#she mellowed when she discovered I had depression and suicidal thoughts

[zeussim]

I used to bar my door with a chair to prevent my mom barging in and yelling at me when I'd left dinner before I was allowed to (often because of an argument). And I was like 'this is normal. This is what parents are like.' No it's fucking not. Or at least they're not supposed to be like that.

[ash5monster01]

Truths of Our Past Part 6

Pairing: Older!Charlie Dalton x FemReader

Warnings: 18+, sex talk, mentions of nudity, mentions of suicide, depression, depressing thoughts, past trauma, facing trauma, romance, understanding, fluff.

Summary: You had met Charlie in University, were married shortly after, and had become accustomed to a beautiful life together. When you receive a wedding invitation to one of Charlie’s previous classmates weddings you discover that Charlie had a dark past, one he had been trying to forget. In the midst of it all you try to help him through it while finding out that he’s not the guy you thought you married at all. Maybe he’s even better.

word count: 2.3k

Part 5 ←→ Part 7

Masterlist

10/8/69

Day 6/8

Thankfully that night you hadn’t gotten drunk enough to be down for the count. You were too busy being proud of Charlie for overcoming and working through his emotions over Neil. By the end of the night it had actually felt like Neil had been at that table with them and you knew that was comforting for Charlie. Tonight you hoped would be the same because he was to go out with the boys for a Bachelor party. If Todd had set aside a seat for Neil at the engagement party he definitely had something up his sleeve for the bachelor party. As for you, it was Ann’s bachelorette party, and you had planned to party like you never had before. Which at the moment was proving to be very successful.

“Chris, you did not!” Ann drunkenly squealed, her blonde hair frizzing from the crown she had to keep adjusting on her head.

“Listen, I have no care about what Todd’s appendages look like but I figured if you were promising yourself to them for the rest of your life I’d at least provide one bound to be good” and Ann blushed firetruck red as the penis shaped cake was placed on the coffee table.

“For your information his appendages are more than fine” and your hands were flying to your ears, eyes squeezed shut, and humming as if to tune her out. You could still hear her giggles though at your reaction.

“Todd is sweet, quiet, innocent Todd. He doesn’t have any appendages” you were telling her, shaking your head, and praying the alcohol buzzing through you would make this conversation go away.

“Oh don’t be such a prude Y/N. You’re with Charlie” Rachel pointed to you and you felt yourself gasp lightly.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” you asked, a giggle bubbling past your lips.

“Oh Charlie loved and breathed sex majority of his life” Chris groaned out and Ann was nodding right beside her.

“Todd told me he was the one to show him his first centerfold” Ann tipped her drink at you and you blushed at the mention of dirty magazines.

“Yes and Knox learned most of how everything works from him” Chris nodded along and Maggie giggled drunkenly from across the room.

“He was legend at Henley Hall, he was too confident. He oozed this personality that had most of us crossing our legs” Rachel informed you and a deep blush rose to your cheeks.

It was fact Charlie was overconfident, charming, and knowledgeable when it came to women. When you had gotten to know him he warmed up to that behavior around you fairly quickly. It was just hearing about how he was legend for these things shocked you considering Neil’s death has mellowed him out, made him so much more unspoken. He was much different from the legend of the kid who got a phone call from God saying they should allow girls at an all boys school.

“You knows girls, Todd once told me Charlie would use red paint to put a lighting bolt on his chest. Something about it being a sign for virility and attracting women” Ann giggled, clearly one too many drinks deep. You on the other hand found this of interest. You actually had never known Charlie had done such a thing, and the thought made you giggle and warm over because now you were missing your husband.

"Please don't hold out on us Y/N. I've been single for so long" Maggie whined after slugging back the rest of her drink and you sighed which to them was an instant sign of you caving to their prying questions.

"Fine, if you must know Charlie is good. Really good" you said hoping that this answer would be enough but the groans and boo's coming from the drunk girls said otherwise.

"Details! We need details" Rachel told you and a deep red hue found it's way to your cheeks because Charlie may not openly talk about his confidence towards women as much as he used to but he sure as hell still had it when it came to the two of you alone.

"Her and Charlie did it two mornings ago" Chris tattled on you and you gasped before chucking a pillow her way just for her to loudly laugh at it.

"In Chris' house! Did you get caught?" Ann inquired and you rolled your eyes at Chris before turning to Ann.

"No we were quiet. I woke up to him kissing my neck and then when we were making out I realized he wanted more. I tried to tell him we could get caught but he promised me we wouldn’t" you said, already feeling like you had shared enough details of your sex life with your friends. Being married to Charlie without kids required a very busy sex life that you weren't used to discussing. Charlie was very hard to turn down, the kind of guy that once you had a taste you couldnt stop. It was no wonder he was such a ladies man, he made sure he knew what he was doing and sometimes you just couldn't get enough.

“Gosh. I don’t think I’ve ever been woken up by a man kissing me” Maggie hummed delightfully, eyes shut and mind buzzing with the idea. The other girls giggled lightly.

“My first kiss with Knox was dizzying” Chris gushed and everyone tuned into her quickly. “I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t quite get him out of my head, I was still with Chet. Then he kissed me and it all just made sense”

“I love love, I wish I could marry Todd every day the rest of my life” Ann grinned widely and Rachel snorted, knowing what it was like to be in love with the Anderson gene.

“No you don’t” Rachel told her and Ann rolled her eyes.

“Todd is much gentler than Jeff, you wouldn’t get it” but the rest of the girls were laughing anyway because they knew pretty soon Ann would be out of the honeymoon phase even with a guy like Todd.

“Alright I’m getting a refill, anyone else?” you asked and the girls all shook their heads, continuing to tease Ann for her minor obsession with her soon to be husband.

As you refilled your drink in the kitchen you tried to remember what the week before your wedding was like. Just like Ann you were head over heels for Charlie, you almost had no room to tease. You had spent that entire week with Chris and college girlfriend drinking and mooning over how lucky you were to have him. It almost felt like a life time ago but it had only been three years ago. You had known the boy six years now and even though six years can be a lot of time it was nothing compared to the forever you vowed to each other. You were still learning things about him, especially now. This town brought out parts of him that he was hiding most of the time.

Before heading back to join the girls in the living room you stopped in the bathroom. Bound to make this trip multiple times tonight with the way you were drinking. As you washed your hands your eyes caught the tube of lipstick left on the counter. More than likely Ann’s but between the alcohol, thoughts of your husband, and the story of Charlie, you found yourself grabbing it. Taking one glance at yourself in the mirror you slowly unbuttoned your blouse before uncapping the lipstick and placing it on your skin. If you knew your husband as well as you thought you did he was going to go nuts when he saw this.

“Hey what took so long?” Rachel inquired as she noticed you come back first.

“Bathroom” you explained before returning to your previous seat and it didn’t take long to notice the deep blush on Maggie’s face and Ann’s not so innocent giggling. “What’d you do?”

“Nothing!” Ann squealed, struggling to stop laughing when she began to defend herself.

“She was telling Maggie in detail the very dirty things she’s done with Todd” Chris tattled and you snorted out a soft laugh, knowing you’d be wearing the same face as Maggie if you had been here.

“Maggie, you do know what single bridesmaids do right?” you found yourself asking and Maggie gave you a confused look, sitting up now safe from Ann’s words.

“No, what do they do?” she asked and you tried to suppress the evil smile on your face into the rim of your drink as you took a sip.

“They get with the single groomsmen” and a gasp was falling out of the innocent brunette girl as the rest of you laughed loudly.

“That can’t be true” but Rachel was shaking her head with amusement, hand landing on her shoulder.

“It is dear, I remember my first single wedding party. I found myself with a man named John Lester, back of the reception hall, tongue down my throat. He always tasted like saltine crackers” and Chris’ face was twisting in disgust over this.

“Lucky for you Mags there is two single groomsmen. You can take your pick” Ann told her and Maggie pouted.

“Not the red head” Maggie said and Rachel gasped loudly.

“What’s wrong with red heads?” she accused, her own red hair and vibrant green eyes shining back at the girl.

“Nothing, he’s just short. The other one though, he’s tall. I like tall” Maggie said and all the girls were laughing again.

“Whatever one you pick they are both lovely people. I’ve know those boys since I was seventeen” Chris was telling her and you nodded right beside her.

“She’s being honest, both are sweethearts. Those boys have a really great friend group” and now you all could tell Maggie was genuinely considering it.

“I’m not making any promises, but we’ll see” and you all were squealing like teenage girls over the prospect of Maggie finding true love with either of the two boys.

You wouldn’t mind coming back together so soon for another wedding. You had come to enjoy and love the group around you. In fact you loved coming to Vermont all the time. The city was big and exciting when you were eighteen and exploring the world on your own for the very first time, but now it was just the city. It was big, noisy, smelly, and full of rude and crowded people. You longed for quiet nights in your shared apartment with Charlie but you longed for a large townhouse surrounded by autumn trees with your kids running through the yard more. You longed for the life Chris had here and you wouldn’t mind being so close to them and having your hand chosen family all in one place together. If you were to end up lucky enough to bear a child you knew deep in your bones you’d come here. The city was no place for a child, it was barely a place for you.

These thoughts stayed with you when the boys had appeared to pick you up. They had gotten Todd sloppily drunk, he has half asleep, arms slung over Knox and Meeks shoulders as they practically dragged him into the house and left him on the couch. Ann seemed to sober up instantly at the sight of him and began to take care of him. You could only smile as you found Charlie and wrapped yourself up in his arms. He smelled of pine and tobacco and you missed him more than ever for some reason. “Let’s get you home Mrs. Dalton”

“Sounds like a plan Mr. Dalton” you hummed back and allowed him to guide you out to the car and back to Chris and Knox’s place for the night. You pretended it was your actual home though, with all the room and smell of nature around you. No footsteps from the upstairs neighbors, just peace.

“Someone got a little drunk huh?” Charlie teased as he eased you down into the bed and you just giggled as his hands slowly grazed up your leg as he went to pull off your shoes.

“Only a little” you told him, toes wiggling as both heels had been removed and he was now dropping his blazer off his shoulders and to the ground. He watched as your hands reached for the buttons of your blouse, fumbling lightly as you struggled to unbutton each one.

“Need help” he smirked devilishly at you and suddenly your fuzzy brain remembered the sticky red symbol laid under your top. It wasn’t hard considering what you imagined cocky teenage Charlie was like, was smirking above you.

“Somehow he always makes it to third base folks” you teased as if you were talking to a crowd and Charlie just grinned as his own steady hands reached to free you from your blouse.

“It’s cause you simply can’t get enough of me doll” he told you and you rolled your eyes despite it being true. Charlie was a drug, one you were addicted too. You figured it would always be that way and you were lucky enough to end up with him.

Once he had the third button undone you knew he had spotted the red mark under your shirt. It was noticeable by the sharp intake of air he sucked in, his hands suddenly moving faster to undo each button and see more of the lighting bolt drawn steadily through your breasts. “Like what you see?”

“Baby” and then his hand was tucking under you, unhooking your bra with one hand like he always did just to impress you. Once both the bra and blouse had been removed you stared back at his blown out eyes, unmoving from you beneath him.

“Say something handsome” you urged and finally a soft smile broke across his face as he dipped down and met his mouth with your own.

“I love you so much” he grinned, a look of awe written all over his face.

“I love you more” you were telling him but he was shaking his head, kissing you hard until you were absolutely dizzy.

“That is absolutely not possible”

[newhologram]

New’s Atlas Subluxation and chronic illness timeline

It’s in my nature at this point to document things and it’s smart to keep track of my healing post-procedure anyway, so I might as well make a timeline here and share the experience as usual :p 

Feel free to ask any questions, it doesn’t bother me at all. We need to let patients be teachers too, I think. 

So here is my atlas subluxation and chronic illness timeline with backstory leading up to the procedure before it gets super specific with dates. I will try to update this during my healing as much as I can to document changes. I’m putting lots of links to posts where I talk about things as well, but you can also go into these tags on my blog to find more information: #personal #atlas subluxation #fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #invisible illness #narcolepsy #ulcerative colitis  1.16.17 Posted with info up until this day. 4.12.17 3 month update!

1989: Born December 29th at a 3 1/2 lbs. Taken out prematurely because there was a complication with the umbilical cord and I was no longer growing. I had to stay in an incubator for 11 days until I weighed enough to go home, which was 5 1/2 lbs. It’s unclear whether or not the subluxation was present after birth; it’s possibly that I could’ve been pulled out in a way that caused it, but we have the next event as a definite marker for when things started getting worse. 

Summer of 1996, age 6: While playing with sister I accidentally fractured my collar bone. I went up into the air, I remember seeing the ceiling coming closer, and then I fell straight down onto my back pretty hard. I cried and cried and said over and over again, “I broke something, I broke something” until they took me to the hospital. I vividly remember how I shook when they put me on the table to x-ray me. The doctor cheered me up by pointing out the gas in my chest. But basically they were like yep, there’s a fracture right there. And they sent me home with a sling. I remember that it had dinosaurs on it and it made me happy.

1996~2000, age 6 to 10: Always sick. Daily stomach aches, digestive issues leading to restrictive diet, nausea, back pain, bad posture, fatigue, insomnia, nightmares, sleepwalking, always cold, chronic bronchitis, hypersensitivity to stimulus like sound, light, color, taste, smell, temperature, and even experiences whether positive or negative, auditory processing disorder making it hard to understand what people said, problems with being “too excitable” and having intense reactions to rejection which was hard because I was constantly bullied and controlled by peers for being “weird” and “different”. I struggled in most subjects, but especially math, and I could never really handwrite properly, even to this day. School in general was just very hard because I never felt well and couldn’t keep up with others. Crying on the floor meltdowns whenever there are loud sports games or if a friend goes home early from a sleepover or if a parent gets mad at me (or I think they are). These meltdowns persisted into adulthood. I was always just called dramatic for them.

2001~2009, age 11 to 19: Middleschool and highschool were even harder. I struggled in most classes except for creative ones. Health problems persisted: first sleep paralysis with hallucations episode at age 12 or 13 and often had episodes after school that would eat up my early evening and wear me out mentally, still had problems with bronchitis, ovarian cyst caused me a lot of pain and missed classes, then I started having even worse digestive problems. By age 15 I had my first upper endoscopy and colonoscopy where they discovered ulcers in my esophagus, stomach, and intestines. Feelings of isolation, unable to feel like I could connect with people, noticeable depression, loneliness. First vomiting panic attack at age 17. At 19 did a homestay in Japan; an amazing experience but made difficult by vomiting, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety leaving the house and exploring by myself and freaking out when I got lost.

2010~2016, age 20-26: Health problems begin to worsen in early adulthood. Age 21: I’m vomiting a few times a week and having a ton of other problems, diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sleep and fatigue problems making it hard to work at my retail job especially while I’m in college. Age 23: suddenly the sleep paralysis and insomnia are impossible to manage and I go several months with very little sleep, getting worse and worse, every day having looong hard sleep paralysis episodes that leave me with horrible headaches and slurring like I’m drunk. I still go to auditions and work jobs I book as best as I can but get a narcolepsy diagnosis after a long process of sleep study and being yanked around by insurance not letting me actually see the neurologist for my diagnosis. Depression is getting to the point where it almost paralyzes me but I do my best. Health problems cause fights with family. Age 24: not long after the narcolepsy diagnosis: the pain and fatigue become excessive and debilitating and I get the fibromyalgia diagnosis. Condition worsens and worsens, a bump forms on my upper spine that causes horrific pain and distress. 2014 I’m in the ER/urgent care 4 times because the pain makes it unable to rest or stop vomiting for days on end (the most being 6 days where I lost 12lbs). I go to an Ayurvedic healing center because the doctors were useless. There is some improvement but I still struggle, at least I had a lot of good coping tools to keep myself a live, if only barely at times. In bed most days in horrible pain and exhausted by simple things such as getting up to use the restroom. Depression is horrible and a cloud of suicidal urges hang over me for almost 2 years because I feel like a failure who is ruining my family’s happiness by being sick and I feel an intense hatred for myself. I try to work a very mellow part time job at a perfumery but the pain makes it too hard and I’m eventually let go.   Age 25: Depression persists but I force myself to start doing background TV/film work on a weekly basis. Making money helps calm me but it’s incredibly difficult with my health problems and I often vomit on set from fatigue and pain. I start seeing a chiropractor to help alleviate the pain and depression. It helps but I have to see him twice a week at first, then once, then every other week, but during a flare up it’s back to once a week. I also start seeing an acupuncturist which helps with organ function and eases some symptoms but I still have to see her regularly and the expenses add up and cause more problems with my family since I’m barely able to afford them on my own.  Age 26: I get a part time job in retail to help supplement me while I do background work. With the skills I learned I’m able to manage things but I still suffer a lot every day and don’t sleep well because of the pain. Later in the year I stop doing bg work and get an additional part time job. I had accepted long ago that I would be in pain for the rest of my life and that all these tiny minimum wage paychecks I worked so hard through agony for would just go straight into managing my symptoms. I accepted that by age 45 I might be bedridden but at least I was doing my best now in my 20′s and I needed to accept whatever time my body had on this planet and do my best to be a source of light for others going through the same thing.

Starting the week of the December 18th, 2016, I have a lot of work days in a row and I’m slammed with auditions. It’s getting colder and colder, my pain is higher, I don’t have much time to rest. By Christmas Eve I’m in bed all the day with only short sporadic moments up to pee or try to soothe the depression with an activity. It’s so bad I can barely last 20 minutes at times before I have to stumble back to bed green in the face and weak.

This flare up continued until Wednesday, January 11th, 2017. 25 days of high pain and fatigue levels and going a few weeks only able to eat yogurt and a few crackers with one or two proper meals a week if I can. Lots of throwing up, usually two nights in a row, maybe a little break, and then back to it, just horrible persistent deep nausea. This is why I got down to 103lbs. Oops.

So, here’s where the timeline of atlas subluxation discovery and treatment starts:

12.18.16 ~ 1.11.17: Flare up from hell that wouldn’t end. It was suddenly back to the intense high levels I had back in 2014 when I didn’t know all these pain management techniques. Naturally, I was terrified and used every possible coping technique possible to get through it. Since it was so high I was just. Hoo. Each day was a rollercoaster. The pain gives me hella moodswings. Zip, zip, had to just keep it zipped as much as I could so I didn’t look like an asshole. If I had to work one shift I basically had to make sure I didn’t do ANYTHING beforehand to save those spoons and keep the pain from spiking, but I didn’t want to pass up auditions so I forced myself to a few. The pain got so bad I couldn’t even sit up in bed most nights. Missed a lot of work. Had to meditate like crazy to keep positive thoughts in the front of my brain but it was very difficult.

1.5.17: Barely clinging to positivity but trying my best, since I’m always in bed I work up the strength with a LOT of rest and pain management to play a little Pokemon. Meanwhile I’m trying to work on gross crunchy calcium in the back of my neck (yeah, it’s nasty) and this huge chunk comes off inside my neck, like just... a crunchy chip floating in there that I could move and scrape against my neck

UM. I YELLED and immediately posted about it and freaked out because by googling “hard crunchy back of neck floating” I discovered atlas subluxation. http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/155495266822/atlas-orthogonal-changed-my-life-migraines

1.6.17: Appointment with primary care physician to update her on my rapidly worsening condition and talk to her about atlas subluxation. She got flustered and was saying, “this isn’t something the healthcare system considers as treatment” and I was like WHY and at this point I was done being pushed around and I said many times, “Sorry, I just need you to hear everything that I’m saying” as I went over this whole page of notes I made for her about how this procedure could give me my life back. I lamb’d her into submission in order to get her to write several referrals to try to find someone. All she could do was refer me to the bone doctor and the neurologist.

GUYS IT’S LITERALLY LIKE, oh, your brain and body are breaking down because this one bone might be out of place? It’s that simple and obvious and we can find it in x-rays easily if we know what we’re looking for and there are already specialists who do this specific adjustment around the world?

Hmm... nahhh... nah... don’t even check there. Just treat this girl’s depression and pain with drugs FIRST, before we determine that it’s the organs themselves with the deficiency. We’ll just try that and see what happens, $50 please. I have been on 3 different depression/anxiety meds, zofran, xanax, ativan, tramadol, various colon steroids?? Just a ton of crap.

Even knowing I will need to pay an atlas doc out of pocket, I get so depressed that I can’t even bring myself to make a phone call for an appointment. 

1.11.17: Crying and screaming level of pain, very weak, depression so intense all I could think while obviously very, very ill was “I’m the worst/I should die/I’m just a problem/I’m ruining my dad’s life/I’m an unreliable loser and all my coworkers and employers think I’m lazy and dumb/no one likes me because I’m too weird and always sick” etc etc. My dad almost took me to the hospital because the pain was just way too intense and making me lose my shit. 

1.12.17, day of procedure: In the morning my dad called me and suggested we just do it, just call one of those specialists. I was in no state to make phone calls so he did it for me. He picked the closest one and called her. He said, “my daughter has fibromyalgia and she’s in bad shape” and the doctor said we could come in that day.

My post after the adjustment describing the experience with photos Even walking is different Other details about the visit Brain activity is high at bedtime but I can feel my body 1.13.17, day after procedure: Wake up sharp at 8am, do yoga. Got some pretty intense back and neck pains and fatigue but it’s different. I feel sore and aching like my body is letting go after holding onto something for a long time. I have an appetite.  Talking about how this is the first doctor I’ve ever met who was just so confident in her ability to help me instead of shrugging and giving me drugs Reeling because everything is making so much sense and how our medical system is awful Prophetic dream? 1.14.17, day 2: Went to school, had fun because I could think properly. My dad took me to do errands after. I got really tired and had pain but it was still very different. We picked up some suggestions the doc gave me to help my body during the healing process. Thinking about how crazy it is that my body is going to be slowly adjusting and healing over the next year or so More thoughts as I feel my body change and think about what lead up to all this Hope and healing Already seeing a drastic change in sleep

1.15.17, day 3: Back to work at my retail job. Kind of difficult because I’m under strict orders from the doctor not to lift more than 5lbs as not to make my atlas go back out of whack. Lots of pain and fatigue by noon from having to use my body so much. But brain is still sharp, having fun with customers.  On my break I start looking up atlas subluxation and how it affects a child’s brain development since I realize that this means that I grew up with a compressed brain stem. Unfamiliar feeling of peace and calm Sad thoughts remembering my childhood Suspicious of the medical system not recognizing this A thank you to friends and followers during this hugely important time

1.16.17, day 4: Day off. Pain levels got pretty high so I did my best to rest a lot. I was too tired to play more than a little video games.  Noticing I look different in pictures Anon asks if the bump on my spine is gone More research, ebook with alarming symptoms that match mine Exposing a secret Text post talking about the pain and family members looking into this now/ Meant to be Stepping stones Having another look at my MRI More info 1.17.17, day 5: Very tired. Slept in until 9am, managed to do 5 pushups, yoga, and some light hula hooping. Had a good breakfast and got about an hour of editing done by 11:30 before I was just way too tired, so I napped until a little after 1 and had a small lunch. The pain wasn’t so bad, it was mostly fatigue. I ended up needing another 30 minute nap before I went to work. I felt kind of depressed but I’m not sure if it’s because of my worry about work. I worked today and I have to work tomorrow, I’m just worried 2 days in a row will be rough like it usually is. I still really wish I could just take time off completely and not force myself through these shifts. But I don’t want to lose my jobs. :( We’ll see. Epic upper body spasm while trying to make a snack 1.18.17, day 6: I slept really well despite waking up randomly at 3. I felt calm and warm without my heated blanket on for awhile, and fell back asleep easily. I ate a really good breakfast and lunch and work wasn’t too bad. I’m still very sore and aching, and having to move around so much definitely doesn’t help that. My mood was back up again, but I do feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed by all this information. I’m feeling anger and the urge to call my primary care doctor and ask her how she can even call herself a doctor.  Wondering what differences my acupuncturist will notice Crooked glasses no crooked atlas yes Sharper brain at work Frustration and wondering how much worse I would’ve gotten Positivity is important but it doesn’t fix a spine by itself Happy to have answers but feeling a lot of sadness 1.19.17, day 7 and my follow up with the atlas orthogonal doctor: Follow up post here with “after” x-ray pics Thoughts on Snapchat Ashwagandha Lots of fatigue and also depressive mood swings keeping me in bed.  1.20.17, day 8: Fun day out with a friend, very much needed. She got me a gemstone for spinal alignment! Pain wasn’t too bad all day and by 5pm I was getting tired. VERY squirmy feelings. 

Atlas noise is grossing me out Dear my body Reflection on my experience in the crystal store and how life has been the past 4 years being so sick Thinking about a classmate saying something kind of inappropriate 1.21.17, day 9: Bad depression and fatigue. Missed school and had a really rough time at work. 1.22.17, day 10: Mood improved a lot, felt okay at work and had a good massage. Super hungry.  Sat at my desk for so long! But also so much wiggliness that I hate 

1.23.17, day 11: I felt good so I vlogged a lot! I pushed it a little and had to rest a lot after though, oops. 

Pain is high at bedtime, I need some kind of memory foam pillow 1.24.17, day 12: Acupuncture appointment went well, she was pretty amazed. Worked, pain came and went. Felt energetic. Even played OW when I got home. Depression is coming in smaller waves now but they’re still strong and can knock me over. Answering an ask about x-rays Another ask about fixing the atlas yourself Depression coping tips

1.25.17, day 13: A lot of depression first half of the day. It got better once I got to work. Pain got up there at night but I managed to get some OW in. Forgot to buy spicy patches but I have a new magnesium oil spray.

Brain reprogramming

1.26.17, day 14: Went to the market by myself and regretted it because I ended up in bad pain by 11am. Didn’t get much done the whole day, slept on and off like a toddler. 

Thoughts on growing up Spoonie snaps: food and owies Night sweats pretty much gone 1.27.17, day 15: Another day of lots of pain and fatigue, but I managed to do a little bit and play some games. The impact of choosing not to suffer in silence Fatigue depression

2.6.17, day... omg idfk! I’ve been so wiped out I haven’t had the energy to sit at my desk and keep this updated. 

Basically, things have still been a wild ride. I had a little over a week of high pain levels and fatigue but thankfully no vomiting, but looots of depression and badbrain. I’ve been doing my best to manage everything and stay on top of my self-care routine as usual. Each day is different and things are changing little by little. 

Since so many of my updates/thoughts are in text posts I’ll just link them like I was already doing. 

1.28.17 Chronic pain problem of trying to time medicating

1.29.17 I feel like I’m not allowed to rest One day I’ll be big and strong Recent snaps of pain management and finding comfort in cats and facemasks

1.30.17 PMS messing me up and such

1.31.17 Before and after x-rays and thoughts about my MRIs Got an adjustment at my regular chiro and it went great

2.1.17 Recent snaps of special spine pillow and such Missing gaming because too much pain ;(

2.2.17 Vlog teaser: working on medical marijuana vlogs! Advice for an anon Relating to a follower about overstimulation caused by a new pain

2.3.17 Spoonie actor visibility Snapchat story Heard back from the MyStrength people Intense flare with bad spine and rib pain and fever

2.4.17 Vlog about getting my handicap parking placard

2.5.17 Tonsil stones ; ; Morning depression Spoonies, Stay (about spoonie suicide) Intrusive thoughts, healing is painful, and on being a late bloomer

3.14.17

Time has gotten away from me. It’s hard to keep track of things. I’m having good days but more bad days. Lots of swelling in my upper neck now. Video here to show how big it gets http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/158336271242/this-is-what-i-mean-when-i-say-ow-my-upper-spine possibly because I didn’t rest and stuff, chiro had to do a lot

Depression was pretty bad too. And there’s been a huge weather change. It’s possibly that’s related to my flare up. Feeling hopeless.

Frustration at being told I’m lucky to be so skinny when I am skinny because of health problems Going to school in pain and realizing other people don’t have any idea what this is like  Spine pain feels like spine is moving slowly, like braces on teeth Feeling pressured to work when my body is not well I wish I’d known it’s not normal Bad pain, acupuncture, experimenting with oils Threw up for the first time since January  Being happy isn’t only for the neurotypical ER doctors hate us Malingering, teachers thinking I was faking Low spoons from having to keep up with people who have near infinite spoons

March got better towards the end with more frequent massage and me getting very serious about my Ayurveda self-care routine. Yoga deep stretch 2x a day, strict rest breaks, lots of ashwagandha, etc. Sleep became difficult again, both at night and during the day. 

Neurological tics and SP Spine spoonie end of March Appreciate the time a spoonie gives you Emotional detox the past 4 years Low pain day despite stress and activity ?? didn’t have to medicate until 9pm Ashwagandha powder feeling changes Two days in a row of low pain and good brain function Survival is anything but typical More ashwa goodness Glass half full Suddenly back to being in bed most of the day Medical records showing just how incompetent my old docs were What does it mean to be strong? Spine swelling stealing my days I want a spinal implant Spoonies are always performing Losing friends when you get sick

Sesame oil and hot/cold pack life New vape cartridge for spine pain relief! Golden milk with ashwagandha every night!

Had a very busy week even with low pain days and got worn out after 6 days, high pain, but still great mood. I felt very positive and optimistic. Reality felt very strange with low pain. But I was back to my usual struggle the next week. 

I still feel very much like the only way people will take my health seriously is if I push myself into collapsing. Also spine is so noisy when I do my yoga. I got my tax return and I’m so thankful because I was able to stock up on pain relief products! But I’m still kinda worried about the neurological symptoms I’m having.

 I saw my new doctor and was really surprised.

4.12.17 3 month update and thoughts.

[kurlykayaker]

pandemic changes you

It’s funny the last time I made an entry on here - I was apprehensive about the change coming my way- navigating a new city in Illinois, starting my final clinical experience...leaving a lot of people, routine, and familiar places in Athens, Ohio.  I didn’t think that anything would keep me from returning there... Until, the most recent events of COVID-19.  At first, the hospital in January that I was at - staff would make mention of it, but nothing extravagant.  Then, by the end of February, all “immunocomprised and pregnant” students were advised to tell their school and clinical site coordinators.  The next step they took was limiting all PPE to therapists - and not students, which made sense.  THEN, all students’ clinicals were discontinued. For the next few days, time was frozen for me - almost physically and mentally.  Thoughts slowly circulated in my mind,... “Was I going to graduate in time - despite my clinical being canceled?” “Where would I go?” “Just, how *bad* is this virus?” “And good Lord, do I have the energy to pack my car?” My thoughts remained frozen in reality - while I slept enormous amounts of durations - and sipped on mixed margaritas at times. I didn’t want to face the music. I didn’t want to contemplate the reality.  I thought, “What could I REALLY do anyway?” As the next few days passed, I discovered why I couldn’t face the music, why I couldn’t answer my own questions, and - some questions were answered for me. I started to “respond” more healthfully by making to-do lists of things I wanted to accomplish over the uncertain amount of quarantine.   Within 2-3 days, I discovered I would indeed pass my clinical - and not need to make up any time.  I debated consistently between returning to Athens, OH and the offer my brother provided to live with him and his wife in St. Louis, MO. I wanted to go back to work at the local hospital in Athens - or Kroger, where I heard they were hiring.  “Work part time and study,” I told myself. My mother called me Saturday morning - I was still in bed, a bit of a stupor.  I didn’t want to face that fucking music.  Her tone grew more serious - she was playing the politician with me- and wanted me to understand her perspective; then, she cried- openly messfully cried - her own words pouring out as quick as her tears - making known her fears. She wanted me close - she wanted me near - in case something were to happen; but, she understood my desire to serve, to help, and be in my familiar zone.   We had crossed a bridge together - during that moment.  I saw the nature of her soil on her farmland - and she saw mine.  My stomach dropped - I dreaded the idea of never seeing my family again - especially my only biological parent alive, aka my mom. I also dreaded the idea of giving up my 120% degree of independence - having an apartment completely to myself - being able to do “whatever I want, whenever I wanted to do it” - pretty much. There WAS...the factor of feeling alone, but truth be told - I haven’t always felt super close to my family.  I have moments where I do, and I have moments where I don’t.  Some of my family continues to believe that our current president has the best interests of LGBTQ people in mind - as well as the general well being of country during this crisis (aka meaning our actual pulse, not the stock market). I’ve strayed from my point here...for instance, right now - it’s 2:10 am and I’m writing--about how I feel.  My room is far away enough right now - that I’m not waking my brother and his wife.  Yes, you’ve made it far enough to realize I ended up coming to STL.  It is a very weird feeling to have carved the kind of person you want to be in the most imperfect way - and to return to your native roots (be it physical or a presence of other people) and feel bewildered / as if you’re stagnant/backtracking. When my conversation ended with my mom, I had a flashback of the previous night - me in my bed, watching some dirty porn, and taking care of matters - completely comfortable in my bed - no need to worry about modesty, sound, etc. The feeling of being completely comfortable - in my skin - no need to worry about a knock at the door, an interruption, or being “seen.”  Something in my gut told me... I wouldn’t have a sacred moment like that for awhile... Little did I know, the packing would begin shortly.  I packed my whole apartment in less than 3-4 hours - most of it fitting into my small Toyota Corolla.  Graciously and thankfully, my brother sort of self-volunteered to drive his SUV the 3 hour trek, see my “place,” and help pack the rest (mostly food).  I returned my keys to the security staff at the hospital - in the ED entrance.  I couldn’t help but wish to be driving to a different ED entrance - in Ohio, the one I had worked at for nearly 7 years. I find myself sitting in a room - that is bigger than all the rooms I’ve previously had in the last 6 years in Athens, Ohio.  Well equipped with a Keurig coffee maker, microwave, and fridge.  Internet that puts my other connections to shame.  A brother and his wife who share meals with me, and provide quality conversation and interaction.  Two dogs that are too cute for their own good.  A suburban environment full of families and small dogs - and lots of white people. I’ve discovered the longest walking path - safe from cars - and I can make it last an hour if I walk slower (with the dogs).  My walks provide me with not only physical activity, and a change of scenery - but mental peace and sanity. I can only look at a screen or be in the same setting for so long.   The last time I lived in a suburban environment was high school. The last time I lived with my brother- was before I decided to return to school,    pre-transition, and I was very lost - depressed even.    Passively suicidal. Today, I gathered the dogs together for a long walk - my brother being on a     conference call.  The dogs anticipate the walk and are noisy.    One look - one shitty scornful look from my brother, and it’s all I need    to remember how I was always the “weird” kid growing up,       easily picked on. Moments, I prefer not to live again. Memories that are painful. A scar that is no longer keloid, and I’d prefer to keep it healed.   Returning to these moments only bring more pain. When my brother saw my apartment (that the hospital owns), he suggested taking pictures. “You’ll want to remember this place when you look back - years from now.”  My mother said a similar thing, “I can’t believe you lived there for so long (only 3 months?); you’re so resilient.”  I laugh.  I just laughed.  I think of all the rain storms I’ve endured in a boat, or while hiking.  I think of the great poops I’ve had in nature. The roots I’ve slept on - because I let my campers sleep on more comfortable ground. The apartment represented independence to me - despite its somewhat dreary appearance - and at an incredible ,affordable price.  I was grateful.  I enjoyed the living environment and setup; it fit great for me.  And, I was within walking distance to my internship. Reflecting, I know I have MUCH to be grateful for despite the nature of this post. I’m grateful to have my family so close to me.  I’m grateful that they care for me and love me.  I’m very aware and grateful that my oldest brother and his wife are willing to let me stay in their abode - until the pandemic calms down (praying and hoping); it is no small thing - especially as they both are working from home 5 days/week.  They too themselves are very independent -and don’t need help with a lot of tasks around the house.  Walking the dogs, they have told me is the biggest thing I can do to help. However, as positive aspects of social media have pointed out - we all will “grieve” some (or a lot) - grieve for our previous rituals, our ability to leave the home and go places as we desired, our ability to socialize physically...have gatherings.   We will grieve and experience growing pains of a “new normal” - which I’m still working into (day 11?). Most of my initial questions were answered, minus one. “How bad will this COVID-19 get?”      We don’t know - yet.  We must wait, be patient, and hopeful...and see. I’m friends with many healthcare workers who are active in the field now- and I see/read/hear A LOT.  While I think we could have been more prepared, I hope that our country can continue to respond, take the appropriate measures, - as we see at least a decline in rising numbers / or consistency with where we are. This “new normal” is such a balance- a balance, because all the things that *were once* important to you - you have to work through, you have to make a mental note of “damn, i miss x” - and allow yourself to feel that, and then not hold guilt/anger/a grudge in your heart.  And if you’re like me, and you’re an explorer of life (and love small details), this will take time.  This will be hard.  AND then, you have to get back on the teeter totter (balance analogy), and recognize that you’re here...you’re present, you’re alive, and hopefully, you are well - including your family members.   Balance- because our first world grieving of - “missing coffee shops” = x for me, but then also being SO grateful and humbled by still being alive - and able to experience each day. Apart of navigating the new normal includes - finding ways and methods to express what I’m feeling.  I’ve always been an emotional guy, but graduate school has “mellowed” my emotional side out because I’ve always had a mental focus or place to direct my energy.  Many of us thrive on structure in this western country; that structure can be so good and so healthy, and empowering - but not if you don’t allow yourself to grieve, and feel what you need to feel. So, I will continue to ask myself, “What are you feeling today?” / “Did I allow myself to feel today?” “What did I accomplish today?” “What did I do today - to allow myself to be human?”  (i.e. sleep in,     eat dessert, jerk off, binge watch Netflix, call a friend, etc.)