#showed this to my friend and they went 'oh theyve got THAT dynamic'

[knightzp]

izuleo and uhh. xingyun for the ask game (I think you like xingyun right?? I was and still kind of am obsessed with them)

izuleo:

what made you ship it? tbh i remember watching the enstars anime and not really understanding at first why everyone was shipping izuleo (bc the anime shows absolutely nothing abt them) and then i read checkmate and lionheart and i was like. Oh. now i get it now i understand everything. izuleo oughgg

what are your favorite things abt the ship? just. all their story. theyve been through so much together, both good and bad moments. how they started as best friends and understood each other like no one else at the beginning and then how it all went wrong after checkmate and they hurt each other a lot during the war but after months of being separated they reunited and started slowly healing from their wounds to the point theyre now living together in florence. the whole evolution of their relationship is just. So good

is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? actually im gonna say the same as you tia bc its so true i really think it too. their relationship is a lot of things but i dont think it is extrictly romantic i cant imagine them like a regular romantic couple at all but also its not entirely platonic either bc they love and care abt each other so much and in a lot of unique ways. theyre def a secret third thing and i believe not even them know how to describe it

xingyun (and YES YES YESSS I LOVE XINGYUN SO MUCH theyre my fave genshin ship and one of my fave ships ever in general too my absolute beloveds <333):

what made you ship it? oh god its been so long i dont think i remember the actual moment.... like i knew abt the ship way before i got to know their characters in the game and i Had the feeling i was going to love them. and then i played their quests/hangouts and started to slowly get to know them until i was like. yep i do love them. i knew it <3

what are your favorite things abt the ship? oh boy *inhales air*. theyre best AND childhood friends with water/ice powers which is the best combination ever both combat wise and aesthetically one is pining a lot and making every possible excuse to spend time together with the other (like remember that moment when xingqiu asked chongyun to go to that haunted place BC IT WAS A LOCATION ONLY VISITED BY COUPLES HE CLEARLY WANTED A DATE) and the other is so oblivious that wouldnt take a hint ever (and so asked the traveler to go with him instead.... sorry xingqiu) but also most of the times one appears onscreen the other is very likely with him bc theyre clearly so attached to each other. xingqiu pulling pranks on poor chongyun and teasing him so much but also 'dear chongyun'. and chongyun may get a bit mad at first but would never hate xingqiu for anything he does bc he just cherishes so much. THEIR MATCHING TASSELS. THAT BDAY LETTER FROM CHONGYUN THAT WAS CLEARLY FOR XINGQIU AND NOT THE TRAVELER. THE YOUNG AND HOPELESSLY SMITTEN THING they just have one of my fave dynamics ever and there is So much evidence in canon content abt their feelings for each other and hngngngngngn im so obsessed i love them so much 🩵💙

is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? mmmm not really? idk if this is really unpopular but if i have to say something. theyre So ace. to me. both of them but especially chongyun. ace xingyun is real and canon to me <33

[eerinlegacy]

commission from @spindlewit of my inq azehsash vis and her husband. andronikos is enjoying the colours darth ravage's face is turning. (so is she.)

(click for better quality)

[collisiondiscourse]

Got any future love interests for the kids?? ^^

YES ohakgnsj I LOVE THEM SO BAD THANK U FOR ASKING!!! ausgsjs theyre all also kid ocs and i have designs for them in mind BUT IM A LIL TOO TIRED TO DRAW RN SO I HOPE YALL UNDERSTAND 😭

NANA

has two childhood friends which are iidachako's kid (Mizuki "Tsuki" Iida) and kirimina's kid (Yōko Ashido)!

theyre... close. and hang out a lot and all that stuff but REALLY — at some point it was hard for them to tell if it was because it was just expected of them to be friends or if they really actually clicked.

especially since yōko and tsuki knew each other and only got introduced to nana when she was around 5. yōko is the eldest followed by tsuki and then leaving nana as the youngest. theyre all gapped in age by one year, but that didnt change much since nana was very... mature.

in late middleschool to highschool, they all kinda grew apart and made friends in their respective year groups instead.

after all graduating from UA, tsuki and yōko reconnected with each other but nana stayed apart for a bit, being too busy training and learning to take on the mantle of OfA

she briefly dated someone from the general studies of UA in 2nd year all the way until maybe a few months after graduation — but it didnt work out bc her partner turned out to disapprove of her want to be a hero and the next wielder of ofa, misguidingly believing her fathers forced it on her (even though thats FAR from the truth)

after reconnecting and settling into her new life, she ends up in a very loving relationship with yōko!

bakugou regularly calls up his best friend to ask for updates on his kid and her relationship like a nosey old man

TOSHI

CLICHE AS HELL BUT WOULD U BELIEVE ME IF I TOLD YOU HE HAS AND ALWAYS CLICKED WITH TODOMOMO'S KID? (shiki todoroki-yaoyorozu, they/she/he)

theyre about the same age, and i'd describe their dynamic as the classic introvert x extrovert that adopted them

shiki and toshi been close since forever!! toshi always willing to jump in and do dumb shit while shiki stands off to the side like "you know what maybe we shouldnt use my mom's bo staff to poke that hornets nest to check for honey..."

and like. theyre INSEPARABLE right? so even as the two of them grow up its so hard for toshi to see them as anything other than this person he grew up with even as shiki grew into a combo of their parents deadly gorgeous looks

because to HIM shiki is just... shiki. the same ole shikj he saw eat their own boogers and get sick from trying to lick back a stray cat that took a liking to them.

and the amount of jokes shiki and toshi make about each others parents? unBEARABLE. absolutely devastating.

the phrase "your dad"' is literally banned in both the midoriya-bakugou and the todoroki-yaoyorozu households

when they enter ua u can rest assured knowing every single teacher of theirs started greying at the hair trying to contain the both of them. it doesnt help that theyre both very obviously powerful and dominate the sports festival every damn year

they get seperate for nearly two years because shiki decides to go travel the world and train elsewhere for a bit and they FIGHT and its bad and ugly and for a good year and a half they dont talk even tho theyve both been stewing on that damn argument

and as the date of shiki's arrival goes closer and closer both of them cant wait to reunite and finally apologize and make amends, shiki expecting toshi to meet them at the airport and getting excited to finally confess their feelings, thinking that as long as toshi shows up, they have a shot—

— and then toshi gets shot back into the past (15 years ago) for 6 damn months.

and all that time shiki spends lamenting wasting their time and the loss of their best friend who went missing after a villain attack and its all sad and shit until toshi shows up out of the blue after going through his Own self discovery journey and tackles shiki's tall ass to the ground

and thats toshi's own "oh" moment especially after meeting and growing close w todoroki from the past

and they get together! the end. katsuki has another conniption.

SORA

in a committed relationship with causing problems

[subjectsix]

(thank you for the tag @aceofstars16 ily!!!)

this is me tagging you if you want to do this :] yes you. you wanna do it? i have tagged thee

Pick 5 shows, then answer the following questions (don’t cheat!). oh no bro i dont watch tv

Houdini & Doyle

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Psych

The Clone Wars (im still not finished with it dont @ me)

Star Trek: Voyager

1. who is your favorite character in 2? OH uh. all of them. but probably john? i love how it delves into how he shoulders his fate and how his fate doesnt even have to be like. what it is. like the idea that he isnt the savior of humanity, hes just painted that way-- and hes still important, but so are so so many others, and there are other leaders besides him, this is just how hes perceived by some, skynet included im gonna STOP im rambling charley and jesse are also underrated characters thanks

2. who is your favorite in 1? adelaide!!! but i love the whole main trio so much

3. what’s your favorite episode of 4? i have not seen a lot of it yet but i love the ones that show us sides of star wars we haven’t maybe seen before!!! i esp love the clone centric ones :] im only on season 3 help i kno my heart is gonna get ripped out

4. what’s your favorite season of 5? idk T-T im so fond of the early episodes, but the later episodes with tom and harry’s friendship and seven are also very dear to me. ya girl can’t pick

5. who’s your favorite couple in 3? i guess jules and shaun!!! theyre cool but i am here for the friendship and mysteries and SHENANIGANS 

6. who’s your favorite couple in 2? charley and sarah’s dynamic kills me yall. ugh. like i dont even ship them bc theyve both clearly moved on but also AUGH. AUGH. and jesse and derek i want to know more about them and just-- h also it would be cheating for me to say kyle and sarah.

7. least favorite episode of 1? none of them there was so little of this show and i crave more every day

8. favorite episode of 5? its been awhile since i’ve done a proper rewatch but i loved the more mystery-based episodes! and any like. crew/family bonding things.

9. favorite season of 2? hhhh there’s only two seasons one i guess but both are so good oh no

10. how long have you watched 1? I watched it when it aired, even when on vacay with my sweet friend who took me to disney world (thank u i love u), and i tweeted fox and cried when it got cancelled :( that was 2016 SKJDHFKJHDF thank you for the one season it got i guess

11. how did you become interested in 3? i was in 6th grade and i LOOOOOVED monk and my friend was like “kip. check this out.” and suddenly everything i owned had pineapples on it.

12. favorite actor in 4? james arnold taylor! he’s neat. but i also love dee so much. and ashley and matt

13. which do you prefer, 1, 2, or 5? man they’re all such wildly different moods. voyager is home, scc is food for my creative brain, houdini and doyle is beautiful and lovely and dearly missed

14. which have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3? KDJFHKJFH well uh houdini and doyle has one season and psych has [checks notes] 8 and some movies. so.

15. if you could be anyone from 4 who would you be? kit fisto is the most underrated jedi siri send tweet

16. would a crossover between 3 and 4 work? dont give shaun and gus lightsabers. DO have ahsoka and anakin quote shaun and gus

17. pair two characters in 1 who would make an unlikely but strangely ok couple. not enough characters or deets to make this call ;-; i will continue to mourn this show

18. overall which show has a better storyline, 1 or 3? oh dang! i cant make that call again, bc houdini & doyle was just taking off and barely had time to get its feet off the ground. its more story driven than psych i guess, even though both are “monster of the week” types.

19. which has better theme music, 2 or 4? NO WAIT DONT DO THIS TO ME because bear mccreary went off with scc but also the percussion in clone wars makes me go feral

[heizerux]

About Stormy Weather 2

Let’s cut to the chase. This was a filler/recap episode.

Is it disappointing? Yes 😞

They did my girl Aurore wrong with the episode title and not even giving her the attention she deserves. And about nothing new happened. Chloe still hasn’t learned to actually be better. There’s more. But those are about a few things that REALLY got to me (to be brief).

Is it bad that they even have this episode? Not exactly. It just wasn’t done well.

Now that I’ve briefly got out of my system on why I was disappointed, now let’s look at the details and minor brightsides of it (I guess?) and more on why I’m disappointed.

.

This was an episode to establish the questions we’ve had. (Honestly did we even need these? Actually, not really. But it’s nice they even bothered.) Some of these questions are:

How’s Aurore?

Is Chloe really fully changed?

How does Nathalie REALLY feel? Like with her own words? How LONG has she been with the Agrestes? And will Gabriel keep this shit up?

How’s the dynamic between Ladybug and Chat Noir now since they’ve been fighting for a while?

How’s everyone else (Alya and Nino specifically) doing?

Will Marinette ever tell Adrien that she’s interested in him?

Will Adrien pick up on that???

Pretty much here’s how they answered these, as well as what I took from these answers:

How’s Aurore? Naturally I’m gonna open up with Aurore here since this was supposed to be HER episode again. We see her being bullied by Chloe and then she get it’s gets to her. THAT’S how Aurore is doing. The only few things I liked about her here is learning she and Marinette are friends. But that’s IT. This could have been HER moment. HER episode again. We could of known more about HER. Instead what do we get? Just like 3 minutes tops of her and boom. Defeated, and not even checked up on. I know she’s a side misc character but damnit *slaps table*. . . We really were cheated with her comeback. This wasn’t her episode and it shouldn’t have been titled “Stormy Weather 2”. I’m sad about this.

Is Chloe really fully changed? Nope. So I knew her development wasn’t even started yet (as we’ve seen), but like damn. We see how being hero twice has gotten to her head. It’s disappointing, it really is. The only “bright side” is that at least they’re establishing here that she clearly still has changing to do instead of saying she’s fully changed, which she isn’t. Probably even alluding to what we’re gonna see next with her. Obviously by that last glare, Marinette (as Ladybug) isn’t giving into her shit anymore. (That or she’s disappointed in how Chloe doubled back too.)

How does Nathalie REALLY feel? And so we see. She, as expected, hates her fucking job because it’s too demanding, but LOVES the Agreste family. We now, with her own words, which are rare, learn just how long she’s been with them, her feelings for the family, and that she canonically cared for Emilie and has now fallen for Gabriel. She’s also still sick from Heroes Day (so they didn’t forget that’s a thing, thankfully). Which now only implies that from this point forward, she’ll be Mayura more often, and get even sicker (a life for a life, anyone?)

How’s everyone else doing? That Ninalya (Djwifi) content. . . My heart! 💕💖💕💖😭💖💕💖💕 So they show us Nino is pretty much now a Césaire (lol), and that they both do talk about their hero duties when they’re alone. The good in seeing this? They can actually keep it a secret from the public and this shows their hero potential (unlike Chloe). The bad about it? It’s their disadvantage (as we already know.) Now what we didn’t need is all that recap footage. (That time slot could have been used for my bby Aurore 💜💙💜)

How’s the dynamic between Ladybug and Chat Noir now since they’ve been fighting for a while? Well :) (Filler aside) We see that Ladybug is A LOT more fonder of Chat Noir than before. This time she’s loosening up her humor during battle when she used to be all “stop joking! This is serious!” Then they go on to recap on shit that we already know like that they trust each other and *yawn*. But one thing I did notice, and like about this, is that look she gives him as he runs off.

It’s almost a look of that says “I’m starting to view you as more than a partner. . .” (Will they show it in the following episodes. Boy do I hope.)

Will Marinette ever tell Adrien that she’s interested in him? Okay so not only does she drop off Adrien’s homework, but you notice something? Not only did she volunteer, but she didn’t fluster while doing so. When she delivers it, she’s not panicked about it, instead she’s just nervous about talking to Nathalie and disappointed she couldn’t give it to him in person. Then what happens next? She FINALLY takes Kagami’s advice and does something. Once she’s done, she’s not regretful and doubtful about it anymore when she used to be. Sure, we went over shit that marks she “changed”, but it’s really around this part in the episode that she ACTUALLY changes. From here she’s a new confident Marinette, pretty much. The recap was still unecessary.

Will Adrien pick up on that??? *sigh* no lol.

Okay, real quick, BIG APPRECIATION for Plagg’s “Oh shit” face when he sees Adrien notices the handwriting.

So into Adrien and his love life, we see that his head is too in the clouds to fully notice the amazing girl that is MARINETTE. I will say I love that Plagg keeps trying to steer him in the direction to LOOK AT MARINETTE. (Mentioning how Gabriel wasn’t mad Adrien was with her when he snuck out and hinting that she’s VERY available more than once.) When he finally notices the handwriting, he’s SO close to putting it together. Plagg for a sec is shook about it (since it hints he’s closer to piecing she’s LB), but then he re-tracts because he’s a clueless child and now is left on the conclusion that it’s not her. Okay -_-

So now that that’s done, let me just add on why I think that last part where he retracts marks something.

.

Anyone find it odd that the episode ended specifically with Adrien noting that “Marinette couldn’t have written the letter (can’t be in love with me) because she’s just a friend that’s into fashion. Besides there’s Luka.”

Luka. . .

. . .

You guys hear that?

Right as soon as he says that, sad music plays. Like he “lost” something.

Then Adrien as if slightly disappointed, insists it was probably “someone else”. . . Because there’s Luka. . .

And then the episode ends.

(My own thought: I think this is here to mark off that not only Luka is coming more into play, but maybe that it’ll affect Adrien more than he thinks? It may be that his change to come is that he stops looking “up in the clouds” and starts looking in front of him.)

.

haaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

.

And that’s about one of the few things that got me in this episode (among Nino and Alya and Mari getting confident for once). Because it means shits gonna get interesting among the ships👀. . . *sips tea*

.

I’d touch the development issue but after carefully going over the fact that both season 2 and 3 were written around the same time, I do have a hunch stuff is kind of out of order there. But that’s a topic for another day. (Probably one I’ll rethink and retouch fully after this season is done.) So let’s get back to the real question:

So wtf was this episode?

.

Well, this is just my take, but judging by the brief glances at Stormy Weather 2’s LEVEL of power, it’s there to set what we’re gonna be seeing from the episodes forward. If this looks intense, then we haven’t seen intense, yet (ya feel?)

.

For certain ppl (I’m one of these ppl) Stormy Weather from S1 was THE pilot episode to the whole show and the first episode seen. It set up what we were going to be seeing of the show. So if there had to be an explanation, my take is that’s why they picked her again to mark off a recap and brand new starting point for what’s to come.

.

TLDR: This episode probably wasn’t just meant to show what’s changed, but to mark of what WILL change moving forward.

.

It’s not perfect, I’m still not happy with how it was delivered, but that’s probably what they were going for.

.

They probably should of just called it “The Story So Far” or something, honestly. Not Stormy Weather 2. Aurore did amazing. Her screentime didn’t :( But in the end, it’s probably there to mark the start of real change.

.

Since that’s maybe the deal, then changes we may see here moving forward and so on are:

.

It’s probably gonna mark Marinette as being comfortable around Adrien and no longer hesitating as much as she did, but of course Luka will be more in her life (and Adrien may or may not realize he isn’t as okay with it?? That’s just what I wanna see honestly lol). Chloe will probably realize that she can’t keep expecting to be handed a miraculous just because she says so, which then could mark her to ACTUALLY start changing. And so on.

.

Anyway we’ll see what the next episodes bring. I noticed they’ve only been showing us the uneventful episode first and leaving the more “juicy” ones for later dates. . .

As long as this is, I actually kind of rushed through it so my apologies if it’s all over the place :(

[boylikeanangel]

🌻

alright so tsukkiyama right. they are SO powerful. theyve always been my fave haikyuu pairing through virtue of yamaguchi and tsukishima being my fave characters but since my rewatch I've been like....ohhhh tsukkiyama actually IS the best pairing in the show....the fucking DYNAMIC these 2 have.....it's about the childhood friends!!! it's about how you would never expect tsukishima to keep someone like yamaguchi around and yet they're literally joined at the hip, it's about how tsukishima seems incapable of making friends and doesn't even seem that interested in yamaguchi but it's impossible to deny how close they are simply because akiteru literally knows yamaguchi as his little brother's ONLY FRIEND (not even getting into how yamaguchi and akiteru are on a first-name basis with each other), it's about how yamaguchi keeps that stupid nickname for him and tsukishima only allows HIM to call him that...... it's about how yamaguchi idolided tsukishima for being the only person who stood up to his bullies only for him to finally come into his own when tsukishima started letting him down and for the tables to finally turn and tsukishima seeing just how fucking cool yamaguchi is!!! it's about how yamaguchi is the ONLY one who can get through to tsukishima and make him see sense and see the value in everything when he's lost in his own pessimistic outlook oh my GOD it's about how they know EXACTLY what to say to each other and how to cheer each other up no matter WHAT!!!!!! and how they don't even need words most of the time?????? how all yamaguchi needed when he was afraid was for tsukishima to tell him to calm down, how all he needed when he was burning out was for tsukishima to toss the ball back to him and tell him "one more", how all he needed when was at his lowest point was for tsukishima to hand him a towel and shoot him a glance that said "keep your head up, you did well, it's fine" before going back onto the court.....how they can just get through to each other NO. MATTER! WHAT!!!!!! "what do you need more than your pride?" BITH C????!! I LITERALLY!!!! THESE TWO!!! THESE TWO BOYS!!!!!! SOULMATES!!!! THEY JUST GET IT!!!!!!!! (and don't even mention how like. TECHNICALLY. they're the only pair out of the "childhood friends" triad who got a happy ending....thank you furudate for confirming they went to university together..... idk how I would've handled their separation after iwaoi) basically. I love them. and they deserve more attention and recognition as THE best dynamic in the series

[relationshipadviser-blog]

Esther Perel: 'Fix the sex and your relationship will transform'

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/esther-perel-fix-the-sex-and-your-relationship-will-transform/

Esther Perel: 'Fix the sex and your relationship will transform'

Esther Perels breathtakingly frank therapy podcasts Where should we begin not only make for juicy listening, theyve revitalised the stale private lives of millions. Miranda Sawyer listens to the psychotherapist

Passion has always existed, says Esther Perel. People have known love forever, but it never existed in the context of the same relationship where you have to have a family and obligations. And reconciling security and adventure, or love and desire, or connection and separateness, is not something you solve with Victorias Secret. And there is no Victors Secret. This is a more complicated existential dilemma. Reconciling the erotic and the domestic is not a problem that you solve. It is a paradox that you manage.

Ooh, Perel is a great lunch date. All psychotherapists are, in my experience, but shes particularly interesting. Sex, relationships, children; she covers them all in the two hours we spend together. But also collective trauma, migration, otherness, freedom all the good stuff.

Perel is a practising couples and family therapist who lives in New York. Aside from her clinical work she counsels around 12 couples or individuals each week she has two best-selling books: one about maintaining desire in long-term relationships (Mating in Captivity), the other about infidelity (The State of Affairs). She has released two fascinating podcast series, called Where Should We Begin?, where listeners get to listen in on real-life couples having therapy with her. The podcast is where I first came across her its won a British Podcast Award, a Gracie Award in the States and was named as the Number One podcast by GQ.

On top of all this, she hosts workshops and lectures as well as the inevitable TED talks, one of which has been watched more than 5m times. I went to one of her London appearances earlier this year. Alain de Botton was the host and he introduced Perel with quite some hyperbole, calling her one of the greatest people alive on Earth right now. (Perel dismissed this afterwards, though she likes de Botton: He put me on such a platter.)

Esther Perel sometimes sings to her clients; she tells them off quite a lot, especially if they think sex should come naturally. Photograph: Jean Goldsmith for the Observer

The reason for Perels popularity is her clear eye on modern relationships. She says, rightly, that we expect much more from our marriages and long-term relationships than we used to. For centuries, marriage was framed within duty, rather than love. But now, love is the bedrock. We have a service model of relationships, she says to me. Its the quality of the experience that matters. She has a great turn of phrase: The survival of the family depends on the happiness of the couple. Divorce happens now not because we are unhappy, but because we could be happier. We will have many relationships over the course of our lives. Some of us will have them with the same person.

For a while, Perel wasnt taken particularly seriously by the therapist community: she tells me that when Mating in Captivity came out in 2006, it was only the sexologists that thought it was great. This is because her thinking went against long-established relationship wisdom, namely that if you fix the relationship through talking therapy, then the sex will fix itself. Perel does not agree. She says that, yes, this might work, but I worked with so many couples that improved dramatically in the kitchen, and it did nothing for the bedroom. But if you fix the sex, the relationship transforms.

We meet in a boutique hotel in Amsterdam, where Perel orders her food in fluent Dutch. She has a light Belgian accent (she says boat for both), and she wears some delicate gold jewellery, a bit like the Indian hath panja, on her right hand. (Both of these seem to excite American journalists, along with Perels good looks. A relationship therapist who you might fancy, shocker!)

We begin talking about her podcast series. Its an astonishing listen, partly because you get to earwig other peoples problems (always great) and partly because Esthers methods are so flexible: in the first series she got one young woman to wear a blindfold while her partner inhabited a more assertive sexual character, which he did by speaking in French. She sometimes sings to her clients; she tells them off quite a lot, especially if they think sex should come naturally: Who the hell told you that BS?

Series three, released next month, is slightly different to the last two. This time round Perel very deliberately chooses couples at different stages, because she wants to show an arc of a relationship, all the way to its end. Also, she says, I wanted to bring in the way that relationships exist in a larger, social, cultural, context. That context often gives a script about how one should think about suicide, about gender, about divorce and so forth. So we hear from a young couple coping with enforced distance in their relationship: one is US-born and the other is Mexican, without a US visa. Another is a mother and her child, who does not identify as either gender. Another couple, with a young child, have divorced, but seem to get along much better now: why?

Perel finds her podcast therapees via her Facebook page: they apply in their thousands. Her podcast producers sift through, using guidelines that Perel suggests them: this time round she knew she wanted to cover infertility and also suicide. Then theres a lengthy pre-recording interview process where its explained to the couples that, yes, this really is going on air and, yes, they might be recognised (from their voices; theyre anonymous otherwise). Are you OK in understanding that your story will become a collective story? You will be giving so much to others, as well. Its not just for you, actually. And then they have a one-off session with Perel for three to four hours, edited down to around 45 minutes for the podcast.

She loves the format. The intimacy of it, the private listening of it, the fact that you dont see them, thus you see yourself. You hear them but you see you. It reflects you in the mirror. But also, surely, its quite exposing for you? Oh yes. People can come and hear me give a talk, but theyve never seen me do the work and you cant talk about what you do. But when you write a book, that is the first part of exposure. Then comes TED and the podcast. If you ask, What does Perel do? My colleagues know how I do.

Perel is 60 now; I wondered how she found being a relationship therapist when she was younger, in her 20s. Werent clients put off by her youth? Actually, Ive always found that the age of the clients goes up with me, she says. It mirrors. I dont know why. She doesnt think lived experience is necessary, though sometimes she wonders how she had the chutzpah to counsel parents before she became one herself (now she has two grown-up sons; shes still married to their dad, Jack Saul, who is a professor and an expert in psychosocial trauma). But then I have worked a lot with addiction, and Im not an addict.

Interestingly, she came to therapy via drama. Drama and collective trauma. She was the second child of Polish Jews who came to Belgium as Holocaust survivors (Perels first passport was a stateless passport of the UN). In Belgium, they became part of a community of 15,000 Jewish refugees.

Loss, trauma, dismantlement of the community, immigration, refugees All these themes that I observe in the world today, were basically mothers milk to me, she says. Everybody had an accent, a good number of people had the number on their arms. There were no grandparents around, there were no uncles. Its all I knew. Its different than if it was just your parents. Its every home I went to. One of Perels earliest memories is of card games where her parents would talk of a friend, and someone would say, casually, Ah, he was gassed, he didnt make it.

Perels parents had her older brother in 1946, then she came along 12 years later. This was not uncommon. When people came out of the camps, the first thing they did to prove that they were still human was to have a child. They waited to get their periods back, and then they had a child. But then there was a gap of 8, 10, 12 years before they had another. Perel thinks this was because the parents needed to establish themselves in society. Hers ran a clothes shop in Antwerp. The family lived above the shop. They spoke five languages: Polish, Yiddish, German, French and Flemish. Every evening they watched the news in German, French and Flemish, to get a good all-round view.

Divorce happens now not because we are unhappy, but because we could be happier: Esther Perel. Photograph: Jean Goldsmith for the Observer

As a teenager, she was interested in psychology, mostly because she hated the strictness of school. She read Summerhill: A Radical Approach to Child-Rearing, about a British school run like a democracy, and from there she moved to Freud. I was interested in understanding myself better and in people around me. People dynamics. I was quite melancholic and I was often wondering, How does one live better? How do you talk to your mother so she understands you better? Id say the primary ingredient I had was curiosity. I was a massively curious person I still am. She was also a good listener a confidante for her friends. I tell her she would have made a great journalist, and she agrees: That would have been my other career.

After school she went to study in Jerusalem, a university course that combined French linguistics and literature. More importantly, she developed her interest in theatre, which had begun in early adolescence. I assumed she was an actor, but shes talking of improv and street theatre, with puppets, of all things. Big ones, you hold them on two long high sticks, or I did hand puppets. She liked the immediate contact with people and gradually, she found herself merging these skills with her studies, doing theatre with gangs,with street girls,with Druze,with foreign students. At one point she went to Paris to study under Augusto Boal, who created the Theatre of the Oppressed. He would stage fake crises in everyday situations: actors pretending to have a physical row on the Metro, for instance. Perel found it interesting to see which passers-by would get involved and which would turn away.

She moved to New York to do her Masters. She specialised in identity and immigration How is the experience of the migrant different if it is voluntary migration or forced migration? and in how minority communities relate to each other. She led workshops for what were then called mixed couples: interracial, intercultural, interreligious. I knew the cultural issues. I knew how to run a group. I dont think I knew much about couples dynamics.

Around that time her husband, who is a few years older than her, suggested she might enjoy systemic family therapy. I ask what this is. For a long time when people looked at a problem, they thought the problem is located within the person, says Perel. But systemic family therapy thinks that a family, or a relationship, is made up of interdependent parts. What is the interactive dynamic that preserves this thing, that makes this child not go to bed? That makes this man never get a job? That makes this son be such a nincompoop? How is the family system organised around it? You need two to create a pattern, or three or four or five.

Its interesting how therapy has trends, I say, and how those trends manifest themselves in actual life. Couples therapy goes in parallel to the cultural changes and the expectations in a culture, says Perel. During the 1980s her married clients didnt come to her because their sex life was bad, they came because of domestic violence or alcoholism, not because we dont talk any more. Back then, the shame was to get divorced at all, even if one half cheated; now its not to get divorced if one half cheats. She saw clients having problems with infertility, the changing role of women and daughters, the Aids crisis. In the 90s, single mothers, blended families, gay couples with kids. Todays problems, she says, are often centred around people marrying later, after a sexually nomadic youth. Also, modern fatherhood dads wanting to be more involved in childcare and monogamy versus polyamory. Straight couples are becoming more gay, gay couples more straight.

The obvious question, of course, which she has been asked many times, is how Perels own relationship works. She doesnt like to give too many details, but what she does say is that she and Saul give each other a lot of freedom If youve had an interesting life, you have more to bring back, something that energises the couple and that they renegotiate their relationship as it changes. At the moment her husband is entering what she calls a third stage, and he wants to paint more. This means he will be away from New York a lot, while she is usually in New York or travelling herself. We need to, once again, come up with a new rhythm of how we create separateness and togetherness. Its a fundamental task.

She wants others not to copy her own relationship, but to use her work as a way to better their own relationship for themselves. And plenty do. Just the other week a young woman came up to her and asked for a selfie. She said, My boyfriend listens to you all the time, and he comes home and he says, Have you listened to this episode, we need to talk? The podcast is a transitional object, a bridge for conversation. Like a teddy bear that you hold and you say: Its OK, dont be worried.

Like when couples talk through their dog, I say.

Yes, she says. There is such disarray and such hunger about getting help on how we manage our relationships today, on navigating the challenges For the first time we have the freedom of being able to design our relationships in a way that we were never capable of doing before, or allowed to do before. So, I dont give the details of my relationship. Instead I will give you the tools to come up with your own thing.

Season 3 of Esther Perels Where Should We Begin is available exclusively on Audible from 5 October

Try this at home

Three ways to change the way you think about your partner at home

Pay attention to what is important to the other What happens in a couple is that we often give to the other what we want them to give to us. If somebody is upset, you dont talk to them, because when you are upset you like to be left alone. It isnt necessarily what they need.

Roles are often patterns rather than habits If you really want the other person to take out the rubbish, you have to be able to spend two weeks not doing it. You dont say anything. You just wait until the other person finally notices it. When youre not there, the other person sorts the bin. They can do it. Its just that when youre there theyd prefer not to.

Women are not less interested in sex than men, theyre less interested in the sex they can have What makes women lose that interest? Domesticity. Motherhood. The mother thinks about others the whole time. The mother is not busy focusing on herself. In order to be turned on you have to be focused on yourself in the most basic way. The same woman whos numb in the house gets turned on when she leaves. She doesnt need hormones. Change the story.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us