#since a couple years ago I can't get my thoughts straight for in-person discussions. ask a question and I fall apart.

[asinglesock]

me yesterday: I'm going to bite my tongue so I can live peaceably and not argue with my brother-in-law. I'm not going to fight over interpretation of scripture because even if he's teaching harmful things, that doesn't mean I'll be able to make anything better by getting upset

me today: how dare you suggest that "Hellenistic Jews" were a distinct group from "Non-Hellenistic Jews" in the 2nd Temple Period rather than Hellenism being a broad cultural millieu under which all Jewish communities of the time interacted with questions of identity in diverse ways. Read The Beginnings of Jewishness : Boundaries, Varieties, Uncertainties by Shaye J. D. Cohen or I'm going to throw hands.

[a-mended-pact]

Chapter : Seven

This chapter is Reader and Spencer finally discussing what's going on. It's a little angst but a semi happy ending.

Taglist is open. 🥰

Part 6

This one is definitely one of my favorite chapters I've written so far.

Word count: 3,121

I am currently experiencing heavy writers block so I would love to know your thoughts or theories!

If you have questions for the series please message or send an ask.

Requests are open

I ended up walking out of the room and I could feel myself shaking. I was infuriated. I had been so upset with everything that happened between Spencer and Cat that I couldn’t see straight. Maybe I was being overly emotional but to be fair I still haven’t slept yet. Spencer had followed me out but neither of us made it far before I saw Ethan sitting in the break room talking to Jj. I glanced at Spencer then back at him. ‘He deserves to be in a cell, not in our break room. You and I both know that.’ He sighed and nodded knowing damn well now was not the time to fully argue with me. My hands were sore. I needed a release from the stress of the past couple of days. I would much rather the endorphins get released by Spencer and I tangled within the sheets.

It had been sometime since Spencer and I had been intimate due to work and me just not being in the mood because of the recent changes in my medication. We hadn’t openly discussed what had been going on with us to anyone on the team. At least I didn't. I wanted to keep things to myself. I had always suffered with dark thoughts and bad coping mechanisms. It wasn’t until Spencer pointed it out when we started living together. That it wasn't pointed out to me. He had spoken to me about it as gently as possible because he understood it was a sensitive topic that could either make me sob or be deeply upset with him and push him away. 

It luckily ended in me trusting his judgement and he set me up with a psychologist. Within a month of therapy they decided I needed meds for my issues. Mood stabilizers, Antidepressants and anxiety medication. It took a lot of trial and error for us to find the right ones that worked for me. I was lucky enough to have a person in my life to love me through the changes I had to experience during that time. I unfortunately suffered from a hazy mind. If I get too focused on something I tend to forget to take all of the above. Spencer always kept a track of when I took them. He’d message me when I needed to when we weren’t together no matter what. 

Of course he couldn’t when he was kidnapped. So here I was having a hard time processing everything I needed to. ‘You need to go home and sleep, eat and take your medication my love.’ As he spoke he cupped my face and rubbed his thumb over my cheek. I couldn’t help but notice the way Ethan looked at me with envy from the other room when I wasn’t staring into Spencer’s golden irises. A part of me felt like Spencer was just trying to get rid of me but I also knew he needed to come home and rest too. I can’t imagine he actually got any while he was kidnapped even if he was presumably only with Ethan. 

I grabbed his hand and held it to my face as I leaned into it. I didn’t care that I had to stretch out my freshly made wounds. If anything the pain was a nice distraction from the whirlwind my mind had become from the ticking of the hours that had gone by. ‘Please come home with me. Ethan will be taken care of and it’s not like the Kitten can get out of her cell. Please.’ His eyes softened as he heard me speak and he went to shake his head no until Emily spoke up from behind us. 

‘Both of you are going home. Neither of you have a choice in the matter. Everyone here has gotten rest but you two. The rest of the team and I can handle this by ourselves for a little while. Go home you two.’ She spoke loud enough to cause a scene and I couldn’t help but wince as everyone stared. ��She’s right you haven’t eaten a proper meal Y/L/N in days’ Rossi commented from the peanut gallery. I pulled Spencer’s hand away from my face and squeezed it tightly. I hated being called out by anyone that wasn’t him. He has learned how to do it without making me feel guilty over the past couple of years. Right now all I felt was guilt. Guilty over the fact that on top of worrying about Spencer they were worried about me as well. I was such a screw up I swear. ‘ I agree I think I saw you resting your eyes maybe 10 minutes before you headed to the vending machine for an energy drink because the coffee wasn’t working for you anymore.’ Luke commented as he brought me my cardigan that I had draped over my chair at my desk. I sighed as I looked at him. 

‘Guys we are going. I promise.’ Spencer spoke as he began to pull my hand lightly to lead me away from everyone. ‘Don’t forget to put him in a holding cell.’ I said as I pointed at Ethan as his eyes never seemed to leave Spencer and I. I locked on to his gaze and followed his line of sight. Correction: it wasn’t on both of us. It was only on Spencer. 

I squeezed his hand harder than I probably should have. I didn't care. Ethan was truly creeping me out at that moment. Why was he staring at my husband like a child that had their favorite comfort item taken from them as a punishment.  Perhaps in a way that's what I was doing. I knew the moment he and I left they would treat him like an unsub as they should. He'd get no special treatment because Spencer wouldn't be around. I was giddy at the thought and let out a small laugh as I walked out of the building with him in tow.

-----------------

I felt a weight leave my chest when Y/n asked me to shower with her. I logically knew it was probably because she couldn't bring herself to actually wash her hair or even herself.  I was just thrilled over the fact that once our front door was locked into place she didn't turn around and snap at me about what happened between Cat and I.  I knew what I let happen bothered her greatly. We've spoken about it before many times.  I knew this time though I had almost opened Pandora's box. Perhaps I had only placed the key into it instead. 

Still pulling her into my arms as the hot water washed over us was enough to make me sob into her freshly washed hair. I never wanted her to doubt my love for her. Yet here I was showing attraction to two different people and that wasn't fair to her. Sure it hadn't been spoken about nor did she know about the relationship Ethan and I shared when we were much younger. She had a right to know. I knew that. I also knew now wasn't the time to mention it.

I felt her put her full weight into me as the water droplets rolled down her soft skin. She seemed so fragile.  We seemed so fragile.  Maybe I was overthinking. Maybe I was making up scenarios that would never come. Her hand inched up tracing the wound on my chest underneath it's bandage. I tried not to wince but no matter how gently she caressed it with her fingertips it still stung like it did when it was given to me mere days ago.

'I can't believe he did this to you.' Her voice was barely a whisper as if she too were afraid it would shatter the solace we found behind a mere shower curtain.  I caught her hand in mine and placed it over my heart. I leaned in and kissed her as gently as I could muster. She returned it in kind but I could tell she had more to say. So of course I let her. 

'He hurt you Spence and all you've done is protect him. I want to understand but I can't seem to wrap my head around why you'd protect a man that did such awful things to you.' As she spoke I remembered why I let him get away with it. It was simple. I couldn't remember who had actually hurt me. If it were him or Lindsey.  I never coherently saw her. I only saw him and I felt like that was deliberately done. 

'Sweetheart, do you trust me and my judgment on the matter?' As I spoke I pulled away from her to turn the water off and grab a towel wrapping her up in one first before I grabbed my own to dry myself off too. I watched in awe as she dried off and her breast jiggled as she did so. I had to turn my gaze away. Now was certainly not the time to be trying to bed my wife. I would be lying though if I said I didn't want to distract myself from everything that had happened these past few days.

Her and I both needed rest. She needed to eat first to take her medicine.  That was top priority not my raging lust for her. 'I do. I just. I don't know there's things I don't know that I need to know before I make my final judgement on the situation. All I know is that my husband has been sexually touched, kidnapped and tortured in a matter of days and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome besides not walking out of the bureau when Cat touched you through your slacks!'  

I could hear the frustration in her voice as she pulled on her panties and one of my t-shirts from college.  I watched her as she quickly left the bathroom to head into the kitchen. I quickly slid on my gray sweats and rushed after her. I didn't like the idea of her being alone when she was angry and not in a great state of mind. 

'I'm sorry.' I pulled her into me as she began to make herself toast. I placed a kiss on the junction between her neck and shoulder. 'I should have stopped the whole thing sooner. I just kept trying because I was certain if I did she'd slip up but she never did.' 

By now I knew how Y/N's mind worked. 'Spencer you didn't stop her because you didn't want to. Whether you understand your attraction to her or not. You've always wanted to sleep with her. You yourself told me so when we were just friends. Don't start lying to me now about things' She pulled away from me and took the toast and her glass of water to the couch.

I realized then that she had actually made me some toast as well. I turned around to grab my own glass of water and her medicine. I sat beside her and sighed. 'Eat first then take your medicine. If you are feeling up to it I'll tell you before we go to bed tonight. Everything you need to know and probably things you'd rather not hear but as my wife and my best friend you have the right to know everything.' 

She nodded as she bit into her food. Tears were silently streaming down her face already. I knew right now that it wasn't because of me. Not fully anyway she was just overwhelmed.  

We ate in silence. I handed her; her pills and she took them without complaint. If anything she seemed rather numb to everything around her.

'Maybe telling you should wait.' I said as I pulled her to me. 'Thank you for not fighting with me about taking your medicine.' I kissed her cheek. 'I'm proud of you and how well you've held yourself together while I was gone.' She wasn't codependent on me per say but praise was always something I gave her. Especially after mom started to pick fights with me about her medication.  Y/n was a walk in the park for me compared to her. She always felt bad that I needed to take care of her when she wasn't in her right state of mind. 

To be honest though I love taking care of her. She was perfectly capable of doing anything and everything on her own but she trusted me enough to shut her brain off for a bit and let me take the reins for a few hours or even days. Right at this moment was one of those times. It's not like I didn't have days and times like her where I shut my mind off as well because I did and she would baby me and look after me like I am her at this very moment. 

'I'd rather you tell me right now. I don't have the urge to fight or to do much of anything.' I nodded as I pulled her up with me and led her to the bed laying down with her and holding her from behind.

'First and foremost. I am in love with you with every fiber of my being. I don't ever want you to doubt that but I'll understand after I tell you everything if you do but I need you to always remember I will choose you without hesitation, without question.' She nodded after I was done. My fingers traced up and down her hand as I held her as close as possible. 

'I'll always be your best friend first. Then your wife. That was something I told you on our wedding day and I plan to stick by that choice. I only ask that you stay remaining honest with me. I can't stand not knowing what's going on in your mind. As long as we stay honest with one another I know that we can make it through anything.' She pulled my hand up to her lips and kissed it and I couldn't help but sigh in relief. She was more than I deserved and I don't think anyone would ever understand how much I didn't deserve her.

'I'm not sure if it was Ethan that hurt me. I know he was the one to kidnap me but other than that I don't believe it was him. He would never hurt someon-' I stopped myself as I was searching for the right words. I could tell she was waiting with baited breath. 'Ethan would never hurt me like that would most likely be the proper word to say.'

She nodded 'You're holding back love. Just say what needs to be said.  I can take it.'

I bit my lip and exhaled. 'Ethan wouldn't hurt me like that because he has been in love with me since college. We um.. he was- i-' I was struggling trying to form words. The past Ethan and I had together was a good one but he was also my first heartbreak. 

'He was your first love huh? It's okay Spence we all have a past. Some of us just don't stay close to those from it.' As she spoke she rolled over to face me with a soft smile on her lips. 'Keep going. It's okay.' I know all of her wanted to cup my face but she restrained herself and just made due fiddling with my wedding band on my finger. Which is something she always did when we were having a deep conversation. I knew as long as she was playing with mine and not her own that we were okay.

`We were friends for a long time before him and I became intimate with one another.  We always sorta stepped around the subject but one day after class he asked me out on a movie date. One thing led to another and I was in his room and we- we slept together.' She nodded again telling me to continue as her eyes stayed on her moving fingers. 

I made a face. It's not the fact that I didn't want to tell her it was just the fact that I didn't know how. 

'We dated all of college and then we separated when I joined the academy. I made it and he didn't.  We grew apart. One thing led to another and I caught him in a very intimate position with someone. He claimed that the other person involved was the one that started it. He didn't have time to react before I walked out.' 

I didn't dare look at her. I knew it was dumb of me to still be so hurt by what happened between him and I but I was. I trusted him deeply even to this day but I just couldn't let go of the way it looked like that wasn't their first kiss. No matter how many times he proved to me that it was.

Her hand moved to cup my face as she kissed away the small tears that I was shedding.

'I'm sorry he broke your heart Spencer.  You didn't deserve that.'

'After I left we never fully spoke again. I never gave him the time of day. Not fully.  We'd talk as friends and we'd talk for cases such as where Jj met Will but other than that I just shut anything to do with him out.'

I looked at her finally, my vision blurry with unshed tears and she looked at me and smiled softly at me. 'The truth is I was in love with him.  After him I fell in love with Maeve. Then I met you and it's like everything started making sense again.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't drawn to you originally because in some aspects you reminded me of him.  I think that was one of the reasons I first realized I was attracted to you.'

She pulled me in suddenly and kissed me sweetly on the lips.  'I love you Spencer. You and the things that make you, you now. We need to talk about Catherine but I'm getting very very sleepy and all I want from you right now is for you to let me drown in you and pretend for a small amount of time that these past few days haven't happened.' 

I pulled her into me and held her as she buried her face into my hair.  'I love you Mrs Reid more than you will ever be able to comprehend.'

With that we both fell asleep for the first time in 4 days. 

Taglist:

@sassymoon @rainsong01 @onlyhereforthefanfics @itsdars

[beetlegoose01]

stolen whispers: chapter 1

AN: this fic isn’t a request, it’s a story i’ve been preparing for a lil while and I’m so excited to share this with you all <3

I’ll link it on my Archive if you prefer to read it there. Also warning, there’s quite a few OCs.

Time: 2028 (Scorbus have been married for two years)

Summary: When a new generation of Death Eaters kidnap Scorpius, Albus and Rose put aside their differences to rescue him.

TW: Kidnapping/Language/minor violence

~~~~

Two witches wearing shadowy black robes entered the tavern, finding a table near the back. They ordered their mead, waiting for their third partner impatiently. It was a crowded area, so thankfully there was a small chance they would be overheard.

"We don't want more mead." The first woman growled, tapping her long nails at the table. The bartender, a tall man with a mustache put the drinks down.

"I didn't think so." He lips curled into a grin as he morphed into a younger man with wild dusty brown hair, wearing matching robes. He was handsome, but had an eerie presence to him. Any reasonable person would have at least flinched at the transformation, though neither witch did. "Hello ladies." He grinned cheekily.

"Soren, enough playing games." The second woman said, though she was smirking.

Soren barked out a laugh. "It was funny, Mara. And you know it."

The first woman, Lilith narrowed her eyes. She pulled down her hood, revealing cascading inky black hair down her shoulders. A scar that showed no sign of mending was down her cheek. "Your skills are impressive, but useless if you don't use them for our own gain. Don't forget that." She pulled her hood back.

"Understood." He murmured, taking a seat.

"We have much to discuss," She continued, flicking her wand idly. "Our current plan in action. Our...act of revenge. It's been thirty years since The Tenebris was wrongfully killed. I am sick and tired of his name being tossed around in history like he was some monster. He was on the right side."

"Are you certain we want to call the Dark Lord that?" Mara asked suspiciously.

"Shh! You know if anyone hears us, they'll lock us up for good. For speaking our minds." Lilith said. "It's safer we call him by his code name."

Her companions nodded.

"Because of his loss, we have mudbloods in positions of power. Our siblings that fought for his cause are locked up. Or worse, dead."

Mara and Soren looked grim.

"If we had more allies, perhaps we would have had a chance." Soren noted. "We weren't even alive then but...I have a feeling if we were..."

"Just because we weren't alive then, doesn't mean we don't have opinions over the lives stolen!" Mara argued. "That damn Harry Potter."

"Correct. And Soren is right too. For once. If we had more allies, or better yet...certain allies didn't betray us. The Malfoys for instance." She took a sip of her drink.

"Are you suggesting something?" Mara asked.

"Of course I am, don't be so daft." Lilian said, deadly calm. "I want to make that family suffer for what they did. My uncle Vincent Crabbe died for their selfishness. Draco Malfoy had a chance to save him, and he refused like the coward he is. His mother Narcissa lied to Tenebris' face. They are backstabbing filth that besmirched the Sacred 28. No, it isn't just about their betrayal or avenging those we lost in the war. Think of the big picture. They have the capabilities to join our side. To...respawn a new generation of Death Eaters. But that's not all...

"The Malfoys have lots of gold." She drawled. "Surely, they'll spare a few for us in exchange for something important. Or rather...someone."

"Someone?" Soren paused. "What are you suggesting?"

"Regretfully, Astoria Malfoy has passed on." Mara didn't sound the least bit sympathetic, instead stated it blandly. "So using her as a ransom for Draco is a no go."

"Ah, but there is still someone left." Lillian said, removing a small photograph from her cloak, she slid it across the table.

A young man with platinum hair was pictured, beaming brightly in Healer Robes.

"Scorpius Malfoy."

Soren and Mara exchanged a look of satisfaction.

"Bring him to me."

~~~~~~~~~~

The best thing about mornings, at least to Albus, was waking up beside his husband. The sun's bright rays peaked through the window of their cream colored bedroom, slowly stirring them both awake. If it was up to him, he would stay in their warm bed, arms wrapped around Scorpius until noon.

Scorpius rolled over, so that they were facing each other. His eyes fluttered open, and Albus felt his heart melt at his sapphire eyes.

"Hi." He yawned. His voice was slightly croaky, no doubt from the morning.

Albus replied by nuzzling his nose, then kissed his cheek. "Hi honey."

Scorpius laughed lightly. "Let's get up then. Start the day? It's a Saturday. We have the whole weekend to spend together."

"I'd rather spend it here with you."

Bathilda mewed from the kitchen.

"But our child is hungry." Scorpius teased, stretching as he slid out of bed. Albus begrudgingly slumped after him, not eager to wake up before ten am. But his own stomach was growling too.

"Speaking of children," Albus said, starting to work on their breakfast as Scorpius poured Bathilda's food. "Iris is pregnant again. James told me through a Howler yesterday."

"Really?" Scorpius' eyes widened. "That's great news!"

"Yeah, not for my ears." He commented dryly, still traumatized by James' excited screeching in his ear. "Baby number three." He whistled. "Do you think they're trying to make an entire quidditch team? With Teddy and Vic's lot included, they're on their way."

Though he was joking, Scorpius noticed that Albus was glowing, happy for his brother and sister in law. That was one of the many reasons he loved Albus. His love for his siblings.

"Perhaps. When are they due?"

"September. Which means...that's where they scurried off to last Christmas party." Albus quipped. "To have a little fun."

"Albus!" Scorpius scolded. "Honestly, only you would make a beautiful moment gross."

"It's life, Scorp!" He chuckled. "You're a Healer, you should know these things."

"We'll have to visit. Maybe bring a gift basket to congratulate them." He mused, smiling fondly. "I can't wait to meet our new niece or nephew." There was a wistful look in his eye that Albus caught.

"You've got that look on your face." He noted, amused. He served the plates of bacon sandwiches on the table.

"What do you mean?"

"That Scorpius 'I want something but I'm not going to spell it out for you' face."

"Oh."

"Yes, oh." Albus said, forest green eyes brightening in amusement. "What's up?" He took a seat, tucking into breakfast.

"Well," Scorpius started, staring at his food. "I was thinking..." He stopped himself, hesitant to continue his train of thoughts.

"Yeah?" Albus nudged him gently.

"I want a child." He said, his voice quiet, but firm. "I love my nieces and nephews so much, but they aren't...ours. I want to start a family with you, Albus. Raise a little one of our own to be bright and wonderful and brave and..."

Albus' expression softened. "I do too. You know I do, Scorpius. It's just...difficult right now." He stared at his wedding band. "You know it's harder for us than any hetero couple." He waved his hand vaguely. "Adoption is hard, surrogacy is expensive. Maybe once we settled into our careers more, we can talk about it."

"I think we're ready to go beyond just talking about it, Al."

"We're still young. We've still got time. But...I definitely want to work it out. Somehow, we will. We always do."

Scorpius beamed, reaching to kiss Albus' knuckle. "Thank you." He sat up abruptly. "Oh, I almost forgot- it's the farmer's market today."

Albus snorted. "You're exactly like your dad, you know?"

"Yes yes yes, but we should go!" Scorpius said, levitating the plates to the sink and it automatically was clean due to the floating sponges.

"We? I've got some work to do. I'm not very fond of small talk with old people selling fruit."

"Al, it's really good fruit." Scorpius said seriously. "And it's not all old people. I've seen some of our old schoolmates there."

Albus cringed. "That's even worse."

"Don't be so dramatic. Are you still coming?"

"Mm, but I should really finish this article. Go on without me."

"If you're sure...do you want me to bring anything back?"

Albus thought for a moment. "Those strawberries Ms. Beaker sells. Please? Strawberries and cream sounds so good right now."

"Brilliant, I'm on it." Scorpius did a mock salute.

"Have fun." Al waved as Scorpius appatered, leaving the kitchen empty. Albus went straight to work on his article.

~•~

The market was lively and merry, despite the early hour. Scorpius had stopped by the strawberry stand first, in case he forgot.

Ever since they had moved two years ago, Scorpius had found himself drawn to the quaint farmer's market. Not because of the delicious, fresh food, but to socialize. He made quite a few friends with the muggles who lived around there...mostly old ladies. The early days of their marriage, Albus would join him. Before life got in the way, and work had to be done.

Not that he wasn't busy himself. He only had two days off as a Healer, sometimes less. He didn't know how they would manage childcare, but like Al had said, it was best not to dwell on the future.

"Scorpius? Is that you?"

He turned around, following the voice from behind him. "Polly ...Chapman?" He uttered blandly, praying he wasn't mistaken. He didn't have the best memory- even with old schoolmates who bullied him.

"Yep." Polly said, laughing lightly. "It's me. Been a while."

"It has." Scorpius shifted his weight. "How are things?"

"Great!" She smiled, swishing her blonde ponytail, the same air of confidence from when she was a teenager. "Yann and I are engaged."

"Oh! That's wonderful." Scorpius said, pretending to sound pleased. "Congratulations!"

"Thank you. I proposed to them last month. It was just as I had dreamed."

"How is...Yann?" Scorpius did not actually care how Yann was.

"They're good! Brilliant actually, since they passed Auror training." Polly looked genuinely proud of them, which he had to admit was adorable. "Are you and Albus still..."

"Yes, yes. We um, er- we've been married almost two years actually." He added.

"Aw, that's very sweet. You two were always very close, yeah?" Polly looked at him, and Scorpius nearly walked backwards, intimidated by her stance. She still was extremely scary, like a lioness but with a great sense of fashion. "I know...Yann, Karl and I weren't the best to you two but perhaps we could..." She trailed off. "I'd like you both to come. To the wedding. If you'd like."

That...wasn't what he was expecting. He half expected her to invite him to another Blood Ball.

"Pardon?" Scorpius asked, dumbfounded. "I mean- yeah, that sounds great! Fun! Yes. That sounds nice. I'll bring it up to Al."

Polly was glowing. "Brill! I've got to go, but we should all hang out sometime. Like old times."

Like old times? Scorpius thought. When did they ever hang out?

Nodding mutely, he walked away from Polly with a puzzled, but cheerful expression. He hadn't completely fucked up the conversation, which was always a plus. It still felt odd that Polly Chapman of all people was talking to him, let alone inviting him to her wedding. It was bizarre.

He passed the final vendor, and was surprised and amused to see a tiny girl, no more than seven standing behind it. She had a Brownie uniform on, bright rosy cheeks and pigtails included.

"Would you like a biscuit?" She squealed.

It had taken him a moment to respond, he was still thinking of Polly being kind to him "Oh erm- of course." It was impossible to say no to an adorable small child. He reached for some muggle money, handing her the pound notes. "Just the one box please."

"Okie dokie!" She said, handing him the box. She waited a moment, pouting. "Go on, try it." She urged.

"I really shouldn't I-"

"Please?" The little girl gave him the most pitiful expression. "It's for a good cause, mister. We're helping orphaned puppies find homes."

"Well, alright. For the puppies." He fumbled open the box, taking a polite bite out of the cookie. It was a classic lemon cookie with powdered sugar, one of his favorites. But the second he swallowed, he felt dizzy all of a sudden. "What..." He stumbled back. "Oh my," He gulped, the entire market swirling around him. Something wasn’t right. "is there something in..." 

He would be damned if he let this happen without some sort of fight. Throwing his basket aside, he collapsed, slipping into unconsciousness.

"We've got him."

[makeadealwithdean]

Ask game from three days ago - 17 (Thoughts on each of the psychic kids? any headcanons of the metaphor within their arc? any canon divergent ideas?), 25 (When do you think Castiel fell in love with Dean? When do you think he realised it? And if you think the opposite is also true, when?), 30 (Is John Winchester redeemable? Is he complex? Is he in love with Azazel?), 54 (Should Lucifer had come back? How would you have changed that, if you would have?)

hi love! thank you for the ask!!! sorry it’s taken me so long to reply! i always enjoy answering y’all’s questions, and a couple of these i haven’t even thought about before so it’ll be interesting to see what i come up with, because i don’t even know until i actually start typing :)

***season 4-6 spoilers ahead. yes i’m aware it aired 10 years ago. i’m just being courteous. 

another note: none of these gifs are mine, i got them all from google, and i’m not claiming any of them as my work

25– i think the moment Cas laid a hand on Dean in hell, he was lost. gone. period. i don’t think he realized it, though, until either “On the Head of a Pin” (04x16) or “The Monster at the End of This Book” (04x18). 

the reason i say one of these is because 4x16 is the episode in which Cas and Uriel kidnap Dean to force him to torture information out of Alastair. there’s a scene during which Cas and Dean speak privately, and Cas tells Dean he wishes he didn’t have to do this. this is also the episode that Cas reveals he’s been put under Uriel’s command because the angels fear he’s “become too close to the humans in his charge.” it’s fairly emotional because Dean’s trauma from torturing souls in hell is very clearly visible, and it seems to pain Cas to force Dean into something this painful for them. Dean agrees finally, and after it goes sideways, Cas visits Dean in the hospital and tells him he’s the righteous man and the first seal, and Cas has been sent to watch over him. 

That’s one option, or more likely, i think, 04x18. the reason i say 4x18 is because this is the episode in which the Winchesters meet Chuck for the first time. you’ll remember the whole “Lilith is coming for Sam, and Sam’s gonna make a deal with her” ordeal. distraught over this, Dean prays to Cas for the first time. Cas appears, and they have an intense discussion. the important bit is that when Dean begs Cas for help in the parking lot of the motel, Cas says he cannot intervene, but when Dean’s anger heightens (Dean tells him not to come to him next time he needs help), it clearly distresses Cas. he quickly reminds Dean that he doesn’t have a choice on whether to help him or not. then, this happens: 

Cas: You must understand why I can't intercede. Prophets are very special, they're protected.

Dean: I get that

Cas: If anything threatens a prophet, anything at all, an archangel will appear to destroy that threat. Archangels are fierce, they're absolute, they're heaven's most terrifying weapon. 

Dean: And these archangels, they're tied to prophets?

Cas: Yes.

Dean: So if a prophet was in the same room as a demon...?

Cas: Then the most fearsome wrath of heaven would rain down on that demon.

and then, he gives him this look:

this is the first time Cas actively goes against heaven’s will to aid Dean. that speaks for itself, and tell me that isn’t the face of a rebel angel in love with the righteous man in his charge.

as for Dean, the straight answer (get it? haha, straight? anyway-) is that i think he fell in love with Cas either in “The End” (05x04) or “Free to Be You and Me” (05x03). since 05x03 happens first, i’ll start there. 

everyone remembers this as the episode when Dean takes Cas to a strip club. it’s also the “personal space” episode. look at this. look at them.

anyway, Cas came to Dean for help with finding Raphael, because Dean is the Michael sword, and no angel is going to harm him. Dean really doesn’t wanna help him, but spoiler alert, cas convinces him to.

fast forward to Cas telling Dean he doesn’t expect to live through trapping the archangel. Dean doesn’t want him to die a virgin (we been knew) 

and takes him to a brothel where Cas gets on the wrong side of his lady, and Dean gets them out of there before security throws them out. Dean of course finds the whole situation hilarious, and reveals that he hasn’t laughed that hard in a very long time-- “years.”

and then afterwards, in baby, when Cas asks Dean how he’s doing and he says, “good. really good.” hmm, i wonder why.

anyway, 05x04 “The End.” okay, this is complicated because it involves another Dean and Cas that aren’t the Dean and Cas we’ve been talking about, but they really are the same Dean and Cas, aren’t they? just future, seen-the-worst-case Dean and Cas. 

anyway, after that confusing statement, we can probably all agree on the fact that this episode heavily implies that endverse!Dean and endverse!Cas participate in orgies together. which really says a lot about their relationship as opposed to how their relationship is in the show at this point in time in early season 5. the episode makes it fairly obvious that endverse!Dean is still having relationships with women, as if that makes up for this:

because in no universe is that not gay. but the goal here is to prove that season 5!Dean is in love with Cas. the first thing Dean does when he gets out of the handcuffs that endverse!Dean puts him into is ask around for Cas. yes, it’s cause he’s hoping Cas will use his angel mojo to zap him back home, but i’m willing to bet that even if searching out someone else had been the most helpful thing at the time, he still would’ve found Cas first. Cas is his safe place, even future!Cas.

this episode could also be used to argue that Cas is in love with Dean, because that’s very obvious here, but we already knew that. anyway, Dean finds Cas, asked if he’s stoned, Cas says “generally,” and Dean looks honestly, quite disturbed. this isn’t his Cas, but then again, isn’t it? and Cas. well, Cas knows immediately, the second Dean walks up to him, that this isn’t his current Dean. he just knows, and no, it’s not cause he’s an angel, because he’s lost his angel mojo at this point. so, yay for us, we get this scene:

now here’s the part that really speaks to me. Dean pulls endverse!Dean aside while their on their big mission to “ice the devil” and asks him what the deal is. apparently, he’s aware of his own lying tells. endverse!Dean reluctantly tells him that it’s a trap, so lucifer must know they’re coming, and he plans on sending the rest of the group (other than himself and past Dean) straight through the front doors as a diversion, to which Dean responds,

“Cas, too?” Dean is dumbfounded that he would sacrifice his own friends, but he really cannot process that future him is making the decision to knowingly and intentionally send his Cas to his death. this kind of parallel is mirrored later in season 12 (amongst other places) when Cas is dying from Michael’s scythe weapon. lying in front of the three Winchesters, he manages to say “I love you. I love all of you.” he felt that need to stress that he loves all of them, so then who was the first “i love you for? three guesses as to who he’s speaking to. i hope you said Dean, because if so, you’re correct. 

anyway, so back to 05x04, that’s our first obvious moment that reveals Cas stands out to Dean amongst the people he cares about, because trust me, there are smaller moments before then. just watch the episode, and pay attention to the looks they give each other. 

and yes, the “i ain’t gonna lie to you, me and him? we got a messed up thing going on” is in this episode, but the reason i’m not including it is because endverse!Dean is actually referring to Dean in this statement. he points and gestures in Cas’ direction, so we can read into that all we want, but the context is that Dean’s clone (past Dean) has just revealed himself to the trigger-happy hunters (who have already lived through the apocalypse, btw) under endverse!Dean’s command. smh, Dean. people love to gif that moment, and i personally believe they have Cas standing near Dean purposefully for it, but we’re talking strict canon moments here.

okay, so yada yada, lucifer!sam talks to past Dean, Zach (ugh) appears, and zaps Dean back to present day, and threatens him if he doesn’t say yes to Michael. right as Dean is about to get got, Cas summons him to where Cas has been waiting for him (cause remember this is the “i’ll just wait here then” episode as well). so Dean smiles so tenderly at him that my heart just bursts every time i see it:

and that, my friends, is the moment i believe Dean fell for Cas. now as for when he realized it, that’s a whole different story. personally, i believe it was sometime in season 6, though it’s hard to put a finger on the exact moment. that being said, if i had to make a case for exact episodes, i’d probably go with “Caged Heat” (06x10) or “The Man Who Would Be King” (06x20). 

although, i do think that as soon as Dean was able to let go of Lisa and Ben, he realized he loved Cas, and Dean had their memories erased in “Let It Bleed” (06x21). i think, though, that while Dean obviously still loved Lisa and Ben (i don’t think he really ever stops), he realizes he isn’t in love with Lisa a while before he erases hers and Ben’s memory. that would be the closest point i could say for Dean realizing it’s Cas who he’s in love with. the problem with that is, it’s hard to find the moment Dean fell out of love with Lisa. besides, i think it happens gradually over time anyway.

okay, let’s look at “Caged Heat” for a minute. you might be wondering, “hey isn’t that the megstiel episode??” yes, it is. but we’re focusing on Dean, and the reason i bring that up is because i truly believe that megstiel was a catalyst for Dean’s realization. think about it, it makes sense for this:

the gif doesn’t show the moment when Cas spins her against the wall, but it does show Dean’s face, Sam’s confusion, and then Sam looking to see Dean’s reaction, which the camera angle also allows us to see. coincidence? i think not. jealousy is a powerful emotion, and i personally have known people sometimes only realize their feelings for a person when they see that person with someone else.

anyway, Dean’s face is blurred, but we can still tell he’s shocked (obviously), but is it just me, or does anyone else see his face kinda fall a bit? not to mention the fact that the camera really shows shows Dean’s reaction when Cas pins her against the wall.

he’s like “wait, you-- did he-- you saw that, too, right?” and Sam is once again, turning to look at Dean’s reaction. remember, Sam is soulless here, too, so this isn’t him worried about Dean. i think he just genuinely wants to know how Dean’s gonna react, because everyone knows Sam knows. anyway, i’m sure there are more moments i could dissect, but i’ve already written so much that i’m just gonna move on to “The Man Who Would Be King.”

okay so with this episode, remember Bobby thinks Cas is working with Crowley and keeps trying to convince Sam and Dean of this. Sam seems pretty convinced, but Dean insists that they give Cas the benefit of the doubt, because he’s their friend and all. Dean is set on not wanting to believe Cas would betray the three of them, because as we all know, Cas and Dean have a “more profound bond” so it seems that Dean is taking this all very personally. as one does when they’re in love with someone.

as much as Dean wants to believe Cas could never betray them, he has to accept it when Cas mentions something that Bobby said in a private discussion, revealing he’d been spying on them. Dean doesn’t let him see that he knows in the moment, but it’s clear throughout the episode that nothing else hurts him quite like the pain of this particular betrayal. as hard as this is to process for Dean compared to Sam and Bobby, the only explanation in my mind for this reaction is simply: Dean loves him. and if this is the case, the fact that it hurt Dean this much just might’ve been enough for Dean to realize, if he hadn’t already, that he’s in love with Cas.

anyway, that’s my opinion on that! and i’m tagging @downanddirtydean because i know she wanted to read this. if you made it this far, thank you for reading!!

p.s. -- everyone, if you want to send me an ask, please do! i love getting them, and tumblr is so much more fun when we interact with each other! x