#since i'd have to restart from the very start if i picked the wrong one 😭

[lovearion]

currently playing the passenger but i have to stop playing for hours everytime a choice comes up on screen because of my overthinking ass 😭

[ratralsis]

It's the Same Damn Moon, Bud

I can't believe it's been over three weeks since I said I wanted to put some pressure on myself to write about "Slay the Princess," and I didn't do it. I just didn't write!

Instead, I wrote many thousands of words of my actual novel and also spent more than a hundred hours converting dozens of files from one programming language to another for my actual job, which, in case I haven't reminded you in the last few entries (I PROBABLY HAVE, THOUGH), is "computer programmer for large and faceless company you've probably never heard of and have almost certainly been affected by and we like it that way."

So, now, I'd like to write about it. It's been a while since I even played it! I'm going off of memory here, which is one of my favorite ways to write.

Slay the Princess is a visual novel that uses Ren'Py as its engine. It's creaky and not terribly well put-together, but I love it anyway, because that's the kind of gamer I am. I enjoy seeing people do strange and interesting things with engines like Ren'Py, and this is a game that absolutely does that. I imagine that its code is a mess of true/false flags that determine what dialogue appears and what options you can choose at any given point. It's part of who I am, as a computer programmer. I love imagining how things are coded.

When the game starts, you don't have to follow the title directive, that is, you don't have to go slay the princess. You can walk away. You can, in fact, continue walking away over and over until the game ends. There are achievements for it and everything. There are achievements for everything else, too. I normally don't like achievements like these in games. I like them in this game.

What bothers me about achievements in a lot of games is that I just want to play the damn game and be left alone. I want to explore. I want to see things on my own, and sometimes that means missing things. It actually means missing things quite often. I'm okay with that. I believe that everyone should have their own unique experiences when it comes to video games. It is one of the things that makes video games unique.

Recently, Super Mario RPG was re-released on Switch, and several podcasts I listen to covered it. Invariably, the first question asked by one host to the others was "What party are you using?" They all discussed how they played the game as individuals. I love that, even though I think they all made the wrong choice (everybody picks Bowser over Geno, which is simply objectively the wrong choice: Bowser can't use Geno Boost, the best goddamn ability in the game, and his attack power isn't even as high as everyone thinks it is). The fact is, that freedom to choose is what makes games special. Your choices matter. They mean something.

They mean everything.

They are the only thing that means anything.

When I played the demo of Slay the Princess roughly a thousand million years ago, I got every achievement. All the achievements were related to which Chapter 2 I saw. The choices made in Chapter 1 determine how Chapter 2 begins. That makes sense. By replaying and seeing them all, I got a sense of what kind of a game Slay the Princess is.

If you haven't played the demo, but you have played the game, then don't go back to play the demo. It's alright.

If you haven't played the demo or the game, you should probably play the demo. It's very good.

The demo ends very early in Chapter 2. You meet the Princess again, and see what has become of her, and the game ends. Or, really, it restarts. Your choices in Chapter 1 shape who she becomes. Who she is. How she greets you. If you killed her in Chapter 1, she might show up as a ghost in Chapter 2, with an X-shaped scar on her chest from where you plunged your pristine blade into her and pierced her. If she killed you, she might show up as a giant, a monster, physically imposing and powerful and ready to do it again. If you were kind to her, and did everything you could to avoid harming her, then you'll see one of two Princesses in Chapter 2: the Damsel or the Prisoner. My favorite ending of the demo was the Prisoner.

To see the Prisoner, you have to take the pristine blade when you see it in the cabin. You have to listen to the Narrator, who tells you that you have to kill her. You have to go into the basement of the cabin with the pristine blade in your hand. It doesn't matter what you say to the Princess as you descend the stairs. Of course it matters. All of it matters.

What matters more is that you mustn't actually attack the Princess. You must drop the pristine blade and speak to her. She'll speak to you. You can ask her questions, if you want. It doesn't matter, except for the fact that everything you do matters. You can ask her for name. She won't tell it to you. She is simply the Princess. You have to tell her that you don't want to kill her. That you want to rescue her. She's shackled to the wall by her wrist. She tries to gnaw off her arm like a feral wolf in a trap. You have to free her. You use the pristine blade and sever her arm. Good job, hero. She's free. You have to resist the pull of the story's Narrator and warn her that you're being forced to kill her against your will.

She'll take the pristine blade away from you, and, with her remaining hand, cut your throat, killing you.

Chapter 2 begins much like Chapter 1, except now there's an additional voice in your head joining the Narrator and the Hero: the Skeptic. You return to the cabin. The Skeptic forces you to take the pristine blade before you descend into the basement of this new cabin. It's not like the old one. It's fortified. It's solid. There's no escaping this one, and there's no escape for the Princess, either: she now has three chains attaching her to the wall. There's one for a shackle around each of her wrists, and a third iron ring around her neck. Your previous plan won't work this time. You won't be cutting her free.

I loved the Prisoner when I played the demo. She was my favorite. I liked seeing the Skeptic. I liked the idea of approaching the Princess with caution and deciding that I liked her more than the Narrator. That I didn't want to hurt her, but only after I made it clear to her that hurting her was an option. It was a fun story: two people who don't trust each other learning that they can. Then the world conspired to make sure that they couldn't try the same trick twice.

To say I was a bit disappointed by how this turned out in the final version of the game would be… well, it would be exactly right. I was a bit disappointed, but just a bit.

The Princess has a plan to escape, and it's the same plan she had the first time. She won't trust YOU with the pristine blade, so you have to give it to her. If you don't, she beats you up. This is a recurring theme in the game: the Princess beats you up in most of the paths. It's kind of sad, in a way, just how poorly you do in physical confrontations against the Princess, but I suspect that if the game had it the other way around that it would be even sadder. Can you imagine how pathetic a character she would seem if you could just slap her around at your leisure? And how pathetic a character you would be, too, for that matter?

If you trust her with the pristine blade, she will use it to cut through her own neck. This, as you might imagine, causes her to die, and her head hangs on a thin strip of flesh before gravity tears the strip and her lifeless head falls to the floor. But she asked you to take the head with you when you leave the cabin, so that's what I did. I trusted her, and she trusted me, to an extent, and now she was dead. Whatever she had planned, I would go along with it. And so, carrying her corpse's head by its long, beautiful hair, I left the cabin, and she revealed that she was actually still alive, and able to speak, and she thanked me, and then the world ended.

That's what the Narrator said would happen if I didn't slay the Princess, and I had not, in fact, slain the Princess. The Narrator was right. The world ended. Ghostly hands appeared from nowhere and they took her head away, and I saw myself in a mirror, and the voices of the Narrator and the Hero and the Skeptic fell away and I was left in the void at the end of the world with those magical hands puppeting the corpse of the headless Princess I had just saved, the one I had spent a hundred million years wondering about, wondering who she really was, what her real name was, how she was meant to end the world. Here she was, dead and possessed and confused and doing her best to give me the answers and not yet able. But she would be, if I kept going. If I started over. If I went back to Chapter 1, with no knowledge of what I had just done, and tried again, tried something different, because I would be forced to try something different, so that I could bring a new vessel to this Princess made of hands in the void at the end of the world.

What else could I do?

The game opens with this message:

Whatever horrors you find these dark spaces, have heart and see them through.

There are no premature endings. There are no wrong decisions.

There are only fresh perspectives and new beginnings.

This is a love story.

And it's true. There are no wrong decisions.

In fact, none of the decisions you make matter at all, except for all of them, and they are the only things that do.

And I did, in fact, love the Princess, and I wanted to know her better, the way one might love a statue, or a painting, or a god, and wish to know it better.

So back into the cabin I went, at the start of Chapter 1. I couldn't make the same decisions this time around. The game would not let me. So I chose a new Chapter 2 this time: the Tower.

I'll spare you the details of each choice I made. All of them mattered, but I'll tell you a secret. I'll tell you something that I've not seen a single write-up of Slay the Princess tell me, and I sincerely believe that it's the most important thing of them all: I keep saying all of your choices matter. And that's true: they do.

But they only matter to you.

My choices, the ones that I made, only matter to me.

The fact that I sent the Prisoner to the Princess made of hands first matters only to me.

The fact that I sent the Tower to the Princess made of hands second matters only to me.

The fact that I sent the Damsel to the Princess made of hands third matters only to me.

The fact that I sent the Fury to the Princess made of hands fourth matters only to me.

The fact that I sent the Witch to the Princess made of hands fifth matters only to me.

It is the only thing that matters when one plays Slay the Princess. What do you do? What do you choose? Who are you, to the Princess? Who are you, to yourself? This doesn't matter to anyone else. Nobody else will ever, ever care.

Even the Princess doesn't care. The Princess made of hands will finally gain enough knowledge after the fifth vessel brought to her to regain her full consciousness, and you will have an opportunity to speak with the Narrator a final time before you meet her. He will answer some of your questions.

So will she, each time you see her.

I won't bore you with the details.

What matters is that the Princess, as we all suspected, those of us who played the demo, and who played it dozens of times to see everything we could, is indeed a Lovecraftian cosmic horror. She contains multitudes. She contains all the vessels we gave to her and more. She is all of them. She is change incarnate: the Shifting Mound is her name. She was never a Princess, but that's how you saw her. You saw a Princess before, but now she is a goddess capable of destroying universes, and she wants you to join her, to take her many hands and end this world just like the Narrator said she would.

You have choices here, of course, just as you had them every other step of the way. None of them matter any more or any less than any other choice you've made. What did you ask the Narrator when you had the chance? It doesn't matter. What vessels did you bring to the Shifting Mound? Doesn't matter. You'll reach this point no matter what you chose, unless you ended the game early. Here you are, and here she is, and now you have a new set of choices.

I didn't want to kill her.

I didn't want to destroy the universe.

So I didn't.

I went back to the cabin, one last time, along with the voice of the Hero. The Narrator was gone, but I was there, and the voice of the Hero was there, and the pristine blade was there. I chose not to take it.

The princess greeted me as I made my way down the stairs for the final time. "And there you are," She said. "Hands empty. So you don't feel like reacreating our first meeting detail for detail. I wonder what else will be different."

She misspelled the word "recreating." That bothered me. I wonder if it was ever fixed. I saw several updates saying that typos were fixed, but I haven't checked this one in a while.

I learned later that this can be different if you didn't take the pristine blade with you when you first met her the first time you played through Chapter 1, but it doesn't matter any more than anything else.

I told her I didn't want to be a god, and she said she didn't, either. I asked her to leave the cabin with me, and she agreed.

I told her I loved her.

She was embarrassed, and said she loved me, too, but didn't want to be all sappy about it.

We left the cabin.

The game ended.

I was told that my unique path through the game would be represented by "Our Song," and here it is.

And none of this, none of it, matters, except to me, and to me, it's the only thing that does.

The game has a lot of achievements. I mentioned that before. No matter what you do, you'll unlock achievements. If you meet the Witch in Chapter 2, you can gain enough of her trust to get her to agree to climb the stairs out of the cabin with you. You can let her go first and stab her in the back, or you can go first and she'll stab you in the back. These choices are mutually exclusive, and each have their own achievement. This encourages you to see everything. To see how much and how little each choice you make matters. To encourage you to keep replaying the game, to get your perfect "Our Song," to see all of her forms and her shapes and how you can shape her, and that is what you do with your choices.

The Princess, the vessel for the Shifting Mound, is a reactive creature. You are the only thing in the game world that makes choices. She will always react to you coming down the stairs with the pristine blade with the same dialogue each time you do so. It's mechanical. It's a computer program. There's nothing random about it. There are no ghosts in this machine: she is only a machine. Your choices are all that matter, even though none of them do. You will, no matter what you choose, eventually reach a point where the world ends and the hands of the Shifting Mound appear from nowhere to claim a new vessel. Sometimes the vessel is nothing more than a heart, cut out from a body made of metal blades. Sometimes the vessel is so large that all you can see is the giant head, hands of the Shifting Mount covering its eyes. Sometimes the vessel is a head and torn-open torso without a heart at all, and sometimes the vessel is a beast, a six-legged lion, a ghost, or a rotted skeleton.

It doesn't matter. The Shifting Mound does not care.

Some of her dialogue does change, it turns out. The first couple of times you see the Shifting Mound, her dialogue is always the same, but if the vessels liked you, or made it outside, then some of the Shifting Mound's dialogue is more positive. If they didn't like you, if you were always hostile and cruel, then some of her dialogue is more negative about the world outside. It's subtle, but it's true. I can prove it. I've seen it.

But nothing will change the fact that, after the fifth vessel is taken, you will face off with the Narrator and then with the Shifting Mound, and then you have to make your choices. How does the game end? Do you end the universe with her? Do you kill her, once and for all? Do you leave the cabin with her for an unknown world where neither of you are gods? Do you kill her in the cabin and start the entire cycle over once again, either kicking the can down the road or, perhaps, perpetuating a cycle that's always been happening and always will?

No matter what you choose, you will find a page that tells you "Our Song." And it will be yours, and yours alone, and it will matter only to you.

According to deeply-flawed website Goodreads.com, the sex-and-alcohol-loving Buddhist monk Ikkyu once said that "Many paths lead from the foot of the mountain, but at the peak we all gaze at the single bright moon." In other words, just because the ending is the same, everyone can take their own path to get there.

You won't see that in a movie, or in a novel. You might think you're being clever by saying "What about Choose Your Own Adventure novels?", but fuck you, those are just single-player games, and so is Slay the Princess. It's a single-player game, and it has the same final screens no matter what you do, except for the fact that we all took a different path there.

Statistically, given enough players, I'm sure that someone else has or will get to the ending the same way that I first did. And that's okay. Ikkyu didn't say that everybody was unique, and neither shall I.

All I'll say, and what I think Slay the Princess is saying, even if the writers didn't mean for it to, is that your choices matter, even if they don't seem like they do. Even if they don't matter to anyone else.

So choose carefully. It all matters.

[sainadazai]

When your crush is angry all the time

Ch.4

I wanna be an intern too, you ragedy ann looking ass hoe 😠



Y/n pov

°•○●○•°•○●○•°

All goes well when you are ignorant is what my dear best friend would say to me now, as I sit in the very back of the class unfocused on how our teacher is introducing an activity I have no chance of participating in. All I knew was that when Mr. Aizawa walked up to the board and wrote names of people getting offers, I wasn't one of them. Not that I expected to be, considering I wasn't in the sports festival, let alone the school at all back then. 

However, I did notice a small inconsistency in the order of the most offers. I was pretty sure that boom boom had gotten first place in the festival, him being there is what convinced me to transfer, but his name was actually second on the board. 

Todoroki had taken the place of first as far as offers were concerned. Todoroki the nice boy who I used to meet when I snuck away from my fucking prison cell. Call me privileged for complaining about living in a mansion All my life, but I much prefer being here. With common folk. They ground me. 

I peeked up from my phone at the red and white head of hair in front of me, he didn't seem all that fazed. Although maybe it was just the lack of seeing his face that made me believe he couldn't care less about all but one of those offers. Still, his business is his, and my business is the new Ao3 update on my favorite chrollo lucilfer fanfiction. What a babe. 

I decided that the class as of right now would be of no importance to me, considering I will have no offers, and bakugou-the reason I came here- hates me like I'm a piece of gum stuck under his shoe.  Through that conclusion I allowed myself to dissolve into the world of hxh and forget about how boring this world is. 

Could my power beat Killua or go in a fight? I mean, it doesn't enhance my strength like they did trying to get into Killua's house so physically they must be stronger. 

"Y/n! Is there something you would like to share with the class?"

Mr.Aizawas voice seemed almost shot at me as my gaze rose from my phone in my lap to meet him at the front of the room. He looked displeased to say the least. Well good for him, im displeased too, I might not be able to beat a fucking twelve year old in combat. 

"Huh?"

"You were grumbling, what's so important you had to tell us, hm?"

I thought it through for a second- just kidding, I never think anything through. 

"Oh, well I wasn't sure if I could beat Gon in a fight, but I'm not coming to the realization that if Chrollo is my boyfriend, I shouldn't have to fight anyone at all. I can just be a pretty face in the backgrounds and then after he wins for me i'll suck his-"

"Enough, y/n." Mr.Aizawa no longer held a tired looking face, his eyes were wide and an uncomfortable cringed was set on his face. As I peered at the rest of the class many also had shocked eyes, but unlike our teacher, held faint blushes. 

Minus midoriya, his face was completely red and his eyes void of life. I must've killed him, huh. 

"Wait!"

In an attempt to regain some dignity, I tried to correct myself.

"I would....not suck his-?"

"Don't even say it, shitty princess !"

"Woah bakugou, you spoke to me on purpose!?"

"Shut up!"

"Hey, how come you call me princess, you like me or something?"

He growled at that, neither of us paying mind to the fact that everyone in the class was either dead from nosebleeds or extremely uncomfortable and staring at us.  

"Its cuz you act fucking entitled like a princess"

"I'll be your pillow princes-"

"Enough!" A robotic-like hand sliced the air in front of me. The voice sounded firm, almost more teacher-like than our teacher's voice. I followed my gaze up the hand, not failing to notice how as I drew up the guy's arm his muscles only seemed to get bigger and bigger and- iida? 

"Oh class rep-"

"Y/n this vulgar language and border-line harassment needs to cease immediately. I will not tolerante overtly sexual language and acts in this class-"

As he was speaking I noticed something ironic about the situation. If everyone here didn't like sexual jokes or banter, how were they so flustered at comments that objectively should be unknown to them. 

"How did you know what I meant, iida?" I rasped in a low sultry voice, allowing my fingers to dance up his arm starting at the wrist in front of my face. 

I heard a few chuckles from, who I would say are the only two people enjoying this situation: kaminari and...stinky mineta. Iida's face grew more red than previously and the arms in front of me began shaking. 

"Mr.Aizawa it seems I've disarmed the robot. Is there a restart button or something?" I question with a serious face using the search as an excuse to wonder my eyes all over his body. Perverted? Yes. Rightfully attracted to this giant hunk of a nerd. Yes ×10. 

"No, there is not." Todoroki, who was in front of me, finally turned around to address me. I guess he was unfazed by my words. Looks like someone here can be cool. Whether he is okay because he is more comfortable with sexual jokes, or because he has yet to pick up on them, its nice that somebody in here can still function. Otherwise, I'd feel like a nuisance. 

"Y/n I'm not really sure how to- let's just say to have detention with your m- midnight. Detention. Yeah." Aizawa publicly convinced himself of my punishment? 

"Okay"

"Now, back to this, even if you didn't get any offers ALL of you will have an internship" 

And so went on the class, kids chose their hero names, not me though. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a hero at all, this was just a little less boring and sad than the way I lived before. This school had people who laughed in joy, not just to mask the pain. That was the real benefit, not being a hero, or being strong. Likely no one here realized that there were many places where none of this joy was possible. 

Some of the kids in class gave me suggestions for a hero name, but I didn't like them anyway. They lacked personality, and while I have many adjectives to describe my personality, my life, none of them are all that heroic. 

"Dark element"

"Girl who will die if her quirk doesnt like its environment" 

See, I'm not the best at this. Even bakugan names had some sense to it...well no. I'd say we're about the same, but still. Ugh. 

~timeskip~ 

Bakugou pov 😠

She came up with no hero names. Fucking entitled brat. Everyone at this lunch table seems to have no problem with the fact that she is here, just happy to have another pair of tits to stare at like perverts. Their gross. I bet she doesn't even want to be a hero, she sure as hell doesn't act like it. We don't even know what her whole quirk is. Ive seen her do that plant shit a couple times, fucking with flowers or whatever. Still, there's more to it. Something we don't know, at least. Cuz in the middle of class she gets up and whispers to Aizawa and he just lets her go. Where the fuck does she go? 

Interrupts class, got into the school because her moms a teacher, won't use her quirk. What a nuisance, I can't believe she is not expelled yet. Plus those bullshit sex jokes are so shitty. She is obviously faking something when she does them. Not like midnight, who always at least seems like she means that gross shit. 

"Hey, who did you guys choose for your internship? I haven't chosen yet."

"The number three hero guy," I spoke, knowing I'm the only person here who already chose. 

"Really? Best jeanist! That's so cool, but are you sure that for you bakugou?" Shitty hair raised a shitty brow at me. 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean!?"

"Just that he seems pretty...uptight..for you?" Dunceface added, but he spoke like it was a question. Of course he is the hero for me, he is the highest ranting hero on my list. If I wanna be number one, I gotta train with the best. 

If I go to his agency I'm sure there will be a lot more action, since he is so high ranking. Then i'll get some real experience kicking villain ass, well, other than the USJ. 

"Of course he is the right option!"

"Woahhh~"

Shit. It's her voice. I honestly should applaud her for using it less often around me but, how can one small girl be so goddamn annoying. I don't even know what she has to say and I already wish she would just put a sock in it. How can someone so entitled like her, probably never had to lift a finger, walk  over here and talk like she has something to say. 

"You're working with the best jeanist! So cool, one time he saved me from a group of rapist guys, it was awesome with all these strings everywhere and I could only see half of his face. Oh and he had goofy hair too!"

Oh. I didn't really know how to respond to the girl who looked so excited about almost being violated. Another thing wrong with her? I looked back at the other people at the table to see if they knew how to respond to something like that. 

Dunceface was frozen, tape arms were frozen, shitty hair was frozen, and alíen eyes were looking like a lost puppy and trying not to cry. 

It didnt seem like the shutty princess was exactly understanding how what she just yelled was making things weird. She just stood there expectantly. She kinda looked like she thought being raped was something that must happen to everyone. Did she think that? Wouldn't put it past her weird ass. 

"Uhm...anyways, i'm sure you'll do awesome, he likes to put boys in tight jeans. Wish I could intern too, I'd love to see that boom boom~" she winked. 

A perverted joke...and then she had the audacity to wink at me. 

"You wish you could see me in tight jeans, shitty extra!"

"I know...thats what a I just said." She dead panned, blinking a couple times at me. 

"Tch, screw you!"

"I would-" 

"Can it, i don't wanna hear your shitty voice anymore"

The girl stopped herself after my words, pushing all her hair behind her head, except for the two blond stands in the front. 

(You don't have to acknowledge these if you don't want, but I made it so that they change color depending on what element your using and I thought it was hot*if you have short hair, then you just got a lil nishinoya type thing 🥰)

Lifted her obnoxious hands that moved around while she talked and made a zipper-like motion over her lips. Then she just stood there looking at me. I really wanted to just let her stand there and go back to eating. Ignore her completely and let her hope fizzle out and die or something like that. 

Yet here I am, still looking at her. Silently. Wishing she made a stupid joke so that I could stop flickering between those images I'd seen of her dancing. How even though ballet is a princess fucking dance, the pictures felt nice. Like if I was watching it live I would probably be unable to criticize it. That pissed me off, because I want to hate everything about her, but I can't hate those photos. Where she looks like she is flying, without any need for a quirk.

I see her in that weird gown, and now, in the UA uniform. I see her looking respectable, formal, and serious. Then I see her stupid little smirk as she takes pride in being able to shut up for more than a minute. 

"Why are you still standing there?"

Instead of answering, she took her hand up again, made a pinch with her fingers and unzipped her mouth. 

"I was enjoying the look in your eyes."she smiled. 

The look in my eyes? Could she tell I was seeing two different people? What the hell does that even mean? Even said it without that shitty flirt voice. Like she meant it. 

"You tryna make fun of me?"I stood up from the table to get in her face.

"Not right now, maybe later, I gotta do something." She smiled sincerely at me, for a second as she walked away, I forgot about how this conversation started. What a wierd fucking girl. I'll never respect her as a hero. Tch. (Yes, its canon he tchs even in his thoughts) 

3rd person POV 

Y/n briskly walked out of the cafeteria with a new goal in mind. She would come to remember how maybe being oblivious was a benefit in some ways, but for now, she had a clear plan .

"Mr.Aizawa, let me do an internship."

"You weren't in the festival, I can't just hand you to a hero who has no idea what you can do, y/n."

"Well, you know what I can do, right?"

"No. I'm not doing internships. Stop asking."

"That's not what I meant! You can just tell them, or I could, it's not that hard to explain. Just say i'm all- powerful or some play on words like 'she's got all the right elements' hehe, see how i mimicked your voice there?" Y/n grinned like a child. She was proud of herself. 

"No. Still not happening."

"I wanna be an intern too, you raggedy ann looking ass hoe" 

"Y/n, it doesn't make sense, insulting me to get what you want?"

"Maybe it doesn't, but I bet you feel real insecure about your hair right now."

"You already have detention, what more do you want!"

"An internship, I wanna do one with kamui Woods, I have a good reason, too. As far as my quirk control, i'm the weakest with earth, the aspect that allows me to grow and manipulate plants and stuff. That's why I've only been using that part of it all month. Im trying to get her up to speed so I can start using all four at once. He is like a tres guy, right? He manipulates earth all day long. He could teach me a lot, and that aspect of my quirk would suit his well. Please!?!?!?"

If the girl had just asked again in a normal way, his answer would have been the same. However Aizawa was taken aback to hear how much thought she put into this. From the stories of the teachers lounge, he came to understand her big life goal, was to rely fully on a rich man or woman, and do nothing at all forever. Just to try and forget about the terrible life she was destined to have because of that quirk.

This side of her was something he could not even her mother had seen, and it prompted him to speak those words she wanted to hear so badly.

"Fine." 

[marionettejonesdraws]

Kacchako Positivity Week Day1: Fragile

Ah~ Finally got over my anxiety and finished this piece. Then I spent a few more hours writing a fic to explain the situation. I end up doing that for other pieces too I guess.

Do not repost

If you like my work, please buy me a ko-fi. I need to upgrade my laptop(so many bugs). And I do need a new scanner. I want to make big A3 pieces! Coz details!!! Also making a custom drawing table with lightbox. Extra funds would be really helpful with my restart on illustration. OuO/ Cheers

Introductions~ the ones not explained on the Roses piece anyway.

Todoroki as runaway dragon prince, will drink a bar dry. Aizawa's as fae clergyman under the Church of Ibara, might die if he manages to finish that mug. Kiri and Sero as human mercenaries. Jiro as fae bard. Mina fell asleep waiting for Ochako to come back after running off with a stranger. Toru as light fae bar maid, decorates the pies and everything else. Dabi as the missing dragon prince currently working for the Ones Cursed by the Sun. Toga as bloodsucking demon also working with Dabi. They like the food here.

Storytime~

If anyone would ask, some would say that nothing is as fragile as the Thorn Prince's ego. But they would be wrong. It hasn't been true for many years now. Some would say it is the Rose Princess since she's been confined to the castle all her life. That too is just a common guess. It is something not many would expect--a secret kept from the plebians, the knights, and even the nobles. That seemingly endless sky forms it's first crack, because of a chance meeting? What does the future hold for these two young lords, and how will they mold it?

This scene: (Sorry for the messy construction. I'm really sleepy.)

Katsuki and Ochako are just coming back to the tavern after spending quite a lot of time having fun finding out more about each other. Iida and Kirishima run in and abruptly grab hold of their respective lords to separate them. "I, Knight of Rose Tenya Iida, in response to your violence against the Princess, have a duty to imprison you. Surrender or face worse punishment!" Tenya declares while drawing his sword.

BK: Princess? Oy! You didn't tell me about that. What's the big deal? (taking a big step forward)

Kiri: Hey, stop. Where did you run off to anyway? You two have been gone for 4 hours. This guy kept threatening to run you through! And goddamn, he runs fast.

Ochako: I thought that if you knew, you'd treat me differently.

BK: Differently? What would YOU do if you found out that I am a demon prince?

Ochako: Eh?!

Kiri: He's no- (gets punched)

BK: Let go already! (Points thumb on self)I am Prince Katsuki Bakugou of the Thorns.

Ochako: (trying to get past Iida's arm) It doesn't matter to me, one bit. We were having so much fun swinging swords on the rooftops. I don't want to miss a chance to make friends with someone so skilled!

Iida: gasp* How dare you swing your sword at such a fragile girl?

Ochako/BK: I'm/She's not fragile!

Iida: Regardless, you shouldn't mingle with demons without charm markings. They're dangerously unpredictable. Don't you know how quickly they turn into beast at the slight smell of blood?

Kiri: That's nonsense! I've been living with demons for a few years now. I've bled from sword training, yet I have never been attacked.

Iida: Silence! It doesn't apply to you,dragon. (swinging his sword very close to Kiri's face and pulling it back to a defensive position)

BK: Point your sword at him again, and I'd cut that arm off!

Kiri: Hey, no harm done. Let's just go home. (turning to face BK, ready to fly him off)

Iida: Monsters like you just bring disquiet and adversity. Do you even know your place in this country, demon?

Ochako: Don't say such awful things! Those accusations are simply untrue. (Still trying to get past Iida) You can't keep being like this to them. It's just one demon who-

Iida: You, how many times have I told you to stay away from trouble! (Pulling her cloak and pushing her back a few feet) We will go back to the castle this instant.

Bakugou shoves Kiri aside not leaving his glare on the knight. "For someone so large, you sure carry a small sword."

Iida: It's so I can fight in narrow spaces to prote-

"I'm not talking about that metal stick, you self righteous brick." BK huffs, walking closer. "You smell of fear. Someone with as weak a heart as yours can't protect Ochako."

Kiri rushes between them, lines growing on his face as he prepared to match BK's strenght. "Calm down. Calm down! We don't want trouble. We're just going home, right?" Kiri turns to face Iida to apologize but was met with the tip of his blade. He jumped back, pushing BK behind him. Bakugou's eyes turned to slits, markings tearing out of his eyes and cheeks, "You really got on my nerves, but this is different. I'm going to fucking kill you!" Kirishima barely stopped BK from pulling his sword out, eyes enlarged as he struggles to hold down his friend.

The surge of demonic aura flung open Iida's shield. "Iida, put down your sword!" Ochako pleaded as she tried to pull down his arm. "I command you! Put down your sword!"

Iida: If it's my blood you want then come get it!

BK: I'm not just going for blood. I'm going to fucking devour you!!!

Mina rushes out of the tavern, woken up by BK's demonic aura. "What's happening here? It's dangerous to let your power loose. If Iida finds out."

Ochako: Mina! Help me stop Iida. He's going to get himself killed.

Kiri: Mina? What are you doing here?

Mina was startled to see both the princess and her childhood friend, but upon looking farther she froze. 'He's the prince. The Thorn Prince!' At that very moment her instincts forced her to grovel.

Iida was taken aback: Mina what are you doing. Get up!

Mina: Lord Bakugou, please spare my idiotic companion! He is just doing his duty.

BK: He pointed his sword at my friend. Twice!

Mina: He's just very verbal with his hands, my Lord.

BK: What does that even mean, pink hair? This guy has been running his mouth about us demons. Am I supposed to just let that go?

Iida: If there is a witness, then it is true isn't it?

Ochako: It was just one demon! Pleaaase, put down your sword.

Kiri legs are starting to tremble against BK's weight. "Stop, Bakugou! The sun is setting!!!"

BK: Not till I take his head!

Mina shouts even louder hoping that they'd acknowledge her. "Take mine instead! Both of you, take my horns. I can't let my Lord and my companion fight each other over such trivial things! If anyone should be punished it should be me. I let her out of the castle and left her to roam unaccompanied. It's my fault!!!"

BK can't stand being ordered around, but this demon was adamant in her plea. "Who is your master, pink hair?"

Mina: I am Princess Ochako's servant my Lord.

BK: And who is this obscenely judgemental man to you?

Mina: A work companion who is dearly beloved to the princess. He is like a brother to her.

BK looks over to Ochako, still pulling Iida's arm back in the verge of tears: Tsk... Kirishima we're going home.

Kirishima almost fell forward as the weight against him disappeared. "Thank goodness." He bends over to Mina to help her up. "Hey, I'm glad to see you again."

Mina wrapped her arms around him. "Wow, you really changed." Kiri hugs her back, "Yeah."

BK from high up shouting: Stop exchanging looks. The sun's almost gone. Mom's gonna kill me!

Kiri: What are you saying? Geez. See you later, Mina. You gonna be here tomorrow?(unfolding his wings)

Mina: I'll send you a bird.

Kiri: Aww yiss! Bye~

Mina and Ochako watched them fly off into the sunset as Iida sheathes his sword.

Ochako gave a sigh of relief, her hands still trembling in Mina's. Iida grabbed on to Ochako's arm. "It's about time we go too. Pick up your things." He tried saying it as softly as he can with his strained breath.

Mina threw a loud slap across Iida's face. "What was that? How dare you! You put our lady in danger because of your personal vendetta? You go to the barracks on your own! We'll take a carriage."

Ochako's tears started to flow. "Mina, please don't be mean to him. He was just trying to protect me."

"No. That was just him being a jerk. He must have unnecessarily provoked the Prince. You saw how nice that guy is."

"But... but... *hnnggg*" Ochako buried her face into Iida's chest. "I thought you were gonna die! Stop starting fights. I was so scared. What if you leave me too? What will I do? I'm not powerful enough to save you yet." Her legs finally gave in after a whole day of running about. Iida caught her and lifted her up. "Tenya, promise me you'd stay safe."

Her expression was too much for Iida. He can't bare looking at her so he hugged her tightly, his head resting on her shoulder. "I'll do my best to keep this promise."

Mina is annoyed, but her lady needed to be reassured. "Fine~ We'll all ride the carriage."

They already left~

Todoroki: Well that's unexpected.

Aizawa: Urgh What farce. To think they'd actually meet. This is going to be troublesome.

Todoroki chugging down another mug: The aura he released isn't even a portion of his real power.

Aizawa: With luck, the charms on his body will restrain him till he is able to control it.

Todo: I think I can handle him easily. For now~

Aizawa takes a sip: Have you noticed the darkness lingering about them while they went around town?

Todo: You mean, aside from you? (Aizawa looking a bit annoyed.) Not till just a while ago. They got drawn to him when he let loose.

Aizawa: sigh~ What was the queen thinking? Doing this so close to the ceremony?

Todo: She loves her son. (Raises hand to get another mug.

Aizawa: A bit too much.

Todo: Cheers (clunk)

Aizawa: For the blue sky.

Todo: And the blue sea.

[sibilantly]

hi, sib. i sent you an ask about writing a while ago and you were super helpful, but i have found myself in yet another conundrum - i'm blocked. it took me some time to figure out why, and i'm pretty sure it's 'cause i'm supposed to be starting my mfa this fall and i'm just scared shitless. i'd really appreciate some advice on how to unblock the block. i just feel so useless right now. this nonsense in my head is honestly wearing me down.

You sent this several months ago, dear writing anon (as I now dub thee), and I’m terribly sorry I haven’t replied before now. RL got in the way of my online/fandom time again, but, more than that, I’ve been musing and reflecting on the situation you described, and I’ve only recently been able to marshall it all into semi-coherence. I assume you’ve started your MFA already (CONGRATULATIONS, BY THE WAY!), so all this navel-gazing and advice may be moot, but on the off-chance you’re still stymied, here’s my take and (for what it’s worth) my advice:

The thing about ‘writer’s block’ (air quotes), which you seem to have figured out already, is that it’s really emotional block. And the most common emotion is fear.

It’s not surprising, really, when you consider the fact that writing is both a craft and an art. (Well… alright, every art form is a combination of craft and art - of technical skill and vision - but we’re just going to focus on writing right now). And, just like every other art form, the very best writing requires self-expression. Think of your favourite authors, both published and in fandom. Could you ever mistake their writing for another author’s? I’m willing to bet my last dollar that your answer will be ‘no’.

However, self-expression also means baring yourself. It means producing a piece of writing that says, in effect, ‘this is what I think, this is what I feel - this is how I see the world, this is my perspective on this trope/theme/topic, this is me’, and putting it out there to be looked at and judged by strangers. Strangers who may then have all sorts of reactions and opinions - negative ones, even - about not just your work, but about you.

And for the vast majority of people (myself included), that is fucking terrifying on a visceral, lizard brain level. In prehistoric times (or… whenever… anthropology is not my strong suit), being rejected by others meant isolation, which in turn meant increased risk of starvation or death by megafauna. We’re not in prehistoric (or whatever) times anymore, but rejection and negative judgement still hurts and looms large in our psyches because… well, the lizard brain is a powerful motherfucker that has gotten our species this far. It’s like that douchebag in your social circle that you just can’t drop entirely because they’re handy/annoyingly right in certain situations.

Anyway.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is: take heart, writing anon. You’re in good and numerous company. This fear - this emotional block - you feel is common. It’s unbelievably common. I personally grapple with it every week. Like, literally every week. From a certain evolutionary perspective, you could even say the fear is reasonable (DEATH BY MEGAFAUNA).

…however, that perspective is severely unhelpful in motivating one to write, so let us acknowledge said perspective like it’s an acquaintance we’re on nodding terms with, and move on.

The fact of the matter is, we’re not in prehistoric-whatever times anymore. Rejection will not kill us, no matter what the lizard brain keeps shrieking. And while the lizard brain is powerful, it’s also primitively dumb. Which means we can trick it.

There is a reason why pretty much every notable book on the art and craft of writing will have a chapter or a section which says, essentially: half the battle is getting your arse in the chair.

It’s because, a great majority of the time, getting started really is the biggest hurdle. Once you’re actually slapping some words onto a page? It may be painful, it may present its own challenges, but it usually doesn’t require as much effort as just. Getting. Started.

As the number of days you spend not writing builds up, the act of writing - even the mere thought of it - becomes more and more psychologically loaded, more threatening to your sense of self. ‘YOU’RE GONNA BE REJECTED AND STARVE TO DEATH IN THE DESERT,’ says the lizard brain. The more rational part of your brain says, ‘You’ve spent all this time not writing. When you finally summon up the power to do so, by some act of God, it’s going to come out mediocre, at best, because you’re out of practice. Why bother?’

And, look– to be honest, rational brain will probably be right regarding your restart writing attempts coming out mediocre. But it’s wrong about it being pointless to start.

Because here is something else you should tell yourself: writing is not just the words you publish. It’s not even just the words you publish plus the words you wrote in draft and then killed because you realised they were darlings. It’s not even all those words and the time you spent brainstorming and outlining. It’s all those words plus that planning plus the emotional work you go through - in character and as yourself - to get those words and ideas out.

Don’t get down on yourself if you have only one hour to write and you spend fifty of those minutes psyching yourself up to write. Psyching yourself up to write is part of writing. You’re getting your arse in the chair.

So, sure, maybe on day one you’ll spend just ten minutes getting some words out. But on day two, when you sit down again, you’ll remember: I did this for ten minutes yesterday. I can do it again. It’s like a gradual stretching and strengthening of a muscle. You should– no, you need to take your time, because writing is a years-long (ideally, lifelong) journey. You’ll need to pace yourself accordingly.

I’m not saying it’s easy. I have spent years devising weird tricks, strategies, and schedules to fool my lizard brain into viewing the act of writing as non-threatening (and sometimes I still fail and will stop writing for a couple days). I know it’s not easy. But it’s doable - you just need to find the right set of tricks and strategies that will fool your lizard brain.

EVERYTHING THAT I, SIB, HAVE PERSONALLY DONE TO FOOL THE LIZARD BRAIN

1. Automate that shit - COME UP WITH A VERY, VERY SIMPLE PRE-WRITING ACTION

Okay, so at this point, you might be going, ‘Great, Sib, but how do I get myself to start?’

And I say: ‘Automate that shit’. You can make the initial action (usually the action that requires the most effort) more likely to happen by making it very, very simple.

For (a non-writing) example, I have a weird thing about dishes. I don’t like doing them. What I don’t mind doing, however, is clearing the dish rack. But what tends to happen is, once I’ve cleared the dish rack and find myself standing beside the sink, I think, ‘well, since I’m already here…’

That’s what you need to trigger with writing - that casual thought of, ‘well, since I’m already here…’. The point of the pre-writing action is to trick yourself (or, at least, your lizard brain) into perceiving writing as being so simple, so easy and non-threatening, it’d be almost silly to not do it. This is especially important if you haven’t written in so long that writing has come to resemble a nigh-insurmountable mountain or a time bomb strapped right against your heart and your sense of self-worth.

Even if you don’t do anything else that I suggest (seriously, you don’t have to, I’m just listing everything I’ve tried on the off-chance that it might work for you), I’d say this is the strategy to try. The whole point of it is that it should require almost no effort to perform. Why not do it?

My personal pre-writing action is fifteen minutes of free writing/journalling (‘I’m not writing, lizard brain, I’m just talking to myself’). You don’t have to do that. But whatever action you choose to go with, make sure it’s easy and flows on automatically to writing. The point isn’t to force yourself. If you’re forcing yourself, the action is too complicated. You’re removing the automaticity of the process, and the whole point is automaticity.

Examples of pre-writing actions you could do:

1. Sitting in your dedicated writing spot. Just sitting there. You don’t have to write. But since you’re already there…

2. Summarising the last scene/chapter you wrote. You don’t have to write anything new. But since you’ve already picked up that pen or typed out that sentence…

3. Making a cup of tea (or coffee or whatever) and thinking about your writing as it steeps. You don’t have to do anything with the idea you came up with. But since it’s already formed… ;)

I know it can be embarrassing to set your bar so ‘low’, because it feels like you’re admitting you’re incapable. But you’re not incapable. You’re just human. You have multiple responsibilities, coupled with limited time and limited resources, both physical and mental. You’re doing the best you can with the time, ability, and energy you have. No one can expect more of you than that. You, especially, should not expect more of yourself than that.

2. Grab a notebook or open a document, and DESCRIBE YOUR PROCRASTINATION BEHAVIOUR(S) IN SPECIFIC, OBSERVABLE TERMS. Don’t just say ‘I avoid writing’ - be specific (says Arthur).

For example, here are some things from my list:

I open up my WIP, stare at the cursor, and tap the page up/down/delete/backspace keys for thirty minutes

When my reminder alarm for writing goes off, I open up my WIP, then open tumblr in another browser

I do all the household chores when it’s time to write

3. Take that list of behaviours and WRITE DOWN AT LEAST ONE SPECIFIC, ACTIONABLE SOLUTION FOR EACH BEHAVIOUR. You may come up with more than one solution for each behaviour. It’s fine. Write all of them down.

Here is what I came up with for the above:

Staring at the cursor: 

Pull the page up/down and backspace keys off the keyboard (this didn’t work for me.)

 Free write for fifteen minutes before starting ‘real’ writing (which has, yes, become my pre-writing ritual. It works beautifully for me because, after 5-10 minutes, it tends to segue into ‘real writing’. As in, I’ll start off writing like I’m telling a friend about what should happen next in the story - complete with tangents and sentences full of ‘and then he’s like, you know, completely aghast’ - and then as I relax and get more into the story, I drift into draft prose and dialogue.)

Opening tumblr at the same time as my WIP:

Install Clear Focus on my phone and StayFocusd on all browsers, and put a strict limit on tumblr

Write longhand in a notebook and then transcribe (this is my go-to solution these days)

Doing household chores instead of writing:

Schedule writing time only after I finish all chores (this is a meh solution for me - I can always find new things to clean, if I’m really, really trying to avoid writing.)

Write one hour before bed/when exhausted (this is like the non-alcoholic version of the apocryphal Hemingway edict ‘write drunk, edit sober’. Exhaustion gives you all the benefits of writing without your conscious filter with none of the cirrhosis or other alcohol-related diseases!)

Stick these lists up wherever you tend to write. Now whenever you catch yourself engaging in one (or more) of these procrastination behaviours, you also have a solution (or solutions). Again, it will not necessarily be easy. But in knowing your bad habits and being prepared for them, you’re setting yourself up for a much better chance of success, and reducing the likelihood that you’ll slip down the procrastination shame spiral. The rest is the unglamorous process of trying, maybe failing, and then trying again.

4. On the cognition side of things, ASK YOURSELF: WHY DO YOU WANT TO WRITE?

Why, given all the frustration and fear and isolation (because writing is a bit of a lonely thing, at times), do you keep trying? Write every reason you have down, and be honest about it. No one is going to see this list but you.

The reason I suggest you do this is because there will be days (or weeks, or months) where it feels like all you’re doing is eking out paragraph after paragraph of dreck. It’ll feel awful. And if you don’t know why you’re writing - if you have no goal to set your sights upon, or no internal touchstone to remind you why you’re putting yourself through this - it’ll be so much more tempting to give up.

5. I’ve said this to you before, but I’ll say it again because if you’re anything like me (and I’m still riding on the assumption we’re at least a little alike, because every message you send me I’m like, ‘ah, man, yeah, I feel you, I feel you’), some advice requires repeating before it sinks in. Especially when the advice is unglamorous. So. SET YOURSELF A SMALL, ACHIEVABLE WRITING TARGET, be it a word count or a set amount of time each day.

And when I say small, I mean small. If writing 100 words a day feels uncomfortable, set your target at 50. If writing for one hour is exhausting, set your target at 30 minutes (or 15, like I did! :D).

ONE MORE THING

Writing requires discipline.

There is the discipline of sitting down and doing the work, every day, even if you’re not feeling it, of course. We’ve all heard that advice, and we’ve all (at some point or another) gotten royally pissed off at it.

But there is another sort of discipline, one that flows on from doing the work every day. In working through the fear, you teach yourself that these periods of mediocre writing or zero writing are temporary, just little halts in your overall writing journey. That’s a kind of discipline, too - training yourself to believe, heart and mind, that the fear will pass, and the words are always with you, even if they’re not coming out the way you want. It’s just going to take time. Be patient, and be kind to yourself (which I know can be hard).

You’re not useless. You’re not failing at anything by being afraid, because the fear - and learning to work through the fear - is as much a part of the writing process as getting the words down. And the value of writing for a writer is not in the finished result, not really. It’s in the act of creating, in being willing to start, to try. If you’re psyching yourself up to try, then hey. That’s half the battle already.

You can do it, anon! I’m still rooting for you!

(P.S.: You’re more than welcome to message me off anon using tumblr’s chat function