#shit shart blood fart

[sneggley]

I like it when I spill coffee on myself. It makes me smell good. When I lay down, I like to huff the sleeve I spilled on. It makes me think about you and the warm mornings I've experienced.

I miss bringing you coffee and accidentally dripping a bit on the stairs, and feeling the warmth in my hands as I lean into you and tell you about my dreams. I miss eventually drinking yours because you usually prefer tea.

I love you, good morning.

[raestarz]

Rookie Hour

Chapter two - How bad is this gonna get?!

A/N: Kyaire is 19 and as we all know Leon is 21, there will be smut but I love a good slow burn :)

Once again, thank you @neteyamsmunch for inspiring me to post this

Word count: 4.1 k

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As Leon and I entered the police station, I took a quick look around examining the two pathways, one being closed off, the other was a shutter that was left slightly ajar. I decided to take a chance while still looking around, “Hello! Is anybody here?!” I shout walking over to the shutter. I pull the lever and it opens the shutter a bit more before stopping. “Hey Kyaire, come look at this.” Leon spoke and I walked over to him, “Huh?” I glanced at what he was looking at on the CCTV laptop, “There has to be someone here right?” I nod slightly, “I guess so.” Not really sure if there would be anyone left considering how it looks inside of here, I see a man shooting at zombies in one of the cameras. “Hey! Look,” I point at the video. Leon clicks on the camera footage, “Not good.” Oh yeah it definitely wasn’t no duh, Leon. Leon continued to click to the next camera that the man showed up in, he eventually spoke through the camera, “David! Marvin! You there!?” the man sounds panicked and terrified, he looks at the camera and holds up a small journal to the camera, “I found a way out! It’s in here!” I squint my eyes at the camera and look at the slightly ajar shutter, “Huh…” I start to think and walk over to the shutter as Leon keeps watching the CCTV. I hear the man speak again, “Send reinforcements! East Hallway!” I start to connect two and two together, of course… This shutter is to the east. I hear Leon walk over to me and I turn to him, “We gotta find that guy Kyaire.” I nod, “I’m guessing he’s over here?” Nodding my head toward the shutter and grimacing seeing the blood trail and the “KEEP OUT” sign. Leon nods, “Alright fuck it, just know you're doing all the shooting till I get a gun.” Leon looks a bit confused, “You know how to shoot a gun?” I nod and shrug my shoulders. “I mean yeah, I’m friends with the gun shop owner in town.”

Leon nods and starts to climb under the shutter, looking around with his flashlight and gives me the clear when he doesn’t see any immediate threats standing up on the other side. “Alright, Kyaire. It’s okay.” I raise my brows, “For now.” I mutter and climb under the shutter after Leon. “Aw what the fuck…” I grimace as I climb through fully and see the blood on the floor and on the walls. I shudder looking at the blood and hold back bile as I look at surroundings, “You alright?” Leon asks softly, his voice was so kind and understanding. I nodded slowly, “Let’s just keep going, no time to waste.�� Leon nodded and started to walk toward the location of that officer, I followed behind him closely keeping an eye out for him. As we made our way down this dark ass hallway I mentally groaned, I heard Leon mutter something, “Huh?” Leon looks back at me and scratches the back of his neck flustered, “Ah, nothing…Sorry.” I nod slowly as we continued to make our way down the hall, going into what looks like a conference room with more blood and a dead body in there, well shit who wants to bet twenty that, that fucker is gonna get up, and then dude looks like he farted and sharted on himself as well. Leon goes over to the corner switch flicking it on and surprisingly the fucker doesn’t get up and jump on him. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, looking around the room trying to find any sort of weapon I can use. Leon looks over at me, “Whatcha looking for?” I glance over at him, “Oh, just a weapon or something, I don’t wanna be a liability.” Leon nods slowly, “I’ll keep an eye out for something okay?” I nod back giving him a small smile as I take one of my dreadlocks and wrap it up and around my other ones to make a ponytail. Never be too careful…

…

We finally get to the corridor where the officer is, seeing plenty of dead officers bodies and civilians as well. I grimace, and go to the officer's body leaning against the wall, I search his body and find his handgun along with his flashlight. I checked his handgun, finding the standard twelve rounds and searching his body for more ammo, putting it in my back pocket. “Alright, now I can be the best final girl.” I laughed softly and kept the handgun in my hands, Leon looked at me as if asking if I was ready and I nodded. God, I can't believe pretty boy here wanted to be a police officer, actually I can believe it. I’m about to speak before I hear the officer screaming for help, “OPEN UP! HURRY! OPEN UP!” Both Leon and I’s heads whipped toward his voice and we jog into the office near the shutter to where it was coming from. We just get inside the little corner office before we hear a, “OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR!” I roll my eyes at the officer, but realize this is a life or death situation and no longer a game of cat and mouse, we move quickly to the shutter and start to lift it, the police officer starts to crawl under it face first he reaches his hand out holding the journal and it takes everything in me to not determine this cop a lost cause grab the journal and leave him for dead…Like everything in me, I sigh, “Give me your hand!” Leon shouts being a goodie two shoes as the officer begs for help as I continue to try to pull up the shutter Leon grabs the officer's hand helping pulling him out, “C’mon I got you.” he muttered. The officer turns over and grabs Leon’s other hand as I hear a zombie growling on the other side of the shutter. I groan, “Leon hurry!” still trying to pull up the shutter to no avail so I give up on it and try to help pull in the officer, the officer has blood splash all over his body and that can only mean one thing…the zombie fucker got to him, “Oh god…” I breathe a look of panic coming over my face Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I can't do this, it's too damn much. I guess Leon sees the look on my face, his voice is reassuring but also determined to help this officer, “Kyaire focus, it’ll be okay.” I glance at Leon and nod, “Ok.” I breathe and focus on getting the officer out, the officer is now screaming in pain and there’s more blood seeping the floor into my jeans and my Doc Martens, oh great, I just got these yesterday dammit. There’s now more struggle pulling the officer in, “Hang in there!” Leon assures the screaming officer as the struggle finally stops and we pull out the top half of the officer's body, and my eyes widen as I see his guts on the floor…Oh hell no I didn’t sign up for this. Oh my fucking god.

I take a breath to calm myself, then I see the zombie that tore the officer to shreds reaching out under the shutter grabbing his guts. Leon looks shaken up himself as the officer is somehow still alive like a chicken with its head cut off, Leon mutters, “Jesus Christ…” The officer dies in Leon’s arms and we both stare at each other, grief stricken for a moment before Leon shakes his head deciding not to live in this moment of sadness. He grabs the officer’s journal flipping through, not understanding the context within the contents. I hear banging on the door leading into the office, “Leon,” my voice croaks, sounding broken, “We…we gotta go.” I say between tears, gulping I shake away my feelings. I stand up fully and take my handgun out ready for whatever’s on the other side, a zombie bursts through and I’m quick to shoot a headshot into its skull three times before it bursts and goes down. We start to run out of the office and through the hall back to where we came from, dodging a zombie that bursts through the glass. Oh my god! How bad could this get?! I just want a break! Two more zombies pop up ahead of us, Leon yells a quick, “Jesus Christ!” And we both pick and take down each one with our guns. Quickly maneuvering around their bodies, back toward the shutter I get there first and start to climb under, barely getting through before I stand up out of breath. I see Leon coming under, having to lift the shutter up with his shoulders, damn he’s kinda built…this isn’t the time for that Kyaire! He’s almost out before a zombie randomly grabs his foot, he yells, “Goddammit! Kyaire!” I nod quickly and start to pull Leon under before another officer helps pull Leon out fully, “Watch out!” I warn and the officer slams the shutter on top of the zombie’s head with his foot. Both me and Leon look up at the officer who was clearly fucked…UP. Like bad, the officer is panting and looks at us both, “You're safe. For now.” The officer groans and leans against the shutter, “Thanks…” Leon breathed still out of breath and panicked from the incident. The officer introduced himself, “Marvin Branagh,” I nod in acknowledgement of his name. Leon talks first before I can, “Leon Kennedy and Kyaire Birkin…” Leon stammers trying to explain what happened earlier, “There was another officer…I-I couldn’t…We couldn’t…” He gasps taking shuddering breaths, I step toward Leon and crouching down, I put a comforting hand on his shoulder, “We tried, ok? That’s all that matters,” Marvin nods in agreement and helps lift Leon up. Marvin tries to give some extra reassurance, “I’m sure you did what you two could. Ok, Leon?” Leon nods.

…

Leon comes back from an off distance door in a police uniform and I let out a low whistle, I had no idea someone could look this good in a uniform. Marvin side eyes me and smirks as Leon walks in, “Does anyone know what started this?” Leon asks earnestly. Marvin shakes his head as he checks the CCTV on the laptop from before, “Not a clue. But honestly, all you two need to know is that this place will eat you alive if you aren’t careful.” I nod in acknowledgement as Leon hands me a holster with a pouch like he has, “Sorry, couldn’t find any female uniforms.” I grab the pouch and click it around my waist, “That’s fine, really wouldn’t wanna be associated with the RPD anyway.” I state smirking and the two officers give me a ‘Really?’ look and I shrug, “Sorry…” Leon checks his gun as he adjusts his uniform, “Yeah…well, I was supposed to start last week and I got a call to stay away. I wish I’d come here sooner.” Leon shrugs as if he was gonna actually be able to stop this outbreak a week ago, I shake my head and stifle a laugh. “You’re here now, Leon. That’s all that matters…” Marvin states and I nod in agreement. Leon glances at me to see if I’m ready and I nod, “I’m ready whenever you are, rookie.” I smirk teasingly, Leon shakes his head, a small smile gracing over his lips. Leon walks over to Marvin, “Ok. Lieutenant, we’re ready.” Marvin is looking at the journal we found earlier, going over the pages, “Hopefully, you’ll be able to find a way out of this station.” He sounds so hopeful, I sigh, listening to his words, “That officer you met earlier─Elliot,” I raise a brow in acknowledgement while, Leon nods slowly as Marvin shows him the stuff in the journal pointing at the pictures with the statues, “He thought this secret passageway might do the trick.” Leon takes the journal looking at where Marvin pointed and smiled looking at Marvin, who was shuddering in pain, “This is good news. We can get you to a hospital.” Leon said hopefully. Marvin shook his head, “No, no, I am not the priority here. You need to get you and her,” Marvin nods at me, “out of here.”

Leon looks at me and back at Marvin, “Lieutenant, I’m not just gonna leave you here─” Marvin looks at Leon and bursts out in anger but his voice was also stern, “I’m giving you an order, rookie. You save yourself and this girl first.” He takes a breath calming down his anger, “I’d come with you both, but I'd just slow you down…” I let out a sigh, feeling bad for Marvin and his situation. Marvin looks down and hands Leon a knife, “Now you’ll need this,” Leon shakes his head denying the knife, “I can’t take─” Marvin interrupts him, “Stop.” Leon sighs and takes the knife from Marvin. Marvin’s face goes serious as he looks at the both of us, “And don’t make my mistake. If you see one of those things─ uniform or not─ you do not hesitate. You take it out…or you run. Got it!?” Leon nods and gives a quick, “Yes, sir.” Marvin looks at me giving me a stern look, and I nod, he winces in pain and sits on the couch again. Me and Leon look at each other and give a silent nod of understanding.

We step away from Marvin and I start the conversation, “Now what?” Leon shakes his head slightly and takes out the journal, “I guess we find the medallions and get outta here, huh?” I nod and Leon leads the way, going over to the locked off pathway. Leon takes his new knife and slices the tape from it, opening it and pulling the lever, he glances at me as the pathway opens up, “You ready Ky?” I raise a brow, “Ky?” Leon looks away flustered, “I figured it would make sense ya know? Plus in case there’s danger, it’s quicker off the tongue.” I hum and nod, I wonder if that’s the only reason he wanted to call me that, “Okay, that’s fine. Yeah, I’m ready.” We start to go inside and Leon chuckles darkly, “This is not how I imagined my first day…” I laugh and shake my head, “I can imagine.” We both smile softly and go through the door both clicking on our flashlights, walking down the hall and seeing a dead body on the floor. Leon walks over hearing a radio go off, static in between words, “This is 73-Bird── for rescue.” Leon walks over to the dead body, crouching down and hums, “What..?” he lifts up the person's head their jaw nearly comes completely off, I suck in a breath trying to keep myself from puking, “Leon, what the fuck are you doing?” I hissed, looking around and down the hall. Leon sucks in a breath, “Oh…Oh, what the fuck!?” whisper shouting, “Uh no duh, what the fuck, let go of it’s head.” I direct and we both hear a can come down the hall, we both snap our heads at the same time, “Huh?” we say in synchronization. We continue to go down the hall, me following closely behind him jogging, we see a zombie pop up in the window, Leon mutters a quick, “Shit!” Well, shit someone has quite the potty mouth, I laugh softly. We continue to go down the hall and we hear the window break as the zombie gets through it. We quickly make a right into another room, “Oh my god, everytime I turn around there’s another damn zombie.” I grumble and take a breath. “Are you doing okay, Ky?” Leon asks, his voice soft as he walks over to me and touches my shoulder. “Yeah, yeah…I’m okay Leon.” I breathe and the hairs on my neck stand up as the zombie busts into the room, I turn around swiftly shooting it in the head. These fucking things are so damn annoying, it almost makes me sick having to kill things that used to be people. Almost. Leon grabs the map on the board, then nods his head toward the only escape out. Up the extra storage and hopping out through the broken window Leon gives me a hand up and helps me out first, I land on my feet and move to the side as Leon jumps through as well. We both hold back a laugh as we see the oversized zombie banging on the vending machine comically, Leon takes out the zombie swiftly and I give him a fist bump, “Good shit, Kennedy.” Leon smiles and nods, “Thanks, Ky.”

…

We continue to explore around the police department taking out zombies while also solving combinations, grabbing more ammo and keypads to unlock more things in the Safety Deposit Room. We get to the library when Marvin radios Leon, “Leon, it’s Marvin. I need you two back here ASAP.” We both looked at each concerned for Marvin wondering if his condition was getting worse, and I knew if worse went to bat shit crazy. I would be the one to put Marvin down. Leon radioed him back, “Are you okay, Marvin?” Marvin is quick to respond, “I’ve got something to show y’all. It’s important.” Leon glanced at me and I nodded, whatever’s up ahead can’t possibly be worse than what we’re dealing with right now. It’s been a pretty easy night so far, “Copy that, we’ll be right there.” Leon reassured the man as we started to head back to the center of the police station toward Marvin after we finally got our first medallion, from the Unicorn statue.

…

We get back and Marvin looks so much worse than before, I frown slightly at his worsening condition. “There you two are…Come on, take a look.” Marvin clicks on a camera and it opens CCTV of Claire staring at a gate, “Oh, shit.” I gasp softly. Leon grins, “Yes! I knew she’d make it.” Leon nudges me softly smiling, knowing earlier while we were exploring I had spoken about my doubts of Claire surviving. I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms. Marvin looks at us, “Y’all know her?” Leon nods, “Yeah, name’s Claire. We came into town with her.” I nod agreeing with Leon. Marvin grunts, “You can get to that courtyard through the second floor…East side.” Leon looks over at the second floor and I follow his eyes, “We’re on it. Thanks Lieutenant.” I interject and smile softly at the officer. We head up the stairs finding the door to what would lead to the east courtyard, Leon takes out the spade key he found earlier opening the door getting through the Waiting Room. We go through the Waiting Room and start to head down the hallway when we hear a large crash. “Yo what the fuck?!” I scream looking panicked and Leon looks back at me, “Ky! Everything okay?” He gives me a quick once over, his eyes full of concern and grabs my shoulders. I’m shaken up, this is too fucking much. I can’t handle this, I’m not prepared or trained for shit. I take a breath and my eyes finally meet his concerned ones, Shit. Shit. Shit. I close my eyes for a moment and swallow whatever feeling I was gonna feel. I’m not gonna have some cliche movie romance shit, that’s dumb. I nod as I open my eyes again, “Y-Yeah, I’m okay. I'm just starting to get so overwhelmed, I don’t understand how you can act as if everything is so normal…So okay.” Leon lets out a small laugh, without any humor, “Nothing that’s happening is normal right now. Nothing at all, but I’m keeping shit together for us? You know? So we can get outta here.” Leon gives me a determined look and I nod, “Okay. Just gotta keep my shit together.” Leon nods back and smiles, we both head out and down the exit to where Claire is.

The rain pours on us as Leon looks over the balcony excitedly, “CLAIRE! HOLD ON WE’LL BE RIGHT THERE!” Claire looks back at us and smiles happily, “OK!” Leon races down the steps and I follow behind him, seeing the helicopter catch on fire. Oh fuck…That isn’t good. We get down the stairs to Claire, us being separated by the gate, I smile as I approach Claire leaning against the gate next to the gate door as Leon leans against the gate door. “Claire…It is so nice to see you. I’m being suffocated by testosterone here.” I joke laughing softly. Claire laughs back and shakes her head, “How’re you two doing? That helicopter came outta nowhere…” Leon looks back at the helicopter, “Yeah…We’re in one piece.” I nod in agreement smiling. Claire gives Leon a once over at his uniform, she is so clearly checking him out, but honestly I don’t blame her any hot man in a uniform, makes me slightly feral. She smiles back, “I’m guessing you don’t have a key in one of those fancy pockets?” Leon looks down slightly embarrassed, “Uh…Unfortunately, no…But, how are you doing?” Claire sighs and leans against the gate door, “You know, just surviving.” Oh my God, she is so flirting with Leon. This is hilarious. Leon leans back against the door, clearly, so oblivious to her flirting, “That’s good. Any luck with your brother?” Claire grimaces and shakes her head, “No, not yet.” I smile and interject, “Claire, don’t lose hope…I’m sure we’re gonna find him─” getting cut off as well when the helicopter explodes, we all jump and look up at the now flaming helicopter. “Oh for fucks’ sake,” I mutter annoyed. Leon looks back at me and Claire when the fire alarm starts to sound, “Dammit. You know what that means…” Me and Claire glance at each other, “Yeah…Dinner time.” We say synchronized and laugh slightly. Claire turns around taking out her gun and facing the zombies rising from their ‘slumber.’ Leon looks concerned as he sees what troubles await Claire, “Claire, I think you should go.” I nod in agreement, Claire looks back smiling softly, “Don’t worry about me, Leon. You two take care of yourselves, have each other’s backs.”

Leon grabs the gate door, emphasizing his point, “Claire, you need to go─ NOW!” Claire looks back taking what he says more seriously and nodding, she takes a couple steps away from the gate toward what waits for her. Claire looks back at us, “Hey…Let’s get through this. All three of us.” I think about Sherry for a moment, “Hey, if you see my sister, somehow…She has a pendant like mine!” I quickly hold up my matching pendant of hers. Claire nods and runs away, Leon looks at me confused, “You have a sister?” I nod, “Yeah, we’re not biologically siblings but we’re siblings…” Leon looks even more confused, “As in…she’s not black, Leon.” I laugh softly at his cluelessness. He nods slowly, “Oh…Well I’m sure if she was, she would be as beautiful as you.” He smiles cheekily and I roll my eyes, adjusting my nose piercing. Leon radios in, “Uh, Marvin. We’ve got a situation here…We’re surrounded by zombies!” We both look at each other slightly panicked as zombies crowd the gate, Leon continues to try to contact Marvin as I see some bolt cutters, I quickly cut the chain on the door. “Leon, c’mon!” Pushing the door open, Leon follows quickly behind me. I go to another chained door, reading ‘East Office’ Leon follows behind me again quickly grabbing the grenade on a desk. I quickly go into the other office finding the round handle to the problem in the bathrooms. As soon as I step out, Leon runs up to me, “Ky, let’s go. I got everything in here.” I nod, “Aight, let’s go…” Leon runs to remove the chair in front of the door, I take down a zombie that was on Leon’s right quickly approaching him. We run out of the room and Leon puts the fuse into the fuse box, the shutter finally opens fully. We both smile at each other grinning, Leon gives me a once over, “Oh, wow. I didn’t even notice your piercings.” I smile at him and look away a bit taken aback, “Oh these? They aren’t anything.” Leon chuckles softly, “Well they suit your attitude, minus this one moment.” He teases. I roll my eyes, “Let’s just focus on getting outta here, hm?” I walk ahead and start to walk ahead toward the bathroom on the second floor with the broken pipes.

Maybe cops aren’t so bad after all?

Nah, this one just isn’t corrupted.

[yamagucji]

Embarrassing moments

warnings. just for shits n giggles, 14+ readers preferably, mentions of vomit, poop, choking, etc.

HINATA was extremely constipated and needed to use the bathroom quick. but there’s a long line to the mens bathroom (what’s the occasion anyway??) and he’s standing all the way at the back. poor hinata felt a fart coming so he just couldn’t... hold it in. mans SHARTED. shitted and farted at the same time. it stunk so bad that the guys in front of him said, “damn, you need the toilet more than me,” and let him cut in line.

USHIJIMA and tendou stopped to pet this dog during their walk. tendou’s conversing with the owner while toshi’s petting the dog. dog likes it, it’s all good. until... it got bored and decided that toshi’s butt smelled good. dog just wouldn’t stop sniffing his ass. “please, stop smelling me,” toshi says with desperation, which now catches the others’ attention. the owner has to pry their dog away from toshi’s ass cheeks, please. the awkward tension kinda dies down until tendou utters, “so, what’s your secret? what product are you using?”

YAMAGUCHI drank water in the middle of silent class reading. this boy started choking— and i mean choking on his water. you can hear his muffled coughs in the distance and when you turn around to look at him, his face is all red and his cheeks are puffy. none of his classmates say anything but you can practically feel second-hand embarrassment oozing around. the assistant teacher even has the audacity to say, “drink some water.”

KENMA’s calling this one his last try. he sticks his remaining coins into the slot and tries to get the brand new nintendo box thats in the machine. mf has been going at this for over twenty minutes now. his pouch is empty and there’s a crowd of kids waiting for him. no miracle happens in his last try (shit got stuck!!) so he has to move away only to watch in horror— as the kid after him manages to get it. you’re gonna have to hold kenma down before he hunts that kid with every bit of his soul.

DAICHI had a fat one coming in, that’s for sure. thought it was a free real estate just because everyone else in the camp seemed asleep. so he let that monster fart come out (even partly stuck out his thigh for better airway). whole team was awake in a matter of seconds. nishinoya’s jumped off his sleeping bag and asking everyone if they heard that “loud bang.” tanaka’s over here sniffing around because he knows that no one has got some kind of bomb that stinks.

SAKUSA’s not gonna admit to this one. but one time he opened a bathroom stall (it was unlocked) only to find that it was occupied. there are no words to accurately describe just how horried the sight was. sitting on the toilet was a man taking a shit, with his dick on full boner mode, staring back at sakusa. they only made eye contact for just 2 seconds but sakusa’s seen enough. he’s heard enough too, when said stranger asked him, “you wanna join me?”

ASAHI projectile vomited at the theaters. you should’ve known it was a bad idea to take him out to dinner before going to watch a scary movie. man had no courage to tell you he had an upset stomach nor tell you he’s not a fan of horror. it’s twenty minutes into the movie and he’s poking your arm— but you don’t notice because you’re too engrossed. another twenty minutes, and a jumpscare comes on. man beside you vomits like there’s no tomorrow. ya’ll spend the rest of the movie secretly trying to clean his throw-up.

TENDOU was watching anime in his dorm peacefully. until... the whole shiratorizawa team opened the door just in time for the show to switch up to an inappropriate scene. out of all the times they could’ve walked in, they really had to come when 2d clown man was moaning and fighting a kid? tendou scrambled to close his laptop but now he’s just staring back at his teammates; silent, except for the fact that his show is still playing and you can still hearing moaning in the background.

TSUKISHIMA turned his house upside down and still couldn’t find his glasses, nor his extra pair. he was about to leave bare eyed until his mom caught him and forced him to wear his sports glasses. yeah, the one with the whole strap and everything. mans looked like a fool coming to school with it on. people who didn’t know it was his sports glasses mistook it for swimming goggles. he’s so utterly humiliated now, he can’t even bite back when hinata or kageyama says something.

GOSHIKI... i don’t even know what to tell you. who let this kid go further into the lake by himself? it’s all fun and games for everyone until you hear an ear-defeaning shriek by your one and only goshiki. he’s yelling out, “help me! please! help!!” the lifeguards start kicking in and everyone’s trying to make way. is he drowning? is there something there? no for god’s sake. you find out he just made it 5 ft deep and happened to swim over a bunch of seaweed. never take him swimming again.

ATSUMU decided to check himself out using someone’s car window. he’s fixing his hair, picking at his teeth, and even checking to see if he has any boogers. all of a sudden the window rolls down and there’s a senior citizen staring back at him. “boy do you think my car is your mirror?” the man says in a gruffy voice. atsumu’s knees nearly buckle from how scary this man is and how embarrassed he is of all the four minutes he probably spent with this stranger.

SACHIRO’s job as a vet sometimes makes him do really questionable shit (from an outsider perspective). once he had to ejaculate someone’s dog in front of their owner. uh huh... jack them off, for the sole purpose of examining the dog’s semen. he’s never felt such a wave of regret wash through his body during that whole procedure. it didn’t help when the owner was looking at him mortified, nor the fact that it took such a long time.

OIKAWA does this thing were he shows up unexpectedly behind iwaizumi and slaps his ass. everytime he does it iwa always hits him back (but not the ass). today he learnt his lesson when he mistook a stranger for iwa and slapped the guys ass from the moon and back. when i tell you just how quick all the blood drained from oikawa’s body when the man turned around— you can hear a bag of chips fall at the other end of the aisle and it’s the iwa, who had to witness that whole ass-slap event.

ARAN is gonna knock the shit of the miya twins one day, he swears to god. they sent him a mysterious video during his morning walk, where he stopped at a busy street. it starts off quiet, so he goes to turn the volume up full blast. damn video suddenly started blaring ‘lick my pussy and my-’ please... he’s shaking. passerby’s are looking at him with distaste. aran’s now flushed from embarrassment and running towards the miya house. you can guess what happens next.

BOKUTO walked into the wrong house. spent a whole ten minutes rummaging around the kitchen because his friend said to “make yourself comfortable, i’ll be on my way.” little did this man know that there’s a whole family upstairs waiting for the cops to arrive because they think it’s a robbery. poor bokuto, dragged out of the house by some cops but had no idea what was going on. man was literally just vibing— thinking he was in his friends house.

OSAMU swore this size pants still fit him (hint: it doesn’t). he’s walking through the snack section of the store, lightly limping because damn his dick can’t breath. his truth is tested when he goes to pick something off the lowest shelf and his pants literally go, ‘let er rip.’ fabric tore, and what’s worse is that he was wearing onigiri undies. osamu goes to check if there’s anyone else in the aisle and there is— a group of underclassmen girls from his high school.

KUROO tried to make his chemistry presentation more interesting by putting in jokes. he thought they were funny; kenma even huffed a breath. kuroo’s at his third joke by now and literally no one has laughed. not a single one. except for kuroo himself, who’s awkwardly laughing in a dead-silent room. man was embarrassed. other people are getting second-hand embarrassment by the way they avoided eye contact with him. he vented to kenma later only for kenma to say, “it wasn’t funny. it was just stupid.” poor kuroo.

SUNA accidentally connected his bluetooth to the bus. you know, the one that drives all of inarizaki to their games. wanna guess what the fuck he might’ve been listening to? it’s porn. he’s watching porn in broad daylight. suna doesn’t realize what the issue is until he goes to turn up the volume and notices that the sound is off. he take his airpods off and that’s when he hears pure moaning sounds blaring inside the bus. everyone’s laughing— except for kita and their coach who’s still outside. mf calls himself lucky for that.

[basilly]

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ crackfics masterlist

pls don't take these seriously- PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK

written by: art, niss, basil, yams, acid, cher, earth, mitzi, and more!

cont.

cw// poop, farting, explosions, birth, toes, licking, drugs, and more random crack stuff

·˚ ༘ quackity

drinking quackity's poo

he chomps your head off

reader has a farting problem and is insecure about it

puppy swallows u whole

surprise bomb

stolen spine

lice

nightmares

laptop pregnancy

quackspolsion

sugar sweet pumpkin princess

feast

my limpy greens

sock

mmm cheetos

·˚ ༘ wilbur

wilbur pushed you off a cliff

the pickle banana

patches??

he dies from steak

having a philza baby

he hits you with 50 trucks

shoving a pickle down his throat

date night but w/ a whoppa

pouring wax down your throat

raccooninnit

shoving a wii remote down his throat

sussy baka

would you still love me if I was a worm?

furry suit

musical birth

cafe trauma

guitar mistress

pain distraction

little vanilla shake

pretty butterfly

sonic queen

love me, bitch

i wanna be your bite of 87

custom keyboard

princess and the frog

kinky bitch

sugar daddy dream

·˚ ༘ karl

karl's grapefruit talent

karl poops out your baby

he's sick and you help him

thrown frog

panqueques of death

nutcracker

empty google doc

·˚ ༘ george

sucking george's blood from a booboo

george cleaning your toes w/ his tongue

farting

choking

new hubby

ofc its cold

·˚ ༘ dream

sucking his toes

mason jar

part 2. the feet switch

shoving poop down dream's throat

deez nuts

crack in prison

lettuce

taller

stinking up the mirror maze

strangling (dream x niss)

stanky leg

sweet little hardboiled egg

too flat for me

toxic acid

tokyo drift & shit

industry plant

dreamie-boo

arts new necklace

·˚ ༘ techno

techno burning an orphanage

he pours nail polish down your throat

plucking his nose hairs

forever wash cycle

wap

ranch

enjoy my love

·˚ ༘ tommy

little meow meow

nail clippings

myLife Light Pink Flat Series (2 Piece Snap On) Hardshell Plates Case for the iPhone 5/5S (5G) 5th Generation Touch Phone (Clip Fitted Front and Back Solid Cover Case + Rubberized Tough Armor Skin)

·˚ ༘ ranboo

pickle explosive

football

earth trembling fart

·˚ ༘ badboyhalo

love you to the moon and back.. literally

·˚ ༘ sbi

fitness gram pacer test | cont.

·˚ ༘ niki

death by the 9

·˚ ༘ sapnap

salmon out of water

·˚ ༘ jack manifold

endearing

·˚ ༘ multiple

like a small boat.. in the ocean

sam takesover

raccooninnit and raccoontubbo

shart stage

·˚ ༘ basilly

apology | cont.

surprise

[weeklyhumorist]

#StinkyBooks

What’s that smell? The Tell-Tale Fart!? It’s #StinkyBooks on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

Let’s play #StinkyBooks with co-host @delaneyWHmag @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame #WeeklyHumoristHashtags https://t.co/RBuA4E1tGD pic.twitter.com/2DJ544j16g

— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) May 27, 2020

A Tree Grows in Jersey #StinkyBooks

— Kent Reed (or write) (@Hungerdom) May 27, 2020

The Fart Of The Deal #StinkyBooks pic.twitter.com/llC6L0EKPD

— Mister Race Bannon (@MrRaceBannon) May 27, 2020

50 Shades of Decay #StinkyBooks

— darrin stevens (@DarrinWS77) May 27, 2020

The Girl with the Dragon Breath #StinkyBooks pic.twitter.com/bMj7njZe1N

— Lily (@DontcallmeLil1) May 27, 2020

Horton hears a poo #StinkyBooks pic.twitter.com/pTbv9mTgQQ

— Lorna (@mysterytour9) May 27, 2020

Harry Potty #StinkyBooks

— Jesse Barfield (@JesseBarfieldPi) May 27, 2020

One Microwaved Fish, Two Microwaved Fish, Red Microwaved Fish, Blue Microwaved Fish#StinkyBooks

— Shine Bright 🌞🌟🌜 (@xmillrunner) May 27, 2020

Eat Poop Love #StinkyBooks

— 🍒Acidic Blonde™️ (@Acidic_Blonde) May 27, 2020

The Tell-Tale Fart#StinkyBooks

— Shine Bright 🌞🌟🌜 (@xmillrunner) May 27, 2020

Murder on the Durien Express #StinkyBooks pic.twitter.com/WrMDRKwYh4

— 僕はShanzo (@ShanzoNoji) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks

…. shIT.

— Okay, Oh Kay (@OKDJohnson001) May 27, 2020

Forrest Dump #StinkyBooks @paul_lander

— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) May 27, 2020

A River Rancid Wild #StinkyBooks

— Robyn staying in the nest (@robyndwoskin) May 27, 2020

The Secrete Life of Cheese #StinkyBooks

— Flamenco Nut ❄️ (@flamencobug) May 27, 2020

Decomposition notebook #StinkyBooks pic.twitter.com/0JLZsig8UB

— staMishincghost (@StamishincGhost) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks

Anne of Grime Gables

— Lee Ann (@LeeAnndelCasti4) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks Harry Potter And… The Philosopher’s Stool 💩 The Water Chamber of 💩 Secrets The Prisoner of Arse Kabang 💩 The Boglet 💩 Of Fire 🔥 (probably after a Vindaloo)

Take on the Half-Blood Prince and The Deathly Hallows yourselves 😎😉

— Tommy Coyne 🇬🇧 🇪🇺 😉👊😷 (@TommyCoyneBN1) May 27, 2020

For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls #StinkyBooks @bleicher_newton

— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) May 27, 2020

Romeo and PUliet #StinkyBooks

— Dan Levey (@iamdanlevey) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks Mildew Pierce

— Justme….Distancing before it was cool (@Ladyfish666) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks Of Dead Mice and Men

— Cabrini-Green (@ishotpuffy) May 27, 2020

Animal Fart #StinkyBooks pic.twitter.com/AZN0709Ino

— Alisun Jane (@AlisunJane) May 27, 2020

The Picture of Durian Gray #StinkyBooks

— Flamenco Nut ❄️ (@flamencobug) May 27, 2020

A Men’s Room With A View #StinkyBooks pic.twitter.com/Xsij2FkUOP

— Mister Race Bannon (@MrRaceBannon) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks Anybody said War And Piss? pic.twitter.com/qSrp8LHo26

— Syed Abdul Razak (@tweetfeelsgood) May 27, 2020

The Green Bile #StinkyBooks

— Oliver Langmo (@Olivergoesoff) May 27, 2020

Anus Green Gables #StinkyBooks

— Tweak (@MrTweakazoid) May 27, 2020

Little Outhouse on the Prairie #StinkyBooks @WeeklyHumorist

— Ubiquitous Bdog (@ubiquitousbdog) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks Chicken Poop For The Soul.

— Chris B. Martin (@BEMaven) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks Go Smell It On The Mountain.

— Chris B. Martin (@BEMaven) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks 🧅😂😂👃 Lord of The Onion Rings pic.twitter.com/2r7mvKl8ct

— Canine🐶Aditya (@k9aditya) May 27, 2020

Toilet Water For Elephants #StinkyBooks

— Jesse Barfield (@JesseBarfieldPi) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks For whom The Smell Tolls

— 🏡Mary says stay home.🏡 (@MaryG0401) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks The Stench Connection pic.twitter.com/yS73DXfXdi

— JimmyN (@JZMNOB) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks

The sour grapes of wrath pic.twitter.com/fVJw4JLKxO

— Doyle ⚓️ (@ElyodRj) May 27, 2020

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind #StinkyBooks

— CK (@charley_ck14) May 27, 2020

All the President’s Depends#StinkyBooks pic.twitter.com/sG1ZeAgPTb

— Cap’n Great Beard (@CapGraybeard) May 27, 2020

The Grapes of Ass #StinkyBooks

— John (@JohnJovi64) May 27, 2020

Moldy dick #StinkyBooks

— GrossMzConduct (@monalisa4068) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks The Shart of War

— Cynical and Crusty AF (@KevinIsCrusty) May 27, 2020

One Hundred Years of Solid Poo #stinkybooks @WeeklyHumorist

— Bleicher & Newton (@bleicher_newton) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks A Farewell To Armpits

— Rich (The Tweetist Formerly Known As Dad Bod 😷😎 (@ricosuave60) May 27, 2020

The Turd Man. #StinkyBooks

— John Lane (@JohnFPLane) May 27, 2020

Zen and the Fart of Motorcycle Flatulence #StinkyBooks

— Cap’n Great Beard (@CapGraybeard) May 27, 2020

A Tale of Two Shitties. #StinkyBooks

— John Lane (@JohnFPLane) May 27, 2020

Shart of darkness #StinkyBooks

— Hashing#Amit (@CrissCross24x7) May 27, 2020

Piss In Boots#StinkyBooks

— f.j. darnell, PhD (Doc) (@DocDarnell) May 27, 2020

Grime and Punishment #StinkyBooks @paul_lander

— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) May 27, 2020

The Smell Jar #StinkyBooks @GMA88

— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) May 27, 2020

50 Shades Of Gray Lunchmeat #StinkyBooks @KitLively

— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) May 27, 2020

#StinkyBooks was originally published on Weekly Humorist

[areyouratcliff]

Bloodcliff of beef sauce

Suck my sauce out the Yolo tube butter teeth

Stole my sandwich and ten smokes whiskey fights at 430am

Drain my spine of the remaining goo

Damn I shat in your car

Killed you for your watch

Trash utter garbage spooky grins and bruised knees heroine models fat as the gut man

Faggot outsider farting his shit out

I'd fuck your mother if she rubbed one out with that big dick of hers

Hey buddy smoke you're ass smoke somewhere else

Running down the blood trail to beef shart valley dogs run in circles spitting vermin out

No that's not a boner in my pants it's a sub sandwich

[areyouratcliff]

my ass is big

the fart stink from my anus is large

fuck a fit nakid

show some knowledge of old my bart

hank hill was happy as bad hank

bobby be good

men of cheese melting in a sumers day the stink mixed with my ass brings the boys to the yard

smelly pool of beef blood

lick the poop of the washroom floor

be proud you are gay and dead

dance for toasted pizza bagels

drink in the tainted meatball sub of goat cum cookies and relaxin blood milk

piss in the target its a hole in one you win a year supply of fart inducer

THe room explodes with a shart that could melt japan

goodbye farting goatmen

goodbye redcorn

hello dale

hello the germlin orcs with little bell hats making me soup that looks like green mud

hello horse riding sore balled little men winning the race for the prize winner

show prolapse retum never seen me in real life. is it real?

hate the panker drinker for he knows he has man tits

scale cum qube remember

where is the fec

spots of shit over my hair and face what is love baby dont hurt me

i have drank piss of another tricked again

why is there no justice for gaben he died doing what he loved

fucking the sub

rip my beautiful old man of drit meat

wish for hanks big fart darts gas hock out

kun fu knockout kid first round of breaking ass and wish hank would wash his anus never nope not

space bobby in the butt planet

if you love the rock answer my question. what is he cooking? i think a pig with rod town its butt and mouth for all the wwe fans john cena eat the nose honk honk

why do we piss on eachothers lawn chairs for sport.

beer icecream and bloody shitty TP to whipe your mouth

the man with the poopy pants fighting for his right to change his diaper in the washroom diaper change thing why not

please piss down this mans ass

i love a good pisser man

man dude you be rude i may shit your bed when i sleep over but i know everyone loves the smell and feel of cocaine liquid shit at 3 in the morning

drink dirt piss, fire in the anus smoke on the taint

we love to dance and make farts for the love of fart dancing do not hates for our smell moves it is fun

piss breaks smoke breaks sub breaks beef cakes

kiss a birsk ice tea

fat zits grease rolls early death