’t help but smile wide, her lips missing mine to meet my teeth as I do.

“I love you” I just say, knowing it contains all the answers she needs.

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***FEEDBACK IS GOLD***

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Frozen sleep tag : @peridottea91​

[thegreatescape]

SHARE THE LOVE CONVENTION

Here’s what happened at the Share The Love Con in Milan! :) [Sorry for my terrible English lol]

At the con I was in the front row with my friends. It was amazing but at the same time I felt a little bit observed lol Pietro was the first one who greeted me and then Nicholas recognized me ;; 

After the panel, my friend and I decided to take a picture with Federico because he was too beautiful with that blue sweater and when we went to take the picture he gave us a tight hug that I will remember forever. I don't know why but I was more nervous than the previous times... maybe because he was even more beautiful than usual lol 

Then we queued for the Fede + Rocco duo and I don’t know where I found the courage but I showed them a photo in which two people were kissing a girl on the cheek and this happened sdifhoisadpo 

Damn Fede has really soft lips, I cry just thinking about it. I left the room shaking like a leaf lol Then we went to the autographs of Nicholas, Greta and Beatrice. Greta and Bea were a wonderful surprise. They are both so kind and sweet. When Greta saw my drawing she gave me a hug and said ‘thank you’ a hundred of times. She was sooo cute! ;; 

Even Beatrice thanked me so much and complimented me and said “You drew me so hot!” And I was like "Well, you are" haha ​​

Then I went to Nicholas and this happened:

Nicholas: Hi! I'm a big fan of yours!

And I smiled at him sooo embarrassed.

Nicholas: I don't know how to thank you! I’m very tired after a drawing, you draw 10 drawings every day! You're very good.

Then Greta arrived at his table and said: Did you see my beautiful drawing with the pink background?

And he was like: Mine is gray! :(

Me: I made the backgrounds based on the shirt you had in the photos and you always have a black shirt.

Nicholas: I have to do a photoshoot then haha

Nicholas then asked me to show some of my drawings to Bea and when I showed her my Instagram profile she remembered those I had done for her and Greta added: Oh my God you made me the drawing of me and Nini kissing? It's beautiful! ; _;

This is Nicholas’ autograph. He drew me Luchino eating pizza’s crusts LOL

Then we went to the autographs of Pietro, Fede and Rocco and I have to say that this was one of the most beautiful moments of the Convention. When Pietro saw me he greeted me with an "Hello darling, how are you?" And before I answered he said: "Did you bring me something?" And when I gave him the drawing he said: “Oh my God, it's awesome! This is a new one!”

Me: “Well, yes, I couldn't post it before, it had to be a surprise!”

Pietro: “Can I keep it? ;)”

Me: “Sure it's for you! Also, sorry if I tag you on so many drawings.”

Pietro: “It makes me so happy! You drew the futuristic black and white one, the one where I’m in Venice, the one with the flag you gave me last time and ... this, right? (he remembered all of them ; ___;) And then he added: “But you drew Federico more :( AHAHAH”

Then I went to Fede and he said: “I know that yesterday was your birthday so… HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” And he sent me a kiss. I died. Then I gave him the drawing and he thanked me and he looked at me with a pleased smile saying: “What can I write here ..?” And he wrote me this beautiful autograph that I’ve to frame. 

Then, without saying anything, he got up and hugged me and it was a beautiful moment because I didn't want to let him go. Maybe that was the best hug- not only because it lasted longer but because I could tell him how grateful I was for everything.

Then I went to Rocco and he greeted me with a big smile saying: “Hello Giulia, how are you ?!” And I was actually dying inside so I immediately gave him the drawing and he said something like: “Wtf is this a drawing? Oh my God it’s amazing thank you so much” and he showed it to Fede.

Then in the afternoon there were other panels but for those I will make a special mentions at the end of the post.

Then there was Fede and Rocco meet & greet. It was pretty weird because we were all so shy and we didn’t know what to say so they told us something that happened on set during Marti and Nico reunion on the terrace in 2x09.

Fede: “Ludovico told us ‘Kiss!', so we did it. It was so romantic, but when we stopped, I noticed that I had Rocco's snot on my cheek. So I said: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? THIS IS DISGUSTING! and the atmosphere was ruined.

Rocco: “It's true HAHAHA”

Fede: “I had your snot on me all the time! You were always crying!

Rocco: "Yes, there was an important exchange of body fluids. AHHA”

Then we went to eat the pizza with the cast. The first one who sat at our table was Federico. I was the first one to get the pizza and he said: “Well you're the birthday girl that’s why they gave you the pizza first”. I just smiled like an idiot and he said: “Eat it or it gets cold!"

Me: "No, I'm waiting for you …"

He: “But if it gets cold, it sucks”. (it sucked anyway haha)

Then me and my friends started arguing with him bc Federico claimed that the pizza has to be cut in 8 pieces (and we were cutting it in 4). Thankfully Pietro arrived and supported us and told Fede: “Stop being so annoying” ahah.

After that, there was the most embarrassing interaction that I've ever had with him. We looked at each other and he smiled, so I smiled back but I was too nervous to say anything. Basically we kept smiling for like 15 seconds and it all ended with an embarrassing silence :))))

Then Rocco sat right next to me and he was so… excited? Haha

Rocco: “Did you eat today?”

Me: “No, we were anxious…”

Rocco: “Why? C’mon we know each other now! We’re friends!” (I almost cried, I swear).

Then I showed him a bracelet that my friends bought me for my bday (a heart with the word ‘Sbedemmic’ written on it) and he enlightened and said: “Nooo! Oh my god! Sbedemmic !? A-ma-zing!”

Then we asked him how to pronounce “Maxence” and Rocco called him at out table and Maxence rushed to us leaning towards us and we were blown away because he has really beautiful eyes and honestly I didn't even listen to what he said ahaha

Then Nicholas joined us and said  "I want to sit right next to Giulia” (I wanted to hug him ;u;) and we talked about drawings and it was wonderful. Then at a certain point I don't remember what he wanted to ask Bea and he started to call her addressing a girl at the table next to ours and only after a while we pointed out that Bea was sitting on the other side of the room and he was like: “Who was I calling? The girl doesn't even have hair like Bea!” HAHAH

Before he left we hugged each other tight and we  thanked each other for everything.

Maxence is literally an elf. He is nice, funny and he gave me a lot of positivity. We asked him to take a photo all together and he immediately put the glass of wine down because “If my mom sees the picture she gets angry” xD He said he never had the chance to interact so much with the fans at the events and that he thinks it’s amazing to create a bond with us.

Then I apologized bc I tag him on a lot of drawings and he asked me “Wait, what did you draw?”

Before I answered him he started to jump on the chair saying “The raccoon one!?”

Me: “Yes, even the-”

He: “The one with the shirt! Come on, let me see it!”

So I showed him the drawing and he exclaimed: “YEEEEES! THIS ONE! YEEEEES! THE SHIRT!!!”

He thanked me and I closed instagram, but I had forgotten to change my background and I had a photograph of me with Federico.

Maxence saw it and said: “Is that your boyfriend?"

And I said: “I WISH!”

I swear I didn't want to say it out loud, but it was spontaneous. He widened his eyes and literally burst into laughing while I turned RED. I apologized saying it wasn’t my intention to say it out loud but he said that he got that bc he read the panic in my eyes as soon as I realized it, but he appreciated my spontaneity and he said that it will be our little secret xD (then we talked outside and we took a couple of photos, he even chose the poses AHAHAH but then we got caught and the staff told him to go inside xD).

1 December

The second day in the morning we went to the autographs of Robin and Lukas and they both thanked me so much for the drawings (I will never forget their expressions ;;). 

After giving Lukas the drawing he stood up and hugged me tight and he was the sweetest, with his beautiful and kind smile :’)

Then I took a photo with Nicholas 

and a duo with Maxence and Rocco where I asked for a group hug and Maxence said: A POLIPATA ?! (an Italian word that idk how to translate. Obviously Rocco taught him that haha it’s like “hugging like an octopus” lol)

The last photos were those with Federico. When I showed him the photo I wanted to do he made an expression that I will never forget a mix between a smile and ;) and he said: “Uh, today we are in the mood for kisses”. And of course I turned BRIGHT RED :DDD

The last activity of the day was the autograph with Maxence. He thanked me for the drawing and said "You made me a beautiful drawing, so I will also make your own beautiful drawing" and he made a stylized character of me ahaha

At the cocktail party Maxence was the first one to sit with us! He didn’t know what to say so he asked us to do a toast and we all said in chorus 'cin-cin' and he said: "Do you know that ‘cin-cin’ means vagina in Chinese?” Ahah This was the highlight of our conversation.

Then Nicholas and Rocco came at our table and we talked all the time about medicines and reflux lmao We looked like the geriatric department bc they said that all the cocktails tasted like medicines lol 

Then Pietro and Fede arrived, both sooo tired, but Fede greeted us with "Hello rays of sunshine!" And we were literally dying . Pietro said he was worried about not being able to return home because he would have arrived after midnight and he didn't have the keys. "I can't call someone and say "Hi, I'm the guy who lives upstairs" ahaha

Then we talked to Lukas and Robin and they were so cute ;; Lukas is a very interesting person, he has a pure soul and it was a pleasure to know him ;; 

In the end, Bea and Greta arrived and we gossiped a lot, especially about boys haha

Best moments of PANELs:

-Nicholas said his favorite word is Australopithecus Robustus and Greta said "Fregno" (it’s a slang for ‘hot’) xD

-Fede said his Spirit animal is a Golden Retriever and that Martino’s is a fox

-Fede made fun of Rocco because he spoke with metaphors that didn’t make any sense so Fede was like: Enough Rocco, enough! Stop it! THAT'S ENOUGH!

-We made a video for Bea and everyone cried in the room

-THE KARAOKE

-Fede said that Rocco didn’t know how to ride a bicycle and they had to shoot that scene a lot of times

-Fede complimented Rocco and then he gave the microphone to him saying: “Come on, I’m waiting.” Because he wanted to get compliments too haha

-Rocco sat in the audience and asked Fede the story of Bambi and Fede called him “Er Lucertola (lizard)” in revenge and said that the name of Bambi was born because of a toxic (Rocco haha)

-Pietro who answered BOH to all the questions haha

-When a girl mentioned the 4th season (even if we couldn’t) and everyone said to keep hoping and thanked us for fighting so much during these months and then Rocco said: Yes, thank you very much for the support. Without you it wouldn't have been pos— Everyone: ROCCO !!!!! haha

-When another girl talked about Massimo Reale -Dr. Spera- (referring to the photos he posted from the 4th season’s set) and then Bea said: She just wanted to know the name of Dr. Spera and yes, it’s Massimo Reale xD

-Rocco screaming SBEDEM

Here’s some pics I took at the panels :) 

Everything was AWESOME! I miss them all so much ;;

Please if you want to use one of these pics tag my instagram account:  here

[s-nh]

Heaven literally gained an angel yesterday.

His name is Miguel Ángel Ramos. He grew up in Jalisco Mexico and in his early 20’s came to America to see what the fuss was about living here. He lived with my uncle Ramon and my mom and dad in a one bedroom apartment before he met a girl and they had a beautiful baby girl. My now 23 year old cousin, Celeste. At the age of 27/28, my uncle was in a car crash. He wasn’t wearing his seat belt and he went head first out the windshield when a drunk driver hit him, his girlfriend and Celeste.

Celeste and my uncles girlfriend were okay for the most part but my uncle was not.

He was in a coma for 3 months. Doctors didn’t believe he would make it. But he did. And slowly but surely they helped him gain his mobility back through physical therapy. He didn’t remember anything or anyone for a while. He had to relearn a lot.

His life was sadly and unfortunately never the same after that accident. My uncle Miguel was not all there mentally and could no longer work bc of all the brain damage he had suffered and so his girlfriend left him. My uncle Miguel pleaded to her, “Look, you’ll be able to have more kids some day. I might not. Please, let me have my daughter. Please.” So his girlfriend agreed and 3 year old Celeste and my uncle left to Mexico where my grandparents would take care of the both of them.

Uncle Miguel later on in life suffered from seizures almost all the time. He was on loads and loads of medication and took frequent trips to the hospital.

My grandparents dedicated 20 years caring after him and making sure he was on top of his medication and on time to his doctors appointment.

He had severe migraines. Every. Single. Day.

But I swear he was always smiling despite the fucking actual bullshit he was going through. He always had jokes to crack, a story to tell or stop to tell you how much he loves you.

Sometime at the end of October, he was coming downstairs, took a wrong step and fell down the flight of stairs.

He was so fragile. Imagine accidentally dropping a glass cup and having its pieces shatter once it’d hit the ground.

He was immediately taken to the the hospital and spent all of November being just there. In the hospital.

My grandma couldn’t go see him. She was afraid of being exposed to COVID and Celeste would stay with her to comfort her and take care of her when my other uncles were going to make their way to the city to go see him.

He would tell my uncles “I just want to get out of here to see my mom and Celeste.”

They said he was doing better. That he would be discharged this thursday.

But something happened. I still don’t know what but he fucking died.

I injured my knee on Sunday morning, we got the bad news on Monday afternoon.

I was in the room with my sister and we heard my mom scream “NOOOO!!” After she answered a phone call from my other uncle, Ramon.

My sister and I immediately sprinted out of our beds. She got to her first since my knee was too messed up for me to move fast.

“What happened mom?!”

Half way down the hallway my heart shattered.

“Your uncle Miguel died!”

This time I found myself screaming No.

“No! You’re lying! It’s not true!!!! Mom, stop it’s not true!”

Her wails and sobs wouldn’t let her speak. My uncle Ramon pleaded over the phone to calm her down and that he would be on his way.

My sister and I sat there in disbelief. It felt like an actual joke.

They said he was fine. He was gonna go home this Thursday.

It didn’t hit that he was actually gone until my moms aunt and uncle called her.

As soon as her uncle said “I am so sorry, Sonia.” After my mom answered, Hello, did I burst into tears myself.

My uncle Ramon came and I’ve never seen this man cry before in my life.

He hugged us Hello, his blue eyes were blood shot.

He cheeks were wet.

Seeing him walk into my moms room to hug her broke me.

Realizing that this brother and sister are embracing one another in pain over the devastating news that one of their little brothers has died.

“We’re going to Mexico today. Pack your things.” He told her.

We asked him if there was anything we could do.

“No, nothing. You guys are fine, really. But the only thing I’d want one of you to help me with is finding flights to Guadalajara for today.”

I immediately hopped on it and found them a one way flight to Mexico for midnight.

My mom kissed us all goodbye and left with my uncle.

Tío Migue. You were a miracle. You were actual walking love and acceptance. You were an honest to god loving person. A fucking good man who was sad that he couldn’t provide for his daughter and mother.

He loved Celeste so much. He would say that she was his whole fucking world. And he kept telling my uncles that he couldn’t wait to go home to see her and my grandma.

And now he’s gone. I wish we had more time.

He loved to dance. He loved to buy music. He would always hug and kiss you and say he loves you. He was so fucking kind.

If anyone deserved a fuckinng DO OVER it was HIM. He didn’t deserve to be in that car accident. He didn’t deserve those seizures, hundreds of pill intake, monthly hospital visits, just not being able to live a 100% normal life.

He was 27/28, barely starting his life and family, and at 48, gone.

Te amo tío. You didn’t deserve this. You fucking didn’t. I hope my grandpa received you with the biggest fucking hug and kiss.

Te amo. Te amo. Te amo.

We lost you both in the month of November. I still can’t fucking believe it.

Nov. 22nd, 2016 and now Nov. 30th, 2020.

Isn’t it crazy? We literally pass every year the date in which we will die.

I wish we knew when it would be the last time. At least to make that hug last longer, make every “I love you” count, squeeze ones hand a little tighter and just have a couple seconds more of a glimpse of the person.

I wish I had that with you tío Migue.

I can only imagine how Celeste and grandma feel.

Celeste not having her mom wanting to be around in her life and not giving a fuck about her and my uncle who literally wanted to give her the world even tho he physically couldn’t but with his love and actions spoke louder than fucking money.

And to my grandma. Having lost her husband and then her fucking son????

Visiting won’t feel the same.

There was already a weird feeling inside that house when my grandpa passed and now that my uncles gone and now it’s just my grandma and Celeste...idk anymore.

And to my mom and her now, four brothers rather than 5.... I can’t even.

He was too young. 48?!!??! Life is so fucking unfair.

I’m so sorry tío. And I love you more than you know.

Till we meet again you literal angel.

[sukunasdirtylaugh]

Romanian Assassin

Word count: 1.3k

Summary: Okay...so the title is pretty self explanatory, right? Do you like laughing until your stomach hurts, crying bc of feels, and feeling this wave of happiness once the characters you ship are finally together? Well honey, that’s what you’re getting I mean, who doesn’t love a sexy ‘Romanian’ speaking Assassin in a suit? This ain’t no Twilight honey.

WARNING: The following chapter(s) may include: Frustration, feels, mental tears, shook ovaries, and the feeling of wanting to rip the hair out of your fucking skull (Please don’t). SIDE EFFECTS may include: A sore abdomen from laughing too hard (might as well get that 6-pack, right?) lady feels, sore eyes from crying (as if we haven’t cried already) and ultra mega happiness. 

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. THIS CHAPTER WILL BE SOFT BUT WILL HAVE YOU SHOOK okay? (also, pls tell me what you think pls)

My partner had happened to be this incredibly tall-roughly 6ft tall- handsome, with ultramarine deep blue eyes, and a nose that could easily be compared to a Greek’s. His jawline was sharp, just like the knives located under his shoes and sleeves and a tongue that could only speak fluent and quick Romanian. 

Working as an assassin, you could either 1). Work for someone by protecting a certain individual or 2). Kill a dangerous target that would harm others. 

“I’m so exhausted!” Proclaimed our current client, Kiara. 

“I’m going to be taking a shower.” said the woman with a smooth and sultry voice. She turned around and her -not so natural brown curls- followed her as her white silky robe was starting to fall off her shoulders as if she wanted me and my partner to see. I look up to see her and smile at her as her eyes are focused on my partner who didn’t seem to pay any attention to her sitting from the couch.

He sharpened the considerably large pocket knife in his hand, running the blade against the steel rod in his grasp quietly before he paused, his broad shoulders tense as he turned his head up to look at us when he felt our stares, his face etched with slight irritation.

I look back at Kiara and notice that she dared to look at Sebastian-the two of them seemingly exchanging looks leaving me like a monkey in the middle. She bit her bottom lip and exposed her shoulders and moved her brown blonde hair to her side implying that she may need help. 

Did she need to be supervised? I could look after her. 

Anything could happen really. She could slip and break her head, the shower head could break her skull or she could have a heart attack in there. You never know with clients you know.

My partner looked at her-calculating and his eyes  flicker down to her chest before going back to his knife sharpening and yawns and continues doing what he was doing in an uninterested gesture. 

Kiara looked more than disappointed and drew her breath after the rejection.

 Oh no. 

“Uh here,” I said reaching into my bag-her look now on me as I grabbed a few bottles of shampoo and hair conditioning from my weapon bag and hand them to her. 

“They’ve got the best scents and I really like the bottles this hotel carries, I mean, have you seen such a butterfly design like that? It looks real! I got as many as I could but don’t worry! I left as many thank you notes for the maids,” I explained as I showed her my multiple sticky notes and thank you notes that I take with me at all times. 

She didn’t say anything before scoffing and turning her heel away from me and slamming the door behind her shut leaving me and my partner alone.

“Okay!” I wave with a small smile, “I hope you like them!” I say as I look back to the mint wrapper in my hand. 

This hotel gave out the best pillow mints! I even ate Kiara and Sebastian’s mints and I don’t think they minded though...or so I hope not. 

“Hey partner,” I say as I greet him, his eyes still focused on sharpening his knife.

 “ I know you only speak Romanian but can you believe this is our first mission together?” I ask, “I’m glad we got our client to her destination and it feels like it was just yesterday you were cracking your knuckles looking like you wanted to punch me. Crazy, right?” I laugh at the fond memory of us in Robert’s office.

“Yeah just like that!” I point out with a smile as he cracks his knuckles again, the two rings on his hands emphasizing his muscular hands. 

“I know you don’t understand me but I made you this,” I say as I place a sticky note in front of him on the table that reads 

“vă mulțumesc partener” in Romanian (thank you partner). 

He sent me a blank stare after looking at it making me give him a small smile in return. 

“Nu suntem parteneri,” Sebastian finally spoke out (we are not partners).

I stare at him taking in the moment and remind myself to breathe. 

“Oh wow, sorry. It’s just that you never say anything and I just wanted to appreciate the moment. But hey, I’m happy we are talking so that’s definitely progress.” I celebrated nodding with another small smile and extend my hand in hopes of getting a high five. 

Sebastian then proceeds to get up and walk away without any warning ignoring my hand. 

Do not, I repeat, don’t cringe or curl up into a ball from rejection. He spoke to you today! You should be ecstatic! 

“Okay not in the mood? That’s fine! We can try another time. Whenever you’re ready!” I call out already noticing that he left the room before I could finish my words. 

“Progress.” I say quietly and high five myself in reward. 

Before I could do anything else, I hear a noticeable hard bump from the shower and see Kiara out.

“Oh my gosh are you okay?” I ask her as she’s gripping into her loose towel. 

Can’t have the wife of a mafia boss hurt, can I?

“You’ve got a bruise!” I point out. “Do you want me to check it?”

“No!” She says quickly, “uhh, what I mean is, I’d love some help, but can you call Sebastian please?”

“Oh he’s in his room but I’m here now. I can check it now if you want-“

“No!” She said breaking off character, “What I mean is that I’d like for him to check my wound.” She says with a sheepish smile.

 “Oh but I’m here now! Wouldn’t you want me to-“

“Trust me,” she says, “I’d feel much more comfortable if Sebastian checked it out.”

“Oh okay,” I say nodding in comprehension. Maybe it was a trust thing?

 “Hey Sebastian, Kiara wants you-“ I blurt out as I walk into his room to find Sebastian completely shirtless by the window-a wall mirror on the side as he’s cleaning up a wound. 

“Hey why didn’t you tell me?” I said in a soft voice. Nearing him closer, I notice him giving me a look as if to scare me off. 

“Don’t give me that look Mr.Grumpy-Pants. I know we have a language barrier going on here and we can’t really communicate but you could have at least shown me you were hurt or at least in pain you know?” I say as I’m already addressing his wound. He draws in a barely noticeable sharp breath when I put some alcohol in his wound with a cotton ball. He’s in pain. 

“Thank you for taking the bullet for me,” I say after a moment of silence still dabbing the Cotton ball lightly on his skin. “Nobody has ever taken a bullet for me-only you…” 

He didn’t reply as I slowly finished stitching him. 

I giggle, “You know, I could tell you just about anything and you still probably wouldn’t have any idea as to what I’m saying?”

“I could tell you about my short lived romance with young Leonardo Dicaprio and writing fanfiction when I was 14. I swear his hair back in Titanic was the death of me,” I sigh at the memory. “Those were the days man.” 

“Or I could tell you about the time when I had my own fan based blog on this one guy I had a total crush on. Guess what? I had the biggest crush on him. And do you wanna know something else?” I asked him as I notice him looking away sighing in an uninterested manner, “I didn’t even know him! He was a celebrity!”

“I could tell you anything right now you know? Hey, did you know I’m wearing a black thong which I don’t usually wear at home but I always wear them during missions to make me feel powerful?” I commented as I shrugged as if it was nothing before noticing that Sebastian was suddenly choking  (see the image for reference) on his water, lowering his head and spitting the liquid before wiping his fleshy pink lips turning to look at me with a hint of amusement in his blue eyes. 

I blinked at him in realization. 

“...Can you...can you understand me-?”

“(Y/N)! What’s taking you so Goddamn long?! I need Sebastian! My chest is hurting!” Kiara’s cry was heard all the way from the hallway interrupting my question as I turn my head in the direction of her voice. 

“Oh right.” I say, “Kiara needs you.” I exclaim as I feel like such a bad person for forgetting and immediately reach for my handy-dandy Berlitz Romanian Picture Dictionary when I feel Sebastian’s stare on my forehead. 

“Uh help! Kiara needs...Ajutor! Ajutor! Kiara needs Ajutor with-“ I say as I am frantically skimming the book with my hands anxiously before Sebastian grabbed me and pulled me up to face him; then taking the book in his hands. 

There was a slight smirk on his face as he skimmed the pages before looking up to me and pointing at me with his index finger. 

“Prost fata,” he says. (Dumb girl). 

“Me, me I’m Prost fata.” I reiterate with an uncertain tone and point at myself as he’s nodding. 

“Da, bum tampit.” (Yes, good idiot). He says with a look of approval before I beam at him with what lasts a few seconds of pure happiness before I look down to my book to see the definition of what tampit was.

“Hey I’m not an idiot.” I defended as my smile falls at the realization of what Sebastian had just called me. He then proceeds to take the book from my hands into his before smacking me lightly in the forehead with it making me let out a small “ow” and puts the book in my hands as he heads his way out to Kiara’s room. 

I gazed at the room and rub my forehead.

I am not an idiot. 

My phone suddenly vibrates letting me know something is wrong and as soon as I look into the camera display system I set up, three men in black are heading their way up here. 

“I got this,” I say to myself before reaching for my gun on my way out but stop in the hall to hear the commotion in Kiara’s room.

It was Sebastian talking and it made me completely stop me in my steps to hear him. 

He was speaking fluent English.

My mouth fell open as I closed my mouth before running outside to take care of the men. I rest my head on the outside of the suite door in shock. Before I know it, the three men are already inside and I frown. I take my gun out to shoot one man on the head and immediately  hold a “shhh!” motion to them, stopping them in the middle of their tracks; confusion filling their faces.

Talk about terrible timing.

Before the other two could even shoot, I fire at the other man in black leaving one. I quickly shoot his hand and he falls to his knees. 

"I’m Sorry about that but shh... I'm trying to listen." I whispered, looking around at his two dead allies on the ground before I moved the both of us back in front of Kiara’s door, my gun still held to his skull and my hand still over his lips.

"It is my duty as your protector is to deliver you safely back home without any injuries. It is your job as a client, is to not make such attempts at getting me to fuck you just because your idiotule of a husband can't do it right." Sebastian’s firm raspy voice spoke through the door as my eyes widened, his voice just as slow, sensuous, and authorative when he spoke in English as he did in fluent Romanian. 

“Wow... did you know he spoke English?” I ask as I’m already on him as he furiously shakes his head no. 

“Same here buddy.”

Suddenly, the door erupted with men. One saying “There they are!” As they barged in and began to point their guns at me. 

“Seriously? There’s more of you guys?” I asked at the man in my hold.

Swiftly, I moved the man I just called buddy as a body shield to doge the dozens of bullets. I mentally apologized to him. 

“You bitch!” The man who seemed to be the leader of the pack yelled coming for me as he threw his gun away running out of bullets. He’s quick and doesn’t waste a second to pin me to the wall in a choke hold. 

This is it. I’m going to die. 

“We’re finally getting rid of people like you.” He spoke as tears blurred my vision.

“See you in Hell.” Another voice spoke before the man in front of me had a hole in the middle of his forehead and fell to the ground releasing me instantly. 

“Didn’t your mother ever tell you it was rude to eavesdrop, fata?” 

“I’m sorry.” I say immediately before stopping myself and realizing that I shouldn’t be sorry. 

“Wait a darn hecking second, no. No I’m not. I’m not sorry.”

Sebastian looked at me-motioning me that there was someone creeping up behind me and with strength, I brought the hitman’s arm over my shoulder and flipped him to his back as he let out a paint full groan before Sebastian shot the man in the head with no second thought. 

“Like I said,” I paused catching my breath, “I’m not sorry.”

I then noticed more men enter the entrance and Sebastian immediately went through them as I joined him between kicks, dodges, and gunshots. 

“You...deliberately pretended that you didn’t speak a word of English,” I said through heavy breathing as I had a man in a headlock. Sebastian didn’t waste time in grabbing the man from my arms before throwing the man onto the upcoming men with an unexplainable strength. 

“It’s going to take a lot for you to gain my trust back,” I half heartedly said. 

He panted as his chest noticeably rose and grabbed his gun to further shoot the men that had fallen. 

“That’s fine by me,” he said as if he couldn’t care less before he grabbed the wrist of one man and twisted his arm before pushing him harshly against the wall; his body weight on the man from keeping him from moving. 

“Okay I forgive you,” I say almost instantly grabbing a man by the shoulders and slamming his head against the table- knowing that I still wanted to talk to Sebastian and ask him more questions. If I would be mad at him, I couldn’t ask him any questions so forgiving him seemed like the best option. 

“But why did you pretend?” I asked. 

Sebastian huffed, “Well it seemed like the best option at the time. I thought you wouldn’t talk to me because of the language barrier and we would just work on this mission and then no more communicating.” He said as he looked at all the dead bodies in the room and pools of blood forming. Surprisingly, there was no blood on his suit or hands at all. He looked at the mess and shook his head before saying that we needed to get out of here. 

“I was obviously wrong about that,” he commented with a slight look of irritation as he furrowed his eyebrows before shaking his head once more; dismissing his thoughts. 

I was ready to give him a piece of my mind. How I felt, and how I wanted to tell him that he was a meanie but he didn’t give me a chance to speak up. 

“Veni, come. We have got to get out of here before anyone else gets here.” Sebastian directed not even looking back at me putting his gun smoothly in his black ironed pants before using his hand and jerked his fingers in a gesture for me to follow him. 

“I’m not going anywhere!” Screeched a voice. That voice was Kiara’s. She was now fully dressed with some damp hair strands surrounding her face. 

“That wasn’t a question for permission. We are leaving now.” Said Sebastian sternly as he packed his guns in his black bag-swiftly zipping them up.

 “Well I’m not going. Especially with a man like you-“

“Da, of course. A man like me. A man that works for you and a man that just risked his life saving your life.” He said as he looked my way. “Hold on, make it two. Two people risking their lives for yours.”

“You’re so rude! So disrespectful! So-“

Sebastian immediately speed walked his way angrily towards her and his face was merely inches from her. His index finger threatening stood out as if to make a point. 

“Disrespectful? Fine. The moment you finally find what you call ‘self-respect’ is, you call me. Then, I’ll apologize and respect you, femeie.” (woman). 

He slowly backed off away from her and Kiara noticeably sunk down in her chair.

 A few moments passed before I thought it was okay to speak up. 

“Come on, sweetie. You should come. We don’t want you hurt and we want to keep you as safe as a pillow.” I say as I give her a small warm smile, “Go on, pack your bags and we’ll be here for you, okay?” I say before she nodded saying nothing more and leaving quickly from the scene. 

After that, Sebastian turned to me and grazed his eyes to my lower region. A small smirk crept up on his lips and I could swear this was the closest thing to smiling I could ever get to. 

He bit his lip slowly and his eyes met my face. 

“So...black thongs…” he commented in a slower and deeper voice. Sebastian brought his hand slowly to his lips and massaged the bottom part as if he was thinking of something. I sharply inhaled. 

“I saw you more as a granny pantie kind of girl.” He admitted. 

“Oh no silly,” I said letting off what seemed to be both a sigh and nervous laugh. “Those are my period panties!” I waved off the thought and noticed Kiara come in with her case. 

Sebastian looked at me with confused looking brows-dismissing the thought, then looked at Kiara. He then nodded before speaking up.

“We need to get on the road, now.” He commanded sending chills down my spine and I looked over to Kiara. Her face white as a ghost’s as a red laser dot lay on her forehead. Sebastian and I both sprung into action and before I knew it, I fell a wave of instant dozing sleep consume me. The last two things on my mind were the fact that Sebastian didn’t only speak Romanian but English as well, and the feeling of falling into a pit of blackness that we call sleep. 

==========

A/N: WOOHOOO! CHAPTER ONE IS DONE! I’M SO HAPPY TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU GUYS AND DISCLAIMER, THE IDEA ISN’T FULLY MINE. I HAVE THE NASTY MENTAL HABIT OF USING SOME IDEAS FROM STUFF I READ AND WATCH AND END UP MAKING SOMETHING LIKE THIS haha. but in all seriousness, what did you think? I’d love to know your expectations for the next chapter or just how this made you feel and what parts did you like? thank you!

[impalaimagining]

PittCon Saturday

(holy shit y’all this was so much to remember from this morning until now. sorry if I forgot anything) Also this is obnoxiously long so this one gets a cut. #You’reWelcome

Read Friday’s here.

Part One: 

No Rob Benedict. Rich makes promises of him later.

ROB BENEDICT!!! He walked out with Briana and she claims she planned the whole thing.

Briana, Kim, and Gil didn’t have anyone lined up for questions. Briana threatened period talk. Gil blushed. 

Questions for Briana today instead of Kim. Briana does a little victory thing every time someone says, “My question is for Bri.” Kim mocks her from yesterday and says, “I’m gonna answer it anyway.”

Gil is third-wheelin’ it, hard. 

Gil addresses the whole thing that happened with the butt grabbing. He wanted to “nip it in the bud because it was weighing very heavily” on him. Apparently I missed that last night because I had no idea what he was even talking about when he said it. He’s a great guy. Try not to fault him for one little slip, yeah? He’s human. Cut the man some slack. 

Part Two: 

Rob scolds Rich for not telling us about the “I <3 KoC” shirts. Debates about whether it’s pronounced like Coke or like cock. “Wear that to Grandma’s house.” “One of those things will kill you!” 

Matt, Rob, and Rich bounce off of one another unbelievably well. 

Pssst, Matt Cohen is fucking attracccttiivveeeee

Questions about other projects and hobbies come up. Matt says he wants to get into racing again. Racing is in his future. Richard says he’s a lot like his father. His father was a lawyer. Rob used to have his own baseball league. With himself. He made up teams like “The Colors” and “Other Things.”

Rob and Rich are besties and it makes my life. 

The pilot for Skyward is streaming now on Amazon. Rich said there’s a part already sketched out for Rob if the show continues. It wasn’t his idea to include Rob, but he wanted to eventually anyway. 

Part Three:

Mark Sheppard is either consistently grouchy or was very tired/cranky today.

Almost all of his answers boiled down to one word, so that was the one word he used, and then moved on. He probably answered more questions on his own than Misha and Jake did combines just because of how fast he was moving. 

He said fuck Creation’s rules and walked around the crowd most of the time. Also joked about how when he was more powerful (and important), they never would’ve allowed that. (sad face on my part)

A fan asks how he feels about Fergus’s deal and how he lost his soul, what he sold it for. He doesn’t laugh. Just says, “If you want to ask about my penis, there are other ways to do it. I can’t relate to Fergus, if that’s what you’re asking.”

His favorite line is “Where’s your moose?” 

“You’re good, but I’m Crowley,” was improv. 

Talking about his wife and daughter made him light up like a Christmas tree. It was adorable. 

Everyone thinks he hates cats. He got very snarky about it. “Did I say I hate cats? No. I don’t hate anything. I hate Misha. Oops.”

He thinks Crowley came full circle. There wasn’t much else for him to do in the series, he thinks. 

He doesn’t understand the logic behind Rowena being Crowley’s mother.When Rowena dies at the hands of Lucifer (the first time), Mark said the line, “Always thought I’d be the one to do it,” felt very right in that moment.

Part Four: 

Jake Abel has the bubbliest butt in the entire cast. To quote myself from earlier today, “You could bounce a fuckin nickel off of that thing.”

He’s been creating plotlines and ways to bring Adam back. New plans are made every time he comes to a convention. Currently, we’re looking at an Adam spinoff in which he and his mother are resurrected (him from Hell, her from Heaven) and become hunters. They have “opposing forces!” as Jake said, and the story would follow the way they got the opposing forces to work together for the same common purpose.

This man is insane. 

He kept reminding us that he was in a weird mood because his flight didn’t get in until 4am.

Sleepy Jake is the cutest. 

Talk of Percy Jackson. 

Lots of talk about bringing Adam back. 

Part Five: 

MISHA. FREAKIN. COLLINS.

Guys. I’ve never been more amazed by one person’s smile and overall attitude. He’s so cheery and bright and uugghhh Misha.

He tells a story about his dad, and then says that he had to tell his children about his parents’ (brief, I think?) split, but he doesn’t want it to sound like that’s the only way marriages can end. The next day, his son went to school and told the teacher, “I want my parents to get a divorce.” I literally have no idea if this is true, but it’s what Misha told us.

Fake spoilers for Season 13, but he told us that he was filming it last night. Jared and Jensen still fuck with him to no end. 

“We were filming. Jared was on the bed, and we were doing something we don’t usually do on Supernatural.” *cue roars from the audience*

I think he tried to fight someone in the crowd. I have photos of his bulgy eyes and sassy jawline. Yeah, it’s a thing. 

MY PHOTO OP WITH HIM !!!!!!!!!

I was going to show him the photo of himself standing in front of the whiteboard with his drawing of Maison and the dandelion. Creation doesn’t allow phones in the photo op rooms so I had to put it in my pocket, which was fine.

I walked up and asked the woman if I could show him something. She said, “Sure, just make it quick!” Again, I get it. Not a problem. 

I’m standing there waiting with my arm pulled out of my sleeve to show him my tattoo. I walk up and I’m greeted with the most amazing smile and such a soft “hi.” 

I blurt out, “I NEED TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING!” *shoves my arm towards him* *silence from Misha as he stares*

His mouth kind of popped open when he realized what it was. His eyes are so freakin’ blue and I know because he looked me directly in them and told me, “That’s amazing.” 

My heart is racing, but I lean and and we hug and Chris snaps the photo. I step to walk away and Misha grabs my hands (!!!!!!!!!) I turn and look up at him (because damn he’s tall! He’s right, he’s just surrounded by giants.) and he squeezes my hands. “That’s amazing.” It’s so quiet and I blink for a second. “Thank you.” I get another tight hand squeeze and thank him before running into the hallway and crying. (*inhale* I’m okay, really.)

HUGE HUGE HUGE FUCKIN’ THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO DONATED MONEY TO GET ME THAT OP. I LOVE YOU ALL AND IF/WHEN I MEET YOU GUYS, HUGS ALL AROUND.

On to the auto. I showed him the tattoo again, quickly spat out, ”I know I showed it to you at the photo ops but...!”  and he drew a heart next to his name when he signed it. I got another “That’s amazing. Thank you so much.” and that friggin smile

I still don’t know if he knows the tattoo is his handwriting. I assume he could tell when he looked at it, especially for how long he looked at it. But *shrugs* maybe one day I’ll tell him.

While waiting for Misha’s op, I MET @HIGHONPASTRIES (whose tumblr is literally not working this weekend, just FYI)!!! There’s a selfie to prove it. Will be posted later.

Part Six: 

SNS

Jake introduces the band. First starts by demanding that we chant, “Bring Adam back,” over and over again. Chant quickly turns into, “Lou-den Swain.”

I didn’t know I needed a fuckin’ KAZOO. *cough cough* @torn-and-frayed @nichelle-my-belle-spn-con-blog (still waiting for the kazoo tip to make an appearance)

Rob Benedict sang half a song without a microphone. Don’t know why. It just wasn’t working. 

MATT COHEN WINKED AS HE RAN PAST ME Y’ALL. Camera was too slow to capture it but if anyone has that wink, good God send it this way, please.

Sam Smith popped out! Just to introduce Kim though - no singing. 

Kim Rhodes was so nervous and I just want to hug her and tell her she’s amazing. 

Briana was wearing LEATHER BOOTS UP TO HER HIPS. #YAAAASSSS

Gil McKinney. That fuckin’ man. Making me cry and shit, two days in a row. 

Drunk Matt Cohen is a thing of my dreams. 

Lots of guest appearances within the band. Chris on bass, Rich on bass, Adam from Creation on keys, Rich on guitar and the mic. Nobody takes Billy’s guitar from him though ;) 

Whipping Post sans Jensen. Still fuckin’ awesome. 

Fare Thee Well!!!! Rob prefaced it with a spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen the episode yet. *giggle*

Rob cried singing She Waits. Then said he loves us so much it’s unreal. This man is pure and good and needs to be protected at all costs. 

They played my faaave song. It’s called Amazing. 

Kazoo song. Also known as Medicated. Someone had an amplifier for their kazoo. Rob was very impressed. Cast members are getting better at the kazoo solo. Rob isn’t happy about it. “This isn’t as fun when you guys are gooood.” 

Questions? Comments? Anything? If you’re at the con, come find me and say hi! I’ll be in (or around) seat D25! :) 

TOMORROW I MEET JARED AND JENSEN Y’ALL THIS IS ITTTTT. *quietly crying bc tomorrow is the end*

*falls into bed and immediately starts snoring* P.S. Cons are exhausting in the best possible way.

[sunshines-stories]

I've been tagged! (85 things)

I got tagged by @shadowboxmind so i guess we just jump in? So rules are to answer the stuff below and tag 20 people. Idk if I know 20 people but let's do it! the last: 1. drink: water 2. phone call: uhhh probably my friend ( @esmeedanikatodd 's boy) bc I've been helping him with an attempted murder case 3. text message: texted my boyfriend to tell him goodnight even though he's out backpacking and can't see my texts for days 4. song: i... don't know? Maybe something fifth harmony...? I was on a walk and I got lost and I paid more attention to that than what I was listening to 5. time you cried: lmao when my dad basically told me he won't pay for my out of state colleges unless they're Harvard, Stanford, or yale (which means I can't go) when my therapist is literally telling me to get as far from here as possible have you ever: 6. dated someone twice: yep! Many time! Three different people! I'm an asshole and an idiot! 7. kissed someone and regretted it: sure man 8. been cheated on: nah never even worried about it for real 9. lost someone special: yeah 10. been depressed: oh yeah 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: to quote my friend who answered this before me "Can’t drink, don’t want to" favorite colors: 12. Gold. It suits my brown skin very well and carries power with it. 13. Pink! It brights up rooms and smiles and it's just generally too misunderstoood. 14. The deep green that I see in my boyfriend, it's like a forest in his aura. 15: Rose gold is a combination of my two favorite colors! 16: Blue is very nice my nails are the same shade of blue as my nose ring right now! in the last year have you: 17. laughed until you cried: yes I have and we were supposed to be working @shadowboxmind and instead we were all rolling on the ground and it's all your fault (ily) 18. found out someone was talking about you: oh yeah lmao my ex who I thought was great apparently talks shit about me that's awesome and also my parents love to brag about me 19. met someone who changed you: yes!!! All my friends!!!! I love them all and many are actually pretty new!!!! 20. found out who your friends are: I'd like to think so 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: boyfriend so yes 22. made friends: heck yeah I have 23. fallen out of love: no not really, I've just been in love with boy for a long time general: 25. what did you do for your last birthday: a chat party with a bunch of white people lmao (spicy food and more spicy food) 26. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them but they're mostly family and classmates bc I don't really use Facebook to socialise it's mostly just for school 27. do you have any pets: MY BABY MY PUPPY MY LOVE her name is Cocoa and she is pure and good and she's a chocolate lab and I took her for a nearly 4 mile walk yesterday so she currently hates me a little bit 28. what time did you wake up: 7:30. Thats sleeping in for me. 29. what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping jfc you kids shouldn't stay up that late 30. name something you can’t wait for: seeing my boyfriend and also getting the fuck away from my family!!! 31: what are you listening to right now: the sounds of my family starting to wake up 32: have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yeah! He was a sweet classmate one day, never spoken to me before but saw me crying the day before and made me a minion plushie and gave it to me saying "I don't know you, I don't know what you're going through, but I hope everything gets better." He's not a friend but I appreciate the guy. 33: something that’s getting on your nerves: COLLEGE APPS (and normally my family but not as much lately) 34. do you want to change your name: I mean my real name is Sanskruti but I love Sunny much more so yeah? 35. hair color: Black 36. long or short hair: short ish. I have to grow it out for prom so it's touching my shoulders again 37. piercings: Regular earring piercings and a nose piercing 38. tattoos: Soon! 39. blood type: no clue kiddo I'll donate blood today so if you REALLY wanna know, shoot me an ask later tonight 40. nicknames: Sunny, sunshine, boo, kestrel, "Bollywood Beauty" (Thats the boy), Muskan ("smile") 41. relationship status: wonderful boyfriend that I love very much and trust me this is the straightest I've ever been 42. zodiac: aquarius 43. pronouns: she/her 44. most visited website: uhhh probably google drive bc most of my life is on there 45. right or left handed: Right 46. surgeries: Wisdom teeth soon but nothing yet 47. sports: tennis, taekwondo, and chess is a sport fuck you 48. favorite tv show: Parks and Recreation but Avatar the Last Airbender is a close second 49. vacations: Summer vacations tend to be either back to India or a road trip. California, Canada, Oregon, Florida, and the next trip supposedly is to New York. 50. sneakers: uh? I have a couple? Blue running shoes and pink worn out sneakers more general: 52. eating: uhhh healthier food except when it's not? 53. fave drink: water! 54. what you’re up to: cleaning the house for dinner guests 55. waiting for: the start of school for the boyfriend to get back 56. want: cuddles? Sex? Idk. Both are good. 57. get married: until recently it was a no but (don't tell him this) I really want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend and yes I know it's stupid bc we're young and probably won't even go to the same fucking college but it's the first time I've ever felt this. So yes. I'd wanna get married. 58. career: prosecuting attorney, then judge, then either Supreme Court justice or attorney general which is better: 60. hugs or kisses: HUGS I AM A SLUT FOR HUGS 61. lips or eyes: eyes are prettyyyyy 62. shorter or taller: i am short. I like fellow shorts. But also? Tall people? When they hug me I feel so safe??? So Idk man i like people. 63. older or younger: uhhh for friends? Anyone? If we click and can hang Im gonna hang with you. 64. nice arms or stomach: i like squishy tummies but I'm always a slut for toned arms (see boyfriend who had BOTH) 65. hook up or relationship: relationships are nice mostly bc I've never had a hookup but like?? I get emotionally attached v easily it would not work for me. 66. troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant have you ever: 67. kissed a stranger: nope 68. drank hard liquor: staying away from that shit so no 69. lost glasses/contacts: never had them so no 70. turned someone down: lmao yeah the first time was the best time 71. sex on the first date: I mean? It wasn't technically sex? But it sorta was? But also the second time we dated, we totally fucked on the first date so yes. 72. broken someone’s heart: Yeah... sorry 73. had your heart broken: yep. Two different people now. 74. been arrested: Nah 75. cried when someone died: well yeah 76. fallen for a friend: well I'm dating him aren't I? do you believe in: 77. yourself: LMAO 78. miracles: I? Suppose I might? 79. love at first sight: nah 80. santa claus: Nah 81. kiss on the first date: sure man I'm not one to judge 82. angels: Not really sorry friend other: 83. current best friend’s name(s): James and André 84. eye color: Brown? Black? 85. favorite movie: fuck I don't really have one. How about? Coraline? Okay and finally! I tag @esmeedanikatodd @indimitable @scarfboi @agentsof-s-h-i-e-l-d @amberarts13 @themotherlimabean @fakebirds and honestly whoever else would like to do this bc I don't have enough friends

[xbaepsae]

92 statements tag

Tagged by my lovely @xtaexhyungx <3

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. 

THE LAST: 1. drink: water, i think lol 2. phone call: my workplace lmao (i really hate talking on the phone) 3. text message: “happy j4 to you too” (it was america day yesterday rip) 4. song you listened to: come back home // bts 5. time you cried: idk i cry all the time because i’m emotional lol

HAVE YOU EVER: 6. dated someone twice: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hell no 7. kissed someone and regretted it: no 8. been cheated on: uh... i mean, not really but a guy did fuck me over and it was because of another girl 9. lost someone special: of course 10. been depressed: not medically diagnosed, but yes i have felt extremely depressed about twice in my life 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: i ain’t about that wasted life

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14. blue, black, and gray  IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. made new friends: yess @ all my gorgeous mutuals on tumblr 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: all the fucking time bro 18. found out someone was talking about you: yes, haters will be haters 19. met someone who changed you: i feel like everyone we meet changes us in some way, even if we don’t recognize the change 20. found out who your friends are: irl, i have like two people i hang out with and talk to regularly... so yes lol 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: lol no; i consider fb pretty private so only family and close friends

GENERAL: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i’m still friends with somepeople from middle school/high school, but since you have that option to “unfollow,” i unfollowed A LOT of people. i only keep up with my family and a handful of people i actually liked from high school 23. do you have any pets: no (i reallllyyyy want a cute little puppy tho) 24. do you want to change your name: i used to not like my name that much when i was growing up. gabrielle is three whole syllables and seemed very extra to me; but as i have gotten older, i actually like my name a lot now (even though most people i know call me gabby lol) 25. what did you do for your last birthday: my birthday’s are never too special tbh; i usually just do a dinner with my fam and then another with friends 26. what time did you wake up: i got up around 10 today, but laid in bed until almost noon lolololoool (god why am i like this?) 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: attempting to finish part three of heartbeat and watching youtube videos 28. name something you can’t wait for: cooler weather tbh (i’m tired of this heat, and i wanna wear sweaters and boots again) 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: last night before i went to bed 30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i was more extroverted and “friendly;” i think i’m a pretty nice person, but i wish i could express that freely and not be an awkward bean or have people believe that i’m a bitch because of my rbf lol 31. what are you listening to right now: nothing; sounds can be distracting and i like silence 32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i actually have a friend named tom lol 33. something that is getting on your nerves: how rude everyone in bts is being lately; control yourselves pleaseeeeee 34. most visited website: probably youtube (i waste sooo much time watching the randomest videos) 38. hair color: dark brown/black, but it looks really light in the sun 39. long or short hair: it depends really; i’ve had both long and short hair and i loved them both! 40. do you have a crush on someone: honestly, it’s really hard for me to genuinely crush on someone 41. what do you like about yourself: hmm... maybe the fact that i’m not an open book; i’m a mystery that needs to be unraveled 42. piercings: only my basic single ear piercings (tho i really want to get more in the future - blame bts bc they have some amazingggg ear piercings) 43. blood type: i really have no idea, but i want to know so badly! my mom’s an O, but idk what my dad is so i can’t predict via punnet squares 44. nickname: well, gabby is a nickname lol but my friends call me gabbs and my fam calls my apple (idk why) 45. relationship status: single (and not looking) 46. zodiac: libra 47. pronouns: she/her 48. favorite tv show: i have loved scandal and htgawm (and any show on hgtv or tlc) for yearrsss; but some new faves would be riverdale and dear white people 49. tattoos: i want one in the future! but idk what i would get 50. right or left handed: right handed 51. surgery: i’ve had all my wisdom teeth removed lol 52. piercing: like do i like piercings? um yes. i’ve always wanted to make out with someone who had a lip ring LMAO 53. sport: i’m not sporty at all lol, but i really like reading sport!au’s and watching sport themed movies/shows. i think i just like all the drama behind it haha 55. vacation: yes; anywhere and everywhere 56. pair of trainers: like a pair of nike’s? or a personal trainer?? i mean, i would love to have a personal trainer because i need to hit the gym more

MORE GENERAL 57. eating: i love food 58. drinking: if i go to a restaurant, i usually order water or a coke; but i loveee iced coffee so much 59. i’m about to: finish writing lol 61. waiting for: creativity to surge through my veins 62. want: meet bts and just hug them and tell them that they’re loved and special and appreciated asdfghjjjjjjkl; 63. get married: one day 64. career: i want to be a travel writer, so i can do my two most favorite things: write and see the world

WHICH IS BETTER 65. hugs or kisses: hugs 66. lips or eyes: eyes are the windows to the soul 67. shorter or taller: i want to be shorter than my significant other (and so i can wear heels, duh) 68. older or younger: older bc my brother is two years younger than me and dating someone younger than me would be like his friends and ew 70. nice arms or nice stomach: ARMS BOI  71. sensitive or loud: hmm... depends 72. hook up or relationship: i am a hopeless romantic (and i think i’d suck at the whole casual sex thing because i become too emotionally invested) 73. troublemaker or hesitant: both of these are on two completely different spectrums, but i think a balance is better

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. kissed a stranger: no 75. drank hard liquor: i’ve had vodka before and it’s disgusting lol 76. lost glasses/contact lenses: omg yesss so many times! 77. turned someone down: yes and it can honestly get so awkward 78. sex on the first date: i feel like sex is a really intimate thing that i only want to share with someone who really cares about me 79. broken someone’s heart: i don’t think so 80. had your heart broken: um, i’ve been hurt before but having my heart broken romantically? no 81. been arrested: no 82. cried when someone died: yes 83. fallen for a friend: kind of and it ended h o r r i b l y (10/10 would not recommend)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. yourself: most of the time 85. miracles: i mean, i passed some classes that i believed i was going to fail... so yes lol 86. love at first sight: no, personally i don’t. like i mentioned earlier, i can’t develop crushes on people easily... so fall in love with them at first sight? no. i believe love takes time 87. santa claus: no, and it’s a shame we force children into believing he exists 88. kiss on the first date: it doesn’t hurt ;) 89. angels: yes

OTHER: 90. current best friend’s name: p <3 91. eye color: basic brown 92. favorite movie: freedom writers, dead poet’s society, dead man walking (as you can see i love torturing myself with sad dramas)

Tagging: @boymeetsfiction, @blumiin, @namjoonsbby, @jiminieee95, @dearseok, @boymeetsfiction, @taecup, & @velvethoseok. 

[obsessedbybucky]

do all the questions :x (now i'm the small dick with a lot of balls)

Here I did them all bb

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?There's this guy I've been talking to for more or less three weeks and I've gone to see him at his job and chill with him and all and he looked interested. He even asked me to come hang out by his place this morning. It was the single most boring morning I've ever had. We didn't do anyhing, kiss/sex/etc, and all he did was talk and drink and smoke and play with his tattoo things, idk man. Then he tells me he's going to sleep and I'm ???? Ok??? So I left, and before I left he told me he would text me when he woke up. He didnt. Idk man.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?The only person that's ever done that to me was one of my best friend's ex I fucked on his birthday. He was sweet. My best friend was happy for us but it didn't work so

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?Nah fam

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?Very

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?Sleeping and I received a text from my friend saying her significant other was just being diagnosed with cancer.

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?Me, myself and I probably

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?Probably nothing lmao

8: Are you close with your dad?Haven't seen him in a decade

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?Damn I wish

10: What are you listening to?Some NSYNC

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?Mcdonald's Caramel Iced Coffee

12: Do you like hickeys?Never had one

13: What time do you go to bed?Around 9 am

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?544444444444444rThis is kinda sad but my best friend. Also Lucas but fuck Lucas.

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?Not really lmao

16: Do you always answer your texts?Depends on who's texting

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?Yeah man. What he did what unnecessary and uncalled for.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?Some hours ago

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?Probably my best friend. And up until yesterday morning, it was the guy from question 1

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?"I hope he really will text me later"

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?Nope

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?Yeah man

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?Yeah, I was at the peak of my happiness

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?So many people man

25: In the past week, have you cried?I don't remember tbh

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?Grey, black and blue

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?When I was younger

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?The guy from question 1

29: Do you have a best friend?I have two

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?Yeah, even though it was a whole month ago and I know he wants nothing to do with me

31: Who was your last call/text message from?One of my two best friend

32: Are you mad at anyone?So many people tbh

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?I only ever kissed one person that was younger than me

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?23 or 24, I'm not sure

35: How many more days until your birthday?92 days

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?Not really

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?Not really

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?Yep

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?Yep

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?Ah man, so many times

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?Depends, really

42: Are you available?As fuck

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?at least 5, not sure if there's more though

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?I want my lip piercing back

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?Hell to the nope

46: Do you regret anything?So many things man

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?The fact that my best friend's significant other's got cancer and the dude from question 1. In between these questions I went to a McDonald's to get some iced coffee and I wanted to get some cigarettes and he works at the gas station next to it and I knew he finished at 7 and it was past 7 so I went to go there but I saw him so I noped the fuck out and I told my sister to get my cigs for me and he told her he saw me nope the f out on my way there. it's been 45 minutes, I thought he would text me to ask me why but nah. He just doesnt give a fuck man, depresses me.

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?Yeah

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?Not really, he was the most gorgeous person I've ever kissed. Even though he was a real asshole afterwards, 18/10 would do it again

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?I don't think he likes me, he actually made it pretty clear.

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?Yep. Some awkward story, let me tell you

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?He works at my job so if we work together he talks to me, idk

53: What was the last thing you ate?Cookies

54: Did you get any compliments today?No, which is a shame bc look at me, i'm gorgeous

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?Back to Montreal bitchessssss

56: Do you own anything from other countries?Yeah, some things I bought when I was in New York. The other things are from ebay and shit.

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?Girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life?Charlevoix, Quebec, Canada, which is disgusting

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?Last weekend

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?No???? And I dont know why???

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?Nope

62: Who do you text the most?My best friend

63: What was the last movie you saw?Begin Again I think, of Me Before You

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?Have no bf/gf

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?Lmao under 0

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?Nope

67: Do you curse around your parents?I do

68: Are you happy with where you live?Kinda

69: Picture of yourself?Nah

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?I don't even really believe in relationships tbh. I'm 18 and never had any

71: Have you ever been dumped?We weren't in a relationship but it did felt like I was dumped real hard

72: What do you most like about making out?The touching and the kissing, idk, I just love everything about it.

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?Lmao always

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?Them

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?The stomach. If they have abs, there's 96% chance I'd bang them

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?My best friend

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?Lmao yeah

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?Happened once

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?When someone kisses me

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?Yeah why not

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?Yeah, awkward

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?YEAH LMAO

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?No, fuck that fucktard

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?Never

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?Nope, except when I was like 11

86: How can I win your heart?Be attractive and give me compliments.

87: What is your astrological sign?Taurus

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?Sleeping man

89: Do you cook?Does mac and cheese count?

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?Yeah omg weirdly

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?Sometimes yes, but then I remember I'm a hoe that wants to fuck a lot of people so

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?Let's put it like that, I've only ever had sex with the same person more than once once, and I did him twice.

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?I'm very superficial tbh, I like twinks. I love it when they're small.

94: Name four things that you wish you had!A beautiful person to fuck withAt least 2k$A penis and no boobs sometimesFriends tbh

95: Are you a player?I am

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?I think the most I did was like 4 different people in one evening. Wasn't even playing spin the bottle or anything

97: Are you a tease?yeah

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?No :(

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?Nope

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?Yeah

101: Hugs or Kisses?Kisses

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?yeah

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?The ass or the stomach

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?yep

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?Yeah I'm a hoe

106: Do you flirt a lot?yep

107: Your last kiss?Okay so I was out at a bar with some friends and when the bar closed, I got my cellphone and I saw this dude from work texted me and I answered and he replied instantly back. Some friends wanted to go up to this dude's hotel room and I didn't wanna and I couldn't find a taxi. So I drunk called the dude and asked him to come and get me. Which he did. Lots of shit were said during the hella long car drive and once we were at my place, I don't really remember if I kissed him before the bj happened but I definitely kissed him before he got out of my apartment. So yeah.

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?lmao way more

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?The dude from 107

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?Justin Timberlake or Dylan O'brien tbh

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?I thought it was the guy I saw yesterday morning but now idk

112: Does someone like you currently?I don't think so

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?Nah

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?Flings bc hoe

115: Ever made out with just a friend?Yep

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?Single I guess, never had any relationships.

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

this past week and weekend have been so powerful

a bit depressed on weekends.. but wow so on monday i had an amazing day so a play for extra credit with stephen and elena and me and stephen kind of cuddled idk everytime we are together we are very touchy and i love it bc it means nothing we just love being touchy then that day i grieved.. i started tearing up thinking about my brother.. i thought of the song dear prudence at first bc the sun was uptake sky wa blue and those are  lyrics from dear prudence then i thought about how i with i could sing that song to my brother especially when he was battling with depression and then i thought about how i needed to hear that songng when i would battle with depression too and how i wish i could just be an older sister again and influence him and show him everything and everyone I've learned since being here and the day was gorgeous it was a beautiful n=monday sunny day and the air was just right with a light breeze and sunkist and the trees gistling in the backyard while i grieved then i thought of th song mother natures son then made some connection that he was making a connection to me bc i thought about where is he do i really connect with him is he still here and when i was singing it these lyrics stop out “lying on my field of grass- mother nature/s son... all day long.. i sit here writing songs for everyone .” and it kind of spoke to me .. like he spoke to me.. saying he's waiting for me in this heaven that i promised us.. a field.. and he's writing these songs all day long for everyone.. for me..thats how we communicate.. its so beautiful and amazing.. bc thats how we were communicating.. and at first for dear prudent i almost played it on my phone but then thought for some reason it just sounds more beautiful in my head.. he could have been singing it to me... and that sunday the day before there was intense yoga where i felt him playing guitar for me.. it was incredible.. and i thought back to all these memories with him and started tearing up from how powerful the corpse pose was... the song sounded something he would play.. and i kind of felt him playing it.. for me.. everything.. the style.. all of it. sounded like him. and so i played mother natures son on youtube to hear the lyrics and then dear prudence came on right after that.. like he clicked it for me.. are we communicating? i think so .. after that i went into my room but felt so energized and power and good and was touching cory when i walked by him and was just so full of light wand when i walked in the room elena was crying next to stephen and i hugged them but when i was walking towards the room i was contemplating just a bit if that experience was real.. then when i opened the door i randomly looked down on the floor and a small metal C was on the ground.. it made me smile.. and it didnt surprise m much.. for i was already in the magic of our dimension of reaching each other. i thought it was the C to his the necklace i made for myself in tribute to him but it was part of my earring that was missing the part that made it an o.. so it was a c.. and i placed it next the c i have on my crystal.. ad then later that day i met up with joshua and we tried drumming on a beautiful hill facing one side the city then the ocean but mosquitos came and we left and went to cafe rev and it was beautiful elektra was there and i made friends and saw friends and it was beuaitufl bc elektra and josh got to talk about the music school and a lot about incorporating music and yoga and ashram and we told her idea of having a drumming meditation yoga workshop then after that we left and saw guru duru and it was pure magic later joshua said he was waiting for like 5 years to olay with him and how old drum masters are good but duru is a baba.. a respectful legend.. a father of it.. he said duru is one of the best.. and it made me feel so lucky to be his friend and student.. he compared other elders to hum and basically no one compares.. and he said it was so powerful to see him that tonight and especially when he saw me throw my hands over him and damn I'm so fucking lucky that night we went to the yoga room and he taught me the african harp and since then I've been playing it and its dangerous.. so dangerous.. i spent like 3 hours on it yesterday i left i n the middle of a yoga class and i skipped things and ignore homework it takes me to a different realm and it catches peoples eyes and cast a postive judgement on me... its incredible itsnnuts it is one of the most beautiful things in this realm it takes me to other realms and that night mae me so happy and he fucking lent it to me he said it was going to be painful for him but he did it anyways.. joshua is a pure angel.. literally... casted to me from the gods.. and that night i showed baba and elena and they loved it and baba said i looked so beautiful playing it and took a picture of me and elena said she wants to hear tin the morning and the next day i got home and went straight to playing it again and i fucking figured out how to play carlo’s song.. the one i play on the piano.. but i played it on the fucking african harp.. the kora.. and it blew my mind.. it like ignites and invites him into my life.. bc it is such magic and it is HIS song. then i did yoga and left and played it more and another guest came in and loved it and took pictures of me and called me beautiful multiple times.. he later offered me so much weed and i refused then he gave me a bag of like 20 candy edibles and then i was cooking and this beautiful light of energy man knocks on the door to use the restroom and he is incredibly beautiful.. i hope to see him tonight.. but incredible.. there was like 10 extra new people at the ceremony.. such perfect timing.. the one tim ei go in the evening.. and he sits next to me and its crazy how drawn i am to his being.. his breathe.. wow it was so powerful to me that it made me laugh.. i laugh at how powerful men can be to me sometimes.. but his energy is very strong.. and i am mesmerized. such a cute geeky boy.. he has small glasses and a man bun and beautiful hazel eyes.. his name is dave.. i met all of those lovely people when i went up to grab the koran to play it outside hoping he'd hear it when ceremony ended and they all ended up coming upstairs bc stephanie (former resident) wanted to go to gurus room.. and stephanie is magic i cant wait till she comes and is a resident for a bit here.. she knew what a koran was,, she knew what i was holding.. and everyone was mesmerized by the instrument and every got quiet when i would play it and everybody was beautiful and i met chris a former british monk he just got back from a monastery in thalinad and we created so many plans together.. chris also adorable.. could be a brother of dave.. but dave has so much magic to him.. but chris says he plays flute and i told him i play african drums and koran and we can totally jam out and we are going to on saturday after morning yoga and tonight we are going to the full moon party in oakland with african drums and all my african drummer friends i am so excited I'm going to look so cute and i can just only imagine the MAGICAHHHHHHH and he said he's bringing friends too i cant wait to meet them he said he met them at burning man and shit I'm just excited joshua told me about this full moon party too and jesse is gonna be there and a few guys i met from the oakland drum circle like shit this realm is opening up to me its unbelavile I'm so excited and last night when they all left i played kora to the full moon and a special star i dedicated as my brother and played the kora for them... the moon blessed me with a  few tears and nostalgia of my brother,.. i felt it trying to work magic and put me in a place where I've been with my brother but it was difficult for me.. nonetheless the full moon last night was accelerating and escalated my life spiritually and in this realm.. and tonight I'm sure itll do the same.. I'm stuck son missing my first day of spanish class or dropping it for an african percussion class.. i would go to yoga then fire then the party or to class then party I'm not sure I'm gonna go run on it and get money from the atm for yoga house tuition  9/6/17

[subjectsilver]

my psyche and wormy be ruthless sometimes.

originally i told myself that i was only going to use tumblr every sunday to log what has happened throughout the week or anything noticeable or note worthy but i literally need to type this right now because I'm losing my goddamn mind and on the verge of a panic attack...i can feel my chest tightening and my heart has such a “funny” feeling that isn't so funny so idk why they call it that... its like a light feeling like when u get light headed - i feel light hearted rn

the absolute worst part about my depression is that it literally just comes and goes whenever it wants. obviously theres things that help trigger it, a song a picture of my ex friends snapchats, any object that i can play connect the dots with back to a single thought that can disrupt my entire mental.

and it hit me tonight and it hit me hard and tonight I'm trying not to run away from it. I'm not going to go smoke cigarettes and listen to music until 5 am I'm trying to just type what is going on instead of like holding it into my head. or type something at least. the thing about it is that whenever it hits me, i always find a way to make it so much worse.... like i see just the right combination of words or objects to sink me or look at pictures of emma and even though i know its hurting me i continue to do it anyway....maybe its because in that moment I'm actually feeling something, she is making me feel something just like she use to in the past. i really valued that until i became too grey and numb and hopeless.

i feel like throwing up

i used “ex” up there and  makes me feel really uneasy i haven't used it very much at all mainly because i have to explain myself to anyone here and I've only told a few people what is going on with me. That was good thought because i have a friend named hank who went through some shit too so he kind of connects with me but still not a person i would talk to about shit...i don't really have anyone for that so i don't really know... sometimes i type it all and erase it, sometimes i make songs, sometimes i say it out laid sometimes i just cry.

i started taking prozac 3 days ago this will be the fourth, so hopefully that'll help  me. Im still underweight as fuck but oddly I'm comfortable with it bc i like the way my shirts feel and clothes fit, unfortunately i need to gain like 20 pounds if i want to exist on this soccer team which is kinda mad. I was going to suggest leaving wake because i don't really even care to play soccer rn. and i realized a while back that all i needed was in ohio... like i had the best friends the girl of my dreams and i could've had a 1st year internship paying between 40-70k at some health company under my step dad... its kinda shitty because its something i wanted to tell everyone and i would always think about how disappointed my dad would be and how supportive my mom would be but something told me not do make moves with any of it. its like the universe knew i was going to go through some shit. like it knew i was gonna get low and the perfect image of life i had in my head up. like bitch u thought you'd plant roots,,,nahhhhhhtttt  

i keep listening to this song on repeat

https://soundcloud.com/yvpoipoi/maxence-cyrin-where-is-my-mind

but the real is back the ville is back

i fucking hated listening to cole until like 2 weeks ago. it was so annoying listening to cole bc of hani playing it literally all the time. when things like that get annoying they because white noise to me. but recently i went through his 3 most recent projects and actually listened heavily to the words and that shit is crazy.

i also have been paying a lot of attention to jay z and beyonce. i guess jay z had an affair or some shit and ten he and “once” went back and forth on songs about it... but i read this quote by him where he was like “our relationship was built on top of lies, and i had to tear it down and build it back up again and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.” thats the kind of shit that gives me hope in the world of relationships. I've accepted that its probably false hope but ill hold onto anything the keeps me going at this point...

my suicidal thoughts haven't been present the last few days but i never know if and when those will come back. to be truthful I've been stacking up on things in my camera roll that give me up for when I'm feeling low.

the light hearted feeling has subsided, i just realized it. i kinda of ignore all grammatical practices when i write freely. i just go with my own language because i feel like its more personal ya know. someone i know annotates her own letters that she use to write me and i always loved that shit because i have so many side thoughts when i write as well.

luke christophers album finally came out and what do you know 5 of the songs had already been released and some like a year ago so its barely anything knew but it still has new music and bangers so i do appreciate the legend himself. after seeing his hair blonde on the cover idk if I'm going to keep growing my hair black or re-dye it. maybe ill keep it blonde until i feel like I'm above 80% better or something  right now i feel about -7% (if i could annotate that line id tell you that i originally wrote -7 person instead of percent then i autocorrected person then backspaced it to a symbol) 

the last few days I've felt really weak though and I've been sleeping a lot like two days ago i got like 11 hours and yesterday i got like 10 and I've been taking naps during the day. but I've constantly felt like I've had low blood sugar or that I've been dehydrated or something. i can't even make a fist and squeeze that hard.

its crazy because when i type anything about myself ever i just start tearing up for no reason...happy thoughts sad thoughts dark thoughts i could be writing about my microwave and be tearing up. and i do it a lot with emma or my best friends or my ex and ex best friends idk what anyone is to me anymore. been too focussed on trying to survive, which i feel is the correct selfish thing to do for once.

“don't give a fuck and they love you do give a fuck and they hate you - I'm always gone be there for you”

this man luke in onto something

its crazy that i will leave my phone in my room from 7:30 am to 7-8 at night and the only notification that ill get is “your phone hasn't been backed up in 57 weeks” or some shit like that. occasionally ill receive a random text from someone but its funny because sometimes on the inside ill be screaming like “PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME” and then it happens and its like nah.. i thought i sent out an amber alert but really I'm sending out a batman bat symbol. i thought i needed anyone to talk to, but in reality i just need one singular person to talk to. that was my mistake, will always be my mistake but at least i recognize it now...just a little late there big guy.

having so much time to myself probably too much time to myself is really interesting...if you've ever thought that you've done real reflection, submerge yourself in complete loneliness and isolation and try again because its so much deeper. you think about everything. every individual relationship, every right every wrong multiple perspectives. you think about all of your problems and the root to your problems.  all of your mistakes why u caused these mistakes or what caused these mistakes. its actually really shitty because the bad will always stick out more than the good because the good is what is suppose to happen and the bad is the variable...variables get more attention than the constants i feel. deep down i don't think I'm a shitty human being.. even though i might think that a lot or hate myself...ik I'm only human and i can't be perfect and as much as id love for everyone to love me and me to not hurt anyone its more than likely unrealistic and it'll happen to me and already has happened to me and now i understand that and i will be more forgiving as i go on in life, the same forgiveness id want people to give me.

i use to think that everything had to work in reciprocality like for some reason i always thought everything should be equal all of the time..but i was extremely wrong, some people need more some people need less some people expect things and if they mean anything to you, the extra effort should hinder you or disrupt you...every human has a different way of looking at relationships and when those ways collide and don't add up it creates problem. I'm not saying people should give up in what they believe in but people should be less harsh about it... i know people who should be less harsh on me and i know people that i will be less harsh on and who i would be less harsh on if i could go back in time.

i tried to think about why I'm so afraid of butterflies and i can't really think of what happened along the way that got me here but i think the very root is the movie “butterfly effect” I'm also pretty sure they are remaking that movie into a 2018 version and ill probably go scare the fuck out of myself while seeing it.

my anxiety was gone until thinking about butterflies 

i tried to explain a fear of butterflies to this kid named mike and i sounded like an absolute idiot and then his response was ��does this scare you” and it was the close up of a butterfly from this spongebob episode and i can't get it out of my head.... i think the video is called “wormy close up”

 fuck wormy

usually id think something so symmetrical was beautiful seeing has my old tendencies make me love symmetrically and i do things in that way like when i touch my feet to surfaces and shit bc i feel all neat and organized but i don't like that every butterfly ever is symmetrical as fuck...like show why what the hell. and i want to watch a video on it but i don't want to go into shock or some shit.

and they have wings that flap which is what i hate about bugs in general.

to be fair though i do like butterflies that have bright blue or white wings cus i use to see those a lot as a kid when my backyard was a golf course. but my vision of a butterfly with like brown wings and black borders gahhhh fuck that....id weather let a centipede crawl on me from head to toe than a butterfly land on me to put in in perspective. 

idk man i think this post has done for me what i thought it would do what i intended it to do...i have to be up in like 3 and a half wish hours then run for an hour then ill take a solid nap for like 5 hours or just sleep pt.2 but i must be going... until next time or sunday.

i love you

fuck wormy

goodnight