#she costed us a lot of money
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My cat had to do an ultrasound bc she ate a plastic strand and we were beyond scared she'd have a blockage. Luckily the strand passed the intestine without issues but now she looks like this:
A piglet
#cats#cat#cats of tumblr#pets#shes so offended#i never forget to touch that belly#just to shame her#she costed us a lot of money#and a lunch with the family#with her hubris
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i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".
it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.
do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.
but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.
do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).
you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.
walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.
no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.
do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."
you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.
there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.
i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.
he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."
#spilled ink#warm up#“why did u tag it warm up” bc i wrote it off the cuff while drinkin coffee lol#btw the 30 dollar buy in for the dog walking is bc they pay the organizer a small pittance so she can#run fb ads and stuff and like she does put in a lot of work i don't mind paying her#but that's exactly what im fucking talking about like.#ppl can't afford to volunteer their time anymore and we all understand it!!! everything costs money for everyone!#like we didn't have to use to say ''do you mind paying me back for the stuff we ate''#we used to be able to afford to feed our friends once in a while!!!
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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad
#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries#it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc#ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop#like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions#cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt#you know how it goes#vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own#students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country#until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem#this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL#our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny#vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa#i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med#expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc#anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history#i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc#theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly#being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her#lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao#years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth#cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess#but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt
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nate being the only doctor makes me wonder what he's had to do for the others before
Nate does a lot for the crew. (Also woo look at his human disguise!)
When he's not actively treating or checking on them, he's constantly working to compare studies and test data to understand how to treat his friends, seeing as they have widely different genetic makeups and could react in ways that are *catastrophically* unexpected.
He can't use human rules when working on them, which greatly complicates things when he's educated in treating humans. Sera and Vince naturally have nucleated blood cells for greater oxygen input since they're always in rigorous activity, but this is a sign of leukemia or other major deficiency in humans. How do drugs interact with their bodies? what reaction will their immune systems have? do they have an intolerance to certain chemical developments?
This is partly why Vincent underwent so much testing and experimentation- to catalogue and document an atlas for the reproduction and understanding of this hybrid Variant species, and how every facet of its anatomy works in that respect. Like a rough draft you don't care about messing up, and use only to learn from.
Sorry Vince.
It's a wonder how Nathaniel was able to successfully recompile enough information to save his friends at all. It's a lot of stress on one guy with no nurses! That goes without saying for Amon (who is a beastshifter) Sonia... (Who is a living chemical synthesis lab) The various other people who end up joining... (Who shall remain incognito)
...Yikes.
He has likely seen all of them naked at least once, due to emergencies. He's extremely professional, so it's like it never happened... But it's still never fun to have to use that kind of ER protocol on your injured friends and associates.
Everyone except for Vincent, since V never lets Nathaniel treat him for anything, even when he needs it.
Instead, everyone caught a harrowing and unwanted glimpse of Vincent when he landed back home after streaking in the rain. He now flies with his pants duct-taped on. And goggles. For the glare and the overwhelming surplus of bugs he slams into at twice the speed of a f1 car.
#devarambles#nathanieltag#one of the awkward facts about their situation as rogues is they have zero medical support besides Nathaniel.#and he has to constantly inform himself on their respective anatomy because theres so much undocumented info on variant medicine#Despite all of the extensive testing and processing reports done on variants#which is done in reference to improving human medicine. not necessarily variant healthcare. useful data regarding treating people is...#few and far between. Private research and study is usually done for variations that prove useful to government positions.#So variant healthcare is usually employed towards certain government divisions or certain levels of corporate practices. otherwise they#simply don't bother. “it costs less money to replace you than it does to keep you alive.”#Lol nate chose a shorter and thinner appearance when masking as a human. It makes him look a lot more approachable and his knees don't hurt#Sera... feels somewhat unnerved by his human form. It feels like she's cheating on him somehow. She has him change back when he's home.#He's perfectly happy with that since he doesn't like being disguised much either. He's pleasantly surprised to see that she prefers him#to be true blue. Most previous partners would request him to change into other forms. Sometimes he was even asked to turn into celebrities.#Not fun. Really not fun. He'd eventually associate his true self with something undesirable enough to be rejected over.
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Wanting more homoeroticism in the tension between the show’s leads as the narrative introduces greater intimacy and higher stakes between them, especially in a landscape that lacks queer representation who isn’t a villain or dies within one or two episodes, but also recognizing that core values/motivation for these characters lie in their relationships with one of two major female characters in an on screen sausage fest where the only other woman is a morally reprehensible femme fatale and erasing and/or vilifying female leads in favor of conventionally attractive males is a common practice observed in fandoms that’s rooted in misogyny and justified under the guise of rejecting heteronormativity, thinly veiled double standards, or claiming the woman is simply not interesting enough and not wanting to bolster that mindset
#the worst of evil#you know who’s not interesting enough? haeryeon!! bibi’s acting the hell out of her and slaying while doing it#but idk anything besides she’s willing to subvert her dad for dick and values money over everything else#and also she’s hot which is great for me!! but also the male gaze#and I also get it - we don’t know much about euijeong in her limited screen time besides her relationships to junmo/kicheol#but she is given so many traits that are silently conveyed like compassion and bravery and sacrifice#she brought a fucking gun to her date with kicheol like the conflicts and motivations here are SO JUICY#her exasperation guilt and despair with the investigation; esp after listening to the voicemails#what’s the self respecting thing to do; do I still love my husband if he loses himself; can I continue a game I never wanted to play#at the cost of my life or my family’s life?#even though a lot of her choices are for her marriage she’s using whatever agency she has in her own terms#kicheol works to be an honest man and make a difference partly bc of her#not trying to place the burden of fixing men on her but ignoring her impact in the boys’ lives is wild#ship whoever you want hate whoever you want but don’t deride a woman just cuz ‘she’s in the way’ ya know#all this being said; kicheol bringing junmo home after he RAMPAGED seemingly on his behalf - literally who else is doing it like them#the yearning all around - I get it now; we need gangster mob!throuple to get any shit done around here (and for all 3 to stay alive 🫣🙏)#but the reality next week is gonna be so so bitter
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I just want to be allowed to scream at my sister the way she screams at me. I want to be allowed to slam doors and throw things and break things. I want to be allowed to react to the way she treats us and not be called selfish.
#hot fucking take but I don’t really see much dialogue on how fucking traumatizing it can be to live with an autistic person#whose autism outwardly manifests the most behaviorally#her not being able to help being dysregulated does not negate how fucking scary it is#to be on the receiving end of that behavior#and to be conditioned for your entire life that you’re bad if you react in any way#this is less about neurodivergence than it is about my fucking mother#especially because I’m likely on the spectrum as well#but if someone that wasn’t autistic did those same things it would be considered an abusive environment#I’m not saying that my sister is abusive#but I am saying that it is so incredibly emotionally damaging to live in this house#any harm done to me by the screaming and throwing and breaking things is not even allowed to be considered#because she ‘can’t help herself’#and the quotes there are again less about neurodivergence than my mother#because my sister actually has really solid coping skills… when my mother is not involved#my mother will make excuses and enables her in a way that is so frustrating#my sister would actually do much better if she were living in a dorm/group home like she previously was#but that costs a lot of money#and so she lives here with my enabling permissive mother#and is more dysregulated than she has been in YEARS#because so many of the skills and coping tools she learned at her resident program#she has completely stopped utilizing because she doesn’t have to#because instead of trying to work through it my mother will make excuses for her#so instead of trying to work through it she screams so loud my ears ring#and slams doors so hard they break#and throws things in a way that makes me scared she’s going to hurt one of us#but if I display any reaction to what in any other circumstance would be recognized as a frightening and harmful situation#I’m making things worse and I’m being selfish#I’m like. fine. in the way that I’ve had to be my whole life.#which is mostly dissociating and spending as little time home as possible#but every time it happens it makes me wish I was not alive
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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My mother confuses the fuck out of me
#i guess she's getting severance checks from her old job?#i mean fuck that's the least they could do after she worked there for 40 years#she only gets 900 a month from my dad's SSI survivor benefits#she went from saying we're struggling financially to suddenly offering to pay for shit i need#that kinda scares me because i think that means she's impulsively spending her savings. which could mean she thinks she's gonna die soon#she's 64 and my dad died at almost 63#like she helped my sister buy my niece a car. it's a 24 year old vehicle and only costed 4k and she paid 2k but 2k is a LOT to us#she said she's been saving my rent money to fix my car for the past couple of months on top of me saving for it#which means we definitely have the money to fix everything by now#but that's not happening all my tires still need to be replaced my ac doesn't work it's making clinking sounds#it stalled while i was driving the other day but turning it off and restarting it fixes it#anyway. the thing is I'm always sus about my mom offering shit.#she likes to hold shit over your head.#I'm very worried that she's gonna fix my car and then use that to control me in some way. because that's how it is every time.#but like.....it's better than not having the help. fuck.#i feel so privileged despite how broke and disabled i am. bc most disabled people dont have this to fall back on#the craziest thing is that the only reason we have this house is bc of my grandparents' inheritance#and neither of them went to college my grandpa was in the army#and my grandma only temporarily worked for jc penney as a bookkeeper#side note my 80 year old grandma was better with computers than most elderly people are today#just from that job? from what i know#when she died my family sold the family house and that's how we put the down payment on this house#which btw only costed 64k in 2012 apparently it's worth 175k now according to zillow#but like. how. i feel like my family being white and christian is the only reason we have all this privilege#i have a headache bye#.bdo
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it's really stormy today also <3
i'm really excited to talk to my mom about the SUPER STITCH! apparently it also comes in fucking mint green. which is amazing. i love a mint green contraption.
if we can't get our hands on one there are other (modern!) handhelds for a similar price point, which surprises me, but i really like the vintage one better. idk. i like the design of it more and it's fun that it's old and i just trust a more hefty piece of machinery a little more. if i really find it frustrating i can always get a new handheld sometime later bc these things are dirt fucking cheap
there's something exciting too about like. idk. it's this old piece of machinery that's honestly kind of a novelty in the way a lot of Extremely Specific Infomercial Contraptions end up being, but it still has a use, so it's reusing something extant and feels like. idk. less wasteful somehow. the idea just excites me very much.
ideally i'll get a mint one but a white one might be okay too. i'll probably decorate it with some stickers, since i have a lot and am always too paralyzed with indecision to put them on anything.
#i mostly wanna talk to her to figure out the money of it#not that it costs a lot but. yknow.#i feel kind of bad asking her for it entirely but maybe she could help figure out some returns i could do or something#or maybe i'll just see if i can take a commission since my tablet has a working cord now so i can draw for as long as i like#without my pen pressure fucking up#idk but im excited at the prospect of being able to use a fun contraption and sew doll clothes!#my dolls are coming in probably november or december#since theyre shipping in early october now -_- and could take 25 days#but that gives me a lot of time to do clothes#maybe i could sell doll clothes. who knows
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Maybe I'm a little naive, but frankly, I'd rather believe in the good in people than be cold and unfeeling again. Sure, I know I'll get hurt for it, but, frankly, I think it's worth it. Bringing kindness into the world is worth it, always, I think. I won't shut my heart to the world on the chance I might be hurt.
And, well, an old lady who barely speaks English and Norwegian that's in need of some tech help is worth helping. She deserves kindness, even if (and that's a big if) she's using me for free help (which I severely doubt, as she's old and starting to forget things).
Kindness is always worth it, I think. Hope is what keeps us standing, especially in a world that's steadily turning darker. So maybe I'll take a few hits for it, but, well, what's life without a little risk?
#text_loke#and like. i won't help her during work hours due to the time it takes to help her#and also like. it costs us a lot of money if i'm stuck helping her#i just. i'm soft i guess? i just can't let her struggle on her own. she's alone in a country that doesn't understand her#and i will check if the librarians can help her in the future. hopefully they can#as i sincerely do not have the time for it. my master's is coming up and uhhhh Stress#i just find it worth it to be kind. to be good. to be hopeful. keeps me alive#i come alive by helping. i come alive by being kind
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bagged a trial shift at a new pub just for my manager to immediately put on facebook if anyone wants an extra shift on wednesday. he knows what im doing
#he said GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RN#lmfaoooo the notif came through literally as i put the phone down i was like 😳😳😳#like that 'CONNOR' tiktok audio like no king im not doing anythinggg haha wdym#anyway im a bit annoyed that the first place to get back to me from my applications was this one#bc im pretty sure their pay is still minimum wage and also my cousin worked a trial shift there once#and not only did they not pay him but they also never called him back or even emailed to politely turn him down#literally just used him for free labour and that was that#word of warning from a very tired waitress if ur thinking about starting: always take trial shifts with a pinch of salt#if the trial shift is longer than 2 hours they really really should be paying you and if they dont the odds are you got mugged off#also the woman on the phone after i said i worked at the place i currently work at was like 'and do you still work there?' SHE KNOWS#and when i said yes she was like 'would you be willing to leave?' HOW CAN I BE TWO-TIMING BOTH OF YOU RN#LYING TO ONE JOB ABOUT SEEKING ANOTHER JOB LYING TO THE NEW JOB ABOUT LEAVING THE OLD ONE COME ON NOW#IM NOT BUILT FOR THESE LAYERS#but yeah summary here is i have a shift at my actual place on wednesday (thank god i havent had work in over a fucking WEEK)#and i have a trial shift at a new place where i'll most likely be offered a job. life is picking up#ALSO i have enough money to change my america flights bc basically something came up with that and i need to change my return flight#and i was originally rlly worried bc the change cost was £161 and that piled onto my current no-shifts stress was Not Fun#but ive been working a lot for my mum and i got paid for the shifts i HAVE done and it all kinda fell together anyway#the way everything is sorting itself today within the same HOUR yet ive been stressing about these things for days now#hella goes home#hella slaves to capitalism
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💜
#okay so here’s the thing is that a hardware store near me is having a big sale this weekend and there’s a few things that I had been eyeing#and researching for my home that are on sale like my living room / kitchen have really tall ceilings and I’d need an extra tall ladder to#get up there to change lightbulbs check the fire alarm and paint and they have one on sale from like 160 to 120 tomorrow that seems like a#good choice and I need a random orbital sander for some projects like sanding the wood planks that we are going to use to replace my porch#and I’ve been working on sanding my kitchen table I got used to get the paint off and stain instead and similar with my coffee table and#that’s on sale from like 50 to 20 dollars plus the sanding pads are on sale a few bucks off as well#and I think there’s one or two smaller things plus I need to get groceries tomorrow and I got a coupon in the mail for free fries with a#purchase at a burger place and I was thinking of taking myself out to lunch tomorrow before I saw about the sale and started making#decisions about potentially spending a lot of money and I have anxiety spending money and I’ve been working on it but it’s still something#that I will probably struggle with somewhat for the rest of my life it’s about managing in healthy#ways instead blah blah blah but sometimes when I talk to my aunt about this she gets frustrated with me because she thinks if I need those#things and have the money I should just buy it and not cause a scene about it and I don’t want to be dramatic but it’s like a#piercing adrenaline fear of not having the money to survive or get what I need in the future and anyways this isn’t what I meant to talk#about what I meant to talk about was that I’m thinking of spending a lot of money tomorrow and technically I have the money and the stuff is#on sale at least the hardware stuff not the groceries so despite it feeling like I’m spending a lot of money at once it will be more cost#efficient to buy them tomorrow than if I waited a few months and there wasn’t a sale going on#so I should purchase them and get groceries and maybe MAYBE even take myself out to lunch as a celebration of how much effort I’ve been#putting into fixing up my home that I love so much and just getting through this period of so much change as best I can#and not have a panic attack about it because it’s going to be okay and I have the money and I have a job with money coming in and I need#those items anyway and will need to buy them at some point and they will likely be more expensive in the future so it is okay for me to#spend the money on it now and it’s not the end of the world everything is going to be okay *right*?#I don’t know I’m just talking to myself mostly#this was a way to get my thoughts out about it without being advised to just get over it#also my tummy hurts and I’m being so brave about it#sort of lol
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how do i petition the government to make my mom not have to work anymore >:(
#she has cancer and her current job (walmart where shes worked for 30 yrs) is trying to get rid of her for using too much time off and#for costing their insurance a lot of money and bc of her health she cant do the Heavy Dog Food Department anymore and that makes them mad#and she still has a few years before she can retire so she has to look for another job to keep having insurance#my dad should die so she can have his life insurance money.
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Today I managed to unpack seven boxes, not that you can really tell. I did more than that though.
There is a very tall and very wide stack of boxes in what's technically supposed to be the dining room that are mostly full of books. It's been my dream to get them unpacked and on shelves since I moved in here. It's finally (slowly) happening.
Today I sorted through about a third of them. I pulled a few books from some, whole boxes from the pile, and repacked several others. The stack is now slightly shorter but takes up the same footprint (about half those books are either staying downstairs or need to be donated once I get the time to sit and consider them). I took as many of the craft books, star wars books, and manga that I collected in high school and college and moved them to the living room. From there the manga all went upstairs (since that's the bookshelf I started with and it empties boxes quickest). My partner thought I was crazy from moving them upstairs, but a lot of what I have isn't necessarily family friendly and some was reselling for quite a bit of money a few years ago. And since the work room can be closed off if we ever have guests over it makes the most sense. Their art books and gaming books are going to go into the loft along with my scifi and fantasy collection, while downstairs will remain reference books, gardening manuals, kids, and cookbooks. Yes, I've been planning this out for a very long time.
I'm going to have to go buy extra shelves soon, and possibly more magazine boxes but that's okay. And at some point I need to sort through what's in the loft and start moving things around. Just need to remember to wear my knee and elbow braces next time I start moving books; my joints are protesting right now.
#birdy tries to be a good adult#seeing all my books today reminded me of the time my aunt tried to convince my grandma to make me throw out my manga#because she found it offensive despite it not being in her direct sight#but her kids would go and hunt it down and read the ones i had hidden behind others#and since a lot of those were yaoi and boy's love she would freak out#like it was my fault that my male cousins insisted on breaking the look on my bedroom door and reading my private books#and yes my grandma knew what i read and while she didn't understand why she didn't care#i earned the money for them by working around the house and helping her with medical treatments#she knew how much the books physically cost and also how much i loved them#so she told my aunt that if she had a problem she needed to watch her kids better#caused a huge fight too lol#my partner knows about them too and also doesn't understand nor cares#in fact they've often asked me if i have certain ones if we find them at used bookstores#and been shocked when one was selling for fifty bucks and someone bought it while we were there
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you know. i wouldnt get so privately frustrated everytime i talk with my mum abt me and my brother paying ‘rent’/helping out w food or bills once we both have full time jobs if she at least had the decency to admit she just wants to use the money to pay off her and my dads debts quicker
#x#like. it’s not like i wasn’t planning to help out once i finished uni/got a proper job#i’m not. shameless. regardless of whatever they might think of me. i am in fact aware of the concept of giving back.#but it’s just like the first time it was ever brought up i offhandedly mentioned like. an average of what i thought was a considerate amount#to give. and she was like so obviously appalled? n was like well you know if you were living on ur own you’d be paying 3/4x that right#n suggested double the amount#and i was just like. idk. like no shit it would cost a lot more to live alone#but i’m not doing that am i? i’m staying with YOU. my FAMILY#am i not paying enough with the constant assault on my mental health and well-being by being around my dad here lmao…#did i not spend all my teen years hoping desperately to leave as soon as i could bc i was so miserable#to then find some sort of stability and decide that in this climate itd be better off to stay at home#like. it upsets me bc i’m just trying to think about saving up enough for the smallest hope of a pipe dream of my brother and i buying a#house together in the future. just SOMETHING just for ourselves for a sense of security#and i’ve told this to her like don’t you think me and harry should be saving as much as we can now while we live home…#bc they’re planning to abandon us in a couple years and go back to colombia anyways lmao. so it’s not like we won’t be paying rent ourselves#by the time we’re 25#which will make saving most of our money harder lmao#anyways she was like you’ll still be able to save a lot of ur money now! it’s not like i’m taking all ur money!#and i just feel like she’s missing the point idk. like. AUGH i’ve lost steam of my argument#but like. it’s not like they’re in a dire situation. like up until now when harry paid his first months worth of ‘rent’ they’d been managing#fine … like obviously everything is more expensive and we’re being more careful but like. it’s not some sort of emergency#she just wants us to ‘help out’ to teach us or whatever. and bc it’s right. bc they’re our parents#which. FINE like again i was never opposed to it ever i’m not an idiot or selfish i get it#but once i start working between me and harry we’ll be paying for half the rent. and we ALREADY buy groceries/food in general when we notice#there isn’t any at home#i hate feeling like i’m an awful entitled child for feeling upset abt it but i just feel like she setting us up to struggle just that Little#bit more when she leaves us alone in this country. and i’ve been stressing abt that since i knew that was their plan when i was like 12!#i don’t want her gentle little suggestions of helping out money wise to be couched in fucking. duty or responsibility to them as my parents#just ADMIT IT to me the money is going to go to paying your debts. just say it to me. it doesn’t sting as much that way. my god
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ah heem heem......
#literally my boss called me into her office and was like 'if you have anything to say tell me now'#'if we start the investigation and find anything we have to fire you'#and i was like 'you know me. you know that i have never taken anything and never paid for it.'#ive taken stuff and paid for it later that day or the next day#but NEVER?? no#i love this stupid job why would i steal from it#and in her defense she did say that there was no bad blood and we were okay#but like that means that if she sees something weird its like 'nothing personal youre fired'#i literally know she WONT fiind anything weird. thats the point. i didnt do anything#but it makes me feel suspicious and that me saying i didnt do anything is an admission of uilt#guilt#aand the more upset and nervous i get the less believable i seem#which makes me MORE UPSET AND NERVOUS#and i told a coworker about it and they really were acting like i did it#like BITCH IVE KNOWN YOU FOR YEARS YOU THINK I DID IT???#have i stolen before?? did i used to steal all the time and just dont remember???#what if i took something once and was like 'yeah i'll pay for it later tonight' and forgot and now its gonna cost me my job#because heres the thing#that VERY WELL couldve happened#my adhd is a fucking bad i very well couldve done that#she picked the perfect time to accuse me of this to retaliate too#last month we lost a lot of money at our snack market#which indicates a lot of theft#and i live here so it'd be easy for me to do#that doesnt mean i did it tho#god this is so upsetting#and this is gonna be a no news is good news situation bc i dont imagine they'll call me in and be like#'we went over months of footage and you have been found NOT guilty! :D'#like no if they dont find anything they'll just never bring it up again#but like that means im gonna be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the rest of the time im working here
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