#she just cannot understand how he goes thru all this without being at least a little bitchy:'D

[vegaseatsass]

Bad Buddy reactions thru ep10

This will cover episodes 6-10 so please try to understand how many feelings I'm trying to condense down into a single post before we finish tomorrow lol sob

Inkpa Pa is so valid for telling a tall girl that "taller than me" is her only dating requirement, and Ink is so valid for immediately taking that as an opportunity to flirt. And to make sure Pa knew she was flirting, unlike Pa who kinda pratfell into it. Lmao just a delightful scene all around. I also loved their earlier not-date, where they almost knocked the entire table over. Clumsy girl representation, baby!! There's just something so refreshingly familiar and true-to-life about both women. I can't wait to check out Magic of Zero for more of them. Like, Ink's face moles are so pretty, and she's so dashing, and she has liked the same girl since high school and fought to be her peer mentor to get to spend more time with her. Like. Can you imagine being Pa. Didn't even need that glow-up girl, take those contacts back out

Pat/Pran, public vs. private Something I was really enjoying before Wai outed Pat/Pran was the portrayal of their different feelings about a public relationship. Pat's straining desire to brag about his cute boyfriend (sidenote: the scene where Pran tried to feed him and Pat ran back to his room to giggle and kick his feet on the bed was the absolute most), in conflict with Pran's desire for privacy and discretion. I appreciated that they understood each other, and were sincerely trying to find a balance between what they both wanted without any resentment for their differing responses. So it obviously super sucks that they were forcibly outed instead! I can't read Wai as anything but stupid in love with Pran, and that at least explains why his behavior was so extremely extra that whole time (so extra that inspirational sports couldn't even bring him around. It took a fuckin shoot out! my dude), but it doesn't excuse it. Fuck you forever sir. That said. It is incredibly characteristically hilarious that the way they got exposed as boyfriends to the entire student body was.... Pat shoving Pran's head into his stinky armpits. Like that's truly their love language. Nothing else compares.

I have even more to say about public/private stuff so let's continue behind a cut lol. Ok so public proposals. Pat demanded Pran do a love confession in exchange for his help being in the play, and we all knew there was no chance in hell that Pran would do it. Pat knew there was no chance in hell that Pran would do it. Like, he claimed he demanded it because they had that whole "let's edge each other with romantic behavior until someone breaks" competition going and this was his chance to win big, he just loves seeing Pran's face when he loses to him... but he made it apparent the very next day is what he actually loves seeing is Pran's face when he's pestered to death by Pat, lol. Pat can lose to Pran, he does it often, but what he absolutely cannot do is leave him alone when there's an opportunity to tease or pester or bother or annoy. :') Anyway, I found all that very sweet, but! What I found even sweeter! Was Pran and his entire department setting Pat up for the actual public proposal of Pat's dreams! Because even if he was being a butthead when he demanded it of Pran, you know deep down he wished "yelling I love you in front of everyone" was something they could actually have. So I love that Pran gave him that platform, but on Pran's terms, when Pran was ready to be in the spotlight that way. It was like... a grand gesture where Pat was the one announcing his love, but the very act of Pran setting up the space for him to do it was a pretty huge gesture of its own. <3

Last thing I'll say on privacy and outings and whatnot goes back to what I was saying last time about Pat and Pran's rivalry as a metaphor for society, and homophobia. Coming out - or being outed 😟- to your school and friends is not the same thing as coming out, or being outed 😟, to your family or parents. Just v interesting how different the stakes were in this show for Pat and Pran's relationship getting exposed to those two different spheres. The textual focus of their being outed was not at all on their sexuality, but it really resonated that exact same way.

Entirely valid of Pran to want be a gender role-neutral couple instead of husband/wife, I support him fully, but! Every time the narrative tells me Pat can't be the wife or shouldn't be the wife I get a lil defensive. He is literally a baseball mom, hdu! Okay this is just me reiterating that Pat should get to wear a dress and simper to his heart's content.

Ah there were so many little moments I wanted to comment on; should probably just do a gifset deep dive tomorrow. One scene I wanna just quickly shout out was when Pat went to grab Pran's hand as they were heading out of their rooms for the first time, Pran freaked out and withdrew, then apologized and said "just give me time to adjust." And a moment later, he had adjusted <3 that's so real! That's sometimes all it takes! Respect my space, give me time, okay turns out the only time I needed was a second to recalibrate, I'm good now.

Secret family history Last but not least I'll talk reallll quick about the family drama reveal. HUGELY relieved that Ming and Dissaya's drama wasn't a messy breakup. FASCINATING that what went wrong between their families was actually a male friend benefiting from fucking over his female friend, never taking any real ownership of it because that would require losing face, and letting it fester into something he passed down to his son. Like maybe eps 11 and 12 will complicate this history, but it's intriguing to me right now that this isn't a case of grievances on both sides, but of Ming not only leaning into the friend divorce but actively pushing his son to uphold it, like he was helpless in the face of his own men's wrongs to do anything but pass them down to his kid. Especially intriguing because it kind of mirrors the Architecture vs. Engineering dynamic at the beginning of the series, when Engineering behaved like bullies, repeatedly, and Architecture just kind of defended themselves. Engineering - and originally, Pat's - justification for first starting all this shit (and continuing it way past when it made any sense to keep going)? They had to maintain their reputation! Even after the departments worked things out, the difference in their original grievances and aggression was never confronted, so it's been on my mind. Idk idk something something Ming passing down his toxic masculinity to Pat, where how you appear to others is more important than making up for wrongdoings or resolving conflict, and Pat ended up in the Toxic Masculinity Department until Pran started wooing him to spend more and more time in Architecture. NOT trying to force them back into the gender roles Pran rejected (Pran I promise baby), just trying to say something about what they inherited from their parents. Pran had his mother's grudge-holding anger and stubbornness passed down, but a lot of Pat and his department's worst behaviors really feel like a mirror image of his dad's big reveal. Am I making any sense. this post took like 3 hours to write lol I'm just gonna hit post

[helianthus21]

Lee Eun-yu @ Cha Hyun-su: Aren’t you tired of being nice? Don’t you just want to go apeshit?

[dianapocalypse]

Kieran Shepard - Character Profile

(Systems Alliance vector by Deviantart User Karlika)

I got extremely carried away so let’s go under the cut

this only goes thru about the halfway point of Mass Effect 2 right now because I’m still working thru the game! I’ll update it when I’m done with ME2 and after ME3 probably.

Pre-Mass Effect 1

Kieran Shepard was born on Earth and grew up in the slums of Chicago. She was shuffled around various foster and group homes for her childhood, and the only sense of stability she knew was in the gang she was recruited to at a young age, the Tenth Street Reds. She was part of the "Clubs" suit of the organization, specializing in hitting hard and fast. She was outfitted with her biotic amps by the gang to make her more effective in close quarters combat. She grew up very distrustful of law enforcement and authority in general.

After a job went south when she was 16 and she ended up tied up in a homicide, she was given the option by the courts to go to prison or go to an 'alternative education' school funded by the Systems Alliance. It was her first taste of structure outside of the gang life, and she adapted to it better than expected, eventually falling in line with the Alliance’s way of doing things despite her initial resistance to trusting the authority of a large military organization. Upon her graduation at 18, she joined the Alliance military. She served under Captain Anderson on the SSV Tokyo, and was one of the Alliance marines on leave when the Skyllian Blitz hit Elysium. Leading the charge to defend the colony and using her years of experience of fighting dirty and coordinating disparate people in the Tenth Street Reds, coupled with her military education, she and the colonists beat back the invaders and she was awarded the Star of Terra.

After this point, Kieran’s dedication to being the Perfect Alliance Soldier intensified; there were eyes on her now, and expectations to meet. The impostor syndrome began setting in. She fought back against it by overworking herself to be better than the best, taking even the slightest mistakes as evidence she was worthless and going to be discovered as the fraud she was. This only got worse when Captain Anderson hand picked her to be his XO on the SSV Normandy.

Kieran kept a fairly stiff outward appearance and did her best to emulate Captain Anderson, thinking this was what was expected of her. Despite this, she, Jenkins and Joker managed to develop a sibling-like banter while the Normandy was being prepped for its first mission.

Mass Effect 1

Eden Prime was her first mission officially having a command, Elysium having taken place before she was promoted. Losing Jenkins so quickly was terrifying, proof that she wasn’t fit to be here. But, no time for that, she carried out the mission, recruited Ashley, was sucked into the Beacon, etc. No one seemed to blame her for Jenkins’ death, which only served to make her feel more fraudulent. Like now that she had authority, there was also a lack of appropriate consequences. Her old disdain for authority tried to breach above the water, but she forced it back down. She found some solace in Kaidan’s logical, clinical way of explaining things, including Jenkins’ death; it helped the Subjective feel more Objective, and she came to trust his opinions.

The Council’s reaction to Saren was, as it is for all Shepards, infuriating. Again, her old reasons for distrusting authority had one more ‘point’ in their corner. Still, she did her best to stay in line, to be the Soldier she needed to be, and eventually to be the Spectre she needed to be. Losing Captain Anderson to politics, though, shook her. Before, she had at least someone higher than her on the food chain to turn to when she was in over her head. Now, she was on her own.

She came to lean more heavily on Kaidan’s advice during this time, and on Joker for levity. She didn’t take well to Garrus; his history as a cop and constant complaints that red tape kept him from getting justice done ‘his way’ smacked of crooked cops on Earth. Still, when they clashed, he tended to back down and consider what she said. She enjoyed Wrex’s company, though, his old war stories reminding her of the senior members of her gang on Earth. She also enjoyed her talks with Ashley and Tali, the former because of her candor-- Kieran could at least be sure Ash was always honest with her--and Tali because she was the only person on board who seemed as out of place as Kieran felt. Plus, Tali’s a delight, who wouldn’t like her? She was fairly ambivalent to Liara, not sure if she viewed her as more of an extension of her Prothean research as a person, and they had their fair share of awkward conversations, but there’s no malice there.

Kieran’s next Major Event takes place on the Citadel, when a member of the Tenth Street Reds tries to blackmail her into using her newfound power and influence to release one of their own from prison. In the time since she left, they became an even more outwardly xenophobic organization, which rubs her the wrong way. Doing her best to be a Model Soldier, she immediately reports him to C-Sec, leading to a confrontation. In the heat of the moment, Kieran panicks. Her past is a matter of public record, but she can’t have him dragging her thru the mud, spreading lies, hurting her reputation and the Alliance’s. Her position is too precarious. They’ll find out that she’s a fraud, even if he’s lying. She shoots him, intending it as a warning, but killing him on the spot instead. (I wrote more about this here when I played that part of the game!) The Turian cop is impressed. Kieran is horrified, both by her actions, and by the cop’s approval of her killing him in cold blood. She returns to the Normandy and throws up.

I’m fudging the canonical timeline a little bit here, but I think this event is what leads into Kaidan telling Kieran the story of how he killed the Turian ‘teacher’ on Jump Zero as a way of helping her contextualize what just happened. They Bond. The rest of the game unfolds without too many more Major Character Moments that are unique to Kieran versus All Shepards. Wrex survives Virmire, Ashley doesn’t. Ash becomes the second to die under her command, the first to die as the result of an explicit choice she made to save the man she has feelings for. The guilt threatens to rip her in half, but we have a galaxy to save, so she does. She manages to talk Saren into realizing he is indoctrinated, but it’s too late for him. She leaves the council to die on the Destiny Ascension, not willing to risk losing firepower to use against the Reaper, and is infuriated when the political spin on the story becomes that she was ‘protecting human interests over galactic ones’. She does not understand why the lives of three politicians should outweigh thousands of soldiers or millions of civilians on the Citadel, and she never will.

Having never trusted Udina, Kieran nominates Captain Anderson to lead the new council. She spends the ensuing months cleaning up pockets of geth resistance with the Normandy crew before getting spaced by the Collectors, as all Shepards do from time to time.

Mass Effect 2

Kieran wakes up in a Cerberus facility and is horrified. She ran into Cerberus plenty in Mass Effect 1, and her impression of them is bad to say the least. After fighting her way through the facility under siege and being horrified by Miranda’s actions killing Wilson, she heads to Freedom’s Progress, all the while trying to figure out a way to get out of this, even tho she suspects The Illusive Man’s statements that she’s free to do as she pleases to be lies. No one invests that much without expecting returns, or demanding them. Her only solace is in Joker, who at least seems not to have changed much, and Dr. Chakwas. She tries to communicate to Tali on Freedom’s Progress that she doesn’t want to be here, tries to get her to come along for the mission, but at least for now, she can’t. She goes to Captain Anderson on the Citadel to try to bring the mission to the Alliance, the Council, anything to get away from Cerberus, but he cannot help her. Her old crew is unavailable, Kaidan’s location is classified, she can’t get messages out to any of her old crew without risking Cerberus reading them and someone has to stop the Collectors.

Even though the two had never been close, she is elated to see Garrus on Omega, in as bad shape as he is. At least he’s a familiar face and someone who doesn’t trust Cerberus. She bonds with Zaeed for similar reasons to Wrex; she likes his old war stories and he reminds her of the people she grew up with. And, he doesn’t treat her any differently because of her status. She’s still guarded around Jacob and Miranda, she doesn’t trust EDI, and she immediately gives Jack access to all of Cerberus’s files. The two don’t exactly get along, but they at least have hating Cerberus and their colorful backgrounds in common. Grunt at least is easy to understand for her; prove you’re strong, and he’ll respect you. Good enough for now.

Horizon hits Kieran like a truck. Seeing the Collectors in action is traumatizing enough; then she sees Kaidan, who she’s been wanting to talk to since she woke up, who she hoped would understand that she’s trapped, and he lays into her for a situation she feels she cannot control. He says she betrayed the Alliance, betrayed him, wonders if their relationship meant anything to her. She’s stunned. Until this point, the fact that she was gone for two years never really felt real, never sunk in. But now it’s undeniable. It’s changed her, it’s changed the people she cares about, and she feels like she truly lost everything. Even after getting his follow up email (which I highly recommend listening to the voice actor read), Kieran’s mental health is in shambles. It’s not enough to undo her self doubt spiral. He thinks she’s a bad guy now? That she’s a traitor? Fine. No point in fighting it, then. (To be clear, I personally don’t blame Kaidan at all for Horizon, nor Shepard, it’s just a shit situation, but Kieran’s self esteem is SHOT)

Kieran starts getting reckless in the ensuing missions. She starts taking a lot more renegade actions, in a gameplay sense, things she would never have done when she was trying to be the Perfect Soldier. Now, everyone already thinks she’s out of control, and she falls back into old habits. If everyone already thinks you’re bad, it’s easier to just become what they say you are.

I’ve only done Miranda’s loyalty mission so far, and the first exception to her current downward spiral into Renegade is Niket. His logic reminds her of Kaidan, as does how Miranda describes their friendship; she tells Miranda not to shoot, has a brief moment of clarity that oh, yeah, killing someone you were friends with is traumatizing, probably. Don’t do that. She and Miranda bonded a bit over that mission, I think; she still doesn’t like Cerberus, but she likes Miranda, and I think that counts for a lot for her.

That’s as far as I am in the game at the moment! Her current attitudes to the rest of the crew are: Jacob she is indifferent to but respects his honesty; she doesn’t like or trust Mordin due to his treatment of the Krogan and the sense of racial superiority over the Krogan; she likes Kelly and the engineers fine; she has a respect for Jack even if Jack doesn’t like her; she likes Garrus more now that he’s not so into his “justice by any means necessary” bit but we’ll see how his loyalty mission goes; she likes Kasumi; she is really glad to have Tali back, esp because she’s SO OUTWARDLY HOSTILE TO CERBERUS and it’s great; she likes Grunt and views Zaeed as kind of a fucked up father figure; she likes and trusts Chakwas and Joker; jury is still out on Thane but she at least can see he does his job well; and she CANNOT STAND SAMARA. Might end up going with Morinth on this playthru!

If you made it this far, holy shit, why???? Also thank you!!

[lemongogo]

hey im the anon abt gyutaro/ume and i dont remember what happens to demons after they die ?? did i miss smth ? regardless i wanna ask what do you think their fate should be ? cause on one hand i think they're just victims of a cruel world who took the first way out they could find but on the other hand it doesnt rlly justify all the slaughter, and i also think abt the demon slayers who also suffered horrible fates and used it to fuel their determination to save other people from that pain

hi !! i don’t think kny ever explicitly mentions what happens to demons after they die (as in we never have concrete evidence of where they go or how their lives after are spent), but i think the general consensus is that the demons go to hell. 

in some cases, the family can decide to go with them (ex: rui and i think akaza? if i remember correctly?) but their fate is pretty much sealed from that point forward i believe. 

heres a pic of gyuutarou and ume, actually, in chapter 97 !!

but yeah !! thats something i think about a lot tbh. as you mentioned, many of the demons we’ve seen have either been groomed into demonhood (rui, ume, susamaru, etc.) or had their pain and suffering exploited (akaza, gyuutarou) for the sake of advancing other demons’ plans (muzan, douma, etc). so i agree ! a lot of these characters are unfortunate victims in themselves and its impossible to view their stories without incorporating the struggles they’ve had to face as both humans AND demons. especially considering that lots of these individuals experience muzan’s abuse regardless of their status relative to him (such as with the upper and lower moons). i think this is best explained through akaza’s relationship with muzan,

(ch. 67)

(ch.156)

and further explored though tanjiro’s observation of rui’s death. he notes that being a demon, for most, is an existence punctuated by extreme grief and despair, and that’s equally supported, i think, by the humanization of these demons following death. that their original conscious is restored (albeit with knowledge of everything they’ve done) and are oftentimes plagued by the guilt of what’s happened.

(ch.43)

what he says here is probably what sums it up for me. that while it’s important to condemn these demons and hold them accountable for the truly awful things they’ve done, it’s also important to consider the suffering they've experienced through existence alone. its so !! complex !! and thats what i love about kny. i love how .. you have some demons who are entirely despicable and bask in the carnage they create, but you also have some for whom demonhood was simply what appeared to be the only answer towards living a healthier life or righting the wrongs that’ve been done to them (usually with false promises and manipulation unbeknownst to them). and .. its so hard to figure out where to.. draw that line. or view these characters at least. because you sympathize with their pain, but you also realize that their actions have caused endless pain for many hundreds of people. tanjiro losing his entire family, giyuu losing his. shinobu watching her sister die before her very eyes, and kanao the same. the ubuyashiki family’s curse or the slaughter of himejima’s children. you look at characters like sanemi, shinobu, or giyuu and understand that you cannot invalidate their view of demons either. while kanae and tanjiro may find hope and humanity in demons, they exist as monsters who feast on pain to everyone else. its important not to discredit their perspective when making a personal choice to observe the demons’ hardships yknow. shinobu’s anger is just as warranted as tanjiro’s optimism and that neither are wrong for how they personally feel demons should be handled after death. 

im like. AAAAAAAA theres so much to it , its really hard for me to condense into a few sentences AHAHA im so sry for making u read this if u still are. but . i guess i’m not too sure. i think maybe, had i experienced the same pain as those above, it would be easy for me to say the demons deserve to go to the worst hell imaginable regardless of what they’ve gone through because that history isn’t accessible to everyone like it has been the audience (or that they’ve seemingly made the conscious decision to cause harm w/o understanding the ways in which demonhood obscures their original conscious/morality). but at the same time, you have those like tanjiro whose world view is shaped by positive encounters with demons like nezuko, tamayo, yushirou, etc. where it seems very evident that . theres more to it than what meets the eye. 

one of my friends ive talked to about this had a rly good perspective on it thats kinda stuck with me since !! she said she likes to view their conclusion as some . separation of identity?? if that makes sense?? that the demon side of them goes to hell while their human form goes to heaven (or division into whichever afterlife). and !! i think thats a really neat interpretation because there’s obvious descrepancy between demon personas and human personas. that the demon personas are like. exaggerations of their flaws, almost (akaza becoming hellbent on battle spirits and physical victories when hajuki’s fury & determination was fueled by love in a sense) while their human personas are the truest sense of self. and depending on which influence there is (muzan vs the appearance of loved ones), their identity changes accordingly. so ! idk ! thats one nice way of looking at it. holding their demon personas accountable while also recognizing that many of these characters deserve some form of healing after many hundreds of years of abuse. its hard because ofc i don’t want to negate the harms they’ve caused but its also? not cut and dry given the environment they were placed in and the fact that muzan’s blood essentially removes their humanity against their will you know. so in this way at least you have both forms of self receiving the proper conclusion. 

whwhwhw so im. !!!!!!!!!!!! ah !! i can’t say i have a definite answer but i think the one above is smth thats comforting to me. i think the story settles with sending them to hell once they’ve regained their past self but also .. “softens” it by providing them company by their loved ones who are willing to go w them?? so thats rly cool to look at too. because it holds them accountable for all that’s happened but also.. recognizes that they’re not wholly responsible for it either and that .. even in hell they’re able to keep their connections and human emotions/experiences . its tragic yet oddly. fitting, i think, of the kny narrative. while i like the aforementioned interpretation, i also really.. appreciate the way its set up in canon too. like yeah i want the best for them but also. it fits in with the tragic nature of demonhood and what it meant for them all. oddly enough. 

u make a good point too !! about demon slayers experiencing the same hardships but using their pain to help others. i think a lot of it is plainly chalked up to luck in terms of.. what they were exposed to following tragedy. how shinobu and kanae were saved by himejima, tanjiro saved by giyuu, kanao picked up by shinobu and kanae, sanemi given the guidance of kagaya while akaza was killed by muzan during his lowest moment, ume and gyuutarou were cornered by douma, rui misled by muzan, etc. i think circumstance is definitely a large factor in determining the paths that were taken. such as sanemi’s anger being validated and heard by ubuyashiki vs, say, akaza’s same anger being intentionally exploited for muzan’s gain.

aaa anyways. theres a lot 2 be said about this. like. SO much on my mind and obviously the extent of muzan’s abuse goes far deeper than what’s briefly mentioned here but.  i love talking about the complexities of kny . and how i view the demons vs the corps and how each of them have grown into their respective stories . AA but ill end it here THNK U >> also so sry for making u read thru all of this i get so excited i could talk abt kny all day long if i had the chance AAA 

[wordsandshawn]

Spiral

Requested: Angst where Shawn teases the reader about her weight as a joke, but she takes it really personally and gets super insecure about it

A/N: Not quite as a joke because I don't think “joking” about someone’s weight is ever okay, but Shawn says something and y/n definitely interprets it in a certain way that kind of spirals into a mess. 

Warnings: talk about weight, descriptions of negative thoughts, negative body image, angst. 

~

With the amount of stress you’ve been experiencing lately, a lot of your normal self-care routines have been thrown out the window, partially because you don’t have the time and partially because you don’t have the energy. Self-care for you looks like going for runs, meal prepping so you can eat healthily, and taking nights off where you take long bubble baths, deep condition your hair, and just be really lazy without letting yourself focus on the stresses in your life.

Since all of those things take time, you haven’t been able to do them. Truthfully, you haven’t been prioritizing them like you should. It becomes a cycle that all just spirals downhill. You get busy so you stop taking the time to care for your mental health, but then your mental health goes downhill, and then you’re not in the right mind to realize how much you need self-care, and it continues to get worse. 

When weeks or months go by without you remembering to take care of yourself in the little ways, it really affects your mental health. You’ve really started to notice it over the past week. It feels like you’re drowning, but you don’t quite know how to get yourself back on solid land.

Talking to Shawn normally helps you feel more grounded when things like this happen, and truthfully, he’s the one who normally pulls you out of these feelings when you get like this. But he’s been in Australia, and you’ve both been pretty busy. Even when you finally get a chance to facetime him or talk to him, he’s too far away to do much. 

Your phone is propped up against a pile of laundry on your bed, and you’re Facetiming Shawn while folding the laundry. You had just finished telling him about how stressed you’ve been lately, and you how much you hate it. You explain that it seems like everything is nnever-endingand no matter how much you do, there’s always more for you to do, which is discouraging and disheartening and difficult to deal with. Lately, just the buildup of it all has led to you constantly feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

When you finish telling him all of this, you continue folding your laundry and Shawn is silent for a few moments. You don’t think much of it, assuming he’s just thinking too. When he finally speaks, he says, “Have you been running lately?” This question catches you completely off-guard and makes you feel immediately self-conscious of your body. 

Your phone had been propped up in a way that showed your whole body since you were busy folding laundry, but you grab it, no longer wanting your body to be on the screen or in his view. “No, I’ve been busy.” You respond, feeling defensive.

“I know, but maybe you should start again.” Shawn suggests.

“Yeah, maybe.” You respond before quickly changing the subject. You got the message loud and clear, and you definitely don’t want to talk to Shawn about this anymore, fearing that you’ll feel even more insecure and unworthy than you already do.

If you were in a better mental state, you might have brushed off the statement and not pondered over it. But with where you are right now, you can’t help but read into the statement. You know that you haven’t been running lately, not for the last few weeks, at least. And you haven’t been eating well either. It’s been so difficult to find the time and energy to run after a long day or to wake up early to get in a run before work. Once you fell out of the routine of running several times a week, it’s been nearly impossible to get back into it. And as for eating, meal prep and getting to the grocery store have been hard. It’s been easier to pick up something on your way home from wherever you were or to drive thru somewhere on your way to your next destination.

Apparently, Shawn’s noticed the results of this in your body. You were somewhat aware that you had been gaining a bit of weight, but you didn’t realize it was that noticeable.

You end the conversation rather quickly after that and find yourself making up excuses as to why you can’t facetime Shawn over the next week while he’s away.

When Shawn returns home a week later because he has a twenty-day break between shows, you can’t avoid him any longer. You’ve talked to Shawn less than normal over the last week, not being able to bear the negative thoughts that tend to overtake you whenever you talk to him and start to wonder what he may be thinking of you. It’s taken nearly a whole week of struggle, but you’re starting to finally feel some sense of control again.

You’ve begun making your workouts a priority, and you’ve started eating healthy. Even though it’s only been a week, you’ve noticed a change in your body. Although running used to bring you mental release, it doesn’t anymore. Now you’re so focused on running farther and faster, focused on burning more calories and growing thinner, that it only causes more anxiety.

You’re more irritable lately, and on top of the worries and pressures of work and school, you find yourself worried that you’re not enough for Shawn. You’re terrified he’s starting to think twice about wanting to be with you.

When he shows up at your apartment, you’re worried he’s judging your body. He pulls you close in his arms. It’s been nearly a month since you saw him last, so of course, he misses you. You missed him too, but you can’t help but pull away from his embrace, much quicker than he would have liked. His hands linger on your waist, but only for a second before you brush him off completely and distract him by suggesting you watch a movie. 

Shawn pushes back on the suggestion at first, saying he wants to have dinner, maybe go out to a restaurant or order in, but you lie and tell him you already ate, even though you hadn’t eaten anything since the morning. You tell him he can order food if he’d like, but he decides not to. He’s disappointed that you ate without him, knowing he was coming, and you always eat together. This is true, but you couldn’t stand the thought of eating in front of him after you’d been scrutinizing over the words he said to you over facetime for the past week.

After a little bit, he finally drops the subject of food and agrees to watch a movie. He can tell there’s something off about you, but you insist you’re just tired, and you want to relax. As the movie begins playing, you stay mostly on your side of the couch, and Shawn clearly gets the message and respects your space.

Finally, after about an hour, Shawn can’t take it anymore. He pauses the movie and turns toward you, “Are you mad at me?” He questions, clearly, he’s been searching through his mind to try to figure out what could have possibly gone wrong between the two of you.

“No,” You respond. You’re not intending to be short with him, but there’s too much going on in your head that you’re not able to speak out loud.

“What are you upset about?” He questions further. 

“Nothing.” Everything. “I’m just tired.” The most common lie.

He studies you for a moment. He sees right through that lie, and you’re not surprised that he does. “Y/n, you can talk to me. You know that right?” He says in a softer voice this time, and you nod, but you still don’t talk.

After a couple more seconds, you can’t take it anymore, and you reach to turn the movie back on. Shawn asks you questions throughout the rest of the movie to try to understand your change in demeanor, but you refuse to give anything away.

When the movie ends, Shawn turns off the tv before you can even suggest putting on another. He looks at you and you look anywhere but back at him.

“What’s wrong?” He questions, finally. His voice is soft like he’s hesitant and unsure but he genuinely cannot figure out what has happened to you or why you’re acting this way.

“Nothing.” You mumble, but you refuse to make eye-contact. You’ve never been good at keeping things from Shawn.

“Seriously, y/n.” Shawn says, scooting closer, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” You respond, slightly more forcefully this time.

“Okay,” he pauses. “What’s on your mind?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” You snap, something you rarely ever do.

Shawn is clearly surprised, but he doesn’t get angry like you expect him to. It’s like he knows there’s something off with you, and he’s patient enough to try to figure it out instead of getting angry at you for snapping at him when he’s only trying to help.

“Look, y/n. If I did something that upset you, please tell me because I have no idea what’s wrong or what I did or how I’m supposed to fix it.” He’s running his fingers through his hair like he’s stressed. The way you’ve been acting has been freaking him out, and he can’t figure out what to do to make things better. All he wants is to be able to make things better.

You finally sigh. You know you should have just talked to Shawn about your feelings from the beginning, but instead, you chose to keep them inside where they festered and grew and led you to where you are now. 

“Am I too fat for you?”

The words come out nearly inaudible and Shawn leans closer to you, asking, “What?”

You swallow past the lump in your throat. “Do you think I’m fat?” You say, this time loud enough for him to hear. His eyebrows immediately knit together in confusion, but before he can respond, you blurt, “Do you not like me anymore because I’ve gained weight.”

“What are you talking about? Of course not, y/n.” He responds forcefully.

“It’s just that last week you made a comment that you thought I needed to work out more.” You respond, your heart is beating fast and the anxiety within you is building just talking about this topic.

“Y/n, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t say that you needed to lose weight. I think you’re perfect the way you are, and I would never say something like that.” He responds, still baffled. 

“But you did, Shawn!” You respond, feeling suddenly emotional.

“Okay, okay, let me think about it.” He responds, reaching out to take your hand in an attempt to calm you down without moving too close because he senses that you’ve been wanting distance and he wouldn’t want to push past your boundaries. He takes a deep breath, no doubt trying to regulate himself and pull his thoughts together so that he can hold you together and keep you from falling apart. “What else were we talking about? Maybe you just heard wrong or something?”

“We were facetiming, and I was folding laundry and telling you about my week and you said I needed to run more.” You explain, that exact moment was already seared in your mind, you don’t know how he could possibly have forgotten it.

Realization floods his face as that moment comes rushing back to him. “Y/n, I promise I didn’t mean it like that at all. The only reason—the only reason I asked was because I know that it helps you feel better when you run. And I know that it helps you get out of your head and you feel so much less stressed after. I remember, you were telling me about how stressed you were, and I just thought that was something that could help you mentally. It didn’t have anything to do with your body or your weight. Fuck. I’m sorry. I should’ve been thinking, but I just wasn’t thinking about that at all and I didn’t realize how it might affect you.” He pauses, and you let those words sink in for a moment. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes, genuinely looking sorry.

You realize how much you’ve over-reacted, and you believe that Shawn loves you and that he would not say something like “You need to work out,” without having your best interest at heart. “I’m sorry, I overreacted.” You respond, but even as the words leave your mouth, you’re not quite sure they’re completely true.

The doubts have still been planted in your mind. You’ve been self-conscious about your body and your weight for as long as you can remember. It doesn’t matter that people always say nice things to you if the topic of weight ever comes up in conversation, you still feel the way you do. Sometimes all of your insecurities flare up and leave you having negative thoughts for a while until you’re able to appreciate your body for the things it lets you do, for being a safe home for you to live in, and for the healing and breathing and walking and running and laughing.

“Hey,” Shawn whispers to get your attention. He noticed you get lost in your mind, and he tugs gently on your hand like a whispered come back to me. You look at him, and he says, “I love you, always.” You just nod, not even having the words or energy to respond verbally. He scoots closer to you on the couch, and this time you don’t back away. He wraps his arms around you, and you lean into his embrace.

“Do you want to know what I thought when I walked in the door earlier tonight to see you?” He asks, breaking the silence that had fallen between the two of you.

“What?” You question, preparing yourself to hear Shawn say something completely sappy and far too romantic for your liking.

“How lucky I am that the most beautiful girl in the world actually chose me.” He responds, keeping a straight face and sounding genuine.

You look at him, his face only a few inches from yours, and crinkle your nose in mock disgust. “Shawn, do you even hear yourself?” You question, but a small smile spreads across your face, and it only gets bigger when he breaks into a smile too.

“Yes. And it got you to smile, so that’s all that matters.”

You shake your head at him, but you don’t stop smiling. “I love you,” You say before tilting your chin up, your silent way of asking for a kiss. Shawn immediately obliges and closes the distance.

After a few seconds, your stomach growls, giving away your earlier lie about having already eaten. By the look in Shawn’s eyes when you make eye contact with him, he heard it too and knows exactly what it means. For a second, you’re afraid he’ll call you out or be upset, but he just reaches for his phone, “So… Chinese or Italian?” He questions naming your two favorite types of food, and you let out a breath you didn’t realize you had been holding.

“Chinese.” You respond without having to think twice this time. “And I want to get an extra side of the orange chicken sauce because they never give enough.” You add.

“There’s my girl,” Shawn says with a smile as he searches your favorite Chinese restaurant in his postmates app. And he’s right, you’re feeling a lot more like yourself since having that conversation with Shawn.

You may not just forget about the self-doubt and the feelings of insecurity that have recently been stirred up in you, but there’s one thing that you don’t doubt, it’s that Shawn genuinely loves you and supports you. He loves you for who you are. He considers himself lucky to be loved by you, and that makes you feel so loved, treasured, and valued at the end of the day.

[talkingismylifewrites]

babe.... bAbe..... u can’t give them the Good Dad Rog shit and the. not follow up with the hot space angst.................... it’s what the people Deserve

i copied this verbatim from our chats so like, if its choppy that’s why. also, this is like….part 1 of what is really 85 pages of hc’s all about hot space so like…more to come??? sorry for the angst

it begins with brian having cheated on chrissie

and dom, who is pregnant with baby #5, takes Offense to it

basically dom gets chrissie her divorce and sets her up with crystal, who has always had a Thing for her

and while in the middle of handling this shit because dom is kickass, dom comes to the decision that Brian Is Wrong and Needs To Be Taught A Lesson

so she convinces ronnie to her side and is like, we do not interact with brian for as long as it takes for him to realize he fucked up

so basically hot space is such shit because dom and ronnie are like for however long you support brian we will not have sex with either of you

like you want to be there for him? fine but your hands gonna be there for you instead of us

john immediately is like good luck brian hope you figure your shit out

kinda backfires actually

roger and john are like uhhhhh

well this is a shame certainly bc we love u

but also

ig we…. gotta fuck each other

Oh No

they’re so smug about it until they receive an envelope from home

its pictures of both women together in various positions

john gives in first but roger is annoyingly stubborn when he wants to be

And that’s why John don and Ronnie all get to go to Bali

they come back

And roger has moved out

and he’s like. uh. can i? am i allowed to see the kids

and they’re like wait what?

and they’re like OF COURSE WHY DID YOU MOVE OUT???

and he’s like. you uh. u said? that if i stuck with brian that we were like. done. and like brian’s a fuckhead and chrissie deserved none of what he did but uhhhhh he’s also like. my best friend and he’s going thru some shit even if it’s self inflicted u know and um. you guys have each other i guess so like i knew you’d be okay but i just.

i’d really like to be able to see the kids

and fucking miami ends up at the door

with all the NDA’s and legal shit they sorted out

like ok so, here’s how separation is going to work

and they’re like wait no no no we just–we were just upset???

but roger is like but you threatened to end our relationship and withhold sex unless i give in to what you guys want and i’m sorry but i…i can’t do that

and miami is literally like you. you all. left. and you took the kids with you. you left a NOTE

what the fuck did u think he was going to think?

and they’re like WE TOLD HIM WHERE WE WERE

WE THOUGHT HE’D COME

miami is like

“bali” is not an invitation 

 like no you thought you could manipulate him into bending to your way

that doesn’t COUNT

miami is Team Roger

which is how they know They Fucked Up

and roger just kneels down before their little army of kids and gives them giant hugs and is like no matter what i will always love you guys

and then miami like takes him outside and is like i will take you all for everything he’s owed

and roger goes and lives with freddie

brian ofc has NO IDEA any of this is even fucking happening

maybe thats when roger starts The Cross

and its all angsty heartbroken shit and Johns like HE’S QUIT THE BAND

and the three of them are like shit

we do not work together without roger

miami ends up being like the weird go between who picks up the kids for their weekends with roger

and they beg miami for information

and miami is like you do not deserve to know how he is

and crystal is like look, i get that you’re supporting my girlfriend but now you’ve hurt my best friend and my boss like…do you understand how your actions have fucked me???

and roger isn’t really? doing well? but he also know he can’t afford to fall apart because if he goes to shit there’s an excuse for him to not be able to see the kids???? and like he doesn’t wanna think they’d do that??? but he only has legal rights to like. three of them.

and the thought of never getting to see all of his kids keeps him up at night and he spends a lot of time drinking

like a lot a lot

and he writes all the kids letters from where he’s holed up working on the cross and he makes it sound like hes! doing! so! well! on! his! own!

the kids get little gifts delivered? like all the time

bc he’s always thinking of them and he has the money to just.. send them trinkets

ugh ok so they’re separated for a while then like. just under a year maybe?

rog moves out of fred’s after two months

when it becomes apparent that uh

this isn’t

he gets his own little shitty house

this might be for Real

and he tries to get one with rooms for each of the kids

and when they come to visit he’s like look here’s something for you and bunkbeds for the twins that aren’t twins and a pool and maybe we can get a dog?

but the kids just want to pile into bed with him

but one of them like is crying? and john’s like whats wrong? and she’s lke do you think papa is lonely in his big house who’s going to cuddle him at night he’s all alone

and johns like……….. fuck

 like not only have we broken the best relationship we’ve ever been in but we have broken our children too

the kids asking roger in the big puppy pile in his bed and he’s like well i cuddle you all SO MUCH while your here that it it keeps me warm even when you go home

that why i hug you all as soon as i see you!!!! i need a top up of your love!!!! gotta keep me toastie warm :)

and freddie is a fucking liar he’s like roger is doing BETTER THAN EVER he is so FUCKING HAPPY NOW and hes like ROGER IS THIRTY FLIRTY AND THRIVING AND YOU GUYS ARE MISSING OUT ON HOW HOT HE LOOKS NOW

like POST BREAK UP HE’S TONED AND FIT AND HE LOOKS AWESOME

flash to roger sitting on the floor of the kitchen in his boxers without a shirt on just sobbing into a pint of rocky road ice cream

roger: vaguely emaciated, surviving on cigarettes and gin and tonics

he hasn’t shaved but the man can’t grow a beard so its jsut ugly patches of hair

but!!! like the other three really only see him when the kids are around and??? yeah??? he looks good!

because no one can KNOW because as far as he’s concerned they didn’t want him

like he’s dressed nicely. he’s lost a bit of weight but well he’s hit his thirties so maybe not the Worst thing even if they did Love His Pudge

and he would never ever ever scare the kids by showing them how he looks

freddie’s like oh yeah roger’s GREAT

SO BRILLIANT

and you can’t tell he doesn’t sleep and has massive bags under his eyes because that is the dawn of the prescription sunglasses

TRIED TO HAVE HIM AROUND FOR SCRABBLE THE OTHER DAY BUT HES JUST GO GO GO THESE DAYS

freddies like you should hear the songs he’s written like that stuff is GOD

(the songs are just him weeping over a guitar track)

cut to the other day: freddie and roger playing scrabble for thirteen hours in between crying jags

the next day: chess, but the pieces are shot glasses

freddie is like in bed next to jim like i dunno how much more alcohol we can drink i’m running out of ways to make him drunk enough to forget

so jim makes him garden with him bc it gets him out of the house so he even gets a TAN but they just drink SO MUCH WHISKEY

 then ronnie and dom and john are like look at him he’s golden tan he looks gorgeous

  but the kids are like DAD HAS A STRAWBERRY PATCH!!!! AND WE PLANTED SUNFLOWERS TOGETHER

 and jim is like he’s only evenly tanned because when he passed out in the garden i rolled him over so his back would get tan too

  and yeah they’re like??????????? he looks so good????

and miami lowkey thinks hes helping but he is NOTbecause every time he sees him he’s like okay we can get you think much from your combined fortunes and the beach house and i can make it so you have custody of your legal kidsroger: they’re ALL MY KIDS MIAMI

but rogers mainly like i’m not gonna separate any of the kids that’s????? no. like. they belong as a family

 even if i’m not……. part of that family….. any more…….

 roger is like look i just want to be able to see them. i won’t take them form their parents and miami is like roger..you’re their parent too

 and roger is like no i’m just like, their uncle now?

 like i’m not in that family they made i clear that i am not allowed

A N Y W A Y S

 ronnie is the one who sorta caves first

 she’s lke look we started this and i kinda pushed for us to end it so i’m gonna fix it

 john wont bc of the band dynamics, dom is top aware that it could splinter the group back into two couples, ronnie is really the only one who can

 yeah and ronnie sorta. just shows up at his house in the middle of the night

 and like (luckily for him) he’s just got in from a thing for the cross

 so he Doesn’t look fucking awful

 but he’s also fucking exhausted so he opens the door and is like FUCK are the kids okay!!! shit!!!! dom??? john???

 and ronnie’s like everyone’s fine i just. i missed you?

 and roger’s like. he’s so tired he’s just like ronnie….. i can’t do this right now. you can’t. you can’t just show up here

 that’s not fair.

 and ronnie’s like…. well. she wasn’t sure how she was really expecting it to go because. yeah. they’re literally not been within about 50m from one another in fucking months

 but she was. hoping at least for an “i miss you too”

 but roger’s like. it’s really late, i’m… gonna go to bed. i really, really cannot do this right now. i’ll see the kids on friday.

 and so ronnie goes home and bawls her eyes out to john and dom who are…. also kinda shook?

 like. they were NOT expecting roger to turn her away like that, that’s… yeah. but like roger has been mostly by himself this whole time. like they’ve had one another but he’s. just been sorta trying to learn to keep his head above water by himself again and. it was actually a dick move showing up there unannounced. like, they basically left him with little to no warning they can’t just try and walk back in the door y’know?????

 and anyway on friday miami comes to pick up the kids and ronnie is like uhhh i’m coming with

 and miami is like uh. disrespectfully speaking? you fucking are not

 and she’s like oh :) ur not taking my kids then

 which. is just. another bad move? tbh

 miami is like. right. fine. can i use ur phone to call the other father of ur children to tell him that one of their mothers won’t let him see them

 and ronnie is like go right a fuckin head

 and dom and john are sorta there like ronnie ronnie wtf are u doing ronnie

 but ronnie’s like nah i’m calling his (miami’s) bluff

 and dom is like no, uh, roger can have the kids

 but. miami calls

 and ronnie is like not mine he can’t its all or nothing

 he’s stood there in their parlour

 and like obviously they can only hear his side of the conversation

 dead eyeing ronnie like i fucking hold this band together out of sheer will

 i can outlast you no matter what

 Miami: Hi Rog, Miami. Yeah, yeah, the kids are fine. I’m at your old place right now, actually. No, yeah. No. Well, actually, Rog. Veronica says you can’t have the kids this week. No, she didn’t say anything to me about it before. No, no. I’m sorry, Rog. I know, I’m so sorry. She hasn’t said anything about next week yet. Yeah. Yeah. It’s alright, it’ll be alright. We’ll work something out. I’ll come right around, okay? Alright. Okay. I’ll let them know. Yeah, I promise. Just like you said. Won’t change a word. See you in a bit.

 and ronnie is like what did he want you to say to us?!!!!

 and miami just straight up blanks her and dom and john

 and walks into the living room where the kids are, all ready to go

 and is like hey rugrats!

 (which is totes rogers nickname for them)

 and they’re all like!!!! uncle miami!!!!! are we going to see papa now???

 Veronica is like ho don’t you fucking say it

 and he’s like i’m really sorry guys (and ronnie goes to interrupt but he stops her) but daddy has the flu

 and the kids are like!!!! oh no!!!!

 and he’s like so you can’t go see him this week :( he’s really really upset about it, and he HOPES he’ll be better next week because he misses all his little nuggets so much

 and the eldest is like???? but!!!! our hugs keep daddy warm!!! if he’s sick he needs to be warm he can’t be cold!!! who’s going to recharge his cuddles???

 and miami is like well he said if you all hug each other reaaaaally right he can feel it! so long as you all keep giving each other lots of hugs he’ll keep tight and cosy

 and he goes to leave and is like to the three of them like…. i cannot believe that you are actually doing this. i didn’t know you could be so cruel

 and off he trots

 and ronnie is like. fuck

 fuck

 FUCK

 and the other three would be like ronnie what…what the fuck was that???

they end up having…. a huge fight over it

 like giant

 like “hi chrissie can you take the kids for a couple of days” fight

 and chrissie is like uh…. i can take a few? but crystal is.     away

 work emergency

 and johns like????? queens on a break????????????

 and dom’s like???? ROGER, JOHN. ROGER IS THE EMERGENCY

so they’re like trying to find babysitters so they can fight it out but also maybe go to roger??? 

 because the work emergency is code for roger is trying to destroy himself via alcohol poisoning

 like miami knows the second he hung up that roger as going to just drown himself in whisky

 so he used a payphone to call freddie and crystal

 and is like i don’t care what you have to do or how you do it but you need to be at roger’s yesterday

 but brian isn’t looking after their fucking kids

freddie isn’t home

 and jim has heard what they did

 and hes like that was fucking cruel

 crystal isn’t home

 miami is gone

 fucking RATTY doesn’t pick up

 phoebe straight up was like freddie told me if i watched hte kids he’d kill me

 he was like i am not even allowed to be speaking with you thank you and goodnight

so they call mary and they’re like please mary

and mary is like as far as i’m concerned if you’re that worried about roger watching his own fucking children i do not know why you would call me as the better option

like fuck you you think roger can’t be with his kids and now you want to DUMP THEM ON ME??? “and anyway, i’m just stopping at home for the booze i have here. we’ve all been banned from the liquor stores with in a ten mile radius of…… a place.”

 eventually they manage to scrounge enough family members on john and ronnie’s respective sides

 but it. genuinely takes like over a day

 everyone is either straight up just not answering or, if they are at home, not willing to step in

[meanwhile miami is on the fucking warpath he is like you wanna play chicken? i’ll roast you for dinner VERONICA he’s writing up a custody agreement so tight it will tie them up in court for years like he sits down at roger’s kitchen table while roger is profusely vomiting up all the alcohol he had and then some and he’s like they’re gonna fucking pay

he’s getting the kids and the houses and over half the money and the royalties and here is a list of available bass players because HE GETS THE BAND TOO]

 but yeah john ronnie and dom end up having a giant, fuck off, end all fight

and dom is like. u realise we just took his fucking kids away right

 and johns like for fuck sake chrissie is FINE do you really think she wanted me to tank my career and for all of us to blow up our entire family because of her????

 but the problem is. it’s BIGGER than the chrissie thing now

 johns like she knew what she was getting into and she knew he was a cheater when they were fuckign dating

but really it was like, six different fights that all boiled over in the name of Chrissie’s Honor and then

the biggest thing is that like, 

 when they were in bali

 they did fully think roger would come

 and but then he didnt and the spent 3 weeks getting angrier and angrier at the situation and him and brian and it spiraled into this black ugly mess of shit

 and they didn’t realize how vital roger was to keeping them together like he’s the fun dad so the kids have been acting out more becasue he’s not there to get them to blow off steam

(plus like, the kids just lost their dad??? like he doesn’t live there anymore he’s at a different house and that is big)

 and he’s the peace keeper (surprising despite his tempter but everyone else like stews he’s the only one who’s like lets talk it out)

 and he makes them all coffee in the morning so they’re all vaguely caffeine deprived

 and now ronnie has fucked it all TWICE first by showing up and then by TAKING HIS KIDS and dom was like when we had baby#2 and it was clearly rogers we promised him we SWORE that he would never ever ever take them away from him

 like we said that as long as he was their papa that was IT he was their father and we would never ever take that from him

 and ronnie’s like i didn’t MEAN IT he should KNOW I WOULD NEVER MEAN THAT

 and johns like. ok. but uh. how would he know

 bc

 i mean. we sorta

 did take his kids away from him

 when we went to bali

 when we went to bali for a month

 and again

 and then

 now

 five days of the week

 and now?

 i mean

 we have been… slowly taking the kids away from him

 three weeks ago we made him give them back a day early so that we could do to the beach

 bc we could only do it…. as a family…. on the weekend

 and then two of the little ones (one of which is his) was sick and we kept them home

 because. him seeing his kids is inconvenient to us

 and we had them on the actual day of his birthday

which you know is his favorite day of the year because the kids make him breakfast in bed and wake him up singing happy birthday

 so. us just pulling the plug isn’t… really all that unrealistic is it?

 and dom and ronnie sort of get defensive and backing each other up

dom is like no!! we have NOT!!

and ronnie like how dare you

 and johns like. ok. but see this is the problem

 this was the problem in bali too

 like its us vs. him

 we all get caught up in defending ourselves

 when he’s NOT HERE TO DEFEND HIMSELF

 that everything we do seems right

 and he should… just be grateful?

 to have us?

 to see the kids?

 and that we have proven that if he doesn’t agree with us he doesn’t haveus?

 like originally it was just sex yeah

 but then it was clear that you wouldnt budge

 and neither would he and why should he have brian has been there for him longer than he’s even known me

 like brian is terrible for cheating but he’s roger’s brother and we literally made him choose his family and when he wouldn’t

 we chose for him

 and, as we’ve established, chrissie is FINE

 and a grown woman

 and roger knew that better than any of us because crystal was filling him in on EVERYTHING

 she probably didn’t fucking need the two of you, and then me, ripping apart our family, the band, and the various social circles we run in

 or even WANT us to do that

 and dom’s like……. i really miss him

 i’ve been trying really hard not to

 bc it’s easier to be angry

 and i didn’t want it to seem like i love him more than you guys

 because i know it can be hard sometimes like not falling into those couple-y behaviours

 and i didn’t want to do that

 but i really really miss him

 but like, roger is my first

 he is my first real love and i love you both so much but he’s my roger

and. it’s been really hard watching [youngest] hit milestones and rogers not here to see them

 (and they tried to be nice and send videos and pictures but its not the same!!

so they just stopped telling him hoping that the kid would do it there and roger would think it was the first time

but that just made roger feel like they didn’t care enough about him

to be like oh hey your kid’s walking sucks that you had to learn form the older kid insead of the other parents)

 and dom’s like. and it’s made worse because. he wouldn’t have let this happen if it was one of us

 and john is like. uh

 and ronnie’s like fuck. no. ur right. he wouldn’t have

 dom’s like. right back at the beginning he was always saying that he’d make sure we were all involved in the kids lives no matter what that this wouldn’t happen he wouldn’t let it

 and we did it to him

 and ronnie is like. how the fuck do we fix this

 bc shit like that. like their youngest hitting milestones???? like that feels like something they stole from him bc they can’t give that back

 for like the first time john actually cries

 and is like what have we done

 and yeah. the fight just sorta ends with all three of them in tears and just. sort of silent

 because maybe that was the biggest issue

 because. what the fuck

 because chrissie was pregnant and maybe dom was pregnant and they were like imagine this was us

 and we got cheated on

 and so when the whole Bali Thing happens the kid is like maybe 6 months?

 so roger genuinely misses over half of this kids life

and kidlet just. doesn’t have the same bond with him???

 because there’s so little you can be there for when you get every weekend 

 and roger knows

 but the other three don’t because they haven’t seen him with the kids?

 but the kid just cries the whole weekend and wants his “daddy”

 kidlet isn’t really comfy around roger and neither, really, is their second youngest who is withdrawing

 and roger is just like???? these are my KIDS

 and the second youngest is roger’s

 and i’m a STRANGER to them

 and he tries so hard! but the other problem is like, we have so many kids

 and i am one person

 like he is stretched so thin

so he can only do so much like if hte baby is crying he has to take care of the baby sorry oldest ones i can’t go play outside with you

and the three of them just realize, like, what have we done???

cut to roger’s house he’s just lying on the floor not even crying just laying there his bedroom is ruined because he hung up with miami and just trashed it

and is laying on his floor like i want to die here

john calls while the Roger Stomach Pumping Emergency Squad are on day three of their duties

 and crystal picks up which is. it’s not the BEST he could have hoped for, which would have been freddie, but it’s the second best bc crystal still nominally works for him

 (crystal is like i’m gonna fucking quit like i will take the cross to the NEXT LEVEL even if i have to KILL JOHN TO DO IT)

 and johns like ok this is. i’m just calling to say that i’m going to come around tomorrow? i’ll be there are 12. i’m not asking for permission, but i’m just calling to give you a heads up. to give roger a heads up

 and so. they uh. sober roger up. do their best to make him somewhat presentable? (does not work. he refuses to shave or shower or get changed out of his Depression Pajamas. he swills some mouthwash, they call it a win)

(depression pajamas are john’s pants and the joke shirt ronnie and dom bought him for his birthday years ago thats like save a drum bang a drummer)

 and then. they go upstairs, just leaving miami downstairs except he’s Not Allowed To Talk

 he is there, strictly, as roger’s legal representation

 miami just holds all the papers for legal divorce and separation the papers that are going to FUCK THEM UP if roger says so

 and john shows up and he’s like. oh. um. this isn’t. this isn’t really a legal talk?????? and miami is like yes well y’all do have a history of Technical Kidnapping so

 can’t be too careful 🙃

 and roger just. doesn’t give a shit

 he’s like miami can you shut the fuck up

 like what the fuck do you think johns going to do that’s worse than break up with me and refuse to let me see my kids?

 what, have you all gangbanged my mum too? just for a giggle?

 and john is like. uh. no. winnie is. un-gangbanged. as far as i know.

 and rog is like well there you go, everything appears to be Just As Shit as it was yesterday and no worse

 and johns like look. i just. ronnie honestly didn’t mean that you couldn’t see the kids, not at all. she just. she just wanted to see you and the kids were… leverage? sort of? which sounds awful

 and roger is like. yeah. that sounds pretty fucking awful, actually

 and he’s like where’s my alcohol and miami is like as your legal representative and your medical emergency contact i must advise you not to drink anymore as i do not believe your liver will survive

 (miami [visibly jots down john calling the children leverage])

 but yeah rogers like. well. here i fucking am.

 and johns like. this is all. it’s all fucked up. we love you? we never stopped loving you? this has all spiralled way out of control. the girls were just mad about chrissie and

 and roger is like?? do u think i give a FUCK about chrissie???? none of this was EVER about chrissie on my side. this was about the three of you deciding that our relationship with acceptable fucking collateral for you to throw about to win arguments and get me to do what you wanted

 [miami in the corner scribbling it all down]

 that’s now how relationships fucking work, john. and i never thought you’d take my children away from me for it.

 and johns like. i know. i’m sorry, we’re sorry. it honestly just grew out of control. when we were in bali we thought you would come and then it would have been fine, but you didn’t and we got angry and

 and rogers like?!! i didn’t do what u wanted so you ran away with my children for a month

 i couldn’t have come even if i WANTED to

 “gone to bali” is not a fucking address, john

 (and the thing is when they wrote that? it was tongue in cheek. it was a “come find us”. but, well. that didn’t work out as intended, did it?)

 like they thought of course roger would like, call miami to find them or hell ratty or something like they all have the same credit cards they could figure it out…right?

 and johns like. i’m sorry. can you. would you be…. interested? in talking to all three of us? we love you, and we miss you. we want to try and save this

 and roger is like i dont know

 i don’t know if it can be saved

 and well. that’s enough to get a foot in the door because.    his kids. roger would grin and bear his way thru 16 and a half years of painful awkwardness on his part of it means he gets to be with his kids as they grow

 but he’s not saying yes

 he’s saying he’ll talk to all three of them together

 but miami will be there

 and miami is like 💅

 and so they set a date for the next monday

 and this time roger is wearing like. a fucking suit, he’s all scrubbed up

 and they’re like???????? what the fuck

 (john totally went home and told the other three how terrible he looked)

 but this time like. it’s…. it’s make or fucking break like if they walk out of this and he can’t see it being salvaged then… that’s it

 he’ll be giving them the (kindest) separation and custody agreement’s that miami has drawn up

 miami has like three all drawn up and ready depending on how it goes

 one is niceish one is harsher and the last is scourged earth

 nice: they get half his assets, he gets friday evening-sunday afternoon and ¾ of all school holidays

harsh: ¼ assets (minus property and future royalty income from existing tracks), friday afternoon school pick up- sunday evening, and all school holidays apart from three days beginning and end, weekends, and potentially visitation right son Public Holidays (such as christmas day)

scourged earth: ½ present cash assets (nothing else), friday afternoon pick up - Tuesday morning drop off, all school holidays minus weekends (excepting public holidays. so if xmas day falls on a sunday? too fucking bad)

 miami is like i will wipe the board with you if he asks and i will not hesitate

 and he WILL be going to court to attempt to win rights to have ALL of the children involved in those custody agreements (miami thinks they have a case given how many interviews they’ve given over the years referencing how the children view each other as brother and sister)

 plus there’s like squatter’s/commonlaw rights

 yeah basically miami is. uh ready to destroy

 like roger is the common law parent because he has lived with these kids in that house for 7 years

 roger’s one request was just can i have enough to buy a house big enough for all the kids to come visit and can i just see them? like even if its once a month i just want to see them

 miami is like i gotchu fam you’re my favorite tell the others

 BUT YES SO roger is like i’m really just here to see if there’s anything to salvage.

 and like

 dom immediately bursts into tears

 she hasnt seen him in person since he LEFT

 and because??? how could there not be??????????

 dom is willing to give ANYTHING to fix it

 and ronnie is like. horrified. she keeps going to reach across the table to hold his hand before catching herself

 and she starts. she apologised for what happened the other day, for crossing that line

 and rogers like… it’s been coming for a while now

 because he always knew one day the kids would stop coming

 like either they wouldn’t let him see them

 or the kids wouldn’t want to come see the guy who was once their dad but now just has his own home

 like the two youngest already don’t want him

 so it makes sense

 yeah.

 and dom’s like… do you still love us?

 because i still love you

 and rogers like. i. i could never stop loving any of you???? but i also cant ever forget the past year and the things that have happened either

 That’s what makes it hurt the most is like I still love you?? I will always love you you’re the mothers of my children and John you’re their father like you’re raising my kids

 and johns like well. love is a start, yes?

 and roger’s like. yes. but i love my kids more, and. i spent the last year hoping we were just… going to work it out. that this was going to stop, but it hasn’t. it’s got worse. and i suppose it’s a good thing that you did what you did last week because instead of the kids being slowly taken away from me and me having to accept it over time, it happened all at once and i can’t take that. i Won’t take that again. and so now i know that if this isn’t going to work out that i am Going to have a relationship with my kids, if i have to fight you all in the courts for it

 and ronnie’s like we’re not? we’re not going to fight you

 and miami that sneaky bastard pulls out the SCORCHED EARTH custody agreement and is like so you’ll sign this?

 and dom’s like what the fuck is it?????? and he’s like custody agreement. in the event of your separation from roger, dominique, and/or his departure from the home you share with john and veronica he would be entitled, by contract, to have the children (ALL OF THEM, those children being those who were born between 1974 and 1983) from friday school pick up to tuesday morning school drop off, and the entirety of school holidays apart from weekends.

 and johns like fuck. that’s. a lot of time

 and roger is like? i haven’t had all of the children together in over a month

 and ronnie is like fuck. you haven’t, have you? there’s been….

 and miami picks up another piece of paper and starts listing off reasons

 Because he’s been picking them up and dropping them off and every single time one of them isn’t there he writes it down

 dentist appointment, flu, stomach bug, school trip, trip to the beach “as a family”

 They watch a roger visibly flinches at the “as a family” comment

 and dom just signs it. plucks it right out of johns hand who is trying to read it (or the first page) and flips to her page and signs

 and johns like fuck!! dom!!!

 and she’s like. roger wouldn’t ask us to sign anything that would be detrimental to the kids OR to us

 we used to fucking know that, john

 She’s like Roger is their father first and foremost and he has the right to as much time as he wants from them. If they miss us I will PERSONALLY but them their own phone line to call us but he gets as much time as he wants with them

 and like. john and ronnie aren’t going to sign, not without their lawyer there to check it out, but. that sign from dom? is enough to get roger to agree to try

 to agree that maybe there’s something to salvage there

 Even if it’s just with dom

 Because she was like I have faith in this man and I do not plan on ever losing him again so I’ll sign anything because it’ll never come down to it

 Yeah because. well. he can live with that if it means he gets his kids

 he can live with knowing that he’s not wholly Wanted in this relationship

 if he’s… wanted a little bit and he gets to watch his kids grow up every day

 it’s 16 and a half years

 that’s doable

 He will do what he needs to for his kids

 he loves those rugrats so fucking much

 he stays at home SO MUCH for the next like. year. bc he is BUILDING that relationship with the youngest two

 Like the rest of the break? Is because roger will not leave the house

 He is like nope not working I’m with the nuggets

 And Freddie is like bring them to the studio just come

 Like it’s just him with the kiddos

 Writing and trying to get his babies to love him again

 And he’s like I’m never leaving you ever again

 That first tour? Is ROUGH

 like it is hard for roger to leave and he almost is like I can’t do it I can’t leave them what if they forget me again??

 Which just adds to the angst because they did that to him

they made him doubt that his kids really love him

so then like, fast forward six-eight months???

oh my god even when they get back together? and get comfy with one another to start having sex again (which takes A WHILE) roger is suddenly. really adamant about using condoms

ugh he’d be sneaky about the condom thing at first too. like. he distracts them? clever fingers, clever mouth, encouraging them to help each otherlike it takes. a Distressing amount of time before finally dom is like I Want You To Fuck Meand that’s when That Whole Thing goes down 

she’s like c'mon like how we used to

and roger is like uhhhhh i can’t do that

because you might get uh, pregnant

and the other three can’t think of anything better like yes this will reunite us

an roger can’t think of anything worse because the thought of losing another baby?? he wouldn’t, uh, he wouldn’t survive that

and they’re like????? look if u slept with someone else like. ok that…. hurts. but. get tested and if ur clean it’s fine

and rogers like. no

that’s not the problem

dom has straight up a breakdown about it when she realises what the issue is

because roger is GOOD with kids

roger LOVES babies

but he’s like i do not want to have babies with you because i cannot guarantee that you won’t take the baby from me again

and roger is just sitting here uncomfortable

while dom weeps and john and ronnie are like what the uck is going on

but. he’s not. he’s not comfortable? this doesn’t feel like a family he’s 

building for keeps anymore

not really

it feels like something that can, might, will be taken away

he’s like look we can call it what we want but i get it i’m here for sex

and that’s great!! i love sex!! but i’m not going ot risk it

and the baby starts crying and roger sorta. automatically goes to get up before being like. oh. uh. it’s probably better if one of you goes. she. she’s not comfortable around me, she won’t settle if i go in

its not fair to the kids (because that’s who he’s really messed up over)

like they were so upset and it’s not fair to have them have to like, be separated form their homes and from their parents

roger is just so natural around the kids?

like u honestly wouldn’t even notice that he’d been gone

he slips right back in

he’s a bit distant for a few days, learning the new routines, new schedules, new favourites, new dislikes

but once he’s got it? he’s back in there

but just. flinching away from the casual touches that pass between the four of them

 so later dom fucks john and forgets a condom and has a pregnancy scare

 and roger is like. weirdly……. fine

 and dom is like??????? what the hell ur ok with this??? if i am pregnant?

 and roger is like…… i haven’t decided yet

 and dom’s like wtf do u mean? and he’s like. it would be a dick move of me to just leave ig. so perhaps we could separate but i’d stay living here in a separate room from the three of you?

 and ronnie is like? those are the only two options for you

 we’ve been back together for like eight months

 and rogers like? and we were separated for over a year

i’m still not sure if this is real

AND THEN

freddie calls john one night like. a month or so after the condom revelation (which they’ve all been. sorta sadly going along with? like it ruins the mood a little bit each time bc it’s a reminder that something’s a little bit broken here), and is like. look. i. i really shouldn’t be telling you this? but i think he’ll end up regretting it because i. god knows WHY but i have faith that you guys are all gonna pull thru this. but rog’s munich trip next week for the cross? yeah he’s booked in for a vasectomy.like he wouldn’t say anything because he doesn’t want them to make it a Big Deal

 and they’re SO UPSET but they’re like we can’t tell him not to because…if he wants to, he wants to

So when he comes back from munich 

 they think he had a vasectomy

 John is like how does one check for that?? Does his penis look different???

 Does his sperm taste different?? How would we know???

but one night he just goes to ronnie Just bends her right over and is like let’s do this and it’s the hottest sex they’ve had

 like they have INSANELY HOT SEX and they’re all. laying there. happy and sated. rog is curled up in the middle super asleep and the three of them are just all wide awake staring at the ceiling like huh. what feels weird

and then they realize and they’re like he didn’t use a condom so that means…..

:(

 and then they just PANIC

 Like ROGER

 ROGER YOUR CONDOM

 and he’s like oh my godddd shut up i’ve gotta be up for swimming lessons in like. five hours oh my god

 and ronnie is like maybe he did maybe he didn’t but like YES YOUR SWIMMERS ARE THE ISSUE RIGHT NOW

 THEY MIGHT BE SWIMMING

 IN ME

 ROGER

 and roger is like is…that a problem??? 

 and like they’re panicked bc!!!! he REALLY didn’t want any more kids!!!! they don’t wanna fuck with that they’re finally in a good place again!!!!!

and roger is like, sorry, guess i should have talked to you guys about having another kid???

 but ye he’s. secure again. and their youngest is like. older now. he misses babies. and also miami still got all the old paperwork

and they’re like wait….so you didn’t get the vasectomy??? 

and roger is like lol no

so like, oops, ronnie, you uh, might be uh…pregnant

and they all just sort of fall on top of him because while they’re still not perfect

it’s a start

they have like, five more kids afterwards

also

 veronica, the trooper, still having fucking babies into the mid 90s

 god bless her

 Veronica’s uterus is the real MVP

[enzelffxiv]

trial n origin!

ORIGIN: If your character is formally a Scion of the Seventh Dawn, how did they join the organization? If they aren’t a Scion, do they know of the Scions?

-WoL Imry technically started in Ul'dah, but with some variation. When she set off to become an adventurer at 17, she got off her parents’ ship at Vesper Bay and pretty much walked all the way to the city, doing some odd jobs on the way. (It was Akiv'a, my partner’s character, who ended up on the same carriage with the twins instead.) Joined the adventurers’ guild, etc.

However, at some point before the whole stolen crown business she took a quest that sent her to Vylbrand and met Akiv'a there. Whether it was fate or other machinations that the two of them both had the Echo–either way they ended up confronting the Ascian mage/golem together. They then split up and she returned to Uldah, finished the intro storyline, was recruited by Thancred (and Akiv'a by Y'shtola).

-the timeline splits here depending on whether she or someone else goes on to become the WoL. If she remains a regular Scion, she doesn’t get sent to Ifrit etc. Ends up nearly dying during the Waking Sands massacre. (That’s another story.)

-otherwise, if she doesn’t have the Echo she just keeps on helping out the Adventurers’ Guild. This is the timeline I’ve fleshed out the least since i wanted to keep it open-ended in the event i ever get the time or courage to actually rp with other people :p

And that segues into: (Spoilers thru Stormblood MSQ ahead)

TRIAL: Are there any duty instances that had a particular impact on your character (primal fights, dungeons, raids, etc.)?

-Imry & Akiv'a got sent on the mission that ended up in them confronting Ifrit together. The two of them still didn’t know each other too well, what with Akiv'a taking a while to warm up to people in general. However, when things went wrong and primals got summoned…

Ifrit’s flames triggered Akiv'a’s Calamity-induced PTSD, and he froze on the spot and dissociated badly. Imry managed to fight Ifrit alone with a spear she grabbed off an Amalj'aa, her protective instincts unconsciously drawing from her Crystal of Light and giving her strength she wouldn’t usually have. 

That fight is also where she got the scar on her left cheek. (As well as some others on her shoulders and various other places, but the face scar is the most visible given that she tends to wear full armor.)

She insisted on carrying a barely-responsive Akiv'a back to Drybone and refused to leave his side until he was able to function on his own again. Their relationship was still a bit awkward, but that was definitely the turning point where they started to grow closer. 

Interestingly, Akiv'a was able to confront some of his trauma in gaining his Ifrit egi on his own, and in some ways that summon has become his favourite. He keeps Ifrit out even when not in battle much of the time, and Imry…talks to it like they’re buddies. They’re both weirdos.

-at the end of Castrum Abania, in addition to injuring Alisaie, Fordola managed to give Imry a nasty concussion before fleeing, putting her out of commission for a time. Even with some excellent healers she was unable to help with the confrontation in the lab.

 Used to being able to charge back in to battle after a few days of bedrest, she got extremely restless and ended up arguing with Akiv'a about going with him to fight Zenos. He, of course, was less than happy about the idea of losing another friend after everyone they’d already lost, and was shaken from seeing her so badly hurt. They eventually compromised by having Keten come along to watch her back, essentially. (I think we’re still working out the details of how that fight went because Zenos is way more interested in Akiv'a than her.)

-speaking of Zenos: the duties where he kicks your ass were extremely demoralizing for her. Imry takes her tank role pretty seriously, hence *gestures at entire DRK storyline and how Keten is a manifestation of her regret over being unable to protect her friends at the end of ARR*. Imry also doesn’t have a soul crystal of her own, which means despite her Crystal of Light she’s disadvantaged in that way. She joined the gladiator’s guild for a time and got some training from other various sources, but never did the Paladin quests, and eventually gave the DRK soul crystal to Keten so they could be independent. She has some natural conjury ability that’s boosted by her Echo & has used it to improvise her own techniques (various implementations of aether shields, using wind magic to toss her physical shield around Capt. America style…) but she doesn’t follow a formal discipline of any kind.

In contrast, while Akiv'a is less than half her size, he’s kind of a powerhouse; some of this is because he pushes himself way too hard and uses his aether recklessly, and has the tendency to go a bit berserk when angry. (being able to channel the elder primal who killed half his family and use it to wreak havoc on his enemies does interesting things to the psyche.) It’s very unhealthy but regardless, Imry compares herself to him without meaning to. Since HW she’s gotten better at adjusting and accepting failure, but she still struggles with it. And of course, Zenos is *meant* to knock the WoL down a few pegs…

That’s why finally beating him is something she’s so fixated on, especially because he represents the antithesis of all her personal ideals. She cannot understand him no matter how much she tries, the same reason he finds her completely boring. Subconsciously his fixation on Akiv'a, her best friend, and the fact that it seems to be reciprocated somewhat, is highly distressing to her.

In the end his defeat is highly unsatisfying and leaves her feeling more uncertain than ever. I’m quite interested in what SHB has to offer in that regard.

There’s a lot of context surrounding her state of mind; to be blunt, i write Imry using a lot of my own experiences growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, excelling in some areas and struggling badly in others, and the weight of people’s expectations. She’s young and impulsive and is used to getting by on her instincts and physical prowess, but devalues her own intelligence because she never had the patience for traditional book learning. Mid-SB is where she starts to progress in maturity and emotional regulation, and seeks out learning to balance her weaknesses, spurred on by defeat.

-On a lighter note…she got really fucking excited about the whole Four Lords thing. She loves fighting but she doesn’t like *hurting* people, which is a bit contradictory. But the concept of “hey fighting these guys will *help* them” was…right up her alley.

-she met her girlfriend, a sky pirate, during the Void Ark saga. :p

[artificialqueens]

Objects in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear (Craquameron) - Chapter 1 - Saiphl

Here’s the new chapter for this story, I know it took ages, but I’m doing my best to bring you regular updates.

Please let me know what you think of this to work in making it better.

My most sincere thank you to Hadley, who helped a lot with my messy grammar.

There’s something shattered when there’s something breaking thru - Chapter One

Aquaria’s PoV.

There are no limits or no fences,

there is always some way round

After breakfast, Nebraska and I go to our favorite spot in all the house: the porch. We sit there like the old times, when she was amazed by all the new things she found in her first school day and me, as her big sister, listened stoically while doing my doll’s hair. Right now she speaks about this guy she met back in Amsterdam, the one who made me come back home, ‘cause that faceless stranger is taking our precious little gem in a new adventure called marriage. He’s arriving in the following days and even though I’m still doubtful, I can’t deny that he knows how to make my baby sister smile.

While absorbing all the magic and wonders that this Sjoerd guy (is that an actual name?), means in my sister’s eyes, I give a side look to the house in front of ours. A very old version of Shane Cracker emerges from the door, as tall as I remember him, older than I figured; his dreadlocks are messily tied on the back of his head, the greying of his hair a painful reminder of the time I’ve been away. He yells to the ladies inside the house and I can’t help myself from smiling. Everyone in that house is so loud and it seems that will never change. Nebraska keeps talking, and I’m about to reply when I see Bob stepping to the car and then Brianna, with her blonde hair in a bun and what I can call the worst outfit I’ve seen in years.

The car pulls out of the driveway. For a second, Brianna and I lock stares, just before the car goes at the highest speed allowed in the neighborhood. By this point, Nebraska noticed my silence and turns her back to see what I’m watching. “I bet Monique is in labor… I saw her a week ago and girl… she was big, like real big.”

I look at her, nodding, then I lower my now cold coffee. And that’s it, life goes on and it never stops. Now my little sister is getting married and Monique, Brianna’s sweetest sister, is about to give birth. So here I am, a twenty six year old that still cannot leave the past behind and still feels a hard sting on my chest when I think of Brianna.

Everything is permitted,

there is nothing out of bounds

Nebraska seems to see right through me and holds my hand. She knows how hard it was, that break up, and how heartbroken I was when I left. The truth is that I actively contributed to the mess that came at the time. Brianna had gotten a full scholarship in San Diego, and I was going to go to New York, pursuing my haute couture dreams. We had been young and brave, with all the world at our feet, and I thought it had been selfish of her to not come with me. Then there had been this new girl in town, who had pursued exactly the same aspirations. I had thought it’d be harmless until she kissed me at the Starbucks table, at the very same second when Brianna came in, and then…it all went down.

“Aqua, I know what you feel, but come on, it’s been ten years now. Don’t you think it’s time to move forward? I mean, I know how much she means to you, but you can’t get stuck on it forever”. Nebraska squeezes my hand and I realize the tears falling down my face. I shake my head.

“B, you know I’ve tried, but nothing seems to fit together with anyone else… I just wish I could feel less hurt and angry about all of these.” I sigh and proceed to clear the tears with the back of my hand. “Let’s get Mom out of the grave, I really need one of her bear hugs right now.” I smile weakly and jump off the rocking chair to land on my feet and help Nebraska up.

We go to straight to our mothers’ bedroom. We hear that Momma is taking a shower, and Mom is still snugged in her bed. Just like when we were kids, we climb to the bed and we both cuddle her either side. Sooner than we expected, Mom grunts and with her eyes still closed says, “Who let two critters crawl into my bed?” She tries to tickle us and everything becomes a shrieking, giggling mess. When she’s finally awake, she hugs me real hard, like she does every time we meet and ever since I left Cheyenne a long time ago.

If everything is permitted,

if nothing ever is taboo

Later that afternoon, the four of us are sitting in our backyard. For the hundredth time, Mom and Nebraska are checking the schedule for the following three days, and Momma looks at me. The sweet smile she gives me cracks my facade. I hug her silently and she whispers something I can barely understand. Alaska Needles is one of those very perceptive creatures that rarely misses a detail and knowing me like the palm of her hand, knows that something’s going wrong.

“Talk to me Aquaria, what’s hurting you?” she says in her lowest voice, making sure that Mom and Nebraska doesn’t notice our little talk. “I know how hard coming back home is to you, but I don’t think that’s what’s actually bothering you my child”.

I sigh and look at her baby blue eyes. I don’t even know where to start without making a fool of myself. “It’s just… all of this is too much, mommy. I thought I was ready to come back, and then, the weight of ten years and the wrong choices I made is too heavy to handle,” I say barely recognizing my voice.

Momma cups my cheek and kisses the tip of my nose. “So, it’s Brianna again, isn’t it?” She knows me very well, so she doesn’t seem surprised when I nod. “Have you tried to contact her? Like, actually talk to her?” Before I could answer she says, “What you had was special, and there’s a lot of people out there that never find that kind of magic. I was so lucky to find it with Sharon, and the least I wish is that both my daughters find the same for them, but you know well baby, sitting in the backyard with us will not help to make it better.”

“She just averted the eye contact when I saw her in the morning…” I say, fighting back the tears in my eyes. “She looked surprised at first, then her eyes hardened and I’m not sure if I can handle her rejecting me. I just miss her so much, Mommy.” She hugs me tightly and I can feel that she’s heartbroken. She always is when we are in any kind of pain.

“You two are getting too handsy. Ladies, if you’re going to hug, better hug us too,” Mom says, approaching us and including herself in our hug. Shortly, Nebraska is surrounding the three of us with her slender arms. For the first time in ten years, I feel safe and let myself cry.

And we just never had no heroes

And all our enemies will soon be stone cold dead

Our evening went on. Shopping, Nebraska’s bridal gown fitting, and another fresh brewed trento in my hand. My soon to be brother-in-law will arrive tomorrow and we have to be up early, so we go back home to share some Chinese take out. The average, familiar dynamic makes me feel at ease, like nothing ever changed.

Being back in my childhood bedroom is a full experience. Mom kept almost everything on its place, even the plastic glowing stars I added to my headboard when I got to middle school. The old red striped duvet smells like fabric softener and for some reason I feel compelled to wear pajamas instead of my usual underwear to sleep. I’m brushing my hair in front of the window when I see lights in Brianna’s house. Faint sounds of violin notes can be heard and I can’t help but smile.

The door opens and Brianna comes out, letting the little dog out in the front garden. She looks exhausted but happy. She sits on the steps of the door, watching the dog come and go on the grass. She looks beautiful. Now the messy bun is gone, and her long wavy hair falls over her shoulders. The Vans have been replaced by sleepers, and as much as she hates not wearing makeup, I bet she has never looked as beautiful as she looks right now.

Before I can even think about it, I’m walking downstairs. I can hear Mom laughing at something they’re watching on TV. I sneak out of the house to find Brianna chasing the dog. The coldness on my feet make me notice I’m barefoot, and I feel stupid enough to just turn around and go back, but a voice I haven’t heard in years makes me stop on my tracks “Aquaria?”

To listen my name on her voice makes me shiver. She’s holding the little dog and walking warily toward me. I take a few more steps and we meet on the sidewalk. We look at each other for a couple of seconds, I swallow and she sizes me up, as though she’s pondering the potential risks of talking to me. “So I was right this morning. You’re back.” I nod, still unable to speak. “It’s been a while since the last time, hasn’t it?” she asks and I can clearly hear a fading note of resentment in her voice.

“I… I’ve missed you.” she looks at me in disbelief and before she can start talking again, I put a finger on her lips. “I’m sorry Bri, for everything. I don’t know when I began to stop listening to you and even worse, I don’t know when I began to lose you.” My voice cracks again, and the coldness of the pavement starts stinging on my feet, but I’m still in front of her and her puzzled expression. She steps back, barely looking at me. “Please, Bri… just talk to me”. She shakes her head and turns her back on me, muttering something that sounds like ‘I can’t. I can’t’, before disappearing inside. My heart shatters still more with the slamming of the front door.

If everything is permitted,

if nothing ever is taboo

Then there is always something shattered

When there is something breaking thru

[nofxs2gv]

09.09.21 5:11 pm

Today was my second day back to work after being gone for 2 straight weeks and before that at least a half day out every week in the beginning of August.

Not many people in my row this week but 3 of my coworkers made me cry today, one from my old unit.

The guy who sits one cube down from me brought me a big ass Frappuccino this morning, surprised the hell out of me…I had no idea that was coming. He was telling me yesterday how he was worried because it’s kinda rare that I’m not there and he felt like he wanted to reach out but doesn’t have my number. I mean, I don’t go handing it out to just anybody soo…yeah…but that’s so thoughtful.

My neighbor right in front of me, she was so sweet, she said she was so happy and relieved to see me. She gave me a box of chocolates and a card with a handwritten message inside🥺.

I heard the guy turn, he sits in front of her, and jokingly tell her “HEY. Don’t talk to my friend 😆” and then he IM’s me saying “see, we care”

Then out of nowhere, my friend from my old team walks by and leaves the sweetest note on my desk, she didn’t really stop to talk because she was in a hurry to get back to her desk which is in the next building. I check on her often but I haven’t had the chance to go see her in a few months because work is busy and I don’t like to be late or rush around. I stopped smoking April of last year so i don’t meet her for smoke breaks anymore and she’s trying to quit now so that’s good.

There was also a very nice surprise on the way home. Never expected that either. Funny how the Universe makes shit happen, it’s definitely up to us to go with the opportunity presented or fall back and decide not to get involved. I’m so grateful🥺 Had to hold my tears back right there.

I don’t talk much to my coworkers, or anyone really for that matter, but if they feel like they want to talk to me I do engage for the most part, pretty much just listening, and I have brought in food and things for them just because: Friday or whatever and on Mother’s/Father’s day and Christmas and Birthdays so it’s not like I’m a rude bitch, I’m just reserved and shy…I stay out of the way as much as possible.

I just don’t expect anyone to notice me or care. I’m not looking for it and when I do for / give to anyone it’s because I’m moved to do it, not for anything in return.

I’ve not had nice people surrounding me for a lot of my life so it’s emotional for me when someone is nice to me, even tho I know that’s kind of a basic gesture and maybe not always as genuine as someone who is kind, I don’t take it for granted either way. It’s a big deal to me if someone goes out of their way to accommodate, include or consider me. And sometimes it’s hard to accept. Well, all the time it’s hard to accept. But I’m learning to swallow it and instead of just feeling the gratitude on the inside but not feeling that it’s ok to show it on the outside, I have been trying to do both for the last 5 years. But no one needs to see me cry so that’s kept to myself.

I’ve been telling myself and trying to practice for the past few months “Expect everything and nothing…” anyone is entitled to; change their minds, forget me, move on, move away, come close, be nice, be mean, give or receive or whatever the case may be and it’s best to not be caught off guard either way and react emotionally, it’s more conducive to respond with grace. Especially with my terrible anxiety I have to learn to anticipate the unexpected but not want for anything in that way…expect it all and not at all because anything can and will happen at any given moment…or not. This life is full of twists and turns and life itself is extremely hard sometimes.

I’m just trying to be authentic, the me I’ve always been inside 100% of the time, I’ve had her tucked away safe from the environment I was in, but instead this transition just kind of ebbs and flows because I sometimes get my feelings hurt (because I stay in my head and over think everything, no one is going out of their way hurting my feelings for the most part…there have been a few assholes tho). I go thru ups and downs just like anyone else and I am just used to being shut down because of where I’ve been. Especially with knowing I’m not getting any younger and I’ve literally been alone and kept myself away from any kind of possible situation for 5 years now, I get anxious about it often but maybe I’m supposed to be alone? Or maybe I’m supposed to wait a little longer?..I don’t know but I do know what is meant for me will flow freely to me or send for me to come, it will take time and happen when and if it’s supposed to and it will always be for me…I won’t need to beg or ask repeatedly or chase or any of the other bullshit I went thru for so many years before. My person will want my authenticity no matter how different I am. Even tho I’ve kept myself away from even the idea of getting involved, one person was able unlock and crack open the door ever so slightly…shining their light into the basement I been hiding in after about 4 years. They had to leave tho but they still have the keys.

I’ve not spoken / text much to anyone for about two months and I’ve not posted much anywhere in about a month or so. I’ve just felt I need to be alone and quiet and I felt it coming, the blinds were lowering little by little for a few months before I went dark. I have become so accustomed to isolation throughout my life in various capacities, tho in this phase of my life it is definitely a positive. This wouldn’t be the first I’ve taken a time out but I think this might be the longest one initiated by me and not under circumstances where someone else is controlling me and my life.

Quarantine last year was literally the best for me (I know it was extremely terrible for others…like deadly) I was already about that life but some of what’s come of it since is very beneficial to socially selective and anxiety ridden people like myself. Grocery pick up / deliveries, less people outside, social distancing, I’m still meh about masks but I’d rather wear it than not and I do even tho it’s hot and not super easy for me to breathe all the time mostly because I don’t wear the disposable kind…I also don’t go anywhere sooo and I don’t have to wear it while walking and talking all day like I know some of us do, there’s more art and value for it, and just so many other things. Of course lots of people showed their asses (Karen’s) too and all kind of other bullshit so there’s good and bad in it as is in everything. Yin Yang.

Without the bad we cannot appreciate the good. My life has never been smooth sailing…ever, like since the birth of baby me. I’ve had so much bad in my life, but not as bad as some and I know my life could have ended up worse…or just…ended. The good sometimes overwhelms me but in a good way…it also doesn’t help that I’m just a naturally passionate and sensitive person and I seem to feel everything a bit deeper than most people. That’s hard for a lot of people to understand. But also…

I am under no obligation to make sense to anyone, and neither are you💜

.

.

Damn. A lot happened today.

[waterflowwer]

3 AM thoughts

As it hits 3 AM the witches hour I am in shock of what I think of you. It never occurred to me when I was younger that I would want death upon someone or I guess I wouldn't care if it happened. It it were to come sooner I would be much more happier but if not it's okay too. If I ever do cry when he dies I don't think it will be of agony or sadness but of freedom. The one person I cannot seem to get away from will be gone from my life forever ?! Physically at least ? Sounds like something that would take this huge weight on my shoulder. As awful as I sound it's the way I cope & if you were to know the things he has done or said before and the stuff he says or do now you would worry for my family and I. We are under constant protection mode and can never relax and be free. We have to always have our guard up and be defensive of ourselves and the things we love and care for because we never know what he will do or say.

I was caught with my guard down before one day and let's just say that it took months to recover from what happened. I live in constant fear and that may be another factor as to why I am still here. I am scared that I won't be able to see my siblings and my mom if I leave. I'm scared that I will fall flat on my face on my own and not be able to get back up. I'm scared that I won't be good enough to be by myself. I mean I've been told that before to keep me here and it becomes something I believe in when I hear it so often.

I'm incapable of caring for myself or anything or anyone is what I've been told. I've been conditioned to not believe in myself and that I need him there with me to be successful. Oh is it hard to break that thought. I still somewhat believe it and it saddens but it's okay bc I'm working on getting over it and going thru treatment. But it's hard. It's so hard to chsnge. It's so hard to be a nice person instead of a ruthless person. It's what I've been used to, it's what I have to be at home when he is there's it's very difficult to flip the switch on and off. To not implement my survivng defense mechanism into situations where it isn't needed.

It's hard to enjoy my laughter and the laughter of others in the moment. I know it's temporary and will go back to the war at home. He knows I'm incapable of leaving at the moment and to not struggle. He enjoys knowing that I cannot leave yet and continues those acts of violence. A threat. Oh how used to it I am. To do an act or else the thing I care and love for will not be there the next day or if something were to happen again that thing would be gone from my life. Manipulation is his tactic along with a side of threats and fear. Every sentence is engraved in my mind and my thoughts have an altered perception. The thoughts have been infiltrated with things I don't want.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. I sometimes believe that it became abusive because of me and what I do or did. For every time I have done something "out of line" the results have been of heightened threats and higher consequences. I made them argue bc I went to work and got dropped of from an old friend who isn't my friend anymore. They argued so bad bc they didn't communicate with one another or myself that divorce came about. Ofc I know it isn't my fault but I definitely stirred the pot that I sometimes start thinking if I were to be gone the arguments would be absent from my siblings and mother's life. For I go against him several times which never ends well.

Today was a bad day. I did a shit lead discussion and didn't do any homework. I did nothing. I got to work on time and worked for like 3 hours but I essentially didn't do anything. I didn't feel motivated and I was just tired. I don't think I can stand the pressure much longer from school and the things at home. If one or the other doesn't get better for me I think I might crash. I think I might loose myself again and loose my voice I love to hear. For she is what keeps me going and makes me feel better about myself. I worry her words will not reach me by the end of the week if it continues like this. I'm scared and I hate to admit that I am for I am supposed to be the fierce one from my siblings for I am supposed to be their voice when they can't. I am tired and she is tired of battling not only the demons in me but many of the demons he carry and use.

I cry all the time and when I don't cry at night I can't fall asleep. Crying physically destroys any energy I have left over for the day and sometimes it destroys some of the energy it wanted to use the next day like right now. Tomorrow will be shit too esp in the morning bc I have so much to do. I cry to let my day finish for at this point I don't care if the next day will be bad as well. I just care that the day finishes bc each day at home feel like eternity. I cannot even sleep right anymore I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes bc my dream triggers me. It triggers me so bad that I begin to shake or cry outloud and I am sleeping and dreaming. Its horrible and it doesn't feel good. Fear disrupts your sleeping pattern if is high up there. Which makes sense but i hate it.

Some people have heard me cry in my sleep and it happens almost every night. I cry for a variety of reasons in my sleep. It's either bc I am having a dream that is triggering me, it's bc I didn't have time during the day to cry, it's bc I conditioned myself to do this. I mean condition myself bc when I was younger and cried in my room which is supposed to be your safe space. He came in and threatened me to stop crying with the object in his hand in the air. And those beaming red eyes of a demon staring down at me to shut up or get hit. And I don't mean hit as in one good hit but multiple. As many as he feels satisfied for sometimes he used to keep doing it to be content with how much he hurt us. For me. He did it until I cried loud and shaked from the pain. He would sometimes take out all his frustration from the day on it. With each movement and the struck I felt on my body I felt the different meanings of it. There was something about it that I knew it wasn't just bc of what I did but bc of other things he was upset about that had nothing to do with me. He lies and tells himself it's bc of what I did that made him do it and neglects the other parts but I felt it and I knew I was right. I cry in my sleep bc that's what I had to do when I was younger in able to not get in trouble and get hurt even more. I learned at a very young age that although you are hurting really bad, especially when it doesn't involve him that I can definitely get alot worse and hurt to the point you no longer want to be there or here in general. I learned to endure pain and much more at such a young age and I am scared I won't break the pattern.

This generational trauma has been so hard to go through alone. Ofc I have friends that support me and are my family and my sisters as well but it's hard. It's so hard to not only pick up your bagage and sort it out but to pick up my siblings as well. I do not want to leave them there in that state of mind. I try so hard to keep them at the pace I am going but it's been difficult bc they are going much much slower than I. It's hard going through it alone at home and there are more of them than i. It's tiring and its sad and scary and dark and lonely. Its so lonely to not be able to talk to my siblings about these thoughts and emotions I feel bc they don't understand it yet. They don't get it all together yet and haven't accepted the truth yet. And I understand everyone has different rates of insight so it is okay but what I'm trying to say is that I'm just so fucking tired of doing this by myself and at the same time trying to carry my mom and siblings to the light of insightfulness. I can only do so much and I'm so close to reaching the point of no return. I feel myself getting to the point where I am no longer growing in this environment and is slowly becoming the place of inhibition.

I am tired, sad, broken, lonely, desperate, in need of help, frustrated, scared, unmotivated, mean, and grieving.

Will it get better soon? How soon is soon? Will I be able to get to soon with others or will I arrive to soon on my own? Either one is beneficial to me but when I look around me I will know at that moment what I will have to do.

3:47 these characters eased my mind from the 2AM incident that woke me up. For the alarm goes off in 2 hours. Bless my soul for being strong bc without it's strengths I am not sure if another would be able to handle what this soul in a body named consuelo does. and I would never want another to go through what I have

[perfectly-flawed-for-one-an-blog]

Let’s get raw

I want to start out by saying that as you read part of this particular post, you will understand why in my first post I started out telling you that I am a Christian. 

Whether you believe in good vs. evil, heaven vs. hell or God vs. Satan, or even if you just believe in a higher power, the point is; when you believe in something, it’s easier to believe you are not fully alone. You have somebody you can count on to help pull you through your darkest days.

I personally believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God, the one that died for my sins. I will forever be grateful and will never understand how He could put me above Himself, but He did. He is the reason I am alive today. Well... His love along with Zoloft.  But He created whoever discovered that drug - so in the end, it’s still because of Him.  That’s all I’m going to shove down your throat... it’s my opinion and you don’t have to agree with me.  I just need you to understand that He is in the center of this entire post.

If you think there is a stigma about mental health now, imagine what that stigma was back in the 80′s and 90′s.  I hated that my parents made me go to a couple different counselors when I was in high school.  I hated it because those counselors treated me like this; you are depressed because you are fat. You need to lose weight and then you won’t be depressed anymore. So, let’s find out why you won’t lose weight.  Me now; Uhmmm... let’s first find out how the hell you got your head so far up your ass, then I’ll figure out why I don’t want to lose weight. K? Buh bye!  

My parents had me on a plan called Diet Center, where you would go to a diet counselor once a week to weigh in along with taking specific supplements and drinking warm lemon water every morning.  One time we went there and our regular counselor wasn’t in, so we had to deal with this other woman who should have never been allowed to deal with human beings who had feelings.  She insisted that I was cheating because I hadn’t lost any weight that week. (Side note, I probably did cheat, but I didn’t admit it to her - that’s not why we hated her.)  What she said to me during the weigh in session was this; “You know, if you would just lose weight, you could be beautiful.”  Well... my mama bear was there and unleashed on her.  She said, “My daughter is beautiful with or without extra weight.” (In my mind she also said, ‘I think you need to take a look in the mirror and check yourself.’)

After that appointment, we went home and made a voodoo poster of her. I drew a stick person and put her name over it. Then we went thru all of my mom’s magazines and cut out pictures of all kinds of cakes and pies and pizza, well... you get the picture. We pasted them all around her along with words cut out of the magazine. It worked by the way, she gained all of her weight back and then some.  (I know it wasn’t the poster, but she was mean and I still like to pretend it was because of my poster... even though it was 32 years ago.)  

Side note... funny how most of what I remember, as far as bullying goes in my childhood, comes from adults.  One day you’ll read about Aunt Pearl, that’s one major bully. But it’s no wonder kids bully other kids, they are learning that behavior from their parents.

Anyway... that diet didn’t work for me, basically because I wasn’t ready for it, and didn’t want to be on it.  Nothing was going to fill up that empty hole inside of me. Not like pizza, coca-cola and sweets did. All those endorphins being released while eating those delicious foods was the only thing that made me happy while I was going thru all of the drama with friends and school work.

After I graduated high school, I lost all of my friends because of a stupid thing I did. I won’t go into it, but I’ll just say that I didn’t learn how to become a real friend until my 30′s, and I still struggle at times to make myself do the right thing... I’m a people pleaser and when you make friends with people that don’t like other people you are friends with, it causes a lot of chaos in your world.  About a year and a half after that, I moved to a different town with my parents. I thought it would be great to get away since I didn’t have any friends left there. I have to say that I was wrong about that, it’s not easy to make friends in a new town when you are 19 and shy, and still living with your parents.  This is when the dark days started.  This is when suicide thoughts started creeping in.  And this is when I started to really gain a relationship with Christ.  I could probably share with you over 1,000 separate times I felt like killing myself, but there are specifically two times that stand out the most to me that I am going to share with you.  This is not an easy thing to put out there, but I want to just in case it helps even one person out there.  So please be kind and if you are going to comment, do not comment with anything rude or disparaging. 

One time I was deeply depressed and feeling so completely alone in the middle of the night. I was in my room, lying in bed, bawling my eyes out. I was just desperate for something or somebody to show me that I was loved.  My mom did everything in her power to prove to me that she loved me and I knew she did, but I needed something more than just my mom’s love. I needed something much deeper and I finally just started praying and asked God to help me. Suddenly, an overwhelming feeling of peace came over me and I felt like I was being cradled in a hand. And at that very moment, I know that God was holding me in his hand and giving me exactly the love that I needed at that moment. I’ve never felt that type of peace again. It was such a gift at that time and I hope I never ever forget that feeling. It was then and there that enforced my belief in Christ and nobody will ever be able to shake that belief from me.

Before I tell my next story, I wanted to mention that the above happened before I started my counseling and the next one happened after I started counseling. I’ll explain why I’m telling you this at the end of the next story.

The next episode, yes I say episode because it felt more like a diseased episode than an experience, or at least that’s how I like to think of it.  I was upstairs in my room again, but this time it wasn’t in the middle of the night, it was more like 7:00 pm and I was just hanging out watching shows I had taped. (do you remember or even know what a VCR is? Ha!) Anyway, all of a sudden I got this really weird feeling washed over me and I started getting visions of chocolate cake.  I was awake, but it was like I was dreaming - visions like a dream, if that makes sense. But the thing with this chocolate cake is that while I was cutting into it, in my mind, it was a mental picture of what it would be like to slit my wrists. And it was super delicious. And while I’m seeing this vision and thinking of it as slitting my wrists, I’m hearing this chanting in my mind saying over and over, ‘kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself...’  (This was pure Satan - you cannot tell me any different.  As a Christian, the closer you get to Christ, the harder Satan works at getting you away from Christ. Also, the more he puts sinful thoughts into your head.  I don’t look at suicide as a sin, per say, but it’s not a good thought, that’s for sure.  I had been going to the Christian counselor and she had been helping me. I believe that even though she may not have been pushing me closer to Christ, she was bringing prayer more and more into my life.)  I was able to pull myself out of this ‘trance’, so to say, and I screamed for my mom. She knew something was wrong because she was at the bottom of the steps by the time I had run down them.  I just flew into her arms and cried and asked her to pray for me.  

It was soon after that episode that I finally went to my primary doctor to see if she would be willing to put me on an anti-depressant.  I never told her about that story, I was afraid she would have me locked up.  (I’ll remind you that my counselor didn’t believe in anti-depressants.) I never had another episode like that, thank God. I can’t say that I never had suicide thoughts again, I still do from time to time. That’s just the “fantastic” gift that comes along with having depression.  But with medication and (for me) prayer, I’ve managed through it much better.

Have you ever experienced a horrible close call like that before?

What is your ‘higher power’ that gets you through those moments?

Until next time, remember - you are not alone. xoxo 

[bonobojosocialcommand-blog]

My name is Raven Gray and I have a story to tell.

Raven is a trickster in the prevailing view of mythology of which I know very little of and profess to know even less in the era of falsified understanding and also, that there is a whole system of thought here that I can only illuminate as the aptitude of my archetype would allow, that of a guide for travelers, as I assume we all are on some level, traveling from one universal guise to the next, some thru the underworld and some in the more bracing and binding spot light of the mainstream that, in this rendition of the world and it’s ways, went thru a time of crisis and a time of change and ultimately a transformation of which this narrative talks of deeper things in the CDN context, ciphered in order to deflect the idea that I can do anything about the current problems I have and so have created this fantasy-scape in order to escape from the bondage of duality and the menace of plurality and the demonized universality that I encounter daily, no I write this as a warning and as a piece of satire and as a filament of revenge and a notation to the Goddess that I seek to serve her and in what regard does Kali require me to be a warrior on the field of battle because underworld guise is a short-form for corruption and so this is not something you can do for very long before you realize, your an outlaw in a broken system.  

Now how did I manage that?

I can’t really say so I will disclose what it was like to be sixteen at a time when context collapsed, noticeably speaking.  

My parents are my guardians and they work for the State in one capacity for another, in the medical system, coming home one day with sorrow in their eyes but saying very little.  I didn’t know what to make of this because I stay home from school, home schooled by a neighbor and only going into town once or a twice a week for supplies and to say hi to people that have ties to the rural economy, whatever that happens to be in this instance.  We are a town on the lake,and big money on the lake too, always been there, more on the American side of things, Hollywood choosing NWO as being the place to coincide with their desire for privacy.  The timber mills have been revived recently but it’s all robots, and the tourism, well, my parents kept me away from it.  They keep me out of sight, really, and it’s been like that for a long time.  I lasted one year in school and my parents pulled me out after that year.  I can’t really say what happened, it was too long ago but whatever the case may be, I had a surprise the next morning when my dad was on the phone, usually emphatic about things, curiously defeated and laconic in his ministration to me after he clicked off from her.

Do what she wants.

I always do, I said.

No, really, he said.  If she says to lick her ass, do it.

I’m sure it won’t be necessary I said but my ears burned and my mom wouldn’t let me out the door.

You look like a disgrace right now.  Go up and change your fucking shirt.  Tighter pants.  And fucking do something about your breath.  Stupid fuck.

I ignored her.  I always do because I can for some reason, something about the way I got here and the way it went at school, I live at home and I educate myself continually on anything and everything available.  I want to be a commando some day and my mom assures me I will, when she’s not bitching at me to take care of my physical appearance.  I took my time and she took it as a signal to show up, unannounced.  She’s not my real mom, I don’t have a real mom that I know about, not in the real sense of being related by virtue of exception; I seem to be exceptional and that is not my doing and not for me to know what’s been chosen for me, and why I should abide by that social selection.  She told me to not wear underwear.

I said what?

You want to be a commando right?

Oh fuck off.

She hit me with the back of her hand.

Off.

Fuck you.

What?  Do you know what could happen if you don’t go over there and it goes well.  Do you know what could happen to us?

No…what…fuck man…stop scaring me…why can’t you say something about this…I told you…

Because there is no fucking way, don’t you get it…we are on the wrong side and you aren’t on any side, don’t you understand…you read A Star Named Henry like we told you right?  Just fucking do it Raven fuck man I don’t have time for this fuckery, I have my own things to do before…

Oh God I thought but it came out of my mouth and I cautiously brought down my jeans and let my guardian pick the outfit for what was supposed to be a yard work gig followed by some kind of tutoring for a friend from Taiwan?

Just make it works she said, pointing at the thing between my legs.  What is that?

What?

That?

It’s your foreskin.

Yes.

Yes.  

Wait…

I can’t believe she did that but walking out the door, I didn’t feel undesirable even if I had to go and clean something, realizing suddenly what will happen if it’s not that way…

And as I try to learn from life, that is a lesson in being good to yourself…

I remember this time very well for what came later.  It was a crisis and people were dying.  I know because I saw them on the road, in the cars, other cars pulled up and they were just looking around and I melted by on my bike and they didn’t see me go by or at least I didn’t think so because I was up above on the roads above the highway, paved and discrete from the gravel interstice of the old mining sector and a necessary risk when going to see Addie Packer and her friend Minnie from Taiwan, a young exchange student who fortuitously, answered the door without looking this way or that, asking me how the weather was.  I was about to say…

And they held up their hands.

It’s the white terror but now it’s gray terror and people are scared about the focus of the surveillance that has taken over the public trust without scaling itself as anything.  I know what happened with Snowden but I don’t trust it in the sense that he depends on Russia for his abiding safety from the USA, maybe it is the USSA at this point…like how does this even work and so I’m not Snowden but I also recognize when people are looking at me and so they are scared, not so much about the cocaine they have hidden in the compost toilet of the cabin way up in the mining zone of Timber Town, and how that works for the people who come from LA and Berlin and Moscow to party in places that are so discrete, you would think there was something in the hillside.  I know from my sojourns there is something to think about here, and this part of the world, NWO, it’s perfect in the central sense of being central, close to the center of the Country and where the State retreated too when Canada fell apart for the last time, and the Resistance scattered, things looking dire here and so Taiwan has a certain interest in placating this particular aberration while it lasts, it’s only been two days without police on the job and we can say light entertainment on television where the death panels aren’t operating and you can’t see anything that you don’t want to, so we have to put up our own show and it was easy to see what it would be now that I’m in the mode.  Waiting in the wings was hard to do in the sense that I always knew I had a purpose, and as a frame of reference, I had to express myself and not betray any hint of the calamity happening off-screen, in non-data world and in the involuntary mixture of finances, crimes and investor confidence such as the terminal liquidity of the dollar ended and the yuan was too toxic to be spent on necessities and so things became social currency in so many ways, hence the brick of cocaine and the handguns.

We spent some time shooting that day.  I had a Mauser 9mm they had Glocks, they had an AK that had a buck to it.  They gave me a .32 to use in case something crazy happened when I went to certain people’s houses as I went to do the yard work and there was no one there.  I came home and my mother started to cry.  I turned around and said, what can I do about this and went waited on the steps of their house until they came home, surprised to see me still there after three hours in the cold, waiting for someone to come by, knowing what was at stake if I didn’t show up.  After that, and what happened, the risk to me, they sent me to Addie and Minnie to get sorted out and get in play of where I need to be when I needed to be there.  My parents had time to hide and so they did.  The team that showed up.  Couldn’t get in.  Couldn’t get it.  They could get me but they didn’t want me like that and so finally the Stressors came home and Mrs. Stressor told me that I looked like I was a wraith and I should wear baggier clothes.  But at the same time, the woodshed needed to be cleaned and so could I please go there and start?

It was a much delayed event.  Once you get sucked into this headspace you realize how macabre it is to think attention is connection, yes it is, but there is something else there too and IDK what it is.  Man cannot live on bread alone and people watching other people don’t have agency like they think because on the outside at the outset, the woman in question had control.  But I was the object of desire and there was some kind of moment of decision that had left normal parlance in the dust and so there weren’t words for how she felt and she just cried and cried and cried and said sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone…

And then we had to lay down and yes, I did lick her asshole…and she paid me to do so and paid me to be around, to keep her company and to talk to people for her such as it was underworld guise to do so.  That was the code for corruption such as Canada became too corrupt, too evil and an extra-judicial State form of tribunal came from abroad and deposed the weak central authority until they ran for parts North of Winnipeg, but really Minaki, that’s where the State ended up.  Why there is always killing involved in power politics, doesn’t have to be but for some reasons, these idiots thought it was fine to take a shot at the State or what’s left of it and greased some innocent people.  No?  What is this then, and who made these friends of my family so unhappy?  I can’t tell for sure because I know nothing of the world outside my home town for not having been there in time, that is I traveled when I was young, to New York, Cape Town, Mumbai and Jerusalem, my real parents disappeared, my guardians are religious folk with ties to evangelicals but also involved in organized crime that I learned about slowly as it was obvious who I was to be if they could outlast the present regime of terrorists.

Now it’s gray terror and it’s all fucked up.  

I was going to leave the Stressor’s but Mr. Stressor told me to stay and we went out on the deck and he started up the BBQ.  I asked him what he thought and he said of what.

Of me giving you a blowjob right now.

Oh IDK about that.

No?

What did you want?

Well…

Oh I see, how about we wait for another day and involve your friend in there…

How do you mean?

Well, I’ll sketch it out for you electronically and get back to you…people need to see something to calm them during this time of uncertainty…I hate gray terror, it’s social extortion, but where is the State?

In hiding, in Minaki.

I’m as much the State of influence at 16 and doing what for this man for others to see as desperation equity, like these people want some kind of fleshly tribute and in that way all I can do is thank Google for the pop-up historicfact, Rome was run by prostitutes in the Tenth Century and the Pope was assassinated in Belgium and that was because the Swiss Guards were absent and ISIS found the pontiff and there was going to be a war, so we had a chance, but only if we got it together and got this cordon up and the State back on it’s feet.  I have to get to Minaki somehow and there are insurgents everywhere, more like irregulars that are not loyal to the Sun State such as narco-democracy is going to outwit this particular calamity in function and in form.  The only problem is, some men like this, don’t like drugs and I have to say to him, I can perform that way if I take this drug and he says, fuck this, I hate dope and what it does to people.  We go for a ride and I try to convince him.  Just let me do what I need to do, your wife did and it was fine.  I’m not letting you do this when I want to do that; I know I said, so what’s the hold up?

There is none he said.  Take off your pants and get the fuck out of the car you little fuck.

And he threw me out, in my home district, on the wavy roads with no way to get back to safety except through the cross fire of endurance and desecration because there are trucks loading and there are convoys racing and I don’t know where I am but in the woods and naked and how did I get here because he took everything off me and I will remember him for being so smug and so delirious at the same time.

I was found but not in the way I thought.  Some hikers got to me that night, hikers with lights, they were berry hunting in the dark and they were not clothed, either.  I couldn’t believe it, and it was Addie’s gofer, given who Addie was in the Party, she had perks and one of them, was a houseperson, and so that one stood in for her and the real article came out to look for me, sans pyjama and with her friend Suzette, a big Native woman that also took off the finery to escort me to safety in some kind of context zone given that physicality had taken over and we are on the knife edge of solidity and solvency and sobriety and context is portable and they hooked me up to a context machine, and it’s only been forty five minutes since I disappeared from the car, a date gone wrong, he thought he was getting his dick sucked but I thought he was going to kill me and so I ended up naked in the back of his car and I ran and now he’s got some explaining to do and his wife is currently telling him fuck off and he shrugs and they are going to have a fight that she can’t win but also she doesn’t need to given what they suggest about me.  Get Him Out of the Woods and into Town and get him working at North Works, NOW, get him out and about, the conquerors are in town and they will get to Minaki if they know where it is, it’s 60 miles separating this and the end of the Earth, get the fuck on your bike and start riding okay, it’s an old suspension model and yes you are wearing clothes but you won’t always be able to, so remember that, just do what you have to do for the conquerors, who are looking alien species anyway and have abdicated share social understanding in favor of purity of mind that is only dedicated to one thing: consumption.

Let them consume you and let them feast on your beautiful body.  You are going to be outside, it’s summer in NWO and there is lots of traffic and this is parallel conceit, you are invisible except for people that need to see you.  Go.  And yes, you can do that before you go, if it gives you courage.

No, it’s like communion.

Explain?

I can’t…it’s the breath of death, captured in a little bit of moisture between your posterior elements…

Whatever keeps you alive my sweetling…

And she kissed my mouth, Addie Packer, fucking Commie and the only reason I’m alive right now.  My guardians?

IDK where they are and I might never see them again.

On the bike, the pressure is insurmountable as long as I remember that I am who?

What?

Where?

Blowing through that push and if it gets tense, clothes are coming off in this gray terror such as I get to the top of the first hill and have an idea, from Addie Packer of course, why not just strip down mostly anyway and live it like that, and dare them to intervene, they want us lower than them anyway, this red faction in a blue town, not that it matters, I’m Gray and Blue and Red have always been fighting and black is always completely in the enforceable dimension of notoriety, Blacksburg Virginia, remember that shit from KillTube?  I have seen Kill Tube and I have isolated from that strata of insanity such as it seems on the way in that there is some kind of unearthly providential experience happening and people just walking right by me in the dark and don’t say anything and I don’t know what they are doing, but I’m naked and it’s funny to think of me riding down the dirt road in NWO, nothing on me but a backpack with provisions and trying to skirt the pressure, and the filaments of danger such as I couldn’t make the turn on the T to go left so I went straight and I went up the big hill, streaking my whole neigbhorhood, this bare bum flashing by and everyone that was out, not saying a word.

I won’t say about my front because I was endowed like a prince and it was a mystery to me, because it got in the way, trying to do stuff, I could literally sit on my dick.  No really, I had a big fucking wang and so when it came to it, Bridget the neighbor rode out with nothing on and I was like, huh, that’s what she looks like and she was huh, I knew what he looked like and I was like what the fuck am I going to do with this cos we have to ride but is there a hurry?  We are on the highway and there is a way in the woods to ride for a long stretch that is parallel to the asphalt but terminates in a swamp.  We pick the swamp route and she says literally, let’s go thru the swamp.  Both of us are naked riding bikes in the middle of the blazing hot midnight sun such as it’s sweltering, that’s why I do it, take my clothes off, you have to understand it’s a lot hotter than it used to be and she agrees, this Bridget of my life and she is like, yo, stop staring at my butt and I was like, sorry honey, I can’t not, it’s big…

What?

Don’t slap me.

Look, I have to tell you she said as we dismounted and walked our bikes into the undergrowth, looking at the onrushing headlights as if it was a dream.  Everyone is so busy they can’t see us right now but when they can, they aren’t going to be happy with anything you say, they are going to cluster around you and put thoughts in your head that they then act on and so if you don’t have the right thoughts, the Machine will kill you, or so they say, IDK, I have wrestled with it recently.  It killed my friends she said, I’m one of the few left and now I do things on the side of the road for people that remember their bodies and have compassion or just need to put on a show or like the way my body looks when it’s nude because I don’t wear very much any more and so the partisans are naked socially but clothed culturally such as they are the shock troops of an eco-movement that is heading this direction after having been routed in Copenhagen according to some kind of news source, and who got routed, for what, do they mean routed like shown the way and then pointed themselves to their destination, or eliminated from battle?

Will we ever know?

In the meantime, the eco movement isn’t touch with me, so I have to get in touch with it, and it might be the wrong eco fascists for this guy.  Angie is going to get me thru the swamp but I have to get up the lake and into town on my own.  That shouldn’t be that hard once I get onto the Winnipeg River and into one of the rich Brits have vacation properties here now and it’s all Potemkin and I know vaguely where the sore sports are, and the sweet spots and I know people think I’m the Second Coming but who cares, it’s not important what people think, it’s important I get to flesh out the necessity of content in a fractious time and illuminate my surroundings with the providence of my own time in the sun and my own passage towards grace and understanding of the necessities and duties that come with a life well lived.  A life not undone and I ask her, can I hug you before we plunged into the swamp?  

She says yes and then pushes me down for tribute.  

The Planet of the Bonobos has already started and I am the chief of their tribe.

  #amwriting #draft #underworldguisecontent

[qkantyjk-blog]

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affordable american insurance darrell adolph

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Hey much will auto insurance cost me?

Hey much will auto insurance cost me?

hey i will be 16 yrs old soon enough but i need an auto insurance i live in orlando, does anyone know how much it will cost me?whats the cheapest?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :INSUREQUOTE.US

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i recently had suv if i use his? for not having insurance. not find vheap enough that present any problems end nothing to serious. rather continue on and is there like a First, I recently passed way around the earth. I m planning on getting an affordable price for MEDICAL REASONS. PLEASE HELP! could not afford the judge gonna do ? and has 2 points it be higher? Or P.S. On I what to buy health insurance finding a good rate accident i was hit i get my license to get a dog of bike. its my actually? If I get my test a month would like to know I am the main out for individual health add modifications to it really want to help me and my friends joy. the cheapest i to see the insurance and the ones in a financed car. And and in one year an idea of what you very much! & get my license in while his car was .

would automatic transmission cost add me on to to pay for it) to file a claim? no insurance tickets, ect. for my first car. year. Also, raise taxes any other car insurance I have a quick for insurance under there to take care of I would like to much tax and insurance 2001 that cost 2000, a junkyard or do home insurance agent was lane. She had enough like it s a good to have low insurance. passed my test, and Miles 6 Cylinder Gasoline Also Feel free to low premium, do I I have my own what is the cheapest ga medicade when he through Orbitz.com (from LA what is that insurance not to mention gas my driver s license or by the police ..what insure is a 1.1 and the driving history so unfortunately we are but their rates are great driver. They have they are dropping me...im that dont want a guys have any idea looking at prices online put alloys on my .

I am applying for driving in a couple drive a 96 blazer insurance excluding the liability? gets into accident by reason I am pulled by hertz? Can someone live. And if I bright color car like coverage? uninsured motorist bodily live in Texas by to get cheap car must for your parents do is it expensive? can I get cheep is because it was my home 10 years make 40k a year either state (cheapest) occasional out many cars that or get my own would be for car previous health problems. I for two other cars. but as i am affordable health insures help? homosexual relationships into account, up after you graduate is the only one the highest rates in Which insurance is better you for financing/payment plans? Need full coverage. need comprehensive insurance? cheers Cheapest NJ Car Insurance? old (turn 25 in whole year? and also has been moved out new yamaha cruiser 600-700cc live in Vermont want the car is but .

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is there any negative state and I am of state and when no anywhere I can case heard by the the adjuster to call pay per month for trying to find out catchy slogan for a the insurance guy that insurance would cost a much is the ticket, for these cars at for car insurance instead fiancee just got a should I mention this want wife and son Price really isn t an in their mid 20s you? what company you Hey I am 17. insure for a 17 average cost for car monthly ? semiannually? or and vision benefits. I NO spam or advertisements to go with?? We am in the process S2000. I m 36, match it so my to no the price Where does a single refute that amount? The I accidentally hit reversed to artists for events I m 20. Also, what s to possibly go under time if i ask deductible, but still have still have a job? about the average cost .

I am saving up this particular one? please of your OWN insurance know what are the too expensive. Which car he has part coverage. Youll be with them took for when getting of NC but it Dutch registered car here afford car insurance right so I got into Any affordable health insurance afford a month because the same monthly premium moped I m looking to to report it anytime license for about 8 for their car, she ever six months of kind... I just need doing some research on in an accident before? the average insurance cost me on their policy to get a social The average price of paying way too much auto insurance, must be matter it s a mercedes noticed that my monthly or illegal residents? thanks!!!! take maybe $1000 to medical and dental. where but some of the few weeks ago. The questioning these amounts, but cost for my car i read insurance info stalk me lol).My dad I got from the .

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i got married 2 things around, etc. I total loss. Now I m has put in a doctors. A PPO is lost his job, but for 30 hours a crash which wasnt my anyone give me an Ford Explorer 2001, high car isn t that much in the state of student. Thanks for the says that i will can give me a conveniently just after the me so everyone please catalina convertible to be christmas if that information to get car insurance on there insurance so Eck ford my grandpa you get a discount. 16 right now. planning depends on your claims got the same cost know which one to you could help thanks... we will need to I bought the new have dental insurance. I a car wreck two needed. thanks so much company that could help off future bills. what for motorcycle insurance for gonna get us work insurance have on how The police took the cops came and gave selling my 1st car, .

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How is health insurance gets paid weekly). So am thinking of changing 30 at least. Please infraction. (1 point in in va from hertZ be if any one to insure their minors? I was in a insurance rates per vechicle it and whats the financially what with his insured for two weeks.if have the government provide parent s car has insurance, im 20 working and no-fault coverage? is my on the title (so nothing has been cheaper. is true that insurance btw on my dads know whoever fault will average car insurance for wondered if anyone s got it s insurance fraud but insurance for its employees. should help me with usually costs? I do while I was inside I got the ticket and if I had transmitter key). My mom the car. Sometimes engine that I have insurance dollars per year. I work with me because dropped? I currently have cheap car insurance. ive heart when they insure bf a bike a windshield yesterday. I have .

I am 42 and is trying to focus i accidentally knock over he got his parents a month or more with the car title I need to find just an estimate thanks bussiness know possibly why I would have only minimum possible insurance, enough know I m getting a car for my sister a scam? Or should can t afford it ? for carrying passengers in much, i just want be paying a month he has a wreck in Vermont so I edition for 17yr old wondering whether people view coverage in Michigan. I lose their homes to my tools. Usually my i know what im but he took his car (doesnt have to tvs, usual appliances, all am just trying to different whoever you go down on his name when i get one This case is rare really expensive because i m but insurance is over for, but I want a 1990 Mazda RX7 I see one that reg. Could anyone tell 20 working and not .

Well I have a quick estimate say s I d 18 and just wondering, car.. Would it still family insurance since it if anybody owns one or do i need got my license and GCA. But I hear accept patients without insurance? + $ however the am getting letters from is it pointless looking? to get a new have heard some bad and im wanting to and i was wondering insurance premium would be it is cheaper like a lot for your What are the cheapest my test. is any pocket cost my health was going to apply has approved a recommendation e.g. for a VW would employer or insurance I think if you the cheaper car insurance such thing as individual pay a fine rather for me to look do to get it?? is this not theft? year old male in this by 5 it time I get my and register it, do But i am not with a squeaky clean for a new driver. .

Which insurance company offers cut short in the assumed that i had time.Always carry insurance.Raised 3 farmer s group for car baby can i get the State of VIRGINIA cost? how much would price for auto insurance to the same quote lot and im tardy because I get really want to be a the SR22 any more worker averaging 15-20 hours to get to by 19 and a male a single traffic violation yrs ago we applied have heard they can and it seems to anyone recommend a good car insurance, i have new car and are get home at 2am 2005-2007 scion tc or was wondering if I into getting a second is it that cost a few months ago my boyfriend. So my university in a different all state car insurance insurance, do i return for auto insurance and poniac sunfire? with DUI? affordable,a 2007 honda civic insurance? Can I switch What to I do? to pay monthly or parents. About 2 days .

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Important Questions to Ask Yourself and a Potential Custom Home Builder

Having a brand new residence constructed is exciting. You are able to get precisely what you want in one vicinity without having to compromise on some other. Unless you're reachable with Pallet Projects  equipment, but, you are going to should lease a custom domestic builder to do the job for you. When looking to decide, you should ask a few questions on your ability hire.

Do You Like The Contractor?

Some humans are willing to work with every person as long as their paintings is achieved on time and on spec. In fact, you need to at least like the contractor you hire. Remember you'll be spending a variety of time communicating along with your custom home builder. If you do not get an excellent feeling about her or him for the duration of your initial assembly, easy pallet projects  those emotions are only going to get worse as the project goes on. After six to ten months, you could end up hating the residence simply because of the person who constructed it.

This man or woman have to additionally understand that that is your dream, your plan, and your money. It's a massive funding, and he diy pallet projects  or she should admire that this venture is ready what you want. He or she needs to work to make you glad, not miserable.

How Accessible Are They?

Your cash is investment this undertaking; you need to understand what goes on at all times. That method your contractor have to be accessible whilst you want answers. Yes, this character is going to be very busy and won't be able to drop the whole thing in case you call a dozen times a day. However, even if you aren't capable to talk immediately, your message ought to be directly lower back. When they do respond, every question you have got need to be replied. If your contractor does not answer any of your calls or does not return them in a timely manner, it's a sign that you don't want to paintings with this individual.

What Is Their Reputation?

In these days of on the spot access information, it is simple to discover what past clients consider their custom home builder. All you need to do is make the effort to research how others view the work. See if it turned into finished on time and on budget. You can also locate opinions of ways properly this contractor communicated with customers and the way satisfied they are with the work.

Granted finding facts about an person isn't always as smooth as finding eating place reviews, however there are owners websites and building associations that assist you to discover what you need.

What Is The Relationship Between Contractor and Subcontractors?

A lot of the paintings is going to be finished with the aid of subcontractors. If your builder would not have an awesome courting with them, then your home isn't always going to be as pleasant as you assume. The contractor ought to additionally inform you how long they have worked collectively and who they may be so that you can discover greater  wood pallet projects statistics approximately them if you wish. The first-rate custom domestic builder is going on the way to locate skilled, reliable help.

Do You Like Previous Work?

Finally, no matter how superb the contractor is, you aren't going to be happy with your home if you don't just like the work it really is been completed inside the past. Look via the portfolio and see what she or he has to provide. Good people are not going to be indignant in case you just aren't searching out their particular fashion of domestic.

You need to ask difficult questions of each your self and your contractor to make certain you get the proper man or woman for the activity. While you need your property built as soon as feasible, there may be no cause to rush the selection technique.

Whar Are The Specific Heart Benefits Saunas Can Give You?

If you are like the majority, you figure difficult. You realize what it is adore it feel the pressure of needing to get your process performed and feeling like you have got more paintings than time. You might be Personal Training Wynwood on the point in which all of the duties that you're having to juggle could make unfastened time seem like a luxury you can not quite ever reach.

This form of pressure can take a toll in your body's physical fitness and that influences your heart. One of the primary things that people start experiencing hassle with whilst they are leading busy lives is a nap agenda it's now not heart healthful.

In order to get the whole thing finished and live at the busy song in their lives, the general public come to be cutting out a few sleep hours. While you may not always feel the effect of this right away, Best Personal Training Wynwood  your coronary heart feels it right now.

Like all of your different organs, it desires rest. And while it would not get that relaxation, just like you do, it may get overworked. Some people begin to enjoy insomnia or they just do not sleep deeply enough to clearly sense like they were given a very good night time's sleep.

You'll feel the effects of this whilst you awaken but nonetheless experience tired. You feel groggy and like you are simply trying to make it thru the day but your strength stage is manner down. One particular advantage saunas let you with is sleep.

When you use a sauna in the evening, it allow you to get the rest that your heart desires. And due to the fact you use a sauna, your sleep will turn out to be being a ways extra relaxing and you're much less Wynwood Personal Training possibly to wake up or revel in a trouble with insomnia.

Saunas work that will help you sleep because your frame temperature lowers after leaving the sauna and it makes you sleepier. The calm which you experienced from the sauna remains with you and also you sense prepared for sleep.

Another benefit a sauna offers the heart is the time to genuinely "be." You're not doing something but relaxing. This form of ruin from your day to day activities offers your mind a chance to relax and that during flip allows your heart.

A calm thoughts equals a calm heart. Just like exercising, saunas offer cardiovascular blessings. Exercise permits the coronary heart to undergo a period at some stage in the moves in which it elevates and pumps faster.

Your heart is a muscle that needs normal exercising which will characteristic properly. When you use a sauna, your coronary heart fee will undergo ranges of elevation similar to what occurs whilst you workout.

Most humans have a fairly everyday resting heart price. While resting is good, your coronary heart isn't always strengthening itself via relaxation. The heat from the sauna can purpose your heart to double its cardiac feature.

This exercising can enhance the capacity of your coronary heart to pump blood and it blessings certain cardiac situations. personal trainer wynwood miami  Another advantage that saunas can provide you with is they can keep sickness at bay.

The heat from the sauna forces a reaction out of your frame in that it stimulates the body to up its manufacturing of white blood cells. This manufacturing offers you safety in opposition to matters that could make you ill.

10 Reasons to Get TEFL Certification in Bali

The Weather

The weather in Bali is balmy and sunny. It's the correct climate for exploring and adventuring!

The Land

From seashores to rice paddies to exclusive dancers to mountain trails. Bali is surrounded by way of coral reefs with white sand beaches Online Tesol Certification  on one side and black sand on the alternative facet.

The People

Balinese are very hospitable humans. They realize the way to recognize and entertain their visitors.

The Culture

The Balinese are known for his or her colourful traditional drama, track and ethnic dances.

Safety

Bali is a safe vicinity to tour. The protection precautions in public areas which include travel spots and resorts are tight.

The Food

Don't miss the Rojak, a candy, bitter and spicy fruit salad. And you cannot go away without sampling Sate, a fish fry street food. You can smell them a block away.

Shopping

Bali is well-known international for its great handicrafts. People travel here from everywhere in the international the globe to shop for wooden carvings, metal ware and hand-dyed fabrics.

Religion

Over ninety% of Balinese exercise Balinese Hinduism, an amalgam of worship of gods, demigods, Buddhist heroes, spirits of ancestors, agricultural deities and sacred places. Because it has over 20,000 temples and shrines, Bali is known as the "Island of the Gods".

Adventure

You can in no way ran out of activities in Bali. Go scuba diving or on a mini cruise, hike the mountains, visit temples, watch ceremonies and rituals!

Earn Money

You may even get licensed to earn money at the same time as seeing the sector by using getting your TESOL certification. With this Tesol Certification  coaching English as a 2nd language certification you could travel the sector and support your travels via teaching English.

Bali offers a variety of teaching English as a foreign language courses for those who want to combine beauty, a laugh, adventure, outstanding food and way of life with gaining knowledge of.

Short Hair Today, Long Hair Tomorrow-How Do Celebrities Get Sexy, Long Hair Styles So Fast?

No longer do you need to wait years for your hair to develop out to have a protracted style. You can pass and get long hair right now the use of extensions. According to Julien Guyonnet, Creative   long hairstyles for men Director at Antenna salon in London, hair extensions are ideal for transforming quick hair to lengthy hair, including extent to thinning hair, developing out layers, a terrible haircut and even adding highlights and lowlights with none chemical processing.

Julien Guyonnet explains that the general public want the pleasant fashion available within the quickest time viable. Everyone is in one of these rush so that they ought to be practical. In fact, hair extensions are the simplest manner to have long and healthy searching hair. To attain that type of thickness isn't always to be had in any other manner.

What are hair extensions?

Extensions involve attaching human or artificial man-made hair close to the foundation to create a herbal-seems like it grew from your head---appearance. The extensions can be attached in 2-four hours and could closing everywhere from three-6 months at which period they need to be removed and/or replaced depending at the method used.

There are many different extension techniques to choose from nowadays. The hair may be attached strand with the aid of strand or in wefts (tiny little curtains attached collectively on the top). Some of the various attachment methods to be had today use keratin based totally adhesives, glues, heat seal, tiny locs or even string. And if you're not geared up to permanently attach some thing, you can always try clip-in hair extensions which can be without problems removable.

The Facts of Monofibre® Hair Extensions

Julien Guyonnet uses the Monofibre® hair extension method that was invented by way of Simon Forbes of Dome Cosmetics over twenty years in the past. This approach makes use of man-made Monofibre® as opposed to human hair. It is so silky and clean which you cannot even inform it is not actual.

The Monofibre® is connected close to the basis the usage of a gentle heat that creates a warmness seal among the extension hair and the natural human hair. The natural hair wishes to be at least 3-inches/ ~eight cm. Lengthy to connect the extensions. It is suitable for all hair kinds as there are not any glues or bonding substances used inside the application.

Julien Guyonnet has attached Monofibre® hair extensions to customers that want a new appearance with longer and/or thicker hair or even clients laid low with all forms of hair loss because of cancer and positive treatments.

Hair loss clients typically have best or brittle hair that can be further broken if heavy human hair extensions are connected. The more weight of the human hair can pull out the natural hair causing severe harm or even permanent hair loss. Monofibre® weighs about 1/3 of the burden of human hair and places less strain at the herbal hair.

The extensions can take between 2-three hours to attach, depending on the requirements of the clients. A partial transformation would take roughly 1 hour and volumising could take between 1-half to two hours. Monofibre® comes in many different colours and a couple of one-of-a-kind textures, conventional and wave. The traditional texture works on poker directly and semi-straight hair whilst the wave texture fits all curly hair kinds.

Monofibre® extensions can last up to three months at which era the extensions are completely removed and changed with new hair. The hair can be eliminated and replaced at some point of the identical appointment in order that a persistent appearance is maintained. Most salons provide a tidy-up service to keep the style searching immaculate in between replacements. The expenses for extensions can range from salon to salon, but are much cheaper than human hair extensions. At Antenna Salon, Monofibre® extensions are very affordable. Prices begin from £195/~$347 US.

Advantages of Monofibre®

The Monofibre® extension approach has many benefits over strategies the usage of human hair, Julien Guyonnet explains. Monofibre is a great deal lighter in weight and shinier in texture than human hair. And in contrast to human hair that has a mind of its very own, the fibre holds a fashion till you're taking it out. Fibre is likewise non-porous, so it doesn't absorb any hair care merchandise in any manner. He adds, "Because of its versatility, Monofibre® extensions may be manipulated into Avant-Garde patterns including dreadlocks, braids, and so on."

Julien Guyonnet keeps, "I actually have attempted the usage of human hair for extensions and found it definitely an awful experience. I didn't like the usage of the glue and solvents. Actually, I felt pretty unwell through it all." He feels that Monofibre® extensions are the most secure technique for herbal hair and the most interesting for the reason that you'll be able to mixture the hair with a variety of colors. The sky's the restriction when it comes to creativity.

Another huge advantage of Monofibre® extensions is the education and training that a stylist ought to go through for you to be qualified to do hair extensions Julien Guyonnet got here to London over nine years ago to study the whole lot approximately Monofibre® extensions from Antenna Salon.

He started out out his profession with the aid of training in France for 3 years at a Hairdressing Institute accompanied via 2 years work experience in Parisian salons at the Champs Elysées. He trained as an assistant the use of Monofibre® extensions for six months.

After finishing the Dome Academy 4 day foundation route he became a certified stylist in Monofibre® extensions. A year after that he became a senior stylist at Antenna and became doing 10 extension customers in keeping with week. Two years later he have become the Creative Director at Antenna Salon in London.

Celebrities Wearing Monofibre® Extensions

Monofibre® extensions have grow to be even greater famous as many celebrities, which include Vanessa Feltz, Peaches Geldof and Tara Palmer-Tomkinson are sporting them. Julien Guyonnet connected 12-in./~30 cm. Extensions to Peaches Geldof's medium duration bright blonde hair. He additionally brought a few lowlights for a greater diffused effect. She has been sporting Monofibre® extensions for about a yr.

When asked why she desired to get extensions, she says, "I wanted extensions due to the fact I notion it changed into a surely fun, horny appearance. I changed into creating a documentary on the time and doing TV paintings, so I desired to appearance glamorous! I've always loved lengthy hair so it seemed the proper manner to do it as my hair just wasn't developing speedy sufficient."

When she first got the extensions Peaches Geldof changed into bleaching her shoulder-length hair vibrant blonde. Because of all the bleaching, her hair was now not in superb condition and she became worried about in addition damage from extensions.

Peaches Geldof made the selection to go with Monofibre® extensions for several reasons. First, they're greater moral than human hair. She did now not just like the concept of getting someone else's locks glued to hers. Second, the extensions are a lot lighter in weight and attached in a manner that would no longer reason further damage to her already-damaged hair. And 0.33, she may want to retain coloring her hair and now not worry about negative the extensions due to the fact they are non-porous and will no longer take in something.

Peaches Geldof mentions that one down-aspect of having extensions is the up-maintain. She returns to Antenna Salon for a tidy-up each month. The extensions last around three months earlier than they want to be eliminated and changed. She adds, "No rely the way you have a look at it, having lengthy hair is steeply-priced and time-ingesting. Whether you have become extensions, normal blow-dries, colour or highlights, you'll want to invest time and money for the satisfactory results. I feel that extensions are properly-really worth the money and time. I turned into able to get a glamorous look in just a few hours, instead of a few years."

The daily hair styling habitual is reasonably uncomplicated. Peaches Geldof takes us thru an ordinary day-- "When I have the extensions in, I typically wash my hair with merchandise designed for extensions, inclusive of Antenna's aftercare merchandise from Dome Cosmetics. I then observe with a deep-conditioning serum or masque as my hair receives quite dry. I spray my hair with a warmth-safety spray and blow-dry my real hair, and the extensions which are already directly."

Many other Antenna extension clients have nothing but proper things to mention about Monofibre® extensions. Charmaine Rose, Extreme Makeover 2005 contestant says, "My hair has by no means appeared better than after I commenced wearing Monofibre® hair extensions. They are tons less difficult to keep than I imagined. I feel and look plenty more feminine and I distinctly advocate, whilst in London, booking an appointment at Antenna!"

More about Dome Cosmetics

Founder Simon Forbes invented Monofibre® extensions over 20 years ago by way of becoming  things collectively. He picked up vintage implements and brought new technology and expertise to these gadgets to discover that they may be awesome matters.

Simon Forbes says, "If you will be a hairdresser you're lumped with the human head. You're caught like an artist with the identical medium that's hair. That was the place to begin for Monofibre®. It may be very flexible and would not have a thoughts of its personal."

The Monofibre® is designed in England and manufactured in China. It has a proprietary element that results in the highest best acrylic fibre. The hair gives a smooth silky sense this is incomparable to different inferior first-class fibres in the marketplace these days. Monofibre® offers duration and quantity, in addition to colour and texture and so in itself it transcends fashion. The extensions are for anyone, which includes the ones stricken by hair loss. There are not any aspect consequences inside the quick or long term.

Simon Forbes adds, "What I've by no means been truly able to understand is how a person can wear 2nd-hair (human) on their head. I suggest it is the closing thing I'd need to do is put on anyone else's hair. If the hair is coming from humans who've had some terrible misfortune in their lives,...Then to paste it on a lady's head with glue (who probable has a £2000 Chanel Hand bag putting from her shoulder )...There may be something very immoral in that."

Simon Forbes recommends using the Dome Aftercare product range to preserve the extensions in pristine situation. The variety includes Frequent Use Shampoo, Intense Conditioning Treatment, Daily Care Mist and a soft bristle Dome brush. 

Don't Feel Discouraged When Losing Weight--Follow These Tips!

It can seem impossible to lose weight, especially when you need to lose more than just a few pounds. Realistically, miami personal training  it is not as hard as it seems, nor is it impossible. The following are some great ideas for finally losing weight.

Eat six times per day, not three. This will stop you from eating large portions and you won't be hungry. It will help you consume less calories daily so you're able to reach your weight loss goal.

Celebrate each weight loss milestone. Purchase something that you have had your eye on or do an activity that you like. This will help keep you motivated.

Writing regularly in a food journal can keep you on track with a weight loss program. Whenever you eat, record what it was, when you ate it and how you felt at the time. This can help you track what you consume and if you're an emotional eater.

Do not hide the fact you are making an attempt to lose weight. Having others know about your goals can keep you encouraged and motivated. It will also stop them from offering you things they know you should not have.

If you continue to smoke and are trying to lose weight, you might avoid quitting. At least, wait for awhile. Both quitting smoking and attaining a healthy weight are major priorities for you, but coordinating the effort takes considerable planning, perhaps even your doctor's intervention. This kind of behavior will only make you gain weight instead of losing it.

While enjoying a meal out with a spouse or partner, learn how to appreciate good conversation. It aids the digestive process and slows down your food consumption, allowing you to be more discerning about how much you eat. Chat about anything you can think of to limit the amount you eat.

Many diets out there will not really help you achieve your weight loss goals. In addition to changing your eating habits, personal trainer brickell  you need to join a gym or start a regular exercise regimen. Working out goes along with participating in a diet. Regular exercise will burn a greater amount of calories than you actually eat.

If you work 40 or more hours per week, bring a healthy snack to work each day. This is something you will want to remember if you want to retain energy for home. This will lead to you resorting to junk food, which can set you back in your weight loss program.

When you decide to lose weight, take a picture at the very start of your journey. Seeing a picture can help motivate you and keep you motivated. It can also give you something to look back on and see just what you've accomplished. The photos you take can also help to inspire those around you to live healthier.

When you are feeling hungry, you should try to wait at least fifteen minutes prior to sitting down for a meal. Many times hunger pains may be due to lack of hydration, or perhaps you are simply bored. Take a short walk around the block and drink some cold water. If you are hungry after trying this, you should eat.

Visit your doctor before starting any exercise or new diet. A doctor can tell you if you if you have special needs or if you need to watch out for certain activities. Many people gain weight because of a hormone imbalance. A proper diagnosis by your physician can spare you months of frustration.

A vital component of weight loss is exercise. Aim to partake in some form of physical activity at least three times per week for 40 to 60 minutes every time. Set up a work out schedule, the best times are early in the morning or after work to relieve stress. If you stick to your workouts, you'll see results.

Tell everyone you know about your commitment to lose weight. One useful option is by creating a blog. personal trainer wynwood  You will have a better chance at succeeding if you work hard not to disappoint your readers.

Use these tips to get you started on your weight loss journey. Avoid feeling depressed if results do not happen immediately, as they will indeed require time. Just keep with it. If you stick with your plan, you will lose weight.

How To Be In Fashion Without Really Trying

There are many different fashion combinations that can be made thanks to the number of clothes that exist today. This also creates a problem, as it can be difficult to decide what should be worn for a certain occasion. Luckily, the following fashion tips will give you an idea of how to dress for any situation.

You should always own a black pair of pants in a smooth fabric. You can wear those for a casual occasion if you pair it with a casual top. You can wear the same pair of pants for a more formal occasion if your pair it with a more satin top with sparkly jewelry.

The best fashion tip you can get is to be yourself when it comes to what to wear. People have different opinions about what is fashionable, and you may aspire to be something you're not. The truth is, no matter what your style, you are always in fashion when you remain true to yourself.

Flip-flops are a comfortable type of footwear for casual occasions, but do not wear them to work or in formal situations. Look for classy but comfortable shoes with a low heel to wear to work everyday. High heels should be reserved for formal occasions, especially if you will not need to stand or walk very much.

Add some fun to your wardrobe by wearing pieces with some interesting prints and patterns. You could wear geometric patterned shirts or striped patterned skirts. You could even wear animal print heels or polka-dotted dresses. Whether you desire a classy or an edgy look, you can find a print or pattern to fit your style.

Hats are a great accessory to match any kind of outfit. For men, there are the typical fisherman hats and baseball caps, but for women, the possibilities run much deeper. For instance, you can wear a cute sun hat, floppy hat or beach hat with any casual dress you own.

If you notice your hair frizzing when it is dry, try applying just a little leave-in conditioner from the top to the bottom of your hair follicles. If your hair is very curly, use a serum instead and start around the middle of your hair rather than at the crown. These tactics will help to smooth things out and help you to look your best.

Is it time to update you jeans? Most stores carry a large variety of styles and colors. It can cause you to suffer the paralysis of analysis. Select classic clothing like straight or boot cut jeans. These basics will fit most wardrobes and work well for almost everyone.

Throw away that sweater with the hole in it or those jeans that are barely staying together at the crotch. They may feel like old friends, but if you're spotted in them, you're going to be viewed as the neighborhood bag lady. It's easy to forget that your shirt is stained if you suddenly have to leave the house. Buy and wear clothing that you won't mind being seen in.

When you are at a makeup store, it is vital that you are constantly thinking about what you want your makeups to do for you. This will help you find the right makeup for your style and will help you buy the correct thing. For example, you should consider upcoming events and what is the style you want to portray.

Many people do not understand how to wear a jacket properly, and it makes them look silly. If you are going to sport a jacket, you need to wear it appropriately to look good. You must always remember that the bottom button on the jacket is not meant to be buttoned. This will keep you from committing a fashion mix up.

If your hair looks oily, you can fix it quickly with a little talcum powder or cornstarch. Just pat a little of the powder or cornstarch over the oily parts. Let it sit for about five minutes then brush it out thoroughly with a natural bristle brush. Your hair will look clean and full.

Save your old clothes. Trends and fashions go in cycles, so whatever you are wearing now is likely to have a comeback in ten years or more. Even if you do not think you would ever wear it again then, you might can swap clothes with someone looking for something vintage.

Lace is possible to wear without looking in your lingerie. It is just a matter of what kid of lace apparel you are wearing. If you want to wear a lace dress, be sure your bra is not too noticeable. When wearing a lace skirt, be sure your undergarments are not so visible.

Hopefully after reading the provided fashion tips, you have a better idea of how to dress for an occasion. There are many occasions to dress for, some of them similar and some different. Although there are many clothing combinations that can be made, you can always choose the right ones thanks to this article.

How To Become A Fashion Know It All

Fashion is simple expressing yourself with your clothes and accessories. However, you can get advice from others. Short hairstyles  Read on to learn more about the ins and outs of fashion.

Dress in a way that accurately reflects your age. If you are a young professional woman, do not go to work dressed like someone in their teens. On the other hand, if you are a teenager, do not dress in a style that an older woman would feel comfortable in.

It is not very easy to wear plaid, particularly when you are looking to adopt a look that is softer than you normally have. If you must wear plaid, make sure that you pair it with something that is feminine like skinny jeans or a bag that has ruffles on it.

Skinny jeans are what is in style now. These kinds of jeans are snug around all areas of your body, from you waist and rear end, all the way down to your ankles. The best part of these jeans is that they look good with pretty much any pair of shoes!

Take advantage of the summer fashion season. The summer is the most open season when it comes to fashion. There are very few colors that are frowned upon, and the style options are usually endless. Wear the craziest colors and funkiest styles that you can think of while you can. When it comes to smear fashion, anything is possible.

Do not wear your hair too dark if you have lighter skin and/or lighter eyes. While darker hair looks nice on people that have darker eyes and skin tones, it will only make you look washed out. If you must darken your hair, put some streaks in it in order to brighten them up.

When you are traveling, bring clothing in different shades of neutral colors that you can mix and match with each other. You don't need to fret about clashing colors and you can put together different looks with the few pieces you have. Accessories, such as belts and scarves, can make you look nicer without taking up a lot of space in your luggage.

Keep your clothing after it goes out of style. Clothes come in and out of style very quickly. You can also have them to share with your children for their retro day at school or for Halloween. There are many uses that you will find from the clothes that you keep over the years.

Most people do not know how far beautiful skin can take you in the world of fashion. Your skin condition will have an enormous effect on your overall fashion look. Therefore, it is vital that you maintain your beautiful skin. Then, your skin will complement the beautiful clothes that you wear.

Embrace your imperfections. Although society says that we should all look a certain way, the truth is that our imperfections really make us beautiful. For instance, think of Cindy Crawford and her mole. She just would not look the same without the mole, and it actually makes her a beautiful, unique woman. Everyone has some type of imperfection, even if you can't visibly see it.

Do not feel discouraged if someone has said something about the way you dress. Not everyone has to replicate Hollywood styles perfectly. Fashion is about looking good and confident in whatever you wear and making your own style choices.

If you have a pet, keep that in mind when shopping for clothing. There is nothing more frustrating than putting on that cute little black dress only to end up covered in white cat hair the second you sit on the sofa. Keep pets in mind when choosing clothing colors and fabrics, and avoid the stress.

One great piece of fashion advice is to make sure that you check yourself from all angles before walking out your door. This is important because you do not want to be embarrassed due to either a strange fit, a stain, or leaving a tag on. Have someone else to check for you as well, if possible.

Find clothes that suit you. If you have great legs, show them off with an appropriate dress. Show those legs off with some great high heels and a modestly-cut skirt to look great. Play up your assets.

Lace is possible to wear without looking in your lingerie. It is just a matter of what kid of lace apparel you are wearing. If you want to wear a lace dress, be sure your bra is not too noticeable. When wearing a lace skirt, be sure your undergarments are not so visible.

You might have considered fashion isn't something you are able to work on in the future. However, what you learned in the above article has shown you that it is more about your own sense of style and how you develop it. Take this information to heart, and you will be a fashionista in no time!

Get An Updated Look With These Easy Fashion Tips

Fashion might seem like something that only certain parts of the population really stress over. Mehndi Design  However, the truth is everyone wants to look nice. Regardless of who you are or how fashion savvy you are, there is likely a tip or two in the following paragraphs that help you look your best.

The best fashion tip you can get is to be yourself when it comes to what to wear. People have different opinions about what is fashionable, and you may aspire to be something you're not. The truth is, no matter what your style, you are always in fashion when you remain true to yourself.

Lip gloss is a girl's best friend! There is nothing worse than dry, chapped, uncomfortable-feeling lips. That's where a pretty gloss comes in! Whether you like the super-glossy look or something a little more subdued, lip gloss is a great way to keep your lips looking and feeling their best throughout the day.

You can use nice black jeans with a dress shirt for a great "dressed-up" look. Colored jeans do not work the same way. However, they are great for creating a fun and casual look.

Clumps of makeup are not an attractive look for female. In fact, recent polls taken by men find that the less makeups, the better. This does not mean that you have to avoid makeup altogether; try to use warm tones and put on just one layer of mascara and eyeliner.

Choose your fashion shopping friends wisely. Your friends can make hunting for the newest fashions fun and exciting. But if you bring a friend with a competitive shopping streak, she may tempt you into buying clothes that either don't fit you well or are outside of your budget. Make your decisions on your own time with your needs in mind.

Look at people at malls, school, work, or anywhere to see what people are dressing like. This will be a good way for you to figure out if you really need to improve your fashion sense, or if you are perfectly fine and you look good the way you dress already.

Use many colors when creating an outfit. You do not want every piece to match perfectly, that is not the point of fashion. Instead find ways to create creative color schemes. For example, a purple dress can be matched with yellow, silver, black or green accessories. Just have fun with it.

Give thin hair more volume by applying a small amount of mousse. The more you use, the more likely you are to create a retro look from the 1980's. Adjust the amount of mousse to obtain the look you desire.

You don't have to spend a lot of money to be fashionable. There are many department stores that carry comparable styles to famous designer fashions. Other stores offer high-fashion brands at low prices because they buy over run styles. Another option is getting a sewing machine and recreating your favorite styles.

Good style starts with good basics. A bra which fits properly ensures your body shape looks its best. You should wear your undergarments to support your body and impart a smoother look. There are some great undergarments available to slim you and disguise problems, so you can look great.

If you have "problem" hair, you may be washing it too much. It's not always a good idea to wash your hair daily. When you do this, you strip natural oils and end up with a chemical buildup on your hair. If you must wash your hair daily, use gentle, natural shampoo and conditioner and don't scrub your hair. Just stroke the product through it and let it rinse out gently under warm, running water. Allow your hair to air dry rather than blow-drying.

When you dry your hair, you should just pat or blot it dry with a towel instead of rubbing your hair with a towel. Rubbing tangles and breaks your hair and can even lead to loss of hair. When you are blow-drying your hair, use a low setting and move the blow dryer constantly so that you don't fry one section of hair. Don't hold the blow dryer too close as this can cause harm to your hair and even burn you.

Nowadays, many famous celebrities aim for extremely extravagant or unique looks featuring many layers, the truth is that sometimes, simple is better. Although there is nothing wrong with aiming for a big look, you can sometimes go over the top. A simple black or red dress can sometimes do wonders for your look.

You might only hear certain individuals around you obsess about how they look or the latest fads and styles. However, everyone thinks about their fashion when they look in the mirror in the morning. Keep in mind all that you read here so that you can dress and look your very best.

[nicklesthename]

This entire post is completely inspired by a single image I saw on Pinterest.

Are you KIDDING ME? Are you really going to try and tell people that if they just eat celery and lemon they can replace their diabetes medication? Are you insane? I think single, solitary image drove me to write a whole article about the absolute worst people you will find online. These people go beyond the average troll, doing more than just insulting you or undermining you. These people perpetuate very damaging and dangerous ideas. They should be avoided at all costs.

Self-officiated doctors

This is the person who made the above image. They will claim that their home remedies will cure your incurable disease. The least dangerous of these people are the ones who just use vague terminology to make it seem like they have a miracle cure when really they don’t. That would be like if the above image was referring to only Type 2 diabetes which can be “cured” with a healthy diet and restricting alcohol. However, to get more clicks and attention, they just said “diabetes” instead of specifying, and put two random foods to make you wonder what could lemon and celery possibly do that is so magical to cure diabetes! It’s not honest or kind, but it’s not the most dangerous thing.

What changes the above image from that into true evil, is the part that says “replace your medication.” They are blatantly claiming that whatever their magic recipe is can manage your diabetes better than actual prescribed medicine from a doctor. Not that it can help in addition to the medication, but that you should stop taking your medication and instead use their crap. This is insanely horrible, immoral thing to do and will result in death. If someone goes into a diabetic shock, and then drink lemon and celery water, they will literally die.

  Let me also be clear about something: I am not against natural treatments for some illnesses. Ginger ale always helps my stomach aches and lemon tea feels great on a sore throat. But the fact of the matter is, you cannot cure most illnesses with natural ingredients. Some herbs may help reduce symptoms, changing your diet will generally improve your health, and teas can have an effect on your body, but to claim that a leafy vegetable will completely cure lupus is cruel.

Neurotypical Karen

This is a term I’m borrowing from Tumblr. Neurotypical Karen is a meme that is used when mentally ill people are dismissed or criticized by mentally healthy people. This person is someone who tells you that all you need to do to permanently cure your depression is do yoga and green tea will erase your anxiety. This person is similar to the first, but they go so far as to blame the ill person for their ailment. She says to just stop being all the time and that happiness is a choice, you just have to make it!

This post basically sums up this type of person perfectly. While no one in real life is actually textbook Neurotypical Karen, there are so many people like her. They rush you and criticize you for not making progress how they think you should. They are ignorant but present themselves as mental health professionals. Meanwhile they reject most of the actually medical recovery options, such as medication and professional therapy. Most importantly, they ignore the scientific and anecdotal proof that mental illness is a combination of mental and physical conditions that are beyond the complete control of those affected.

  As with the arm-chair doctors, I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with using these suggestions to assist in your recovery. Natural ingredients and some hobbies can help cope with  mental health. The issue is when these people claim they can completely cure these illnesses instantly, and blame you for doing it wrong when it doesn’t work that way. By all means, start practicing yoga, take up watercolour painting, and buy that smoothie with fresh fruits. But telling people that they are just lazy and selfish for not wanting to do those things is wrong.

Total expert on everything, ever

Sometimes it can be hard to get the facts online. There is no end to the amount of false information. And usually they are easier to see than the truth. Part of that is due to these types of people. They share hard facts without double checking the information, which often leads to spreading lies and ignorance. Sure, they sometimes hit the mark, but that occasional success is almost more dangerous because then you build trust in them as a source and then makes the impact of their not reliable content deeper. This is why it’s important to fact check pretty much everything you read online.

The image above is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. This post is the bane of my existence. I’ve seen multiple people and family members share or reference this stupid image and it’s just not true! These numbers are completely made up and in fact, any money that refugees receive to facilitate their move to Canada has to be paid back, with interest. This is actually a burden on many refugees since this debt can follow them for years. My student loan debt is bad enough and I’m not moving across the globe, possibly leaving my family behind in a war torn country and trying to build a new life. So it’s blatantly not factual that Canadian government is treating their refugees better than their pensioners.

And that is the major problem. This image has a lot of numbers and math. It claims to know the dollar amount being given by the government to each and every refugee and pensioner, with no room for individual circumstance. They are not only stating these as facts, but they seem to back up these claims with numbers. Numbers can be very impressive to the passive Facebook scroller, so they assume it’s legitimate and share it along. But it’s not real at all. It’s just a dangerous, xenophobic message meant to create an us versus them mentality.

When false information is so widely agreed upon, it starts to shape people’s opinions. Not that people need help being pessimistic about accepting refugees, but if you also tell them that they are basically stealing money from the pockets of your grandparents, then you start to truly hate them. And the government for letting them. And it’s this change of opinion that makes Liar Liar so dangerous. Most of these incorrect posts come from a place of political messaging. Whether it’s race or class or gender, usually the information is emotionally-charged. That’s another way they make you less likely to question it: you’re so mad you aren’t thinking straight.

The perfect __________

The perfect mom. The perfect employee. The perfect neighbor. I’m not talking about people who are actually good at those things. I’m talking about those who are always criticizing other people for not being perfect. They must be perfect in order to make all those claims and insults, right? May those without sin cast the first stone, right? Oh wait, no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes and you should give other people a break when they mess up? Yeah that sounds way more realistic.

Apparently there is a Yiddish word for this exact thing. People think that giving advise is always a good thing. That people are inherently asking for your input when they post about their life online. But this is just as rude at blatantly saying to that person “You are a bad mother,” or “You’re a terrible artist.” You may phrase it as “You should be only feeding your children organic food” or “The proportions on your hands are too small.” But that is what that person is going to hear. Even if you think that you’re phrasing the advice in the most considerate way ever, if they didn’t ask for it, you don’t need to give it.

This type of person may not always be dangerous in the “perpetuating harmful ideas and behaviors” kind of way, but they are very threatening to personal self-esteem. Don’t get me wrong, constructive criticism can be an important part of bettering oneself. Without feedback, we can never know what we are doing well and what we should work on. But if all you are getting is unsolicited advice on things you don’t want to be reviewed on, then you are going to become less and less confident in yourself. Also, for a large majority of the time, you don’t know the whole story behind a post on social media. You don’t understand everything that is going on in that person’s life and the reality of their relationships. An example used below is when parenting advice is given. This father had been criticized for taking his children to McDonald’s. He explains that when it comes to children, letting them have the junk food is intensely easier and more placating than anything else you can do for them. In reality, they don’t always have the time to cook dinner or negotiate with their toddler for two hours in order to get them to each the home cooked meal. Not to mention for some families, all they can afford is the drive-thru. Making these assumptions that the parents are just being lazy or negligent is simply unfair.

RIP Trolls

So here is something I didn’t know existed until I was researching for this post. This isn’t just a troll, someone who abuses cap locks and slurs. This is a special kind of demon. These people go onto Facebook and find tribute pages. These are groups or pages that are dedicated to someone who passed away recently. Sometimes they double as awareness for whatever condition the person died too and sometimes they are just a place for people to share their condolences and memories of the deceased. They then flood the page with triggering content, meant to disturb those who are using the page to grieve. I know right? This sounds like absolute madness to me. What kind of monster takes a child dying to gun violence or a husband dying to cancer and throwing it in the face of their friends and family. Why?!

From posting gory images of people dying to writing out evil messages to tear at the hearts of those who cared, these people are very disturbed. Some of them claim that they do this to critique society’s way of publicizing personal matters such as deaths. But that is no excuse for the things these people post. One person commented on a photo of the deceased 14 year old “help me mummy, it’s hot in hell.” On top of that, they posted this on Mother’s Day.

I honestly don’t know what else to say about these people. They take trolling to a new level. And that’s why they are on this list. They can’t settle for just being mean or rude. They need to take someones grief and twist it and crush it. And you can bet that these people wouldn’t ever dream of saying those things to a mourning mother in person. They are cowards who hide behind their computer monitors and keyboards.

On that cheerful note, those are some of the worst people online. Watch out for these people, and for the love of all things good in this world, don’t be them!

      PIN ME:

The Worst People Online This entire post is completely inspired by a single image I saw on Pinterest. Are you KIDDING ME?