#should have taken my exam 4 months ago but i had a nervous breakdown in between shshshsh

[mchiti]

went from not knowing a single word of french to achieving a C1 in a little more than one year. Just got my results a C1 IN FRENCH I MADE IT YALLLLLLLLL I'm officially a qualified linguistic mediator now!!! ON Y VA LES GARS we move!!! yes queen get that pay rise @ myself. I wanna thank my baba, my boss, my paid by my ngo teacher, my mghribi fam in france, clara luciani's album "Cœur" (incroyable my queen with an italian surname), that time @zbee translated a whole ass benji's interview for me bc I kept exercising on it and benji pavard himself for being incapable at other languages (in case there's even a slim chance don't bother speaking italian anyway luv I need you french and linguistically clueless so I can move to a C2)

[scandinavian-girl]

Too Good At Goodbyes

Another tour. Another time to say goodbye. Another breakdown. Right?

That’s how it used to be since you and Shawn started dating and he had to leave for promo tours. You began to feel like a fool when you didn’t cry, when he would leave for a small promo run last spring. The few fans who were at the airport, to say good bye to Shawn, had noticed you haven’t cried. Not even one tear in your eyes.

Shawn were saying goodbye to the last fan before he said goodbye to his mother, father and Aaliyah. His mother had learned how to say goodbye to her son, before a big world tour like this one. His father, however, did tear up. Manny was proud of Shawn, for everything he had accomplished. Aaliyah said a couple of jokes along their small conversation, but she ended up saying she loved her brother.

The Mendes family walked outside to the car and waited for you. They knew Shawn would love some alone time with you before he left. “Another goodbye, eh?” you said with a shrug and looked up at your tall boyfriend.

He sighed and gave you a nod. “Gosh I’m gonna miss you,” he said holding your hands in his large ones. “I’ll see you are your final exams, right?”

You gave him a nod in approval. “I’ll join you when you’re in Chicago. That’s when I’m sure I don’t have more exams to do,” you made clear for him.

He nodded his head, making his curls bounce a little. You heard him let out a quiet sob.

“Shawn, why are you crying?”

“Jus’ gonna miss my baby,” he looked at you with puppy eyes.

“C’mere,” you opened your arms to welcome him into a warm hug. When he wrapped his arms around your small body, you could feel how much he was going to miss you. You still had no tears in your eyes. The feeling when your loved one was breaking down in your arms, was not good.

Maybe being too good at goodbyes was a bad thing?

You noticed people began to stare at you two. It was a wired feeling to know that this situation was wired. “Shawn, you gotta go,” you whispered into his ear, softly.

He let you go and let out a deep sigh, trying to compose himself. It was hard for him to let you go for 3 months. But he had to. “Those 3 months will go fast, yeah? We will facetime everyday and talk about each other’s days, okay?” you requested. He gave you a nod in approval.

**

You were at the Mendes house. Karen invited you to stay there the next 3 months, since your school was 20 minutes away from their home. The first night at their house was horrible. Both Manny and Karen said you could stay in Shawn’s childhood room and you gladly took the offer. You tossed and turned in Shawn’s bed. Trying hard to fall asleep without a warm body to protect you.

You checked the time, seeing it was 3:38 AM. You quickly remembering he was 6 hours in front of you, because of time zones.

“Hello?” you heard Shawn’s quite fresh voice say into his phone.

“Hey,” you mumbled tiredly.

“What’s up babe? Sounds tired,”

“Shawn, it’s 3:38 am where I am right now. I haven’t slept yet,” you felt tears forming in your eyes now. Great, now the tears are coming you thought.

“Oh right. I’m sorry babe. You should try to sleep, okay?”

“But I can’t,” you sniffled and sat up on Shawn’s bed.

He went silent.

“Shawn?” you said a little louder than for anticipated.

“You are in my old room, right?” he asked softly.

You let out a small and fragile “yes” to him.

“Go to my dresser. In the top drawer, all the way in the back, I have a small diary formed note book. Take it, go back to bed and read it. I believe there’s a few songs in there I want your approval on them,” he said to you.

You got up, turned on the bedside lamp and went to his dresser, almost tipping over some old shoes he had. “Gosh Shawn. I thought your mum had cleaned your room,” you groaned.

“She should have though,”

“But she hasn’t. Gonna ask her to do it later,” you grabbed the diary and walked back to his bed slowly. “I miss you so much, Shawn. I’m sorry I was awkward at the airport. I froze. My feelings froze. I’m sorry,” you apologized, sniffling again

“It’s okay baby. I did notice it, but I choose to ignore it ‘cause I know you will miss me,” he sighed to himself.

“When we say goodbye in public, my mind just freezes. I just can’t think straight in those situations,” you confessed.

“Read page 4, line 5. Please read it out loud,” he changed the subject.

You took a deep breath and began to read. “Finding a soulmate is hard. Maybe harder that you’ve heard. But when you finally find that person, it’s like finding your other half,” you finished. “What’s the melody to this?”

“Something like Why. Slow, calm yet so powerful. It’s a song about us,” he said shyly.

You smiled at his words, fully imagining him smiling cutely as he played with his feather ring.

“I think you should go to bed. It’s already 4:15 where you are. I’ll talk later, yeah?” he softly requested.

“Yeah. I’ll try at least,” you nodded to approve it to yourself.

**

A few days had passed, and you missed Shawn more and more. Normally you were a straight A student in college but since Shawn left for tour, your grades have been dropping. Your friends had noticed your lack of attention, lack of sleep and lack of motivation.

“Y/n are you okay?” your best friend Emma asked you during a math class.

“Hm?” you hummed confusingly at her. Didn’t hear her question.

“I asked if you were okay? You’ve been down since Shawn left for tour,” Emma continued.

“Wanna know the real truth?” you looked at her.

“I fucking miss Shawn. I can’t function without him by my side,” you let out a frustrated sigh and putting down your pencil. “It’s like we are an equation. We have to solve both sides of it and, as of right now, I just can’t figure it out,” you continued.

“Miss y/n, do you have something to share with the rest of the class?” the math professor asked you through the class.

“Uhm no,” you shook your head and went back to your tasks.

“Maybe I’m just too good at goodbyes,” you mumbled to yourself.

“You’ve said goodbye so many times to him. You’re getting professional at it,” Emma whispered back to you.

You nodded. “What time is it?”

“11:22. Soon lunch time,” Emma looked at you quick and soot you a smile of reassurance.

**

After school you drove back to Karen and Manny. When you opened the door, you heard Karen talk to a person in her phone. “You sure you’ll be okay?” she asked the person.

You bend down to open the shoelace of your converse’s and took them off. “Listen you can’t just fly home. You are on tour, in Europe right now so you can’t just decide to push some shows a week so you can come home,” she said in her British accent she had grown up with. “Is it Shawn you’re talking to?” you asked quietly but loud enough for her to hear. She gave you a nod, “Shawn, y/n is here,” she then gave you the phone.

“Shawn?” you asked when you had taken the phone and put it up against your ear.

“I wanna go home and see you,” he confessed. “I miss you too much,” you sighed at him.

“You know how mad Andrew will get if he finds out you wanna push the whole tour at least one week,”

“But,”

“No buts Shawn. You’ll be back in May for a break and I’ll join you in late June. And I know facetimeing aren’t as great at physical contact but it’s all we can do for now,” you sat down on the sofa.

“I know. Can I get my mum back?”

“Yeah. One second,” you put the phone down and got up to go to Karen. “Karen? Shawn wants you back,” you gave her the phone.

You went to Shawn’s room taking off your denim jacket you had gotten from Shawn a few days prior to him leaving. Doing homework was boring without him. Sitting between he long legs while he, often would watch Grey’s Anatomy, as you did the homework. It just made you concentrate more, knowing fully he would watch Grey’s but would read along what you wrote.

You decided to connect your phone to Shawn’s Bluetooth speakers and selecting some calm music. First song to come on was When You Love Someone by James TW. A special song to you and Shawn. It was the song you and Shawn shared your first kiss with.

You finished your home work in the matter of under an hour, as the music still played. One of Shawn’s songs came on. It was Nervous. A song he wrote about when you two first met. The thought of the meaning behind it made you tear up.

You turned off the music and called Shawn over facetime right away. When he didn’t pick up you checked the time. 3:58 PM.

“Fuck,” you mumbled to yourself, “Forgot you had a show now,”

You texted him instead, telling him to call as soon as possible.

**

“Hi,” you said shortly to Shawn, who were in the other end.

“Why did you want me to all asap? What’s wrong?”

“I thought ‘bout something. Remember like a week ago we talked during the night? And I confessed why I didn’t cry?” your index and thump now rubbing your forehead.

Shawn hummed a soft yes in the other end.

“I figured out that I might be too good at goodbyes. I know it sounds wired but I’m so used to saying it,” you felt some weight finally coming off your small shoulders.

“Too good at goodbyes? Wasn’t it that song, Sam Smith wrote?” he thought out loud making you giggle a little.

“Yes Shawn. Yes, he did,” you now laughed at him. “here I am, trying to be serious about one thing, and then you come and ruin the mood,”

“You know I’m good at ruining the mood. Too good at it,” he giggled along with you.

You sat there for about a minute or two of dead silence when a knock on the door came. It was Aaliyah.

“Y/n, dinner is ready,” she gave you a soft smile.

“Wanna say hi to your brother?” you requested her.

“Nah,” she shook her head. “I’m starving here so he’ll just have to wait,”

You couldn’t help but giggle at her words. So much love for her brother you thought to yourself. “Gotta go now. Bye Shawn,” you said as you got up from his bed.

“See you soon,”

“Love you,”

“Love you too,” he said back and hung up.

[mylifeasavetstudent]

Nerves About Ross

6/22/17

I heard I was accepted 3 weeks ago, but I’m still waiting to hear about whether I start in September 2017 or January 2018. I should know within the next 5-6 weeks - which could give me only 3-4 weeks to get ready and move down there.

Trying to get my thoughts in order, here are some of the logical and illogical things I'm scared about in regard to starting Veterinary School and in regard to moving down to St. Kitt’s. I’m sure some are normal and shared by most students, but I’m sure some are me just being a whiny 23-year old New York girl.

_____________

1) Packing. (Overpacking, underpacking, forgetting). How am I gonna fit everything in two suitcases? I plan to use vacuum seal bags and bring the two biggest overweight suitcases and a carry-on that I can. I just keep thinking about all the bulky stuff - kitchenware, bedding/pillows, shower/beach towels, steel-toed farm boots, shoes/clothes, toiletries, makeup/hair/cosmetics, electronics, books/school supplies. I went away to undergrad college about 30 minutes away and lived on an on-campus dorm/apartment for 4 years. However, I was in a big city, and could easily get anything I needed down the block. I was also so close to home, that I often went home on the weekends, and could pick up anything I needed. Also important to note that I could use Amazon, unlike St. Kitt’s. Every time I moved in/out, it took about 2-3 car loads of stuff!

2) Buying textbooks/school supplies.

I guess I should wait till I get to the island to get books? Do they have a school bookstore? Will other students be selling them? I worry if I wait till I get down there, I won’t be able to find them.

Should I order them in advnace and pack them? I worry this will take up too much space/weight in my suitcase. Should I order them in advance and have them shipped to St. Kitt’s? This would probably be super expensive, and what if they take too long to get there or go to the wrong location?

3) Buying a car (getting license/insurance/mechanics, etc.)

When should I buy a car? Second semester? I’m worried I’ll be taken advantage of and pay a lot of money for a really crappy car. I’m nervous about driving a dangerous car. I’m nervous about going through all the processes of getting a license, insurance, legally buying the car, etc. I love my US car and I’m gonna miss it and hate leaving it at home for a few years! I’m also terrified to find a reliable St. Kitts mechanic, since I’ve heard horror stories about being overcharged and taken advantage of. Mechanics who “fix” your problem, but purposely create more. Criminal mechanics who steal your car and sell parts. Agh.

4) The bus system/traveling.

Super nervous about figuring it out and navigating it while I don’t have a car yet. What if I get stranded in some bad area alone as the sun sets?!

5) Food shopping (bugs, giardia).

I've heard horror stories about food on grocery store shelves being rancid and expired. I’ve been told to check the dates on everything before buying it - even milk and cheeses. I’ve been told about boxes of pasta full of bugs and peanut butter full of worms. I’ve also heard there is giardia and mycoplasma in the tap water? Definitely scared of that. Is this true of bottled water or other drinks?

6) Bugs/centipedes/spiders/ticks.

I am terrified of bugs. The pictures I see of giant spiders, moths, and aggressive, hard-to-kill venomous centipedes in homes/beds/clothes give me absolute nightmares. I’m also scared of ticks and tick-borne diseases due to all the outdoor activity. 

7) Living arrangements.

The uncertainty here is killing me. I know I'll be living in a dorm my first semester, but that’s only 3 months. And will I be living alone? With 2 roommates? 3? How do I apply? I’m nervous to be living alone - but what if I get roommates I hate?

8) Wild animals/monkeys/sea animals/hiking.

Are there dangerous wild animals? What about the monkeys? What about in the ocean? Are there aggressive fish/octopi? Do I need to worry about jellyfish? Sharp sea urchins? I know there are a lot of great hikes - but I'm an inexperienced hiker. Do I need to be scared of animals on the trails? What about tick-borne diseases? What about being robbed/attacked by humans on the trial? Or getting lost in the woods with no cell signal? I don’t even know what clothes to wear or what hiking shoes ARE! HELP.

9) Personal Safety/Being burgalarized.

I’ve heard that as long as you are generally street smart, you should be okay. But I also hear horror stories of native drug deals gone wrong right near St. Kitts students - of guns shots and murders. I’ve heard of armed car jackings, robberies, rapes. I’ve heard of break ins and burglaries. Definitely nervous about personal safety. Even if just my STUFF is stolen - I’m so nervous I'll lose expensive items, as well as personal valuable like photos and class notes. I’m investing in personal property insurance that extends to St. Kitts, as well as external hard drives to copy all my stuff. Do I need to buy a pocket knife or mace or something?

10) Cell phones.

I still don’t really understand this concept. So I can bring my iphone, and simply put it in airplane mode and turn on the wifi? That way I can use iMessage, email, Facebook messenger, WhatsApp, viver, etc. for phone calls/text - but, it will only work when there is wifi around. This way, I won’t be charged an exorbitant amount for international cell service. Should I stop paying for my phone plan?

I’m also told you’re given an old block phone from Ross for calls to other students and businesses on the island. 

11) Massive debt.

Yep. Probably gonna be in $325,000 of debt and start at $40,000 a year while I have clients scream at me about how rich I am and don’t care about animals. 

12) Failing out. 

Definitely scared of vet school being “too hard” and failing out. I know I’m a good student and I’m planning to study my ass off - but this fear is still there.

13) Living on my own.

Like I said, I lived about 30 minutes from my house for four years in undergrad college. I could go home on the weekends, and ask my mom for help with anything. I lived on campus, so I had maintenance and security staff always present. I never lived off campus. I also lived with 1-3 roommates every year, and always shared a bedroom - so I was never completely alone.

14) Making friends and knowing no one.

Definitely a big fear - but everyone else seems to manage it, right? I guess when you’re all in a completely new country with no friends/family, everyone’s a bit more open. 

15) Logistics - setting up a bank account, loans, FAFSA, paying pills, receiving monthly loan allowals, visas, passports, customs, flights, vaccines.

SO MUCH TO DO. 

16) Rabies vaccine

It’s gonna hurt, isn’t it? What other vaccines do I need? Can I get them on the island? Is it cheaper?

17) My dog.

My dog is 13 with CKD. I’m terrified that when I get on that flight, it’ll be my last time seeing her. ):

18) Mail system.

Seems very complicated and expensive. I’ve heard people dig through your personal mail right in front of you. And SO. EXPENSIVE. Also gonna greatly miss amazon.

19) Disease (Zika, HIV, Lyme, parasites - vaccines)

Definitely scared of getting some crazy topical diseases that we don’t have up here in NYC. Definitely scared of parasites - is that gorgeous water there safe to swim in? Not just the oceans/seas, what about lakes? I don’t need some crazy vagina parasite swimming into me or accidentally swallowing some giardia. Or is just the drinking water dangerous?

20) The health system (getting insurance, birth control, allergy shots, hospital visits)

Trying to figure out how to continue my birth control and allergy shots while I'm down there. Apparently my birth control is $4/month over the counter down there. Apparently Ross Health Services can administer my allergy shots, but I’ll have to bring the refrigerated vials down from NYC with me, and have them changed out every 9-12 months. God knows how much that would cost to ship - might be cheaper for me to just fly up and back and get em!

Definitely nervous about the quality of health care and emergency health care down there. I heard chickens roam the hospital. Hoping to get all my general/preventative care done on my breaks back home. 

21) Being okay with “island time” (everything being closed)

I’ve lived my entire life in a busy city - nothing closes, ever. Weekends, nights, holidays - there’s always somewhere I can stop and get food/drinks. Adapting to there being no drive throughs or quick delis to stop into when I had 5 minutes before class is gonna be rough. And so is realizing that by 5pm on a Friday, I’m screwed until 8am on a Monday for any business I need to go to or contact. Especially dreading this with a car breakdown. 

22) Not being able to find things from the US (Certain drinks, snacks, cosmetics)

Again, this is just something I’m gonna have to adapt to - but I will miss it!

23) Deciding when I can afford to go home.

I have no idea if I should go home after every semester? Is that something people normally do? Or once a year? 

From what I'm reading on flight websites: It’s gonna be about a $400-600 flight ($1000-1200 round trip), take about 5 hours (10 hours both way) and need to have 1-2 stops. With the stops, it’ll be about 7-22 hours one way (14-44 hours round trip). Ugh. 

24) Not taking advantage of all the great opportunities/trips available. 

I’m scared I’m gonna be so overwhelmed with classes and exams, that I’ll miss out on some of the great extracuricular activities, clubs, sports, games, hikes, etc. Or the great “vacation” trips abroad available on breaks. 

25) Second semester - rent, laundry, landlords, safety, finding roommates.

Definitely scared of moving on to second semester and out of the dorms where I'll be pressured to find a safe, convenient, cheap apartment. I’ll have to move all my stuff (how? rent a car?), pay bills, pay rent, deal with a landlord, all for the first time in my life. And I’m definitely scared about picking the “Right” roommates to live with. 

26) Restaurant food/native food

How is the food there? I’m unfortunately not a huge seafood fan, but not averse to trying the native food. However - is it safe? Should I make sure I ask for no ice (water parasites)? Is there a possibility of undercooked meat/seafood or spoiled/expired meat/seafood? Is there a possibility of parasites in the food?

27) Hobbies

I’ve been going to school part time and working full time the past year, and I haven’t participated in any of my hobbies in over a year. I love learning foreign languages and I love horseback riding - and I haven't had time (excuse excuse) or money to do either. I worry this will just continue on in veterinary school, as I’ll be even more stressed, and have even less time and less money. Is there even any horseback riding availability down there? I mean, I can’t really pack all my language books (guess I can do a lot online), and I definitely can’t pack all my riding stuff (boots, helmet, clothes, saddle, etc. etc.)

28) Fun one: So when do I change my blog name from mylifeasaPREvet student to mylifeasaVETstudent? I also think I’m gonna start a website blog about life on the island - no only for future nervous students (like me right now) - but for my friends and family to see via Facebook. Don’t exactly wanna share all my tumblr info on Facebook! Best website for a blog?

[lovelettersandeathreats-blog]

i miss him !!

2nd June 2017 11 pm 

By God, we are nearly 1/2 way through with this year and less than 5 months left until I'm finished with my yr12 exams. Things have gotten a lot more steady because we haven't had anything due in the past week. I feel very vulnerable and ‘fuck all’ atm so I don't think I care about revealing private parts of my life. Apart from my photosets, nothing else have gotten notes so I think it’s safe. I’m going to tell myself that any of these thoughts are just me being paranoid.

On Monday there was the English viva exam, which I skipped school for because I didn’t prepare. Turned up the next day and visited my babe of a teacher first thing in the morning. Landed in my ancient classroom and the door open slightly, sparking all these disturbing intrusive thoughts. Recently (in the past few months) I've conditioned myself to just allow these types of thoughts to pass by instead of fighting them and being embarrassed and having a war in my head. This approach is a lot more helpful. Back to the Hamlet viva... so I was very nervous and had nothing to say when he asked me and he said we could do it in period 3. He interviewed me in the deputy principal’s office and there was a strong beam of morning light coming through the top window and shone on his face.  I rambled on and he said it was unstructured but otherwise ‘good'. The first question was what lines of the play did you find the most inspiring, giving me an excuse to read (not even recite) Hamlet’s ‘ what a piece of work is man..’ soliloquy... I do think I was ver expression and on that 30 sec along he could tell I just LOOVE Hamlet. I guess that's the last of High school Shakespeare completed! (Oh no wait there's trials and HSC) viva... so I was very nervous and had nothing to say when he asked me and he said we could do it in period 3. He interviewed me in the deputy principal’s office and there was a strong beam of morning light coming through the top window and shone on his face.  I rambled on and he said it was unstructured but otherwise ‘good'. The first question was what lines of the play did you find the most inspiring, giving me an excuse to read (not even recite) Hamlet’s ‘ what a piece of work is man..’ soliloquy... I do think I was ver expression and on that 30 sec along he could tell I just LOOVE Hamlet. I guess that's the last of High school Shakespeare completed! (Oh no wait there's trials and HSC) 

Today is Saturday and I've been on a break with my boyfriend for about a fortnight. Yes one fortnight without talking to me, I have come so far... This break has been different from other ones. I think I have changed. I’ve stopped pestering my friends. The days feel a lot faster and I don't feel so emotional. I’ve only felt sad when I talk to one of his friends. The reason I started a post for today was that I want to take down the thoughts I have at this moment. Regarding my collapsed friendships and my failing relationship. I’ve become very dependent on my best friend and she’s the only person I message on a daily basis. Whether it’s the first period at school or when I wake up at 1 pm on Saturday morning. She's the only person I feel like who understands me and who I trust with everything in my head. However, as life always works in this way, coincidentally this time where I feel like talking to her the most she has landed herself in her own friendship with a boy. I spam her with messages when I'm curious about where she is and she replies after a few hours. If this were a few months ago i would’ve become terribly paranoid and upset and read it in a very paranoid way, but I of now just accepts it. Time passes fast for me too. I find myself sitting in bed in the dark from 7 pm onwards, not even trying to sleep, just in bed surfing the web, reading, watching youtube, not studying until 2 am in the morn. Lonely isn’t the word I'm looking for to describe how i feel. 

James has exams in the next 3 weeks, his exams will end at the latest 26th/28th of this month. I feel sad thinking about it all, trying to make sense of it all. Whenever I think about it i feel very sad. i don't think I've been truly honest with myself about this relationship. From the bottom of my heart, i don't think that I add to his life in any significantly positive way. I don’t think I'm a very approving girlfriend and i think my emotional outbreaks to everything he does makes me incredibly unsupportive and negative for him. When he is in my life my life just revolves around what he’s doing and i schedule my life around his. When we hang out we just walk around talking about nothing at all that either of us is interested in. Lurking around on Quora, it really is the best platform for relationship advice. Very high IQ and EQ people giving anecdotes in response to others dilemma Qs. In that process, it confirmed how off i found my relationship. I am so immature and i credit all the flaws to my half and not his because I have found him extremely cooperative this whole time. This answer below really hit the nail on the head and I saved it into my personal note documents. 

I know he is happier than normal on this break on me at the moment and i think he will secretly be very happy that i am going to propose a breakup. Sunny told me it’s all about power play and he wants to be the one breaking up with me. I don't have many memories of him but we had a lot of fun in yr9/ early year 10, when he was only in yr10/11. We used to talk every day, all day until very late, about everything and anything. I would screenshot a lot of his responses and send it to the group chat had at that time. I found him so smart and funny and i had never met anyone like him before. He was absolutely perfect. I watched the Ryan Gosling Movie Blue Valentine the other week. I read about it a year or so ago and the reviews and comments that came along with it and i’m happy i watched it later instead of sooner. I think i can see reflections in my shifting mindset and attitudes in the female protagonists’. How you start off and think your partner is the greatest but over time reality kicks in. Gosling’s character has a paragraph and im not going to generalise the attitude of the whole male sex on his statement but i can also see how James thought/ still thinks in this way. Women are more realistic than men. im not going to generalise the attitude of the whole male sex on his statement but i can also see how James thought/ still thinks in this way. Women are more realistic than men, however, i think this isnt the case maybe. Chris is only naive because this is his first relationship. 

I do want to be with James forever. I have expressed countless times to different people that I want him to be the father of my children. I adore him and no one makes me happier than he does. However, i don’t think we should be together at this point in our lives. He is in university and doing a very hard course, studying full time too. Studying is his priority and he should focus on it 100%. This is his first semester and when i did ask him about whether the rest of the 4 years would be like this he replies (I'm getting teary for some reason) very snappily that it is not and it’s only like so because he’s in trouble with his parents or whatever.  

(I WROTE A FEW PARAGRAPHS MORE BUT THE PAGE CRASHED AND I LOST EVERYTHING BUT WAS ABLE TO TAKE A VERY CRAPPY SCREENSHOT OF WHAT I LOST WHERE EVERY WORD IS BLURRY AS FUCK ) 

Had a very bad breakdown last night and ended up downloaded snapchat to text him. I am very disappointed in myself. i want to swallow 40 pills and take a holiday ( that isn’t guaranteed to end) if you know what i mean. I need to be locked up or taken to a fucking sanatorium but im not rich or living in Japan in the 50s like  Naoko. FUCCCCCCK 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlSAXfxWgJ4