#since i usually just interact with my moms who know i'm autistic and are also both neurodivergent

[oh-meow-swirls]

i think this was funnier in my head.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my mom I don't like it when she slaps my ass? potential tw

so I (22 trans m) currently live with my mom (65), and I've always had issues with how she interacts with my body. today she woke me up to try on a pair of pants I bought yesterday before she washed them, and I asked her if she could stop staring at me while I took my pajama pants off to try on the jeans. she pushed back and laughed it off saying it didn't matter, so I had to change in front of her cause she refused to leave the room. this has happened many times before where she insists on watching me change, even when I'm completely naked, despite me asking her not to.

I put the pants on and she immediately comes over to inspect how they fit for herself, tugging on the waistband and looking them over, then promptly slaps my ass. I immediately recoil and tell her I didn't like it and I want her to stop, and she scoffs and rolls her eyes at the suggestion. I tell her it's weird because we've had this conversation before since her slapping my ass is a frequent occurrence, and like usual, she insists there's nothing weird about it because she's my mother and she isn't doing it to be sexual. when she does this, she usually says, "I birthed that ass, so I'm allowed to slap that ass if I want to." I tried to tell her that I'n an adult and I should be allowed to tell her when I don't like something she does to me, and I was visibly pissed off and kicked her out of my room to go back to bed.

I could hear her in the other room walking around saying loudly, "ohh, so I'M aaaaalways the problem. I'm the problem, of course," in like a mocking tone because she clearly thinks I'm in the wrong. I know she's an asshole for a lot of other reasons (she's pretty transphobic and doesn't respect my name, pronouns, or that I'm on hormones, and she frequently takes out her anger issues on me by yelling at me if I even look at her wrong when she's mad), but this one has been bothering me a lot since I moved back home after college (I'm also unemployed and wouldn't be able to move out for a while despite already wanting to get away from her)

for further context, she's always had a specific way of interacting with my body that I think is weird but she refuses to see it. she insisted on personally bathing me into middle school, then continued to say that I needed her help to shower correctly even up to now, so she frequently walks into my bathroom or bedroom when I'm entirely naked and will look my body over and I'm not a fan of it. she also still tries to force her way into changing rooms if we go shopping together so that she can have the final say in how I look in clothes, and she never even wants to turn around or wait outside while I strip.

I've tried to get her to stop before but she keeps doing it, insisting that she's my mother so she's allowed to, even though I'm an adult who hasn't lived with her for the past four years and is very autonomous, so it's not like she still does everything for me. she also pushes back and says that if I think it's weird then it must mean I've been assaulted before and that's why I don't like it when she touches me. I'm also autistic and don't like frequent hugs or any kind of touching and she doesn't like it when I tell her to stop doing that too, but her slapping my ass and insisting on seeing me naked is the stuff that really bothers me, the rest I tolerate just so I don't have to argue with her all the time.

I've asked friends before if they think it's weird she does this, but she's so insistent that she should be able to touch me whenever and however she wants just because she's my mom and that she can look at me naked because she birthed me and has seen me naked before, so why is it different now that I'm a full on adult. I honestly don't know who's in the wrong for this specific thing and if I'm over exaggerating like my mom says I am, but I'm so sick of her touching me when I tell her not to that I needed to poll answers, so:

am I the asshole for telling my mom to stop slapping my ass and insisting on looking at me while I'm naked despite being an adult and asking her not to?

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary + burnt lion secondary (bird model)

I wrote a lot here, and I generally wrote about the same few themes. I know that I repeated myself a lot, so feel free to cut out anything that's repetitive. (I feel kind of bad making you do that, since that's putting more work on you and I could write a more cohesive essay, but I thought I'd give you all the information at my disposal, even if it's really repetitive. I also feel kind of presumptuous for giving you permission, because you can do whatever you want to).

That's a lot of apologizing right up front. I think we might have a burned secondary here.

I just wanted to read your responses to what I wrote, since they're very interesting to me. You go really in-depth with your responses, which I appreciate. 

I think I'm a Lion Bird, but I can't really see that much Lion in myself, other than being opinionated and hating lying.

Hmm. Well, being opinionated is more a personality trait than a method or a motive. And really hating to lie usually comes with Lion *secondaries.*

All that I'm really sure of is that I definitely have a Bird secondary. I really like psychology and classifying people into systems. I have trouble making sense of people sometimes (like what motivates them and drives them), and categorizing people helps me feel better about interacting with them.

Cheers. Completely get what you mean. I mean, why else do you think I'm doing this?

(And for the record, my Bird is a model that I love. Which might possibly be the case for you.)

I also like writing, but I don't have the self-discipline to finish anything, which makes me give up on ideas after a few days. 

Now I know this is coming from me being a writing teacher. I kind of have to believe that anyone who wants to write can write, given enough time and support.

But I hear stuff like this from my students all the time. And it either means that they don't have the right scaffolding and framework, or that they aren't writing using the process that's ideal for them. I categorically reject words like "lazy" and "no self discipline," because I think they're symptoms, not causes. I have zero doubt that you can write... and think that this is starting to sound like the language of a burnt secondary. Or maybe just a secondary that needs some support.

I want to go into psychology, but I wouldn't feel comfortable being a therapist. I'm definitely not good at identifying with people's emotions. My family even thought that I was autistic at one point, even though I'm not (I don't show enough of the symptoms). 

I'm also low-level autistic, what they used to call Asperger's back in the day. And I'm also not good at identifying with people's emotions, at least in an empathic way. Emotions are not contagious for me the way they seem to be for lots of other people. But I'll tell you a secret. A lot of people like that. Especially people who are high emotion, panicky, on the verge of a meltdown. I'm calm. I de-escalate. I can also sift though the emotional noise to get at the problem.

I probably idolize Bird primaries?

Another tendency I have noticed in myself. (Makes me think you're probably an Idealist.)

I'm fairly sure that I'm not a Snake or a Badger. I don't really care about people that much, or fitting in with groups. Badgers seem to me like they're deferring to the group at the expense of themselves, and that they either don't have their own opinions, or, worse, they're hiding them to gain other people's acceptance.

That's a description of a very immature, or very exploded Badger, but I agree - you're probably not a loyalist.

I'm pretty impulsive, and I hate lying to people (my mom will lie to someone just to make them feel better, and I can't stand it). Those are really the only Lion traits I have.

^ Those are Lion secondary traits, again.

I'm not really brave or anything like that. 

That's the parent system. Means nothing here.

I read in your other SortMes that you liked anecdotes, so here are a lot of them. I was just trying to figure out what would be the most useful/helpful to you. I do that a lot...I'll try to figure out what people want me to do and try to give that to them.

'Make yourself useful' 'make yourself helpful' 'give me what you think I want.' But very consciously constructed, this isn't Courtier badger. An Actor Bird persona, maybe? But you don't seem to *like* problem solving this way. Is there maybe some Badger primary modeling going on that's weighing heavily on you, and that's why you had such a knee-jerk negative reaction to even the idea of a Badger primary. Or is this just burnt secondary stuff?

I don't think it's in a Snake way, because I'm not trying to be different people. It's more like I'm emphasizing different attributes of myself.

I mean yeah, you're a person. We all do this. We just all use slightly different mechanisms to do it, which is where the different secondaries come in.

I'm just insecure, and I want people to like me, but I wouldn't change myself for another person's acceptance (at least, I hope I wouldn't).

And we're back to burnt secondary language. There's anxiety, and no joy in your problem solving.

When I was younger (age 12 or so), I thought in black-and-white patterns and thought that everyone who didn't agree with me was wrong.

Okay, well. Classic young Bird primary. I am seeing it overlap with young Lion primaries though. Wrong/Bad/Enemy language can get very muddled together, especially if you're young.

My mom brought me to church with her, and I hated it so much that I compared her believing in God to being the same as her believing in Santa Claus. According to my mom, I've always been opinionated, and when I was around six I told my whole class that Santa wasn't real, making some kids cry. I'm proud of myself for being confident enough to stand up for myself and my beliefs like that, even if I can't remember it. I feel kind of bad that I made kids cry, though.

Definitely an idealist. And I know the easy thing would be to say Bird primary here, because it's all about debating and debunking... but factoring in how young these examples are, and how public they are... Lion primary is still totally possible. That gut deep 'this is wrong, even if my authority figures disagree' is Lion primary... and the "I must express it NOW' is Lion secondary.

I'd never be that vocal about my beliefs now (because I'm scared of people. Thanks, social anxiety). I still judge people like that, to an extent. I know it's immature and I try not to, but I still fall into the trap of judging people from time to time. I don't like people who smoke or do drugs. I know it's a disease that causes biological changes in the brain, and that people usually start doing things like that in the first place because they want a sense of belonging or to cope with depression or something, but I can't stand them. I judge their moral and character, because they chose to do that, even though I know they're not bad people. I don't like it, but that's how I feel.

It's funny that you pair these things together, because it's very common for people with untreated social anxiety disorder to self-medicate with cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much people scare you, you've got to find some way to power though.

I do appreciate your honesty, and I do appreciate that you know this is a tendency that isn't doing you any favors. That little aside about how you need to get your emotions check, though- that's really REALLY bird primary. You don't like how you feel, you're working on changing that, and it's one of the traits that make Bird primaries so admirable.

If you've got untreated social anxiety, I truly hope you can get that looked at before you pick up any unhealthy coping mechanisms. In the mean time, I'm operating within the framework of the SHC system, and I'm going to call out the burnt secondary language. "I'd like to do this, but it's scary."

Around the age of 12, I argued with my mom a lot (teenage hormones, my depression starting to flare up, ect.)

Also an especially common things for young Lion secondaries to do.

My mom said that I'd be a good lawyer because I liked arguing with her (it made me feel powerful, and allowed me to get my anger out) and criticized her about the exact words that she used. My mom even stopped during arguments to look up words and show me the definition so that I wouldn't yell at her about it. I'm pretty sure that's a secondary Bird thing?

What, nit-picking about semantics? I mean it can be. It's just a debate strategy. The thing that's drawing my attention a lot more is what you say about arguing angrily making you feel powerful. That is not true of everyone, not even a little, and is leaning me more towards Lion secondary.

I also used to be really concerned with semantics, and using words correctly. I'd correct people in class if I heard them using the wrong grammar.

*that* might just be a neurodivergent thing.

I also absolutely refused to let anyone cheat off of me, even though people asked me if they could. I saw it as them using me, and cheating's wrong.

I think that's a person thing. If you told me you *did* let random people cheat off you just for the asking, I'd think that was unusual.

I know that I was paralyzed for a few years after high school. I didn't know what job I wanted to have/what I wanted to do with my life, and I was really depressed so I thought that I wouldn't be happy doing anything anyway.

Oh OUCH. That sounds like a REALLY burned secondary.

I almost picked the military because the idea of them picking something for me sounded nice. I wanted someone tell me what my job would be, so that I wouldn't have to decide it for myself and feel responsible for my career choice. Thankfully, I didn't join the military, and psych feels relatively 'me', even if I'm nervous about inadvertently becoming a therapist. 

And a burned primary. I'm glad you're doing better. (And you would not be the first Bird Lion who knocked over their secondary and froze, when their primary took a hit. Not by a long shot.)

I spent a solid two to three years feeling trapped, researching every job in existence and taking career tests over and over. 

Now this has Exploded Bird primary written all over it. ALL over it.

I really like gathering research (mostly reading about one or two things, like psychology). I wish I was interested in everything. I've tried to force myself to study things that I'm not really interested in (medicine, computer programming/technology), because I really like them conceptually/theoretically, and I want to be good at things like that. I've always idolized people who I see as smart, even though I'm smart, too. Or if I can't be interested in everything, at least just pick one thing (like playing the piano, for example), and become a master at it. I'm a dilettante, but not as much of one as I hope I could be? I admire people who study everything just for the sake of knowledge.

I don't think you're a Bird secondary. And more than that, I think you have an exaggerated, idealized idea of what a Bird secondary is. No Bird secondary is interested in everything. You are smart, and being smart is a huge part of your identity, and so therefore you must be a Bird secondary. (And then you beat yourself up for not doing it perfectly.)

(cheers for using the word "dilettante" though. that's a fun word :)

I wish that I could devote myself more to the things that I'm interested in, like music theory or economics. I want to know about them, but when I actually sit down and read a book about it, I get so bored that I can't finish.

Despite my general disdain for the American education system, I loved school. I always idolized being homeschooled as a kid, to get more personalized education at a faster pace, and I begged my mom for years to be homeschooled. She always said no.

I want to learn about things like history and music theory for fun, but I can't do it without the structure of a class because they're boring, even though I want to know about them and find them interesting. I want to learn a wide variety of things just for the sake of it, even though I usually just stick with the same few things. 

I remember failing a college class (it was a computer science class) because I kept failing the projects. It was hands-on, which definitely isn't the type of learning that suits me. I remember thinking afterwards that as long as my class had a textbook, I wouldn't fail, because I'd know what to study and how. I really admire computer programming and how far technology has come, but I don't like coding. I like the theory of it more than the practical applications, if that makes sense?

I'm actually very interested in this. You love school, you love being in class, studying from a textbook is not a problem but hands-on type projects are. But sitting by yourself and reading a book is under-stimulating.

Cool. You seem like the exact person that online classes and lecture series were invented for. All that stuff like The Great Courses, Master Class, Skill Share, Nebula... and then there's always the option of taking a class or a lecture locally, for fun. Learning doesn't have to look like sitting down and reading a book... which is doubly the case if you are a Lion secondary (as I suspect you are.)

I've always been unafraid to express my opinions (with my family, at least. My social anxiety inhibits me anywhere else). I'll tell my mom something like her boyfriend doesn't care about her because he likes himself more than he likes her, or something really blunt like that. I wish that I could stop doing that and try to be more open-minded. 

Yeah, that's pretty damn blunt. You're blunt, and you seem to enjoy being blunt. Even in this example, it's not the being blunt that bothers you, it's the being closed-minded (which is more of a primary issue.)

I'll also get sad about societal things that I can't change, like capitalism or the education system. (I have a huge issue with society controlling people, too. That's why I hate religion so much - it's telling you one 'right' way to think, instead of letting people choose for themselves.) 

How very Friedrich Nietzsche of you. And I get it. I read Genealogy of Morals when I was 17 and that was a *very* important book for me. I also read Eichmann in Jerusalem at about the same time, and thought they paired very well together.

I've always wanted to understand myself at a really deep level, knowing why I do everything that I do. I try, but I can't figure out everything. But it's always been a driving force of mine.

To some degree, I think this is just human. The unexamined life is not worth living, and all that.

I like categorizing people. I'm really interested in psychology (for example, people often use personality tests like the MBTI when it's been proven in studies to not be scientifically accurate, even though a lot of the traits correspond to the scientifically-accurate Big 5 personality test, which I find interesting. I wonder if the Big 5 being created by psychologists while the MBTI being created by two people who weren't even involved in psychology has anything to do with it.)

I mean, MBTI was created a hundred years ago by two self-taught woman because like... heck that's still early days of psychology, so getting any kind of formal degree would have taken some doing, not to even mention the whole woman-in-higher- education thing of the time. And MBTI is self-diagnostic. It's like SHC, and honestly like astrology, in that the point is to give you language you can use to describe and categorize yourself.

Big Five was developed in the 80s as a tool you could use for studying trait theory in demographic samples. It's fundamentally more useful for studying other people. It's just... really really different.

I hate lying. I lied a lot when I was a kid (once again, around age 12), but that was more me trying to avoid punishments/test my boundaries. Typical teenage things (lol, alliteration).

I also think you might be unusually resistant to thinking of yourself as a Lion secondary, because you equate Lion secondary traits with *teenager* traits. Instead of just young Lion secondary traits with the potential to mature into something cool.

I know that I have Lion traits, like feeling that things are wrong and then obsessively researching to find out why, but I wouldn't trust those gut feelings without a reason, or act on feelings without thinking things through first. Maybe I have a Bird Primary model?

Or you're just a Bird. Because that's a description of a Bird.

I know that I idolize Birds and knowledge in general, but being completely rational sounds like a nightmare. I'm interested in things that require feelings, like psychology and writing.

Birds aren't SPOCK. (And if you've read my sorting of the guy, you'll know that I don't actually even think he's a bird.)

When I look at Lion Birds in TV shows and books and such, they feel way too impulsive and emotional and confident to be like me. When I look at Bird Lions, they have way too much perseverance and stubbornness to be like me.

I mean, just going by what you've told me here, I'd say those two things describe you. There are also a lot of Bird Lions out there who are kind of *going though it.* One of the easiest ways to identify a fictional Bird Lion to spot their tendency to shut down after an existential crisis. You're telling me you didn't identify with Buzz Lightyear even a little? :D

Of course, part of the reason's due to stereotypical character personalities, but I don't see much of myself in either one of them. I know that I have Lion traits, but I know it's not my secondary, since I use Bird traits to help me solve problems (i.e., researching).

I'm sorry to say it, but I haven't seen you use Bird secondary to solve problems. In fact, researching and over-researching seems like an anxiety response. You use words like "obsessive" and you worry about not doing it well enough. The examples you've given me of problem solving involve you just putting yourself out there and punching though the obstacles, and you describe that as feeling good and powerful.

Clearly you have a Bird secondary model, and it's important to you. It's fun, you love it, it's important to your identity, and it probably helped you out during that period when your secondary was really burned. But I think there's a Lion secondary under there that needs to be looked at too.

One of the tests said that I had a Burned Lion Primary and was overcompensating with a Bird Secondary, but I don't think that's right

It's possible, and sometimes what appears to be a stressed Bird primary can end up being a Burnt Lion primary, that is a thing. But I agree that it's not the cleanest explanation, that makes the most sense for you.

I feel like I've always been in-between being emotional and logical, and that life would be a lot easier if I were either one or the other. I have a really logical personality, but I've always been drawn to humanities, which caused a lot of confusion and feeling like I didn't fit. I usually do best when I'm allowed to be creative and analytical at the same time, like writing essays when I have to analyze character motivations.

Yeah, you're fine. You're an emotional Bird who likes to factor that in when you make decisions. The DBT idea of the "wise mind" might appeal to you, especially if you're thinking of going into psychology.

I love psychology, but I'd be terrified if I were a therapist and forced to emphasize with people and understand them, even if I loved diagnosing them.

Diagnosing people IS understanding them. You don't have to be afraid of this. And you don't need high empathy.

As a sort of ending, I really admire what you're doing. I've been fascinated by personality and the way that people are different for most of my life. I'd love to do something like you're doing. When you answer submissions, you always go into a lot of detail, and they're very interesting to read. Thank you. I would apologize for the length, but you're probably going to cut out anything that's repetitive anyway. Essentially, I'm just trying to get more insight into this personality system, because it's really cool. Thanks for replying

You're very welcome. This one was fun. I always like doing Bird primaries because I always end up getting all philosophical. :)

[toasted-leaf]

My first date as an Autistic person

Okay, so I'm a 23 y/o autistic woman who's recently diagnosed (less than a year ago) and have never dated anyone, never been on a date or kissed anyone before. As someone who always struggled with social interactions, dating or going out with people was never really on my radar. Although it was something that I really wanted to experience, I never got the oportunity to do so due to many different reasons (whether them being considered "on the less attractive side" while growing up, having severe social and generalized anxiety, personality/ behaviours also being considered to be out of the norm, etc). Enough years had past where I've already given up on having those experiences and to be honest I was fine with it.

But to my own surprise, I was asked out by a random guy that I met at my local bookstore. From the get go I thought that it wouldn't necessarily be a "great" date (since I would be in a completely new social situation with someone that I didn't knew, it was less likely for me to feel comfortable and properly enjoy the whole thing), but since the opportunity has appeared, I wanted to see what it was like just for funsies. Luckily, I was pleasantly surprised and had, what I consider, to be a very nice first experience. I was very very very anxious about it beforehand and, even though my friends and therapist gave me a lot of good advice, it felt like I was taking a shot in the dark. I had a vague idea on how dates worked but never went on one myself, and specially didn't knew what it would look like from the perspective of someone who's on the spectrum.

So, I'll share a bit of my experience and what I've learned in case anyone wants to know or finds themselves in a similar situation.

SOME TIPS:

In order to be more safe, it's good to know at least little bit about them prior to the date. Their age, their work, any hobbies, where they usually like to hang out, etc., those are things that usually come up naturally on first conversations but if they don't, I don't think it's weird to ask them on a casual manner (like "do you work nearby? Oh cool, what do you work with?", "and by the way, how old are you?").

Me and the guy didn't texted e/o too much before the date (specially cause I suck at texting people) but while doing so, he was very respectful and considerate when I asked for us to get to know each other more before meeting up. I've been on very toxic friendships in the past due to missing some more nuanced red flags so this was something good that caught my eye.

Also, by texting them you can have a little bit of a better idea of who you're meeting up with, so I recomend it!!

One of the reasons on why I agreed on hanging out even though he was a somewhat stranger, was that when we first spoke, at all times I felt comfortable and able to set any boundaries if needed. If you're not used to this situation it's probably going to feel a bit weird to do these new things, but it's always a green flag if they make you feel comfortable and make sure to give you space to make decisions.

If you're going to meet someone, meet up on a more public space (like a mall, a restaurant or a park) for safety reasons.

I asked my mom to call me 1h30 into the date so that, in case it went bad, I could use it as an excuse to leave asap. It ended up not being necessary in my case, but you can ask someone of trust to do that to make you feel more relaxed.

Be aware that, if you're meeting in a public space, chances are that it can be a little bit crowded and it can be sensory overwhelming. I wasn't expecting that so it caught me off guard, however we were able to find a more secluded area to sit and talk while still being in public.

Prepare beforehand some questions and topics that can be enjoyable to the both of you to talk about in order to lessen the moments of silence (I did it, however I forgot a lot of them due to being sensory overwhelmed at the time).

You most likely will have to mask a little more on this first encounter, they'll probably try to sit a little closer to you and maintain a lot of eye contact (something that I wasn't prepared for and had a little bit of a hard time doing) so be aware of that as well.

SETTING BOUNDARIES:

The guy I went on a date with is a very touchy person. I am not. Specially with people that I don't know that well. So, even if he wasn't doing anything with malice or bad intentions, there were times where I had to comunicate that it felt a little too much for me.

Setting boundaries doesn't have to be weird or make anyone feel offended, it's a natural thing in all types of relationships and you can do it while still being casual and polite. You can always suggest something else that makes you feel more comfortable instead (for example "hey, I don't really like being hugged like that, how about we hold hands for now?") or reassure them that you're just letting them know that about you so that both of you can have a better time together.

When it comes to sharing about your diagnosis, it definitely has it's pros and cons. I didn't plan on telling him about mine initially cause I was a bit afraid of hearing unwanted ableist comments, maybe in the future or if the topic came up and it felt safe, I would do so. However it wasn't really necessary cause he able to tell lol.

In my case, by letting him know that I was feeling a bit anxious and that I was autistic it made the whole situation better. I felt more at peace and wasn't trying to hide this part of me anymore, he was very comprehensive about it and even adapted a few things like change the way he was seatted so that I wouldn't have to maintain direct eye contact with him anymore (yes, it was very cute !!!! and it made me soooo much more comfortable)

Still, if you choose not to share about it, it's completely valid and understandable.

It also can be a good thing to share about you not having that much experience on dates if you feel okay doing so. Since I clearly looked very anxious, it made him aware that it was a "me thing", and not something that he did wrong.

I think in most countries is not unusual to kiss on the first date, but you REALLY don't have any obligation to do anything that you're not comfortable doing. Since I had never kissed anyone before it was something that I was very anxious about, I said "not yet" initially but as I got more comfortable and made him aware of my lack of experience, I was okay with giving it a try.

OTHER THINGS:

A good thing to keep in mind is that a date is supposed to be enjoyable for the both of you. So don't be afraid to ask the person if they are comfortable, what you can do to make them more comfortable and make sure to talk it out to find a middle ground that works for the both of you. They'll probably feel just as grateful for this attitude as you would.

I think dates that you do stuff together (like go out to eat, go to a karaoke, take a pottery class together, visit a museum, etc) can ease the pressure of keep talking all the time. In opposition, dates that you mainly just have a conversation can be less overwhelming in general. It's good to have in mind what you think would fit your needs better.

Since it's something new, the situation as a whole will probably be a little out of your comfort zone. But try to enjoy it and take it as an opportunity to meet the other person and get to know them and, if you feel okay with it, to try some new stuff as well.

I know it can feel a little tricky to do this while masking, but be yourself !! This is an opportunity for you to get to know the other person better as well as an opportunity for them to get to know you. If things don't work out it's probably for the best, you don't have to force yourself to be someone you're not in order to fit somebody else's standards.

I was very lucky to have had a date with the person I did, he was genuinely a good person and I'm very grateful on how cute, respectful and understanding he was at all times. I hope he was also able to have a somewhat good experience!

Those were some of the things I was able to learn, I really don't think this is a situation of "one size fits all" but I hope it can be a little helpful to someone out there while adapting it to their own reality. ALSO, I cannot stress this enough, but if you're an adult like I am and never had these experiences, it doesn't mean anything bad about you. You're never "too old" to go through them and it's not bad to not have them at all.

[evilkitten3]

Hey! Ik it’s not anyones job to educate people and what not, but I’m genuinely wondering if you have any sources that are actually good that talk about NPD? See, I’ve grown up in a household with a mother who r e a l l y likes to say people are narcissists, as in not just the “god you’re such a narcissist” derogatory thing that folks do off the cuff unfortunately, but as in the genuine personality sense. She constantly lists off all these traits (which fun fact aside from a handful that are pretty coverall negative traits literally anyone could have I never have seen myself) so I genuinely just… don’t know what it’s supposed to mean and the times of tried looking into it the sources looked dubious at best and downright demonized the disorder at the worst. You seem very knowledgeable or at least positive towards it, so I was hoping you’d be able to point me in the right direction to make myself more educated on the matter. Thanks so much in advance, and in general for advocating so much for those groups that are so often stigmatized by others, it genuinely is something that means a lot

hm... off the top of my head, i can't think of any. but there are blogs geared towards supporting people with npd as well as blogs that spread information about it, and those very frequently have plenty of sources.

i wouldn't say i'm "very knowledgeable" about npd (or any cluster b pd), but i ended up learning a thing or two first when i started trying to find ways to help me understand and explain my own low empathy, which led to me stumbling upon the wiki page for aspd. i was a teenager at the time, i believe, and i'm fairly oblivious by nature (self-centered is probably a more accurate word to use, but only removed of negative connotations towards poor behavior - things about other people just. don't really occur to me. my therapist says i need to be more curious about people, and she's probably right).

but anyway, i ended up trying to learn more about cluster b pds and eventually came to learn about the stigma towards them (you'd think i would've been aware of that sooner, given how often those terms are used as insults, but again– kinda oblivious). i ended up making a few connections in my head (my version of "putting myself in their shoes", i guess - i can't really work out other people's feelings all that well, but if i replace whatever is being demonized with something i have (usually autism, since that's what makes the most sense to me), i can more or less figure out if Hey That's Bad or whatever), and ultimately the Autistic Moral Stubbornness Button was pushed.

my mom also does stuff like that, though to a significantly smaller degree than yours, but she's also pretty much accepted that i'm going to be anal about it whenever she does. not that she thinks people with cluster b are evil or whatever - she's just sorta like. "well this word predates the diagnosis, so it's not fair to tell people to stop using it". which i get in principle, but like if it's hurting people then i don't give two shits about whether it's fair or not. person > word

anyway, tldr: there's definitely blogs dedicated to spreading info (do NOT get all your info just from things tumblr users say tho - not about this specifically; in general don't do that), and many of them interact with and reblog from each other, so it's not hard to find more once you've found one. my go-to blog whenever i need to reblog npd positivity is @npdsafe, and i've found a few other good ones from following its blog.

edit: oh yeah and NEVER WORRY ABOUT ASKING ME THINGS! if i'm not comfortable giving a question or being asked something specifically, i'll just say so. it's not my job to educate, true, and i can't promise to be able to answer everything, but i firmly encourage everyone to ask me whatever they want.

[subukunojess]

SNJ's Yuletide 2023 Letter

Dear Yuletide Writer,

Hello!

From one busy writer to another, thank you for writing something for me whether I am your main assignment or an extra treat. Your hard work and time is appreciated. I will also do my best to write something for my person, I'm the type of person who loves anything that is given to me as long as you enjoy it and you have read my Do Not Wants. I hope this letter would serve as a guide.

Please forgive me since this is my first year attending such a gift exchange and I am unsure whether I will do it again next year; I would like to try it and see where it takes me. Before we begin, here are some things about me that might help you under the cut:

I am SubukuNoJess at Archive of Our Own (AO3). I am an autistic asexual currently studying for a Master's degree in Professional and Creative Writing. I write fluff/humor/dark fanfiction and I'm known to like obscure fandoms/monsters. Even in a fic exchange dedicated to the rare and obscure, I am most likely the odd one out again. Haha, we'll see! I dive into multiple fandoms and I am willing to try new things most of the time. If you want to know more about me, you can visit my AO3 or Tumblr page to get an idea of what I write about and like.

Speaking of trying new things, I usually go with the flow and if I come across something I do not like, I will stop and mostly say so. Due to this being a surprise exchange, here is a Do Not Want list that I hope would help:

General DNW's: No explicit smut/sex: With NSFW in general, I am more tolerant in writing than art. If I do read it, it's under certain conditions and moods. Having said that, I generally do not like reading graphically detailed scenes of the actual act or the body parts involved. If anything, I would prefer it if it fades to black or after the fact. No PWP/PWC: Concerning with above, I would like to add that for the NSFW sexual pieces I do like, it's usually because I like the writing, interactions, and the characters. Having said that, Porn Without Plot is not my cup of tea. I don't know if PWC is a term (please correct me if I'm wrong), but I mean it by Porn Without Character. I do not want to read smut for the sake of smut and in the rare chance that I actually do, I want to do so with characterization at least. No Sexual Assault/Rape. Instant turn off. Squick. No Non-Con or Dub-Con. No Pedophilia. No incest. No excessive gore or violence. I do not mind blood or violence, but I do not want too much of it.

Next, here are my general likes. I would like anything that you can come up with, but here are some ideas to get you started: Found Family Friendship Humor/Comedy Exploration of platonic and romantic relationships Intimacy & Emotions Fluff Dark Angst Headcanons Autistic Representation LGBTQ+ OCs, AUs, Reader-inserts, Canon-Divergence, etc. Anything Creative!

And here are some specific interests/kinks I have that are completely optional/bonus points! I put them separate just in case and I'll put some of myself out there: Giants, Tinies, Sizeshifters, Height Difference (G/T) Monsters Giant monsters Hivemind Possession/Hypnotism Monster/Human relationships (whether platonic or romantic) People getting Eaten/Vore (Whether it is used as horror/fear or safe/oral) Fusions (ala Steven Universe) Anything describing voice, especially if it's deep, low, loud or multiple at once

Finally, I want to go over my requests that I would like to propose for this year including the characters I have in mind, why I like the fandom, and some ideas:

Moana (2016) - Movie Where To Find It: Disney (DVD/Blu-Ray)/Disney Plus Characters I Have In Mind: Maui, Moana, and Tamatoa Must Haves: Any About the Fandom and Why I Like It: Moana has made a big impact on me in my adult life so far. As I started college and my place in the fandom/creative world changed drastically, it was that I watched Moana and fell in love with it. Moana is the Disney Princess I relate to the most, my mom adores the film, and I grew interested in one of the antagonists, Tamatoa. It was Tamatoa that I made an account on Tumblr and helped me create again. For a year or two, I've been active in the Moana community especially on the Tamatoa side of things. Currently I still am and I have wips in the back burner. Moana is the story about a girl who is the daughter of a chief in the island of Motunui. Taking place in Polynesia and the age of Wayfinding, Moana goes on a journey to find the demi-god of the wind and sea, Maui, and restore the Heart of Te Fiti while overcoming obstacles along the way. Ideas and Prompts: I pick Moana, Maui, and Tamatoa because I love those three so much. You can either have one of them, a combo of two, or all three. I do not mind which one you use. I like prequels, mid-scenes, sequels, what if's, etc. I like anything incorporating Polynesian mythology/folklore respectfully. Moana ideas: Her interacting with the Ocean and her people, becoming a chief, telling her adventure to the children, going on a journey with Pua the Pig and Heihei the Rooster, discovering a new island, becoming immortal Maui ideas: Maui shapeshifting for the first time, him and Mini Maui having an adventure, maybe a look at his feats (pulling up islands, lassoing the sun, etc.) that are well-known or not, shapeshifting into a completely different form not shown in the movie, him interacting with the humans Tamatoa ideas: How did Tamatoa get Maui's fish hook? How did he became the unspoken ruler of Lalotai, the realm of the monsters? Hunting with bioluminesence. Tamatoa interacting with other monsters. Giant Monster Rampage. Tamatoa/Reader fics. Human!Tamatoa. Tamatoa being bigger than canon (50 feet) like maybe 100 feet. Anything having to do with his voice and teeth. And his colors. Tamatoa in the modern world. An AU where Modern Human Tamatoa somehow transforms into his giant crab form like a werewolf thing. Moana and Maui ideas: The two reuniting and going on adventures together, sailing and hanging out Tamatoa and Maui ideas: Them meeting for the first time, their friendship/relationship before the events of the film, the scene where Maui cuts off one of Tamatoa's legs, them meeting post-film, and how do things go from there, Tamatoa hypnotizing Maui to do something (angst) Tamataoa and Moana ideas: They meet after the film and slow-burn reconciling, friendship bonding, Tamatoa hypnotizing Moana (not angst) Moana, Maui, and Tamatoa ideas: The two help Tamatoa get off his back, the three go on a journey/treasure hunt, the au where Tamatoa starts off small but grows bigger over time as he interacts with Moana and Maui on the surface, the three fighting a monstrous foe

Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King (Theater) Where to Find It: On National Tour, the Album on Spotify, what clips you find on YouTube Characters I Have In Mind: Lydia and Beetlejuice Must Haves: Lydia and/or Beetlejuice About the Fandom and Why I Like It: Inspired by the 80's film of the same name, Beetlejuice the Musical is a horror/comedy story of life and death when a mourning Lydia Deetz who moved to the Maitland house and thinks about death meets a demonic ghost named Beetlejuice who thinks about life and wants to be seen. I am surprised this made it on the tag list and I'm not going to question it. I love the music and the aesthetic of this. At first, I thought it was just some random thing I saw a commercial for, but I got obsessed with the album around 2019 and I managed to watch it at the Winter Garden theatre on January 7th 2020. The actors are amazing in their roles, the dynamics the characters have for each other make my day, and the themes really get to me. Ideas and Prompts: I thought about it and when I think of Beetlejuice, I think of the friendship/chaotic sibling energy that Lydia and Beetlejuice have. You can write about either of them or both. Lydia ideas: Anything with her and her mother Emily Deetz would be like. I headcanon that her middle name is Chrysanthemum, but that's optional. Anything post-musical. What are the new changes she has made with her new extended family? Does she go to school and make friends? I know that Worldbuilding was not nominated for this fandom, so this is completely optional, but I would love to see how Lydia thinks about Winter River, Connecticut through her eyes. Lydia bonding with Delia or the Maitlands. Lydia and Charles slowly healing from their trauma. Lydia has supernatural abilities! Beetlejuice ideas: What happened with Beetlejuice after the musical ended? Did he find his father? How does he reunite with the Deetz/Maitland family? Any headcanons/lore you have of him especially demon/ghost related. Favorite pairings with Beej: Beej/Adam/Barbara, Beetlejuice/Reader or OC, and in a different universe Beej/Emily/Charles. Beej interacting with his star namesake Betelgeuse. Beetlejuice's job of a guide to the recently deceased. Giant Beetlejuice, Giant Beetlejuice, Giant Beetlejuice. Lydia and Beetlejuice ideas: What happened between acts 1 and 2? How did Lydia survive three days without adult supervision in a haunted house? Lydia and Beetlejuice explore the town for supernatural discoveries. Beetlejuice being a big brother figure to Lydia. Neurodivergent headcanons. The two take over a holiday (whether Halloween, Christmas, or whatever!).

Little Shop of Horrors - Menken/Ashman (Theater) Where To Find It: Clips on YouTube, Off-Broadway Show in New York, and plenty of albums on Spotify Characters I Have In Mind: Audrey Fulquard, Audrey II, Mr. Mushnik, Seymour Krelborn Must Haves: Audrey II About the Fandom and Why I Like It: Little Shop of Horrors is a horror/comedy musical written by Alan Menken and Howard Ashman about a man named Seymour who discovers a strange and interesting plant he nicknames Audrey II who can talk, sing, and feeds on blood. The musical was based on the 1960s film "The Little Shop of Horrors", has a 1986 film version with different endings, and is currently Off-Broadway. Again, I am surprised that the musical and the movie are here, but I'm not going to question it. I decided to go with the play version of Little Shop since I think it doesn't get enough love like the movie. While I was a teenager, I remember seeing a crossover art with Oogie Boogie (Nightmare Before Christmas) shaped like Audrey II and I got curious. Ever since then, I have become obsessed with Little Shop of Horrors. I go flowing into the fandom when the mood hits. I love the songs and characters, especially the plant so much. I have introduced my friends to Little Shop in the past and it makes me smile to this day. Ideas and Prompts: For this fandom, this is going to be one of my advanced requests. My requirement is that Audrey II, the man-eating plant must be in the piece. Whether by themselves or with any character of your choice. You can have Audrey, Seymour, Mushnik, a combination, or all three as well, but Twoey must be present in the fic. As for general random ideas to inspire: Audrey II as a species and their home planet. Human or Gijinka Audrey II. Audrey II crossbred with another plant/flower of your choice. A creative new outlook for Audrey II based on different play versions (Twoey having multiple heads, Twoey being a different carnivorous plant, hivemind Audrey II, Twoey's voice being the last person they consumed, etc.). Audrey II having hypnotism/siren-like powers. What does the plant apocalypse look like? Rampage. Giant Audrey II. Giant Audrey II. Giant Audrey II. Twoey interacts with humans in different stages of life. Twoey bonding with either Seymour, Audrey, or Mr. Mushnik. Twoey discovering human music. Audrey II in a modern AU/setting. Any Twoey/Reader. Anything else is fair game.

Disney Dreamlight Valley (Video Game) Where To Find It: Switch, PC, and other Game Consoles as well as Playthroughs on YouTube Characters I Have In Mind: Player Character, The Forgotten Must Haves: Player and Forgotten About the Fandom and Why I Like It: There's just something about cozy games where you meet and live next door to your favorite Disney characters that just get to me. When I got my Switch this year, I immediately wanted to get Disney Dreamlight Valley and I am so glad I did. This magic decorating, fishing, and cooking game has you as a Dreaming Ruler who wakes up in a mysterious valley overrun with Night Thorns and beloved Disney Characters such as Merlin, Mickey Mouse, Donald, and Goofy living together, but slowly forgetting their memories. As you go restoring the village and getting new villagers along the way, you uncover secrets and memories that shake your core and have you reminiscing… and that's just the first act. Ideas and Prompts: For this request, you must use a version of the player character and the Forgotten. I did not sign up for worldbuilding because I'm more interested in character development and relationships. Please note that the Forgotten does have feelings of anxiety, depression, and negativity but by the end is slowly recovering. So definite angst and hurt/comfort here. I do love the notion of the Forgotten being the child side of the player character. The one who has teenage angst and has a realistic point of view of the world, but feels alone and forgotten about. For the angst side of things, you could focus on how the Forgotten feels about being betrayed and ignored as well as how they feel about the player character prior to the game. For fluff/humor/comfort, you can have the Player trying their best to make the Forgotten comfortable. Maybe they go on a picnic or they go treasure hunting together or they stay indoors and read books. Or they help the villagers together. Since this is a Disney game, you can put whatever Disney references/cameos you would like. It's entirely optional for you. Bonus option: I associate the Forgotten with the song "Once Upon A December" from the animated Anastasia film. Since this is Yuletide, I thought it would fit but again, optional for you.

Mario + Rabbids Series (Video Games) Where To Find It: Nintendo Switch and Gameplay on YouTube Characters I Have In Mind: Beep-0, Phantom of the Bwahpera, Rabbid Mario, and Rabbi Must Haves: Phantom of the Bwahpera/Tom Phan About the Fandom and Why I Like It: Honestly, I do not know how I got hyperfixated with this fandom until recently. This series is somewhat of a crossover that stands alone, combining the world of the Mushroom Kingdom (Mario) with chaotic characters known as the Rabbids. It resulted in a new and funny combo of the Mario characters interacting with Rabbid versions of themselves first in Kingdom Battle, and then four new original adventures with the sequel Sparks of Hope and the three DLCs. At first, I was neutral about this. I liked Mario first and I didn't know what to think about the Rabbids since I did not grow up with them. I just knew they existed. It wasn't until one of the boss fights that I took interest and that's the Phantom of the Bwahpera. I love the music, the concept of a giant ghost rabbid with a phonograph in his body, and the voice. At first, I thought it was a one-time interest. I could see how some of my friends were fans of the character and I enjoyed how in Sparks of Hope, the Rabbids not only had voices and personalities, but a brand new story and characters. It came and went… until last month when the third DLC came out: Rayman in the Phantom Show. And I am currently obsessed with this. I love love love the dynamic between the five main cast of characters: Rayman, Rabbid Mario, Rabbid Peach, Beep-0, and the Phantom as they run the Space Opera Network together. Unfortunately, I could only nominate four characters I do not know if Rayman would be allowed, so you get the other four to work with. Ideas and Prompts: This is my other advanced request. You can use any character you would like (Rabbid Mario, Rabbid Peach, Beep-0, or any combo), however, The Phantom of the Bwahpera must be in the fic. He's one of my villain blorbo's and he's only in three fics on AO3 so far. Here are some random suggestions: What happened with the Phantom after Spooky Trails? Did he turn it into a theater? How did he get started traveling across the galaxy? Pairings that I like with Phantom: Phantom/Woodrow, Phantom/OC, Phantom/Reader. What happened between Phantom and Bea? Phantom partakes in different music genres and how that genre gives him new powers. During a time when he lost his voice, what did he do to fix it? How did he heal? Did he study sign language to communicate? How did he meet with the Space Opera Network? Phantom roasts your favorite character! And how do they react? Phantom actually wins and takes over, having ultimate power. What would that be like? Phantom uses sound powers, including luring people/Rabbids to their doom. Phantom interacting with his own acting troupe. Chaotic adventures of the Phantom filming a scene with Rabbid Mario and Rabbid Peach. The Phantom and Beep-0 teasing each other. Oh no! Either Rabbid Mario or Rabbid Peach used Mayhem the Spark to hypnotize the Phantom. What will he do? Giant Phantom, Giant Phantom, Giant Phantom. A battle scene with the Phantom. Phantom duets with the love interest.

Sackboy: A Big Adventure (Video Game) Where To Find It: Playstation 4 and 5, Microsoft Windows, and Gameplay on YouTube Characters I Have In Mind: Sackboy, Scarlet, and Vex Must Haves: Any About the Fandom and Why I Like It: Sackboy: A Big Adventure is a stand-alone Little Big Planet game about Sackboy trying to save the Imagisphere from a chaotic being named Vex from taking it over using the Uproar. Sackboy is guided by a Knitted Knight named Scarlet during this quest. This was another instance where I saw the villain first on a random post and immediately obsessed over the game after I looked it up. I love the art style, gameplay, and the voice-acting. I got it for myself on the PS4 and I suck at it, but luckily, my brother plays with me sometimes and I get through the levels. Ideas and Prompts: For this, you can choose any character and combination for the piece. I would love to read a piece with any of them and I'll be happy. Here are some random ideas: What are the Knitted Knights like? Did Scarlet and Vex meet in the past? Scarlet and Sackboy found family! Sackboy interacting with other knights (Co-Op) or the people of his village. Intense interactions between Sackboy and Vex. Giant Vex, Giant Vex, Giant Vex. I do like Vex/Reader fics. Vex taking Sackboy in as an apprentice. Sackboy trying to stay alive. Sackboy trying on different outfits and becoming comfortable with his new look.

I hope this all helps somehow. Thank you and happy writing!

SNJ

[knotmagickstudios]

ADHD/Autism Diagnosis as an adult, part 4

Part 3 can be found here.

In part 1 I talked a little about the challenges I faced in even considering a diagnosis back in Ohio, largely (but not limited to) my family. To recap, they have some pretty toxic ideas on just about everything, but especially things like mental health, "the youths are overmedicated," "No one knows how to handle their problems anymore. Why can't Millennials just *deal with it*?" etc, etc, etc, until I am physically pounding my head against a wall.

One thing that makes this attitude even more toxic is the family business: Emergency services. Yup, that's right. I can list at least 10 family members off the top of my head who are or have worked as: Paramedics, EMTs, firefighters, or dispatchers. So these are people who have some kind of medical background (In most cases, firefighters are also required to train as EMTs or paramedics, because there's usually more demand for treating heart attacks than for putting out fires. An EMT is to a paramedic what a nurse is to a GP, essentially).

Anyway. I called my mom tonight to tell her I'm autistic.

There was a looooong silence, followed by "What?!" Not in an angry way. I'm pretty sure the silence was her scraping herself off the floor in total shock.

Now, let me make one thing clear. My mom is a very smart woman. However, she's been incredibly isolated for the past 40 years because she's disabled and my dad is emotional abusive, so he basically moved her out to the middle of nowhere and then left her there back in the Days Before Internet. No car, no bus, no sidewalks, nothing for 15 miles in any direction except cows. We couldn't even go to the library.

So when she started referring to her only experience with autism as being part of "MRDD"....I'm like, okay. We need to back up here because she hasn't updated her info since 1985. (For you younglings, MRDD was what they called it before it was "special ed," which was waaay before things like Individual Education Plans or whatever they are using now. Most kids who got labeled MRDD usually didn't have meds that could help them at that point in time, and a lot of them ended up institutionalized because their parents and their doctors didn't know how to cope with them.)

"You're probably picturing a kid having a tantrum, or a little boy who doesn't talk and is obsessed with trains, right?"

"Well, kind of..."

So I explained to her that autism impacts 2 main parts of life: sensory processing, and communication. Things that are annoying but tolerable for a "normal" person, like the tag on the back of a shirt, or the seam on a pair of socks, or a loud grocery store, are completely unbearable for an autistic person, to the point of scratching the skin off the back of their neck where that tag is, or having that meltdown at the grocery store because they just can't take the bright lights and the noise and the smells.

The second part, communication, is about both how we understand communication from others, and also how we express ourselves.

As I started describing the literal understanding of different statements, taking them at face value. I hated obvious questions like "What are you doing?" when I was clearly reading a book or something. It didn't occur to me that it was an attempt to interact and participate in what I was doing.

And then I started telling her about how we express ourselves, and the way I often don't have a lot of facial expressions, or would cry uncontrollably at the drop of a hat because of something mildly upsetting as a kid, and things started to click for her. I explained about masking, and how I masked super hard as a kid because I was afraid people would think I was different, and other kids already thought I was weird.

She asked what I felt about the diagnosis, and what I hoped to gain from it. I told her that I wasn't surprised, but it was validating. I've been looking into this possibility for 5 years. I've already adopted a lot of the same coping mechanisms as other autistics I know because I would hear that they struggled with something, so they did X, and because I struggled with the same thing I would try X to see if it worked and lo and behold, it did. Most of what I'm hoping to gain from this is the ability to get accommodations in the work place, like a quieter space to do my job or the possibility of working from home.*

We had a really good conversation, and in the end she said she needed to do more research since she clearly had the wrong idea. She asked me for recommendations, and I told her to read Aspergirls and anything by Temple Grandin, which I know she has access to through her library (thank Thoth for ebook loans and the internet, is all I'm saying).

If we'd had this conversation even a year ago, I know it would have been a lot different. Back then she was still with my dad, who kept her isolated and was 98% of the reason I masked like a Scooby-Doo villain from the time I was three. If I'd had a diagnosis then, I wouldn't have said anything because all it would lead to is judgment and disdain. But, since she left him I feel like I have my mom back--the open-minded person who explained gay marriage to me when I was 5, back when my only question was "But who gets to wear the dress?"

I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a parent like my mom. Like as not, you probably have one or more relatives like my dad. I hope that, no matter what age you are, that you have a family member you can tell, who will see this as a thing to celebrate and embrace, not something that should be feared or ridiculed. You do not need to be locked away. You don't need to be "fixed," or hide who you are. I hope that you have someone who loves you and supports you, and gives you what you need, even if they don't quite understand why you need it yet.

You are wonderful and exactly as you should be.

And I wish more of us had heard that when we were children.

* In Ohio, this wouldn't have been possible. Even if I managed to jump through the hoops to get the diagnosis, sharing it with an employer would be a recipe for unemployment. Of course, I wouldn't get fired for being autistic or disabled or something. Oh no. I would just get put at the top of the layoff list, or get fired for something like insubordination, or not meeting insane productivity goals, or something like that. They would say that accommodations were "too hard" or "too expensive" or "unfair to other employees."

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

Undiagnosed Autism-spectrum disorder in The Michells Vs The Machines

I'm sure that more well educated people have put two and two together in this film but I really, really want to put my own spin on it from my experience. For me, as an aspie, film is one of my biggest interests. I love studying and more than anything I love watching and rewatching films. My latest favorite movie was one that I just watched last night for my family movie night, The Michells Vs The Machines. I also went 17 years of my life asking myself the same question that both Rick and his daughter ask each other, what is wrong with him/her?

Well, I'll tell you, in my firmly undiagnosed autistic opinion for far too long, that this family is full of people with undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder. When I was watching it with my parents my mom made the comment that "the dad was a jerk" and maybe "he just didn't love his daughter enough to let her be her own person." I thought that was so not seeing the bigger picture even though it was only fifteen minutes into the film. I have felt like Katie so much with my own dad. My dad is a computer nerd and a physics major for those of you that don't talk to me very often. That means in laminas terms that he's extremely smart. Way smarter than I will ever be in my entire life. Both of my parents are insanely smart in their own rights. My mom is a CPA accountant. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about here. I want to discuss the effect of undiagnosed autism and what it can do to a whole family when they all have it and just don't know that they do. This will probably go on for quite some time so you may stop here or read below the cut because this also has the probablity of getting super, duper personal.

We'll start with Katie! To me, Katie is one of the most relatable characters that I have ever come across. She's a film nerd, which alone has made her supremely relatable as somebody who is thinking about going into a degree in film studies. I am more of a critic of film than somebody who wants to make her own film but nonetheless, there were SO many little moments that I related to. The first thing that I personally noticed and related to was the stimming technique that Katie has. She chews on her hoodie strings. As somebody who has chewed on the drawstrings of hoodies far too often long before I was officially put into the Aspergers box. Aspies are also known to stick with one "special interest" for the rest of their lives if it's one that is wide enough and varied enough to make it applicable. For Katie, that's film. For me that's animation. I appreciated that little detail of most of her dialogue being references to other films because as a lover of films and movies in general I could go for days on just fumes and movie references that nobody else understands. The little things from her hair being perpetually messy (same that's a whole ass mood like I just learned over quarantine how to tye my own hair back), only having one earring in her ear at all times, the way that she dresses and draws on her own hands, this was just me when I was first in high school. I was one of the few people that wore shorts underneath all my skirts/dresses. Everyone who knew about looked at me like I had grown a third eyeball.

Aaron, the younger brother, also just oozes spectrum lil buddy out of his every pore from his being. I do think that they should have picked somebody capable of doing a bit of a younger sounding voice (I know what they were going for, but like Ben Schwartz has become a huge deal in both voice acting and live action before switching mediums.) His special interest is actually quite a common one, he loves dinosaurs. I've met a bunch of people on the spectrum that are fascinated by dinos and what they meant for the world as well as the universe as a whole. To me, there was one scene specifically that was the scene where Katie was lightly teasing him when they were going to the half assed dinosaur extravaganza. For me, this was SO relatable because both of my parents will mess with me about my interests most of the time it's when we go to Disneyland, they'll tell me that we actually aren't going to land of magic but to Timbuckto (hopefully one day they'll say some place else just to switch things up.) I related so hard to Aaron's protesting and whining in this scene since that is always my reaction to doing something that I want to do but get told that I can't do that thing.

Linda is more of your traditional mom but I think that she's on the spectrum as well. Just a more... normalized version as opposed to her family. She's able to be a teacher, she's able to interact somewhat normally around her neighbors. If anything, she reminded me of my own mom. This independent, takes nobody's trash (especially not her husband's), strong minded, and amazing mother who is completely in control of everything. She knows the special interests of her children and is constantly thinking of what will make them happy. Whether it be taking a detour for something dinosaur related, reminding her daughter that her dad loves her no matter what, and even something as simple as watching something that her daughter made and put her heart and soul into. I can't tell you how many times my mom has watched something with me. She watched my first anime Soul Eater with me when I was 12 and ever since then has been trying to get me to watch other shows with her. She's a lot like Linda, your loving, but firm mother who just wants her family to work things out.

Whew boy. This one is going to be probably where I cry. Comparing my dad to Rick is... something that I did consistently when I was watching the film. He's the strong but silent type usually, unless your me and he's just this constant annoyance when I'm trying to do something. He could be seen as just a "Jerk" but I think that is the undiagnosed aspie talking. Rick and Katie just struggle so hard to see eye to eye because their special interests can't intersect to save their lives. This, this hurt me because so often I struggle to relate to my dad. Especially when he talks to me about computers or physics. Now I took physics but without having been in quarantine and having him as my live in tutor I would have failed, not gotten an A. This has resulted me in saying things that I don't mean in the heat of the moment when we do argue. It doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to back when I was in middle school but when it happened it was because of one thing. I lied. I used to lie a lot because I felt so unworthy of being his daughter because on my best days I am not technically smart. You want to know how many nations of the world there were in 1991 when the original Animaniacs was airing? You want to hear my Dot Warner impression? Did you ever wonder how to recognize a specific voice when your watching anime? Have you ever had to watch a panel of your favorite anime voice actor just to laugh at something? No, well I did. But ever since I have started taking a quarter off from community college I have realized something. I am not technically smart. I struggle at learning the rules for math. My dad can do this with his eyes closed but me, I struggle and look like a complete moron. It took years for my dad and I to see eye to eye. Sometimes I still wonder if I was the product of some laboratory experiment of what would happen if two intelligent people came together, fell in love, and expecting that the daughter was smart I was the reject. Watching this movie with my dad I saw so much of my relationship with him on the screen. Struggling to relate to one another, fighting and getting into arguments about petty things, and not being able to be in the same room as one another without heated words because I didn't get him.

The scene that I related to the most when it was in terms of how much Katie just doesn't understand her dad was after he was nabbed by the machines. When Aaron asked her why she said those things to their dad and her simple answer was "I don't know." This. This right here was when I saw me. So many times I've gotten into heated arguments with my dad when he has simply annoyed me at the wrong time and I've just blown up in his face. Then I regret my actions and not know how to apologize for losing my temper with him because "I don't know" just doesn't seem like a nearly acceptable answer. I felt this in my soul because it happened especially often before I was diagnosed.

When I was diagnosed, things started to get better with my dad and I. We haven't had a fight in nearly four years now. He watches cartoons with me now to try and relate to me, it's mostly Pinky and The Brain but it's more than I could have ever asked for. I love my dad so much, more than anything in the entire world. This movie is so, so good at telling a story about how a family of undiagnosed aspie's and people on the spectrum struggle to relate to one another because their special interests are different.

Special interests and family's are especially difficult and I applaud this movie so loud because of the way that it was able to treat the subject matter with integrity and honesty. I'm sorry if this analysis got a little bit long in the toof but thank you for sticking with me! I really hope that if you watched the film you loved my analysis.