#she was expecting Bro Strider

[exaltior-a]

Father like daughter, Mother like son

[thewertsearch]

Anonymous asked: just read through your entire liveblog and wow. what a place to catch up. do you have any predictions about what the postscratch versions of the guardians will be? what about the guardian versions of the kids?

So.

Mom Lalonde, Grandpa Harley, Nanna Egbert, and Bro Strider, reborn as the story's protagonists, and thrust into a Playerdom I never expected them to bear. The consequences of this reveal are likely to kick in on the very next page - and since that's a page I'm clicking on tonight, this is my last chance for some blind speculation.

There are an absolute mountain of angles I could potentially cover here, and it's impossible to address all the implications of this twist, so I'm just going to touch on a few key questions that Act 6 will need to answer sooner rather than later.

Without further ado, let's dive into our first question.

Who, exactly, is raising these kids?

The simplest solution, of course, would be a one-to-one exchange between each Player and their Guardian. That certainly seems to be the case for Jade and Grandpa, who have been directly swapped. This would imply that Rose raised Mom, Dave raised Bro, and John might have raised Nanna. (More on that later.)

Still, that's not the only possibility. There's no reason why Dave couldn't raise the adolescent Mom instead, for example, with Rose adopting the younger Bro in his stead. That particular configuration has a lot of character potential, actually, because Bro Lalonde would undoubtedly be an unholy terror, and Mom Strider might just be one of the coolest characters I've ever conceived of.

This aesthetic, with those shades? Come on.

...all that said, though, I'm fairly sure we are just getting a one-to-one swap. That's how it appears to have worked for the trolls, and the one post-Scratch Player with a confirmed Guardian already matches this pattern.

Plus, swapping the kids with their own parents is just so interesting, on a character level, as it'd add a whole new dimension of analysis to the fucked-up relationships between Bro & Dave, Mom & Rose, and Grandpa & Jade.

Seeing how they all treat each other, now that the roles have been reversed, would be incredibly illuminating, and might shed some light on the thought processes of the pre-Scratched Guardians, as they were raising their own respective charges.

Anyway - now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about each individual family.

The Egberts

Astute readers will notice that I only mentioned the Guardian-Player parallels for three of our Players above - and that's because when it comes to the fourth, there's a slight complication.

Namely, Dad Egbert no longer exists.

This means that Nanna's home life can't parallel John's, because the man who raised John was never even born. It's possible, then, that John will simply raise Nanna himself, as her grandfather.

Honestly, that's the scenario I'm hoping for, here. Out of our four original Players, I think that John would be the best parent by far - he's sweet, resilient, and has a natural talent for nurturing the positive qualities of the people he loves. If a baby lands in his backyard, he's going to rise to the challenge, octogenarianism be damned.

...now, here's where I'd speculate a little about Nanna's personality, but she's the one post-Scratch Player I can't really get a bead on. We only ever interacted with her Spritesona, whose personality was obviously corrupted by the presence of the jester doll.

As a result, I don't really have a clue what Nanna will be like. The only thing I'm sure about, if John's the one raising her, is that she'll be loved.

The Striders

First of all, I have faith in Dave.

I think he's more or less guaranteed to be a better Guardian than his brother ever was. Granted, I don't think Dave would be particularly paternal, but I also think he'll be able to refrain from beating Bro's ass with a puppet, which is progress.

I think Dave would be a laissez-faire type of guardian, who allows the younger Bro a lot more agency and autonomy than other kids his age, but also struggles to be the adult in the room when his kid needs guidance. He's not going to be as traumatized as his younger self, but I bet it's still borderline impossible to have a serious conversation with him. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Kid Bro turned out to be the more mature of the pair.

In a nutshell, Dave was born to be a cool uncle, but was forced unwittingly into a parental role instead. He's doing his best.

Quite frankly, I'm very worried about Kid Bro.

If we assume that every Paradox Clone keeps the same Veil item as last time - and there's no reason why they wouldn't - then Bro will be coming down with Lil' Cal, the cursed puppet created by Gamzee's Chucklevoodoos.

I'm still convinced that long-term exposure to this abomination was the main reason Bro was so batshit insane, and while the younger Bro won't have been around it for quite as long, he'll still have thirteen years of an evil Juggalo's Rage miasma being beamed into his brain.

I think Kid Bro will be a little batshit, but not completely batshit. We'll see a child with the potential to become the deranged ventriloquist who tormented Dave, but one who can still be saved, if we can just get that hell puppet away from him.

Separated from Cal, I still think Bro will be a memelord, and I'm sure not all his interests came from the puppet. I think this guy was always destined to be a pretty bizarre dude - but with luck, this iteration of him will be a little more pleasant to be around.

The Lalondes

Rose... could go either way, honestly.

Just like Dave, I don't think she's the type who'd willingly choose to be a parent. Rose doesn't want a baby, she wants a library full of cursed tomes, a coven of witches to scheme with, and to live in an enormous gothic castle with her wife, Kanaya Maryam. Her ideal lifestyle couldn't handle a kid, and I think she's self-aware enough to know that, and adopt a hundred mutant kittens instead.

That said... if she had to raise a daughter, I think she'd try her best to do right by the girl. I think some part of her would absolutely resent the fact that she's a background character in someone else's life - especially if, like the Sufferer, she remembers being a Player - but she'd do everything she could to keep that resentment to herself.

Rose would be an alright mother. A little cold, maybe, and more than a little distant, but she'd still love her Roxy.

As for Roxy, I can only assume she's a gigantic fucking badass. Even among the Guardians, her barehanded combat feats were always astounding, and I think she and Kid Bro will be the primary combatants of their session.

I also think she'll be one of the most analytical, scientifically-minded Players we've ever seen. Her adult self was experimenting with Ectobiology even outside of Sburb, which suggests to me an intense curiosity about how all this shit works, which isn't present in most of our other heroes. Like Rose, she'll be a researcher, and maybe even a Seer - but while Rose searched for the truth via magic and mysticism, Roxy's research will be entirely scientific.

Honestly, the most exciting thing about finally meeting Roxy is the milestone it'll represent. I'll finally, finally have encountered every character I knew about prior to starting the comic.

The Harleys

Grandma Jade was still the Witch of Space, and was clearly aware of that fact.

This tells us that:

John, Rose and Dave also retained their Titles, even if they don't know it.

Grandma Jade was probably aware of Sburb and its secrets, especially if she was living near the Frog Temple.

Grandma Jade was the Witch of Space. She's gone.

...and I have a theory about what happened to her.

I think that when Grandpa was a baby, Jade travelled to Anachronism Island, just like her predecessor did - but this time around, it wasn't Bec who greeted her at the Temple.

No, I think Jade had a fatal encounter with the new First Guardian of Earth - a corrupted First Guardian, spliced with the same HONK code that created Scratch. Kid Grandpa clearly survived whatever happened next, and I think it's horribly plausible that the new First Guardian is a pseudo-Guardian to him, the same way Becquerel was to Jade.

In other words, this kid might be completely compromised, manipulated by English's servant since infancy. Let's not forget that he's the one who suggested making the bunny to Jade, which is the reason Jack was able to ascend in the first place...

...but someone suggested it to him, first.

Anyway, those are my high-level thoughts about the new timeline's key players. We'll be starting Act 6 in an hour or so, and I've got a feeling that we're about to see Nanna standing in a very familiar room.

After all, it just so happens that today...

[insertcannibalismmetaphorhere]

Theres something to be said about how the beta kids’ upbringings are addressed… yet again, homestuck finds a way to make itself larger on the inside; to put details which in any other piece of m edia would be explained in detail- or at least be considered of importance to the story-in a kind of. Schroedinger’s box.(John is afforded the most leeway with this, at least so far as I’ve noticed it.)

Jade managed to survive a virtually impossible situation, from the time her grandfather died and onward. Especially considering her narcolepsy? Its an outright miracle she made it through. But we as the audience aren’t really supposed to believe that jade simply put to use her survival skills and worked hard to survive. She didn’t fall asleep in inconvenient places and narrowly escape. The time between her childhood and the beginning of the comic neither happened nor didn’t happen.

When we see Dave in his house full of smuppets with his fridge filled with swords, and we hear him explain that bro does not feed him (and presumably never has) it contradicts with a (under normal circumstances) immutable fact of the world: that people need to eat. We know that dave has made it this far because of…? something. But it’s not exactly expected of the audience to fill in what exactly Dave’s been doing. He doesn’t have a neighbor who’s happy to feed him. He doesn’t make the most of school lunch. Functionally, (and excluding bro) not a single other person lives in the whole of Texas! And even if they did, Dave- who FELL FROM THE SKY ON A METEOR- does not legally exist in the capacity which is required to be enrolled in a public school. Simply, dave neither ate nor didn’t eat.

The character who i think is affected most relevantly by these non-facts is Rose. (Although really, all of the strider-lalondes are much more affected by their actual pre-canon lives than any of the other kids.)

For someone whose schooling and social life pre-canon literally do not exist, Rose acts exactly how you’d expect a lonely teenage academic from a small town to act.

Parishville, NY (technically where the lalonde residence is, if we take homestuck way more seriously than im sure was intended) currently has a population of just over 2,000 people. If you’re from a small town (or even if you’ve seen an episode of any 2010s teen drama about “small town life”) you know exactly how suffocating that can be.

Without straying too far from topic, there are innumerable ways in which capitalism has failed america. The “American dream” relies on an idea of upwards mobility that is simply nonexistent for those raised in small towns- those raised without money and without resource. Nonetheless, theres an idea that seems to thoroughly permeate any small community: you have to get out.

You have to get out because you have to become something better than this. You have to get out because you can’t risk becoming your parents. You have to get out because if you don’t, you haven’t done anything with your life. You’ll work at the liquor store or the gas station or whatever adjacent dead-end job until you’re too old to work or you die- whichever comes first.

On my first read-through of homestuck, one of the panels which stood out to me most was 4989, in which Rose explains to Dave that yes, a dream self can be drunk. Specifically, she says “There wasn’t very much to do. But there was a house full of liquor.”

While Rose didn’t *actually* excel in academics- and while she wasn’t *actually* ostracized from her peers for her grim outlook and intellect- we see shadows of the effects throughout her character for the entire run of the comic (And hsbc if you’ve had the displeasure.) Rose is afforded much more significant consequence to her upbringing than most other homestuck characters- especially the female ones.

I don’t really have a conclusion here, just something i’ve been chewing on..

[homestuckreplay]

EOA2 - Character Opinions

Just like at the end of act 1, I’m rounding up all the characters and how I feel about them so far, to see if my opinions change over time. There are a LOT more characters in Act 2 than in Act 1, so here’s hoping I remember them all. If I’ve forgotten anyone, let me know!

Love ♡

John Egbert – Still my most favoritest character. I love his facial expressions so much. He’s really going through it, but despite the horrors both immediate and hovering, he finds joy in the small things, which is a trait I love in both characters and real people. His excitement over making the pogo hammer is a highlight of the act, and his movie referencing so hard he breaks the box and his trying to be a paladin with the Slimer pogo as his faithful steed are excellent too. I love how John uses his very specific areas of expertise, like movies and magic and his other interests from the start of the story, to solve problems that don’t at first seem related. I love how he’s openly scared and reluctant and how he rises to challenges anyway. I love how he knows he doesn’t know things and is willing to experiment. I love how he has strong emotional responses often for no apparent reason. I just think he’s neat.

Rose Lalonde – I have so much fun reading anything Rose says. Her GameFAQs are so unintentionally hilarious but she’s also got a great intentional sense of humor, like her fake-mustache W and her trying to create the Colonelsprite. I do think she plays a little fast and loose with John’s life, expecting him to navigate combat on narrow platforms and stairs above an endless void, but I can cut her some slack because she’s having to balance her responsibility over John with trying to save her own life. All of her scenes so far have been based around her game connection with John – either actively playing the game, or trying to reconnect her laptop – and my hope for act 3 is for Rose to get a story of her own. Ideally one that involves summoning one of those sick ass creatures from the grimoire.

Zazzerpan the Learned – He is a twenty foot tall wizard, and as such, is the only Homestuck character I would describe as ‘hot’.

Wayward Vagabond – Easily the best mayor Can Town has ever had. Started off as a rude tyrant yelling at John, but it ended up just being cultural differences, and they’ve really worked on communication. I love how creative WV is, how ready they are to take enjoyment in life where they can get it, and how much they care for their non-edible possessions. They’re in this very structured, somewhat antagonistic, Sburb-mediated relationship with John, but I actually think the two of them have a lot in common, and if they could just sit down together with a big train set they’d have a blast.

Serenity – Not only is she glowing and sparkly, but she’s smart and good at taking responsibility in an emergency.

Like

Nannasprite – Ghost? Harlequin? Game construct? Loving grandmother? Nannasprite is all these things. Sure, she’s going way overboard on the cookies, but she doesn’t know John well enough to know he’s not into baked goods. And she really got him with the bucket on the door. That was a great prank. Mostly, I like her for giving me the Good Lore. Please Nannasprite, I will eat as many cookies as you want if you will infodump to me about Sburb for hours on end.

Rambunctious Crow – An absolute scamp who’s just doing what crows do. Made even cooler by the addition of a sword.

Neutral/Mixed

Dave Strider – I still think Dave sucks, just like at the end of act 1. I think his insistence on irony is exhausting and his raps are a chore to read, I hate how dismissive he is of other people’s interests and how superior he is about his own, I think he’s way too quick to resort to violence and way too slow to do any kind of self reflection. But. Having learned more about his bro and his living situation, I understand why he sucks so bad, and I don’t think he’s really to blame. I hope that Dave’s bro is kidnapped by imps soon, in Sburb or otherwise, because I think that’s the only way Dave could become someone I actually like.

Dad – I’m harsh on parents in fiction. I think Dad seems like an awesome guy, I love his Serious Business app, his preparedness re: shaving cream, his bucking of gender roles by always being in the kitchen, and his refusal to go quietly with the imps. But despite the external trappings of a father and his obvious love for John, he seems unwilling to meet John where he is and be the dad John actually wants and needs. I wish he would do more to get to know John as a person, to perhaps offer him some tasty roasted vegetables, to perhaps buy him the Nintendo DSi instead of a harlequin doll, to open up to John about his own life and to take him on some trips into Seattle. I wonder if he regrets not doing all that now that they’re separated.

Uncertain

gardenGnostic – I want to like GG, and I hope I will end up liking her, but Act 2 has built up so much mystery around GG that even though she’s had a few further pesterlogs I feel like I know less about her than I did at the end of act 1. She really plays up how she ‘can’t’ tell people things but still insists on mentioning them, which is an annoying trait, but I like her positive attitude and the fact that she’s so encouraging to her friends.

Peregrine Mendicant – I like that they are collecting mailboxes, as I am a huge fan of the postal service as an institution, but I do not have a sense of them as a character.

Mom – First off, we should eat the rich and redistribute Mom’s wealth. Her millionaire status aside, I don’t think she’s a good parent, or that exchanging passive aggressive notes with your daughter or ignoring her suicide threats is in any way healthy. But, it seems from WV: Ascend that her role in the story is bigger than raising Rose. Whether that goes towards redeeming her or makes her even worse, only time will tell.

Dislike

Sburb – I’m deeply fascinated by Sburb and I love to analyze it, and the story is making it increasingly clear that the game Sburb (2009) is just a small part of the larger entity Skaia (~4 billion BC). As a story element it’s amazing, but as a force acting on the characters it’s nothing but sinister. Willing to sacrifice the whole continent to achieve its secret goals, many of whom haven’t elected to play the game, and keeping its nature hidden from players until it’s far too late, it’s like a form of extreme gamer Darwinism allowing only its best players to survive. Its use of mind control and its impact on real life means it can’t even be fun to play, arguably the worst sin for a video game.

Sweet Bro & Hella Jeff – I would not hang out with these guys.

Midnight Crew – These four spent a hundred pages stuck in a bunker and all they were able to do was inflict violence on each other and fail to play 52 pickup. WV managed a skilful escape 32 pages after getting stuck. Case closed.

Hate

Bro – Just the worst guy imaginable. Anyone who controls a child through violence and fear, withholding food and a safe home, is irredeemable in my book and bad enough that I can’t even enjoy reading about him. There’s nothing wrong with being into puppets, or porn, or puppet porn, or even making a career out of puppet porn and ventriloquist rapping, but there is something wrong with forcing these things on people who aren’t comfortable with them and aren’t able to say no.

Lil Cal – He is bad to look at.

[lockjawmotif]

found in the sand: chapter one

a davejade fic

Dave Strider was not afraid of airplanes. That’d be silly. That’d be ridiculous.

He wasn’t afraid of airplanes and he wasn’t afraid of heights, not even a little bit, so, obviously, flying from Houstin to New York alone for the first time wasn’t even that scary. He lived in a Saw trap-ass apartment with a man who thought peak comedy was putting weapons behind doors, he wasn’t scared of some flying metal tube, and he definitely wasn’t on the verge of tears just watching the clouds go past.

He wasn’t in the window seat, obviously, he took aisle, so he could get up and piss if he had to. He had his apple juice in one hand, his phone in the other, his earbuds in, his music blasting, and he was not afraid.

And then, for just a second, the lights flickered and the cabin shuddered. He jolted, splashing his apple juice all over himself and the woman next to him. She let out an indignant gasp, and he muttered something that could have sounded like an apology, unclipping his seatbelt and standing shakily. No, not shakily. He stood easily, loosely, his now empty cup hanging casually at his side, his phone sliding into his pocket like it was second nature. And then he calmly walked to the back of the plane, to the bathrooms.

They were both occupied, so he carefully arranged his body into a casual lean and slipped his phone back out of his pocket again, checking notifications. None, obviously. Cool.

The bathroom door opened and he nodded to the man who stepped out, slipping past him and into the cramped and small restroom. Because, here’s the thing. Even if Dave Strider was afraid of heights, he was much less afraid of small spaces where he could forget the heights.

Calmly, chilly, he used the toilet, flushed, and turned to the sink to wash his hands. For a brief second, he glanced at himself in the mirror, took in his dark skin and bleach fried hair, the acne on his cheeks, the massively oversized hoodie he wore. He looked like a tiny kid, he thought. Lame.

The cabin shuddered again, and he clung to the sink to wait it out. But it didn’t stop. Suddenly, he was violently tossed back, slammed against the wall. There was an impossibly loud sound coming from outside the bathroom, like a jet engine had plopped itself in the middle of the cabin. He scrambled for the door, trying to rip it open, but it wouldn’t budge. The plane was flailing violently, like it was being batted around in the air.

His elbow struck the wall and he screamed as he felt the bone of his upper arm splinter.

And then everything seemed to stop.

He was suspended in air, like in a moment of flight of his own, and he could feel his heartbeat. Thud thud. Thud thud. And then he was slammed to the floor, and everything went dark.

There were flashes after that.

A glaring green light.

A cold pain sinking into his bones.

Water in his lungs.

He didn’t want to die.

He didn’t want to die.

He didn’t want to die.

He woke up on a beach.

It was beautiful, beautiful in a way nothing else ever had been. The sand was so fine and white, the shells whole and uncrushed. The waves that lapped at his legs were warm and gentle, and the clouds overhead were impossibly soft looking.

He heard footsteps, and a gasp, and a bark. And then he was out again.

He woke up again, and this time, he was in a bed, a soft one, one that felt like actual heaven against his skin. His right arm was splinted, his cheek covered in a bandage, and from what he could feel under the blankets, his ankle was in a cast too. He felt… sick wasn’t quite the right term. He felt great, probably better than he should feel based on the situation, but at the same time, he was queasy, and his head hurt, and he was nervous enough he thought he was going to pass out again.

But he didn’t.

He sat up, and he looked around.

His bro had trained him well, he knew what to look for in a room.

It was… not what he would have expected. It wasn’t a hospital room, or a grungy basement with cameras set up to monitor him. It was an ornate, vintage style bedroom, with draping, gauzy curtains around the bed that didn’t really obstruct the view, but still seemed to keep in warmth. There was a large window seat across the room, and the window let in a slight breeze. A great unlit fireplace sat to his left, a giant globe in front of it, a taxidermied moose head above it. The walls were lined with bookcases, most of which didn’t have actual books on them, but rather small trinkets and tidbits, boxes and animal skulls and a couple fake human skulls. Or at least he assumed they were fake.

There were no weapons to look out for, no obvious traps.

He pushed aside the curtains, swung his legs out of bed, and carefully put some weight on them. His ankle was sore, but it didn’t feel… well, not really broken? Like, maybe a light sprain, but nothing that constituted a cast.

Suddenly, the door swung open, and a dog and a girl waltzed in. The dog, a massive, muttlike white thing immediately seemed to spot Dave and tensed, ears going back. It took Dave a moment to realize how improbable this was since it clearly didn’t have eyes. The girl, on the other hand…

She was tall, maybe taller than Dave, but she couldn’t be much older. She was wearing a pair of muddy overalls, some boots and a tank top. Her long, wild black hair was back in a braid, her glasses sliding down her long crooked nose. She tilted her head at him, an unreadable expression on her face.

“Hey,” Dave said, smoothly and calmly, his voice hardly cracking at all. “I- uh… I don’t think my ankle’s broken.”

“Not anymore, silly,” The girl laughed, abruptly, her stern expression fading. “I fixed it. You’re welcome.”

“Wh-” Dave blinked, slowly. “How long was I…”

“Only a month or so.”

“A month?” He spluttered. “That can’t be- no way.”

“What?” She frowned. “What do you mean? Twenty seven days, that’s almost a month.”

“I passed out- I wasn’t connected to an IV or anything was I? How’d I not starve, huh?”

She shrugged. “I ‘unno. But you’re fine.”

“Yeah, I don’t fucking believe you. Where the fuck am I, anyways?”

“Uhh… my grandpa's room?” She tilted her head.

“No, like… Texas, or Arkansas, or, like, fucking Washington or some shit?”

“Oh, you’re not in America, I don’t think. You’re on Harley Island.”

“Harley what?”

“It’s in the Pacific.”

“... You’re tripping. There’s no way… I’m supposed to be in Houstin, what…” He suddenly found it remarkably hard to breathe. “How… how do I call my dad, tell him where I am?”

“You can’t, there’s no cell signal, and our landline stopped working ages ago.”

“Okay, is there a government, or is this like… what level of island is this? How desert does a desert island gotta be?”

“It’s just me.”

He blinked, slowly. “No it’s not.”

“Um,” She blinked back. “Yeah it is?”

“No, it’s not. You just talked about your grandpa-”

“-Who died ten years ago,” She cut him off. “Do you really think I’d lie about this?”

“Yes!”

“Why?”

“Because… because… how old are you?”

“Sixteen.”

“You’re my age and you’re living on a desert island, alone.”

“It’s more of a jungle island,” She shrugged. “And I think my brother’s somewhere out there, but I haven’t seen him in a year or two.”

“If you were living alone, you’d be wearing, like, leaves and shit. And living in trees.”

“That’s dumb,” She tilted her head. “Okay, I’m done with this conversation. I think I don’t actually care whether you believe me, so I’m walking away. I have to go check on the garden and feed Bec, here. You can come with, if you want.”

“I don’t want.”

“Fine.” She shrugged, unphased, and with that, she left.

He huffed, reaching down and easily tugging off the cast around his ankle. He was wearing a comfy pair of red pj pants and a black shirt that was definitely not his.

The room was suddenly very cold, and very empty.

He shivered, grabbing a soft fluffy blanket that lay over the heavy comforter, wrapped it around his shoulders and started after the strange girl.

“Wait,” He called. “I’m comin’, hold on.”

The girl had apparently not gone very far, just a few steps down the hallway. She smiled at him as he caught up, trying to put his chin up and shoulders back. She just snorted and shook her head.

“Come on, dork,” She grinned, revealing crooked teeth. “I’ll give you a tour.”

“My name’s Dave,” He said, shrugging as best as he could with his arm bundled up against his chest. “By the way.”

“Jade.”

[homestuck-fanauthor-coalition]

@orangestorapples

> Be Dave Strider. You are in your Health class, with Coach Shaffer. Apparently, she's the girls’ varsity soccer coach. This is irrelevant, though, because you can't take any more of this shit. It's Friday. You know it's Friday, and that you only have a couple more hours to deal with school before it's the blessed fucking weekend, but good fucking god, you can't take another minute of it. You feel like your heart is jackhammering in your chest, you can't breathe, and all you can do is stare blankly at the board while whatever your teacher is trying to explain to you goes in one ear and out the other. You need to get the fuck out of here. You- you can't just get up and leave, you're expected to raise your hand first, and wait to be called, which is fucking stupid. That's such a stupid rule to expect people to follow, but you hate confrontation so- you're gonna raise your fucking hand and wait to be called on. While feeling like a fucking moron. Because this is fucking stupid. The thing is, though, she doesn't call on you. She just- she keeps talking. Lecturing. And you know she can see you because she's not fucking blind. If Terezi had been up there, that would be one thing. But Terezi isn't your teacher. Coach Shaffer doesn't wear glasses either. After a few minutes of you just sitting there, feeling like a herp-fucking-derp moron, she FINALLY turns to you and says, “Mr. Lalonde, any questions can be saved for the end of this part of the lecture. Put your hand down.” Fuck this.

Chapters: 73/?

Rating: Teen and Up

Archive Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Category: Gen

Fandom: Homestuck

Relationships: Dirk's Bro | Alpha Dave Strider & Dirk Strider; Dirk's Bro | Alpha Dave Strider & Dave Strider; Dave Strider & Dirk Strider; Rose Lalonde & Dave Strider; Roxy Lalonde & Dirk Strider; Rose Lalonde & Roxy Lalonde & Dave Strider & Dirk Strider; Jake English/Dirk Strider

Characters: Dave Strider; Dirk Strider; Dirk's Bro | Alpha Dave Strider; Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider; Rose Lalonde; Roxy Lalonde; Rose's Mom | Beta Roxy Lalonde; Roxy's Mom | Alpha Rose Lalonde; Ben Stiller; Owen Wilson; Donald Glover

Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort; Angst and Hurt/Comfort; Abusive Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider; Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD; Childhood Trauma; Psychological Trauma; Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking; Implied/Referenced Underage Drug Use; Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session

[fr4nc1s-f0r3v3r]

Welcome To Our Blog!

Just to not clutter it much, we won't make our main blog public, but in this blog you can call us the Hope Collective!

This is a blog for a LOT of Non Canon Homestuck fictives, we do not expect anyone to remember us as we are all based on a unpublished fan session, still, anyone from Homestuck Canon or Not can interact if so desired.

We do not really have a DNI because those never work, but if you are someone we do not want here you'll know inmediately because we simply won't respond to you and block you.

A lot of us already have some of our quadrants filled so if you want that kind of relationship ask first, also keep in mind we are 18 bodily and almost collectively lesbians.

Since it is extremely long the list of members will be under the cut:

Trolls:

Tomcat Wilwud - She/Mouse

Temple Wilwud - She/Her

The Hermit (Beta Temple) - She/Her

The Assasin (Alpha Tomcat) - She/Mouse

Desjay Serial - She/Her (Do NOT use "it", has trauma with it)

Desehn Serial - He/They (Same as Desjay)

Culling Aparatus Series 2 (Beta Desehn) - It/Its

Culling Aparatus Series 1 (Alpha Desjay) - It/Its

Random Letter - She/They/Bit

Heitte Letter - They/It

The Historian (Beta Heitte) - They/It

Domina Inanis (Alpha Random) - She/Her

Eiyght Wonder - They/Them

Zourah Wonder - She/They

Sundial Bountyhunter (Beta Zourah) - She/They

The Cryptid (Alpha Eiyght) - They/Them

Dareal Shadey - Any/All

Sleehm Shadey - Any/All

The Instigator (Beta Sleehm) - Any/All

The Rebel (Alpha Dareal) - Any/All

Munlit Nights - She/Star

Starly Nights - She/Its

Me Dreamer (Beta Starly) - She/Its/Dream

Star Maiden (Alpha Munlit) - She/Star/Sky

Gimeur Paspor - She/They/It

Haveno Paspor - He/Him

The Bodyguard (Beta Haveno) - He/Him

System Breaker (Alpha Gimeur) - She/They

Blaike Syntus - She/Fushcia/Glub

Clasic Syntus - She/Her

The Big Bad Spider of the West (Beta Clasic) - She/Her

The Good Spider of the West (Alpha Blaike) - She/Her

Laceys Angels - She/Justice

Candle Angels - He/Him

The Prosecutor (Beta Candle) - He/Him

Lady Justice (Alpha Laceys) - We/Us

Graape Souhda - She/Her

Fizzee Souhda - She/Her

The Oracle (Beta Fizzee) - She/Her

High Priestest (Alpha Graape) - She/Her

Aquama Rinnah - She/Her

Baille Rinnah - She/Her

The Royal Traitor (Beta Baille) - She/They

The Wayward Commander (Alpha Aquama) - They/Them

Louvre Giever - She/They/Him

Pluuck Giever - She/Hit

Will Inheretor (Beta Pluuck) - She/Hit

Her Gentle Guidance (Alpha Louvre) - She/They/It

Humans:

Judy Jensen - She/Her

Ruby Lalonde - She/Smokes/It

Dean Strider - Any/All

Jaye English - He/It/Wrench

Dad Jesnen - He/Him

Mom Lalonde - She/Her

Bro Strider - He/Him

Grandma English - She/Her

Others:

Ghost - It/Its

(Random) - She/It

Sugarr Straby Berry Lalonde Giever - She/Her

@inland--empire for you to see it

[cherryluvrx3]

meat lovers amirite??

Dave Strider x Reader x Karkat Vantas

Chapter 6

[masterlist]

It’s the next day and Dave hadn’t texted me since yesterday. Part of me wanted to ask if I made him uncomfortable with insinuating he was gay (he totally is) but at the same time I didn’t wanna bother him. Or cause another insecure freak out.

Still, I was worried. After all, this is the guy I’m trying to woo and romance, it’d suck if I scared him off already.

I sigh dramatically for the upteenthed time and lean my head on Gamzee’s shoulder.

“Okay! We get it, you’re miserable! We heard you the first sigh.” Terezi complained from her seat across from me at the table we sat.

“And you have yet to ask me what’s wrong! Some friends you are.” I huffed.

“Okay what’s the motherfuckin��� issue?” Gamzee asked not looking up from his phone. I sigh dramatically once again, “ I don’t wanna talk about it.. ” I mutter in faux mysteriousness that they both seem to not care for.

..

…

….

…..

“Okay I’ll tell you! So I know it’s only been one day but I can’t help but feel I bombed that first convo with Dave..” I explain, finally sitting up straight in my seat.

Terezi sighed and rested her head into the palm of her hand. “Hmm.. I can’t help but think you’re being a little…. dramatic ?” She said with a skeptical raised brow.

I gasp, “ Dramatic!? Me ? I would never .” I joke.

“Well, if we bein’ real then yeah. I mean it was just the first motherfuckin’ convo.” Gamzee spoke half paying attention.

“I guess.. But like, I feel like I was being a little dry. I mean Dave’s such a cool guy he’s probably got way cooler people to talk to and I spent a vital first impression on not showing him how cool I am- because I’m totally cool right!? Like way cooler than at first glance right!?” I frantically look between the both of them for validation but receive nothing but judging side eyes.

“You guys can at least feed into my delusions y’know…” I slump into my seat with a pout.

“Well unfortunately for you, I am immensely tired from devious 3 AM activities that I will not name so I have neither the time nor the energy to feed your gluttonous delusions. We have a substitute teacher this period so I am going to take a nap, thank you.” Is all Terezi says before she slips to the floor and lays down, head resting on a bundled up sweater.

I look to Gamzee, he looks to me. We look at each other. As I begin to open my mouth he shakes his head solemnly, no … and slowly goes back to texting who I assume is Tavros.

I sit, dejected and abandoned by these supposed “for lifers.”

I twiddle my thumbs for a bit then drum my fingers on the desk.

Wow, I feel like a loser.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, It’s a text from Dave.

A TEXT FROM DAVE?

I look around expecting some sort of reaction as if either of them are able to see my phone.

I open his message- after waiting a few seconds, to not seem desperate obviously.

Pizza Dave

-sup

-wyd

Me

-Oh nothing just sitting in this chemistry class abandoned by my friends who would rather sleep and text their boyfriend

Pizza Dave

-damn sucks lol

-now ya know how I felt

Me

-Idk bout that chief

-Wouldn’t really call this feeling jealousy ha

-but wyd?

Pizza Dave

-I already said I wasn’t jealous that would be weird

-but I’m in math bored asf

-I know like no one in this class and ain’t really up for making friends with em

-don’t think we’d be able to vibe

-or that they’re open for vibing in the first place

Me

-Oh you don’t have John or Karkat in that class?

-They’re like the only friends of yours that I know tbh

Pizza Dave

-nopee

-I’m in honors math

-cuz I’m soooo smart

-they got regulars math so I’m all alone

-I finished my work already so m just sittin here

-lonely n bored

-n hungry

-got lunch next period

Me

-Oh me too

-School lunches aren’t that good tho

-U be eating that shit bro? 😭

Pizza Dave

-nahh

-ur right

-foods ass

Me

-nah dude don’t lie u be straight gobbling that shit huh

-licking the plate and everything

-own up to it

Pizza Dave

-no seriously 💀

-usually I bring a snack or something to hold me through the school day

-but me and kat r gonna go out to eat lunch

Me

-Whatttt

-Your school lets y’all get lunch from outside?

Pizza Dave

-nah we just sneak out lol

Me

-Damn maybe I should do that

-The lunches here aren’t good either I usually just eat whatever fruit they got

Pizza Dave

-u wanna come?

-we going panda express

-think it’s pretty close to ur school

Me

-Uhhhhhh

I want to go. I want to hang out with him! And Karkat, can’t forget he’s gonna be there too. So it’s not like I can have one on one time with him but maybe it would be better that way? The less awkwardness between us the better.

Pizza Dave

-u scared of getting caught?

Me

-No

I am. A bit.

I mean I’ve only snuck out once with Roxy but we just went to a corner store down the street and back. I guess I can just ask Nepeta to open the door for me at one of the back entrances like last time since she has class on the first floor after lunch again.

Me

-Okay I’ll go

Pizza Dave

-bet

-I’ll let kat know

-he gets fussy with sudden plan changes lol

Me

-Hehe fussy is a cute word

Pizza Dave

-ikr

-bros an absolute cutie patootie

-but yappy

-like a chuhuawa

-chihiuaua

-however tf u spell chiwawa

Me

-Chihuahua

Pizza Dave

-okay big guy so you know words n shit

-I’m in honors math not english for a reason

Me

-Whatevaaaaa

-Byee I’ll see y’all then :p class about to end

Pizza Dave

-bet

I’m so excited I know I’m smiling hard like an idiot but I couldn’t care less. I check my backpack and luckily I have enough money with me to buy my lunch. As I turn my head I notice Gamzee’s been staring at me for some while now.

“Uh..?” “So I’m guessin’ you got some good news lil’ mama?” Gamzee asks, picking up my phone and putting in the password he already knew to snoop through the messages.

“Oh now you care?” I cross my arms and he doesn't respond as he reads the texts.

“I’d say good luck on your date but it looks like you got a third wheel- or maybe you’re the motherfuckin’ third wheel?” He teased and tossed my phone back to me.

“Yeah but I mean Karkat’s cool- Kat is Karkat by the way.” I say and start packing up to go.

“Oh really? Tell the guy I said hi.” Gamzee chuckled as he went over to Terezi, lightly kicking her awake. She shot up and banged her head on the table, grumbling as she stood up and stretched.

“Kay but could you do me a favor and tell everyone else at lunch? I don’t feel like getting a barrage of questions asking where I am.” I laughed as the bell rang and we started to walk out the door.

“hUh..?” Terezi asked, still confused from her brief but deep nap.

“Aight I will- tell ya in a bit.” He told Terezi as he dragged her stumbling body off to the lunchroom.

I quickly ran down the stairs and headed to one of the back entrances of the school that no one really went by.

I did a quick look around to make sure the coast was clear before opening the door as silently as I could and dashing out the door. I ran down the block before stopping, I don’t think the security guards would give chase but if they did, the walk of shame back to school would’ve been so embarrassing I’d just drop dead instead.

I hadn’t been to the Panda Express Dave was talking about so I put in the location in maps to get the directions before heading over and Dave was right, it was pretty close.

I pushed the door open and looked around but they weren’t here yet. I mean, since their school is a little farther from here it’d probably take them a bit longer so I just ordered and waited.

Not long after sitting down I could see them crossing the street, the light about to change and Karkat aggressively shoving an incredibly unconcerned Dave forward so they could hurry and get to the other side. I chuckle to myself as they come in, Karkat complaining.

“Jeez, do you think we have all the time in the world!? Or do you just not care if you become roadkill!?” He yelled.

“A car would never run me over. I’d just stop it with my bare hands like a man.” Dave said as they walked over to where I sat.

“Sup.” He nodded to me coolly

I let out a strangled hi, embarrassing , and Karkat just grumbled a hey to acknowledge my existence before sitting down.

Yeesh, guess he’s still on edge.

But I’ll make sure he warms up to me too!

----------------

remember when I warned about background ships? gamz x tavros is one of em !!! This chapter still isn't that interesting or long but :p

[unerringcaprition]

Dave Lalonde calls Rose Strider "bro" and Rose calls Dave "girl". (They are both unconsciously ruining /pos eachother's genders.) Also they both keep eachother sane. mom!Roxy is supportive, and she and Dave have a good relationship, but she still has trouble being present for Dave due to her work and also her alcoholism. Sometimes he lacks that "push" to better pursue his interests/goals. Rose helps with that. Also, Dave is hard on himself about his mom's alcoholism. Beats himself up over not being able to help her despite him being a child and also not even knowing the reason for his alcoholism. (Despite this, he does manage to get her to cut back on the drinking a bit for him. Whether or not he knows it.) Bro Strider is a lot. The stimulus is good for Rose, but sometimes its overstimulating. Also she gets the feeling her dad doesn't take her entirely seriously all the time. Bro is the kind of guy that expects a lot out of a kid, but doesn't know how to listen to 'em. Dave is a chill guy. Easy to be around. Listens to her poetry, too. Sometimes he joins in. Sure he goofs on her half the time, but at least he's not weird the way her dad is.

[weirdmageddon]

im not exaggerating when this is one of the best additions ive gotten on any post, EVER, in my over 10+ years of being on this site

#Dave Lalonde would know what conditioner is and bathe regularly therefore unlocking The Curl #meanwhile Rose Strider would go full daddy's little princess #she would straight up kill that clown at her 5th birthday and then at her next one Bro would get 6 clowns and set up a fencing tournament #fully by the book the clowns are wearing full plain white fencing uniforms with red noses badly safety clipped to the face guards. #otherwise unidentifiable as clowns #but she knows. #the bloodlust remains. #rather than a pallet of cinderblocks Bro would deck out her room with a knockoff disney princess theme #like Mom Lalonde's secret bedroom in the ectobiology lab #but worse #the giant princess doll would still be gifted but it's lovingly handstitched and has emo makeup #as a joke that he knows she would want to Fix it but look he knows that so now she Cant so she has to figure out what would be a creative #yet ironic response #she of course is given unrestricted credit card access for their gift giving battles #in response to the fridge being filled with swords she gets an umbrella storage rack and puts that in the fridge #in steal of course #so they don't fall out at unsuspecting snackers #Bro adds some katana handled umbrellas and hooks a convenience store display of rain ponchos to the side #(meanwhile its still in the fridge) #so Rose makes a detailed 1950s style gelatin mold salad #she sets it on the counter next to the fridge under an oversized silver serving dish with a note about how she expects feedback #on her attempt to confirm to traditional femininity #the mold isnt set #its just a pile of sticky room tempature hard boiled eggs and cocktail sausages covered in lime jello #Bro diligently writes a review with pictures and posts in on a website he created and populated with comment bots for when this happens #the sites titled something like Puppet Princess's Piquant Plates and his reviews are in character as smuppet parodies of historical figures #rose buys 2 pairs of traditional Yellow rainboots and places them by the door #Bro is courteous and moves the fridge katana stand to by the boots. #he then perfects the salad recipe before Rose gets a chance and writes a terrible review of it in the voice of smuppet Tutankhamun #Rose is losing the irony battle but now the fridge has food in it again.

i love these tags this person is so right

actually, can you imagine if dave was raised by B1 roxy?

i wanna get into this actually

(ok i had to spend a few hours rewriting this because IT DIDNT FUCKING SAVE AFTER FIVE HOURS OF WRITING WHEN MY COMPUTER UPDATED WHILE I WAS AFK so it would mean a lot to show this post some appreciation. i LOVEEE hearing what other people have to say)

even though these things mom does are presented in an extravagant, kitsch, jokey way, her intentions always came from a place of sincerity. she is simply Funnie

but rose reads too far into it and assumes things that aren't there, that her mother is passive-aggressively feigning interest in rose's interests simply because the things she does are so extra. "why do all of this if not to mock me"

im telling you right now if dave lived in this household he wouldn't assume antagonism, he'd go,

don’t forget who LITERALLY patented tangible jpeg artifacts as their post-scratch adult self and scattered shitty scummed up statue of liberties all over the planet. theres no way some of that overboard artful shit wasnt post-ironic / circling back around to genuine funny sincerity

dave's natural state is funny sincerity like roxy. he's had the natural capacity for this type of humor from the start and this is the direction he goes towards when he grows out of his brother's shadow by the end of the comic. dave and roxy share an earnest “so bad its good” type of humor

(lots more under the cut; the length of this meta analysis just got unwieldly with all the pictures and whatnot)

despite the alcoholism, roxy is a supportive mother. she's not the ideal guardian but hells of a lot more supportive of her kid than bro is. if she knew dave's interests she would totally indulge in them with some over the top silly goofy haha shit as a genuine gesture simply because she loves him

rose isn't too keen on it though. but she is more similar to dirk in her natural state of thinking of overthinking shit and assuming the worst, like the tags said

and yes dave got the sweet cuddly yet sometimes backhanded ouppy gene from roxy, probably even moreso lol

roxy's even said rose "sounds like girl dirk"

side tangent here, but this is something i wanna talk about.

i dont think bro should ever be in custody of children ever but if theres anyone who would be up to the task it's rose probably. i know she'd be able to keep up with him. not only does she have a defined personality (dave is more malleable and absorbs his environment like a sponge), if anyone can pick apart B1 dirk's batshit brain and probably be right on the money it's her. lil cal has been pumping patriarchal nonsense into bro's head and rose would be able to bring the fucking facts to the table without losing her own and being a living example of a badass little girl. i also don't think bro would try to force masculine roles onto rose like he did with dave, seeing as she is a girl, so she would actually have more of a leg up and get some passes that dave was never afforded. and rose wouldn't stand idly and accept any bullshit; she is no doormat. and i think this would earn bro's respect

but anyway, from this, couldn't we conclude roxy "sounds like girl dave"?

yeah okay. we havent even gotten into their penchant for funny typos or misspeaks, deliberate or otherwise

so, dave's environment

the sentiment "god you hope you can be as good as your bro at this some day" might have been genuine at the time when he idolized bro but of course he's not able to express that in any sort of sincere fashion because he's in dirk's fucking household. and this level 10 irony shit isnt doing dave any favors

his role models were the Internet and a vague idea of what Bro was like. So he built up his facade based on irony–not the literary definition of irony, as Rose might be quick to point out, but a popular concept of irony based on the idea that things that didn’t make sense actually made sense in some roundabout way. As a master of irony, Dave probably reasoned, he could see in a way other people couldn’t why a world that was scary and didn’t make sense really did make sense, and could therefore convince those people that he was superior to them. And he would wield his knowledge to maintain the appearance of superiority by calling everything ironic and pretending he didn’t care about things that didn’t make sense, and he would use walls of vaguely rhyming words to keep everyone at arm’s length so they wouldn’t discover his insecurities (source)

roxy's style is the embodiment of post-irony. being raised by mom lalonde would be like being raised by joel vinesauce ok

what can i say ….. (getting meta about this actually, hussie got these jpeg wizard wallpapers from a spyware website. link takes some time to load because internet archive)

rose is quick to read post-irony as actually being a joke/insincere, which in bro's case would be true. but i believe dave's natural instinct, outside of the influence of bro, is to read post-irony as genuine, which is exactly how mom serves it. we see this as early as act 3 from him; he understands her motives better than rose does herself:

and in act 6 intermission 2 i think it's pretty clear

but the thing is, it's always genuine from her. dave wouldn't have to second guess it because he's not one to naturally second guess someone's sincerity; that was learned due to his bro being virtually unassailable

there two types of ironies at play here:

seems like a joke, is actually genuine (roxy)

doesnt seem like a joke, is actually a joke (dirk)

you can make the argument that the second is is more psychologically destructive because it makes you question the reality of what is genuine sentiment and what isn't. dave never knew what was genuine and what was irony so he just sort of existed in this sincerity-ironic limbo and always did the opposite of what he genuinely felt on principle even if it always did originate from a genuine place.

"it just a joke bro i was just being ironic i dont actually x" is so much more trust-breaking and psychologically damaging than "wait are you being serious" / "i am being so fucking fr rn davy gravy" / "ok thats actually pretty fucking awesome. giant ass wizard statue" / "RIGHT"

how much about dave would change do you think? his character arc would be completely different for one thing, i think he'd have it good aside from mom's alcohol issues. he'd be left with the sweet and funny parts of him that we see at the end of the comic. the fake coolguy stuff is out, but this remains. this is dave in his element and we see it as early as act 1

he'd probably have no shades growing up in the lalonde residence* either cause those were given to him by bro straight out of the crater as an extension of his own cool image. and john gave dave ben stiller’s aviators for his 13th birthday to replace them so he could “spread his wings”

dave said he was wearing them for the ironies but i kind of doubt it. maybe post-irony but there was some reacharound to it being genuine because dave never put those pointy anime shades on his face again.

*though... it’s kind of hard to imagine him without his shades at all? B2 dave still got stiller’s shades from stiller himself so maybe getting them is a universal constant. i can imagine mom getting him them as a birthday gift cause shes pretty wealthy and probably could buy it out in an auction. but also itd be cool if john still gave him it as a gift

dave is actually a lot more genuine and easy to read than he lets on even when grappling with his upbringing with B1 dirk (again, see this post). this can be seen all throughout he comic but a good example is the evolution of thoughts about his interest in the preserved dead things in his room:

if B1 roxy was dave's guardian he probably WOULD have pursued paleontology because she wouldve indulged him in it and probably find it cool and worthwhile to pursue, instead of allowing dave to flounder under ironic detachment, being poisoned by irony to the point of gaslighting himself into believing he doesnt actually believe he thinks this shit is cool. even if it was indulged in this such a way; a superficially kitsch and ironic appearing presentation, it comes from a genuine place and inspires genuine interest. just read the comments.

basically, i think if B1 roxy raised dave, their relationship would have a surface level appearance of being bizarre or over-the-top but they’d have an unsaid mutual understanding that it’s completely in earnest and just build on each other's funny and absurd gestures of affection. rather than seeing it as one-upping each other, it'd more like collaboration of some silly bullshit that you take a step back and look at full and just say, "fucking incredible"

speaking of paleontology, mom had the proto-ectobiology lab. maybe they'd be able to use the equipment to appearify paradox ghost imprints of the dead shit to create paradox clones of things from the cambrian era??? sounds like a fun mother son bonding activity. and theyd actually put the sciencey shit in the household to use

oh god i know exactly the kinds of music shed listen too also growing up as a teen in the 80s. she on that (post)-punk/art rock/new wave/new romantic mtv stuff. XTC shit fr. this is a B-52S HOUSEHOLD. maybe the associates for the campy melodramatic flair. so he gets to keep the record on his shirt cause he is an enjoyer of the shit in her vinyl collection. dave would still gravitate towards musical expression and music itself but of more variety outside of just rap, with an 80s-90s, even 70s flavor due to mom’s influence. see this for perhaps a glimpse. ​she probably visited new york city a lot for business trips and because the music scene was cool as hell around that time, imports came straight from jfk airport, she probably got in on that a bit and have remnants in the form of vinyls and cassettes. in this way she could be distributing void to dave (influencing him with forgotten / presently irrelevant music). now he can REALLY rave about bands none of his friends have heard of. “hey davy grvay watcha listenin to” (he holds up vinyl cover) “omg snakefinger”

btw dave lalonde would look like this to me

[thewertsearch]

Anonymous asked: i always thought that kid-bro's first visible conversation actually being his auto responder was a really interesting choice. like after the auto responder conversation, which was as aggressive as could be expected by someone who had only seen adult bro before, normal kid-bro struck me as so much more…. chill and friendly, sorta. But you also know in the background that the real kid-bro is like that too when you peel back the layers of personality. Kid-bro and his auto responder are an interesting pair to think about. I really hope you'll take the time to do so ^u^ Anonymous asked: Honestly one thing I love about kid Bro is that his first words on screen that are his own are him asking Jane if she's in danger. I think it's a real establishing character moment there… And I can't wait for you to see where he goes, because it knocked my socks right the fuck off on my first read, heh.

It's true; Dirk is a lot more chill than I expected him to be.

I do still think he fancies himself as a chessmaster - but so far, he's spent the majority of his screentime just shooting the shit with Jane, As anon pointed out, he's genuinely concerned for her safety, and I don't think it's performative. The guy's weird, but he's a normal kind of weird, as far as Sburb Players are concerned.

Let's stop beating around the bush: Dirk is already much more likeable than the young Bro Strider I was envisioning. I'm almost willing to believe he's not being hypnotized by Cal.

[inland--empire]

How much i would want each Guardian to raise me (Only taking canon into account)

Dad Egbert - HELL YEAH. Please take me you are the only responsible adult in this whole webcomic qwq.

Bro Strider (Alpha) - I think that he would be fun to have as a dad :), although i do expect it to be kinda busy due to his career.

Mom Lalondd (Alpha) - She is so fucking cool! I think that we would really get along. Although i think she drinks and i am not sure if i could handle that.

Mom Lalonde (Beta) - I feel like she'd be loving enough to me, but, again, i don't know if i could handle the alcoholism.

Grandma English - At least she gets to raise me for some years and i get a lot of gentle animals taking care of me after :')

Dad Crocker - I am not too excited about the restrictions.

Grandpa Harley - He would give me guns, horrible choice. And then he fucking dies.

Bro Strider (Beta) - The Horrors.

YEAH. YEAH I CAN AGREE

[dualpromises]

˚˖𓍢ִִ໋📘 pearlie's ♡ si ♡ list 🖋️˚˖𓍢ִ✧˚.

self insert/canon inserts go here! solely to not clutter my oc list ♡

🐇 ashley, 20

  ashley needy graves; "leyley"; the coffin of andy and leyley, yandere au kinks; nonconsenual body modification (amputation), free use (nonconsensual consent, nonconsensual), intoxication (alcohol, weed), exhibitionism/voyeurism, humiliation, complicated relationships, incest, possessive behavior, sexual corruption, impregnation, cannibalism, nonconsensual autocannibalism

⤷ there's nothing easier than taming a pathetic bitch. ashley is just that. she's always been the easier one to corrupt, the easier one to groom, the easier one to goad into any little thing. she's even easier, using her own body against her: forcing her to edge at all hours - because her orgasms belonged to her andy. to keep her even more controlled, Andrew🔪 had cut off her legs and what little left of her thighs remained to accent what he called "her most important parts." since then, she had always been more agreeable; finding the ease of her life to be the most blissful aspect of it.  – 🐇20, 🔪22

❤️‍🩹 anoushka, 30

  anoushka abijah musume; "anya"; mouthwashing, quarantine au? apocalypse au? kinks; free use (nonconsensual consent, nonconsensual), cucking, intoxication (alcohol, weed), exhibitionism/voyeurism, humiliation, complicated relationships, polyamory, possessive behavior, sexual corruption, impregnation

⤷ anya has been stuck with Jimmy 💥 and Curly ☄️ in their apartment for longer than she expected. she is still raped by Jimmy, and is impregnated, and the situation becomes complicated as she had been falling for him in the first place. the three of them become a throuple, and anya does end up giving birth to Jimmy's baby, where he at the very least, atones by begrudgingly being much more caring of anya. Curly, himself, is simply happier being able to be with his loved ones despite the hardships that may happen. – ❤️‍🩹30, 💥36, ☄️38

🍓 fraiser, 42

  fraiser ampora-captor; homestuck, human au, porn-logic au? omegaverse au? kinks; abdl (ageplay, diapers), cucking, incest (parent/child), intoxication (alcohol, weed), exhibitionism/voyeurism, humiliation, lolisho/older character, possessive behavior, sexual corruption

⤷ fraiser is a certain kind of mother. after having had their first child, Mituna 🕹️, there was a dip in affection in her marriage with Teddy 👔. so naturally, the next step was to become a boy mom and fall in love with her son. fraiser and Teddy have another child, Eridan 🪼, who catches the attention of her father (and sometimes her brother), in being a far more obedient version of her mother. – 🍓42, 👔43, 🕹️10, 🪼8

🩰 mimi, 3

  mimi strider; homestuck, human au kinks; abdl (diapers), incest (adopted parent/child), intoxication (alcohol, weed), lolisho/older character, plushophilia, sexual corruption

⤷ mimi was adopted by Bro 🧢 when she was only three years old, after Bro had begun to feel as if his home were an empty nest because all the strilonde kids had grown up and led their own lives. in her life prior to her new family, she was a little groomed, and has taken that knowledge with her to navigate the rest of her next relationships. she's too close with her daddy, but also too close with her nanny, but nobody wants to stop her because she's just so sweet. – 🩰3, 🧢36

📷 paris, 14

  paris ampora; homestuck canon insert, human au kinks; abdl (ageplay, diapers), incest (parent/child, sibling), lolisho/older character, sexual corruption

⤷ paris' story involves her Daddy 🎀, her brother Cronus ��, and her brother's fiance Kankri 🧶. she's only started to have her escapades with her fiance-in-law, persistently trying to rope him into a relationship with her, while he believes that she is simply an infatuated little sister. – 📷14, 🧶30, 🧦35, 🎀63

⤷ prequel the corruption of paris started at seven, and with her father. it made sense, too, since paris always had the childish logic that she was born and made to marry her daddy. – 📷7, 🎀56, 🧦25

🪦 eridan, 14

  eridan ampora; homestuck canon insert, dream bubble au kinks; incest (descendant/ancestor), lolisho/older character, sexual corruption, noncon/dubcon, nonconsensual collaring, abuse disguised as BDSM, exhibitionism/voyeurism, humiliation, force fem, possessive behavior

⤷ eridan is a naive, newly dead ghost coping with death in the dream bubbles. Cronus💎, already dead for longer than he can count, takes advantage of the fact. – 🪦14, 💎too old

🐞 karen, 14

  care mccormick; south park canon insert kinks; anonymous sex (masked), incest (sibling), sexual corruption

⤷ karen's story involves her older brother, kenny🧣, and her guardian angel, mysterion❓. kenny feels a sort of guilt in his possession and love for his sister, however; leading him to interact with her solely through the mask. mysterion is far more intimate with karen, and is exactly what she wants. as they've grown older, they've gotten closer and closer, up until karen is 14 and kenny is 17, in a band, and far too attractive for her to handle. karen's plan is to use what she's learned from her angel to seduce all of crimsondawn. – 🐞14, 🧣17

👠 liane, 41

  mrs. cartman; south park canon insert

⤷ liane and eric have always been together. eric can't ever image himself without his mother. she is utterly devoted to him, and he is entirely in love with her. just as a mother and son should be. – 👠41, 🧤14

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆝 𓆟 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

[pesterloglog]

Jake English, Dirk Strider

Meat, page 39

JAKE: DIRK!!!

DIRK: Hey Jake.

JAKE: Well isn’t this a heap of shillelaghs and shamrocks!

DIRK: Uh...

JAKE: I had no idea you had plans to visit my humble abode!

JAKE: To swing about the ole manor du chez ingles as they say.

DIRK: That’s three different fucking languages.

JAKE: So what brings you here pal?

JAKE: I seem to recall the last time we were bumming about the rumpus cabana you swore some sort of blood oath youd never set foot in here again with one of your customary dramatic flourishes.

DIRK: Yeah, well.

DIRK: I meant it at the time.

DIRK: Let’s just leave it at that.

JAKE: Okie doke!

JAKE: GOSH its so good to see you.

JAKE: SO good.....

DIRK: Listen, man.

DIRK: You got a spare spaceship lying around?

DIRK: We’re going on a trip.

JAKE: Oh! I didnt even notice rose there.

JAKE: Wow she looks really zonked. Bad hangover i presume?

JAKE: Hold the phone wasnt she supposed to be off the sauce? Or is that not a thing anymore?

DIRK: It’s not a hangover. She’s just tired.

DIRK: Can you help us out?

JAKE: Of course mate. Ive got frickin scads of the things lying around.

JAKE: Prototypes. Top secret experimental models. Galaxy class ball busters dogeared for the whiteshirts in the gubmint! ;)

JAKE: They pay some tidy coin for all this industrio military whatsit you know.

DIRK: Yeah, um.

DIRK: I don’t know, dude. Anything, really.

DIRK: Something fast.

JAKE: Fast! We can do fast.

JAKE: Heres one! Oughta do you splendidly.

DIRK: Thanks bro.

JAKE: So where are we going?

DIRK: Yeah, I thought this misunderstanding might happen.

DIRK: My bad, man. I wasn’t that clear up front.

DIRK: “We” aren’t going anywhere.

DIRK: It’s just me and Rose on this trip.

JAKE: Ooh! I see.

JAKE: Well when you live the married life i suppose from time to time one must get away from the old ball and chain one way or another.

JAKE: So its a stag night of sorts. In space. With a gay girl instead of a fella!

JAKE: And... not me.

DIRK: Yes.

JAKE: Gadzooks...!

JAKE: Well say no more then.

JAKE: So um... how long will you be away? Does kanaya know about all of these shenanigans?

DIRK: Yes.

DIRK: We’ve discussed it. She’s ok with it.

JAKE: Whew good to see theres no trouble in paradise. Theyve always had the most lovely marriage.

JAKE: On the other hand you know how those dames can be... rargh!

JAKE: There are times let me tell you how i feel like i dodged a bullet by not jumping the matrimonial broom with jane.

JAKE: I love her to death obviously and id do fucking anything for her especially now that shes EL PRESIDEÑTE!!

JAKE: Cripes... woo boy sometimes i can hardly believe how that sounds but it sure is what happened isnt it?

JAKE: Partly thanks to a humdinger of a speech by yours truly but... um... but WOW never mind THAT old saw!

JAKE: What im saying is... i dont know what im saying? We guys need to stick together sometimes and live our lives and not...

JAKE: Well. Play such ornamental roles in the lives of our important and powerful womanly counterparts dear to us though they be!

JAKE: I think maybe im saying we should hang out more dirk??

JAKE: No pressure i mean! When you get back from your extraterrestrial camping trip of course!

JAKE: Um...

JAKE: When did you say you were coming back?

DIRK: I won’t be coming back, Jake.

JAKE: Like

JAKE: Wait.

JAKE: You arent...

DIRK: Coming back.

DIRK: Ever.

JAKE: Ever???

DIRK: Yeah.

JAKE: But...

JAKE: I dont

JAKE: Why dirk?????

JAKE: Please...

JAKE: Please take me with you dirk.

DIRK: I can’t do that, Jake.

DIRK: It’s not within the parameters of the mission.

JAKE: But...!

JAKE: What mission!

JAKE: I... cant do this alone dirk!

JAKE: This life... this... whatever is happening now. Whatevers expected of me...

JAKE: I cant do it.

JAKE: Not without you!

DIRK: You’re going to have to, man.

DIRK: Jane needs you now more than ever.

DIRK: She has a tough road ahead.

DIRK: It’s hard running a planet, but she’ll whip it into shape.

DIRK: I trust her, and so should you.

JAKE: B-but!

DIRK: She needs you at her side.

DIRK: If all goes well, she’ll rule Earth C for millions of years, and you’ll be critical to that reign.

JAKE: But i dont know what to DO dirk!

JAKE: I dont know HOW to help someone rule!

JAKE: I wouldnt know the first thing about... strategy or advising or policy or...

DIRK: Uh, Jake. Nobody wants you to do any of that.

DIRK: Well, I know Jane sure doesn’t.

JAKE: Then... what...

DIRK: You’ll just be, you know.

DIRK: Her candy boy?

JAKE: CANDY BOY???

DIRK: Yeah. Being on call.

DIRK: Serving a multimillion-year term of giving her the right kind of “presidential action” she needs to keep going. To keep her morale up and such.

DIRK: To provide her with many heirs.

DIRK: Doesn’t that sound cool?

JAKE: HEIRS??

DIRK: Yeah, like. Kids. A lot of them.

DIRK: Think about it. You could have thousands of kids.

DIRK: They’ll all grow old and die, because they aren’t god tiers like both of you are.

DIRK: But you just keep having more.

DIRK: Sounds pretty badass to me. Like getting to live through your entire future family tree.

DIRK: To watch your own endlessly branching dynasty flourish.

DIRK: I’m almost a little jealous.

JAKE: NO!!!

JAKE: That sounds... DREADFUL!

JAKE: DIRK PLEASE!

DIRK: Time to man up, Jake.

DIRK: This is what your life is now. It’s only bad if you treat it this way.

DIRK: It’s actually fantastic. Someday you’ll get it.

JAKE: No dirk!

JAKE: I cant bear to let you go!

JAKE: Youve... youve meant so much to me my whole life!

JAKE: I probably did a bad job of showing that because im such a shitty blubbering fucking numbnut IDIOT!

JAKE: You dont think i KNOW im a fucking bonehead who no one respects!!!

JAKE: But youre all i have to keep me anchored to ANY feeling of true self worth i ever had!

JAKE: You taught me so much! Remember the old days in sburb dirk?

JAKE: Those days were the absolute BEES KNEES! Jesus christopher CLOWNCOCK dirk!

JAKE: You taught me... taught me about...

JAKE: Combat! Philosophy! Life! Love!

JAKE: LOVE dirk!

JAKE: I dont... im so bad with feelings... i never said it when we were together but i... i...

JAKE: i LOVE you dirk!

JAKE: I LOVE YOU!

JAKE: THERE I SAID IT I LOVE YOU!

JAKE: IVE NEVER LOVED ANYONE SO MUCH IN MY WHOLE LIFE!

JAKE: Dirk im BEGGING you just take me with you!

JAKE: Its... its fine! You dont have to love me!

JAKE: Im ok with that! Whatever you want!

JAKE: I just need to be with you! Near you! ANYTHING!

JAKE: I cant stay here! Please not without you!

JAKE: I want to be anywhere but here as long as its with YOU!!!

DIRK: I’m sorry, Jake.

DIRK: But I’ll never let you break my heart again.

[tranquilspot]

John: Examine GameBro Magazine.

CW: toxic masculinity, in-text misogyny, mention of someone getting hurt, stairs

Oh boy, the first long block of text I am mandatorily obliged to read for the sake of this reread.

I know that it's a parody, a joke both for the magazine writers and the author themselves, but this dude should be fired. You know, a GOOD reviewer would try to leave their confort zone and be curious of any kind a video genre. I like simulation, point n click adventures, puzzles, and action adventure games. Indies are the best! But you know what? I get interested by horror, rogue-like, turn-based strategy, first person shooters, heck I even played GTA and watched a bit of Yakuza. But that's not my favourite thing. And despite it all, I learned to be at least a minimum intrigued by other genre. So while it's fiction, it's shameful and disappointing that this dude played like, 5-10 minutes at the very most of Sburb and decided that it was lame and not worth his time.

His reason?

Because he didn't get to destroy stuff. Not only it's dumb and unrealistic to expect every single game to have destruction as part of the gameplay, if not the main gimmick if his attitude is to be trusted, but his impatience turned on him. Because you get to destroy things. TT did it (on purpose), GG did it (by accident). And he could get what he wanted if he didn't judge the book, rather the game here, by its cover and continued to play with his friend at Sburb.

It reminds me of a good article about masculinity in video games and its community. Go give it a shot if you're interested, it's in french but you can put the article in a translator. 'Video games have been parasitized by masculinist imaginary' End of the aside, let's dig into the article properly.

John: Read article.

Non native english speakers when they want to make transitions x)

"cats"? That's a lame way to designate people.*quick research* Hmm I was convinced he was specifically narrowing it to women players, cause I would have translating it to 'minettes' in french. But 'cats' in this context is 'guy'. But as in 'men' or 'people' in general? It's 2009, and the golden age of let's play is 2012, so it's tricky to pin out exactly if it's still a stereotyped period or if the game industry is more open to other genders (read as: cisgender girls, not a lot of neutrality or lgbt+ content during that time). What was I playing, raised as a cis girl in 2009? I checked and the Sims 3 was released that year but I barely discovered the series so I was playing the Sims 2. I mean, nobody forcing you to write anyway, dude.

I hate that he's fakely open-minded. "Like yeah to each their own, but breaking stuff is actually the real shit ". It irks me.

I'm glad he would be booed nowadays. You can't unironically write stuff like that and not expecting some backlash. He probably doesn't care, he won't suffer any consequences.

When in doubt, my buddy Urban dictionary is here to the rescue! Ok so 'wicked up' is being wasted, but how does 'ins' come into it?

*more research* Hmmm o.kay. Man bro slang can be difficult to decipher. Don't get my started with "the hook" and "pirouette off the handle" and all that. With the whole Strider lingo, there's still trouble to come..

What? What about my mom? She could murder you with words, you know. She isn't one to be stepped on and I'm proud of her <3 You gave 1.5 hats because I'm pretty sure you have to give a mandatory minimum note to a game. I mean, I don't really care. You'll be dead with the rest of humanity in a few hours. Really played yourself here.

I'll allow it, this article is terrible and going nowhere so at this point, who cares?

Oh fuck yeah! I saw it in theaters when it came out. I don't remember much of it cause it was more than 10 years ago, but I remember liking it. I saw it with my brother, and maybe my mom. Idk too far to recall.

D:

oh nooo!

May Dennis have a prompt and good recovery.

Also, 'huge useless tool against wet grass' would be so confusing for someone who doesn't quite master the english language. If we took it at face value, it's like rubber screwdriver dripping in morning dew. That's.. quite cute and poetic actually. A forgotten toy caressed by the grass and water.

What a shame indeed. *quick translation* Wow what an advanced word to use all of the sudden. 'girth' ooh boy I'm so glad to learn so many new words, and I will totally not forget them the next morning /sarcasm /half-joke

At least he's nice enough to wait and try again to watch it. Wait, is 'Brotel Rwanda' his name? Or at the very least his pen name. Rwanda is a country in Africa, and the first name got 'bro' in it. It sounds fake, gonna be the latter.

This article too, was perfectly wasted. That was boring yet I manage to deliver a whole-ass post.

Alright, let's go back to John's shenanigans, shall we? —>

[simsandchesscrossover]

The rest of the kids/trolls would show up later in the 'series'. Bro would probably be the antagonist for one season, similarly to Moreau, but Crockercorp would be the overarching villain.

-Speaking of Crockercorp, Roxy has an online friend with a startling amount of insider information that she claims she got by "Sleuthing around." In reality, Jane is a sort of mafia princess to the condesce, who is hiding the company's less legal activities until she's sure Jane will be willing to carry them on. The mafia is no match for a detective, and Jane has been secretly investigating her whole life- which makes her the perfect man on the inside.

-When trying to find evidence against Bro, the team discovers that he's been sending hundreds of dollars a month to an unknown address. Much earlier in his career as an assassin, he had another child, but back then he felt that he wasn't secure enough and that it would be a liability. So, in his child-rearing wisdom, he abandoned Dirk at a random safe house and left him to fend for himself. Except for the money, of course. You can't expect a toddler to get a job. That's ridiculous.

(Side note- I imagine Dirk and Dave's first conversation going something like this:

"hey so this is kind of weird but i think i might be your brother"

"I know who you are. David Strider*, trained under the best assassin in the world**. Let's see if it did you any good."

"dude what the fuck"

-*Dave isn't short for anything.

-**This just isn't true.)

-Kanaya is Rose's wife, and she regularly angsts over having to hide her murder phase from her. She knows. She hasn't said anything because she's kind of into it.

-Much like the team get an office above a restaurant in the original show, here they get the space above the most stereotypical rom com coffee shop imaginable. It is, of course, owned by Karkat.

-Jake sort of takes the role of Sophie, except he would appear much later. And, of course, he has the enemy/accomplice relationship with Dirk. Jake is thinking 'Oh joy! A chance to lend a hand to an upstart crime ring and see an old friend!' while Dirk is losing his mind trying to find out what his motive is.

-Terezi is Jim Sterling. No further comment.

Thinking about a homestuck Leverage AU...

-Rose is the mastermind. Her turn to the less-legal side of things would probably parallel going grimdark (Mom Lalonde is dying for backstory reasons, rip), and there would be a period of straight-up vigilante justice before she realizes killing random CEOs is wrong and forms the team.

-Speaking of forming the team, the first person she recruits is her estranged brother, who trained under one of the deadliest assassins in the world. That 'training' is more accurately described as child abuse, and Dave isn't particularly interested in getting back into that life. Rose tells him he'll be helping people this time, and convinces him to go on just one job: to steal the Ring Fourfold, a priceless artifact and cornerstone of carapacian culture that's been taken and sold by art thieves.

-They'll need a way to get past museum security, so Rose looks for a white-hat hacker that will be willing to help them. She finds an incredibly talented one who goes by ectoBiologist, but he's insistent that he only works alone. By doing some digging, Rose finds out why: John Egbert, the one who's been taking credit for the hacks, is absolutely useless at coding. She confronts him and finds that he's been doing so to cover for Roxy, who needed to stay under the radar due to having angered a crime boss known as the Condesce.

-Roxy agrees to help them get the ring, but they still need a grifter and a thief. Grifters are difficult to get a hold of, due to the nature of their jobs, but Dave points out that John has been convincing people he's a master-class hacker for years. With a bit of training, he'd be a... if not perfect, acceptable fit.

-Now they just need a thief, and Rose's sources tell her that one Jade Harley, in the country for a limited time, would be good for the job. After all, climbing a volcano isn't all that different from climbing a building, and Jade is reported to be unbelievably good- she almost seems to teleport.

And that's the team! I'll probably post about what the other characters would be like in this au later.